Bag Head

by a guy with many hats

Rating: mature
Tags: Shining Armor, Maud Pie, Sex, Random, Human, Coco Pommel, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 13150

The first human in Equestria is also the most attractive man alive. He's so beautiful, Celestia forces him to wear a bag on his head, Permanently.

The first human in Equestria is also the most attractive man alive. He's so beautiful, Celestia forces him to wear a bag on his head, Permanently.

Contains extreme sexual humor. IE: raunchiness out the bummel

Published 2014-04-05 01:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-10 01:52:22 UTC

"I don't get it."

Author's Note

should check this out...

"I don't get it."

"No seriously, I don't get it." Amber played with my head, turning me with her talons and poking me. "Ponies go crazy for this?"

"Yeah...I don-aah--" I was cut off as Amber stuck her talon in my mouth, holding my lips open as she looked inside.

"You're teeth aren't even that sharp." she picked at my teeth a bit before letting go. "You're fleshy like them...I guess I get it."

I shook my head and pulled my bag back on. "No, it's not that. You want me to show you?"

Amber shrugged and sat on her haunches. "I guess? Can we get something to eat after?"

I nodded and stood up. "Sure. Sick of eating rats anyways."

Amber popped an eyebrow as she stood up. "Rats are delicious...the heck you been eating?"

I shook my head, crinkling my bag as I did. "Sorry it's not a bloody vole. Could eat a bloody vole...." I stuffed my hands in my pockets as I dreaded another night of dining on rat. "Come on, sooner I prove I'm not crazy the sooner we can find some dinner."

Amber flew past and walked ahead of me. "So, ponies throw themselves at you. What do you do?"

"What do I do about what?"

Amber turned around and started walking backwards. "Do you...you know, fuck em? Do they fuck you? How crazy do they go?"

I let out a long sigh and shrugged. "You'll see soon enough." I shut her down and walked into the town limits. We walked along a rather scenic path that a trio of ponies usually clung to. A few minutes in and we were already met by the usual trio.

"George!" A read headed pony trotted over, flanked by two others. "You remember me?"

I thought back as Amber sat next to me. "Uh...Rose...Lily...and...Daisy?"

The two ponies behind Rose bounced happily, squealing as the pranced about. Rose nodded and walked up to me. "So you remember us...do you...have something for me?" Rose started tracing her hoof around the path. "Or is this just for...pleasure?" she fluttered her eyelashes and struck a bashful pose.

I turned to Amber and held my arms out to Rose. "See? I haven't even taken the bloody bag off yet!" I turned back to Rose and ducked down. "Just a peek, trying to prove I'm not crazy."

Rose let out a girly squeal as she walked over to me. "I don't even know what that means!" She nuzzled up against my chest and looked up my bag. "And I don't care." I rolled my eyes, going temporarily blind. I pulled my bag up just enough to give Rose a peak. Her eyes went wide, a huge smile grew on her face as she peered up at my face. "Oh dear Celestia...." She mumbled to herself before biting her lip. Her back legs trembled hard as she let out a soft moan, muffled by her bitten lip. "Bu-uuck...."

Rose took a step back as I pulled my bag back into place. "See that!" I stood abruptly and turned to Amber. "Look at this!" I pointed to my knee, a wet patch evident on my pants. "That's her! That's hers!"

Amber covered her beak as started snorting out her boyish laugh. "How the heck, how did you do that?"

I looked back at Rose as she tried to stop her involuntary air humping. "I didn't do anything! She looked at my face, that's all!"

Rose's heavy breathing filled the air as she continued to hump nothing. "Gonna cum- gonna cum- buck- buck- buck!" Rose locked up as her hips dipped down and locked up. "Buuuuck!" she let out a terrible scream as her back craned and head shot straight up. A string of saliva clung between her teeth and tongue as her mouth hung open and her voice broke. She finally finished her impromptu orgasm and laid her chin in the grass, her rear held high in the air. "Buuck.... Thanks George.... Cuddles?"

I stared down at the presenting mare and turned to Amber. "Every time! Every damn time!"

Amber stood up and pulled me down by my collar. "Did you change under there?" she ripped my bag off and tossed it aside. "No...still just as ugly as before."

A pair of shrill moans rang out from Daisy and Lily as they clutched each other, melting together as they went docile and slumped to the ground. The went about their own pleasure as Amber turned around and watched. "What...I don't...." she walked back and found my bag. She put it back on my head and watched as the ponies calmed down. "Okay...." she lifted my bag right off, sending the ponies into a twitching pile of lesbianism once again. "What the fuck!?" Amber yelled as she pulled my bag on, calming the ponies.

She slowly lifted my bag, making the ponies twitch slightly before slamming the bag back down. "You're a lich, or a warlock, or something else evil!" she snapped as she pushed my down by my face. "There's no way you just...they just...look at this!" She pointed to the pair of ponies as they laid together in the grass, their backsides bright pink and erogenous. "You're a fucking wizard! A sexual wizard!"

I fixed my bag and stood up. "Hey, you wanted to know! I never said I understood it! I mean, it doesn't bug you, it doesn't bug me, it never bugged girls back home, but ponies just...this!" I thrust my finger out to Rose as she hugged herself. "I just stood here! I didn't even touch them!"

Amber gave me an unconvinced glance. "So you're unintentionally evil...that's still evil."

A rock flew down the path as I crossed my arms. "Oh screw you. I'm not pretty enough to do this, I'm five-eight! I'm short as shit, I never shave, cause I fucking cant! I'm ugly damn it!" After I stopped I felt something grab my leg.

Rose nuzzled my shin as she held on to my leg. "Nothing is ugly about that face." she continued to nuzzle and wrapped herself around both my feet. "So...this might be a little forward. But I need you to rut me...in the grass...right now."

I tried to move, starting to stumble as Rose acted like a trap. "Shit- shit- fuck!" I stumbled around, feeling like my pants were already around my ankles. "Shit- fu--" I was cut off as a flying pink mare zoomed over and clotheslined me.

I was quickly swarmed by the three needy ponies and pinned. I managed to keep my head out of the writhing mass and spotted the flying mare. "Pinkie, you twat!" I tried to claw my way out of the pile, the flower mares refusing to let go. "Somebody help!"

Pinkie ignored me and found the rock that had been thrown down the road. "I found hi-- George!" she ran over and slid nose to muzzle with me. "Hi!"

"Somepony grab his bag!" one of the flower trio yelled as they tried to tear my clothes off.

A loud thud followed by a few lighter thuds quickly filled the air as the weight was lifted off my back. "Get, get out of here ya whorses!" Amber yelled as she shook her talon at the fleeing trio. "Better not see you raping my human again!"

I scrambled to my feet and dusted myself off. "Dear god Amber, you are my greatest ally."

She struck a proud pose and cleaned her talons on her chest fluff. "Eh, I know."

Finally free I turned to the final pony in the area. "Pinkie...did you not see me? I know yo--"

Pinkie shook her head. "No I needed to beat everypony to this!" she pulled the rock from her side and held it in her hoof. "I wanted to win."

I glared at her as I fixed my bag. "A rock? You nearly bashed my head for a rock!?"

"His name is boulder." A dull voice came from behind, quickly materializing into an equally dull gray mare. "And yes...he's a rock."

I stared at the gray mare for a while before turning to Pinkie. "Okay...I'll bite. Who's this?"

Pinkie gasped. "Have you two not met! I thought for sure you two knew each other already!"

The gray mare looked at Pinkie with a confused look. I joined her and together we shot down the excitable party pony. "Umm...maybe not." She grew an embarrassed smile and wrapped her foreleg around the gray one. "This is Maud, the bestest big sister ever!"

I huffed and adjusted my bag. "Good to meet you...I'm a guy with a bag on my head."

Pinkie let out a strange displeased sound. "Georgie! You can't just say that! You gotta...can you...do the thing?" she donned a huge pleading smile and gave me a longing look. "Please? Pretty please? Pretty Pinkie please?"

I looked at Maud. She just stood there with an extremely stoic look on her face. "Uh...is she alright? She looks kinda...bored?" Bored was a nice way of me saying she looked like she was on drugs.

"I'm fine...it's good to meet you." she stuck her hoof out, keeping her indifferent look the whole time. I shook her hoof, in awe as her poker face bored through my skull.

I grew a bit agitated as she stared at me. I gripped my bag and got ready to take it off, if only to see her have another emotion besides unending stoicism. I lifted my bag up, sending Pinkie into a fervor. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" She let out a loud shriek and fell onto her back. She let out a girly squeal as she kicked her hooves in the air.

Maud just stared at me, unwavering. I pulled my bag on and muttered under my breath. "And I'm evil." I fixed my bag and looked back to Maud. "...Nothing?"

Maud blinked.

"Fucking hell." I turned to Amber and shrugged. "Let's get dinn--" I was stopped as Maud popped up next to me. "Uh...can I help you?"

Maud looked up at me, and blinked. "I'm fine...thanks."

I turned around as Pinkie's frazzled voice chirped up. "Phew! George...I- just phew!" she wiped her forehead and tried to fix her bedraggled mane. She stopped dead when she saw Maud standing next to me. "Maud! How forward!"

Maud just blinked, then turned to me, then blinked again. "Do you mind?" she asked me with her extremely methodical speech.

I looked down and couldn't spot a thing wrong. "Uh...no? Should I?"

Maud nodded and stared forward. She stood for a few seconds before brushing her cheek against my pant leg and walking off. Amber and I stood side by side as the Pies walked off. "Wow...what the fuck?" Amber asked as she stared at the dress laden pony.

"Yeah...I don't know. That was weird right?" I asked as I looked down at my red furred companion.

"Not as weird as that." she poked her finger towards the ponies. I looked up and spotted Maud with her tail high and her dress around her flanks. "And this happens all the time?"

I rubbed my face as I turned away from the flashing mare. "Usually they don't bother wearing clothes. Usually I'm just pelted with vagina on a daily basis.... Can I get a yeast infection on my face?"

Amber grimaced as we started walking back to the outskirts. "Dude that's gross. Let's just catch some food and go to bed."

I rubbed my neck and looked around. "I wish I could sleep in town...."

"Then do it!" Amber shouted as she took to the air, dive bombing a muskrat and slaying it. "Don't you get money from the princesses? We could go get a room in town!"

"No!" I shook my head vehemently as I ran over to her. "No...last time I tried I nearly got gang banged by half the population." I stuck my hand under my bag and rubbed my face. "Stallions included...."

Amber cringed as she swallowed the rodent whole. "That sucks--" she quickly realized she'd eaten the whole thing. "Whoops...it was too small anyways." she took off and looked around. "I'll just--"

I waved her down. "It's fine. I might have been a little greedy.-" I pulled a bag of apples I'd lifted from the flower ponies. "-The least they could donate considering they tried to molest me--again."

Amber landed with a thud. "Sweet." she stabbed an apple with her finger and ate it whole. "So now what?"

I sat on a rock and got to work starting a fire. "Uh...you wanna bang?"

Amber started laughing as she tossed a stick into the fire pit. "After all that you're still thinking about sex?"

I managed to start a fire and threw a broken branch into it. "Bitch, I'm always thinking about sex! But I have a fair chance with you. Getting face raped by a trio of mares isn't exactly appealing."

Amber shredded an apple in her maw. Smiling at me afterwards. "Still wanna go?"

I shrugged. "I guess?"

Amber tossed the apple core at me. "Well, show some freaking enthusiasm next time!" she rolled onto her back and turned away from me. "Go to bed, or go find that gray mare.... Or masturbate...I'll watch that...."

I sat down and kept the fire alive. "Gross. Maybe you should find a pony." I settled down and relaxed as the day petered away.

Imperial Missive

"I thought you knew...." I muttered as I fixed my bag. "It's waterproof."

Amber drifted by on her back, kicking her legs and propelling her through the lake. "It's just weird you wash with it on. I mean...you wear a bag on your head so it's already kinda weird." She dunked her head for a moment before coming back up. "I mean...can you- here let me see." she said as she swam over and pulled my bag off.

"What the hell are you do--"

"Quiet." she dunked my bag and filled it with water. She pulled it out and held the now full bag in front of her. "What is this!? It's freaking paper!" She swam over and dunked the bag over my head. "Unbelievable."

I spat out excess water as I fixed the bag. "You think that's crazy, it's fireproof too."

"Reaaaaly...we're gonna--"

"No!" I yelled as I got out of the water and found my towel. "We are not lighting my head on fire!" I finished drying off my person and started getting dressed. "God damn socks...come on!" I had trouble pulling my socks on as a bit of moisture clung to my legs. "For fucks sakes!"

"George, your thing is kinda hanging out." Amber noted as I struggled with my socks.

"Look it doesn't matter! Fucking- things!"

Amber started snickering as she walked over. "It's gonna matter when you look up."

"Wha--" I spotted a familiar light blue pony in a couriers uniform. "Cloudchaser....morning."

"Wood." she said as she jumped off a rock and walked towards me. "Anyways. You have a letter...you know my price."

I shook my head and gave up on my half on sock. "Holding my mail ransom isn't okay. Just give me my damn mail!"

Cloudchaser shook her head. "Maybe you don't get it. All you have to do is move a stupid paper bag, I had to fly from the crystal empire! And...this!" she pointed at her blackened eye. "Had to fight somepony just to get this to you safe!"

I grumbled angrily as she walked up. "You know...maybe I'll just hit myself with a brick, then what!?" I knelt down and pulled my bag up. Cloudchasers eyes went wide as she started chattering to herself.

"No words....onl--ly...." she hugged me, keeping her gaze locked on my face. "Hold me...I can't...I can't...words...." She started babbling as she latched onto my stomach. "I love you...we're gonna have foals one day...and you're going to love me."

I looked at Amber as she started laughing wildly. "Little foals -pffff- I don't get it!" she grabbed my towel and started drying herself off. "Wow...she's really on there."

I stood up, Cloudchaser hanging off my stomach as I tried to walk away. "She's not letting go!" I tried to push her off, only managing to get my fingers caught in her mouth. "What the fuck!?"

She sucked on my index finger, pressing her tongue against it as she suckled greedily. Her back legs went limp as, once again, my knee was dribbled with mare cum. She gave up on my finger as I yanked it free, moving to licking my stomach. "They're gonna be name Diamond and Genie and--"

"Hey!" an angry voice rang out, snapping Cloudchaser back into reality.

"Crap!" she let go, taking a glancing look back before jumping and trying to take flight. "Shit- crap- buck!" she pissed and moaned as her stiff wings refused to flap. She ended up running off and jumping off a hill. "Buuuuu-- Ow!"

I pulled my bag on and finally fixed my socks. "What the hell just happened!?"

"Cadance damn it!" An angry looking Crystal pony started yelling as she trotted over. "That bitch!" She looked rather beaten up and absolutely livid. "That bucking skank stole my damn bag!"

I looked at the now obvious courier and let out an angry groan. "Fuuuuck! God damn it!"

The courier shook a few twigs out of her mane and looked at me. "Shut up! You're not the one who got sucker punched by a winged nutcase!" She reached into her glittery tail and pulled out a letter. "Here.... Never keep important papers in obvious places."

"Huh...that's smart." I noted as I opened the letter and found my pants. I pulled the letter to my bag's eye holes. "Fuck you and your tiny print...Princess Cadance!" I pulled my shirt on and started walking over to Amber. "Amber, read."

"I'm not gonna read shit! You're a big boy, you read equestrian...."

I glared at her and started taking my bag off. "Amber, listen. Dear George...da da da...presence is requested in the Crystal Empire...on the orders of Princess Cadenza. The courier sent will guide yo--" I stopped suddenly as I spotted the courier peeking under the letter. "Can I help you?"

The mare was literally drooling as I moved the letter. "I uh...traditional...crystal greeting...is a kiss." She stared into my eyes unblinkingly. "And we uh...never...introduced."

"You're so full of shit!" I yelled as I tried to take a step back, the crystal mare matching each step. "Stop it!"

Amber walked behind her as she backed me into a tree. "Holy shit dude, you should see this! It's glistening!"

"Not helping!"

The courier stared at me as she turned around and presented herself. "I uh...royal greet is different...uh...kiss it."

"I'm sorry!?" I shouted indignantly.

The courier grew flushed, her crystalline yellow coat now bright pink around her muzzle. "Please kiss my vagina." she scrunched her muzzle up as she maintained unending eye contact. "It's...royal greeting...so...do it...."

"You're full of shit!" I yelled as I found the rest of my stuff and packed up. "Amber, you know the way?"

"Holy shit dude...." Amber walked past me and over to the prostrated pony. "You know...I made a joke that you drown in pussy...but you could actually drown in the pussy!" she prodded with courier's rear, making her shudder and try to contain herself as her flower winked and spilled out even more juice. "Look at that, did you just cum?!"

The courier just muttered under her breath as she adjusted her backside. "A little...."

Amber started laughing as she stepped back. "George...you have to."

"I don't have to do shit!" I walked over a rock and looked over a field. "It's north right?"

"George...." Amber flew over with pony plot tucked under her arm. "Look at this!" She pointed out the mare's pale yellow butt, glistening from her crystal coat and the copious fluids soaking her inner thighs and sex. "Just kiss it."

I stared into the moist abyss. "Why do you even care!?" I yelled at Amber as she teased the already sensitive courier. "Since when do you side with them!?"

Amber looked down at the plot under her arm. "Since...they...just do it! I heard stuff about them and I wanna know!"

"Then you do it!"

Amber adopted a cynical look. "No lips...dickhead."

"Shut up!" I snapped at her as I flipped her off. "So just because you can't, that means I should?!"

"Yes damn it!" She thrust the now limp pony butt at me. "Now kiss it!"

"Blow me!"

"Deal!" Amber snapped back, thrusting the pony butt up to me. "I can totally live with that!"

I stared at her beak. "Um...no...not after last time."

"Uuf!" she scoffed and stuck her tongue out. "One time I nipped you--"

"I'll do it...." the crystal pony squeaked out, making her flank bounce. "Just...somepony do something...I need something...it's so hot...."

I grumbled to myself at the prospect of a blowjob. "Fuck.... Amber put her down...go find my bag."

Amber set the pony down and went to find my bag. The courier laid on her chest, ass held high in the air. "Please...please...I just...I love you...please...I'm so close."

I knelt down and cautiously approached. "The things I do for my dick...." I slowly pursed my lips, making glancing contact with the mare's sopping wet sex. Mere seconds after the contact the mare started bucking and spazming. I managed to pull back just far enough to avoid the lion's share of her squirting juices, but a decent amount still splattered my face. "God fucking damn it!"

"Oh buck- buck- buck!" the courier lost herself as her sex convulsed and squirted out feminine juices. Her voice cracked as she let out a feminine shriek. "Ooooooh- buck..." She slumped to all fours and panted heavily as her soaked backside cooled in the fall air. "Oh mama...."

"How'd it taste!?" Amber asked as she flew back over with my bag. "How!?"

I rubbed my lips with my sleeve. "Fucking...." I grumbled to myself as I went back to the lake. "Birthday cake.... How in the fuck?" I washed off my face and filled my bag with water. "How the fuck do they have flavors!? Fucking bullshit." I stated angrily as I dumped my bagful of water over the spent mare.

"Buck my ass!" she screamed as the ice cold water snapped her out of her haze. "Buck!"

"Shut it!" I yelled as I finally got my bag back on. "I'm sick of being covered in mare liquids, now let's get going!"

"What?!" she yelped angrily as she shook her body out. "Why do I need to--"

"It said you're supposed to take me! Now get going!" I waved my arm towards the north. "Get going!"

Amber strolled over. "Doesn't she owe you a BJ?"

I shook my head as the mare sloppily walked along. "Yeah, not out in the open like an animal! If we're going to the empire I'm gonna get a fucking hotel, or a house, I don't know...." I sulked on after the wobbly mare. "I'm getting my blowjob for that...."

Amber took a step away from me. "Dude...that sounds super creepy."

"You know what's fucking creepy!? Being stalked by an entire town! That's fucking creepy." I shut her down and focused on the road. This was going to be a long walk. I looked up, spotting the wobbly mare's backside still soaked in juices and lake water. "At least the view is nice- fuck...too nice." I started walking crooked. "God damn it, now is not the time!"

"Boner?" Amber asked as she took to the air. "That sucks."

"You suck!"

"No! She's gonna suck!" Amber pointed at the wobbly mare. "And I'm gonna watch!"

"Filthy pervert." I muttered angrily as I loped behind. The Crystal Empire only miles away.

Author's Note

Hmm more fics...look at that...

Royals Are Cumming

I walked past the limits and into the Empire. "Fucking cold." I mumbled to myself as I rubbed my arms. "This better be worth it."

The courier pranced around me. "Uh...show me under the bag again...I'll heat you up...s-sexually...." She begged clumsily. "I mean...just...." She started sneaking her hoof up my bag. "Just a little...."

"Fuck off!" I pushed her away and turned back to the road. "Not in public you horny bitch!"

"Hey, we could use...a stall." she said as she pointed out a few empty merchant stands. "No one would know...just really quick--"

I shoved her away and walked briskly towards the tallest building. "Amber!? Where the hell are you?"

"Uh...nowhere. I'll meet you there!" she said as she started flying around the border of the city. "I'll be there! Later." She melted away into the city, leaving me to fend for myself with the courier.

"God damn it...." I stared at my feet as I walked towards the castle. "Why in the love of god are there just spires in the ground!? Someone's gonna stab themselves."

"I'll stab myself...with...with your penis...."

I stopped dead in the road and turned to the clumsy mare. "Stop it...you're bad at flirting...."

"You're...a flirt.... Can I see your face again?" she rubbed up against my side, putting her tail against my ass as she walked beside me. "Please?"

"Fuck off!" I bumped her away with my thigh. "You already squirted in my face. You've gotten farther than a lot of people."

"Father...than...you...inside me...."

I just shook my head at the glittery yellow mare and walked off. Little by little the streets filled with gawkers. Banking on the fact that no one knew me here I made it to the castle entrance without issue. The guard didn't even bother stopping to check who I was, letting me get started up the massive flight of stairs.

"Fuck- stairs- four legged twats!" I grunted as I charged up. "Fuck- fuck- fu-uck!" I yelped as my foot slipped. "Crystal fucking stairs...idiots." I continued my long climb, the courier tailing close behind.

Eventually we reached the proper floor and were led into a tall hallway. "So...I'm supposed to...go back to work." the courier said as she paced around me. "But...if you said you needed me--"

"You still fucking owe me, so yeah, you're not going anywhere!"

"I...just...I know...but can I--"

"If you are sucking my dick, yes, you can see my face."

She let out a shrill squeal as she started galloping around the room, bounding off the guards and jumping around. "Yes, yes, yes, yes!"

I let her have her moment and walked down the hall. I spotted a pair of ponies at the far end. "George!" the pink one stood on her throne. "There you are. How was your trip?"

"Only slightly molested, one sexual assault, and I got to ride a train for a little bit. So...it was okay." I walked over and stuck my hands in my pocket. "So you're Cadenza?"

"Please, you can call me Cadance. Now, you know why I called you here right?" she asked as she descended her throne. "I need your help...and...maybe I'm going to ask you to move here- I'll cut to the chase. Moral is terrible, crystal ponies are still really depressed, and I need some help cheering everypony up."

I sighed. "So you want me to walk around with my bag off."

Cadance rolled her hoof. "Well, I've heard you excite ponies, but without firsthand knowledge I can't really saaaaaah...." she started drooling, letting her mouth hang open as I set my bag down. "I uh...I...wow I--" She stared wide eyed at me as her backside rocked.

The pony sitting on the smaller throne stood up. "Buck me!" he lifted his hooves as he glazed his own hooves. "Dear Celestia!" he shot himself in the hooves once again, some of his spewing landing on the crystal floor. "Sh-shit!" he waddled off behind a plant.

Meanwhile Cadance wasn't fairing much better. She mumbled to herself as she stared into my eyes. "I love you...I wan- order you to fuck me."

I pulled my bag on as half the room creamed themselves. Mares and stallions alike having mixed reactions. Some were outright cumming, blowing their fluids across the floor. Others tried to contain it, and others still tried to bring themselves to the same level as the first's.

The stallion behind the potted plant let out a final loud grunt as he tipped the plant over, shattering the pot and spilling soil and seed across the floor. "Mother-bucker!"

Cadance pawed at me with her hoof as she tried to step closer. "I...uh...right now...take those off." She followed each step back I took from the cumming crowd. "Guards...help...get his--"

I pulled my bag back on and kicked at the ponies that were nearby. "Back off! I will kick you in the face if you try shit!" They slowly backed away as half the crowd turned from bright and alert to completely spent. "God damn it...everything stinks like dicks and vagina now! Fuck!"

"Take that bucking bag off!" Cadance yelled as she galloped over. "Now--" I slapped her hard and shook her. "Wah-ah-ah- what!?"

"Get a fucking hold of yourself!" I yelled as I threw her back.

She shook her head and sat back. "What happened? Why do I feel damp? What's that smell?" I left her to figure out while I looked at the devastation. Guards trying to cover themselves with their helmets, the courier drooling on the floor, and assorted castle staff near comatose from the sudden surge of sexual release.

"Bullshit."

Cadance tapped the floor. "Okay...so in light of your...abilities, I hereby appoint you the master of sexual ceremonies for the Crystal Empire. Refusal will result in arrest...and or...slavery...in...in the dungeon."

I stared with a highly confused look on my face. "You have a fucking sex dungeon here!?"

Cadance steadied her breath. "N-no. It's just a dungeon. Just a normal dungeon--"

"That you plan to have sex in. That's a fucking sex dungeon!"

Cadance rolled her neck. "Call it what you want...but...I...uh...can I see your face again? I think I missed something."

"I'm leaving--"

"That wasn't a joke! Try to leave and I'll have you thrown in the dungeon." she ran past me and cut me off. "Look...maybe I got a little out of control." she looked back to the stallion, now sitting on the throne. "I think we all did. But I actually need your help. If you can do that to all of us, you can do that to the crystal ponies too!"

"Look, this place smells like the bathroom in a porn theatre, so you have about five seconds to convince me."

"You'll have a personal guard of your choosing, a manor, unlimited spending cash, and fresh meat delivered weekly."

I stooped over. "I...well fuck...." I scratched the back of my head. "Alright...what's the catch?"

"Just...do what you do to atleast a few ponies a week. And...I...we...uh...just...visit...every once in a while. For...all of us." Cadance sat down on her throne and settled in. "Dear Celestia I think I ruined this seat...."

I stared at my shoes. After a final glance around my room I resigned to my fate. "Fine...but nothing gay--"

"Daaaa-ame...dame..." the blue maned stallion grumbled from his seated position next to Cadance. He let out a rough cough and tried to clean his hooves on his seat.

"Shining...it's okay to be gay for that." Cadance said plainly. "I'd cheat on you with him...and I'd be disappointing in you if you wouldn't."

"Nothing. Gay." I stated aggressively, pointing at the royal. "You can make me fuck, but you can't make me gay!"

Before I could leave the courier started tugging on my leg. "George...George...don't forget--"

"Oh. Can I have her? She owes me a blowjob."

Cadance brought her hoof to her chin. "Sure, just...do you know the royal--"

"Fuck off!" I snapped angrily. "I'm not doing it!"

"You'll do it or you'll spend a night with some stallions!" Cadance bit back and flew over to me. She turned around and lifted her tail. "Do it!"

I shook my head. "How bout you just...I have these...." I held up my hand. "I'm sick of sacrificing my face!"

"Bag off." she demanded.

I grumbled angrily as I took my bag off and grabbed her flank. "The things I do for...freedom at this fucking point!" I slid my fingers into the extremely wet slit and jostled my fingers around inside her. She maintained unwavering eye contact, licking her lips and staring deep into my eyes.

"Harder...."

"Don't talk while I'm doing this!" I yelled at Cadance as she backed up against my fingers. "I already don't want to do this, don't make it worse."

"I'll have your foals if you ask." she said before opening her mouth and breathing heavily. "They'd be beautiful."

I turned away from her and wiggled my fingers violently around her squishy bits. Eventually she gave in and splattered my hands in viscous mare cum. "Fucking damn it...." I stood and walked over to a stunned guard. He stared at my face in utter awe as I wiped my hands off in his mane. "Jesus, I'm not the fucking ark, calm dow--" I heard a splurt from him, quickly taking a few steps back and seeing a few splatters on the floor beneath him. "Nice."

"I love you--"

"Shut it!" I yelled at the guard as I turned to Cadance and pulled my bag on. "House, now!"

Cadance shook her hoof at me. "Somepony...get him the key to the old Topaz manor...I need a shower." Cadance limped off as the aparent Shining Armor walked over.

He limped over in a similar fashion and took a key out of his pocket. "So uh...any chance you could...I mean since you're hands alrea--"

"No." I yanked the key from him and picked up the courier, who was nearly catatonic from the excitement. "I'm not gay, nor will any amount of money or physical goods change that." I started walking out, stopping at the door and grabbing another dainty mare. "I'm commandeering this."

"Yes yes yes ye--" I covered the ecstatic mare's mouth and started off down the stairs.

A long trek down the stairs, a walk through town and up a hill and I was face to face with my new home. "Huh...kinda fancy." I noted as I set down my organic luggage. I looked down at the mare I grabbed in the throne room and tapped her head. "Hey...wake up."

She snapped to attention. "What!? How can I help!?"

"First off calm down. Go fine me some ponies to help me take care of this place. A guard...a gardener...." My finger drifted to the hole in my pocket. "A...a sewing person. Find me some staff damn it!"

The crystal pony's eyes darted around. "Can't you just--"

"No. No crystal buggers. If I wanted this to be easy for you I'd just do it myself. In fact...find em from all over."

The mare gasped. "But I- why!?"

"Because I said so! I just got told I have to get molested or sent to prison, your life is gonna suck just as much as mine!" I glared at the mare and kicked at her. "Go, get going! Run!"

She bolted off as I kicked my shoe at her. "Dude, the hell you doing?" Amber asked as she zoomed down and landed next to me. "Who was that?"

"Long story. Like the house?" I asked as I pointed to the manor. "All I had to do was finger a princess for it.... I...saying that out loud doesn't do the terror of it justice."

Amber nodded. "You live with a very fortunate problem. So...you uh...this is ours?"

I nodded and walked my trio over to the gate. "Gonna turn this place into a fortress." I threw the gate open and walked my new friends towards the door.

"Fort chastity." Amber joked as she flew onto the roof. "So, what else you get?"

"Money, power, status. All the trademarks of a royal escort. I have everything except my pride."

"Did you ever have your pride?"

"Not really." I stepped inside the house, finding it decrepit and dusty. "Fuck...are you kidding me? What kind of manor is this!?"

Amber started laughing loudly. "A pretty shit one!" She turned away from the manor. "I'm gonna go sleep in a tree."

I grumbled angrily as I looked around the crappy manor. "She fucking knew didn't she!?"

The courier shrank down and tried to back away. "I don't...I...are you mad?"

I took a deep breath and undid my belt. "Yes...extremely." I tossed my belt aside and undid my fly. I pulled myself free and undid my bag. "Well...here it is. Get to work."

The courier went dumb as she stared at me. She looked between my face and my nob as she tiptoed forward. "I don't...where do I st--"

"Don't start. Just...get it over with." The courier hung her mouth open and slowly approached. I stared at the ceiling as she went to work, sloppily suckling at my tip and slathering me in saliva. "God damn...this is barely enjoy-ah- oh fuck there it is." My knee trembled as she got into a decent groove. I popped my eyes open, catching the mare staring me in my eyes as she suckled at my rod.

I didn't last long against her swirling tongue, quickly spurting into her mouth and trying not to collapse as she sucked my head, causing my body to tremble from the visceral sense. She let out a pleased hum as she flicked my tip with her tongue, drawing out everything I had and swallowing it. She closed her eyes before popping off and letting out a stifled moan. "Kiss me and call me yours...I won't stop you." she cooed as she licked her lips. "I'll let you--"

I weakly put myself away and sat back on my ass. "I'm not gonna kiss you...you just had a mouthful of cum and I'm not going to get involved with that...." I pulled my bag on and scooped up the damp mare. "Fuck...let's go get some lunch...then...a nap or something."

Author's Note

Do I hate this fic? Oh yes, but free advertisement is great!

Rage

I flopped down onto the least destroyed couch in the manor and kicked my shoes off. "Bloody bollocks." The sound of carpentry and heavy objects being lifted was grating on my nerves. "Fucking...rauagh."

"George...shut up." Amber walked over and hopped over the back of the couch, landing next to me. "They're fixing it for you, you don't have to do anything, no ones asked you to take your bag off all day. Be happy you gaylord!"

"Fuck you! Don't tell me what to do." I kicked her into the side of the couch, breaking the arm and sending her off of it. "Oh shit...."

"Fucking damn it!" Amber yelped as she clawed her way back up onto the couch. "What the hell!?"

"Screw--"

Amber snapped. "Shuuuuuut up! Fuck! Why the fuck are you always so mad!? You live in a world where you can have sex with any pony, you have money, a house, be happy you little cocksucker!"

I glared at her as she sat back down. "You really wanna know? You want to know why the fuck I'm so angry!?"

"Yes!"

"Fine.... I can handle one pony, that's fine. They get annoying after the sixtieth time, but I can deal. Two is getting out of hand, again I can deal, but when every other sentence is, can I see your face, I start to lose my shit. Three...three or more is out of control. And..." I rubbed my mouth. "Even one...can be...difficult."

Amber tilted her head. "So...wait...I don't...the courier...."

I nodded. "Yeah, I like it when I'm the one doing the fucking, not being fucked. Call me a sel--"

"You're a selfish prick." Amber preempted me. "Seriously, you couldn't sound like more of a douche."

"I was getting to that! God damn...you know I used to be happy before this."

"And you're gonna tell me all about--"

"Yes...yes I am.... Also shut up."

I stumbled down a hill and landed face first on a tile floor. I laid there for a while until I was sure my teeth were still intact. "Ow...well that bloody hurt." A quick roll onto my back and I was face to face with a horse. "Oh...uh...hello horse." I sat upright. "Did I get hammered again--" I was cut off as the horse walked back into my vision.

The horse just stared at me, staring wide eyed at me and walking closer. "I love you...." it spoke softly as I felt myself lift off the ground.

"Whoa, what!?" I yelled as I found myself plastered against the horse's underside, staring at vagina as it started walking off. "Am I being abducted by a fucking horse!"

"Quiet...I need to...discover you...properly." The obvious mare cooed gently as my vision was cut off by a celestial tail. Little by little the smell of pussy filled my nose, growing worse as she started walking up a flight of stairs. Only when I was tossed onto a bad and sat on did I have some time to gather myself.

"Wait- I--" I was cut off as she dipped her head down, locking eyes with me and bouncing her backside on my legs. "What the fuck is this!?"

The horse just stared into my eyes, unwavering. "I...you...." She pressed herself against me and jammed her tongue into my mouth. She wiggled it around in my mouth while still keeping an unwavering stare. She broke it off and leaned back. "I'm sorry...I need this...your face...it's so beautiful."

I lost focus as she dove back in and cut off my breathing. I was on the verge of blacking out when she finally broke off. "I'm- gonna die..."

"No!" The horse jabbed my gut with her hooves. "Don't die! You can't!" She looked around the room before looking back at me. "Don't die...please...I can--" she shook her head hard and jammed her hooves against my face. "What am I doing...this is wrong...." she moved her hooves ever so slightly, revealing a tiny bit of my face. "Aah aah haaha..." She pressed her hooves hard against my face as her backside rocked. "Buck...I'm sorry...you...whatever you are...I love you."

"That's nice, but you're crushing me!" I yelled as I tried to push her hooves off my face.

"Stop! I can't see you again...I just...I- wait!" I was granted a little reprieve from her hooves, quickly having it replaced by blindness. "There I- mmm, better...."

"I can't fucking see!" I panicked, trying to unblind myself. "Is this a fucking pillow case!?"

"No!" the pillowcase was jammed tight against my head. "I'm sorry...you can't take that off." I was lifted onto my feet and nudged around. "I have so many questions...so...many...questions." I was nuzzled by the amorous magical horse and pushed into a wall. "Beautiful...beautiful creature...I love you."

I was sat down in a seat and breathed on. "What the shit man!?" I was quickly bared down on by the mare, her hooves over my shoulder and neck rubbing against my head.

"Whatever you are...you...amazing creature, I...further study...Twilight...." she babbled to herself as I felt the chair lean back and drag me with it. The next few hours turned into a blur of fancy perfumes and the sexual equivalent of water boarding.

I sighed as I leaned back into the couch, the crowd of ponies somewhat dour as I finished my story. "Yeah.... Three days of that and I lost it." I rubbed my neck hard. "I mean...it wasn't all rape. It was a lot of questioning, being force fed and meeting new potential rapists."

Amber just stared at me. "Dude...do you taste the poo?"

I glared at her. "You wanted to know why I'm so pissed. Getting tossed around like the prison bitch always seemed like a good reason to me."

The courier looked up at me from her curled up position on my lap. "It's okay...you're still--"

"Say it and I'll throw you out the window."

She quieted down and just stared at my face. "Can I still look?"

I sighed and laid back. "See? They don't see it as wrong, they just see my face and get so fucking enthralled they loose reason."

Amber nodded. "Then why'd you answer the letter?"

I shrugged. "I thought maybe, just maybe I could move somewhere no one knew me, live a life with my bag and not be bugged about it."

My moping was cut short by the servant from the castle leading a blue maned mare inside. "Oh he's great, just beaaaah." She stared at me and walked straight into a door frame.

I pulled my bag on and stood up, launching the courier and making the docile crowd snap back into reality. The blue maned mare, too busy staring at the pained servant, was unable to catch a glimpse of me. "Umm...what just happened?" she asked as I walked over. "Oh- hi...you're George?"

I looked down harshly at the mare. "Yes...now who the hell are you?"

She flattened out her ears and took a step back. "Coco...Pommel...they said somepony wanted to hire me...."

I scratched my nose. "Good, so what are you?"

She looked left and right a few times. "A...a pony?"

"Not what I meant." I deadpanned and scooped the mare up. "Can you cook, garden, build, what can you do?"

"Oh...I make dresses." she answered with a bit of concern in her voice. "But...I don--" I set her down and undid my pants. "Um...what are you d--" I tossed my pants onto her face and pulled my shoes back on.

"Fix those, and make a few other pairs. I don't care what you make them out of, just do it." I flopped back down on the ratty couch and crossed my ankles. "Ask the courier for money if you need it, pick a pair of rooms, whatever, just fix my pants."

Coco pulled my pants off her face. "I...uh...what? I don't like to argue but...we need to--" she froze as I pulled my bag off. She went stiff as a board and stared at me. "I...what?"

"Fix my pants." I stated dryly as I dropped my bag back on. "Uh...clean yourself up first, then fix my pants."

Coco muttered to herself as she turned around and bopped herself into a wall. "Ow...I...sorry."

I frowned hard at her timid nature. She reminded me of the person who convinced Celestia to let me go. "Amber...go help her."

"Amber go help her, Amber listen to my depressing ass story, Amber suck my dick, Amber don't suck my dick, make up your fucking mind!"

Author's Note

SEXY+AMERICA=SMERICA

Butt hat

I walked around the refurbished area in the manor, toting about in my new mask. "Seriously thanks for that." I said calmly as I patted Coco. "Also, you make a great hat."

She shifted a little, dipping her back hoof off my forehead. "It's fine...but...can you put me down?"

"Quiet you...." I mumbled as I looked around the new room. "Man, this thing is great!" The smooth cotton bag Coco had stitched together fit leagues better and actually let me see. The only downside was ponies could see my eyes, and even that little bit was enough to make them go all wobbly. Not exactly auto orgasmic, but still an inconvenience.

Coco tried to pick her back leg up, only managing to trip and loose her footing completely. She hung her backside off my forehead and wrapped her hooves around my head. "I'm gonna fall!" She started frantically kicking and clawing at my face with her back hooves. "Help, help, George help me!"

"Fuck, fine." I held my hand under her back hooves and helped her get reseated. "I take it back, you're a terrible hat!"

"...Sorry...." she mumbled softly. "I can probably make you a hat."

"No, just get better at this. I like it."

As I strolled through and looked over the building Amber pranced in with a rat in her beak. "DusdlukwatIfoundsinthebashment"

I watched in horror as she crunched the rat in her beak. I reflexively brought my hand to cover Coco's eyes, only covering her flank instead. "Jesus Amber, just...fuck."

Amber wiped the blood from her mouth and walked over. "Dude, what? By the way did they fix the bathroom yet, I'm about to pass a fucking skeleton."

"See that Coco? See that amazing creature right there-"

"No."

"That creature still wonders why we never have sex. That person who just said, I'm about to pass a fucking skeleton, wonders why I don't want to have sex with her." I rubbed my eyes. "God damn it. I'm gonna go do stuff with Coco."

"Sex stuff?" Amber asked lazily.

"Maybe, point is fuck you." I flipped her the bird as I turned towards the door. "Wooop." I yelled as I raised my hand high in the air and popped my fist up. "Fucker."

"Prick!" Amber yelled indignantly.

I ignored her and stepped outside. I walked through the dead garden and out of the grounds. A quick walk into the town center and found a cafe. I took my mask off and set Coco down. She proved unable to keep up as she tried to stare at me and eventually resumed her life as a butt hat.

I had ponies staring at me like wolves, watching me and doing there best to seem uninterested. Others however started walking up to me, propositioning me, telling me the usual sexual fantasies I could fulfill. I ignored them, having to punch an aggressive stallion in the face.

I took a quick break from my work and stopped into a restaurant. The waitress walked over slowly and stopped dead when she got a clear look at my face. "Hi, can I heeeeello there." She stumbled into the table as I was setting Coco down. "Hi...so...can I interest you in my pie?" she asked with a wide, pleading, grin.

"Whoa--" another waitress spotted me and rushed over, bumping the first out of the way with her flank. "Hi there, so what do you think of this?" She quickly spun around and flipped her tail up.

I stared at Coco as the mare's flank lingered on the edge of my vision. "Seems like this place specializes in pie...eh...eh...get it?"

Coco just stared at me with her mouth hanging open. "I'm sorry...what? I uh...I'm listening...now...listening...."

It was obvious she wasn't paying attention, just staring at my face. As angry as I wanted to be I found it difficult. She was adorable, unassuming, submissive, she was manageable. "Coco...pie?"

"I uh...um...yes...whatever...."

I laughed and found my bag. I pulled it back on and tight against my head. I turned to the now dual presenting pair and picked them up. I plopped them both down on the table, glittery backsides facing Coco. "Well, there ya go. Two steaming fresh pies. Dig in."

Coco snapped back to reality with a worried look on her face. "Wait what?!"

I grabbed the two crystal waitresses and held them cheek to cheek. "You said you wanted some pie, there it is." I lifted my bag up, revealing my mouth. "Here, I'll get them warmed up."

The mare I put further right of the table started moaning as I locked eyes and gave the top of her muzzle a quick kiss. "Oh- oh- buck buck buck buck buck!" She kicked her leg out, nearly taking Coco out as she locked up. "Buck- buuuck- buck!" Her body went ridged as I spotted Coco catching a mouthful of mare cum. "Aaaah...buck yeah...." The first mare dropped her tail and went face down onto the table. "Tha-tha-buck.... I love you...can I live with you?"

"Nope." I stated coldly as I put my arm between her and the other waitress, quickly pulling my arm right and tossing the mare off the table. "Ready for more Coco?"

"It got in my mouth!" she shrieked as she spat and sputtered. "Please don't!"

I was moments from weaponizing the second waitress when her voice reached me. I felt a little guilty for messing with her. I kicked the table, spinning the mare's backside away from her and locked eyes with the second waitress. "Hey...I've got a question for you."

The waitress went rigid as I rubbed her cheek. Her breathing went heavy as her body squirmed. "Y-yeah I uh...I...I--"

"Warm slimy tongue wiggling deep inside your juicy pussy."

The mare's eyes went to pinpricks as her breathing picked up. Her back legs kicked wildly as she tried to kiss me. "Please, please, please, please!" She tried to move forward on the table, only managing to make it wobble and tip over. She let out a shrill scream as she not only came, but fell flat onto the ground. She wiggled around, jamming her hooves between her legs and squirming on the floor.

"Hey Coco."

She snapped up to me as I fixed my bag. "Yes sir!?"

"Let's go get some actual pie." I stood up and picked her up. "You wanna ride front of back?"

She squirmed in my grip. "I don't--"

"Back it is." I sat her back on my head, her warm underbelly heating up my crown while her tail hung over my face like a tassel. With my hat back in place I started off back home. We made it half way there before getting blindsides by the pony I had gather employees.

"Sir, sir, hey...security." She ran over and sat down. "Buck...I...found...security."

Maud strolled up calmly behind the winded runner. "Hello...."

"Oh fuck, it's you!" I shouted with a modestly happy tone. "So you wanna run security?"

She blinked at me before looking around. "Yes...."

I traced her vision to a nearby spire. "You uh...like the crystals?"

She blinked and looked back at me. "They're like rocks.... I like rocks."

I stared in awe at her as I rubbed Coco's flank. "I uh...wow...." something about her eyes bugged me. "Coco...meet Maud."

"I can't see anypony...."

"We're gonna have a threesome later." I clenched her flank as I stared at Maud. "So...uh...let's...get going."

Maud nodded calmly and walked next to me. Coco shifted before letting out a quick yelp. "She's dripping!"

I took a deep breath and looked down at the runner. "Hey so...you're not calming down. Are you gonna die?"

She laid on the ground and tried to steady her breath. "Yes, dying. Last wish...please--" I lifted my bag and watched as the runner's smile grew. "Oooh...I...can die...happy now." She slumped over, letting her tail raise into the air before slowly slumping down. "Thank you sir...."

"Sure...." I grumbled as I fixed my bag and started walking away. "Now, Maud, pie?"

She blinked once. "Sure."

I stopped and stared at her for nearly a minute. "God damn...Coco, is there any drugs you know of? Anything that...do you know what cocaine is?"

"Can I come down?"

"I guess not."

Author's Note

CHECK IT

Calm

I sat with Coco and Maud in an empty room, sitting on the floor and messing with some hoof polish. "This is nice...nice and calm."

"Sure...but why are you painting my hooves?"

I finished with her right hoof. "Because I have to look at it, I want something nice to look at." I turned to Maud. "She likes it!"

Maud looked up lazily. "I'm gonna go walk around." She stood up and started walking off.

Alone once again I started working on Coco's other hoof. "Why are you complaining!? Aren't you into fashion?"

"No...I uh...I like it. It's just kinda...weird." Coco lifted her freshly blue painted hoof. "It's kinda girly."

I finished up with her forelegs. "Yeah, kinda. But I like it. It's nice not being badgered and just doing something calm." I capped the bottle of polish and flipped Coco on her back. "And it's nice to look at, it makes me happy."

Coco blushed a little as she laid on her back. "That's...thank you."

"Seriously, don't thank me. Blue looks good at you and it'll look nice when I'm jamming myself inside you." I finished with half her hoof and sat back. "So yeah, still a prick." I noted to her as I went back to painting her hoof.

Coco just blushed and tried to cover her lower half with her tail. "I mean...I thought you didn't like ponies and sex."

"Correction." I finished with her hoof and sat back. "I don't like ponies badgering me for sex. Sex is good, forced sex is iffy. It's all fun and games when I'm the one on top, but getting constantly harassed by horny ass mares is really fucking annoying." I moved to her last hoof and got to work. "But you're nice and submissive, adorable too so that's pretty awesome."

Coco turned away as she wiggled around. "I don't like to be mean...."

"Exactly. You're nice, quiet, polite, girly. You're not thrusting your flank in my face and asking me to dive in." I almost finished up when a loud bang rang out. "What the fu--" I stopped dead as another loud thud bounced the floor, knocking over the bottle of light blue polish all over the floor. I stared in utter rage at the slowly growing puddle of goo.

I dipped the brush and finished up with her hoof. "Coco cover your ears."

Coco looked around nervously. "W-wh--"

"Cover your fucking ears!"

She jammed her front hooves against her head and covered her ears. I stood up and crushed the now spilt bottle under my boot. "Fucking ass crackers slut bag whore! Who the fuck did that!? I'll fucking fuck your ass with a baseball bat for that you twat!"

I slung Coco over my shoulder and charged into the next room. "Who the fuck had the balls!?" I looked around the next room where a load of ponies were moving a couch. "Who the fuck messed up my day!?"

The ponies froze as I stared them down. The courier walked out from behind the couch. "Sorry...that was my fault...." She walked nervously over and sat in front of me. "I'm really sorry...."

I glared at her and grabbed her by the tail. "Jerk off pony people, dropping shit and breaking my god damn house." I dragged her into a newly refurbished room and tossed the courier in. I set Coco down and stepped back. "See that shit!" I pointed to the uneven patch on Coco's hoof. "Ya fucked it up!"

The courier flatted out her ears. "Sorry, it was heavy!"

"Bullshit!" I yelled as I pulled my mask off. "Say that to my face."

The courier locked up and stared at me. Her tail slowly rose up before going parallel with her back. "I uh...I'm wet...." She spread her back legs and shifted a little. "I...can we...royal greeting?"

"Shut up." I snapped at her. "See that?" I pointed to Coco, who was equally enthralled by my face. "Coco...Coco stop."

"Huh?" She asked as she dropped to her haunches. "I uh...pretty."

I glared at her and turned to the courier. "Y- alright...what the hell is your name?"

"What do you want it to be?" the courier asked as she fluttered her eyelashes. "I can be whoever you want."

"Seriously, name, now!"

"Topi, short for topaz. Now please, yell at me again...look at me and yell at me." She shifted about as she bit her lip. "Just yell at me...."

"Fuck off!"

Topi let out a shrill squeal as she tightened up. "Oooooh yeah...that was enough...." She relaxed a little.

I watched as a few drops of her liquid dripped off her. "Oh...it really is glittery. Huh...." I rubbed my face. "Anyways! Topi, eat that!" I pointed to Coco as she focused on me. "Eat that now."

Topi looked at Coco. "I uh...hmm...finger me."

"Maybe...." I muttered to myself as I leaned against a wall. "Now eat that little Coco mare!"

"Wait...what's happeni-- buck!" Coco locked up as Topi prodded her with her nose. "What the buck are you doing!?" Before Coco could run Topi grabbed her flanks with her glittery hooves and dug in. "Bu-uuuck!" Coco squealed as her tiny body locked up. "St-stop--" I ducked down in front of her and locked eyes with her. "I- bu-u-uck...." She lowered her head and pressed her forehead against my nose. She came face to face with me as she tried to keep from locking up. "I- I- I- George...hi...hello...hi--" I rubbed her neck, making her shudder and lock up as Topi's head bobbed under her tail.

"Jesus...I feel like Kaa." I laughed to myself as Coco maintained unwavering eye contact. "Hey Coco, how do you feel?"

Coco locked up and lost herself for a few moments. Her eyes went as wide as dinner plates as she stood there and let Topi go to work tongue fucking her. "I...I...I...I...." Coco continued to babble as she rocked herself back and forth.

I laughed to myself as she continued to babble daintily. She occasionally popped her tail up as Topi let out a short moan. I could see Topi's right eye peeking out from behind Coco's tail, staring at me as she slurped up at Coco's backside.

"Oh wow...my dick is just aching right now...." I laughed to myself as the mares enjoyed their fun and stared at me. "I am just like Kaa--" A loud knocking snapped me out of my perverted fun. "Son of a bitch! Topi munch that muffin!"

With the two mares locked in the room I hurried to the front door. I swung the door open to Maud's bored face. She just stared at my bare face as her tail forced its way out of her dress. "You have a visitor...."

I looked behind her and found Cadance's husband gawking at my face as he hoovered his dong just above the floor. "Uh...I uh...I was wondering if you--"

"No, nothing gay." I stated cleanly. "Not for anything."

"Come on! I'm offering to cheat on my wife here, just for you!"

"And your wife did the same fucking thing! Go take a picture and tape it to the back of her head!"

"It's not the same damn it!" Shining yelled as he nearly stomped his own johnson. "I'll be on bottom, just please...pl--"

"Come back when you don't have a dick. Ta-ta."

"Wha--" Shining freaked out, quickly being stopped by Maud. "Get the--" Maud quickly jabbed him with her hoof and knocked him to the ground. "Oh dear Celestia...why!?"

"Good work Maud. Threesome's gonna be a foursome alright?"

Maud looked at me and blinked. "Wonderful...."

I nodded and walked back inside the house. I hurried back to the room where I left Topi and Coco. Coco was panting and spent on the floor while Topi licked her lips. "George...finish me off?"

I looked around. "Ha! Well...crystal cum is a good a way as any to christen a bedroom." I walked over and looked eye to eye with her. She bit her lip as I worked my hands to her rear and sunk my finger into her. I tugged and wiggled my fingers around her insides for a moment before making Topi lock up, glow red across her muzzle and bite her lip hard. She let out a stiff moan as she glazed my hand.

"Mmmm, buck yeah...." She mumbled to herself as she slumped into my arms and relaxed. "George...I love you...we should have foals...."

"Sure...go the fuck to sleep you damp bint."

Topi laid her head across Coco's stomach and passed out. I found a pony, quickly stared them into servitude and got some more polish. I spent the rest of the day painting my main mare's hooves.

Author's Note

All praise cult leader Coco.

Crystals

I climbed up to the roof and found a flat part of the manor. I took off my bag and started setting down my tools. Amber flew up and landed next to me. "Hey...you got the stuff?"

I dumped my bag on the roof and started finding the balls. "Fifty of em. You ready?"

Amber reached into my bag and pulled out a five iron. "Fuck yeah pussy! So...are we counting windows, distance, ponies, what are we doing here?"

I pulled a pair of binoculars out of my bag and scanned the horizon. "Holy shit...Amber...look." I tossed her the binoculars. "Cross dressing Shining Armor eleven O' clock!"

"Sweet Cyclone's ghost!" Amber threw the binoculars down and started winding up. "First to clock him in the side of the head wins!" Amber set down a trio of crystal balls and started firing them off the roof, tearing away crappy shingles with her swings. "Come on!"

I grabbed a club in a flash and joined her in the crystal onslaught. "Fucking cheating bitch!" I lined up a shot and pegged a passing pony in the flank. They jump and bolted away while Shining started moving in a serpentine pattern. "Fuck! Amber you shoot I load!" I threw my club off the roof, almost taking out a passing worker. "Shoot!"

"I am, fucker!" She pulled the club back and fired off a shot. I replaced it immediately. We fell into a smooth rhythm, shooting off an amazing amount of balls at the sprinting drag princess. "Fucking- damn- shit- come on!" Amber snapped the club in two and grabbed another ."He's in heels! How the fuck is he running so fast!?"

I grabbed the binoculars in between replacing balls. Shining was indeed dressed up in fishnets, four heeled shoes and a bright pink dress. "Wow...he's got more makeup on than his wife." I tossed them aside and set five balls down. "Shotgun tactics!"

Amber leaned back, swinging the club extremely hard. She launched the five balls dead center at Shining, he caught one to the leg and crumpled. "Buck my ass!"

Amber let out a victorious yell as she swung the club like a shot-put, launching it off the back end of the building and into the garden. "Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah, fucker!"

I slammed my hands against her talons and locked us together. "You beautiful bitch! I think you got him right in the nuts!" We started laughing like idiots as Shining limped forward. "Fuck me, he's still moving!" I threw Amber back, looking for a club. "Damn, we fucking threw em all!"

Amber shook her head and scooped up a bunch of balls. "Fuck- that- we can- club-less!"

I joined her and started pelting Shining with balls. Shining finally crawled under my awning and into a safe area. "Damn! He dressed like a lady and got pelted by balls! Go figure...."

"Well...he just got shit on. Now what?" Amber asked, tossing a ball in her talon.

I let out a short sigh, "I should probably make sure he's not actually hurt." I pulled my bag back on and started climbing down the house. Maud was waiting for me below. "Maud, sup?"

"There's a stallion in a dress at the gate...."

"Was he limping?" I jumped down, landing hard in the grass.

"He was crying."

I started laughing. "Maud...I love you...not even a hint of sympathy." I picked her up in a decent hug and started walking towards the front gate. I could feel something wetting my arm as I walked. "Maud...are you--"

"You smell nice...."

"So that is pony liquid...nice." I shifted her in my grip and hurried over. Just beyond the front gate was Shining, standing wobbly with eyeliner streaming down his face.

"George- hi there...." Shining croaked, tapping the gate. "I was wondering--"

"No...bro, I'm not gay." I Shifted Maud in my grip, pointing her plot at Shining. "See this?" I flipped up Maud's dress. "See...." I felt around until I found a squishy warmth. "This!? This is my love, this is my life!"

I pulled my bag off and stared into Maud's eyes. "...." Maud just stared, unblinking. My hand was slowly soaked as I pulled her lips open.

"Squirt...shoot him in the mouth!" I whispered forcefully. "I believe in you!"

Maud just grew slightly red, her expression unchanging. I looked past her, finding shining gawking at me and rubbing his underside. I moved Maud closer and started toying with her sopping wet sex. My hands dug into her supple flesh, toying with her until her leg kicked up, shooting a stream of fem jizz through the gate and straight onto Shining's mane.

I started snickering as I set Maud down and pulled my bag back on. "H-holy shit...Shining...I feel so bad for you." I scratched my head as he bashed his head against the gate. "Uhhh...same deal as before. I don't do dudes...uhhhh, here." I took off my bag and tossed it at him. "Go ahead and keep that...can add it to the shrine."

Shining picked up my bag gingerly, clutching it against her stomach and rocking back and forth. "I'll find a way...I promise...I'll find a way...."

"Sure buddy...no go rail your wife and shut up." I turned away, scratching my head as I walked back inside the house. Maud was sticking to my right leg as I walked.

I pushed into the house, causing each and every worker to freeze and stare at me. Topi popped out from behind a corner, snickering. "Heeeeello there!" She walked out, tail held high, prancing over. "I--" Maud stepped forward, bumping her chest against Topi. "I was gonna--"

Maud just stared her down, slowly eroding Topaz's resistance and causing the crystalline pony to back off. Maud just stood there, fronting to the crowd. Stoic, like a guard rock.

I let out a curt laugh. "Coco!? I need a new bag...my old one's probably covered in cum by now."

Coco trotted down the stairs with a pair of blinders on. "George? Which way...."

"Coco," I walked over and stood before her. "What the hell is this?" I tugged at the blinders.

"...Well...if we see you...we go...um, stupid. But if I don't--" I cut her off, pulling the blinders off and looking her in the eyes. "I uh...hi...hello...." Coco locked up. "I...bag...bags...."

I spotted a bright red bag sitting half out of her saddle pack. I pulled it out and put it on. "Alright...that was fun." I started heading towards the front door. "Anyone wanna play some golf?"

"Um...I uh...." Topi walked over. "I was gonna tell you, I found a gardener."

"Yep!" Roseluck walked out from behind a wall. "Straight outta Ponyville, I'm here to buck shit up!"

"Uh...I...." I looked around the room. "Golf?"

Roseluck smiled wide. "I'll watch...."

"Yep." Topi walked over and tossed her hat away. "Count me in."

Maud walked over too.

I looked down at the small herd gathering around me. "Uh...Coco...you wanna come?"

Coco's ear went flat. "I...I don't like heights." I ignored her and picked her up. "Hey wait! Wait!"

"Your four, roof sex and golf!" I started laughing like an idiot. "Someone bring a strap on and a towel!"

Topi ran off, leaving the rest of us to find a way to the roof. It was a brutish task, but eventually I managed to pull the four mare herd up the wall and onto the roof.

"Amber...golf club." I handed her a five iron. "Griffon brand is best brand."

Amber yanked the club from my hands. "Fuck yeah it is!" Amber scrambled upright and started firing off balls into the town.

I settled down with the ponies nuzzling against me. Rose eventually taking down mare after mare while staring at my face. Topi and Coco only lasted a few seconds, but once she got to Maud, she reached a problem.

Rose got into position behind Maud, red in the face from the two previous mares. "George...look at me...look at me...look at me!"

"I fucking am!"

"Hey...you be quiet before I blow you so hard...." Rose hissed, thrusting against Maud. Maud just laid down and stared at me, unwavering. Rose took a deep breath and stuck her false dong.

Rose let out a short huff, followed by another, and another. "Oh...what...?"

I started laughing as Rose tried to pull back. "What's wrong?"

Rose grew flustered as she shifted her grip from Maud's thighs to her flank. "I'm stuck...it's stuck inside her...."

I let out a raspy laugh. "Wh-what!?"

Rose started heaving. "George, George, I'm stuck! Help!"

I made a sharp whistle. "Amber! Roseluck needs someone to fuck her!"

"What!?"

Amber finished up with her shot and looked over. "Eh...alright." She scooped up a few golf balls and tucked the club under her arm. "Come on pony, let's go have some fun."

"What!? No, I never--" Rose was yanked free, the strap on harness coming apart from the dildo. "Wait!" Amber grabbed her by her mane and flew off. "George!?"

"Bye! Consider this payback!" I sat back on the roof and looked out of the three remaining ponies. I leaned back, nestling against Topi and pulling Coco over my chest like a blanket. Maud sat on my legs, resting her head against Coco's back.

I let out a pleased sigh as I went to sleep surrounded by the smell of horse pussy. "It's good to be a sex god."

Author's Note

Mmmhmm...welcome to the madhouse.

Dragged

Author's Note

AHAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No really...you'll get a link per thing.

And only one way this can end now....

Dragged

I stared down at him, the slits in my paper bag a bit ragged. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I rubbed my face and looked up at the crystal castle in the distance. "Does she know?"

Shining coughed into his hoof. "...No...."

I shook my head slowly. "You sicken me...." I rubbed my eyes. "So hungry for my dick that you'll go and cut your dick off because of it."

Shining let out a sharp whimper. "I hate myself enough already! Can you just...help me."

I shook my head again. "So what did you do? Cut it off?"

Shining grew pink and swept her tail around to cover his face. "...Potions.... It took a few days but it just kinda went inside."

I grimaced hard enough to suck my lower lip into my mouth. "Son, you're one gay horse."

Shining dropped his head forward and huffed. "You said you wanted a mare!" He stomped his hooves and looked up at me. "I'm a mare now, just--rut--bitch--help me!"

I rubbed my chin through my bag. The loud crinkling made Shining uneasy. "You sucked yourself off to my face, didn't you?" I shook my head and held my bag against my head. "That's super sad."

Shining laid down and covered his head with his hooves. "I hate you so much! I hate you so Celestia damned much!"

I nodded. "Oh I'm sure.... That's why you're here begging me to stick you like a pig on a spit. Well guess what fucker, George has the power now! I've got the fuck stick now nigga!" I held my arms out. "I'm the thug now you little bitch! Woo!" I stuck my leg out and leaned back. "Lester Speight you are my fucking spirit animal! Woo!"

Shining leaned away from me. "What?"

"You don't come to my gate with a pussy like that! Not in my house!" I hopped in place. "God damn...that felt good." I rubbed my arms and unrolled my sweater. "Also, no. I got Coco for company, Topi for the pussy... I think Roseluck is off somewhere getting nailed in the ass, and Maud is somewhere here...." I scratched my head. "Isn't she supposed to be security? Who let you in here?"

"Please don't!" Shining stuck a hoof out. "Please! I've put myself through so much for this!"

I shrugged. "So? What do I get out of this?"

"Sex!"

I rubbed my chin. "Really doesn't hold as much sway over me now that I have, one, two, a house full of maids and mares to slam until I can't feel my balls." I smiled under my bag. "Bitch, don't, have, shit." I leaned my arm down and flipped him off. "Suck my dick! Suck my fucking balls!" I slammed my hands into my pelvis. "Woo! Fuck you!"

Shining's eyes started to water. "I changed for you...and you still won't touch me."

"Nope. I started snickering. "Hey remember when your aunt kept me locked up and you didn't help? Yeah...karma is a mean, mean, mother fucking brutal bitch!" I started humping the air. "You--are--my--slut! Unf! Fucking double unf! Unf--unf!" I growled at the air. "Mother fucker eat all the shit! Eat it!"

Shining plopped down to his haunches. "What would it take?"

"What?" I stopped my cheering and turned to the femboy. "Oh my god...are you still--"

"What do you want?" Shining huffed. "I thought playing on sympathy would work but--"

"What sympathy!?" I held my arms out. "Your little princess tossed more pussy at me than I could handle, and you expect me to be nice!? How about you suck dog balls!"

"Fine, if that's what you want."

I locked up. "Oh my god...you're serious?" I clapped my hands together and took a deep breath. "You'll do anything I want!?"

Shining hung his head low. "Well you're obviously not going to help me otherwise."

"Leave your wife--"

"Done."

I brought my hands to my mouth, still separated by the bag. "Oh my god!" I started laughing like a maniac. "I need two changelings too!"

"I can get that."

I squealed like a little girl. "Okay, so...they lay eggs, right? Even when not--"

Shining let out a sharp whimper. "And you're gonna--"

"In public! On the castle balcony! And if we're doing this right, I'm gonna declare myself king and take you like a fucking concubine!"

Shining's face twisted into a terrified display, but his tail popped up and hung there. "That is...I should throw you in the dungeon for saying that--"

I reached out and grabbed the back of Shining's head. I pulled his muzzle square against my junk and held him there. "Breathe."

Shining really didn't need to be told. He took in an extremely deep breath and held it before nuzzling deeper against my groin. His eyes fluttered shut as he stood there, nose buried in my dick. "Mmhphuck...."

"That's what I thought." I started to snicker. "Oh god...it's the end of days! It's the end of Equestria mother fuckers! George wins! George is the victor this time you sluts!" I raised my arms up and threw my bag off. "Fuck you ponies, human wins! Ponies will eat all the dicks! Woo!" I rested my hand on Shining's head as he stood there huffing my balls. He spread his legs out and I couldn't help but watch as his new boycunt dripped onto the ground behind him. "George wins...and George is coming for that pussy Cadance...."