The Cuddlequest of Earth

by Tyrannosaurus_Tux

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 13311

Cuddles are great, especially when they're used globally.

Cuddles meet crusades, and hilarity ensues.

Published 2014-04-02 02:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-01 22:17:27 UTC

A Chapter

====BREAKING NEWS: MAN MISSING AFTER POLICE BUST CTHULHU RITUAL====

'No, no, no no nononono. This is bad.'

A lone, black-robed teenager strode through Ponyville, his breath quickening, and his hands seizing the chest of his robe. His eyes darted around with frightened familiarity. He knew perfectly well where he was. He was in Ponyville. He also knew perfectly well who lived in Ponyville, and that also frightened him. Ideas and thoughts flooded through his mind like the water of a flash flood through some town, sweeping away both sanity and hope.

'I can’t be here. The longer I’m here, the more chance there is of human contamination. What do I do what do I do whatdoIdowhat—' his thoughts were interrupted by somone calling out to him.

An impossibly familiar voice cried out, “Mister? Are you okay?” Whirling around, the teen looked down to see Applebloom, the cutest thing he had ever seen, was looking up at him with concern in her eyes. As his heart pounded, he thought to himself,

'Her sweet, cute little innocent eyes. I can’t be here I can’t be here I can’t be here!'

With as much masculinity as he could muster, given his moderate-to-extreme hysteria, the teen screamed, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

The teen broke into a dead sprint in the opposite direction, drawing even more attention to himself. As the teen ran, he noticed several ponies giving chase, calling out to him, but he heard no words. His was the sprint of a man like unto a person who wants to evade a shotgun wedding.

'This is bad! This is really, really bad!' he thought.

He didn’t listen to the concerned cries of the ponies around him. He believed, in his heart, that his presence would tarnish the cartoon world he had found himself in with his different and... human lines of thought. Thoughts such as democracy and beef and violence and Milhouse, ones that would surely cause the ponies grief as they struggled to understand these surely alien things. Turning around a corner, the teen found an exit out of Ponyville. He looked back and noticed that his pursuers had grown in number, and that they were coming closer. He looked to his side and saw Pinkie Pie bouncing alongside him, who took the chance to ask him, “Hey, new friend? Are you feeling okay?”

The teen shouted in fear and somehow ran even faster, leaving a dust trail out of Ponyville in his hasty retreat.

====BREAKING NEWS: CULT OFFICIALLY DENIES DISAPPEARANCE INVOLVEMENT====

Breathing heavily, the wayward teenager looked around his hiding place, peering around for any sign of searching ponies. Seeing none, the teen got up and promptly got tackled by none other than Pinkie Pie. She locked herself onto his midsection and closed tight, snuggling and nuzzling the teen. Naturally, this caused the panic levels in the teen to peak.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!' he thought.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” he screamed.

“Ssshhh... sssh... sshhh ssshhh,” cooed the pink pony.

Incredibly, the teen got calmed down by Pinkie Pie’s efforts, and his breathing slowed enough to help him cool down from his run and panic. There was a pause, then Pinkie Pie asked, “There, now. Isn’t that better? Won’t you tell me your name?”

The teen swallowed nervously, took a few moments for his heart to stop racing so fast. “M-Marcus, ” he replied,

“That’s a nice name, Marcus. I’m Pinkie Pie. Why were you running from ponies who were trying to help you?” Pinkie Pie hummed.

Marcus remembered his alarm and struggled slightly, but Pinkie Pie only held on. Her brow furrowed a bit, then she sternly said, “Marcus, no one is going to hurt you.”

Then Pinkie Pie’s voice softened, and she said, “Just tell me how I can help you. P-Please.”

Marcus relaxed and thought about his answer for a few moments. After a period of silence, he finally said,“I-I don’t want to hurt you. Any of you. This place is too innocent for someone like me.”

Pinkie Pie opened her eyes and looked up at the displaced human, confusion and expectancy written on her features. “My human—" Marcus continued,

“Stop right there,” Marcus, stunned into silence, watched as Pinkie Pie scooted up to nuzzle his neck, and she said, “Oh, you were so worried about what we would think of you that you would rather distance yourself than risk our friendship. You must care for us, but... why would you think that you could hurt us with your special-ness?”

“But I’m just a man that—”

Pinkie Pie hugged tighter, cutting Marcus off with, “Don’t you ‘But I’ me, Mister. You’re special, and that can’t hurt anyone on purpose. Oh, how could you carry so much sorrow?”

“Because I come from a mean and cruel world, P-Pinkie Pie. People die from other people’s actions, and...” Marcus's eyes searched, and his hands grasped themselves.

Pinkie Pie renewed her snuggling. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Marcus. You don’t have to worry about that anymore," she said.

“H-Huh?”

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie turned her head to address someone Marcus hadn't seen, and asked, “Oh! Twilight, did you get all that?”

Marcus looked up, and sure enough, Princess Twilight Sparkle was there with quill and parchment, finishing up writing on it. She gave a nod and walked off, rolling up the piece of parchment. Marcus watched as Twilight left, who noticed as Pinkie Pie nuzzled Marcus some more. As his breathing slowed, Marcus looked down on the faithfully cuddly creature. He shrugged, and finally hugged Pinkie Pie back.

'She’s too cute!'

====BREAKING NEWS: SEARCH FOR MISSING CULT MEMBER CONTINUES====

It was a normal day for the Day Court in Canterlot. Celestia sipped her tea, content that she had resolved another problem that had arisen in her kingdom. It came as a pleasant surprise, then, when a letter arrived from her student turned fellow princess. It was nice to read such letters, as they always provided another insight into the magic of friendship. However, her brow furrowed as she read the contents of the letter. The guards and the workers at the Day Court knew too well the telltale sign of the Princess about to make their days particularly interesting, so they situated themselves and tried to ready themselves for what they thought they knew was coming. Her first order was, “Get me the council.”

====BREAKING NEWS: INVESTIGATIONS INTO CULT GOES DEEPENS: PARAPHERNALIA FOUND====

The Equestrian Council, assembled in an emergency meeting, sat as they awaited Celestia’s briefing. The Solar Ruler herself sat alongside the Lunar Ruler, Luna. She was just as in the dark (no pun intended) about the proceedings that required the current council meeting as the rest of them were. Finally, after all the members had arrived, Princess Celestia stood and addressed the council. Her voice carried with it all the experience and the patience that comes with governing a nation for a long time.

“I thank you all for coming on such short notice. You must be wondering why I called you all here. Suffice it to say, we have never faced a scenario quite like this,”

Celestia brought out a letter, the very same that she had received just a while ago. She then added, “I have received an epistle from Princess Twilight Sparkle. She has informed me of an ongoing situation. A visitor from a new world has recently found his way into Ponyville.”

All the eyes in the room were on Celestia, and all the ears were hinged to catch every word. This was good to see for the Solar Princess. Turning the corner of the table, waving around a scroll in her telekinetic grip. The very scroll that had prompted all of this. She then said,

“This visitor has come from a world where hatred and love exist, but it is evident that hatred has corrupted the world to an unacceptable extent. The sole inhabitants of the world, called humans, have been subject to the same hatred that existed in the days of old in our lands, before we cast it out. They hate themselves and others around them, and the corruption of the world drives them to want for food and for them to fight amongst each other, even to the death.”

The council members were stunned. They had heard of such a scenario in their history before, and it necessitated an endeavor of historic importance. Surely she wouldn’t... but she would, and she did. Celestia decreed, “Equestrian Council, it has become necessary for me to call...

A Cuddle Crusade. We must banish the evil that is plaguing our new friends.”

A collective gasp rolled through the council chambers. A Cuddle Crusade had not been called in such a long time; it almost felt mythical. For it to happen now, in this day and age? It seemed extraordinary. Celestia caught the attention of the Council by clearing her throat, and said, “You know what you all must do. Council dismissed.”

With that closing statement, Celestia had instructed Equestria to mobilize itself for the Crusade.

====BREAKING NEWS: CTHULHU CULTISTS PLEADS INSANITY IN COURT====

It was some time after Princess Celestia had called the Cuddle Crusade, yet Queen Chrysalis still couldn’t believe it. She sat in her throne in the Hive, contemplating her options. The Cuddle Crusade had not been called for the longest time. It was only ever called a few times after the defeat of Discord, and those efforts had not been in vain. All creatures were to answer the Call of the Cuddle Crusade, or suffer being another target of the Crusade. The target of the Crusade was a recently-discovered world called Earth, which was home to Humans or Mankind. Evidently true evil had long taken root on earth, corrupting it and its denizens since its beginning. The Cuddle Crusade would put an end to that, one way or another.

Queen Chrysalis looked to her changelings who were amassed before her and awaited her response to the call. She sighed. Her next few words would decide the fate of the changeling race. She had to let go, lest her past destroy her and her kind. She finally announced aloud, with a slow and deliberate voice,

“We will answer.”

The changelings around their queen buzzed with activity, for they knew that they must prepare. All must answer the call.

====BREAKING NEWS: “HE VANISHED IN A FLASH OF LIGHT” CULTIST CLAIMS====

Celestia looked around the council room and smiled. The room itself was prepared to exactness, with colorful banners lining the stained-glass windows. All the banners sported some design of arms reaching around hearts. Such a banner layed on the table, and the golden, wood seats were all occupied. All the races of her world had answered her call, as was proper for such an event. In attendance to the current meeting was:

The Griffon King, white-and-gold colored and dressed in royal red robes;

The Queen of the Changelings, shy and nervous about being in Canterlot, and being around other such powerful beings;

The High Chief of the Zebras, covered with gold jewelry and possessing an air of experience and wisdom;

The Alpha Dragon, Spykoran, a dark purple dragon with an aura of power and authority;

The Sultan of Saddle Arabia, Sandy Hooves, with his varied entourage and expensive clothing;

And the last but not least member of the Cuddle Crusade, Steel Resolve, the Biggest Minotaur Around.

After all, it took a world to save an entire other one.

She stood up, her felt-lined gold armor clinking. Celestia spoke aloud, saying, “I must thank all of you for answering this most noble of calls. We have had our human draw us a plan of attack, which I shall share with you.”

Celestia then used her telekinesis to reveal a world map of Earth. With a pointer, Celestia began her presentation. “When we arrive, our first target of Cuddlequest will be a nation among men called ‘The United States of America’. And before you ask, Blueblood, yes I’m sure it’s not ‘Amareica’,”

====BREAKING NEWS: AURORA LIGHTS SEEN ALL OVER THE WORLD: CTHULHU?====

Leonard just wasn’t having a good day. First, he accidentally burned his toast. Second, his computer froze again while checking the news. Third, he didn’t get the mail he had been expecting for the past 3 weeks. The bright colors in the sky didn’t quite sit right with him, either.

The sky was filled with lights. The colors swarmed and flowed over the sky, like a river of sensation. Just looking at it made his skin tingle. The aurora snaked across the sky and stretched from horizon to horizon. It even seemed to glow in the sky, giving to some grand displays, especially at night.

Leonard watched the swirling mass of light. While beautiful, the lights served only to unnerve him. All this Cthulhu obsession by the media was getting to everyone, everywhere.

'That’s just how people are, I guess,' Leonard thought.

As he sipped from his mug, something occurred to him. He mused, 'So, if this weird weather pattern isn’t due to climate change, and normal auroras are generally made by solar winds and charged atmospheric particles or whatever Wikipedia says, what’s causing it?.'

As he stared into the morning sky, he suddenly noticed that a segment of the aurora stayed a freaky shade of sky blue.

'It’s almost as if it’s another sky,' Leonard pondered. 'But that’s just silly.'

A noise from street level drew Leonard’s attention down from his second-story apartment balcony. To say he was stunned by what he saw would be an understatement. He saw cartoon ponies, griffons, minotaurs, and other kinds of incredible creatures in formations in the street. He saw a big white horse shouting out orders to the rest of them. The formations made their ways around and into the apartments surrounding Leonard. He looked at his mug, then he walked back inside and collapsed on his bed. He was interrupted by a knock at the door. He got up, saying numbly, “Yeah, yeah, yeah... I’m coming.”

As soon as Leonardo opened the door to his apartment, he saw no one at eye level, but when he looked down, the last thing he saw before being tackled was a grinning pink pony.

====BREAKING NEWS: WHOOPS: CTHULHU RITUAL INSTEAD SUMMONS CARTOONS====

This was definitely not one of the things that was running through the President’s mind when he ran for President. Sure, he had thought of how to deal with death and taxes, but certainly not an entourage of sparkling pony princesses at the gate of the White House calling for you. An agent leaned in to whisper in the President's ear.

“Mister President, they’re still outside.”

From outside, the President could hear, “Mister Presiideent! We’d like a word!”

The President sighed, then started on his way outside to what perhaps would be the most interesting political interaction in human history. Walking around the lawn to the gate, the President got a better look at the guests lobbying at his gate. From a distance, he could easily have mistaken the guests as punks wearing elaborate costumes, but as he got closer, he noticed their fluidity and how much they didn’t look like a bunch of pranksters.

'This day just got interesting,'

The president waved to the guards, and the gate was opened, admitting the cartoonish creatures in. The large, white one said, “I am Princess Celestia of the Cuddle Crusade, and I have urgent tidings to share with you.”

The President sighed. “Well, might as well take this inside,” he said.

With that, the group walked into the White House. The doors closed, and a magical flash of light signaled the entrance of Cuddle Crusaders.

Washington, DC was secured within a few hours.

====BREAKING NEWS: UNITED STATES TAKEOVER: PRINCESS CTHULU?====

Edward Portsmith rubbed his eyes as he read the latest series of newscasts. It had to be a joke. It simply couldn’t be. A bunch of talking beings summoned by a Cthulhu ritual? The Americans being taken over by said creatures? Ridiculous.

What was even more ridiculous was that more and more newscasters (particularly American ones) were consistently reporting this, with videos and pictures of the things. Edward got up and looked out across the London cityscape from his apartment window. He saw the same thing he saw every time he looked. People rushing, people gawking and staring, people and their worries and concerns... Until they all stopped as one and started to gaze at the sky.

'What an odd thing to do. What’s going on?' Edward thought. He looked up, and saw... military cargo planes.

American military cargo planes.

“It’s an invasion!” Someone screamed.

“What are they doing?” Another asked.

A person pointed up, and shouted, “Look, people are coming out of them!”

“Mommy, what’s happening?” asked a scared child.

Then, a thousand voices shouted, “REJOICE IN THE COMING FUN!”

Edward looked on at the cityscape, barely able to believe his eyes.

Pink ponies. Parachutist pink ponies. Prancing pink parachutist ponies. PRANCING PINK PARACHUTIST PONIES POUNCING ON PEOPLE.

As Edward’s mind slowly unravelled, he failed to spot a pony that primed herself to jump through Edward’s open window amid the chaos on the street, and now, as he was pinned by one of the pink ponies offering him friendship, happiness, biscuits and tea, Edward’s mind finally went into safe mode, and he fainted.

====LONDON SNUGPOCOLYPSE: FATE OF EARTH IN BALANCE?====

“So... Pinkie Pie...” began the TV host. This was the interview of a lifetime. Or it would be, if the pink pony didn't immediately interrupt. She said, “Yiperiee, Mister Carpston!”

Then, Carpston managed to ask, “Why and how did thousands of you parachute into London and nearly snuggle London to death?”

“Those weren’t all me, silly! I only brought the one of me here today! Those were my nice changeling friends, who’ve all volunteered to look like yours truly! Maximum Snuggling, I say!” The pony replied. Carpston looked at the audience, and then at the camera. He opened his mouth to add his thoughts, but he was interrupted by a pink blur. Soon the studio was filled with pink blurs. The last coherent words of the transmission were, “CUDDLE PARTY!”

====CUDDLE CRUSADE ADVANCES ON EUROPE: PERIL OR SALVATION?====

Author's Note

A thanks to my co conspirators:

LunarSeraph
Volkenstein
Alicorn Priest
Angelic Arson
Sandvich Brony

Another Chapter

John scratches the back of his head, and he adjusts his lab coat. Incredulously, he states, "You cannot be serious.”

“But I am serious, John,” said Maxwell. His own coat was wrinkled and dirtied from the latest in a series of overnight working shifts. Shaking his head, John looks out the glass to the CAT scanning room beyond, and then back to the computer displays. With no small amount of trepidation, John denied the figures that the computer was giving him. “Even if the facts support it, this just can’t be possible!” he nearly shouted.

With a few button presses, Maxwell said, “Look, I’m running the tests again because I still can’t believe it myself.”

After a few moments, and with baited breath and eager eyes, the test was run again. And again, the results came back... more or less the same. there was no denying it now. “Even if we somehow... are to the ponies as babies are to us, that’s not reason enough for them to go all out on our Earth.”

Maxwell sighed and looked out to the CAT Scan Machine beyond, which was looking deep into Celestia’s brain. She seemed to be having the time of her life, having pictures of humans of all varieties being shown as her brain scanned for consistent results. Rounding around the desk with long strides in his slacks, Maxwell opened the door to the CAT machine room itself, and called out, “Alright, you can stop.”

“But these pictures are cute!” squealed Celestia in protest.

====STUDY SHOWS PONIES TAKE TO HUMANS LIKE PARENT TO CHILD: IMPLICATIONS TO FOLLOW====

Celestia had enjoyed that study session with the cuddlebug humans, but now she had a crusade to run. She had opted to use changelings headed by Pinkie Pie and Chrysalis to spearhead the crusade. Once that was done, the other races moved in to secure the territory and make it safe for everyone. Dragons provided overwatch in case any... uninvited guests tried to crash the crusade, and Iron Will’s Better You program was actually going swimmingly well...

If only those so-called “last sane men” would just come out.

====GOOD MORNING EARTH AND WELCOME TO THE SNUGGLING CHANNEL PLEASE REPORT TO THE NEAREST PONY FOR CUDDLES IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY AND IF YOU HAVE YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER CUDDLE====

'What is this insanity?'

First, the invasion, then the takeover, and now he was on the run from the crazy things? Leonard was not having a good day. It was made worse when he walked by a “wanted snuggled” poster and saw his face and the other so-called “top unsnuggled people” with a reward for...

Wow, that was a lot of money.

Walking away, Leonard tried to keep on the down-low with his hoodie, but he somewhat sensed that he was trying a little too hard to be inconspicuous. Singing in the streets... ads for new magic powered products...

Somehow happy people? America just got really weird.

Leonard soon reached his destination, though.

The safehouse. It was a place for him and like-minded sane humans to hang out so they wouldn’t get jumped in the street. Heading inside, he took off his hood and joined the makeshift common area, which was filled with chatting people and a few old couches. A television was playing a movie Leonard didn’t recognize. Oh well. Leonard sat down and cracked open a can of... something. He didn’t care. He listened to the din for a while and caught someone talking about the latest news.

“... I’m telling you, this is gonna suck.”

“Yeah.”

“Invading aliens, I tell you!”

“Mmmmmhmmm."

Everybody was pretty much ignoring him, though. They all just wanted to get away from this cuddly nonsense. It had been a few hours since they arrived. They pretty much blitzed America and Europe. They stopped their advance because they “wanted to completely harmonize the already cuddled (read: conquered) countries.”

That just meant that everybody got recuddled several times because there was still some ‘residual corruption’ or something or other. He just stopped caring. After having narrowly escaping them, he had exactly no idea what was going on. After having your sense of normality shattered and then reassembled to make candyland, you just... ugh.

Leonard just needed a drink.

Too bad there weren’t anymore. Oh well. Sipping from his can of cheap local brand root beer, Leonard didn’t notice there was someone knocking at the door. He, however, did take notice when a voice near-shouted,

“You’re surrounded!”

In fact, Leonard was pretty sure everyone heard that... which would explain the panicking people.

“I knew it! We’re all going to be brainwashed!”

“Can’t we talk about this?”

“I HAVE ANXIETY ISSUES DON’T TOUCH ME!”

The door burst open, and crusader harmonization griffons charged through, headed by none other than one of their princesses.

Twilight Sparkle. That mare looked right at Leonard, and she gave him a gleeful smile. Leonard wasn’t having any of that. The griffons tackled people as they attempted to flee, and they were filled with their strange energies. Leonard had read about this. If they hugged someone, their goodwill for them helped hugged people in every way conceivable... or so the news said. For now, though, Leonard needed to flee the “safe house” to go look for another.

====NATO TO JOIN CUDDLE CRUSADE SO THEY CAN CUDDLE PEOPLE TOO====

Edward Portsmith rubbed his eyes and tried to clear his head, but as he awoke in his bedroom, a flurry of memories came back to him.

Americans. Ponies. Cuddling, what?

“Hello!”

Edward definitely did not scream like a little girl as he saw a familiar pink horse.

“I got you all comfy when you had to take that nap, but now we can cuddle!”

“Wha—OOMPF!”

The pony had tackled him again. As he was forced back to his bed, his only impulse was to exasperatedly ask,

“Whyyy?”

“Because you need help, silly!”

“W-What?”

“Remember all those nasty-wasty things that you ever knew?”

“What?”

“Well, they’re about to be gone!”

“What!?"

“That’s right!”

“B-But why!? Why do you have to h-hug me like this?”

“...I don’t know.”

She let go of Edward with a sigh and looked downtrodden.

“W-What?”

A green flash of fire later, and it was not a pink pony sitting on his bed, but some weird bug thing. He started backing up, but another flash of green fire and it was that same pink pony on the bed. Now Edward was really confused.

“That was what I look like normally. But since I joined the Grand Earth Cuddle Crusade and volunteered in Pinkie’s Corps, I’ve looked like the Equestrian Hero. We were instructed to hug people until they hugged back, and we could quote-unquote ‘cleanse them of their corruption’. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to work, but... it does.”

Edward’s silence was cause enough for the whatsit to continue,

“I’ve seen my fellow changelings turn bitter, sad beings into happier beings by simply... hugging them. Something about the magic of a Cuddle Crusader.”

“C-Cuddle Crusader?”

The pony/changeling/alien/whatever turned to face Edward, and it said,

“Oh, you don’t know. Long ago, our land was like yours. Unseen evils and bitterness threatened to consume the land, and evil still returns now and again. Nothing like here, though, but that’s what we’re trying to fix!”

The changeling in disguise flashed a practiced smile and said, stretching aside its forelimbs,

“S-So... can w-w-we still cuddle?”

Suddenly it became unsure and withdrawn, tapping its forelimbs together nervously,

“I-I mean... if that’s fine. You don’t mind, right?”

Edward by this point, while not unsympathetic was also unsure, but thought, eh and shrugged.

“Might as well.”

The Pinkified changeling squealed like a schoolgirl and rushed to his arms, uttering “thank you” over and over again while hugging her new friend. The cuddle magics started their work, and she got to feel full for the first time in ages as she felt Edward wrap his arms around her.

====CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS NEWSCASTERS YAY WAIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS RECORDING AAAH STOP IT STOP I====

It was inevitable. The President of the Russian Federation was sure of it.

War was suicide, seeing as the combined might of NATO and the Crusade would mean a protracted conflict at best.

Immediate defeat at worst.

So he stood with a squad of the FSB, waiting for his fate. Soon, someone reported,

“Sir, the Crusade delegate is approaching, but...”

“But what, Secretary?”

“They’re coming in on old Mi-24’s, sir. They seem to be fitted with loudspeakers.”

“что?”

Sure enough, old Crocodiles were flying in formation, making a landing in the Red Square, with their speakers playing the Russian Anthem. An odd sense of pride threatened to invade the trained men at the square, but they stood firm. Expecting a giant delegation of obviously alien or American delegations, they were surprised when instead a yellow Pegasus hopped out of the lead Crocodile, dressed in a modified olive green coat and a fluffy Shankara. And as some people noticed, she was wearing the most precious pairs of fur booties ahem.

The Russian President stepped forward and opened his mouth to say something when the Pegasus said,

“Вы должны гордиться вашей стране. Вам удалось сохранить ваша огатую историю, несмотря на все, что холодная, жестокий мир пытался бросить на вас. Ваши люди выносливы, и они победили много захватчиков. Но это время прошло. Россия не нуждается страдать прихоти судьбы и мужчин больше, Сука Блять.”

With a start, the President considered her words. He did get the gist of what she had to say, so he weighed his options.

Considering the situation that other countries were under, though... it seemed too good to pass up. Then he looked into her eyes.

Her big, blue eyes. The President should have balked since they were so big, yet he couldn’t help but note the impossible innocence and unconditional love behind them.

He had enough. He reached down and gave that little pegasus a good Russian hug.

Many a stoic disposition was tested that day.

Meanwhile, back in the helicopter...

“What was that 1000-bit bet, Applejack?”

“I was so sure it wouldn’t work. Okay, Rarity, I’ll pay you when we get back."

====RUSSIAN FEDERATION TO JOIN CUDDLE CRUSADE YAAAAAY DID WE GET OUR CUTIE MARKS?====

"She’s still after me..." Leonardo said in sheer exhaustion.

After fleeing the scene, Leonardo was still running.

Now in the forests of wherever-the-heck, Leonardo did his best to outlast his pursuer. Without any rest and water, though, Leonardo was getting rather tired. He had to rest.

Finding a suitable spot in the darkened forest, Leonardo bade his time and listened for any sign of that pony princess. He held his breath for as long as he could to try to keep quiet. Finally, he took control his breathing in this quiet place...

...

...

...

...

Usually, she would’ve said something by now, so why...

A sudden light source from his right answered his question.

“Hello there!”

Leonard panicked again and attempted to flee, but he only managed to drag himself out of his hiding spot before he collapsed. As he tried to crawl backward away from her, she said,

“Wait wait wait! You look like you could really use water right now!”

She levitated a full, unopened water bottle in front of her. Leonard regarded her for a moment, so she said,

“Here, just take it. No cuddling, promise.”

Leonard needed water too badly to argue, so he took it and drank his fill.

“...Thanks.”

“...No problem. What was your name?”

“Huh? Oh, it’s Leonard. I suppose it’s nice to meet you, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“Wha— how did you know my name?”

“You’re on the news pretty often."

Twilight covered her face and said meekly,

“Oh. Heheh.”

Twilight looked at him, a slight red still on her cheeks.

"Okaaay..."

Leonard finally asked, “So what happens now?”

“Oh, um... I did promise that I wouldn’t try to cuddle you... but I don’t want to see you run into the forest. It’s not good for anypo— anybody to be alone in a forest at night. What say you and I just walk back to civilization, okay?”

After an awkward pause, filled only with the sound of leaves rustling softly in the moonlight, Leonard finally relented.

“...S-Sure.”

Leonard got up and they started the trek back to the town. As they walked side-by-side Leonard got to thinking, and awkwardly asked Twilight, “So... nobility, eh?”

Twilight's ears pointed up, and she turned to Leonard, and replied, “What? Oh, um... I haven’t been a princess for very long.”

Perking up his eyebrows, Leonard thought about what that could mean. Was she not of royal blood? Leonard then inquired, “Adopted?”

“Oh, no. No, no, no. I was just appointed Princess recently when Celestia saw that I was worthy to become one.”

“Huh. So, any suitors out there?”

“U-Um... not so far. Now’s not the time for that, anyway.”

Twilight’s expression got dark, so Leonard asked,

“Boyfriend troubles?”

“Wha— oh no no. The only other prince that’s really ‘suitable’ for me is Prince Blueblood. I mean, you couldn’t find a worse suitor if you tried!”

They had stopped, and Twilight waved those front hooves of hers. That annoyed expression was just endearing to Leonard, though. Once they started moving again, Leonardo asked,

“So, he’s that bad, huh?”

“Oh, don’t even get me started! He probably doesn’t even know the difference between a kingdom and a principality!”

She somehow got her eyes googly and her voice took a mocking tone, and she said,

“Durrr, is it where they get more wine and servants?”

She went back to that same annoyed look as before and said,

“No, Blueblood, a Kingdom is ruled by a King while a Principality is ruled by a Prince! It doesn’t matter how much wine and servants either of those has!”

Leonard snickered and asked, “So is your country a kingdom or a principality?”

“Huh? Oh, it’s a kingdom principality for now. The Alicorn King and Queen of old left; it is said that one day they will return, but until then, the Princesses they raised must rule.”

“Fair enough.”

====CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS TO TRY FOR CUDDLE CRUSADER CUTIE MARKS WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN’T DO THAT, MISTER?====

After a nice walk, Leonard had unexpectedly made a new friend.

There was that whole thing with Twilight stating with pride that she was the Princess of Friendship or something.

'Sure.'

As the city lights neared, and as the coast was almost clear, there were several shouts.

“Look! It’s him!"

“He’s come back safely!”

“Thanks to Princess Twilight Sparkle, that is!”

Leonardo was confused at the attention he was getting until he was tackled by a smaller griffon with dark feathers.

“Hey! You promised...”

“I only promised you that I wouldn’t snuggle you. That doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t get snuggled. Sorry. You’ll be fine, though.”

Leonardo struggled under the weight, then said, “Bugger. You will make a good politician yet.”

That was enough for Twilight to giggle at, and Leonardo was filled with snuggle magic.

Author's Note

What do you mean I might not continue my most popular story ever

Yet another chapter

Three fillies were shooed out with a broom from the entrance of a news broadcasting station with a gruff command, “And stay out!”

Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo picked themselves up and dusted their capes off as the door closed behind them. Sighing, “Well, that was a bust,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Yeah, it’s bad enough that we stowed away on the Earth Cuddle Crusade, but are there really human-related cutie marks?” Scootaloo added, with a swish of her tail. Applebloom adjusted her bow and said, “Don’t worry, girls! I’m sure we could find something else!”

Sweetie Belle snorted annoyedly and said, “Yeah, we’re better off just going home. We’ve tried everything!”

“Yeah, we’ve tried Tank Crewmares, Fast Food Cooks, Street Acrobatic Marketing...” Scootaloo then added, punctuating every talent with a hoof tap on the pavement.

Sweetie Belle cut off Scootaloo by saying wistfully, “Though twirling those ad signs was pretty fun..”

With a bit of frustration, Scootaloo waved her front hoof and said, “They wouldn’t even let us in to try for Nuclear Engineer Cutie Marks! They said stuff like safety and certification, but you never know until you try!”

"Yeah, let’s go home,” A slightly deflated Applebloom said

They then started their trek on the way to the airport so they could cross the interdimensional portal aurora by plane and go home. They started to wander several neighborhoods, unaware that they were lost. The Crusaders were shaken from their stupor by someone shouting nearby, “ROLL FOR INITIATIVE, SUCKAS!”

A rogue flying die flew out of an open basement window and hit Applebloom in the head, causing her to exclaim.

“Ow!”

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo quickly looked over Applebloom and the die before they noticed where it flew from. They then noticed several new voices.

“You’ve got to stop throwing those dice like that, man! One flew out the window!”

“You’se all jelly that I can throw dees dice dis hard!”

“Use English, for goodness’ sakes!”

“Guys, calm down! It’s just a game!”

“Can we get started already?”

The trio of troublesome fillies looked into the window, and found four young men playing... some sort of game. It involved funny-looking miniatures and dice. The inquisitive crusaders listened in.

“Man, can you believe how crazy this world’s coming to?”

“Yeah, all these guys falling out of the sky, man. We’re now in a fantasy setting, brother!”

“Yeah, right. Where’s the dwarves and trolls?”

“Not here, obviously, killjoy.”

“...Can we start now?”

“What’s the matter, man? You seem down.”

“Hm? Oh, I just nearly got cuddled today.”

“Oh, man. That must’ve been a close one.”

“Yeah. Thankfully they can’t tell we’re lying about being cuddled.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped. Humans, not being cuddled?

“Yeah. I’m guessing the majority of America’s just lying about being hugged by these weirdos.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped again. Sweetie Belle said, “Guys, do you know what this means?”

Scootaloo quietly said with a bit of excitemet, “Yeah, Sweetie Belle. It means we can get our cutie marks in...”

All three fillies whisper-shouted, “Cutie Mark Crusader Cuddle Crusaders!”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders then snuck off to discuss tactics. They were outnumbered here, and they needed a plan of action. They needed to convene at a war room. However, a McDonald’s would work just as well. The sun was setting as they entered. They ordered McFlurries, and paid with bits. The lady taking the order gave them a look before moving to make the frozen treats. They sat down at a booth and started discussing possible plans of attack. Obviously, they were going to need a lot more “oomph” if they were going to take on four uncuddled humans. They were stumped on the whole problem when none other than Princess Luna walked in and ordered a vegetarian meal. Luna spotted the Crusaders, smiled, and waved at them. The Crusaders returned the gesture, and Sweetie Belle suddenly had a lightbulb moment. She called out to Luna, “Hey, Princess Luna! Wanna chat with us?”

Luna received her meal and sat down with the Crusaders, saying, “I don’t exchange pleasantries with my subjects often enough. It is fortunate that I caught you as I was about to sample the infamous MacDonald Cuisine. What news, fillies?”

By this point, Applebloom and Scootaloo had caught on to Sweetie Belle’s plan, and they also grinned. Sweetie Belle said a little too loudly, “We’ve found some uncuddled humans, and we’d like your help to get our Cuddle Crusader Cutie Marks!”

Luna paused, thought a little, then said, “Are these humans really uncuddled? I thought America was harmonized.”

Scootaloo said excitedly, “We’ve uncovered a huuuge conspiracy of humans lying about being cuddled! I mean, who does that?”

Now Luna gasped, and she said, “Take me to them, that they may be harmonized!”

She took a sip from her sugary, carbonated drink, and then said, “After we finish dinner, of course.”

====LATEST IN THE CUDDLE CRUSADE: AMERICA COMPLETELY HARMONIZED====

“NATURUA TWEENTY, SUCKAS!”

“Just stop!”

“JELLY!”

“RAAAGH!”

“Dude, calm down. It’s just a game.”

“What did I do to deserve this?”

====LOCAL WEATHERMAN PICKETS NEWLY ESTABLISHED WEATHER STATIONS====

“What?!”

Celestia nearly broke the President’s eardrum with that shout. She was currently talking to her sister over a smartphone she had purchased. After trying clumsily to use it by her hooves, she resorted to manipulating it and holding it with her telekinesis. She currently had the device near her head. She then shouted, “What do you mean, there are humans lying about being cuddled?”

The President of the United States internally groaned. After all, he had been host for the Princesses and while they were polite and understanding, they did have the whole “Manual Harmonization” routine going. The shock of having been... cuddled had still not worn off on the President. Sure, he did feel... better? Still honestly weirded out, though. Now, another headache-inducing scenario was developing right in front of him. It would be rude of him to interrupt Princess Celestia, though, so he waited. Celestia finally said after a while of listening to her sister, “Very well. We’ll have to postpone the new offensive to secure what we do have. Farewell, dear sister.”

With that, Celestia tucked her phone away turned to the President.

'Here we go again...'

Now using a tone more regal and appropriate for the Princess of Equestria, Celestia began, “Mister President, a new development has arisen. Would you be willing to have our security services chat up yours so we can track down these uncuddled?”

The President sighed on the inside, then said, “What would it take?”

Celestia callously told the President, “Well, we would have to work with your National Security Agency and Department of Homeland Defense, but we can pool our resources to...”

With no small amount of alarm, the President interjected, “Waaait, wait wait. What?”

Celestia rolled her eyes, and continued, “We can use our combined intelligence network to track down the uncuddled, and...”

Waving his hands above his head frantically, the President spoke quickly, saying, “I’ve already broken the law once for you, Princess. The UN is still throwing hot coals at me for donating transports for your... expeditions to the UK, Europe, and Russia.”

Celestia didn't seem to be phased by this revelation, but instead told the President, “Ah, but that is where you are wrong. See, we petitioned the Polish to get transports into Russia. Took a bit of convincing, and it was a bit of a gamble, but it paid off.”

The President clapped both of his hands to his face, and said between his fingers, “Look, I’m already in trouble for breaking international law. Please don’t ask me to break domestic laws as well. I really don’t want the reputation that comes with spying on my own citizens. Goodness knows we have enough presidents who have ruined themselves that way. So, no dice, Princess.”

A pause. Then, Celestia decided, “...I see. Good day, Mister President.”

The President sighed, then chose this moment to sink into a nearby lounge chair. This was going to be another long day.

====CRUSADERS PICKET CULT GATHERING: ACCUSE OF BEING UNCUDDLED ====

“Hey, who brought the treats?”

“Oh, shoot. I left them upstairs. Let me go get them.”

“BRING DA CHEEEPS, DAWG!”

With a violent sigh, Richard Freeman walked up the steps to retrieve his grocery bag of goodies for game night. It was bad enough that Howard freaking Stone arrived. Great guy, but he had recently adopted the most ridiculous patterns of speech. Still, Richard couldn’t complain. He did enjoy the opportunity to have game night, however. It was an opportune moment in an otherwise insane world to spend time with old friends. Even if it was only a temporary escape, it still served to cool nerves to play Dungeons and Dragons with his high-school friends.

Richard neared the kitchen, intent on collecting his bag of candy, chips, and soda when he noticed something off. He looked around, noticing the darkened upstairs and the still quiet. It unnerved him even more that all sound had ceased from downstairs. Richard’s friends were characteristically a rowdy bunch. It meant to Richard that something was seriously wrong. He looked to the kitchens, then to the stairs, then to the front door. Nothing looked off, other than the lights being off. He continued to the kitchens to run face first into the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were all wearing maniacal grins.

Richard freaked out, but all sounds were muffled by Luna’s magic. The rowdy bunch downstairs only noticed something was off when a faint scream was heard from upstairs. Everyone went dead silent. Howard was the first to speak, chattering, "Will, Alex, did you hear that?”

They both nodded grimly. They wordlessly got up from their seats and wandered up the stairs. They also noticed the darkened first floor as they made their way to the kitchen. Alex peeked around the corner to see Richards on the floor, grasping at a pale yellow filly attached to his face. Alex gasped, and then caught sight of a jumping filly before his vision was all orange thanks to the same filly now hugging his face. Alex freaked out, and as Will and Howard saw what was happening, they also panicked. Will felt tapping on his left calf, so he spun around quickly to see a white filly jump at him. Howard turned around to see what came of his screaming friend, and yelled out, “Aw hail naw!”

He bolted out the door and ran into the yard, only to find a smiling Princess Luna there. Howard reached into his pocket and threw all his spare dice at Luna, shouting, “YOU BETTER ROLL FOR GRAPPLE, PONY!”

He then rushed past her and ran for his life. Howard closed his eyes and ran as hard as his body could, and after a while, he supposed he could open his eyes. He forgot to notice that magic had been holding him aloft the entire time. Howard swiveled around to see the Princess with an amused grin. Luna shook her head softly and said, “I don’t need a grapple check while I still have a few telekinesis spells today.”

'Oh crap. She’s right. Dang technicalities.'

He got pulled into a hug by the Lunar Princess, and he groaned. Luna just said, “Oh, hush, my little human. I hope the crusaders found their cutie marks.”

They didn’t.

====AMERICA NOT COMPLETELY HARMONIZED AFTER ALL: CUDDLEQUEST ADVANCE POSTPONED====

In a lonely dark canyon, somewhere...

“Yeeeeess...”

The wind picked up, creating a howling noise to the air. No living souls were in the canyon, save a few lonely crows.

“Thiiiiis is perrrfect...”

The cliff face shuddered. A human skull now protruded from the cliffside.

“My defeeaat was perhaps inevitable, long agooo...”

The sediment shifted, and the human skull fell on the cold, stony canyon floor. A crack formed on the skull, running down the the middle of the forehead and on down to the jawline.

“The four legged fooools and their friiieends didn’t figure that they weren’t the only ones who would cross the bridge between two wooorlds...”

The canyon seemed to convulse some more, until a multitude of bones from men and all sorts of animals joined the skull on the canyon floor, creating a boneyard. The winds picked up some more, and the cracked human skull floated up. Mismatched vertebrae and other bones floated up and arranged themselves in a human form. Goat horns awkwardly fused themselves to the forehead of the skull. Sharp carnivorous teeth from predators long past fused themselves to the jaw of the skull. The jaws snapped together with a sharp click.

“The huuumaaans have the perfect sets of bones for my new form...”

The crows suddenly found themselves sucked into the mess of bones, cawing until promptly cut off with a series of crunching noises as their organic tissues dried and were restructured into a dry, dark cloak that appeared black in the dark canyon, with only the pale moonlight to provide a contrast to the black and red-stained form.

“I can seeeense the long dead, thirsting for battle... I shall grant them glory. It has been so long since I interfeeeered with the affairs of the living. I’ve even forgotten my naaaaame. Hmm... I shall call myseeeeelf Zaal’gor. And I shall claim this woooorld.”

With that said, the newly self-christened Zaal’gor let loose an inhuman cackle into the air, long and loud and harsh on his new vocal chords.

Author's Note

2spook

Go give this story some love.

I made the cover art and everything

The fourth consecutive chapter

====MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES TELEKINECT: NOW PLAY GAMES WITH YOUR MIND====

Archibald sighed as he strolled through Boston Park. He was wearing jeans and a blue sweatshirt, which was ruffled with age. The sweatshirt even had some scuff marks. The madness that the world had come to was just adding up, and it threatened to overwhelm Archibald.

Cthulhu cults, the appearance of fantasy aliens in a small US town one day, and the following Cuddlequest.

Cuddlequest.

Where apparently the magic of friendship and the magic of being cuddled were evidently real things now, and that they believed hugs and nuzzles were a social cure-all and everyone was invited to have one.

Archibald would never admit this to anyone, but he remained free of the alien magic that ran through so many of his friends’ veins.

I mean, sure it turned a couple of rotten people into the best of friends, but...

It saddened Archibald to no end that the world might finally know global peace, but that it wasn't brought about by men. Instead, it would be brought about by these things with wings or horns or sometimes even both that fell from the sky. Sure, it was all and well that people were becoming better, but...

It still seemed a hollow victory for Archibald. He was confident that man would reach this point on their own, but now? Archibald wasn't so sure.

Could we have made it, and for that matter, have we actually made it? I know there are others like me, but is that a good or bad thing?

Archibald spotted an old man sitting alone on a park bench, just tossing some bread crumbs to some pigeons. The old man was wearing some nice formal dress, but Archibald didn't know what for. The man even wore an old-style bowler hat atop his head. Archibald figured this bench was a good place to stop for awhile. He sat down, straightened his jacket, and returned to his thoughts while staring idly at the autumn-tinted trees. He was shaken from his stupor when he realized the old man had asked him a question.

"Hm?"

"Crazy year, isn't it?"

" How do you deal with it all?"

"Oh... I suppose I deal with it as it comes. No use making plans if they just fall apart anyway. Can't say I can complain about not having company anymore. Loneliness isn't something a man my age needs or desires... but it's something a man like myself gets all too often."

"Oh. I'm sorry, what was your name?"

"Deere."

The two men shook hands.

"My name's Archibald."

"Heh. Used to know a guy called Archibald. Worked marine shipping. I always teased him because his name's the same as that drunkard comedy relief sailor from that comic book series. Oh... what was it called?"

Archibald knew exactly what Deere was talking about, but didn't comment on it.

"Ah, it's nothing. The kids these days are on about something else, though... what's it called..."

"...Star Wars?"

"Wait, they're still around?"

"Yeah. They made 3 new movies and everything. Kids love 'em, but the adult fans hate 'em even more than they hated the prequels."

Deere chuckled.

"I guess we old people just despise the new, huh?"

"Well now that you say it, that reminds me of an elderly CEO of some upstart game company. They..."

And so Archibald and Deere shot the breeze about the latest and greatest, as well as the classics.

"I'm telling you, Deere. These kids aren't even musicians anymore! I think that music reached its peak with Queen, Led Zepplin, and the like."

"Hah! No argument there. To give the young'uns credit, though, there are exceptions."

"Well, yeah. Hopefully they won't let us down."

"Speaking of letdowns, someone was supposed to be here."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Am I taking their space?"

"Oh, no. It's fine. I'm sure she's forgotten to meet up with me, busy as she is. There's always tomorrow."

"Oh. Well. Who's this 'she', then?"

"Just a new friend of mine. I'm sure you could be friends, too. After all, that's why she came to this world. To make friends.”

"U-Uh, oh! A Cuddle Crusader?"

"Yeah. Not too many people come to see some geezer, much less make friends. I should count myself fortunate, as should you."

"Yeah, I don't really... know that this is good for us, ya know? Shouldn't we have been able to resolve our differences ourselves? I mean if we can't do it alone..."

"Son, let me tell you a story...
“It was about when I was just as young as you are, looking to make my way in the world. I'd had my share of successes and crises, but I figured I could take them.

“That is, until I lost my family."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. My loving parents and my siblings went out on a surprise roadtrip to pay me a visit to my college campus. Some druggie went into the oncoming lane, and everybody was subsequently killed."

"That's horrible."

"That it was. I've made my peace with that since then. I was distraught. I thought God, the world, and fate had abandoned me. I was all set to power through the agony and the pain by myself, as I thought I must..."

Deere took a deep breath and composed himself.

"When my friends and my future wife pulled through for me. I realized then that as I shared my agony and soul-scarring hurt with them, it lessened. It became a dull throb instead of a pulsing, pounding and overwhelming tide of misery."

Deere sighed happily.

" I learned that as long as you've got friends who can help, you can pull each other through anything the universe chucks at you. I suppose the same could be said of mankind. It's just fortunate that the first alien life we've encountered proved more friend than foe. That could prove... quite messy."

As Archibald considered Deere's words, Deere pulled out something from his coat pocket. It was a simple silver whistle. Deere twiddled the whistle between his wrinkled fingers.

"Even if our new friends have proven so far to be quite a handful. Heh. This old age is more manageable with this... magic. It doesn't hurt that our new friends are soft, though. Wouldn't you agree?"

"I haven't exactly been cuddled so I wouldn’t know..."

Archibald realized his mistake too late and covered his mouth with his hands.

"Ooh, you shouldn't have said that. The trees have ears, you know."

With that, Deere blew once on the whistle, and from behind a nearby tree, Chrysalis walked into view.

"Good morning, Mister Deere."

"Good morning, Your Highness."

Archibald paled and got up to flee the scene.

Or he would, if Chrysalis didn't immediately grasp him with her telekinesis and press him into her chest as she took his place on the park bench. Chrysalis then trapped Archibald with her hind legs as he struggled.

"How's your day, Deere?"

"Oh, it's been lovely, thanks. How's the crusade?"

"I've heard rumors that we're deploying to South America next."

"Is that so? Well, the humidity might not agree with me, but where duty calls, I suppose."

Deere looked over to where Archibald was fruitlessly grabbing at Chrysalis’s forelegs in an effort to escape.

"Oh, stop cussing and fussing, boy. You just look like a dang fool."

The young man sighed and relaxed. Perhaps being cuddled wouldn't be so bad after all...

====MAN ARRESTED AFTER ACCIDENTALLY TELEPATHICALLY TRANSMITTING BOMB THREAT THROUGH TELEKINECT====

"FLEEEEE, FOOOOLS!"

Zaal'gor and his newly christened army of the dead marched down the street of a small American town. Humans everywhere were fleeing from Zaal’gor and his horde. Zaal'gor didn't even need to slay one of them. Besides, they would make useful servants later. Zaal'gor threw his head back again and laughed. Soon, Zaal’gor stumbled onto a cafe, so he bid his army sweep the streets of the cowards while he investigated this human bastion.

The cafe had been abandoned in a rush, and there were no more living souls there. However, something caught Zaal'gor’s eye.

"It seeems to be... some sort of... device..."

The device consisted of a glowing screen which was framed by exceedingly shiny silver material. There were curious buttons with numbers and letters on then. Another odd thing was a device that was attached to the screen and button board. It was something Zaal'gor determined could fit into a normal human palm. There were also components on this attached device that depressed and made a fascinating clicking sound.

But enough of the device. Zaal'gor turned his attention to the screen.

The glowing screen presented to him displayed a curious registration form for a service that oddly enough was called...

"Twitter..."

Zaal'gor deduced that this could be useful, so he filled out the required fields by using the most curious instrument of inputting data. Having filled the form, Zaal'gor noticed the word "ENTER" on his... input board.

"That muuuuust be the correct key to presss heeere...."

So Zaal'gor pressed "Enter". The display changed, and Zaal'gor was presented with the ability to tell the world anything he wanted.

If it was under a certain amount of characters, that is.

Zaal'gor calculated how he was going to word his evil announcement to the world. After a while, having finished his thoughts, Zaal'gor inputed,

"ATTENTION, WORLD OF MORTALS: ZAAL'GOR HAS COME TO CLAIM YOU. RESIST AND DIE."

Zaal'gor then pressed "Enter", and his message was displayed for all to see. Soon enough, the screen displayed Zaal'gor's dire message to the world. Surely the message would cause the puny humans to surrender right away. Zaal'gor cackled loudly, reverberating through the discarded cafe before a noise brought back his concentration.

"Aaahh, some mortal dares to respond to my challenge!"

Zaal'gor read the new display, which read,

"KingSeaKing: lol @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer #TwitterRP"

"I... I do not understand..."

*Tweet* Another message. Zaal'gor quickly diverted his attention to the new message.

"HermionetehWitch: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer I haven't seen one of THESE in a while #Persona"

"...What?"

Another one.

"Mr1337N3X4S: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Zaal'gor MORE LIKE GAY GOR LOLOL #IOWNU"

Zaal'gor was confused. Just what did that human imply?

Another one.

"SensualSwordfish: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Maybe we could... roleplay sometimes ;) #Twitteroleplay"

Zaal'gor utilized the palm-clicker to click "Reply" so he could retort to all the insolent humans who dare to insult him.

"I AM ZAAL'GOR THE DESTROYER, AND YOU WILL SHOW RESPECT FOR YOUR BETTERS, MORTALS!"

Zaal'gor angrily tapped the "Enter" button.

There was yet another noise from the computer.

"UnHolyCultOfCthulhu: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Sorry, but you ain't no Cthulhu. #Cthulhu5lyfe"

Who is this Cthulhu?!

Yet another tweet.

"RavesnReviews: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Oh, look. It's ANOTHER Grim Reaper Twitter Roleplayer. #thisagain"

Zaal'gor had a realization. These humans thought he wasn't serious. They were toying with him.

Zaal'gor gnashed his sharp teeth together, causing a most unpleasant grinding sound.

Another noise.

"PartePone115: HI @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer! WANT A CUPCAKE? #cupcakesaregoodforursoul"

Zaal'gor pounded his fist on the table, becoming more agitated with these defiant mortals.

So he typed into the prompt again to educate the mortals on their imminent fate.

"DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT DEATH COMES FOR THIS WORLD? YOU WILL ALL BURN IN FIRE!"

After confirming his message, Zaal'gor awaited the answer from the feeble masses. And reply they did.

They just keep coming.

"ImperatorAmericana: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer #likefire #hellfire #thisfireinmyskin"

Zaal'gor knew not what the mortal spoke of, and that infuriated him.

"HemenghisExMortis: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer FINALLY A VILLAINOUS RIVAL TO TEST MY METTLE #1v1"

Zaal'gor maneuvered the machine to reply to this... Mortis.

"FOOL! DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I AM NOW YOUR SUPERIOR?! YOU SHOULD COUNT YOURSELVES LUCKY I DIDN'T KILL YOU ALL ON SIGHT!"

The computer chirped at him again

"BastionofBrad: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer You could use some dermatologist help. Put some lotion on your skin. #itputsthelotiononitsskin"

Even though Zaal'gor required no oxygen, his breath quickened and deepened in rage.

Another tweet.

"FührerYüri: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer lol liches from WoW were cooler #MLG"

Zaal'gor loudly growled. How dare they?

The computer tweeted at Zaal’gor again.

"SensualSwordfish: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer So, how about that session? ;3 #uknouwantit"

"RAAAGH!"

Zaal'gor picked up the device with the palm-clicker dangling off of it, carried it outside, and threw it across town.

"YOU WILL ALL FEAR ZAAL'GOR THE DESTROYER! ...You watch!"

Zaal'gor walked back inside the cafe to locate another device. This insolence would be punished, one way or the other.

Author's Note

Hopefully I'm not losing my touch.

Those twitter names were fun to make up.

The fifth and final chapter before the bonus chapters

====APPLE DEVELOPS MAGIOS FOR NEW PRODUCT LINE====

"Everything's been prepared, sir."

"Thanks, Agent."

Many would be envious of the President of the United States of America. Who wouldn't be? The President held power over domestic and international policies, and he had already secured his position in history as the President who first talked with aliens. However, the President doubted that many people would envy his current situation. That was because his little angel Tabitha was turning 6 today. This would be difficult enough, considering the amount of friends Tabitha invited who would have to go through Secret Service to get into the White House. That was always a chore. What was worse was that all of the Equestrian Princesses were included on that guest list. So it was just when Princess Celestia had excused herself from the White House that she would inevitably return.

"Daddy, look at all these fluffy unicorns!"

"Tabitha, sweetheart. These aren't unicorns; they're alicorns."

"But they've got horns and everything!"

"Tabitha, they've also got wings."

"Doesn't that make them pegasususes?"

"No, sweetheart. An alicorn pony's got both wings and horns."

"Oh! Well why didn't you say that before, Daddy? Now come on, let's go!"

Tabitha dragged her father by the hand to the tea party currently ongoing outside on the lawn of the White House. The President couldn't really get an accurate count of how many guests, aside from the royal ponies, had arrived.

Just how many friends does Tabitha have?

Tabitha let go of her father's hand and ran up to go mingle with her friends, who were all dressed in those cheap princess costumes. They all ran around and crowded the pony princesses as if they were all at Disney World. Thankfully, the First Lady limited visits to Disney World to once every year. What flabbergasted the president, though, was that the pony princesses actually seemed to be enjoying themselves. They all talked to the girls about how pretty they were and ooh look at the dresses and the hairstyles. In turn, the girls would randomly hug the princesses and tell them about how precious they were and compliment their manes.

At least they're having a good time.

Tabitha was spending a worrying amount of time around Princess Celestia, though. The President looked around and saw the dutiful Secret Service Agents at their posts as always. He then looked over the party some more. It had all the hallmarks of a Disney-loving birthday party. It had fake tiaras and plastic dresses, cheap tea in plastic cups, and greasy cheese pizza. Taking a slice and biting into it, the President pondered getting a hard drink to help wash this pizza down. He decided against it, though, because the last president to have beer on his lawn drank his inauguration night away with friends, burned a wicker man and had to abandon the White House to partying guests until he could lure them out with even more alcohol.

Eh, it's probably for the better this way, but did it have to be ponies?
The President chuckled.

At least it wasn't little green Martians.

The President was shaken from his thoughts when he realized that a tired Princess Celestia was making her way to him.

"Long day, Your Highness?"

"Yes, Mister President. It seems that these children draw from the same unseen power source as ours do."

They both chuckled. Celestia said, "But yes, it has been a long day for me. I've been busying myself not only as the Solar Princess of Equestria, but also as head of the Earth Cuddle Crusade, which is going well, all considered."

"Hm?"

"Oh, there's complications arising from people who resist us. The usual. It's not easy being despotic."

Celestia grinned. The President raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, I was kidding!”

They were both approached by a suited pony and a suited man who both said,

“There’s a situation.”

====APPLE SUED OVER HYPERREALISTIC, SEIZURE INDUCING APPS====

After further attempts at teaching the world to fear him, Zaal’gor burned down the internet cafe and walked around the streets of the small town he had taken over. He addressed a nearby minion, an undead creature constructed from a human head, elongated ribs fashioned into claws,
and a bear body.

“Report! What are the results of the watch?”

The skeletal construct didn’t respond. The silence was unbroken for several seconds, before Zaal’gor groaned.

“Yes, that’s right. Normal undead can’t talk. I’ll need to get minions with pulses...”

Zaal’gor walked down the abandoned street, while the skeletal creature mindlessly followed.

“I should’ve captured some souls while I could, now I’ve got to check the perimeter for myself...”
Manuevering the streets didn’t prove to be a challenge for Zaal’gor, since there were big

“EVACUATE THIS WAY” signs.

“Such fools. They think fleeing my undead presence will help them in the end."

Zaal'gor continued down the streets until a figure in the skies above the streets caught Zaal'gor's attention. He looked directly at the flying intruder.

"A pegasus? They must be marshalling for battle."

The pegasus flew away, having been discovered. Zaal'gor followed the path the pesasus took.

"Yeees. Lead me to the naiive princesses. It has been eons since I've seen those foals."

Zaal'gor let loose a shrill shriek that shook windows and bones. Soon enough, undead monstrosities of varied description formed up around Zaal'gor until he had all of his forces rallied to him. Zaal'gor spoke to them, saying,

"Come, follow your master."

====RESIDENTS EVACUATE TOWN: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HERALDED BY CUDDLEQUEST?===

"Are the troops ready, Captain?"

"Yes, Princess. They await only your word."

In the following days after the evacuation and isolation of Lone Jack, Missouri by the humans of the National Guard, Celestia recalled all ponies of the Crusade to marshal for battle and assembled local and Equestrian undead experts. Having quickly formed a battle plan, the Equestrians of the Earth Cuddle Crusade made camp just outside of the isolated zone being guarded by the National Guard. Celestia cleared her throat and left the Command Tent to an assembled group of ponies. She smiled and said,

"Ponies of the Crusade! I know that I have already asked a lot from you, to put your lives aside for the work of Harmony and peace, but these dire circumstances demand that we give even more of ourselves! Our allies have never faced an undead threat before now, and even though I have confidence they can defeat these monsters, we as their friends should not sit idly by and watch these brave humans sacrifice themselves when we can help!"

A cheer rose through the golden-armored crowd, but Celestia raised a forehoof so she could hush the crowd and continue.

"Dark forces that would dare attack us or our friends shall find that they'll have to deal with us all! If we are to continue our work in the Earth Cuddle Crusade, we must show our friends that we will be there for them! We must show this world, where doubt and fear have taken hold, that we will not be swayed by such things! We shall sing songs of our victory here, and we will all know a peace and happiness that is only gained through noblest causes! To victory!"

A much louder and more energetic cheer rose from the crowd of Royal Guard and Cuddle Crusader ponies. They stomped their armored hooves, and Celestia saw that victory was already theirs. A small device on Celestia's person beeped and a radio voice crackle. Celestia teleported away from the noise and held the device to her ear by telekinesis, and listened. Sure enough, the radio bleeped again, and a man said through it,

"This is Sentry Camp, calling Crusader Camp. Please respond, over."

"This is... Crusader Camp, Sentry Camp... over."

"Crusader Camp, be advised; all enemy elements amassing outside of Lone Jack, over."

"...Roger. These are... confirmed reports? Ah... over."

"Confirmed. Drone surveillance reads the town is empty of enemies.... Stand by, Crusader camp. Over."

After a long pause, Sentry Camp continued,

"Be advised; enemy leadership element identified themselves as Zaal'gor and is demanding an audience with the Equestrian Royalty, over."

"Copy that... over and out, Sentry Camp."

Flicking off the power switch, the Princess-turned-Crusader walked out of the tent she had been using. She saw ponies with gleaming armor strolling down the way, saluting her or bowing. Celestia eventually turned a corner and walked back inside the Command Tent, where all the Princesses had gathered. Princesses Luna, Twilight, and Cadance all looked to Princess Celestia. She said,

"My Princesses, we will fly to meet this Zaal'gor that threatens us and our friends so. Let us be off."

The metallic golden, blue, purple, and pink figures rushed out into the grey skies.

"They had better arrive."

The skeletal abomination beside Zaal'gor remained mute as Zaal'gor tapped his skeletal foot.

"I would hope that I spoke loud enough for the flying fools to hear me."

The abomination didn't answer.

"If not, then I'll just have to find them myself."

Zaal'gor turned to look his creation in the eyes, and the magical construct returned the stare its master was giving it, but as ever, it would only speak silence. After a while, Zaal'gor sighed, shook his head, and said,

"I keep forgetting that you can't even talk."

The gaze of the creature swung forward, which caused Zaal'gor to turn the same way. They saw the light coming off the gleaming armored figures approaching them.

"Look. There he is, in front of his... horrible horde."

Celestia could see that Twilight, upon actually seeing the Undead warlord, reacted pretty much how a respecter of life would react. With revulsion, fear and... a bit of curiosity. It would be only natural for her student to be mindful of the unknown. She stepped back when Celestia said,

"Try to let me talk it into reason. It seems intelligent, but not that intelligent."

Celestia walked forward to confront Zaal'gor. His undead figure towered above most of his ramshackle creations, save for a few that gave the Princess pause.

All these poor creatures. Not only has their eternal rest been interrupted, but I can't make out one undead that isn't some cruel fusion of two or more bodies.

Dark energies swirled and pulsated around the minion's bones and collected inside ribcages and skulls. Their stony gaze drifted over Celestia, but couldn't linger to look into empty eyesockets as Zaal'gor addressed the Crusader.

"Yesss. You were the one who defeated me all those centuries ago."

Celestia blinked. Had she met this person before?

"...I am ZAAL'GOR! I come for the life and light of this world!"

Celestia sat back on her armored haunches and tapped a hoof to her chin. Had she really defeated a villain like this?

"...What? Don't you recognize your old nemesis?"

Celestia scrunched her snout in thought and racked her brain, searching every synapse for a recollection of this wretched creature.

"... Seriously?"

Crusader Celestia finally shrugged. She then said,

"I don't remember defeating an undead warlord before."

Zaal'gor shook his hands in front of his face, made some frustrated noises, and shouted,
"You don't remember, when you and your lunar sister were foals?! YOU WERE THE ONLY ONES NOT SCARED OF MY POWER!"

Celestia tapped the side of her head and said,

"Sorry. We must've been too young to remember such an encounter."

Zaal'gor screamed in barely constrained fury. He then shouted,

"Gather your pitiful armies, foal! Life will finally be conquered by DeAth!"

Celestia giggled, then commented,

"Your voice cracked."

Zaal'gor threw up his bony hands, then marched into his horde, not sparing a glance backwards. Celestia felt kinda bad for messing up negotiations that badly, but the sound of an echoey, haunted voice crack just made her day. She walked back to the three other princesses, who were all straining to keep their own mirth in. Celestia broke first, and soon, the Equestrian Royalty were laughing their guts out.

"Shut up!!"

That only made them laugh even harder.

After recovering, the Royal Crusaders formed in front of the massed ranks of Royal Guardsponies armed with gleaming spears. The Griffon, Changeling, Minotaur, Buffalo, Zebra, and Dragon Crusaders were also in ranks, but with simpler armor, painted pink in places. They were also armed with spears. The alicorns regarded the troops. Celestia first felt sad at seeing all the innocent lives about to be put through the crucible of war, all the young, brave ones.

Then she saw the diversity of determined-looking faces in the crowd. She saw what were once enemies, but who had banded together for something bigger than each of them. United in purpose and soon to be unified by fighting not only for themselves, but for the friends to their right and to their left. She felt a sad pride, then. She had to take up the mantle of the determined leader, so she shouted, "To victory!"

A stomping of hooves, chittering, bellowing, and roaring answered her. Though the battle would be tough, Celestia knew that everything good empowered these brave
Crusaders, and that only Evil drove the opposing forces on. Good will always defeat Evil.

They marched.

Zaal'gor crossed his arms and tapped his fingers on his dry arm bones.

Childish fools. I can't believe I let them leave with their wretched wings still attached to their backs.

He saw the massing mortal army on the ridge, undoubtedly about to charge into his ranks.

I'm about to correct that.

The impatient Dark Lord tapped his skeletal feet on the grass.

Why aren't they attacking?

Zaal'gor cast a farsight spell and saw that the ranks of the army opposing him weren't even focusing on his army.

What...

He followed the gaze of the enemy cannon fodder, and sure enough, he saw the arrogant foal Celestia conversing with a uniformed human.

These fools don't even stand by their supposed allies’ side.

He then saw a prone human looking directly at him with an oversized pair of boxy binoculars.

Fool. You needn't build those so large.

As he watched, a red light shone from the bulky binoculars. He looked down, and saw that the light produced a red dot on his chest.

They think to kill me with this? This may work on something with a pulse, but not for a deathless creature such as I!

Zaal'gor shouted at the top of his nonexistent lungs,

"Any millenium now!"

Something funny-looking in the sky crossed Zaal'gor's eye, but he couldn't quite make out what it was.

"Crusader King Lead on target."

Zaal'gor raised his hands to magically erect a shield, but it was too late.

As the Crusaders watched, the slim egg dropped by the big, flying metal dart broke apart and revealed a little sphere, which formed a little cloud of these funny things, which slammed into the ground, and exploded. Dust rose from the impact site, and everyone was buffeted by a series of shockwaves. They all watched in stunned silence as more of these darts flew by, depositing more of these death eggs into the enemy formation. Soon, they were all obscured by dust kicked up by the explosions.
Celestia looked into the grinning human commander's face, while another human soldier said,

"The Flying Falcons were all on target, sir. Signalling the artillery."

After what seemed to be an eternity of agony, having been continuously blinded by dust and being the target of what must've been endless human weapons, a barely functional Zaal'gor staggered to his feet and looked over what was his army, now a field of blackened dust. Zaal'gor pressed his hands to the sides of his head and said,

"Get me away from this world!"

Zaal'gor then made a run for it the best he could.

"That's a tough little bugger right there. Being able to walk away from both a concentrated airstrike and artillery barrage."

Celestia could only stare in silence. What was once an army of the living dead was now laid to waste by human hands alone, and without any casualties to show for it, too.

Celestia would have to investigate the human martial prowess later, though. Zaal'gor was limping away.

"Perhaps another airstrike to remind him that he's supposed to be dead, Princess?"

Celestia then had a flash of inspiration. She turned to the human commander, adopted a maniacal grin, and said,

"That will not be nessessary."

She took off after Zaal'gor.

Zaal'gor considered his options for fleeing this world. He could not simply raise another army, since the effort it required to withstand the human assault drained enough from Zaal'gor that he barely held together his own undead form. Moving slowly, he heard the unmistakable sound of flapping feathery wings.

He whirled around, and he risked it to throw a spell at the incoming attacker. To his horror, his attack missed. To his horror, he realized that his attacker was no less than the Solar Diarch herself. To his horror, Zaal'gor realized that Celestia had the broadest grin a pony could muster.

To his horror, the energy required for Zaal'gor's last ditch attack had weakened him further, and he would've fallen over backwards feebly had he not been tackled by the Princess. He closed his eyes and waited for the end.

Perhaps Celestia would crush Zaal'gor. Perhaps she would tear him apart. Perhaps she would burn him to ashes, and burn away the ashes.

Or perhaps all three.

Zaal'gor would be destroyed any second now.

Any second now.

Zaal'gor opened his eyes and beheld that his attacker was merely holding him. Very close, as a matter of fact. Zaal'gor had heard of "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer", but this was ridiculous.

"What are you..."

"Sssh..."

"Don't you..."

"Hush."

"What are you even..."

"Hugging you."

Celestia giggled, and Zaal'gor realized how much in grave danger he was in. He weakly struggled against the warm constraint, but it quickly dawned on him that he was doomed.

"Now, isn't that better?"

Celestia rubbed the side of her head against the side of his head. It must have been some sort of sick mortal ritual.

"I... don't actually feel anything."

"Oh, you will."

As soon as Celestia had said that, Zaal'gor felt a warm, cloying energy starting to burn within his chest, and it soon spread throughout him. Zaal'gor renewed his struggling, but Celestia held him tighter, sealing his fate. Soon, Zaal'gor's mind was at war with itself.

You know, this isn't half bad.

This is a foolish and futile mortal trick, and you know it!

You've known naught but cold for a million millenia. Would you really forsake the warm kindness of a friend?

Warmth is something forever lost to me when I died!

But you can feel it now, right?

And sure enough, the undead warlord felt a kind of warmth that he had all but forgotten.

It feels... so nice. I feel... content.

Yes. Let it heal what has been hurt, and you can finally begin again! It's what our new friend would want! Just accept the hug from the Princess!

...Y-yes. It is what she wants. To be finally warm again.

The Princess smiled warmly as the once cold hands snaked up to return the hug and accept the hug given to him.

"See? It'll all be fine."

And so it was.

Author's Note

The proper artwork is on the way, but I wanted to get this out of the way on the night of my 21st birthday.

[FWEEEEET]

Now that I've posted this, I would like to say...

Thank you.

Thank you all for the ride that is Fimfiction, and for giving this story attention that I thought it was never going to get.

This doesn't mean that the ride is over, oh no. I'll make more chapters as more ideas hit me, and I'm thinking of making the next chapter title "Nork Thorea". :raritywink:

Until next time, my friends.