Knighty meets a fan
By thebandbrony
It was a cool, breezy spring afternoon. A dark cerulean-blue pegasus was cantering slowly down the streets of Canterlot. He wore saddlebags, clearly ladened with the various groceries he had recently purchased. "Ahh," he sighed contentedly, "This is the life." He spoke with an absolutely charming British accent. "Poultron's got the site covered for the evening, I'm all done with my errands, and I have the rest of the night to myself." He sighed again. "This is wonderful."
He ran a hoof through his electric green mane before continuing on to his apartment. His place stood on the outskirts of town in one of the cheaper apartment complexes on the block. He never really could afford much more than basic comforts (computer programming will only get you so far), but it never bothered him. He got to do what he loved, and that's more than most ponies could say.
Reaching his apartment, he fumbled with the keys before managing to jimmy them into the lock. With a twist of his wrist, the door unbolted, and he walked into his flat.
The room wasn't exactly "clean" by any standards. A few piles of dirty laundry were stacked next to door, patiently waiting to be taken to the laundromat for cleaning. The dull, beige paint that unceremoniously adorned the walls was starting to thin and even peel in the corners.
His furnishings faired no better. The couch that adorned the center of the room was still in rough shape, its thick cushions faded and slightly torn. The same went for a small matching chair that sat next to the sofa. They both had a permanent stink on them, no matter how many times he sprayed them with FaBreeze. He had, however, recently purchased a new plush, black swivel chair that now sat in the corner. The thing gave some much needed life to the room. To his left was a small hallway leading to his bedroom.
It wasn't perfect, but is was home.
He smiled warmly, remembering all the good times he had in the place. He continued to reminisce as he walked into the small kitchen adjacent to the foyer and began putting away his groceries. The kitchen wasn't real messy, so the task went by quickly. He deposited his now-empty saddlebags near the door and plopped down on the couch, sinking in to its soft, worn cushions.
"Ahh. I have the whole evening to myself." He normally didn't talk to himself, but he was alone in the comfort of his own home, so he didn't see the harm. "Time to catch up on some reading." He reached under the couch and picked up a trashy looking romance novel. A dashing, muscular stallion with an impeccable mustache dancing with a beautiful mare in front of a sunset on a beach adorned the cover.
"Oh ho ho... This is gonna be good!"
He had just started his reading when he heard a shuffling noise coming from the direction of his bedroom.
"What the..." He tore his attention from the book and looked uneasily down the hallway leading to his bedroom. The noise had stopped, but his premonitions remained.
He shrugged. "Hmpf. Must've been nothing." Having dismissed the noise, he eagerly turned his attention back to the book.
Only seconds after he had done so, the noise came again, only this time louder.
"Hello?" He craned his neck as he scanned the hallway. Once again, there appeared to be no origin to the strange noise. With an exasperated huff, he returned his gaze to the book, keeping his peripherals trained on the hallway.
Only moments later, more shuffling noises emanated from the bedroom, this time accompanied by the distinct sound of crinkling paper.
"Okay, that's it." He threw down the book with a huff and trudged toward his bedroom. "Nothing interrupts my reading time! I'm getting to the bottom of this!" For a brief moment, it crossed his mind that some horrible burglar or chainsaw killer could be behind the door, but he dismissed the thought. Whatever was making that noise was going to pay for interrupting his reading. He steeled himself, then barreled straight into his room.
"Ah!" He stared, horrified at the sight in front if him. His usually organized room had been completely torn to shreds. His clothes, normally left in semi-organized piles in the corner, were now in crumpled heaps all around the room. All the books on his bookcase had been thrown about the room haphazardly. His bed had been dismantled, his sheets torn apart violently. The filing cabinet next to his bookcase was rifled through, most of the files strewn about the room.
"What the bloody hell?" he shrieked. "It took me months to organize that file drawer!" He ran over to the remains of his bookcase and dropped to his knees, tears in his eyes. "All my books... Ruined..." Rage suddenly filled his eyes. "Who did this?"
In reply, the head of a unicorn popped out of a large pile of shirts. "I did!" he practically shouted.
"Gaah!" He stumbled backwards, not expecting to actually be answered. He ended up tripping over his front hooves and falling. His head connected with the wall, and he let out a moan. "Ow..."
The intruder didn't seem to notice his injury at all. "Hi! I'm Cotton Candy, but you can call me CC for short. Oh, I'm so glad to finally meet you, Knighty! I'm your biggest fan! It took a lot of searching, but I finally found you!" The unicorn stared at him intently. Knighty couldn't help but notice that this unicorn had a very bad case of Crazy Eyes. He had a pine tree-green coat and a wispy pink mane that vaguely resembled cotton candy. On his flank was a picture of a large pink ball of fluff, presumably cotton candy.
"You..." said the dumbstruck Knighty, "Broke into my house... And tore apart my room. Why?"
"Well, I let myself in because you weren't home. And," CC said with a sheepish grin, "I kinda got bored waiting for you. So I decided to look around a bit. You have great taste in literature, by the way."
This was all overwhelming to poor Knighty. He sat on his haunches, rubbing his head as he did. "Wait... How do you even know me? I'm not a celebrity or anything."
"Well of course you are! You're the creator of fimfiction!"
His heart sank. "So that's what this is all about," he muttered.
"Yeah, that's what it's about!" CC shouted. "Your site is literally the only thing I do all day!" His eye began to twitch involuntarily as he continued his rant. "I quit my job and moved back in with my parents so I could focus on your website! Well," he rubbed his hoof on the back of his head, blushing slightly, "That and my writing."
Knighty locked eyes with the crazed unicorn. "Oh, you write?"
CC's eyes lit up. "Only all the time! Here, let me show you my work!" Before Knighty could respond, the unicorn had made a beeline to his computer. Using his magic, he punched several keys, and with a bright hum, the computer came to life. "I have all my work up on fimfiction! I'll show you!"
All the while, Knighty was slowly making his way out of the room, silently willing himself to be as quiet as possible. Without breaking his stare at the crazed fan now incessantly tapping away at his computer, he tip-hoofed out of his room. As soon as he was out, he turned and broke into a gallop.
He was almost to the door when he heard a fizzle and a pop around him. Suddenly, he was falling through darkness, tumbling head over hooves in an inky black void.
Just as suddenly, the falling sensation stopped. Knighty opened his eyes to find himself back in his room.
Teleportation, he thought to himself. Crap.
His thoughts were cut off by a pink glow forming around him. Before he could protest, he found himself being lifted off the ground. He was flipped upside down and brought face to face with Cotton Candy. The crazed fan smiled sadistically as he spoke. "Oh, silly Knightly. You can't get away that easy." His lips began to curl downward in a frown. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't want me here."
Knighty felt panic begin to set in as he fought futilely availed his captor's hold. "Are you going to kill me?"
"What? No!" CC furrowed his brow in contemplation. "Well, maybe. That all depends on how well you comply with my demands."
"Now you have demands?" Knighty was incredulous.
"Yeppers! My first demand," he said, "is for you to read my stories!"
Knighty's features softened. "Oh... Okay then. J-Just don't teleport me again. I don't think my stomach can take any more of it."
The unicorn beamed at the submission of his prisoner. "Fantastic!" he gestured to the computer screen. "Read away! I'll be expecting a full critique when you're done!"
Knighty nodded, shakily making his way over to the screen. The story he was evidently supposed to read was already open and waiting.
The Third Immortal: The Amazing Adventures of Starbright The Alicorn
Upon seeing the title, Knighty felt his head begin to ache. He rubbed his temples in a vain attempt to quell the throbbing, but to no avail.
He turned to his captor, a bemused expression on his face. "Let me guess... An OC Alicorn with no memory falls in love with the Mane 6."
CC's jaw fell open in shock. "How'd you know?"
He simply groaned in reply.
"I still expect you to read it." He turned to see an unamused expression on his captor's face. Not wanting to anger him any more, Knighty just decided to go with it.
He glanced at the word count, and facehoofed. "Two hundred thousand words? Really?" He sighed. "Well, I wanted to spend the night reading..."
"...And he and Fluttershy lived happily ever after. The end." Knighty sighed, forcing his eyes off the screen. They were red and bloodshot, an unfortunate side-effect of staring at a computer screen for several hours. "There, I read it. Can you let me go now?"
"HA HA HA! No," replied his captor with a smirk. "So, what did you think? Was it not the greatest story on the site?"
Knighty was at a loss for words. He certainly didn't want to insult this crazed fan's writing, lest he turn violent. "Well, um... It was certainly-"
He was cut off by a hoof being shoved in his mouth. "Say it's great, or I'll kill you."
The look in his captor's eyes told Knightly that he wasn't joking. He managed to force out, "It was a great read."
CC beamed. "You really think so?"
He received a look of unbridled frustration from his captive. "Can you please just leave? I'm quite tired of being held against my will, thank you very much."
"Oh, now what fun would that be? And besides," CC began to circle Knightly like a shark, "I'll be here for a while. It's not like any of your friends are around to help you. It's just you and me, Knighty. Trust me," he cackled menacingly, "We're going to have lots of fun. We'll-"
In a blatant contradiction to his previous statement, the front door to Knighty's apartment exploded, sending tiny wooden splinters into the walls around the foyer.
"What the hay?" snarled CC.
As if the respond, a brilliantly peach-colored earth pony with flaming orange hair orange jumped into the hallway. "BA BA BAOOO! POULTRON's HERE!" Without pausing, he ran to Knighty's captor and promptly bucked him square in the face, sending him flying into a wall with an audible thud.
With a snort, Poultron cantered up to Knighty. "Hey man, who's the creep?"
Knighty was too stunned for mere words. "Poulty... Why are you here? I thought you were out watching the site."
Poltroon shrugged, causing his electric orange mane to dance about his shoulders. "I got Wlah to do it. That little pussy'll do anything I tell him to do."
Knighty was a bit taken aback by the blatant profanity. "But... How'd you know I was in trouble?"
"Well, DUH!" spat Poultron, striking a dramatic pose. "My POULTRON SENSE was tingling!"
They both looked at each other for a moment before they both burst out laughing. "Oh man," stuttered Knighty in between choked laughs, "You never cease to surprise me."
"That's why you love me."
"You sure love getting your ego stroked, don't you?"
Poultron gave Knighty a come hither stare an replied in his sultriest tone possible, "That's not the only thing I like getting
stroked."
He blushed furiously. "Poulty! Not now!"
The earth pony moved in and, before Knighty could pull away, planted a big wet kiss right on his lips. It was brief, but the soft, firm feel of his lips made Knightly want to beg for more. "Well... M-maybe later," stammered Knighty, whose face had gone as red as a tomato.
All the while, Knighty's captor was recovering from his initial hit. He now stood off in the corner, stating at the pair incredulously. "Wow, I knew you ponies were weird, but I didn't expect you to be coltcuddlers! That's just disgusting!"
At this, Poultron turned to face the assailant. "He's crazy AND an ignorant homophobe? Oh, this punk's totally gonna die." He punctuated his point by pawing at the ground and cracking his neck with several staccato pops.
Cotton Candy was only able to utter a feeble "Aw crap," before his face was greeted by Poultron's front hooves. The impact sent him flying against the wall with a dull thud.
"Ow, that really hurt-" He was cut off as Poultron lifted him up over his head. "Woah! Just what are you doing? Get your grubby hooves offa me!"
Instead of answering, Poultron began to make his way towards the room's window, grunting under the strain of lifting the unicorn. "H-Hey now," CC's voice began to break as the first signs of panic creeped into his mind, "There's no need for violence. Can't we just talk about this for a sec?"
"He he... Nope." Heaving with all his might, Poultron wound up and tossed the pink-maned unicorn out the window.
Cotton Candy flailed his legs uselessly in mid-air for a fleeting second before connecting with the window. The pane of glass exploded into a million tiny shards of opalescent light as Knighty's torturer sailed through the storm of glass and onto the street below. He attempted to stand, but only fell again as hundreds of tiny, razor sharp bits of glass rained down on him from above.
"Gaah! Sweet Celestia that stings!" CC snarled ad he desperately swiped at the stray pieces if glass still falling on his head.
Poultron gave an amused smirk before leaning out the window and spitting on the deposed assailant below. "And stay out!"
Knighty trotted to his side. Together, they watched as the unicorn muttered obscenities as he began to limp slowly away.
"Was that spitting really necessary?"
"Absolutely." Poultron turned and planted another sloppy kiss on Knighty. This time he didn't fight it.
After some time, they broke the kiss, panting heavily. "Thanks for saving me."
Poultron beamed at the sudden shift of spotlight. "Not a problem, my dear Knighty. Actually," he replied with a sultry gaze, "I think I know how you can repay me."
Knighty rolled his eyes. He knew where this was going, and knowing Poultron, he wasn't going to give this issue up very easily. "Not now, Poulty."
Poultron was visibly disappointed at that. He turned his face into a mock pout and stated at his companion, batting his eyes like a proverbial damsel I'm distress. "Just a quickie? Please?"
"No, now's not the time for-"
"Pleeease?" Poultron batted his eyelashes harder. Knightly swore that he felt a breeze generated by his partner's ridiculous antics.
"Poulty, I was just held hostage for the better part of the night! Does that even matter to you?"
He shrugged. "If anything, it only makes the situation more arousing." With that he resumed his previous eyelash-batting attack.
For his part, Knighty knew that Poulty wouldn't give up until he had gotten what he wanted. "Augh, fine. Just a quickie, though."
"Yay!" Poultron squealed as he pulled the reluctant pegasus onto the bed. "You won't regret it, I just know it!" With that he pulled the sheets over himself and his partner, shrouding their "activities" from the rest of the world.
As the two were getting into it, a single, fleeting thought popped into Knighty's head.
Perhaps it would have been wise to board up that broken window...
-----Epilogue
It had been nearly two weeks since Knighty's ordeal with his crazed fan. He and Poultron had fixed the window in his bedroom (after receiving several complaints about strange and unusual noises coming from their apartment), he had reorganized his room to its pristine pre-invasion state, and life had pretty much returned to normal for the cerulean pegasus and his partner.
Knighty was happily typing away at his computer, hooves breezing over the keys rhythmically, when his computer chirped. He looked instinctively to the bottom of the screen, where a small box had appeared.
1 new message
Without even thinking, he scrolled over and clicked on the notification. It was nothing special-people sent him messages every day. Sometimes it was just a question concerning the site's working. Sometimes it was an angry user armed with a strongly worded message who wanted the old site format back. Sometimes it was a fellow mod looking for advise on some important issue. Sometimes it was just a friendly brony who wanted to say "hi".
As he brought up the message box, he began to skim through it. However, as he read the words on the screen, his eyes began to grow wide. Panic surged in his chest as his heart rate increased, and he began to hyperventilate. As he finished reading the message, he began to pound his hooves into the monitor, softly at first, but increasing intensity until he was unleashing a full blown assault in the screen.
"No... No no NO NO NO!" he screamed as he bashed the screen with all his might until finally, mercifully, it fell off the desk and onto the floor with a dull crunch.
Knighty stood and galloped out if the room, tears streaming down his face. He slammed the door to his bedroom and ran into the foyer, where he collapsed in a heap and began to sob uncontrollably.
Back in the now deserted bedroom, the computer screen lay in ruins, sparks flying out of its inner mechanical workings. Through some force of cruel, twisted fate, the message that disturbed Knightly so much had been frozen on the screen.
Dear Knighty,
I had tons of fun with our little get together two weeks ago. I'm... Disappointed that it had to be interrupted by that brat Poultron, but no matter: I'll have my fun eventually. Once I recover from all these cuts and bruises, I think I'll pay you another visit. Next time, I promise your little coltfriend won't be there to interrupt. I'm practically giddy thinking of all the fun things to do with my idol. I hope to see you real soon, Knightly. I know I can hardly wait.
Much love,
Cotton Candy
A/N: Heh heh heh... U mad Poulty? Anyway, thanks to SwiperTheFox for proofreading this.
