Whorn: A Debutante's Dark Descent Into Debauchery

Dear Diary,

I do hope that you’re ready for an earful (or would that be a pageful?) because have I got one (actually, several) for you!

It all started off with a marvelous breakfast – right after I gave my darling Opalescence her breakfast, that is. As I mashed her tuna and shrimp pate into her crystal bowl to blend the sauce into it, the most curious thing happened. Just before Opal began to eat, she actually rubbed against my foreleg affectionately! Can you believe it? Opal wuvs her mama! Eeee! I cannot remember the last time she did that! Although I was quite pleasantly surprised by this display, I knew better than to tempt fate and so I opted not to pet her. I knew at that moment that this was an omen. It was going to be a perfect day.

As for my own breakfast, my Omelette a la Rarity turned out tres magnifique! I’m certain that Mother, Father and Sweetie Belle would have found it as pleasing to the taste buds as it was to the eye – right before drowning my culinary masterpiece in an ocean of ketchup. :( No matter. I can’t expect everypony in Ponyville to have my refined tastes. While we’re on the subject of having company, more often than not, I find myself fantasizing about how nice it would be to have a handsome stallion with whom I can share a meal on a regular basis. One who knows how to cook... and make me breakfast in bed... and give me a hoof massage while I eat!

Too much? A mare can dream, can’t she?

After washing the dishes (which is another task that my dream stallion would have done for me) I took a shower, groomed myself, and headed to the spa for a relaxing session of being pampered alongside Fluttershy. Aloe and Lotus are always happy to see their two favorite customers in their establishment but today they would receive a special treat: Fluttershy decided on a whim that she wanted to do something new with her mane.

My bird friends really like nestling inside my mane and getting all toasty and warm. The problem is that I have a lot of bird friends and they all like to gather there at the same time. Most of them only weigh a few ounces but ounces turn into pounds. Before I know it, I’ve become a walking birdhouse. It can be inconvenient and painful, not to mention noisy. The worst part (and I’m only saying this because I know they can’t read) is that the little dears tend to forget that my mane doesn’t come with indoor plumbing.

And I thought being a doormat was unpleasant.

They’ve never kept their fondness for Fluttershy’s mane a secret so imagine their surprise when they were finally given the opportunity to experiment with it. I must confess that I felt somewhat slighted by Fluttershy’s request as I am just as qualified to work on hair as Aloe and Lotus are. I’m a licensed graduate of The Ponyville Hair Stylist Academy, the same institution from which they received their training in all things hair related. Clothing design may be my stock and trade but my styling skills have not shown even the slightest hint of rust; I submit my own fine coiffeur as Exhibit A.

I never meant to hurt Rarity’s feelings by having Aloe and Lotus cut my hair. I hadn’t planned on getting my mane cut that day. It really was a spur of the moment decision. I try to disturb my friends as seldom as possible and I saw a manecut as a chore, not an honor or a privilege. If she wanted to work on my hair, she should have just said so.

I’m being immature, aren’t I, Diary? I am an adult and I shan’t allow a matter as trivial as this to get under my coat.

.>

:(

I wouldn’t have even charged Fluttershy.

Oh, now stop it, Rarity!

Isn’t she the cutest thing when she’s jealous? As I write this, Rarity has cut and styled my mane at her boutique over two dozen times and she continues to do a fantastic job as my go-to stylist. I’ve tried paying her for her work but she refuses to accept my bits. So instead of paying her directly, I visit Sugarcube Corner where they have a Simply Divine Intervention collection box and then make a donation of about what it costs for a salon visit. Try giving me back my bits now, marshmallow! (Author’s edit: I’ll take marshmallow over Rare any day.)

I suppose that I wouldn’t have been nearly as sensitive as I was had I not had a mountain of work waiting for me upon my return. The deadline for a three dress order was approaching and this would be the last day that I would be able to take time out for myself to relax. I had put it off long enough with personal projects and I would be working on these dresses to the exclusion of all other orders.

As Fluttershy walked me home from the spa, she spoke about how pleased she was with her new bob. It was a very bold choice of manestyle for Fluttershy considering her shyness and I’m surprised that she went with it in the first place – but the end result was nothing short of marvelous. Lotus outdid herself. Fluttershy didn’t lose one bit of her beauty.

I hadn’t worn my mane this short since I was a filly. It was so liberating. I felt so spry and frisky. It was as though I was a brand new mare. My pony friends all complimented me on how nice I looked. If only my bird friends had been as supportive. They didn’t speak to me for days after my manecut. They came around eventually and they apologized for being so petty and insensitive. I forgave them. I even brought them a surprise gift: a bag full of my hair that got cut off at the spa. They loved it! All of them worked together to weave the hair into a bunch of nests that are now spread throughout the cottage. Now we’re all one big happy feathered family again. Don’t you just love it when everything works out?

We were nearly at my boutique when I saw Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Twilight standing by my front door. They were all wearing T-shirts and they smiled as they greeted me. I asked them what they were doing here and they said that they were all volunteering to be my assistants for the day. They knew about my dress order and decided to help me with my workload. Applejack stood on her hind legs and showed me that they had their shirts made with my boutique's R logo on the front.

I know all about hard work and I thought that getting us all matching T-shirts was a good way to help build team spirit.

I wept.

I wept because I have been blessed with the most supportive and goodhearted friends a mare could ask for.

Also, because they were wearing garden variety T-SHIRTS with MY LOGO ON THEM! Had they completely taken leave of their senses? I’m a fashionista! As in high fashion! Does a dentist hire a pony with missing teeth to promote his or her business? No! Does a weight loss center hire an obese pony to advertise their services? No! So why on earth would they wear common T-shirts (unauthorized ones, at that) with my boutique’s beautiful logo on them in public?

She had a point. Everypony makes mistakes but this one was as boneheaded as it was innocent. It was a real facehoofer and I can't believe that it hadn't occurred to me.

I quickly ushered the girls inside, tore the hideous things off their backs, folded them neatly and incinerated them in my What Was I Thinking? bowl.

I hadn’t seen Rarity flip out like this since the time we all went to Manehattan together. I still don’t get what the big deal was. Lots of businesses have T-shirts with their logos on them. She’s just way fussy. Me, I know how to keep my cool. I ’ve learned to shrug off the fits she throws. I came to help a friend and that’s what I was going to do. That fire was pretty awesome. Fwooooosh!

She did reimburse me for what it cost me to get the shirts made so there’s that. I thought they made a nice touch but I can see why she didn’t want us wearing them out in public.

Yes, I have an enormous metal bowl in my home for the sole purpose of burning clothing “mistakes”. I haven’t had to use it often but what I have burned deserved a far worse fate. I pray that nopony saw those T-shirts. If anypony came into my shop asking for one, I don’t know what I’d do.

Drama queen.

Drama queen.

Drama queen.

Drama queen.

Drama queen.

(Author’s edit: You know, girls, my What Was I Thinking? bowl is big enough to accommodate a pony; five if they’re cut into tiny pieces first.)

The girls apologized for their lack of foresight and I apologized for my overreaction. Ultimately, their hearts were in the right place and they overlooked my little episode to help me. My order was completed and ready for shipment in a fraction of the time that it would have taken me to do on my own. With the time that was saved, I suggested that we have a slumber party. Everypony was up for it but they would need to run home and take care of a few things first.

As I write this entry, I await their return so that the party may commence. The silence is both deafening and thought provoking. I used to think that my career meant everything to me but that just isn’t so. My friends are what mean everything to me. I could be the most successful fashionista ever but without my friends and loved ones to share in my success, it would all be worthless. They love me and I love them. This must be the spark that resides within all of us that Twilight mentioned. When I think of how fortunate I am to have a career that I love and friends that I love who complete the life that I love... I find myself moved to tears.

I’m crying right now.

Me, too.

So am I.

Me, too.

I’ve got something in my eye.

We love you, Rarity.

Oh, how can I not show the stars above my gratitude for allowing me to be right where I am at this point in time with the most wonderful ponies around me? IDEA!! Tomorrow, I’m going to visit Ponyville Hospital and see if the children’s ward can find some use for ice cream, cake, balloons, confetti, party favors – and six clowns. I’m certain that my girls will love the idea of brightening up the otherwise gray day of some ill or infirm foals.

Til we meet again, dear Diary.

Hi.

I’m Pinkie Pie.

If this is your first time reading Whorn, the following chapter is where everything falls apart because of my ignorance and stupidity. The only cure for stupidity is to get smarter and I’ve gone back to school to further my education. It’s tough juggling classes and a job but I’m enjoying it. I plan on getting a degree in business. My goal is to run my own catering hall where ponies from all over Equestria can host their wedding receptions, graduation parties, birthday parties and anything else shindiggy.

Until I was asked along with the other girls to submit bonus material, I never read Whorn. I didn’t see the need to read it. I lived it. I was responsible for it. I don’t mind telling you that the money that I was offered was the main reason why I agreed to do this. Higher education isn't cheap. It was very hard for me to read this but I did and I feel... something. I don't know what I'm feeling but I'm moving forward because it's better than standing still. If my contribution to the bonus material makes you happy and got you to buy this book, that helps Rarity's charity so I guess that makes me feel happy.

Enjoy the rest of the book, first time readers.

At least one of us can.