Fluttershy vs. the Self-Defense Course

by starcross7

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 8781

Sometime after the Royal Wedding, Fluttershy decides to take a self-defense course...

Feeling ashamed for not assisting her friends during the changeling fight, Fluttershy decides to take a self-defense course…

Cover image art by KennyKlent, which is based on MysteryBen27's Rhythm is Magic.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-11 05:31:49 UTC

The Setup

The Setup

It was a relief to return home after the wedding so she could be smothered by the warm embrace of her small animal friends.  Lately, however, she had not been her usual quiet self.

Fluttershy's friends always had positive things to say about her, sprinkled with a bit of criticism here and there.  Nonetheless, whatever they had to say to her was always in her best interest.  Yet, she could not escape her own self-criticism that during her fight against the changelings, she did very little.  Pathetically little.  She lifted no hoof to throw a punch or a kick, and by sheer luck her hiding and fleeing caused many changelings to run into each other or mistakenly fight one another.  Her friends did complement that her shyness (cowardice) allowed them to distinguish from the real Fluttershy and the many fakes.

Yet the shame continued to haunt her.  The animals were the first to notice, and it was hard not to due to her constant sighing around the cottage.  Fluttershy sighed at breakfast.  She sighed at lunch.  She sighed at dinner.  She even sighed during her sleep.  Angel, being the pushy bunny that he was, began to feel bad to bully his pony owner to fetch him the best carrots sold by Carrot Top every morning.

Today was another spa date with Rarity, and she was late.  She barely acknowledged her unicorn friend and stared out to space as she relaxed in the aromatic mineral tub they always liked to bathe in.

"Something on your mind?" the unicorn asked.

"It's nothing important," sighed the pegasus.

"Please, tell me.  I'm your friend.  I'll listen."

"You know, back at the wedding…"

"Uh-huh."

"I wasn't much use when we fought the Changelings."

"Of course you were useful!  You, um, were able to, er, accidentally trip a whole row of them in one fell swoop!  I meant to say that you deliberately tripped them.  Yes, that's it."

"Oh, Rarity.  I'm just a weak and pathetic pegasus.  I wish I could do half the things you do."

"Darling, if you put your mind to it, I'm willing to bet that you could even surpass me in dressmaking.  That is not something I like to admit out in the open."

"No, I don't mean that.  I just wish that I can fight as well as you do."

"Fight?"

"I know you're not as strong as Applejack and Rainbow Dash, but you took out waves and waves of changelings.  You're brave against dragons, and you even kicked a manticore on the day we first met Twilight."

"Oh, that.  You know darling, I wasn't always the tough lady I am today. When you have stallions chasing beautiful ol' me every which way, you're bound to run into a crazed stalker or two.  I couldn't risk me and my sister being put in danger.  So a couple of years back, I took a self-defense course."

"How did it work out?"

"I quite enjoyed it.  Plus it allowed me maintain my weight, although I somehow found myself participating in several tournaments after I earned a 1st degree black belt.  I haven't practiced ever since, so my skills may be a little rusty.  I know!  Why don't you take a self-defense class at the Ponyville Community Center this Saturday?  I'm taking my sister over, because apparently she and her friends want to get their Cutie Marks in, if you pardon my language, 'Kicking Serious Flank'.  I can help you practice, and after half a day session of hard training and sweating, we'll relax back here at the spa."

"Oh, I don't know.  I might be busy."

"Fluttershy, I know your schedule like I know the back of my manicured hoof.  You're probably going to end up grooming Angel again.  I'm right, am I?"

"Well, yes."

"Then we'll just get Spike to watch over him and the rest of the animals.  The wittle darling dragon wuvs to look after cute cwitters."

The First Lesson

The First Lesson

"Dumb critters," Spike grumbled as rats, cats, and goats circled around him while one sadistic white rabbit repeatedly whacked the top of his crested head with a large spoon.  To say that Fluttershy's cottage was a zoo would be an understatement, but animals running about the house with nigh-unlimited freedom were normal for Ponyville's standards.

"What was that Spike?" Rarity asked.  "I hope you reviewed Fluttershy's checklist twice.  We all expect you to do a great job looking after her animals."

"Anything for you, Rarity!" the baby dragon perked.  "I mean, Fluttershy."

"You think he will be all right?" asked Fluttershy as she and Rarity walked through the door.  "He didn't do too well last time we left Angel under his care."

"Oh, he's just learning," said Rarity.  "I'm sure the second time will be charming."

Right when they closed the door behind them, the two mares heard something shatter and another thing exploding.  A cat screeched, while a goat bleated.

"He's gotten it all taken care of," Rarity winced.

Fluttershy did not have the present assertiveness to let Rarity know that she was neither ignorant nor stupidly naive.  Her mind still worried over the fate of her animals since they were unable to take care of themselves.  But it wasn't like they were so helpless that they wouldn't be able to feed or shelter themselves.  Fluttershy was one of the few mares highly paid by the government to make sure that the animals won't get any radical ideas and rebel against their equine masters, unlike their feral or wild Everfree Forest counterparts.  And the government would not send any domesticated critter back to the forest lest they incur the wrath of PETA (Ponies for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).

What would have been a delightful trot into town riddled Fluttershy with butterflies in her stomach.  Every step to the Ponyville Community Center felt like forever.  She began to have fanciful fears that their instructor was a battle-scarred stallion with an eye patch and a dirty mouth, both figuratively and literally.  She began to have visions of facing excruciating strength tests, like holding a bucket of hot coal overhead while balancing on one hoof on a tightrope over a lava pool nestled between sharp spikes.  Then after that, there would be mortal combat and a never-ending tournament.  She really did not want to fight anypony to the death, let alone her friends.

"Darling, what's wrong?"

"I'm scared."

"Oh, don't be.  The instructor is a nice mare."

"She's a mare?  Oh, I'm still scared.  What if she wants to throw me off a cliff for being too weak?  Or kick me into a bottomless pit?"

"Relax Fluttershy. Those things only happen in the movies.  Or television shows.  Or in Canterlot.  The point is that nothing terrible is going to happen because I'll be here by your side.  Now if you will please, put on this gi I made for this occasion."

"Okay."

In the Community Center locker room, Fluttershy slipped into a pink or magenta outfit complete with a white belt, the obvious sign of a student's novice level.  It did make her feel a little better that Rarity would be training with her, and the fact that not only she made and given her a functional gi, it was also made with the finest silk.  Rarity's uniform was a shade of cerulean blue decorated with a subtle pattern of Asiatic cranes on her back that were surrounded by blue diamonds that were similar to that of her Cutie Mark.

Once out of the locker room, Fluttershy and Rarity stepped out into the main gymnasium.  It was divided in sections, and there were at least from Fluttershy's point of view two other classes being held simultaneously, such as a volleyball and indoor soccer.  There were no barriers to speak of between the sections.  All there was carefully placed baskets and boxes as well as duct tape.

In the self-defense course section, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle, ran around and tumbled on the thoroughly patched mats as they playfully practiced all the possible fighting moves they believed their instructor would be teaching them.  Both wore the standard white gi except for Sweetie Belle, who, for the obvious reason of being Rarity's sister, was dressed in a shimmering mauve color.  Of the three fillies, only Apple Bloom had a yellow belt, indicating that after her brief stint with Rainbow Dash in her search for her Cutie Mark she continued her martial arts training.

Fluttershy was surprised to see Twilight here as well, but she was laying down reading a book written by Iron Will himself, titled The Egghead's Guide to Kicking Serious Flank.  She was also surprised to see Applejack here, but she wasn't dressed for the occasion.

"Well, howdy," said the farm pony.  "I reckon that after the changeling invasion, you've been bitten with the fightin' bug too.  It's all the rage all over Equestria."

"Are you here for practice as well?" Fluttershy asked.

"Nah.  I'm too busy with the farm.  Gotta make up for the lost work when we stayed over at Canterlot."

"Ah, come on sis!" Apple Bloom pleaded.  "Can't you at least stay for a bit?"

"I'm sorry Apple Bloom, but there has to be a pony at the farm today.  I don't mean to put any guilt trip on you, but I'll be doing your share of the work.  Don't worry y'all; just have some fun with the instructor today.  I hear she's a real hoot."

"Maybe Applejack doesn't need any training," said Sweetie Belle.  "She can already kick hard enough as it is."

"Oh, I ain't sure about that."

A soccer ball rolled into the section, and a few colts were hesitant to run over to retrieve it.  In a kind gesture, Applejack kicked the ball with her hind leg, sending it flying far off to volleyball courts, which then knocked a flying volleyball from midair.  The soccer ball then bounced off the wall and then into one of the soccer goals.

"I was able to pulverize that volleyball like last time and tear through the net," said Applejack.  "That just means I have to get my legs back to shape after a good one hundred apple buckings.  Have fun y'all!  I promise I'll attend when I have time."

Applejack tipped her hat and left through one of the exits of the gymnasium.  Dear Celestia, was she really that strong?  She didn't appear to be anypony who needed martial arts training, and yet she was rusty?

What kind of friends was Fluttershy hanging out with the entire time?

The first sign that the session was about to start was the muffled radio blaring the same song that opened up Iron Will's assertiveness seminar in the hedge maze.  Ominous smoke billowed out from a door that connected to the main building where the Community Center housed traditional classroom sessions.

Not again.  It this instructor going to be like Iron Will?  Is it Iron Will?  Or Iron Will's sister?  Wife?  Iron Will in drag?  If the self-defense course was anything like his seminars, Fluttershy feared that she might not only end up as an assertive monster, she'd end up as a cold-hearted martial artist traveling from dojo to dojo to beat up the best fighters and steal their front signs or cupcakes upon their humiliating defeat.  Then a nuclear war would occur, and she would end up hooking up with a massive, elephant-sized black stallion to travel the land to rule the battered ruins of Equestria as the Hoof Queen.

Oh dear.  She got her fears and TV shows mixed up again.  Now that she realized it, she had watched a lot of martial arts movies and TV shows with Rainbow Dash, especially during their school days.

Speaking of the rainbow-hued devil, the doors finally burst open, and out stepped from all the smoke was Rainbow Dash.  After some anticlimactic coughing and gagging, she quickly closed the doors.

"Sorry," said Rainbow Dash.  "Mrs. Cake's class was cooking up some wicked muffin, and I could not pass up a bite.  Best.  Muffin.  Ever.  Looks like we have a small class today.  Wouldn't blame the others for not coming because of what happened last time, but that's cool.  This way, I'll have more time to focus on your individual techniques."

"Rainbow Dash?" cried Fluttershy.  "You're the instructor?"

"Didn't I tell you that before?"

Fluttershy shook her head.

"Fluttershy, I did tell you.  I told you when those crazed stalkers followed you home during your supermodel stint."

"I don't remember."

"And what about the time after the Gala?  You know, to relieve your stress?"

"Um…"

"And what about the time after you guys hung up the Mare-Do-Well costume and crime starting spiking."

"I don't ever recall…"

"Anyway, I'm glad all of you came here," said Rainbow Dash.  "I'm Rainbow Dash.  Since we already know each other, you can call me by my name, but traditionally you may also address me as Dash-sensei.  Now, the purpose of this course is exactly what the catalog says: self-defense.  You're not learning this just to prove yourself, however I may be guilty of doing so on occasion.

"For those who are new here, you might be wondering to yourselves, 'why would I need to take this course?'  A pegasus could just fly away from danger, or a unicorn could use her magic.  But let me tell that you will run into situations when your horn's been jinxed and when your wings been hurt or bound, and the only avenue out of a dangerous situation is to fight it out hoof to hoof.  These techniques have been developed for over a thousand years by the ancient earth pony monks from the east, and they have extended their teachings not just to pegasi and unicorns, but also to all other hoofed creatures.  That is why I ask you to not use your magic and keep your wings bound during training.  Am I clear?"

"Yes, Dashie-sensei!" cried Pinkie Pie.

Somehow, yet entirely unsurprising, Pinkie Pie appeared between Fluttershy and Twilight.  She was dressed in a wicked black gi that had some ominous-looking Neighponese character painted red on her back.

"Uh, what are you doing here?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"I want to take some lessons with you!"

"Oh.  In that case, why don't you come over here and help me give these students a quick demonstration."

"Sure thing.  What are we gonna do?"

"On a count of three, we go at it, okay?  Ready?  1-2-3-SHÔRYUKEN!"

Fluttershy just blinked, and what she saw was Rainbow Dash performing a jumping uppercut so powerful that it launched Pinkie Pie through the roof, thus leaving a Pinkie-shaped hole in the ceiling.  Aside from the cheap shot, the yellow pegasus was horrified of such wanton violence.  On top of that, nopony else gave any concern.  Twilight was still buried in her book, Rarity was filing her hooves, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped in awe with sparkling eyes.

"Rainbow Dash, what did you do?" gasped Fluttershy.

"It's all right darling," said Rarity.  "Pinkie Pie will be fine when she completes her orbit around the earth."

"But, but…"

"That was so awesome Dash-sensei!" cried Scootaloo.

"Why is Pinkie not allowed to train with us?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"This was before you enrolled, Sweetie," said Rainbow Dash.  "Let's just say that things happened, and Pinkie Pie was banned from practicing in any dojo in not just in Equestria, but the entire world.  Heck, she's not even allowed to participate in illegal street brawls."

"Is it that bad?"

"Very bad."

"So to perform this 'shôryuken'," said Twilight with her eyes still on her book, "you pull forward, crouch down, crouch forward, and push on your hind leg with a flaming hoof."

"Twi, muzzles off the pages," said Rainbow Dash.  "Now we gotta start our stretches."

Fluttershy could barely do any stretches because of the short little demonstration.  There was no way she could perform that move or counter it.  She really wanted to fly away, but her wings were bound.  Dash pushed her hard in the stretches, harder than Fluttershy did to train for the recent tornado formation.  After much loud joint-snapping, the yellow pegasus was now too pooped to run away.

"Now that we're all limber," said Dash, "we gotta test our strength so I can gauge how hard I can train each of you here.  We have this machine here that will test each of your punches.  Who wants to go first?"

The fillies raised their hand excitedly while Fluttershy shrank away behind them towards the lockers, which might be her only means of escaping or hiding.  However, Rarity prominently volunteered and trotted up first.  It took a while for her to settle into a graceful stance to deliver a quick and graceful punch to the padded piston.  The punching machine readout displayed a perfect 8 out of 10.

"Still got it," Rarity beamed as her little sister clapped for her.

"Rare, I know you can do better than that, but we'll see," said Rainbow Dash.  "Twilight, you're next."

The bookworm finally lifted her muzzle out of her book, and took just as long as Rarity to get into a firm stance.  It was not because she wanted to look good, but she had to make sure that her hind legs were at a perfect width apart and that she was at an optimal distance from the punching machine.  Surprisingly, her strike was fast and hard, and she rated a 7.2 out of 10.

"Not bad," said Rainbow Dash.  "Better than most beginning unicorns I trained."

"It does help when you play fight with the future captain of the Royal Guard," winked Twilight.

Apple Bloom came in next with a score of 7.5, followed by Scootaloo at 5, and Sweetie Belle at 4.2.  Fluttershy was the last to go, and she quaked so much that she barely stood on her hind legs.

"Not to worry girl, it's just a test," said Rainbow.  "Just think of it as one of the ones we had to do in Cloudsdale."

"Where I failed the slalom and crashed into the cafeteria?" said Fluttershy.

"I was thinking of health class.  Just give it go!"

Fluttershy took a deep breath, and gave it all she got.  0.1.

"Give it a little more oomph," Rainbow Dash cheered.  "Sting like bee, float like a Fluttershy."

Fluttershy tried again.  0.11.

"Try using both front hooves with all you got."

She did, with a cute whimper.  0.22.

"Hang on," said Rainbow Dash.  "Is this thing broken?"  Fluttershy stepped aside to allow the stronger pegasus to tap the punching pad, and the score read 8.0.  Then Rainbow Dash gave it a more powerful punch, and her score rocketed to 9.8.  She didn't seem to put a lot of effort.

Embarrassed and ashamed, Fluttershy sulked behind the group and edged closer to the locker rooms.

"Well, that's okay," said Rainbow Dash.  "Fighting is not about strength, and I can teach you techniques that allow you to use your opponent's strength against them.  And that is a perfect segue to--"

"My turn!"

Oh no.  Pinkie's here again, unscathed and dressed in a more ridiculous outfit that looked more like orange sweats than a gi.

"Not again," sighed Rainbow.  "I told you before that you're not allowed to train with us.  Do you know what happened to the last two punching machines?  The Community Center barely had enough funds to buy this one!  And what's with the outfit?"

"Believe it or not, I'm a ninja!"

"I can see that because your name tag sticker reads 'Hello, my name is A NINJA'.  Hey, that gives me an idea!  Pinkie Pie, I want you stand over there."

"Okay, I'm here!  What do you want me to do?"

"HADÔKEN!"

What just happened?  Rainbow Dash suddenly drew her front hooves together, and from them she fired a rainbow-colored energy wave at the pink pony.  Pinkie Pie was now gone, leaving a Pinkie-shaped hole in the wall.

"B-b-but how?" Fluttershy stuttered.

"Oh, don't worry," said Rarity as she cracked her joints.  "Pinkie Pie will be fine after she completes two revolutions around the sun after breaking the land speed record--again."

"Is that some kind of magic?" Twilight asked.  "Or is it part of the natural abilities of the pegasii?"

"Neither," said Rainbow Dash.  "You see, everypony possesses some level of magic, but they are all the same property--chi as the monks called it.  All I did was gather my chi into a ball and threw it at Pinkie Pie."

"You think you can teach us that?" Scootaloo asked.

"It's not part of the agenda, but what the hay?  It's a small class and we got time."

"All right!  Cutie Mark Crusaders Chi Masters!  Yeah!"

The fillies cheered, and Rainbow Dash asked everypony to help out bringing out the practice targets out from storage.  This ranged from wood and cardboard cutouts of dragons, giant armor-clad space monkeys, and a very angry purple blob monster.  All the other targets were badly damaged through unspeakable means.

It seemed almost given that Rarity would volunteer first to demonstrate a chi blast, but her method was unnecessarily graceful, as if she read too many comics about stallion hunks going into a fabulous pose before beating the snot out of each other.  Standing on her hind legs crossed and her left foreleg on her hip, she fired with a smooth arc from her right foreleg at the ugliest target prop a straight and dazzling beam of blue and white energy.  As if to one-up Dash's coolness, she blew on the tip of her smoking hoof.

"I call this the 'Fabulous Ray'," said Rarity.

"Not sure how that's gonna intimidate your opponent," commented Rainbow Dash.  "Twilight, you're next."

Twilight came up, and like last time she double and tripled-checked her stance and posture before firing her chi-blast.  It wasn't anything spectacular, but she did blow off the head of one of the giant space-monkey targets.  That was quite impressive considering she was used to using her horn with deadly precision.

Apple Bloom came up and obliterated a dragon target.  Scootaloo managed to put a hole in one of the space monkey's crotch area, and Sweetie Belle singed the tail of another.  Fluttershy became both impressed and distressed at how quickly the fillies learned and how nonchalant they dealt with Rainbow Dash blowing Pinkie through ceilings and walls.  How could any of this be normal?  How was she missing out from all this madness?  Surely she would have witnessed these things happening during the changeling fight.  Fluttershy was more than ashamed.  She was downright scared, and she quietly made her attempt towards the lockers.

"Fluttershy, you're up!" cried Dash.

"Eep!  Um, just a second.  I have to use the little filly's room."

"Hey, that's a great idea!  I'll come with."

"Me too!" Sweetie Belle cried.

"I have to go as well," said Rarity.  "Got to change out of this sweaty gi."

In the end, everypony went to the bathroom, thus thwarting Fluttershy's chances of escaping this madness.  She didn't even actually use the toilet and instead spent the entire break inside the stall sweating in fear.  Now she found herself in the middle of the training mats sweating in embarrassment and needing to go to the bathroom.  If only she hid in the lockers instead.

"I don't think I can do it," said Fluttershy.

"It's not that hard," said Rainbow.  "Think of forming snowballs from winter clouds like we did in Cloudsdale."

"Okay.  Here goes."

Fluttershy took a deep breath.  She stood on her hind legs and brought her front hooves close enough so that all her chi and nearby chi spiraled into a single point in an awesome show of energy build up.  Everypony, and maybe Twilight who looked back and forth between her book and the scene, leaned in with excitement upon which the timid yellow pegasus would release a power that rivaled the celestial goddesses.

In one cry, she released it--a tiny, heart-shaped chi blast that gingerly floated across the gym towards the second Pinkie-shaped hole in the wall.  It was so slow that the slowest fly with a hurt wing ran laps around it.  A few moths began dancing on top of Fluttershy's adorable chi blast without being singed.

"Hey, it's only your first try," said Rainbow Dash.  "I'm sure you'll improve with time.  Now who wants to practice with weapons?"

The whole time, Fluttershy hardly noticed the giant crate that was against the wall that Rainbow Dash opened with a swift kick.  The contents poured out in long successive clangs, revealing a cache of dark and deadly medieval weapons worn and chipped from the ravages of brutal wars, should Equestria have any.  The Cutie Mark Crusaders jumped for joy as they rushed to pick up their choice instruments.  This was dangerous!  Twilight, the responsible pony, still had her face buried in her book, and only Rarity yelled at Sweetie Belle to drop the rusty and chipped long sword she had clamped between her mouth.

"Sweetie Belle, you shouldn't put your mouth around that," said the white unicorn mare.  "You don't know where that's been."

"Then what am I going to practice with?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"Not to worry my dear sister.  I packed for us the Green Destiny and the Heaven's Will."

To her dismay, Fluttershy saw the two other fillies wielding weapons several times their size with ease, like Apple Bloom and a huge axe, and Scootaloo with a huge chainsaw-sword thingy.  No… They couldn't be the adorable girls she babysat more than a year ago.  They were monsters!  Fluttershy, in her bouts of rage, considered herself a monster amongst ponies, but she realized that lived in a town, or rather, an entire nation of monsters.  Her stiffened body speedily waltzed itself backwards and into the first locker she stuffed herself into.  Her long pink mane and tail extensions brushed against some old gum in the corner, just like her high school days.

"Hey, where did Fluttershy go?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"I believe I saw her go into the locker room," replied Rarity.  "She must have needed to go to the bathroom again."

"I suppose it's time for another break.  Be back here in five."

And Fluttershy hid, hoping that her classmates had forgotten her.  Alas, the magic of friendship was a powerful foe, and almost immediately after the break, Rainbow Dash immediately asked for Fluttershy.

So they looked for her all over the gym, the locker rooms, and the rest of the community center.  Pretty soon, everypony not involved with the self-defense course was out looking for her, and she knew this from the stampede-like shuffles vibrating her locker.  They had thwarted her plans of sneaking out, but the timid pegasus was patient.  She'll get the upperhoof.

"Hey, Fluttershy's tail is sticking out of the locker!" Apple Bloom yelled.  "She's here!"

Curse her tail extension.

"Darling, why are you in that dreary locker?" asked Rarity.

"She's in the locker?" asked Scootaloo.  "You mean she's secretly gay?"

"Fluttershy's not gay," said Sweetie Belle, "and if she was, she should be 'coming out of the closet'."

"Sweetie Belle!" cried Rarity.  "Have you girls been reading my magazines?"

"But if Fluttershy's in the locker," said Apple Bloom, "does that mean she's secretly straight, or really loves animals but doesn't want us to know."

"I'm not coming out," squeaked the timid yellow pegasus.  "All of you ponies are too strong for me to keep up."

"I don't think we're that strong," said Rarity.

"You're monstrously strong!  Rarity, you can fire lasers from your hooves!"

"I wouldn't call it a laser, actually."

"Fluttershy, you can't get any stronger if you're in the clos--I mean, locker," said Rainbow Dash.  "Sure, we perform some awesomely dangerous moves, but I've been teaching this course regularly over the past few years.  It's safe!"

"Rainbow Dash," said Twilight.  "I just finished my book, and I just realized that we might have gotten a little off tangent in this self-defense course.  I mean, chi energy and weapons are interesting, but isn't the point of self-defense is to, you know, protect oneself?"

"Come to think of it, I think I did go off tangent.  I didn't realize we were making Fluttershy feel bad."

"You think?"

"All right, the class is almost over, and we already went through the hard stuff.  I guess we can go straight to takedowns and whatnot."

"So you're not gonna teach us how to use the Zangetsu?" asked Scootaloo.

"Maybe another time squirt."

"Oh, all right.  Cutie Mark Crusaders Take-Down Masters.  Yay."

The Final Lesson

The Final Lesson

The punching machine had been pushed to the corner.  The cardboard and wood targets had been put back in storage, and the cache of dangerous and mystical weapons were sealed back into their accursed wooden crate.  Three mares and three fillies lined up in perfect attention to their sensei in the white gi.  The Cutie Mark Crusaders were calm, and Twilight's muzzle had escaped a powerful tome at least for now.  Fluttershy still had her fearful shakes, but at least she was confident enough for one normal martial arts lesson.

Then there was this pink pony at the end, beaming her almost-infectious high-sugar octane of excitement as she stood smiling in an orange gi.  And for some reason, she had dyed her mane and tail blonde and spiked them straight up with what could be a closet-full of Rarity's super-stiff gel.  She was the driving force that could completely ruin not just the self-defense course, but also the entire day.  Her presence was caught in the radar of Rainbow Dash's peripheral vision, and the blue and rainbow pony backtracked her steps to face the pink peril.

"Uh, what are you doing here?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"I wanna learn how to take a pony down to town!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"This is a two-pony lesson."

"Not to worry!  I brought this mare who came over from Canterlot."

"I don't even know why I'm here!" cried a distressed North Star, a prim and proper light purple unicorn mare whom Fluttershy remembered from their first Grand Galloping Gala, Twilight's birthday party, and the wedding.  She especially remembered her from the first Gala because North Star barged into Donut Joe's with the Royal Guards threatening to arrest Pinkie Pie for sexual assault, but had stopped upon seeing Princess Celestia in the same donut shop.

"You can't just pull random ponies off the street and make them your sparring partner," said Rainbow Dash.  "Besides, you're still banned from receiving any training."

"Aw, come on," cried Pinkie Pie.  "I promise I won't blow up the rock climbing course like last time."

"That was a whole mountain!  Look, you're special, and I mean that in a good way.  That is why you're going to, um, be part of my newest special training.  In fact, you'll be separated from the group so you can practice your awesome moves without any gratuitous harm and irrecoverable damage."

"Okay!  Where is it?"

"Over there."

"There?"

"No, further.  Just go past the Pinkie-shaped hole."

"Here?"

"No.  Keep going."

"How about now?"

"Perfect!  Just stand by that tree and don't move.  That's part of your, um, super concentration training.  With that technique, you can imagine power beyond the gods!"

"Okie dokie lokie Dashie-sensei."

Dash slammed and boarded the door shut.  She had sent Pinkie so far out from the community center gym that past the Pinkie-shaped hole she appeared nothing larger than a gnat next to a tree.

The training was almost underway, but then Dash whistled for Twilight and Rarity for a quick and private conference.  Fluttershy knew not what they discussed based on their confirmed nods and suggestive winks and blinks, but hopefully that had something to do with Pinkie Pie standing so far out in the grassy fields of Ponyville.

"All right!" said Rainbow Dash.  "Since we're practicing takedowns, I'm going to assign mares to fillies so that the young ones would be able to escape any creepy adult stalkers that will attempt to kidnap them with 'free candy' written on suspicious wagons.  So the pairings are as follows…"

She assigned Rarity to Apple Bloom, Twilight to Scootaloo, and Fluttershy to Sweetie Belle; basically the strongest mare to the strongest filly, second strongest mare to second strongest filly, etc.  The timid yellow pegasus didn't think much of the arrangement, but she was worried that her own adult strength might overpower the unicorn filly.  Then again, pegasus bones are a bit lighter and hollower than unicorns and especially that of earth ponies.

The initial demonstration started off innocently enough with Rainbow Dash selecting Rarity as a sparring partner to show how to defend against surprise mounting (usually against stallions), collar grabs (happens a lot), and side tackling.  There were no explosions, no chi blasts, and scary weapons.  Just pure skill and little roughhousing on the padded mats which Rainbow and Rarity demonstrated expertly.

Then the class paired off.  Rainbow Dash began her supervision of the takedowns with Rarity and Apple Bloom and Twilight and Scootaloo.  Once satisfied that they would be fine on their own, she finally stopped before the Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle pair, the latter who waited patiently for the former who was too timid to start without the teacher's watchful guidance.

"I'll be gentle," said Fluttershy. "I hope."

"That sounded… anyway, you don't have to be too gentle," said Sweetie Belle.  "You need to apply enough weight to stimulate an attacking stallion."

"Well, okay. Turn around, I guess. I'll mount you. As pretend. Not for real. But almost like a stallion. Here goes."

With the trembling body, Fluttershy carefully trotted over the young pony's white body, and just as carefully she lowered herself in an attempt to pretend-mount Sweetie Belle.  Fur brushed with fur, but no skin came into pressed contact.  The timid yellow pegasus's body trembled into earthquake levels, as she tried her best to make any lewd contact, implied or otherwise, especially in front of Rarity.  Else, she would have to sit down with known Canterlot newscaster, Chris Hoofson, who often hosts Dayline's "To Catch a Carnivore".

"You can relax, Fluttershy," said Sweetie Belle.

"I just don't want to crush you," strained Fluttershy.

"Well, okay.  I'll do my thing.  One, two…"

Fluttershy flew off the ground, and without wings or magic.  Her body hurtled high over the barrier separating the volleyball practice session and the self-defense course, and then she crashed into the volleyball net.  She felt like a seapony trapped in a fishing net.

"I'm so sorry!" Sweetie Belle cried.  "Are you okay?"

"Just fine," winced Fluttershy.

Switching roles was just as embarrassing, if not more so.  Sweetie Belle "mounting" Fluttershy didn't seem that obscene.  It looked more like the times Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom rode on their respective older sisters' backs.  Yet to top it off, all the stretches and the heart palpitations of seeing her friends' amazing abilities rendered the yellow pegasus tired as a wasted Rainbow Dash on a late Tuesday, and she could barely carry a filly on her back.  Twice she plopped on her stomach, and all Fluttershy could manage was having Sweetie Belle sliding off her rump with minimal effort.

The next part of the lesson was worse.  First Fluttershy tried to play the role of the perpetrator but clasping Sweetie Belle's folds of skin in her hooves by the collar.  Yet at every instance, Sweetie Belle slammed, tackled, and tossed the whimpering pegasus.  Half the time she threw her back into the volleyball net.  Switching places proved no better, for Fluttershy ended up throwing herself down into the tough mats, narrowly missing the piles of pillows meant to cushion Sweetie Belle's fall.

"I'm sorry!" Sweetie Belle apologized again.

"No, it's not your fault," said Fluttershy.  "I'm a laughing stock of ponykind.  I can't even beat up a filly, let alone a foal if I wanted to.  I should go back and whimper in the locker."

"Don't give up Fluttershy!  Remember the time you wrestled that bear?"

"I didn't wrestle him!  I was giving him a chiropractic massage."

"But that's what Scootaloo told me."

Something out of Fluttershy's view distracted Sweetie Belle.

"Wait, what?" asked the filly.  "Uh-huh.  Yeah, I can do it."

"Who were you talking to?" asked Fluttershy.

"Uh, nopony!  Fluttershy, at least complete the final part of the lesson with me.  Otherwise, I won't be able to evade side tackles."

"Maybe Rainbow Dash or that mare from Canterlot can help you."

"That blue pegasus boarded the exits!" cried a frantic North Star.  "I can't get out!"

"Please?" pled Sweetie Belle.  "I don't want to trouble Dash-sensei.  She's already busy as it is."

"Well, you do have a point," said Fluttershy, "and Twilight is having trouble holding onto Scootaloo.  Okay, I'll do it!  Just for you."

Now, the point of the side-tackle self-defense was to prevent attacking ponies or other creatures from biting onto your neck and ears, or to prevent tripping in general.  Sweetie Belle stood off to the side, raring for the assault by scratching her hooves on the mat in play.  Even though she was young, her underdeveloped horn could still gore Fluttershy.  For this particular exercise, it had to be surrounded with bubble wrap.

As for Fluttershy, she still trembled as usual, but with another dose of invigorated excitement that maybe, at least maybe she could able do one martial arts task correctly.  Sweetie Belle was at her peripheral vision, and half the time Fluttershy couldn't see her.  The yellow pegasus remembered Rainbow Dash bragging about having a sixth sense in battle and in sports competitions.  She believed Fluttershy could master it.

So she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.  Feeling the natural calmness calmed her body down, and she lowered her head like a snake poised for the strike.  She felt the gentle breeze of Sweetie Belle's incoming presence softly brush her yellow fur.  And then…

SLAM!  The yellow pegasus grit her teeth and threw the unicorn filly far off to the corner of safety pillows before she could make her tackle.  Fluttershy spun in place making sure that she had smote her young and adorable pretend-enemy.  Seeing and sensing a lack of presence of Sweetie Belle, a wide smile of success stretched across her face.

"I did it!  I did it!" danced Fluttershy.  "In your face Sweetie Belle!  Oh, I hope that wasn't too vulgar.  I mean, I'm happy that I'm able to defend myself and that you helped me, but oh my gosh, I finally learned how to defend myself without getting angry or by accident.  I can't believe I did it.  With a filly!  I did it!"

"What are you doing sis? Drop me before she finds out!"

"I didn't know I was supposed to be levitating you.  Twilight, I thought you got this all planned!"

"Sorry!  This passage about the 'Spirit Bomb' technique was too good to put down."

She didn't want to believe she overheard her friends' conversation.  She didn't want to believe that Sweetie Belle's fall was a lie and that the sounds she heard weren't breaking bones.  Fluttershy turned around and saw the unicorn filly trapped between two pulls of bluish and magenta magic in the air above the safety pillows.  Sweetie Belle plopped down to the ground once Fluttershy caught Rarity and Twilight in the act.

"Um, we were just lifting her up for the next exercise," winced Rarity.

"I don't think she's going to buy it," said Twilight.

It was one thing to be scared and weak.  For Fluttershy, as timid she was, definitely did not want their charitable pity.  Whether it was a holdover of the ancient pegasii warrior blood coursing through her being, she never felt so ashamed.  With neck and ears drooped, she turned her body towards her safety sanctuary.

"I'll hide in my locker again…" she muttered.

"Wait Fluttershy!" cried Scootaloo.  "You can't go back to the locker!  You're not gay!"

"That's closet you dodo!" Sweetie Belle corrected.

"That doesn't look like a closet."

The pleas from the fillies fell on Fluttershy's deaf ears, and nopony dared to stop her from retreating into the sweet sanctuary of the smelly, bubblegum-riddled locker.  She could not see much from the narrow air slits, but she knew her concerned friends had already gathered around her.

"Wait Fluttershy," said Rainbow Dash.  "I'm sorry, but it was my idea.  I just wanted to make you feel better."

"You made me feel worse," Fluttershy replied.

"Look, I'm willing to give it my all to help you defend yourself against all sorts of baddies, but you know what--even being a coward is a strength in of itself."

"How so?"

"I don't want you to be like me and risk your life facing all sorts of dangers.  That's not the Fluttershy I know and love.  I'd be deathly worried if somepony's hunting you down and you tried to take her on."

"There's no shame in running away to save your life," said Rarity.  "I can't risk my life unnecessarily because I have a sister to love and protect."

"Plus, there are other degrees of strength.  You're good with animals, and you're not afraid of the big and scary ones--excepting dragons."

"You're also great at knitting--possibly greater than I am."

"You also have 'The Stare'!" added Scootaloo.  "Say, is that a martial arts ability that can be taught?"

"Fluttershy, you may be the weakest pony in the group," said Twilight, "but that weakness is a strength to remind us that while we are strong, our strength comes at a responsibility for the loved ones who can't defend themselves.  Everypony is weak at one point, but it is through love and friendship that we become stronger."

"You're one of the key pillars of the group, Flutters," said Rainbow Dash.  "After all, you were chosen to be the bearer of the Element of Kindness."

In that period of self-reflection, calmness, and the caring words of her friends, Fluttershy finally had the clarity to realize that her actions might have been a bit selfish.  In truth, she did complain about her apparent weakness to almost everypony and even to herself.  She remembered the times Rainbow Dash cheered her on to pass to excruciatingly difficult flight tests at flight camp.  Somehow, her blue friend's undying loyalty pushed her past the limit finally graduate from flight camp.  Maybe not with flying colors, but at least she finished.   Still, Fluttershy still felt shameful, but not because weakness or charity.  It was because she was almost close to letting her friends down.  That was something she simply could not do, strength or no strength.

She did, however, find the strength to come out of the locker to the find the smiles of relief of all her friends.

"I'm sorry I made everypony worry," she said.

"It's all right," said Twilight.  "Worrying about your friends is just natural."

"I'll admit that I have started this self-defense course off tangent," said Rainbow Dash, "but I think you still have the strength to defend yourself.  We'll just have to take baby steps until you're ready to take on a horde of dragons with your bare hooves.  So why not a private lesson at your house?  Are Saturdays good?"

Suddenly, the nearest wall exploded.  Stepping through the crumbled hole, while unintentionally looking awesomely cool, was a huffed-out Applejack who appeared as if the entirety of Sweet Apple Acres came alive and started revolting against their equine masters.

"Applejack, what are you doing here?" asked Rainbow Dash.  "And why did you go through the wall?"

"Never mind that!" replied the farm pony who was unfazed by the dust and rubble on her body.  "RD, what the hay did you tell Pinkie to do?"

"I told her to just go outside and stand--oh no.  She's doing it again, isn't she?"

Applejack deathly nodded.  Fluttershy could see the horror casting over Twilight and Rarity's faces, whereas the Cutie Mark Crusaders jumped for joy and ran out of the crumbled hole.  The thing about being the Bearer of the Element of Kindness was that one pony could sense the feelings of others.  Excepting the girls, Fluttershy knew that something terrible was about to happen.

Instead of going through the hole Applejack made, Fluttershy and her friends decided to cut off the Cutie Mark Crusaders by ramming out another hole next to the Pinkie-shaped hole in the gymnasium.  Applejack and Rarity lassoed and magical grabbed their little sisters respectively, whereas Rainbow Dash dive-tackled Scootaloo before they could get a hoof closer to the greatest threat to Equestria that had happened within the past few days.

Then there was Pinkie standing with her front hooves in the air with love and cautious care.  She showed no signs of wavering just yet, but everypony knew that whatever she was doing, Ponyville, and hopefully Ponyfield (Ponyville's no-good rival township a stone-throw's away), would end up a giant crater on the ground.  That was because Pinkie Pie held a massive ball of chi energy whose size rivaled that of the Luna's moon and maybe Celestia's sun.  The sheer heat of the chi energy had melted the yellow hair dye and gel to give way to the pink one's trademark puffiness, but even that showed signs of flattening at her realization that she might accidentally destroy Ponyville for real this time.

"Pinkie Pie!" yelled Rainbow Dash.  "I thought I told you to just stand there!"

"Oh, Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie cried back.  "I tried and I failed!  I started to stand on my hind legs with my other two in the air, and this cute ball of energy started forming on top of it.  Before I knew it, it grew this large!"

"And you didn't decide to release it?"

"But it was so cute, and I didn't want to let it go!"

"It's going to destroy Ponyville, that's what!  Pinkie Pie you doomed us all!"

"Is there any way we can stop it?" asked Rarity.

"No we can't!  Even if we had time, not even the Princesses would be able to stop the Spirit Bomb!"

"Wait you guys!" Twilight exclaimed.  "Something's coming out of the Pinkie-hole!"

What Twilight meant was that something was coming out of the Pinkie-shaped hole from the gym, not from Pinkie's… Anyway, the purple-one's expositional exclamation diverted their attention to something gingerly fluttering out of the Pinkie-hole.  Even Fluttershy had forgotten it amidst this madness, but her heart-shaped chi blast slowly advanced towards the ever-growing energy ball of destruction that Pinkie Pie had, unsurprisingly, gathered above her hooves.

"It's so tiny and adorable!" spoke the Sweetie Belle.

"There's no way that's gonna stop the Spirit Bomb," said Rainbow Dash.

"It might," said Twilight.  "If my head-calculations are correct, Fluttershy's chi blast might be able to punch a hole through Pinkie's Spirit Bomb and dissipate all the energy into space.  It's almost as if Fluttershy possesses some kind of negative-strength that negates any strength thrown towards her, kind of like an inverse black hole."

"That doesn't make any sense!" cried Applejack.

"Even so, Fluttershy is the only pony able to counter Pinkie's absurd energy powers with her negative-strength.  Fluttershy is going to save Ponyville!"

A few agonizing minutes later, the cute, heart-shaped chi energy finally made contact with the Spirit Bomb, which then glowed brighter, bigger, and deadlier.

"Or maybe we'll die in a storm of raging hellfire," Twilight said in one gulp.

"Hit the deck!" Applejack cried.

Boom.

The Aftermath

The Aftermath

Nopony knew how or why it happened, and the bigger mystery was how they survived.  First there was a flash of light, and then the ponies found themselves dazed, confused, and relieved.

In the sunny afternoon, Royal Guards descended en-masse for the witnesses.

And so, due to the near-destruction of Ponyville, Twilight and her friends were summoned to the court to prostrate before the Solaris Princesse herself.  Even when she appeared calm, Twilight appeared ready to have yet another total nervous breakdown, while Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity appeared ready to single out the bearer of the Element of Magic as the responsible pony.

As for Pinkie Pie, she was now eating through her sixth tub of ice cream.  Celestia in her limited omniscience didn't know how she got them, and Fluttershy appeared to be donned in some kind of boxy-kind of armor.  To the Princess of the Sun, something about it reminded her of the stallions' locker rooms.

Still, the ponies before were in trouble.  Forgivable as they were, she looked down upon them as all monarchs would towards troublesome subjects, even if they represented the Elements of Harmony and were the country's only means of anti-apocalyptic defense.  Her eyes weren't that of an angry goddess, but they were those of a severely disappointed parent.

"I hope you understand why I summoned you before me," spoke Celestia.

"Um, Princess," spoke Applejack.  "I jus' wanna go on record that I had nothing to do with this."

"And I don't know why I'm here as well!" cried the frantic Canterlite North Star.  "I'm not even part of the Elements of Harmony!"

"You're more like the Element of Whining," mumbled Rainbow Dash.

"Let's focus my little ponies," said Celestia.  "The reason I summoned you here is because--"

"MY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Luna cried.

The Lunaris Princesse crashed through the doors off towards the side.  She did not just go through--she obliterated the antique doors as she staggered in high on caffeine, drunk on cider, or a dangerous combination of both.  Her wavy space-mane and space-tail somehow appeared frazzled complete with split space-ends.  When she paraded between Celestia and the Bearers of the Elements, nopony could resist watching her wave her dark blue bottom back and forth with hypnotic suggestiveness.

"Yes," said Celestia.  "You blew up Luna's moon."

"Like I said," said Applejack, "I had nothing to do with it."

"Neither have I," added North Star.  "Can I go now?"

"Dear Applejack," said Celestia, "you're here for a different reason--you walked through a wall and put a hole through Luna's room.  And on top of that, a quarter of Ponyfield was wiped out."

"Nopony cares about Ponyfield," grumbled Rainbow Dash.

"I do," spoke Fluttershy through her boxy locker-armor.

"Rainbow Dash is right, but that's not the point," said Celestia.  "With the moon gone, I'll have to think of a way rebuilding it, or else I'll never hear the end of--"

"MY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Luna cried again whilst jiggling her behind.

"--that.  With a heavy heart, however, I have to impose upon you all a necessary punishment to assuage the general populace."

"W-what do you have in mind Princess?" asked Twilight.

"I haven't decided yet.  Luna kept me distracted to come up with one before our meeting, so I'll attempt to convene with her again.  Come along my dear sister."

"My moon..." Luna mumbled.  "My moon…  My moon…"

It was almost hard not to smirk when the Lunar Princess followed her older sister back through the broken doorway.  The way she waved her bottom was so… distracting.  One could only imagine if she waved her butt intentionally.

"It's not like it's a big deal," said Rainbow Dash.  "So what if the moon blew up?  We won't have nights for a while, and there won't be any surfing."

"You just don't get it, do you?" asked Twilight.

"You heard what the Princess said: nopony cares about Ponyfield, and nopony died as a result."

"Rainbow, we realized too late!  We were too distracted in the zaniness of our self-defense course, our Friendship Lesson makes no sense, and now the Princess is going to punish us!"

"You, maybe.  I mean, what's she gonna do?  Send us to the moon?"

"I knew you Ponyville ponies were crazy, but this takes the cake!"

"Cake?" perked Pinkie Pie.  "Where?"

The oncoming footsteps of the Regal Sisters stiffened the mares back into attention.  Whereas Celestia plotted herself upon her usual throne, Luna moved to her side shaking her booty like a thang.  Only when Celestia summoned a banana daiquiri did the Night Princess cease twitching her butt and eyes and calm down to eat her sister's mouth-watering dessert.

"Luna and I have decided your punishment," said Celestia.

Before she could utter a single breath of a syllable, a toupee-wearing stallion in a suit suddenly walked from behind the curtains with a camerapony behind him.

"Fluttershy," he said.  "I'm Chris Hoofson of Dayline's 'To Catch a Carnivore'.   Why don't you have a seat--oh, I didn't know the Princesses were here.  I'm going to need more chairs."

To be continued…?