The Mortality of a Fleeting Paradise

by Swimmingly

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Sex, Tragedy, Main 6, Big Macintosh, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Romance
Length: 3316

A human wakes up in equestria but his arrival is dwarfed by something much more "sinister"

Jae was a "normal" guy until a tragic skip roping accident caused him to wake up in a fridge in Ponyville, he wasn't complaining".

Antics ensue.

However he arrived as a major villain was gaining power in the east.
Fridges.

What will happen.

Note there is a human in equestria in this fic, but he's not the centre point he jut there for comic relief and when I can't think of a new idea.

Published 2014-04-06 22:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-13 18:37:36 UTC

Exposition

Twillight sparkle woke up screaming, no sooner than she was awake, spike was by her side.

"Twillight what happened, are you okay?" Spike asked with concern.

"Oh spike I'm fine, really it-it's just that" she looked up as if trying to remember some crucial piece of information, " I just had a nightmare is all, but thank you so much for checking on me" said twilight nuzzling spike affectionately.

Spike inquisitively scratched his chin "was it the one where you get sent back to magic kindergarden"

"No it was a new one, and anyways I haven't had the magic kindergarden dream for over two months, haven't you been reading my dream journal" she used her horn, the lavender light dimly illuminating the librarians bed room, to levitate a thick book, labeled "dream journal", over to them.

"This dream is nothing like any I've seen before" exclaimed twillight while she was frantically leafing through the book.

"Then what was it like" questioned the small dragon with trepidation.

At this time twillight was pacing up and down her room muttering about the next great pony war and discord's return to evil.

"TWILIGHT" spike yelled, knowing full well the only way to get her attention was to interrupt her.

"Hmm, oh yes the dream I had" she paused "actually spike it's pretty inappropriate, I don't think you'd understand what was happening, maybe I'll tell you later" she said with an air of finality.

"What, oh come on, please twillight" spike almost begged, deep down he knew it was pointless, trying to change twilights mind was like trying to make a frowning statue smile. Impossible.

Twillight went over to her window, she drew the curtains.

And screamed at what she saw...

What the fuck rarity has been up to

Nothing. She sucks.

Rainbows effed up kinks

"Fuck it, fuck you door you peice of shit I'll defeat you and get to that sweet applejack poon" screamed an enraged and clearly mentally lacking rainbow dash who had been thwarted by a fucking door.

She decided to use a sonic rainboom.

So she did.

Everyone died.

Applejack bolted upright from her dream realising how impossible it would be for rainbow to break in, and more importantly she knew her friend well enough to know that she would do something like that.

Just as she was about to fall back to sleep, she heard a cough.

She turned her bedside lamp on an what she saw made her scream...

What AJ saw

Rainbow dash duct taped to a ceiling fan fapping.

Questions for a queen

For some reason whoever jae hit his head he fell into a coma then woke up in a dream in a coma, after each of the 300 shoes that randomly fell from the sky, he fell into 300 different comas and woke up in 299 fridges.

But the 300th was a little different.

He found himself bound to a rotating plank table it was nearly upright, then pinkamena came up and was all like "dash, daaaaaaaaaaash, for some reason you get shipped with everything, but now I'm gonna kill ya and harvest ya fer mah cupcakes, ya see" she then did a horatio cane impression, so good the actual horatio cane died.

After taking of her sunglasses she realised the 'pony' she had been fondling was I fact not a pony at all.

She screamed al little bit then died.

Her corpse disappeared.

Five minutes later she walked in, and had a casual smoke in the corner.

Rarity then came bursting and screamed upper classly "get your hands of my mare friend you damned dirty dog"

Jae bled shekels out of his left pinkie toe.

This chapter is not a non sequitur

Applejack was kinda pissed at rainbow she expected something like that from the princesses but not some wingfag, so she did the only reasonable thing, the thing she always did when she was pissed started to lift weights 60 kilos (2.2 pounds to a kilo) as if it wee nothing.

The bulky stallion all popped out of her wardrobe.

They all chanted "bulk bulk bulk"

"Rainbow ah'm mighty ticked off at ya, if you wanted we coulda just fucked BDSM style I can tell you a sub cus it's so opposite to your regular personality (rainbow dash is so much more likely to be submissive that flutters, not my opinion fact) so what'd ya say" asked the bulking farmer.

Rainbows Response

"Fuck. Yes" screamed a a pallet swapped RD who was no longer taped to fan though she was still jackin off.

Enter the adversary

Many miles west of Ponyville in a dainty idyllic town called The East, a pony called sledgehoof had just risen to power through a wonderful election campaign involving but not limited too: a free butterscotch candy for every pony, promises to not smash all their skulls in with sledgehammers and a better education department.

"Aaaaargh neigh argh" boomed every single television set, radio, phone and loudspeaker in the entirety of the east, as they broadcasted sledgehoofs presidential speech.

"Mm hmm, I believe in freedom, justice and everyone DOING EXACTLY THE FUCK I SAY IF THEY WANNA LIVE" sledgehoof screamed unbalancedly the suit he was wearing for his tv campaign had already begun to rip and tear, Barkley able to contain his overly many bod.

"I just want to thank all you brave and loyal ponies FOR LETTING ME WIN THIS ELECTION, now I know you may be saying things like "he didn't win, he just killed every other possible candidate." or "he threatened to kill me with a hammer." but rest assured I sledgehoof last name omitted solemnly swear upon murder death and gratuitous violence, that I will be a good president" he looked extremely pleased with himself, as the crowd that was unwillingly witnessing his ascension clapped and cheered, knowing full well that if they didn't they would be killed violently.

It made no difference to sledgehoof his obvious unbalanced ness and general psychotic behaviour prevented from seeing this dauntingly obvious fact.

He retreated to his mansion, all the the slaves he had taken from his plundering around equestria, now served as faithful butlers, sexslaves or murder toys. As he reached the top floor, he immediately went to his full sized mirror room to admire his appearance.

Every hair was still in place, forming a slick, though sleepy businessman hairstyle. His large white horn protruded nobly though pointlessly from his mighty head. He didn't know how to use magic. This was the reason he was in equestria instead of his home, to the north. The land in snow. In this harsh barely liveable country the only ponies that lived there were an ancient breed of barbaric alicorns. There kind was so old and lived for so long, sledgehoof was old enough to remember the princesses being born. It was back then when the tribe was led by king blizzardus the brother of the king of equestria, king solarus. He was to be the heir to the throne, once his father passed on. But as he was growing up he discovered he didn't have the talent or the brain power to have a grasp of magic more than a newborn colt. His flying made the so called wonderbolts look like a pathetic earth pony falling to their feather from an overly high mountain. And his strength, he could cleave mountains in twist with his front hoof alone. One of his bucks caused earthquakes, though this was not uncommon with his kind. But strength and flying prowess was not enough. Every time he entered the arena, his strength and speed was bested by simple spells by much less worthy fighters.

After 250 years of this, though he appeared in his mid 20s, his family had had enough. They disowned him and announced his sister princess razor mane as heir. Sledgehoof was banished to equestria, where he travelled to the ever free forest he had about, it was here that he honed his already impressive fighting skills. Though more importantly this was the place where his mind would twist and turn, for though he would never admit it he was lost and the forest had gotten the better of him. The turmoil in his mind, constantly reminding him of the injustice and cruelty his worthless family had shown him.

It was here that he became sledgehoof the darkness of the ever free.

Jae by any other name

Jae by any other name

Roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll,Roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll,Roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll,Roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll,Roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll.

Went the jae as rolled annoyingly up a wall deifying the fuck out of physics.

"I SENSE A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE" yelled the cocaine filed alicorn, wearing Jedi I robes and throwing functioning light slabs at sleeping children in hospital.

She powered her up, which took about five minutes cus of the drugs, and teleported into rarity's sock draw.

"FUUUUUUUUUUCK"

Elsewhere

Princess Cadence and Shining Armor had sex.

It was very graphic and kinky.

I can't remember where I was up to, so this chapter won't make sense.

Jae paced badassedly around the library floor, his majestic golden hair flowing heroically in the non-existent wind. He was clothed in a super manly trench coat with no sleeves. He stood at a heroic 6"7 and cleared defined muscles accounted for all of it. His chin was more chiseled than a statues, and he had that scar across his nose and eyes that all cliches do.

All of the main characters were there trying not to be distracted by his pacing, as they were all concentrating on the task at hand.

What was that task...?

Trying to help get twilight elected as school president at magic kindergarden.

The time rift

There was this time rift that happened when jae arrived in equestria, as a result of this all of the mane 6 were fillies, spike is a cow.

The first

Filly princess twilight was crying, filly fluttershy was also crying, filly applejack was crying, filly rarity was crying, filly rainbow dash was crying, filly pinkie was crying and cow spike was mooing and eating grass in a field in twilights bedroom. Jae, being the amazing hero he is took this as an opportunity to be heroic. He used his magic that he had had the whole time to change all of their diapers, get them all dummies, build 6 mangers, read individual stories to them according to their interests, breast fed them and pat them all to sleep. After that he wasn't even tired so he drank a glass of red wine and chatted to his friend Sharon, who he was jealous of because she was married to a nice man, had a great job, a great house and a baby of their own on the way. Jae would never admit that though.

After a long conversation, about nothing he hung up the phone, realising that the one glass of wine was actually an entire wine cellar, this didn't faze him as he was a hero completely immune to alcohol.

He went to twilights bed cus she had the manger, he should've been easily able to get to sleep, but the draws of unconsciousness refused to draw upon him.

After a while, he fell into a light shaky sleep.

"Jae what are you doing here" a malicious voiced boomed from the depths of Jae's reverie.

"You know what your purpose was, you know what you must do"

"Stop procrastinating and do it"

Silence reigned amidst the darkness...

Swagleture

Where jae woke up was not the same as where he fell asleep.

The familiar bedroom of ponyvilles librarian was no where to be seen.

Being such an experienced and brooding hero, he knew precisely where he was.

He was in his own mind...

He was in a microcosm of life, shaped like a disc, around it however was void, the void of his unconscious.

He himself was in bright green and happy field, there was a single grey road that ran north. To his left was a dark Forest and and to his right was ocean.

Jae opted to follow the road, but when he tried to walk forward he realised he couldn't move more than a few steps.

He was trapped in a clear cube.

He thought it was glass and used all of his hero might to punch through it. The wall didn't even crack. He tried again and saw that his mind flickered and started to melt way with every swing that connected with his prison.

After much time, the brave hero was starting to lose hope.

"Jae, you knew what must be done, but you chose to ignore your purpose" the same booming voice erupted from the darkness of his unconscious.

Footsteps...

A hooded figure moving towards him.

Fear.

Enter the author

Teh orther popped into teh stori and was al liek evry1 stop being fucking dumb and get back to the pathetic shit you were before.

The author clapped its hands and Doritos powder flew everywhere.

When all the main characters finished sneezing it was gone.

Jae's final stand

After all the mane 6 realised how fucking pointless jae is this story, they all bucked him in his heroic nuts and duct taped him up.

Then they placed him in a corner and proceeded to act out his sexual fantasy.

He could help but watch.

Then he prematurely ejaculated.

Swag gritty tee bop

Wee oh wee oh the sirens blazed.

"Oh shit it's the popo" yelled ghetto dash.

"Goddamn your right what're they doing here" pissed of ghetto twillight yelled

"I don't give a fuck I'm getting out of here" screamed scared ghetto dash.

59 minutes later.

Dash had successfully runned away from the cops, but what she didn't realise was that she had left a trail if ghetto urine during here escape.

100 years later.

Everyone died except for twilight cus Che's an alicorn.

When erry1 died she run 2 da priseses and made out.

Oh yeah and jAe died too.

Sequel

Look out for the sequel called: a momentary refrain from monotony

Directed by Michael bay.

Jae's Big Da

There was this useless fag called Steve jobs who invented soap, there was also jae.

He lived in a house.

The house was blue.

He lived with his mum and john and his brother, Kanye South, he had a dog maybe.

One time he was skipping rope with Alec Baldwin, who was complaining about faggots in Chelsea.

Jae tripped over Alec's man-staff and fell down a rabbit hole.

He was greeted by Morpheus from the matrix, he offered him 2 pills, one was red the other a slightly different red.

Jae took the red pill.

He attempted to eat it, but failed, as it was a suppository.

Morpheus came buckets and then hit jae with Alec baldwins man staff sending jae into a coma as gayly as possible.

Jae found himself in Big Mac "daddy"s fridge.

Big Mac "Daddy" let off an annoyed EEYUP.

Jae took this to mean that Daddy wanted reimbursement for the semen jelly sculpture, which the neck beard had destroyed on his arrival.

Jae peered into his wallet to see with despair that he had no shekels with which to repay the cosmically endowed workhorse.

Then the fat little boy looked up from his wallet to see the engorged pleasure stick the horse, mere millimetres from his face.

The shock of the man meat so close to his face made Jae gasp, this gave daddy the opportunity to pierce his tooth hole.

notallthatbad.jpg

works the horse's blood pole down his trachea

the horse groans with primal pleasure as his tally wacker enters the neck beard's intestine.

That's when it happens.

The horses enraged phallus reaches the end of Jae's intestinal track, poking from his buttocks.

Twomanspitroast.png

Jae reaches up with all his might and pulls on Daddy's face.

The face falls off.

it's lord Farquaad!

then fluttershy walks in on the horrid scene, the floor is covered in blood! poo and semen.

How's it going Mac?

SWIIIIIIMNGLLLLLLLY

Expository description

It was late at night, it had been along day, as usual. Applejack had had to do Big Macs work for the day, so she was exhausted.

After taking off her prized Stetson she slumped into bed and was asleep.

Rainbow dash awoke from her light nap and heard a beeping sound.

She ran to her CCTV monitoring rig, to see if her suspicions were correct.

They were.

Gazing at her monitor she saw applejack in bed asleep.

"Awwww yeah" roared dash as she harnessed all of her speed to get to sweet apple acres as fast as she could.

When she arrived at the front porch of the apple family home, she crept up to the door and pulled a massive keying with an even larger amount of keys on it, seemingly from nowhere. She found the the key labeled: farm house front door.

It was pitch black, but that didn't affect dash, she had broken in here so many times she knew exactly where everything was.

She crept up the stairs, then she stopped at the 2nd door on the left.

Her heart beat faster and faster the closer her outstretched cyan blue hoof crept towards the stoic, and shiny doorknob.

As soon as she touched it she recoiled quickly as the icy touch of the untouched brass was rather chilly.

She went for the door knob, this time prepared for its arctic sting.

She gripped the handle tightly so she could turn it more quietly.

The first of many slight clicks broke forth the silence, causing rainbows pleasure to mount, as she realised how close she was to the mare she had stalked for so many years.

The second click of the tumbler rising and locking into place as the handle twisted, the slowness caused the handle to remember its brief fling with lock, it had been a very happy time for the handle but he had to break it of because she took away his freedom. Plus handle found her sleeping with key the biggest stud around.

Rainbow turned the handle more swiftly now causing her pleasure to increase.

After 5 minutes of precarious handle turning she was in...

Swalff

What the blue mare had failed to notice as she broke into the apple house was the antics ensuing in the kitchen.

an hour earlier.

"SWIMMINGLY" roared Big Mac "daddy" responding to fluttershy's question.

Instead of the banana yellow mare being super adorable and cute, flutterbitch decided to say hi.

"Oi" screamed the antisocial mare who had randomly lit on fire, "DADDY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, IM YOUR FUCKING BOTTOM BITCH YOU FAGGOT, WHY ARE YOU FUCKING THAT,..??" All the glass in a 50 mile radius shattered.

"EEYUP" screamed "daddy" though much manlier than flutterslut. He coughed before speaking in an extremely posh English accent, "my dear fluttershy, yes you are my bottom bitch, I am still confused as how simply relieving myself that 'thing means that you're are not my favourite little whore" he sat down revealing his now erect again member beckoning for her to tend to its needs.

After about five minutes fluttershy had visibly settled down, she was submissively nursing the cock (because fluttershy's always a sub).

Jae, after being used as a sock hit his head against the back of the oversized fridge.

He fell into a coma in a coma.

He woke up in a fridge that was inexplicably powered and waiting out side twillight sparkles balcony.

The first thing that greeted him was a deafening scream with a hint of lust, and  300 shoes falling on his head.