Typical HIE Story

by Sixteafor

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Comedy, Adventure, Random
Length: 1067

Wheeeeee.

This is the story of some dude that's "Average."

He ends up in Equestria. Riiiiiight.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-03 10:34:03 UTC

Prologue

So, yeah. Right. Ok.

I am a typical teenaged boy. Like, so fucking typical that I have to say that I'm fucking typical. Fuck.

Uh, I mean.... Brown hair or some shit, overweight (To add some good 'ol three dimensional hocus-pocus) And bullied at school. Yep. Fucking typical.

Er...Okay...Um, I was at school or something. There was like... Bullies. Yes, bullies. Original!

I was hiding from them.

"Oh, geez, I hope that they don't find me behind this here two centimeter tall piece of wood." I say to myself. "That would not be a very fortunate thingy." I scratched my head. Why weren't they here yet?

"Oh, uh... I mean, hey! You! I'm bullying you." A jock said, almost missing me as he ran past. He started to kick me. Each blow was like a "wave of shock through my body." Right.

"Ow, fuck. That seriously hurts." I cried. "What must I have done to have this such injustice to be brought upon me?" Tears welled up in my eyes. That usually means that I am sad. The bully sneered.

"Because you are gay poo-poo." He whispered. I was devastated. Never before had I been called such things.

"Fuck. I hate you, grrrrr. Hey, look. thunder." Lightning flashed loudly outside, shaking the building with such a force that I slipped and fell.

"Ow, fuck." I had a tendency to say that. "That, like, fucking hurt." I tried to stand once more, only to slip. However, as I slipped, my foot unluckily made contact with bully's stupid face. "Ow, donkey dick!" I said as I collided with the floor. I looked up to find the bully staring at me, a look of pure hatred on his face.

"Die, bitch." He growled.

He charged at me. I got up, as he was charging abnormally slowly. I ran as fast as I could.

"Fuck." I muttered, as you would if someone was chasing you. "Someone chasing me has the potential to kill me."

All of a sudden... A purple lightning bolt flew from the sky straight towards my beautiful face.

"Oh god, not my beautiful face!" The lightning bolt suddenly changed direction, aiming at my balls. "You asshole!" I screamed.

The lightning bolt pierced through my body, as a lightning bolt may or may not do. I was taken over by the sheer amount of electrifying pain shot through me.

"Fuuuuuck!" I screamed. Woosh.

Silence. Also, blackness. But I don't think that's very race-diverse of me, so... charcoalness? Uh, darkish grayness? Yeah, that'll do.

Darkish grayness.

Equestria Blues

I woke up, a feeling of emptiness in my stomach.

"Oh, fuck. I knew I should have eaten that bagel on the way out," I said, rubbing my tummy. "Now I'm fucking starving.

Unfortunately for me, I was screaming my sentences unintentionally.

Some wolves came out of the bushes.

"Holy fuck, dude." Said the bigger one. "Methinks we are tripping massive five story tall balls." His pal nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, we shouldn't have eaten that mushroom," The smaller one quipped (Quipped?). "I'm totally seeing this hairless bear thing." He scratched his head. "It's fucking hairless, man."

In the time it took for them to talk, I managed to scramble up and grab a stick.

"Oh my Gooood, don't kill me!" I wailed in quite a feminine way. "I'll give you all my quarters!"

They shook their heads.

"Naw, dude." The bigger stoner wolf started. "We're like...friendly or some shit." He sniffed his paw and howled at a fallen acorn. "The fuck you looking at?!" He growled, at the acorn. "You fucking shithead. I'll kill ya!" He mauled the shit out of that fucking acorn. He deserved it, lemme tell you. The acorn was totally stealin' a glance at his mate.

"Oh, I not his mate, if you're wondering." The smaller one said.

The acorn was totally stealing a glance at his buddy, then.

"So, anyways, like... What are you?" The smaller asked. "Are you like... a mutated pony? THAT would be pretty badass, lemme tell ya." He smoothed back his hair. "I'm Dutchtape, who're you?" He inquired.

"I am Roman Santilla Benjamin Quickdick the Third, my good man." I said, suavely. That's a word, right? Okay. "But you can call me Quickdick. It's totally fucking rad." I zipped my zipper (?) up and down a multitude of times to accentuate my enthusiasm.

The bigger one stopped mauling that whore of an acorn to bow at me. "Andrew. How you doing?" He resumed mauling the living (?) shit out of the acorn.

Dutchtape shook his head.

"So, are you... like real, or what?" He asked, quite politely, I might add. "I think I'm high or something."

"Oh, yeah. I'm totally real. And my name is Quickdick. Just saying." Ladies, I'm available. The wolf nodded, quite chill about this whole ordeal."

"Swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon!" Andrew howled.

"Dude, what the fuck?" I jumped back, surprised, or something.

"No worries," Dutchtape assured me. "He's just having one of his Shakespeare relapses." He shrugged.

"Oh. Well, I think we've gotten quite off track in this here little discussion." I said, suddenly business-like.

"Oh, yes." The wolf said, looking at his watch.

"So, uh... Where the hell am I?" I inquired (Hah.)

Dutchtape looked at me seriously, as if he was going to tell me where Nikita Kruschev was totally hiding out.

"Equestria."

"No way, how'd he get here?" I was surprised. I didn't know that the 'ol Commie rascal was a Brony.

"No, you're in Equestria." He said, facepawing (?).

Shock.

"No fucking way."

"Yeah fucking way."

"No."

"Yeah."

"No."

"Yeah."

"Hey, that's actually pretty cool." I shrugged. "So... like... is this a fanfic or some shit?" I asked.

"What?"

"Nevermind, nevermind."

I realized that everything had an outline. I guess I really was in Equestria.

Hey, that's actually pretty cool.

Alright.

Andrew stuck his head up.

"Now, the ceremony." He walked around the acorn, bobbing his head up and down. He sung while he danced.

"Blackbirds singin' in the dead of niiiiight!" He hit that fucking note, beat it down, like a fucker.

"Take these broken' wings and learn to fly!"

The acorn burst into crimson flames, shooting sparks into the cool afternoon air. Yes, betcha this was to go over the 1000 word limit. You fucker.

"The ritual is complete." Andrew said.

Hey, cool.

Alright.

Alright.