A Brief Exile

by Broken Phalanx

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Prince Blueblood, Comedy
Length: 1549

Twilight receives a governmental demand that she leave Equestria for a few years as an exile, Luna and Celestia are miffed, and Blueblood is a table.

Luna visits Twilight bearing some bad news . . .
Thankfully, it's not quite as bad as it seems at first blush.

~~~

This is essentially me doing a bit of an affectionate parody of the entire 'Exiled Twilight' competition going on; it's not intended to be an insult to any individual. I rather hope you, yes you specifically, enjoy it.

Published 2014-04-06 09:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-06 09:40:01 UTC

The once and future Chapter

A distraught purple Alicorn was beginning to hyperventilate over her cup of tea, her magic clenching the porcelain so tightly that when she finally relinquished her grasp on the expensive china to set it down upon the table, the cup crumbled into a fine, pale sand and let the little tea remaining ooze onto the oaken desk. Not that she was in any state to care, mind; news of her eviction from Equestria had left her in a, shall it be said, somewhat unstable state.

“Did I do something wrong? Princess Celestia found out about me and that goat, didn’t she? Does she hate me?”

“Calm thyself, young Princess of Magic! The answer to thine questions is an emphatic ‘No’, Twilight Sparkle.” The Princess of the Night furrowed her brow for a moment when she dissected what Twilight had said, and made an addendum. “Thou know’st no particularly flattering tale initiates with that second phrase, though, correct? Haaaaah, that is a discussion for another time; We are afraid, Twilight Sparkle, that We might be partially to blame for this happenstance; if, perhaps, We possessed more prudence with Our words, this may not have become an issue.”

Sniffling, red-eyed, and tired, Twilight focused her gaze on Luna and asked, entirely without malice, “What happened?”

“Well . . .”

***

“What?! Thou art a thrice blighted idiot, young Blueblood; if t’were still the fashion, We’d have you strung up upon the castle walls and carrying a sign proclaiming your stupidity! You want more of an allow— . . . if this t’were a surprise, young Blood, We would possess a greater degree of compassion and calmness for your plight. As the situation stands . . . hath you rocks in thine head? We know of a certain princess who can live for twenty-six fortnights off your weekly salary, and yet you still wish to have more?”

Had Blueblood been kneeling any further, his face would’ve been melding into the stone floor. “Please, Aunt Lun-”

He froze when he caught sight of Luna’s glare at him, before swallowing nervously and continuing. “I don’t need much more; I just need a couple hundred bits by the Fifth.”

“You don’t need much? You, of all ponies, shouldn’t make statements like that. The only reason you’re even talking to Us is because Our sister either denied your request, or was otherwise committed to something else; for your underhooved actions, We think . . . a month of reduced allowance shall do.”

Blanching, Blueblood quickly cried out, “Aunt Luna-”

“No ‘but’s, Young Blueblood.” Seeing the distraught look upon Blueblood’s face, Luna sighed and added, “Perhaps if you surprise Us, we shall revisit this issue with a more tender hoof.”

Dutifully, Blueblood rose from his bow. “Yes, Aunt Luna.”

“Good, good. Now, leave us; We have to calculate for what damages our most recent Princess hath accidently done to Royal property. . .”

***

It was within a moment that all of this flashed in Luna’s mind, and it took only a moment for her cheeks to flush red.

“Actually, We hath no idea how this came to be, Princess Sparkle.”

“So . . . does this mean I’m exiled for life?”

“What? No! We may have borrowed the draconic laws, young Princess, but my sister and I learned long ago that mercy was a quality of the strong; perhaps two years, at most.”

Some sniffles preceded Twilight’s next question. “Is. . . is this why Cadence needed all of those permits to visit?”

“Unfortunately, yes. I believe our Sister is having angry words with this Blueblood on the application of power within a government. “

“So . . . how long do I have to . . .”

“Two years, young Twilight Sparkle. Of course, that’s not including the three months knocked off every time some sort of threat requires thine assistance to overcome.” Then, in a far more wry tone, Luna muttered, ”Personally, given the track record of some of Equestria’s most recent issues, We’re of the opinion that thou shouldst not expect more than a month and a half in thine new residency, two at the most.”

“Are my friends going to be able to visit me?”

For the second time, Luna looked embarrassed. “We’re . . . afraid . . . We’ve rather shot ourselves in the hoof in this respect. Three can visit, at most, but any more and the law requires the, ahem, death penalty.”

“I thought the death penalty was no longer used except in the most extreme of-“

The mild blush of embarrassment residing in Luna’s cheeks successfully evolved, spreading into a full-blown flush across her entire face; Princess Luna spluttered for a moment, before interrupting with, “Young Twlight Sparkle . . . it must’ve taken an unprecedented amount of coordination in Equestria’s senatorial body to ensure thou were charged with banishment; yes, my sister and I technically oversee Equestrian government, but we’d rather not force our hoof in this situation and outright overrule the Senate. Subtly bending the rules is one thing; breaking them, or rather revoking them, should only be a last resort.”

“Can, can I at least say goodbye to my friends?”

“Absolutely. Might We recommend you bring a writing set with you? Thou hast quite a history sending letters to Our sister; letters to thine friends may assist in this troubling time when thou hath much time on thine hooves. . .”

“Tha-thank you for telling me about this, Princess Luna.”

“We are sorry that our private visit was to be this disheartening, Twilight Sparkle. We will visit soon enough, with further news.”

***

Teleportation would’ve been faster, but a carriage ride was less tiresome. Besides, it gave Luna some time to get out of the nigh-murderous mindset the news of Blueblood’s political machinations had placed her in; it was with a calculating grin that Princess Luna entered the rather unkempt Royal Dining room and sat next to Princess Celestia.

“Did’st thou solve our Blueblood problem, sister? We are utterly convinced he used bribery to ensure the vote passed.”

“Yes, Luna, he and I had some words.”

“He dared speaketh back?”

“No, no. Well, perhaps he tried to; I’m afraid that by ‘words’, I meant me speaking two rather impolite ones that have no business being repeated in good company, swiftly followed by a spell.”

“Ah.”

“Indeed. I was quite angry, Luna.”

“We can see that . . .” Luna muttered as she glanced around the carnage that was their private dining room.

“Oh, don’t worry; the table, at least, is easily replaceable; after all, I happen to have a very nice spare somewhere in the back.”

“Doth it happen to be blonde and white?”

“Surely you think I have more imagination than that?”

“Well, considering thine track record, Tia . . .”

“Name one thing that wasn’t imaginative in the least.”

“Banishment of the moon princess . . . to the moon.”

“. . . I suppose irony doesn’t work here as a defense?”

“No, We are afraid not. But let us get back to this table . . . is this it?”

Both ponies stared at the mahogany counter.

For a moment, Celestia was silent. Then, slowly, as if the words were being pulled from her like teeth, she coughed awkwardly and said, “It . . . does have a compass rose on it, if I’m going to be fair.”

“Indeed it does. Nevertheless, nice job, very nice job. May We recommend you set this up in the courtyard? The idiot may not have had a moral compass, but he might point others away from stupidity, at least. . .”

“You read my mind.”

“On an entirely different subject, dost thou mind sending a few letters to Twilight? She was quite a mess when We visited her. . . “

“I already have. Would you mind looking over it? I once misspelled ‘Capricious’ when she was a filly, and she very nearly came to blows with Proper Diction when she couldn’t convince him it was correct . . .”

“Absolutely”

Both sisters casually ate their brinner, before finally Celestia clinked her teacup upon the table with perhaps more force than necessary and said, “I suppose me visiting her is out of the question?”

“She looks up to thou, Tia. If thou saw her as she is right now, her head might explode from the shame.”

Celestia sighed. “A letter alone, then?”

“That might be the wisest idea. We believe she still thinks she’s still somehow to blame for this mess . . . We must admit, however, that young Blueblood hath surprised us; not only does he read, a feat We thought was beyond him, he also successfully twisted a small governmental body around his hooves like silly-putty.”

For a moment Celestia looked at the quivering table dourly, before asking, “I suppose nopony needs firewood?”

“Tia.”

“Luna, I’m not serio-”

“Firewood is an archaic fuel source, Tia. Even We know that.”

“. . . I suppose it is.”

Author's Note

They'll eventually change him back to normal, of course.

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