Meet the Friends

by Drunken Logic

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Romance, Sex
Length: 6274

Twilight's announcement of her relationship with Rainbow Dash and Applejack goes...less than swimmingly.

Winner of Tchernobog's AppleDashLight Contest.

Applejack, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash could never have been said to be ordinary ponies. So it really shouldn't be all too surprising that they've managed to lead unconventional love lives as well. Love lives that they might have neglected to tell their friends about.

But they’re not worried; the magic of friendship has taught them well, and they are confident the bonds they've formed with their fellow ponies will result in nothing but heartfelt congratulations and acceptance when they make their relationship official.

They are stupidly, stupidly mistaken.

Cover art by the magnificent Conicer.

Edit: Was featured from 4/6/2014 to 4/9/2014. Thank you to everyone who read, commented, or supplied feedback.

Published 2014-04-07 00:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-07 00:20:02 UTC

I Think I Would Have Preferred The In-Laws

“Yer sure yer ready for this, Twi?”

The question was asked with equal parts trepidation, loving concern, and good old-fashioned country twang.

Twilight Sparkle, newly crowned alicorn princess of Equestria (though princess of “what”, exactly, had yet to be determined), sighed gently, the flare of irritation at the umpteenth-repeated question fading with the knowledge that it was asked out of concern. “Yes, Applejack. I’m sure. We’ve put this off long enough. Besides, do you really think it’s going to go over poorly?”

“Well, no...but what if…” The orange-coated farmer chewed her lip nervously, clearly a bit more spooked about the subject than her friend/royal overlord was. This nervousness made her less than prepared for the airborne noogie that descended upon her from above.

“Lighten up, AJ!” Rainbow Dash chuckled from her position of tap-dancing her hooves across Applejack scalp, earning a yelp both surprised and indignant. “This’ll be a cakewalk! We just meet with the rest of the girls, tell them the news, and then we all have a laugh and go home and bang. Loudly. Well, we will. I dunno about them. Unless they wanna join too. Which I’m totally okay with. I mean, have you seen the flank on –” The pegasus pony’s lurid rambling was abruptly halted when Applejack managed to get a hoof around one of Rainbow’s limbs and jerk her to the floor, jamming a hoof in her mouth as her face burned scarlet.

“That’s enough of that out of you, missy.” AJ grumbled, trying to banish her slight curiosity as to whose magnificent behind Rainbow was about to comment on. “Last thing ah need is you makin’ me think about our friends’ flanks while we’re trying to tell them about what we’ve been doing with ours.” Her eye twitched as Rainbow Dash shot her a sly, knowing glance from her position beneath her.

“Come on, you two. AJ, we’re going to be fine. Rainbow, we are not having an orgy. Now can we please get going? We’re going to be late.” Twilight’s face twitched ever so slightly on the last word. She had been getting better, she had. But old worries really were hard to break.

Thankfully, her two lovers, for that was what her friends had become so many weeks ago, noticed her tic, and hastily pushed themselves off the floor and dusted themselves off, ears folded and guilt glinting in their eyes.

“Ahm sorry, Twi. I didn’t mean to make it harder on ya. Just a fair bit nervous; makin’ this relationship public is a fairly big step.”

“We’re only telling our closest friends—“

“Rarity.”

“—point taken.”

The alicorn rubbed her temple with a hoof, only to feel the squeeze of a hug on both sides. Her sigh quickly turned from one of stress to one of contentment, as she happily nuzzled her cuddly comforters.

“You know we’re here for you, egghead. We’re all in this together. I’m just laughing ‘cause I’m a bit nervous too.” Rainbow gulped slightly, looking embarrassed.

“The Rainbow Dash? Embarrassed?” Twilight teased, nudging the pegasus’s flank with her own. “I’d never thought I’d see the day you’d admit to that.”

“Yeah well, what can I say…” mumbled the pegasus, before flicking her eyes up to Twilight’s. “…you do crazy things when you’re in love.”

Twilight’s heart about melted in her chest, and without further warning she grabbed Rainbow’s muzzle and planted her own on it. A little kissy time always did make everything feel better, after all.

AJ grinned, leaning on Twi’s back as she watched the show. Watching RD go all mushy was perhaps one of her favorite pastimes, especially since she got to needle the pegasus about it later. Sometimes at very inconvenient times. Like in bed.

….Celestia, she was adorable.

Twilight broke the kiss with another happy sigh, nuzzling the pegasus before turning her head to smirk at Applejack.

“Enjoying yourself there, cowpony?” Twilight asked with an amused lilt in her voice. AJ’s grin only widened.

“Oh, y’all know me…” The farmer chuckled, waggling her eyebrows lecherously, all traces of embarrassment gone in the face of how much her mares turned her on.

“Mmmmm, I do know you…” Twilight murred, using a hoof to guide Applejack’s muzzle to her own as she gave the southern belle her fair share of attention.

Surprisingly, they were interrupted only a short while into their little tongue tryst by a gentle clearing of the throat.

“Uh, not that I want to stop you guys—I mean, Celestia, I wish I could drag you two upstairs and buck you right now – but I know how you get when you think you’re going to be late, Twilight. And I’d rather not have you go all “tardy-mode” on us while we’re trying to explain this.” Rainbow sheepishly shrugged.

Applejack and Twilight blinked at Rainbow Dash, before looking back at one another and stifling giggles.

“Rainbow Dash, epitome of responsibility. Oh lordy, ah never thought ah’d see the day.” Applejack snorted into her hoof. “This is going to be a heck of a time, ah can tell.”

“She’s right, though. We should get going.” Twilight let the rest of her laughter die down, before extending an open hoof and a loving smile to her two special someponies. “Shall we?”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack smiled back, before moving to take their places alongside their adorable little princess they had come to call their own. With a nudge, a wink, and last chuckle or two, they walked out of the Golden Oaks Library side by side, filled with optimism and laughter where there had once rested anxiety and fear.

In hindsight, all three would agree that this was the stupidest, most bucking, flank-headed, Tartarus-cursed decision they had ever made.

Carousel Boutique could never be said to be busy, per say. The residents of Ponyville simply were not the most…high-brow…of citizens, and didn’t possess the cutting-edge fashion tastes that Rarity catered to. Most of her orders were either custom pieces or orders from abroad, with the biggest consumers being Canterlot. There was a definite advantage to having a nobility that needed to change fashion trends as often as they washed their hooves. Which, considering that dirt had been out for three seasons now, was quite often.

This made the cozy little boutique the perfect place for the other three Element bearers to wait for their friends and the mysterious “announcement” Twilight had nervously informed them of the previous afternoon.

“I must say, darlings, this is rather exciting.” Rarity giggled, fanning herself with a large, magic-held feather from her fashion supplies. “From the look on her face….oooooh, I just know we’re in for some delightfully juicy gossip!”

Fluttershy blushed and mumbled something unintelligible, instead choosing to sip the tea that Rarity had put out for her friends. Pinkie Pie had decided to wear her teacup as a hat, to the surprise of absolutely nopony, and was currently trying to slurp tea out of it regardless.

“I mean, at first I was a bit put-out.” Rarity continued to gush, completely unfazed by the lack of a response. “Can you imagine? Gossip reaching TWILIGHT of all ponies, before moi!?”

Pause for dramatic gasp…

“But then I realized that this must be some sort of Canterlot-sized piece of gossip! She is the princess’s personal student, after all; who knows what social circles she’s run with? Ahhhh, the things I could learn…”

…and finish with a swoon back into her favorite couch, with the feather slipping out of her magical grasp to drift slowly own onto her tail. Tastefully placed, of course.

“…I don’t really know, Rarity…” Fluttershy murmured, as her anxiety reasserted herself over some of the more scandalous thoughts Rarity was pushing. “From the sound of it, Twilight has something really important to tell us. She looked awful worked up about it…” Another quiet sip of tea ended the pegasus’s words.

“Well, yes. She did look rather…stressed. But you know how Twilight can get, darling. She has a small panic attack if she misfiles a book. It might be nothing worth worrying about.”

“Or maybe it’s some super-duper, mega-crazy world-ending, scariest-thing ever threat to Equestria! And the Elements of Harmony won’t be enough and then we’ll all be trapped in a never-ending spiral of despair from which there is no escape and we’ll lose alllllll hope and switch sides, ruling over Equestria with as the iron-hoofed lieutenants of a greater evil the likes of which—MMMMPH.”

Rarity didn’t even bother to look sideways as she magically lifted the now-empty teacup off of Pinkie’s head and jammed it into the yammering mare’s muzzle.

“Pinkie, I’m sure it won’t come to that.” The unicorn chuckled slightly at her comfort with dealing with the delightfully unhinged earth pony, before her muzzle creased into a small frown. “…though it might if Rainbow Dash and Applejack don’t get here on time. We all KNOW how Twilight is about punctuality. Where are those two!? Probably off napping or apple-ing or what have you—“

BANG

“We’re here! We’re not late, are we!? Of course we’re not, we can’t be I calculated our rate of speed precisely!”

Princess Twilight Sparkle stood in the doorway, panting heavily from the panic-inspired sprint she had broken into in the last two hundred yards at the thought of being 13.6 seconds late. Applejack and Rainbow Dash, both looking torn between amusement and concern, were standing behind her.

“Darling, no no no! You’re not late at all! Come in, come in! Sit down and have yourself some tea.” Rarity rushed from her couch to attend to the royal bookworm, guiding her over towards the table while Applejack and Rainbow Dash let themselves in behind them. AJ gave a grunt as she wrenched the door out of the new indent in the wall it had made. And then conveniently forgot to tell Rarity.

…The last thing they needed right now was TWO crazy ponies.

“That’s it, dear. Just have a nice cup of tea and relax.” Rarity soothed, patting Twilight on the back with a hoof. The poor dear had been doing so much better lately, but she still needed a good friend every now and then when her panic attacks got the best of her. Smiling at the calmed alicorn, Rarity’s muzzle turned scrunched as she turned to regard Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

“And where have you two been? I’m fairly certain that Twilight gave us a strict time to gather, and here you are coming in right on her heels!” The unicorn’s chiding was met with two very awkward grins and shifty eyes.

“We met her on the way here!” Rainbow Dash blurted out.

“Eeeyup! Way here, that’s what we did!” Applejack blared, sounding like a very falsetto version of her brother.

In the back of Rarity’s mind, that little niggling switch, the one that lets her know something very, very interesting is going on, quietly and subtly went click.

“I suppose that’s fair…” The white mare “hmmm’d”, as she turned around to make her way back to the table. The turn prevented anyone from noticing the slight twitch of her cheeks upward, as her face threatened to break into a VERY unladylike grin. Applejack and Rainbow Dash knew something, and judging by their terrible poker faces, Twilight was up to something positively scandalous. A secret lover, perhaps? Oh Celestia, the possibilities! She had never thought the awkward little bookworm had it in her!

“Well then, since we’re all finally here.” Rarity seated herself at the table, letting AJ and Rainbow sit down on either side of Twilight. As if they were protecting her from something. How fascinating. “Why don’t you tell us what you called us here to announce, darling?”

Rarity glanced to the side.

“…and you might want to be quick about it, dear. Pinkie appears to be vibrating.”

Despite the impending danger of an exploding sugar pony, Rarity’s request was met with three pairs of averted eyes, blushing cheeks and mumbling muzzles. While this only heightened her excitement, it also piqued a sense of curiosity. How deeply were those two involved in Twilight’s little secret?

“Well…ya see…” Applejack started, before gulping and pulling her hat over her face.

“It’s sort of…” Rainbow Dash didn’t get much farther before doing a fair impression of having eaten a lemon.

Twilight closed her eyes and took a very deep breath, before exhaling in a slow, calming manner. And then, with the grace of someone just determined to get it over with, she lifted her forelegs around the two ponies sitting next to her and pulled them in.

One kiss to Applejack’s cheek, one kiss to Rainbow Dash’s cheek.

“….yeah.” Twilight offered, her sudden burst of courage being washed away by the veritable tsunami of embarrassment as her cheeks burnt like the sun.

….

….

Rarity’s mind had left the building. And the town. And possibly all of Equestria.

Twilight had just kissed Applejack. And Rainbow Dash. And Applejack and Rainbow Dash. One plus one equals two. As in, two, as in not one, which is the normal number of ponies to be kissing at a time. Which is not two.

Twilight had kissed Applejack and Rainbow Dash. As in, not a stallion. As in not some mysterious lover. Or lovers. As in two of her very best friends in the world. As in, two ponies she saw on a very regular basis, who were possibly some of the most competitive ponies she had ever seen, and had problems being in the same room as each other without arguing.

And those two ponies were sitting in the arms of Twilight Sparkle and blushing like fillies and what what what what what—

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?” Rarity screamed, her eyes bugging out and her jaw nearly unhinging as her carefully maintained façade of calm anticipation shattered with the force of a hurricane. She stared slack-jawed at the trio across from her, whose ears were now splayed back from the unexpected volume bomb that had just gone off in front of them.

“Well, yes. I know it might be a bit shocking, but Applejack, Rainbow Dash and I…we’re together. For quite some time now.” Twilight chuckled out awkwardly, attempting to reassert some form of confidence over the rather embarrassing experience.

“B-B-B-But you…and they are…and you’ve all been…and…and…AND I MISSED IT!?!?!?” Rarity’s confused stammering turned into a wail as she thumped her head on the table in despair. “Possibly the greatest, nay, THE GREATEST piece of gossip in Equestrian history! Right under my nose! And I didn’t notice a thing!”

Rainbow Dash snickered, her embarrassment fading at the familiar sight of Rarity’s dramatics. “Well, we did try to hide it…but still, with how nosy you are Rares, I’m as surprised at you.” She wiggled an eyebrow at her two lovers, causing equal parts giggling and blushing. “I mean, we’re not exactly quiet, if you know what I mean…”

This, in retrospect, would be, as Rarity would put it, “the worst possible thing” to say. For the turmoil in Rarity’s mind was so great, that when Rainbow Dash decided to mention the more “physical” part of her trio’s relationship, a few of the circuits in the fashionista’s mind got…crossed.

Rarity’s sniffles subsided in favor of looking at Rainbow Dash with an odd gleam in her eye and a slight blush on her cheeks. “Yes….I suppose you wouldn’t be, would you?” She murmured, the gears in her head spinning in entirely the wrong directions. “How could I have missed it…”

“Aw, Rarity, don’t worry yer head about it.” Applejack offered, having finally managed to untie her tongue. “We just weren’t ready to tell y’all. It was kinda a big deicision fer us.” Rarity’s slightly glazed look turned to Applejack.

“Yes…I mean, it would be a big step…” The unicorn continued to mumble, the apple farmer now held firmly in her gaze as her mind reoriented itself in a twisted sense of priorities.

“Uhhh, Rarity? Are you alright? I mean, I know it’s some big news to take in, but—”

The table shook with a loud BANG as Rarity’s mind finished reformatting, and a wide grin split the designer’s face.

“Fine? Darling, of COURSE I’m fine! Needless to say, I’m slightly embarrassed to have my romantic senses fail me in such a fashion…but that can all be rectified! Oh, I’m so delightfully happy for you all!”

Twilight’s face brightened in joy, the acceptance she’d been seeking being presented so easily. Rainbow Dash and Applejack followed suit.

“Yes, I’m sure we can all agree it’s just wonderful news! Wouldn’t you agree, gir…” Rarity’s voice died off as she turned to regard the other two ponies of their little group.

Well, one pony. Pinkie was nowhere to be seen, but there was a hole in the wall that looked suspiciously like a party pony coked-out on utter joy.

Fluttershy, on the other hand, was quietly trembling, sitting at the table as she stared vacantly at the crushed pieces of a teacup in her hooves. Her cheeks burnt redder than even Twilight’s had been, and her frame appeared to be heaving as she hyperventilated.

“Fluttershy…are you alright, dear?” Rarity carefully asked, her brain’s new programming temporarily being overridden by the all-consuming friendship directive.

“I…..IhavetogoI’llbebacksorrysorrysorry!” In a flurry of wingbeats, Fluttershy rocketed away from the table and out of a window.

That wasn’t open, showering the ground outside with glass even as the sound of her wingbeats faded into the distance.

The remaining four ponies stared at the shattered window in a collective sentiment of dumbfoundedness.

“Well…” Rainbow Dash coughed, rubbing a foreleg with a hoof awkwardly. “…it IS Fluttershy. Guess her brain just couldn’t take it.”

“Most likely, dear. She’ll be back soon enough.” Rarity asserted, her mind turning back towards the more important task. “You just know how skittish she is about things. And as for Pinkie Pie….well, I think we all know where she went.” The friends all giggled at the mental image of Sugarcube Corner being ransacked for every party supply it possessed.

“But while we wait dears, you simply MUST tell me. How did it all happen? Spare no details.” Rarity leaned forward onto the table, head on her hooves as she fixed her friends with an expectant look of glee. Twilight’s blush resumed slightly, while Applejack and Rainbow Dash coughed awkwardly and turned to stare at opposite ends of the room.

“I suppose I was the one who caused this happy little accident. See, Rainbow and Applejack were both interested in me, as it were. So they separately tried to spend a bit more time with me. They were both pretty awkward at first.” The alicorn giggled to herself.

“Look who’s talking…” Rainbow Dash muttered in a pout.

“Ya think it’s easy tryin’ to ask out a princess?” Applejack mumbled.

“Aaaaanyway. It didn’t take long before each of them figured out what the other was up to. And AJ and Rainbow being who they are….it turned into a competition. A fierce one.”

“So THAT’S why they kept glaring at each other for a whole two weeks a few months ago…” Rarity gasped in realization.

“Yes, they’re not the most subtle ponies, are they?” Twilight laughed, before looking at her two now thoroughly embarrassed lovers with a gaze of adoration. “But I wouldn’t have them any other way.”

Rarity let out a squee of excitement, the gossip flowing through her brain like the sweetest of nectars as her eyes glimmered. “And then? Don’t stop there, darling! What happened?”

“Well, it finally came to a head one night when they both showed up for a surprise evening at the same time. I let them both in, and they had the biggest argument I’d ever seen them have. Nose to nose, gritted teeth, the whole textbook. And then….”

“Oh Celestia.” Applejack moaned, slamming her hat back down over her face. Rainbow Dash similarly buried her muzzle in her wings.

“…it went from fight to…well, something else.” Twilight giggled, eyes lecherously half-lidded.

“You mean they…” Rarity prompted in mock horror.

“Oh yes they did. Right on the floor.” Twilight affirmed, smug smile growing from the squeaks of embarrassment from her two special someponies.

“But what did YOU do, darling? I mean, what with them…err…’preoccupied’ and all.”

Twilight’s grin disappeared just as Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s re-emerged, eyes mischievously directed at their alicorn tormenter.

“Now, what was it you were sayin’? Shucks, I can’t quite remember…” Applejack taunted, the smirk on her face telling everything.”

“I dunno, AJ. You always had a better memory than me.” Rainbow Dash’s grin was equally devious.

“Aaaahhhh, NOW I remember. Ah believe you pulled us apart, an’ said…”

“Applejack, noooooo….” Twilight pleaded uselessly, her wings fluttering in absolute humiliation.

“…’Now, leaving me out is just no fair.’” AJ finished, prompted a strangled squeak from the alicorn bookworm.

“Gotta say, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash chuckled ruthlessly, fluttering above Twilight like the grim reaper of humiliation. “I’d never thought you were so sexy in all my life.”

There was no actual response, just a palpable feeling that Twilight was considering teleporting to the moon.

Rarity, on the other hand, was clopping her hooves together in a glorious show of approval. “Bravo, BRAVO darling! I’d have never thought you had it in you!”

“Yes, well…” Twilight coughed, unfurling herself from her sitting fetal position. “I think you know the rest. We’ve been together ever since.”

Wrong thing to say.

“Oh but darling, I don’t know NEARLY enough! I asked for details, after all!”

Twilight blinked, focusing a confused look on the unicorn across from her. “Details? But we told you everything—”

“Not nearly enough, darling! I mean, gossip must not want for descriptions, after all. I must know: how did it feel? Did they know what they were doing? Tell me EVERYTHING, darling.” The “EVERYTHING” was punctuated with a more-than-comfortable lean forward towards Twilight’s end of the table.

It was then that Twilight realized, too late, where Rarity’s mind had gone in the face of her gossip network’s failure. A quick glimpse at her two marefriends confirmed that they too were having the same horrifying realization dawn on them. They collectively started carefully edging away from romantically-rabid unicorn.

“W-W-Well, this has been a great conversation, and we really appreciate your approval, but we just remembered some chores we have to—” Twilight didn’t even get halfway through her excuse before Rarity cut her off.

“Oh no, darling. You can’t expect me to let you leave without hearing the whole story, can you? Perhaps even a demonstration, a reenactment if you will. I can’t possibly let any detail of this news escape me, after all.”

The distinctive twang as a single hair of Rarity’s perfectly-maintained mane popped out of place, with the accompanying click of a door locking, was the most terrifying sound the three romantically-involved ponies had ever heard in their lives.

It seemed like another wonderful, idyllic day in Ponyville.

Until a massive purple explosion blew off the front half of Carousel Boutique from the inside.

Twilight Sparkle, newly-crowned alicorn princess of Equestria, fled out of the building and down the street. Applejack and Rainbow Dash, her two long-time friends and more recently lovers, galloped by her side, frantically fleeing the ruins of the town’s high-end fashion store as if they were being pursued by the demons of Tartarus themselves.

No such luck. Instead they were being pursued by a mentally unhinged, gossip-starved fashionista.

“You won’t escape, darlings! I WILL know every lurid detail of your little tryst, just you wait!”

“This is NOT what we meant when we wanted acceptance, Rarity!” Twilight yelled back at the pursuing unicorn, before dodging to the side to avoid a hastily-constructed net fashioned out of ribbons. The net nailed an unsuspecting caramel-colored earth pony instead, who shrieked as the net began magically tying him up in some rather questionable ways.

“This is just my way of showing my friendship, dear! And if that way is demanding a play-by-play description of your bedroom activities, down to the last nibble and caress, well, you should only be accepting!” Rarity giddily yelled back, crafting another improvised capture device from the armada of fashion supplies she was floating along with her.

“THAT’S NOT HOW FRIENDSHIP WORKS!” Twilight screamed, teleporting to the side to avoid the flurry of yarn-laced knitting needles that attempted to trap her against the ground. More unnerving was the pattern the yarn was apparently knitted in, as it implied more about Rarity’s interests than she had ever really wanted to know.

“It’s no good, Twi. She’ll nail us eventually if we keep out in the open like this. But we can outrun ‘er. This way!” Applejack veered right, leading the trio down a narrow alleyway where the fashion designer wouldn’t be able to bring her fabulous arsenal to bear. The scream of frustration from behind them confirmed that their plan had worked.

The less encouraging sound of gemstones scything through building material equally confirmed that it had not worked for long.

“Ponyfeathers, does she ever give up!?” Rainbow Dash shouted in frustration, gliding along over Twilight and Applejack’s heads.

“It’ll take her longer to get through this way than going around; she’d realize that if she was thinking straight.” Twilight responded, slightly winded. Her alicorn status had afforded her a bit more stamina, but she was still a far cry from being as athletic as her marefriends.

Though she could keep up when it counted.

“Great news! Now let’s find somewhere to hide until she gets her mane back on straight.” Rainbow Dash zipped out of the end of the alleyway, hurtling left down another street until—

“SURPRIIIIIIIIIIIISE!”

“WHAT THE BUCK!?!?”

Twilight and Applejack poured on speed to catch up to the shrieking pegasus. In hindsight, they would wish they had taken a bit longer, because when they turned out of the alleyway they were met with the sight of pure, utter debauchery. Dozens of ponies were in the middle of the street. Doing things. To each other. And right in the bucking middle of them was the pink party pony herself.

“Well, you weren’t supposed to get here for another twenty minutes, but noooo problem! You can just get started while the rest of the guests show up!” Pinkie Pie giggled happily, which was absolutely absurd considering the acts she was currently engaging with.

“Pinkie, what the flying feathers are you DOING OUTSIDE!?” Twilight screamed, a small part of her brain thankful for the increased vocabulary of profanity her two marefriends had afforded her.

“Sillies, you said you were all sleeping with one another! So that means I can finally let you join our little group! Well, it’s actually big group, but it would have sounded weird saying that at first, plus I don’t want you feeling intimidated so—”

“This is NOT explaining the orgy in the middle of Ponyville, Pinkie!” Twilight yelled back, facehoofing so hard her eyeballs rattled. “How the hay did you even set this up so fast!?”

“Oh, most ponies are aaaaallways up for a good time.” Pinkie leered, wiggling her eyebrows in a fashion that was probably physically impossible for anyone else.

“That looks like an understatement.” Applejack muttered, unable to tear her eyes away from the bacchanal display in front of her. It was like watching a train wre—WAS THAT HER BROTHER!?

“Well, I mean, when you put it that way…” Rainbow Dash mused from above, rubbing her chin with hoof.

“That’s Mister Cake with Filthy Rich.” Twilight remarked in a deadpan.

“AAAAAAAND TIME TO GO!” Rainbow Dash voice shot up several octaves, wheeling around while flailing her limbs in a mid-air gallop. Anything to get away from what she had irrevocably seen.

“Wait, where are you going? Wait, is this your fetish? Oooooo, I’ve never done this one before! Everypony, AFTER THOSE MARES!” The sudden cacophony of noise behind the fleeing trio confirmed that they had managed to gain even more pursuers.

“Ahhhhg, I can’t get the images out of my heeeead!” Rainbow Dash wailed, beating her hooves uselessly against her skull.

“Well, it wasn’t all bad.” Twilight opinioned, sounding far less optimistic than her words. “At least we found out why he’s named Big—”

“AH WOULD PREFER TO NEVER DISCUSS THIS TOPIC AGAIN!” Applejack howled, being equally unsuccessful at scrubbing the mentally-scarring images from her mind. The situation was made worse by the cessation of the constant grinding noise they’d been hearing, meaning that Rarity had managed to finish turning that alleyway into a thoroughfare and was back in pursuit.

“Okay, I’ve got it. We make for the Everfree, and we hide in there until this all calms down. Maybe Zecora can let us stay with her for a while.” Twilight panted as she dashed through the streets of the town-turned-small-warzone.

“Anything’s better than stayin’ here!” Applejack nodded frantically, turning to alter her course to the edge of town.

“HOLD, SINNERS! Your time of retribution is at hand!....If that’s okay with you.”

“….FLUTTERSHY!?”

The trio screeched to a halt, despite the knowledge that they were still being pursued. For in front of them, at the head of a mob of ponies armed with pitchforks and torches, was Fluttershy.

Fluttershy, who was decked out in some weird form of war paint and a long white robe with Celestia’s cutie mark emblazoned on the front.

“Fluttershy, what the hay are you doing!?” Rainbow Dash yelled, her brain reaching the limits of how much weirdness it could take at a time.

“Speak no more your vile words, sinners! For your relationship is unnatural, an affront to Celestia!” Fluttershy belted out, her cheeks ablaze and she pointed a shaky accusing hoof at her three friends.

“……what.”

“But worry not, dear friends! For I have come to save you from yourselves! No more shall you engage in such debaucheries! No more shall you caress each other’s lips in kind!” Fluttershy started to pant, further increasing the rather creepy way she was staring at the trio. “No more shall you writhe against each other amongst your bed sheets, driving yourselves to ecstasy as you—”

“WHAT THE BUCK HAS YOUR THERAPIST BEEN TELLING YOU!?” Twilight screamed, her mane completely abandoning all pretense of organization as reality itself giggled and promptly fucked off to play croquet.

“Uhhh, Miss Fluttershy? You told us to get all this stuff, but we’re not actually sure what we’re supposed to be doing with it.” A tiny colt piped up from below the shivering pegasus, a pitchfork about ten times too big for him strapped to his back.

“O-Oh, yes. Forgive me. We’re apparently supposed to chase them.” Fluttershy stuttered down at the colt, trying to ignore the “wicked” images running through her head.

“Oh! That sounds like fun!” The colt smiled, and turned to begin what was apparently a really fun game of tag. The rest of the confused crowd followed suit.

“…..buck my life.” Twilight groaned as she turned tail for the third time and fled back towards the center of town, her two marefriends following suit.

“What do we do, Twi!? There’s nowhere left for us to run!” Applejack looked frantically at her tweaked-out princess, whose mane currently looked like it had been stuck in a blender.

“I….I don’t know! I didn’t expect this! ANY of this!” Twilight wailed, her feet fleeing faster than her mind could keep up.

“Well, looks like the only thing left to do is kick some flank!” Rainbow Dash yelled as they reached the center of town. “And there’s no better time; here they come!” She hit the ground with her wings flared out, snarling as she prepared to defend her marefriends’ lives. Or at least their sense of mental well-being.

“Cauuuuught you! Now we can start the REALLY fun stuff!” Pinkie giggled, as she dashed towards them with the amazing orgy on hooves in tow.

“Darlings, honestly! There’s no need for this much fuss…all you need to do is tell me EVERYTHING!” Rarity’s voice went from calm to screaming as she leaped from the roof of a nearby building.

“PURIFY THE SINNERS! Do not be tempted by their glorious flanks!” Fluttershy cried, sounding far less interested in “purification” than she was in other things. She directed the confused crowd of reluctant crusaders forward with a beckoning hoof.

Twilight gritted her teeth, charging her horn as the three forces converged on her little trio. Applejack scuffed her hooves against the ground, lowering her hat as she prepared to buck the whole town to the moon if she had to. A fight of epic proportions seemed inevitable.

“….yeeeeeeah, buck this.”

The whole town froze, turning to look at a single earth pony that was standing in the middle of the street with an annoyed look on his face. He had apparently stopped dead in his tracks, even while the rest of the ponies had continued in their headlong charge towards the town center.

“I’ve been through this enough times to know where this goes. We all run around like idiots, stuff gets destroyed, and it all turns out to be nothing in the end. And then our insurance premiums go up. AGAIN.”

The earth pony turned around and began to walk away with a snort. “Count me out, thank you.”

The rest of the town’s population just watched him go, utterly silent for a long few moments. Until….

“Yeah, I’ve got chores to do.”

“Those sofas aren’t going to sell themselves.”

“I have a date this afternoon, I don’t really need to get all sweaty.”

“Oh no, I left my muffins in the oven!”

As if by design, the groups of townsfolk dissolved into a quickly-receding mob of muttered excuses and hurried shuffling. Soon, the square was empty, except for six, slack-jawed, utterly flabbergasted mares.

“U-U-Um…” Fluttershy stuttered, utterly lost.

“Well, then…” Rarity added.

Pinkie Pie just giggled.

And then the three of them were seized in an unmistakable magical field, which hauled them to float face to face with three extremely annoyed mares.

“We need to have a loooooong talk, girls.” Twilight said, glaring at the three troublemakers.

“So, after a long talk, I think we’ve sorted all of this out.” Twilight said happily, though the slight bit of steel in her voice brooked no argument. The six friends were back in Twilight’s library, and they had been discussing the “issues” late into the night. This was evidenced by the embarrassed and ashamed looks on the faces of Pinkie, Rarity, and Fluttershy.

“Let’s just go over this one more time, just to be sure.” Twilight chuckled. “What have we learned from all this?”

“Other ponies’ privacy should be respected and attempting to violate it both figuratively and literally is wrong.” Rarity mumbled.

“Your sexual choices are your own but holding an orgy in the middle of the street is both inconsiderate to people who aren’t interested and violates several local ordinances.” Pinkie admitted.

“Celestia doesn’t disapprove of any kind of relationships except non-consensual ones, and attempting to assert otherwise is a besmirchment on her good name.” Fluttershy squeed.

“…and?” Twilight prompted.

“…and I need a new therapist.” The shy pegasus finished.

“Exactly. And since you’ve all understood this, I think we can send off this friendship report to Princess Celestia. It’s been a while, but I think it’s important enough that she should hear it. Spike, if you please?” She nodded to her little dragon assistant, who had spent the entire day in the bathtub. The dragon nodded back, before sending off the scroll with a puff of fire.

Twilight turned back to her friends, a kind smile now adorning her muzzle. “I’m not angry with you, girls. Celestia knows I’ve had my moments of…less clarity. I just don’t want this afternoon getting between our friendship.”

“We’re dreadfully sorry, dear. I guess we all just…lost our heads.”

“Yeah, and they rolled all the way to Manehattan.” Rainbow Dash snarked from her perch on Applejack’s back, who was lazily lying on Rarity’s couch. They had commandeered it while Twilight was giving the other three the lecture of their lives. It had been a little more than a little cathartic, and now they couldn’t help but grin.

“Yes, well….the fact still stands, we’re all in support of your relationship. After all, if you’re happy, then who are we to object?” Rarity smiled at Twilight, as Pinkie and Fluttershy nodded in agreement.

“Awwww, girls…” Twilight moved in for a hug, joined by Applejack and Rainbow Dash as the six friends reaffirmed their friendship with a friendly bit of nuzzling.

…Nuzzling which was interrupted when Spike burped up a scroll on his way up the stairs.

“Oh, that was fast!” Twilight said, as she floated the scroll over and unwrapped it. Her smile was radiant as she scanned the words written…

…and just like that, her smile shrunk as fast as her pupils.

“My Dearest Twilight Sparkle,

It gives me great joy to hear of the happy relationship that has blossomed between your friends and you. This news could not come at a better time, as Luna and I were thinking of restarting the royal harem…”

Author's Note

Well, here it is, my very first horse words (that I've managed to focus long enough to finish). I hope you all enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.

A big thanks to Tchernobog for letting me enter the contest, and an even bigger thanks to him, Jondor, and Krazythefox for choosing me as the winner, which I honestly never expected.

I hope to be able to write more horse words that amuse them so.