WARNING: Do not read if you have any issues/sensitivity to:

Depression

Cutting

Attempted suicide

Sex

Cheating

I have warned you.

I never thought it would happen. I’ve read about at least a million love scenarios, seen hundreds of romantic plays, and even written my own stories. But after years and years of wanting it, and admiring so many ponies from afar, I never once considered that I could actually acquire it.

When I was a foal, I liked one stallion above all others, who I had met at Celestia’s school. I didn’t even know what love was back then. All I knew was that he was flawless. He wasn’t a total nerd like me, but then again not a total jock like Big Brother was. Thinking back now, I remember that, though I didn’t find it nearly as important back then, he had a fantastic body. He wasn’t studying magic at the school, though. His dad was a Royal Guard, so he was training to be one too. I actually saw him recently…

His name… was Flash Sentry.

On Hearts and Hooves Day, when we were in 6th grade, I found out that my friend Trixie liked him too. She had sent him a note that asked which one of us she liked more. Trixie gave him the note in a class only they shared. I later found out that he had rejected not just Trixie, but me as well. Trixie became angry and pushed him, which became a fight. I was told it was just self-defense. Trixie had retained a huge concussion in the fight, and was deemed too dangerous to keep around. She was expelled. I didn’t think it was an act of self-defense.

From Middle School on I didn’t love colts, I didn’t like colts, I wouldn’t talk to colts, I wouldn’t even talk to mares if they were around colts, with the exception of my BBBFF and my dad. To shut everyone out, I read. I would read and read and study and study. All my assignments were turned in on time and my grades were perfect. I learned a spell that erased all my memories of Trixie and of Flash Sentry. The only reason I remember all that is because when Trixie came to Ponyville, so did all those memories I’d thought I’d destroyed. But once that happened, I spent less time reading and more time admiring. When I would read, it would be romance novels, some even X rated. I have the biggest collection of mare-on-mare sexual novels anywhere.

I would… “shop around,” I guess you might say with mares. Crushing on them from afar, talking to them and enjoying their presence, but never acting on my feelings. Then next week another mare catches my eye and I feel like I like them. Usually this would bounce between Rarity and Ms. Cherrilee, but occasionally I’d see somepony and start to like them more than I should. I never did anything about my crush on either of them, of course, and it made me depressed. That depression then got worse, and I made a huge mistake.

Pinkie saw I was down one night when she came to get a book on cake recipes, so she invited me to this huge party. I bumped into a mare named Vinyl Scratch there, and despite our conflicting personalities, I fell horn-over-hooves in love with her. We ended up hanging out a lot, and we seemed to get along, but it still surprised me when she asked me out. When she did, I was so shocked that I jumped her and kissed her on the spot. I couldn’t help it, I was just so happy. But it ended up being a good thing I did, because it immediately led to first base.

I wanted to go further; I was high on my natural heat and the ecstasy of the moment, but she said she got the feeling that if she took my virginity away now, I’d regret it forever. We dated for five months, but we only went on one date. I’d see her after her shows, but they weren’t dates. On the day that marked 5 months with her, I went over to her house. I wanted to spend the day with my beautiful marefriend. I approached her home, and the door was unlocked. As soon as I opened it, I could hear loud moaning coming from what I knew was her bedroom. I thought she must have been masturbating and that I was going to surprise her by walking in and that it’d turn into sex, just like 90% of all the clopfics I’ve ever read.

But you can’t trust what you read.

I walked into her bedroom, and she’s on her bed, riding some colt I didn’t even recognize, her pussy stuffed full of his cock. It was obvious neither of them heard me approach, and Vinyl had her eyes closed so she hadn’t seen me. Obviously the colt hadn’t seen me either or he would have stopped, or at least notified Vinyl of my presence. I was speechless; no words could describe my feelings at the time.

For a few minutes, all I could do was watch. My mind had been completely shattered. My muzzle wasn’t even open, I was just staring. Then I heard the most horrible words I could have ever heard in that situation: The colt started to shout “I’m cumming!” over and over and over, and I could only watch as my marefriend was filled up with his sticky white cum, which was spilling out of her and onto her bed.

It was then that the tears came, and oh did they come rapidly. My marefriend was cheating on me with some cheap whore. My tears stung my eyes, then quickly fogged my vision and blinded me. “You… You’re cheating on me! With a whore!” I had shouted. “No! I… I was in heat, and I needed… I needed sex…” Her voice trailed off. She knew there was no excuse for her behavior.

“Fuck you! From the moment we got together, you knew I’d love to give you everything! I loved you, and trusted you, and you do this to me?! I bet you don’t even know what today is, you bitch!” The stallion I didn’t recognize at this point slid out from under Vinyl and immediately took his leave. Vinyl got up and walked to me, though I didn’t realize any of that until she wiped the tears from my eyes. I had been betrayed, my soul felt like an empty oblivion.

“Twiley…?” She whispered. “I’m sorry…”

Even if Starswirl the Bearded himself conjured a truth potion and gave it to her and she still said the same thing, I’d have not believed her. Part of me even now doesn’t believe her. “No… No! You bitch! Today marked 5 months of us being together! That means that by now we should have trust. Not just trusting that we’re telling each other the truth, but sexual trust as well. I should have been able to trust you weren’t cheating on me with anypony else! And more importantly I should’ve been able to trust that you weren’t whoring yourself around, fucking anypony who came by! I-I loved you! Y-you were m-my e-e-everything…”

Tears rained down again, but this time it was like a clearing rain. I slapped her as hard as I could and then ran. I heard calls of my name, but I didn’t stop until I was back in my own home. As I ran, unbeknownst to me, I had passed Fluttershy who had called out to me, but I hadn't heard. Nothing mattered to me. Spike saw I was upset but I shut him out. I ended up sending him to live with Fluttershy; I had no intentions of talking to anypony ever again.

Within a week, my depression had reached its peak. I’d heard of many forms of dealing with depression, but one I was always curious about started to call to me the most. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen, one that was kind of dull but sharp enough to do damage. I smiled at the knife; I knew it would do its job well. I laid down on the floor and started to drag the knife against my stomach: Sure enough, it opened a wound and soon blood was flowing slowly but surely out of my body. Ever since I started dating Vinyl, I’d started getting creative with my masturbating just in case we ever got into any freaky stuff, but none of what I’d done ever came close to the arousal that came with that knife. I drag the knife against me again, and this time a small moan escaped my muzzle.

“Yes…” I moaned, cutting again and again into myself. Cutting became a regular activity and soon it was so arousing I could reach three or four orgasms in a day. 10 days after the break up, I got my worst hit of depression yet. I had a huge longing to get back together with Vinyl, and in my hazy depressed state I started to carve the words “Vinyl Scratch” on my body. Luckily, I didn’t make it past the “n” before my first orgasm. That orgasm woke me up from my horrible dream-like state that was my depression. I was horrified; I’d never gone that far before. I swore off cutting forever, and through sheer willpower I was able to pull myself out of my depression.

Well, not completely. As completely outrageous as it sounds, I was still looking for love. I would get depressed on and off about it, but it wasn’t a huge deal until just recently when it became the biggest deal in my life. I was almost literally throwing myself at everyone, until one night...

I had just finished dinner, so I decided to take a walk. I was out for about an hour when I saw her: Fluttershy was against a wall, crying. I’d approached her and using all of the courage I could muster, I talked to her. I always thought Fluttershy was cute, but I never really considered whether or not I had a crush on her, or that she would have a crush on me. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Fluttershy told me about how Angel had died this weekend, and that she didn’t even realize it for a whole day. I started to try and comfort her, but soon she got upset and left. She had said that she didn’t want me to get even more depressed because of her. I tried to call her back, but she was already gone.

From that point on, all I could think about was her. Her and nopony else. To say that I liked her was a complete lie. To say that I loved her was also not entirely true. It was a fierce, primal desire. Not lustful, at least not totally lustful. Just primal. Only she mattered to me. I forgot about my previous crushes; nothing else compared to this. Just the thought of her sent such a pure warmth through my body. Fluttershy was my soul mate.

For the next week, all that I thought of was her 24/7, day and night. I prayed to my dear friend Princess Luna every night, and every night she blessed me with dreams of Fluttershy. Some were cute and endearing, some not so much, but every single one worth remembering. When I would see Fluttershy around town, I’d look away from her and a hot blush would color my cheeks red. Even when I would study, she would invade my mind. Soon I couldn’t study at all. I don’t even know how I managed to fix Starswirl’s spell while in this state, but I did. Then I became princess.

At first, I was overjoyed. Of course I was. My brother was a Prince, now I was a Princess. But then I realized: I would outlive all of my friends. Even Fluttershy. At first I mourned for what would one day be a reality, but then I realized if I was to outlive all my friends, including my most beloved friend, then I must spend every day with her. I would go over to her house almost every day. I learned to care for animals just as she did. When she would get alone or depressed, I’d be there for her. Soon it was obvious to everypony how much I cared for her and loved her. My other friends would confront me about it many times, asking when I’d ask her out, but I always said I was just waiting for the right time.

It wasn’t a lie either, I just didn’t feel like I needed to ask her out yet. Fluttershy obviously cared about me and I didn’t have any real reason to ask her to be my marefriend. I wasn’t even sure she was a filly fooler. Well, that is, until one day…

I went over to her house. Fluttershy had invited me over for lunch. It was no surprise, as this had become a normal occurrence over the past 3 months we had become so much closer. I knocked on the door but I got no reply. Instead, the door slowly creaked open. Immediately I could sense something was wrong.

...Where was Fluttershy?

Author's Note

Well that's it for now. I promise the next chapter will come out fairly soon. Hopefully, assuming I survive until the weekend. Sorry about the terrible cliffhanger, I just desperately needed to post something new. So for now... Enjoy, and don't forget to give me feedback!