Ingredients: Sweet, Sweet Love
Applejack wiped the sweat off her brow. They had been at it since cockcrow, and after the entire day's work, dragging all their stuff to the old waterhole hadn't been any easier. They had certainly all earned some leisure.
“Alright, everypony. This is as good a spot as any,” she announced, dropping the cart. “Now, I reckon we all—”
“Last one in the water is a rotten apple!” Apple Bloom shouted as she darted forward. Seconds later, she was a little cannonball dropping into the water, quickly followed by the big cannonball, Big Macintosh. While the two of them already set up a race to the the other side of the lake, Applejack was still wringing out her mane.
Meanwhile, Granny Smith was entirely focused on her bring alongs. “If you're gonna be roughhousin' like that, I better get myself something to keep up my strength,” she said, grabbing a bottle from her basket to take a swig.
Applejack eyed the bottle carefully. It was one she had seen before and she wasn't too happy about that. “Is that Flim and Flam's miracle cure!?” she almost screamed. “I can't believe you're still drinking that stuff. You forget all about it being a fake?”
Granny Smith remained unimpressed. She put the cap back on and set down the empty bottle. “'Course not. You think your granny is some sorta crazy cook? I heard you when you said this here's no miracle cure. Don't mean I can't drink it though.”
“But it's just apple juice and beet leaves!” Applejack protested.
“And cider's just apple juice forgotten in the cellar. What's your point?”
“What's my point!?” For a moment, Applejack was stunned into silence. “My point is that all it does is mess up your head with ridiculous ideas. Where did you even get it?”
Granny Smith fetched herself another. “Got 'em when Flim and Flam disappeared. Left 'em all lying around in their tent as is, so I figured, better not let 'em go to waste.”
Craning her neck, Applejack got a glimpse inside Granny Smith's basket. It was filled with dozens more of the phony cures. In fact, there was nothing else entirely in the basket.
She let out a huff. “Figures that them lying charlatans are behind it all,” she said, swiping the bottle from Granny Smith's hooves. “It ain't over just because they left town. Those two always spell trouble with a capital T.”
“Watch your tone, missy,” Granny Smith said sharply as she swiped the bottle right back. “You might be grumpy because of what happened, but that don't give you the right to speak ill of the Flimflam brothers.”
“Why not?” Applejack said, stomping her hoof. “They're a bunch of rotten, swindling no-good liars who repeatedly tried to cheat the ponies of Ponyville out of their hard earned bits!”
Granny Smith glared at Applejack and Applejack glared right back. One share of the Apple family's characteristic stubbornness was butting into another. It wasn't something that was going to be solved by rationale and compromise. One of them would have to run the other into the ground and the other would have to admit total defeat.
Granny Smith started: “They're a fine pair of ponies who accidentally made a mistake.”
“They're a bunch of rotten scoundrels who try to fool everypony they meet!”
“They didn't even know their tonic wasn't working!”
“They did know and tried to hide it!”
“They did it to help!”
“They did it to cheat!”
“Enough!” Granny Smith decided. Neither one had made as much as a dent in the other one's resistance, and if previous incidents were any indication, they could be at it for a couple of hours more. Applejack knew and was willing to concede, at least a little bit.
“Now I'm the first to admit that the two of 'em had made mistakes,” Granny Smith began, “but then they explained their reasons to me and they were all plenty sound. I'm able to let bygones be bygones and give 'em a second chance. And so should you.”
But Applejack was worried about something else. “You talked to them? When?”
“Yesterday. Came to the farm to apologize and I never turned away nopony doing that. We talked it it all over, and once we got the loads of our chests, we were all friends again.”
“Friends again!? You weren't friends before.”
“Maybe friend ain't the right word. After all, they did ask me out on a date by the end of it.”
Applejack gasped. “A date!?”
“And I said yes and invited them to dinner tomorrow evening.”
“Dinner!? Tomorrow evening!?”
“That's right,” Granny Smith said. Then, with surprisingly quick hooves, she stepped forward to poke Applejack in the chest. “And you better be on your best behavior tomorrow. I don't want you to embarrass us in front of 'em.”
“Embarrass us!?” Applejack almost swallowed her tongue. “You gotta be kidding. Right!?”
Granny Smith eyed her warily. “And why would I be kidding 'bout that?”
Applejack blinked. “You're serious?” Granny Smith's earnest face was all the response she needed.
“Fine,” she began. “Even if we ignored the age difference and the fact that they're probably just doing this as some sort of scam...”
Applejack paused for a second, struggling to find her words. “You can do better than them. I mean, if you wanna start dating again, what about Mr. Waddles? He's always been kind to you, and I bet you, he would treat you right.”
“Oh, you just don't know 'em yet. The Flimflam brothers are some of the kindest ponies I ever met.” Granny Smith opened the second bottle of tonic and emptied half of it in one go. “'Sides, there places itchin' that Mr. Waddles can't scratch. Those two got haunches that could grind an apple all the way down to its seeds.”
“Granny Smith!” Applejack's cheeks burned a bright red.
Granny Smith casually put the rest of the tonic back into the basket.“What? Your old Granny Smith ain't allowed to check out a healthy stallion's physique,” she said harshly. “I'll let you know, if I hadn't been lookin' at other ponies behinds, you wouldn't even be on this earth. And now quit your bellyachin' and get into the water. You're gonna spoil everypony's fun”
But it was too late already. Applejack's fun had already been spoiled.
* * *
Applejack's hair was in as much turmoil as her blood. Her reflection was looking back at her in the same disheveled state as before. For the umpteenth time, she took off her hairband.
“Now calm down, Applejack,” she told the mirror as she straightened the hairband. “Just remember that you're not doing this for them, you're doing it for Granny Smith. And once she actually spends an entire evening with 'em, she's gonna realize what kind of ponies they are. They're bound to screw up eventually and then she's gonna kick 'em out.”
With a few gentle strokes her mane was soothed into cooperation. When she put the hairband back on, she had restored her usual charming appearance that was perfectly suited for anything between applebucking and a night at the opera. She took a deep breath and was finally ready for anything the Flimflam brothers could throw at her.
There came the expected knock on the front door. “Applejack, be a peach and open the door, will you?” Granny Smith called from the kitchen.
“Sure thing, granny,” Applejack replied.
When she opened the door, she was welcomed by one Flim with a box of chocolates in his hooves and one Flam with a bouquet of roses, both sporting a black tuxedo.
“Greetings, Applejack, and thanks for having us in your humble abode,” said Flim.
“I hope you don't bear a grudge towards us after our latest encounter,” said Flam. “We are truly sorry for what we did and we hope you will forgive us. Then again, if your Granny Smith can, I'm sure so can you.”
They let themselves in before Applejack could say anything.
“My, what a marvelous home!” Flim said, having a look around. “Wouldn't you agree, brother of mine?”
“Certainly, brother. And the stunning interior decorating,” Flam observed. “Truly a palace befitting of the queen that lives inside.”
“Oh, quit it, you,” Granny Smith said, having just come in from the kitchen. She had thrown on her favorite dress, a stunning red piece cluttered with white polka dots, something that had been truly top of the line fifty years ago.
“You look perfectly gorgeous,” Flim said as he grabbed her to give her a kiss on the hoof.
“Here,” Flam said as he hoofed over his flowers, soon followed by his brother's chocolates. “They're neither as sweet nor as fragrant as you, but they are some of the things that come closest on this earth.”
That was about as much as Applejack could stomach. “Excuse me, there's still some preparations to be made before dinner, so I'll be in the kitchen,” she said, escaping the sappy pick-up lines and the schoolfilly giggles.
In there, she found the salad Granny Smith had been preparing only half-finished. She grabbed herself a couple of tomatoes and started slicing them. Something to get her mind off of things, she figured.
Taking her first cut right down the middle of the fruit, her thoughts already wandered back to Flim and Flam. What was really behind asking her granny out on a date? They had to have a hidden agenda, whatever it was. Probably not just forgiveness; they could achieve that much easier. It might be money. That would certainly fit. Charming Granny Smith into funding their new business venture certainly sounded like something they might do.
No matter what it was, in order to get it they were toying with Granny Smith's emotions. They were manipulating her for their own selfish needs, and once they were done, they were just going to toss her out like yesterday's newspaper. If it were up to her, she'd have thrown them out right away. And not with her forelegs. They deserved to bucked so hard out the door, they'd land not only outside of Ponyville, but outside Equestria.
Applejack looked down at the tomato she had brutally dismembered this whole time. It looked much more fit for an autopsy than for a salad. Vowing to pay more attention to the next one, she sighed, tossed out the old tomato, and grabbed a new one.
The salad was soon finished and everypony was called to the dinner table. Of course Granny Smith and Flim and Flam had already seated themselves when Applejack entered, conveniently so with the two suitors at either side of her granny. She reluctantly dished up everypony's serving with the best forced smiled she could muster. Then she sat down herself.
She picked at her salad for a bit, but couldn't get herself to actually eat anything. “So,” she began in a helpless attempt, “Flim, Flam, what are the two of you doing now that your miracle cure selling careers didn't work out?”
“Applejack!” Granny Smith immediately chided. “Don't go 'round askin' questions like that.”
“It's quite alright,” Flam said. “It's only natural for Applejack to be curious. After all, we didn't explain it to her like we did to you.”
“You see,” Flim continued, facing Applejack, “we have several irons in the fire at any point. Even if the last one had very... questionable results – I'll admit there were several mistakes on our part – it is only a temporary setback. One of our many ideas is bound to come to fruition very soon.”
“All of them completely honest, of course,” Flam added. “Rest assured, we have learned our lesson.”
“Then you plan on giving everypony their money back?” Applejack asked.
“Naturally,” Flim said. “We couldn't possibly keep our illegitimately gained assets. These past weeks we have been seeking the ponies we wronged and already returned several hundred—”
“—Thousand!” Flam interrupted.
“—Several thousand bits to their rightful owners.”
“What about Granny Smith?” Apple Bloom asked innocently. “Did you return any money to her yet?” Applejack had never loved her sister so much in her life.
“Come to think of it,” Granny Smith said, “you never said anything to me about returnin' any bits. Why's that?”
The two brothers exchanged a worried look.
“That's because of... reasons,” Flim said.
“Lots of reasons,” Flam added. “Good reasons, if I may say so myself.”
“But don't you worry about that, Granny Smith. Here,” Flima said as he gave her one of her bottles. “Have one of our miraclive, curative tonics, and you'll see, you'll feel all better.”
“I suppose that's as good an idea as any,” she said before she drank it all up in a matter of seconds. “And if you think about it, you did leave me all that tonic. Even if it's just beet leaves and apple juice, that's gotta be worth somethin'.”
“That's right,” Flam said. “The tonic is all yours, and yours only. In fact, you shouldn't be sharing it with anypony else. And better finish at least three every day, since it's what keeps you young and confident.” He slowly nudged another one her way.
This was when it finally dawned on Applejack what was going on. The Flimflam brothers' scheme now seemed blatantly obvious to her. “Excuse me, granny,” she said, getting up. “May I borrow these two gentlecolts for a quick talk in another room?”
“Isn't that a bit unorthodox?” Flim asked.
“Maybe,” Applejack admitted, already drawing back Flam's chair, “but I reckon the two of you would much rather hear what I have to say—” She leaned down to whisper in his ear. “—in private.”
Flam jumped up. “Now that I think about it, it sounds like a perfectly valid suggestion. Come, brother of mine, let's get going.”
“Alright, you kids do what you think is right,” Granny Smith said. “Just, don't be too long.”
“We won't,” Applejack said, guiding the two of them into the kitchen and closing the door behind her.
She made sure it was completely shut before she started to speak: “I know what the two of you are up to and I won't let you get away with it.”
“Whatever do you mean?” Flim asked. “I can promise you, our intentions with your dear Granny Smith are perfectly honorable. It may seem a little odd to you, but we can see her for the sweet little raisin that she is. And judging from her behavior, it seems she feels the same towards—”
“It's the tonic, isn't it!?” Applejack interrupted. “I don't know how it works exactly, but somehow you use that tonic to brainwash her into liking you. Why else would you have left it behind?”
The two brothers gasped in surprise. Their wide eyes and slack jaws wandered repeatedly, from Applejack to each other and back again.
“What wild accusations,” Flim said.
“What baseless allegations,” Flam added.
“What hurtful slander!” they both found.
“Even if it were possible,” Flim continued after a moment he and his brother took to regain their composure, “where would we even get a tuft of cloud, a bright rainbow's glow and a pegasus feather?”
“And how would we get her to look at a picture of us after drinking any?” Flam argued. “Otherwise she'd just be falling in love with somepony else.”
Applejack deadpanned: “You think I didn't notice the giant portraits of you on the label?”
This new revelation sent the two brothers into a huddle. “Suppose you did catch us,” Flam said after brief deliberation, “what would you be inclined to do in that case?”
“I ought to tie you up, throw you out, and let you wiggle your way back to whatever place you came from.”
The two brothers quickly backed off a step.
“But,” Applejack continued, “I'm not gonna do that. Even if it's just because of your fake tonic, Granny Smith has taken a liking to the two of you, and I don't wanna break her heart. So I'm gonna spare you, we're gonna sit through dinner quietly, and then you're gonna let her down easy. Understand?”
“Deal!” Flim instantly agreed, offering his hoof for a shake.
Applejack knocked it down. “I wasn't negotiating.” She led the way back to the dining room. “Now come on. We've already wasted enough time.”
Once they were back at the dinner table and the proper apologies were made, Applejack started the main course, an apple casserole specially prepared by her granny. There wasn't as much as a hint of conversation while everypony ate.
“Say,” Granny Smith said to Flim and Flam once they had finished their plates, “you been awfully quiet ever since you got back. Somethin' the matter?”
The two brothers shared a brief and sincere look. Applejack couldn't help but grin at what she knew was about to happen.
“Actually,” Flim began, “there is something we need to tell you and we'd better do it sooner than later.”
“First off,” Flam said, “let me tell you what a darling flower and amazing hostess you've been all evening. It's been as great a date as any of us ever had.”
“That's what makes this so hard for us to say.”
“But we need to get this out in the open.”
“The thing is—”
“—we thought about it—”
“—and decided that—”
“—it would best for us all if—”
“—we moved in with you,” the two of them finished.
“What!?” Applejack shouted, stamping the table so hard, her knife and fork fell off to either side of the table.
“We know it's unconventional to ask this on a first date,” Flam quickly followed up, “and you're much too classy a lady to agree to this for just anypony without thinking, but we'll be damned if our love isn't something special that allows us to do so and will help us make it through.”
At first, Granny Smith was in too much shock to respond. Only slowly could she start to make heads or tails of the situation. “Well...” she said after a while.
She looked back and forth between her two suitors. Both were caressing one of her hooves each and both were staring at her with irresistible puppy-dog eyes. “Aww, shucks,” she decided. “I do feel the same way, so there's no reason not to do it.”
“You can't be serious!” Applejack was trembling from head to toe. Only with the utmost determination was she able to stop her voice from coming out completely shaky. “These are the Flimflam brothers we're talking about! You can't move in with somepony like that. Especially not after only your first date!”
“Oh, hush now, little one,” Granny Smith said. “You might be too young to understand what it's like to be in love, but if you meet somepony it just feels right with, you know you can move at a much faster pace.”
“But they're only using you!” Applejack shouted. “You don't even like them. You only think that because they turned their phony cure into some fancy magical love potion. They're lying and deceiving crooks, who only want to take advantage of you.”
Now it was Granny Smith's turn to stamp the table. “I won't let you talk about them this way. I didn't raise you to walk up to your guest and belittle them like that. We Apples show anypony who comes into our home the utmost hospitality. And if you can't live under this here roof like a proper Apple, you're not gonna live under this roof at all. You're gonna spend the night outside.”
“But Granny Smith—” Applejack pleaded.
“No buts! I said outside!”
Applejack turned towards her brother. “You can't possibly be okay with this. Come on and say something.”
Hesitating no longer, Big Macintosh straightened himself and looked his granny in the eye with absolute determination. “I—”
“If I hear one more word outta your mouth, you're gonna join your sister in a night under the stars,” Granny Smith threatened.
Within a second, Big Macintosh slumped right back into his usual reserved demeanor, shrugging at his sister apologetically.
“Fine!” Applejack shouted. “If that's what you want, I'll go.”
She quickly turned around so her granny wouldn't see the tears now freely falling from her face. With a quick stop at the closet to grab a sleeping back, she ran out the door, into the setting sun.
* * *
Although it was long past midnight, Applejack still couldn't sleep. It wasn't because of the rocks she was lying on. It wasn't because of the scorching heat inside her sleeping bag. It wasn't even because of all the mosquitoes that had declared open season on her. This was strictly because she still hadn't figured out a way to fix things.
Flim and Flam had taken a gamble. It was likely that they had been meaning to take things with Granny Smith much slower, but when they found themselves caught by Applejack they needed to improvise. In a move of desperation, they hoped they could utilize the hoofhold they had with Granny Smith. They had succeeded fully, and even managed to drive herself out of the house.
But if they could do it, Applejack realized, so could she. She'd only need to up the ante even further, then eventually, they would have to give up their little games. And a plan was already developing in her head.
Turning to her side, she shooed away another mosquito. When sunrise came, she'd be ready. She'd put an end to this scheme, be it for better or worse.
* * *
As soon as the first sunbeams hit her, Applejack got up. She had figured out all the details she needed for her plan to work and there was no need to delay things any further. It was time and she was ready. And the first step would be to talk to Granny Smith.
“Granny Smith?” she shouted as she entered her home again. “I came to apologize.”
“Upstairs,” Granny Smith replied simply.
Applejack promptly made her way up there. “Like I said, I'm sorry,” she said through the closed door of Granny Smith's room. “You were right. I shouldn't have gotten all flared up at this and I shouldn't have called Flim and Flam crooks. They didn't deserve that.”
Granny Smith opened the door, greeting her in a shower cap. “Apology accepted, dear,” she said. “But I'm not the only one you should be apologizing to.”
“You're right, granny. Thanks,” she said, darting off towards her guest room.
She knocked on the door. “Flim, Flam, are you up?”
“Ugh, what time is it?” came a voice from inside. “Still this early? What's wrong with these ponies!?”
“I came to apologize to you,” she said.
“Fine, whatever,” another voice from inside said. “Just give us a couple of minutes and we'll meet you downstairs.”
“Will do. I will wait for you in the kitchen,” she told them as she turned to leave. On the inside she was smiling from ear to ear.
About ten minutes later, Flim and Flam followed her downstairs, finding Applejack sitting at the breakfast table. They seemed fresh and well rested, despite the obvious fact they weren't used to getting up this early in the morning.
“Now then,” Flim said, straightening a loose strand of hair in passing, “I believe you said something about an apology.”
“Maybe apology isn't the right word. I mean you and I all know what this is really about.” She paused to see if they had any objections. When there came none, she hung her head theatrically. “But the truth of the matter is that you outsmarted me. I have to admit when I've been bested. You two are just too good.”
“I'm glad you've come to see reason,” Flam said. “It's probably better for us to get along, now that we're all living under the same roof.”
“It's almost like your family,” Applejack added.
“Exactly.”
“Precisely.”
“And now that you're a part of our family, it's best to let you in on a little secret,” she said.
She leaned over the table to get a little bit closer. Once she was sure she had their undivided attention, she continued: “Each member of the Apple family will stick his neck out for any other member. No matter the cost, no matter how dangerous or painful it is, we will always be there for each other.”
At this point she couldn't hide the grin from her face any longer. “You should also know, us Apples never go down without a proper fight.”
Before they could even begin to fathom what was happening, Applejack was already shouting through the entire house: “That's great news! Boy, you sure got me exited! I can't wait to tell everypony else!”
Just like expected, the entire Apple household was immediately up and about, quickly galloping towards the dining room.
“What's this ruckus all about,” Granny Smith asked when she entered last.
Before saying anything, Applejack got up to give her granny a big hug. “You won't believe what just happened,” she said once she had released her. “Flim and Flam just asked for your hoof in marriage.”
“We did what!?” they both screamed at the top of their lungs.
“They came to me first to ask my permission,” Applejack continued unfazed. “They said they didn't want to do it if it caused any bad blood between us. If they were gonna do it, they wanted the whole family's support behind them. Otherwise, it wouldn't make any sense, they said. Ain't that right, boys?”
“I... We...”
Applejack knew she had to act fast, before they'd be able to form any proper defense. “So what do you say, granny? Will you marry them?”
“Of course I will,” Granny Smith replied. “It's gonna be the happiest day of your life.”
“And there you haven't even kissed yet,” Applejack observed, wiping a fake tear from her eye. “I know: why don't you seal the engagement with your very first kisses.” She turned to Flim and Flam. “Wouldn't that be the most romantic thing ever.”
“That's a great idea, Applejack,” Granny said as she ran at Flam to make it a reality. “Come here you, and give me a big smooch. I wanna taste that mustache.”
Flam let out a girly scream as he barely managed to duck under the attack. “I think that job was clearly meant for you, brother of mine,” he said as he shoved Flim in front of himself.
“You heard what she said, brother,” Flim said as he shoved his brother right back to the front. “She's clearly into mustaches.”
“But it's a well known fact that you got the looks of the family, while I've got the brains.”
“Now don't sell yourself under worth. You look absolutely stunning in a tuxedo, and I'm sure Granny Smith has noticed too.”
They shuffled each other around a couple more times, but they soon had to realize that all their shifting, fidgeting, and dodging were no match to the relentless assault of Granny Smith's puckered lips.
“It seems we're in way over our heads, brother of mine,” Flim eventually decided.
“It would appear we haven't thought this properly through,” Flam agreed. “I suggest a tactical retreat to reassess our current situation.”
“I second that suggestion,” Flim said, grabbing his hat and tossing the other one to his brother. They rapidly grabbed the few other possessions they had brought and went out the door.
Applejack stifled a laugh. Her plan had worked out perfectly and she had bested them at their own game. But this was no laughing matter. There was still one issue to attend to, and it would be something that needed a little more time to fix.
* * *
Once it was evening, Applejack hoped the effects of the tonic had finally worn off and Granny Smith would be finally back to her old self.
She knocked on her granny's door. “Granny Smith? Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
Applejack opened the door and found her granny lying in bed. She sat down right by her bedside and gently petted her back. “You wanna talk about it?” she offered.
“What's there to talk about?” Granny Smith said. “You were completely right and I was as stubborn as a mule and didn't listen.”
“But it wasn't your fault. The tonic made you do it.”
Granny Smith sat up. “Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. I know that part of me liked the attention. You know, when I was your age, all the town's stallions were all over me. I suppose it was just something to help me feel young.” She sighed slowly. “Sure felt good to be loved again. Even if it was all just fake.”
Applejack slid a little bit closer. “But you already got me for that. And Big Mac and Apple Bloom. I mean, I reckon it's not the same kind of love, but at least it's the real thing. I love you, Granny Smith.”
Granny Smith shot her a weak smile. “I suppose you're right. I love you too, Applejack.”
The younger mare offered her forelegs and the older one gladly took them as they embraced each other tightly on the bed.
“And I figure you're right about another thing,” Granny Smith said.
“And what's that?”
“If I do wanna date I can always ask out Mr. Waddles. He's somepony who's always treated me right. And a real hunk for his age.”
Applejack chuckled. “If that's what you want, I'll support you all the way,” she said. “I'm sure it can't go any worse than with Flim and Flam.”
In return, Granny Smith hugged her granddaughter a little bit tighter.
“You know,” she began after a moment, “he has a grandson your age.”
“I do know that,” Applejack said.
“And you're not getting' any younger. You wait any longer, your best years will have come and gone, and all you got left to choose are either the stupid or the ugly ones.”
“Granny, don't ruin the moment.”
But it was too late already. The moment was already ruined.
