La vie est drôle!

by Lucky Seven

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Crossover
Length: 4167

The Grand Couturier herself, Nui Harime, ends up in Equestria

In an alternate version of Kill la Kill, Nui Harime is still alive. With her mother having been defeated, yet lacking the strength to take revenge on those who had made her life so miserable, she has become a drifter. No, not of Earth, but of the Universe. Travelling far and wide, she visits many planets before stumbling upon one that really intrigues her. After all, since when were talking horses normal?

—

This story is undergoing a rewrite, and the chapters will be posted as they are completed. I hope you enjoy this version much more than the original!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-02 19:07:02 UTC

Chapter One

La vie est drôle!

Chapter One

Written by Harime Nui

“It’s over, Nui.”

As the Grand Couturier looked at Ryuko and her friends, her heart sank. It was… over? But that was impossible! They had followed the plan to a ‘T’, they were supposed to win! How could these humans just up and thwart it so easily? Well, whatever the case, Nui was clearly not happy. Slowly rising up from her hands and knees, she once again looked at everyone surrounding her.

Though it was less than wise, all she could think of doing was vivisecting everyone around her. They deserved nothing less for taking her mommy away from her, not to mention cutting off her arms. And yet…

“Not yet…” she muttered just loudly enough for Ryuko to hear her.

“Huh?”

Everyone watched, baffled, as Nui changed the form of her arms into that of wings and began lifting off of the ground. Was she… running away?

“I can’t get my revenge yet, but rest assured, you filth,” the pig tailed girl began replying as she picked up speed, “I’ll get stronger, and I will come back to finish you all off.”

Before anybody could respond, Nui took off into the sky in a flash, intent on leaving that stupid planet behind. The whole thing, ‘having friends’, made her absolutely sick. ‘Only weaklings take solace in having friends’. That’s what her mom had told her so many years ago, and as it turned out, she was wrong. Those freaks were anything but weak, and she stood no chance against them as she was now. After all, all she had on her person was her trusty umbrella, but that wouldn’t do much against an opponent like Ryuko.

Yes, for now, Nui had to do something she never thought she would.

Admit defeat.

--- Elsewhere, One Month Later ---

“Twilight, when did you say the parade was supposed to start, again?”

“In about two minutes, Rainbow Dash. To be completely honest, though, I’m surprised you of all ponies decided to come watch it with me.”

“Are you kidding? Princess Luna is awesome!”

Giggling, Twilight responded, “She is pretty cool.”

“How come nobody else wanted to come and see her, Twilight?”

“They were all busy, I guess. I know Spike and Rarity are working on some dress for some high class customer, but as far as the others, I’m not sure.”

“Well to hay with them, we can have fun without ‘em!”

“Oh, it’s about to start, Rainbow!”

As Twilight and Rainbow Dash pushed themselves through the gathering crowd and to the edge of the sidewalk they found themselves on, an announcer began speaking.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, as you know, today is a day that needs no announcement!” As the ponies gathered throughout Canterlot began to cheer, the announcer chuckled. “But the princesses are paying me for this, so I may as well say it. Today is the Winter Moon Festival! So, without further ado, Princess Luna!”

As her name was exclaimed, the midnight blue alicorn teleported onto her float and began waving to all the cheering ponies in the streets. This was certainly new for her. For too long, she had lived in the shadow of her older sister, but Celestia had finally decided it was time to put an end to that. She could feel a few tears form in her eyes, but she paid them no attention. All that mattered was giving these ponies the show of a lifetime.

As the fireworks throughout the town began to fire into the air and explode beautifully, Luna yelled out to the crowd.

“Let the Winter Moon Festival begin!”

--- Ponyville, Same Time ---

“Wow, do you see that, Rarity?” Spike asked the unicorn next to him, pointing to what he was talking about. As Rarity turned her head to look as well, the sight left her stunned.

“Well, it seems as if Princess Luna decided to pull out all the stops for today,” she observed. Indeed, Canterlot seemed to be glowing as fireworks raged above the city. It was truly a sight to behold, and she could only be angry at herself for choosing not to go.

“I wonder if Twilight and Rainbow Dash are having fun,” Spike stated idly, taking a bite from the apple in his hand. “Aw, who am I kidding, they’re having a blast.”

“Spike, what have I told you about talking with your mouth full? It’s very unbecoming.”

Spike blushed and quickly stammered out an apology, but his focus shifted quickly back to the fireworks above Canterlot. They were… amazing. But still, something seemed… off. “Hey, Rarity, are fireworks supposed to go down instead of up?”

“Hm?”

“That firework, up there,” Spike pointed, “it’s going down.”

Rarity followed Spike’s gaze and spotted the firework herself. Though, her reaction was much different than his. “Well, that certainly is interesting. I’ve never seen anything like it…”

“What do you think it is, Rarity?”

“I’m not entirely sure, Spike. But it seems to be picking up speed quite quickly.”

“It’s getting bigger, too,” Spike observed. Sure enough, the glow around the object was getting larger by the second. A look of terror washed over Rarity’s face as she finally realized what she was looking at.

“It’s a meteor, Spike! And it’s headed right for Canterlot!”

“Huh? But shouldn’t meteors, um, what was that word Twilight used…”

“They normally disintegrate, yes Spike, but this one must be rather large. And what’s worse, there’s no way for the ponies there to see it through the fireworks!”

“W-what do we do?!” the drake practically yelled in response.

“Idea!” exclaimed Rarity after a few moments. Opening the saddlebags she was wearing, she took out her shopping list and a quill. Turning the list around, she began writing on the back of it with haste. After a few seconds, she practically shoved it into Spike’s hands. “There, send that to Princess Luna, dearie.”

“Oh… that’s a good idea, Rarity!” Spike quickly drew in a breath, raised the piece of paper up to his mouth, and let out a burst of flames. As the note disappeared, Rarity commented.

“I only hope that they have time to evacuate.”

--- Canterlot ---

“Citizens of Equestria, it is with great pleasure that I, Princess Luna--” Luna was cut off by a small piece of paper appearing directly in front of her, causing a certain pony who was still watching to let out an audible gasp.

“What is Spike thinking!? He can’t just interrupt the festival like that!”

“Whoa, Twilight, chill out,” her rainbow maned friend attempted to calm her down,”I’m sure he had a good reason.”

As Luna’s eyes scanned over the paper before her, Twilight and Rainbow Dash could see them widen. “Lieutenant Swift Wing!”

The pony Luna called quickly flew over to her, ready for any orders. “I need you to organize an evacuation, Swift Wing.”

“What is wrong, Princess?”

“I’ve just received warning of a meteor about to hit Canterlot.”

Seeing how serious the situation was, Swift Wing asked no more questions. Instead, he turned around and began yelling orders to the ponies gathered in the streets. Orders to get out of Canterlot.

Without thinking, Twilight ran past him, Rainbow Dash right behind her. They reached Princess Luna within a few seconds, and she was barraged with questions almost instantly. Though, she could only answer one.

“I don’t know, Twilight, I can’t see the meteor through all those blasted fireworks. Heh, I guess being flashy wasn’t the best idea after all. But if your friend Rarity claims we are in danger, I will take it seriously every time.”

“Wait, how do you know Rarity sent the note?”

“It was written on the back of a shopping list, and the only things on the list are clothing related.”

“Well, regardless, you should evacuate with everyone else, Princess.”

“No, I will remain here to ensure everyone gets out of the streets safely. It is my duty as princess to ensure to the safety of mine and my sisters subjects.”

“Hey, uh, not to barge in on your conversation,” Rainbow Dash interrupted, “but look.” She pointed up in the sky, and it seemed that the last of the fireworks had finally faded away, leaving only one thing in view.

“Oh no, that’s too close!” Twilight exclaimed. “It’s gonna hit within seconds! Get down! Take cover!” she cried out, diving behind Luna’s float. The other two ponies did the same, and all they could do was wait.

And wait…

“Alright, is that thing gonna hit any time so--” Rainbow Dash was cut off by a deafening boom, and a high pitched squealing overtook her. Covering her ears in shock, she attempted to raise her head over the side of the float and see the crater. Smoke clouded her vision, however, and she fell into a fit of coughing. It could be worse though, she thought. It could have landed on them, after all.

Eventually, after minutes of waiting, the smoke finally began to clear. As the three ponies climbed over Luna’s float and towards the crater, they began waving away the last of the smoke. Before they could see what was in the crater, however, Swift Wing landed at Luna’s side. “Princess, are you alright!? That thing hit really close to you guys!”

“I assure you, I am quite alright, Lieutenant. However, I would like to see myself just how large this meteor was.”

“Very well.”

It wasn’t as if she needed his permission, but Luna had always wanted her guards to act as if they were her equals. As she peered into the crater, however, it wasn’t a meteor that she saw.

“It’s a… creature.”

“Huh?” was all the three ponies behind her could say in response. As if to show them, though, the creature slowly got up onto its feet. It was bipedal, Luna noted to herself, and it seemed to be wearing clothes as well. So maybe it was sophisticated? Or maybe it was here to wreak havoc and take over the planet, like in all those movies. Breaking her out of her thoughts, though, was the fact that the creature was now out of the crater and standing directly in front of her.

“Um, hello?”

“Hi!” it responded in earnest, in possibly the cutest voice Luna had ever heard. Collectively, the jaws of every pony within view of the scene went agape. “Kono basho daisuki!”

“Careful, Princess, she’s speaking some creepy alien language!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed to Luna, to which the Princess could only facehoof.

“Rainbow Dash, she’s speaking Neighpon,” Twilight informed her friend.

She was about to respond, but Luna’s own speaking cut her off. “Anata no namae wa nan desuka?”

“What did she just say?”

“Harime Nui da!” the creature responded happily. It was clear that this ‘Harime Nui’ was a girl, but it definitely wasn’t clear what species she was. Luna, meanwhile, decided that while speaking in Neighpon came easily to her, she’d rather not have to do it.

“Hajimemashite. Eigo wa dekimasu ka?”

“I do indeed!”

“Why are you here?”

“To have fun!” she replied oddly. “Hehe, you look really cute, with your horn and your wings and your butt tattoo!”

Luna blushed instantly, never having heard someone refer to their cutie marks quite like that. Before she could respond, though, Swift Wing did for her. “That is Princess Luna, ruler of the night and of our kingdom! You will show her respect!”

It had been a while since he had heard someone talk so disrespectfully to one of the princesses, and he didn’t like it one bit. After all, he’d do anything to protect their reputation.

“Hm… nah! Why should I respect a girly little horse?”

“Why you…” before anyone could react, Swift Wing was charging at Nui. Just as he was about to reach her, however, she disappeared from his view. As everyone looked around for her confusedly, he brought himself to a halt, stopping himself from falling into the crater she had crawled out of. “Where did she go?”

As if to answer his question, he felt someone tapping on his flank. As he turned around, he was met with the girl. “I don’t think I like you very much.”

Raising her hand up in front of his snout, she giggled. “Bye bye!”

Everyone was left wondering what she meant by that until she flicked out her middle finger and it made contact with his nose. As he was sent flying back into the crater, they heard her giggle once more. Only this time, it sounded far more grim to their ears.

Chapter Two

La vie est drôle!

Chapter Two

Written by Harime Nui

“H-how did…”

“I don’t know, Rainbow Dash, but Princess Luna looks mad…” Twilight pointed out, seeing that Luna was giving flashes of red in her mane.

“How dare you!” exclaimed the stunned alicorn of the night, her mane seemingly becoming a raging fire for a split second. Without a second thought, she took to the air and flew right at Nui, intent on avenging her fallen guard. Just as she reached the pig-tailed girl, however, Nui turned around and threw her arms forward, grabbing Luna’s hooves in her hands. As the two struggled to move against one another, Nui let out another giggle.

“This is fun!”

“You… like fighting?”

“I prefer to use the word ‘playing’, but yeah! What’s life without a fight every now and then?” Nui asked rhetorically, slowly lifting her arms upwards until Luna was above her. Then, to Luna’s shock, she let go. Instead of crashing into Nui, though, the alicorn plummeted straight into the ground. As she shook her head to get herself out of the funk she found herself in, her vision was shrouded by a shadow.

“I suppose you think that was funny,” she stated dryly to the girl in front of her, who responded with yet another giggle. “Well, I hope you’re ready for round two,” she continued, slowly lifting herself off of the ground.

“What do you think she’s gonna do, Twilight?”

“I’m not sure, Rainbow, but it might be best if we move away a bit.”

“Yeah, good call,” Dash agreed, looking at the area around them. With debris everywhere, it was basically a hazard just to walk around, let alone be near a fight that involved a pissed off alicorn. As she and Twilight began to walk away, she looked back at Luna, who was back on her feet.

“This time, you won’t have such an easy time blocking my attack!” exclaimed Luna as she aimed her horn towards the skinny girl in front of her. That pink dress of hers was about to be reduced to ash with the rest of her. Nui watched uninterestedly as a blue light formed on the tip of Luna’s horn, even going as far as to yawn, only causing the alicorn to get even angrier.

“Take this, you pink she-demon!”

With the force of a cannon, Luna fired the ball of magic at the blonde girl, her eyes glazing over white in the process. Nui, having finally taken notice of the power behind Luna’s attack, had no time to dodge. As the ball struck her stomach, an immense pain overtook her. If she didn’t do something to stop this attack, it could be the end for her. And so, she did what she had done to that green haired fellow at Honnouji.

“W-what?! But, but how!” was all Luna could sputter out as she watched Nui seemingly turn paper thin and spin away from the ball of magic, which continued on its course. The building it struck was overtaken by a blinding flash of light, and as it faded away, nothing was left of it but ash.

Nui, meanwhile, seemed to be whole again, and Luna could do nothing but ask, “how did you do that?!”

“Uh uh uh, a girl never shares her secrets on the first date!” Nui exclaimed, winking at Luna.

“Twilight,” Luna yelled at the purple unicorn who had taken cover in a nearby alleyway, “take Swift Wing to the nearest hospital while I deal with this girl.”

“But Princess, you can’t possibly handle this by yourself!” Twilight shouted back at Luna.

“Twilight, you would do nothing more than get yourself hurt, now go,” the night princess replied calmly.

Letting out a sigh, she realized that Luna was probably right. There was no point in entering a fight she had no chance in. Quickly, Twilight teleported herself to the aforementioned guard. Scanning over his body, she saw no signs of anything serious, but it was very possible that he had suffered internal damage. Carefully, she lifted him up with her magic and teleported away, leaving a pissed off alicorn, a seemingly very promiscuous girl, and one Rainbow Dash.

“Kick her butt, Luna! Show her what for!” yelled said rainbow maned pony from the alleyway.

“I probably shouldn’t use this next technique, but I have been saving it for a situation just like this one,” Luna stated to herself, looking at the ground. After a couple seconds, she looked back up at Nui. Never before had she encountered a creature like this one. She seemed so naive and innocent, but she was as skilled at fighting as anyone Luna had ever seen.

Nui’s smile grew a bit at Luna’s words, but she didn’t respond. Rather, she waited for Luna to make her first move. And make her first move she did, only this time, Nui was unable to track her movement. So quick Luna had moved, that when she reappeared in front of Nui, the blonde girl had a look of horror on her face. Flapping her wings to stay off the ground, Luna smirked and threw her hoof forward, connecting it with Nui’s jaw. She was sent flying, but Luna didn’t relent one bit.

“Now fall to my Shooting Star Technique!”

As Nui flew through the air, she couldn’t help but wonder what the indigo pony meant. That is, until she glanced up and found herself looking right at said pony. Using her front hooves, Luna slammed Nui downwards, then back up again just as quickly. Her movements were too quick for Nui to defend against, and as the blonde girl was being thrown around, all she could think of was how she was going to make this horse pay dearly.

Eventually, after having smacked Nui around for what felt like minutes, Luna decided it was time to wrap things up. After hitting Nui one more time, she took to the air, hovering about twenty feet above the girl. Finally, Nui was able to see the pony once more, and her happy grin had been replaced entirely by a scowl the likes of which Luna hadn’t seen since Sombra.

“You’re mine, Harime!”

As Luna began flying down at Nui, the blonde girl’s scowl transformed into a smirk. As Luna reached her and was preparing to unleash a devastating blast of magic at point blank range, Nui laughed madly. Before she could react, Luna found herself flying away from the girl and smashing into the same crater she had made upon arriving on the planet.

“I don’t like to get my parasol dirty, but you left me no choice!”

Luna, unshaken by the impact, blinked confusedly at Nui. She had been smacked away by an… umbrella? That was most definitely a new one. “So, you still have some fight left in you,” she remarked, raising back onto her hooves. This one was certainly an interesting foe. But hey, Luna wasn’t complaining. It had been a while since she had been able to let loose and have a real battle like this, after all.

“See, you’re having fun, too!” Nui happily informed Luna, to which the alicorn smirked.

“Maybe so, but I fight for good, not for fun. Now show me what you’ve got…”

“Nope, I’m done!”

“W-what?” Luna muttered. “What do you mean you’re done?!”

“Yeah, you can’t stop the fight just because she started wailing on you!” Rainbow Dash yelled angrily from the sidelines.

“I just want to have fun,” Nui responded, sounding a little sad.

“B-but I thought you said you found fighting fun?”

“I do, but now I’m bored,” she replied boredly. “You’re boring.”

“But it was just starting to get interesting!” Luna yelled back in response. Rainbow Dash, unwilling to sit idly any longer, surprised both Nui and Luna by flying at the prior. Nui, however, moved slightly to the left, causing Rainbow Dash to fly right past her and head first into the building behind her.

“Ow…”

“That is enough!”

Shocked at hearing that voice, Luna  looked around for the source. After a couple seconds, she found it. As the pony above her began lowering towards the ground in between herself and Nui, Luna let out a sigh. It looked like her fun was over.

As the solar princess’s hooves touched the ground, she addressed her sister without turning her head in the slightest, instead focused on the girl in front of her. “When someone says they are done fighting, they are done fighting, Luna.”

Not giving a chance for Luna to respond, Celestia began speaking to the girl in front of her.  “And you, have done nothing but cause trouble since you arrived in my kingdom. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“It was all in good fun!”

“All in good fun? Look around you. This area of my city lay in ruins, all because you wanted to have ‘fun’?” Celestia asked, her mask of niceness having been removed. In its place was a face filled with anger.

“Be wary, sister,” Luna began warning Celestia, “this one is much like Discord.”

“Yeah, and she’s a real jerk, too!” Rainbow Dash yelled from the sidelines, her first words since she crashed.

“Nui, is it?” Celestia asked the girl in front of her, trying to calm down a bit in the process.

“Mhm!”

“Nui, you have five seconds to apologize before I bring down the wrath of the Sun upon you.”

“But why should I apologize when they started it?”

“WHAT’S THAT, YOU DEMON?!” Luna angrily yelled from behind Celestia, only to be hushed by her.

“Luna, hush. Explain, now,” she ordered Nui.

“Well, when I landed, that horsie over there started talking to me and I called her silly, then this other pony got mad at me and said ‘you will show her respect’,” Nui began explaining, doing a nearly perfect impression of Swift Wing in the process.

“Then what happened, Nui?”

“I said no, and he got mad and charged at me, so I flicked him away!”

“Is this true, Luna?” Celestia asked her sister, who tried to sputter out an excuse, only for Celestia to assert herself, “Luna, is what this girl said true or not?”

“Ahem, um, yes. But she disrespected not only myself, but a royal guard!”

Letting out a sigh, Celestia facehoofed. “You can’t attack someone for being ‘disrespectful’, Luna.”

“But she attacked Swift Wing!” Luna yelled in response, to which Celestia shook her head.

“If what this girl said is to be believed, and you confirmed it, it was in self defense.”

“YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS, SISTER!”

“Very. We have laws here for a reason, and Swift Wing violated one when he chose to rush at someone who has every right to voice their opinion,” Celestia explained, causing Luna to curse under her breath. “But… I think being knocked out by a flick to the nose was punishment enough for your Lieutenant.”

At that, Luna let out a sigh of relief, but that relief was quickly shattered by Celestia’s next words.

“You, on the other hand, can consider yourself grounded.”

“You can NOT be serious, sister. Seriously, you can not be serious right now.”

“Would you rather spend a night in the dungeons, Luna?”

Luna’s eyes widened at the mention of that accursed place, and she took to the air and began flying to the castle in an instant. “Okay, see you Nui it was fun we’ll continue this never!”

“Now, as for you…” Celestia began, looking back towards Nui.

“Are you going to fight me now? Oh, that would simply be amazing!”

“No, but you’re going to come back to the castle with me. I’d like to have a word with you, in private.”

“Aww, that sounds boring! For colorful horsies, you guys sure aren’t much fun...”

“Tough,” Celestia retorted. It had been a while since she had acted this way. The kind, calm princess that everyone knew was gone for the moment, replaced by a determined, upset one. Without uttering another word, she teleported both herself and Nui away in a flash of light, leaving just one pony at the site of the battle.

As Rainbow Dash let out a frustrated sigh and took to the air, she thought to herself. Boy, was she going to have quite the story for the others...

Chapter Three

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter Four

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.