I guess it has to be my destiny

by Pickleless

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Comedy, Random
Length: 968

A man finds a dead Applebloom on his doorstep, he is mildly disgruntled.

A man finds a dead Applebloom on his doorstep, he is mildly disgruntled.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-06 00:30:03 UTC

It's rude to oppose one's destiny, wouldn't you say?

There was a knock on the front door. He proceeded to stare at the dead bloody corpse of a small yellow… Horse? Cat? It’s like the body of a horse. But it has the size of a cat and the face that looks like a mix between the two. The...the Cat Horsie. He proceeded to stare down at the cat horsie for much longer than he intended, trying to work out what it was.

“Huh.” He grunted.

He picked up and tossed into a nearby bush and went back inside. Crazy kids these days, leaving dead cat horsies on doorsteps. He just finished sitting back down there was another knock on the daughter. Door. I meant door. Now mildly frustrated, he went to open the dau-door.

“Yes?”

The dead body was sitting there again. Now with a couple leaves stuck to it.

“Oh come on.” He said, proceeding to chuck the body out towards the street as far as he can.

He waited at the daughter. Right as he heard the first knock he opened up the daughter. Standing before him was a orange cat horsie. She had a short, rustled purple mane. Her eyes were locked onto his in a apathetic unblinking stare. She was holding a shotgun in one hoof. Explaining how the other cat horsie died. Her other hoof was frozen, in the middle of trying to knock on his door. Stopping once she saw him.

“Yes, hello, how may I help you?” The man said lethargic, emotionless tone.

The cat horsie just pointed at her left thigh, which had a picture her shooting the yellow one in the chest.

“Amazing, what does this have to do with ME?”

The cat horsie then pointed at his left thigh. Sighing, the man removed his pants and lifted his boxers slightly to look at his thigh. There was a picture of the orange cat horsie and himself carrying the dead body. The man was holding a shovel in one hand.

“Well shit, this is my destiny I guess. Hold on, let me get my shovel.”

“Great, I’ll start up the car.” The cat horsie replied.

“You can talk-wait, where did you get my keys?”

The cat horsie didn’t respond, instead choosing to trot away towards his car. Sighing, he walked back through his daughter and get his shovel. Today was one of those days.

“So who’s the cute white cat horsie with the multi colored hair?” The main said, looking back the thing.

The cat horsie in question was fondling a horn of some kind. Looking at her thigh, he saw a picture of her ripping off a horn off another white cat horsie with purple hair.

“So uh, what's your name-"

"No." The white cat horsie replied.

"But-"

"No."

"But I-"

"Don't ask. Don't comment. Just, don't say anything."

"I'm helping you guys bury a body and I can't even-"

"Nope."

"...Alright then."

The orange cat horsie parked the car outside a playground, in broad daylight, with kids playing on it.

“So what made you choose a kindergarten's playground as the place to bury your dead friend’s body?”

“Shut up and start digging.”

With a shrug, the man started working on the hole. After about five minutes, he saw a bright flash on his right thigh.

“Huh.” The orange said, cocking her gun.

“Woah woah woah! What the hay?”

“Your right thigh.” She said, pointed at it.

I look down at my thigh and see a picture of the orange cat horsie shooting me.

“Oh come on! Two cutie marks?!? That is some serious mary sue bullshit! Man, I don’t even have a name yet!”

“I shall call you Bitchtits.” The orange said calmly, taking aim.

“My name is not Bitchtits.” Bitchtits replied. “Shit, guess my is Bitchtits.”

“Congratulations Bitchtits.”

“I really feel like this name doesn’t fit me.”

“You have absolutely no character stop complaining.

“You’re acting completely out of character shut up.”

“What the Narrator says goes dude.”

“How would you know that unless you were Pinkie Pie or something?”

“Hell if I know.” Pinkie replied. “Oh, that’s how I know!  Okay dokie lokie then!”

*BAM*

Pinkie Pie proceeded to toss Scootaloo into the hole next to Applebloom. As she starting to fill the hole back up, she saw a flash on her right thigh. Looking down, the balloons were replaced with a picture of Pinkie Pie eating Sweetiebelle. Pinkie Pie sighed.

Pinkie bouncing up to the car, opened up the daughter, and climbed in.

“Sweetiebelle, Sweetiebelle! This is really important! I gotta eat you!.”

“Go for it.”

“Wow! I'm glad you okay with this! At first I was like 'Oh no! Rarity is gonna kill me!' but then I realize 'Oh hey, Swetiebelle already killed Rarity earlier!' and then I was sad because one of my bestest friends ever was dead! But that's okay because this is just a fanfic that loosely follows the rules of reality and is about to end any second now! But first I gotta eat you! You sure you're okay with that?.”

“What do I look like? The author?” Pickleless replied. “Of course I'm the author now."

"Oh wow! I heard of self inserts but this takes the cake! So does this mean I'm about to eat god now?"

"Uh, no. I think that would Lauren Faust? Maybe? Look, just because it's your destiny to eat me. Doesn't mean it's my destiny to get eaten-"

Pickleless saw a flash on his/her thigh. Looking down, a cutie mark of a banana being eaten by Pinkie was there.

"Honestly, I would be upset but I really only have myself to blame here."

Pinkie giggled. "Oh silly! Well, I really hope you're into vore!"

Man, destiny can be a bitch sometimes.