It was a lovely day in Maretropolis. The perpetual smog was shining in reflected light, the traffic was singing tunelessly, and the Power Ponies hadn’t been sighted all day. A more perfect day for villainy is seldom seen.
In an abandoned warehouse near the docks, the Conductor had no intention of wasting the afternoon. Today was the day he would finally take control of the city’s subway system. He had spent the past week building a robot that could ride the tracks to the subway control center and seize command; now he merely needed to dig down to the tunnel that ran directly under this warehouse and set his robot loose. He didn’t have as many henchponies as the big-name villains, but the ones he had were very hard workers, and they were on track to hit the tunnel shortly after nightfall.
Suddenly, the door burst open as a pink-and-purple blur charged in!
“Fili-Second!” the Conductor bellowed. “I knew I’d be seeing you! But you’re too late. My robot is already on its way to the control center, and you’ll never find which path it’s taking in time!”
Fili-Second just stared in confusion.
“Wait, that’s not right.” The Conductor looked behind himself to confirm that his plan hadn’t inexplicably advanced by several hours while he wasn’t watching. Indeed, his robot was still just sitting out in the middle of the warehouse, next to a hole that was still being dug. “What are you doing here so early? It’s not even close to the last minute. You can defeat my plan without any dramatic tension at all. That’s not like you at all.”
“Yeah, I know, I shouldn’t be acknowledging your scheme so soon.” Fili-Second smiled awkwardly. “But I was hoping I could ask you for a teensy favor? Would you maybe delay releasing your robot until tomorrow? It would mean a lot to me”
“I can’t be seen doing favors for heroes. Especially not favors where they dictate parts of my evil plans. You know that.”
“Please? I really want us to have a proper showdown, but I just can’t spare the time for that tonight. I would be totally in your debt if you would accommodate me.”
“I’m sorry, I just can’t. I might get kicked out of the Villain League if I did. Just talking to you is risky enough.”
“I’ll check the entire subway system without finding your robot if you hold off until tomorrow. I’ll just barely miss it at least five times during my search. I’ll let it enter the control center before I stop it. I’ll let it knock out the ponies there. It is guaranteed nonlethal, right?”
“Of course it is. What do you take me for?”
“My favorite villain to work with, that’s what I take you for. And that’s why I’m offering to let you knock out everypony in the subway control center. That’ll wreak havoc on the entire subway system, and I don’t let just anypony wreak havoc on the entire subway system. But you have to do it tomorrow, not today.”
“If I could agree, I already would have. I want to help, but I simply cannot take the risk. I’m sorry.”
“What if I let you succeed? I could give you an entire day in command of the subway before I depose you and restore the status quo.”
“Oh, that’s really tempting.” He very deliberately stopped himself from saying more, thought for a moment, and then turned to one of the henchponies who had stopped digging in favor of watching a superhero plead with their boss. “Quick, tell me you’re a spy for the Villain League.”
“Um . . . I’m a spy for the Villain League?”
The Conductor turned back to Fili-Second with new resolve. “My answer’s still ‘no.’ The Villain League is always watching, and if they kick me out I’ll have nothing.”
“And you realize that this means I have to stop your plan right now, even though that will be easy and boring?”
“Just get it over with.”
He blinked, and it was all over. His robot was meticulously disassembled and spread across the floor. He was securely tied up, as were all of his henchmen. And Fili-Second was once more standing in front of him, holding the stolen AI chip that was so crucial to making the robot do anything useful.
“This isn’t even modified!” she accused. “Did you put any effort into this scheme at all? Now I’m glad I didn’t let you almost succeed with it; this is pathetic. I thought you were better than this.” She started to walk away, and then turned back. “And now I need to return this chip to the university in pristine condition! Do you have any idea how disappointed the theoretical technology department will be? They’ve been waiting to get the smashed remains back so they can reverse-engineer how you improved it. But apparently you got them all excited for nothing. I expect you to have an apology ready to give them first thing after you escape from jail. And it had better be sincere.” This time, she almost left, but stopped in the doorway, silhouetted by the sickly glow of the smog. “I want you to remember two things: that I am very disappointed in you, and that it didn’t have to be like this.”
At that very moment, in an elegant mansion on the other side of Maretropolis, Lady Feline was at work on her greatest piece of villainy yet. Sure, charging her transformation ray by rubbing balloons on her herd of cats was not the most efficient method, but it had so much more style than the alternatives. It would only take a few more hours, anyway, and it wasn’t like the Power Ponies knew she was plotting anything, so she could afford the time. Soon everypony in Maretropolis would be everycat, and nothing was going to stop her.
Suddenly, her front door burst open as a pink-and-purple blur charged in!
“Fili-Second!” Lady Feline screeched. “That door is an antique! You’d better not have damaged it!”
Fili-Second looked at the door. There was a distinct hoofprint in the wood where she had kicked the door open, and the area around the knob had splintered off since she hadn’t bothered to open the door properly. “No . . . it looks fine to me.”
“LIAR! Get her, my minions!” Cats swarmed out of the charging machine, eager to do any job that didn’t involve being assaulted with balloons. As Fili-Second began dodging the endless rain of razor claws, Lady Feline added, “No witty banter? What’s wrong, cat got your tongue?”
“Maybe if you had given me any time to speak I would have said something! Were you really so eager to use such a mediocre pun?”
Lady Feline stuck her nose in the air. “There’s no need to be rude.”
Fili-Second’s shoulders sagged, not that her posture was remotely visible while she was constantly moving. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just been—”
“I really don’t care.”
And then Lady Feline was surrounded by balloons. She didn’t even have time to perceive Fili-Second stuffing her into her charging machine. She was just there, stuck inside an apparatus far too small for ponies, with no hope of extricating herself unaided. She couldn’t even get her head turned around in time to see Fili-Second leave with her cats.
She hoped Fili-Second merely put them in a cage that wouldn’t fit through the door. Last time she had one of her schemes foiled, she had to steal her cats back from the Maretropolis pound, and she barely made it out alive. The security on that place was just unreasonable.
Meanwhile, Fili-Second was 23 miles outside the city limits, scraping bark off a willow tree. Going this far always felt like a waste of a second, but it was the closest she could find trees, and she really needed willow bark today. Abusing her narrative sense to predict crimes before they became crises was giving her a headache even worse than usual. But it would all be worth it come evening. She just had to make sure that nothing could possibly demand her attention tonight.
That evening, at an unassuming school in a fairly diverse but otherwise uninteresting neighborhood of Maretropolis, the students were putting on Much Ahoof About Nothing. Near the front of the audience, six average mares eagerly awaited the appearance of their adoptive son (though the official legal relationship was actually far more complicated than “son”) in the role of Dog Berry. He would be hard to miss; he was the only dragon in the cast.
They had all had very long days. Disaster-proofing a city was no minor task, especially when narrative forces are actively trying to ensure conflict happens at the most inconvenient times. They were barely even staying awake while they waited. But they were not going to miss Humdrum’s appearance in the school play. Especially not after they promised they’d be there. This was far more important than sleep.
