Seriously, I Mean it... Don't Read This...
Hollywood, California. The home of the rich and famous, a land where dreams are either made, or horribly shattered, where the difference between becoming famous and being found dead in a garbage bin with a needle in your arm is whether or not you look in the right direction. In this place there are many who come, all wanting to reach the panicle of stardom, only some will succeed, among those few even fewer will become icons, and among those icons there is one that stands above all others, the one known as ‘The Cage’.
On a street where mansions are the norm there is one that stands above all others, the envy of all those who see it, and the pride of the one who resides inside. This is where our story begins, for on this day Nicolas Cage is about to have a close encounter of the alicorn kind.
“Huh… looks like DiCaprio keeps getting better reviews then me…” Nic Cage said looking over his fellow actor’s IMDb page before leaning back in his diamond/platinum lounge chair, “at least I’ve actually got an Oscar.”
Nic Cage then rose from his chair, hungry for some chocolate cake, especially after the chicken he ate for lunch, because it gave him indigestion. He walked across the golden floors of his home, all studded with the finest cut gemstones that any mortal had ever laid their eyes on. In fact the men who actually cut the gems died after they had finished, for they were too perfect for their eyes, but for Nic Cage, they rated a mere ‘meh’. He continued his path to the kitchen, walking down a hallway whose walls were graced by images of ‘The Cage’ himself. All of them where photos from his greatest works of art, like Leaving Las Vegas, Adaptation, The Vampire’s Kiss, Face Off, The Family Man, both National Treasures and Ghost Riders, and arguably his best performance to date The Wicker Man.
His stroll continued until he heard a loud, reverberating echo bellow through his humble home. “What could that be?” Nic Cage asked himself, looking to the area the sound originated, “my groupies don’t normally try to break into my abode this late in the day…”
Deciding to end his quest for cake momentarily he started making his way to the origin of the noise using his ‘Cage Hearing’ to pinpoint its exact location. Several minutes had passed and finally ‘The Cage’ had found the origin of the strange echo, his front door. He stared at the door for a good thirty seconds, hoping to activate his ‘Cage Vision’ to see what was on the other side, unfortunately his ‘Cage Powers’ were temporarily drained because of his use of ‘Cage Hearing’.
“I guess there’s only one way to find out who’s behind the door…” Nic said to himself, placing his fists on his hips, “I’ve gotta open that door.”
The task Cage had to achieve was far easier said than done, for his door was so massive that it usually took twenty eight butlers, a midget and his personal karate monkey, Jackie Chan V-too, to open it. Unfortunately all of his butlers and the midget had to take several days off because they were all blinded by the sheer sight of Nic sparring with his monkey wearing nothing but Aquaman underwear and a towel as a cape, and Jackie Chan V-too was in Nic’s personal infirmary, due him to not being able to keep up with Nic’s own specially developed martial art: Nic-Cage -do. The task now rested totally on the cage himself to open the door and he was more than ready to accomplish his goal.
Getting to his knees, Nic forced himself to go into a ‘Cage Trance’, the only way he could tap into his inner force and regain enough ‘Cage Power’ to open the door. He sat there for a minute, completely focused on the task at hand, until he herd the knock once more. Nic opened his eyes, now shining brightly like the light in the darkness he already was, his hair went from brown and thinning to full and a dazzling white, Nic Cage had become the ‘Super Cage’, once thought to be a mere myth, but now a starch reality.
Floating over to the door only as Nic Cage could, he stopped at the two and nine sixteenths ton door knob (as to his specifications of course) and looked at it. suddenly the door opened on its own, knowing that even though it was made of the finest metals and gems it was not worthy for a being such as the ‘Super Cage’ to touch. Before the door completely opened Nic Cage went back to his original form, knowing that if any mortal saw him as such they would die because of seeing such perfection.
He expected to see droves of mindless fans, or a wave of flash photography, but instead he saw something very different. He saw two creatures that seemed very out of place, two ponies, one almost as tall as him and pure white with a celestial mane, the other far shorter and a rather dark shade of blue, its mane the same color as the night sky, complete with stars!
“Please don’t close the door on us, sir,” the tall one said, “I am Princess Celestia of Equestria, and this is my little sister, Princess Luna. We are alicorns and co-rulers of a great land.”
“Charmed,” Luna replied, giving a nod to him in acknowledgement.
“Hello your majesties,” Nic replied with his own nod, somehow developing a southern accent, “do you want to come inside?”
Princess Celestia jumped back in shock. “Y-you actually want us to come in?”
“Why would I say no?”
“Well, quite frankly everyone else we’ve meet has either screamed at the top of their lungs and ran away or shot at us,” Princess Celestia replied, “one of them even tried to throw a net over us to put us in his personal zoo.”
“That was probably Matthew McConaughey, he has a nasty habit of trying to catch things he doesn’t understand,” Nic explained, “anyway what are two ladies like you doing in a place like this?”
“If anything it was a spell that my star pupil used even though I specifically told her not to use it…” Celestia sighed, lowering her head, “she does this every week…”
“You could probably stand to not show her everything just yet sister…” Luna said rolling her eyes, “at least wait until she’s matured enough to know not to use them.”
“So magic, huh?” Nic said rubbing his chin, “I’ve seen that before, the two of you are free to stay here for the evening if you like.”
“T-that’s actually what we were about to ask…” Celestia stuttered, “are you sure you don’t mind?”
“Positive,” Nic replied with a smile, “as the Prussians say ‘me casa esu casa’.”
“That’s very kind of you Mr.…” Celestia said before shaking her head, “I’m sorry I don’t know your name.”
“It’s Cage… Nicolas Cage.”
Those for simple words caused both princesses to shutter in their skin, but the managed to contain themselves as they entered the house of Cage. Both were blown back by its awe inspiring interior, for not even the castle in Canterlot was so grand. Nic Cage simply smiled as he walked behind them. Placing his hand on their shoulders.
“Pretty cool huh?” he asked patting the two.
“Such splendor, such grace…” Celestia uttered.
“Such a place is fit for a king… no a GOD…” Luna added.
“I thought so too,” Nic shrugged, walking past the two, completely forgetting about why he got up in the first place, “you have the place to yourself this evening, I’ll be in my study looking at one of my fan’s websites… Alexstrazsa I believe their name was…”
With that, Nic Cage left the princess to their own devices and returned to his study, where he did exactly what he said he would; look at one of the many millions, if not billions of fan sites dedicated to him. He didn’t have to go to these sites, but he felt compelled to do so, for he was Nic Cage, and Nic Cage deserves as much praise as the world can give and then some. Several hours later his indigestion started to act up once more and he decided that this time he wouldn’t be distracted my talking pastel horses with magical, semitransparent manes that needed a place to stay for the evening.
He rose from his diamond incrusted platinum lounge chair once more and began to make his way to the kitchen as he had done so hours ago, but this time there were no distractions and me found himself in the kitchen in a matter of minutes. Now with nothing between him and the refrigerator, Nic casually walked over and opened its door. A smile graced his face, knowing that within a few minutes that a delicious slice of cake, but that same smile would soon fade into a look of utter despair. The cake that Nic had so lovely saved from the inflatable tube man party at John Travolta’s house was now gone, the empty space next to the bacon grease and artichokes being the only evidence of its former existence.
Amidst his anguish Nic began to ponder the whereabouts of the cake and how to capture the one responsible for such a travesty. He thought back all the way to the party itself, when he accidently spilled strawberry milk on Tom Cruise’s priceless toenail collection, but Tom was a Scientologist, meaning he didn’t believe in chocolate cake because it would interfere with his thetan levels. He then thought ahead to when he got home, where he slapped Jackie Chan V-too for trying to take a piece of the cake, but Jackie Chan V-too was a monkey, and monkeys aren’t allowed in the kitchen. Finally he thought back to just a few hours ago, when he welcomed the two colorful creatures into his home and then it hit him.
“Celestia? Luna?” he called, still staring into the fridge, “You two around?”
“Yes Mr. Cage, we’re right here,” Celestia said back, sitting at the table, “what do you need?”
“Hey where’s my chocolate cake?” he asked, not bothering to look at them.
“Oh you mean this this chocolate cake?” Luna asked pointing to the piece the two alicorns were sharing.
Nic Cage spun around with a look of both betrayal and rage in his eyes. “That’s my piece…” he said, his eyes twitching slightly, “I was saving it because I got nauseated from some undercooked mall rotisserie chicken.”
The two stared at Nic for a few seconds before simultaneously sticking their forks into the cake and taking another bite. “But it’s so delicious…” Celestia said licking the fork free of icing.
“Give me the cake.” Nic huffed, crossing his arms.
“Do you want this cake?” Luna asked with a teasing smile.
“I want it…” Nic replied, using his trademarked ‘Cage Pout’.
“We can’t it’s too important to us.” Celestia said taking another bite in a taunting fashion.
“I WANT THAT CAKE!” Nic roared, rushing towards the two, but before he could reach them a flash of light enveloped them both.
Nic was undeterred though, charging valiantly into the fray as only Nic Cage could; screaming at the top of his lungs and throwing his extremities around like a madman. He bravely tripped into the ball of light, where the two alicorn’s lips graced the starting point of his glorious receding hairline, before the light completely vanished leaving an empty kitchen and a half eaten slice of chocolate cake on the table. Moments later, Nic Cage opened his eyes to see that he was in a completely different world. The colors were brighter, the sky was clearer and everyone who surrounded him was a pony.
“Okay… everyone’s a horse…” Nic said looking around, “that’s cool… I guess.”
“What is THAT?!” A white unicorn shouted before fainting at the glorious sight that was ‘The Cage’.
“I’m Nicolas Cage.” He replied, striking a heroic pose, nearly causing everyone around him to start rutting. “I’m here for my cake.”
“We left it on the table…” Luna said, “We’re terribly sorry we took advantage of your hospitality like that, but it’s been so long since we’ve had fun and cake at the same time.”
“It’s alright I understand,” Nic said nodding his head, “I didn’t really even need the cake.”
Nic started to walk away from the crowd, but he remembered that while being teleported to this new magical land the two alicorns accidently kissed him. Stopping dead in his tracks her turned around and gave the ponies a very large, incredibly creepy smile. He walked back to Celestia and Luna with an extra kick in his step before stopping right in front of the two and pointing.
“You two,” he said with the same unsettling grin, “You two kissed me.”
A slight dash of red and a small tint of purple graced the two alicorns respective faces. They had hopped he hadn’t noticed that but unfortunately that didn’t seem to be the case.
“We’re very sorry about that Mr. Cage…” Celestia began.
“We didn’t mean to do that, it was all an accident, after you got sucked back here with us we-“
“Doesn’t matter I’m one of you now!” Nic said happily, striking a manly pose.
“What?” the two sisters said in unison.
“I’m one of you!” he repeated, pointing to the two again, “I’m a… what did you call yourselves?”
“Alicorns…” Celestia answered, cocking an eyebrow as high as she could.
“Yup that’s me!” Nic said before bolting down the road, “I’M AN ALICORN! I’M AN ALICORN! I’M AN ALICORN!” he screamed at the top of his lungs every few seconds.
“We need to stop him…” Celestia said to Luna as the two stood there in shock.
“Can’t Twilight take care of this one?” Luna halfway begged.
“She’s busy with Winter Wrap up. Besides, we brought him into this world…” Celestia said as the wind picked up behind her, “Now we need to send him back to his.”
“Very well then…” Luna said lowering her head in defeat, “shall we begin?”
Hours later, with the help of the entire town of Ponyville, Nic Cage was contained, but not before he killed some random bear and started wearing its skin. He even managed to punch the mayor square in the face before a pony that lived on a farm lassoed him up. He struggled in his binds, but he found it impossible to break free of activate his ‘Super Cage’ form. Celestia and Luna looked down to him, shaking their heads in frustration and disappointment.
“Let go of me you bastards!” he roared, “Killing me won’t wrap up your God damned winter!”
“We know…” Celestia sighed, “We’re just trying to get you home.”
“Bring forth the Breezies!” Luna called, summoning a frightened looking pegasus to the forefront, carrying a cage full of small, Nordic sounding creatures.
“No, no, NO!” Nic screamed, “NOT THE BREEZIES! NO!”
The scared looking pony put the cage over his head, forcing the Breezies to fly around in circles. Nic began to struggle more furiously, but there were just too many ponies holding him down.
“OH GOD!” he wailed, “THEY’RE IN MY EYES!”
“Ve are not in yer eyes…” one of them claimed, “Ve are trving to get you back home using our Breezie magics.”
“I don’t wanna GO!” he pleaded, “I’m an ALICORN!”
A sudden flash of light filled his eyes, blinding him just long enough for him to realize when he opened them he was back home. He instantly reached for his forehead, hoping the horn he thought was there earlier hadn’t disappeared, but alas there was no horn to speak of. He ran to the vanity mirror opposite the fridge in an attempt to see the wings he believed he had, but just as with the horn, there was nothing there. His heart shattered, Nic fell to his knees and wallowed in his sorrow.
“BA-HOO!” he wailed, “BA-HOO!”
He sat there for hours, wailing and grinding his teeth, knowing that not even his ‘Super Cage’ ability could reopen the portal so he could become an alicorn once more. With all his dreams shattered he looked to his kitchen table hoping to find some solace in the fact that the incrediably rare African Gum Tree wood was still there, but upon gazing to his table he saw the one thing that could ease such a troubled mind.
“There’s my cake…” he said casually nodding his head.
Nic Cage then rose to his feet, walked over to his kitchen dawer, grabbed a fork, and ate what remained of the chocolate cake. And all was just in the world…
THE END
Author's Note
Don't do drugs kids...
