In the middle of a small, well air-conditioned white room, ponies circled around each other, forming an oval in chairs, most of them either sleeping or staring off into space. “Hi everypony,” one mare said. “My name is Berry Punch.”
The group responded with a tired “Hi, Berry Punch.”
“...And I’m here because I started a fight with a royal guard while *hiccup* drunk,” she concluded.
An elder stallion with a grey mane, wrinkles on his forehead and bags under his eyes crossed his hind legs. “And why did you start the fight, Berry?”
“Well, *hiccup* it all started on Mon—” Berry Punch was cut short by a long and exhausted groan that came from the mouth of the female griffon seated next to her. She turned to the griffon and sighed. “Do you have to be rude when I’m—”
“‘Do you have be rude when I’m’— oh shut up,” Gilda mocked. “How about you stay away from the booze, you drunkard, and stop cursing at the guards? Maybe you won’t get arrested all the time.”
“How about you *hiccup* stop thinking about those ‘dweebs’ or you whatever call them just because they hurt your *hiccup* wittle feewings?” Berry Punch replied in a mocking tone, laughing out loud.
Suddenly, Gilda jumped from her seat and leaned in front of the mare’s face. “You don’t know anything, drunkard! As a matter of fact, stick to booze or you’ll get in trouble with that mouth!”
Berry Punch stood up, and leaned closer to Gilda’s face, wearing a smirk. “You Maud bro?” she taunted, standing only a couple of inches away from her, so close that Gilda’s beak and her muzzle almost touched.
Gilda’s anger vanished, suddenly replaced with confusion. “Don’t you mean mad, dweeb?” she asked.
Berry Punch laughed, tripping over a chair as the effects of the booze she drank before the meeting took hold. She got back up and brushed her chest with a hoof before speaking. “That’s what I said. Mad.”
Gilda shook her head. “No, I heard you say Maud.”
“Gilda, go home. *hiccup* You’re drunk,” Berry Punch mumbled through burps and hiccups. Then she fell to the floor, her snarky replies replaced with a loud snore. It was apparent that she had fallen asleep.
“Doc, why do I gotta be in this dump?” the angry griffon hissed, crossing her arms. “It’s the same thing over and over again with this drunk dweeb!”
The old doctor, Notepad, sighed. “You need to be here to help with your abandonment issues,” he told her in a professional yet irritated tone. “We’ve talked about it since you got here, well over three months ago!”
“Pfft, whatever,” Gilda said, crossing her arms again and turning her back away from the doctor. “I shouldn’t be here, they should! Especially that Pinkie dweeb. Oooh, when I get my claws on her I’m just gonna —ugh!” she growled, her claws shaking in anger.
Notepad stood up from his chair and trotted to Gilda. He placed a foreleg over Gilda’s back, pushing her away from the group. Making sure the rest of the ponies were out of earshot, he turned to Gilda. “Gilda, you either stop having this problem with Dash or, as your mother told me (and I quote), ‘Make up with Dash or you’ll be out with that ass.’”
“But I need to stay at her place until I get a job!” Gilda growled, pushing his hoof off of her. “You’re telling me I gotta go back to Ponyville and apologize to thatloser to make everything better?”
Notepad nodded. “Or out with that ass,” he replied, chuckling at his little joke. Then he cleared his throat, saying, “Sorry about that.” Giving a pat on Gilda’s back, he added, “Good luck!” before running back to the group.
Gilda growled. “I hope something kills me before I get there.”
The sound of the clanging metal filled the air as the train came to a screeching halt, waking Gilda up from her nap. She got up from her seat and did a couple of stretches, her body aching from the long ride.
Stepping out of the train, he bumped into a stallion wearing a green sweater with a blonde mane. “Watch it pal! Can’t you see I’m walking here?” Gilda snapped. The blonde-maned stallion didn’t respond or turn around to face the griffon. Instead, he kept on trotting away until he was out of sight.
“I just got here and ponies are already acting like jerks,” Gilda muttered, shaking her head. If she was going to end this thing with Rainbow, she had to control that temper of hers. But how could she when these ponies didn’t even show her some respect? Slowly, she started to walk towards the steps, but stopped when she heard a familiar sweet and soft voice, capturing her attention.
“Now remember, Discord, no discording ponies or chocolate rain while I’m gone, okay?” Fluttershy said, rubbing a hoof on Discord’s mane. “Are you going to behave?”
Discord rolled his eyes. “I would never disobey you, my dear friend Fluttershy. I can assure you—stop that!” he yelled, slapping her hoof off of his mane. With a snap of his fingers, Fluttershy’s bags vanished into the train. “I’ll see you when you get back from your trip!” he exclaimed, pushing her into the train.
“B-but remember to feed Angel when you get home and to-to tend to the chickens! And—woah!” Fluttershy was pushed into the train, landing on her face. Then as the train began moving away from the station, Discord waved goodbye, wearing a smirk on his face.
His smile vanished as the train was out of sight. “Dear Celestia, today I learned that behaving is soo boring and we should all be like Discord!” he joked, imitating Fluttershy’s voice perfectly, laughing as he did so.
He turned around, running into a mare who was struggling to pick up her bags from the ground. He tugged his beard, thinking of a way to help her and prank her at the same time. Suddenly he snapped his fingers as he decided what he should do.
“Need some help?” he asked the mare.
The mare looked at him, then the back to her luggage, and back at him. She shrugged. “Sure, I’ve been trying to get this up the steps for ten minutes now!”
“Allow me.” Discord snapped his fingers again and suddenly the bag stood up with two new legs and began running towards the train, scaring ponies who passed by it.
The bag jumped onto the train and sat down, the legs disappearing off of the bottom. “There you go—” Discord stopped mid-sentence when he noticed that the mare he had ‘helped’ was gone. “Some ponies don’t know how to say ‘thank you,’” he grumbled.
Finished with his fun, Discord looked over to his right and gazed at the busy town until something caught his eye: a lone griffon walking the streets, shoving past ponies and not bothering to say sorry afterwards. Discord had never seen a griffon since he had been turned into stone (both times, mind you). This made Discord intrigued, and he was hardly ever intrigued. Snapping his fingers again, he materialized in front of the female griffon, blocking her path.
“Hey pal, move it!” the agitated griffon snarled.
“Ever so sorry!” Discord faked an apologetic look before finishing, “Let me move out of the way,” only to have his lower body disappear without a trace, allowing Gilda to walk past him. He was now floating in the air with only his upper body showing. “Beautiful day, isn’t it?” Discord marveled, watching the griffon’s bewildered look.
“How did you—”
“Magic,” he interrupted her, his lower half appearing back in place. He chuckled and slithered like a snake around Gilda, pulling her closer to him.
“Now, what is a lovely griffon like you doing in the drab town of Pony—ack!” He was cut short by Gilda’s claws wrapped around his neck, squeezing the life out of him. “A little *cough* agressive *cough* I see.” He coughed once more before saying, “ I like that.”
“Don’t you ever slither around me again.” She pulled him closer, so close that her beak was stabbing Discord in the muzzle. “You understand?”
Discord nodded. “Understood,” he said, feeling her grip tighten. “Could you let me go now?” Reluctantly, she released him, and continued her path away from the draconequus, leaving him with a sore throat. Discord rubbed his neck, muttering something negative about Gilda.With a snap of his fingers, he materialized once again in front of Gilda.
Gilda rolled her eyes, and growled.“Dude, didn’t you learn your lesson the—”
“I know, I know. But I’ve never seen a griffon act so violent!” he mused, summoning a scroll to his claws with magic. He opened it and began looking over it. “Nope. I have never seen one.” The scroll disappeared in a small cloud of smoke as he willed it to go away. “So, griffon—”
“My name is Gilda, dude!”
“Gilda?” He tugged on his beard, humming. “So you’re the one my dear Fluttershy has been telling me about. Oh, the havoc you’ve caused. Tsk, tsk. ” He stopped, and gave Gilda a slow clap of approval. “Bravo.”
“Uh, thanks?”
“But alas, I’ve changed! I’ve been reformed by the kindness of Fluttershy and couldn’t be happier!” he exclaimed, dancing around Gilda incessantly. “Fluttershy also told me you and Dash had once been best friends,” he added, raising an eyebrow and not once stopping his dancing.
Gilda growled. “That little—stop that!” Discord stopped dancing and stood still. “Why is it any of your business of my relationship with Dash?”
“Well, I want to help you.” That made Gilda burst into a fit of laughter, making him laugh too. “I know it’s silly, right? I, the god of chaos, want to help a male griffon out?! How crazy is that?!”
Gilda stopped laughing when she heard his little insult. “Dude, you’ve got five seconds to leave before I hurt you badly.”
“Woah, woah, woah! We were having fun here. Don’t ruin it.” Discord chuckled, raising his claws in the air. “So, as I was saying, I want to reform you like Fluttershy did with me, but with my own methods.”
Gilda arched an eyebrow. “And why would I let you do that?”
He held out a finger as he listed reasons for why it was a good idea to let him help her. “One: it’s fun. Two: you have quite a temper that needs to be fixed. And three: shut up and let’s go!” He snapped his fingers before Gilda could say anything, and they disappeared into thin air.
Step One: Nice Manners and Kindness
Once the teleport was done, Gilda found herself seated at a brown oval table, food lain out for her to feast on. The griffon was about to dive into the food, but a claw that appeared from thin air bopped her on the beak, stopping her from her feast.
“Never eat food when the host hasn’t began his meal.” Discord appeared from out of nowhere and sat down in an empty chair. “It’s rude not asking if it’s okay. Right, Filthy Rich?”
The terrified stallion seated across from Discord shook in fear. “Who are you? And how did you get into my house?!”
Gilda tried to get up from her chair, but her bottom felt glued to the chair.“Dude, you transported me into somepony’s house?!”
“Daddy, I’m scared,” Diamond Tiara said, hugging Filthy Rich and quivering in fear. “Are they going hurt us?”
“No, honey. Not on my watch,” Rich reassured, and hugged his daughter tightly.
“Honey, who are these creatures?!” the wife asked. “And how did they get in our house!”
“I don’t know! I never seen them before in my life!” He stopped, and got a good look at Gilda and Discord sitting across them before saying. “I see why I didn’t! They’re so ugly!”
“Why you little—” Gilda was silenced by Discord’s claw covering her mouth, and her words became mumbled as she shouted in Discord’s claw.
“Excuse my friend here. She is learning how to behave,” he said, his claw muffling the words she was desperately trying to say. He turned to Gila, who stopped shouting in his claw. “Are you going to be nice?”
Gilda nodded, but once he removed his claw, she exhaled, saying, “Don’t ever do that again, you idiot!” Fast as lightning, she reached over and gripped his neck again.
“Gilda, *cough* temper. We talked about that!” Discord snapped his fingers and Gilda’s claw disappeared off his neck and appeared on her chair’s arms, flinging her back onto the seat. “That should keep you contained.” He turned back to the scared family huddled together, forming one big pony. “So, shall we eat!?”
“Who are you creatures?” Filthy shouted again. “Why are you in my damn house? And where the buck is my butler? That old bastard better not be shooting it up again!”
Discord giggled. “Your guard does drugs? How in world wide Equestria is he still alive!”
“I don’t know... magic.” He said, shrugging. “I said that because magic is mostly what solves everything around here.”
“I know right, because I’m god of—”
“Honey, what’s happening!?” his wife interrupted Discord, clutching her filly to her. “What’s happening right now! Why does bad things always gotta happened when we eat dinner!””
“I don’t know why, I’m not Twilight Sparkle! And why are we shouting!”
“I don’t know!”
“Daddy, I’m so confused!” Diamond Tiara interjected, tears running from her eyes. “What’s happening I’m scared!”
“You should be!” Discord exclaimed, and laughed. He cleared his throat before saying, “Ever so sorry, that was way out of line.” He reached over the table and pinched Diamond’s Tiara cheek. “You’re a cute little filly, aren’t you?”
Diamond’s eyes shrunk into tiny pupils and her mouth dropped, freezing into place. The filly didn’t move at all, she was as still as a statue.
“Diamond?” Filthy Rich poked Diamond, but she didn’t answer. Instead, she tilted a bit, almost like a statue. “You son of bitch! What have you done to my daughter!?” Filthy yelled, white hot rage searing through him.
“Me?” He placed a claw on his chest, looking around innocently. “I’ve done nothing wrong!”
The wife turned to her shocked daughter, placed her two hooves on her cheeks, and brought her closer to her face, looking her in the eye. “Honey, please speak to me! You’re scaring mommy and daddy,” she laughed nervously, praying to Celestia that she would be okay.
“Dude, what did you do?!” Gilda shouted. She would have strangled him again, but her claws were stuck to the chair. “I’m so going to kill you when I get out of this!”
“Seriously? All I did was pinch the little brat! I guess she just went into shock.”
“Honey, please speak to Mommy! Please?” Diamond’s mother pleaded, worry creasing her face. “Mommy not going to know what’s wrong if you’re not going to tell her.”
“It….”
“Yes?”
“It…”
“YES?!” everyone in the room said in unison.
“It touched me. It touched me with its dirty claws.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” Gilda growled, facepalming. “All of this because he touched you?”
“Well, it’s Filthy,” the wife replied.
“That’s what she said,” Discord said in the background. Suddenly, he picked up the fork from the table, sliced the food into pieces, and took a bite. “This food is fantastic!” he exclaimed, and stabbed the fork deep into the food, wearing a wide grin on his face. “Anyone want a piece?”
Discord watched as they jumped from his sudden movement, making him laugh. He turned to Gilda and nudged her. “Rule number one: always be the funny guy at the dinner.That’s how you gain their trust.”
“You’re nuts, dude,” Gilda muttered, but flinched when he received a slap to the face from Discord. “Dude, what’s your—” Discord slapped her again. “DUDE!”
“No street talking at dinner. That’s rule number two. Now watch how I eat in a nice and proper manner.” He held up the fork and stabbed it deep into the food, slicing the half into pieces, and took a bite. “Shee?” he asked with his mouth full.
Gila sighed. This dude is nuts! But I gotta play along if I wanna get to Dash’s house. Reluctantly, she picked up the fork from the table and mimicked what Discord did. “Yer right, dis is good!” she exclaimed with her mouth full. Suddenly, she jumped as she received another quick slap from Discord, so hard that the impact made her spit out the food. “DUDE, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!” Gilda yelled at him, food on her chin.
Discord giggled. “Whoops, butterfingers.” He picked up the fork and was about to take another bite, but before he could, a swarm of guards burst into the room, holding up spears and pointing them at Discord. “Great, party poopers,” he mumbled.
“Silence, Discord! You will remain silent or I will force my hoof on you!” shouted one of the guards.
An elder stallion with a grey mane and weak and shaky legs came from behind the herd of guards. “Sorry I took so long, sir. I alerted the royal guards as soon as I saw the intruders,” he said.
“Next time do it faster!”
Gilda leaned into Discord’s ear when the guards backs were turned and whispered, “What are we going to do now?” before leaning back in the chair as soon as she saw the guards turned their attention back at them.
“You forgot?” He held out one finger, wiggling it around. “I can teleport.” He snapped his fingers for what seemed like the millionth time and they disappeared once again into thin air.
A shout from one of the guards told them that Discord had once again slipped from their hooves. One guard looked to the ground, his face turning red as the others looked at each other with confused and angry looks on their faces.
“This always happens, man. I run here, almost catch the bad guy and… And… ” Suddenly the guard broke down into a crying fit, sinking to the floor, sobbing into his hooves. “They always get away from me!” he cried as another guard dropped to the floor and pulled him into a hug.
“Shhh, it’s okay. We’ll catch the bad man. Don’t you worry.” the other guard said, rocking him back and forth like a baby. “We’ll catch him.”
“You promise?” the crying guard asked, his voice higher than usual. The other guard nodded, smiling. “I feel better now. I love you man,” the first guard told him, the tears stopping.
“I love you too, man,” he replied, hugging the guard closer. “I love you too.”
Filthy Rich watched in horror as the two guards hugged each other. He let his head slam into the table. “I hate Mondays!” he groaned.
Step Three: Staring At Yourself In The Mirror
“Wait, what about step two?” Gilda asked, arching an eyebrow as she noticed that they stood at the front door of Rainbow Dash’s cloud home. On impulse, she reached a claw to the door, knocked it a couple times, and waited. “Seriously, though, what happened to step two?”
“You’re right! Step two… Step two… You know what? Screw step two and skip over to step three because Discord is bored!” Discord exclaimed, snapping his fingers. Before long, a shriek that belonged to Rainbow Dash came from within the house. “Step Three: Staring At Yourself In The Mirror,” he announced.
Uh oh. “Discord, what did you do—?”
“—TO ME!” A light blue griffon with a rainbow mane and tail shouted, tackling the draconequus to the cloud. She raised her claw in the air and kept it there, about to force it down on Discord’s face. “You’ve got five seconds to explain to me why I’m a griffon and why Gilda’s here.”
Discord chuckled. “Why, I’m reforming your friend here, Dash, using my methods, and I can say it’s going quite well.” That made Dash put her claw down and relax, only to look at him, confused. “And what better way to reform somepony than to show them how annoying and short tempered they are?!”
“I CAN HEAR, DWEEB!” Gilda shouted from the background.
Rainbow Griffin growled. “I feel so mad right now! And on top of that, I feel like saying ‘dweeb’ at the end of every sentence! Change me back, dweeb! Right now, dweeb!”
Discord burst into a fit of laughter, giggling at Rainbow’s futile attempt to stop saying ‘dweeb’. “Dash… Please stop… Talking! You’re killing me here!” he said between giggles while holding his stomach with a claw.
“It’s not funny, dweeb!” Rainbow Griffin gripped Discord’s throat with both claws and picked him up from the ground, holding him in the air. “Change me back now, dweeb!”
“First *cough* Gilda’s gotta see *cough* her true colors!” Discord shouted, feeling his eyes roll in the back of his head and the life getting squeezed out of him.
Gilda watched Rainbow Dash killing Discord until something in her heart snapped. “Stop!” she yelled, launching herself at Rainbow and pushing her to the cloud, making Discord fall as well. “Dude, you almost killed him!”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I wasn’t going to kill him. I was just softening him up.”
Gilda forced out a laugh. “You’re lying. You were going to kill. I know that because that’s how I felt when you abandoned me for your lame friends. All this rage I felt when you chose them over me just filled me, because I thought I was your best friend.”
Rainbow Dash sighed.“Gilda, I—”
“I’m not finished.” Gilda got off of Dash, letting her up. “Discord made me realize how violent I could get when I don’t get what I want. And that’s the problem I didn’t see, because I only think about myself.”
Dash smiled, and surprised both Gilda and Discord by pulling her into a hug “Thank you finally realizing that, dweeb.”
Gilda growled, feeling a little anger in her rise.“Excuse me?”
“Sorry, still can’t control it,” Rainbow Dash said, chuckling. She broke the hug and smiled. “You wanna come inside and eat some dinner Fluttershy left me?”
Gilda smiled back. “That would be cool.” But the sound of familiar slow clapping made her turn around. “What you clapping about, dweeb?”
“You did it, Gilda!” Discord smirked, brushing off his shoulder with a claw. “Not without my help, of course, but you did finally realize your mistakes. Now, I’ve got to go. There’s places that need some more chaos.” And with a snap of his fingers, he was gone, and Rainbow was changed back to her normal pony form.
“That was something,” Rainbow said, smiling. “Like weird, but cool type of something.”
“Yeah, Discord’s an asshole, but sometimes, he can be helpful,” Gilda said, walking towards her friends’ home. “So how did it feel to be an awesome griffon like me, Dash?” she asked playfully.
“Like a raging animal,” Rainbow Dash joked, earning a chuckle from Gilda. “But it was sorta cool to have that kind of strength!”
“Yep, and that’s why I always beat you in a hoof wrestle,” Gilda gloated.
“That was a good one, Gilda!” Rainbow Dash laughed, taking a bite from the hay sandwich she had in front of her.
Gilda nodded, and smiled calmly. “It’s good to be talking to you again, Dash.”
“You too,” she agreed. She took another bite and moaned in delight. “Fluttershy knows how to cook a meal!”
“It’s really that good?” Gilda asked.
Rainbow Dash nodded. “Like over the top good!”
The griffon shrugged, picked up the fork from the table, sliced the food into pieces, and took a bite. “Hmm, this isn’t half bad, Dash,” she said after she swallowed.
Rainbow Dash smirked.“Told ya!”
Gilda chuckled. “Dash, when you were a griffon...”
Rainbow Dash stopped eating and looked at her friend. “What about it? If it’s about me almost killing Discord, I’m sorry about—”
“No, it’s not that!” Gilda interrupted, rubbing the back of her neck while blushing furiously. “It’s just… You looked kinda hot when you were a griffon.”
Rainbow Dash stared at Gilda for what seemed like forever. Then she shrugged, simply saying, “I knew that.” They both laughed, enjoying dinner as two reunited best friends, back together after a very long time. Gilda couldn’t be happier.