Fiddle Fatnasty

by Pickleless

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 1793

Spike and Rarity swap bodies.

Spike woke up in Rarity's body. After a few hijinks, he's left in charge to hold down the fort while Twilight and Rarity find the spell needed to fix this.

Surely all his time spent around Rarity has given him a realistic view on Rarity to properly imitate her.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-04 09:30:01 UTC

Chapter 1

And then everything went to hell.  Scootaloo and Applebloom were knocked unconscious by the hose when it smacked them in the head, flailing wildly. Which is actually kind of scary because you don’t faint from head injuries that easily unless it’s really, REALLY serious. Sweetiebelle has somehow managed to sow herself onto the wall. Trying to fix the dresses. There was a giant hole in the wall behind Spike blowing in rain, ruining Rarity’s styled mane. The Boutique was on fire. All the dresses were either burnt, soaked, burnt and soaked, or ripped apart by the cutie mark crusaders. And lastly, Discord was dancing in the middle of the room with moves only the smoothest of criminals could do.

Spike reflected upon the sight before him.

“I made a sale today! Rarity is sure to be impressed with me now!”

*Ten hours ago.*

Spike woke up in probably what was one of the most comfortable beds in his life. This proceeded to set warning bells of in his bed. As his cramped little basket was never this comfy.  The second thing that felt wrong was...everything. It’s like his whole body was stretched out to make strange shapes. Except without any of the pain. Spike looked down at his body.

“HHBFTLFTFLBFFFF-”

And found his tongue too alien to speak properly. Seeing a mirror nearby, Spike rolled out of bed, and found himself no longer bipedal. He somehow managed to drag himself to the mirror. Looking at his reflection, he saw the most beautiful mare in all of equestria.

“HSS RAHDAH RARUDEE!!!”

Her beautiful slacked jaw lips. Her stunning twisted up body.  Her gorgeous crossed eyes-why was he Rarity?

“AAAAHHHWUUUUUUHHHHHHLLFNNGHHLLL-”

“SPIKE!!!” Twilight screamed, busting into Rarity’s room.

“TWAA WHAA!” Giving her a smile that would make any self respecting autistic child blush.

“Spike! Listen carefully! I messed up a spell last night!”

It’s depressing that Spike doesn’t even question why she was casting experimental spells on him when he sleeps.

“You and Rarity are-”

“AUUUUUUGH!” Rarity shrieked. Well, Spike did, sorta. His body did. Fuck it. Rarity shrieked. “Daaaahliiing, what HAVE you done to my body?!?”

He woke up that way? Besides, how did you two get here so fast-

“SHURRAH RAH DAH RARUDEE! AH FUH HUAH, HAA RAHMOSH!”

Rarity stood there slack jawed, making both Spike and Rarity, regardless of body, look like idiots. How is she controlling his body so well-

“No! No no no NO NO NO! THIS IS THE WORST! POSSIBLE! THI-”

“RARITY!!! Calm down! I can fix this!” Twilight yelled.

Lighting her horn, she proceeded to cast a spell. It worked.

…

Of course it didn’t work, how would things go to hell then?

“U-uhh, let me just try again!”

Spike felt like someone was tugging out his insides for a second.

“UWAAAHUUAHHHLRRGG-”

“Sorry, sorry!” Twilight started to freak out. “I can fix this! I can-”

“TWILIGHT!!!” Rarity screamed. “If I don’t have my body back right now, how will I run the boutique?!?”

“DUH WAHRUH RAHDAH RARUDEE! AHH HAN RUN HI RERFAREE!” Spike yelled with confidence.

“...What?” Both of them said in unison.

Spike sighed. Okay, so he didn’t have talking down yet, but maybe he could use Rarity’s horn to write something down. Seeing a quill, ink bottle, and parchment nearby, he focused his horn on them.

The house nearby exploded.

‘That’s strange.’ Spike thought, not even noticing he just combusted a house and probably committed 2nd degree murder. ‘Maybe this will work.’ Ignoring the loud noise that just happened and the scared look on his friend’s faces. Spike summoned his determination and tried again.

A knife that seemingly came out of nowhere whirled pass Twilight’s head.

“SPIKE! STOP!” Twilight screamed.

“AH ROT HISS!” Spike yelled while focusing.

The writing utensils floated upwards.

“YUUUUAHHHWRR!”  Spike cheered happily.

He proceeded to smash the ink bottle into Rarity’s face. His face, sorta.

“AH SAH SOWRAH RADA RADUDEE!” Spike apologized. Maybe.

The quill and parchment made over fine somehow. Actually, what was more confusing is that the ink bottle didn’t break despite the force it was tossed with. Whatever. Getting the hang of magic rather quickly, making Sweetie look pathetic in comparison, he started to write on paper.

*Don’t worry Lady Rarity! I can take care of the boutique!  No one will notice anything strange at all!*

“...You, manage the boutique?” Rarity said, her spikes somehow sticking out like loose hairs. “Oh-ho-ho-ho no Spike darling. I don’t think that will be necessary, right Twilight?”

Twilight quietly stared at her.

“...Twilight darling, you CAN fix us, right?”

“M-maybe by this afternoon-”

“THIS AFFFTEERNOOOOON?!?” Rarity screeched like a banshee.

*It’s okay Rarity! I can handle it! Promise!*

“Spike, can you even trot in that body?”

With conviction. Spike got up, and fell over.

Shit Spike.

Spike tried again. This time toppling forward somehow, despite horses-er ponies not being able to fall that way really. With that bit of logic in mind, reality decided to step up to the plate by making him exert a huge amount of force with magic going forward. He proceeded to do a handstand, flip over, and land on his back. Good job Spike.  Oh and you too Reality.

“What are you doing?!?” Rarity said, panicking. “My poor, precious body!”

Rarity’s wail tore at his heart. And if he wasn’t thinking with said heart, he would probably realized it tore his eardrums too. Spike forced himself up. Drawing strength from her cry, and did everything in his power to stay balanced. swaying, he raised a hoof. And faceplanted. He rose again, and fell on Rarity’s dainty little nose. Rose, and fell. Rose, and fell. To be fair, he is moving forward. Spike stopped in front of Twilight and Rarity and grinned proudly. Surely his charming smile should give Rarity hope.

She look horrified.

“Well...It’s a start.” Twilight said. “Rarity, when does the boutique open?”

“In a couple hours…”

“Well then. Let’s teach Spike everything we can until the store opens!”

“HURRRGLLLFFFLLL!” Spike cheered.

Rarity crawled into a ball and cried.

“Okay, once more. With feeling.” Rarity said, her eye twitching. “"Welcome to Carousel Boutique! Where every garment is chic, unique and magnifique!"

“Walcome to Carasil Bootick! Whear evey garmant is cheek, u-neek, and...and magofeek?”

Rarity slowly covered her face with her claws.  Lowering herself into sitting position, rocking back and forth.

“How much time left, Twilight?”

“Uhhh…” Twilight hesitated. “Two minutes?”

“TWO MINUTES!?!” Rarity yelled, doing her best impression of going into labor.

“There’s no more time Rarity! We have to go work on the spell! Just have faith in Spike! He can walk fine, as long as he goes slowly. He doesn’t mess up with one or two word sentences. And he can write just fine. All he has to do, is package a dress, give a friendly smile, and take their money.”

Rarity pursed her lips “Spike, could you give me your best smile dear?”

The expression on Spike’s face could make the pony messiah irritated.  Actually, Considering who Celestia is and Twilight’s relationship with her.  It’s pretty safe to say the Messiah did get irritated.

“Ugh! That’s...great Spike. You’ll do just fi-”

“IIIII-HIII-HII LOOK LIKE A MOOOONSTEEEEER UWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!” Rarity broke down. Seriously, about time.

“Raridee! Don’t cry!” Spike tried to console her. And slammed into her instead.

“RIGHT! Weeeell we should be going. Good luck Spike!” Twilight teleported Rarity and herself away.

Eight hours of managing the Carousel Boutique. Spike has this in the bag! What’s the worse that could happen?

Oh you poor, poor retarded child.

“Hey!” Spike beamed, horribly. Watching Carrot Top walk in.

“Hello, do you have…”

“Yeah?”

“Uhhh…” Carrot Top watched as Spike slipped and slammed his head onto the counter.  Slowly got up, and smiled again. If it could be called that.

“What’s up?” Spike asked in a suave manner.

Hah, he wished.

“I’ll uh, I just come back tomorrow.” Carrot Top slowly backed out the door.

“See you tomorrow then!” Spike self congratulated himself.

Ignorance is bliss.

“Hey.” Spike said calmly, feeling more relaxed.

“No time Rarity! I need something that’ll knock my interviewer’s socks off!” Bon Bon exclaimed.

Ponies wear socks?

“I need something that says ‘I’m casually dressed because I know I have this in the bag. But I still look really fancy!’ What do you recommend?!?”

“Uhhhhh…” Spike looked around the outfits on the mannequins. Poniquins? His eyes stopping on the perfect one. “That one!” He pointed out confidently.

“...That one?”

“That one!”

“...Well, no one knows fashion better than you Rarity!” Bon Bon said, grabbing the Biker’s outfit.

Because nothing screams confidence more than a cool and aloof biker’s jacket. Bon Bon, I am so sorry...Wait, what was a Biker’s Jacket doing in Rarity’s-

“How much?” Bon Bon asked.

“...Five bits?” Spike guessed. Five bits was a lot right? I mean that’s how much his whole allowance was monthly.

“Wow, five bits! What a steal! Thanks Rarity!” Bon Bon said, rushing out the store with the outfit.

Spike tried to put the bits away. And fell over. Then tried to put them away with his magic, and impaled them on the wall.

He can deal with that later.

“Hey Rarity, mind if I try on a few dresses?” Roseluck asked while walking in.

“Uhh, sure! Which ones?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I was gonna look around first.”

“Okay, cool!”

Roseluck gave Spike a funny look. After Window Shopping for a minute. She pointed towards a green dress.

“This looks nice!”

“It sure does!”

“...”

“What’s wrong?”

“Are you going to take it off for me?” Roseluck snarked.

“Oh! Right, okay!” Spike lit up his horn.

And lit the dress on fire.

“AHHHHHHHH!!!” Roseluck screamed.

“AUUUUUUGH!!!”

“AHHHHHHHH!!!”

“AUUUUGHHLLLFFPFPFF!”

“AHHHHHHHH-”

“HFFLLPLLFFFLGUUHG-”

Roseluck ran out of the store. After a minute or two more of yelling, Spike slowly watched the fire spread, with the smoke heading out the window.

He can deal with that lat-Dammit Spike.

“Hey Rari-AHHHH!!!” Sweetiebelle screamed.

“Hey Sweetiebelle!” Spike greeted back cheerily.

“THE BOUTIQUE IS ON FIRE!”

“I know, I tried turning on the sink from here, buuuut I may have blown open the wall behind me.” Spike looked down in shame. “Oh! Maybe you could help me put it out?”

Sweetiebelle looked at the burning dresses, then back at Spike, then back at the dresses again.  She knew exactly what to do.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, FIRESTALLIONS YAY!”

“Oh come on Rarity, he couldn’t have done THAT bad.” Twilight rolled her eyes.

“I just hope the store isn’t burned to the ground by now!” Rarity said, opening the door to the Carousel.

Celestia looked up, trying to find the source of the disturbance she just felt.

“Everything alright sister?” Luna asked with concern.

With another quick glance, Celestia replied. “...Yes, must have been my imagination.”