It had happened again. Twilight and her friends had dropped everything to run off on some dangerous errand for Princess Celestia and left Spike in charge of the cleaning up the mess they left in their wake. Normally, this would be fine and Spike would do it without complaint, but today he was supposed to be hanging out with Snips and Snails. Twilight, however, had ordered Spike to not leave the library until she and her friends returned, leaving Spike to clean up and be very cross about the whole situation.
Suddenly, there was a loud crashing noise just outside the library entrance, followed by a cry of “My Bad”. Rolling his eyes, Spike paused from his work to let Derpy, the town’s favorite Mailmare, into the library. This was a common occurrence when it came to Derpy Hooves. In fact the only things that were more prominent about Derpy than her clumsiness were her eyes, her inability to follow directions, and her love of muffins. As such, all of Ponyville had long since prepared their homes for Derpy’s daily deliveries. The homes had mild shields on them the prevent most damages Derpy could cause, packages Derpy delivered had prepaid labels on them so that ponies who received packages they didn’t order could reship the package for free, and every household had an emergency supply of Derpy muffins, to reward the grey Pegasus for her work.
Dropping a package that was clear marked for Canterlot on the Twilight’s writing podium, Derpy turned to Spike. “Thanks, Spike. I guess I botched my landing again.”, she said with a laugh. Spike stepped into the kitchen for a moment and returned with a double chocolate chip muffin, which he tossed to Derpy. As Derpy caught it in her mouth, Spike chuckled at the look of glee on her face. “That fine.” Sighed Spike, as he turned to get back to his work. Before he could though, Derpy stopped him. “Are you doing alright, Spike?” Derpy asked.
“It’s just that, when even a power hungry god shows up or a rare magical ailment occurs, Twilight and her friends always drop everything and expect me to clean up after them. And, because of all these adventures they run off on, I have to give up on things that I want to do in order do Twilight’s job while she’s out.” Said Spike. Derpy put a hoof on Spike’s shoulder. “Spike, let me tell you something.” Derpy began and a piano could magically be heard in the background.
(Cue Schadenfreude from Avenue Q)
"Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy." Derpy solemnly sang. "I'll say." came Spike's sad reply. "And when I see how sad you are, it sort of makes me...Happy!" Cheer filled Derpy's voice as continued. "Happy?!" Spike cried out in an almost betrayed voice.
"Sorry, Spikey, pony nature- Nothing I can do! It's... Schadenfreude! Making me feel glad that I'm not you." Derpy sang and chuckled. "Well that's not very nice, Derpy!" Spike told her with annoyance. "I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!" Derpy replied before breaking out in song once again.
"D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?" she asked. "Yeah..." Spike replied, unsure of where this song was going. "And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses?" she questioned. "Sure!" Spike said, think back to Twilight during the Winter Wrap Up. "And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy, Watching people out in the rain?!" She inquired. "You bet!" said Spike, now getting into the enthusiasm of the song. "That's..." Derpy began. "Schadenfreude!" the pair concluded. "Ponies taking pleasure in your pain!" Derpy cheered with a chuckle.
"Oh, Schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?" Spike asked, having hear of the word in passing, during one of Twilight's studying binges. "Yup! It's Germane for "happiness at the misfortune of others!" Derpy said, happy that Spike was finally catching on. "Happiness at the misfortune of others." That is Germane!" Spike said, having read up on Germane culture and its bloody history.
It was now Spike's turn to break out into song. "Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken!" "Or watching a frat colt realize just what he put his dick in!" Derpy replied. "Being on the elevator when somepony shouts "Hold the door!" Spike supplied. "No!!!" Schadenfreude!" the duo replied. "Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!" Derpy cackled.
"Ooh, how about... Straight-A students getting Bs?" Spike said, with Twilight in mind. "Exes getting STDs!" countered Derpy, her "dear" ex-husband being the first to come to mind. "Waking doorcolts from their naps!" Spike supplied. "Watching tourists reading maps!" cheered Derpy. "Hoofball players getting tackled!" came Spike's reply. "CEOs getting shackled!" Derpy said, thinking of an old boss of her's. "Watching actors never reach the ending of their Oscar speech!" They exclaimed together, before breaking out into cheers of Schadenfreude.
Derpy, seeing that they had now calmed down a little, continued. "The world needs ponies like you and me who've been knocked around by fate. 'Cause when ponies see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great!" Spike smiled and replied. "Sure! We provide a vital service to society!" Derpy threw a hoof over Spike's shoulder and the pair exclaimed "You and me!Schadenfreude! Making the world a better place... Making the world a better place...Making the world a better place...To be!" Derpy took a deep breathe and conclude with a cry of "S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!", after which the pony and drake feel to the floor laughing.
The Pegasus and the dragon finally stopped laughing after a few minutes, at which point Derpy turned to Spike. “See, Spike. You are doing a great job in your own right. While you may not always get the respect you may want, you are still helping others by simply being yourself.” Said Derpy, with grin. “I hear what others say about me when they think I can’t hear. I know my eyes make me look funny. I know I’m accident prone and that my accidents tend to spread. I especially know that reaching my destination is almost impossible for me. But I keep trying, and my constant effort encourages others to do the same. Though between you and me, the muffins are a huge incentive to keep failing.” Derpy concluded with a chuckle.
With her song sung and a laugh being had with the young dragon, Derpy gave Spike a pat on the back for all his hard work, before continuing on her. Spike, his spirits raised, decided to bring about some Schadenfreude of his own. He leaving a note on the door for Twilight and closing up the library, Spike left to have fun with his friends. He only wished he could be there to see the look on Twilight’s face when she had to clean up the library herself.
