Denial at its finest

by Pickleless

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Random, Violence, Death, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Sex
Length: 1272

Twilight wakes up and sees a boner under the covers. She refuses to lift the sheets.

After taking a bit of the ol' sauce to ease the stress of her studies, Twilight wakes up with a massive hangover.
And a boner.
She refuses to lift the sheets.

Published 2014-04-02 16:30:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-02 16:30:04 UTC

If I ignore it long enough.

Twilight’s head hurt far more than she could imagine. With a hangover this bad, she knew what to expect. Groaning, she opened her eyes and looked to the left. Nopony on that side, turning right, she saw no one next to her there either. With relief that she dodged that bullet, she tried to raise her head.

Only to find something standing tall and proud under the covers between her legs.

Oh hell no.

Of course, the only logical conclusion was to ignore as long as...ponybly? Ponybly possible? Whatever. As long as ponily possible. She was now painfully aware of her blanket rubbing against her...Mare Penis. Badonkadonk, wait, that’s a butt. Shit. The flesh rod of forbidden pleasure. The heat seeking missile of love. The fuck-stick. That thing stallions have that she was never getting any of because despite being the most powerful magic user and a alicorn, she wasn’t very desirable apparently. And there goes her self confidence. Five minutes and today is already turning out to be awesome. Whatever attached itself between her legs would have to wait because it feels like 6:00 AM and Twilight refuses to deal with this shit till at least 9.

“Uhhh, Twilight, what’s that sticking out from under the blanket?”

Fuck. Dammit.

“Spike.” Twilight moaned apathetically. “Just...no. Not until, just. Ugh. Just...go back to sleep.”

“But-”

“No.”

“But what if-”

“SPIKE. Not now.”

“Maybe I should inform Princess Celestia-”

“NO!!! Just...Go make me some coffee…” Twilight moaned, giving up.

As she stared at the offending appendage she started to question reality. Remembering you can’t feel pain in dreams, she smashed her magic missile with her right hoof. Meanwhile, Spike spilled coffee all over his genitals as he heard Twilight scream. Quickly, he rushed out the door to most capable, beautiful pony he knew.

“Twilight Darling, it’s alright, just lift the cover-”

“No.”

“Really Sweetheart, it’ll be fine just let me-”

“Rarity, back off.”

“Twilight, you can’t simply sit in bed all day and ignore it.”

Twilight glared at Rarity for a good half minute. Suddenly, Twilight’s bed disappeared in a purple flash. Outside, Twilight and her bed crashed onto the grass.

“Twilight!!!” Rarity screamed through the window.

Ignoring her friend, Twilight proceeded to teleport her way to the marketplace. Twilight decided, she was in the mood for apples. Halfway over to Applejack’s stand, Pinkie Pie pulled herself out from under her covers.

“Heya Twilight! Watcha doing?!?”

“Ignoring my penis.”

“Okie dokie lokie!”

Applejack stared in mild concern at Twilight, with a large erection; and Pinkie, working on a “Congratulations on growing a giant penis!” banner. Twilight’s eyes were bloodshot and her mane made Applejack’s bedhead look tidy. With a very mismatching, gentle smile on her face, Twilight greeted Applejack.

“Morning Applejack! Those apples sure look delicious!”

“Uhhh, Sugarcube? You feelin alright?”

“I feel fantastic!” Twilight said, absentmindedly flicking her dong with her hoof from over the covers.”

Applejack stared at the unusual bulge from under her blanket for about a good five seconds before looking Twilight in the eyes.

“Sugarcube, you’re not behind on one of your lessons again are you?”

“Oh Applejack, of course not! I just thought I’d have ‘Breakfast in Bed!’”

Pinkie Pie broke out in laughter.

“Riiiiight. So uh, what’s with the whole...um, you know.”

“The what?”

“The uh… The… Well, the…”

“I’m sorry, could you speak up?”

“The...the bulge?”

“What bulge?” Twilight asked, now flat out stroking her dick from under the covers.

“CONSARNIT TWILIGHT THERE ARE CHILDREN AROUND!” Applejack yelled.

“Geez Applejack, what’s got you so riled up?”

“You’re stroking y-your…”

“Shhhhhshhhshhshh….” Twilight said, putting a apple to her lips through her magic. Quietly, she levitated three bits from…

…

SON OF A-”

Twilight teleported away… and then back, this time, with a heavily focused Pinkie on the banner, now with cute little purple dicks with wings on the side. And Rarity, freaking out. More importantly to Twilight, she brought the wallet she left in her room. Pulling out three bits, she levitated them over to Applejack and took two apples. Now slapping her dick around, Twilight quietly ate her apples.

“Well.” Twilight said, finishing her first apple. “What now?”

“CUPCAKES!” Pinkie screamed.

“Okay!” Twilight responded with gusto, teleporting to Sugarcube corner.

Upon entering Twilight’s bed landed uneven. Hearing a scream from under it.

“Did I hit anyone important?!?”

“Omigosh, you crushed Rainbow Dash!!!” Scootaloo screamed.

“No one important, thank Celestia.” Twilight breathed a sigh of relief.

Now sliding the bed over with magic, far less stylish, but much less taxing, she stopped in front of the encounter. Somehow, Pinkie was behind it, and next to her. Twilight didn’t really care at the moment.

“Pinkie! One batch of cupcakes please!”

“Coming right up, Twilight!”

In no time at all. Literally. As in, right after she finished talking, Pinkie pulled out a batch of cupcakes. The frosting on them spelled out ‘YOU HAVE A PENIS!’

“Huh, that’s a weird thing for them to say.” Twilight noted, taking them and paying Pinkie. As she slid back towards the door, she noticed how easily, and quietly, the bed slid. Looking down, she ‘ahhh’d’ in understanding upon seeing Rainbow Dash’s blood lubricating her way. Sadly, the bed could not fit through the front door. That did not stop Twilight from busting through. Standing outside, were all five of her friends. Twilight quietly noted to herself that she has only really had five friends all her life, and really should get more.

“Twilight, darling, you have a problem.” Rarity stated.

Twilight considered her options. Rainbow Dash was magically back alive. Pinkie Pie was on her bed, humming contently, behind the counter, and standing in front of her upset. Applejack was holding a rope in a far more suggestive manner than probably ever intended. Somehow Rarity got off the bed, cleaned herself, and came back in time to meet up. Twilight didn’t know why Fluttershy was there.

What the hell happened to Spike?

Suddenly, everything was wrong, Twilight stared ahead in horror as she realized.

She has forgotten to make a list for the day.

Ramming into Rainbow Dash and running her over, Twilight slid back to her magical strange tree house thing as fast as she could. Ignoring the pounding from the magical barrier she constructed outside her home, she began to write.

Ignore Penis.

Check.

Eat breakfast.

Check.

Get Cupcakes.

Check.

Find Spike

Twilight crossed that one off the list.

Go sledding in bed.

Uncheck.

Re-enact Little Nemo

Uncheck.

Get out of bed.

Twilight sighed. After taking a good long look at herself in mirror, guilt began to set in. What was she doing? This town already has enough insanity without her contributing to it. She needed apologize to her friends.

“Pinkie, I’m sorry.”

“You’re fine!”

Done.

“COME ON EVERYPONY SMILE~SMILE~SMILE~!”

Twilight proceeded to sled down the grassy slope, aiming for all the little screaming fillies and colts as their parents either tried to grab their children, or attack Twilight.

“FILL MY HEART UP WITH SUNSHINE~SUNSHINE!!!”

Celestia flew into ponyville after repeated letters from Spike. Usually she can ignore the first three. But after the fourth that generally means something's actually wrong. She began to look around for any signs of trouble. Suddenly, a burning bed came flying past her with all the bearers of harmony riding it. Or rather, Twilight and Pinkie were riding on top, and the rest were grabbed onto the edges trying to not get thrown off.

“TWILIGHT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!!!”

“I REFUSE TO ADMIT I’VE GROWN A GIANT. THROBBING. GIRL PENIS!!!”

Quietly Celestia sighed.

Typical Tuesday.