Celestia Discovers Chipotle

by Xeadin

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2221

Celestia invents a way to transport whatever she wants from the farthest reaches of the galaxy to her. Certainly, this will turn out to be a good thing in the end, right?

Princess Celestia employs her personal top scientists and engineers to create an apparatus that could teleport whatever she wanted, or whatever existed in the known universe, to her. What follows could be the best discovery in the history of Equestria, since sliced cheese.

Decided to step out of the norm and my comfort zone, and focus my mind on other things. This is my first shot at random comedy, so it might not be the best thing that you've ever seen. However, I do hope that you enjoy this delectable oneshot of mouth-watering proportions!

Celestia vector by red-pear

Published 2014-04-06 04:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-06 04:30:02 UTC

Where Equestrian Wraps are all the rage!

It was an exuberant day for all of Equestria. The sun rose on cue; its unchallenged pearlescent glow basking the hilltops and valleys with vagrant sunlight. Settled at the base of a tall mountain, underneath the protective guise of the castle hanging idly above, the glorified city of Canterlot began to awaken with lively commotion. Unaware of the shenanigans that lie above its citizens, it turned out to be any normal day for the regal citizens that made their mark amongst royalty and fame.

In the castle that stood above the city, a certain alabaster alicorn began her new day pacing back and forth upon the red carpet that lay flat on the floor in her throne room. The walls were of chiseled pearl granite, marked with beautiful technicolor tapestries depicting of her and her sister’s rule over Equestria. Windows lined either side of the thrones, which stood perched up by rows of steps covered in a deep violet linoleum rug.

Princess Celestia, ruler of the sun, was a regal princess of high stature. Her flowing mane expressed the sun’s radiance in its multitude of soft light colors of green, blue, and pink. Her golden tiara, crested with a finely cut amethyst jewel, flashed in the sun every time she turned to walk to the other corner of the hall. The clamoring of her golden shoes expressed the princess’s uneasy emotions. The golden yoke that hung around her neck, crested with a similar, larger crystal that adorned her tiara, rubbed against her white fur as she continued her quickened pace.

For what seemed like a half an hour, the carpet underneath Celestia became rumpled from her persistent pacing, becoming stained with specks of dust as she rutted the fine craftsmanship to oblivion. The air around her became heated with anticipation—the princess had big plans for the day. Last week, she had consulted with her best engineers to devise a contraption that could reach deep into another dimension and obtain a random object to observe and keep as a monument of success.

Now, at first she thought of the implications of ‘stealing’ an object from another world, but it was all in good name—in the name of science. It was a new concept that was brought forth to her by her, now reformed, faithful student—Twilight Sparkle. Twilight had an infatuating craving for studying the things around her world since she had first been sent to Ponyville. Oddly, her craving has plagued Celestia into believing that there was more to the universe than just what she saw. Celestia figured that it was the case of Pinkie Pie that got to her, but the princess knew that she wasn’t as gullible as she proved to be.

Or so she thought. Maybe she does have a slight gravitation toward the unexplained. Of course, she did have an inexplicable craving for cakes.

Regardless, her engineers promptly sought to work on her newest and greatest invention ever seen in Canterlot, and Equestria. She had high hopes that it would accomplish what it would be made for, but would it? Little did she know that this new invention of hers would soon change the face of Equestria, for years to come.

Celestia’s sister, Luna, poked her head through the threshold of the hall, smirking at her pacing sister with glee. The navy blue princess, with her obsidian, crescent-crested regalia, and her pleasantly flowing, starlit mane, tapped her hooves to the ground, gloating over her sister’s contemplation. This broke Celestia out of her delusional daydreaming. Her frustrated frown melted into a glorified grin.

“Sister,” Luna spoke with a hint of excitement in her voice. “We bring thee good news from thy royal engineers. They hath finished their work on thine invention and are transporting it to our royal chamberhall here.”

Celestia’s eyes glittered in the sunlight. “Wonderful news, dear sister,” she said, letting her words travel seamlessly across the hall. “Tell them that I am eager to see it in action.”

“Will do!” Luna bounded her way back out the archway, and beckoned down the hallway in her tremendous Royal Canterlot Voice. “MAKE HASTE, OUR ROYAL SUBJECTS! YOU SHALT NOT KEEP THY PRINCESS WAITING ALL DAY!”

With what seemed to take several long minutes, the various grunting of stallions and mares could be heard from beyond the archway. The first of the engineers peered into view, pulling on a tight silk rope between his teeth, tied to the wondrous invention she was about to witness firsthand. The back end of the creation came into view, and several hair-raising moments later was brought to the full attention of the sun goddess. Her eyes widened at the remarkably odd sight.

The contraption resembled that of one of Canterlot’s high-rising towers of the city below, if not with more waving curves in the middle of the design. It was just about as white as the walls of the chamber with slight highlights of pink and blue on its edges. The left end of the invention was flat with a beveled edge that enabled to stand firmly in the ground if she wanted it to stay permanently in a location she wanted it to be at. The other end came to a point with a sort of galactic neutron on the tip of the point—most likely the antenna that reached into the separate dimension of the machine’s choosing. She had the perfect place in mind for her newest innovation. For now, she was eager to put it to the test for its first run-up.

“Salutations, princess,” the coffee-maned lavender mare said. She and the other stallions and mares around her wore the same white buttoned robe, which sported a wide pocket on either side of their adornments.

“Greetings, Star Shine,” the princess addressed. “I must say, this is perfectly what I had in mind, in terms of design and color.”

Star Shine snickered. “Well, ah, yes. We never fail to impress, your highness,” she said, giddily.

“Could you explain to me how this works?”

A gray-maned, chocolate stallion cleared his throat. “Your majesty,” he spoke in a low, groggy tone. “Allow me to explain.” He stammered to the center of the invention. He opened up the secret door, which housed an empty compartment. “As instructed by your plans, this is where the transporter will deliver any requested or randomly chosen trinkets to appear.” He pointed out the dial next to the door. Next to the dial, a deep dark hole burrowed half-way through the width of the contraption. “When you set the dial to ‘request,’ you stick your horn in this hole, and you can think of anything that comes to mind. The transporter will then recognize that object and retrieve it for you.”

He turned the dial. “When it’s set to ‘random,’ it will pick out a trinket of its own choosing.” He put a hoof up to his chin. “Of course, whatever it snags may or may not be favorable.”

‘Just what I had in mind,’ Celestia thought to herself, with a wistful grin twisting her muzzle. “Would it trouble you to keep it at random?”

“Why of course not,” the stallion said, accepting the princess’s offer. “We did a trial run and it proved to be successful, to a degree.” The other mares and stallions stared at them with wrinkled muzzles.

Passing off their awkward moment, princess Celestia unraveled her wings. “Then let us begin.”

The stallion quickly closed the hatch, and turned a handle that locked it into position. He trotted to the other side of the apparatus and pressed a single button. Its audible click sent the contraption into a cacophony of shaking. The noise emanated from the machine was ethereal and unnerving. The tip began to glow with about as much radiance as the sun. The noise increased in volume, along with the violent shaking. It began to vibrate the floor, and the clattering of the princesses brilliant metal hooves became apparent.

“Welcome!” the young woman said, extending an exuberant smile to the small crowd of modest individuals chatting amongst themselves. A tall, pale-skinned man, with rectangular glasses perched on his short nose and crowned with short, furly, lightly tinged sepia hair, stood in front of the glass divider that separated him from the delicious selection of seasoned meats. Logos of ‘Chipotle’ were adorned on the shirts of all the employees that piled each and every passing person’s meals with mouth-watering condiments.

The dark-skinned woman in front of him wore a black shirt with the white logo on her right side. “What can I get started for you?”

The man, who seemed to know just what he wanted, spoke in a whimsical, guttural tone. “I’ll take a burrito with sofritas, pinto beans, and a little white rice.”

“Okay,” the woman replied with a smile. She took out the large, flat tortilla and placed it in a round heated press for a few moments. She quickly took the tortilla out, and placed it on a thin film of aluminum foil. She piled the fluffy white rice on first, followed by the delectable beige beans. The sofritas was a blend of vegetarian tofu with their signature chipotle seasoning that all of their other meats received equally.

She passed on the partially piled wrap to the next employee, brandishing the same glowing smile. “Hi. Want mild, medium, or hot?”

“I’ll take a little bit of mild and medium, please.”

“Sour cream and cheese?”

“Leave the sour cream. I’ll take a little sprinkle of cheese and I’ll have some roasted corn.”

She sprinkled the finely shredded Monterey cheese on top of the salsa on the pile, followed by a spoonful of the corn, onion, and cilantro mixture.

“I’ll have some guacamole as well, please.”

“That’ll be extra. Is that alright?”

“That’s fine,” he waved to her with a scrunched nose.

After topping the wrap with the tasty, soft, green condiment, she effortlessly wrapped up the burrito and covered it in the aluminum foil with seamless precision. She took a felt marker and wrote “Sg1” on its side.

After watching the employee return the felt marker to its cup, the man was torn from his gaze by the young woman standing next to him. She held a wistful smile to him. It was assumed to be his wife, for her ring finger was adorned with a finely crafted zircon-crested golden ring. The man also had the same style of ring on his finger.

He resumed his gaze to the counter, only to find that his wrapped burrito was gone. His smile faded to a flat expression of confusion. In its place, a plume of white smoke trailed up from the counter, garnering the attention of several other bystanders and the employees. The young woman that had served him held her mouth open—her eyes widened.

The man shifted his gaze between the employee who manned the register and the other server. They were both equally perplexed by the sudden disappearance of the customer’s missing merchandise. What was even more perplexing was that the counter was marked with a cartoonish sun where the burrito once sat. The man, for some odd fluke, looked up to the ceiling, only to notice that there was a hole in the same perfect shape.

The young woman looked at the man in surprise. “I’ll, uh… I'll get you another one. What was it that you wanted…?”

The tip of the contraption projected the image of Celestia’s cutie mark towards the ceiling, emblazoning its brilliant white light on the pearl granite. For the past few minutes, the machine’s onslaught came without end, until the light miraculously dissipated. The chamber fell silent, and the tremors ceased. The mares and stallions looked at each other, hoping for the best from Celestia’s predicament.

The chocolate stallion unlocked the hatch and swiveled it open. Inside, the engineers peered onto the wrinkly lump that emitted a, strangely, enticing scent. The princess walked up to it, sniffing the air herself.

“Mmmm,” she hummed pleasantly. She engulfed her horn in a mask of golden glittering brilliance. The same aura surrounded the wrinkled mass and it hovered quaintly out of the compartment and into the air just in front of her. She noticed that the metallic sheen was interrupted by a slight fold. She fondled with the fold using her magic, and the metallic film unraveled itself to reveal a layer of a beige wheat wrap. She had seen such wheat layers before, but never in a wrapped form. She took one last long whiff, taking in the variable scents of strange, yet familiar, seasonings.

“Smells edible,” she continued. The mares and stallions continued to gaze at the princess and the floating wheat wrap, as she inched it closer to her mouth. She took one, good bite out of it…

~~~~~~

Several Hours later…

“WE DECLARE THAT THIS ‘EQUESTRIAN WRAP’ BE PREPARED, AND SERVED, TO EVERY CORNER OF EQUESTRIA!!” the princess of the night beckoned to her loyal committee, who stared at the half-eaten wrap, revealing its mouth-watering contents. A small chunk of mashed avocado hung on Luna’s lower lip, as she continued her speech—spitting chunks of the delicacy at her council. “WE SHALT MAKE CERTAIN THAT EVERYPONY ENJOYS EVERY BITE OF THIS REMARKABLE INVENTION OF TASTFULNESS!”