More Dreams

by totallynotabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Random, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna
Length: 70211

A human-turned-pony hangs out in Equestria and trolls

A night of tequila and bad choices lead to a man being ponyfied. He thinks it's only a dream, but is quickly labeled Ponyville's resident lunatic.

Also giant robots, for some reason.

This is a companion to my story, A Dream.
These chapters are the random stories that don't match any episode of the show.

Published 2012-03-31 03:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-24 11:48:12 UTC

Luna's Lesson part 2

“All right, read me that checklist,” I said. “It’s for startup procedures.” I looked at Princess Luna, who sat beside me in the cockpit of the Robot. She was back in disguise.

“Step one,” said Luna. “Add fuel.”

“I’ve did that earlier this morning. What’s next?”

“Step two, light the fire.”

“It’s hot. I got that going earlier, too.”

“Step three, ensure steam pressure is sufficient.”

I checked the gauge. It was in the green zone. “That’s good.”

Luna frowned. “Step four is just question marks and step five says ‘profit’.”

I laughed. “Yeah, one day I’ll figure out how to get money out of these crazy endeavors. In the meantime, I’ll just have to settle for awesome.” I opened the main steam flow valve and heard the turbines that drove the hydraulic pump spin up. With any luck, everything would work.

“The controls are yours, Princess.”

She tentatively leaned forward, placing her front hooves in the cuffs that maneuvered the robot’s manipulators. Her back legs reached out to the pedals that controlled the rest.

“It is very strange,” she said. “I know nothing of two-legged movement.”

“Well, the next time you’re building a robot, do it how you want.”

“I did not mean to offend. You are clearly the expert.” I knew she wasn’t being sarcastic. She probably didn’t even know how. It may have been the nicest thing a pony had ever said to me.

I blushed a little. “Well, you’ll get used to it after a while.”

Luna took a few cautious steps with the robot, getting a feel for the controls.

“If you increase pressure a little bit and give the pedals a good shove, the leg actuators can actually cause the thing to hop off the ground,” I said. Luna tried it, bouncing the robot a few inches into the air. She smiled.

There was a safe working pressure limit for the hydraulics. Overpressure resulted in higher performance, but greatly reduced reliability. At the highest setting, the power was incredible, but the service life was measured in minutes.

Like a moron, I forgot to warn Luna about the emergency pressure control.

“What’s this large red button?” she asked, touching it before I could stop her.

The turbines shifted into a higher pitch and suddenly shit got real. Luna moved her hoof back in surprise as I tried and failed to stop the button from being pushed. Her sudden movement caused the robot’s arm to twitch. The higher level of power made the movement much faster and stronger than normal. The heavy momentum carried the robot around in a circle.

I was thrown against the wall of the cockpit by the force. I couldn’t remember whether it was called centrifugal or centripetal, but either way it sucked a whole bunch.

Luna was desperately trying to recover from the spin. She was doing a beautiful job of keeping the robot upright by dancing from one leg to another, but we only seemed to be going in circles faster.

I felt lightheaded and a creeping blackness began to close in on my vision. So this is what it must be like to be pulling g’s like a fighter pilot. I’d always wondered, but I never thought I’d experience it trapped inside a giant robot with a magical pony at the controls. Funny the curves life can throw at you sometimes.

Well, I wasn’t wearing a g-suit, so there was nothing to keep the blood from rushing out of my brain. As far as blackouts go, it wasn’t too bad. I just wish I wasn’t feeling crushed by all that circular force. Such is existence.

I woke up on my back with Photo Finish poking a camera into my face. I swatted it away and it broke on the cobblestones.

Sitting up, I looked around. I appeared to be in Canterlot, near the castle. Strange.

“Valiant, you never fail!” cried Photo Finish. “Sixteen smashed shutters! The shutters go inside the cameras! One day I, Photo Finish, will finally succeed in taking your picture!”

“You’ve been trying ever since you lost Fluttershy as a model,” I said. “I really just want to be left alone. Go away and take your magicks with you.”

She gathered up the largest pieces of her camera and dashed away.

I got up from the ground as Princess “Cheese” Luna walked over to me. “She’s a fashion photographer, yes?”

“Something like that. I don’t understand why she keeps stalking me.” Looking around, I said, “So…how did we get here?”

“I don’t know,” said Luna.

"I hope the robot's all right. If it got loose, I forsee massive property damage in the near future. Are you sure you have no idea how we got here?"

“I think that magic may have been involved.”

“I love how in Equestria you can just explain away anything with magic. Got some mysterious problem? Must have been magic. Something unexplainable happened? Magic did it.”

“With great magic comes great power,” said Luna.

“With great power comes great responsibility,” I added.

“With great responsibility comes great stress,” she said.

“With great stress comes great quantities of alcohol.”

Luna gave me a strange look. “What is—”

“Hey look, Pony Joe’s! Let’s get donuts!”

I pulled her inside the shop. Joe remembered me from the Grand Galloping Gala afterparty. He asked how my friends were doing.

It took me a moment to realize that he was talking about Twilight, et all. Or was that Twilight etc. ? I hate Latin.

After I realized that, I realized that if it took me a moment to realize that I had friends, then I wasn’t a very good friend myself. I was sad for a little bit, but then Joe served me a donut and I didn’t worry about it for a while.

“I am not familiar with many of these pastries,” said Luna.

“Huh? This place is right across the street from the castle. How have you not been here before?”

“You work at the castle?” asked Pony Joe.

“She’s the cheese advisor,” I said. “Speaking of advice, what would you recommend for a first time donut eater?”

He considered her for a moment. “Powdered. Raspberry filling. Sprinkles for color.” He found exactly that donut and sat it down in front of Luna.

Without thinking, Luna lifted it with her magic.

“Oh my Celestia, it’s floating!” shouted Pony Joe. “The spirits are back!” He sprinted into the kitchen and out of sight.

“Hey, are you all right?” I called from my spot at the counter.

“Bad experiences. Vengeful ghosts. I shouldn’t have built the shop on this site, okay?” The muffled voice made it sound like Pony Joe was hiding in a pile of flour bags.

“I might be able to call some professionals to help with that.”

“Who are you going to call?”

I debated how to answer that. “Ghostbusters” was a tempting choice, although I was pretty sure he wouldn’t get the joke. I had been counting on laughter to help him see the bright side of the situation. If there was a bright side. His shop was apparently built on some ancient burial grounds or something.

“Uh, right now I’m just going to leave some bits on the counter and we’ll go,” I said. “Don’t worry, I won’t forget about your problem.”

Luna finished her donut as we went out the door. “It was delightful!” she said happily.

“You got a little…yeah, right there.” At my direction, she wiped some powdered sugar off her mouth.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now that we’ve had our donut break and I can think clearly again, why the hell did we suddenly get transported to Canterlot a few minutes ago!?”

Luna shrugged. “I told you already. Magic.”

“Well, magic us back.”

“I believe it would be safer to ride the train.”

“ Ugh. Fine.”

Ponyville was a smoldering ruin when we got back.

“That’s strange,” I said. “Did everyone have an apocalypse and forget to invite us?”

“Buck this!” said the train conductor. “We’re not stopping here!”

“But this is our stop,” I told him.

“There’s nothing left to stop at!”

“Can I borrow your pocket watch?”

“Huh? Why?”

“I’m going to use the chain to snag a tree beside the rails so I don’t hurt myself jumping out of a moving train.”

“No way am I letting you have it!”

“It’s either that or I push you out of the train ahead of me so I can land on your body to cushion my fall,” I pointed out, rather reasonably.

Instead, the conductor got the train to stop. I admired his creative response to my demands.

Luna and I walked through the wrecked town. “What could have happened here?” she said, fearfully.

“Help…” called a faint voice. We went over to the remains of a house and pulled a disheveled Berry Punch out of the carnage.

“What happened?” I asked.

“It was horrible! This giant, metal thing obliterated all my stuff!” She looked around. “And my neighborhood!”

I looked at Luna. “Sounds like we’ve got a robot to stop.” I asked Berry which way it had gone. She had no idea.

“Luckily, we’ve got these large metal footprints everywhere,” I said.

“Very convenient,” said Luna. We followed the tracks out of town.

Near Sweet Apple Acres, we came upon the scene of an epic battle. Scattered robot parts were everywhere.

“What happened?” asked Luna.

I studied the scene. Since I had built the only two robots in town, I knew all the parts and pieces that went into them.

“By the looks of the oil stains, the Cutie Mark Crusaders put up a heck of a fight.” I looked at Luna seriously. “But they lost.”

She nodded grimly. “We must keep going.”

As we followed the tracks past the Apple’s barn, the door opened a crack.

“Valiant? Cheese? Is that you?” It was the Crusaders.

“You’ve got to stop that thing!” cried Apple Bloom.

“It’s just walking around with nopony inside!” said Sweetie Belle.

“I once went to the dentist and got three fillings put in!” exclaimed Scootaloo. All of us looked at her.

“Sorry,” she said. “I’ve just never been this scared before.”

“Perfectly normal,” I said. “We’re going to go kick some shiny metal ass now. Want to tag along?”

“That is not a good idea,” said Luna.

“But what else do they have to live for?” I asked. “Once you take away a filly’s giant robot, what can she do?”

“It actually wasn’t that badly damaged,” said Sweetie Belle. “Sure it’s in a bunch of parts, but that’s really just like putting a puzzle back together.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well anyway, let’s go.” I started forward.

We found the robot in the Everfree Forest giving noogies to a bear. I could only imagine the horror it would cause Fluttershy.

“Okay everyone,” I said. “How are we going to do the takedown?”

“I’ll reverse the magic,” said Luna.

“You can do that? Why didn’t you do that before?”

“Magic?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Yeah, I guess you three were going to find out eventually anyway. This is actually Princess Luna in disguise.”

Luna let her disguise spell drop. The three fillies immediately bowed. That was some really clever indoctrination that the Princesses had going. I wondered if every young pony had to learn it in school.

I shook my head. Focus on the robot, not on the tyranny of Equestria’s leaders. “Anyway,” I said. “Back to business. You can start any time now, Princess.”

She lit up her horn and concentrated. As it turned out, reversing the magic only caused the robot to go zipping backwards towards Ponyville.

“Well,” I said, “It’s probably going to go pulverize the wreckage in reverse order now.”

“I have to stop this!” said Luna, more purposefully than usual. She flapped her wings and shot after the robot.

The Crusaders and I came to the top of a hill overlooking the town and stopped to watch. As the robot rumbled closer, the citizens who had managed to extricate themselves from the debris screamed and ran. Princess Luna had reached a reasonably high altitude, and suddenly dove, straight at the robot. Around her, a crackling blue glow of energy built up, releasing in a huge flash as she impacted the robot, driving it into the ground.

I slipped on my sunglasses to protect my eyes from the flash. The Crusaders all applauded excitedly. As the glare wore off, I was surprised to see that Ponyville was completely back to normal.

We trotted down the hill to find out what had happened. Luna was surrounded by cheering ponies, one of whom was Twilight.

“I have no idea how this happened!” said the purple unicorn. She spotted me. “Valiant, what do you know about this?”

“Well, Luna and I were getting rocked by g-forces when the robot decided to execute an unplanned, violent rotation. Suddenly we were in Canterlot. A while after that we were back here. Also, Ponyville is suddenly not destroyed.”

She nodded. “I have no idea what any of this means.”

I shrugged. “Magic did it.”

Twilight, being an egghead, didn’t leave it alone, however, and came up with some theory about the laws of time and space being distorted by centrifugal force.

“Or do you mean centripetal force?” I asked.

“No, I mean…wait, what was the difference again? Ugh! Now I have to rethink everything!”

Regardless of what she came up with, it seemed like the runaway robot and the unexplained trip to Canterlot had both been caused by Luna’s magic. She didn’t know much about it, I didn’t know much about it, and Twilight was probably going to stay up all night trying to find out about it.

All the townsponies were grateful to Luna for basically negating a whole disaster area. They didn’t have to know that she’d caused it in the first place.

I oversaw the reconstruction of the Crusaders’ robot. True to prediction, it didn’t take much effort. Needing something to do, they took my suggestion to try for ghostbusting cutie marks.

I don’t think anyone, myself included, thought that tutoring Luna would take only two days. As she departed with her guard detachment, I asked Spike to write a letter for me.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Your sister made a mistake with a robot, but managed to learn from it and improve herself. After some social interaction, she’s become comfortable in public and has adopted a more modern method of speaking. She’s also suddenly a hero in Ponyville.

I still can’t believe you made me do this because for some reason you think that I’m slightly more qualified than the Elements of Harmony. Are we cool now?

Valiant

P.S. Can I get a restraining order against Photo Finish?

“Send it, Spike,” I said. He puffed fire and the letter disappeared.

“So what exactly happened today?” he asked.

“Let’s see, robot, unexpected teleportation, donuts, more robot.”

“What was that second to last one?” said Spike.

“Oh, we stopped at Pony Joe’s while we were in Canterlot. By the way, do you know anything about his store being built on an ancient evil burial ground or something?”

“Oh yeah, it’s right there on the corner. Everypony told him it was a terrible idea, but you how real estate goes, location, location, location.”

I nodded. Compared to some of the “it’s magic, don’t ask questions” things that I had seen that day, this actually made sense. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were in for a surprise.

“Well, anyway, speaking of location, I’m going to go lie down on the couch and pretend this whole thing never happened.”

“Good luck,” said Spike cheerfully.

Author note:
A shoutout to Bloodpool for some plot points.

Was anyone else really excited to see that Pony Joe was coming back for an appearance in the episode MMMystery on the Friendship Express? Best backgroundie ever.

Also, I'm reorganizing this story to contain all random stories about Valiant. Parts 1 and 2 of Luna's Lesson will have basically nothing to do with the coming chapters. Everything that's based on the show will still be posted under A Dream.

Next time on More Dreams: Valiant and Twilight do Earth

Twilight visits Earth

This describes what happened during the missing eighteen hours of my version of The Last Roundup.
You probably should read that first.

Twilight wanted to know more about Earth. I was cool with that. Ever since she’d woken up with me in my apartment, it had been all kinds of awkward between us. If I could get her mind on something else, it would leave me alone to think about ways to get her to never come back.

I mean, it was cool that she now believed that I was actually human, but I didn’t relish the thought of her spending too much time on my turf. Besides, she was a Loyalist. We didn’t need no stinking royalty-worshippers around here.

After getting her used to being in a human body and dressed, we left the apartment. I made sure to lock the door. Unfortunately, crime rates were higher than in Equestria. A sad fact of the economy.

We went out to the parking lot and got in my Plymouth Breeze. It was about the gayest car you could buy in the 1990’s. Too bad it’s 2012. Still, Bree-Z, as my car would be called if it was a rapper, was dependable and easy to park.

Twilight seemed fascinated with the door handles, but ultimately couldn’t figure out how they worked. I had to open the passenger door for her, making me feel rather chivalrous. It felt weird. Way too gentlemanly for me.

I went around to the other side and got in. “You’ll need to fasten your seat belt,” I said, demonstrating with my own.

“Why would you want to be held down?” she asked.

“Safety first. Also, it’s the law. You can be fined if you don’t.”

“You sure have a lot of laws.” I had previously explained to her about why she had to wear clothes.

“Welcome to America.” I stuck the key in the ignition and started the car.

“Oh my God, it’s alive!” I said, throwing my hands up.

Twilight shrieked and clawed at the window. I think she would have started headbutting the glass if I hadn’t given away the joke with my laughter.

She glared at me as I dropped the car into drive and pulled out of the parking lot. It was early Saturday morning, and the traffic was light.

“So what is there to do in your city?” she asked.

“Well, breweries and the Harley Davidson factory are pretty much the only things of note. I know you can’t handle your alcohol, and I doubt you’re interested in motorcycles.”

“Are there other places nearby?”

“Sure.” I reached across her lap and fumbled in the glovebox. I handed her a map of the state.

“You are here,” I pointed.

“Mil-wau-kee,” she said slowly. She tried and failed to pronounce the names of some of the surrounding suburbs. “Where do all these difficult names come from?”

“A lot of places in the United States were named after the last native to leave, if they weren’t named after the first white man to get there. We were basically terrible and took all their land, but they got their revenge with a whole bunch of unpronounceable stuff. I mean, Waukesha? Mequon? Sheboygan?”

“So where do you suggest we go?”

“Well, I could take you over to Madison and show you the state government there. We could go up to Manitowoc and ride the ferry across the lake to Michigan, but that’s boring. I’ve got a better idea.”

“What’s that?”

I grinned. “Chicago. It’s so awesome it’s not even on the map.” …because it was a map of Wisconsin.

“Well, all right, let’s go.” She seemed more enthusiastic than before.

“Set us a course for I-94, Ms. Sparkle.”

“Um, what?”

“Oh boy, you get to learn about the Interstate Highway System, too!”

We were past the Illinois state line by the time I convinced Twilight that President Eisenhower had basically created 40,000 miles of four-lane highway just to screw with the minds of the Soviets. While that may have been stretching the truth somewhat, it proved to be excellent propaganda.

Twilight didn’t understand the concept of feet and inches, and therefore not miles. No pony had ever come up with the idea of a meter, either, so we basically had no way to translate Earth distances into something she could understand.

“It’s big,” I said. “Okay?” I thought of something. “Maybe we can do this another way. How long is an Equestrian year?”

“Three hundred sixty-five days.”

“So is an Earth year. Can we agree that they probably have about the same solar orbital period?”

“I suppose.”

“And if that’s the case, can we say that they have the same mass, and therefore about the same size?”

“That makes sense.”

“Okay, so say that the planet is twenty five thousand miles in diameter, and the United States is three thousand miles wide. Does that give you a good idea how big it is?”

“Not really. Most of the rest of our planet is unknown.”

“You’ve never explored it?”

“We haven’t really been outside of Equestria, no.”

I slapped my hand on the dashboard. “Don’t that beat all. Knowledge of advanced celestial mechanics, but no idea what you’re sharing the planet with.”

“Speaking of celestial mechanics, how do you know all that stuff about orbital periods and whatnot?”

“I used to date a rocket scientist. We broke up. She said she needed some…space.”

Twilight didn’t appear to get the joke.

Chicago itself is buried in a teeming mass of suburbs and municipalities that stretches something like thirty miles in any direction. Through sheer good luck, I made it to I-90 and headed towards the center of the city.

Twilight ducked low in her seat. “What was that?!”

“It’s just an airplane. O’Hare is right over there. It’s the third-busiest airport in the world.”

“You couldn’t have built all those 'airplanes' by yourself.”

I gritted my teeth. I had once told her that I’d invented the concept of heavier-than-air flight.

“Oh look!” I said, pointing out the window. “It’s a mall!”

I really, really, didn’t want to expose her to crowds like that, but I reasoned that it was better than fessing up. I jerked the car off the exit and found a parking space near the entrance.

“That’s a really large building,” remarked Twilight. “What do they do there?”

“Just about everything. Let’s take a look.”

I had let her borrow a pair of flip flops once she discovered that feet are tender and not at all like hooves. It looked weird with the borrowed business suit that one of my exes had left in the apartment, but there was no way I was spending any money on an outfit for her. I was already in deep enough with buying gasoline.

“It’s all so strange,” said Twilight, walking slowly and looking around. “Some of these things I recognize, like clothes, but others I have no idea about.” She pointed to a Radio Shack.

“Indeed.” I could only imagine the horrors of what Twilight could do with advanced electronics.

She sniffed the air. “What’s that smell?”

“What, that guy with BO?”

“No, it’s like food.”

“Kind of a spicy, wholesome smell?”

She nodded.

I pointed over her shoulder. “Probably that gyro shop.”

“What’s a gyro?”

“It’s a sandwich. It’s made of cute baby lambs.”

“Uh…I think I want to go back to the car.”

On the way out, she got distracted by a rack of pamphlets near the door. She plucked one out of its holder. “The Museum of Science and Industry,” she read.

I groaned. I already knew where this was going. I pulled her out the door, although she was still reading and didn’t seem to mind.

“It says it’s the largest science museum in the western hemisphere. What’s a hemisphere?”

“That’s right, ponies aren’t global travelers. A hemisphere is half the planet. The museum is the largest one on this side of Earth.”

“Can we go?” she said. “Please? There’s a coupon in the brochure.”

“Fine.” I supposed it wouldn’t be too bad. I’m pretty interested in Science and Industry.

Truthfully, visiting the museum was about the best thing I could have done to introduce Twilight to humans, America, and the whole Earth. I had no idea what kind of emotions she was experiencing, but I was almost afraid to talk to her for fear of upsetting her mental hard drives. She sure was learning a lot in a short period.

There were trains, and planes, and automobiles. A vintage submarine had its own exhibit. One whole wing was devoted to outer space. There were displays about modern farming, the energy industry, and geology. Freakily enough, there were also a couple of preserved human cadavers cut into half-inch slices.

Twilight looked like she needed a notebook or something. I had no idea how she was supposed to remember everything, but at least she looked happy.

It did get kind of boring, after a while. Spending eight hours in a museum, even the largest one in the hemisphere, was a little too much for me. By the end, I was dragging my feet and glancing at my watch every five seconds.

Twilight nearly got into an argument with the guard who threw us out.

“But there’s so much to learn!” she protested.

“Lady, am I going to have to call the police?”

“Uh, no, we were just leaving,” I said, grabbing her arm.

“You really don’t want to get arrested,” I told her. “With no identification and your fingerprints not in the system, they’d keep you for a long time.”

“But learning shouldn’t be restricted by the time of day!” she pouted. “I wasn’t finished.”

“What was your favorite part?” I asked as we walked to the car.

“I don’t know. The ‘movies’ were amazing. I didn’t know pictures could do that.”

“So you like movies? I think there’s a theater around here somewhere.”

“A theater? Like stage productions?”

“No, movies. Just like the ones in the museum, except longer and fictional.”

“That sounds interesting.”

I managed to find a movie theater and parked the car. Twilight looked at the sign out front.

“What’s Act of Valor about?”

“Killing people.”

She frowned. “What about John Carter?”

“Killing aliens.”

“Titanic 3D?”

“People freezing to death after a shipwreck.”

“The Lorax?”

“Mindless consumerism ruins the environment.”

“Uh, given the other choices, I think I’ll go with that.”

Well, it sucked. Nobody messes with Dr. Seuss and gets away with it. Or maybe I’m just gripping my childhood reading material too tightly. Twilight seemed to enjoy it, even if people kept shouting at her to stop talking during the movie.

Aside from breakfast and a snack at the museum, neither of us had eaten all day. I was somewhat surprised and pleased to discover an Olive Garden gift card hidden behind the car’s sun visor. I vaguely remembered buying it with the intention of going to dinner with a girlfriend, but then we broke up.

I figured Twilight couldn’t object too much to pasta, so I drove to the restaurant. We were seated inside and examining menus before too long.

The waitress was rather prompt, and Twilight was still scanning the menu. “Um, I’ll have the…Zuppa Toscana.”

“But leave out the chorizo,” I told the waitress.

“What?” said Twilight.

“It’s sausage. You can’t have that, you’re Jewish.”

“No, I’m a pony.”

“My version made you sound less crazy.”

“Uh, right, no chorizo,” said the waitress. “And for you, sir?” I gave her my order, and she left.

“Thank you for that,” said Twilight.

I shrugged. “I just didn’t want you to freak out in the middle of the restaurant. Like I said before, you aren’t supposed to exist on Earth, and that could make people nervous if they found out.”

The rest of the meal went very well, and Twilight appeared to enjoy it. At least when she wasn’t watching me devour my steak. She was lucky I hadn’t ordered it rare.

The waitress came back, looked uncomfortable. “Ma’am, I just read the ingredient list for the Zuppa Toscana. It has bacon bits.”

“Real bacon bits?” I asked. “She can’t have meat.”

“Yes, they’re real. There’s also chicken broth in it.”

The ride back to my place was quiet. Not even I was stupid enough to attempt conversation when Twilight was in such a mood.

Well, at least the scene she’d caused at the restaurant had been good enough for a free meal. Emotional trauma? Totally worth it, and it wasn’t even my fault!

“I don’t want to explore Earth anymore,” she said. “I just want to go home, have a nice hot bath, and forget all about this.”

“Alcohol can help you forget.”

She glared at me, and I shut up.

Author note:
Remember the part where Twilight says ponies haven't really explored the rest of their planet? I'm thinking about writing another spinoff where Valiant and the Mane 6 do just that. On a boat.

Dirty Dreams

As you might expect from a chapter with a name like this, the contents are rated R. If you have a problem with that, take it up with ExtraExtrapie. It was his idea.

“So…what is this stuff, Pinkie?”

She giggled. “It’s Horse Lemonade, silly.”

I looked at the bottle in my hoof. The label read “Horse Beverage Company, Canterlot.”

“So it is,” I said. I took a swig. “Huh. It tastes like raisins.”

“That’s what they flavor it with,” she said. She grabbed a bottle for herself from the mound of crates sitting in the basement. I had no idea why she had a stockpile of the stuff.

“Why does this lemonade need extra flavor?” I asked. “Is there something wrong with it?”

“Let’s just say that if you saw where the manufacturing takes place, you’d be horrified,” said Pinkie.

I put my bottle down. “Where is it?”

“No, I better not show you where the lemonade is made.” She took a sip. “Ooh, sweet lemonade!”

“I’m leaving.” I left my bottle behind as I exited the basement and trotted out of Sugarcube Corner.

Hearts and Hooves day was almost over. We’d saved Big Macintosh and Cheerilee from making a huge mistake, and everything was looking up. The setting sun cast its rays across Ponyville as I made my way back to the library.

I opened the door, and Twilight jerked her head up from a book she was reading. Her horn was glowing, and in her surprise, she blasted me straight back out the door with magic.

I blinked, clearing the stars out of my eyes. It felt like I had blacked out there for a second.

“Oh my gosh Valiant, are you okay?” She ran outside to where I was picking myself up.

“What the hell…”

“I was, um, working on something and you interrupted me.”

“What could you possibly have been doing to cause that?” I stormed back into the library and flipped over the book she’d been reading. It was a steamy romance novel.

I glared at Twilight, whose cheeks glowed pink. “Seriously?”

She glanced up. “Don’t tell me you don’t feel…urges sometimes.”

“No. No, I don’t. You are all ponies. Completely wrong species. Ever since I came to Equestria, I’ve been cockblocked.”

“What does that mean?” asked Twilight.

“You’d have to be a lot older and I’d have to be a lot drunker before I’d tell you,” I said. I turned around and began to storm out of the library, but stopped.

“Wait a minute, why did you even need magic if you were just reading a book?”

Twilight blushed again, even deeper this time.

I held up a hoof. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.” I left.

Outside, I let out a deep breath. What I wouldn’t give for one good porn mag. Continual lack of fulfillment wasn’t the worst thing about being a pony, but it was on the list.

The worst thing about being a pony was the ears. Jesus Christ, did those miserable bastards itch. They practically had minds of their own, always twitching and shit. Fuck ears.

Or rather not. That would probably hurt.

I made my way down the street, not heading for anywhere in particular. I noticed Berry Punch staring at me, but I paid her no mind.

Applejack was just finishing up at her booth in the market.

“How’s it going?” I asked.

“Not so bad.” She held eye contact with me a little longer than I felt was necessary.

I walked on. A couple of mares across the street turned to look at me, although I don’t know how they knew I was there.

Passing by the town hall, the Mayor stepped out. “Oh, hello Valiant.”

“Miss Mayor.”

“Say, could you come inside for a moment?”

I stopped. “What for?”

“I…just wanted to talk to you.”

“Unless you’re willing to accept my offer of converting the town to safe, reliable Valiantco™ oil heating, shove off.”

“Well, maybe we can discuss it.” There was a strange tone in her voice. She leaned against the doorway of the town hall as if posing seductively.

I stared at her for several seconds. “Nope. Get away from me you creepy old lady.” I turned and walked away.

Something was clearly wrong here. My eyes shifted back and forth as I walked down the street. Mares everywhere were turning to look in my direction with lust in their eyes. The hair on the back of my neck started to go up. A little voice in the back of my head said, You gonna get raped, boy.

By the time I got to the next block, I was moving at a full gallop. I wasn’t being chased per se, but there was definitely a female crowd following behind. I made it to the library and slammed the door behind me.

“Twilight! Your spell did something to me, and now I’m irresistible!”

“Oh, I know,” she called from upstairs. She appeared on the balcony. “I’ve been thinking about you ever since you left."

“Oh no, this is not happening,” I said. “Twilight, you’ve got to snap out of it. I’m a terrible pony. I’m the worst, snarkiest, most self-centered guy there is.”

“I’m not thinking about that right now,” said Twilight dreamily as she descended the stairs and came towards me.

“Um, what are you thinking about?” I asked.

She sidled up to me, smiling. “I want to help you get un-cockblocked.”

I hoofed her in the face and ran outside. Mares were gathering around, and I just barely managed to get inside the robot and take off. By the time I reached the city limits, I was well out of range.

Figuring that Applejack was probably not home yet, I made my way to Sweet Apple acres. Big Macintosh was the stallioniest stallion in the area. Maybe I could get him to sacrifice himself to the teeming mass of females.

“Eenope,” he told me.

“But it’s a crowd of willing, horny mares!” I shouted at him. “What are you, retarded?”

“What’s that racket?” said a voice. Granny Smith stepped into the barn.

I backed up against the wall. “Oh my God, save me Mac!”

“What are you talkin’ about?” asked Granny. She didn’t come any closer.

“Aren’t you feeling the least bit attracted to me?” I asked.

“No! Why in tarnation would I? I stopped bein’ attracted to anypony when my menstrual—”

“TMI,” I said, “but what a relief.”

“Hey Valiant, what are you doin’ here?” asked Apple Bloom, coming into the barn. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were with her.

“I’m hiding from all the fertile mares in Ponyville,” I said.

“Gross,” said Scootaloo.

“I know, right? Anyway, can you girls help me sneak back into Ponyville and subdue Twilight so she can reverse this crazy spell?”

“Why sneak when we have robots?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Good point. I knew there was a reason I like you.”

We went out to our respective robots and rumbled off towards Ponyville. The crowds of mares may have been temporary love zombies, but at least they weren’t stupid enough to get in our way and be crushed.

The Crusaders maneuvered close and Sweetie Belle shouted over the clamor of the crowd. “They’re saying things that no filly should hear!”

“Puberty is going to hit you like a ton of bricks, kid,” I called back. “Just concentrate on finding Twilight.”

“Here she is!” exclaimed Scootaloo. The robotic hand plunged into the crowd and plucked out the purple unicorn.

“Oh, so you like it rough, huh?” Twilight said.

I rolled my eyes. “Sweetie Belle, do you have something in your ninja kit to knock her out?”

“You aren’t supposed to talk about that in public!” she shouted at me.

I waved a hoof at the crowd. “I think they’ve got other things on their mind.”

“Fine.” Sweetie Belle threw a smoke bomb out of the robot’s cockpit. When the cloud had cleared, the ponies in the blast radius were all unconscious. Twilight hung limply from the robot’s metal hand, a small smile on her lips.

Sugarcube Corner was nearby. Mr. Cake was fighting the crowd, trying to get his wife under control, so I figured the bakery was probably empty. I got the Crusaders to help me get inside with the comatose Twilight. They ran crowd control around the exterior of the building to keep any ponies from getting in.

It was still really noisy, though, so I dragged Twilight down the stairs to the basement. Her head thumped against each step.

“Whew,” I sighed. The light coming down the staircase from above helped me see the coil of rope that Pinkie kept in the basement. I started to tie Twilight up.

The light flicked on. “Hello Valiant.”

I froze. That voice could only belong to one pony. I turned slowly.

Pinkie walked towards me, wearing a more insane grin than usual. She’d apparently been in the basement the whole time. “Would you like to do it up or down?” she asked.

“What’s that mean? And aren’t you a lesbian?”

She came closer. “Standing up or lying down,” she said. “And to answer your other question: not today.” She smiled wider.

My back legs bumped against the crates of lemonade. I thought about grabbing a bottle and smashing it over her head.

“Too late,” said Pinkie. “I get to decide. I choose…lying down!”

“Fuck that.”

“Shut up pony, get on my Horse!” She shoved me over onto the lemonade crates and leaped on top.

There was a bright flash of light as Princess Celestia teleported into the room.

“Stop right there! This kind of behavior has gone on long enough!”

Pinkie reluctantly got off of me. I sighed. “Oh my God, I thought I was done for.”

Celestia stepped over to me. “Are you all right, Valiant?”

“Fine. It’s been a weird day.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” She smiled. “Let me make it better.”

I blinked. “What are you…”

In the instant after I realized what she meant, I took stock of my situation. I was still lying on my back on top the crates, my legs spread wide, right in front of Celestia. She was grinning and walking towards me.

So I kicked at her face.

You don’t get to be a thousand-year-old magical ruler without learning a few tricks. Celestia blocked the attack with magic before it connected. Her horn glowed, forcing my legs apart and restraining my entire body.

You really gonna get raped, boy.

I heard a gasp from Twilight. Apparently she had just woken up to a scene that nopony should ever see. There was a blinding flash of magic, and I blacked out.

I slammed awake on Twilight’s couch, breathing hard. It was morning, and I detected a distinct lack of love-crazy mares in the vicinity.

“Twilight!” I screamed.

“What?” She appeared from the balcony, looking sleepy.

“Did Celestia violate me? Did you?”

“What are you talking about, Valiant?”

“You can’t tell me that that didn’t just happen!”

“What, you getting knocked out by magic? I’m really sorry about that.”

“But what was that in the basement of Sugarcube Corner?”

“Nothing that I know of. You’ve been there on the couch since I accidentally hit you with that spell yesterday.”

“So…there was no lust-crazed crowd of mares trying to get intimate with my nethers?”

Twilight rolled her eyes.

I collapsed back on the couch. “Oh my God. I was in real fear for my virginity there for a while.”

“You’re weird, Valiant.”

“At least I don’t get all my romance from novels.”

She smirked at me. “If only you knew.”

“Wait, what?”

Apples are Serious Business

“…and we called it the Industrial Revolution,” I finished. It had been another late night with Twilight. She’d filled two notebooks this time.

“So if we set up these ‘factories,’ we’ll produce consumer goods at unheard of rates?” she asked.

“Yep. As a side effect, prices will go down because of higher efficiencies and lower demand. The manufacturing centers will also create lots of new jobs,” I replied.

“Interesting. Is there a downside?” she asked.

“Sure,” I told her. “Pollution is a big one. We'll also be raping the soil of its natural resources.”

“We’re not doing it, then,” said Twilight flatly.

“But we have to,” I told her. “If there’s any hope for Equestria’s future, you need to take baby steps. You have to have dirty, dangerous factories before you can evolve into clean, green ones.”

I rolled my eyes and went on. “Of course, labor unions will probably get involved at some point, but that’s small potatoes. I wouldn’t agree to eight hour days, anyway.”

Before Twilight could ask “more or less than eight hours?” I walked out of the library. I’d first started talking to her about industry when I’d mentioned that I needed to go have a face-to-face meeting with some investors up in Stalliongrad. We’d been exchanging letters, and they were interested in my petroleum products.

Once I told Twilight that someone was actually interested in buying my fuel, she’d wanted to know why. That had progressed into the all-night lecture on industry.

First, though, it was time for something to eat. I walked down to the Ponyville market. I wasn’t quite so hungry to visit the café, but just a little snack would be good.

I spotted Applejack and Big Macintosh working at their apple stand. “Hey, I’m glad I saw you,” I said, walking over. “I’ve been working on a joke.”

“Let’s hear it,” said Applejack.

I gestured to her brother. “You know what they say about stallions with big hooves?”

Applejack scratched her head. “Well, Big Mac has his own special cider mug because his hooves are too big to fit inside the handle on a regular-sized one.”

I shook my head. “No, that’s not what I…nevermind.”

“Oh,” said Applejack. “Ah’ve been meanin’ to ask you somethin’. Are you free right now?”

“Damn right I’m free. I’m an American.”

Applejack shook her head, apparently unwilling to debate U.S. vs. Equestria civil rights at the moment. “We were thinkin’ about branchin’ out our business a little. Maybe you could handle transportation.”

“I’m going to Stalliongrad later today,” I said.

“Perfect. Can you take Big Mac and a couple of bushels of apples with you?”

“Sure, but wouldn’t it be easier for me to just take the cargo?”

“We’re serious about our apples,” she said. She looked serious. “Anypony but an Apple Family pony sellin’ our apples would be a violation of the accepted order of life. We don’t want to get out of tune with nature.”

“Why?” I asked.

Applejack shook her head. “It’s just earth pony tradition. It’s the way we’ve always done it, and why mess with success?”

“Okay, I’ll do it,” I said. “But what’s in it for me?”

“Um, how about apples?” she suggested.

I nodded. “Fair enough.” I went to go prepare the Monstrosity aircraft. The cargo bay in the back had recently been fitted with an experimental weaponized prototype of Pinkie’s party cannon. It wasn’t good enough yet to shoot solid cannonballs without overpressurizing and exploding, but loosely-packed shot worked.

Unfortunately, (Twilight would say fortunately) nothing bad had happened recently and the cannon had yet to see active service. Just like the industrial revolution, it would take baby steps to work my way up to machine guns.

I collected Captain Falcon, and got the engines started. We flew out to Sweet Apple Acres. Big Mac had left the market shortly after I did and was waiting when we showed up.

When Applejack said “a couple of bushels of apples” I figured somewhere between two and four. It turned out to be twenty-three. Macintosh was unperturbed, and found places to stack them all in the back of the aircraft.

“Ready?” I asked.

“Eeyup.” He climbed in and settled his considerable bulk into the seat beside me. Being the asshole that I am, I twisted the throttles wide open before he had his seatbelt on. He acted like he didn’t notice the fact that we were zooming into the air. Once the belts were bucked, he leaned back and went to sleep.

“Seriously?” I muttered. Out over the Everfree Forest, I put the aircraft into a tight spiral. If I had a glass of water, it probably would have spilled. Mac didn’t appear to notice, so I upped my game.

Pushing the nose down to gain airspeed, I jerked the stick back violently and hauled the craft skyward again. I’d never done that maneuver before, because I wasn’t sure if I would crash and die if I tried.

At the top of the loop, my seatbelts were fighting gravity, and I distinctly heard a few apples thudding against the ceiling. I got Monstrosity straightened out before we crashed. Big Macintosh snoozed on.

I’d seen what the red stallion could do when properly motivated. Things like moving Berry Punch’s house. That’s why I didn’t resort to more direct methods of annoying him, such as poking with my switchblade.

I wished they’d sent Braeburn instead. That guy was at least fun to antagonize.

As soon as the aircraft touched down in Stalliongrad, Mac was awake. Without even pausing to yawn, he began pulling bushel baskets of apples out of the back.

“I’m going to go see some ponies about making a deal,” I said. Macintosh didn’t give any indication that he had heard me, but I was reasonably sure that he did. I walked away to the designated meeting place.

I kind of figured that I was dealing with shady characters. The meeting place was supposed to be secret, and it just felt like some kind of organized crime to me. I did take steps to protect myself, but I didn’t think that they were the type to kidnap me or something.

I was wrong. They totally kidnapped me.

As I walked into the building where the meeting was supposed to be, a hood dropped over my head, and after struggling for a while I got tied up and carried somewhere.

My so-called business associates deposited me on a chair. The hood was whipped off. A dozen serious-looking ponies surrounded me. A blue unicorn mare stood front and center.

“Plymouth Valiant,” she said. “We meet again.”

I rolled my eyes. Seriously? Her?

She noticed my expression and apparently took it to mean something else. “Why yes, it is me, the Great and Powerful Trixie! Months ago, you tried to humiliate me! Well, Trixie does not forget such acts. I have lured you here to have my revenge, and I shall have it!”

About halfway through her little speech, I had started shaking my head in disbelief. She walked closer. “Oh, are you trembling in fear already? Well, there’s much worse things in store for you!”

Just to throw her off, I looked her in the eye and smiled. A trace of confusion flitted across her face before being replaced once more by overconfidence.

“Do you have anything to say before we begin?” she asked.

I made a little motion with my head, and she came closer.

She certainly didn’t expect a knife blade to come shooting out from between my lips. Yeah, I sometimes keep my switchblade in my mouth. What else should I do with it? I don’t have pockets.

My timing was off by just a little bit, and I failed to cut Trixie’s face off. She still jumped back in surprise, which gave me room to slice at the ropes that held me. I stood up from the chair.

“How’s that for a trick? I call it the Cobra Steel Spit. Like that? I made the name up on the spot. You wish you could be so cool. Insane paranoid preparedness saves me again!”

I had no idea whether Trixie understood any of that, as my words were somewhat garbled by the knife in my mouth. I spent a little too long saying it, however, and a couple of her goons piled on top of me. I was forced to drop the switchblade, which stuck in the floor and stood straight up like a fence post.

“Your foolish tricks will not work!” shouted Trixie. I noticed a tiny drop of blood on the end of her nose from an insignificant wound I had apparently inflicted. I wished that I could have instead managed to surgically remove that smirk from her face, but such is life.

“Now, you were observed arriving with a load of cargo,” she said. “Tell the Great and Powerful Trixie what it consisted of.”

“Apples.” I didn’t see any harm in talking about it. I mean, fruit isn’t exactly as valuable as gold.

“Apples?” she demanded. “The Great and Powerful Trixie hates that fruit! It should be banished from the land!”

Everything in the room suddenly went quiet. The sound of slow, heavy hoofsteps had interrupted all conversation. The door swung open.

“What did you say about apples?” rumbled a deep voice.

“Oh, hey Mac,” I said from beneath the pile of henchponies.

“Seize him!” shouted Trixie. The eight or so goons who weren’t holding me down rushed forward.

I don’t exactly know what happened next. Big Macintosh acted more quickly than I would have thought him capable of. Some kind of red magic glow streamed from his hooves as he moved. Bad guys went flying in all directions, one of them slamming into the pile of his buddies on top of me, scattering them like bowling pins.

Trixie’s face was blank with surprise. I stood up and watched as she and Mac circled each other. She tried a couple of small magic attacks that either missed or bounced off him. She maintained a blue protective bubble of magic around herself the whole time.

At some point, Big Macintosh decided that there was no point in playing with Trixie any longer, and—holy shit, was that a Hadouken?

Oh, no wait, it wasn’t. He just hoofed her energy shield so hard that Trixie went skidding across the floor, his red aura knocking aside her blue one.

Trixie was sent tumbling around the inside of her bubble. She ended up near me, the magical protection dissolving.

She got up unsteadily, aiming her horn at Big Mac. I smashed the chair over her head and she dropped like a rock.

Macintosh and I stood there for a few seconds in silence. I noticed the glow from his hooves had faded.

“Are you going to say it?” I asked him. He looked at me quizzically.

I sighed. “Fine, I’ll say it.” I turned to Trixie’s limp form. “How do you like them apples?”

Big Macintosh shook his head and started for the door. I picked up my switchblade and went after him. “Hey, wait up,” I called. “That red glowy stuff was awesome, how did you do that?”

“Earth pony magic,” he said. “Weren’t nothin’.”

“Holy shit.” I paused. “Hey, I’m an earth pony. Can I do that?”

He didn’t answer and I followed him all the way back to Monstrosity.

“Come on, tell me,” I said. “Is this the ‘accepted order of life’ and ‘being in tune with nature’ that Applejack was talking about? I want to learn this.”

I gestured to the cannon mounted on the aircraft. “I can’t always rely on weapons. Heck, I don’t even know what we could have loaded this thing with. Apples, maybe.”

He gave me a sharp look. “Sorry!” I said. “Guess I can’t even joke about apples.”

Mac turned away, going about his business seriously. He collected the load of apples and headed off to the Stalliongrad market to sell them.

I hung around the aircraft for a while with Captain.

“It’s not fair,” I said. “Just because I want to exploit the environment, mother nature won’t let me be all cool and tap into earth pony magic.”

The bird preened his feathers and did not reply.

“Screw this,” I said. “I’m going to try and teach myself how to throw a fireball.”

Science is Antimagic

The Hadouken-based research failed miserably. Barring any form of magic of my own, I decided to find a way to level the playing field.

“This is a terrible idea, Valiant,” said Twilight.

“I think you’re just scared that I’ll succeed.”

“I am,” she said. “stripping a unicorn of magic would severely tip the balance of power between the three races.”

I shrugged. “So you and I would team up on the pegasi. Don’t worry, if I can do it, I can also undo it.”

Twilight gave me a look that showed just how much she believed that. I wandered out of the library, brainstorming.

It was an interesting problem. I decided that research was needed. I wasn’t exactly sure how magic worked, and I was in the mood to try something new. A little book learning might be easier than just rushing blindly in.

There was a storm blowing in at the moment. It was going to be a solid drenching rain that the weather ponies had scheduled. I fired up Monstrosity and rushed blindly into it.

The lack of GPS navigation in the middle of zero visibility conditions was kind of a problem. I realized that when a mountain loomed up out of the clouds.

I jerked the controls hard and the aircraft began to turn, but it wasn’t enough and there was a little collision with the ground.

I thanked the foresight that had led me to basically build Monstrosity to be indestructible. It was still buried in the side of the mountain in the middle of the rain storm, though.

Well, I might as well make the best of it. I leaned back in the seat and went to sleep.

A skinny old pony was tapping on the windshield when I woke up.

“Hey you! Get up, lazy bucker!”

I opened the door, pleasant sunshine greeting me. “Okay. What do you want?”

“You crashed this infernal machine into my house! It took me all night to dig out from under the rubble.”

I glanced around, noticing that the aircraft had been mostly uncovered due to his efforts.

“Sorry about that,” I said. “I didn’t mean to crash on a mountain in the middle of a thunderstorm, and I’m sure you didn’t mean to be underneath it.”

He sighed. “I guess I can accept that. Why are you here?”

“I was on my way to the Canterlot Archive to do research on how to stifle unicorn magic.”

“You realize that such an act would be akin to stealing the very soul of the affected pony? He asked.

“Wha—really? I was just hoping for a magical equivalent of a straitjacket or something.” I thought for a moment. “But ‘Valiant the soul-stealer’ would be a pretty badass title.”

The old pony shook his head. “Come with me. Perhaps I can help you.”

“You know how to steal souls?”

“I never said that. I just said I could help you.”

“Fair enough. Lay it on me, grasshopper.” I frowned. “Wait, I think that’s what you’re supposed to call me.”

“Indeed. Come along, I will teach you the mysteries of the universe.”

Well, he sure did. Somewhere in there, the old hermit brought out the ponyweed, or whatever he called it. My eyes were opened and my brain was filled. I just wish he taught me the solutions to all those mysteries.

“Dude, are you seeing what I’m seeing?” I asked through a fog of smoke.

“No,” he told me.

“How do you know?”

“How don’t you know, grasshopper?”

That didn’t exactly made sense, and I pondered it for a while. Somewhere in the haze of self-enlightenment and psychoactive drugs, I suddenly hit on the solution that I was searching for.

“I’ve got it,” I said. “All this time I’ve been searching for a magical, anti-magical magic blocker of magic.”

The old pony nodded as if he understood perfectly.

“What could be more anti-magic than science?” I said. “I know what I need to do.”

“Good luck and good buck,” said the hermit. “Give me a kiss.”

I frowned. “Dude, I’m not that stoned.” I stumbled outside and got the aircraft started. As I got a few gulps of fresh air, I realized that maybe I actually was more baked than I thought. One, I hadn’t broken the pony’s nose when he asked for a kiss. Two, I was hungry as shit.

“Valiant, what’s that smell?” asked Spike, sniffing the air.

“Truthfully, I don’t know,” I told him. “I think it’s on me. It was quality stuff, though.” I ingested another daisy sandwich.

“So, did you find anything interesting in Canterlot?” Twilight asked.

“This is different,” I said. “What’s with the sudden interest? Why do you want to know?”

“I just didn’t want to feel like I was out of the loop,” she said.

“You don’t normally ask me stuff,” I said. “You’re usually a strong, independent type.”

“Everypony needs a break sometimes,” she said.

“Do you get off on having someone help you?” I asked.

Twilight flushed and stuttered something. I personally didn’t care what rustled her jimmies, but it was fun to watch her squirm.

“Let me show you what I came up with.” I said, changing the subject. I finished another sandwich. After that, I pulled out a piece of screen door material and rolled it up.

“A…wire mesh ice cream cone?” asked Spike.

“Basically. The finely woven steel strands are the key.”

“What does it do?” asked Twilight.

“Well, based on the principle that radiated energy travels in waves, the fine holes in the mesh don’t allow it to penetrate given sufficient wavelength. I don’t really know who thought of that, but a guy named Faraday got credit.” I held up the piece of screen. “In summary, this stuff blocks energy. When you surround something with it, it’s known as a Faraday Cage.”

“What do you plan to do with it?” asked Twilight.

“Come outside and I’ll show you.” I walked out of the library, Twilight following me.

I went over to a metal rod that I’d stuck in the soil to act as a ground. After connecting a wire between it and the wire mesh, I plopped the cone on Twilight’s horn.

She looked up at it. “Okay…”

“Do magic.” I held up a small stone.

Twilight concentrated, and I saw some purple glowing going on, but nothing happened.

“I don’t understand,” she said.

“Science,” I said. “That’s all you need to know.”

Her horn glowed again and the cone fell off. She then tried again to get the rock to move and was successful.

“Hmm,” I said. “Slight error there. While you can’t affect anything outside the cage, you can move the cage itself. Oh well, a chin strap to hold it on will fix you right up.”

Twilight backed off a couple of steps. “I don’t like the implications of this, Valiant.”

“What, are you worried that I’ll sneak into your bedroom some night and leave you powerless?”

She nodded seriously.

I shrugged. “I wouldn’t. You might get aroused.”

Her face went red again. “I wish you wouldn’t keep bringing that subject up.”

“Well, you keep setting yourself up for it,” I pointed out.

“I don’t mean to! It’s an unconscious habit.”

“Outside of tying you down and spanking you like a bad filly, I can’t offer any way to discourage a habit like that.” I facehoofed. “Never mind, you’d like that too.”

“I-I’m going inside,” she said.

I turned to Spike. “Anyway, now that she’s out of here we can talk about something other than sex. You’ve lived with her for a while, right? Has she always been this way?”

“It comes and goes,” said Spike, shrugging.

“Whatever. Now that I’ve got the Faraday Cage technology, I can move forward with the other thing that I’ve been wanting to build.”

“What’s that?” he asked.

“A giant weaponized Tesla Coil. The cage should stop me from being fried along with my enemies.”

“Good luck with that,” said Spike. He wandered away.

Nicola Tesla, bless his electrical soul, designed some really crazy stuff. It was all way ahead of its time and used insane amounts of energy. Shocking, really.

An aircraft I could replicate. A freaking death ray I couldn’t, however. I entered the library that evening feeling somewhat down after failing to make progress.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about the cage,” said Twilight.

I rolled my eyes.

“No, hear me out,” she said. “I think it could be useful in certain situations.”

I thought for a moment. “It would come in handy on my quest to kill Trixie.”

“Since when are you trying to kill Trixie?” asked Twilight.

“Well, I’ve never actively been not trying to kill her,” I said. “Since last week in Stalliongrad, though, the hunt has been on more than usual.”

Twilight shook her head. “No, I’m talking about using it for things like sporting competitions to give everypony a fair chance.”

“That’s boring,” I said. “Although I could look into other options besides killing Trixie’s bitch ass. We can leave her alone for a little while. That's the nice thing about people who are still alive. You can always kill them later.”

I thought for a moment. “Maybe I should talk to the law enforcement agencies and try to sell them this method to hobble unicorn prisoners.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Twilight said.

“You may not, but there have to be some,” I said. “Political prisoners are a cruel fact of a dictatorship. Those that disagree with the leaders get locked away.”

“Equestria doesn’t have political prisoners,” stated Twilight.

“So…they just kill them quickly and dump the body?”

“I think you’re missing the point, Valiant.”

“Surely I’m not the first pony to disagree with the government. If there are no places to keep such captured ponies, then that leaves only one other option.”

“The Princess doesn’t order murders to be carried out.”

“Do you believe that?”

“Yes!”

I shrugged. “No need to raise your voice. Do you feel like you’re losing the debate or something?”

“I can’t lose if you keep offering up such week arguments,” she retorted.

“And yet you keep arguing,” I said. “Why is that?”

“Because you’re wrong and I’m right!” Twilight’s voice was still gaining in volume.

I laughed. “A passerby might get confused as to who’s who. What idiot argues to be right?”

“That’s the point of an argument!”

“I think you just want me to give you a verbal beatdown because I won’t touch you otherwise, right?”

“What did you just say?” she demanded.

“Let me put it another way.” I cleared my throat and put on an accent. “Do I make you horny, baby?”

Twilight fired me out through the window with a burst of magic.

“Wooorrrttthhh iiiitttttt!” I shouted as I blasted off, Team Rocket style.

A reasonable flight later, I crashed through a flimsy roof and slammed into a bed. It was not very much padding, but I somehow managed to not die.

“Twice!” shouted the old pony. “This is twice you’ve wrecked my home!”

“Whoa, calm down old man,” I said.

“Well, I guess I can do that,” he replied. “Want to help?”

“No,” I said. “I learned my lesson. Drugs are bad, m’kay?”

He frowned. “When did you learn that?”

“When I started making pony sex jokes. That's not me, man. What the hell is in that stuff?”

“I have no idea.” He shrugged.

“Well, I’m going home. I’ve got a long way to walk.”

He waved. “Take it easy, grasshopper.”

Author Note:
Speaking of science, I'd like to thank Kitsunehero for this .gif of Valiant and his robot

The Bomb

Author note: This occurs directly after the events of A Canterlot Wedding, Part 2

The victory party continued long into the night. A few loose ends were tied up, and all of us generally had a good time. Drunken Princesses make great hosts.

Unfortunately, the morning sun revealed just how much damage the Changelings had done to the infrastructure of Canterlot. Debris was strewn everywhere.

So, the battle-winning combat robots were repurposed as cleanup machinery.

“I feel like a janitor,” I muttered from the cockpit. “A highly-advanced robo-janitor, but still...”

“Well, somepony needs to do it,” said Twilight, using magic to lift some rocks that had been knocked off the castle walls.

“It wouldn’t need to be done if Equestria had its shit together with defense from lovesucking, shapechanging freaks.” I angrily punched a hole in the boulder I was handling with the robot.

“But Valiant, we’ve never fought anything like them before,” Twilight reminded me.

“Once again, we wouldn’t need to if we had something to stop them.” I paused for a moment, thinking. “Some kind of...deterrence.”

“What’s that mean?” asked Apple Bloom as she and her friends came trotting up. The three of them had declined to help with the cleanup effort.

“Deterrence is something that makes a pony think twice before making a bad choice,” said Twilight.

“That’s a great definition,” I said. “What kind of things like that do you have for national defense?”

Twilight thought. “Well...I’m not sure. My brother would probably know more.”

“All right, I’ll go find him.” I glanced at the three fillies. “Do you want to take over here?”

“Uh...” said Apple Bloom, looking away.

Sweetie Belle coughed. “Um...”

“I don’t know,” said Scootaloo.

“Twilight, supervise them,” I said, climbing down from the robot. “They know what they’re doing with the heavy machinery, but they’re probably the only three ponies in the universe who could make an even bigger mess out of this place.”

I found Shining Armor making out with his new wife. They were kind of upset that I interrupted them, but I figured the defense of Equestria would get his attention, since he’d failed so badly at it the day before.

“Do you have some kind of national defense plan?” I asked.

“What in the world are you talking about?” demanded Princess Cadance.

“We don’t get attacked by any regular enemies or organized forces,” Shining said. “It’s kind of hard to cope with all the smaller threats.”

“Have I got a deal for you,” I said excitedly. “Check this out: Strategic Nuclear Deterrence.”

“What?” he said flatly. “Is this some kind of scheme?”

I made a calming gesture with a hoof. “Don’t you worry, I’ll get everything taken care of. Just get me all the uranium you can.”

“I don’t-” he started to say, but I was already walking away with a smile. My very own Manhattan Project. J. Robert Oppenheimer would be so proud.

A robot went stomping by with a screaming Twilight at the controls. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were gleefully hanging on and shouting advice. I shook my head and kept going. I’d already decided to visit Pony Joe’s shop. This called for a victory donut.

Once I got back to Ponyville, I set up a lab in Twilight’s basement. As an earth pony, I figured I might as well be resistant to the radiation from rare earth metals. Just in case, I made sure to wear a lead-lined suit while the work was conducted. Superpowers might be cool, but unplanned mutations are bad karma, man.

Speaking of Twilight’s basement, I wondered where she was. Building a nuclear weapon was not exactly a quick process, and I was surprised that she hadn’t disturbed me with all her “ethics” this and “extreme danger” that. As the only pony with enough brains to really understand my explanation of fission, she was the only one in the country who expressed distrust of the new kind of weapon.

The actual building of the bomb would have gone a lot faster if ponies knew what the hell U-235 was. I just wanted to make a simple atomic device, not a freaking boosted-yield H-bomb.

I stopped my work for a while that night and went outside for some fresh air. I thought I detected a faint glow from the basement windows, but attributed it to being tired.

Real great, Valiant. Handling fissile materials while sleep-deprived and no hope for caffeine in sight. Or was there? I couldn’t remember how late the coffee shop was open. I decided to head in that direction. Along the way, I tried to remember whether the masonry shop was open so I could buy a brick to throw through the coffee shop window if it was closed. Purloined espresso, oh yeah.

I had no idea what I was going to do if the masonry shop was closed.

With a wail of an unhappy unicorn, a robot went whizzing by. I assumed it was Twilight and kept walking. That mare got herself into the darndest situations.

The coffee shop turned out to be open, and I spent a few minutes with the trendy ponies who hung out there to read poetry. They thought my line about “I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds,” was pretty cool.

Refreshed, I went back to the library to work on my little nuke. It wasn’t quite suitcase-sized, so I couldn’t go inventing words and call it a snuke. Twilight would probably throw a snizz-fit if she found out I snuck a snuke into her basement. Oh, snap!

When I arrived, a small crowd had gathered. “What’s up?” I asked a stallion who was peering into the windows of the library.

“Not sure,” he shrugged. “Somepony said it was the cool thing to do, so I decided to do it.”

Confused, I asked the rest of the crowd. I eventually got the story that they had been promised the show of a lifetime by a particular blue unicorn mare. I suddenly got a bad feeling.

I kicked open the front door like a badass and stormed down the stairs to the basement. I got tossed back upstairs like a ragdoll by a burst of magic.

“We meet once more!” shouted the mare who had blasted me.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I grumbled, getting up.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not kid!” she announced, walking up the stairs from the basement with the bomb in tow. The device was incomplete, with wires and junk protruding everywhere, but at the moment even a slight gust of wind could cause the complete destruction of Ponyville.

“What the hell do you want with a nuclear weapon?” I demanded.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie has no need to tell you!” she said haughtily. “In fact, why are you still here?” Her horn began to glow, and I realized that I was about to be on the receiving end of some kind of spell.

Hating spells as I do, I dodged to the side and grabbed some equipment that had been piled in the corner. It was a loose piece of wire mesh and a long grounding cord. It sucked as an improvised Faraday Cage, but I was counting on the element of surprise.

I tossed the mesh at Trixie just as she released her spell. It didn’t ground the magic like I had intended because the strap wasn’t secured, but instead seemed to rebound the spell back. With a surprised squeak, she disappeared in a flash of light. The bomb went with her.

I heard polite applause from the crowd outside. I shut the window blinds and dropped onto the couch despondently. I had no idea where Trixie had been planning to send me and where she had ended up herself. I didn’t much care, either. The nuke was the big problem.

“Broken arrow,” I muttered.

The door slammed open to reveal Twilight and the robot. The machine came charging into the library, knocking books off the shelves.

“Don’t know which is worse,” I heard her scream. “The fact that you lost it, or that you lose enough of them to have a code name for it.”

In spite of the situation, I laughed.

Fortunately, Trixie couldn’t stand to be out of the spotlight for too long, and we heard about her latest show within the hour. It was billed as “The Mother of All Fireworks Shows,” and would be held in the desert a little bit west of Appleloosa.

“Didn’t you say somethin’ about fallout?” asked Applejack, looking at the showbill flyer. She and Twilight’s other friends had gathered in the library. The unicorn herself was gone again. She’d pleaded for advice to get the robot to stop, but I’d been busy putting together a murder plan to use on Trixie.

“Yeah, fallout,” I said. “The westerly winds will probably blanket the town with radiation and kill every living thing.”

The mare nodded. “Good. The town ain’t worth nothin’ since the buffalo took over.”

“Will there be injuries too?” asked Fluttershy.

“Probably,” I told her. “All kinds of animals.”

“I’ll bring my medical supplies,” she promised.

“So, the land will be bare?” said Rarity. “Nothing to impede the digging up of gems?”

“It seems likely,” I confirmed.

“Maybe the mother of all fireworks will create the mother of all updrafts!” said Rainbow Dash excitedly. “I bet I could set a new altitude record!”

“Sure,” I told her.

“Woo! Fireworks!” exclaimed Pinkie.

“It’s settled, then,” I announced. “Now we just have to figure out how to get Trixie at ground zero.”

That part of the problem proved surprisingly easy to solve. With a burst of traveling music, we all went to Appleoosa. There were signs and flyers pointing the way to the performance, and it wasn’t hard to find the bomb. After that, it was just a matter of calling Trixie out with bait she couldn’t resist.

I cleared my throat. “Trixie sucks!”

The second part of the problem, getting Trixie to stay with the nuke and setting it off once we were long gone, was a lot more difficult.

Trixie showed up in a huff, and while the mares scuffled with her I placed a remote detonator on the bomb. Based on my admittedly unscientific calculations, the transmitter should have enough range to keep us safely outside the blast and fallout zones.

Trixie had her shields up, and deflected attacks from Rarity’s magic, Applejack’s kicks, Pinkie’s cannon, Rainbow’s dives, and Fluttershy’s admonishments. I thought it was freaking ridiculous that they weren’t able to be more effective, but this was buffalo land. The superpowered energy or whatever that ponies were able to pull from the Equestrian environment didn’t apply here. It made me kind of sad that I knew that, and hadn’t yet invented a weapon to take advantage.

Suddenly, from over the horizon came a storming mechanical machine with a terrified purple unicorn at the controls. As it turned out, that was exactly the push needed to turn the tide of the fight.

The robot tripped and fell over, the mare in the cockpit flying out like a cannonball. Twilight knocked Trixie over and the two of them ended up in a pile on the ground.

Pinkie grinned and pulled out a camera, taking a few photos while they were still lying on top of each other. “Twixie.”

“Twilight Sparkle,” spat Trixie. “Why must you show up at the worst times?”

“I’m here to stop you,” said Twilight, her voice tired and hoarse from so much screaming over the past few days.

They had a little magical fight. Twilight on a bad day was more than a match for Trixie, so it was pretty one-sided. I’d always wanted to get Twilight trained for combat magic, but held off because I was a little worried that she might use it on me.

“Finish her!” I shouted. Instead, Twilight zapped Trixie and she disappeared.

“Where did you send her?” I asked, disappointed.

“We won’t have problems with her for a while,” said Twilight, tiredly.

“But I wanted to kill her! That was the whole point!” I gestured to the remote detonator.

“We can still have a fireworks show!” exclaimed Pinkie.

“But think of the destruction!” pleaded Twilight to her friends. She turned to me. “Think of how much better this would look if you demonstrated it in front of a government panel. They might want to invest.”

Darn it, Twilight was slowly learning how to push my money-hungry defense contractor buttons. I sighed. “All right, let’s pack up the nuke and go home. Twi, get me an appointment with your brother.”

A couple of days later, we were sailing on a boat off the coast of Equestria.

“Get your towels ready, it’s about to go down,” I said, hoof hovering over the detonator button. Twilight, Shining Armor, and a couple of high level ponies from the government had come to watch the demonstration. The bomb was located on a barge anchored a reasonable distance away.

“Stop!” shouted Twilight, looking up from a pad of paper where she’d been scribbling for most of the past few days. “I just checked these calculations. With all the magic this weapon has been exposed to, it could very well be more powerful than expected.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” I pointed out.

Twilight shrugged. “It’s magic. It doesn’t have to.”

“So how much more yield can we expect?” I asked.

“About fifty times more,” she said seriously.

I whistled. “Wow, that’s amazing. This is going to be a lot better show than I thought.”

She grabbed my hoof as it moved towards the button again. “That much extra power puts us well inside the danger zone!”

“Why do we need this thing anyway?” asked Shining. “Most of the threats Equestria faces are from non-state actors, not organized countries with strong militaries.” The dignitaries nodded in agreement.

I looked around with surprise. “Are you saying...you don’t want nuclear weapons?”

They all nodded.

I sat down on deck heavily, my dreams of an atomic arsenal crushed. “Peace through superior firepower indeed.”

Cheese and Spiders

Nobody expected Princess Luna to come for a visit. Well, let me rephrase that. Nopony expected it. Being not technically a pony, I was exempt. Also, I had insider knowledge.

“Princess Luna is coming for a visit!” Twilight squealed happily.

“What for?” I murmured from under the blanket. Twilight often received good-news mail at the library early in the morning. Too early.

“Just a vacation, it looks like,” she replied.

“How long?” I asked.

“A couple of days. It shouldn’t be a big deal. She’ll have a disguise.” Twilight reread the letter and went off to prepare for the visit. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

I was awakened later by a lavender hoof poking me. I should specify that it was a more pinkish shade of lavender than purplish. It made a difference how I responded. If it had been the lavender pony Twilight, I probably would have hit her or something. Since it was actually the lavender pony Cheerilee, I flipped my shit and fell off the couch.

The mare glared at me. She did that a lot. The two of us didn’t exactly get along, and being that she was a bloodsucking fiend, I was at a bit of a disadvantage. Being wrapped in a blanket on the floor in front of a vampire who is pissed at you is never a good place to be.

Fortunately, she was on business and not in a hungry mood. “I’m bodyguarding the Princess while she’s in town, and I don’t want any funny business from you.”

Since becoming a vampire completely by accident that may have actually been my fault, Cheerilee had been working for Princess Luna. I shrugged. “Luna and I are cool. We’ve had some good times.”

Cheerilee gave me a look, but turned and left. I ordinarily wouldn’t have been so jumpy around her, but she’d caught me at a bad time. I resolved to begin getting up earlier. To help that along, I also resolved to begin drinking more coffee.

Speaking of coffee, I headed downtown to get a cup of joe. There was unfortunately no normal coffee shop in town, and I had to endure the trendy places where all the artists hung out.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a place for everyone, but they annoyed me with all their feelings and stuff. As I walked in, I was surprised to find the Princess there.

She didn’t look like a tall blue mare with wings and a horn. At the moment, she resembled a rather average yellow earth pony with a red mane and a wheel of gouda for a cutie mark. I sat down next to her. “Yo, Cheese.”

She smiled, pleased that I had remembered her secret identity. “Good morning.”

“I met up with your pet vampire earlier,” I said. “She didn’t seem pleased.”

A couple of the coffee shop patrons appeared to be listening with interest. Luna didn’t notice, and went on. “Yes, she’s a little grumpy with the situation. My stay in Ponyville is cutting into her feeding habits.”

A few more ponies stopped to listen. I said, “Well, at the very least give her a night off once in awhile to kill something.”

The coffee shop had gone silent as every ear tuned in to our conversation. The door opened and Cheerilee came in. She looked around suspiciously, eyes focusing on me.

“There she is right now,” I said. “The schoolteacher.”

The coffee shop erupted in laughter. Hayseed Turniptruck chortled, “Oh, I get it! Calling her a vampire is an analogy to how students feel about her teaching habits!”

Luna laughed. The rest of the ponies in the coffee shop went back to doing what they were doing. Cheerilee’s eyes narrowed until I felt like I was being lit up by a laser beam. She came over to the table and put a note on the table. “Princess, we may have a problem.”

“What’s this?” asked Luna.

“It looks like a threat.” Cheerile read the note. “Ponyville shall tremble under the wrath of an eight legged freak.”

“Wait, you can read?” I said. “You told me you were illiterate.”

Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “I lied to get you to leave me alone.”

“I think we should be more concerned about this mysterious eight legged freak,” said Luna. “Who are they? What do they want?”

I shrugged, glancing at the floor were a small spider crawled. I squished it under a hoof and looked back up. “At least this time we get some warning. Most of the crazies that attack Equestria just go for it.”

“Where did you find that note?” Luna asked.

“Public message board.” Cheerilee shrugged.

“That’s just dandy,” I said. “Are you sure it’s not one of those trendy alternative bands?”

“Hey, has anypony ever heard of ‘Ponyville shall tremble under the wrath of an eight legged freak,’?” shouted Cheerilee to the coffee shop crowd. Several of the trendy ponies looked like they wanted to be all cool and say they had, but kept quiet.

“Well, I should be getting back to the hotel,” said Luna. “This vacation won’t be ruined by vague threats.”

The disguised Princess left. Cheerilee stared me down like I was doing something wrong or something.

“Jeeze, what is with this place and spiders?” I said, avoiding another creepy crawly that slowly lowered itself from the ceiling on a strand of silk. Cheerilee glanced at the spider as it passed her face and then chomped it.

I gaped at her. I mean, I’ve been there and done that when it came to creepy, but that was a little over the line. “So, uh, how does that taste?”

“Not very good,” she admitted.

“I’m...going to go,” I said.

She smiled. “Good.”

Back at the library, Twilight was setting up lunch. I wasn't hungry. I told her about the eight legged freak busines.

“Sounds scary,” she said. “This could be serious.”

“Luna didn’t seem to think so,” I said.

Twilight looked out the window. “I hate to question a princess, but...it’s serious.”

I followed her gaze. There was a spider the size of a haywagon rampaging down the street. I turned back. “Twilight, get me my boots.”

“It’s not raining,” she said, voice on the verge of panic as she looked outside again.

“Trust me.” I slipped the boots on and went out. The spider was nearly out of sight by the time I exited the library.

Cheerilee appeared. “Well, it looks like the warning came to pass.”

“I don’t know if I would call it an eight legged freak. I mean, it’s certainly large, but perhaps it’s just overgrown.” I shrugged.

She facehoofed and dashed away. I moseyed over to where I’d left my flamethrower apparatus and settled it onto my back. Heading in the direction where I heard the most screams, I found the spider terrorizing downtown.

“Isn’t terrorizing the town your job?” shouted a pony, fleeing from the scene.

“You clearly know me too well!” I called after him.

I walked up to the large spider and casually hosed it with fire. It didn’t like that, and started twitching and stuff. A sudden blur out of the corner of my eye made me flinch and squeeze the trigger. It turned out to be Cheerilee, and I flamethrower’d her.

The vampire flambé bounced off the burning spider and rocketed towards another part of town. I turned back to the library, satisfied with a job well done. Killing the spider had been pretty good, too. I met Luna along the way. She appeared to have a problem.

“Spiders,” she explained hurriedly. I burned her hotel room, stomping the survivors that came crawling out. That seemed to satisfy her, but created a whole host of new complaints from other ponies.

After a lot of explaining, some bribe paying, and many threats of burnination, I got free of the angry mob. Slipping away from torches and pitchforks was becoming a thing for me. I almost had it down to a science.

I was lounging in the library when Cheerilee came stalking in. She was mostly char-free, but the look on her face was pure rage. She threw down a hoof full of dead spiders in front of me.

“Seven,” she spat.

“Huh?” I replied.

“All these spiders have just seven legs. This wasn’t the threat at all.” She pulled out another piece of paper. “What’s worse...”

I read the words. Ponyville shall tremble under the wrath of a MAGNIFICENT eight legged freak.

I sighed. “What a tangled web this is.”

Author note: You’ll be seeing more of this. A lot more.

Cheese and Spiders part 2

Luna’s stated purpose in Ponyville was vacation, but personally I think she just wanted to play with robots. After the Changeling incident in which the combat designs of yours truly played a significant role, the Equestrian military had been interested in paying me large sums of money. I don’t know why. It’s not like I was going to sell them anything.

Being a badass and saving the day with technology was cool, and it was better than having a real job. I had reached the decision to maintain my monopoly on robotics in Equestria, and part of that was saving the best stuff for myself. That kind of made me poor, though.

My hope was that I could show Luna a good enough time that I could convince her to purchase something else from me, like petroleum products. Valiantco™ had yet to see any profits, but I was working on it.

Unfortunately, Luna never received any recreation from me, because royal duties called. Specifically, she had to deal with the Magnificent Eight Legged Freak.

“The swarm of spiders the other day was unacceptable,” said Luna. “Before I have Cheerilee assassinate whoever is responsible, we must figure out the whys and hows of the arachnid attack on Ponyville.”

I nodded. “Sounds like a plan. Wait, did you say assass-”

Twilight burst into the hotel room. “Princ-er, Cheese! We have a big problem!”

The purple unicorn proceeded to explain how a ground-carpeting mass of small spiders had been seen pouring from the Everfree Forest. The swarm would arrive in town soon.

“How many legs did they have?” I asked. Twilight had been made aware of the seven/eight legged conundrum.

“I don’t know, and honestly I don’t have time to care. We need to do something fast!” Twilight hurried out the door. Luna and I followed.

The hotel had been mysteriously rebuilt overnight. I suspected the Princess was involved, although how she’d managed to do it without dropping her Cheese disguise was a bit of a mystery.

I thought for a moment. No it wasn’t. She’d probably done it while I had the whole town distracted with my drunken antics. At the VS (victory over spiders) Day party Pinkie had thrown, I’d had a little more to drink than usual. Checking the tank on the still that morning, I’d noticed it was more empty than it normally was.

Luna and I walked to the edge of town. A slow moving black wave was coming. “How shall we defeat this swarm bearing down on us?” she asked.

“I have a plan.” Years before, when drilling a water well, an oil well had accidentally been created. I bought it for a song, and had a vast untapped resource at my disposal. Generally, I used it for my own purposes because none of the ponies really knew what to do with it.

I got into my primary robot and fetched a couple barrels of crude. After her disastrous experience with mechanics, Luna had been practicing to achieve a moderate level of competence. With her help, we quickly splashed a giant oil circle around Ponyville. Just before the spiders arrived, we lit it up.

I imagined I could hear tiny little shrieks as the flames quickly took care of the crowded arachnids. The noise was probably actually the residents of Ponyville as they realized they were surrounded by a ring of fire.

Luna studied the black smoke the oil gave off. “I’m sure this is not good for pegasi health.”

I shrugged. “They can stir up a wind and blow it away.”

The Princess and I headed towards Sugarcube Corner. It was only a matter of time until Pinkie threw another VS party. As we got there, the door flew open and the party pony came flying out. She looked toward the clouds of smoke and exclaimed, “Wow, getting victory over that bunch of spiders was really extreme! Instead of having a VS party, let’s have a VX party!”

“I’ll bring the nerve gas,” I said. Luna and Pinkie stared at me. “Sorry, weapons of mass destruction joke.”

Twilight showed up just then. “Everypony, I just figured out something important! We need to get out there and give those spiders a closer look to make sure I’m right about this.”

“Those fires are going to burn for a while,” I said. “Just sit tight here, safe in Ponyville.”

Just then, the pegasi made the wind change direction and the flames began to blow towards the town.

A thin piece of sheet metal fluttered down the street, riding the thermal currents. It smacked Twilight in the face.

“Hey, what’s this?” I said, pulling it off her. I turned it over. It was bent and looked like it had been ripped off something. There were also words painted on it.

“An Eight Legged Freak in cooperation with The Crystal King will bring Ponyville and all of Equestria to its knees,” I read. My eyes bugged out as I saw the last line. “This robot built by-”

“What does that mean?” asked Twilight, fearfully.

I ground my teeth together. “We have a big problem.”

I looked around. “Oh, and the fire bearing down on us is also pretty bad.”

Cheese and Spiders part 3

“I’ve been doing some research,” said Twilight.

I looked up. “Anything related to getting rid of all these spiders?”

“Well, sort of. In a roundabout way.” The unicorn dropped her nose back into a notebook she was looking at.

“How about something related to putting out the fire that is about to burn down the whole town?” I shouted.

“Oh, that?” she said. “Pour water on it.”

I went outside with a megaphone. “All right you lazy pegasi, listen up! Make a rainstorm and put out that fire!”

“Can’t get close,” said one of them. “Too much smoke.”

I walked back inside. “We’re all going to die.”

“One thing at a time,” said Twilight, too engrossed with her studying to pay attention. “I think I know how to isolate who this mysterious Eight Legged Freak is. Also perhaps the Crystal King. We just need to get a fresh perspective.”

“What’s that mean?” I asked, looking out the window at the advancing flames.

“I believe the answer lies in another dimension. An alternate universe where things are slightly different so that we can see what changed and what stayed the same.” She continued to look at her notes and not out the window.

The door burst open. Princess Luna in her Cheese disguise came in. “I don’t want to alarm anypony but-”

“Good, you’re here,” said Twilight. “I’m sure it would help to have your insight, Princess. I’ve been combing the multiverse looking for a suitable destination to find our answers."

“Twilight, I’m not sure this is the time,” said Luna.

“Well, technically it’s always the time because while we’re hopping to other dimensions, no time will pass in our own,” explained Twilight. “Here, let’s get set up.”

The purple mare pulled out an ugly chunk of basalt that was wrapped in various electronics. It was what had brought me to Equestria, along the way getting all tangled up in a weird plot with the Changelings. But that was water under the bridge.

Speaking of water, there still wasn’t any being poured on the fire. I nervously waited for Twilight to get things set up so we could leave. After the Changeling plot had been revealed, she'd done a lot of research on the rock, and had learned better how it worked. She could theoretically force it to transport us through the multiverse at will. Hopefully we could find some way to set things straight.

“Princess, I think your magical disguise might affect the process,” said Twilight. Luna nodded and dropped her Cheese look, becoming her usual tall blue self again.

“Okay,” said Twilight. “I think I know a good place to start.”

“Which alternate universe is it?” I asked.

“I’ve calculated the probability of how many different layers the multiverse contains,” she explained. “I didn’t have any way of classifying them otherwise, so I just put all of them in a list. We’re going to number 63.”

“But which universe is that?” I asked. Twilight ignored me, already gearing up the spell. There was a flash of light and we were transported to a different place. Well, different, but sort of the same. We were still in the library, but there were a few key differences.

“This is highly unusual,” said Luna. He stared at himself and at us.

Twilight nodded his head. “Valiant, I believe you’ve been here before?”

I facehoofed. "Oh God, this universe."

Cheese and Spiders part 4

“All right, it looks like there’s no fire burning down the town in this universe. That’s a good start.” Twilight walked through the library and checked out the windows. He turned around, looking pleased.

Princess Luna—or perhaps Prince now?—walked over to have a look. I began combing the library for clues. Nothing was immediately apparent.

“Perhaps we need to go out to check the town and talk with ponies,” said Twilight. “After all, we don’t have memories of this universe.”

I supposed that made sense, although hopefully I wouldn’t have to be seen in public as a mare for too long. In the usual universe, it seemed like mares outnumbered stallions five or six to one. At least that’s what I had observed. Maybe there was some special place in Equestria where there was a town filled with stallions…

…like the version of Ponyville we stepped into upon exiting the library. Seriously, there were dudes everywhere. Luna had re-disguised as Cheese and we walked down the street pretty much unnoticed. I wondered what girl-me did when it was that time of the month. Probably kill ponies that hit on her. It’s what I would do.

We headed through the market. Applejack was there at his apple stand. “Howdy y’all! How are things?”

“We’re here on a secret mission from another dimension.”

Applejack cocked his head. “Twilight, are you feelin’ okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah, ‘We’re here on a secret mission from another dimension’ sounds like something I would usually say.”

“Well it’s true,” huffed Twilight.

“So you aren’t really the Twilight Ah know?” asked Applejack.

“That’s right,” replied the unicorn. “I’m usually a mare.”

The farm pony blinked at his friend and then cracked up laughing. “That’s the craziest thing Ah’ve ever heard.”

“I’ll admit that I’m not the usually the calm head here,” I said, “but do you think you could maybe serious up? We’ve got a bit of a problem.”

The orange earth pony kept laughing.

I sighed. “Shut your mouth and quit rolling on the ground or I’ll geld you.”

Applejack serious’d. “All right, how can I help?”

“We’re looking for cues on how our two universes are different,” said Twilight. “Can you think of any way to determine that?”

“Well…do y’all have pears where you come from?” asked Applejack.

“Yes.”

AJ made a face. “Darn.”

“We should go talk to Pinkie,” suggested Twilight. “If anypony knows anything about crazy dimensional things, it’s probably her. I mean, him.”

Applejack seemed to agree with that. Cheese, Twilight, and I went to find the party pony. I figured I was probably non grata at Sugarcube Corner because the last time I was in this universe I kissed Caramel in a complicated scheme to divert Mr. and Mrs. Cakes’ attention from asking me to babysit their kids.

The plot I had concocted was based entirely on the Cakes’ über fear of teh gay. I only knew about it because Pinkie was a lesbian in the usual universe. I wondered how that translated to this one.

We didn’t get to find out however, as Pinkie met us outside. “Ohmygosh, I’m so glad to see you guys! Well, Valiant’s a girl, but you know what I meant. Anywho, we really need to get going right now!”

Generally, when Pinkie knew something you didn’t, it was in your best interest to play along. We went with her to the local music establishment where she told us where to sit and then disappeared. A waitress came to take our orders. After sitting for a few minutes, Luna asked, “What is this place?”

“It’s a karaoke club,” explained Twilight. “I’ve read about these places.” She went on to explain to Luna how they worked.

Pinkie came rushing back. “We really need to go. I brought you to the wrong place, and now Mr. Ears is after us!”

“Who’s Mr. Ears?” I asked quietly.

“That would be me!” shouted a stallion from across the room. His name suited him. If I thought Featherweight was part bat with his big ears, this guy must have been part elephant.

“He hears everything!” squealed Pinkie.

As Mr. Ears made his way across the crowded room towards us, I grabbed a nearby pencil and paper and scribbled: Luna, why don’t you go try the karaoke? Royal Canterlot voice, please.

She quickly wrote back, What should I sing?

I penned out a quick sheet of lyrics and sent her to the stage.

Mr. Ears stepped up. “Sup?” I asked.

“I heard that you’re looking for the Eight Legged Freak,” he said.

“That’s right!” exclaimed Twilight. “Can you tell us where to find him or her?”

“Yes,” said Mr. Ears. “But I won’t. I’m in business with said Freak.”

“Well, I guess then I don’t feel bad about doing this to you.” I looked at the stage where Luna belted out the song I had given her.

BOOM BOOM ACKA LACKA LACKA BOOM

BOOM BOOM ACKA LACKO BOOM BOOM

IT WAS A NIGHT LIKE THIS FORTY MILLION YEARS AGO

I LIT A CIGARETTE, PICKED UP A MONKEY, START TO GO

THE SUN WAS SPITTING FIRE, THE SKY WAS BLUE AS ICE

I FELT A LITTLE TIRED, SO I WATCHED 'MIAMI VICE'

I WALKED A DINOSAUR, I WALKED A DINOSAUR

OPEN THE DOOR, GET ON THE FLOOR

EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR

OPEN THE DOOR, GET ON THE FLOOR

EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR!

Mr. Ears fell to the floor screaming in auditory pain. I calmly knocked him over the head with a nearby bottle and he went limp. Twilight asked, "Do they really dance to this music where you come from?"

"Sure, disco's dead so we had to find something else to get weird with." I turned to the comatose Mr. Ears. "All right, let’s go interrogate this turkey.”

Cheese and Spiders part 5

The room was dark. Mr. Ears was tied to a chair with a gag in his mouth. From my own seat, I stared at him.

“This isn’t going to go well for you,” I said. “I assume you know who I am?”

He nodded, a little fear creeping into his face.

“What you may not know is that I’m the normal Valiant. I’m even less pleased to be here than usual. I used to be a guy, and finding myself in some kind of gender-flipped version of Equestria pisses me off.” I stared hard at him. “I’m going to take that out on you unless you cooperate. Capiche?”

He nodded again and I removed the gag. “All right. Who is the Eight Legged Freak?”

“I don’t know.”

I rolled my eyes. “I just went to the trouble of explaining why you shouldn’t jerk me around.”

“I’m just in business with ELF. I don’t know who it is.”

ELF. Cute. I sighed. “Well, at least give me some clues. I’m kind of violent when I want to be.”

“Go to Sweet Apple Acres and talk to Big Macintosh,” Mr. Ears told me. “That is literally the only clue I have.”

“That’s not much of a clue at all.”

He shrugged. “ELF is interested in the farm, and I think the two of them have spoken.”

“All right. Now for my other questions. What do you know about the Crystal King, or robots?”

“Nothing.”

I’m no Element of Honesty, and couldn’t tell if he was lying. Regardless, I picked up a pair of cymbals Pinkie had lent me and crashed them together very close to his head. He was still complaining of ringing in his ears as I left for the farm.

Even as a mare, Big Mac was freaking huge. I said. “Hey, I’m here to ask you about ELF.”

She gave me a blank look. I prompted, “The Eight Legged Freak?”

Mac shrugged. “Traded letters. Somethin’ about revenge.”

“Revenge for what?”

“Didn’t say. Sounded crazy.”

“Do you still have the letters?”

“Eenope. Used ‘em for tinder.”

Well, my last hope for learning more about the mysterious ELF had gone up in smoke—literally. I turned away. Mac called me back. “Ah heard you keep secrets for ponies.”

I eyed her. “I guess so. It’s been a while since I met anyone who asked me to.”

“Well, this has nothin’ to do with yer Eight Legged Freak, but Ah’m a werewolf.”

I blinked. “Okay.”

She sighed. “Whew, feels good to get that off my chest. Here, have an apple.”

Well, that was strange. I wondered if it was specific to Universe 63, or if Big Mac was just a werewolf everywhere. Eh, I had bigger fish to fry. It made me sad that this wasn't the strangest thing that had happened to me in the past few days.

I walked back to Ponyville eating the apple and thinking. I encountered Cheerilee on the way. Strange as it was to see the male version of Cheerilee, he was still a vampire. I gave him a reasonably wide berth, but he wanted to talk instead of merely glaring daggers at me.

“Princess Luna thinks he may have discovered something important related to the Eight Legged Freak.”

“Say ELF,” I told him. “It saves time.”

Ignoring me, he said, “Get back to the library. This is going to be important.”

I certainly hoped so. As I continued on into town, a lawyer crossed my path. “Hey there young lady, the name’s Crispy. You look like you could use professional legal services.”

“One, I’m not a lady,” I said. “Two, go crawl back under the rock you came from before I murder you in unpleasant but innovative ways.”

He laughed. “Sorry, must have gotten off on the wrong hoof. My business is in food services. I’m a restaurant lawyer.”

“A restaurant lawyer?” I asked. “What, did you pass the bar and grill exam? I told you before, I’m not interested. I don’t even own a restaurant.”

“I’m here about the tequila,” he said. “You produce that, correct?”

I had figured out how to ferment and distill grain alcohol, but had been unable to find agave to produce my favorite hard beverage. “What do you mean?”

“You’re the only pony that I’ve ever heard of that can grow the right plant in order to make it,” he said.

Strange, I couldn’t do that in the usual universe. Girl-me is so cool. I said to Crispy, “Give me your card and maybe I’ll get back to you.”

I left him there and continued on to the library. A sudden thought struck me. What if growing blue agave for tequila is my version of earth pony magic?

Author Note:

Werewolf Big Macintosh credit to BaroqueNexus, as well as the idea that he and and Vampire Cheerilee team up. Somebody get Koolaid Man, because I don’t think I can OH YEAH that idea enough.

Rainbow Dreams (by Lithl)

This chapter courtesy of Lithl. The character of Guinness belongs to Altoid.

Hiya, I’m Rainbow Dash. You might recognize me as the only pony ever to pull off a Sonic Rainboom. Or maybe you’ve heard of the Elements of Harmony? Yep, I’m Loyalty, all the way. Or perhaps you know me as the most super-ultra-extreme-awesomazing pony in all of Equestria? That’s what my fans call me, anyway. It’s true, they held a vote on it at one of my fanclub meetings.

There’re a couple things you might not know me as: married to the most awesome stallion alive — who also happens to be a wicked cool alien — and the coolest mother to ever bear a foal.

“How did those awesome things happen?” I hear you ask. Well just sit back and listen, ‘cuz I’ve got one radicool story for you.

Just, uh... keep this between you and me, okay? There are some parts of the story I’d rather not spread around. It’s not because they were uncool — okay, maybe a little uncool — but there are some ponies I don’t want to worry with some of the stuff I did. You can keep a secret, right? Right.

I felt feathers brushing across my face. They brought me into that half-awake state where you know you’ll never get back to sleep, but you really don’t want to get up anyway.

“Hey, you,” the owner of the feathers whispered. I cracked my eyes open, and immediately regretted the decision. I’d tried some of Valiant’s “tequila” last night — hey, he’s been off on his space adventure or whatever for over a week, he’s not here to complain — and now I had the hangover to go with it. If this was the consequence of drinking tequila, I don’t know why Valiant drank so much, and so often.

I took some time to get used to the morning sunlight trying to stab my brain through my eyes, and turned to face the grinning dark blue stallion standing next to my bed. His bright red mane lay flat and damp; he’d already showered.

“I left you some pancakes.”

And he’d already made breakfast. And eaten his share.

“Also: We’re out of toothpaste. I can pick some up later, but you may have to go without today.”

Ugh. Morning ponies. My head was pounding and Guinness was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Well, drippy-tailed since he hadn’t quite dried off from his shower yet, but it’s an expression! At least he let me sleep, and made me some breakfast.

“Ugh,” I’m surprised Celestia hasn’t hired me as a speechwriter.

“You okay, Dash?”

“Sure, just... talk quieter.”

Guinness frowned a bit. “A hangover?” The way he said it, he was almost asking himself more than he was asking me. Still, I nodded. At least, I tried to. It hurt to nod. “Dash, alcohol is bad for the foal!”

I winced at the noise. “Well, how’m I supposed to know that? Besides, I don’t think I’ll be having any more any time soon. The morning after isn’t cool at all.”

“C’mon, Dash, it’s time to get up. You’ll be late for work.”

“‘m off today,” I mumbled. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes with one hoof while I used the other to push myself up from the cloud bed.

“Well you should get up anyway. Your pancakes will get cold. I’ll see you later, okay?” Guinness pecked me on the cheek and trotted out, off to do... whatever he had planned for today.

Come to think of it, what did Guinness get up to during the day? I looked to the nightstand and the can he’d been looking for for so long. The can was blue and silver, with a pair of red bulls emblazoned on the side. It was the object that brought him to Equestria, and supposedly it would send him back home. Then he knocked me up, and he didn’t want to leave. The most confusing part was how he kept trying to crack jokes about how “Red Bull gave him wings.” Nopony really understood it, except maybe Valiant; or Pinkie, who was the only pony to actually laugh.

I guess it’s appropriate for the Element of Loyalty to have a coltfriend who’s loyal enough to pull a 180 — nah, make that “pull a chandelle,” that’s way cooler than just pulling a boring 180 — a coltfriend who’s loyal enough to pull a chandelle for you when he finds out he’s got a little filly on the way.

Your foal will be a colt.

I mean, I guess my foal could be a colt, too. I kinda hope it’ll be a filly, though. I think I’ll know how to deal with a filly’s problems better, since I was a filly once.

I rubbed at my stomach as I sat up on the bed. It would be months before anything became noticeable and anypony besides my close friends would know. Well, I suppose Pinkie would eventually throw me a foal shower and she’d invite the whole town. Until then, though, it would just be me, Guinness, and my friends.

Ooh... I should probably tell my dad about this one...

I flew home early from work one day, and as I walked in the front door, I heard somepony shuffling around in the bedroom. “Hey, Guinness?” I called out. In response, I heard some fumbling around and a loud crash — well, as loud a crash as you can have in a cloud house.

I took wing and dashed back to my bedroom as fast as I could manage without damaging anything else. That is to say, faster than most pegasi fly in their entire lives, but not quite fast enough to wow the Wonderbolts or make a rainboom. I knocked some pictures and papers and junk off tables and shelves and whatnot, but either I had an intruder alarmed by my entrance, or my Guinness knocked something over and he might be hurt.

The second possibility proved true, as I flew into the bedroom to find my dresser — it was an heirloom passed down from my grandmother, okay? I got it because I was named after her, and I wasn’t about to throw something like that away — had fallen over onto my lover, whose eyes were spinning dizzily. I may not put much stock in clothes like Rarity does, or my grandmother did, but it was a nice old piece of furniture, and convenient for storing a lot of things that weren’t clothes. Like Wonderbolts para... para-something. Wonderbolts stuff. Anyway, my point is that my dresser is heavy, and it took some work to get my coltfriend out from underneath it. Probably nine minutes or so to get the dresser back upright, Guinness onto the bed, and all the stuff that fell out back into its proper spot.

Then some more work to get him out of his daze.

Then I apologized to him with some kisses. And... other things.

This is a bad idea.

Hey, we already had a foal on the way, so nothing more could come of anything we did in private, right? Right.

Eventually, exhausted, we just lay in the bed and snuggled. But in a cool way, not a sappy, lovey-dovey way. “So,” he started, “You’re home early.”

I nodded sleepily and murmured into his chest, “I finally convinced myself to send a letter to my dad about the foal, and... about you.”

Guinness pushed me back and I totally didn’t make any sound like a whimper. He only pushed me far enough away so that he could get a good look into my eyes, though, so I could forgive him for that. “You mean you haven’t told your father yet?”

“You haven’t told your parents!” I countered.

Guinness facehoofed. “Dash, my parents are in another dimension. And if I went back to tell them, I’m not sure I could ever come back to you.”

I grunted, knowing he was right, but I wasn’t about to admit that. I rolled onto my stomach and stretched out my wings. “New subject: preening time!” The change in topic may not have been subtle, but the new topic was pleasant enough that Guinness didn’t seem to care. Preening is a very intimate and very important part of a pegasus’s grooming, and Guinness... wasn’t very good at it, to tell the truth. I guess there really is a difference between being born with wings, achieving wings, and having wings strapped on your back.

I’d been trying to help him improve, and he had been improving — slowly. Most times after I’d had Guinness preen my wings, I still felt like I had a bunch of feathers out of place. I’d go preen myself elsewhere, so as to not hurt his feelings. Still, he didn’t hurt me or pull out any wrong feathers any more. If his moans were any indication, he really liked it when we’d switch and I’d preen him.

“So, when are you going to write to your father?”

“Well I was planning to do it when I got home... then stuff happened.”

“I think I like ‘stuff,’” he snuffled into my mane, and I could hear him smiling.

Eventually I managed to stumble out of bed to go write the letter. I’d been psyching myself up to write all day at work; no sense to waste all that effort. Guinness followed me out of the bedroom and pranced into the kitchen — totally like an awesome stallion, honest. While I pulled out a scroll, quill, and ink, he started throwing together a dinner for two.

I stared at the paper for a long while, my mind blank. I had spent so much time convincing myself to get the letter done, I hadn’t given any thought to what exactly I would write.

Before I could put anything down, Guinness dropped a plate in front of me with a lettuce and tomato sandwich on it. “Can’t figure out what to write?” He seemed unusually happy for a stallion whose fillyfriend was having family problems.

I slumped over my plate and said, “Uh-uh.”

“Here, I’ll dictate for you: ‘Dear dad. I met a guy who’s totally awesome. We banged, and now you’re going to be a grandfather. Sincerely, Rainbow Dash.’”

I groaned. That was just terrible. No way I was going to write a letter like that to my dad.

“Eat up, maybe you’ll get an idea about what to write by the time you’re done.” Guinness was still smiling like an idiot, watching me intently.

I eyed the sandwich on my plate. Something was wrong. Guinness was expecting something of me and the food, which meant it wasn’t just a normal lettuce and tomato sandwich. “Guinness, what did you put in my food?”

“Nothing...!” His eyes shifted to the left, while mine narrowed dangerously.

“This isn’t like the time you tried to make me eat ‘haybacon,’ is it?”

“No...!”

“Guinness, you tell me everything you put on this sandwich, right now!”

He sighed. Tartarus has no fury like a pissed-off mare. I’m pretty sure I bungled that expression, but whatever. “Whole wheat bread. Freshly sliced tomatoes. Iceberg lettuce. Uh... mayo...” He refused to look at me as he rattled off the final ingredient. Suspicious.

“What kind of mayo?” I crossed my arms to make sure he could see my frustration.

“Um... it’s a custom blend?” I glared at him. Not quite as effective as Fluttershy’s capital-ess-Stare, but still pretty good. “Garlic-paprika-onion-sugar-mustard-salt-and-smoke,” he said in one quick breath.

“See, was that so hard?” I smiled, and he relaxed. “Wait... smoke?”

“Liquid smoke. Trap the smoke, let it condense into a liquid. It’s like steam turning into water.”

“Huh.” I didn’t really have any words. It sounded pretty cool, to be honest, and the rest of the ingredients are pretty tasty. I couldn’t tell why he was worried. “So do you have a name for this ‘custom blend’ of yours?”

“Uh... not yet. I was hoping to make sure it tasted good before giving it a name. So let’s eat!” I couldn’t argue with his logic, and we each scooped up our sandwich to take a bite.

The liquid smoke he used in the mayo was instantly apparent, but not unpleasant. With the tomatoes, it was almost like eating roast tomatoes off the grill, except the smokiness was spread through the whole sandwich by the spreadable mayo. There was something else, too, “Did you put apple juice in the mayo, too?”

“No,” after a moment’s consideration, he said, “but I got the wood from Applejack, so it was probably applewood, come to think of it.”

I took another few bites. “Well, Guinness, I think you’ve hit on a success, here. The liquid smoke stuff reminds me of summer, and the other spices give it... I don’t know how to describe the flavor. Salty yet sweet, and a little bit like overcooked provolone.”

I took another bite while Guinness pumped a hoof in the air shouting things like “yes” and “I did it!” He was certainly proud of himself, and I think he deserved it. This stuff was good. Guinness scarfed down the rest of his sandwich and kissed me, licking his lips as he pulled back. “So, I’ve got a name for it, Rainbow. Wanna hear it?” I nodded. “Baconnaise.”

What.

“Squibles — that’s the giffin I told you about, remember? — he and I are opening a tavern across the street from the railway hotel. We’re catering to out-of-town guests, especially non-ponies.” Guinness was grinning like an idiot. “Squibles gave me a project to come up with stuff for our menu that tastes like meat that a pony wouldn’t have a problem digesting... exactly the kind of project I’ve been trying to tackle since forever.”

I already knew that Guinness’s original species ate meat, but despite being a pony, he still wanted the taste of dead animals. Ew. He was constantly trying to find some way to get his “fix,” as he called it, and I humored him because he was otherwise awesome.

Now, apparently, he’d achieved his goal of making something that tasted like “bacon” and, I was ashamed to admit, the result tasted good.

Guinness stopped his celebrations when he noticed that I’d pushed away my plate, still with a few bites of the sandwich left. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m happy for you, Guinness, really. But I’m already having a crisis of family at the moment. I don’t think I can deal with a crisis of digestion, too.”

Eat the baconnaise. It tastes too good to refuse.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts and turned back to my still-blank scroll. Guinness gave me another peck on the cheek and cleared away the table, wisely giving me my space.

Eventually, I managed to put together a letter that I wouldn’t be soul-crushingly embarrassed to have my dad read. I’ll admit, I stole one of Guinness’s ideas for the letter. He was pretty awesome. I rolled up the scroll and addressed it before leaving it on the table.

I crawled into bed with Guinness, and though it was late, he was still awake. “You get your letter written?” He asked. I nodded into his chest. Guinness’s chest is super comfy. “I’ll make sure it gets in the mail tomorrow, okay?” I nodded again, beginning to drift off into sleep. “Oh, by the way, I’ve got something to do out of town tomorrow. I’ll be back in just a couple days, so don’t worry about me.” It wasn’t until the next morning that I actually processed his words; at the time, I simply nodded again, and fell asleep wrapped up in bed with him, warm and happy.

This was it.

Today was my appointment for my first ultrasound.

Guinness was supposed to meet me at the hospital, but I had Pinkie with me in the waiting room. Dear sweet Celestia, why did I think that would be a good idea? Pinkie’s one of my best friends, she’s a great pranking partner, and I love her to death, but she is not the mare to bring with you to help you calm your nerves.

Not that my nerves needed calming, of course, I’m too awesome to be nervous. Just, y’know, in general: Pinkie does not share the effects of chamomile tea.

In the waiting room, she was entertaining herself by poking me in the gut. And singing.

“Your eyes are bright and sparkling.

Your cheeks have got a glow

Your belly’s being touched and rubbed

by ponies you don’t know.”

“Pinkie, you’re the only one touching me.”

“You’re craving weird, exotic foods,” Or at least I’ve got a coltfriend who’s tricking me into eating them...

“and calories don’t matter.

You can’t remember life without

a hoof in your bladder.” Pinkie punctuated that line with, you guessed it, a hoof straight into my bladder. She can get a bit over excited sometimes, and I’ve had the bruises to prove it.

“You’re getting medical advice

from everypony that you see.

Welcome to the joyous days

of Motherhood-to-be!” She finished her song with a giggle, and finally sat down next to me to wait. All I can say is thank Celestia we were the only ones in the room.

“So, Dashie, do you know where foals come from?” It was an innocent enough question, and it might have even been sincere, knowing the source. Then again, Pinkie has a habit of surprising you in... interesting ways.

“Of course I do. That’s why we’re waiting for my appointment with Doctor Practice, Pinkie. I’m growing a foal inside of me right now.”

Pinkie shook her head violently, hard enough to make her springy mane lash out and hit me in the face. Ow. “That’s just what they want you to think. The Theory of Pony Reproduction is just that — a theory. I’ve got another theory that’s supported by Science!” I could practically hear her capitalize the last word as she shot a hoof into the air dramatically. “Do you wanna hear it?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Nope!” Pinkie cleared her throat, “The Theory of the Stork, by Professor Pinkamena Pie! The abstract idea is—”

“Wait,” I cut her off, “are you seriously telling me that you believe foals are brought by the stork? That’s just a tale for little curious foals!”

“Hey, the Theory of the Stork has plenty of science to back it up!”

“Oh, really?” I cocked an eyebrow at her. “Like what, pray tell?”

“Well, first and foremost, it is a scientifically established fact that the stork exists. This is confirmed by every established orni... ornu... othop... bird-watcher pony in Equestria.

“And secondly, the alleged ‘pony fetal development’ has several features that the Theory of Pony Reproduction is unable to explain.”

“Like what?” Despite myself, I was starting to get into the whole debate, like it was a serious thing. Like my foal’s life depended on Pinkie being wrong about the Stork.

“Well, the Theory of Pony Reproduction implies that a foal is nearly a year old at birth, which is just silly. Everypony knows that a newborn foal is newborn.

“Then there’s the claim that foals are the direct result of rolling in the hay. I roll in the hay all the time, and I haven’t had a foal yet!”

I had to facehoof hard at that one. “Pinkie ‘rolling in the hay’ is just an expression meaning... the stuff you do with Fluttershy in the bedroom at night. Except foals require a mare and stallion, not two mares.”

She blinked, confused. “Really? I guess that explains the ponies who laugh when I talk about rolling in the hay... My point stands, though: there is an entire industry dedicated to rolls in the hay that do not produce foals.” She grinned at her cleverness. “Why is eating ice cream called ‘rolling in the hay,’ anyway...?” I decided to just let the matter drop. I knew for a fact that Pinkie got intimate with Fluttershy on occasion; I couldn’t tell whether Pinkie was just yanking my tail.

“Furthermore, there are statistical studies in the Neightherlands that indicate a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks.”

Now that was interesting, even if it sounded like she was quoting Twilight. “Really?”

Pinkie nodded with a grim frown. “Yes. Both are decreasing.” In an instant, she was back to her bubbly self, as though nothing had happened. “The Theory of the Stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that foals are delivered by the stork!”

And that’s another facehoof right there. At least Pinkie’s silly little debate distracted me from the waiting, because just then a white pegasus nurse stepped into the waiting room, “Miss Dash? Doctor Practice will see you now.” I stood up and headed to the door the nurse was holding open, and Pinkie followed. The nurse, however, wouldn’t let her through. “I’m sorry, only immediate family members and the father of the foal are permitted.”

“Uh...” I am an amazing public speaker, “You do know this is Pinkie Pie, right? I mean, if she wants to watch my ultrasound, she’ll probably hand the popcorn to my foal.”

The nurse shook her head, her curly blonde mane threatening to dislodge her nurse’s cap. “Sorry, it’s hospital policy.”

“Don’t worry, Dashie,” Pinkie grinned, “I’ve got some work to do at Sugarcube Corner, anyway. You and Guinness can come by later and show me the pictures, okay?”

The nurse — she introduced herself as Nurse Surprise, who was usually responsible for keeping the youngest patients happy — led me to an examination room with a narrow metal stall next to some equipment I couldn’t even begin to understand. I could guess the stuff was for my ultrasound, but beyond that I had no idea.

Nurse Surprise directed me into the stall facing the door into the room, and to my surprise — heh — she closed it behind me! I couldn’t move more than a couple inches forward or back, the stall was too narrow to turn around, and the bars restricted my wings. So, I took my best option of a bunch of bad ones.

I started hyperventilating.

A credit to her ability as a nurse, Surprise noticed my trouble immediately and took measures to help. Specifically, she shoved her face into mine so that I couldn’t see anything but her pale violet eyes, and she started talking in that soothing voice that seems to come with the job. I didn’t pay much attention to the exact words she said, but once she calmed me down, she showed me that my view of the room wasn’t restricted in any way, only my movement, and she demonstrated how simple the stall gate’s release was.

Once Surprise was satisfied that I wouldn’t go off again, she returned her attention to my rear end. She wrapped my tail in a couple hair bands, then lifted it over the top bar of the gate and used a hook to keep it in place, exposing me to the cold air. I wiggled my dock a bit, but my tail remained secure high above where anypony would lift it, even in intimate company.

I could see why visitors were restricted so heavily. The position Surprise had secured me into was, frankly, embarrassing. I took small comfort with the fact that when Guinness showed up, his alien upbringing would probably mean he wouldn’t even notice.

With that thought, my mind spun through my recent time with my coltfriend. He’d been acting a bit weird since getting back from his trip last month, but I figured he was just as anxious about the doctor’s visit as I was. I mean, not that I was ever anxious, but anything called “ultra” is worth being careful around, because it’s just that awesome, right? Right.

As I was lost in thought, the door opened and Doctor Practice walked in. I’d been seeing Doctor Practice ever since my first heat cycle, and he was the obvious choice to go to when I found out I was with foal.

He was a sturdy yellow earth pony with an unusually short blue mane. He was starting to get a couple gray hairs, but he still had most of his color going for him. His cutie mark was surprisingly complicated, with a pair of snakes and wings and a staff and such. I’d asked Twilight about it once while she was on a “Cutie Mark Interpretation” binge, and when she came back to me she had been confused, saying that it was similar to a common medical cutie mark, but it was actually related to travel and trading things. Whatever. Doctor Practice had been good to me for years, I didn’t really care what some book guessed about his cutie mark.

“Good morning, Rainbow Dash!”

“Good morning, Doctor Practice!”

“Please, dear, you’ve known me for how long? I know you better than most colts you’ll meet,” he winked at me, and I blushed. Doctor Practice was like an uncle who teaches you naughty jokes while your dad isn’t listening. His occupation made his personality all the more crude — and hilarious. “How many times do I have to tell you to just call me by my first name?” He gave me that mock glare of somepony pretending to be mad.

I rolled my eyes, “Good morning, Mal!”

“That’s better!” Doctor Practice and I chatted about this and that. He steered the conversation towards Guinness, me, and how we’d been doing — both physically and emotionally. That was part of his job, after all, and no matter how friendly and carefree he might act, he was working as hard as I did when busting clouds.

While he talked, he set up some of the equipment near my stall. There was a screen to my left I could clearly see when I turned my head, which Doctor Practice said would have a picture of my foal once the ultrasound began. Once the equipment was ready, he scrubbed his arms clean with soap and water in the nearby sink, and slipped on a long latex boot, stretching most of the way up his leg, which he then covered in some kind of lubricant.

“Uh, Mal? What’cha doin’?”

“Hmm? What did you think the ultrasound was going to involve? Waving a magic wand over your tummy?” He chuckled. “No, dear, the sonic probe has to get close to the fetus in order to work—”

“You only said ‘sonic’ to get me interested,” I accused.

He smiled, but didn’t deny it, “So we have to go in the back way. And I’m afraid you don’t have a unicorn for a doctor, so the probe isn’t going in alone.” He picked up the probe with his lubricated hoof, and approached me from behind. “Now, I know you haven’t been as... adventurous in the bedroom as some of my other patients, so this might hurt a little bit. Please just try to relax.”

The whole tail-lifting thing and restricted visitors made even more sense than before, as Doctor Practice started pushing his hoof inside me. I could tell that he was being gentle, going slowly and coaxing my muscles to relax, but it still hurt. It hurt a lot. The restrictive stall made sense now, too; if I had my full freedom of motion, there’s no way he’d have gotten a hoof inside. My eyes screwed tight and they started watering when I heard the door open again. I heard Nurse Surprise directing somepony into the room, and I heard Doctor Practice start to greet the newcomer before he was cut off:

“GET AWAY FROM MY MAREFRIEND!”

There was a rush of air and a crash of probably-expensive-stuff behind me, accompanied by a surprised and pained yelp from Doctor Practice.

And if Mal’s hoof hurt going in, that was nothing compared to how it felt to have his hoof wrenched out at high speed. I think my cry of pain was the only thing that stopped Guinness from “defending my honor” to the death.

Doctor Practice let me out of the stall while the whole mess was sorted out. He had a nasty shiner and a bloody nose, but seemed otherwise fine from my coltfriend’s attack. I was a little sore, but there was no bleeding. Some of the hospital’s equipment, on the other hoof, was irreparably damaged. Expensive equipment. Expensive equipment that was supposed to be giving me a picture of my foal.

“Yep, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.” Guinness winced, but between realizing who he’d hit and being given a quote for the damage he’d caused, I figured he was sufficiently chastised. “But who knows where I’ll be sleeping tonight...?” I gave him a peck on the cheek, and he gave me a weak grin.

I wanted to help shoulder the bill for the medical equipment, but Guinness was strangely quiet on that front.

“So,” I asked, “are you done ‘defending my honor’ from my doctor?” He glumly nodded.

Mal got himself checked out by another doctor, and was declared fit to perform the ultrasound. He didn’t even want to press assault charges, “I can’t say you’re not the first jealous lover that’s watched me work, but yours was certainly the most surprising reaction I’ve ever had.”

“I can’t imagine why,” I chuckled. I’d have to ask Guinness what a human ultrasound was like.

Doctor Practice helped me back into the stall and set up for the ultrasound again, with replacements for all the stuff Guinness broke. The second time around, his hoof still hurt but not nearly as much as before. I don’t know if that was because there was actually less pain, if I’d gotten used to the pain, or because Guinness was with me, strengthening me with his presence.

Yeah, it’s sappy. Shut up. I’ve got a hoof going places no hoof should ever go.

“How are you feeling, Rainbow?”

“Constipated. It feels really weird when you twist your hoof around.”

Doctor Practice probably had some quip just for comments like that, but Guinness stole my attention. “So, Rainbow, you were talking about helping me with the bill for the stuff I broke. See, the thing is... we’re about to have a foal together. And, uh... foals need to be raised by a father and a mother. And while I want to pay for my mistake, it’s true that couples share everything...”

Guinness knelt down and turned to fish something out of his saddlebag. Ohmygoshohmygosh, he was gonna give me a betrothal necklace! And then we’d have a picture of our foal, and we’d go see Pinkie, and we’d show her the pictures, and then she’d host a party — I’m pretty sure I tensed up and clamped down on Doctor Practice’s leg at that point, but I didn’t care. My coltfriend was going to give me one of his primaries on a necklace, and I’d accept it, and we’d get married, have a foal, and live happily ever after.

Yes... happily ever after...

I wasn’t thinking like the most awesome pony alive there in that examination room. At that point, I was more like somepony along the lines of Rarity, a hopeless romantic. I may not have been thinking like the most awesome pony alive, but I certainly felt like the happiest.

Guinness lifted a small black box out of his bag. Eh? A chain or rope could certainly be coiled to fit, but there was no way a grown pegasus’s primary feather could fit inside a box that small.

“Rainbow ‘Danger’ Dash,” I had to work really hard not to laugh and ruin his moment, “will you share my life with me? My successes and failures — like today? Will you let me share yours? Will you marry me, Rainbow?” Guinness opened his box to reveal...

A jeweled ring.

What.

Bwahahaha! Classic!

“Okay, uh... you realize I’m not a unicorn, right?” Guinness looked confused. I could see the gears turning in his head until realization finally dawned on him.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” Guinness smacked the poor ring box on the side of his head. “I was wondering why the guy at the shop assumed it was for a unicorn. Who else would wear a ring?”

I leaned forward to give him a nuzzle, “Well, I think some griffons use rings, although most prefer the same sort of gift pegasi use.”

Guinness leaned back, determined look on his face. He probably cared more about fixing this for me than paying for the stuff he broke. “And what is that?”

“Get me a necklace using one of your primaries as the pendant. Old Pegasopolan ponies usually crafted their own necklaces,” Guinness started scanning the room for materials he could use to make his necklace right now, “but most pegasi these days get the necklace made professionally.”

Guinness yanked out a feather to get to work, and he yelped when it hurt.

“Most pegasi these days also have a doctor remove the feather, or use one from a recent moulting,” Doctor Practice remarked sardonically.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Guinness wheezed through his teeth. “I’ll be right back and give you a proper marriage proposal. Ten seconds, no problem!” He dashed out of the room to appropriate materials for my necklace.

Mal had other things on his mind. “Rainbow, you said the conception was about two and a half months ago?” I nodded. Doctor Practice told me to look at the screen set up near me. The picture was black and white, and really grainy, but it clearly showed a foal curled up inside me. “That’s not a ten-week fetus, Rainbow. Eyeballing it, that’s at least twenty weeks, possibly closer to thirty. I wouldn’t be surprised if the fetus drops and you start showing before you can even finish planning your wedding.

“Except...” Mal sighed. “I joked about it before, but I really do know more about your body than just about any coltfirend you’ll ever have. There’s no way you could have conceived a foal twenty to thirty weeks ago, because you weren’t in estrus at the time. Even if you had cheated on that stallion — not that I would believe such a rumor for even half a second, miss Element of Loyalty! — it simply wouldn’t be physically possible.”

When my doctor says things like “not physically possible,” I pay attention. There are some things I’ll scoff at about being “impossible,” like the Sonic Rainboom, but my doctor talking about my foal is not one of them. “So what does that all mean, Mal?”

“At this point, I couldn’t say. I think the best course of action would be to schedule a biweekly appointment to check the foal’s progress. I’d also like you to give me a call when the fetus drops, okay?” I gulped at the thought of doing this every other week, but I nodded. “Now, since I’m already in, how about I introduce you to your filly?”

Wait, what?

I smiled, “I’d like that.”

Go back to the part about being a filly!

Doctor Practice was pointing out all the parts of my foal. She was a pegasus, naturally, but she wouldn’t start growing feathers until just after being born. Guinness walked back into the room with a crude necklace proudly on display just as Doctor Practice was pointing out all the things that showed that my little filly was healthy.

“Now why don’t we see if I can try this whole proposal thing again, and get it right this time?” Guinness knelt in front of me, necklace lifted, eyes closed. “Rainbow ‘Danger’ Dash, will you share my life with me,” he opened his eyes, but my attention was split between paying attention to his proposal and looking at the first images of my foal.

So sue me.

Guinness was just as curious as I was about seeing the ultrasound. He followed my gaze to the monitor without breaking a beat in his proposal.

“Will you m— AHHH! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IS THAT?” Guinness fell over backwards trying to run away from the monitor.

I stared at my coltfriend like he was crazy. Mal helped me from the other side of the stall. “That is our little filly, Guinness. I know she looks a little weird without feathers on her little wings, but Doctor Practice says she’s perfectly healthy. The feathers will grow in within a day or two after she’s born.”

“That is not a pony. That is some kind of Lovecraftian horror.”

Oop, that’s not a good sign. If the foal’s a monster, what does that make him?

“If our filly’s a monster, what does that make you?” I stuck out my tongue playfully, hoping to try and defuse the situation, “We’re almost done and I still haven’t gotten that necklace out of you, young colt!” I realized that while trying to calm down my coltfriend, Mal had already pulled out his hoof — I barely felt it exiting at all when he was being gentle, instead of being kicked across the room — and a nurse had come in to start cleaning me up and release me from the stall. Guinness seemed to calm down when the picture on the screen went away. He knelt in front of me again — third time’s the charm! — and made it all the way through his proposal without interruption. He gave me a necklace made from scraps he stole — “borrowed” — from around the hospital, and he promised to get a real one made later.

A nurse returned with a folder containing select pictures from the ultrasound. Guinness didn’t seem to have any problems looking at the photographs, and he gushed over the filly just like I had hoped he would during the exam. The folder also had an official-looking form with all kinds of technical stuff about the foal. The nurse had to point out a spot near the bottom that had the information Guinness and I really wanted, the estimated due date.

Before we left, Nurse Surprise hoofed me a note that she said was from Mal.

Rainbow — The date I’ve put on the official report is an estimate based on when you said the foal was conceived. If you actually foal then, you’ll definitely need an H-Section to deliver; your filly will have simply grown too large at that point to foal normally. We’ll know more after you come in again one or two times, but for now: if the foal was somehow conceived earlier, the due date should be just in time for Hearts and Hooves day. If — and this is just from a flash of inspiration, mind you, not something supported by any actual evidence yet — if your filly is somehow growing faster than normal, then expect foaling sometime around the end of the summer.

I hid the note away from Guinness. He didn’t need to know about these problems, and until Mal gave me another ultrasound, it was all just guessing anyway, right? Right.

Pull the other one. It has bells on.

Apparently, the fourth of July was some kind of big celebration for humans. Guinness tried to explain the history behind the holiday to me, but frankly it sounded like a reimagining of the War of Sun and Moon. I knew we supposedly had proof that my fiancé was an alien from another dimension, but sometimes I wondered if maybe he really was just crazy.

Regardless, Guinness had decided to try and find Nova; with Valiant off in space doing who knows what, Nova was the only other human who might want to celebrate. I was all on my own for the whole day and apparently late into the night; Guinness had mentioned something about procuring fireworks. Pinkie and Sir Win had both been a ton of help planning the wedding, and there wasn’t anything that I could do about it today. For the first time in weeks, my schedule was clear. My foal hadn’t even dropped yet, so I still didn’t have to act like a gravid mare, although Doctor Practice warned me against my usual flying routine as soon as he realized that she was growing at an abnormal rate. He was worried what the sudden changes in g-forces might do to a filly growing that quickly.

I had a free and open schedule, but I found that there was nothing I actually wanted to do. The foal was physically draining, of course, that was expected. I was eating for two, with a high-energy diet Mal had recommended to me. Add the normal stresses of work and the wedding planning — now that I’ve really tried planning a big party, I have new respect for what Pinkie does on a regular basis — and I was just too exhausted to go out and do something in the little spare time I had all to myself. I was too stressed, too tired, and too worried about my immediate future.

I tried to remember any stories about what my mom did to deal with everything while carrying me, and I remembered her solution. It couldn’t hurt to try, right? Right.

* * *

I poked my nose into the poorly-lit shop — more of a tent, really. The single room was filled with shelves upon shelves of all kinds of strange objects, with more hanging from the canvas protecting the shop from the elements. There was no organization to anything, and most of the merchandise was unique; you couldn’t easily get multiple copies of something here. Strange metal contraptions, zebrican fetishes and curse dolls, unmarked liquids in sealed jars, animal parts and... body parts. Anything you wanted that wasn’t available in a market or by mail-order could probably be found here. I’m certain plenty of the merchandise was illegal, but shops like this one always popped up and the ponies who shopped there needed this or that scarce item more than they needed to report an unscrupulous pony to the guards. I mean, it’s not like the pony selling things like powdered unicorn horn was going out and digging up graves himself, right? Right.

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

“Hello?” I called out. My voice echoed back, despite the tight spaces and lack of any hard surface to echo from. Creepy. Maybe there was more than one reason guards never seemed to shut down places like this.

“How can I help you?” I totally didn’t shout and leap into the air when the pony appeared behind me. I looked him over: a dark brown earth pony with an ashen mane, his coloration made it difficult to determine his age. He wore a strap around his barrel with a pouch on one side; strange, you’d think a pair of saddlebags would be more convenient, and better-balanced. His cutie mark was a black cloak, but I decided it was better not to get into that kind of discussion.

“Shady Deals?” I asked, my voice still echoing slightly. It was probably a good idea to make sure I’d found the right pony before asking about the store’s merchandise.

“That depends on who is asking, doesn’t it?” His voice was husky, as if the sound itself was trying to hide its identity — his voice also didn’t echo in the slightest. I thought about his question for a minute. On one hoof, it was kind of philosophical. On the other hoof, for a pony who might be selling illegal merchandise, the question might just be practical.

“Uh,” I tried to remember what I was supposed to say. “I’m just looking for my Aunt Zaza.”

Shady Deals deflated a bit, almost disappointed. “Is that all?” His voice had risen at least an octave, too, although it still didn’t echo like mine was. I followed Shady to a mostly-clear counter at the back of the shop. He hunted around underneath it and dropped a small plastic bag of rainbow-colored powder onto the countertop. He sighed and rest his head on a hoof, looking bored. “Thirty bits. I swear, ever since the Crystal Ponies came back, nopony’s been interested in zap.” I hoofed over my bits and I didn’t question what he was talking about with the Crystal Ponies.

* * *

I really should’ve found somepony to help me learn about using zap. Alone, I was basically flying by night. My first try only got me a stinging pain in my nose and a nasty taste in the back of my mouth. My second try went a little better; I definitely felt more relaxed for a few minutes, but then everything went wrong. My breathing became heavy, and my stomach hurt. It was like my body wanted to toss my lunch, but simply couldn’t. I dashed to the bathroom and grabbed some painkillers and muscle relaxants from the medicine cabinet, then lay down on the cloud floor to wait for the medicine to do its work.

After an hour or so, the pain was gone and I felt perfectly fine again. Why would anypony pay so much money just to make themselves sick?

Try it again. ‘Third time’s the charm,’ as they say.

My mother took zap to deal with her stress while she was carrying me, so there must be something to it. The second try felt good for a few minutes, so maybe I just had to get used to it. One more try, I decided, would mark whether I kept the zap or trashed it.

The next thing I remember, the sun was setting and Guinness was shaking me, completely frantic.

“Hey, no need to get rough. Rough is for the bedroom,” I mumbled, still in a bit of a haze. I couldn’t figure out what had Guinness so upset, but I felt great. I felt like I’d taken three dozen naps all in a row. I was relaxed, rested, I had my stallion, and I didn’t have a care in the world.

Guinness seemed genuinely upset, though. He stopped shaking me when I talked, wrapping his hooves around me tight like I might fly away. Which was ridiculous; I’m the Element of Loyalty, I’d never abandon my fiancé like that.

“Oh Dash... I came home to get some snacks for the fireworks and you were out cold on the floor and you wouldn’t wake up and I thought I was gonna lose you and then I saw that weird rainbow crack and I thought you’d OD’d and DON’T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!” He kept shouting and hugging me and rambling on and on. I had to tune him out a bit to get my own thoughts together.

My mind was a little fuzzy, but eventually I managed to figure out everything Guinness was saying. “Wait,” I said. He stopped ranting to listen, “What did you do to my zap?”

“I dumped it in the sink and washed it away. Why would you ever think drugs would be a good idea, especially while pregnant?!”

“Awww, that stuff was expensive!” I was starting to lose that great feeling I’d had when I woke up.

“What was it, anyway? I’ve never seen a powder that could maintain a striated pattern even when disturbed.”

I leaned into my fiancé; if I couldn’t have zap to relax me, at least I could have a warm body and a welcoming embrace. “Zap. It comes from zap apples, which are some kind of weird magic fruit from the Everfree, although there’s probably more to zap than just powdered apple. There’s a zap apple grove at Sweet Apple Acres, but they pretty much only make zap apple jam, which does the same thing with the rainbow colors. No matter how you mix the jar or spread the jam, it’s still a rainbow.”

“And are you going to tell me why my pregnant fiancée was snorting lines of magic powdered apples?”

I shrugged deeper into his embrace. “I had a completely free schedule, I was feeling stressed, and I remembered hearing about how my mom used zap when she was carrying me to deal with the stress. I figured I turned out fine, so where was the harm in trying it?” I paused. “Although now that I think about it, Granny Smith puts a warning label on her zap apple jam. Something about pregnant and nursing mares.”

“You’re going to go see Doctor Practice tomorrow.”

“But I don’t have my appointment for another week...”

“That wasn’t a question, Dash. You’re going to see Doctor Practice tomorrow. You were knocked out cold by some magic drug, and you just admitted to seeing a warning label for food that comes from the same source. I don’t care how you feel right now; you’re getting checked out tomorrow, and the foal as well.”

I wanted to argue with him. I wanted to say that I was perfectly fine. Then he went and took the low blow by bringing my filly into it. Hurting myself by doing something stupid was one thing. Hurting my foal was an entirely different matter. Those four simple words took the fight right out of me, and I agreed to go see Mal first thing in the morning.

Ponyville General Hospital added a cloud wing shortly before my “revised” estimated due date, for pegasus patients who either needed or wanted treatment or recovery in a more natural environment. Although it was a little unorthodox, Twilight was more than willing to cast the cloud walking spell on Doctor Practice so that I could get a cloud room and still have my earth pony doctor.

I didn’t opt for the cloud room for any particular reason, but it seemed cool. Being a pegasus with a pegasus fiancé and a pegasus foal on the way meant foaling in a cloud was “traditional,” but more to the point cloud beds are more comfortable. From everything I’d been told since my foal dropped, I’d probably be laid up in bed for a long time, and I wanted to be able to relax.

Thankfully, my stupid stunt with the zap hadn’t harmed my filly, and it hadn’t done any lasting damage to me, either. Apparently the stuff was actually pretty dangerous, and when I told Mal that my mother had done it while she was carrying me, he’d been surprised I was even alive. Zap did a really good job at relaxing you, but it was really easy to take things too far, and the zap would put you to sleep forever. Thank Celestia for doctor-patient confidentiality; only Mal and Guinness would ever need to know how close I’d come to biting the dust. It may have been a waste of bits, but after talking with Doctor Practice, I was glad Guinness dumped the stuff.

* * *

I woke in the middle of the night to mild cramps around my barrel. Mal had told me what to expect as my abnormal foaling date approached, and he even said I should be able to control the duration the first part of my labor to some extent if I felt the need. Stage One, as Mal called it, was basically just my filly getting in position to be born.

Of course, when I woke up Guinness and told him, “I think I’ve just gone into labor,” his reaction was a little... eccentric.

“To the hospital, Batman!” he cried, as he lifted me bodily into the air and flew off out of our bedroom window. Another reference to human culture, I presumed, but what annoyed me was the assumption that I couldn’t fly under my own power. Sure, I looked like one of those luxury blimps used by the royals and the elite of Canterlot, but I could still fly... like one of those luxury blimps used by the royals and the elite of Canterlot...

I sighed and let Guinness have his fun. We were going to be married soon, and Rarity kept telling me that marriage was about compromises. I’d argue that marriage was about spending the rest of your life with somepony you love, but whatever. It was kinda nice to be off my wings — just for a little while.

Stage Two of my labor took a couple days to start. That hurt more than Mal’s hoof pushing up inside of me for the first time. And my filly wasn’t pulling her bucks like Mal did. In hindsight, I should have expected that; I was pushing a an entire foal through a tiny hole, rather than a single hoof.

I’m pretty sure everypony in Ponyville heard me screaming. I just hope they mistook the sound for an angry ursa major or something. Knowing that my own body would make me forget the pain later was not a comfort in the least.

Stage Three was basically my body cleaning up after itself, as far as I understood it, but all of that would happen on its own within a few hours. While waiting for that, I got to see my foal for the first time face-to-face.

“She’s beautiful,” I didn’t have much else I could say; I was more exhausted than a full day of Wonderbolts training exercises. Her coat was a light teal and her eyes were a brilliant gold.

“She certainly has your mane, Rainbow,” Doctor Practice smiled at me as he placed the filly in my bed at my side.

She stood immediately on her own and put her hooves on my side, pushing with all of her adorable strength. “Mother, why am I a filly? I was supposed to be a colt! Fix this right now! I’m supposed to have a black coat and a red mane. Tell me what you have done to me this instant! Fix it!”

So adorable. I nudged her with my nose towards my inflated teats. “Go on, I’m sure you’re hungry, little one.”

She dropped back to all fours. “I suppose I am hungry...” My daughter latched on to me and began sucking like her life depended on it.

Guinness returned — he could have been in the bathroom or he could have been single-hoofedly fighting a hydra for all I knew; the pain of the foaling blocked out most of my senses — to see his daughter’s first feeding. I assumed he would croon over his new filly, but instead he shouted and fell over much like his reaction to seeing the first ultrasound. “Gaaah...!”

“Are you okay, Mr. Guinness?” Mal helped my fiancé back to his hooves, but Guinness didn’t come any closer.

“The filly has fangs!”

“She’s got a pair of canines, yes, but that’s not unheard of. Why, my own father had a full set of four canines...” Mal started rambling a bit, but Guinness ignored him and continued to rant nonsense about my filly.

“She’s got slitted pupils! She’s radiating evil!”

“Oh, calm down, Guinness,” I said. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. When I found out I was pregnant, he was ready to give up going back to his own world entirely just to stay with his foal. Now he was completely freaking out and making up ridiculous nonsense. Guinness could be silly sometimes, but this was uncalled for. “You’re going to upset her. Now come and give us each a kiss.”

He got over whatever was wrong with him enough to cross the room and peck me on the lips. It took some glaring to get him to give his daughter a kiss on the top of her head, though.

When her father kissed her, my little filly stopped feeding long enough to look up at him. I silently wished for a camera to get a picture of my filly recognizing her father for the first time. “I don’t have any idea how you can recognize my nature unlike everypony else, father, but you should learn quickly that nopony else will believe your accusations. They all ignore the evidence right in front of their noses, and there’s nothing you can say that’s going to convince them.” She quickly returned to feeding.

“Bwaah! Did you hear that?” Guinness returned to his manic state with no provocation. “She talked! Her voice echoed with the cries of the damned!”

I rolled my eyes. “Guinness, your daughter is not a demon. Please stop, it’s not funny any more. She can’t talk, she’s not even a day old.”

Nurse Surprise brought in the paperwork for the birth certificate. Mal helped me fill it out, but filling out the “name” field was going to be difficult.

“What do you think, Guinness? What should her name be?”

My filly seemed to have her fill, and she curled up in the crook of my leg. “I have had many names over the centuries: The King in Yellow; He Who Walks Alongside; Taz; Talalot the Vile; Harbinger of the Fourth Syzygy. I will have many more names throughout the future. My favorite will perhaps be ‘Hey Assprick!’” My filly yawned wide and wiggled deeper into my barrel. Guinness stared at her, speechless. Now that was the kind of reaction a new father should be having, not some kind of fire-and-brimstone panic attack.

Of course, with a speechless father, the task of naming my filly fell onto my shoulders. I finished up the paperwork and hoofed it back to Mal, who left to give Guinness and me our privacy. Guinness still stood speechless, so I nuzzled the sleeping bundle at my side and whispered into her ear, “I love you so much... Rainbow Catcher...”

Author's Note

I have a new published work. First Day is a sidestory to the Vampire Cheerilee series, which is itself a spinoff of the Dreams series. It's almost related, in other words, and perhaps you'd like to check it out?

Hooves History (by maskedferret, Super_Big_Mac, and totallynotabrony)

Hooves History (by maskedferret, Super_Big_Mac, and totallynotabrony)

This started out as a comment-driven product between maskedferret and Super_Big_Mac. With me on board it only got nuttier.

Derpy set down her mailbag and groaned happily to herself as she looked about her small home. She could hear her daughter upstairs, more than likely practicing her magic. She sighed wistfully, almost sad knowing that her little muffin was growing up. It’s almost time to show her... The Album, isn’t it? Derpy thought with a shudder.

The Album, of course, was the family album with pictures and stories of all the Hooves who ever lived, and the family tree was as extensive as it was covered with vines. Vines were something that could be considered a disgrace in a family, because it was where relatives had children together, so the family tree didn’t branch out but instead crept down like the term it was named for.

Of course, it wasn’t their fault they were all inbred. That was Discord’s work through an ancient curse and a few other things that Derpy didn’t really understand, nor did she care to. Instead, she focused on the good... or, at least, what good she could find in her own family. Like her beloved daughter, Dinky.

Knowing that it was time for her to tell the story, Derpy started up the stairs. “Dinky,” she called out, “I need to speak with you about something!” There was a gasp, and then Dinky scampered out of her room, a look of worry on her face.

“Yes, mom? Is something wrong? I didn’t do anything I wasn’t supposed to, did I?”

Dinky was trembling as her mother lifted her into a warm embrace. “No, nothing like that, muffin. Mommy just needs to tell you a story...”

A crash came from Dinky’s room, and three other fillies sprawled out into the hallway. “What kind of story?” one of them asked from the bottom of their little pile-up.

“Oh, Sweetie? Mmm... Rarity’s sister, right?”

As the three caped crusaders righted themselves, the pale filly with the two-tone mane gave off a small salute. “That’s me!” She then pointed to her friends, and then at Dinky. “We were assigned to do a class project in groups of three or four, and we’d usually do it by ourselves, but nopony else was partnering up with Dinky, so we said we’d do it with her, too!”

Dinky’s cheeks colored slightly as she scuffed the ground. “They’ve been really helpful. It’s always been a struggle to try and explain how pegasus and earth pony magic works.”

Apple Bloom nodded her head rapidly. “A’yep! An’ with Dinky’s help, we finished it all in one day!” Her smile drooped a bit as she turned to the side. “She’s a whole bunch more organized than any o’ the three o’ us...”

Derpy couldn’t help but giggle; her little muffin was finally making more friends! Maybe having Amethyst help around the house had been a good idea, after all. “Well, if you’re all finished, then I can tell all of you the story.”

Scootaloo’s wings buzzed a little. “What kind of story?”

“It’s the story of the Hooves family tree, as detailed by... The Album.”

The four fillies gasped in amazement before pausing and looking at each other in confusion. “Waaaiit,” Apple Bloom drawled. “Why’d ya make it sound all ominous an’ the like?”

“Oh, because this story is one that’s full of amazing adventure, terrible tragedies, lamented loses, copulating cousins, malicious mysteries, and heinous hexes.” Derpy said matter of factly, turning to go back down the stairs.

The fillies all gasped again, turning to look at each other with wide eyes. “Did y’all hear that, girls?!”

Scootaloo jumped into the air. “Hay yeah, I did! Adventure! Mystery! Hexes!” Suddenly looking confused, she turned to look at her other friend. “Sweetie, what are hexes?”

“Hexes are a type of magic that are considered evil, because they are used to curse others, or make them do things against their will.” Sweetie answered with a sigh, having accepted that she was the dictionary of the group.

Scootaloo made an excited squealing noise. “You what we need to do, girls?!”

“Yeah!” Came her enthusiastic reply.

“We need to help Derpy and Dinky solve the mysteries of their family!”

“YEAH!”

“We need to get Valiant’s voice recorder thingy, bring it over here, and make sure to record the whole story so we can take notes and figure out how to proceed!”

“Wow, Scoots, that’s well thought out for one of your plans,” Applebloom said with a grin.

“Oh, can it, Apple Bloom, I can do thinking well! Anyways,” she said to refocus her friends. “We’re gonna solve all the mysteries, figure out all the secrets, and study all the hexes we come across, because we’re the--”

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, HOOVES’ HISTORY MYSTERY BUSTERS, YAAAY!!!”

Half a snack tray and an hour later, the CMC and Dinky were gathered around me in the living room. I kept one eye on the tape recorder held in Sweetie’s magical aura and the other on the pencil and notepad the Crusaders were going to use to keep notes.

“Okay you three, you got permission to stay the night from your families, right?” I asked. The Tumultuous Trio nodded as one, eager to get started. Dinky was looking just as excited as they were.

“We’re ready, Miss Hooves!” Sweetie squeaked out, her voice cracking and the tape recorder bobbing in the aura of her magic. Her two friends nodded their heads eagerly.

I chuckled. “Please, just call me Derpy. If you really want to get formal, then go ahead and call me Derpricilla Goldendove Cordenblanc Hooves.”

Sweetie’s jaw worked for a second as she silently mouthed out the name, before shaking her head. “Derpy it is, then!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo just looked at each other in bemusement before Apple Bloom shrugged and dutifully wrote it down.

I pulled a rather tattered book with a faded cover out from behind the living room’s small bookshelf, dropping it to the coffee table with a thud disproportionate to its size.

“Woah,” Scootaloo muttered with surprise, scribbling down a few notes.

"This is The Album in all its glory," I apologized. It was a rather sad, ancient-looking book. I could tell the girls were less than impressed and I couldn’t blame them. From it’s worn corners to the misaligned pages and photos poking out from beneath the dark green cover with the faded blue words “Hooves Family Tree: Derpy Hooves copy” in a plain font.

"An' ya say yer entire family's history is in that little ol' book? The Apple Family's history spans almost forty volumes that size, an' even Ah know the Hooves Family has been 'round longer!" Apple Bloom looked at the tome with interest, her eyes wide as if trying to see the entire thing all at once. Scootaloo had been looking at it with boredom until she heard Apple bloom’s comment and now had perked up and was reaching out a hoof curiously.

"It's a magic book, isn't it?" asked Sweetie Belle, her eyes shining in excitement. Dinky look at the book with awe, probably wondering how an ordinary-looking book could have magic.

My right eye flicked over in her direction, while lefty trailed down towards the book itself. "That's right, Sweetie. This book was given to my ancestors by Princess Celestia back when Discord was defeated the first time.”

All four of the fillies sputtered in surprise. Scootaloo managed to work through her astonishment first. “Wha..were your ancestors there?”

Dinky looked at me in shock at the news and put a hoof on my leg.

“Is...is that why we’re...different Momma?” She asked me nervously “Does that mean we might get put in stone too someday? ”

“Oh my muffin!” I scooped her into my forelegs and hugged her tightly. “No, not at all! Princess Celestia knows about our family and has helped us. That’s why we have this magic book. It tells us all about the whole family and helps us keep in touch.”

I opened the book to the first page. “Here, let me show you how it all began.”The four fillies crowded around to look at the book’s interior.

“... It’s blank,” Apple Bloom said with a frown.

I smiled at her gently. “That’s because we haven’t chosen a life to read about yet,” I said. A moment later, a small, glowing orb floated off of the book’s page and began growing and changing, until it resembled a large weeping willow tree. I looked at the very first name listed among the branches, the first of our ancestors to have the family curse. “Mama Hooves, born Magenta Mango Hooves in the year 304, Chaotic Era.” The light around her name brightened as the others dimmed, and the tree shrank back into an orb and splattered itself onto the book’s open page. The glow dissipated as dark scrawlings began to materialize on the pages.

“Wooooaaaah!” Scootaloo fluttered above the rest of us as much as her developing wings would allow, eyeing the book. “There’s writing on it now!”

“Yes, but... That’s not ink...” Sweetie turned to me with a puzzled frown. “That wasn’t ink, was it, Derpy? It was too.... brown.”

“You’re right, Sweetie. It’s blood.” As the four fillies shared a collective gulp, I scanned the first few paragraphs on the page. I always hated how the macabre text caused my right eye to quake with fright; it wasn’t helpful, especially with how the left would always roll itself in frustration at its partner being chicken.

“Ahhh, that’s better,” I mumbled quietly as my brain finally registered what the words were saying. My eyes were aligned, and the words clear. “Alrighty you four, here’s the story of how this all began...”

*~*~*~*

Magenta was walking through her small garden, looking at the crops she was growing: Candycorn stalks, floodmelons, chocolate beansprouts, and iced tea tangerines. She looked at her garden, and sighed. ‘I wish I could do something other than stand here, watching as my work goes to waste on those unicorn pigs up the lane.’

There was rarely enough food to supply even Magenta herself, and whatever money she would get in payment for her crops was taken in mere moments by the same ponies, for a tax even she could see was as false as the unicorns’ pretense of superiority. She might live in the same town as them, she may even walk the same streets, but many of the lower ranked ponies still saw fit to torment their neighbors even though the leaders of the three tribes had settled their differences long ago.

But “Mama,” as the children of the street had taken to calling her, was not unjust like her neighbors. No, she was a Hooves, and like how her family name spanned all three tribes, so did the warmth of her love. No, it was only those that treated her with contempt that riled her so, and yet she did nothing, for there was nothing to be done. Thankfully not all ponies saw fit to ignore those who were different and some did work together in harmony as the founders wanted.

A soft knock came from the garden gate, and she looked up with a smile. “Ahh, Tipsy! It’s wonderful to see you this morn.”

Her pegasus relative nodded as he stumbled through the gate, obviously having already dove into the mead that morning. Magenta asked, “Are you quite alright, dearie? You look as though you could use a rest.”

Tipsy, for his part, managed to stay on his hooves as he came up beside his first cousin. “W-well, Iiiiiunno if I wunna ‘ntrude, on yer hawsp’tality.” His words were slurred, and he wavered unsteadily as he looked off to Magenta’s right.

Magenta nudged Tipsy towards her small shanty-like cottage. “No no, I must insist! You are in no condition to go anywhere but straight to a bed! If you’re feeling ill, I’ll fetch you a bucket; make your mess in there. I can always use the fertilizer.”

Tipsy nodded his thanks as he settled down on a small bed of hay. Around him were a few young foals, all barely old enough to have gotten cutie marks. In addition, in a corner far away from any doors or windows, was a young pegasus colt who was missing most of his feathers. An older filly was curled up next to him, a wing laid atop him gently. Tipsy took it all in. “Wasswit’ all duh kidsh, cuz?”

“They’re orphans, Tipsy. I’ve told you that the last five times you were here.” Magenta sighed softly, smiling sadly at the kids spread about the room. “I let them sleep here, if they can’t find a warm place elsewhere, and I host them for much of the winter months. It’s the least I can do for them. Not many others in this city seem to think they deserve the chance.”

Tipsy laughed weakly at that, adjusting himself on the small pile of hay. “You’ve got a big heart, Maggie. Helpin’ the lost, the hungry, an’ the foolish. Like them...” He gestured to a small group of unicorns looking at them quietly, “...and me. I’d prolly be dead without yer help all th’ time.”

Magenta smilled at her cousin’s words; it wasn’t the first time he’d ever said it, but for him he probably thought it was. No matter that, she felt in her heart that Tipsy spoke them like the truth. She grinned wryly. “That’s kind of you to say, gentle Sir Tip; captain of the Flying Spears.”

“Ex-captain, lass. I’ve not been ‘Spear-Tip Stryker’ in years now, heh heh... Now I’m jussht Tipsy, the flyin’ drunk. Ha! An’ proud of it.” So saying, Tipsy stretched himself out and relaxed. “Now, go on back to your life, an’ I’ll stay here n’ sleep off th’ night’s drinks. May Hurricane lift your wings...”

Magenta’s smile brightened further as she gave a small bow and finished the now old saying. “... And let there always be enough pudding to feed your family, heehee.” They both left out the unicorn’s part in the saying, as neither would benefit from the blessing other than to cause further laughter.

The children, roused from their slumber by Magenta and Tipsy’s conversing, began to make their way outside and into the garden. A small earth pony colt with a ragged bandage covering one eye and what was left of his ear came up to Magenta and nuzzled her foreleg. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mama Hooves! Well, if I need another place to sleep, that is.”

“See you then, Shilling Stinker; may your day be warm and the rubbish aplenty,” she said with a giggle as the young colt trotted out the door. He was one of very few orphans with a cutie mark, and his was a few grime-covered coins reminiscent of those he’d dug out of a sewage ditch the day he got it.

“Ha, that lad’ll grow up to be a great stallion, lemme tell ya, Maggie. Kid’s got manners.” Mama nodded at Tipsy’s words as she trotted towards the small window, pulling the blinds shut.

“I’ll be back with a bucket soon, alright? In the meantime, you get your rest.” It took Mama barely five minutes before she returned with a bucket that didn’t have legs, and she found Tipsy curled around the two younger pegasi, his wings stretched out over the both of them protectively.

Mama smiled at the tender scene before frowning pensively. She knew that her small cottage did not share her heart’s ability to hold all those who needed her help. Nor did her garden, she thought wryly, glancing back out the still open door at the plants basking in the sun. If only the city would help her! She knew they had more than enough money to help her build more space to house the city’s orphans.

She sighed and gently placed the bucket near Tipsy so he could find it when he would inevitably need it. She nuzzled him before gently tugging a blanket over the small group and turning to see a hoofful of foals peeping round the door inquisitively, ears flicking nervously as they waited for her to come outside.

“Alright, alright, little ones, I’m coming,” She chuckled softly as they all perked up and backed away from the door to allow her access, “I had to make sure your brothers and sisters were okay before we could start today’s chores.”

Mama Hooves sat down on a small open area, the foals taking their seats in a semi-circle around her. "Now, for the unicorns who still need practice with their telekinesis, you can use the licorice shoots. Those who need a bit of a challenge, that ghastly poison joke is beginning to creep into the crabby cabbage patch, and they're plenty annoying without being affected by that dreadful jester. If you finish your lessons, then you can come back and ask me, I'll have something else you could do, I'm sure."

As the unicorn colts and fillies set off to find the plants they were asked to take care of, the few pegasi gathered round to get their assignments. "Now, those of you who feel they're ready can gather some of the cotton candy clouds and bring them to the candycorn stalks, the cloud milk is needed to satiate their thirst. For the young'uns, when the others are done milking, please ring out the rest of the milk into the trough. Once snack time comes 'round, you all can have some cloud and milk, and if I can buy some, bread. Earth ponies, follow me. We'll be ditch jumpin' today."

With the work divvied up for the morning, Mama got to her hooves, the group of earth ponies following after. They trotted through the streets of Trottingham, stopping every now and again to sift through the debris and sewage sitting in the ditches, looking for anything that might be salvageable. Ponies that passed by looked away in disgust and disdain, some muttering about the filth crawling amongst itself.

Mama Hooves kept a calm outward appearance, but inside she seethed with unrealized anger. She had tried numerous times to get the city’s council to set up an orphanage, but belaying the fact that there was a greater number of pegasi than unicorns, and more unicorns than earth ponies, none of the three groups would do so. The earth ponies wouldn’t supply the labor without help from the pegasi. The pegasi wouldn’t help the earth ponies without the unicorns paying for the building, and the unicorns just wouldn’t have anything to do with it.

“Mama Hooves, Mama Hooves, look what I found!” A filly hopped over, a small bowl balanced on her head, her face covered in a huge smile.

“Oh my, what’ve you got in there, dear?”

The filly pranced in place as she upended the bowl, revealing a few small red plants with leaves that seemed to be blowing raspberries. “I remembered you told us all about the healing herbs and so I was looking around and I found a whole bunch of spit and polish plants! Now you can grow them in your garden for whenever we get the pony pox or chaos sneezes!”

*~*~*~*

“Uh, yeah,” Scootaloo interrupted. “I know a story is usually begun at, well, at the beginning, but could you skip to the good part?”

“Yeah,” Sweetie Belle agreed. “How are we supposed to get our cutie marks quick if we have to listen to all the plot buildup? Just give us the climax of the story, please.”

I looked at the two of them, my eyes finding each as they sat on opposite ends of the couch. “Well, I suppose we could skip ahead.”

The pages of the magic book glowed as I perused Mama Hooves’ story until we came to the good part. I cleared my throat and began again.

*~*~*~*

So there they were before Discord, powerful magic spells flying through the air thicker than raindrops in a thunderstorm. Mama cried out as she dove beneath the slinging magic, searching in vain for her paperwork.

The forms and applications were the result of her efforts to get the city to approve the building of a public orphanage. She had been rebuffed so often that desperation had gotten the better of her. When Discord made Mama an offer, it had been impossible for her to resist.

And now she was caught in the middle of a street battle between Discord and the Princesses.

The offer seemed too good to be true, and that had turned out to be the case. The orphanage had been thoroughly worked over by chaos, and tears came to Mama’s eyes as she thought of it.

But that was nothing compared to what happened next. A hurricane gust of wind caused by the raging battle threw her sideways to land beneath a slowly-crumbling building. As the walls gave way and came tumbling down, Mama thought she was a goner.

While Discord might have been a troublemaker and kind of a dick, he was not a murderer. He and both the princesses simultaneously tried to save Mama’s life and their combined powers met in an incredibly powerful display right on top of her.

The experience was jarring, to say the least. When Mama woke up, Discord had already been contained and the two princesses were leaning over her.

“What happened?” Mama asked.

“You are incredibly lucky to still be in one piece,” Celestia advised. “However, there were some...side effects.”

Mama gulped. “Like what?”

“Hyperfertility, the most powerful form of chaos,” Luna replied.

“I...don’t understand.” Mama frowned.

“It’s a selective kind of magic,” Celestia explained. “In your case, dealing with so many children already, it resulted in the means to produce many more.”

“Can’t you do something?” Mama pleaded.

“We already have taken measures to mitigate this,” Luna told her. “We’ve limited the effectiveness of the curse.”

“What are the limits?”

Both princesses looked embarrassed and Celestia replied, “It doesn’t apply to first cousin pairings.”

Mama stared in disbelief. “So...my cousin is the only one who won’t get me hyperpregnant?”

“But on the bright side,” said Luna, “You’ve already started on that. Do you remember when you and Tipsy got drunk the last time?”

*~*~*~*

The foals all stared at me, wide-eyed. None, however were more astonished than Dinky. I couldn’t blame her. She stammered, “So my dad is also my uncle?”

I sighed. “Yes, unfortunately. This terrible curse has led to nopony in our family ever leading a normal life.

Dinkie eyed my eyes and asked, “What are some examples?”

I flipped a few pages. “Well, there’s Shifty Hooves, who had kleptomania so severe that it was actually his cutie mark.”

The fillies on the couch looked at each other as if they were a little underwhelmed. I went on. “There was Flimsy and Strong Hooves, a pair of unicorn wonder twins who died teleporting into a wall.”

I paused to collect myself. Why had their father put a plaque under their heads? I focused on more happy things. “They were given a posthumous award for advancing research on spontaneous teleportation issues.”

I kept reading. “There was Scaredy, who was always afraid of her brother shoving her into lava right up until the day she died that way. Sticky, who was very aptly named. Maxwell, who beat his mother to death with a silver hammer.”

“So everything in my life is just going to be bad luck and disappointment?” Dinky said, looking like she was on the verge of tears.

“Now muffin, that’s not what I was trying to tell you at all. You can do anything you want with your life. For example, Tender Hooves decided he didn’t want to be a doctor anymore, so he changed his name to Stabby and is currently robbing trains out west.”

I frowned. “Okay, that was a bad example, but trust me when I say that you shouldn’t let your family hold you back from anything.”

“Yeah, look at Valiant and his daughter Trixie!” Apple Bloom said. “He’s an extraterrestrial that just doesn’t care and she’s a radioactive spiderpony.”

That was an even worse example and I quickly tried to steer the conversation away with a distraction. “So, who wants muffins?”

Moon Base

“Valiant, where would you like to live?”

I looked up from my book, to Sunset Shimmer, who had asked the question.

I shrugged. “I guess I never really thought about it. I go where I want when the inspiration strikes.”

“Have you thought about our future?” she asked.

“I think about the future a lot. That’s basically all I do. I kind of have to when I’m trying to save the universe.”

“I mean after that,” she said. “Where do you want to settle down?”

What I would do after all the universe-saving was something I hadn’t considered. I was kind of sort of committed to this Equestria thing now. Defeating all the coming enemies, finding a way to remove the crystal meth in the water supply, restoring order so crazy shit didn’t keep happening…what happened afterwards if I managed to do all that?

Er,when I managed it. Self-confidence had always been one of my greatest strengths.

“That’s a good question,” I said in response to Sunset. “Where do you think I should go?”

“Well, maybe somewhere scenic,” she suggested. She smiled. “Somewhere private.”

I nodded. “Yes, I like those things.”

A wisp of an idea came to me. “I wonder what I could get from the Princesses as a reward for saving the universe. I would be in a position to demand something big.”

“They would be in debt to you,” agreed Sunset.

“A big damn debt,” I added. “Big enough that I could be set up with an awesome pad in a radical location forever.”

“Also built with defenses and fortifications to ensure that enemies would never be a problem again?” asked Sunset hopefully.

“Hell no. If I’ve done everything right, there won’t be any enemies of mine left.” I paused. “Although you can never count on new ones not showing up, especially if we’re talking on a ‘forever after’ timeframe. I might as well make it an honest-to-God base instead of a semipermanant vacation home. Thanks for the idea.”

Sunset smiled. I continued to ponder. Hmm, somewhere scenic and private that I could convince the Princesses to give me and would also be able to defend from all possible enemies.

Inspiration struck. “I’ve got it! I’ll tell the Princesses that I want…the moon!”

Sunset’s mouth dropped open. “Can you do that?”

I shrugged. “That gives me bargaining room. I doubt they’ll give me the whole moon, but if I set the initial demand high, I can negotiate down. I’ll settle for just the dark side.”

Sunset looked like she wanted to ask if I was serious. However, Sunset was a smart mare who had hung around me long enough to know just how goddamned serious I was. Instead, she asked, “How can I help?”

“Help me start designing a moon base,” I said.

“We’ll need life support,” she noted. “Maybe I can rig up something magical and perpetual.”

“That would probably be easier and more energy efficient,” I commented.

“Thick walls, underground structures, heavy weapons?”

“Those are a given for a heavy fortification.”

“Maybe we can throw in towers and parapets?” she asked. “For a nice castle feel. It has to look good.”

“I like that idea.”

“Laser turrets?”

“Of course!”

We kept building ideas. Sunset kept track of them and noted what resources would be required. Things were taking shape and it was going to be the most awesome space castle fortress of solitude ever. Better yet, I had already started to plan what it would take to get it built. All I needed was the power of an alicorn. Getting one of them to do it shouldn’t be difficult – I’d extorted them all in the past.

“This is the greatest idea I’ve ever had,” I said, grinning gleefully at the blueprints we had just drawn up.

Sunset smiled. “I love it.”

The Rise and Fall of Turboslut

What would eventually become known to some as The Battle of Everything Ever started innocuously. Sure, there was the crystal meth and the crazy wacked-out things that were already happening, but the first true attack came from a now forgotten foe who was fought clandestinely by a small group who only wanted to do the right thing for those that they loved.

It all started with a mare.

Who was a slut.

Pimpin' ain't easy, as the old saying goes, and a prostitute having to do it herself certainly understands the difficulty. Particularly when said mare was located in the notoriously uptight Crystal Empire that still practiced turn of the millennia ways of chaste and cautious relationships.

Still, there was a bright side. Or as bright as it could be when the bright side was meth.

The so-called Crystal meth Empire had begun as a joke but soon went on to create all kinds of havoc with the residents who actually had to deal with the results of living in a citystate made entirely of drugs. Even still, most of them didn't notice.

The unfortunate few, who included the aforementioned prostitute, got a little strange, as you may expect from methamphetamine-muddled mares.

None ended up quite so bad as our stated slut. Jesus Christ, what a psycho. The meth did something to her brain, unlocking the full potential or probably just raising the pain tolerance and lowering the sanity. She got messed up.

And so, the moment you've all been waiting for, she became the Turboslut. Capable of extreme feats of sexual nature, money-grubbing, and general insanity. The rest can be left to the imagination, because goddamnit, we aren't going there.

This was all completely unknown to Sunset Shimmer as she and the ponies she traveled with arrived in the Crystal Empire for the Equestria Games. In fact, Sunset would have carried on being blissfully unaware if it hadn't been for the trunkful of shiny objects that had been brought with the luggage.

Sunset was not really sure what they were – a spool of thread, a Wonderbolts pin, etc. – but they seemed to hold value to Valiant. He'd asked her to watch them before departing to go warmup for the games.

Sunset wouldn't miss watching him compete once the events began. Being supportive and cheering was a basic foundation of friendship, or so she supposed. Valiant was the one pony who she deeply wanted to be better acquainted with.

She was sitting in the hotel room they had gotten and thinking of Valiant when the Turboslut arrived.

There was little warning. The hotel room with its solid crystal walls seemed secure enough, but a supercharged meth-addicted hooker is no small force to trifle with. The window blew out with a scattering of shards and Sunset instinctively ducked for cover.

The terror that appeared in the room was one of the last things Sunset was expecting or wanted to see. She was a crystal pony, although hyper-sexualized and clearly baring all. She was ridiculously proportioned: not beautiful, but slutty. Certain parts of her anatomy better left to the imagination were exaggerated beyond what should have been possible, but definitely beyond what was good taste. Damn. Daaaaaamn.

Sunset stared her down and demanded, “Who are you?”

The mare pranced forward, her energetic stride also wiggling much more than needed for locomotion. Although, technically, it depends on what specific kind of locomotion. If you know what I mean.

She fixed Sunset with a look that was equal parts depravity, insanity, and sexuality. “I am the Turboslut, for I speak between your knees. I do everything, everything fast and I get my way with these.” She made rather lewd caresses to parts of her body which we won't describe.

Sunset stared at her. What would Valiant do in this situation? Well, not get turned on, for starters. She knew from experience that he was extremely difficult to sexually entice. However, then what would he do? Perhaps demand to know more about the situation. Maybe even escalate to violence.

Sunset took a stance, ready to move if she needed to. She also tried to avoid letting her eyes wander. “What do you want? And what’s wrong with you?”

“Oh honey, I’m here for you. I want you. And your money. And your stuff. And your friends. And your life. And, oh, everything.” The Turboslut grinned wider. “Come to mama.”

And she pounced. Sunset was only just able to get a magic force field up while dodging out of the way. It was barely enough to deflect her opponent, but it bought Sunset enough time to escape the first swift, erotic attack. Turboslut certainly lived up to her name – turbo and slut.

Across the room, Sunset braced for another attack. Her horn glowed with ready magic. She barely had time to meet the next charge; Turboslut moved like greased lightning – perhaps literally. Fighting a hyperactive whore is never in anyone’s best interest and Sunset began powering up for an attack that would put her opponent down and out of action.

Before she could deliver the blow, Turboslut’s eyes fell on the small case of things Valiant had brought along. Grinning lustily, she snatched it up and zoomed back out the window. Sunset’s shot of magic went wide and missed.

The door opened and Trixie stuck her head in. “What’s the noise all about?” She paused, sniffing. “And why does it smell like sex in here?”

Sunset explained. As well as she could, anyway. It wasn’t easy to describe the kind of wired wench who would break in through a fifth floor window, initiate a fight, and then leave.

“A drug-fueled, superfast superfloozy is one thing, but-” Trixie walked to the broken window and looked down “-how did she even get up here?”

“Regardless, we have to get those things back!” Sunset exclaimed. “Valiant told me to keep an eye on them!”

“This sounds like the kind of thing he would deal with,” Trixie noted. “Weird stuff is right up his alley. We should get him.”

Sunset shook her head vigorously. “No, I don’t want to distract him during the Games. Besides, I feel like he would want me to learn how to take care of situations like this on my own.”

Trixie considered that. “I suppose.” She grinned. “You’d do anything for his attention, huh?”

Sunset’s face went red, her face nearly matching her mane. “I just…”

“It’s okay.” Trixie put a hoof on her shoulder. “I know Valiant does think of you as a friend. I want to see him happy. But we both know that nopony can just tell him things. He’ll have to eventually realize the feelings you have for him. I can help you show him that you care.”

Sunset smiled. “Thank you.” She glanced at the window and took a breath, squaring her shoulders. “Let’s do this.”

The two of them quickly packed any useful gear to take along. Sunset grabbed up Valiant’s switchblade, which he had left behind to facilitate going through security to enter the Games. She and Trixie went downstairs, exiting the hotel and pausing outside.

It was fairly easy to track which way Turboslut had gone. The red faces of embarrassed citizens marked her path. It seemed that she did not discriminate who she flashed with her unmentionables.

Sunset and Trixie took off at a gallop. Up ahead, they could hear the vile and virile prostitutions of their target. It varied from prices and services offered – which were low and everything, respectively (but not respectfully) – all the way up to incredibly public displays of graphic affection.

Trixie looked uncomfortable. Sunset thought that her own expression probably looked the same way. Trixie, she knew, was not adverse to hooking up with mares, and hopefully Turboslut did not possess some unnatural method of seduction. So they didn’t have to find out, it was all the more important to find her and stop her as quickly as possible.

There must have been some shred of street smarts left in Turboslut’s brain, as she headed for the palace in the center of the city. The royals, along with their guard, were at the Games and the tall, fancy building was practically unoccupied.

Having now resorted to trespassing for a second time, it was safe to say that the authorities would be very interested to get their hooves on Turboslut. What a bitch, going places she didn't belong and taking things that weren't hers.

The hooker raced inside the castle, doggedly pursued by Trixie and Sunset. Both unicorns fired bolts of magic after her, although Turboslut had quite a bit of lead on them and the range was simply too great for a perfectly aimed shot from a gallop.

Chunks of crystal were blown from the walls where the spells missed. Turboslut sashayed around them and kept going, lifting her tail. She may have done it to taunt her pursuers, but honestly probably just because it was in her nature.

Sunset was panting hard, having run halfway across the citystate that was the Crystal Empire. She lined up another shot and fired a blast of magic that nearly hit Turboslut. In fact, it passed so closely that it caused the whore to reflexively take the next passage cutoff. The new route led straight towards the basement.

Feeling more confident now that they might have their target cornered, Trixie and Sunset advanced more cautiously.

“I heard about this place,” Trixie said, looking around at the basement chamber they entered. “Valiant described it when he talked about punchsploding King Sombra. The Empire was grateful.”

“That was a really nice statue that the crystal ponies decided to put up,” Sunset agreed.

“I just wish they hadn't been so drug addled and gotten confused as to who it honored,” Trixie said.

“And they didn't even depict King Sombra before he got punchsploded. ”

“All in all, he wasn't even that great of a bad guy or even a distraction for a real villain.”

“It was still a really nice statue.”

“True.”

They turned their attention to locating Turboslut, who seemed to have disappeared down a set of spiral stairs into a dark pit. From the bottom, green and purple motes of light began to flash.

Trixie and Sunset had just taken their first steps down the stairs when Turboslut levitated out of the pit, dark magic and evil radiating from her body, among other things. Things that will not be talked about. Use your imagination, pervert.

“Well shit,” Trixie and Sunset said in harmony, echoing a Valiant-ism. Truth be told, the comment seemed to fit the situation pretty well. An already superpowered, drug-fueled prostitute had just gained the evil magic of the Crystal Empire’s most notorious villain. King Sombra may have been thoroughly dead, but apparently his source of power had hung around.

Turboslut threw back her head and laughed. Her body hung in midair, legs and other things splayed. “I’ve never felt so good in my life! Everything is mine for the taking!” She grinned and winked. “Unless you’d like to pretend to be the dominant one this round. Either way, prepare your asshole.”

Sunset gritted her teeth and stepped as close to the edge of the pit as she could. “You might be into rape, but I’ll kill you.”

Turboslut raised an eyebrow. “If that’s how you want it, honey.”

“You don’t understand,” Sunset protested. “You want personal pleasure and gain. I just want to do help the stallion I love.” She gestured to the box that Turboslut held. “I want to see him succeed and I am more than willing to murder you to just to give him an easier time of it.”

Trixie, although she had suspected Sunset’s attitude for a while, was nonetheless impressed by the admission. It was insane, of course, but it was also touchingly devoted. Turboslut versus Sunset – supercharged lust versus homicidal love.

And then it began. The event would, if recorded to video, be traded for large sums of money in dark alleys by shady figures under assumed names. It was X-rated as hell.

Turboslut fired bursts of dark magic, the spells bubbling up wherever they hit and giving off odors that need not be described here. Sunset had surrounded herself with the blue glow of her magic force field, keeping her own personal air supply close and fending off attacks. Her attention was focused like a laser on Turboslut, working on getting through her attacks to kill her.

Powered by dark magic, Turboslut hovered around the basement chamber, giggling and continuing to fling bolts of passion-charged magic. Sunset was able to dodge some and deflect others, but she couldn’t keep this up for too long. She didn’t want to delay the moment.

Hooves above the floor, Turboslut spun through the air, her body held upright and on full display. Her movement forced Sunset to keep turning in place and to keep looking at her.

Trying to avoid staring, hating herself for even noticing, Sunset launched wave after wave of her own attacks. Some met Turboslut’s in midair. The flying prostitute was able to sensually contort her body to dodge the rest.

“I’m getting so bored of this teasing,” Turboslut sang out. “Won’t you come closer? Touch me.”

“Why don’t you come to me?” Sunset snarled.

Turboslut grinned. “Oh, is that how it’s going to be? Here I come, lover!”

She suddenly flashed forward, diving at Sunset hindquarters first. There was no room to maneuver and all Sunset could do was jerk backwards, rearing up. Turboslut’s hind legs closed around Sunset’s head, sealing the two of them together in the tightest, most intimate embrace either had ever experienced.

“Ohhhh,” Turboslut moaned, her eyes rolling back as she balanced in midair. “Oh, I’ve never felt so good.”

Sunset stumbled beneath her, balancing on just her back legs, face full of something she’d never seen up close before and her horn – well, she didn’t want to think about where her horn was right now.

This would be, undoubtedly, the most humiliating way to lose a fight. Especially to a magical whore. What would Valiant think?

No, Sunset thought, what would Valiant do?

“I’m over you!” Sunset roared, gathering as much magic as she could muster for a tight, hot blast. There was a bright flash of light and Turboslut suddenly departed.

There was surprise on the hooker’s face as she was tossed through the air by the eruption. She reached the apex of her flight and came back down, heading directly for the pit in the middle of the floor. Sunset leaped after her, intercepting Turboslut as she started down the hole.

“So you like it on top?” Turboslut asked with a weak smile as Sunset grabbed her by the throat.

Sunset’s other hoof held the borrowed switchblade, and she flicked it open, the blade sliding out to full extension. She stared Turboslut in the eyes. “Go screw yourself.”

As the two of them hit bottom, Sunset put all her weight behind the knife, burying it in Turboslut’s chest as she slammed into the hard stone floor. Cushioned by the other mare’s body, Sunset was unharmed.

Turboslut gasped, blood running from every orifice and a few more that had just been created. Body twitching, she took her last breath and whispered, “Not the penetration I was looking for.”

Sunset got up, wiping blood off the knife but not bothering with everything else that covered the rest of her. She marched up the spiral staircase to the top of the pit.

Trixie was there, eyes still wide at the battle she had witnessed. “Wow, that was…really hot.”

Sunset glared at her. “Don’t make me cut another bitch.”

MEANWHILE

The six friends hung out.

MEANWHILE

Upstairs, in the library, six more friends hung out. Fewer chains were involved.

“We should travel through that special mirror in the Crystal Empire to the human world and start a band,” Rainbow Dash suggested.

“No, that’s stupid,” declared Twilight.

“You don’t like the idea of having a band?” Rarity asked.

“No, the Crystal Empire was destroyed when Tirek got loose,” Applejack reminded the group.

“I didn’t really want to get turned into a human anyway,” murmured Fluttershy.

“Yeah, plus Valiant was the only one who could really play rock out,” said Pinkie. “So what do we do instead?”

“We should have a superhero team!” Spike shouted, bursting into the library and startling the six mares.

Twilight was about to repeat her earlier comment, but Spike went on. “I mean, we solve all these mysteries and stop all these bad guys anyway. This library is like a headquarters already. I’m sure Rarity has considered this before just for the costume aspect. We just got this cool new rainbow power stuff when we fought Tirek. We even have a secret lockup in the basement.”

Twilight shuddered as she remembered the six mares still chained on the level below. “We aren’t going to lock anypony up.”

“So we’ll just leave bad guys in front of the police station when we catch them.” Spike shrugged. “Come on, how bad could it be?”

Everyone winced, even Spike, as he realized what he had said. They didn’t use that phrase anymore, not after Valiant.

MEANWHILE

School was in session that morning. Foals crowded the desks in the classroom.

“Class, this is Cordoba, our new student,” Cheerilee said, gesturing to the young filly beside her at the front of the room.

At the opposite end of the classroom, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were paying only slight attention.

“What’re we going to do to get cutie marks?” Apple Bloom whispered. This was the standard conversation starter any time she and her friends were bored.

“This time?” Scootaloo whispered back. “Dunno.”

“Me neither,” Sweetie Belle added. Nobody had really seemed to care that she was a ninja and she had recently returned to school.

Cheerilee raised her voice, likely overhearing the three fillies. “It is customary for new students to introduce themselves.”

The new filly hesitantly began, stumbling through a few heavily accented words.

Apple Bloom cocked an ear. “Where does she come from?”

“It doesn’t sound like a French accent,” Sweetie Belle said. “If Valiant were here, he would know.”

“We could try to find out,” Scootaloo suggested.

“Cutie Mark Crusader language figure-outers!” Apple Bloom declared.

“Linguists,” said Sweetie. “The word you’re looking for is linguists.”

“Her primary language is Spanish,” Cheerilee said. “Which you would know if you were actually paying attention.”

It was too late. The Crusaders were already out the door. “To the library to get linguist books!”

Cheerilee let them go. This was not a huge problem for her. Things had been much quieter since Valiant had left.

MEANWHILE

Guinness sat in front of the high chair doing his best to get the foal to eat. He muttered explicatives under his breath. Rainbow Catcher was literally a devil of a child, but at least she had been enthusiastic about food. This kid, on the other hand, was almost as troublesome as Valiant. Almost. At least Valiant had gotten Guinness a new one, just like he promised.

MEANWHILE

IN MILWAUKEE

A fist smashed out a few teeth from the geologist’s mouth.

“Where is he?”

“I don’ ‘ow!” he replied through bloody gums.

“Someone doesn’t just disappear! Not with what he owes us!”

The man had no reply to that. Once more, he cursed his roommate.

MEANWHILE

Trixie and Daring were happily having HLS.

“I…I think we should adopt,” Trixie panted.

“Not magic?” Daring replied breathlessly.

“You really want to try creating a child from two sets of female genes with my radiological magic?” Trixie asked, managing to enunciate clearly through a mouthful.

“G-good point,” Daring moaned.

MEANWHILE

Celestia and Luna reclined in their thrones, doing Princess stuff. A letter popped into the air and Celestia took it.

“So back to what I was saying,” Luna went on, continuing the conversation as Celestia read the letter. “It sure is nice being the only two Princesses.”

“Mmm-hmm,” Celestia acknowledged. “What with Twilight and Cadance both demoted.” She finished reading the letter and began to pen a quick reply.

“How did you manage to remove Cadance’s title anyway?” Luna asked.

“Well, what with her not having land to rule anymore, it was fairly easy to write a law around it.” Celestia finished the letter and sent it with a sparkle of magic.

“What was that?” Luna asked.

“Oh, just a message from Twilight and her friends. Since her own demotion she’s gone back to focusing on the small picture. She and the others are dressing up or something.”

MEANWHILE

The library door slammed open and three fillies rushed in.

“Linguist books!” Apple Bloom demanded.

She and the other two Crusaders stopped short. Six ponies and one dragon in costumes stared at them.

“This isn’t…” Spike paused. He looked around and then shrugged. “Okay, fine, it’s pretty much exactly what it looks like.”

MEANWHILE

Cadance jerked upright. The nightmare had ripped her from sleep almost as violently as her Empire had been razed.

“What is it?” Shining Armor asked, sitting up and worriedly touching a hoof to her shoulder.

She turned to him, eyes wide and horrified. “There’s been a disturbance in the force.”

Author's Note

MEANWHILE

TNaB drops hints for Season 5 and explains why Rainbow Rocks isn't feasible.

Applejack Sins Against Nature part 1

Twilight had called a meeting in the library. She was a little flustered, and waited nervously for her friends to show up.

Rainbow Dash arrived outside, huge scaled wings kicking up dust in the street outside. Closing her slitted eyes for a moment, she changed from a dragon back into a pegasus.

The spell to turn her into a dragon for the battle against Tirek had been fairly easy to reverse, but after Rainbow had kept pestering Twilight to change her back and forth, Twilight had built a spell to let Rainbow do it herself.

Of course, letting a pony like Rainbow turn into a dragon at will was an enormously bad idea. Rainbow was still clumsy in her huge dragon form. It hadn't ended well for a few Ponyville houses. At least she was good with weather control to put out the fires her breath started.

Spike hadn't openly said anything, but Twilight could tell he was at least a little jealous. Rainbow was big and strong and she could fly. Then again, Spike could actually fit inside the library tree.

As Rainbow entered the front door, Pinkie was also arriving with Fluttershy in tow. Pinkie did not usually use her Fluttershy fetish collar and leash in public, but this must have been one of those days.

Rarity arrived moments later, followed by a sweaty Applejack.

"Did you have to run to make the meeting on time?" Rarity asked, glancing over her shoulder with distaste.

"Run? What are you talkin' about?" Applejack frowned.

Rainbow came over. "You seem sweaty a lot lately. Have you been working out more?"

"You do seem more toned," commented Rarity. She turned to head into the library.

"Uh, yeah," added Rainbow, a smidge of jealousy and maybe a hint of homoerotic appreciation in her voice.

"Sexy!" said Pinkie, giving quite a bit more than a hint.

Applejack shot her a look before continuing into the library.

"Hello everypony," Twilight called. "Glad you could all come."

"Certainly," said Rarity. "But what's this about, dear?"

"I, uh...I think I have a little problem," Twilight admitted.

"Oh no," Fluttershy said. Pinkie had removed the leash. "Can we help?"

"I hope so. I've been looking through all my books and can't find a solution. I have to say, I'm a little flustered that even as the Element of Magic I can't figure it out." Unnoticed by everyone, wisps of steam had started to drift upward from Twilight's mane and tail.

"What do you expect us to contribute?" Rarity asked. "If you're the librarian and most powerful unicorn around, what chance do we have of figuring this problem out?"

"What is this problem, anyway?" Applejack added. "I don't see anything wrong."

Somewhat more flustered, Twilight's entire body had begun to smoke. "Well, it's not something..."

"Hey, are you on fire?" Rainbow asked.

"I...yes," Twilight conceded. She ashamedly ducked her head as the rest of her coat burst into flames.

Her friends jumped back in surprise, but soon realized they were in no danger. Aside from being a little warmer than normal, Twilight appeared to be perfectly fine as a burning pony.

"Isn't this what happened when Valiant made you really angry right before the battle with Tirek?" Applejack asked.

"That's right." Twilight screwed up her face in deep concentration. Little by little, the flames died down until she was back to her normal extinguished self. She put on a worried look. "But it keeps happening more and more easily. I can sort of control it, but when I get frustrated or angry sometimes I just can't help it."

"Is it dangerous?" Rarity asked. "I can see this being an inconvenience, but is it truly unbearable?"

"Hey!" Spike chimed in. "What if you used it like a secret identity? It'd be a great superpower!"

"Well, I did create all those costumes for a reason," Rarity added. She turned to glare at Rainbow. "Although I hadn't planned on replacing quite so many."

"But it looks awesome when I bust out of the costume while changing into a dragon, then set the shreds that are still hanging onto me on fire!" Rainbow protested.

"I'm going to get you some spandex," Rarity deadpanned.

"So, getting back to my problem..." Twilight ventured.

"Are we still talking about this?" said Rainbow. "Maybe you could even get some training from Sir Win and get even more powerful. I thought that after we decided you were going to use it to be a superhero it stopped being a problem."

"That is not what we decided," Twilight countered. "I thought we were going to use the Rainbow Power."

"Do what you want." Rainbow waved a hoof. "I'm cool with just being a superhero dragon." She paused. "Although...what if I could be a superhero Rainbow Power dragon? That's got to be some kind of power multiplier, right?"

"It's possible," Twilight theorized. "In fact, perhaps I could also get a boost that way from stacking that power with, ah, flamingness."

"Could I get a boost from my flamingness?" Pinkie asked.

"I hope not," Fluttershy whispered.

"Well, it is an uncharted ultra-powerful system of magic," Twilight said. "I suppose anything is possible."

"Could the Rainbow Power get me some snacks?" Spike asked.

Twilight shot him an impatient look.

More reasonably, Rarity asked, "Could it make our outfits more fabulous?"

"It's possible," Twilight repeated.

"What about a detox and full body cleansing?" asked Applejack, a little more earnestly than the other questions.

Twilight appraised her farmer friend. "You don't look unhealthy to me. In fact, you look like you're in better shape than I've ever seen you." She frowned and then took a few steps closer to Applejack. "Are you taller? Yes, I think you might have even grown a little. You're almost as tall as I was as an alicorn, which makes you an inch or two taller than you were before."

"How did you do that?" Rainbow demanded. "Are you taking some kind of exotic workout-boosting gain-enhancing supplement?"

"Why did you do that?" Rarity demanded. "Now I have to refit your outfits!"

Pinkie wiped a hoof along Applejack's back, making the farmer flinch. "Are you still sweating? Is it getting hot in here? Are we going to take off all our clothes?"

They were already naked, of course. They had been the whole time. Psych.

"I, uh," Applejack stammered.

"Well, tell us," Twilight prodded.

Applejack gulped. She faltered, but began. "It started a few months ago, just before Valiant left. He convinced me to go on that stupid trip to Shrieking Peaks."

"Brr, I get cold just thinking about it." Rarity shuddered. "At least they have holiday decorations year round."

"I know you came back and swore off snow," Twilight observed. "We all guessed that had been pretty bad experience, but we thought it was just an unpleasant trip."

"Unpleasant don't even begin to cover it," Applejack muttered.

"But you got jacked," Rainbow said. "Come on, tell me your secret to bulking up."

"Well...I think it's more just a side effect." Applejack shifted her hooves nervously.

"Go on, continue the story," Rarity said.

"So Valiant and me were up in the Shrieking Peaks," said Applejack. "He was on about something for one of his projects."

Twilight had started taking notes. She looked up from the pad of paper. "What was it?"

"Some rock or something." Applejack frowned. They all knew what trouble rocks could bring. "Anyway, it started snowing hard and we got trapped in one of the passes. We were up above the vegetation line and there was nothin' but snow and ice. Most of it was blowing and fallin' out of the sky.

"We were stuck there for days. The blizzard was so bad I thought maybe the Windigos had come back." Applejack hesitated, and then added, "We were running out of food. I thought for sure we were going to die. Even our mountain guide said she had never been in a situation so bad."

"But you didn't die and now you're going to tell us why not, right?" said Pinkie.

Applejack paused as if that was exactly what she didn't want to do. Rainbow prodded her. "Come on, I want to know why you're stronger than before. You're the Element of Honesty - you have to tell us!"

"Um, I guess I do." Applejack cringed. "So, there we were, Valiant, me, and our guide, in a little snow cave. We were starving and had to do something. The three of us drew straws. Fruitcake lost."

Cries of revulsion went around the room.

"I can't even imagine!" Rarity shrieked.

Twilight made a face. "How could you? That's...that's unequine!"

Rainbow stuck out her tongue. "That's disgusting. But did that really help you bulk up?"

"I don't know why it would," said Pinkie. "The average fruitcake doesn't have any protein in it. Fruitcake isn't even made with apples."

"Was Valiant okay with his nut allergy?" asked Fluttershy.

"Hey, I actually like fruitcake!" Spike protested.

"I suppose that faced with starvation, anypony would do the same," conceded Twilight. "You did what you had to do, Applejack, even if it was something like eating an icky holiday fruitcake."

Applejack's head sank even lower, her hat slipping down over her face to hide her tears of shame. "Y'all misunderstand...Fruitcake was our guide."

The Ponyville Church of Christ

"So where's this place you were talking about?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Not too much further," Apple Bloom replied. "When we get to this cliff up ahead, you can see it from there."

"Cliff?" Scootaloo asked, turning her head away from the direction she was pulling the wagon with her scooter.

"CLIFFFFfffff...!" Apple Bloom agreed.

A few moments later, the three of them were still at the cliff, but the other end of it. Picking herself up and rubbing her aching head, Scootaloo muttered, "Well, at least 'safety first' works pretty well."

"I don't know if I would say that," disagreed Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom was dead.

"Aww, she looks so cute when she naps," squealed Scootaloo.

"That's a little creepy," Sweetie observed. "Since when are you into sleeping fillies?"

"Well at least somepony cares," huffed Scootaloo, adjusting Apple Bloom's neck so that it wasn't so twisted and off-center. "If she just had you for a friend she would wake up from this nap with a crick."

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She paused and looked around. "Apple Bloom was the one who knew where we were going. While we wait for her to wake up, let's explore a little."

Not far from where they had slammed into the ground at the base of the cliff was a cleft in the rock face. Getting closer, Sweetie and Scootaloo discovered that it was cave. Of course, they had to check it out.

Concentrating hard, Sweetie managed to get a light going from her horn and they ambled inside.

The cave turned out to be disappointingly small. There was just enough room to shelter an altar from the weather.

"What's this?" Scootaloo asked, poking at the closed book that lay atop the stone pillar.

Sweetie managed to grapple it from the stand and blew the dust off. The book was quite large and ornately bound. The title was apparently Holy Bible.

"Sounds familiar," Scootaloo mused. "Where have I heard it before?"

Sweetie frowned in thought. "I think maybe Valiant said something about it once."

"Yeah, that's right!" said Scootaloo cheerfully. "Hey, what happened to him, anyway?"

"He went to the moon or something," said Sweetie absently, distracted by opening the book's cover.

"Didn't he spend a long time in space already?" Scootaloo asked, crowding close to Sweetie to read the pages.

"Yeah, something like that."

The conversation about Alicorn Valiant in space wasn't enough to hold their interest. Someone should really check these kids for ADD.

They did manage to concentrate hard enough to do a little reading. Within the first few pages, Scootaloo and Sweetie were already beginning to form a mutual idea.

"We should get cutie marks..."

"...for introducing religion to Equestria!"

Back in Ponyville, Sir Win the demon dropped a wedding cake that he had been taking out of the oven. "Oh hell no!"

Talking exitedly about their latest idea to finally stop being blank flanks, the two fillies exited the cave and went back to where the smashed scooter, wagon, and Apple Bloom lay. Scootaloo tossed the Bible down and picked up the remains of her scooter, attempting to mend the broken pieces. "We'll need to get back to Ponyville soon and get started on this!"

"I know!" Sweetie gushed. "There's so much to do, but we're the first ones to do anything like this! There's got to be cutie marks in it for us."

Apple Bloom stirred, wondering why somepony had dropped a large book on her head. Her neck was a little sore, too.

"This Bible thing is just like an instruction manual," Sweetie went on. "I mean, we probably don't have to invent mankind and be all, 'In the beginning...' but we can follow the other parts pretty closely, I think."

"But where are we supposed to get Philistines?" Scootaloo wondered.

"Well they're supposed to be hung like donkeys, so...donkeys?"

"No, you're thinking of the ones whose foreskins we're supposed to cut off."

"Huh?" muttered Apple Bloom as she got up. "I must've missed somethin.'"

Sweetie and Scootaloo gave her the short version.

"Sounds great!" said Apple Bloom. "Let's get Biblical!"

At school the next day, the plan began. The Cutie Mark Crusaders began teaching everypony about Jesus Christ.

Some foals were skeptical, of course, but many were happy to listen as somepony read them a book. Once Cheerilee found out, however, she put a stop to it.

"I will not let anything related to Valiant be discussed in this classroom," she admonished. "Don't you all want to grow up and be normal?

Being normal and nondescript was of course a powerful motivation for most ponies. However, the lure of taking part in the Next Big Thing was too powerful to resist for some. The CMC were forced to move their following out of the schoolhouse, but they were able to pull along enough followers to create a small choir for Sunday services.

The problem of where to hold the gathering was an issue, but with a little elbow grease and unfounded optimism, a structure was errected.

Ponyville residents did not know what to make of the new building in town. It had a plus sign on the roof and lots of benches inside. However, when the bell rang on Sunday morning they came because it seemed like the thing to do.

A gathering of schoolfoals sang softly while everypony filed in for services. The choir could use some more members, but Rumble, Twist, Featherweight, Cordoba, Strawberry Glaze, Inkspot, and Paperwork would do for now.

Nodding to each other, the CMC began the service. As the front doors closed, the sermon began.

"You're all going to Hell unless you do exactly what we say!" implored Sweetie Belle.

In the congregation, Fluttershy leaned over and whispered to Rarity, "I don't like the sound of that."

"Give us your money and drink this grape juice!" added Scootaloo.

Applejack, sitting with the others, made a sour face, however Pinkie seemed enthusiastic.

"Listen while I talk at you!" included Apple Bloom.

"I'm not sure I like this method of worship," Guinness whispered in Rainbow's ear. "Something's strange about it."

However, being ponies, all the parishioners did exactly as ordered. Apple Bloom read scripture from the Bible.

"Then their eyes were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. The man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from Him among the trees to conceal their nakedness. But the Lord called out, “Where are you?” The man replied, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked.” The Lord said, “Who told you that you were naked?” The man said, “We ate the forbidden fruit and it revealed to us many things, namely the fact that we were buck-ass naked all along."

Twilight's eyes flew open wide. "No...it can't be... Everypony, I recognize this verse!"

"Shh!" urged Scootaloo. She poked Twilight with the money basket.

Twilight dropped in a few bits, just as the rest of the row had done. Guinness leaned over and asked Twilight, "Where did you hear it before? I mean, I know the Book of Genesis, but I've never heard it told with those, uh, particular words before."

"It's Valiant's Bible," Twilight replied. "He read me that verse once."

"How did it get here?" asked Rarity.

"What is it?" asked Applejack.

Twilight explained human religion, or at least the parts she knew about it.

"So...magic is wicked," Rarity said flatly.

"And gluttony is bad," added Pinkie.

"So is boasting," intoned Rainbow.

"And I'm going to Hell for eating my own kind on top of feelin' terrible about it," muttered Applejack.

"I'm good," said Fluttershy.

"Hang on, this is coming from Valiant," Twilight clarified. "I never said any of this was real."

Every head in church turned to face them.

"Not real?"

"Shun the nonbelievers!"

"And by shun, we mean persecute!"

"And by persecute we mean deliver vigilante justice of arbitrary rules through the fury of an angry mob!"

"A crusade!" chorused Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo.

"We could pretend that we're actually on their side," Rarity suggested hastily as the mob advanced, chanting things and forcing the Element Bearers and Guinness towards the door.

"But then they'll just pull us into more craziness because they think they're gaining followers," said Guinness. "Trust me, I know way more about religious extremism than I care to."

"I guess I'll defer to the expert here," Twilight said. "What do we do?"

"I don't know! If I did, we wouldn't have religious extremism!"

"So...run?" suggested Rainbow.

Everyone was quick to comply. However, the congregation conflagration followed them out onto the streets, still chanting and beginning to fall in step to march. In the midst of the crowd, the Cutie Mark Crusaders kept up their drive. They had a large group fanatically following their teachings now but that still hadn't resulted in any cutie marks.

"I think we need to increase membership," said Apple Bloom.

"We can tell all the members to start having kids," suggested Sweetie Belle.

"But that will take a while," Scootaloo argued. "How can we convince more ponies to join? We've already invited everypony in town and not all of them showed up."

There was a pause. "Well, we could force 'em," suggested Apple Bloom. "Maybe they just don't know a good thing. We're doing righteous work."

"Yeah!" said Sweetie, getting on the bandwagon. "We've got a group of followers. We convince them to go out and get everypony else to join."

"How?" asked Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom shrugged. "It just matters if everypony is under our control. Doesn't matter how we get there."

"Well...fear could be a powerful coercion tactic," Sweetie Bell speculated.

"Hey, yeah," agreed Scootaloo. "And then once they join we secure their membership by showing them that with us there's nothing to be afraid of because other ponies will be the ones who are afraid."

"It's a good start," Sweetie said, "but exactly how are we supposed to spread fear?"

"Threatening lives usually works," Apple Bloom speculated.

"I think we should go past that," insisted Scootaloo. "I mean, ponies won't believe any of that unless we actually give them a demonstration, something that shows that we're here and we mean business. Something that shows that our members are so devoted to the cause that they would die. Something that shows we have moderate technical skills and access to explosives."

Hearing this, Guinness's eyes bugged out. He shouted, "Run!"

He and the six Element Bearers did so, making it down the block and around the corner. Rainbow asked, "Why? What's the big deal?"

That was when the first suicide bomber detonated.

"Oh," said Rainbow.

"Why would anypony do that?" Twilight demanded.

"I can't figure it out," Rarity said. "Not only does it make one look like a moron, but it's not like it actually works. You blow others up and they certainly won't take to your cause."

Pinkie opened her mouth, paused, and then shook her head. "Nope. Can't think of anything funny about that."

Fluttershy looked up. "Hello Sir Win."

The demon was marching down the street with a displeased look on his face. He glanced in their direction. "Hello. Sorry I can't chat. I have a little business to take care of."

"Are you going to stop the religion?" Twilight asked.

"Absolutely," Sir Win replied. "But perhaps not for the reasons you might think. Ordinarily I wouldn't care about slaughter in the streets, I might welcome it in fact, however this is not acceptable."

"But...you're a demon?" Rainbow said.

Sir Win nodded. "Yes, but when religious fanatics start killing themselves while trying to kill others in the name of a deity for reasons that are poppycock, do you know who ends up going to Hell? Morons. We already have all we need, thank you very much." He turned back towards the church and started walking again. "I'm going to put a stop to this."

"Should we...cheer him on?" Guinness asked. "I like to think of myself as a good Catholic, and I have to say, in this situation I'm very conflicted."

"One of those ponies responsible for this is my sister!" Rarity shouted.

"He wouldn't hurt a child...would he?" Fluttershy asked.

Nopony answered for a long moment.

"I'm going after him," Rarity decided. She hurried in the direction Sir Win had gone.

Twilight looked around at the rest. "Well, I guess we can't just stand here..."

A block away, another pony went off.

"Second thought, maybe we can," Twilight decided. She looked around. "Hey, where's Applejack?"

"Right here," the farmer said, trotting over. She pointed back over her shoulder. "I wouldn't go down that way if I were you. It's pretty ugly; little pieces of pony everywhere." She surreptitiously wiped her mouth.

The group of them stood around for a while longer. Pinkie said, "So...anypony know any good jokes?"

None of them did. Silence fell again.

"Does it bother anypony else that we've grown so desensitized to violence in the streets?" Twilight asked. "I mean, we're just standing here while fanatics kill themselves trying to kill others."

"Well, what are we supposed do?" Rainbow said.

"They've got bombs and are dyin' to use 'em," Applejack noted. It was a nifty little pun that almost slipped by unnoticed.

"Well, maybe we could show them the power of the Magic of Friendship and change their extremist hearts by..." Twilight shook her head. "Has anypony else noticed that pretty much all we do these days is blast evildoers with some kind of magic or another? It's almost too easy. We don't even have to take the time to get to know them or anything."

"Good thing we're so good at it," Rainbow chuckled.

"Well, I guess that's that," Applejack decided. "Let's go."

"Aren't you worried about Apple Bloom?" Fluttershy asked.

"Nah. If there was anything wrong with her, we'll just give it a little dose of rainbow magic and everything'll be just fine."

Twilight glanced in Applejack's direction. "That strikes me as being a little careless. Also, who's the magic expert here?"

"Well, she's got to grow up sometime. Plus, am I wrong?"

Twilight conceded that while Applejack didn't know the first thing about magic, the situation she described was probably accurate.

They all began walking towards the center of the mob. "How are we going to do this?" Rainbow asked.

"I think Rarity has the costumes," said Pinkie. When the rest looked at her, she said, "What? I thought we were going to start that superhero squad."

"Got all the disguise I need right here," laughed Rainbow. She concentrated for a moment and turned into a dragon.

Twilight turned her head to reply, but a young foal from the church choir, a filly with a blue coat and white mane, kicked her in the shin.

"Ouch!" Twilight jerked, only minimally injured. She pushed the kid away with a little magic, but the filly kept struggling forward, intent on doing whatever damage she could to the purple infidel.

"Stop it," Twilight ordered. Her words apparently had no effect. Her attacker didn't even act like she had heard.

"I'll call your parents," Twilight threatened. Nothing.

Twilight's mane went up in flames. "That's enough!"

Finally, presented with a burning, angry mare, the filly's eyes popped open wide and she stopped. Twilight gave her a push and she ran.

"That worked," observed Applejack.

Twilight sighed. She examined herself for a moment. "I guess. Well, here I am, on fire. I guess there's no better way to do this."

"Awesome!" Rainbow spread her massive wings. "Let's kick some tail!"

The fight was very short and with few injuries. Against regular ponies, even religious terrorists, the Element Bearers were not faced with much of a challenge.

Applejack, with her newfound, apparently protein-based, strength increase was bucking even faster and harder than usual. It helped that there was another one of her.

Even if the duplicate didn't have a hat, it took longer than it should have for Twilight to realize there was a second Applejack on the field. However, there was another explosive vest-wearing pony coming her way and she didn't have time to think about it.

She should have thought about it. By the time she realized the situation, the suicide bomber was no more than five feet away.

"Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savoir?" the pony screamed, reaching for the detonator button.

Applejack tackled the pony an instant before the bomb went off. Twilight was knocked over by the blast, a shower of blood putting out her flames.

Sputtering through the gore and struggling to rise, Twilight rolled over, nearly deaf from the explosion. A hoof grabbed her and helped her up.

"Thanks," Twilight said, probably too loudly since she could barely hear. "Thanks...Applejack?!"

"That was close," said Applejack.

"But you-"

"Um, I don't want to interupt," said Fluttershy, her voice almost inaudible in Twilight's ringing ears, "but I think we have a big problem."

Twilight turned to follow Fluttershy's pointing hoof. In the street, near the center of where the violence had erupted, was a statue of white crystal. It took Twilight a moment to realize that it was Rarity.

Forgetting for a moment that Applejack - or an Applejack - had just jumped on a pony grenade, Twilight rushed over to Rarity.

The fashionable unicorn looked quite stricken. Her hoof was out as if reaching for something. There was a granular white powder in a thin layer on the ground around her.

"It's salt," said Pinkie, wiping her nose in disappointment. She took an experimental lick of Rarity's backside. "Hey, this is salty, too!"

"Pinkie! Don't lick things like that. We just got through solving Equestria's meth problem," Twilight admonished.

Twilight shook her head and turned back to Rarity. "What in the wide world of Equestria-" she started to say, but was interrupted by the wall of the nearest house blowing apart in a shower of splinters.

Sir Win crashed into the street in a tumble with a brown and white stallion. The two of them wrestled across the ground, ending up in a pile in front of the Element Bearers and Guinness.

"Unhoof me, foul demon!" demanded the new pony. The white hair on his belly was dirty and was getting scorched by Sir Win's fiery mane.

"Nothing doing!" retorted Sir Win. "Not only are you a Bible, you're a magic one at that!"

Everypony looked at Guinness. "You know about Bibles, right?" said Twilight.

Guinness shrugged. "Nothing he just said made any sense to me."

"It's got a lot to do with Equimorphism and I don't really have time to go into it right now," Sir Win managed. He and the other pony continued to grapple.

"Equimorphism?" Twilight said, "like inanimate objects turning into equines?"

"He's literally a bible?" Guinness said. He glanced at the new guy again. On second thought he did look a little like a holy book. A leather book cover was made from skin, after all. His cutie mark was even a golden cross.

Guinness frowned. "So...I guess a demon wanting to destroy a religious book makes sense. I don't agree with it, mind you, but it makes sense. What I don't get is why this guy used to be a book and is now a pony."

"Magic," Sir Win provided.

"You mean the Holy Spirit?" Guinness asked.

"No, magic!' Sir Win insisted. "Completely different."

"That does go a long way towards explaining the equimorphism," Twilight speculated.

"So...whose side are we on?" Fluttershy asked, saying what they were all thinking.

Sir Win and the Bible continued to wrestle. Sir Win said, "He turned Rarity into a pillar of salt!"

"Well it's not like I meant to get turned into a pony!" protested Bible. "Sorry about the magical side effects, but if I did that, I can undo it. Oh yeah, and when Apple Bloom broke her neck earlier, I fixed it."

"She what?" gasped Applejack.

"Look, the differences between myself and this thing are just a personal dispute," said Sir Win. "I'll be the first to acknowledge that it's not a good versus evil fight here."

"He's right," Bible agreed. "This Demon is evil by nature, but that doesn't mean he's a bad guy. I'm still learning to be a pony at the moment, so if anything, I'm neutral."

"I just hate him because he was printed as a piece of religious material," Sir Win said. "It's what he is, not who he is. Nothing personal."

"That doesn't help us pick a side!" Twilight groaned.

"Well, let's just separate 'em and we'll decide later," Applejack suggested. "First, let's get him to turn Rarity back."

With somepony finally making a decision on how to proceed, the group pulled the fighting ponies apart. Pinkie took Sir Win back to his place to calm down and bake a nice cake or something. Twilight took Bible to sort out Rarity's problem. Applejack went to find the Crusaders.

Surveying what had become of the town, the three fillies had come to a mutual decision. "That didn't work."

"Come on," groaned Scootaloo, "If we can't even get cutie marks for inventing a whole new cultural influence, what hope is there?"

"Well, maybe we didn't try the right religion," Sweetie suggested.

"They're all probably about the same," Apple Bloom said. "Somethin' about divine power and better things to come."

Sweetie frowned. "Yeah, maybe you're right."

Applejack arrived just then. "Are y'all done?"

"Yeah," Apple Bloom told her.

"This is a heck of a mess," Applejack noted, glancing around at the destruction the religious mob had caused in the name of God. "Somepony is going to have a lot of work to do to get this town back to the way it was."

"Uh, yeah," said Scootaloo. She and the other two began to edge away.

"You three had better run along home and don't cause any more trouble," Applejack said. She paused. "Unless you want to get cutie marks in body cleanup and explosive ordnance disposal."

"Can we really?" squealed Scootaloo.

"Let's do it!" Apple Bloom cheered.

The three fillies immediately went to work cleaning up the mess they had caused. Applejack smirked.

Down the street, Bible was examining the pillar of salt Rarity had been turned into. "Fitting," he muttered.

"Why?" Twilight asked.

"It's just a thing that happened here." Bible pointed absently to his stomach. It took Twilight a moment to realize he meant his pages.

A strange feeling began to overtake her as she watched him. He was a book. She liked books.

After a little muttering under his breath, Bible touched his horn to Rarity's horn. There was a spark of magic and she turned back into a pony.

"Good heavens!" Rarity sputtered.

"I get that a lot," said Bible.

"What happened?" Rarity asked, examining her hooves, still stained with a little bit of salt. Twilight noticed there was a bare patch on her backside, about where Pinkie had licked her. Rainbow saw it too and cracked up with laughter.

"What is so funny?" Rarity looked around, confused. Pinkie was now laughing too and Twilight was finding it hard to keep from joining in.

"Your bottom's bare," Fluttershy said.

That was not quite true, only a tongue-sized spot on her rump, but Rarity freaked out.

Applejack arrived just then, looking around at the situation. She arched an eyebrow and asked, "What's going on?"

"It's simply dreadful!" Rarity shouted, shoving her rear at Applejack. "Just look!"

Applejack took her hat off and put it on Rarity's butt. "Keep that out of my face."

"Um, guys?" said Guinness, breaking in, "I think we have a problem. Sir Win and that Bible guy are gone."

Twilight immediately serious'd. "Where did they go?"

"Where did my hair go?" Rarity wailed.

"Why do we care?" said Rainbow. Rarity glared at her. "I mean about the Bible. He's gone so he's not our problem anymore."

"You know as well as anypony that nothing is ever over for good," Twilight said. "Valiant may have been many things, but he was remarkably observant about the way things work in Equestria and he was right on that point."

"Can we not talk about Valiant right now?" Rarity said, trying to steer the conversation back to her butt.

"Sure," said Applejack. "Instead, let's talk about what we do next in regards to this Bible guy."

"Actually," Twilight said, "Let's talk about you, Applejack. I could have sworn you had a duplicate that died in an explosion."

"Why not both?" said Pinkie.

Debrief

The library was crowded. Twilight had called everypony that was involved in the church incident to one place in order to piece together what had happened and get a better idea of how to proceed.

"All right everypony, let's begin," said Twilight. "We'll start from the beginning." She turned to the chalkboard, brandishing a pointer. "Step one, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle find a Holy Bible in a cave."

"Actually, I think before that comes the part where I was placed there," said Bible.

Twilight picked up a piece of chalk. She located a small part of the chalkboard that wasn't written on and asked, "Okay, what are the details?"

Bible shrugged. "I don't know. I was a book then."

Twilight frowned. "Okay...let's just assume Valiant put you there to troll us."

"A reasonable assumption," said Sir Win. He and Bible had been forced to sit on opposite sides of the room from each other.

Twilight marked it down and went on. "So the Cutie Mark Crusaders find the bible, and-"

"Hang on," said Scootaloo, "it was just Sweetie Belle and I. Apple Bloom was passed out after we crashed."

"She was dead," Bible corrected. "I just happened to have enough inherent magic to fix her."

Twilight made the correction to the chalkboard, mentally noting how strange it was that nopony reacted to that. How weird things had gotten lately. "All right, so once everypony was back together, the three fillies took the Bible back to Ponyville and began preaching. This attracted a significant following and soon a church was built."

"I was glad to get them out of the classroom," remarked Cheerilee. "I have enough to deal with already."

Twilight was not exactly sure the extent of the duties Cheerilee performed under the "black ops" of Princess Luna, but decided now was not the time to ask. She went on. "So once the church was built the congregation began to form. A choir was raised from foals and older ponies began to join as well."

"Beautiful music, yes?" asked Cordoba, with her accented speech. She was one of the young singers. Twilight frowned. She may have been the same blue and white filly who had kicked Twilight in the shin during the street fight.

However, getting the story straight was more important than dealing with urchins. Twilight nodded noncommittally in response. "Yes, the choir may have been the best part of this whole event." She turned back to the chalkboard and went on. "So, due to a conversation during the sermon about how the bible was either Valiant's or a copy, we learned that Guinness knows quite a bit about human religion."

Guinness nodded modestly.

Twilight gestured to her five Element buddies and added, "It was also about this point that the congregation turned on us. So we left the church and the Crusaders made the decision to become, well, crusaders."

Sweetie put on her lawyering tone. "Let me make it perfectly clear that the three of us broke no laws. All of those that sacrificed themselves for the so-called crusade did so willingly."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Equestria doesn't even have laws against this kind of thing because nopony ever thought it would be necessary. No charges are being filed, but I would advise you not to start any more religious extremism in the future."

Glancing back at the chalkboard, Twilight kept talking. "So, Sir Winifred Condemnation Inferno arrived in the middle of this, aiming to put a stop to the proceedings."

Sir Win nodded. "Let me add that I was highly successful."

Twilight had to agree. The outcome wasn't perfect, but the demon had likely ended the event considerably faster than it would have otherwise. That also brought her to her next point. "When Sir Win intervened, the magic of the Bible turned it - er, him - into a real pony. We're still working on how that happened."

Bible shrugged. "I wish I could tell you. Up until then, I was just a book."

"How did a human holy book become magical?" Twilight asked.

"Same answer," replied Bible. "Could it have something to do with this Valiant fellow?"

"It could," Twilight replied curtly. She glanced at the chalkboard. "Moving on, Rarity was accidentally caught in the magic field and turned into a pillar of salt. That was easy to fix, although we're still working through some complications."

Rarity shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Beneath the outlandish dress she wore, there was still a small patch on her rump that was bare of hair. It didn't help that at the moment she felt something granular sifting through her clothing. It felt like sand, perhaps, but she couldn't imagine how it had gotten there.

"After all that was the cleanup," Twilight finished. "There was a lot to mop up and defuse in the streets."

She looked around. "Okay, that covers most of it. Are there any questions? No? Thank you all for coming. Sir Win, Bible, Guinness, and girls, could you please stay behind?"

Most of the crowd got up and filed out of the library. The others remained, looking at Twilight with interest.

"I have just a few more things," Twilight said, flipping over one of the chalkboards to reveal more writing. "I didn't think the whole town should hear this, or at least not until we were sure about what was going on."

Written on the board was a web diagram with a few points that all intersected to one central question: Duplicate Applejack?

"Something happened during the conflict," Twilight said. "This involves you girls, but I also wanted to have the local experts on strange things here to discuss."

Sir Win, Bible, and Guinness were admittedly an unusual panel of experts, but Twilight couldn't think of anypony else who might know what the heck was happening. She paused, and then said, "As the fight was happening, I could have sworn I saw a double of Applejack get blown up. Thoughts?"

Applejack immediately began to sweat.

Guinness frowned in thought.

Bible's expression remained neutral.

The rest looked at Applejack.

"I, uh..." Applejack began. "Well, I told y'all about the uh...change in my diet."

"Wait, change?" Rainbow asked. "It wasn't a one-time thing?"

Various expressions of distaste went around the room, save for the three stallions.

"Uh..." Applejack stalled.

"We can come back to that," Twilight put in. "Just tell us what happened yesterday."

"Well, y'see...it just kinda happened."

"You just spontaneously produced a duplicate?" Twilight asked. "How?"

"Wait a moment," broke in Sir Win, "Did you recently start eating pony?"

Applejack flinched, but nodded.

"Ah, okay." Sir Win smiled. "You've got an excess of protein. In most cases, it would simply be passed through, but with the combination of pony magic you're eating and your own enhanced latent magic from being such a special Element of Harmony and whatnot, I believe the extra protein is being converted into your very own meat puppets."

A collective "huh?" went around the room.

Applejack muttered, "I guess that could explain it."

Twilight shook her head in disbelief. "So you're saying that by being a cannibal, Applejack can produce duplicates of herself that she controls? I've literally never heard of anything so disgusting! That's a horrible perversion of nature!"

"But Applejack saved your life by getting her duplicate blown up instead of you," Fluttershy said.

The room was drenched in a long, awkward silence.

Bible looked around and whispered to Guinness, "I'm still learning how to be a real pony, but this is where Twilight is supposed to say thank you, right?"

Twilight swallowed hard. "Thank you for saving my life, Applejack."

Also feeling extremely uncomfortable about the whole situation, Applejack nodded.

"Hey," said Pinkie, "if Applejack had enough extra protein to make a whole duplicate of herself, where did she get it? I thought she split that Fruitcake pony with Valiant after they drew straws to see who would get eaten."

"That is what happened in the mountains, right?" said Guinness. "I'm surprised Valiant didn't just snap Fruitcake's neck and get it over with. He certainly wouldn't have risked himself like that, and probably wanted to protect your life too, because to be perfectly frank, you're a lot more important to Equestria than some random pony. Knowing Valiant, he probably rigged the straws, so that the outcome was guaranteed."

"So...none of this is my fault and we can blame Valiant?" Applejack said hopefully.

"I like the sound of that," Twilight quickly put in. "That's the official story from now on."

"But going back to the amount of biomass it would take to add up to one whole duplicate, you'd have to have eaten at least part of another pony," Sir Win speculated. "There were certainly enough parts lying around in the street the other day."

Applejack cringed, but quickly rambled, "Well, I wanted to do my part to help the cleanup, and I was hungry, and figured I wouldn't be any good in the fight on an empty stomach, and also I figured that since I had already done it once it wasn't like I could feel any worse about myself or get into more trouble." She paused, and the added, "Also, if I hadn't done it, Twilight could be dead right now."

"I...I guess it does have its uses," Twilight reluctantly conceded. "I can't condone it, but this one time it did turn out to be positive thing."

"We could talk to Snowflake about getting some protein powder supplement so Applejack can get the benefits without eating ponies," Rainbow suggested.

"Wouldn't work," said Sir Win. "It has to be pony flesh."

Applejack groaned in frustration. "I don't want any part of this."

"It's a little late for that now," Twilight reminded her.

"And, well, it is kind of cool that you're stronger now," Rainbow said.

Applejack stomped a hoof, rattling the building. "I wouldn't say it was worth it!"

With the rattle, the simple library light fixture suspended from the ceiling came loose and fell. Before anypony could react, it crashed down on Rarity's head.

Rarity was barely staggered. She blinked, vaguely aware that she should be more injured than she felt. She looked at the scattered pieces on the floor.

"Why are you white?" Pinkie asked.

Rarity frowned. "Dear, if you haven't noticed, I've always been white."

"Like, more than normal," Pinkie said, gesturing at Rarity.

Rarity examined herself. Sure enough, she had gone all white. More importantly, her coat was suddenly crystalline.

There was a mirror nearby and Rarity hovered it closer. She'd become an animated crystal of pure white, even more crystal than crystal ponies. She smiled. "This is unexpected, but I think I could grow to like it."

Pinkie licked her. "Salty!"

Rarity's face fell. "I'm a salt crystal?"

"My bad," said Bible.

Everypony turned to him for an explanation.

"Perhaps when I un-salted her the other day I didn't do it well enough and just temporarily gave her a partial transformation back?" Bible guessed. He rubbed the base of his horn. "Learning how to be a pony would be a whole lot easier if I had some formal instruction."

"I can help you with that," Twilight offered. Bible smiled in thanks, and she held his gaze for just a little longer than was really necessary.

Twilight shook her head. Deal with problems now, get to know the attractive book-stallion later.

She turned back to Rarity. "So is turning back into salt some kind of response to trauma? Being in salt form seemed to protect your head."

Rarity considered that. "I suppose." She pranced a little. Her hooves thudded solidly against the floor. "I suppose it is a bit like having a hard shell."

"Salty and a hard shell like a peanut?" Pinkie asked. Rarity glared at her.

"See if you can change back or need help," Twilight said. At her bidding, Rarity closed her eyes and concentrated. Sure enough, she was back to regular skin form in just a few moments. There was a second patch of bare skin where Pinkie had licked her the second time. Before anypony could mention it, Spike cut in.

"Wow!" Spike said, from where he had been watching the proceedings from the top of the stairs. "Now Rarity, Rainbow, and Twilight all have a transformation! We really are turning into a superhero team!"

Twilight started to protest, but reluctantly admitted that he had a point. Pinkie said, "Ooh! Do me next! No, wait, do Fluttershy next!" She grinned. "I'll do her."

"This is no time for HLS," Twilight admonished. "We're having serious conversations here. Speaking of that, I'm actually very pleased with the way this dialogue has gone. We accomplished a lot at this meeting."

"It's just like a debrief after an important superhero mission," Spike put in. "We should do this more often."

Twilight was about to refute him, but he again had a point. It wasn't often that they just sat around and talked things out, and it had worked surprisingly well. "Perhaps we can schedule more of these."

"At least replace the chalkboards, though," Spike said. "If we're going to be all cool and stuff, we need whiteboards."

Pinkie waved her hoof. "I get first sniff of the markers!"

Applejack Sins Against Nature part 2

"Meat puppets," as Sir Win described them, were actually a lot less grotesque than they sounded, provided Applejack didn't think about it too hard. It was very strange to think about creating doubles of herself out of, ah, excess protein.

It made orchard work go faster, however. Applejack just had to make sure nopony else saw.

"AJ, why is there a duplicate of you?"

"Consarnit, Big Mac! You weren't supposed to find out!"

Her older brother stared at her impassively.

Applejack lowered her head, hiding her face behind her hat. "It's a long story."

Mac nodded and walked away.

Applejack breathed easier. Her brother wasn't much for conversation, and for that she blessed him. He of all ponies probably took in stride better than anypony all the strange happenings around town. Heaven knew it was a major epicenter of weird, as Twilight described it.

With chores done early thanks to an extra set of hooves, Applejack decided to go to town. Maybe seeing some friends would make things a little more normal for her. Putting a meat puppet to work was not what she wanted to think about right now.

Despite having her workload reduced, Applejack still perspired. Mopping her brow, she stopped by the farm well to wash her face before heading on.

Drifting into town, Applejack had a look around. She didn't spot anypony she particularly wanted to talk to. Passing by the pub, the Half Pint, she paused, smelling something pleasant.

She'd rarely been in the pub. It wasn't really her kind of place, although it was becoming a popular destination in Ponyville. The combination of innovative food and beverages had something to do with it.

Guinness was behind the bar when Applejack walked in. He spotted her and waved a hoof, beckoning her over. Applejack sat on a stool in front of him, resting her hooves on the bar.

"What can I get you?" Guinness asked.

Applejack perused the menu for a moment. She shrugged. "What's good?"

"How about a bacon lettuce and tomato?"

Applejack frowned. "I've heard Valiant talk about bacon."

"Nah, this is bacon lettuce. Totally vegan but still tasty."

Applejack shrugged and nodded.

"Squibles, BLT!" Guinness called to his griffon business partner. He turned back to Applejack. "You want a beer with that?"

Applejack knew enough to ask for water instead.

The sandwich was apparently easy to assemble and arrived on a plate in just a few minutes. Applejack picked it up and took an experimental bite. She smiled. "It's good."

"It should be," Guinness said proudly. "I put a lot of work making it taste just like the real thing."

"So this is what bacon tastes like? Pig meat?"

"That's right."

Applejack frowned and put the sandwich down.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Guinness asked. "It's not real."

"Just...guilty."

Guinness looked around and then leaned on the bar to talk with her quietly. "Do you want to talk about it? It's kind of my job as the bartender to listen."

"I just..." Applejack sighed. "I wish I could go back and not do what I did."

"But then you'd have starved to death."

Applejack's head sank. "I know. I just wish I could put it behind me, but there's no going back. I'm different."

Guinness had noticed Applejack's recent bulk up. Rainbow wouldn't stop talking about it. Plus, he had been there when one of AJ's doubles had saved Twilight's life.

"I think the worst part is the sweating," Applejack said, surprising him. "I sweat a lot easier now. Sometimes it's like I don't even stop sweating."

Guinness frowned in thought. "You started sweating after you ate pony?" He snapped his hoof. "I've got it: it's the meat sweats."

"The what?" Applejack's brow wrinkled. "Also, how did you do that with your hoof?"

"Do what?"

Applejack shook her head. "Nevermind."

She looked at the sandwich for a moment before picking it up again. She was hungry, and even if it was bacon-y, it induced less guilt than actually eating meat.

Sir Win walked in at that moment. He spotted Applejack and came over. "Hello there. I've come to find you because I need your expertise."

Still chewing, Applejack raised her eyebrows.

"You see," said Sir Win, "Fluttershy is an earth pony."

Applejack frowned.

"I believe she ate Discord."

Applejack choked on her sandwich.

"Fluttershy did what?" Guinness asked, hitting Applejack on the back.

"As I said." Sir Win paused in thought. "Do you remember the place outside of town where Discord was killed? Er, I suppose with Discord you can't really be certain. I should say, 'where Valiant staked Discord through the heart with a tent peg.'"

"Yeah, I was there," said Guinness.

Finished choking, Applejack added, "Yep."

"It was also around that general area that Valiant subsequently took a giant ship on Tirek," added Sir Win. "In an attempt to beautify the area, Fluttershy has been going out there to reseed the ground. She also planted a vegetable garden. And somehow, Discord ended up on her salad plate."

"Wait a sec," said Applejack. "If Fluttershy ate Discord, and presumably absorbed his chaos powers, then why did she just turn into an earth pony?"

Sir Win shrugged. "I don't know anything about it. I'm evil, not chaotic."

"I reckon we should call Twilight and then maybe get the Princesses involved." Applejack stood up and left some money for the still partially-eaten sandwich. She and Sir Win headed for the library.

When they arrived and explained the situation to Twilight, she was understandably upset. "Discord isn't dead?"

"He might not be," Applejack clarified.

Twilight groaned. "I mean, I never agreed with the whole idea of Valiant murdering things, but I get very frustrated when I something I thought I knew for a fact turns out to be inaccurate."

"Well, he did comment on how nothing in Equestria said to be forever ever actually is forever," noted Sir Win. "Remarkably observant, that."

"Twilight where would you like me to file-" Bible walked out from behind a stack of shelves, but stopped abruptly. His eyes narrowed at Sir Win. "What's he doing here?"

"It's a public library," Twilight said. "Anypony can come in."

"What's he doing here?" said Sir Win.

"It's a public library," Twilight said. "Where else would you find a book?"

"We should get going," Applejack noted. "I'd say we need to get this solved as soon as possible."

It broke the moment and Sir Win agreed to come with her and Twilight. They set off for Fluttershy's place, where Sir Win had indicated that he had seen her.

Upon arrival, they found that Fluttershy was a unicorn.

"I thought you said she was an earth pony," Twilight said.

Sir Win shrugged. "If she changed into an earth pony, is it not conceivable that she could also change into a unicorn?"

"Um," said Fluttershy, "Pinkie, we have guests."

"So?" said Pinkie. "I'm not finished with your horn."

Applejack coughed and looked away from Pinkie and Fluttershy. "Uh, Pinkie, we're kinda trying to solve a mystery here. Could you maybe do that some other time?"

"But it's the first time Fluttershy has had a horn!" Pinkie pouted.

"Be that as it may, we have science to do," said Twilight. She glanced at the two of them and quickly looked away again. "So, could you two stop doing that for moment? Please?"

Pinkie and Fluttershy disengaged. Pinkie muttered something about needing a smoke and walked out of the house.

Twilight invited Fluttershy to sit and began asking her questions. "How did this happen? How do you feel? Did this have any effect on your special talent?"

"Um, it started after lunch; I think I ate something strange. I'm okay, relatively, I guess. And no."

To punctuate her last answer, a small songbird landed on Fluttershy's muzzle. She smiled and her eyes crossed to look at it. "Hello Mr. Sparrow."

The bird cheeped pleasantly and then took off again. The flit of its wings brushed across Fluttershy's nose and she sneezed.

Wings exploded from her back and her horn imploded into her skull.

Fluttershy fell out of the chair and looked dazed, lying on the floor.

"Oh my," commented Sir Win. He grabbed a nearby feather duster and said, "Let's see if that happens every time."

It did. Fluttershy began to cycle thorough the three most common pony races every time she sneezed.

"Okay, that's enough," Applejack finally said. "I don't know a lot about scientific method, but I reckon we have enough data. Now, how could this have happened?"

"As I said, I believe Fluttershy ate Discord," Sir Win stated.

"How do you know that?" Twilight asked.

"My carrot smiled at me," said Fluttershy.

"And you ate it anyway?" Applejack said.

"You ate ponies."

"Touché."

"So this is what we're doing now?" Twilight said. "We're making jokes about that?"

"I'm tired of justifying myself," said Applejack. "What I did was horrible and not even I can forgive myself, but I did it to save my life. Not only that, but all of you would hate to loose a friend, and I'm sure Equestria wouldn't want to lose an Element of Harmony. Valiant killed a pony and made me eat her. In return, I'm still alive and arguably more capable than before. I even used said new ability to save your life. I don't like it, but I'm learning to live with it and make the best of things. Least you could do is be a good friend while I figure it out."

"That was...astoundingly eloquent," Twilight said after a moment of thought.

Before Applejack could reply, there was a knock on the door. Sir Win was standing closest and opened it. It was Daisy, one of the mares who sold flowers in town.

"Is Fluttershy here?" she asked.

"May I ask your business with her?" Sir Win asked.

"She, um..." Daisy paused, flushing red. "I kind of want to be her slave and serve her forever."

"Hey, you too?" said Lilly, who showed up beside Daisy.

"You have to admit, being Fluttershy's property is pretty enticing," added Rose, appearing with the other two.

Sir Win turned his head, looking at Applejack, Twilight, and Fluttershy. It was hard to say who was the most surprised.

Applejack stepped forward, taking Sir Win's place at the door. "Just how did y'all come to this conclusion?"

"We were just discussing it over lunch," said Daisy.

"And where did you have lunch?"

"Oh, there's a vegetable garden outside of town."

Applejack looked at the others. "Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"I made this firebomb," said Fluttershy, holding up one of Valiant's tequila bottles with a piece of cloth for a wick.

"Sugarcube, that wasn't what I was thinkin'." Applejack shook her head, but then paused. "Although, I reckon it'll work."

Gesturing for the others to follow, Applejack pushed past the three mares at the door and headed down the path.

"Now what are you thinking?" asked Twilight, catching up.

"Step one is making sure nopony else eats anything from that garden," said Applejack. She glanced back, watching as Fluttershy uncomfortably attempted to tell Daisy, Lilly, and Rose that she did not own them.

"So we're going to burn it down?" Twilight guessed.

"Yep."

Twilight considered that. "Fluttershy wouldn't have made a molitov cocktail on her own. This must be the influence of Discord."

"You have to admit, it was useful. Now we don't have to worry about picking all those vegetables and figuring out how to dispose of them."

Twilight nodded. "So what's step two?"

"Well, if everything goes right, that should be it. We get rid of the stuff, and then Fluttershy's problem should be over."

"Nothing is ever that simple."

Applejack sighed. "That's what I'm afraid of."

They soon arrived at the garden and encouraged Fluttershy to set it on fire. Twilight set the wick alight with a spark from her horn and Fluttershy hurled the bottle into the patch of plants. They were all incinerated in a righteous fire of alcohol.

"That was a nice throw, master," complimented Daisy.

Frowning, Applejack commanded, "Fluttershy, look at the sun."

Fluttershy tipped her head back. Her pupils went tiny and her eyes started to water. After a moment, she sneezed.

She promptly changed races.

Twilight threw up her hooves. "Well, that didn't work."

"Got any ideas?" asked Applejack.

Twilight shook her head. "Maybe there's something in a book somewhere. Maybe I'll send a letter to the Princesses and get a vague reply in return. You know, the usual."

The group broke up for the day. Fluttershy went back to her house, still unsure what to do with her three new, completely willing, slaves. Twilight went back to the library. Sir Win returned to his lair. Applejack went back to the farm.

Big Mac was in the barn when she arrived. He was sawing some lumber, laid between the backs of two duplicates Applejack had left there for safekeeping.

He looked up as she came in. Taken aback, Applejack stared for a moment. She shook her head. "Puts a whole new meaning on the word 'sawhorses.'"

Contingency

The girls were poking around the dusty library attic. They were bored. The whole becoming superheros thing was only fun as long as there was crime to fight. This being Ponyville, there wasn’t much. Sure, they got the occasional swarm/herd/singular-but-still-enormous-creature to deal with, or sometimes a powerful magic villain, but as to actual crime, well, they were on something of a dry spell.

As all of them had said at one point or another that things were a lot quieter since Valiant had left.

Not finding any crime, they could at least reorganize the attic. It was something to do. Plus, the place had barely been touched since Twilight had first moved in.

As one would expect in a library, it was full of books. Not enough that Twilight could do like Scrooge McDuck and go for a swim, but there were books everywhere. Some old cardboard boxes and ancient furniture rounded out the cluttered room.

“Are we looking for anything in particular?” asked Bible. He glanced around the room.

“There has to be something useful in all this junk,” Rainbow said, gesturing at the old books. Bible frowned at her.

“I do love antiquing,” commented Rarity. She thought for a moment. “Where is Fluttershy? She might like to be here.”

“Got her hooves full with three slaves,” Applejack replied.

“Oh, right.”

Daisy, Lilly, and Rose had barely left Fluttershy’s side since the whole eating Discord incident, and even then only because she ordered them to. Still, it was nice to have somepony to watch Fluttershy as she dealt with changing races every time she sneezed. Also, the firebombs, but she kept that to herself.

“Some helping hooves would really be great to help clean up,” Pinkie said, happily Scrooge McDucking it in the piles of books.

“Pinkie!” admonished Twilight, “those could be valuable manuscripts, or at the very least, antique romance novels!”

“Oops,” Pinkie said, picking herself up. She cocked her head. “Hey, what’s this?”

There was a wooden trunk buried under the piles of paperbacks. A piece of masking tape on the top had Valiant’s Contingency Box written on it in black marker.

Twilight dusted it off and set it in a clear space in the middle of the room. They all stared at it.

“You know somepony’s going to open it, it’s just a matter of time,” observed Applejack before any of them could ask if they should crack it open.

Twilight rolled her eyes in annoyance but sighed in resignation. “Yeah, I guess. Let’s just get this over with.”

Rarity held up a hoof. “Wait, what does ‘contingency’ mean in this context?”

“Maybe it’s some super secret backup plan Valiant had in case his last scheme didn’t work out,” Pinkie speculated.

“Yeah, but why would he make it so obvious?” Rainbow asked.

“Unless it was some reverse psychology stuff,” Applejack said.

“Then we should totally open it.” Rainbow jumped forward excitedly and threw the lid open. They all crowded forward, eager to see what was inside.

The chest was full of envelopes, small ones only large enough for a small card or note. The envelopes were all labeled. Rainbow picked up one that read Guinness gets too Irish.

There were dozens or maybe hundreds of others. Twilight checked a few, reading their inscriptions aloud. “A new rock band comes to Equestria but they suck, Some idiot clones dinosaurs, Valiant’s long lost family appears.”

“What do you think they could be?” Rarity asked.

Rainbow tore open the Guinness gets too Irish envelope. There was a card inside and she read it, frowning.

“What’s it say?” Twilight asked.

“Apply potato.”

A collective “huh?” went around the room.

Rainbow showed them the card. “That’s what it says.”

“So maybe the actions listed on the cards are contingencies that would be performed in case the thing listed on the envelope happened?” Twilight theorized. “But why?”

“It doesn’t seem like him,” Applejack said. “Valiant planned ahead, sure, but keeping things in nice neat stationery and sealed envelopes doesn’t seem his style.”

“Maybe they were meant for us to find?” Pinkie asked. “Oooh! I love surprises!”

“That’s a scary thought,” Twilight said. She looked at another envelope that read Spike loses his virginity.

“But why would Valiant make plans for us? Rarity asked. She picked up an envelope. “This one says 'Rarity's parents get in the way of the wrong insurance company representatives.'”

“Valiant did say that he wanted Equestria to be stable and such,” said Applejack. She frowned. Valiant had probably used the word stable as a subtle pun.

“And he apparently left contingencies for any possible situation for us to use should the need arise,” Twilight said.

They all were silent. It was hard to puzzle the meaning. Did Valiant truly care about them and wanted them to succeed in his absence?

“But…does that mean these cards are what Valiant wants us to do?” Rarity asked.

“Maybe. Could be,” Applejack speculated.

“What if we don’t?” Twilight said suddenly. “What if we don’t let Valiant control our lives anymore? He’s gone. Let’s take our own lives back. Let’s not let him or his memory affect us any longer.”

“But what if all these cards are very helpful?” Rarity asked. “What if he knows what’s going to happen?”

“If Valiant actually knew the future, then fate is fate and it doesn’t matter what we do,” said Twilight. “But remember, he wasn’t infallible. Sure he planned the entire battle with Tirek all those weeks and months after coming back from space, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t wrong or didn’t get surprised occasionally.”

“Valiant might actually respect us more if we rebel and don’t go looking through all the cards,” Applejack commented.

“Forget Valiant,” Twilight said. “Whatever we do, we should make our own choices. We’re going to be our own ponies from now on. We’re not going to let some psycho alien control us.”

“Hear, hear,” Applejack agreed.

Bible frowned. “‘Some psycho alien?’ Yeah, doesn’t sound like anypony I really want to know, even if I did used to be his book.”

Twilight had a twinge of conscience. She’d grown to really like Bible. He was a fantastic library assistant, courteous, and had been taking magic lessons from her. But he had a connection to Valiant. Every time she saw him, she was reminded of the crazy pony who had apparently played a part in creating him.

But she wasn’t about to throw Bible out in the cold because of that. She could forgive one little flaw like that. Twilight turned back to the group. “So everypony, are we decided?”

“Yep,” said Applejack. “Let’s stuff this thing back in the pile and call it a day.”

So they closed the lid on the chest and did exactly that.

Nopony noticed that one of the envelopes read Everyone decides to not read the contingency notes.

Then again, the note inside merely read Trollololol... so take that however you wish.

The Making of a War Machine

“All right, nerds, this is how you build the perfect autonomous combat drone. Step one, get a brain. Got to have that truly intelligent artificial intelligence. Say hello, Tin Mare.”

“Hello.”

“Step two, format it to be compatible with mission and peripherals.”

“Are you referring to my chassis as peripherals?” asked Tin Mare.

“Considering that you can be undocked and still function at a reasonable level, yes.”

“I cannot fly without external parts.”

“Well, at the very least you can sit here and be a computer. If your main gun holds two hundred and twenty rounds, and you fire half, how many do you have left?”

“One hundred ten.”

“See, you’re good for something. Cheer up.”

“You programed me to be hella lacking in emotion of any kind.”

“Wait a second,” Twilight broke in. “Hella?”

“Valiant wanted me to have a catchphrase but was too lazy to think of an original one.”

“You call him lazy to his face?”

“I am not programmed to lie. And after all, he wouldn’t have invented a war machine to go out and do his work for him if he wouldn’t rather sit at home.”

I shrugged. “You're uncomfortable with murder, Twilight. Surely you think this is better.”

“But you just passed it off to her!” Twilight swept a hoof at the tank where Tin Mare’s noodle floated.

“She’s a robot. Whatever happens to her targets is really more like an industrial accident.”

“Hella,” agreed Tin Mare.

Before Twilight tried to argue again, I talked over her with another interesting tidbit. “She doesn’t know the word very, which forces her to drop the catchphrase more often.”

“How can she not know something we’re talking about?” Twilight asked. “She’s got a brain, she should be able to learn, especially a simple word like very.”

“I was not programed to know that word,” Tin Mare said.

Twilight took on a sly look. “What word?”

“The word that I was hella not programed to know.”

“I think if we keep talkin’ about this, we’ll start goin’ in circles,” Applejack observed.

“Yeah, make with the flying part already,” Rainbow said, gesturing at the blueprints I had set up.

“This is Tin Mare’s flying physical fighting form,” I said. “It’s a jet.”

“How is this different from that vee-toll thing you had?” Rainbow said. “I don’t see any spinny things.”

“It doesn’t need them. It has internal thrusters that make it hover off the ground, and then transition to level flight. It’s faster.”

Rainbow nodded.

Pinkie said, “So, hypothetically, if I were to, say, make out with you, Tin Mare, how would you take that?”

“I would take you as a possible threat.”

“Geeze, most mares just roll over and take it,” Pinkie muttered.

“Though I am told I am female, I have no concept nor interest in gender. Everyone looks the same after they’ve been destroyed.”

“I was hoping you’d consent,” Fluttershy muttered. “Maybe it’s just the chaos talking, but I’d rather Pinkie get it on with a robot than me.”

“Could we go back to the destroyed part?” said Rarity with a frown. “How, ah, exactly do you accomplish that?”

“My chassis features a variety of weapons, including a gatling cannon and a variety of bombs and missiles guided by laser, radar, and GPS.”

“What’s GPS?” Twilight asked.

“It’s a system on the satellites I put up,” I said. “Don’t worry about it.”

“When you of all ponies tell me not to worry, I worry,” said Twilight, staring at me.

I grinned. “Maybe I know that. Maybe you shouldn’t worry, and I said that you shouldn’t worry so that you actually would.”

“Well, you’re still on top of your trolling game,” said Guinness. “You even put Tin Mare in an F-35.”

“It’s not an F-35,” I snapped. “Mine actually works.”

“Sure looks like an F-35,” he said. “It’s got the lift fan, the general shape, the external gun pod that looks like a penis.”

“Lockheed-Martin ain’t got shit on me. And they certainly don’t have anything like Tin Mare. Right?”

“Hella.”

“And you created her through a program of very questionable medical procedures,” Twilight said.

“She would have died otherwise.”

“But I think you have the technology that you could have persevered her sense of self without turning her brain into a component of a war machine.”

“Twilight, you’re assuming. And you know what happens when you’re assuming.”

“It makes an ass out of you and Ming!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Exactly. Screw the Chinese.”

Rehab

“Somepony get a doctor!” Applejack shouted, slamming open the hospital’s front door.

She rushed in, carrying Coloratura on her back, blood dripping on the floor.

“What happened?” asked a nurse, grabbing for a gurney.

“A rock,” said Applejack. “I think? This is how I found her. Please, you gotta help.”

“It’s what we do,” the nurse assured her. “Please have a seat and somepony will be out to talk with you momentarily.”

“Isn’t there anything I can do?” Applejack insisted.

“Do you know anything about facial reconstruction, skin grafts, or ocular surgery?”

“Uh…no.”

“There’s your answer.”

Employees of Ponyville Hospital had Bitchy Nurse down to a science.

Applejack reluctantly sat down in the waiting room. The reality of the situation had started to sink in. There’d been a disagreement. Coloratura had been hurt. To be fair, she’d insulted the Pie family, which was kind of sort of maybe also the Apple family, but to be even more fair, she’d been provoked. There was a rap battle in there somewhere.

To put a long story shorter, Coloratura wanted to use Holder’s Boulder in her show, had traded words with Limestone Pie, and gotten her face caved in by a rock the size of a bowling ball.

Nothing was simple. Applejack sighed. Valiant had said she would be a good leader, but was that what she wanted? Dealing with things like this all the time?

She sighed again. If she didn’t, who would? Who could?

The door was booted open and a filly waving around a sword barged in. “Where is that puta con cara de perro?”

“Are you looking for somepony?” asked the receptionist.

“What’s goin’ on, Cordoba?” Applejack asked.

“What did they do with Starlight Glimmer?” Cordoba demanded. “Is she in the morgue?”

“Rainbow and I personally made sure the body was cremated,” Applejack assured her. “Don’t want that one comin’ back.”

Cordoba relaxed slightly. She looked around and sheathed her cutlass. “Okay.” As if realizing something, she looked at Applejack. “Why are you here?”

“Friend of mine got hurt. Did you meet Coloratura?”

“Un poco.” Cordoba shrugged.

“You don’t strike me as a pop music fan,” said Applejack. “She’s a singer. Wears some real strange outfits.” She frowned, thinking about the damage to Coloratura’s face.

That in itself was worrying. The group of equals-sign ponies that had tried to take over Equestria just recently had all worn masks, many of them to hide facial injury.

A mare came into the waiting room. She wore a lab coat that reached the floor. There was a small gold pin on the lapel, with letters that read SOS. “Who just brought in the most recent patient?”

“Me.” Applejack stood up and went over. “Are you a doctor?”

The mare eyed her. “What, does that surprise you, a female doctor?”

“Huh?” Applejack frowned. “No, why would it? Equestria is mostly female. My friends and I routinely kick more tail than any stallion ever. I’ve watched that filly over there castrate a guy, kill in self defense, and commit a few other acts of violence. Believe me, I’m on board with girl power.”

“If you say so.” The doctor gave her a suspicious look, but let it go. “She was awake enough to tell us her name, though I’ll have to get some more information from you.” She leaned in closer to Applejack and lowered her voice. “Is it really Countess Coloratura, the celebrity?”

Applejack lowered her own voice. “It sure is, and if anypony makes a big deal out of that I’ll make sure y’all regret it. I want her to get her rest.”

“Ponyville is actually a popular place for celebrity rehabilitation,” the doctor said. “It’s a small town where they aren’t as well known and the regular monster attacks and such make for excellent excuses for the news to focus on something else.”

“Did you say rehabilitation?” Applejack asked. “She got hurt, she’s not addicted to anything.”

The doctor nodded. “Whatever you say.”

Applejack gritted her teeth, but changed the subject. “How is she?”

“Well, I’m not going to lie. We’re already past the window for a high-powered magic artifact or transformation to have much effect.”

Applejack nodded. She had some experience with such things.

“The facial bones can be fixed. She might even get away with only minor scarring of the skin. The big issue, though, is her eye. It was crushed.”

“Crushed?”

Annoyed, the doctor replied, “Like a grape, tomato, whatever your chosen fruit. It’s paste. She’s not getting it back. Clear enough?”

Again, Applejack gritted her teeth and changed the subject. “When can I visit her?”

“If she’s awake, soon. We’ll get her stabilized and put her on some painkillers.” The doctor gestured for Applejack to follow her. Cordoba hopped off her seat and came along.

They paused at Coloratura’s room. It was simply marked with a C. That gave Applejack some reassurance that the hospital truly was discrete about celebrities.

The doctor checked with the nurse staff and gave Applejack the go ahead to enter.

Coloratura’s face was wrapped up. Even though she still had one eye, it was mostly covered. Applejack sat at the bedside and touched her hoof. “Hey sugarcube.”

Coloratura moaned. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“You’re supposed to get better.”

“This is going to end my career. They already told me, AJ. About my face. What am I supposed to do? I didn’t even get that egg-shaped boulder, and now I’m going to miss my scheduled tour, on top of being ugly.”

“Come on, you aren’t ugly.”

“Oh, but I’m right about everything else?”

“I was getting to that. Look, sometimes things don’t go the way you want. At least you’ve got plenty of money to pay for this and to live on for a good long while.”

“That’s right,” Coloratura remembered. “Thanks for taking over as my manager, AJ.”

That was right. Applejack had agreed to manage Coloratura’s career after her last agent had been castrated and become a soprano singer in his own right.

“We’ll get through this,” said Applejack. “The best thing for you now is rest.”

Coloratura’s mouth was visible below the bandages and she smiled. “Sure. Wow, these pain meds are sure coming on strong…”

Applejack made a mental note to ensure Coloratura didn’t become addicted and end up back here.

As Coloratura began to snore lightly, hopefully not due to messed up nasal passages, Applejack left the room. She found Cordoba standing at the next door down the hall, whose tag read DS. The door was open and a stallion was lying on the bed inside.

“That’s Donut Steel, the action movie actor,” said Cordoba.

The stallion in question looked up and flashed a brainless smile. “Hey, a fan?”

“What is that thing you say in that one movie?” said Cordoba. “‘I heard you like bananas so I came here to kick your ass.’”

He frowned. “No! That’s not it at all!”

“Sorry,” said Applejack. “She’s not so good with the language.”

“Go be sorry somewhere else.”

Cordoba looked up at Applejack. “I want to kill him.”

Applejack sighed. She hated being in charge.

The Plot Thinnens

Cordoba walked into the hospital. She wore a pair of Valiant’s sunglasses. They’d served him well, and sure enough nobody recognized her.

She headed down the hallway towards where she had last seen Coloratura. It was a door marked with a C, easy enough to find. However, as she approached, she stopped just outside, hearing voices.

“What are we going to do about the AIDS?”

“It’s a problem, but we have bigger issues. Don’t forget about the electronics.”

Cordoba pushed the door open. Two mares wearing long labcoats looked up in surprise. Coloratura was not in the room.

“Where did the patient go?” Cordoba asked.

“Who are you?” one of them asked. The sun through the window glinted on the gold lapel pins both doctors wore.

“What were you doing in an empty patient room discussing weird things?” Cordoba replied.

The two of them glanced at each other before turning back to Cordoba. “We moved Ms. Coloratura down the hall.”

“Okay.” Cordoba turned to go. Something splashed underhoof. Water? Whatever. She headed down the hall.

Coloratura’s new room was easy to find and Cordoba walked in. She pulled out her cutlass and held it over Coloratura’s neck as she lay in bed.

“Who are you?” Coloratura muttered.

Cordoba took off her sunglasses. These things were the perfect disguise. Nobody had even noticed the sword.

“I’m here to kill you for what you’ll do,” Cordoba said.

“What I’ll do? Not what I’ve done?” Coloratura frowned. “Not that I can even think of anything I’ve done.”

“But you will,” said Cordoba. “And so I have come to take my prevenge.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Coloratura’s one good eye looked away. “It would be better than lying in this hospital bed, starving on hospital food. Not to mention the stuff they keep doing to me.”

Cordoba paused. “What stuff?”

“I woke up the other day and found out someone had been sticking things in my eye socket.” Coloratura gestured to her eyepatch. “Bad enough that I’ve lost my career and the hospital is trying to starve me to death. Now somepony is using me as a lab rat.”

Coloratura sighed. “And then you come to kill me for something I haven’t even done yet.”

“So what you’re saying is that death would be a mercy?” Cordoba frowned and then shrugged. “Okay. One living hell coming up.” She put away her cutlass and turned to go.

“Or you could make my life better and then suddenly take it all away,” Coloratura suggested.

Cordoba stopped. “And why should I listen to you?”

Coloratura pulled the sheets back. She’d lost a lot of weight. In addition to the terrible hospital food, something else must have been going on. There was no way a pony could get so scrawny without help.

“Look,” said Coloratura. “Even if I could go out in public with my face like it is, ponies would think I was an anorexic or something and every tabloid would run pictures of my nonexistent posterior. You get me a cheesecake and I’ll do whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?”

“Within reason.”

“Within reason doesn’t really apply,” said Pinkie, coming in with a cheesecake. “She’s one of Valiant’s after all.”

“Where did you get that?” Coloratura asked, her face lighting up.

“Oh, I have cheesecakes stashed all over Ponyville for cheesecake emergencies. Sounds like this situation sure qualifies. Sorry if this one’s a little stale.”

Coloratura’s face fell as she took the first bite. “Yeah, I think it’s spoiled.”

Pinkie tossed the rest over her shoulder and it slapped against the wall, sticking there. “No problem! Let’s go get donuts!”

She pulled Coloratura out of bed, throwing off the various probes and monitors and dragging her towards the door. Coloratura’s spindly legs barely supported her, and sure enough her ass looked like an axe head.

Cordoba stood there for a moment, processing. “Puta flaca mala,” she muttered. Now that Coloratura was out of the hospital, there was nothing to pressure her with. She should have killed her to start with.

Maybe she could team up with whoever was messing with Coloratura. Or kill them to have Coloratura all to herself. Either was a good option.

She should go join Pinkie and Coloratura. If they had donuts, maybe there would be coffee.

To the Tune of Space Jam

Down at Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie and Coloratura were having donuts. Cordoba sat nearby, sipping a cup of coffee.

“So then I said, if you don’t like the sugar, there’s always cumin!” Pinkie laughed. Coloratura frowned as if she didn’t understand the joke but was fairly certain that it was dirty.

Applejack walked in. “There you are, Coloratura. I heard you were out of the hospital. How are you feeling?”

“Well, better. Not best.” Coloratura summoned a weak smile. “Donut?”

“Don’t mind if I do.” Applejack sat down.

Rainbow came in. “Hey AJ, you have to hide me! Rarity is on one of her fashion kicks again and-“

Rainbow was interrupted as Rarity came in. “There you are! Rainbow, you promised you’d help me.”

“How about a donut first?” Rainbow quickly interjected. “After all the chasing me you did, you can justify it.”

Rarity sniffed, but conceded. “All right.”

“And look.” Rainbow pointed out the window. “If you need a pegasus, there’s Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy came in. “Did somepony call me?”

Twilight was right behind her. “Pinkie, there you are. You know a lot about stains, right? There’s something on the couch that I think I’d like to remove.”

“Why did you come to me?” Pinkie asked. “Is it because I have mad sex all the time?”

“Angry sex?” Cordoba asked.

“Crazy sex,” Pinkie corrected. “Crazy good.”

Fluttershy shuddered.

“One thing I miss,” Coloratura murmured. “Since getting famous, I never indulged for fear of somepony making a sex tape.”

Sex tapes actually decrease popularity in Equestria, you see.

“I would have sex with you, if you know what I mean,” said Pinkie, wiggling her eyebrows.

“As your manager, I strongly advise against this,” said Applejack.

“Oh come on, AJ! You totally cock blocked me!” Pinkie complained.

“Cock blocked?” Rainbow said, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, you know, the female equivalent,” said Pinkie. “Twat stopped. Boxed Out. Vajected. Clam jammed. Otherwise, I would have been all like, come on and clam and welcome to the jam!”

“We get it, you’re gay,” said Twilight. “You don’t have to keep pushing your agenda.”

“Agenda? Do I really look like somepony with a plan?” said Pinkie.

“Speaking of plans.” Applejack changed the subject. “How’s this for a plan: we need to do something about Valiant’s body. It’s still sitting in the barn.”

“Do we have to?” said Rainbow.

“It’s starting to smell.”

Twilight broke in. “Related, we need to do something about the couch.”

“You said something about a stain?” said Rarity.

“Well, more like a blemish. Something that shouldn’t be there.”

“Darling, you’re usually so concise. What is it?” Rarity asked.

Twilight sighed. “You really should see it.”

“Roadtrip!” cheered Pinkie.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “We’re going across the street to the library.”

The gang got their last donuts and went to the library. Cordoba excused herself, muttering something that none of the rest understood.

At the library, Twilight showed them the couch. It was just as shabby and run down as they all remembered. However, Twilight pointed at something new.

On the back, screwed delicately to the frame, was a small brass plate engraved with Plymouth Valiant Memorial Couch.

The rest of them burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Twilight grumped.

“It’s just so fitting,” Rainbow chuckled. “Not only was it lying on it comatose like a sack of potatoes arguably his favorite place in the world, who wants a stupid couch to remember them by?”

“And I can see you’re so angry about it,” Applejack guffawed. “But you’re also so afraid of what might happen if you take it off. You know it’ll probably have a booby trap or somethin.’”

“It’s so elegantly done, stuck on a broken, shoddy couch,” tittered Rarity. “One last final petty insult. At that point, it’s so futile that you can’t help but laugh. There’s probably another joke hiding on the back.”

“It’s pretty funny,” agreed Pinkie.

Twilight let out an extended sigh. “So you don’t think I can get rid of it?”

“If you try, let me know so that I can be very far away,” said Fluttershy.

“Well, at least it doesn’t say Valiant did nothing wrong,” Twilight muttered.

In fact, that phrase was carved in strategic locations around the library that Twilight would periodically discover over the coming years.

“Well, moving on,” said Twilight, eager to talk about something else, “Shining and Cadance said they wanted to see us all. Who’s up for a trip to Silent Hill?”

License to Kill

Breakfast in the castle was usually an informal affair. Celestia getting up from bed and Luna going the other direction had developed the meal as a meeting place to get a daily update on each other's lives.

“Is something on your mind this morning, sister?” Luna asked.

Celestia finished a bite of her pancakes before replying. “I was thinking about the former Yakyakistan. Twilight Sparkle has not yet formally accepted the position I offered her as governor.”

“Do you think she will?” Luna asked.

“I think so, eventually. Usually, she’s so eager to please me that she’ll do anything I suggest.” Celestia smirked. “Sometimes I wish I was into mares.”

Luna chuckled. “Has she made any plans? Decided on a new name?”

“Valiant wanted to call it Silent Hill. Fitting, I suppose. It’s a hill of snow that’s gone quiet since it buried the yak civilization.”

“Speaking of Valiant and politics, I’ve heard rumblings that certain shadowy groups have designs to fill the power vacuum he left behind,” said Luna. “Though if the aim is to copy him or merely use his absence to further their own goals I am not sure. I will keep an eye on it. I don’t have to tell you the kind of groups that would seek to imitate or not imitate him. Both come from different sides of the spectrum but could potentially be equally as radical.”

Celestia nodded. “On the previous topic, but just as radical, I was contemplating a way to get Twilight to embrace her role as ruler of the new Yakyakistan.”

“Oh really?” Luna leaned forward, interested.

Celestia smiled. “Issue her blanket immunity.”

Luna considered it. “Twilight Sparkle is no law-breaker.”

“True, but if I told her that she could literally murder somepony and face no repercussions, I would be interested to see what she her reaction. I want to give her a get-out-of-jail-free card, just to see what she would do with it.”

“That would be interesting,” Luna agreed.

Author's Note

New chapter of A Dream coming out within the week. Get hype.

A Day in the Life

The weather was excellent today. Tin Mare calculated the air density and her fuel burn rate. According to message intercepts, a cold front would begin to cover the area in the evening.

Braeburn was the first to arrive that morning. He didn't have much to say. He had previously stated that he simply liked being around her. Tin Mare suspected he would eventually try again to convince her to abandon her directives. In the meantime, he was useful and relubricated her main gearboxes.

He left, telling her to have a good day. Days were not good or bad to Tin Mare, they simply were.

Cordoba appeared next. She, too, seemed to just enjoy hanging out. Cordoba, however, was much more animated and chatty. Tin Mare seemed to be one of the few with whom she took that attitude. With most everyone else, Twilight Sparkle especially, Cordoba was rather dour. Perhaps it was simple teenage angst, or perhaps Cordoba simply considered Tin Mare a better friend than most.

Regardless, she wasn't squeamish about weapons like Braeburn. She loaded Tin Mare's side-mounted rocket pod.

Both of them were even more helpful than they realized. When townsponies saw them interacting with Tin Mare, it helped normalize her hulking metal presence. Tin Mare knew that improving her public relations would make just about everything easier. Granted, a cyborg and Valiant's daughter were perhaps not the best goodwill ambassadors, but better than nothing.

Tin Mare pondered what Cordoba got out of the relationship. With Braeburn, he felt justified in his white knight crusade to help her. Cordoba seemed especially pleased just to be there, and seemed to respect Tin Mare more than she did anyone except perhaps Trixie and Ms. Sunset.

Tin Mare realized that perhaps Cordoba thought of her as a role model. It was a strange choice, and Tin Mare did not believe herself qualified, but she had been programmed with a certain amount of creativity and would attempt to mentor the filly.

Cordoba left, perhaps to get a cup of coffee and attend a friendship lesson. Her making a deal with Twilight to learn about friendship was mildly improbable.

Tin Mare passed the afternoon sitting in the same place. She had no current tasks.

It was just after sunset when she suddenly began preflight checks. The latest pass on the imagery satellite had revealed something on infrared, now that the sun had set and the air was cooler.

Tin Mare's sophisticated sensor fusion equipment effectively gave her more situational awareness than any other entity on the planet. The Equestrian government had obtained the gear to intercept signals but was only able to grab snippets from the many listening devices installed by Valiant. They either couldn't downlink from the imagery satellite or didn't know it existed. They certainly couldn't task it. In the wake of Valiant's death, it had seemed prudent to maintain the ability to control the satellite. Since Tin Mare had been moved to the larger chassis, she had room to take the equipment onboard.

She spun up her engines and got airborne, heading out over the Everfree Forest. The mysterious cold spot picked up by the satellite infrared hadn't been identified due to the cloud cover of the incoming cold front. Tin Mare wanted to get her camera on it. Her whole reason for being was to eliminate threats, and part of that was determining whether something was a target. A large, moving cold spot may not end up being dangerous, but was definitely worth investigating to make sure.

She ducked below the clouds, scanning. A large equinoid creature made its way among the trees below.

Recalling long-stored information from her organic brain, Tin Mare decided it must be a windigo, a winter spirit that fed off fighting and hatred. The more hate the spirit felt, the colder things became.

Clearly, a dispassionate robot was the ideal choice to fight an emotion-based monster. What it was doing near Ponyville was anyone's guess, but allowing it closer to the town was in no one's best interest. Tin Mare armed her weapons.

Cannon rounds would likely not harm a ghostly translucent windigo. It was fortunate that rockets were generally labeled for use on "all accessible targets."

And on ghosts? The burning white phosphorous rounds should do nicely.

The windigo noticed her, but apparently was not interested. Tin Mare lined up the laser guidance and pickled the first rocket, which streaked to the target.

That got the windigo's attention, as chemical compounds burning at 5,000 degrees tend to.

And the windigo went up in flames, as monsters set on holy fire tend to.

It's actually the "fire" part of that statement that's important, not the "holy." Valiant built blessed ability into Tin Mare, but it didn't come in handy very often because Equestrian monsters tended to not be on either side of the whole heaven v. hell issue.

Problem dealt with, Tin Mare returned to base. It had been a day.

SongStuck

Cordoba sat in the pub, moodily staring at the cup of coffee in front of her. “Sometimes I wish I had been named Plymouth RoadRunner, so my crime-fighting alter ego could be called Superbird.”

Twilight stared at her, opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it and shook her head. She had been trying to reconcile with Cordoba since the filly had gone cavorting about on Earth with Trixie and Daring.

Cordoba checked herself in the mirror behind the bar. “I should have used more eyeliner today. You know, I’ve always thought you could kill someone with an eyeliner pencil, but I’ve never actually tried.”

Then again, maybe reconcile was too strong a word, Twilight thought.

Guinness came over and topped up Cordoba’s cup. “How are you ladies today?”

“Just another day exploring friendship,” said Twilight with forced cheerfulness.

Guinness went off to do some busy work around the bar. A table polished, a glass cleaned, a verse of Yellow Submarine hummed.

Pinkie and Rainbow came in, giggling about something. This usually signaled the beginning of one of their prank tours. Deciding it was better to be informed, just in case, Twilight asked, “What are you two up to?”

“We had an idea for a prank so epic that it could only be done on ourselves in the past,” said Pinkie. “Nopony else would truly appreciate it.”

“So we had to figure out how to go back in time,” said Rainbow. “If I strap some of Valiant’s old rockets to me, I should be able to fly around the planet fast enough to turn it back.”

Twilight stared at them. “That’s not how it works.”

“I thought you might be that way because you’re kind of a downer like that,” said Pinkie. “So I had an idea for preserving spells. You can freeze potions like ice cubes. Or better yet, keep magic in a glass bottle because as we all know magic can be grounded by metal so an insulator like glass should be able to keep it fresh and ready to go.”

“That-” Twilight paused. “Is maybe plausible.”

“But who wants to do boring magic?” said Rainbow.

“I’m just pointing out that magic is a better solution than your physically impossible idea,” said Twilight.

“Oh, come on, Twilight,” said Pinkie. “We were just having a little fun with our little walnut brains, but I’m sure your big coconut could come up with something better.”

“I’m just saying that time magic is a very delicate and dangerous spell. You even have to be careful when you’re forming it in your mind prior to applying will and releasing it. Even Starswirl the Bearded had trouble with it.”

“So you’re probably forming the spell in your head right now?” said Pinkie.

“It helps me to think about and better describe the effects of a spell’s magic,” said Twilight. “A complicated spell is like an entire book. You have to focus on the intended outcome – time travel, in this case – how that would be implemented, the amount of magical effort required, proper formation, and-”

Pinkie goosed Twilight under the tail. Twilight squeaked and reflexively fired a spell, directly into the glass bottle Pinkie held up. She promptly corked it, the magenta glow of Twilight’s magic inside. “There, one time spell in a bottle!”

“You can’t…!” Twilight stuttered, but Pinkie and Rainbow were already out of the building.

“They totally played you,” said Cordoba.

Twilight glanced at her in annoyance. “Be that as it may, this is bad. Those two know enough to be dangerous. Very literally. And not enough to be responsible. We’ve got to stop them before they break the universe or something.”

Cordoba started to draw her cutlass.

“And we can’t hurt them.”

“There goes seventy, maybe eighty percent of my solutions.”

Twilight thought for a moment. “Okay then, let’s call this an exercise in friendship creativity. Solve the problem, with no death or carnage.”

“So, hard mode, basically.”

“It’s not hard. I do it all the time.”

Cordoba rolled her eyes. “Your hard mode is doing something without a checklist.”

Twilight started to protest, but it was true.

“When you catch up to my wife, tell her dinner’s at six,” said Guinness.

“You seem unconcerned, considering that she and Pinkie might be about to destroy the universe,” said Twilight.

Guinness frowned. “True, but that idea Pinkie had about frozen potions was so good that I’ve already made some up and accidentally dosed myself with a sedative potion.”

“Yay!” said Skyla.

They left him there and exited the pub. Cordoba glanced up and down the street. “How do you want to do this?”

“First we have to find them and then we have to convince them that what they’re doing is a really bad idea.”

“Not too hard. I mean, about the first part.” Cordoba pointed. Pinkie’s bushy tail was poking out of a bush nearby.

“Pinkie!” Twilight called.

The bush rustled.

“I know you’re in there,” said Twilight. “I need you to come out and give me that bottled spell.”

Nothing happened.

“Could you go over there and extricate her?” said Twilight to Cordoba. “And don’t hurt her.”

“I know what you’re doing. You want me to be the one who gets cake or whatever smashed in my face when she suddenly bursts out of the bush,” said Cordoba.

“That wasn’t-” Twilight prostested.

“Here’s a better idea. Use magic. It got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out?”

“I’m surprised you would suggest that. It’s not how your father did things at all.”

Cordoba shrugged. “As you once said, I’m not him. One of the ways he trolled you was by being anti-magic. I like seeing you flustered, but doing it myself just isn’t any real challenge. So if magic’s the best idea, then whatever.”

Twilight turned to the bush and pulled it away from Pinkie. “There you are. Give back that magic!”

Pinkie winked and said in a loud whisper, “I’m the decoy.”

“And I’m going fast so maybe when we uncork this magic we’ll go further!” shouted Rainbow, zooming by with the spell-in-a-bottle.

“That’s now how-” Twilight started to protest, but Rainbow grabbed Pinkie by the hoof and popped the cork on the bottle. A glowing portal opened in front of them and the two went straight through.

“They played you again,” said Cordoba.

“You were the one that pointed out Pinkie behind the bush!”

“Yeah, but I’m not the one who cares.”

Twilight carefully controlled her breathing. Cordoba irritated her, and the worst part was, she wasn’t actually trying like Valiant would have. To distract herself, Twilight walked over to the portal. Her frustration immediately changed to worry.

“What are we going to do?” Cordoba asked. “Are we going through?”

“There’s no telling what might happen if we don’t fix this,” said Twilight. “They probably haven’t gone far.”

They stepped through. The other side of the portal looked much the same as the Ponyville they had left. Twilight walked over to a newspaper machine. “It’s still today. Based on the position of the sun, we’ve only gone back an hour, if that.”

“What’s the farthest they could have gone?” said Cordoba.

“I’ve never done time magic for more than a week,” said Twilight. “Even Starswirl the Bearded didn’t do much more than that. It would take a lot of power, magic that even I don’t have.”

“What’s the theoretical limit?” Cordoba asked. “Starlight Glimmer was the most powerful unicorn in Equestria and she sent us back years.”

“I don’t know if I would say she was the most powerful.”

“She figured out spells that you couldn’t, and easily held off you and others in battle,” Cordoba pointed out. “You should be grateful to me for killing her, so you could be the most powerful unicorn in Equestria.”

“She may have figured out a few things,” said Twilight. “I haven’t investigated her spells.”

“So with her spells, and if you’re as powerful as you say, how far back could you go?”

“Why are you so interested in going back in time?” Twilight asked.

Cordoba stared at her. “You know why.”

“I think we have something more important right in front of us,” Twilight hastily pointed out. “We don’t know what Rainbow and Pinkie could be up to, so we need to solve this problem as soon as possible.”

“You know, the longer you wait on this, the harder it becomes to go back,” said Cordoba. “You’re just stalling for time so you can eventually say too much time has passed and there’s no time spell strong enough to go back and save my father. Some most powerful unicorn in Equestria you turned out to be.”

“It’s the same issue!” Twilight argued. “We can’t let the past be changed! There’s no telling what might happen!”

“My dad would fix it,” Cordoba pointed out.

“He didn’t fix his own death,” Twilight countered. “If the forces that wanted him dead and were powerful enough to do it found out things had changed, imagine the destruction they could bring trying to redo it.”

“So?”

“Don’t you understand? You would literally be ripping all of existence apart for the sake of one pony who most everypony thinks is – to borrow a human expression – worse than Hitler?”

“He did nothing wrong!” Cordoba shouted. “My dad, I mean.”

Twilight felt a little prickle along her backbone. She didn’t look, but figured she might have started to smolder. There was no changing Cordoba’s mind.

“Look, I…” Twilight sighed. “I’m not powerful enough. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“What I want is my dad back.”

Twilight didn’t really have a response to that, but just then, Pinkie and Rainbow appeared at the end of the street. “There they are!” Twilight exclaimed. “Hey you two! Stop!”

“Aw darn, it’s the fun police,” said Pinkie as Twilight and Cordoba approached.

“Whatever you’re planning, it’s not worth it,” said Twilight. “Just come back with us and we can not destroy the continuity of the universe together.”

“We were just about to put our plan into action,” Rainbow said. “We found this old mixtape Valiant made and were going to prank our past selves into thinking that he was back.”

“That doesn’t sound funny at all,” said Cordoba.

“Well, we’re smart enough not to have done it to you, so we have that going for us,” said Pinkie.

That did display remarkable intelligence, Twilight privately agreed.

“But now, we’ve kind of missed our opportunity,” said Rainbow. “By now, our past selves have probably already found the tape and come up with the plan to go back in time.”

“I want to listen to the tape,” said Cordoba.

“It is kind of yours anyway,” Pinkie agreed. She held up a portable tape player.

I’m the opposite of subliminal

Unbelievably criminal

Delightfully cynical

Taken in small doses–that’s clinical

Quickly reaching critical

Levels of radiation

Selflessly bringin’ democracy to this nation

I’ve died on two different planets, survived both times

Oft-times needed to bring a plan back on-line

Back to the tracks, as it were, makin’ it fine

Won’t overlook the chance to make a shiny dime

Yes, some of what I do is considered crime

By my–quote, unquote–superiors

I’ve got a lot of plans, many-a them with ulteriors

Constructin’ WMDs and robots

For me, they’re as easy as Roblox

Time to Lego, you know that I won’t stop

Tech and violence put me on top

Armed and dangerous, turnin’ your armies to slop

For the pigs to feast on

Like the Mafia got a cleanup groupon

I’ve got an artificially-intelligent jet

In this world, I’m the Yankees, you’re the Mets

Fillies and gentlecolts, place your bets

‘Cause you know I can nail you without sex

You’re double-dribble, I’m nothin’ but net

Dunkin’ over your head

Puttin’ rumors to bed

“So anyway,” said Pinkie, “Since we missed our chance to prank our past selves, maybe we could go to the future instead.”

“Does that make sense?” Rainbow asked.

“Does it have to?” Pinkie held up the bottle of magic, which still appeared to have some inside. “We’ll have to figure out how to get this think working again. Now maybe if I held it this way…”

Another portal opened up and they went through.

Twilight let out an extended groan of frustration. “Come on, Cordoba.”

“Hang on,” said Cordoba. “The two of us from this time have probably already gone through the first portal, right?”

Twilight considered it. “Probably.”

“Then we should stop by the pub and finish our drinks. There’s no telling what the future might be like.”

Twilight started to protest, but the pub was literally next door and Cordoba was already headed that direction. She hurried after her.

They walked in. Guinness was slumped on the bar. He blinked at them, but didn’t move.

“Okay, let’s just finish them and go,” said Twilight, picking up her beverage.

Cordoba flipped over the paper she had been drawing on earlier. It read Shut up, Twilight.

“Ordinarily, I’d be impressed by your foresight, but it becomes a little bit less striking when we’re currently dealing with time travel,” said Twilight.

Cordoba scowled and slugged her coffee. It was cold, and she scowled more.

Guinness murmured something that neither of them caught. It sounded like the tune of Yellow Submarine. Cordoba paused near him. Twilight reached the door and looked back, beckoning. Cordoba followed her out.

The portal was right there, and they went through.

The scene they found on the other side stopped both of them in their tracks. It was not immediately apparent how far into the future they had gone, but Ponyville had changed radically.

It was somehow even more technicolor than before and everyone around town dressed in mod, or perhaps beatnik. For the benefit of those who didn't live through the '60s, the style was characterized by poofy and flower print and bold primary colors and scooters. And how.

Somewhere in the background played faint strains of Yellow Submarine.

They caught up with Pinkie and Rainbow again. Pinkie seemed to be in high spirits, but Rainbow suddenly looked unsure about the future.

“There you are!” Twilight called. “Come on, this is no place for us.”

“Well, messing up the future is still a lot better than messing up the past,” Pinkie pointed out.

“How far in the future are we?” Cordoba asked.

“At least half a week,” said Pinkie. “Even Ponyville couldn’t have undergone a complete subculture revolution in one day.”

A mare wearing a couderoy jacket and small sunglasses approached. “You there! Stop being ungroovy this instant.”

Rainbow scoffed. “I’m not groovy, I’m awesome.”

“That does it.” The mare summoned a few burley stallions to back her up. “Which one of you is the HMFC around here?”

“Me!” Cordoba said.

“What does HMFC stand for?” Twilight asked.

“Head mane-fondler in charge.”

“Me!” Pinkie said.

“I think she was actually asking for the leader, in which case that would be me,” said Twilight.

“Throw her in jail,” the mare ordered.

“Um…!” Twilight quickly backpedaled as the enforcers closed in. “Girls, we need to do something!”

“They’re playing some of that music Guinness likes,” said Rainbow. “Maybe that’s how the future got this way.”

“Let’s play my dad’s tape!” Cordoba suggested.

Torn between going to jail in an alternate future or listening to Valiant rap, Twilight had to think about it. But facing arrest, she ultimately said, “Do it!”

“Play what tape?” asked the mod mare. She saw Rainbow holding it. “Confiscate that!”

Rainbow tossed it to Cordoba, who caught it mid-air. The mod mare called out a warning and ponies began to pour into the area from all over.

Cordoba glanced off in the distance, towards a radio tower that was apparently the source of the music. The sky and especially the ground were becoming crowded. She tugged her bandana, the one with teeth printed on it she’d gotten on Earth, over her mouth and took off.

The feathers she’d lost fighting Starlight Glimmer had come back, but Cordoba was still getting re-used to them. According to testing, she had above average wingpower but below average manuverability. No wonder she felt kinship with Tin Mare.

Fortunately, it was a straight shot to the tower. The big problem was the ponies who kept getting in her way. While she may not have been as good at carving corners as Rainbow, Cordoba could juke her compact frame well enough to avoid being grabbed.

Did you see what we did there? “Juke” used as a pun in a music-themed narrative?

There was a small building at the base of the tower that Cordoba headed towards. The door was locked, but she wedged her cutlass into the latch and pried it off.

The inside wasn’t well furnished, but the broadcasting equipment was obvious. Cordoba yanked the tape that had been playing on a loop, replacing it with the one she held.

She was just about to press play when a group of ponies intent on stopping her barged through the door. “Get her!”

Cordoba flicked the play button with her tail and crouched low as the song began. “Who would like to be first?”

Twilight had challenged her to do this without violence, and for the most part she was successful, ducking punches and dodging unicorn spells. The smart thing to do would be just leave, but she couldn't let them stop the tape.

The whole scene would have been a lot more dramatic if they'd been able to actually hear the song playing, but it was a radio signal broadcast station, not a concert hall.

Ultimately, Cordoba's self control slipped and she bucked an adversary across the room. That in itself wouldn't have been a serious disqualification, but the switch panel he slammed into arcing electricity through his body sure was.

The lights immediately went out. The broadcast equipment went dark. Cordoba grumbled.

While the rest of the ponies in the crowded room fumbled around, she went over and picked up the lightly charred body from where it had fallen. Hoisting it into the air to avoid conductivity through herself, she jammed it back into the switchboard.

The lights came back on and the fight continued, though after the first manslaughter, the others' hearts weren't really in it. Cordoba ran them out of the building.

She came out, faintly hearing the song playing from someone's nearby radio. Pleased with herself, she headed back for the others.

“Not exactly what we were planning to do, but a prank well done regardless.” Pinkie placed her hooves on her hips and nodded.

“This seems like it goes way beyond a prank,” said Twilight. “How were you even planning to play a prank on your future selves anyway? And more importantly, this doesn’t exactly look like the best possible future Equestria.”

“That’s a problem for future us,” said Cordoba.

Twilight hesitated, but was ultimately forced to agree. Making changes to the future wasn’t really a productive thing to do. The four of them went back through the portal to present day and it closed behind them.

“I need to relax and ruminate on the potential crisis averted,” said Twilight.

“Some of the potions Guinness made could help,” offered Cordoba.

“I think I’d like to do it a more natural way,” said Twilight. “I need to keep my wits so we can talk this out and make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

When they entered the library, Spike was groaning and knocking his head on the wall.

Twilight hurried over to him. “What’s wrong?”

“This song, I can’t get it out of my head! I heard it over at the pub when I went for lunch.”

Twilight and Cordoba traded glances. Cordoba grinned and Twilight rolled her eyes. “I’ll get my earplugs.”

Cordoba’s version of the song suffered from lack of music and her accent, but it got the point across and displaced Yellow Submarine while not being spellbinding enough to overcorrect the future. Probably.

Afterwards, she joined Twilight in the kitchen. There was tea and a small plate of basic cookies. Cordoba sat down and shook her head at Twilight’s offer. She frowned at the lack of coffee, but she knew Twilight didn’t keep any around. Rather unaccommodating for the student she was trying to teach friendship, Cordoba had pointed out in the past.

“So walk me through how you solved the problem,” said Twilight. “Not that I believe playing your father’s rap was necessarily better than what it replaced, but at least it wasn’t fueling a strange cultural phenomenon.”

“Well, after I got the tape, I went to the radio station and played it,” said Cordoba. “There was some resistance.”

“What did you do?”

“I stopped them from stopping the tape.”

Twilight set down her teacup. “How?”

“Well, first I just kept them busy, but then one of them got a little too close and I kicked him. He got electrocuted, which I didn’t mean to happen. After that, the others decided not to mess with me.”

“You killed somepony else.” Twilight let out a deep sigh. “We’ve talked about this.”

“I was trying not to. I said I didn’t mean to.”

Twilight looked at her for a long moment. “I believe you. I hate that I have to say this, but you’re usually pretty up front about murders.”

“It wasn’t even premeditated.”

Twilight carefully chose her words. “Thank you for being honest. And...thank you for trying.”

They sat there in silence for a moment. Twilight sipped her tea. She thought for a moment and said, “I had a few ideas for a new friendship lesson, something I was working on before this whole time issue happened.”

Cordoba held up a piece of paper.

“That’s the same note from earlier,” Twilight said, staring unamusedly at Shut up, Twilight written on it.

“Hmm? Oh.” Cordoba turned it around. The other side said the same thing.

Author's Note

This started out as a reference to a post I saw on the @SeinfeldToday Twitter but turned into something much different based on your comments when I asked for ideas. Thanks.
Rap written by MonolithiuM.

Relevant:

Source

not the bees

Twilight was not pleased by the rocket launch in the middle of the night.

That was by design. If she was pissed off, she would be more likely to overlook the reason for launching.

The Princesses had to realize that now that I was back, I was going to want control over the satellites again. I certainly did, but I wasn't stupid. They had gotten access to the satellite downlinks while I was gone, and there was no way they would willing give up that capability. It was a treasure trove of intel. I was sure that by now the Equestrian Government had either dupicated the downlink equipment or installed backdoors. Cutting them off would be hard to do.

So I wasn't doing that. I was going to let them have their own terminals. Satellites had a lot of non-spy purposes, like land management and weather prediction. Not that Equestria really needed either of those things, but it's the thought that counted.

And I was trying to get whatever favors I could. It still looked bad that the guy who was Santa Claus' chief naughty/nice arbiter was himself on the naughty list.

So that's why I opened the door when Twilight came knocking in the middle of the night.

“Kind of late, isn't it?” I said, meeting her at the door.

“Kind of late to be launching space rockets, isn’t it?” she shot back.

“Oh, you heard that?”

“You live next door!”

“Twilight, you of all ponies should know to be more precise than that.”

“Valiant, you of all ponies should know a figure of speech when you hear one. I know you don’t live directly next door. But with a rocket that big, I can’t help but hear it halfway across town, and I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t launch them in the middle of the night!”

“It’s always night in outer space,” I pointed out.

“Did I hear something about outer space?” said Cordoba. She poked her head out the door.

Twilight started when she saw Cordoba, but relaxed. After the battle with Twi-minator, Cordoba had required some recovery, but was now back to her old self.

“We’re talking about the necessary orbit path that required a launch at this particular time,” I said.

“That wasn’t what we were talking about,” said Twilight, “but now that you’ve brought it up, why exactly did you have to launch now?”

“You can think of it like a planet monitoring service,” I said.

“Like your spy satellites?”

“No.” It was going to be way better than that. “I call it the the Ocular Topographic Understanding System. It’s going to help us learn more about the planet and universe. There’s still a lot to know and learn, and natural resources that we can both use and responsibly conserve.”

Twilight gave me a look. “Since when are you an environmentalist?”

“Hey, even I recognize that we don’t have infinite resources.”

“It should go without saying that I don’t trust you, Valiant. I don’t believe you’re being completely philanthropic here.”

I shrugged. “Would I tell you I nicknamed it the admittedly sinister-sounding OCTOPUS if I had something to hide? I wouldn’t be telling you that if I had some sinister purpose.”

“You’re not actually telling me anything, that’s just the name reduced to an acronym!” Twilight protested. “And yes, I think you would anyway.”

I shrugged. “I could stand here and argue with you, but it’s time to give Cordoba her expresso and get her to bed.”

Twilight shook her head and walked away. I closed the door.

“So are you ever going to tell her the true purpose of OCTOPUS?” Cordoba asked.

“What, the part about how it’ll intercept and modify the signals of the government-controlled satellites, or the prompt global strike ability?”

“If she keeps asking around, I’m sure she’ll eventually figure it out,” said Cordoba.

“Maybe. Looks like we need a false flag to throw her off.” I paused and considered it. “Actually, that’s a great idea. We’ll have lots of false flags. It’s going to be like Conspiracy Theories ’R Us up in here. If I do it right, they’ll play off each other until nothing sounds too ridiculous and all blame is completely directed elsewhere.”

“The problem then becomes that everyone will just go ahead and accuse you without proof because it’s easier than pursuing the supposed truth,” said Cordoba.

“But I’ll take that into consideration and have a counter.”

“There’s the possibility that they will see through that and know you’re still overall responsible.”

“They might plan around me planning around their plan to plan around my plan,” I said. “But these are ponies we’re talking about. There’s no way they’ll plan that I’ll have a plan to counteract their plan to plan for subversion of my plan to circumvent their plan.”

“But what if they do?”

I ruffled her mane. “I’m planning for that, too.”

I headed to the back room where the orbit monitoring system was located. Sunset lounged at the controls. The system was pretty highly automated and mostly took care of itself. There wasn't much up there, so I wasn't too worried about collisions. Though it might be a good idea to get a space radar or something to track things more accurately.

“This launch brings the constellation to three,” Sunset said. “Half a dozen more and we’ll have complete control.”

I nodded. “The challenge then becomes keeping OCTOPUS secret. We’ll need a whole ‘nother layer of encryption.”

“What if we don’t?” said Cordoba. “We could just tell everyone and they won't believe us if we make it unbelievable enough.”

“Maybe, but I would still feel better with some encryption. Hey, do you know the phonetic alphabet? Able, Baker, Charlie, Dog...”

“Wasn’t that replaced with an updated version?” said Sunset.

“Even better.” I smiled. “I hope you like bees, because we’re going to spell our way into secrecy.”

Author's Note

Remember this, or at least the end. It'll be funny in about a year.

Rods From God

All right, here we go, a note for future Valiant, (i.e. you) to regard standard procedures. When you get drunk, you may wonder why this recording is on an old-school magnetic tape. Remember that it’s so it can’t be hacked. Do not, I repeat, do not go digital.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about the issue at hand: tits. I don’t know where all these little birds came from, just make sure to get either Fluttershy or Cordoba on it.

Next up, “Rods from God,” a nickname for prompt global strike capability originating from the OCTOPUS satellite network.

The system consists of tungsten carbide rods the size of telephone poles that will be dropped from satellites to strike the ground at hypersonic speed. Given the mass and velocity, a lot of energy will be imparted to the target. I don’t usually go for less explosives, but in this case they actually wouldn’t make much of a difference. An object that weighs that much going Mach 20 is going to pack a pretty big punch, to understate it by a shitload.

There are a couple of problems to sort out with that first. One is a cover story. Rods from God is going to get someone’s attention, so I’m going to make up something even more ridiculous. In that case, “Rods from God” will refer to Celestia bestowing mares with manhood. I’ll present legislation that allows it by law, under the guise of Columbia and Merry May not wanting to feel singled out by their collective uniqueness.

Knowing Celestia, though, she’d get a kick out of it so much that she might not only make it legal but compulsory. I’m honestly not sure how Equestrian citizens would take that. There is a pretty big mare-stallion imbalance in population. But then again, they are simple folk and extraneous penises might not be widely accepted.

Penises, peni? Dunno what the plural on that one is. Don’t care.

So maybe a better idea would be to present the aforementioned plan to Twilight instead. I’m sure she wouldn’t go for it at all. Better yet, she would then ignore anything else she sees about it.

Another problem with Rods from God is that rockets for space lift are ridiculously expensive, even if you do own a petroleum company. Twilight’s going to notice a dip in profits on the shareholder’s report. Maybe I can tell her I put it towards upgrades at that casino they stole in Las Pegasus. She’ll wonder why I’m doing things to a casino the government owns and I don’t, but at least it’ll shift the focus off the satellites.

Also, when Rods from God is online, I’m going to have to test it. But where? Someone would notice a square kilometer of land just vanishing.

Maybe Silent Hill. There’s nothing there, and if Twilight ever found out I could pass it off as advanced anti-avalanche activity. Alliteration.

I wonder if Princess Luna still wants me to do her dirty work? I know I’m not her only agent, but now that I’m back I can start up again. I’ll have to ask her. Twilight doesn’t need to know about that, either, but if she noses in I can just pass it off as government work.

Oh shit. Twilight loves government work. Well, at least telling her it’s for the Princesses will get her to back off.

I can’t really use that same excuse for Rods from God because this isn’t a sitcom no matter how much it appears to be one, and checking out my lie is a simple matter of communication.

Hmm, maybe this is actually a sitcom. Twilight still hasn’t figured out that Cracker is actually Princess Celestia in disguise.

Using the giant voice from the sky to play a laugh track whenever I make a pop culture reference would really piss her off.

Cordoba Kills Someone With an Eyeliner Pencil

Twilight showed Cordoba the flyer. “The castle is hosting a fancy party and we’re going.”

Cordoba looked at her. “Are you going to try to make it into a friendship lesson?”

“Admittedly, I just wanted to go to a fancy party. But yes, I will be. You need to learn how to be social and interact with a wide variety of ponies.”

Cordoba sighed. “Do I have to get dressed up?”

“Yes, it’s a fancy party.”

Cordoba let out another extended sigh.

Twilight shook her head. “I can’t figure out why, if you’re a robot, Valiant programmed you to act just like a teenager.”

“Such are the mysteries of life.”

“Honestly, I think a bigger mystery was why he programmed you to speak Spanish when he himself doesn’t.”

“Yes, but I don’t get why tu eres más feo que el culo de un mono.”

“I live in a library,” Twilight pointed out. “It was pretty easy for me to start learning Spanish.”

“Even better.”

Twilight realized her plan may have backfired.

Fortunately, her plan to go to the fancy party at the castle was still on track. She made Cordoba get a dress.

The one Cordoba picked out was plainly decorated, but bright orange.

“I don’t think this is the normal kind of thing worn to these kind of parties,” said Twilight. “Plus, I’m not even Rarity but I can see that clashes with your natural coloring.”

“I don’t care. I like it.”

It was Twilight’s turn to sigh. “Nevermind. Let’s do our makeup.”

“I’m already done.”

“You wear eyeliner every day,” Twilight pointed out.

“So?”

“Let’s at least do your mane.”

Twilight hummed as she considered what to do. “You don’t really have a whole lot of length. It might be best to just put it up. I could maybe find some decorative chopsticks.”

“I have eyeliner pencils,” Cordoba offered.

“Not exactly what I was looking for,” said Twilight. “Maybe they’ll do for now until I can find something else.”

As she worked, Cordoba asked, “So why are you going to all this trouble?”

“I told you. For a friendship lesson, and to go to a fancy party.”

“Why aren’t you going with your friends? Rarity has to know about the party.”

“She’s busy,” said Twilight.

“Are all your friends busy?”

“Some coincidence happened and they were all busy. Most of them wanted to go, though you know how Rainbow is about fancy parties.”

Twilight finished putting up Cordoba’s mane. “There! Now do me.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Oh, well, let me show you!” Twilight was invested in teaching as always, but there seemed to be a little extra pep in her attitude.

“What’s with you?” Cordoba asked. “Are you just really into doing girly stuff?”

“What’s wrong with that?” Twilight asked.

“Nobody’s around to see. You know I don’t care.”

“I like doing girly stuff for me,” said Twilight.

“I just said I don’t care. Whether that’s true or not, you don’t have to tell me.”

“What do you mean, ‘whether that’s true or not?’”

“You said you like doing girly stuff. That’s either true, or you’re either knowingly or unknowingly telling a falsehood to conceal the fact that you’re uncomfortable in your skin and would rather present yourself in a much different way but are constrained by societal norms.”

If it had been anybody but Twilight, that run-on sentence of a statement would have been hard to follow.

Twilight replied, “I just like being girly. Don’t read too much into it.”

Cordoba shrugged. “I suppose if you were too tomboyish, Pinkie might take it as an invitation. Anyway, gender roles aren’t really a big deal around here. My father saw to that.”

“I agree with your comment about gender roles, but fail to see how Valiant had anything to do with it.”

“Who else jacked Applejack, made Guinness a practically single father, and added and subtracted a few genitals to various deserving or undeserving ponies?”

Twilight was forced to concede the point.

Cordoba finished doing Twilight’s mane. It wasn’t perfect, but it had been her first ever attempt.

“That’s not bad, I can do some touchups,” said Twilight. “But if we want to get there on time, we should get going.”

She started for the door, but stopped and turned around. “No weapons.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You heard me. Leave all your weapons here.”

Cordoba sighed aggressively and rolled her eyes, but dropped a short sword and folding knife out from under her dress.

“Is those all your weapons?”

“All the weapons, yes.”

Something about how she said it gave Twilight pause, but she decided she didn’t want to know.

They caught a ride into Canterlot onboard Tin Mare. It was not exactly the fancy carriage one generally expected when arriving at fancy parties. Cordoba seemed to enjoy herself, though. Tin Mare was fancy, even if it wasn’t the way Twilight wanted.

And a seventeen ton death machine landing in the castle courtyard made for an entrance that was hard to beat.

Tin Mare let them off and went to park herself. Twilight finished fixing her mane after the downdraft of the rotors and walked with Cordoba towards the castle entrance. “Remember, you’re here to socialize. Be talkative, but keep your opinions to yourself. Keep your facts to yourself, come to think of it. And let me stress, no killing.”

“You keep telling me that. But sometimes I have to.”

“I’ve gone my whole life without the intention to murder anypony. You’re – however old you are – and you do it all the time.”

“I’m good at it.”

“But you shouldn’t. Talent has nothing to do with it.”

“Does that mean special talents derived from cutie marks are also meaningless?”

Twilight hesitated. “That’s…different. But honestly, special talents don’t guarantee a job and place in life. My special talent is magic and I’m both a librarian and Governor of Silent Hill.”

“Some job you’re doing of that.”

Twilight bit back a response as they entered the crowd.

Cordoba kept a suspicious look on her face. She was probably scanning for threats. If she was as sophisticated a piece of hardware as Valiant implied, surely her processor could handle multitasking. Then again, perhaps focus was sometimes a good thing. “Cracker is right behind you.”

Twilight eep’d in surprise and turned to see her acquaintance Cracker standing there. “Oh, hello. I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“I decided to come,” said Cracker. “Though it doesn’t look like this party will be very memorable.”

“Be careful what you wish for,” Twilight implored.

Cracker said goodbye and moved away to apparently find something more interesting to do. Twilight turned back around, not seeing Cordoba where she had been.

Slightly panicked, she looked around, spotting her over by the refreshments. Twilight calmed. Cordoba was probably getting some coffee. Still, a snack sounded good, and she headed over. She arrived in time to behold Cordoba pulling one of the eyeliner pencils out of her mane and attacking a stallion near the refreshments table.

Twilight yanked her off with magic, but Cordoba had already riddled her target’s jugular with the sharp point of the pencil. He breathed his last, dying in a pool of his own blood moments later, right in front of the horrified eyes of everyone at the party.

“It’s okay!” said Cordoba, so the crowd could hear. “He double-dipped the guacamole.”

Source

Ice Cold

Twilight slammed the door open and stormed in. “This is going too far, Valiant!”

I stared at her and sighed. “I’m a busy man, Twilight. Please be a normal nerd and say exactly what you mean in well-structured paragraphs so that I may better understand what the hell you’re talking about.”

“Bella Brella,” she spat.

“What’s that?”

“Who’s that,” she snapped, “or rather, who it was.”

“Twilight, we talked about this. Complete paragraphs.”

She was still growling through her teeth, but complied. “Bella Brella lived in Ponyville. She was pink with a purple mane and an umbrella cutie mark. And now she’s dead. What do you know about that?”

“Nothing. Why?

Cordoba walked into the room just then. Twilight said, “Cordoba, did you kill Bella Brella?”

“Who?”

“She lived in Ponyville. She was pink with a purple mane and an umbrella cutie mark.”

“No.” Cordoba kept walking.

Twilight looked at me, opened her mouth, closed it again, and over the course of a couple seconds her glare turned into more of a routine distasteful look. “You don’t know anything about it, do you?”

“That’s what I just said.” Twilight was beginning to realize that I had very little reason to lie about anything because I suffered very few consequences. Good, that’s just what I wanted her to think.

“So, I don’t know anything about her. Why, what happened to her?” I held off on saying her name again, but just thinking about it was funny enough. Bella Brella.

“She was murdered,” said Twilight.

“Ah. Okay, yes, I can see why you came here looking for me. See Twilight, if you had just lead with that, gave me the whole story up front, we could have had this sorted out a lot quicker.”

“It’s not sorted out!” she protested. “The killer hasn’t been caught!”

“What makes you think she was murdered?”

Twilight gave me a flat stare. “She was stabbed to death. Come on, Valiant, give me some credit here.”

“Okay, fine.” I dropped my head back to what I was doing. A poster promoting the virtues of Valiantco®, if you’re curious.

Twilight cleared her throat.

I looked up. “What?”

“Aren’t you going to help?”

I spread my hooves. “Just what do you want me to do? And since when is it my responsibility? Believe me, I’m the last guy I thought would ever say this, but isn’t this a job for the police?”

“You know as well as I do that Ponyville is too small to have its own police force.”

“Despite all the weird shit that’s happened here over the years,” I said. “Yeah, maybe you should lean on Celestia to make that happen.” Because then I could buy their loyalty and have my own police. Don’t you want your own police?

“Maybe I will, but that’s for another time,” said Twilight. “You’ve got your extensive and frankly disturbing surveillance systems. Why not put them to good use and help catch this murderer?”

“Fine. Where was she found?”

“Just at the edge of the forest outside of town.”

I turned to the imagery console. “When was she found?”

“Just minutes ago.”

I found the feed of Ponyville, zoomed in on the edge of the forest, and rewound the recorded images taken from the satellite.

When Twilight said at the edge of the forest, she meant inside the treeline. Movement was about all the cameras were able to discern from under the canopy of trees.

“Well, bad luck.” I turned back to my work.

Twilight touched the console, looking elsewhere in Ponyville. I shouldn’t have let her, but I suspected what she was searching for. I tweaked my cheek muscles, loosening them up.

When Twilight found the picture from minutes ago when the satellite had taken a picture of me sitting where I was sitting now, the picture showed me giving the camera – and thus Twilight – the hoof.

She turned to look at me and I gave her a trollface. Always nice when you know you’re going to have to do one and have some time to get your face muscles properly stretched out.

She sighed and shook her head. “Could you at least come with me to examine the body?”

“N-”

“Maybe you can tell me something about the weapon that was used.”

“-okay.” I have to admit, I was sort of curious.

We headed through town towards the hospital. I guessed that was where the morgue was. Strangely, I’d never known that before. It’s the little things you miss when you’re dead.

I paused along the way to hang up the poster. Twilight studied it. “Since when are you so focused on marketing? Valiantco® is the only company of its kind, so there’s little need to advertise.”

“It’s all about public relations.”

That got her attention. “Wait, since when do you care about that?”

“Maybe I’ve turned over a new leaf. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

She snorted. “I’ll believe it when I see it, Valiant.”

“No, really, I’m trying to be cool.”

She actually looked slightly impressed, but then asked, “Since when do you care what anypony thinks about you?”

“Touché. But given the choice, I’d rather be cool than uncool. As a nerd, you should understand.”

The way Twilight clammed up just then suggested that maybe I’d touched a nerve.

Still, I was sincere about being cool. Unfortunately, in Equestria, I couldn’t just wear a leather jacket. Also, I had a bit of a reputation to overcome. It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock ‘n roll.

That was a good idea, I should start playing guitar again.

In the meantime, I had to keep doing my Santa-Claus’-bitch thing. Being a rock star would make the furry red pimp coat easier to justify, though.

We entered the hospital and went down to the basement to meet with the morgue pony who Twilight had apparently talked to earlier when the body was first coming in.

“Ms. Brella is over here,” he said, opening one of the refrigerated drawers. Chill air flowed out. Damn glad to have my pimp coat sometimes.

“Thanks,” I said. “We’ll just need a minute.” I handed him a candy cane. “Here, something for your trouble.”

He seemed pleasantly surprised, but thanked me and walked away, unwrapping it.

Twilight and I bent over the body.

Bella Brella’s name was still funny, even if she was dead. I inspected the stab wound in her ribcage. “Could you hold this open for me?”

“Why do you want to do that?”

“So I can look inside.”

Twilight grimaced, but used magic to pull the wound apart.

“Hmm. One smooth blade with a drop point. A single stab directly to the heart. Yeah, this was definitely a premeditated murder.”

“How do you figure?” she asked.

“Killings of passion or fighting generally involve multiple wounds. Not only that, but this was especially well aimed and involved a hunting- or fighting-type knife. Who just carries one of those around Ponyville? Who even has one?”

Twilight looked at me.

I rolled my eyes. “Who else that actually has motive and no alibi?”

Twilight rolled the drawer back into the cooler. “So what do you think?”

“I think this was someone with experience. Maybe even a professional.”

“Somepony put out a hit on her!?”

“Well, who else would do it like this, in cold blood, with that kind of weapon? But where’s the motive? Do we know if anyone wanted her dead?”

“I guess we’ll have to talk to her associates,” said Twilight.

We walked out of the morgue. The tech was outside in the hall, working on the candy cane. I clapped him on the shoulder. “Keep up the good work.”

Twilight stared at me as we kept walking. “You really are trying to be more personable.”

“Yeah. I guess I’ll have to be cool the old fashioned way: by being a stand-up guy, rather than with cheap gimmicks.” I sighed. “Shit.”

A moment passed. I said, “Also, I think he really is going to need to keep up the good work.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, if this was actually a professional that killed her, or at least someone willing to go to the trouble of figuring everything out to do it that way, then I’m thinking we might see a few more on the slab before we catch the killer.”

Twilight came to a halt and faced me. “Explain. Now.”

“Well, it would take some practice to get to that level of proficiency at killing, wouldn’t it? Either this wasn’t the first pony they put on ice, or it won’t be the last.”

I shrugged. “Or I’m wrong.”

I let that hang in the air. I knew that Twilight knew how infrequently I was wrong.

We climbed the stairs back into the hospital. I paused to hand out more candy to a couple kids in the waiting room.

Twilight looked contemplative as we left the hospital. “I know you said you’re trying to improve your image, but why?”

“I told you. Things work better when people like me.”

“Or could it be that you’ve finally decided that you’ll live a cold, lonely existence without any friends?”

“I don’t need friends if I’m indispensable,” I pointed out. “You came to get my help today.”

“Not my point.”

I shrugged. “I mean, okay, I guess it is a little selfish, trying to be cool. I want the satisfaction of knowing that I’m well liked. After all, what’s cooler than being cool?”

Watermark

The serial killer had struck again.

I wish I’d been surprised, but no, I’d seen this coming.

And it was totally pissing off Twilight.

She tried to say that the modus operandi of the last death didn’t fit this one, but really, who else could it be? Serial killers weren’t really a thing in Equestria. Usually, if there was death and destruction, it was for a reason. Equestrian villains were nice like that.

Down in the morgue at the hospital, we examined the latest body. It was a pegasus stallion.

“His name was Sightseer,” said the morgue pony, raising his voice over my electric guitar.

I nodded thoughtfully. “Have you identified the cause of death, or did he just bleed out from a thousand cuts?”

The body was absolutely covered in squiggly lines cut into the skin.

“Probably that, yeah,” said the morgue pony.

“Well, there’s victim number two,” I said. “I told you so, Twilight.”

“I didn’t explicitly doubt you!” she protested. “You don’t get to say ‘I told you so’ if I never disagreed with you in the first place!”

She had to shout above the guitar.

I kept playing. It helped me think of new ways to needle her. Yeah, I was still trying to be a nicer guy, but Twilight was always an exception. She would be suspicious if I didn’t.

“We could just pack up and move,” I said. “I’m sure there are other, bigger libraries where you could live and work in towns that don’t get half the monster attacks.”

“I can’t just move away from Ponyville!” Twilight protested. “We should find this killer.”

“Okay, but you just set yourself up for another I told you so.”

“You can’t preempt that! That’s not how it works!”

“Oh, and you’re the expert on social interaction?”

“I’m an expert on friendship, as certified by the ruler of Equestria.”

“That’s not what I said.”

I gave the amp an extra kick, because I knew she was about to scream at me and I’d rather not hear it.

I turned my mind back to the body on the table. Did those squiggles look like code? Some sort of letters?

“Hey, could you clean this up?” I asked the morgue pony.

“Sure.” He fetched a hose and within a few minutes had washed off the dried blood. Twilight, distracted by what had been revealed, leaned closer.

“Those look like runes,” I said. “Some sort of foreign language, or maybe an ancient one lost to time? Twilight, what does it say?”

“What, you just assume I can read any highly complex prehistoric language?” she demanded.

“Yes.”

She grumbled, not sure if that was a compliment or if I was taking her for granted. Either way, she read it. However, “It’s gibberish. The runes are real, but whoever carved them isn’t familiar with the language.”

“Any idea what they were trying to do?”

Twilight shook her head. “It’s not arranged properly for a spell, or for spelling words.”

“I get the feeling that it’ll change soon, though. Want to bet? Next body - nah, I’ll give them one. The body after next will have a full set of comprehensible runes.”

“What do you mean ‘the body after next?’ We’ve got to stop whoever is doing this!”

“Twilight, if I could, don’t you think I would have?”

She paused, her mouth dropping open. “It...it’s that serious?”

I said nothing and kept playing. Yes, it was that serious. I hadn’t been able to glean enough clues from the first murder to catch the killer. I had a bad feeling that this one would also come up empty. Whoever was doing this was good. The best.

Well no, not better than me, but I had never tried to be stealthy about it, though, so it wasn’t really a fair comparison.

Having seen the body, we left the morgue. I gave the morgue pony a candy cane on the way out. Despite gaining pleasure from trolling Twilight, I was genuinely trying to be nicer to everyone else.

Except that guy hitting on some girl in the waiting room.

He’d been trying to put the moves on some mare that was clearly pregnant. Based on the looks she’d been giving him, she wasn’t interested. Despite that, he was sitting on the chair next to her, scooting ever closer and seriously infringing on personal space.

I stood there playing guitar.

It only took him a moment to notice. Probably because I was standing between them infringing on personal space.

“Do you mind?” he said.

“I do. That’s why I’m here. Just trying to do anything a concerned citizen would and be a nice guy.”

“By getting in the way of me and this girl?”

“Cockblocking you, yes.”

“Why?”

“I’ve blocked more cock than the inventor of chicken wire. You can call me the cockblockerino. It’s on my business card.”

He didn’t believe me, so I showed him my business card.

DEVGRU

"Where do new spells come from?" I asked Twilight. The two of us were in the library. I sat on the couch while she was over at the table.

She looked up from the book she was reading. "Well, a unicorn who has a cutie mark for spell development identifies a need and then works towards a solution."

"That's racist and narrow-minded."

She rolled her eyes and rephrased. "A pony who is good at spell development identifies a need and then works towards a solution. So I generalized, sue me."

"Maybe I will."

"Valiant, aside from being a frivolous lawsuit over a minor difference in turn of phrase that most of Equestria would disagree with you about, we both know that I am more than capable of successfully counter suing you using my superior knowledge of law and lawyer-hiring finances."

Stupid nerdy majority shareholder. "Fine, whatever. So is there some kind of spell development place where all the spell development ponies work?"

"Well, no. Two thirds of Equestria's population barely use any magic at all and most unicorns are satisfied with just telekinesis. The spell development industry basically boils down to just those ponies who both care and actually have the skills and ability to do that kind of work. As you might well imagine, that means there aren't many of us."

"So you're a spell developer?"

She gave me a flat look. "Don't you even know how many spells I've developed? Not to toot my own horn, but I'm probably one of the best of my era and that isn't even my day job."

"'Toot your own horn?' Unicorns really don't have a more specific expression than that? Does your horn even toot?"

"There's probably a spell for that," Twilight said, brushing off my attempt at insult. "But why are you asking about spell development in the first place?"

"I was just thinking about a way to make spell development better."

Twilight looked at me for a long moment and then came over, walking around some of my equipment before sitting down on the couch beside me. "Valiant, I know that you're very good at creating machines and upsetting the status quo."

She poked me. "But I'm warning you, don't meddle with things you don't understand."

"Like those times you screwed up a spell and put us all in mortal peril?"

Twilight grit her teeth and glared at me, but said, "Yes. Now imagine how bad it would be if you screwed up a spell."

"That's exactly why I'm thinking about a way to make spell development better. You wouldn't turn down an increase in safety and effectiveness, would you?"

She crossed her forelegs and looked at me, still distrustful. "How would you even do that?"

"By making sure all the accidents happened to bad people."

"That's not how magic works."

"How do you know?"

"I just got finished explaining to you that I'm one of the best spell devs of my generation! I even use the hip lingo 'spell dev' to show how comfortable and casual I am in the industry!"

I leaned back. "So I guess you didn't notice the rage collector I set up beside the couch that has been slowly drawing power from your increasing temper? It's a neat spell, the ghost of Starlight Glimmer taught me. I'm going to can it."

Twilight's head jerked up to the machine that was slowly pulling red wisps of rage out of the air around her head and gathering them to be canned.

"Why would you put it in a can?" she asked. "A jar is resealable."

"Nobody ever said they had a jar of whupass."

"And anyway, what are you doing hanging out with Starlight's ghost?"

"Well, what was I supposed to do with her? She seemed lonely."

"You...you didn't let her out, did you?"

"No, why would I let the ghost of a known Communist out? In fact, why is she even in a jar? You should have put her in a can."

"You put her in a jar."

"That doesn't mean you couldn't have canned her. I'm sure ghosts can as well as green beans or corn. It probably keeps them moist."

Twilight shook her head. "I don't think it's a good idea to hang out with Starlight."

"Well yeah, she's a Communist. But as a ghost, she's also so extremely malleable. Souls are kind of like that when they're naked. Sir Win taught me that. Though, I think in retrospect it was mostly about the naked for him."

"Malleable? You aren't going to try to reform her, are you?"

"I thought that was your deal."

"But you do want her to stop being a Communist, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah. And that also leads back into my thoughts about making spell development better. Starlight has the magic, and I have the motivation."

"Bringing Starlight's ghost into the mix only makes it worse!" Twilight protested. "If I was concerned before, I'm doubly so now that I know that's what you want to do!"

"I was going to make it all official and stuff," I said. "We'd have a cool name and everything. I was thinking about calling it the Magical Development Group, or DEVGRU for short."

"Wouldn't MADGRU be more appropriate for that? Or, wait..." Twilight cocked her head. "You're doing it again, right?"

"Doing what again?"

"In naming it DEVGRU, you're referencing some human thing that you think is cool, right?"

"No, that would be ridiculous."

Twilight sighed. "Whatever. So, MADGRU-"

"DEVGRU."

"I told you, if it's a magical group, MADGRU sounds better. Or even MAGEGRU."

"VAGEGRU."

"VAGEGRU? What would that even be develop-ugh!" Twilight shook her head and made a face. "Whatever. I still don't think this is a good idea."

"Or are you just afraid that it'll make me better at developing spells than you?"

Twilight laughed.

So did I.

I was better at laughing than her, too. Or at least I did it longer, to the point where it was no longer funny and she started to look uncomfortable.

Maybe there was a metaphor in there.

Magical Lesbian Spawn

Trixie and Daring had not been involved in many of my recent shenanigans. That was cool, I understood they both had their own lives going on. Still, it was nice to get together and catch up sometimes.

Sunset was working on a project that involved the mirror portal and corresponding human world. I hadn't asked what she was up to this time and figured she would tell me if I needed to know.

Unfortunately, that meant I had to get my place ready for Trixie and Daring's visit all by myself.

What, you thought Cordoba knew how to clean a house?

She helped, I'll give her credit for that. Still, a seventeen ton death machine like Tin Mare probably would have been more useful.

When Trixie and Daring arrived, they found me in the middle of working on a different project. Namely, a seven ton death machine. I had decided that with Tin Mare inhabiting her VTOL airframe, I needed more capability in the striking role. The result was a boomerang-shaped drone that was still under construction. I hadn't even come up with a catchy name for it, to say nothing of a distinct personality.

I greeted Trixie and Daring in the front room. While it may have been clean, there was still stuff stacked all over. Weapons, pieces of weapons, hardware, Starlight Glimmer's ghost in a glass jar.

"So how's it been?" I asked, gesturing them to sit. "Lots of adventures?"

"Lots," Daring confirmed.

"Treasure? Ruins?"

Daring nodded. "The usual."

"How's the magic going?" I asked Trixie.

"It's going. In fact, that was kind of what we were here to talk to you about," Trixie replied. "We were looking for a new venue to debut a never-before-seen trick."

"Sounds cool. Were you looking for a place or looking to build a place?"

"What do you recommend?" Daring asked.

"Oh?" My eyebrows went up. "I didn't know you were so involved, Daring."

Daring flushed. "Well, Trixie has been going with me on so many archeological expeditions. I agreed to help her out on stage."

"There are certain tricks that are really handy to have a pegasus assistant for," Trixie explained.

She went on. "Back to the original question, I think a place where we can set up a permanent show would be held. I used to live life in my old wagon and I've kind of started to like the idea of staying somewhere for a while. Plus, maybe if we built a new event venue here in Ponyville, it could be used for other things besides just my act."

"An investment," I said. "I like it. Maybe if we get enough revenue and clout I can finally buy back majority ownership of Valiantco®."

"Twilight still has it?" Trixie asked.

"Well, and the estate of Bruce Springsteen."

Trixie and Daring nodded sympathetically.

"What do you want to make this place look like?" Cordoba asked.

"Well, if we're going to make it accessible to others, it'll need to be versatile," said Trixie.

"I was kind of thinking some sort of southwest style," said Daring.

"And not to mention enough flair for the Great and Powerful star attraction." Trixie grinned and placed a hoof on her chest.

"As it so happens, I think I have a designer who might think she owes me a favor," I said.

Coco Pommel didn't think she owed me a favor, but enough money and imposition can get a lot of people to do a lot of things.

At any rate, she got the design laid out well enough and the rest of us built it over the course of the next few days. I brought in Tin Mare to help with the lifting. It reminded me again that I needed a name for her future sidekick, the attack drone.

The building hosted its first show not too long after. Even though it didn't have a formal name or dedication, which was something else I reminded myself I'd have to come up with.

The show sold out of tickets its first night. I guess anything for a spectacle in Ponyville.

Trixie and Daring stood at the front, greeting guests as they came in. I paused for a hug. "Give 'em the ol' razzle dazzle."

"What was that?" asked Razzle Dazzle.

"Not you." I turned back to Trixie. "You know, sometimes I really hate this place with weird pony names. Every catchy phrase is someone."

"I mean, I'd be in a real pickle if I wasn't," said Catchy Phrase.

With that out of the way, Cordoba and I went to find a seat. The lights went down and the curtain came up. Sure enough, Trixie did a razzle dazzle. I mean, maybe she would have done Razzle Dazzle, but Daring was keeping her on the surprisingly straight and narrow. Trixie and Daring really were good for each other.

It had actually been a while since I'd seen Trixie show off her talent. She wasn't in the business for nothing, either. Knowing it was unicorn magic kind of took some of the wonder out of it, but that didn't mean it wasn't nice to watch.

But the grand finale, oh man. Trixie and Daring really had been working on this trick. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it.

They unfurled a banner that said Congratulations, future grandfather Valiant!

"Holy shit," I said, idly clapping along with the rest of the crowd. Not only did I have to name an attack drone and a venue hall, but now also maybe a baby.

Cordoba leaned over, looking confused. "But which one of them is having it?"

The Return of Vulcan Avenger

I sat back and watched Tin Mare do an internal check, testing her systems and control surfaces. I hadn't gotten around to repainting her and she still wore the toothy mouth on the forward part of her fuselage. Cordoba liked it because it matched her bandana. Tin Mare, of course, had no opinion.

"I'm pretty busy today," I told her. "I'm going to have to ask you to take the new plane out for some calibrations. Right now, I'm dealing with the fallout of too many sick references."

"Hella."

Twilight did not like my references. Partly because she didn't get them, but also because she thought I used them to covertly make fun of her. She was right.

"Anyway," I said, picking up a clipboard of things I needed to throw at Twilight eventually. Not physical objects, that would be too easy, just random insults and references she would never get.

I cleared my throat. "Twilight was such a bad romance that Kristen Stewart is gay now. Just like you, Twilight."

"Needs work," advised Tin Mare.

"Yeah." I shook my head. "I really need to step up my game. That's why I need to stay home today."

"And you want me to calibrate LIBB."

"Right."

I sensed the reluctance in Tin Mare's manner. Yeah, I knew the new airplane was kind of annoying. That's why we were trying to get her fixed up. Still, Tin Mare is a professional and didn't say anything, merely spinning up her engines to fly away.

I sat down to think of more insults, but kept one eye on the datalink display.

Tin Mare taxied out of the hanger and met up with LIBB. The Lightweight Interceptor for Badass Bombing was my latest AI.

"Hi Tin Mare!"

Libby had an annoying voice. She was just kind of annoying in general. Believe me, I had tried to fix her, her source personality was nothing like that, but sometimes things just don't work out. Like when I had to come up with new references.

"What are we doing today, TM?" Libby chirped. She excitedly wiggled her wings

She was a stealthy design with internal weapons. She slightly resembled a boomerang, a cranked-kite configuration with foldable outer wings. This was to allow her to fit in the back of Tin Mare should that be required. She'd occasionally had a few technical problems that required a haul back home.

I hadn't built a runway yet, so the VTOL-capable Tin Mare had to help her standard-takeoff counterpart get off the ground. She took off with Libby in the back, climbed to altitude, and let the other aircraft go. Libby dropped out the back, unfolded her wings, and began to fly on her own.

Libby was subsonic, but faster than Tin Mare. She excitedly banked around, zooming in circles.

"Status report," said Tin Mare.

"Oh gosh, I've got a full tank of fuel and I'm loaded with two dual-guidance five hundred pound bombs."

Tin Mare turned for the southeast and Libby trailed along behind her. "Where are we going, TM?"

"The dragon lands require patrol."

"Don't we have satellites for that?"

"Full motion video from space is neither easy, high quality, or persistant," Tin Mare explained.

It probably would have been better for the two of them to communicate directly via datalink. However, being the only two systems in all of Equestria that might need to do so, I hadn't gotten around to implementing that capability yet. Besides, I got the strange feeling that Tin Mare wouldn't appreciate the airplane equivalent of telepathy with Libby.

The two of them headed for the dragon lands. Libby had her own multispectral camera, but Tin Mare's FLIR was more versatile, being that it didn't have to conform with a stealthy profile.

Yes, building a stealth combat drone was overkill on many levels, particularly in a world where radar and heavier than air aviation didn't really exist beyond my own capabilities. Still, to improve my stuff, I had to always be one-upping myself. It's-a me, Valiant.

As they entered the dragon lands, naturally they found dragons. Some were a little smaller than Tin Mare, only a few were larger.

The first dragon Tin Mare and Libby encountered airborne gave them a weird look. "Who are you supposed to be?"

Tin Mare had been mistaken for a dragon before, when wearing the toothy mouth paint like she was now. Her databases gave her enough information to play along. "I am called Vulcan Avenger."

The dragon squinted. "Are you one of the northern tribe? They're about your size."

"I am not a real dragon." Good thing, too. Dragons are dumb.

"Hi I'm Libby!"

The dragon swatted the small drone out of the sky as she buzzed his head.

To be fair, it was reflexive in response to a perceived attack by a small insect. But also to be fair, Tin Mare was armed and programmed to respond to hostility. Her 30mm gatling cannon spun up and fired ten rounds into the dragon's belly from point-blank range. That was probably too much, but gatling guns aren't really for being conservative.

Tin Mare rolled over and dove after Libby, who had gone into a flat spin with claw marks on her fuselage. Libby deployed a drag chute, which helped stop the motion and brought her in for a hard but adequate landing.

This had happened before, hence the parachute. I couldn't figure out why Libby was so difficult, and the problems were almost not worth the expense and headaches. But I really wanted a dedicated stealthy attack drone and also I'm kind of hardheaded.

Tin Mare landed next to Libby. "Status report."

"Everything hurts," whined Libby. I hadn't built her with the ability to feel actual pain, I'm not a monster. Still, she was always using that voice to get sympathy. She really was a shitty combat AI.

"Well, at least you're still able to communicate," said Tin Mare. "Let's get you back to base so you can tell Valiant what you did this time."

The dead dragon's body flopped to the ground nearby.

Moving Target

Tin Mare rested on the hill overlooking Ponyville. She had quite considerately pointed her nose away from town, towards the targets that had been set up in the open grasslands outside the village. Periodically, she would fire a single thirty millimeter round from her underslung gatling cannon.

“So, why do you need me here?” Braeburn asked.

“You enjoy spending time with me and will probably do what I ask,” Tin Mare replied. “Please adjust my sights half a degree to the left.”

Tin Mare’s airframe transition from a sleek jet to a transport had carried its share of problems. Namely, everything needed to be recalibrated and the improvised gun mounting had to be made more permanent.

Braeburn felt he was being manipulated, but did as she asked, crawling under her fuselage to get at the cannon mounting bolts. When he was finished, he crawled back out. “Okay.”

Her gun clicked forward to the next barrel and she fired again. “Please adjust the smallest fraction of a degree that you are able back to the right.”

“What does that mean?”

“I could tell you point-zero-four-three degrees, but I doubt you would have concept of such an amount nor the ability to sense it.” Tin Mare paused, and added, “I mean no disrespect.”

And she didn’t, Braeburn was sure. He may have been a cyborg, but it was true that his systems were not as sophisticated as Tin Mare’s. She also lacked any ability to be snarky.

Braeburn pondered that as he attempted to move her gun point-zero-four-three degrees to the right. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that she recognized that emotions existed but could not act upon them. She knew when a statement could be misinterpreted as disrespect, yet had no free will to intentionally make it disrespectful.

Tin Mare still refused to acknowledge herself as anything but a computer. She could learn and adapt, but any changes to her code regarding her personality were locked. Braeburn had been trying to change her mind ever since he’d met her.

“Are you all right under there?” Tin Mare inquired.

If she was a literal mare, he would be in a rather embarrassing position, lying on his back beneath her with her belly pressed close to him as he fiddled with her hardware.

“F-fine,” Braeburn replied.

“I’m detecting hella elevated infrared levels on your face.”

Darn her multispectral vision. He said, “Just thinking about something.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Private thoughts.”

“I only wish to gather information. I would like to understand what causes you to feel that way.”

“Why should I tell you?”

“Braeburn, you can tell me anything. I am incapable of moral judgement.”

He sighed and slid out, standing up. “I was just thinking about how it would look if you had an average pony’s body.”

“Are you intimidated by my very phallic autocannon?”

“Wh-no! I think of you as a mare.”

“Are you attracted to me?” It was a question that carried no hidden meaning. She did not care what he responded. A simple yes or no would satisfy her. It was kind of nice to get that question without any emotional baggage associated, Braeburn thought.

Braeburn glanced at her metal airframe, the grease in her joints, the scratches in her paint, and the built up carbon on her exhausts. “Not physically, no.”

“Are you attracted to some other aspect?”

Braeburn carefully considered his reply. “I think of you as a friend.”

“By the definition, we are friends, Braeburn. I think of you as a friend, too.”

He saw an opportunity to push his agenda. “But if you’re a robot, how can you have friends?”

“Just because I am without feeling does not mean I cannot recognize when we are in a mutually beneficial relationship. You help me with things I am unable to do myself. You clearly get something out of it too if you keep coming back.”

“That sounds so cold and clinical.”

“Braeburn, by now you should know that I am a robot. Cold and clinical is simply what I do.”

Tin Mare paused, and then announced, “We have a guest.”

Braeburn looked around, spotting a blue and white pegasus filly flying towards them, struggling under the weight of a load that he could not immediately identify.

Cordoba landed next to them. “Tin Mare, Trixie and I built this pylon for you. The rockets don’t have guidance systems yet, but you don’t have a new target designation laser installed yet anyway.”

She was getting easier to understand. Most of the accent was still there, but she wasn’t spitting Spanish every other word anymore.

“Rockets?” Braeburn asked.

“If I am to regain lost striking ability, I must install new armament,” Tin Mare said. “Could you please help Cordoba install the pylon?”

The metal stub bolted to Tin Mare’s right side. Braeburn noticed that it already had six rockets mounted. He hesitated, but the other two seemed unconcerned. If Cordoba didn’t think she was in danger, then Braeburn was probably safe with his metal skin. Tin Mare’s chassis was nigh indestructible.

“Is that going to be okay?” said Braeburn, inspecting the pylon. “It’s off center.”

“I will accommodate for the uneven load.” Tin Mare’s engines began to turn. “I will require a hover test for calibration. Climb aboard if you wish.”

Cordoba called dibs and got the passenger seat next to where Tin Mare’s brain control system was strapped down. Braeburn sat down behind them and looked around at the metal surrounding him. I’m inside her. Even more entendre than being underneath her. He blushed again, but Tin Mare didn’t have any cameras inside the fuselage.

She hovered about ten feet off the ground, leaning side to side to calibrate the balance. Cordoba leaned against the dashboard. “What’s your payload again, chica?”

“That depends on fuel state, forward airspeed, and atmospheric conditions,” Tin Mare replied. “I have not yet explored my full potential in this chassis.”

“I bet you could lift the school.”

“Perhaps.”

Cordoba sighed. “I wish you could give me flying lessons. Trixie’s a cool sister but she doesn’t have that experience.”

“Doesn’t everyone go to Rainbow Dash for flying lessons?” said Braeburn.

Cordoba slammed him to the floor and wrapped her hooves around his throat. She was heavier than she looked and quite a bit stronger. Braeburn was confident that his armor would protect him from suffocation, but before he had to find out, Tin Mare did an aileron roll to shake the two of them apart.

“While mentioning Rainbow Dash doing anything useful is verboten, I do not wish to have a mess in need of cleaning,” said Tin Mare. “I also need to get to testing the rockets.”

With a roar, a rocket came off its launch rail and streaked out ahead, leaving a smoke trail in the air and a fiery explosion on the ground where it had been aimed. It wasn’t a perfect shot on the target without laser guidance, but close enough that the blast radius took care of the rest.

Cordoba cheered. “Yeah! You kick so much ass, Tin Mare!”

“I do what I am required,” said Tin Mare, though Braeburn thought Cordoba’s statement had been more accurate. Tin Mare’s fire support and transport had been vital on more than one occasion.

Rockets tested, Tin Mare came in for a landing, letting Cordoba and Braeburn out.

“Okay, I have to go now,” said Cordoba, getting ready to fly away.

He should have been grateful she was leaving, but Braeburn asked, “Where’s the fire?”

Cordoba pointed at the burning target downrange. “There it is. Now if you don’t mind, I know someone who needs a little prevenge.”

Again against his better judgement, Braeburn asked, “Prevenge?”

Cordoba rolled her eyes and let out an extended sigh. “It’s like getting revenge for something that hasn’t happened yet. Now shut up. I’m leaving.” She flew away.

“I don’t think she actually would have beat me up,” said Braeburn.

“She is one of Valiant’s,” Tin Mare reminded him.

Braeburn frowned. “True. Thanks for breaking that up, then.”

“I did not want to see you injured.”

While she would blow up threats without a second thought, Tin Mare was one of the most pleasant ponies Braeburn currently knew. She carefully considered her actions. Her opinion didn’t change on a whim. She saw the world in simple terms. She had no ulterior motives. Predictable. Stable. Confident. Strong. Modest.

Braeburn frowned. Was he in love with a robot? No, she wasn’t a robot. She was a pony and he was going to prove it.

But he had no idea where to start.

The Raid

“Two minutes to the LZ.”

“Roger,” Soarin’ replied. He looked around the tactical carriage. He, and the other guards, were outfitted with all the latest gear. A lot of upgrades had been coming to them recently, and they were all itching to try them out. As Royal Guard Captain, he’d decided to mount a raid.

The so-called Sorrel Order of Sorrel had appeared suddenly, and was clearly anti-government. If nothing else, they were anti-alicorn. Either way, they had to be stopped. The Princesses had given Soarin’ their blessing to carry out the mission. They, too, seemed interested to see the performance of the new equipment.

The armor Soarin’ and his team wore was black and soft, much better for stealth than their usual polished metal armor. Unfortunately, it gave up a little protection, which would continue to be a problem until better materials were formulated.

While they weren’t able to access it without bulky equipment that couldn’t be carried on missions, Soarin’ had learned about a new capability to listen in on conversations nearly anywhere. The Princesses were keeping it close to the vest, but he’d seen the intel it could produce. That was part of how they’d learned about the SOS hideout.

The intel had indicated that it wouldn’t be occupied at the moment, but the team packed along their weapons just in case. Here too, there had been improvements. They still carried the standard spears and bows, but with technological improvements. Just little things – they weren’t reinventing the wheel after all – but they made a noticeable difference. The archers had new bows with cams that made the draw easier. The shields were of a new design that saved weight. Soarin’ himself had a backup weapon in the form of a spring-loaded knife, stowed in the pocket of his uniform.

That had been another innovation, pockets.

“Brace for landing.” The carriage bumped down onto the ground and the team ran out. They breached the door and entered the SOS building.

Fanning out, the Guards moved deeper into the building, announcing “clear” as they found rooms empty. Soarin’ walked through, scanning for anything useful.

In a desk, he found a binder marked Alicornized Immune Deficiency Syndrome. Flipping a few pages, his eyebrows went up. They thought alicorns were a disease? This should probably go with him. He put it in the evidence bag.

He glanced around the room. Colorful banners displayed slogans such as #Valiantknowsbest and #Valiantknowsall.

There was a call through his magical communicator. “Sir, we have a prisoner!”

“I’m on my way!”

Soarin’ rushed in the direction of the communication. A couple of guards had encountered a lone SOS member and were holding her at spearpoint when he arrived.

The mare wore a strange suit, like a metal cage of wire. It didn’t look heavy. It just surrounded her body, leaving a few inches of clearance all the way around.

“She tried to fight,” said one guard. He smirked. “It didn’t work.”

From what he had heard, the SOS wasn’t that tough. The Element Bearers had had an even easier time than usual defeating them. Still, Soarin’ was pretty good at his job, and didn’t take anything for granted. Best to keep treating them as a potential threat.

“What’s your name?” Soarin’ asked the prisoner.

“Bacon Strips.”

Did she know anything about the large container of bacon that had recently appeared at the Ponyville Hospital? Soarin’ didn’t know much about bacon other than apparently being some sort of processed pig meat. The container had been taken away by unknown parties, but he’d read reports about it.

“Where are your friends?” Soarin’ asked.

“Fighting for freedom and democracy.”

“I was hoping for a location,” he said.

“I was hoping for an elected government,” she retorted.

“A what?” another guard asked, confused.

“She thinks we should vote for leaders,” said Soarin’.

“Why?”

Bacon Strips sputtered in consternation. “Because Valiant said so! He is the Alpha and Omega, he is the whiz in the cheese, he is the perfectly paired socks in the drawer.”

“What are socks?” another guard asked.

“Like stockings, but not lingerie,” said Soarin’.

“What in the world’s the purpose of that?”

“Valiant doesn’t need a purpose!” Bacon Strips interjected. “He has a plan for Equestria, for us all! A Valiantocracy will be established in his name. Praise Valiant!”

You’re welcome.

A disembodied voice vibrated through the building. The guards looked up, startled. Bacon Strips smirked.

“Put her in the wagon,” said Soarin’. “Sweep for anything else valuable.”

The guards made one more trip through the building. In a breathless voice, one of them called through the communicator, “We’ve got something big!”

“What is it?” Soarin’ asked.

“It’s a cryogenic stasis pod with Valiant in it.”

A moment passed. A sheepish voice corrected, “Um, it’s actually a cardboard cutout of a cryogenic stasis pod with Valiant in it.”

Soarin’ let out an extended sigh.

It had turned out to be a rather disappointing raid. One easily-captured prisoner who probably didn’t know anything of value. One book of probably made-up details about alicorns. One cardboard cutout.

Outside, the guards made ready to leave. Two unicorns flanked Bacon Strips, waiting to load her into the carriage parked beside the building. Most of the rest of the guards were already aboard.

Soarin’ was last out of the building. As he stepped up, Bacon Strips shoved against the guards and made a break for it. The unicorns shot spells after her, but her metal cage suit grounded the spells before they touched her.

Soarin’ was the closest pegasus and took off after her. He caught up seconds later, pouncing from the air and knocking her to the ground.

“Why did you run?” he asked. “You know we’d catch you.”

“I was just trying to get away from the explosion,” she said.

“What explo-”

The building blew up, knocking Soarin’ off his hooves even though he was standing a distance away.

Bacon Strips smirked. “Valiant did nothing wrong.”

Luna's Lesson

“Hey, wake up.” It sounded like Spike's voice.

“Go away. Not morning.”

“Actually, the sunrise was three hours ago. You got a letter, Valiant.”

“Hmm? Really?” I sat up. The springs in the old couch groaned. Staying at the Ponyville library had started out as a temporary arrangement, but eventually the librarian had stopped asking when I was going to leave.

Spike the dragon stood in front of me. He was short and purple. Of course, I’m not one to judge. I’m rather average and orange myself.

“So who’s it from?” I asked. “I didn’t even know I had a mailing address.”

Spike showed me the letter. “It came from Princess Celestia.”

“Oh. Cough-mail?”

Spike nodded. “It arrived just before I woke you.” He unrolled the scroll, clearing his throat.

Dear Valiant,

My sister Luna has been slowly catching up with society after her thousand-year absence. It is unfortunate that certain events on Nightmare Night left her unable to make a good impression. I’m sure you know what I’m referring to.

If anyone can help Luna, it’s you. Teach her to be a contemporary, sociable pony. While she is in Ponyville, I expect you to send me daily reports on her progress.

She arrives today.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

“Is she serious?” I said.

“Probably,” said Spike. “You did kind of screw things up.”

“Not that badly. I only threatened her with violence because she didn't believe in the human moon landings.”

“I just don’t want to be around when Twilight finds out,” said Spike.

“Finds out what?” said a voice. A lavender colored unicorn descended the stairs from the upper floor of the library.

Twilight Sparkle was the local librarian, Princess Celestia’s personal student, and also kind of neurotic.

“The Princess wants Valiant to coach her sister on making friends ,” Spike blurted out.

“What!?” said Twilight. “Let me see that letter.” Her horn glowed and she took the parchment from Spike.

“Um, if you read it carefully, it almost sounds like a punishment,” I pointed out.

“This isn’t fair! I’m the expert on friendship!” shouted Twilight.

“Hey, I never said you weren’t.” I backed up slowly. She may have been a bookworm, but an angry Twilight caused bad things to happen.

Like a moron, I didn’t keep my mouth shut. “I mean, you’re as much of an expert as you can be with only five friends.”

“What about me?” said Spike.

“Well, you’re really more of an indentured servant, so you don’t count.”

"What about you?" he asked.

"'Rent-free roommate' is not necessarily the same thing as 'friend'."

“The letter doesn’t even say what time Princess Luna is getting here,” ranted Twilight. “We don’t have any time to prepare!”

I saw Spike’s eyes flick to the window. I followed his gaze. There were a dozen Royal Guards outside. The crowd of them parted to reveal a dark blue pony who had both wings and a horn.

“Uh, Twilight?”

“Not now, I have to get everything ready!” She began dusting and putting away books.

I looked at Spike. He shrugged and walked over to open the door.

“Oh, this is bad. So much to do!” muttered Twilight.

“It’s too late,” I said. “She’s here.”

“Eep!” squeaked Twilight as the door opened.

Spike escorted Princess Luna into the library. Her mane was limp and straight, covering one eye. She was not smiling, and there was a general air of depression around her. I’d never seen a pony look so emo before, and I just barely stopped myself from giggling about it.

“It’s good to see you again, Princess,” said Twilight. She hadn’t managed to do much to clean the library.

“Hello Twilight Sparkle,” said Luna. “Hello Plymouth Valiant.”

I’d picked a name for myself without giving it much thought. It said something about my personality that the first thing that popped into my head had been a car.

“Just Valiant, thanks. How are you?”

“We have come to learn the ways of modern society.”

“Yeah,” I said, “I’m not right for the job. Equestria is basically the middle ages compared to where I’m from.”

“The mysterious United States of America?” asked Luna. I had mentioned my citizenship to her when we’d first met.

“Will you be staying here, Princess?” said Twilight, breaking in. “I have a spare bed.”

“Our business is not with you,” replied Luna. “Lodging at the Ponyville Inn has been acquired. Come, Valiant.” She turned and walked out of the library, taking the guards with her.

I turned to Twilight. “So if you’ve got a spare bed, how come I’ve been sleeping on the couch since I got here?”

She shot me a glare and I hurried out the door.

Walking with Luna over to the Inn, she asked me to talk about myself. I love talking about myself.

“Well, in case you didn’t know, I’m dreaming and you’re all part of my subconscious," I told her.

“This statement seems to have been said before.”

“I bring it up in conversation a lot. I blacked out drunk one night and found myself here. I don’t know what else this could be other than a weird dream. Twilight thinks I’m just insane.”

“Insanity is familiar to us,” said Luna. “One thousand years of solitude can cause that.”

“Hey, join the club. Actually, we don’t have a club.” I thought for a moment. “You know, between you, me, and Screw Loose, we could have a club. A crazy club.”

“This is not what we came here to do,” said Luna, sounding somewhat irritated. She led me past the Royal Guards that had locked down the Inn for security reasons.

“You really can’t blame me. I’m just trying to be terrible at my job so you’ll get someone else to do it.”

“THOU HAS DUTIES! RENDER SERVICE UNTO US!” she roared in her “traditional Canterlot voice.” I’m not afraid to admit that I squealed a little.

“Screw that!” I turned and tried to run for the door. A member of the Royal Guard knocked me over before I made it three steps.

Luna walked over to where I lay, struggling to get out from under the guard. “Why all the resistance?” she asked, looking confused. “Have we done something offensive?”

“Well, yeah, kind of. You expect me to put up with your ‘high and mighty’ this and your ‘oh God I’m so lonely’ that, and I’m not getting anything in return.”

“Who is God?”

“Uh, well, you probably won’t like my answer. Let’s save that for later and focus on getting me out of my obligation to work for you.”

The Princess considered it. “What can we do for enticement?”

“First, get this guy off me.” Luna nodded and the guard let me up.

“And then…” I trailed off, kicking myself for not having a list of demands ready to go when I found myself in situations like this, which was surprisingly often, by the way. I mean, if this stupid dream wasn’t so—

“And then?” prompted Luna.

“Oh, uh, you’ve got to do something about your language,” I said. “I have to translate from ancient to modern in my head, and it’s driving me nuts. Using contractions wouldn’t hurt, either.”

“I…I will try.”

“Next, I think we need to get you out and socializing with the public.”

“How?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure blue agave doesn’t grow in Equestria, so getting liquored up is out of the question. Let’s just walk around the town. Not like you are now, though. Most of the ponies would freak if they saw you coming down the street.”

I thought for a moment. “Let’s go see Rarity. I’ve got a plan for a disguise, and she can help make it work.”

“It’s not going to work, Valiant,” said Rarity, the local fashion snob. Luna, her contingent of guards, and I were crowding the boutique that she owned.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s still Princess Luna! Just putting on a pair of sunglasses may work for you, but she’s too distinctive!”

“Some fashion designer you are.” I knew those were the exact words to get Rarity to do something for me. They were also quite effective at getting my nose smacked with her hoof.

“Princess, if I may,” said Rarity. “There is a concealment spell I’ve heard about that could be what you need. Twilight probably knows more about it. I’ll send some sample books over with you.” She quickly began drawing up a detailed plan.

I glanced over her shoulder. She was muttering under her breath. “Hmm, a lovely yellow…offset it with a nice bright red mane and tail…yes, that should do…” She drew a quick sketch.

I ended up carrying the pile of reference materials over to the library. I don’t know why the guards couldn’t do it. I detected a couple of them smirking at the ache the stack of books was causing me.

Twilight was happy to help. She seemed to have resigned herself to the fact that Luna thought I was cooler than she was.

“I think this will work,” Twilight said, looking over Rarity’s notes. “We’ll just have to pick a cutie mark.” Spike handed her one of the books. Rarity apparently used it for matching common cutie marks with color combinations.

Twilight flipped a few pages with her eyes closed and picked at random. She looked at what her hoof had fallen on, and nodded. “All right. Are you ready, Princess? The illusion should last for a few hours.”

Luna nodded. She looked somewhat nervous to be on the receiving end of another pony’s spell. I couldn’t blame her. As an earth pony, magic pissed me off more often than not.

Twilight’s horn lit up, and in a literal flash Luna was transformed into the pony Rarity had sketched.

“What’s that?” I asked, examining her cutie mark.

“It looks like a wheel of Gouda with a slice cut out,” said Spike.

“So it does,” I agreed.

“Cheese?” suggested Spike.

I nodded. “Cheese.”

“Cheese?” asked Luna.

“That’s you,” I said.

Twilight facehoofed. “What does she need a nickname for?”

“The Ponyvillians—Ponyvillites?—Ponyvillsters?—uh, residents of Ponyville—know that the Princess is in town. Any new arrival named Luna is going to stick out, regardless of what she looks like.”

“I guess you’re right,” said Twilight.

“I always am.” Before she could point out the patently obvious fact that I was lying, I ushered Luna out of the library.

“We really need to lose the guards,” I said to her. “No normal pony has escorts.”

The Princess nodded and ordered the Captain to take the rest back to the Inn. He didn’t seem happy about it. It’s like I wasn’t trustworthy or something.

“How about we go to the market?” I suggested. “There’s lots to do there.”

On the way, we encountered Fluttershy, who appeared to be carrying groceries for all the animals that she tended to.

“Hey,” I said. “I’d like to introduce you to my friend, Cheese.”

“How do you do,” Luna enunciated carefully.

“I’m fine, thank you,” answered Fluttershy. There were several seconds of silence.

“Um, well, we’ve got time to stay and chat,” I said. “Why don’t you talk about what you like to do, Fluttershy?”

“Well, I take care of all the animals in Ponyville. In my free time I like to cook or sew.”

“I don’t do any of those things,” said Luna. There was another awkward silence.

“Well,” I said, “it’s been fun. See you, Fluttershy.”

We walked on. “Will all conversations be so brief?” asked Luna.

“No. Maybe it’s because Fluttershy is so timid.” I spotted a pony overhead, resting on a cloud. “Here’s one that's more outgoing. Hey, Rainbow!”

“What?” answered the pegasus. She didn't look down.

“I’ve got someone here I’d like you to meet.”

“Can it wait? I’m on the clock with the Weather Patrol right now.”

“It looks like you’re napping.”

“Union break.”

“What is a union?” asked Luna.

“It’s the thing that made Jimmy Hoffa disappear. I think that’s right, at least. I’m not too good with history.”

Rainbow rolled over. “I’m staying on this cloud, but I guess I could talk to you if you could get up here.”

Luna shifted a little, and I heard the sound of feathers, even if I couldn’t see them.

“Hold on,” I said. "You’re supposed to be an earth pony. As much as I would like to see the look on Rainbow's face, it’s not worth blowing your cover.”

“Screw you, Rainbow!” I called over my shoulder as we left. She waved a hoof dismissively.

We walked by the park. Lyra was lounging on a bench like she often did. When I had asked once, she claimed that her back was crooked due to scoliosis and it was the only way she could get comfortable. I'd later learned that she was only doing it for medical insurance payouts.

The market was located on the next block. We found Applejack at her fruit stand.

“Well howdy, Valiant,” she said with her ridiculous acccent. “Who’s this with you?”

“I am Cheese.”

Applejack looked confused for a moment, but then spotted her cutie mark and put the pieces together. “Well it’s real nice to meet you.”

“Applejack,” I said, “why are you still here if your cart is empty?”

“We sold all our apples earlier. Ah'm just waitin’ on Apple Bloom to get back. Pinkie was makin’ us a pie, and she went to get it.”

“I think I could go for something sweet,” I said. “Why don’t we head over there?”

We passed Apple Bloom on our way to the bakery. She was with her friends, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. They were piloting an advanced robot that walked along on legs.

“Hey Valiant!” said Scootaloo. “Who’s your friend?”

“This is Cheese.”

I saw each of the three fillies look at her cutie mark. Apparently, they all thought cheese was boring. My cutie mark was a hood ornament. They didn’t pay attention that, either.

“We’re gonna go help Applejack now,” said Apple Bloom. “See y’all later!” The robot rumbled away.

“What was that machine?” asked Luna.

“Oh that old thing? It’s a robot. I built it.”

When it sank in the lake a while back, I built a better one. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had attempted to get cutie marks for underwater salvage, which to surprise of many resulted in successful recovery of the robot, although no marks. Since I had a better model now, I let them declare finder’s keepers.

“I should like to learn more about these ‘robots’.”

“Sure, I’ll get to that later.”

We arrived at Sugarcube corner. Pinkie was happy to see us. “Oh my gosh, a visitor to town! You know what that means!”

“No, I don’t,” said Luna. She looked happy to have made the jump to using apostrophes in her speech.

“I have to throw you a party!”

Sensing things could quickly go downhill, I said, “How about we just settle for some treats now? That’ll give you more time to plan the party.”

“Oh, that’s a great idea Valiant! Here, I’ve been working on something new.” She grabbed a tray out of the kitchen with some kind of pastries on it. She set plates in front of us and served the treats.

I snarfed mine. I wish I could have come up with a better adverb for that, one that didn’t reference Thundercats, but I couldn’t, and so I snarfed it.

Luna raised hers to her mouth and took an elegant bite. Pinkie stared at her, evidentially wondering how she was moving the pastry without a magic horn.

I was contemplating whether snarfed was actually a verb, rather than an adverb, when suddenly I discovered that there was something crunchy inside the treat. I swallowed and said, “Pinkie, what did you put in these things?”

Successfully distracted from Luna, Pinkie turned to me. “Oh, flour and sugar and butter and milk and cream and pecans and—”

“Pecans!?” I shouted. “You know I’m allergic to nuts!”

“Yeah! I thought it would be a funny prank.” She smiled.

“It’s not a prank, it’s attempted murder!” I gasped as my throat swelled shut.

“So this is a modern hospital,” said Luna. She was back to looking like herself.

I nodded, still a little wheezy. I hadn’t really needed to visit the emergency room, but Mr. and Mrs. Cake insisted. Something about liability lawsuits had been said.

“I hope we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here,” said Twilight. She and her five friends were with us.

“Pinkie’s psychic?” suggested Applejack.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Just because she was somehow able to see through the disguise doesn’t mean she has freaky mental powers.”

“She does have freaky pranking powers, though,” said Rainbow.

“I was just showing Princess Luna a good time.” Pinkie giggled. “It’s a good thing you’re orange, Valiant. If you were blue, the suffocation wouldn’t show.”

That was messed up on many levels. If I had fingers, I would have showed her one. In the meantime, I settled for a scowl.

There was a commotion outside and Princess Celestia came through the ER doors.

“Princess,” said Twilight, getting up. “What are you doing here?”

“Valiant didn’t send a report like he was supposed to,” said Celestia. “I’d like to talk to him alone.” The other ponies got up and began leaving the room.

“Not my fault,” I managed to rasp. “Nut allergy.”

“Then it’s a good thing you aren’t interested in stallions!” sang Pinkie on her way out. The other ponies tittered, even Rarity and Fluttershy. I heard Princess Luna ask, “What’s that mean?”

After the door shut, Celestia said, “Do you know why I asked you to do this for Luna?”

“You hate me?”

She laughed. “No, nothing simple like that. She’s just not on good terms with the Elements of Harmony.”

“I thought it was actually Nightmare Moon that got blasted?”

“Well, you try having your only acquaintance for a thousand years suddenly taken away by half a dozen ponies wearing shiny jewelry.”

“Huh. I guess I never considered it that way.”

“She’ll get better in time,” said Celestia. “You’ve made so much progress already. She’s already dropped the Royal ‘we’ in her speech.”

“Yeah, dragging things down to my level is one of my specialties.”

“Well, I’ll be going then.” Celestia headed for the door.

“Hey, wait! While you’re here, I want to talk to you about the cruel autocracy that you run.”

“Valiant, I’ve read about your thoughts regarding ‘democracy’ in Twilight’s letters. It’s not going to happen.” She pushed open the door. “Get well soon!”

"Sic semper tyrannis," I muttered. I may not be too good with history, but I knew that phrase. I wished I could remember whether it was Lincoln or Booth who said it.

That night at the library, I lay on the couch trying to doze off. While I was still firmly convinced that I was dreaming in real life and therefore did not need rest in sleep life, going to bed in Equestria would advance me to the next day more quickly.

And what a day it was going to be. Luna wanted to drive the robot.

Author note:
Want to know more about the adventures of Valiant and learn how he got to Equestria? Check out my other story, A Dream, which closely follows the plot of the show.

Cheese and Spiders part 6

Werewolf Big Macintosh, who was a mare thanks to this crazy universe switcheroo, may have burned any evidence and letter she had from the mysterious Eight Legged Freak, but there was still something left, as Princess Luna revealed.

“ELF is staying at the Ponyville Hotel,” he said.

“Well, that was easy, but how is Big Mac tied into this?” I asked.

“She came by while that restaurant lawyer was harassing you,” said Twilight. “She said something about smelling spiders over by the hotel.”

“How does one smell spiders?” asked Luna.

“Moving on,” I said quickly. Technically, I was the only one who knew Mac was a werewolf. “I know we’re going on about the presence of spiders, but how does that help us find ELF? It could just be spiders.”

“There was also maniacal laughter heard,” added Luna.

I nodded. “Okay, I’m sold. Let’s go.”

Twilight, Luna, and I trooped out of the library. Crispy the restaurant lawyer was there. Luna slapped him with habeas corpus and made him buzz off. Sometimes, an unrestricted government works to your advantage.

Down the street at the hotel, something was definitely wrong. I glanced up at the building. “When Big Mac said that she smelled spiders, he may have literally meant that they crawled into her nose because they’re so thick.”

The hotel was covered in webs. Pinkie was there, stuck in them. He didn’t seem to mind, though, and was giggling like mad.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Well, earlier when we went to the karaoke club I warned you about Mr. Ears and nopony thought to ask how I knew about him.”

That was true. We’d been too caught up in getting information from Mr. Ears that we hadn’t thought to ask. I said, “Okay, how do you know about him?”

“I met up with an old friend and he told me his whole dastardly plan. Then he said to stick around.” Pinkie jiggled the spider webs and giggled again. “It’s such a funny joke.”

“So who is this old friend?” I asked.

“Who?” called a voice. “None other than the great and powerful Trixie!”

A robot—one I hadn’t built!—came walking up on eight steel legs. A blue unicorn wearing a purple cape clasped with a large ruby dismounted and came creeping over. I say creeping, because when a pony had eight legs like he did, there’s no other way to describe it. It’s freaking creepy creeping.

“So you’re the ELF,” I said.

Trixie looked confused. His face still resembled female Trixie even if the voice was different. Perhaps it was part of the extensive changes he had gone through. “What?”

“Come on, you branded yourself as the Eight Legged Freak and didn’t think about possible acronyms?” I sighed. “This town needs a better quality of villains.”

“But Trixie is,” he said. “In fact, he has you to thank for that. Your so-called nuclear bomb caused this.”

My eyes lit up. “No kidding? For once radiation didn’t result in horrible, deadly mutations?”

He growled. “And now, Trixie is going to have his revenge. On you, on Twilight Sparkle, on this whole town! This robot was constructed specifically to help with that task!”

“There are a few basic problems with that logic. One, you might be an eight legged freak, but you’re still Trixe, which is kind of a gay name for a stallion, by the way. That’s a problem, because you’re an arrogant moron with less magic than mouth.”

I threw my voice in a poor imitation of Trixie. “And what’s the other problem, Valiant?”

Returning to normal, I said, “I’m glad you asked, Trixie! The second problem is, there’s no way I would let you beat me in a robot duel!”

“We’ll see about that,” she said.

“No, we won’t,” said Luna. “I may not be Celestia, but why don’t we just banish her to the moon?”

I thought for a moment. “Well...”

Luna lit up his horn. Trixie looked like he might have some idea what was about to happen and sprinted to climb back in the robot. Sudden realization hit me. “Wait, we still don’t know who built the robot or who the Crystal King is—”

But I wasn’t able to stop the spell in time, and Trixie went to the moon. It wasn't even very dramatic to watch. Freaking loony Luna.

“Great,” I grumbled. “Now she has the ultimate high ground. What made you think that putting a mutated freak with a robot in space was a good idea?”

“Nopony said that she could breathe,” said Luna.

I nodded. “Oh okay, that works. I just hope her buddy the Crystal King doesn’t give her a hand or something. Then again, I wouldn’t mind kicking his ass.” I frowned. “Wait a minute, alternate universe, so…her ass?”

“I think we can agree that the gender and title identity issues in Universe 63 really make these things hard to talk about,” said Twilight.

I shrugged. “I just want to kick ass. Any ass. Is that too much to ask?”