Codex of the Chaotic Heroes

by The P Co

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Sex, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Comedy, King Sombra, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Adventure
Length: 91425

they knew where they were, but not where they were going, 6 men, each with their own unique stories, come together via the influence of King Sombra to take down the Crystal Kingdom, but humans are fickle, and they won't always do as told

King Sombra knew it, Cadance knew it, the Crystal Kingdom would soon return.

While Cadance, with Shining Armor in tow, immediately bolts off to the kingdom to evaluate their situation, Sombra has other plans.

Plans involving six men and their correlation to the Elements of Harmony.

*my half of a collaboration with Awesomedude17, his story can be found here*
*rated for our inappropriate languages, some implied sexy things, and some gory scenes*
*starts off the day before the S3 premiere*
*I make the plot, he curbs the guys to prevent OOC*

Published 2014-04-06 23:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-20 23:17:52 UTC

A Dark extraction process

The Codex of Chaotic Heroes
By The P Co & Awesomedude17

-Canterlot-

Cadance looked out at the Equestrian landscape.

Today was a normal day, bright and sunny with bustling towns and chirping birds, all the things that Equestria did on a normal day.

But today just didn’t feel normal for Cadance, something was going to happen today, something big.

She had been staring in the same direction since 9AM, it was now 3PM.

“Honey, are you alright, you haven’t spoke in hours.” Shining Armor said suddenly, looking up from shining his armor to address his wife.

“Do you ever get that feeling that today is going to be big, and something important is going to happen?” Cadance asked, not looking away from her view of the landscape.

“Yes, once, when Nightmare Moon was released again, I had left my position an hour early, telling everypony that something was going to happen, and then it did. Candy, if there’s something wrong, you have to tell me.” the knight pleaded, unhappy to see his wife this emotionless-looking.

Cadance sighed, looking to the north, waiting for a sign.

Waiting for the aurora.

Rather, what she got was a ripple, a ripple in space, followed by a black splotch, then nothing.

“Something just happened, Shiny come on, we have to investigate.” the pretty pink princess commanded, taking her husband’s helmet and putting it on his head for him.

“Alright, I’ll be right behind you.” with a flash of teleportation, Shining was clad in his full battle-gear, including a mythril halberd with a fire-magic gem in it.

Making their way to the train station, the couple hoped for the best, and prepared for the worst.

-Random Universe TRR-

Michael the Guide, a man of infinite wisdom and patience, was now running from a group of zombies wanting to eat his face.

“TrollzPen0r1337, SAVE ME!” he shouted to the player while trying- and failing - to jump up the wall.

He got no response.

TrollzPen0r1337 had just finished creating his 100th penis statue, the one that Michael was now trapped in front of.

“Come onnnn, come onnnnnnnnn~” Michael looked around, banging his fists on the side of the statue, getting no response.

The zombies caught up to him.

Suddenly, a blade of black smoke appeared in front of him, shooting forth and cutting all of the zombies in half.

“What was that?” he pondered, before shaking his head and looking at the statue again.

A lever was mounted on the wall of the statue, right above his head.

Tentatively flicking it, the wall, which was made of Activated Blocks, disappeared in puffs of smoke, revealing that there were several zombies inside the statue’s lower region.

“Nonononononononononono.” Michael turned tail and ran, the dark of the night seeming even darker, if that was possible.

“End that which breathes,
And that which does not.

Let all before me.
Writhe and Rot!” a sinister sounding voice chanted, followed by the sounds of grinding knives.

Michael stopped dead in his tracks, looking back and finding the flayed remains of the zombies.

“I… I don’t understand, what was tha-” a sound like a loud sigh filled the vicinity, revealing a shadowy figure.

“Hehehehehehe, yesssss~” it turned to him, “You are the one of wisdom, correct?” it asked.

Michael backed away slowly, his Guide powers filling his mind with information on this creature.

King Sombra, an evil tyrant with shadow powers, wants to rule the Crystal Kingdom, needs six beings to counter the efforts of six others that wish to keep him from this goal.

Has enough power to kill you in half a second.

“Yes, yes I am, you are King Sombra, what do you want from me?”

“I am sure that you are aware of why I am here, wise one?”

“Yes, you want me to help you take over the Crystal Kingdom.”

“Correct. You have a great potential, Michael.”

“You have a great right to kiss my ass.” He’d never been so bold before, but realizing that, as an NPC, he could basically come back to life for free gave him hope.

“I would stay my tongue if I were you. Listen, take this, it will help you distract those pesky heroines.” Sombra levitated out a set of books.

Michael, being the Guide, knew these books by magically-gained memory, Demon Scythe, Necrotic Missile, Crystal Storm, Golden Flame, each one had great power, and to hold them would mean that he would have that power.

“But I am not a player, I cannot wield items.”

“I decree that you are.” Sombra’s title held some authority here, as did the power of his extensive abilities in magic.

*Michael the Guide has joined the game.*

“So, I am now a player?”

“Yes, it’s that simple, but for doing this for you, I need you to do this for me, I will send you to a place close to the Crystal Kingdom, from there it should be easy to find.”

“Alright, how will you get me there, will it be a Magic Mirror?”

Sombra grinned evilly, reaching into his cape and pulling out a pair of identical plushies, both of them were Guide Voodoo Dolls.

He put one into Michael’s inventory, then took the other in his telekinesis.

The infinitely wise man floated a few feet into the air, his arms and legs were spread out, his head held to look at Sombra directly.

One by one, his shoulders and hips snapped, leaving him paralyzed in pain, then finally his head was held tight.

“You’ll respawn soon.” the dark king assured in a wicked tone, snapping the neck of the doll.

For Michael, all he could see was a blank red screen with brighter red letters reading

You were slain.

Michael the Guide has left the game.

-Random Universe ERH-

[“In the future, nobody will drop the bass.”
“No one will do the Harlem Shake.”
“No one will know bitches love the cake.”

“There will be no internet friends.”
“There will be no antidote."
“The human race will be extinct.”

...

“Say hello to the robots!”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88tUS0tZ4gg)

A young man bopped his head to the beat of the song, EDM Death Machine, by Knife Party.

He was a portly man, standing about 6’1" tall. He had brown curly hair and hazel eyes that were slightly hidden by a pair of glasses.

And he was trying to make the best of a recent earthquake that just ruined his Los Angeles home.

“David, stop listening to music, and help us!”

David rolled his eyes, took out his earbuds, and grabbed his phone, wallet, iPod Touch and tablet, and listened to his step-dad.

“Yeah, sure Mike.” David grabbed a box full of relief supplies and hefted it to the nearby college campus, where other people had gathered to feel safe, and some would no-doubt be feverishly studying out of a desperate fear of dying stupid.

“Earthquakes, pretty crappy, am I right?”

“Just be glad we prepared.”

“Yeah.” David looked down at his red shirt with the yellow hammer and sickle on it, and green jeans, and wondered how he didn’t get them stained yet.

Doesn’t matter, he’d continued, doing his job for the community.

“Avoid-”

“The cracks, yes, I can see them clearly.” David said as he stepped over a few of them.

Unfortunately, an aftershock struck when David had one foot in the air, causing him to lose his balance and fall down a manhole.

“David!”

Thankfully, the fall wasn’t that great, but David would be sore for a few hours.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I am, just fell on my ass, Mike!”

“Stay there, I’ll get help.” Mike ran off, trying to get what he needed to pull the unfit man out of the hole.

“Man...” David looked around the dark hole, and scoffed. He sat down slowly, to adjust to the pain, and grunted.

And then, there was even more darkness, it was so dark that it seemed like it was night.

“Wait, wasn’t it 11AM?”

A shadowy figure snuck up on him, and placed an ice-cold hoof on David’s shoulder. David flinched and fell down.

'You, you are a selfless being of tenacity, are you not?'

“...The fuck does tenacity mean? And who the hell are you?”

Sombra performed a mental-message spell to imitate that Michael guy’s auto-knowledge gaining powers.

King Sombra, I’m the evil tyrant of shadows, I want to rule the Crystal Kingdom, but I need six beings to counter the efforts of six others that wish to keep me from this goal.

On an unrelated note, I have enough power to kill you in half a second.

David, naturally, decided what was best for him, follow the monster thing and do what he wants, or else get a painful, if brief death.

'So, will you accept?'

“Hold on, what’s in it for me?”

Sombra deadpanned, and physically appeared in front of the young man.

“What do you wish, selfless one? I can give you any material possession.”

David thought about it, and smirked.

“An iPod Touch with unlimited music and power supply, perfect sync wireless headphones that never run out of juice, a Colt Python revolver with several rounds of .38 caliber rounds, as much as I can carry, no wait, two Colts! And an AN-94 with as much ammo as I can carry, I want to shoot that damn thing!”

Sombra raised an eyebrow, and simply read David’s mind to see what he meant, and decided to grant his wishes.

The objects materialized, and David smirked at the firepower he had just received.

“Wait, can I also have a bastard sword, just in case?

Sombra rolled his eyes and granted that as well, complete with a highly ornate sheath.

"Sweet." David said, unsheathing a few inches and looking at the blade.

Sombra then promptly knocked the man out, and turned back into the smoky form that promptly consumed him.

In the new world, six mares, six elements, your ally will be very knowledgeable, use his knowledge, and act. Follow.

I can see that it’s your very nature to follow.

-Random Universe WDE-

The radio was placed safely back into his back pocket, he didn’t want to lose it.

Lee looked around the basement of the hospital, the walkers were weakly banging on the door, and would eventually get through it, so he needed a plan.

“Oh shit, I got so far and I can’t lose like this, trapped in this goddamn… basement.” He said in a desperate tone, trying to calm himself enough to act rationally.

He blinked and saw red, not surprising considering the bloodlust that was building in him.

Cabinets! He loved cabinets, they were so full of surprises, and only the good kind, because walkers can’t fit in cabinets.

One of them had a bone-saw, the other had a chest opener.

“This, hehe, I could do some pretty ugly damage with this thing.” he mused, testing the blade on a fallen walker.

The neck was sliced all the way through with one pass, it was a perfect for small groups.

‘I could cut off my hand, maybe that will stop the virus… oh who am I kidding, it’s probably already reached my brain.’ He thought, putting the saw into its sheath and putting the whole thing into his worker’s shirt.

The elevator! He’d just now seen it, the elevator must have had an emergency ladder and he could use that to get up to the roof and find his way back to the house.

Determined, he wedged the chest opener between the elevator doors, cranking it and spreading the doors a good amount.

*CLAEK* the opener broke, but luckily the elevator doors reached the point at which the override system kicked in and removed the pressure keeping them closed.

LADDER!

Taking hold, he began climbing, thinking thoughts that gave him strength.

‘I’ll find Clementine, I’ll find her, kill the bastard that took her, and get her out of here, away from the city, out into the country where there’ll be minimum walkers, who knows, maybe I’m conveniently actually immune to this viiiiiii-’ As if fate had perceived temptation and responded by pissing on him, his vision went dark, he felt his grip weakening.

Suddenly the darkness faded, and he felt his strength come back to him.

Climbing the ladder with renewed vigor, he reached the top in no time.

--

It was night-time outside, how was that possible? He’d taken his eyes off the sky for only ten seconds, the time to go past the top floor to and through the roof-access door, and now it was totally dark.

“Shit, shit shit shit shit shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit.” Lee complained, going to the edge of the roof.

He couldn’t see the house from here.

He couldn’t even see the ground from here.

He contemplated just jumping off the edge, right here, and ending it all.

‘No, no don’t think that man, that’s the most cruel thing you could do right now, you’ve got to save Clementine, let Clementine be the thing that helps you fight this goddamn disease.’ With memories of little happy moments, small acts of kindness that built into a wonderful friendship, Lee found himself feeling even stronger.

“Yessssss… let the power of your destiny bolster the power of your body.” A sinister voice coaxed.

Lee turned around, bonesaw in hand.

Some sort of unicorn-looking thing with kingly attire and dark energy was standing there.

“I have been watching you for some time, purehearted one.” The dark king hissed, “I have something important for you to do.”

“I don’t want any part of this, this is probably a hallucination anyway.” Lee dismissed, trying to see anything else in the city at this point.

Sombra snarled, levitated Lee’s bonesaw out of his shirt, and made a long, jagged cut along his forearm. Lee jumped back and grabbed the attacked arm, trying to stop the bleeding and wincing at the nasty wound.

“Believe me now? Listen, if it’s any consolation, I’ll give you something to do this for me.”

“What do you want?”

"I am looking to rule over a place called the Crystal Kingdom, but there will soon be six heroines coming in to help defend it. I want you to distract them and mitigate their efforts, you will have help, but my power cannot put you directly into the city.”

“Okay, I think I can do that, so what do I get out of it?”

“I cannot cure you, but I can have your disease tamed.”

“You mean, like, you can stop the spread?”

“No, I mean tamed like an animal, what is now a bane will become a boon.”

Lee had options here, what would he say?

'Sorry, but I have something more important to do.'

'I don’t believe you.'

'That doesn’t seem like much.'

Or stay silent.

“I don’t know, that doesn’t seem like a lot for me helping you conquer a city-state.”

“If I help you save that little girl, then would you have no qualms with coming to my side?”

Lee was silent for a few moments. If he could save her...

“...Yes… I accept.”

Sombra’s horn flared up with red magic, then Lee was surrounded by a red aura and floated a few inches off the ground.

Groaning in pain as a burning sensation washed over him, leaving him feeling slightly cold, Lee opened his eyes, staring into the red irises and green whites of Sombra’s eyes.

“It is done, now then.” Suddenly it was daytime and Sombra disappeared in a cloud of black smoke, causing Lee to cough at the sudden invasion of his lungs.

The tall man felt an immense strength, strength that he had control over.

Experimentally, he curled up, building a tension in the muscles of his legs.

Suddenly, he released and leapt from the roof of the hospital to the roof of a nearby building with the grace of a grasshopper.

He smiled, this would make getting to the Marsh House immensely easier.

Leaping again, he knew that the hunt was on.

--

Walking into the Marsh House from the roof-access door, Lee made his way down the hall, walking slowly as to make as little noise as possible.

One room out of all of them, one room was lit, so he entered it, slowly.

It was empty.

WAIT! There was a rope tied to another door’s handle, maybe Clementine was in there.

‘The kidnapper is in the closet.’ Sombra informed him telepathically.

Turning to the closet, Lee stared at it for several seconds, earning no response.

The door it was then.

Turning back and taking a step towards the door, he heard a tiny creaking noise, barely noticeable, but he still heard it.

Whipping around, he caught the middle-aged man behind him off guard, causing him to jump back with his gun hand outstretched.

‘Punch him in the wrist, the force will overload the nerves in his hand, making him drop his gun.'

Lee leaned forward and lashed out, stabbing his dirty fingernails into the other man’s wrist, causing him to wince in pain, his hand going limp for a few seconds and dropping the gun.

Watching it fall, the infected man caught it with his foot and kicked it up towards his own hand.

*BANG* And his foe now had a little hole right between the eyes.

Clementine, who had been startled by the noises, looked out of her room and found Lee standing there, looking down at the dead body of her kidnapper.

“Clementine?” Lee asked, having heard the opening of the door.

“Lee!” Clementine cried out in relief, running to him.

“Clementine!” Lee took a step forward and squatted down, catching Clementine when she got to him.

They embraced, the protective man making sure to not wound the little girl in the process.

While adult walkers were one thing...

Child walkers were just a cruel joke in the face of morality.

‘Take her to the edge of the city, then we go.’

‘Okay, slow down a little bit please, I just reunited with the girl that’s like the daughter I never had. Can I have another minute or two?’

‘Fine, the first set of watchers hasn't even arrived yet, I can spare a few minutes.'

“Alright, just hang on tight and don’t be scared.” Grabbing Clementine and running out of the Marsh House, Lee found himself facing a street full of walkers.

Squatting down a good foot or so, he leapt onto a nearby rooftop, perfectly safe.

Clementine winced at the sudden jolting of motion, gradually getting used to the roller-coaster-like movements of Lee’s leaps.

--

The edge of the Savannah, leading to a lot of open ground and forests. It was wilderness, where there weren’t a lot of people.

“Clementine, stay here until I get back, please, I won’t be long.” Lee instructed gently, setting the little girl down on the roof of the train platform.

Clementine blinked and Lee was sailing through the air, it was amazing to watch from a third-person view.

Then she imagined what it would be like if walkers could do that.

A few minutes later, the tall man returned with a gun and a backpack.

“A weapon, and some food and water, keep it safe, find Omid and Christa if you can, they might have left the city.” He directed, bringing her down to the ground.

“Okay Lee, anything else-*GASP*” Clementine watched as red crystals appeared in a circle around Lee, trapping him slowly.

‘Enough drama, time to go, NOW!’

“Listen, Clementine, don’t be afraid, you’re smarter than they are, you’re faster than they are, you have your mind on your side, they only have instinct.” Only a face-sized hole was left.

"LEE! DON'T GO!" Clementine banged her little fists on the crystals, trying to keep him.

Lee smiled, “Goodbye Clementine, remember me for who I was.”

The young girl watched in horror as the ruby prison Lee was trapped in pushed her back with a burst of red energy, then was encapsulated with black smoke, the shroud swirling around it quickly.

Just as quickly as the smoke appeared, it vanished, leaving nothing behind but a sound like a sigh.

-Random Universe MK9-

Cold and dark. Cold and dark.

Stryker supposed that that was what death was like.

Cold, dark... and painful.

All the pain covered his body, he didn’t know where he was, where he was going to be, and why.

It wasn’t until he saw demon in human form use a spell that made him alive.

But then he noticed, he wasn’t moving.

He was scared, confused, and then the demon spoke.

“You have all recently been killed, and I must apologize.” Quan Chi said in a less than sincere tone. “From now, to the day I die, you shall be under my control, and be my personal guard.”

What? No... NO!

Quan Chi walked to the first one.

Do you understand?

“Yes master.” Jade responded in a possessed tone.

Quan Chi smiled, and moved on the next one.

“Do you understand?”

“Yes master.” Jax responded in the same way.

'Please don’t tell me.'

“Do you understand?”

“Yes master.” Stryker responded.

'No... No!'

Kurtis Stryker, one of Chicago’s finest SWAT officers, the one who stopped a bus bomb, and a hostile office building takeover, had been killed by a woman who snapped his neck like a twig, and was now a mind controlled zombie who only remembers how it happened.

It was... heartbreaking.

He felt like crying, but couldn’t. All he did was keep the same 1000-yard stare that now plagued his stoic face.

'Now now, diligent one, I am here to help.'

What?

Deep in the confines of the officer’s mind, Sombra’s influence came to be.

'I am here to help you be free, in exchange, I require your help.'

'Please, anything to escape this nightmare.'

'You are eager, good.'

'What do you want, I’ll do anything!'

'Anything?'

'Anything!'

'Even, aid me in conquering an empire?'

'I... I don’t know... I don’t know, that would go completely against what I've been fighting for for the past... I can't even remember how long.'

It was quiet. Nothing was happening. And then Sombra spoke up.

'If you choose to aid me, I will aid you, I will free you and your friends from these chains, and release you.'

'Really? I... I don’t know... I...'

'Do you not trust me?'

'No.. I mean yes... I mean... it’s just...'

'Ah... I see. Very well, I will release you, but you have the entire time to change your mind if you need time. You can trust me. But I must warn you, if you choose to deny this offer, you will be back in these chains that bind you.'

By the time Quan Chi noticed the ever closing shadow, it was too late. The shadow swooped in and took Stryker’s soul from his vessel. Quan Chi cast a spell to cast it away, but the spell was reflected. Quan Chi snarled, but decided that one soul wasn’t going to make a difference.

He now had a meeting with Raiden to get too.

-Random Universe GTA-

Trevor howled in laughter as he ran over an old lady with a shopping bag, causing dozens of little items to scatter across the street.

“WHEEEEEE-HOOOO” He whooped, wiping his bleeding nose on the shirt of the corpse of a man who’d tried to hijack his truck, “COME ON RINGO, SNUFF IT!” he shouted, further breaking the body’s head by slamming it onto a paper with a line of cocaine on it.

Taking the paper and snorting the white powder up, Trevor went into the lever of high where he wouldn’t remember anything that would happen for the next six hours.

--

Waking up on top of a mountain, laying in a pile of piss-stained pairs of jeans, the maniacal man stood up and looked at himself in a hand mirror he’d stolen from that old lady.

“Yep, look like shit, smell like death, fuck bitches, get money, Franklin yer a goddamn genius.” He could kill hookers to get his money back!

Looking around, he pulled out the heavy sniper rifle, a Barrett M82, and looked around trying to find out where he was.

There was a ghost on the next hill.

“Holy shit, the mountain ghost stories are real!” He noted in amazement.

It didn’t look like how everyone described it though.

It wasn’t a little girl with a water-molded face, oil-black hair, and a messy white dress.

It was a black unicorn with red eyes and steel armor.

And a nice cape.

Slowly approaching it, the crazy crackhead saw that it was smiling at him.

“The hysterical one?” It asked, holy shit it could talk!

“I’m feelin’ a little hysterical, ya sonuva-bitch.” Trevor didn’t like people assuming things about him.

“Listen, I am King Sombra of the Crystal Kingdom.”

“Crystals, eh? Ya got meth?”

“...” Sombra scanned Trevor’s mind to find out what he meant by this, “... No, but I have the power to secure you an unlimited supply of meth, cocaine of the powder and crack-rock varieties, and all of those other substances you so enjoy stuffing up your nose, injecting in your veins, or inhaling the fumes of.”

“Alright, I’m in, ya little fucker.”

“Just like that?”

“Yeah, just like that, I want that unlimited supply.”

Sombra, for the first time in a long time, was confused, “I haven’t even told you what I want you to do.”

“Doesn’t matter, getting drugs.”

“Well, I will transport you to a place nearby a city-state known as the Crystal Kingdom, it is a place that is warm and made of crystals. six heroines will arrive and intend to defend the city, but I want you to distract them so that I can secure control of it.”

“Alright, I’ll do it.”

“Are you sure you’re up to this task? I must ask that you produce minimal property damage.”

Trevor gasped, no property damage?

‘But those drugs though!’

“...Alright, *gulp* I think I can handle that.”

“Also, it will be very cold and it’s far to the north, can you handle that as well?”

Trevor groaned, Why did he have to remind me that I’m Canadian?

‘Fuck, those drugs on unlimited supply though!’

“...Alright *sigh* I’ll do it.”

“Excellent! Do you need to pack or secure anything before you go?”

“No, it’s all in my pockets, my deep, deep pockets.”

True, he had several pistols, shotguns, SMGS, assault rifles, and even a rocket launcher, grenade launcher, flamethrower, and gatling gun all safely stored away in his hammerspace pockets.

“Okay, I will teleport you now.” Sombra’s horn flared up with magic.

Trevor sighed as the energy washed over him, filling him with a warm, high feeling.

With a flash, the Crazy part of the Unholy Trinity was gone, leaving the Unholy Duality of Connections (Franklin) and Cash (Michael) to run Los Santos alone.

-Random Universe 115-

“Oh... we blew up Earth... fuck.”

Four men were standing next to the receiving area on Griffin Station, a top secret moon base.

These men were in space suits, and did not believe it, they just sent three nukes to the planet.

Oh, and one of their so-called ‘allies’ stabbed them in the back, and switched his soul with that of a little girl’s.

In other words, it’s an above average day for these guys.

“Really, all that work and we blew up the Earth? What the fuck.” Tank Dempsey, one of the men said.

“Oh, wait a minute, if Earth blew up, so did all the distilleries! MY VODKA!!!” Nikolai Belinski, the group’s drunk, grasped his helmet in shock.

“Drunken wretch.” The group’s new impromptu leader, Takeo Masaki said.

“Fuck you Takeo.”

“Do not insult Uncle Takeo.” The girl, who was once in her body, now switched to this body, was named Samantha.

As for the traitor...

“So... you blew up ze Earth.”

“Fuck you Richtofen.” Dempsey muttered, insulting Dr. Edward Richtofen, former Group 935 scientist, and genuine psychopathic German with an ambiguous affinity towards men.

“Zat vas not nice.”

“Kiss my ass!”

“Oh Dempshey, of course I vouldn’t kiss your arse. It smells just like Nikolai vhen at his best, as in, it smells like zhit.”

“Hehe... I am smelly, is funny, no?” Nikolai replied.

“Yeah, you’re a smelly, fat drunk.” Samantha said.

“Hahaha...” Takeo chuckled.

“If you four are done talking, may I make a proposition?”

The four of them turned towards a black unicorn with red eyes and armor. No suit was on this being, but they could hear them in the vacuum of space.

“...Sure, why not? It’s not like we’ve dealt with better, Treyarch.”

“Dempsey, you talk shit, what do you want, because I am sobering up, and I don’t like being sober.”

“Very well, I am here to make an offer to one of you, if you choose to follow me, I shall grant your deepest desires to you in return.”

Dempsey felt skeptical.

“Wait, what do we have to do?”

“You have to help me conquer this city-state, the Crystal Empire.”

“Wait, are there zombies?”

“Well, yes and no, they're not zombies in the literal sense, they're zombies in the figurative sense, as in, thoughtless and emotionless husks of real people. However one of them is a literal one, but he's not like the kinds you have dealt with.”

Takeo, Dempsey and Samantha thought about what they wanted.

Takeo could have retribution.

Dempsey could have a new home, and good women.

Samantha could have her father back, and get rid of the nasty Eddy once and for all.

Nikolai knew what he wanted before he was even offered, vodka. So he immediately decided to go forward.

“I will do it, if you could give my comrades the same thing too, I like Dempsey, I owe Takeo, and... who are you again?”

“Samantha, and please, Mister Unicorn, don’t choose this idiot!”

Sombra smirked, and spoke.

“He offered first, so he goes. As for the rest of you, I shall help you nonetheless.” Sombra used a spell to seal the three into crystal, leaving Nikolai to look in a mix of shock and nausea.

“What the fuck was that?”

“Insurance.” Sombra used a knock-out spell on the drunk, who fell to the ground. Suddenly, a blue spirit appeared in front of the unicorn.

“You have to give him back later, I am not done vith him.”

“No.” Sombra replied flatly, teleporting the four humans with him to Equestria.

Richtofen, despite his great knowledge of science and how to do things intelligently, just stood there and pouted.

“Shit, I vasn’t done vith him. Oh vell, I suppose I could find a new set of people... hmm... OOOOooo...”

He picked up a radio input, "Guten tag, I am Doktor Richtofen, I am looking vor zomeone to talk to."

Static was the only response

Richtofen sighed and spoke to himself.

“Nozing. I shall vait, for however long it shall take...”

It would take several years before he would be able to contact people on Earth again.

-Random Universe DQE, Great North Region, near the Crystal Kingdom-

Cadance looked out the window of the train, watching the snowy sky drift over her.

“Do… do you really think it’s back?” Shining asked tentatively, watching an attendant write on a small whiteboard.

ETA: 2 minutez

She had written the ‘s’ was backwards, how much could he count on this attendant to be accurate?

Furthermore, how long would he have to wait to get somewhere safe?

“I’m sure of it, a pony doesn’t just forget what home feels like.”

“I know, but what about the state it’s in, it’s called ontological inertia, Candy, the crystal ponies aren’t just going to have recovered on their own without a good leader like.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll get a message to Aunt Celestia sent fast as lightning, we’ll get your- *ahem* our sister and the other Element Bearers out here, six extra sets of hooves will keep the citizens happy while I prepare the Crystal Heart.”

“Do you even know where it is?”

“...” Cadance looked at her husband with a blank stare, a blank stare of horrible realization, “No, I… I don’t.”

“Maybe they’ll find it too, Twily and her friends can do anything, they must be able to find the heart.”

“I hope so…” The pretty pink princess frowned, looking at her hooves in minor depression.

“Perhaps you should get a head-start on that letter.”

“Yeah, yeah that sounds like a good idea.”

Cadance levitated a pencil and piece of paper from one seat's built-in pocket, brought them over to her face, and began writing.

Dear Aunt Celestia,

Author's Note

so, chapter 1/10 done, hope you all like it

Props to Awesomedude17 for the idea of a collab, and for writing David, Stryker, and Nikolai's intro sections.

Again, this not a sequel, rather it's a side story to FWtW and Six, non-canonical and set differently for the characters, as well as mine starting at the beginning of S3, where as his starts at the beginning of S2

tune in for both of our stories, and stay tuned in for next time

The P Co out, do drugs, stay out of school, don't eat vegetables, and don't take my advice

A Hectic Infiltration process

The Crystal Kingdom has returned, I and Shiny are en-route there now, if you would, please send Twily and her Element of Harmony friends, we could use all the help we could get, especially since we aren’t sure how bad the situation is, or how good it might be, mark the situation as ‘unknown’ and get Twily out here with us.

Please and thank you,

Love you, Mi Amore Cadenza =)

With the letter finished, Cadence rolled the scroll up and flashed it away.

“So, what are you thinking, Candy?” Shining queried, he’d already cleaned and polished all of his armor to a sheen, going further with it would make it blindingly lustrous.

“I’m thinking, that the train could move faster, and…” She felt a sense of dread “...You could use a weapon.”

“Well, the only weapon I’m skilled with is a spear, and I didn’t bring one with me.” The knight informed, putting a comforting foreleg around his wife’s hyperventilating form.

The loving contact sent sobering chills up Cadence’s spine, shocking her out of her worry, “You’re right, well… I can make you one out of crystals, and then… all we have to do is wait.” the pretty pink princess planned, summoning up an orb of her magic.

Forming the orb into a long, thick line, she created a sapphire spear from nothing.

“Wow, never seen that spell before.” The white stallion observed in amazement, how did she even do that?

Cadence wordlessly lowered the spear into her husband’s waiting hooves, smiling as she watched him give it a few test thrusts and swings.

A servant walked into the car bearing news “Excuse me, Princess and Prince, but we’ve arrived.”

“Ah, finally.” both royals said simultaneously, stepping out of the train.

It was bad.

Even judging from one glance, it was bad.

The sky was dark, and Shining could tell by the position of the sun that it was noon.

Crystal ponies aimlessly wandered through the streets, moving with all the intelligence and dexterity of zombies.

“… Shit.” Legends would be spoken of the perfectness-to-words ratio of summing up a situation that Shining just pulled off.

100% perfectness, only 1 word.

-Somewhere a couple miles west of the Crystal Kingdom-

Michael looked around at all of the fresh, innocent, virgin snow.

He violated it by running through it with his dirty shoes.

Slowly, through warmth and wash, his shoes were cleaned off, leaving only slight ruts in the snow as she sprinted as fast as he could.

He felt free, free to do as he pleased, he was a player, and he could put all of his intelligence to use.

Then the new information came in.

His mind was infinite in capacity and it infinitely expanded its content, and now it was filling up with information on this new world.

Equus, land of many mythical creatures, even more than Terraria.

The magical aura here was much stronger here, he could expend all of his mana and only wait a few seconds to recharge.

Using this peaceful time to test out his new spells, which he’d already memorized, He watched as the gently-falling snow was scattered away by a bolt of golden flames.

The demon scythe flew away from him, speeding up exponentially.

The necrotic missile was an empowered form of magic missile, while it lost its never-miss power, it gained an immense damage boost.

Crystal storm was fun, watching all of those little glowing shards fly away, and judging that… if his information on the species of this place were true (which it was, because he only ever had correct information) then he’d be able to shred even a minotaur to ribbons in about...

*TITITITITITITITITITITITITIT* he kept going for a whole minute.

Let’s see, about 10,000 crystals per minute.

Given the average size of a minotaur and the size of the crystals.

Factor in all that physics and medical crap, like the velocity of the crystals versus how dense the minotaur’s muscles are.

He’d be able to shred a minotaur to ribbons in about… half a minute.

It wasn’t impressive, the crystals went about 100m/s, versus the average 375m/s of a bullet, however the crystals were 1” thick spikes that tapered down to needle points, as opposed to usually less than 0.5” for a bullet.

Overall, it was balanced.

“OI!” he heard someone shout to him.

Looking in the direction of the shout, he found a somewhat portly man sitting in the snow and shivering.

Walking closer, slowly, Michael examined the man’s clothes.

A red shirt with a yellow hammer and sickle on it, and green denim jeans. Obviously this other man wasn’t expecting cold weather.

Just looking at him told Michael a lot about the world he came from, including the meaning of the symbol on his shirt.

Such an oddity, a world with enough people to divide into classes and make seem inferior to others, and as such the working class, hammer for industry and sickle for agriculture, would rise up against their oppressors.

Then the player saw a pair of revolvers at the man’s side, and a rifle and bastard sword crossed on his back.

This man had no tools, obviously he hadn’t really expected much, but since his world was so much unlike Terraria, then it was understandable.

“Ugh... where am I? Why the hell is it so cold? I freaking hate that unicorn.” David mumbled as looked around, finally seeing Michael clearly.

“Who the hell are you?”

Michael tried to answer, but was interrupted.

“Nevermind. Damn, it’s cold as balls here.” David shrugged.

“Snowballs, maybe, your body temperature seems to be about 98.6 degrees fahrenheit.” Michael corrected with his extensive knowledge of biology.

“Oh, thanks for the good news.” David sarcastically responded. “I bet it’s going south as we speak.”

“Well, natural body temperature, here, I have something that may help.” Michael flexed his fingers and cast Golden Flames on the ground, creating a small fireball that quickly fizzled out as it melted the snow into water “Oh, it seems that this will be harder than expected.”

“Did you just summon fire?” David said flabbergasted.

“Yes, anybody can use any spell with the right book and a few mana stars, watch.” The player fired a Necrotic Missile over David’s head, watching it sail far into the distance before dissipating.

“... Okay, I’m no longer in LA.” David said flatly.

“Ah yes, Los Angeles, for one thing it is very warm there, but we are far to the north in Equus, so it’ll be a bit hard to find some good weather.” Michael informed out of habit.

He knew that this man was far from an idiot, but old habits die hard.

David looked at the man, and knew that this guy was smart. Considering everything, especially how he reacted to his deadpan remark, he must have dealt with people more annoying than he was at his worst.

He sighed, and spoke.

“Let’s just get to a cave or something, huddle up, because we both know that the winds here aren’t good for your magic spells, or whatever.”

“Wind? I didn’t notice, is… is snow harmful to your health? Wait of course it is, your body is subject to temperatures. Right, well, I’ll dig the way, you keep watch with your rifle.” Michael peered into the distance and pulled out his copper pickaxe.

David shook his head and took out his rifle.

'Am I the only normal guy in this universe? I hope not. What’s next, some methhead?' he thought, quickly running out of hope.

He was shaken from his thoughts by the sound of digging, and sure enough Michael was digging a huge hole straight down into the ground.

Nikolai woke up to find himself in a middle of a snowstorm. As he looked around, his face contorted to a look of confusion.

“Wait, is this Siberia, or Crystal Empire? Bah, I am sure that... fuck.” Nikolai took off his helmet, letting cold air blast onto his face. He grabbed a bottle of 80-proof vodka and took a drink out of it.

Letting out a massive belch, he attracted the attention of a nearby Canadian sociopath.

“HEY THERE!” Trevor hollered over, looking around the frozen field, “You know where that Crystal Empire is?” he asked, walking closer with a pistol out.

“EH? Who is there!? Do you have vodka?”

“Nope, got some meth though.” Trevor flashed a bag containing the precious substance, then brought his pistol back out again.

“Oh... okay... So, we both do not know where Empire is?”

“Well bud, I’d say it’s probably somewhere in that bigass bubble.” Trevor pulled out a sniper rifle and took a zoomed-in look at the protective bubble shield.

Nikolai looked over to see that there was indeed a giant bubble.

“Wow, I am really drunk... Big surprise, no?”

“Nope, I’m stone-cold not-on-alcohol and I see it too.” the crazy gunner couldn’t really say sober, because he’d snorted a few ounces of cocaine a few minutes ago.

“Alright comrade, I am Nikolai, armed and drunk Russian.”

“And I’m Trevor, armed and high ‘Murican.” Trevor really hated being seen as some maple-guzzling wussbag that people so often saw Canadians as.

“Strange accent...” Trevor got a little pissed. “Oh, are you from that Texas place?”

“Er… yeah, yeah I am, you from Moss Cows or whatever?”

“No, I am not from Moscow, I am from Leningrad.”

“No idea where that one is, anyways, lemme call my buddy ‘the mechanic’ and he’ll get my truck out here, then we’ll get over to that there bubble in a bit.” Trevor pulled out his cellphone and saw that he, surprisingly, had a signal stronger than his phone could measure.

“Alright, but be gentle, I get carsick.” Nikolai belched slightly.

Calling the mechanic, the airsman looked around the cold wasteland, it was dark, but the sun was still high in the sky, which was odd.

“Yeah, alright I’m on my way.” the mechanic said on the other end.

Several seconds later, a loud, smoke-blasting, really old-looking truck came charging in from the distance.

The mechanic was perplexed at how he’d gotten out here. Stopping about twenty feet from his client, he stepped out, made a small flourish motion, and walked away.

Trevor got into the driver’s seat and turned the truck on again.

Nikolai got into the passenger’s seat, and made an unusual facial expression.

“Red, like the Soviet flag.”

“No, red like the blood of the confederacy, or Canis or something, or whatever this truck is… anyways buckle up.”

Nikolai reached for the seatbelt, only to find that there wasn’t one.

“Eh... done?” Nikolai said as he grabbed something that might help him hold on.

Trevor clicked his pistol’s slide back to cock it, then handed a shotgun to Nikolai.

“Alright, chaos and no property damage, got it bud?”

“Alright, Nikolai can agree to that. If there are zombies, make sure they do not touch my vodka, alright?”

“Don’t worry… aw shit, the heater’s broken, can I get a swig’a that?” Without waiting for permission, Trevor grabbed the bottle from the cupholder and drank a few mouthfuls.

*CHIK-CHIK* Nikolai aimed the SPAZ-24, an upgraded SPAS-12, at the methhead with wide eyes.

“Give me my vodka back, suka.” Nikolai ordered in a low tone.

“Alright, alright, don’t look forward to gettin’ my head blown to smithereens, here, wiped my spit off for ya too.” Trevor made an obvious motion of wiping his saliva off of the mouth of the bottle, but secretly spit in it.

Nikolai nodded and took a drink, getting a major buzz from Trevor’s fucked-up body fluids.

“Shit, my body feels like shit, like after time with sixth wife... haaa... Balls...”

“You know, you remind me of some asshole I killed, his name was Josef.” Trevor reminisced that day, it was the first time in months he’d used jumper cables.

He’d killed Josef with this guy named Joe after he knocked both of them out after he was ordered by a some Mexican-American who was harassed by the so-called Civil Border Patrol.

It was a fun day, especially since he’d done the whole mission while on LSD.

Using what had looked like a unicorn horn up their...*ahem* instead of a pistol to shoot them in the head was pretty badass as well, especially since he later found out that the unicorn horn was actually his broken bottle, and he’d been hallucinating pretty hard.

But hallucinations were fun.

“Oh, and how was... do you taste yellow? I am tasting yellow all over my eyes, is weird.”

“Dude, I’m hearing chocolate in my fingernails, you’ll get used to it, come on, we’re almost there, time to do that Sombra son of a bitch’s duties.” Trevor floored it and started barreling through the snow.

The mechanic watched the departing truck, then looked around and wondered how to get back to Blaine County.

--

“Heh, I am good at duties.” Nikolai said suddenly, laughing a little bit.

“Well good, because duty calls.” Trevor replied with a few chuckles.

“And the answer is VICTORY FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!”

“No, the answer is Black Operations.”

“Nyet, is Modern Warfare.”

“Whatever it is, the World will be At War.”

“Or we be in and out like Ghosts.”

“Man, the only thing that’ll end that is Extinction.”

“No, that would be Nazi Zombies.”

Both Nikolai and Trevor laughed out loud between their pointless, drug-induced banter.

Stryker opened his eyes, and got up, noticing that he was no longer in the Netherrealm, but in a winter wasteland.

'NAWT, much, better~' he imagined Johnny Cage saying, which pretty summed up the concept of replacing death-by-burning with death-by-freezing.

“Where am I even?” Stryker said as he looked around the barely-visible landscape

“Police? POLICE GUY!” Lee called out to the man who he just now saw in the distance.

Stryker turned to see a dirty black man, running towards him, waving his arms.

“Oh, are you okay sir?” Stryker said as he approached the man, hoping he wasn’t injured.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, I just… I’m looking for... I need some help, I just need to…” Lee stopped for a moment.

He needed to think about what he was about to say.

‘Find shelter?’

‘Attack a city-state?’

-> ‘Find someone?’ <-

‘…’ (Stay silent?)

“I need to find someone, his name is Sombra, he’s some sort of… well I need to find him.” Lee figured that, even if they were out here in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, this guy might still arrest him if he seemed to be on drugs.

“Hmm, well sir, if it were any other day, I’d ask you if you were intoxicated, but considering that I was killed, turned to a mindless slave, and brought back to life, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

“Well, I’d understand if you thought I was on drugs or something, I nearly died, vaulted over a city, saved a little girl, and now I’m here because of some Sombra guy who needs me.”

Stryker nodded, and sighed, “Looks like we’re on the same page pal. Name’s Kurtis, Kurtis Stryker.”

“Lee, Lee… Enfield” the dirty man lied, not sure what to really say, it had just become a habit to hide his name.

“Alright Lee... I see some sort of bubble shield over there, if we hurry, we might make it there before we freeze to death.” Stryker said, letting his special forces training take over.

“I nearly forgot about that, I guess it’s just so relieving to finally meet someone who hasn’t gone crazy, alright, follow me.” Lee curled up and leapt away like a human-sized grasshopper.

“Of course he can do that... I bet that needle-mouthed woman, or that four-armed tiger monster would have a field day with him.” Stryker muttered to himself as he began to run towards Lee.

The half-zombie waved to him, and when Stryker was about ten feet away, Lee curled up and leapt towards the bubble again.

Sighing, Kurtis followed, hoping that this wasn’t going to be some sort of trend.

To his lack of surprise, Lee did the exact same thing when Kurtis was ten feet away from the him again.

Leading the way, the Georgian quickly approached the massive blue bubble with the SWAT officer following close behind.

“I’M THROUGH!” Michael called up from the hole as he fell a distance too short to damage him

He looked up and noticed that he’d dug at least fifty feet down, a fatal height for David, “I’ll make a pathway, okay?” he called up again, placing ice block to make platforms.

“Uh... yeah, about earlier, I’m sorry about that, you can understand why, right?”

“I understand, it’s understandable that someone who has never experienced magic would not know how it works, and people tend to get angry when they are uncomfortable.”

“That, and I was torn from my home.”

“Yes, that is also a very viable grounds for being disgruntled at the least, going on a full-on rage at the most.”

“Alright dude, what’s your name, by the way?”

“Michael, Michael the Guide, destined to lead the protagonist through his or her own destiny, that’s my job, as the elder gods dictated, I know that you’re David, you’re from Los Angeles, California, in the United States of America, on Earth.” David was a bit shocked at how much Michael knew.

“...That’s creepy dude... you sure you weren’t stalking me?”

“It is by the elder gods that I know everything about everything, including things that I may only know by looking at someone who is of those things, by looking at you, I learned of the history of Earth, and it is… horrible.”

“OH, so you’re like the Rick Sanchez of your world, except non-alcoholic.”

“More like the Wikipedia of all of reality.”

“... Makes as much sense as anything else in this damn place.”

“Oh trust me, the story of the fall of King Sombra and the corruption of the Crystal Kingdom is much stranger than the elder gods dictating me to be a walking knowledge nexus.” Michael said in a half-hearted assuring tone.

“Alright, so what you’re saying is, you know everything, so you can do a lot of crazy things, right? If that’s so, maybe I’d like to see the actual result of genetically splicing the DNA of Abraham Lincoln and Adolf Hitler, like that TV show, Rick and Morty.” David smirked, remembering that episode with a fondness to his heart.

“Well, you might be shocked to know that Abraham Lincoln never truly wished to free the slaves, only to deport them back to Africa, and Adolf Hitler never truly wished to kill the Jews, only keep them out of the way of the war. Then again, I must manually sort information, so I may have gotten that from a different earth.”

“Frankly, you should know that my 10th grade history teacher told me exactly that, and that he loves mint chocolate chip ice cream. Also, he was Asian. Listen, I know stuff that most other people don’t, mostly random stuff from what I like. I’m like a partial hipster, only I’m borderline mainstream. I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

“Yes, and I see your point. Back to your previous question, I would like to be able to do just about anything, but until fifteen minutes ago, I was an NPC, only able to spout my wisdom to players who may or may not have cared to hear it.”

“Ah, okay.” David thought of Michael now as a servant turned free man, who apparently seemed to come from a video game.

“I know what you’re thinking, by the way, and from examining knowledge in your world, I know that my world may very well seem like such a thing to others… I have found the body of Sombra.” Michael’s nearly deadpan tone kept steady, even with the last part of his statement.

“Wait, what? No, he came to me, told me to come here or he’ll kill me and... HE’S THERE.” David almost yelled out the last part.

“It seems that Sombra was able to reach through the void that divides universes to recruit beings that might be able to awaken his physical form, with just a touch of any crystal to him… hum…” Michael cast Crystal Storm, peppering the motionless body with large spikes of bright blue glowing crystals.

“Hey, dude, is that a... truck?” David asked as the sound of a revving engine approached the hole into the cave.

Then a large, dust-covered, faded red truck came crashing down into the opening, the driver’s and passenger’s seats clattering loudly with the knocked-around bodies inside.

Shortly following the truck was a dark body that landed in a pile of powdery snow, followed shortly after by another similarly dark body that seemed to aim itself much more carefully than the first.

“SHIT!” Trevor yelled as the engine stopped running, luckily through the power of bottom-heavy vehicles that GTA was so well known for, his truck turned right-side up again.

“Oh... I am... URP!!!” Nikolai opened the door to the truck, got out, and expelled the contents of his stomach all over the snowy floor, which was to say, a few ounces of stomach acid, some bits of a ration protein bar, and a liter or five of vodka.

“Dude, gross!” David yelled out.

“Regular consumption of antacid tablets will keep your stomach steady, the sickness is because of the gratuitous amounts of ethanol-based fluids you consume. And that’s on top of the dru...” Michael lectured the drunk.

“Stop speaking smart, it is hurting Nikolai’s head.” Nikolai groaned.

“Okay, let me say it simpler terms: vodka bad for Nikolai’s stomach, Nikolai vomit because of too much vodka.”

“Fuck you, I will not stop drinking vodka, you fucking... ohh... shit...” Nikolai noticed the symbol on David’s shirt.

“Hehe...” David chuckled.

“Fuck you too! So, where in Soviet Union do you live in?”

“... In the late 20th century, real late, the USSR fell apart, this is just a fashion statement.” David explained, gesturing to the shirt.

“The USSR dissolved on the 26th of December, 1991. It has been since known as Russia.” Michael explained in much greater detail.

“WHAT!!! Oh, pride of Vladimir, you have broken... Nikolai needs drink.” Nikolai took a drink of the drug laced vodka.

“No, the current leader is known as Vladimir, Vladimir Putin, that is.” Michael informed.

“And he took over the Crimea.” David added.

“Oh, is somewhat better... I can see Juggernog... fuck...”

“What’s wrong with him?” David asked.

“I think he’s given up on life, which is a bad sign.” Lee finally spoke up from his hiding place in a pile of snow.

Stryker finally pushed himself up, panting.

“You... could’ve... waited for me... a bit...”

“Sorry man, I saw that truck and… I thought it was Kenny, man, guess I was just hoping too hard. Then again, this is a bit better though, because now we have a whole little group.” the Georgian explained, looking at the others.

“You could say that.” David said as he looked at the drunk, Michael, some crazy-looking guy, the black guy, and a tired SWAT officer.

“I guess I’m one of the only normal guys here.” David said with a strong hint of unsureness.

“Well man, I can assure you, I’m pretty normal acting, and I look a lot more normal after I’ve had a shower.” Lee assured, putting a hand on the other man’s shoulder.

“Uggg... I can taste the rainbow in... What did you spike my vodka with Trevor, I can hear chocolate on my fingernails, like you can... I don’t like chocolate.”

“I’ve taken so many drugs, that I don’t even know how many drugs I’ve taken, it’s probably some fucking love-child of PCP, LSD, LCD, OCD, DOC, DCU, EQD, I don’t know all of it.” Trevor said, pulling out his AP pistol and looking around for something to shoot.

“Um, Trevor… LCD is a technological system, OCD is a mental disorder, DOC is short for document, DCU means DC universe, EQD is an internet websi-” Michael was silenced by a strip of duct tape that Trevor slapped over his mouth.

The redneck looked at everyone, or at least he’d thought he had...

Until he saw Stryker.

“OH SHIT! IT’S A KERP!” He couldn’t even speak properly as he fired several times.

Stryker dodged, and did a combat roll, punching Trevor hard enough to make the other man drop the weapon, and entered a Kombat pose.

“Dammit, I don’t want to do this right now!” Stryker yelled out, ready to fight the meth addict.

The Kombat Health bars loaded up, Kurtis could see that his was only half-full, due to his exhaustion, while Trevor had a blue coating on his own health bar. The health bar itself looked a lot smaller than a normal one, however.

ROUND 1, FIGHT!

Not caring where the voice came from, Trevor simply threw a grenade at Stryker, cooking it off so it couldn’t be thrown back.

*BOOM*

Stryker was blown forward, being injured in the process. he then proceeded to fire his gun at Trevor twice, hitting him with both shots as he saw him stumble backwards.

Not one to be discouraged, Trevor pulled out his baseball bat and swung hard, not so much damaging Stryker as knocking him back a good distance.

Stryker had charged up his EX meter and stood up. Trevor dashed forward, and Stryker readied himself.

“SPREAD ‘EM!” Stryker shined a light into Trevor’s face, blinding the meth addict. Stryker then proceeded to smash the flashlight over Trevor’s head, cracking his skull, then pulled out his baton, and smacked the redneck along his chin, dislocating the jaw. Stryker then tazed the redneck, causing him to fall backwards.

“BUSTED!” Stryker felt good about that combo, beaming a confident smile.

Looking up at the bar, Stryker’s face fell when he saw that the blue coating was completely gone, but the green health had barely gone down.

“What’s with you?” Stryker muttered out.

“I’m… I’m from Blaine County, BITCH!” Trevor pulled out his rifle and…

He released the fire within.

Stryker gaped in disbelief as Trevor’s health suddenly doubled in size, and had a orange glow over it. His EX bar began to drain, which was one solid piece instead of being split into three sections.

“IT’S PARTY TIME!!!” Trevor then proceeded to: empty his whole AK-74 at Stryker, who could dodge only half of the bullets, which didn’t matter because the damage was doubled, and double of half is obviously a whole.

Needing to stop this powerful assault, Stryker put all of his focus on moving quickly, seeing that Trevor was relatively slow to react.

Getting behind and reaching into the other man’s pockets, the SWAT officer found a pair of SMGs, which he pulled out, cocked, and aimed, he was about to pull the triggers right as Trevor finished turning around.

Michael covered his ears as the cacophony of the gunfire exchanged began to shake the ceiling, threatening to cave it in.

Quickly reinforcing it with a one-block thick layer of ice, he went back to covering his ears.

Nikolai stared at them as something odd happened.

Trevor pulled out a grenade right as Stryker fired his standard issue M9 handgun, causing the grenade to blow up.

Blow up at point-blank range.

The two stood in place, both stumbling and unable to move. They then fell to the floor at the same time.

THAT WAS PATHETIC!

“Umm... so that happened...” David said, trying to clear out the noise in his ears.

Lee nodded and slowly, very gingerly tried to pick both men up, however they slipped out of his hands in a burst of blood and the air went red.

LEE WINS!
FATALITY!

WASTED!

“How the hell did that happen?” Lee asked both everybody and nobody, knowing that the answer was beyond his reach.

Michael knew better, however, and, after he ripped the duct tape off his mouth, explained, “It seems that the rules of this portion of reality were temporarily overwritten, causing a disturbance in which a bout of Mortal Kombat could occur, when they ended in a mutual knockout, the disturbance was not satisfied, but when you interrupted, it found release. In short, they did something that they shouldn’t have been able to, and you put a stop to it, congratulations Lee, you won.” the guide gave a thumbs up to punctuate his sentence.

“And killed two men technically.” David added.

“Wait a second… shit! We have to destroy their brains, or else they’ll come back as walkers.” Lee looked around for something to break the fallen men’s heads.

“Is least of our worries.” Nikolai said.

“Why?” David asked.

“...” Lee couldn’t believe Nikolai’s statement that spat in the face of everything he knew.

-> Rage out? <-

Stay calm?

Turn it around?

Stay silent?

“... Nigga... IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING RIGHT NOW!” Lee flipped out, death was serious, no matter who it happened to, “DO YOU NOT CARE THAT THESE TWO GUYS ARE ABOUT TO RISE UP AGAIN AS MINDLESS BEASTS?”

“No need to worry, gentlemen, they have their own ways.” Sombra finally said, having watched the events unfolding over the past several minutes.

Lee jumped when Sombra spoke, not expecting the dark unicorn’s deep, roiling voice.

David looked at the king, and had a look of anger on his face.

“Ah, King Sombra, well, would you be so kind as to help us out of this cave?” Michael asked politely.

“Child’s play, dear Michael." Sombra effortlessly lifted the truck and the six men out of the cave on a pillar of dark energy.

Looking at the bubble, the dark king sneered, “Your friends are already inside, no doubt working on the chaos that will render the kingdom's defenses useless. Also, those six heroines will arrive soon if not delayed or stopped, you’ve all spent too much time fighting each other.” he looked at where Trevor and Stryker had been laying only moments before.

Michael nodded, turning to Lee, Nikolai, and David, “I guess it’s time for us to get in there.”

“Sure thing, comrade!” Nikolai cheered.

“Yeah man, the sooner we get this over with, sooner I can get cured.” Lee said, getting a strange look from Nikolai.

“Alright, but after this, bring me back home.” David told the king.

Sombra sent the four men, and the truck, just outside of the city’s border.

“So, it’s time to go in?” David asked.

The others nodded, and the four entered the bubble, leaving Sombra behind to do whatever it was he needed or wanted to do.

Immediately, the men were greeted by a clear sky with a bright sun, warm air, and no snow, as if the bubble was a portal to a paradise.

“Yes, hopefully this will be how this place stays… wait… I just remembered.” Michael’s face twisted into a look of worry for his fellows as he turned to face them, “Okay, you might find this weird, but… well… we aren’t exactly dealing with things that you might consider normal.” the guide stepped closer to the city.

“So? Nikolai blew up Earth from moon while zombies tried to steal my vodka, and little girl switched souls with German who tried to suck Nikolai for free drink. Also, there were monkeys. Ugh, monkeys...” Nikolai rambled.

“And I dealt with a zombie apocalypse for four months, then nearly died when I got… almost bitten, and Sombra just sorta gave me my leaping powers afterwards and sent me here in a big crystal casing.” Lee summed up the most agonizing leg of his life in about one sentence.

“Oh yeah, he did same for comrades. Dempsey, I want free, Takeo, who cares. Also, there was fourth one, the girl, what was her name?”

“Seriously, AM I THE ONLY GUY HERE WHO HASN’T DONE SOMETHING WEIRD!?” David yelled out at the explanations of Lee and Nikolai.

“Is upholding the law weird?” Stryker asked, checking his M9’s magazine and taser’s battery.

“Wh... fuck it, you’re alive... somehow.” David threw his head back, giving up on logic.

“As soon as I awoke, I found that I was outside of this city’s hospital for some reason, it wasn't the weirdest thing to happen to me. From there, I tracked the sun’s location and made my way to regroup with you, Trevor ran towards a large spire that looked like the Eiffel Tower.” The officer explained.

“Eiffel Tower? This is not France.” Nikolai told Stryker.

“Well, it was made of crystal and only had three legs, so I’d say that it merely resembled the Eiffel Tower.”

“Ah, like spirals of Moscow Cathedral. I understand copies comrade.”

“Um, Stryker, that spire is the Castle of the Crystal Kingdom, where the Crystal Princess and Prince currently reside.” Michael informed in a worried tone.

“As of when?” David asked.

“As of yesterday, David, and I believe Officer Stryker asked you a question?” Michael thought very highly of questions, and to leave one unanswered was a blasphemy to knowledge.

“Oh yeah... what was the question?”

“Uh, is upholding the law weird?”

“Don’t bother, this isn’t America.” David said.

“But is upholding the law weird though?”

“I would want to think about it, we just came to a new world, so we should just get to the castle, now!” David soon ran off.

“I mean upholding the law back where I came from, dipshit!” Stryker was getting a little pissed off, but ran after David anyways, because he still had a job to do.

“STRYKER! COME ON! David has a name! And feelings! AND TREVOR’S ATTACKING THE ROYALS!” Michael shouted as he ran off after the two, wishing he had Hermes Boots or an Anklet of the Wind.

“Wait for Nikolai, do not make fat man run!” Nikolai yelled out as he chased the three men. Thankfully, the explosion of the Earth somehow gave Nikolai all the perk-a-colas he could handle, one of which happened to be Stamin-up, which increased speed and sprint distance.

Lee frowned, then curled his legs up and did his grasshopper-like leap onto a towering crystal growth, then leapt to another growth, then to a crystal building, quickly making his way through the city.

Sombra had ripped the train tracks asunder past the small checkpoint station, leaving the Mane Six to be guided through a few miles of open snowy wasteland by Shining Armor.

The bubble shield Cadence had put up rippled slightly as the Shining fell through, his spear following shortly after, its blue surface seemingly burnt black.

“Shining! Are you okay?” Twilight cried out in worry, rushing to her brother's side and helping him up.

“Ugh, yeah, yeah… I’m okay, just got knocked around a bit out there.” The knight assured, putting his spear over his back and taking the lead.

The six mares followed, looking forwards to the city.

It was amazing, and many ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ were shared.

Shining looked at the castle, it was immaculate and magnificent, it reached almost two thousand feet into the air, a true wonder of construction, held standing by three massive legs in a triangular support system.

There was a very strange and very very fatal addition, though, that was extremely new, as in ‘it wasn’t there when Shining left’ new.

There were raging fires burning on the surface and in the interior of the castle, Shining could see that some ponies were jumping from the building in an effort to escape the flames.

Little did Shining, Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow, Fluttershy, Pinkie, or Applejack know, the fire was caused by a crazy redneck meth addict human.

And that crazy redneck meth addict human had an omniscient matter-manipulator, an elite SWAT officer, a drunken Russian apocalypse survivor, a black Georgian apocalypse failure-of-a-survivor half-zombie, and a mostly normal & very much the most sane human present, all backing him up.

Oh yeah, and the Crystal King of Darkness was supporting them too.

Unless something very miraculous happened, Sombra would undoubtedly win.

Luckily, however, the Mane 6 were experts in working miracles.

Author's Note

alright, sorry it took, like... almost two weeks to get it, BUT I GOT IT!

enjoy this second chapter, and check out Hexed Lives, which is the other half of this collaboration, hosted by Awesomedude17

Link here

EDIT: fixed some stuff

Deaths, Darknesses, Deviants, Dances, Dimensions, Deals, and Discoveries

Trevor howled and whooped as the crystal ponies burned like coals in a bonfire.

“RUN, BITCHES! RUUUUUUUUUN!” he shouted to them as they fled his maniacal onslaught and attempted to find a way to extinguish themselves.

He stopped waving his gun around for a few seconds to reload.

During those few seconds, he heard something running towards him, and turned around to see what it was.

Lee dropped down in front of the group as they approached the city limits.

“Hey, I’m pretty sure that that,” Lee pointed his thumb to the burning castle, “...Is either Trevor’s doing, or we have some unknown competition.”

“I doubt it matters if it is the former or the latter, if it is the latter, then we can just… gangbang them. Whoever they are, they won’t stand a chance against six sets of attack power. If it is the former, then we should join him. By the way, there is something that I need to inform all of you of.” Michael noted, firing a Necrotic Magic Missile at a nearby building.

The building shook slightly, and the crystal ponies hiding inside fled from their safe haven under the impression that it wasn’t safe anymore.

Stryker’s soldier instincts kicked in, and he aimed his M9, delivering four headshots and two legshots to the five fleeing ponies.

“That was what I wanted to inform you of, the Crystal Kingdom is populated by beings known as the ‘crystal ponies’,

David shook his head, and simply kicked the last of the running ponies down, knocking it unconscious.

“Sure, why not?”

“Hehe, is like eighth wedding, only with more fire.” Nikolai said as he took out his favorite weapon, an H115 Oscillator, a weapon that used to be a relatively normal, if heavy-bolted HK21 MG, which was simply a bulked up G3 assault rifle, but was now a highly ornate, and powerful weapon. He aimed drunkenly and fired from the massive 150-round magazine, missing most shots, but hitting about eleven ponies regardless.

“Eighth?”

“Is really bad wedding Stryker, really bad, like the war. Which is one that Germans have person who had... bad relations with... Stalin... I think? I do not know, I am drunk.”

“I’m sure your drunkenness is a trend, Niko.” Lee chimed, pouncing on a fleeing pony and cracking its throat open.

“Well, I was fighting zombies, do not blame Nikolai. Also, many marriages were... not good to say...”

“I almost got killed by zombies, man, and my one marriage went to shit, and that was right before the apocalypse struck.”

“Oh, we have lot in common, I am liking you already.”

“One thing though, Stalin was in power in the 1940’s, or around that time, and I’m from 2004.” Lee informed.

“2014.” David added onto his profile.

“It was 2004 when I checked.” Lee retorted, not realizing that David meant the year for himself.

“1945, but time travel and waffle guns... *BRAP!!!*” Nikolai said, firing without care.

“Day 923, but I know that Terrarian days are far different from Earth days.” Michael added his own date to the mix.

“I’m pretty sure it was 2013 when I faced demons in Chicago.” Stryker mentioned.

“Great, different timelines.” David said, butting the head of a random pony with the pommel of his sword and slapping another with the flat of the blade.

“I’m sure we can sort this out later, gentlemen.” Michael informed, casting several Golden Flames at the scrambling ponies.

“GAH!” They heard in the distance, and saw Trevor being repeatedly prodded with a large, non-crystal unicorn’s horn.

--

“STOP THAT!” Trevor shouted, Shining’s horn wasn’t sharp enough to pierce his skin, but the constant poking was really annoying.

“Maybe if it was in the ass, then he would enjoy it, maybe.” David snarked at Trevor.

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SHOOT THIS DAMN THING!” The meth-head screamed at the one normal man of the group, punching Shining in his jaw to knock him away for a few seconds.

David gulped a breath of air, and took out his AN-94, and aimed, setting the gun in 2-round burst mode, and fired into the unicorn’s leg.

*CRA-CRACK*

“GRAAH!!!” Shining didn’t so much scream, as he sort of… complained, that big pieces of his hind right leg had been blown off.

He'd dealt with pain before, so this didn't really affect him all that much, plus the nerve endings had been ripped apart, so only a few 'pain' signals reached his brain.

“Oh god...” David moaned silently. He was half-sure that he may have hit the bone, maybe a blood vessel.

“Doesn’t look like a lethal shot, kid, I’ll check.” Lee jumped over to the struggle and tackled Shining Armor.

That was the point. I don’t plan on killing anyone. David thought to himself.

Normally, Shining could have braced himself for impact, but in his shocked stated, he toppled like a house of cards.

Lee examined the wound, and found that the two shots were perfectly aligned to the sides of the bone. 'Luckily for this horse, there aren’t any arteries in equine legs.' he thought

“Kill me if you dare, I’d die as a hero anyway, and you'd live as a villain.” Shining said defiantly through gritted teeth.

“Wait… what? No… no no no nononono, I’m too... I just… I can’t just kill something that talks back.” Lee wasn’t a bandit, he wasn’t a (intentional) murderer, he wasn’t an asshole, he wasn’t even technically one of the walkers.

“Tell that to the others you just slaughtered!” Shining snapped back.

Lee stood up in horror and looked around at the corpses. He realized something that had been obvious since the start of their assault, but he hadn’t picked up on yet.

The crystal ponies were screaming.

Not neighing, not whinnying, not snorting, screaming.

Animals and non-sentient beings don’t scream.

So therefore, they had been attacking sentient creatures.

Creatures capable of thought, creatures capable of speech, creatures capable of reason.

And he and his group were killing them, mindlessly.

“STOP! STOP ATTACKING!” He shouted to his companions.

Trevor merely shook his head and brought out his rifle.

“Fuck that, I wanna fight some more!" The drug-addled hick argued, punctuating his statement with a headshot to a fleeing pony.

“You don’t understand man, these things… they’re… they’re...” Lee had to be careful about what he said here.

Sentient?

Alive?

Not just animals?

-> Stay silent <-

“They’re what, alive? Not anymore.” The rifle-wielding man countered, punctuating his statement with another headshot to another fleeing pony.

“Trevor, they’re sentient!!!” David loudly rebuked, aiming his AN-94 at the methhead.

“What, are you some sort of pussy bitc- oh... oh... you’re just like… you’re just like that fucker who stabbed me in the back, up in North Yankton, all those years ago!!!” Trevor aimed his gun at David, snarling.

“Trevor, if you shoot him, I will be forced to open fire at you on the grounds of the call of duty as part of SWAT.” Stryker aimed his M9 for a perfect headshot.

“Nyet, whether duty calls or not, you American capitalists do not realize just what you’ve all been doing to your country, and I do not want any part of it. Trevor truly knows the faults of your system, and if you kill him, I kill you.” Nikolai aimed his Ray Gun at the SWAT officer.

“What the hell are you talking about, Vodka Drunkinski? I just like to murder things.” The hick said, aiming his rifle at David, “AND I’M NOT GONNA BE STOPPED BY A FEW BULLETS!”

Lee just stood there, breathless. David and Trevor noticed, and David threw one of his revolvers to the man while Trevor tossed over a spare Combat Pistol.

“You’ve got a choice Lee, the side of lawfulness, or the side of lawlessness!” David asked the hard question, the one that he felt would force Lee to pick a side.

“What about me? I’m a player too here!” Michael cried out in complaint, readying several Demon Scythes in case the lit-fuse situation blew up.

“Yes, but you’re a smartass!” Trevor insulted Michael.

“HEY!!!” David aimed at Trevor again.

Lee inhaled, thinking hard, Michael saw this and used his very-limited knowledge-transferal abilities to inform Lee of the repercussions.

He looked at Trevor and Nikolai, the latter of which held out a bottle of vodka, willing to share (a very small amount) to buy some friendship.

He looked at David and Stryker, the latter of which held out a crumpled pack of cigarettes, offering the only one left to buy some friendship.

He looked at Michael, who still had his left hand to his temple and his right hand pointing at Lee, as well as the empty street behind him.

Pick Trevor (Trevor, Nikolai and David will remember this.)

Pick David (Trevor, David, and Stryker will remember this.)

Leave (Everyone will remember this.)

-> Rage out (If you don’t pick another option, you’ll default to this one, and everyone will remember it.) <-

Lee exhaled, he couldn’t pick a side, so he did what humans do best.

Rage out.

“ARE YOU ALL OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING MINDS!?” Lee screamed, making everyone else jump back in surprise, Lee had been a mostly quiet and pleasant (if sometimes snarky) man, so this sudden explosion was unexpected.

"That's offensive to mothers." Trevor called out, immediately getting Lee to turn towards him with his blazing-hot glare of reprimanding.

He breathed in again “SHUT THE HELL UP TREVOR! I CAN’T BELIEVE Y'ALL ARE REALLY ARGUING OVER THIS! THIS IS MADNESS! I CAN’T JUST… I CAN’T JUST!....” he stopped for a second, feeling a wet pain all over his body and crying freely, “I CAN’T SIDE WITH EITHER OF YOU! ON ONE END, I HAVE FREEDOM, BUT I HAVE THE TWO SANE GUYS WITH MORALS HATING ME! ON THE OTHER END, I HAVE A GOOD MORAL STANDING, BUT I HAVE TWO PSYCHOPATHS WITH NO MORALS HATING ME! I CAN’T…*sob* I just can’t be forced to do this, man. I used to have a life, and while it was pretty boring and all, it was a good life compared to what I went through after those zombies showed up." he looked at each of them in turn, his face twisted in an expression of half-depression half-mania, "Ever since then, it’s just been hard time after hard time after stuck between a rock and a hard place after situation after conflict and I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I’M NOT DOING THIS! I SAID IT ONCE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN! THIS IS MADNESS, NOT BLASPHEMY, NOT SPARTA, THIS IS JUST… JUST… it’s just madness!" he watched Michael put a finger to his temple, sending Lee information on each of the other five's backstories, "Michael told me what happened with all of you. If we let go of our humanity, either now, or ever, then we’re no better than the zombies you fought, Nikolai. No better than the earthquake that destroyed your city, David. No better than the demons that invaded your planet, Stryker. No better than the giant, deadly creatures of power that wanted nothing more than to destroy you and all you love, Michael. No better than all of the assholes I had to deal with, the bandits, the liars, the traitors, the son of a bitch who slept with my wife. IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING, IT WILL END IN YOUR MUTUAL DESTRUCTIONS!” Lee half-screamed, half-sobbed.

He huffed and puffed, having been ranting for about five minutes.

He called upon the last bit of his mental energy left, and screamed an incoherent sound of adjudication, beration, castigation, desperation, exasperation, foregone forbearance, and hatred of all this garrulousness, feeling like his arms were ready to fall off from how much he had been flailing and pointing them.

David, Nikolai, Stryker, and Trevor just stood there... speechless.

David was speechless because Lee chose to call out the insanity they were dishing out. He was right, there shouldn’t be all of this fighting. If they’d stuck together from the start, the kingdom would have already been saved by now. It was like the never-going-to-happen perfect scenario in Day Z.

Nikolai was silent because he empathized with the black man, he was too forced into a world of violence and death. He’d lost love and built friendships, only to have those friendships ripped away. He’d lived relatively normally (at least compared to after the apocalypse), and had lost a lot when the zombies came.

Stryker just stood there, realizing that Lee had decided to take a different route from the clear-cut choices. He had the qualities of a leader in him, and it actually was somewhat frightening to think that way about some stranger he just met, especially since this one apparently had superpowers.

Trevor on the other hand was actually thinking, and he thought and thought.

Maybe he has a point. Trevor thought.

Lee screeched in pain as the feeling in his arms boiled over, he looked in horror as each of his fingernails simultaneously shot out to about six inches in length, every one of them looking like some sort of bloody knife made of bone.

Information played through his head.

You’ve chosen the path of the crier, you have proven your moral standing is one high enough to be above the infighting, but in doing so, you have elicited the powers of loneliness.

You gained: the Witch’s Claws, you can stab your foes to kill them in a second, if you so wish.

Staring at his new attachments in self-induced terror, Lee fell to his knees from weakness.

He was losing blood, fast, as it seemed that most of the skin on his arms below his elbows seemed to have peeled off in the presence of this new addition.

His spine went limp and he began to fall forwards “Ooooohhh shit.” He moaned, right before his head hit the ground and he was knocked out cold.

Michael ran to Lee’s side, adjusting his body so that he would be in the most stable condition possible.

“I need a bottle of water and a mushroom, FAST!” He demanded as forcefully as he could.

“Before we do that, did he just grow Wolverine Claws?” David asked.

“Who cares, get the water from that well over there, I’ll get the mushroom, one of the type we need should be in the fields.” Stryker yelled out, running to the outskirts of the city. David looked at the nearby well, ran to it, and threw the bucket down. Nikolai came up to David, and spoke.

“You have good moral standing comrade, but you are reckless.”

“Yeah, I’m the reckless one, while the drunk teams up with some methhead from God-knows-where.”

“Nikolai understands your concerns, here… bottle, no vodka in it anyway, not anymore.” Nikolai handed over an empty vodka bottle, the inside was bone-dry and didn’t even have the smell of alcohol left over.

David took it and looked at it. While it may have been empty, it still had some uses, so he might as well keep it.

“Thanks.” David began to pull up the bucket with difficulty.

“Nyet, is nothing, nothing to me, at least.” Nikolai said as he walked away, letting David hoist the bucket on his own.

When David was done, he untied the knot the best way he could, and hefted the bucket over to Lee, who Michael was still watching over.

“Alright, good, but I need a bottle of water, not just water itself.”

David coughed, and handed the bottle over after filling it up with water from the bucket..

“Right, all we need is that mushroom, and then I can make the health potion.” Michael said, standing the bottle up on the ground a few feet away.

“Where’s Stryker anyway?” David asked, he’d been at the well for a few minutes, so the SWAT officer should have been back by now.

“The edge of town is much further away than that well, he may be a while, assuming nothing decides to catch him.” Michael informed, feeling a slight sense of possible dread.

Stryker looked around, not sure what the mushroom he was looking for actually looked like.

“Great, I have no idea what the mushroom looks like, and I’m a couple miles away from Michael, I guess I’ll have to walk back then,” he said dejectedly.

He turned back towards the kingdom and started walking.

Not ten seconds later, he heard an automobile engine roaring as it came towards him.

“Hey, get in.” Trevor said, almost sounding forgiving, as he pulled up in his truck.

Stryker glared at the man, but got in anyway. Trevor put on Channel X, a Hardcore Punk Radio Station that he adored back in San Andreas.

“So, y’got the mushroom?” Trevor asked.

“No, I... I can't seem to find the one we're looking for.” Stryker felt really stupid, how could he have been able to help stave off an invasion of Earth, but not find one stinkin' mushroom?!

“What if I told you, you just need a mushroom.” The balding man informed, seemingly stating the obvious with his ‘here’s the issue’ hand gesture.

Stryker looked at Trevor, and sighed.

“If it’s one of those 'magic' mushrooms, I doubt it’ll work.”

“No, I mean, were you looking for a specific mushroom? Mikey said we need ‘a mushroom’.” Trevor got out and picked a couple of mushrooms from the ground, then got back in and showed them to the officer, “See, that easy.”

Stryker opened his mouth, but found himself silent.

“That... how could I overlook the obvious?”

“That’s what ya get fer goin’ to college.”

Stryker then realized something, Trevor may have been a violent sociopath, but he was actually more intelligent than most people would give credit for.

“I ken read too, and thanks fer the compliment.”

“What? What did you...”

“Oh, sorry, I’m on my 'special mix', when I take it, I can read thoughts.” Trevor pulled out a baggie of sort sort of crystalline powder.

Stryker just sighed, thinking it was a lot like when he faced Ermac. Best not to think about it really.

“So… want some?”

“I have been sober most all my life, and never high, so I will decline your offer and we can leave it at that.”

“Fine, pussy out, you pussy. Real men smoke meth, so remember that!”

“Unless we come to a test or question of manhood, I doubt your ramblings will be useful.” Stryker knew that he might have been tempting fate, but he couldn’t bring himself to care at this point.

--

The two soon parked near the other four men and got out.

“Got the mushrooms.” Trevor handed the bundle over to Michael.

“Alright, thank you… I… give me those too.” Michael pointed to a baggie of dried up shrooms.

“Uh… alright, didn’t take ya fer a shrooms guy.” Trevor handed over the ‘magic’ mushrooms.

In Michael’s hands, the magic mushrooms glowed with a soft blue light, and he set them down, put the normal mushrooms into the bottle, turning the water red.

“Oh, and before Michael says something, no, he just grew long fingernail claws.” David added on.

“Oh right, that reminds me.” Stryker punched David in the gut. The hardy man had dealt with pain before, and took it with only a little difficulty.

“Alright, if it was something I said or did, I’m sorry.” David said, barely affected by the pain.

Michael added the ‘magic’ mushrooms to the Lesser Healing Potion, turning it into a standard Healing Potion, complete with a slightly adorned bottle and a richer red color.

“Okay, with just a bit of this, we can heal both of them.” Michael said, lifting Lee’s head and pouring a good amount of the rich-red liquid into his mouth.

After swallowing it, the half-zombie’s arms stopped bleeding, leaving him with just some stains that Michael wiped away with Lee’s shirt.

Walking over to Shining Armor, Michael administered the potion to him as well.

“Man, Sombra’s gonna kill us.” Stryker said.

“Sombra? SOMBRA? You mean THE Sombra? King Sombra, Unicorn of Darkness?” Shining asked incredulously, standing up again, surprised to not feel any pain from his leg.

“Um… yes?” Lee said in a phlegmy tone, coughing up a wad of bile and standing up again.

“That asshole just came up to me, threatened me, and after I demanded guns for protection, plopped me in the middle of the Arctic there!” David yelled out.

“He was actually once a good, upstanding leader, but the powers of darkness corrupted him into what he is today. Such is the fate of those who attempt to seek power that would give them time eternal.” Michael informed, recalling the history that he automatically learned.

“Heh, greed kills, suka.” Nikolai took a drink of vodka. “Is why communism is best system.”

“Says the drunk who knows that 1991 happens.” David muttered.

“Fuck you.”

“Guys, no fighting, I don’t think I can handle my toenails changing or something.” Lee said, calming the rising conflict.

“Just relax, relax and...” Stryker's next words were drowned out by a sudden shout.

“Stay where you are!”

The humans turned to see six mares, all of whom were likely not happy with what they just did.

“You will come with us, now!” The purple unicorn yelled out.

“Yeah, you big meanies!” The pink pony said.

Trevor made a move towards them, but David stopped him, not wanting to do anything drastic.

“Oh I'll show you mean-… meth. I'll show you meth.” Trevor tossed over a small, clear baggie of the stuff, watching it land perfectly on top of Pinkie’s curly mane.

Rarity grabbed the baggie with her magic, and looked at it.

“Whatever do you use this for? It looks like bath salts.” The posh mare asked, examining the contents with her sharp eyes.

“No, bath salts are different.” Trevor corrected, using his extensive knowledge of all things drug-related.

“Don’t snort it, or smoke it, it causes aggression.” David said, not wanting to corrupt these ponies.

“Meth, not even once.” Lee joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“Enough talk, come with us, or you will be forcefully apprehended.” Twilight commanded, lighting her horn.

“So, you’re cops, right?“ Trevor asked.

“Hey, Stryker, you’re SWAT, deal with them.” Lee whispered over to the soldier.

“Alright... I... guess...” Stryker whispered back before slowly walking towards the group of mares, seeing the rainbow-maned pegasus make an intimidating movement towards him. Stryker just thought about how stupid that was.

“I’ve faced much bigger and tougher monsters than you, pride parade. I was alone and I lived to tell the tale. They weren’t willing to listen, I suggest you don’t make the same mistake. Just keep calm, and let us explain.”

“I can vouch for him, I have learned everything about his world.” Michael informed, supporting his companion in an act of bravery.

I bet he knows about Kabal. Stryker thought.

“Listen, this is my team now, and I was disciplined to never abandon my team. While you may try to use the law against me, it won’t work, because I'm in cahoots with the law, so listen up,” Stryker turned to the other five humans, pointing to each of them in succession “Lee, David, Michael, Nikolai, Trevor, and I am Stryker, we were sent here by King Sombra to disrupt the city affairs and give him an opportunity to take over.” The officer explained.

“We were tricked though.” David blurted out quickly, eliciting an elbow by Nikolai.

“Da, stupid-looking black-and-red pony didn’t give Nikolai his vodka, or his friend.” Nikolai added.

“He threatened me into doing it, basically.” David said with a hint of shame.

“All of us were forced here, Twilight.” Michael summed up all the explanations.

Trevor and Lee knew better however, but decided to go along with their explanations.

“How did you know my name?” The lavender unicorn queried, narrowing her eyes at the gray-shirted man.

“I know everything, it’s my job, as dictated by the Elder Gods.”

“I can vouch for him there, Elder Gods do that stuff.” Stryker kept a straight face, but turned to Michael and looked at him in confusion “Elder gods?” he whisper-asked.

“So, basically, pretty ponies, we’re gonna go against his wishes now... even though he’s everything that could kill us, in a second. Oh God, we’re screwed...” David fell backwards, still conscious, but nervous.

“I’ve gotten through stuff like this, just remember, qqqqqqqqqqqq E, my dad taught me that, and it’s given me strength in tough situations ever since.” Lee assured, giving David a pat on the shoulder.

“And I thought my advice had some weird pants.” Trevor said.

“I think you mean parts.” Twilight corrected.

“I know what I said!” Trevor yelled out, making the mares back up slightly.

“Applejack darling, are these… things… telling the truth?” Rarity turned to her friend, knowing that the orange farmer was like a walking lie-detector.

“Eeyup, I ken see it, they’re all a bit scared, but it’s the kinda scared that goes with desperate-ness, not fear.” Applejack had her head half-lowered, hiding her neck. A blank stare was plastered across her face as she scrutinized each of the six other-worlders.

“And we would be fearful if we were lying, not desperate, desperation is felt when telling the truth, and is directed towards those to whom you tell the truth to, as a hope that they will accept the truth as true.” Michael philosophized.

“Philosophy!” David yelled out, summing up Michael’s statement in one word.

“You gonna do that a lot, gray shirt guy?” Applejack asked.

“It is a habit of mine, to go on at length about a subject despite having already sufficiently having explained my standpoint on it.” the gray-shirted man explained.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes I will’, sugarcube.” the orange mare concluded.

*BOOM*

“TREVOR!” Lee reprimanded.

“I swear to Jesus and all them others runnin’ things, that one wasn’t me.” Trevor put his hands up in surrender, but really prepared to turn his armament wheel to his rifle, just in case.

*BOOM*

David readied up his sword, not wanting to draw that much attention. “That wasn’t good.”

“I think it was… that.” Twilight worriedly pointed to the surface of the barrier.

It rippled and made loud *BOOM* sounds, something was battering it.

Then a hole tore open, revealing the orange-skied wasteland of ice and snow, with Sombra at it’s forefront

“CRYSSSSSTALS!” The huge cloud hissed, breaking open a hole big enough to enter through, then backing up to charge through.

“OHHHHHHH SHIT, MOTHAFUCKA!!! He’s here!” David yelled out.

“Don’t say that word, it’s insulting to mothers!” Trevor chastised the only normal man of the group.

“We really going into that again, and right now, T?” Lee said, readying himself for an attack.

“And don’t call me T, either. Only my homies call me that!”

“I think we might get along a bit better, but this still isn’t the time, T...revor.” Lee said, curling up for a leap.

“We can focus on sentiments after the enemy is neutralized.” Stryker said, aiming his M9.

“Da, is good, barrier good.” Nikolai didn’t bother preparing anything, and rather did something important; like take a swig of vodka.

Exactly as Nikolai had said, the barrier raised up right before Sombra could charge through it.

“Wow, you were right Nikolai.” David said in shock.

“Da, Nikolai is always right, except when wrong.” Nikolai said, showing a good bit of ventriloquism skill by talking while drinking.

Lee uncurled, looking around and locking eyes with Shining, who hadn’t spoken on the matter yet.

“Alright, I will make sure that you will be provided with materials and supplies for your troubles, as long as you are on our side.” Shining said finally, gesturing for everyone to follow him.

“That would be most excellent, Sir Shining.” Michael accepted politely.

“I didn’t introduce myself.” The white stallion noted, looking at Michael strangely.

“I know everything, it’s my job as dictated by the Elder Gods, I know we went over this already.” The guide informed,

David walked up to Shining, and began to speak.

“Yeah, sorry about your leg, Shining.” David said, scratching the back of his neck.

“I understand that you were just acting out of panic, and I got healed anyways, so I can forgive you.” Shining was what some people or ponies would call a ‘total bro’, and he had experienced panicking people before.

“OH, THANK GOD!”

“By the way, I overheard your comment earlier.”

“Oh, r-really?”

“Yeah, and I should have you know, I have a wife.”

“O-OH!!! So... you’re straight?”

“Oh no, of course not," the knight proclaimed sarcastically, "I have a wife just for show- OF COURSE I'M STRAIGHT.” Shining whiplashed the mood of his statement, exclaiming the second part matter-of-factly.

“Oh, cool story bro.” David replied in a neutral tone.

“Anyways, here we are.” The white stallion gestured to the massive throne room as they entered.

“Woah.” Stryker said, otherwise speechless upon seeing the glimmering and glistening room.

“CADANCE!” Twilight cheered happily, hopping over to the tired princess.

“Twilight!” Cadance greeted, tired, but excited.

♩Sunshine sunshine
Ladybugs awake

Clap your hooves
And do a little shake♩

“What an awfully almost perverted performance.” Michael said flatly upon seeing how close the two mares were to some sort of weird sex position.

“Whatever, it’s not me.” Trevor grumbled.

“I’m not so sure about what I just saw.” Lee cringed, half-tempted to watch, half-tempted to look away.

“I think it was a dance, by Twilight and Cadance... oh... OH!” David chuckled.

Cadance smiled and the two mares hugged.

“It’s so good to see you again!” Twilight cheered, still ecstatic to see her sister-in-law.

“Sister-in-law?” Trevor was still on his ‘special mix’.

“Oh, he can break it too.” David muttered.

“Wait what?” The mix had decided to run out just then.

Don’t worry about it.

Twilight looked back at Trevor.

“Wait, how did you know that?” The lavender unicorn asked, confused.

“Don’t bother... it’s like... crazy stuff from a crazy drug-addict... And by that logic, and judging from the fact that you’re the only non-crystal ponies in this place...” David suddenly shut up, looking towards Shining.

“Eh... yes, that mare over there’s my wife, and the other one’s my sister.” Shining said, pointing to the two.

“So, your sister is some pink princess-looking pony, and you married some lavender wizard-looking pony?” Lee wondered aloud.

“What, NO!!!” Twilight protested, blushing at the suggestion.

“Other way around.” Cadance corrected, waving her hooves in a ‘please stop’ gesture.

“...We… we almost suggested incest.” David facepalmed.

“Eh, not that different from Sandy Shores.” Trevor shrugged.

“We did not know, David comrade, it is good... Had arranged marriage with cousin though... *URP!!!*”

“WHAT?” David and Lee shouted in unison.

“Is part of reason first marriage was shit. Also, I had lights off during entire wedding, is complicated, don’t think about it.”

“I’m going to go with ‘power outage’ and leave it at that, and I’m going to assume that you meant ‘it’s fine, you didn’t mean any harm, because you didn’t know’, and I’m just going to forget all about that bit with the cousin.” Twilight said as she looked at the bottle Nikolai held.

“What cousin?” Nikolai asked through a stream of vodka going from the bottle into his mouth.

“It’s not important, soldier, what is important: the threat is still that, a threat, and- why is her horn glowing?” Stryker noticed Cadance’s horn was lit.

“I’ve been keeping a shield around the kingdom since yesterday, I’m really tired.” Cadance yawned and nearly dozed, off, but a small, quick shake from Shining shook her out of it.

“My God, no wonder you look so weak.” Stryker said.

“It’s unfortunate, I know, but I have to do it because I’m not really much of a military leader, and while Shiny is better at making really powerful shields, barriers, and forcefields, if he’s busy doing that, then that means I’d have to lead the troops.” The not-so-pretty-right-now pink princess explained.

“Or do you?” David stroked his chin as if he had a beard.

“What do you mean?" Cadance asked, yawning.

“Ma’am, I was in the special forces, I can lead these troops if you let me.” Stryker told Cadance.

“I’m good with animals, I guess.” Lee offered, trying to be useful.

“I was supposed to be in the Air Force.” Trevor said, with a hint of anger at was.

“Nikolai was in Red Army, fighting off Nazi invasion.”

“I know everything, and I’m sure that military leadership and tactics falls into that category.”

“And... I have a good K/D ratio on MAG.” David said awkwardly, hoping that gaming would help in being a good fighter.

“Well, I thank you for your willingness to help, but all the military we have might be useless against Sombra’s onslaughts without the Crystal Heart. If we can’t find the Crystal Heart, then we’re doomed.” Cadance lamented, looking at the sun for a moment.

“Um, I don’t understand any of this.” Pinkie raised her hoof like a student asking the teacher for help.

“Cadance, darling, what is the Crystal Heart?” Rarity asked, it sounded both important and fabulous.

“Michael, you’re the smart one, explain.” Stryker said.

“The Crystal Heart is a relic once held by Cadance’s father, King Shaded Sapphire, long ago, maybe a bit less than a thousand years ago, Sombra rose up and took the heart from its place. It is the source of power for the eternal fair-weather of the Crystal Kingdom, as well as keeping the wild beasts of the arctic at bay.” The guide regaled.

“Well, in that case, where should we look for it?” Lee asked.

“Sombra put it in a very high place, it is dangerous to get there, as it reaches up into the…” Michael paused to calculate the height.

Trevor began to think.

“You got a helicopter?”

Michael shook his head, and shut that idea down immediately.

“No Trevor, the tower it is held in reaches up about 37,000 feet, which is about two miles into the Stratosphere, much too high for a unpressurized helicopter to fly up to.”

“Points for trying though.” David said.

“Wait, 37,000 feet?” Trevor needed to make sure he heard that right.

“Yes, give or take a few hundred, that bit of information is still processing.”

“We’ll need a commercial airliner.” The drug-addled man knew that that was the average flying height of such a plane.

“And how do we fly that in a snow-stormed tundra, in a big plane?” David asked.

“And I do not like flying... oh...” Nikolai added, getting a bit nauseous from the thought alone.

“It should be fine, the storm shouldn’t extend that high.” The balding man assured as he pulled out his cellphone.

“We have a small airport in the town, but air-travel is still a relatively new technology.” Cadance said.

“I thought he said that this place has been gone for almost a millennium?” Stryker noticed the continuity error.

“The crystal ponies built it around the time that it came about, the shroud of darkness occasionally flickered and faltered, allowing packets of information to come in.” Cadance remembered all of those times when it did, when she felt hope for her kingdom, only to have that hope crushed immediately after.

“Oh, is there a nightclub then?” David asked, smiling.

“Maybe, there’s a map of the city in the conference room, I’ll show you the way.” Shining gestured for David to follow him and walked down another hallway.

“So, here is plan, we fly to high place, and get heart? Alright, but Nikolai stays on ground, I hate flying.”

“The structure of the top point of the castle’ tower is similar in style to a gazebo, for some reason.” Michael added, internally questioning the logic behind the structure.

“Alright, we parachute down.” Trevor replied. A gazebo would make landing tricky.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” Stryker said.

“Glad to see you noticed.” Trevor replied, quickly following David and Shining down the hall, as he still needed to know the actual location of the airport.

--

“Trevor, coming to find out where the airport is?” David said, sounding a bit more cheery than a minute before.

“Yes, actually, and this would be a good time to have a few words with you.”

“Oh, right, that!” David snarked.

“Listen, alright, I can deal with not killing some stuff for a little while, but I’ll find it hard to forgive you after that move you pulled.”

“Trevor, let’s be honest, we were killing innocent creatures, and you didn’t seem to care.”

“Because I do that all the time,so it’s not a big deal for me. I do anything that gets me more paper.” Trevor said, trying to defend himself despite knowing that David definitely had the higher moral standing.

David glared at Trevor, and sighed.

“But I’m willing to put that off to help you guys, because it would just be fun to fly again.” The balding man added, holding up his hands in surrender.

“Flying? You like that?”

“Hell yeah, it’s amazing, shame the Air Force’s gotta be so strict with their goddamn rules.” Trevor actually growled for a second.

“Oh, psychotics people aren’t allowed, gotcha.”

“I just can't believe that stupid, fat, BITCH!!!” Trevor yelled out, hating that woman who'd grounded him, permanently.

David and Shining took a few steps away from Trevor.

“Oh, sorry, not you David, you’re not a bitch.” Trevor hadn’t said anything about ‘stupid’ or ‘fat’, though.

“Oh, okay...” David didn’t notice the stealthy insult.

“But if you try and fucking cross me, I’ll rip your guts out and knit a sweater from your entrails. I’ve already been betrayed once, and I don’t want anymore betrayals, don’t make me nickname you Judas, fatty.”

“Hey!” David replied. “I’m not fat, I’m husky!”

“Tell that to my buddy Michael, and no, not the one here. Plus, I woulda said ‘large framed’, cuz husky ain’t much better than fat” Trevor laughed an ashy, grating laugh that seemed to grind away at Shining’s eardrums.

“We’re here.” The knight was thankful when he saw the special-carved door of the conference room.

David and Trevor looked at the symbols on the doors, and opened them.

“By the way, what did you think about Lee’s outburst, before he got those claws?”

“I think he at least had a point, and the claws bit, that was weird.” Trevor looked at his own fingernails, which were jagged, filthy, and uncut.

“Personally, I thought Lee had guts for at least opposing a choice. But the guy can’t stay neutral for long. I’m not giving him another gun, that’s for sure.” David said, looking at his one Python remaining.

“Aw cool, never seen one’a those before.” Trevor had only seen pistol models in his time, never a revolver.

“Colt Python, 60’s, .38 special or .357 magnum. Six rounds.” David explained in an abridged matter.

“Oh, I have this Colt, and it does a lot more... stuff.” Trevor pulled out his Heavy Pistol, which looked remarkably like a variation of the Colt M1911.

David nodded, looking at the map.

David felt it odd that he was the one who wanted to find a nightclub, of all things, and goof off, and Trevor wanted to find the airport and actually accomplish something.

After about a minute of scanning the huge map, David found it: The Diamond Bottle, a club not too far from the castle.

Trevor found the airport easily, as it had a rather clear name: Sapphire Skies Airport

To their surprise, the two locations were within walking distance of each other.

“I guess if one've us of has a problem, we can just holler and the other’ll know.” Trevor suggested, walking over to a nearby window.

“Sounds good to me.”

“I can see the ‘port from here, grab my hand.” The meth-head held out his hand as he secured his parachute to his body.

“Alright, try not to suffocate in the stratosphere.” David joked.

“I won’t, and plus, we’re just glidin’ off to our desired locations right now.” Trevor still held out his hand, waiting for David to grab it.

David looked at the hand, and winced, clearly knowing what would happen.

“Gotta learn to be less crazy.” David scolded himself, grabbing the hand with both of his own and holding on tight.

“S'not mah best subject to learn, an' I’m not gonna drop ya, an’ if I do, you have my permission to kick me in the ass when you get out of the hospital.” Trevor jumped out of the window, deploying his parachute after ten feet of falling.

David’s face was frozen, not in fear, but in sheer G-forces compressing his chest. He exhaled and inhaled deeply.

“Scared?”

“Nah, G-forces froze my lungs, it’s uncomfortable.”

“Well these chutes ain’t designed to give ya a soft landing, just a non-lethal one.” Trevor himself wasn’t particularly keen on how fast he went forward when on a chute.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” David hoped that he hadn’t heard that right.

“Hold on, we’re almost there.” Trevor used David’s weight to swing himself up and into a standing position as they landed, tucking and rolling to avoid damage.

David on the other hand was not so lucky, getting a few scrapes and bruises from landing on the not-very-smooth crystal street.

“You alright?”

“Grah... I’ve been through worse.” David said through gritted teeth, trying to get up, successfully.

“You’ll live, come on, I think I can see that bottle place from here, and the airport’s at the end of the road.” Trevor pointed and began running.

David was a bit shocked at how well Trevor could sprint, having taken him for more of a gunner than a runner.

However, after only a few minutes, Trevor was more out of breath than David was.

Luckily for both of them, the distance they’d glided, and then distance they’d ran, had put David right next to The Diamond Bottle and Trevor about a block from Sapphire Skies Airport.

“Alright, let’s get to our... stuff... You alright?” David asked Trevor.

“Yeah, *huff* just… *huff* not really much of a runner *huff* I’m fine.” Trevor had at least recovered to the point of normal breathing by this point.

“Yeah, by the way, what happened in North Yankton?”

Trevor glared at David, and stepped up to be almost chest-to-chest with him.

“None'a your fucking business, that's what.”

David stepped back, coughed from the smell, nodded, and walked towards the nightclub, while Trevor proceeded to look for the plane he had ordered.

Stryker and Michael climbed the bookshelves, Stryker with his acrobatic skills, Michael using crystal platforms he’d made out of the picked up remains of a condemned building.

Twilight and the others were all looking for the same book the two men were, a history book for the Crystal Kingdom.

“So, you just already know the whole story, right?" Stryker asked, whispering because he was in a library.

“Of course, it is my job to know.” Michael whispered back.

“Then why don’t you explain the story to them?” The officer suggested.

“Because even with my vast knowledge, I will not be everywhere at once, so it’s good to have a reference to the actual source, just in case.” Michael replied.

“Ah, I see, a back-up of sorts, right, do we even know what the book is called?”

“History of the Crystal Kingdom, simple.”

“By who?”

“Alexandrite All-collector, a mare whose public and private personalities were quite... distinct from each other.” Michael cringed and pulled another book from the shelf.

“Well we should look in the A section then.” Stryker turned to find said section.

“Why? The book is called ‘History of the Crystal Kingdom’, it is obvious this library is sorted by the Neodigit system.” Michael recalled that being true, at least at some point in the library’s history.

“No, it’s organized by the Dewey Decimal system, author’s name, not book title.” Stryker was a more modern man, and knew how libraries worked.

“Then you check the A section and I’ll check the H section and we’ll see who finds it.” Michael suggested, almost in a challenging way.

“If you wish, I do make mistakes myself on occasion.” Stryker was about to walk over to the A section, but stopped when someone, or rather somepony, shouted.

“I FOUND IT! I FOUND IT!” Pinkie called out, completely ignoring the rules of a library.

“Miss Pie, firstly, this is a library, so be quiet, and secondly, where was it? Stryker and I were having a small debate over that detail.” Michael asked, wishing to know what this changing information truly was.

“It was in the ‘history’ section.” Pinkie revealed, bouncing off towards her friends.

“Of course, why wouldn’t it be?” Michael facepalmed, super-dynamic-information was the only kind of information beyond his gains.

Stryker smirked and chuckled.

“Guess you’re right.” Stryker told Michael.

“This library is sorted according to genre, not by either the Neodigit or Dewey Decimal system. Therefore, we are, in fact, both wrong.” Michael slid his palm down his face and resting it at his side.

“No, about you making mistakes.”

“Actually you were the one who said that, but it’s still true; infinite knowledge does not garner infinite wisdom nor infinite capability to use that knowledge. Even the Elder Gods obey rules, and thus I cannot know things that are so fickle unless I learn them manually.”

“By the way, Elder Gods?”

“Yes, the Elder Gods, there are many, Midway the Fallen, Treyarch, Bethesda, Nintendo, Sega, and Blizzard, to name a few, and there are countless lesser ones who create things on their own. A recently famed one, in the last thousand days, is Mojang. My point is, the one who made me, Redigit, gathered the resources to make me an all-knowing entity, at the cost of personal freedom, freedom that I recently received.”

“Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty you are free at last.” Stryker recited, scratching his chin where a bit of stubble had grown.

“Yes, I know that speech. It is amazing to know that all of your worlds all followed the same line of events up until a certain point, a point that, at longest, AKA Nikolai and David, is almost 70 years apart, and at shortest, you and David, is only 1 year apart.”

“Yeah, that part’s kinda confusing, but I fought… well you know what I fought.” Stryker knew that Michael knew his fighting history.

“Yes, and there is one thing that seems to stand out in your story, one called Kabal.” Michael had noted that that memory seemed noticeably more highlighted than most others.

“Uh, yeah. He was my partner.”

“During the invasion by Shao Khan’s forces after the second Tournament. It was after fighting the Saurian named Reptile...”

“Wait, it’s name really is Reptile?” Stryker asked incredulously. It’s like naming a dog mammal.

“Indeed. Very redundant.”

“Wow.”

“And after fighting Mileena, Kintaro used his fire breath to severely injure Kabal, right?”

“Yeah. How’d he survive?”

“Like it or not, Kabal was not always the law-abiding citizen you fought alongside.”

“What?”

“Kabal was a part of a group called the Black Dragon, a mercenary group that armed the invaders in the first place.”

“What! I don’t believe you.”

“I expected as much, but Kabal was indeed reformed. He was saved by a former companion, Kano.”

“Sonya told me about him, she never liked him apparently.”

“By the way, Sonya Blade and Johnny Cage are alive, as is Raiden.”

“Oh... good.” Stryker gave a breath of relief.

“The others are still slaves to Quan Chi, except Liu Kang.”

“Wait, that Chinese man died?”

“It is better that you do not know the circumstances, morale is important.” Michael’s words were spoken with a grave tone, and Stryker nodded in agreement. He had been in situations where morale was everything they had to keep them going.

“And how’d he do?” The officer asked.

“Kabal?” Michael queried.

“Yeah.”

“He escaped Outworld, and the rest is shared history when he saved Sub-Zero, or rather, what he became.”

Stryker nodded.

“So, any more questions, Officer Stryker?”

“No, I think I got it all.”

“Good, I think the others have already prepared something whilst we chatted about the past.”

“Is that music I’m hearing?”

“Indeed it is, come on, let’s go listen to some tunes.”

“That sentence, the way you said it sounded so forced.”

“I’m still new to this, Stry, cut me some slack here.”

“I understand, it’s like training a new recruit into an elite soldier, it takes time, creativity, and patience.”

“I know, it’s just… I know that something bad is going to happen, I can’t see into the future, but I know that something bad should have happened already, and the longer that fate waits to tip the bucket, the more water will come out.”

“Nice analogy, bud.” Stryker replied, pushing open the front doors of the library.

Stepping out into the bright sunlight, the two were greeted by a cheery festival with lots of music, games, and happy crystal ponies.

“Wow, it’s like they completely forgot about our attack.” Stryker was amazed that the magnitude of the overall change of mood.

“I’m sure that many of them didn’t notice it when it happened. And it seems that the bodies were cleared away before the fair began.” Michael was already on the move, making his way to someplace where one of the six non-crystal mares or one of the four other men were.

Lee and Nikolai, after a castle staff-wide agreement that they both looked like shit and smelled like death, and a combination of a brief moment of sobriety and encouragement from Lee, they both agreed to bathe.

They were now in some sort of foggy locker-room type shower chamber, where luckily the steam was so thick that they couldn’t see each other from across the room. However, they could still hear each other clearly.

“So… do knife-nails hurt comrade’s hands?” Nikolai asked as he protected his chilled vodka from the hot water of the shower head, not wanting to lose the crisp coldness.

“Naw, they hurt when I got them, but now they’re just fine, even if I can barely feel anything from them.” Lee winced when his claws accidentally scraped his scalp as he shampooed his hair.

“Nikolai admits, they look like some crazy zombie shit.”

“Well, I was bitten, it was pretty crazy, I cleaned up, climbed to the top of a hospital, and then Sombra got to me.”

“Comrade was bitten?” Lee couldn’t see it, but Nikolai still had his hand on a gun, and this was not his flesh one.

“Yeah, crazy thing, let me explain it in a bit more detail, I was with this little girl, Clementine, because she was missing, so I went out looking for her. Within a few minutes, I got surprised by this walker hiding under a piece of cardboard and got bitten, right on my left wrist. Several minutes of travel later, I had a chance to cut it off to save myself, but I knew that that would have been useless, because it no-doubt had already travelled further than my arm. I climbed up to the top of the hospital I was in via the elevator shaft, and on the roof, Sombra approached me and gave me this weird power so that the virus didn’t turn me into a full zombie. Afterwards, I saved Clementine, got her to the edge of the city, and then I was sent here.”

“I see, black comrade is infected.” Nikolai may have liked Lee, but not nearly enough to not shoot him for being a zombie.

“Why ya gotta bring race into it, man? I didn’t mention that you're a Russian."

"In all honesty, Nikolai cannot remember where exactly he from. All I know is that I was fighting with three others, Takeo, who is annoying fuck, Richtofen, who sucked up to Nikolai for drink, and Tank Dempsey, one of few American comrades I can trust.

"This Dempsey as good as you say?"

"Hell yes, he is. I admire his abilities, but not his sobriety."

“Well, I guess that’s as good an answer as I can ask for. Thanks for not killing me for being infected.”

“Da, Nikolai is infected too, but strong Russian blood resists zombie virus, so Nikolai not affected.” Technically true. What Nikolai didn't know was that in his case, he was actually a test subject, with Element 115, the very thing that created the zombies in his world as the super serum, along with Takeo and Dempsey.

“Do you always refer to yourself in third person?”

“I don’t always, Lee.”

“Nik.” Lee replied, hoping to start up a little bit of friendly word-based fun.

“Lee.” Nikolai took the bait, but would he hold onto it?

“Niiik.”

“Leeeee.”

“Niiiiik.”

“Leeeeeeeee.”

“Niiiiiiiiiiik.”

“Bruce Leeeeeeeeeeee.” Nikolai didn’t know who that was, but it sounded like a good name to call him.

“Mah Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikka.” Lee said, smiling and laughing.

“Hehe, so is okay for you to say word, but not me?” Nikolai queried between his own scratchy chuckles.

“It’s complicated, and I don’t often say it, if ever. I would say it’s best not to mention it, but you kinda remind me of Kenny. He was a good man, and I can tell that, despite your faults, you’re a good man too.”

“So, is okay if Nikolai say it?”

“Um… yes, but I think the rule is: you have to say it all ghetto-like, or else it’s offensive.”

“Is that with A, or ER?”

“With A, ahhh... I starting to speak like you… comrade.”

“Throw off capitalist chains and join me in free communist Mother Russia speak, comrade.”

“Alright… maybe, comrade.” Lee mused as he stroked his chin with the backs of his claws.

“Think about it, my nigga.” Nikolai suggested as he scrubbed the muck out of his hair.

The two bathed in silence for about a minute, then Lee broke it again.

“So, what about you, got any stories from your zombie apocalypse?”

“Da, is plenty of good stories, so, let me start from beginning.” Nikolai took in a breath and spoke the tale of CoD: Zombies.

-A few hours later-

“Damn, man, that was an intense story that I’d hate to have not heard. So you had a little girl that you protected too?”

“Da, is why we have so much in common. Aside from me being on moon, which is not cheese, we both protect children, even though Nikolai cannot remember her name, we both are minorities...”

“Aren’t we all minorities here?”

“Ponies do not matter right now, you and I are minorities in group, along with Michael. Because David, Stryker, and Trevor are all American dogs, so-

“I’m American too, man.”

“Oh right, Georgia not just home of Stalin, is also American region.”

“Technically, they’re states, but continue.”

“Well you and I are still minorities, and Michael is from Terraria place, don’t know if that is some country or not.”

“It’s not.”

“Then he is alien.”

“Technically we all are.”

“Technically shut up, Nikolai is talking about our group, comrade, Michael is alien in our group.”

“You have a point, and that talk about ‘Elder Gods’ was pretty weird, but I guess weirder things have happened.” The Georgian shuddered as he remembered the St. John Dairy.

“So, we good now?” The Russian asked, hoping to not have hard feelings between him and this friendly man.

“Yeah Nikolai, but I have to say one thing.”

“What?”

“You still smell like piss.”

Nikolai scoffed, but accepted it, sniffing himself.

“Is better though.”

“Oh yeah, definitely.”

“But, I will be serious Lee, earlier, about the decision you made...”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“If you had no other choice, who would you choose, David, or Trevor?”

Lee widened his eyes, and felt his gut clench up, it was a hard question, a very hard one indeed.

Nikolai will remember this. He might also tell someone else, so be wary.

-> I’d’ve chosen David. <-

I’d’ve chosen Trevor.

I’d’ve walked away.

Stay silent (this decision is highly unwise and may make you a pariah)

Lee knew that Trevor was in the wrong, but he had to be careful in how he explained it.

Explain the situation diplomatically

Turn on Trevor and support David fully

Lesser of the two evils

-> Turn Nikolai to your side <-

“I’d’ve chosen David. Now before you go off on a tangent of ‘minorities should stick together’, the argument they were having, it wasn’t over capitalism versus communism, it was about the morality of killing innocent, sentient beings without any further reason than being told to. Look at it like this, imagine being the zombie in the apocalypse, you’d be killing and eating innocent people just because the virus wants you to, can you honestly say that that’s morally right?”

“I see, is not morally right at all, but Trevor is fragile man.”

“He didn’t seem so fragile when he took two SMG magazines to the chest after a bash on the head and a punch across the jaw.”

“Not physically, comrade, emotionally. He cannot handle betrayal, at all, ever.”

“Really? All I could tell that he had a short temper, and was good at flying.”

“Nikolai knows look in eye of one who faced betrayal, he has it in droves.”

“Damn... well, I’m done with my cleaning, so I’m gonna head out now, you take care, and don’t slip.”

“Nikolai does not slip-WHOA!”

*CRASH*

“Nik? I told you so. Are you okay?”

“No, not at all.”

“That didn’t sound like flesh on tile, what fell?” Lee was concerned with what exactly had made that noise, and backed away from the doorway to the locker-room type shower in fear.

“MY VODKA!!!” Nikolai began to sob in almost a girlish tone. “My vodkaaaaaaaaa… *BRAP*”

“It’s okay, it’s okay, we’ll get you some more.” Lee assured.

“YAAAAAAAAAAY!” Nikolai cheered in almost a childish tone.

Lee sighed, and it was clear that Nikolai was a bit of a soft-minded addict himself.

Putting on his (thankfully cleaned) jeans and t-shirt, but leaving his blue overshirt behind because of the warm, fair weather, the Georgian made his way back down to the streets below, stopping for a bit to get some medical attention when he noticed his wrist leaking blood, smiling a bit at the sound of cheerful music and good times.

“*sigh* Just like Mardi Gras, or something.”

“Yep.”

Lee turned to see Stryker walk up to him.

“Stryker, what’s up?”

“Nothing, just enjoying this place.”

“Yeah, it’s nice, and hey, check it out, I don’t look like shit anymore.

“Yep, but you do have a bit of a smell though, not as strong now though.”

“That’s probably just the smell of fresh blood.”

“...Did you kill something on the way?” Stryker's hands immediately went to his taser and gun.

“No, I mean my blood, look.” Lee showed Stryker the stark-white bandage now adorning his left wrist, a noticeably sized blackish-green stain already formed on it.

“How’d that get there?” Stryker asked, worried.

“I got the wound from a walker bite, that’s what infected me and gave me these claws and my jumping powers, and I got the bandages from the medical ward because I don’t want something else getting in me. I was in luck because it’s pretty typical for most government buildings to have at least a small medical ward.”

“If you say so kid, maybe we should try and find David, he might have the right idea considering this situation.” Stryker smirked.

“I’m thirty seven, man, not a kid, but yeah, a bit of fun before the storm sounds nice.”

“Geez, this place just has generic dance pop, I mean, who the hell’s Sapphire Shores?”

“I’m not too sure kid, by the way, hi. The name’s Quartz Cutter, you?”

“David J. Vulakh, human.” David said as he drank his soda, being underaged.

“Nice name, I might make a drink based on the ‘Vulak’, it sounds like a drink, whaddya like?” the cheery white stallion asked, continuing his glass-cleaning.

“Ehh, I dunno, the alcohol I’ve experienced drinking is just spiked lemonade, and cheap champagne, and the latter was terrible.” David replied.

“Well I got this stuff, take a swig.” the bartender pulled down a shimmering bottle of a dark-amber colored liquid.

“Okay...” David took the bottle, poured himself a glass, and took a slow drink.

Despite tasting quite strong, it went down smoothly and left a pleasantly sweet aftertaste.

“Hmm, sweet.” David replied, pleasantly surprised.

“That’s my special brew, aurora nectar and Yak Dannel’s. Y’know, aurora nectar is produced by pearl lilies, which only grow in the waters of the Crystal Kingdom, ‘cuz it's the only place where plants can grow in range of auroras.”

“Oh, exotic...” David found himself trying to suppress his laughter, finding Yak Dannel’s similar to Jack Daniel’s. It was rather amusing to him to find these small coincidences, “It’s good.”

“Nice, so… what’s yer favorite kinda music?” The middle-aged stallion leaned in, wanting to know more for his future drink-making.

David smirked, and turned towards the bartender.

“I like most genres, but I really enjoy EDM.”

“EDM?”

“Electronic Dance Music.”

“Oh, sounds fancy, can ya play me some? Got any of it on hoof?”

“You got bluetooth?”

“Nope, all my teeth are white.” The bartender smiled wide, pointing to his stark-white teeth.

“I meant wireless connections.”

“Nope, that stuff sounds a mite bit impossible.”

David blew air, and looked in his pockets, finding that Sombra gave him a charger, one that could plug into a USB port.

“...USB, I’d like to play for the club here, make it a real party.”

“There’s only a few ponies here anyways.” Quartz looked out at the almost barren dance floor, and a few crystal ponies sitting in the booths lining the walls, some of them had been staying in the club, some of that group had been staying in the same spots they were currently in for the past several weeks.

David nodded and walked onto the stage to the DJ booth, finding it to be fully automated. David flicked a switch that read Manual Mode, and readied to plug in his iPod.

Conveniently, there was a port for it to plug into, and a small screen showed his nigh-infinite playlist.

He grabbed a nearby mic, and began to narrow his choices.

Start off with high energy.

“Alright, this is no party, and I want it to be one, so how about we make it one?”

The Crystal Ponies just looked towards the strange creature, staring at him with confusion.

“Alright, not much response, but let’s start the music, shall we?” He pushed the button to start up the chosen song.

Immediately the music had an effect on the dancers, and they moved in time with the beat, bobbing their heads.

And then the drop came.

Many of the ponies outside noticed that the music inside had changed to something much more energetic and enticing, and came inside to check it out.

David may have been a intermediate DJ at best thanks to lessons, but he knew how songs like these goes, and set up the next song. He then dropped it near the end of the chorus.

Just as the first song died down, the next one picked up the slack and kept the flow going.

Oh crap, I forgot my DJ name... what should I... ah screw it I’ll just steal one.

“I am... DAVID, THE MAU5!!!”

Stryker and Lee overheard David outburst and saw David, who looked to be actually controlling the club.

“This is… certainly new to me.” Lee said, reaching the far right side of the stage in a single leap.

“Yeah, I don’t go to nightclubs often.” Stryker informed, using the acrobatic skills he’d gained from being a kombatant to get to the stage over the course of several seconds.

Already, there seemed to be a crowd gathered in the club.

However, it seemed that David made a mistake, letting the song end.

“I don’t think he’s got it.” Stryker noted.

David knew better, and as soon as the song ended, he brought on another one.

“Well, never heard any of this before.” Stryker asked.

“This is a new genre to me.” Lee noted, walking up to the booth and trying to find out the name of the song.

“Well, it’s seems like... Daft Punk to me.”

“I heard of them, but I never listened to them.”

“Oh, well you’ve missed out on a lot of cool stuff, I think… maybe, HEY DAVID, PLAY ‘GET LUCKY’!” Stryker called out from the side.

“Sure thing!” The brown-haired man called back, readying the track.

David set the song to play near the start of the second verse, but as soon as he dropped it...

*WHAP!* *THUD*

“What the?” Stryker soon found that Lee wasn’t standing next to him anymore, and raised an eyebrow.

His heart started racing when he saw Lee lying unconscious on the floor, a patch of mashed hair denoting that he'd been bashed on the head with a blunt, baseball bat-shaped object.

As a first instinct when a situation suddenly got very out of hand, he pulled up his radio and began shouting his request.

“HQ, THIS IS OFFICER KURTIS STRYKER, WE NEED BACK UP, NOW, MY LOCATION IS THE CRYSTAL KINGDO-*WHAP*” *THUD* Stryker hit the floor with his radio crackling slightly.

“Officer Kurtis Stryker? Shit, we all thought you were KIA, we’ll send a backup agent as soon as possible, but we’re really undermanned here, it might take a little while.” The HQ radio manager replied, right before the radio was crushed under a heavy boot.

David wasn’t aware, but he and the others weren’t the only humans in this world right now. A fully armored man fired at him from the side with an assault rifle, damaging the console, and making the man panic.

“OH FUCK!!!” David soon ran off, as the ponies ran away.

David looped around and found Lee and Stryker, out cold, as he took his other Python from Lee’s downed form, the mysterious man came up to him.

“What the...”

The assassin fired his weapon at David, and beginning to enter a state of panic, David fired both of his Pythons at the would-be killer.

It was too late to notice that the man had heavy-duty ceramic-scale armor on.

“Oh come on!” David ran off, scared out of his mind.

Unfortunately, he would have been able to fight, but had left his bastard sword and rifle back in the conference room.

Or did he have them?

Wait, were they laying out on the street?

Shit! What if some crystal pony found them? he thought, bolting off towards the door.

He ran out into the broad daylight of the crystal street, and soon spotted them in the distance.

David didn’t have time to react, he was tackled by the man.

“Got you now.”

David simply kicked the man off, and ran over, diving and grabbing his rifle, turning and firing a few two-round bursts.

*CRA-CRACK CRA-CRACK CRA-CRACK CRA-CRACK*

The assassin's brittle armor stood no chance against the much more powerful rifle cartridges, and he fell down after receiving heavy body damage.

David, wasting no time, ran up to him. He was alive, but bleeding out.

The man coughed, and writhed.

“Oh God...” David lamented as he took a step away from the dying man.

The would-be assassin took something from his belt and handed it to David.

“Pontice calumnia caelum libertatem.” He took one last sigh, and bled out.

David looked at the item he’d been handed.

A medallion, made of a brown substance that he smelled to identify as chocolate, with a circle of 12 arrows pointing outwards on it.

“The hell...”

He looked back at the man, and found that he was gone, leaving only a slightly torn cloak behind.

“Okay, alternate dimensions hate me, because they sent a DAMN ASSASSIN AFTER ME!!!”

Rarity, who’d been nearby and heard the gunfire, heard the shouting as well.

“David was it? Darling, are you alright? Unless you're hurt, please don’t spout profanities, there could be foals around.”

David sighed, and sat down.

“I need to relax.”

“Oh my Celestia, darling, what happened to that lovely cloak?”

“Some guy tried to kill me, publicly too.”

“And the brute was wearing that?”

“And modern ceramic armor from my world, and it was human, go figure, the multiverse hates me.”

“Oh my… this is quite a rare material too, I can fix it up, however, and maybe you can have it for yourself?”

“What’s it made of anyway?”

“You may or may not know what it is, but it’s called ‘carbon nanofiber weave’, it’s expensive and rare because it’s hard to make.”

“Oh, it’s machine-made back in my home, mostly for military uses.”

“I’d say that a blade strike or any sharp attack would deflected with little effort, at least, that’s how some of the stories about it go.”

David found himself actually thinking about taking it, but then he thought that, since he'd survived without it, one of the others might need it more.

Trevor had no armor, but didn’t seem to need it.

Lee had his weird powers.

Stryker had his SWAT armor.

Michael might know how to make his own armor, what with all his knowledge.

And Nikolai barely needed it... until now... considering...

“Rarity, how about you make it and give it to Nikolai, from us to him.” David suggested.

“Wonderful, I could make him a new jacket, his old one seems so… worn.” The fashionista said, trying to sound nice when referring to the disgusting article of clothing.

The white unicorn took the cloak and trotted off, “Thank you, David.” She said at the last second, turning back one last time.

“Such beautiful eyes.” David muttered to himself absentmindedly.

“Don’t go weird on me, bruh. Oh yeah, I heard that gunfire and came runnin', y'alright?” Trevor said, prodding David in the back with the butt of his Heavy Sniper.

“Oh, Trevor... What’s with the Barrett M82?”

“It’s called a ‘Heavy Sniper’, look at the tag.” Trevor pointed to a barely noticeable tag attached to the rifle, reading ‘Heavy Sniper’.

“Yes, but Barrett M82 is its official military designation. Where’d you get this?”

“At my local Ammu-Nation.”

“You got military-grade hardware at a street-corner store?”

“Hey now, not all of them are on corners, it’s not just some punk store.”

“Really?”

“Some of them are in strip malls, and some are in the middle of highways.”

“I’m surprised that that town didn’t kill itself.”

“Oh trust me, me and Mikey and Frank did plenty of that.”

“Mikey, Frank?”

“Ah yes, Mikey, Michael, the fat guy I mentioned. Movie buff kinda guy, a bit of a wuss for not embracing the crime scene, has a family, did some scores with him... and Franklin, some ghetto-ass gangsta from Strawberry who is all like ‘homie, you whack’ and is in love with the Benjamins.”

“The Benjamins?”

“Benjamin Franklin, hundred dollar bills.”

“AHHH... $100s, the almighty dollar.”

“Yep, lovin’ the mighty American dollar, it’s the one philosophy I follow, that, and meth.”

“Really, alright.” David didn't really care.

“There’s also his homie, Lamar. Let me tell you, he’s kinda crazy, but I like him!”

“I wonder whyyyy?” David responded, his voice laced with enough sarcasm to turn a snake into a tiger.

“Hey, let me tell you something, so far, you’ve only been straight with me besides that one time, and during that time... you decided to pussy out... You’re not a man until you make your first kill.”

“Well then, I guess I’m a man now, because some guy just tried to kill me and I killed him back, and all I got was a case of guilt, and a weird medallion thing he gave me.” David slumped over, exhausted.

“This medallion here?” Trevor picked up the slowly-melting chocolate disk.

“Yeah, I don’t get one thing; why is it choco... You know what, I just give up.”

“Don’t know ‘bout the chocolate, but I know this symbol, I learned it in… chemistry class,” of course, by ‘chemistry class’,” he really meant ‘cultist fighting,’ simply because of those Altruist fucks who tried to kill him. “It’s the symbol for ‘chaos’, pretty sweet, never woulda thought of a medallion for it.” Trevor, deciding not to waste the perfectly good chocolate, prepared to eat it.

However, he had a thought, should he bury the hatchet with a simple, but meaningful gesture, or should he just eat the damn medallion?

If he just ate the damn medallion, he’d be like a backstabber, and that was worse that being a motherfucker.

Breaking it in half, the balding man handed one half to the still-sitting Californian.

“I need to talk to Michael.” David said as he stood up, needing answers.

“Take it, it’s a peace offerin’, I’m not a backstabber.”

“No thanks, you can keep it, I don’t like chocolate anyway.” David replied, walking to the library.

“Well then… shit, I thought that would work.” The hick muttered, chomping up the two halves after sprinkling some cocaine on them.

Nikolai sighed, not sure what to think about this situation. It was a mix of chaos, and more devastatingly, sobriety.

“Ehh... Is a tiring time to Nikolai, Dempsey is stuck in crystal, Dark Pony wants to kill Nikolai now, and I am low on vodka.”

“Well darling, maybe a bit of a wardrobe change might brighten your day.” Rarity said, trotting up to the sitting man and showing him the jacket she’d made from the cloak, already finished with the cutting, stitching, and trimming.

“OH, thank you pretty pony, it looks awesome!” Nikolai took the jacket, and replaced his old jacket with the cloak-made one, finding it to be silky-smooth and much lighter.

“Oh, comfy.”

He stood up as a cold breeze blew by, and noticed that it was also much more insulating than his old one too.

“Is wonderful gift, makes Nikolai want to do Hopak.”

“Glad you enjoy it darling. It was David’s idea to make it for you.”

“Really, I must thank him soon enough. Where is he?”

“I do not know, maybe you can ask Michael, he seems to know everything.”

“Da, is his job, according to ‘Elder Gods’, or whatever, I find him, again, thank you pretty pony.”

“My name is Rarity, Nikolai.”

“And I’m Nikolai, Nikolai Belinski.”

“I knew that already.”

“Don’t be smartass, Rarity.” Nikolai said as he walked away.

Rarity scoffed at Nikolai’s crudeness, but sighed.

“Don’t blow up Rarity, he’s simply... drunk, yes that’s it, drunk, speaking of drunk, I could use a drink.” Secretly, Rarity was actually a pretty terrible alcoholic, due to the stresses of what her daily life gives her to deal with. She looked around and found a mostly empty bottle filled with an alcoholic-smelling drink.

“I suppose this will do.” she said, levitating it closer, wiping off the mouth, and pouring some into her mouth.

“Nikolai thinks someone touching his vodka bottle, but can’t quite tell who.” Luckily for Rarity, she wasn’t physically touching the bottle.

Michael decided to look in the library further, and was joined quickly by Twilight herself.

“So, you’re obviously the most intelligent of your group.”

“And the least powerful, at least David possesses an AN-94, all I have is this shortsword and my wits. I suppose my spells are quite powerful though, when used correctly.”

“Speaking of powerful... what’s an AN-94?”

“It is an automatic, burst, and semi-automatic rifle designed by Gennadiy Nikonov, it is an advanced piece of hardware and fires the 5.45 x 39mm Soviet rifle cartridge at a cyclic rate of fire of 600 round per minute, with a unique mechanism to allow for the first two rounds to fire at three times the regular rate, as well as reduce the recoil from Newton’s third law.”

“Huh?”

“For every force, there is an equal and opposite reaction force.”

“Ah, Newpon's Laws of Motion.”

Michael chuckled at the ponified name, “Yes, indeed. The use of advanced propellant powders, more powerful materials, and more precise machining techniques allows a bullet to do immense damage with only a small mass. Almost every bullet designed in his world travels faster than the speed of sound.”

“Faster than the speed of sound? That’s nearly impossible without magic.”

“Not for bullets. And I know that your friend Rainbow Dash can break the sound barrier by flying.”

“Well yes, the Sonic Rainboom, but pegasi can fly at such great speeds because of how their bodies react to the Arcanosphere.”

“Ah yes, the Arcanosphere. Well in his world, and all of the others' worlds- except mine -as well, not only is there not an Arcanosphere, there are also jets that can go several times the speed of sound too.”

“That’s… what’s a jet?”

“A jet is similar to a plane mixed with a rocket, it utilizes rocket thrusters on aircraft.”

“Oh, I see, aircraft is still a new technology in Equestria, it was made only a century ago.”

“In a century on Earth, they went from not being able to fly at all, to flying into space.”

“Space? My goodness...”

“Nikolai’s world was the fastest to even go to the moon, albeit by use of teleporters powered by an alien substance, and by complete accident. What worries me is that in his world, this man, Edward Richtofen, now controls his version of the zombies.”

“Zombies are just myths, like spirits and ghosts.”

“In your world, yes, but in Lee’s and Nikolai’s world, they are very real, and very dangerous. Although, their origins are quite different.”

“Oh right, the alternative universes, how’d they come about then?”

“For Lee, it is safe to assume that it is bacterial in origin, seeing as when you die in that world, you become one, regardless if you were bitten or not, and in Nikolai’s world, it is caused by a radioactive element known as element 115.”

“Element 115? You mean Ununpentium?”

“In Nikolai’s world, it is also called Divinium, but it is, indeed, radioactive. I just received another packet of information, which means that that Lee is nearby, his zombies came from a mutation of a bacteria that combined with a type of cancer, and thus it maintains life in the form of the curse of being undead, a cruel and twisted form of immortality.”

“Dear Celestia, that’s horrible. How did any of you manage to stay... relatively sane?” Twilight recalled Trevor's erratic and violent behavior.

“I had a player keeping me safe, now I’m my own player. That, and I can respawn within a day’s time.” Michael pulled out his voodoo doll, “And this helps if I’m ever immolated.”

“Why do you have a plushie of yourself? I know some ponies like plushies, and I’m not judging you personally, but carrying around a plushie of yourself seems… kinda weird.”

“If I am ever burned to death, then this doll will summon a terrible beast from the depths, and it will devour my attackers.”

“That’s… I thought you were normal, Michael.”

“If you wanted normal, you should have looked for David.”

“Speak of the devil and he’ll come a’runnin’, hey you two.” David greeted in mock version of Trevor’s accent as he crossed paths with the two.

“David... I have just received information regarding something happening at The Diamond Bottle, care to...”

“Alternate dimensional assassin, tried to kill me, recited some Latin-sounding phrase, and l got a chocolate medallion with twelve arrows pointing outwards.”

“The symbol of chaos.”

“Chaos? Like with Discord?” Twilight queried.

“Hmm... do you have it?”

“It’s in Trevor’s stomach now.”

“Oh yes, chocolate, right. Well, I can analyze the origins of the assassin if I were to have some sort of material or clothing from it, maybe some blood or hair?”

“I asked Rarity to make the guy’s carbon fiber weave cloak into a jacket and give it to Nikolai.”

“Carbon fiber weave? Isn’t that really rare and hard to make?”

“Not in David’s world. Many materials in his world are no longer rare due to more advanced and precise techniques and machines used to make them. Some basic components, like gold, however, are not so easily found, or replicated.”

“Gold? Gold is one of the top five most common elements in Equestria, but then again, the alternative universes… hmmmm.” Twilight hummed with thought.

“Indeed.” Michael agreed, knowing what Twilight wanted to say.

“So, we find Nikolai, if we don’t find Rarity first.” David explained.

“Yes, but something tells me that the threat of Sombra has not rested in the time we have been distracted from it.”

“What makes you say that?” David’s statement was immediately followed by a loud...

*BOOM*

The library shook from the force of the shockwave.

*BOOM*

“That was not Trevor, nor a bomb.” Michael nerd-poled his way up to the nearest skylight, looking out at the barrier.

It shook and shivered, showing signs of strain, both from being attacked and losing its own strength.

“Cadance is faltering, and Sombra will soon enter, we must make haste and secure the crystal heart.” Michael warned, jumping down from the fifty-foot drop without any damage.

“Alright, Twilight, you go get to the airport and find Trevor, and find someone else to join you, like Lee, and the rest of us will stay on the ground and make sure we’re all safe.” Michael instructed.

“Okay, and David, you should help keep the shield up, it’s the single, thin, baby-blue line between safety and destruction.” Twilight told David.

“How?”

“Ice water? I don’t know.” Twilight said as she galloped out of the library.

“Ah, screw it, I’ll go out to the face of destruction and fire my gun at anything that tries to hurt me.” David took out his rifle and checked it, setting it to full auto.

The magazine didn’t seem to have any bullets in it, only a solid surface of brass color covering the top.

“What the hell?” He pulled the trigger to test it.

*BA-BANG BANG BANG* it still fired just fine.

Too fine, as the crystal walls reverberated the sound back to each of their ears.

“Okay, in retrospect, not a good idea!”

“Yes, not a good idea, my ears are ringing!” Twilight complained, she was just about to leave when that noise rang out throughout the library.

“And you could’ve hurt someone.” Michael chastised the Californian.

“Sorry! To be frank, I should’ve known better myself. So, see you.” David was about to leave, but was stopped by Michael.

“Let me see that magazine.” Michael took the magazine out of the rifle, looked at the brass surface for two seconds, then put it back in “You are in luck, it seems that the Elder Gods have blessed you with an Unlimaged.”

“Unlimaged?”

“The proper term is actually ‘Unlimited Mag’, but ‘Unlimaged’ is the shorter, more widely-used colloquial term. A rare artifact usually only held by Admins, Moderators, and Hackers, it has an infinite number of bullets inside.”

“Then why do I have my colts?” David asked as he took out his guns.

“Back-up, like Stryker called for back at the club, and they’re smaller, easier to carry, and can be wielded in confined spaces.”

“Good job for explaining, but I got limited ammo still, and in six rounds each package.”

“Then you should have asked for something a bit more tactical.”

“I’ve got to go, I can’t hear you over the sound of FUCK OFF!” David shouted back as he ran towards the edge of the town.

“He seems angry.”

“Yes, he was almost killed and forced to be here. I hope he can adapt quickly, and find a way back to his home soon, I can tell that his family is worried for him.”

“I’d be worried too if I lost somepony close to me for seemingly no rhyme or reason.”

“Don’t we all? For some strange reason though, he seems quite fond of Rarity.”

“Well, she has that effect on some males.”

“Not that way, let us not delay further, the end is nigh and we must be ready.”

“Alright, let’s go find Trevor, and quickly.”

“And let us hope that no other opposition faces us.” Poor Michael.

He just had to tempt fate.

And fate is a short-tempered bitch.

Nikolai had been wandering about the area, seemingly aimlessly.

He had soon found himself entering a cave.

“Ugh, is dark, smelly, and not pleasant, like graveyard.” Nikolai muttered to himself, soon finding a bluish glow within. He cautiously came to the cave, and looked in shock at what was at this location.

“Boize Moi, I need to tell the others!” Nikolai said to himself as he ran out of the cave.

Author's Note

during the writing of this chapter, I realized how much similarity there is between Sombra and a bad OC.

so, with Lee's first choice, I thought hard about what would happen with each choice. You all saw what Rage Out did.

Unlimaged, pronouncing Un-li-ma-ged, not Un-li-mage-d, not Un-li-mag-ed

so, what do you all think? Sorry for not working a whole lot on my own stuff, but I have so much to do IRL, it's crazy

And what is this elaborate sub-story with crazy trans-dimensional beings and things with assassins and technology and blue glows WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

Does this have anything to do with Hexed Lives? More than you might think

Kings and Kills, Deaths and Deceptions, New Friends and Old Enemies

David, after several minutes of alternating between running and walking, was finally at the border between life and death.

I.E., he reached the face of the barrier.

Setting his AN-94 to full-auto, he began firing randomly into the unmissable expanse of black smoke, but then realized...

“Alright... it’s cold, and I forgot a jacket. I’ll stay here for a few minutes, get back in, then go out. Rinse, repeat, and... What the...” David squinted into the snowy distance.

A tall, thin, masculine figure approached, seemingly unfazed by the raging winds and violently fast snow.

‘Either a windigo, or a demon. Please be a demon.’

The figure got closer, but as it exited the veil of Sombra’s dark cloud, it was revealed to actually be a raven, fluttering towards him slowly and shakily.

“Oh, a bird... Wait what?” David just watched a freaking Slenderman copycat turn into a raven.

It perched itself on his shoulder like a pirate’s parrot.

“Oh... okay... I’ll... take you to... Fluttershy? I think that was her name.” David said, rubbing the underside of the raven’s head with his index finger, going back inside the barrier.

The raven tried to chirp, but it sounded more like a *caw* than a *chirp*, and a small puff of smoke left its beak.

“Smoke? I don’t know where you were little one, but I’m sure that this cold place isn’t good for you.” David said.

It cawed and nodded its head ‘yes’.

“...Okay... you understood me...”

‘Yes’ it nodded.

David sighed, and shook his head.

‘I officially lost my damn mind.’

A bit of snow smacked into his iPod, causing it to start playing a fitting song.

At least, for a guy like David.

The raven listened for a moment, seemingly enthralled by this new genre of music. When the drop came, however, the bird immediately jumped up and clawed at David’s face. It was obvious that it didn’t like it, and David turned off the song.

“Geez, everyone’s a critic.” David said, mildly annoyed.

Walking back to the nearest part of the festival, only to find Fluttershy conveniently already there, manning a little petting zoo.

“Hm? Oh, uh… mister… David, right?” she greeted unsurely, her voice a bit quieter than normal, even for her.

“Yeah. Got this bird, you should look at it, it’s been in the snowstorm, and it’s not looking too good.” David let the raven hop onto his finger, then lowered it down to Fluttershy, who took it on her foreleg.

“Oh wow, a raven, these are so rare.” Fluttershy got excited and spoke a little louder

“Yeah... take care of it.” David said, walking back to the border.

“Oh, you poor little birdie, are you hungry?”

It cawed and nodded ‘yes’.

Fluttershy took some birdseed she had, and gave it to the bird “What is your name, little one?”

*caw caw caw*

“Maxwell? Well that’s a lovely little name for a lovely little guy like you.” Fluttershy giggled and nuzzled the bird.

It gently batted at her hoof with a wing, pointing to the barrier, then to the castle, making a gesture like a warrior.

“Um, you want me to take you to see Shining Armor?” Fluttershy was good at charades, so much so that she could understand poorly-made charades

*caw caw caw caw, caw caw, caw, caw caw caw*

“Oh, you want me to give you a nice little scarf, so you can go get a book you left out in the snow, and then take you to see Shining Armor at the castle.”

‘Yes’ it nodded.

Fluttershy nodded ‘yes’ back, and steeled herself to go towards the barrier.

Maxwell smiled as best he could with a beak, things were going according to plan.

“So how long have you been travelling?”

*caw caw caw*

“Oh goodness, a thousand years? You must be one of those immortal coal phoenixes then.”

*caw ca-...cough cough, caw caw caw*

“Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I’m one of the only ten ponies to ever see a coal phoenix, this is so, exciting! And I must say, your feathers, they look… oh what’s the word?”

*caw caw*

“I’m going to trust you on that one Maxwell, your feathers are, uh, dapper, as you put it, *teehee*.” Fluttershy giggled in delight.

Nikolai nearly ran straight into Trevor, who was playing the knock-over-the-bottles game with a shotgun while he waited for his plane to arrive.

“Trevor comrade, is very important, NOW!” Nikolai practically dragged the druggie away, leading him to the sight he’d found.

Several minutes later, on the outskirts of the town, Nikolai led the balding man down through the cave he’d been in.

Trevor was about to push Nikolai off of him, when he saw a strange blue glow.

Nikolai recognized the writing on the side of the wall, it was Russian for ‘Red Power, Base 99.’

He knew immediately from the Russian words and the phrase ‘Red Power’ meant that whoever was in here, they were Russian, and therefore they were friends.

The blue glow came from a white lamp that aquamarine crystals had grown over.

Insert passcode to enter the screen read, and Nikolai looked at the inside of his jacket, where there was a small piece of paper with words written on it.

“Assassin man not good hider, or smart, left information paper for Nikolai to find.”

Strike the hammer to the anvil, strike the sickle to the celery. Forever stars, anything and everything is ours.

…… Processing...……….

Passcode accepted.

The door slid open on its own, and they walked through

However, as soon as both men had entered, the door closed behind them.

“Sheeit son, we’re probably fucked.” Trevor pulled out a rifle and looked around.

“Lights no work, this place is abandoned, maybe for long time.” Nikolai noted how dark it was.

“Or we can just hit the switch.” Trevor reached over to the sterile-white lightswitch and flicked it on.

*CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICk, CLIck, CLick, Click, click, click, click* all of the lights progressively switched on, illuminating the large facility.

"Nikolai is drunk, did not notice that, shut up." Nikolai said indignantly.

"I didn't say anything." Trevor replied with a shit-eating grin.

Nikolai went one way and gestured for Trevor to go the other way.

The two men split up and searched for clues as to what this place actually was supposed to be.

Walking to one end led Nikolai to an administrative office that was burnt about as black as Sombra’s cloud, an infirmary that luckily had a few bottles of whiskey in one of the supply crates, and a cafeteria with a blown-up kitchen and hacked-apart tables.

The other end led Trevor to a large, multi-level staff’s quarters, each floor was stripped bare except for some broken frames of bunk-beds, and a few leftover duffel bags, one of which had a SW29 .44 magnum revolver, one of the most powerful handguns Trevor had ever seen, as well as hundreds of bullets for it.

Of course, he saw the gun as ‘Heavy Revolver’.

Finding nothing else, the two met in the middle, and saw another door on the back wall.

Experiments Lab

The door looked very damaged, and in a bad way, as it was stuck shut.

A screen on the side read Puzzle, puzzle, please insert...

10 parts carbon
15 parts hydrogen
1 part nitrogen

...to complete the door opening process… HINT: the best way is the manly way.

Trevor smirked, “Now I’d say that I probly know this, but let’s get Stryker in on this.”

“Alright comrade, Nikolai will wait here.” The black-clad man cleaned off a nearby chair and sat down, taking a drink of his vodka.

Trevor ran out of the strange, heavily trashed facility, and towards the nearest of his posse.

Fluttershy landed on the balcony of the throne room, the coal phoenix nestled into her mane, the Umbra Codex (she couldn’t read the title, but Maxwell assured her the book was fine) tucked into her tail.

Shining Armor was standing near another balcony, so all she had to do was walk over to him.

“Um, Shining Armor?” she greeted hesitantly.

From Twilight’s stories, she knew that the white stallion wouldn’t do wrong to her, but she was just so shy and quiet!

“Hm? Oh... uh... Fluttershy, right? Do you need something.” Shining was just boredly looking at the city, so he was thankful to have something better to do.

“Well, I uh, I found this bird, well really David found him and I identified him, he’s a coal phoenix, and he said that some of his magical power got stuck in a spear you have when he was travelling here, it was a big mishap.”

“Oh, well I know how crazy some situations can be, and I’d love to help, but my spear is missing, and in it’s place, I got this.” Shining pulled out a note.

I O U

1 speer

- Dohvakeen

“It… I mean no offense, but it looks like it’s been written by a foal, and that name… that’s the name of the legendary mortal who was born with a dragon’s soul.”

“That’s… well, I feel half-insulted by this new development, my spear was taken by a child with the power of a dragon, despite my guards having not seen anything.”

-What really happened-

One of the guards, Ruby Smash, was walking down the hall with his partner, Topaz Crush.

“So, whaddya think 'bout all this Sombra bidness?” Ruby asked.

“I think it’s terrible, and don’t say his name, or he’ll know where you are.” Topaz warned.

“That’s just myth, and plus, he already knows that we’re in the Crystal Kingdom, and that’s all he really ne-” *POSH*

“Wha- Ruby? Ruby are you alri-” *POSH*

Dovahkiin ran past the guards, surprised at how many things he could stun with only a few snowballs, but he made sure to hit them some more to keep them stunned.

-Back to the present-

Shining sighed, “So yeah, sorry, but I can’t help you.”

“Oh, well... that’s okay, come on Maxwell, maybe we can find the meanie who took it.”

*caw*

Maxwell flew off from the motherly yellow pegasus, wishing to find his own way to restore his Umbra power.

Stryker was running towards the airport, barely breaking a sweat at the moment.

This his was his mission: he needed to get the Crystal Heart

The plan was laid out as such:

He would be parachuting out of the plane, with Trevor flying and Michael navigating (since he was the best at trajectory tracking.)

He had to be quick, and grab the Crystal Heart as he passed by, then glide back down to the ground.

Michael slowly passed by him, his running pace kicking up little white clouds of dust, “Officer Stryker, I have constructed the Hermes Boots from some slightly charred pieces of green cloth and golden rope that was literally laying on the ground, these are excellent for travelling, and I hope to make even more.”

“Nice work man, now c’mon, we’re almost at the airport.”

“Kurtis, there is someone in the distance, and it is not a pony, it appears to be humanoid in shape and immature in development, information coming in now.”

Stryker looked ahead and found a small child standing in the middle of the street, looking at a crystal spear, then ahead towards Stryker.

Michael practically somersaulted twelve feet into the air, easily going over the child and continuing running.

Stryker stopped in front of this new human.

Dovahkiin held up a piece of paper that he’d written Offiser Striker on the back of, and handed it to the grown man.

Stryker looked at the paper, it was an assignment report.

"From the desk of the Head of SWAT HQ of Chicago,

Provide backup for Officer Kurtis Stryker, proceed with caution.

Signed,

Commissioner Gordon Manfree.”

That was literally all it said, it wasn’t even formatted into an official letter framing or whatever.

He looked down at the small child.

“Well I’m Officer Stryker, say…” he had a strange urge to do something.

Dovahkiin knew what this was, and handed him a phone he’d taken from one of the few officers at the station, then showed Kurtis his Facebook page on his own phone.

Kurtis, without even questioning it, logged into Facebook and added the kid as a friend, seeing that he had over a hundred friends after only seven days of even having a Facebook page, including a few strange names like Mongolian Warriors, Alien Commander, John-117, and Deadpool.

The blonde 10-year-old put his phone back in his pocket and pulled out the Crystal Spear again.

Crystal Spear
0301-0302 damage (x2)

(Crystal Shard Structure) induces Bleeding x5 on a perfect attack
(Sweeping Strikes) hits a whole row of enemies on a perfect attack.
(Direct Hit!) attacks ignore enemy armor.
(Dark Magic) the power of burps, or was it diarrhea? Perfect attacks deal x5 max damage and induce fire, slow, and gross-out.

Mods (3/3): Mafia ‘Coffin Nail’ (add five times your money to attack damage)
Piece of a Hell’s Angels jacket (attack and defense up with melee attacks)
King’s Crown (multiply damage by your social rank)

“This… what?” Stryker didn’t understand most of what he’d just seen from this weapon.

Dovahkiin nodded, put away the spear in his Bag of Holding, and pulled out a ranged weapon.

Blacker Glacker 1143
1143 damage (x1)

(Deathguard on Duty) when near water, x2 damage, when specifically near pools, x5 damage.
(Armor Piercing Rounds) attacks hit enemies and all enemies behind those enemies, and ignore up to 300 armor
(Custom Job) overall better than the production model, add (caliber number times 10) damage for every shot
(Stupid Thanos) 1 rebirth when entering a fight, heal 500 HP for every Perfect Attack
(Crazy Damages) add 500 - (your sanity level) to every attack

Mods (1/1): Absolutely Regenerative Action Hero License (attack again if you kill an enemy)

“How did a child get ahold of this sort of weaponry?” Stryker asked, handing back the modified pistol, feeling a tad bit jealous.

Was he really jealous that he, an elite soldier, only had a little standard issue M9, while this kid, no-doubt an innocent bystander mistaken for a competent kombatant, had a much manlier and more powerful M1911?

A little bit, it just didn’t seem all that fair.

‘Still, help’s help.’ he thought.

“Alright kid, guess you’ve got a job to do. Follow me!” Stryker ordered the kid.

Dovahkiin nodded, and ran alongside the more experienced officer.

Once the two of them reached the small airport, then reached the hangar, they saw the small airliner, but no Trevor.

“Where is Trevor? Time is of the utmost essence!” Michael insisted, looking .

“I don’t know, maybe he got bored?” Stryker offered.

Dovahkiin then saw something in the distance, and nudged Stryker to get him to notice it.

It was a vehicle.

“Must be Trevor.” The officer guessed.

“No, it’s not. The shape’s all wrong, and the trailer wasn’t there before.” Michael corrected.

The vehicle then revealed itself to be a white Volkwagon Golf MK2, hauling a falling-apart trailer. It slowly stopped in front of the three, and then a man stepped out.

He was a red-headed man with a goatee, wearing black boots, jeans, a dark-blue colored alien shirt, a black, ankle-length trench coat, and sunglasses. He had bandages around his head too, which denoted that he probably had a fresh head injury. He looked at the three, and pulled out a map.

“Where’s the way to Las Fucking Vegas? I don’t remember snow happening in hot-as-balls Arizona.” The man spoke in creepily toned voice.

“Err... I don’t know... we’re not exactly in America anymore.” Stryker said, shrugging.

“What, are we in fucking Canada now?”

“Mr... The Dude, please calm down.” Michael told The Postal Dude as he auto-learned his name.

“Who are you? How do you know my name? Are...”

“I am Michael the Guide, I know everything about the universes of people who I see or am simply near to, as is my job as dictated by the Elder Gods. Also, no, we are in no way, shape, or form, affiliated with Al Qaeda.” Michael assured The Dude.

“Hmm... seems legit. All I remember was some smoky clouds taking me and my stuff here... I guess I’m just that amazing.”

“So wait... you’re here because... of Sombra?” Stryker asked cautiously, ready to enter kombat.

Dovahkiin readied his spear, just in case The Dude did anything violent.

Adults usually did.

“I guess. If that’s the case, I have a new chore.”

The Postal Dude took out and read his chore list.

Defend Vince's home from Mad Cow Tourettes Zombies

Gather elephant feet

Go to Al Qaeda base to get fireworks

Escape military base

Take an explosive

Set up fireworks

Rescue Champ from pound

Find my car

Defeat Mike J, Kosher Mad Cow Zombie, God of Hellfire

Did not bow down and worship Mike J’s Asscock

Cure my self-inflicted headshot wound hallucinations

Escape Paradise before fireworks show

Figure out what game developer lost his goddamn mind (It was Vince.)

Fuck up Sombra

“There we go. I better get to it, Vegas waits for no man... Or... I guess it does. Whatever, it's better than Paradise. At least no one’s after my ass anymore.” The Dude said as he finished his list.

“Paradise?” Stryker was confused, how was Vegas better than paradise?

“Shitty city place I used to live in.” The Dude answered with a deadpan tone.

“Now nuked to oblivion. The government officially blamed the explosion on Al Qaeda, which to be honest, wasn’t that far of a stretch at the time.” Michael shrugged.

“Wait, Al Qaeda was in this place called Paradise, and no one noticed?” Stryker just looked at The Dude.

“The police there was corrupt as hell, of course no one noticed.” The Dude explained, leaning on his car.

Dovahkiin pinched the bridge of his nose, realizing that the adults, once again, had done something mind-numbingly stupid

And yet again, it was so mind-numbingly stupid that it had killed thousands.

The Dude then added the kid on Facebook, as did Michael, who had somehow come into possession of a cell phone for some reason.

"Adding this kid on Facebook, never expected that." The Dude mused.

*BRRMMM... BRMMMMM-RMMM* the ridiculously loud sound of Trevor’s truck’s engine came into hearing distance, then stopped close to the hangar.

“Alright, everyone here? Yo ya SWAT fucker, ‘mere.” Trevor gestured for Stryker to follow him.

“WHOA! Duuuuuuuude, you’re that guy, the drugs guy.” The Postal Dude said, amazed and probably out of his mind at the moment.

“Walter White? No, Trevor Phillips.” Trevor corrected.

“Yeah, Trevor Phillips, the guy who flew that plane with the other two guys, and you were all like NYEEAAAAAOOOOOM and they were all like PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW and then you took a toke on your meth machine, it was funny and awesome.” The Dude explained, making wild hand gestures and sound effects.

“Oh man... it was the best St. Patrick’s Day ever.” Trevor smiled at that fond memory.

“I don’t want to know.” Stryker said.

*PRBBBBBT* Dovahkiin grabbed everyone’s attention with a Dragonshout fart.

He pointed at Stryker, then the truck, then Michael, then to the plane, then to himself, then pointed his pistol at his own head, then aimed it at The Dude.

“We are driving you crazy, and Stryker, Trevor, and I should get to the part where we’re flying to the Crystal Heart, and the Dude can stay here with you?” Michael interpreted.

Dovahkiin nodded ‘yes’, but then realized his mistake and flailed his arms back in forth in a 'wait, scratch that please!' gesture, then pointed at The Dude, then at them.

“Sounds like a plan. Come on Champ, get out.” The Dude ignored Dovahkiin’s desperate attempt to fix his mistake.

A pitbull Terrier hopped out of the car and barked.

Dovahkiin looked at the dog, the dog looked at him.

“Alright, you two play nice, or whatever.” Trevor said as he got into the plane via the pilot’s access door, with Stryker and Michael walking down to the passengers’ access door.

“Typical ‘play nice’ warning, fucking casuals.” the Dude said under his breath.

The little SWAT officer looked at the psychopath, readying his spear in case of danger, and looking out at the barrier.

“Alright, let’s go... the sooner we finish this, the better.” Michael said as he opened the door into the plane.

The plane began to make some noise, a sign that it was ready to take off, and Dovahkiin and The Dude decided to simply clear the runway.

Two crystal ponies were too far from the festival to get cheered up, and thus were still locked in the same zombie-like state as the rest of the crystal ponies had been.

They simply looked at the two, almost lifeless with their lazy, glassy-eyed, unblinking stares.

Dovahkiin motioned for the Dude to help them.

“Listen, I don’t know who let stupid horses in the way of planes, and I’ve got no reason to help.” The Dude didn't sometimes speak really right.

The blond kid pinched the bridge of his nose, then prepared a Cup-a-Spell, sending it between the two ponies.

The two crystal ponies suddenly smelled a foul odor and ran away from it, clearing the runway.

“Dude, that’s kinda gross... but then again, I’ve done grosser... like pissed on my dad’s grave.”

Dovahkiin charaded ‘That’s not gross, that’s just wrong.’

“I don’t give a shit.” The Dude replied, knowing charades.

The kid moved off of the runway, and The Dude, who had a great liking for not getting run-over by planes, followed him.

“Hmm... I wonder if there’s a place to get some chow? I have a hankering for some really crappy sushi right now.” The Dude said as he walked towards the city over the horizon.

Dovahkiin watched as the man left, deciding that there wasn’t much to do right here anymore.

He got bored, and walked over to a nearby flagpole, this one was made of a white crystal and waving a dark magenta flag with a snowflake surrounding a gemstone heart.

*honka-honk* went the little horn attached to it.

Out of nowhere, Timmy appeared with his railway get-up on.

“TIMMEH!!!” Timmy yelled.

Dovahkiin gave him a dollar as the travel fee and pointed towards the city.

“Oh Timmeh.” Timmy said as he took the dollar and waited for Dovahkiin to get into the wagon, then snapped the whips and rode off.

“TIMMEH!!!” the Fast-Travel service was nothing if not fast

Lee felt hungry, a bad sign in his case.

“Oh god… dammit, what am I supposed to eat now? Do I just… do I have to change my diet now that I’m kinda a walker?“

“Dud’n make no sense to me.” Applejack said, catching his attention.

“Oh, right, um… Applejack was it?”

“Eeyup.”

“Alright... what do you have for me to eat? I’m hungry.”

“Well I heard that part about ya bein’ hungry already, y’all was juss standin’ next to mah stand all talkin’ real low and thinkin’ real hard, t’ain’t good fer ya ta think on a empty stomach, here.” the orange mare hoofed him a Crystal Berry fritter.

Lee decided to take the fritter and taste it.

It was sweet, and had a bit of a crispness to the berry skins, the crust was baked to perfection, he liked it.

“It’s good.” Lee nodded in approval.

“Glad ya like it. Ya know, Ah’ve heard that some feller’s at some pie-eatin’ contest an’ winnin’.”

“Okay, why would you tell me that? Do you want me to compete?”

“Nah, I was gunna say, from what Ah heard, it’s a whole ‘nother human.”

“Another human!”

“Yep, and he… uh… he kinda looked like you, what with y'all's skin an' muzzle hair, but he had a bit more meat on his bones.”

“Wait, especially around his waist?” To Lee, this new human sounded a bit familiar.

“Eeyup.”

“Was he wearing a purple and yellow shirt?” It couldn’t be him, could it?

“Eeyup.”

“OH SHIT! MAH MAN!” Lee couldn’t believe that he was here.

Lee began to run off

“Huh, never figgered his barn doors opened that way.” Applejack said as she watched him leave.

As Lee ran, he bumped into someone.

“Watch it, jerk!”

“Sorry, but mah man’s here!” Lee stopped for only a second.

“Whatever, go screw yourself.” The Dude did not find anything distinctly Asian about this place.

‘Oh well... maybe there’s donuts.’ He thought as he watched the weird gray-brown guy run away from him.

Lee saw the pie-eating-contest stand, and saw his favorite person from back in high school.

Coach.

“COACH!” He called out, watching the larger man look up from the table.

“Wait, hold on a sec, Lee? LEE!” Coach stood up and stepped out of the booth.

“COACH!!!” Lee stopped for a second to Hunter Leap towards Coach, hitting him with a tackle hug.

“WHOA-AAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” Coach screamed, thinking he had just been pinned by a hunter.

What really happened was that Lee was hugging him... very hard, almost bone-crushingly so.

“Lee? You’re kinda freakin’ me out.”

“Coach, man, I thought I’d never see you again!”

“Yeah, but you’re kinda... crushing my lungs...” Coach choked out, feeling relief when Lee let go and got off of him. “I found some friends to help me out, y’know? I’m fine.”

“I kept getting stabbed in the back, and then I got… well.” Lee gestured to his claws.

“Wait, you’re… AW HELL NAW! How did… what the… I… I’ve never seen a male witch.”

“Uh, yeah, I got bit, but I got saved halfway through, and now I’m a half-zombie, I can do these Hunter Leap things and I have these Witch’s Claws.”

“Those leaps... damn man, if you had those back in the game, yer football career woulda shot off like a rocket.”

“And the claws?”

“Like some sorta Freddy Krueger shit, but on both hands.”

“Yeah, so what’s been up with the zombies?”

“The infected? Oh damn man, you shoulda seen some’a that shit, we had the normals, which ran places, we had Smokers with these crazy Gene Simmons tongues, Hunters that’ll pin you and rip ya ta shreds, Witches sat around and cried all the time, but if ya startle’em, then they’d sprint after ya and gut ya with their claws, Boomers are some sick fatasses that’d throw up on ya and bring on more commons, Spitters got some acid-spit shit, Jockeys go an’ jump on ya shoulders and try ta throw ya off balance, Chargers tackle the shit outta ya and try to crush ya into the ground, and don’t even get me started on Tanks…”

“Wow, that’s just… damn.” for Lee, that was a lot to take in, when he compared surviving in Coach’s apocalypse to surviving in his own, his own seemed like child’s play.

“So where were you? I was hoping I’d see you.” Coach stood up, helped Lee up, and gave him a pat on the back.

“What time were you fighting around?” The thinner man asked, this question was important.

“About 2009, why?”

“The walkers kept on for five years?” Lee was amazed and horrified at this revelation.

“Whatchu talkin’ bout mah nigga? The infected got up around 2008.”

“Michael would probably say that this is a case of diverging timelines, or something, because I was fighting for my life in 2004.”

“Michael? Ya got others? With ya?”

“By the way, why aren’t you freaked out about these… crystal ponies.”

“Ellis.” Coach explained simply.

“Oh, right.” Lee knew Ellis, he’d seen him when he’d visited his old high-school a few years back, and two conversations with the guy told you two things about him.

1) He’s crazy as a mofo.
2) He has a lifelong friend named Keith.

“So, ya got yerself some Hunter legs and some Witch claws, I guess it’s better than the zombies havin’ it, mi’rite?”

“You’re right, that’s for sure.”

Coach laughed, it was a jolly laugh that gave Lee comfort, comfort that he’d found some humanity in all of this.

Not to say that the other’s weren’t humane, but Michael was weird, Trevor was a clusterfuck, Nikolai was a sob story, Stryker was like a video-game hero, and David was just kinda disturbed to be here.

So to Lee, Coach was a source of... the good side… of humanity.

The two decided to catch up on each other's lives as they walked towards the castle.

Nikolai sipped some more vodka from his bottle, bored to be here.

“Where is Trevor? It has been long time.” Nikolai said to himself.

*BANG*

“WOAH! That was not good.” Nikolai looked around.

*BANG*

“Is someone here? Nikolai has whiskey!” The black-clad Russian took out his Ray Gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

*BANG*

Nikolai looked towards the banging noise, and haphazardly walked towards it.

*BANG*

*BANG*

*BANG*

It stopped as Nikolai reached the door it seemed to be coming from. He opened the door and found himself in the boiler room.

“What the fuck was that noise?”

The boiler itself sudden opened and ignited. Nikolai gave out a girly scream, and a voice came from the boiler.

“NUMBER 872B, YOUR SENTENCE IS OVER!!!”

A man was thrown out of the embers, virtually unscathed, and the boiler door closed. Nikolai looked at the man, the boiler, and his bottle, and promptly chugged the whole bottle clean.

“ARG... dammit...” The man moaned.

“*BRUP* Comrade, are you alright? You were launched out boiler.”

“Gah...” A man in khaki pants, a blue button-up shirt, a wool jacket and a beret stood up. In his fingerless-gloved hands was one of the most elaborate break-action shotguns Nikolai has ever seen.

“Comrade, are you okay? Here, have some whiskey. Nikolai prefers vodka anyway, whiskey taste too much like capitalism.” Nikolai said as he held out a bottle of jack to the recently appeared man.

The man took the bottle, looked at it with a raised eyebrow, took off the cap, and took a drink. He finished after about a couple gulps

“Ah... Jesus... been a while since I had a good whiskey. Who’re you?” The man asked.

“I am Nikolai Belinski, armed and drunk Russian.”

“Albert, Albert Arlington, armed... ex-con.” Albert said, not wanting to reveal anything about his past.

“If you say so Albert. How did you get out of boiler?”

“I barely know how I even got here.” Albert said, and then he noticed the Ray Gun. “Hey, can I have that... I don’t have much to defend myself with.”

Many people would’ve be suspicious and not willing to do anything for a guy who appeared out of nowhere.

But Nikolai was drunk, so he decided to oblige.

“Thanks.” Albert handled the weapon a lot like a person who'd held this kind of weapon many times.

“Comrade, you seem to know how to use that. Have you fought the hoards of the undead like me?”

“You too? Huh... we’ve got more in common than we thought.”

“I beg to differ.” Nikolai took a drink of his vodka.

“Well... are we near civilization?”

“Da, but we wait for Trevor now.”

“Trevor?”

“Is comrade of mine, crazy, but is good friend.” Nikolai said as he walked out of the boiler room.

Albert sighed.

‘I sure as hell hope that this Trevor isn’t like Billy.’ He thought to himself, finally noticing the note in his pocket.

The note that wasn’t there before.

‘The hell?’ Albert then read the note, which seemed to be written in blood.

Dear Albert “The Weasel” Arlington,

I have chosen you to counter the plans the humans who have betrayed me

You must go to the surface, and attack anyone holding a Crystal Heart on sight.

If you do not oblige, I shall oblige the ones you’ve killed to escape the purgatory you called Alcatraz.

I’m fairly sure Finn, Billy, and Sal would like to have some words for you.

~Sombra

Albert found fear in the note. Those three were dead, all because of... all because of...

‘Oh God... I’m so fucking screwed.’

David stood at the edge of the pulsating barrier.

“Alright, let’s do this.” He had retrieved a thick, puffy jacket from Rarity, who had only taken a few minutes to ‘find it’, which was convenient.

It was nice to be able to talk to her at a better time than, oh, say... right after killing a man.

“What is up with this jacket anyway? It’s… ugh it smells like blood…” He felt a bit sick from the smell of blood wafting up to his nose for the past ten minutes as he rode a ‘commandeered’ bicycle to the barrier.

He then decided to look inside it, and found a small note taped to the inside.

Property of Trevor Phillips

Reward for returning jacket: hand shake.
Reward for stealing jacket: hand break.
Reward for surviving hand break: skull fucking.

“Oh Jesus.” David decided to return the jacket as soon as possible.

At least it was warm.

The rifle-wielding man stepped out into the snowy landscape again, and started firing wildly.

He heard heavy, fleshy slaps, and stopped firing for a few seconds.

Lights suddenly lit up in the black fog, and a tall, thick figure was visible through the translucent cloud.

“What the hell?” David backed up slowly, his rifle aimed at the approaching figure.

It reached got close to the edge of the fog.

Steve: hello? help plz

“What? Hello? I can help, maybe.” David was just an inch from the barrier, half a second and he could be safe.

The figure got closer, exiting the fog completely.

This person, if its name really was ‘Steve’, looked about 6’6”, with broad, muscular shoulders, thick arms, barreling chest and stomach muscles covered by a cyan shirt, strong legs covered in jeans, and a helmet on his brown-haired, blue-eyed head.

Then he spazzed out for a second, and his real form was restored, a body made of cubes

Steve: a book I found told me to find Michael, do u kno him?

“Uh, yeah, whaddya want?”

Steve: I was told to ‘give him my sword’, so I’m guessing this Sombra guy wants Michael to be equipped

“Uh, yeah, Sombra’s a bad guy, don’t listen to him.”

Steve: well I was giving a diamond sword with some sort of weird rusted iron handle, it’s warm, oh, here, I have some spare armor.

Steve suddenly phased a pair of leather boots into his hand, and tossed them to David, followed by iron leggings, a leather chestpiece, and an iron helmet.

The huge man suddenly phased iron armor into his hand, and flashed it on, boots, leggings, chestplate, and helmet.

He gave a small bow to David, pulled out a glinting cyan crystal-looking sword, and walked through the barrier.

David looked where the large man with the weird voice had been standing, the decided that it might be a good idea to wear something protective out here.

“That was… just weird. I’m fairly sure I’ve lost my goddamn mind.”

What was next, he somehow went on an acid trip and saw flying purple dragons?

Trevor regretted taking that hit of acid, because right now, he was seeing a flying purple dragon.

“Fellas, we have a problem, there is a flying purple dragon in the sky, I repeat, there is a flying purple dragon in the sky!”

“Trevor, I’m sure you’re just on LSdeh-... there IS a dragon in the sky.” Stryker looked out at the flying purple dragon.

“That dragon is called Spyro, and he is here because of Sombra, just as we are.” Michael explained as his eyes followed the motions of the flying dragon.

Spyro was trying to get his bearings, and figure out where he was.

A huge metal machine flew towards him, and he moved out of the way, latching onto it.

*CLUNK* Michael heard Spyro land on the roof of the plane, and moved to where he was, using his pickaxe opening a hole for Spyro to enter through.

*WHOOOOOOOSHSHSSHHHHHHSSSHHHHHHOOOOOM* For a few seconds, long enough for Spyro to claw his way through the hole, the air pressure in the cabin dropped, and nearly sucked Michael out.

“OH FUCK! YOU DUMB BASTARD!!!” Trevor yelled out.

Fortunately, Michael had gotten the ‘Airplane Fuselage’ block back, and replaced it.

*SHOOM* the wind suddenly stopped,

“Uh... Spyro... not to be brash, but you ALMOST LET ME GET SUCKED OUT TO FALL TO MY DEATH!!!” Michael yelled out at the dragon.

“Actually, you’re the one who opened the hole.”

“I’M MAD RIGHT NOW! I CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT!” Michael fruitlessly lashed his weak fists at Spyro, watching as they harmlessly bounced off his body.

“Hey, concentrate, are we almost there?” Stryker asked the important question.

“Let’s see, the supply room gave me enough materials to construct a depth measurement device, we are currently 36,000 feet above the ground, so we are close.” Michael was immediately calmed by the inquiry.

“Alright, so... a dragon.” Trevor said, still high on acid.

“Yeah, I was just flying around, bein’ cool, and suddenly this dark cloud comes out of nowhere, tells me to find a human wearing red, and kill him. I told him yeah, but I’m not really inclined towards murder.”

“And it talks. Figures.” Stryker said, facepalming.

“Well, you’ve came to the wrong place, he’s at the border of town. Come to think of it, these new humans...”

“AHEM!!!” Spyro faked a cough.

“...Ah, and dragon, might have something in common with all of us.”

“Well let’s see, I’m assuming that that Dude guy is like Trevor, he certainly seemed like it.” Stryker assumed.

“I have not seen anyone else, but I am getting faint lines of information about a fellow brown-skinned man meeting Lee.” Michael informed, thinking hard on this.

“That kid was in SWAT gear.” Stryker added.

“And I’m assuming Nikolai is just meeting his new partner in crime.” Trevor thought.

“Am I missing something?” Spyro asked.

“Well, I am trying to figure out what correlation you have to David, as you are a purple dragon and he is a relatively normal ‘human in a red shirt’, as you so descriptively put it.”

“Maybe the two are snarky dicks who got sucked into this world.” Trevor thought.

“I was also told that if I have a hard time finding him, look for the white unicorn.” Spyro added.

“Miss Rarity? Yes, I believe he has some correlation with her.” Michael thought about a few things.

“And I correlate to him?” Spyro asked.

“But do you correlate to Rarity?” Stryker added, gesturing with his fingers in an attempt to catch the truth in all this.

“I don’t know? I never met her.” The gold-horned dragon shrugged.

For Michael, Stryker’s question solved the case, “Yes, but she is friends with another, much younger purple dragon named Spike. I suppose that’s a great correlation so far.”

“And I dealt with a fight between two worlds, and the kid correlates to me being part of SWAT?” Stryker wasn't buying the whole 'major factors correlation' thing.

“Well, Stryker, actually, only a few days prior to his arrival, Dovahkiin, which is the kid’s name, was locked in a war between Humans and Drow Elves.”

“Wait, the dragonborn’s here? Like, right here?” Spyro asked, wide-eyed.

“Hold on, since when is there a SWAT in High Fantasy worlds?”

“To be frank, it was all make believe and pretend, until aliens and Nazi Zombies came into the picture.”

Stryker was silent.

“Do not question it.”

“I… just… what kind of world puts a child through that sort of thing.” Stryker couldn’t believe this bastardly defiance of the sanctity of life.

“I heard of this place called ‘South Park’. They do stupid shit like that on a weekly basis.” Trevor said, remembering his stint there back before his buddy faked his death.

“Yes, that place... we’re at the altitude. Officer Stryker, prepare to parachute out.”

“AWESOME, alright Stry, listen, be careful with them chutes, ya go really fast forwards with them.” Trevor warned.

“That might be a problem, but it is too late to back out now.” Stryker put on the parachute.

“You could just step backwards out of this… thingy.” Spyro offered, not really sure what exactly he was standing inside and not really understanding what Stryker meant.

“It is called an airplane, Spyro.” Michael informed, opening the door in the air-locked area.

Stryker and Michael were now alone, all they had was a parachute, and a plan.

“So, what’s the trajectory?”

“Straight on at a negative 35 degree angle, you should go through the gazebo and out of the other side, you will be inside for approximately 1 second, so have your arm out and brace it for impact.”

“Alright, thanks Michael. Here goes nothing.” Stryker took a deep breath.

He found his legs to not be working.

“Uh, I’m a little paralyzed with fear here.” He said.

Michael nodded, “Sorry about this then.” he pulled out his copper shortsword and bashed Stryker out of the plane with the pommel.

“OH AHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Stryker found himself falling out of the plane. Quickly thinking, he pulled the zip-cord, and the chute deployed.

His fall was slowed, but now he was zipping through the air.

He corrected his course and went straight for the gazebo, bringing his legs forward so as to not get them cut off on the banister.

In an almost sitting position, Stryker shot through the gazebo, grabbing the Crystal Heart with an outstretched arm and zooming past.

Behind him, he heard the sounds of crystals *SHING*ing upwards, and turned to look back.

Black crystals shot upwards in a circle, sealing the area the heart had been in.

Stryker figured that, if he’d been on foot, he’d probably have been trapped inside the gazebo, and the Crystal Heart stuck with him.

Luckily, that wasn’t the case.

Securing the Crystal Heart under his shirt, feeling the comfortably warm surface against his chest, he began the long glide down to the ground.

He glided peacefully down until about the 7,000 foot mark, then things got complicated.

*POCK, POCK* went distant gunshots, barely audible over the winds.

About six seconds later, a pair of bullets ripped through his parachute, opening tiny holes in it.

Weasel reloaded his Upgraded Blundergat, which was now a single-shot weapon with two shots from its four barrels.

“I can believe this...” Weasel said, readying his weapon.

Stryker, on the other hand, looked up at the parachute.

The tiny holes ripped open further due to the wind speed causing the edges to tear apart, and he soon found himself falling more quickly.

“Uh... someone... HELP!!!” he shouted over the screaming winds

Weasel tried firing again.

*PAOW, PAOW* it sounded a lot different up close.

Bullets hit the parachute again.

“Oh no...” Stryker knew that he would be going down.

The new holes quickly started tearing open, and soon, he was falling at almost full speed.

Soon, he reached terminal velocity, he wouldn’t go much faster than he was right now.

Steve? looked up, and saw the quickly-falling man.

Acting fast, he used his two buckets of water to make an infinite source, then made a large frame out of cobblestone and poured the water source blocks in, creating a flood in the street, and a several-block-deep pool for Stryker to land in.

Stryker, despite his velocity, did not get hurt by falling into the water. The way the water flowed helped in that regard.

The water was forcefully flowing downwards, but was quite soft and smooth, as though it were oil.

“What the...”

Steve? gathered up the water, putting it back into the infinite pool, then blocked up two spots on the infinite pool, gathered up the buckets, broke the frame, and went over to Stryker.

Steve: are you okay?

“Uh, yeah… yeah, um, your name is Steve?” Stryker looked at the line of words that had appeared at the bottom of his vision.

Steve: yes, I am Steve?

“Your name is Steve??”

Steve: yes, Steve? the question mark is part of my name

“Why?”

Steve: I blame Notch, of Mojang

“One of the Elder Gods? Hmm, come on big guy, we need to regroup with the others.”

Steve: yes, the Elder God who gav me tre punching abilities

“It that like Michael’s weird building powers?”

Steve: his world is knockoff of mine, but we are associates all teh same

“Ah, I see, like the Army and the Marines, or rather, the other way around.” Stryker remember that joke, and chuckled.

Steve: I just build houses 2 protect myself from zombies and creepers

“Zombies? Am I the only one, along with David, who didn’t deal with zombies? Wait, did Trevor do zombie stuff?” Stryker thought hard.

Steve: how should I know? he’s from GTA5

“Well come on, we’ll meet up with the others… and how did you know that?”

Steve: I tabbed out to go to Google.

“Oh, great, another person who can access alternate, metaphysical sources of information, grand.”

Steve: we better go, I bet sum1 wanted u ded 4 sum reson

“Why do you occasionally misspell things?”

Steve: mor convient dat way, savs tym

“Right, okay… fuck me.” Stryker led the way.

Or at least, he would have led the way, but Steve?, even when walking, moved at 4.3 meters per second.

‘Is every person I meet going to leave me behind at some point? Seriously, it’s not a good sign.’ the officer thought, watching Steve’s casually walking form go easily twice as fast as he ran.

Weasel saw Steve? And noticed his rather blocky frame.

“What the fuck?”

Steve? looked at Weasel, then back to Stryker, who was still catching up.

Steve: wat?

“Uh... you look like... you’re made of cubes.” Weasel was very confused at this point.

Steve: Minecraft is made of cubes, I’m typical.

“W-what?” Weasel was basically 404ing at this sudden turn of events.

Steve: you are Albert ‘The Weasel’ Arlington, you have 100 health.

“W-what?” Weasel was still 404ing at this sudden turn of events.

Steve: did you attack Stryker?

“I... wha... you’re not making any damn sense... you know what... S-Screw this!” Weasel simply walked off. There was no way he was working for Sombra under these conditions, mobsters wanting him dead be damned.

Stryker ran up to Steve?, a bit out of breath.

Weasel noticed that Stryker had something big and heart-shaped under his shirt, and decided that this would actually be easy.

‘Get the heart!’

Weasel pulled out the Ray Gun Nikolai gave him, and aimed.

Stryker lashed out his M9, aiming it back.

Steve? pulled out his bow, which was enchanted with Power V and Punch II.

“TIMMEH!!!” Timmy soon came up with Dovahkiin, who jumped off, and looked at the scene.

He then looked at the flagpole he’d been dropped off at.

He was really considering riding to another one.

“Hey, not to be a dick, but where’s the donut shop?” The Postal Dude interrupted.

“Who the hell are you?” Weasel asked.

“I am The Postal Dude. And yes, that’s my shitfuck name.”

“Uh, Lee? You know these people?” Coach asked as he and Lee saw the growing scene.

“I know that cop guy. The others... not so much.”

“You know me.” David said, gun aimed at the others.

“A Lucky Horseshoe is quite common here, and that’s a good thing for me, hello everyone, I hope this doesn’t come to trading blows.” Michael greeted as he fell in from the sky, then he started receiving information as his hands flared up with Golden Flames.

“OH... this is not good.” Albert was slowly backing away.

Trevor came up to the scene, and looked around.

“Oh hey, a party! FUN!” Trevor took out a Carbine Rifle, ready to fight for the hell of it.

Nikolai pulled out his H115 Oscillator with a burp.

“Whoa, dude, gnarly.” Spyro said as he swooped down to the group.

“A dragon... now my life is complete.” Postal Dude said, not changing his expression as he looked at Spyro.

“Oh Jesus... I’m fucked aren’t I?” Albert dropped his weapon.

“Just like your voice.” Trevor said, ready to pull the trigger.

“If you fire at one of us, you will be turned into swiss cheese, basically.” Stryker warned.

Dovahkiin took a step back from the group, then readied his most powerful spell.

The Nagasaki.

Taught by the only monks capable of performing it, from Canada itself, only after learning the Dragon’s Shout, the Cup'a Spell and the Sneaky Squeaker, the Nagasaki is the spell that can shatter rocks, brick and mortar, even wooden barricades.

*VRMM-RMMM-PPPFFF* He controlled his sphincter muscles, changing the frequency of the fart.

*PIPIPROO-BANG* the shockwave hit like the fabled A-bomb, AKA the Anus Bomb.

Trevor, despite trying to keep his rather tough exterior, found himself trying to suppress his laughter.

“AHAHAHA...HAHAHA HA HA!!!” Cartman laughed in the very, VERY far away distance.

“WOW...” Was the reaction of most of the group.

Steve: such power dwarfs the might of TNT. was Steve’s unique response.

“Did, did he just do that with a fart?” was David’s unique reaction, along with trying not to throw up.

“Yes... he did...” Nikolai responded. “I am not impressed, but is loud.”

Dovahkiin pointed towards the tower, then at the barrier, which was falling apart.

“Da, barrier is fi-.... no, no barrier is not fine!” Nikolai took a drink of whiskey and aimed his Oscillator at the barrier.

The barrier shattered, and Sombra was through.

“Barrier is not fine, I am going to die! At least I will die drunk.” Nikolai sighed and sat on the ground.

“I regret nothing.” Was the Dude’s unusually calm response, ready to pull the pin of his grenade.

“Do it Stryker!” Michael yelled out.

Stryker threw the Crystal Heart into the air.

Round 1

FIGHT

Stryker merely caught and squeezed the heart, removing all of its health.

FINISH HIM!

Stryker threw the heart into the air again, then tazed it, followed by a shot from his M9.

The bullet projected the Heart high into the air, arcing towards the main road.

Sombra was hot on its tail, racing towards it on a growth of black crystals.

“Stryker, you have to put the heart at the podium under the castle!” Michael chastised, facepalming at the stupidity of the officer’s actions

“I’ll get it!” Spyro hopped up and started flying, quickly getting close to and trying to grab the heart.

“Yep, gonna die.” David said with a hint of fear.

Spyro, for the most part, got very close. Unfortunately, a blunt pillar shot horizontally out from the castle tower, and punted him halfway across town.

“What the... AHHHH!!!”

The others were too shocked.

David, however, was tired of this ‘Sombra is going to kill us’ bullshit.

“Okay, fuck this...” David ran towards Sombra, gun ready to fire.

Up on the castle tower, standing on a high-up balcony, Shining Armor saw the heart sailing up through the air, and did the best thing he could think of:

Throw Cadance at it.

Cadance soared through the air, shocked awake by the feeling and shocked into awareness at the sight of the Crystal Heart.

She tried to catch it, but she herself was caught by several long spikes of black crystals, which pinned her in place in the air.

Sombra grabbed the Crystal Heart with his dark red telekinesis, and looked at the hopeless pink princess.

“Thank you so much, Cadance, for making sure I got this.”

“You monster, you may think you’ve won, but the humans will stop you!” Cadance

“Them? What makes you think that they can stop me?”

Sombra caught David on a pillar under his feet, and raised him a hundred feet into the air, moving so fast upwards that he lost his balance and fell onto his stomach.

“Oh... hi.” David tried to suppress his gag reflex and make his head stop spinning.

“Yes, you may kill me, just like you killed my father! But you won’t be able to stop all of them!” Cadance shouted defiantly.

“And quite frankly, you forgot someone important.” David said, looking for his rifle.

“So, I’m guessing ol’ Celestia told you about what happened to your father?”

“Who the fuck’s Celestia?” David asked.

“QUIET YOU!” Sombra magically latched a strip crystal over David’s mouth, and David immediately started trying to get it off.

“MMMPH.” David flipped off Sombra.

“Yes, she did, she told me everything, YOU KILLED MY FATHER!”

“Is that what you think happened?”

“YES!” Cadance was crying at this point.

“Oh hohoho...” King Sombra laughed, every release of air causing dozens more black spires and spikes to rise from the ground.

‘OH GREAT, is it this spoiler?’ David thought, clearly annoyed at this possibility.

“Dear, foolish, Cadance, you don’t even know.”

“Know what?” Cadance was shocked.

“Cadance, I am your father.”

“W-what?” Cadance said in shock.

‘I knew it, fucking fuck! What a bullshit trope!!! What a BULLSHIT TROPE!!!’ David pulled the crystal off his mouth.

“Okay, FUCK THIS CLICHE!” He said, firing his rifle on full-auto at Sombra.

Sombra, being in physical form, was greatly harmed by the many bullets entering and tearing up his body, and fell off his crystal-growth perch.

The Crystal Heart fell with him.

“YOINK!” The Postal Dude said, right before pocketing the heart and taking out a rocket launcher.

*WRRRRRRRRRR BEEP BEEP*

“SEEKING ROCKET ACTIVATED”

The Dude fired his rocket, which hit Sombra, and sent him f;ying.

“I still regret nothing.” The Dude ran off.

Steve? threw an Ender Pearl towards where Sombra would land, and grabbed Coach’s and Dovahkiin’s hands, bringing them along with the teleportation.

Together, the three batted the fallen king around on the street like a violent three-way tennis game, Dovahkiin taking as many opportunities as he could to fart on the fallen king.

Spyro went to the Dude, who looked at the little purple thing.

“I can run faster, give me the Heart.”

“Whatever.” The Dude gave Spyro the Heart

Spyro then began to charge towards the podium.

Weasel looked to see the purple dragon charge to him.

*BANG BANG BANG* a three-round burst fired at Spyro, catching him in two legs and forcing him to stop.

“This is for Wayzer, ASSHOLES!” a cloaked man ran out of an alleyway, firing dual-wielded Uzis at the group.

Many people were hit, some several times, the strange man reloaded and fired again.

Weasel was not having it. He took out a Hell’s Retriever, a hellfire enhanced tomahawk, and threw it at the cloaked man.

The agent sidestepped it easily and began firing again.

What the agent didn’t know, was that it was a boomerang-type weapon, and flew right into his back, going right through him.

The agent looked at the hole in his chest, which had wires and electricity sparking through it.

Weasel caught the blade, and saw the unusual sight.

Trevor, of all people, finally stopped the firing by putting his Heavy Sniper right through the robot’s head.

*REEEoooooo, shunk, bazheeeeeem* the whirring and computorial sounds of it shutting down forever were heard loud and clear among the many present.

Spike, who had been caught in the middle of the chaos, found himself holding the heart in question.

Michael shouted the instructions, “Quickly, set the heart on the podium!”

Spike ran over to the podium and placed the heart onto it.

*vvvvvrrrrmmmmMMMMMMMMMMM* The heart hummed to life, and the magic started flowing throughout the castle.

The streets of the Crystal Kingdom began shining brightly, and all of Sombra’s dark magic was dispelled.

Michael looked around the area, and found that the crystal ponies were cheering for them.

All of them.

Michael shed a single tear of pride for his first major win as a player, and raised his arms up in victory.

They had won.

Sombra was gone.

Heroes 3, Villains 0.

Why 3? Because 2 agents and 1 Sombra.

The Postal Dude took out his chore list again.

Defend Vince's home from Mad Cow Tourettes Zombies

Gather elephant feet

Go to Al Qaeda base to get fireworks

Escape military base

Take an explosive

Set up fireworks

Rescue Champ from pound

Find my car

Defeat Mike J, Kosher Mad Cow Zombie, God of Hellfire

Did not bow down and worship Mike J’s Asscock

Cure my self-inflicted headshot wound hallucinations

Escape Paradise before fireworks show

Figure out what game developer lost his goddamn mind (It was Vince.)

Fuck up Sombra

"And done. Time to go home!"

The cheering died down. Weasel and The Dude watched as three figures rose up from the ground.

Sal, Finn, and Billy looked around, their bodies encompassed in blackened hellfire.

“Hey, you know where this Prick named Weasel is? The three of us have a little business with that fuck.” Billy asked, clearly possessed. Weasel backed away, basically fearing his life.

The Dude’s stomach growled, and he looked at his new acquaintance.

“Yeah, it’s called my three devilish cats.”

“Cats?” Finn raised an eyebrow.

The Dude threw three cats at the three hellfire demons.

Sal looked down at the cute face of the cat, "Awww." he cooed.

The cats promptly began to tear them limb from limb in a tornado of claws and fur.

“OH JESUS CHRIST!!!” Sal yelled out as his body began to be skinned.

Weasel merely looked as he saw Finn’s leg get mauled to mush.

“Jesus...”

“You’re welcome.” The Postal Dude replied.

“Now, where’s the fucking Burger Tank?” Coach asked, hungry for some real food.

“The ponies are vegetarian, Coach.“ Michael regretfully informed.

“Dammit, can’t keep up on carrots and lettuce and shit.” Coach lamented.

“Eat a damn salad, fatass.” The Dude said, as blunt and dickish as ever.

“No need to be a dick about it.” Weasel said, looking over three cats meowing over the resulting piles of limbs.

Lee looked at the other five humans, and dragon, then at David.

“So, whadda we do with them?”

“What can we do? They’re just as unlucky as us.” David shrugged.

“Well yeah, but I mean, well…” What would Lee say here?

They’re not really… normal.

These guys just won’t… work out here.

-> I’m all for more people, but a large group will…. get in the way. <-

(Stay silent)

“I mean, I’m all for more people, but a large group will… get in the way.” Lee said, not sure about how safe having a dozen people would be.

“Maybe Lee, but you have to remember, we’re not on a stealth mission, we’re actually done with it all. You worry too much, have a beer dude.” David patted Lee’s shoulder, not too concerned with this new turn of events.

“Uh... sure, yeah, a nice cold beer sounds good right now. But one thing David: I know I worry a lot, but worry’s kept me alive so far.”

“Well, stress isn’t good for you if it lasts too long. Just accept these guys. They’re helping us, so why not?”

"Well..."

-> They're not really... normal. <-

These guys just won't... work out here.

(Accept them)

(Stay silent)

"...they're not really... normal. I mean, like, look at the guy with the trench coat." Lee pointed at The Postal Dude, who was licking his arm clean of blood like his cats were.

"Look at Trevor." David countered, pointing at the balding man, who was smoking some meth out of a portable hookah sitting on his shoulder while removing his jeans.

“Alright, yeah, that’s weird, I think I see your point, I’m gonna go ahead and let these guys be, for now.” The tall man Hunter Leaped away, wishing to raid the royal kitchen for a beer, or a wine, or anything alcoholic.

David looked at Cadance and Shining, the former who was clearly panicking at the thought that Sombra was her father, and David rolled his eyes. He walked up to her, and stared.

“I... My father was… But Shaded Sapphire was, this… I… I can’t… wha… wha happen?... it-”

David grabbed Cadance by one shoulder and began to rapidly and repeatedly slap her- both front-handed and back-handed -across the face. He then held her face to his own, and he yelled...

“CALM DOWN, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, AND SHUT UP!!!” David let go of the mare and walked off, leaving two very surprised ponies.

“Celestia, why’d he do that to you Cadance?”

“I-I... Ow... Geez.” Cadance found herself shocked back into working order by the repeated slapping, and shook her head. She decided that she’d deal with his dick move later, she had a country to work on now.

Lee slowly opened the door that had the Kitchen sign above it, and found a strange sight.

Rarity, the posh unicorn with the stylish mane, was drinking tea at one of the tables.

One thing was off, there was a very-obviously-not-tea bottle standing on the table.

He focused his vision, and his sight seemed to zoom in slightly, allowing him to see that the bottle was a bottle of bourbon.

I’d put some bourbon in those teacups if I had any.

He clenched his eyes and grunted in pain, he’d just gotten a vivid image of the first day he’d been in the apocalypse, when he’d limped his way to Clementine’s house and saw her toy tea set.

Rarity gasped at the noise, squeaked, and hid the bottle under the table when she saw Lee.

“Oh, sorry, I wasn’t expecting to find anyone in here, hey… Rarity right?” Lee greeted, pretending that he hadn’t seen the bottle.

Rarity took a sip from her teacup, “Oh well, darling, I myself was quite thirsty, and I was in the mood for something more sophisticated than… eugh... fizzy berry juice, so I procured myself some tea.” Rarity hated carbonated drinks, they were so… tacky, and made ponies burp almost uncontrollably.

“I’d say so too, I don’t think we’ve had much’a chance to talk.” Lee sat down in front of the table and casually pulled up the bottle of bourbon and poured some into his own teacup, laughing internally.

“Oh my, sir Lee, how could you drink something so… vulgar.” Rarity tried to cover up her surprise and embarrassment.

“Says the girl who was lying through her teeth about drinking tea, I like tea too, by the way, I don’t think anyone who grows up in the southern states and doesn’t learn to like tea.” he drank the bourbon smoothly, his throat not burning from the high alcohol content due to his zombieism-induced numbness.

“Well, it seems that tea is the universal beverage for anypony, or human.” Rarity took a dainty sip of her drink, reveling in the taste of blackberries with a huge kick-to-the-tongue twist.

“So, why do you feel the need to hide the fact that you’re drinking some alcohol?”

“Oh darling, my dear friends are completely unaware that I am what most would call… an alcoholic,“ she said the word with disgust, “...My day-to-day life gives me so much to deal with, that I find... ‘the bottle’... to be quite a satisfying break from it all.”

“I wish I had ‘the bottle’ sometimes… so why do you hide it?” Lee noticed that she hadn’t answered the question he’d asked.

“Well, darling, think of the scandal if anypony found out that moi was a drunkard.”

“No worse than Nikolai, well, I mean, if you look at him as the lowest you could possibly go… nevermind. You have a good reputation, what’s it to anybo…” he stopped to think for a second, then decided that he wouldn’t give up his own speech patterns yet, and coughed to cover up his pause, “Anybody that you also enjoy a good drink alongside good fashion?”

“How did you know about that?”

“I was talking to Michael earlier, I gotta say something Rarity, the fact that there are twelve of us… well I can’t say ‘humans’ because of Spyro, and Steve is all blocky, and Michael is some sort of divine advocate or weird alien thingy… I’m getting off-track, my point is, the fact that there are twelve of us... outsiders, is scary to me, because I’ve never been in a group that big and it go well.”

“Well, sir Lee, you are a kind man, from what I’ve heard, surely you can trust things to go, if not well, then at least alright?”

“I suppose, but I can’t help but worry about the eventual conflict.”

“Well, whoever is the mediator in your group? Who is the leader of your… ragtag bunch of misfits?” Rarity knew that there were many better ways she could have worded that, but there was alcohol in her blood and she couldn’t think of those better ways right now.

Lee thought hard, he had a very broad and impactful choice to make.

(Rarity will remember this, and she’s quite the gossiper.)

I am, I haven’t done much bad in leading so far.

Michael is, he’s the smartest.

David is, he’s the most humane.

Stryker is, he’s the most responsible.

Nikolai doesn’t seem like a bad choice, at least he’s honest.

Trevor might be a good leader if he cleans up his act.

-> We should be a democracy. <-

The pony leaders seem like a safe bet.

I have no idea.

(Stay silent)

Lee took in a breath.

“A single leader would be… too dangerous, I personally think that we should be a democracy.”

“Well, dearie, in the history of Equestrian politics, democracy hasn’t ever really worked out,” Rarity deadpanned as she took another swig of bourbon, “Because sometimes, not everypony in the group will put forth their opinion, even though it’s encouraged.”

Lee looked around, he had three options as for what to do now.

Keep talking to Rarity.

Take a drink.

Leave.

He looked at Rarity, then at his cup, and drank down the rest of it, pouring another cup-full.

Lee stood up, grabbed his cup, and walked out of the kitchen and down the hall.

Applejack walked into the hall, Lee thought about talking to her, but decided against it for right now.

Today had been pretty hectic, and he needed some rest.

*slurp* Hmm… after this cup, and maybe a walk too.

Nikolai, Trevor, Stryker, David, and Michael stood in front of the door to the Experiments Lab as the sign said.

“So, this places looks like a hurricane blew through it.” David snarked, looking at the trashed-to-shit hallway.

“Even so, what lies beyond this door is a mystery, even to me, as I have not seen it yet.” Michael looked at the panel.

Please insert...

10 parts carbon
15 parts hydrogen
1 part nitrogen

...to enter the Experiments Lab

“Trevor, you have exactly what we need, your me-”

“I know Michael, I took… chemistry class, meth is the perfect fit.” Trevor poured a few crystals of meth into the collection slot.

Normally he wouldn’t condone this wasteful process, but if it got him some really awesome goodies, then he’d probably give up twice the amount he'd just put in the slot.

Processing...processing…please wait.

……………

Chemical code completed.

Access Granted.

The door slid open, revealing a similarly destroyed multi-level laboratory, with only a few tables left relatively unscathed.

Michael looked on one of them, and found a small black mass that seemed to cave the table in with its weight.

He picked it up effortlessly.

“Dark matter, hmm.” he hummed over the possibilities as he stowed it away in his inventory.

David walked over to another table, and found a strange T-shaped device sitting on it.

He picked it up and examined it. It looked a bit like a radio, with some buttons and some vented spaces common on some older phones.

The other end crackled to life.

“*crrrrrkkkkkk* Hello? Agent Smeth?” a voice asked, catching everyone’s attention.

“Uh… yeah?” David tried, hoping that he sounded like this ‘Agent Smeth’

“Ah, agent, good to see you’re still active, your package is ready.”

“What package?” The brown-haired man asked, worried about what it might be.

“You know what it is, Smeth, don’t play dumb with me, the F-IT-ALT program has been with you since day 16.”

David decided to pretend to know what this radio-woman was talking about, “Oh, that package, right… uh, on my signal?” David wasn’t really sure what he was getting himself into.

“Alright, it’s ready when you are.”

The other signal blipped out, leaving the radio silent.

“Alright, that was weird.” Stryker said as he looked for another clean table.

Said clean table had a strange black helmet with a slick, glossy visor and a large, hi-tech-looking pistol.

Stryker picked up the pistol and examined it.

It was a strange model, the manufacturer’s engraving read MGC M93R-AP “Auto-9”, chambered for 9x19mm parabellum.

“Oh shit man, is that the RoboCop gun?” David remembered the 1987 movie, it was amazing.

Stryker hesitantly nodded yes, and decided: if this gun was for cops, then he was eligible to take it for his own.

Nikolai found a sheet of paper with words on it, the words were written in German.

“Well shit, words are German, Nikolai cannot read German.”

“Give it to me, I will be able to translate.” Michael took the paper and looked at it.

Unfortunately, the paper was infused with a sinister dark sorcery spell, and seared the flesh of Michael’s hands when he tried to translate it.

“GAH! It’s cursed, it cannot be read by one without immunities to dark magic.” The guide informed, shaking his aching palms.

Nikolai folded the paper up and pocketed it, looking at the others.

Trevor found a box, and inside that box was a box.

And inside that box was a box.

And inside that box was a box.

And inside that box was a box.

And inside that box was a box.

And inside that box was a key with a skull for a grip.

“Well, that was an anticlimactic boxception.” Trevor poked at the eye-hole of the skull with his thumb.

“That is a skeleton key, Trevor, it is able to unlock any lock, no matter what kind of lock it is.” Michael informed.

“Well, cool.” The balding man pocketed the key and walked out of the underground building.

“Wait, shouldn’t we check the other floors?” Stryker looked at the functional-looking elevator.

“Well, Officer Stryker, we should… but-” Michael stopped when he felt a sense of dread.

Dovahkiin swatted at the raven as it began pestering him, trying to peck him.

He finally hit it with his Crystal Spear, dealing a Perfect Attack and causing it to combust into black flames.

The flames dissipated, dying out into a wisp of smoke and leaving no trace of the coal phoenix behind.

Maxwell, with the seed of his umbra powers restored, took the form of a wisp of smoke and shot off towards the primary humans faster than the speed of sound.

Michael was still stopped, and the dread built up, until finally...

‘Hello Michael, my name is Maxwell, it’s nice to meet you… don’t warn the others about what lies elsewhere. Rather, excuse the notion of leaving the Crystal Kingdom, your duties here are still far from over.’ The creepy voice of Maxwell warned, its tone deep and melodious.

“There is nothing down there, I checked with my knowledge-gains, we should get back to the partying.” Michael lied nervously as he led the way to the surface.

Stryker trusted Michael, as did David.

Nikolai knew that Michael was lying, he could tell it by the tone of his voice, his words were forced, and forcing their words isn’t something that people telling the truth do.

‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some normalness to eliminate.’

The voice disappeared with a sucking sound, leaving Michael alone in his own head.

David, on the other hand, heard a blowing sound.

‘Hello roommate, how’re ya doing?’

‘What the fuck? Am I hearing things?’ David thought, at least 85% sure he’d actually lost his mind at this point.

‘My voice, for one, hello chap, my name is Maxwell, Lord of the Umbra, you are David, a normal man with an abnormal destiny. Michael knows, as well as Steve?, that you will be forced to make a choice, and it will test the ties of friendship. You are in no way, shape, or form, by any normal or supernatural means, obligated to choose this life with your new allies, over your normal life, but the hard question is, will you anyways?’

‘Dude, you're a creepy-ass motherfucker, FUCK OFF!’

‘I would like to, but I currently lack the dark magical power to manifest a physical form, so I will be staying with you, giving you a bit of my power until I leave.‘

‘At least you’re contributing, but fucking… what do you do with that power?’

‘As long as my soul is within you, you will be invulnerable to negative magics, such as dark, chaotic, unholy, and doppelganger powers, use this power wisely, and maybe get that paper, I can read German.’

‘Alright, so can I, but it’s limited, but I want you to shut up after you translate it, okay? Or at least only say useful things’ David figured that getting a sheet of paper and translating it wouldn’t take too long, and having a second view on things could help him out.

‘A shake, and the deal is struck, so… um… ^<.’

‘Okay… uh… >^?’

‘Alright, now get that paper.’

“Hey Nikolai, um, I can read some German, y’know... basic stuff, and… y’know, maybe it turns out I’m immune to dark magic or whatever?”

“Is worth try, comrade, here.” Nikolai took the paper out and handed it over.

‘Alright, let’s see, starch... za za za... yadda yadda yadda... this is a recipe for vodka… wow, what the fuck?’

‘Seriously? Woooowww, WOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! FUCK ME! But then again, this is Nikolai.’

‘This is one pathetic man, even more pathetic than that mime. UGH!’

“What does paper say red comrade?” Nikolai was excited to know the answer to this mystery.

“It’s uh… it’s a recipe… for..." David hesitated, not wanting to support the Russian's alcohol addiction.

‘Wait, the bottom of the paper reads opposites shall bring saviorship, I’ll need more time with this.’

“Um, it’s some sort of light magic, I think, maybe, I’ll need some more time to get a full translation with all the grammar and stuff. I’ll need a German thesaurus.” David assured, folding up the sheet and pocketing it.

“Okay comrade, Nikolai trusts you.” Nikolai walked out of the desecrated base and up to the surface, ready to have a bit of fun after so long in the zombie apocalypse.

Michael watched as Nikolai got out of sight, then counted to five thousand really quick.

“That is not what it says at all, is it?” The man of infinite intelligence asked.

“Nope, it’s actually a vodka recipe.” David half-lied. “Also, ask me, who’s...”

“From what I could gather during my fifteen seconds with him, Maxwell is a lord of darkness, akin to Sombra, but more with natural constructs rather than crystals, he specializes in terrors and nightmares.”

“So... he’s... Satan?” David shrugged.

“More like a dark version of Lucifer, really. He used to be normal, but sorcery, AKA bad magic, finds a way.”

“Alright, so bad magic makes people bad. Alright, so... wanna go party?”

“... Hell yeah.” Michael was enthusiastic, his first party!

David chuckled at Michael’s rather unusual response, but accepted it with gusto, and left.

“Right, now I follow up on that… oh I hope the elevator is truly broken.” Michael looked at the busted light on the elevator.

From the sublevels, he heard a moan of pain and suffering.

He shivered in thought of what the beasts that lurked below looked like, his vast mind graciously giving him thousands of horrid, morbid, vile images of the possibilities.

Stryker stood in front of Cadance, who’d received a magical boost that had restored both her physical and mental energies.

“Sir Stryker, as you will be known, for your bravery in retrieving the Crystal Heart, and your trust in your allies to carry on a mission that you could not, you have shown courage, confidence, and above all, honor, in your actions. I hereby declare you, as by the power vested in me, to be a knight.” Cadance declared in a formal tone, giving the officer a tap on either shoulder with a ceremonial baby-blue crystal sword, created from aquamarine gemstone.

Stryker stood up and looked the princess in the eyes, “Uh, I am honored.” he accepted, he hadn’t really thought his acts to be all that spectacular.

However, honors and a ceremony dedicated to him was pretty nifty.

“So, now that my decree has been conveyed in its entirety, let’s get back to the fair, shall we?” Cadance dropped the formal tone turned to Shining, who had been standing a few feet to her side.

“Alright.” Shining agreed, nodding to Stryker and motioning for him to follow.

Cadance led the way, smiling widely as she saw all the ponies, her people, happy as can be.

It was getting a bit late though, so they would only have time for a few things here and there.

Lee was just walking along the road, his bourbon-filled cup empty by now, he saw Trevor and walked over to him, ready to take any verbal beating he might offer.

Trevor, for the most part, had forgotten about it, until Lee walked up to him.

“Hey, you fence-riding cunt, having a nice time grinding against the middle bit or whatever?… HEHEHE *coughing fit* fuck you.” *BANG* went his shotgun as he blasted…

Another stack of bottles in the bottle-toss game, Lee was unharmed, but very startled.

“JESUS! Um, hey, listen, about earlier...” Lee scratched the back of his head, his ears ringing slightly and his desire to get the issue over with overpowering his desire to run away from Trevor as fast as possible.

“Fuck off about earlier, it’s over, we won, I get my drugs, you get your… whatever you asked for, we move the hell on.” Trevor half-yelled, not realizing that he was not getting his drugs thanks to Sombra’s death..

“I already got it... it’s the protection of a good friend.”

“Sounds like a pretty shit wish from, like, a genie or whatever the fuck he was.”

“Well, everyone’s got a different wish about they want.” Lee said, shrugging.

“Some better than others…” Trevor squinted his eyes, considering shooting the pony running the stand.

“I can agree with that, but to them, it’s the most important thing they can have, period.”

“I suppose you’re right… say, who was this friend anyways?” The balding man put down his shotgun and starting piling prizes into a garbage bag.

“Uh, it was…” Lee thought about this.

(Trevor is weird, and easy to anger, be careful here.)

My childhood friend.

-> A little girl named Clementine.<-

Actually, it was my one of my parents.

My wife.

“A little girl, named Clementine.”

“WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF PEDOPHILE CUNT? I’LL GLACK YOU IN THE EVERYWHERE!”

“Wh... NO!!!”

“Then explain, now.” Trevor had his rifle aimed at Lee now.

“Well... you see, I was in this car...” Lee then began to think about what Trevor might have gone through, and decided to be honest here.

“What brand? I like cars.” Trevor had given Lee his attention, now Lee had his interest.

“It was… a Ford, or maybe a Chevy I think, I think, I didn’t really get much a glimpse at it.”

“Why not?”

“It was… well it was a cop car... when suddenly, walke-.”

“Oooo... bad day with the cops... I know that feeling.” Trevor seemed to calm down slightly, but still kept his aim.

“Yeah, I was arrested, I’d killed a state senator… b-but I didn’t mean to! I… he was sleeping with my wife, so I beat the shit out of him.”

“Grr... Ya know, you starting to remind me of Michael, not the one here, by the way.”

“Yeah, so he was a fat bastard, even fatter than you, Nikolai, and David all put together, and I uppercut him in the jaw. He was so fat, than when he fell down and his neck hit the edge of the countertop, it broke. Instant death, no intention.”

“Okay, that’s pretty fat, your wife musta had low standards.” Trevor laughed out loud, a hazy, grating, very derogative laugh, but he was visibly more relaxed now.

Lee smiled, glad to see Trevor relax. “So I got the treatment, tried, convicted of manslaughter, and sent to the big house, or at least, was being sent to the big house.”

“Did you escape the car?”

“Yeah, well, sort of... it was around that time that the walkers came about.”

“Your world ain’t got old-people movin’-’round contraptions?”

“No, no, I mean, like… zombies, they were like zombies, but the virus kind, the cop hit one, lost control of the car, and ended up tumbling down two stories of nearly sheer-drop ditch.”

“Damn, they shoulda taken his license away way before that, I can flatten a sidewalk's worth of innocent bystanders before I lose control.” Trevor laughed again.

“Yeah, so I woke up I don’t know how much time later, but I managed to kick out the window, limped over to the dead cop, un-cuffed myself, and then I got attacked.”

“So, that when you got bitten, considering your freaky powers?”

“No, the cop came back as a zombie, and I crawled backwards to the car, got his shotgun, and blew his head off.”

“Then when did ya get bit?”

“Almost five months later. Anyway, back to the point I was at, I then met and befriended a young girl, Clementine, she saved my life.”

“Yer kinda pathetic if ya got a kindergartener savin’ yer life.”

“First: She was eight, second: I was cornered by a walker, so she got me a hammer to kill it with. Fast forward some months, we got to Savannah Georgia via a train that was luckily still functional, we lost some people along the way, fought our way through the streets, hid out in a big house, almost like a mansion.”

“High standards in a no-rule-of-law world.”

“It was the first place that had sturdy walls and an unlocked door.”

“Oh, that makes sense, carry on.”

“So we lost another, a young guy, he was probably not even college age, name was Ben, and there was my good friend Kenny, he was stuck with me since Day 2, and I don’t really know what happened afterwards. I got bit when Clem ran off to some guy who claimed he had her parents with him.”

“So… was he a pedophile bastard?”

“No, just a man with a family that died, or at least, that’s what Sombra told me, we took some supplies from a car, it was his.”

“Ahhh... I gotcha... I’d be pissed too if someone took my-... no, stole my shit.”

“Yeah, so I didn’t really get a whole lot of chance to talk to him, I’d gotten bit in the street and made it to the hospital, only to get Sombra on me with his offer, so I took it, thinking I could save Clementine.”

“Didja get wasted?”

“No, I killed the guy with a bullet to the head, I got Clem, a pack of supplies, and a new weapon, and took all three to the edge of the city, then I got taken by Sombra and dropped off in that goddamn tundra out there.”

“So… that’s it?”

“Sombra musta cursed me with even more impactful decisions, ‘cause I got the jumping thing from choosing to help the daughter I never had, but I got the claws from having to pick a side.”

“Which you didn’t.” Trevor’s glare hardened, but he didn’t brandish any weapons.

“I’m sorry?”

“You’re riding the fence, Lee, you gotta choose some time, will it be the side that’s free, or the faggots?”

“I doubt that Stryker and David are faggots.”

“Well, they seem to want to stay here in fru-fru candy pony land.” Trevor fired another shot at a can on a nearby fence, right next to Lee.

“Stryker’s a cop, of course he’s gonna be on the good side, and David isn’t likely to be an evil bastard anytime soon.”

“That ain’t wut Ah said, I said fru-fru candy pony land.”

“David had the most normal life back home, and Stryker… well I mean, he got into something big, but I… okay I doubt he wants to go back, but I know David wouldn’t want to stay.”

“I don’t either, I want to go home, right now, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!” Trevor was angry, and threw a grenade high into the air, watching it blow up mid-flight.

“Well, maybe we can be democratic about this, I don’t want to go, Stryker more than likely doesn’t want to go, I doubt Nikolai wants to return to his own apocalypse, Michael doesn’t really care, so that’s 3:2, staying favored, with one vote nil.”

“Or we can be republican about this, I vote that home is my party’s choice, and home is where the heart is, so deal with your own problems and let me get my heart back.”

“Trevor, that doesn’t make any sense, then again, you’re Trevor, so…”

“That’s just what Michael said, and actually this was from both of them. You know what Lee...”

Steve: I vote 2 stay in diamond world.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP BLOCKY!” Trevor reprimanded.

“You know, maybe they don't have to send all of us back.” Weasel interjected.

“What do you mean?” Lee inquired.

“Well, we’re all, like from our own individually different worlds, right? I think? So why can’t we just… like… individually go back?” The Dude suggested.

Trevor once again realized that someone else had a point.

“I’d go back, mainly because there isn’t any sushi here, especially the crappy kind.”

“What’s wrong with good sushi?”

“Good sushi isn’t good, it tastes too asian.”

Steve: dats racist

“I actually hate everyone equally, so... whatever. I hate you... the kid did seem cool enough to let me want to add him on Facebook.”

Dovahkiin walked up to the group, wondering what the final verdict of the ‘go home’ notion would be.

“Well, I suppose the final answer is obvious. We all choose individually on if we want to go back.” Lee said, not noticing the kid.

Dovahkiin nodded, walking away.

“Alright, let’s tell the others. I’ll get Nick.“ Trevor got back into his truck and drove away.

Lee curled up and leapt from the area.

The Dude walked down an alleyway, exposing his privates all the while he was in the dark, just because he could.

Weasel looked for someplace with some food, anywhere would do, because he was hungry enough to eat…

Hmm...

*tak tak tak*

“Hm?” Rosetta Jewel looked at the human who had tapped on her side.

“Hey, uh, close your eyes.” Weasel instructed, taking out a sledgehammer.

“Um, okay.” the mare closed her eyes, unsure of what this great hero of her people wished to do.

'Maybe he wants to court me? Ooh, this is so exciting-' her thoughts were interrupted by a...

*SMASH* the mare’s head exploded into a shower of frosty liquids and crystal bits.

Weasel sat down and started eating the pre-crisped flesh.

After all, he was hungry enough to eat… a horse.

Or at least… a crystal pony, in this case.

“That is kinda creepy and moral horizoned, but then again, I’m in an alleyway with my penis out... so I guess it evens out.” The Dude said.

Weasel nodded, having no patience with trying to find food after literally going through hell and back and ending up in shiny crystal pony land.

Dovahkiin was simply moving around, not sure where to go now.

Then his phone rang. He answered and listened in.

“Hey, this is Vince Desi of Running With Scissors. We just noticed that you added The Dude to Facebook and color me impressed, you did just that. Doing that is impossible, he didn’t even add his wife, or rather, ex-wife... she just mailed him the divorce papers... haha...”

Dovahkiin hummed.

“So yeah, the employees are adding you to Facebook, and by employees, I mean me, Mike J, and the company itself.”

Dovahkiin then noticed that he had three new Facebook friends, thus increasing his power. He had now gained 129 friends of Facebook, and needed 11 more to get a power boost.

“Later you young fuck, I gotta call The Dude to tell him that he fucked up the headquarters with that nuke he placed at *BEEP*fish Interactive, and that he owes me $798,218.13 for relocation costs. Later.”

Dovahkiin hung up his phone and was about to pocket it again, when he heard, or rather saw, another outsider’s voice.

Steve: so, wat do u trade for?

Dovahkiin gave the tall survivalist a look of confusion.

Steve: oh right, too young to trade, say… what’s that item?

Dovahkiin tapped out a message, then sent it through a series of internet tubes known as search engines and social media websites.

Steve: hold on, I just got a Skype message… okay, a phone, right, I kno wat tose r, I’ve just nvr seen 1 for real.

*nod yes*

Steve: rite, so, I’m gonna get some more diamonds, then I’ll go bak home maybe, my sheep farm needs harvestin

*nod yes*

Steve: say, ya dont speak much, do you?

*nod no*

Steve? nodded back and turned around, sprinting away.

Dovahkiin heard a notification sound from his phone and found that Steve had added him on Facebook raising his total to 133 friends.

He was about to make his way to the castle, but then...

“So, how come you and that other guy are wearing the same kinda clothes?” Spyro asked, hovering in place.

Dovahkiin merely shrugged, pretty sure that this was typical adult stupidity.

“Right, okay, just wondering, talk to ya later.” Spyro flew off.

Dovahkiin made it a record ten feet before...

“So, what’s yer name son?” Coach asked, squatting down in front of the young boy.

Dovahkiin showed Coach his Facebook profile.

“Dovahkiin... weird name...” He found himself adding the Kid to Facebook without acknowledging it, bringing his total to 134, “So, I guess that’s all I was wondering, see ya later, I’m gonna get some more pie. Ain't much in the way of some real food, but it'll be the most wholesome thang I've eaten in the past six months.” the portly man stood up and walked off.

“What the hell do you mean, I owe you?” The Dude said on his phone.

“Hey, you told me to get you attention, so I did that.”

“Well if you didn’t want me to nuke Paradise, you could’ve said so.”

“Fuck you Vince.” The Dude hung up.

“Well Champ, we may just actually be taking the way to Los Santos to escape the IRS or whatever other money collectors that may try and kill us from here on out.” The Dude said to his dog.

*BARK*

Dovahkiin walked in the opposite direction of this guy, taking a right out of the alleyway.

He heard slurping and nomming sounds.

He saw Weasel eating the body of a dead crystal pony.

The young boy promptly turned 180 degrees around and walked away, hearing some noises that probably equated to being forcibly arrested by the authorities.

Dovahkiin sighed to himself, and realized something.

Adults here were as stupid as any other adults, and that wasn’t going to change anytime soon.

“Hey kid, I can get you back to the castle without any more interruptions, how’s that sound?” David asked, stepping towards the kid.

Dovahkiin looked at the younger looking man, and nodded.

He walked directly opposite of where David was pointing.

-Fifteen Seconds Later-

“Hey, listen kid, I’m going to ask you once, and once only, betray those idiots and join the Organization, we could use someone like you.” The strangely-clothed man greeted.

Dovahkiin looked up at him, seeing bloodlust and hate in his eyes.

He nodded no, then pulled out a small bag of 'magical dreaming dust', AKA sand to throw into people's eyes.

“Hey kid, it’s not safe to... OH SHIT!” David pulled out his sword, recognizing the clothes of the man, and joined the Dovahkiin in his party.

Dovahkiin put a hand up in a 'wait a minute' gesture, it was his turn first, after all.

“Turns? Why am I doing turn-based fighting?” David asked incredulously.

Dovahkiin shrugged, and held up his small bag again.

The Organization Reconnaissance Agent looked at Dovahkiin.

Dust of Dreams

O.R.A. was surprised when Dovahkiin walked up to him, then threw sand in his eyes.

He yelped in pain, then fell to one knee when Dovahkiin punched him in the balls.

Now, it was David’s turn.

He took out his revolvers, and held them out akimbo style.

Knee Capped

David ran to the O.R.A. and proceeded to shoot him in the kneecaps, stunning him further, while also causing a bleeding effect.

“I can’t believe it was that easy.” David remarked, getting back into position.

It would have been the O.R.A’s turn, had he not been stunned.

Dovahkiin pulled out his new Blacker Glacker 1143.

*SHING-BANG* a perfect shot.

Well over two thousand damage, but the O.R.A. didn’t look nearly ready to give up yet.

It was David’s turn again.

“I’m gonna try something stupid.”

Doesn’t Work

David took his sword, and threw it at the O.R.A.

The pommel hit him in the face, and made him Pissed Off, but it failed to stun.

The O.R.A. was still stunned, because Dovahkiin had the Rank 5 Dust of Dreams, making it last 2 turns.

Dovahkiin prepared another spell.

Dragon’s Breath

He pulled out a Roman Candle, lighting it with a lighter and aiming it at the still-stunned O.R.A.

*poof-poof-poof, poof poof, FWOOSH* a big finish, a Burning status de-buff, and about 387 armor melted off.

“My turn, apparently.”

David decided to use his special ability, ‘iPod music’ to play some dubstep.

Rave

The effect boosted the attack stats of the two warriors, but lowered their defences, a risky move for the two.

David then decided to use his sword to just attack. He went up to the O.R.A. and slashed a few times, right before kicking him and running off quickly.

The O.R.A. took a sharp blow to his armor and defense, but his level of Pissed Off-ness made him look at David with lurid, murderous intent.

David then realized what he had done for the past two turns.

“Crap.” He said quietly.

The O.R.A. had the Swiftness passive, and he used it to first pull up his radio and call for assistance.

Backup.org

“I’ll need some extra pairs of hands to kill these fools.” he said, glaring at David.

“On their way.” the radio person replied.

*VWOOSH* another agent, this one an Organization Guerilla Agent, appeared out of a phasing of light in the dim street.

The O.G.A. didn’t have a sword like the O.R.A., rather he was dual-wielding a tomahawk and a nail hammer.

The O.R.A. then raised his sword high, activating a laser pointer.

Orbital Strike

David gulped as a thin laser beam came firing down from the heavens, slashing at him like an impossibly hot sword.

“GRAHH, THAT BURNS!!! LIKE HABANERO PEPPERS ON A PAPER CUT!!!”

The O.G.A. pulled out a squeeze bottle filled with a slightly yellowish-clear liquid.

Don't waste the waste

*SQUIIIIIRRRRRT* it was urine.

Both Dovahkiin and David were afflicted with Grossed Out, David almost instantly throwing up because he’d grit his teeth in pain before and got some of the foul liquid on his teeth and in his mouth.

Dovahkiin’s turn.

He started by throwing up a little, then deciding to give David a Cure Potion.

David looked at the bottle of water in his hand, and decided against drinking it, “Here, you look like you need it more.” he handed it back to the visibly weaker kid.

The blond boy drank the cleansing water down, settling his stomach and curing the Grossed Out effect, then decided that, since David didn’t look like he was going to survive much longer, he would switch out his buddy for another.

Buddy Swap

David felt himself being pushed back slightly as a visibly overweight young boy walked into the scene from stage left.

“Alright King Douchebag, let’s do this, you and me, and... this guy…” Cartman looked back at David, who was now standing behind him.

“The name’s David Vulakh, and you are?” David was still wondering how this kid had shown up.

“Grand Wizard Cartman, leader of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep, or KKK for short.” Cartman greeted.

David nearly snarled in disgust and facepalmed, this kid couldn’t really be that oblivious, could he?

‘My GOD, where do these crazy fucks come from?’

He decided that, if Dovahkiin could summon someone, why couldn’t he?

Ally Swap

Michael suddenly walked in from stage left, wondering what mysterious force had summoned him here.

“It seems that I am now in a sort of turn-based battle system, this is peculiar, but acceptable.” he readied up for his turn.

Dovahkiin pulled out his Crystal Spear and delivered two Perfect Attacks to the O.G.A., hitting the O.R.A. with the Sweeping Strikes natural ability.

Both enemies stopped and convulsed, then the O.R.A. shivered as he shakily batted at his flaming head, trying to extinguish himself as he threw up.

The O.G.A. wasn’t affected by the statuses because of his Guerilla armor, but still took heavy damage and was Bleeding x5.

Magic Missile

Cartman pulled out a menstrual pad, shouted “MAGIC MISSILE!” he threw it at the O.G.A., hitting him in the face and dealing Gross Out damage, but not the status.

He then pulled out a can of aerosol and a lighter.

Flame Strike

“You want some of this bro?” he challenged as he flicked the lighter on and sprayed flames at the O.R.A., dealing high damage and topping off the Burning effect.

David’s turn, he pulled out his iPod again, turning the volume to max and setting it to ‘Sample Shuffle’

Symphonic Chaos

He and Michael got an Attack Boost from a Battle Song, both enemies took a blast of Electric damage from an EDM track and were put to sleep by a Trance track, the whole group got 3 layers of shields and Damage x2 from a Heavy Metal song, and finally David got a Time-Out from a Classical track, making him unable to do anything, but also immune to all damage while he was the effect lasted.

Michael used a minor action.

Rules Lawyer

The O.R.A. had 19000/25000 health, the O.G.A. had 17500/20000 health.

“Wrong, you should have been taking much more bleeding damage than that, and your armor was reduced, so you took even more damage from the Flame Strike.” He chastised the enemies for their cheating ways.

O.R.A.: 16000/25000 health.

O.G.A.: 15000/20000 health.

“Much better.” Michael stepped back and cast his spell.

Malignant Flurry

A pair of Necrotic Magic Missiles flew out of his hands, hitting both Agents for a good bit of damage, then he swung his hands downwards from overhead and summoned a Demon Scythe.

The Demon Scythe went tumbling end-over-end towards the two agents, cutting their armor ratings in half and dealing high dark damage.

They were woken up by this, however.

The O.R.A. tried to pat out the flames to no success, throwing up in the process.

Mark for Death

He looked at Dovahkiin, who seemed to head this whole fight, and threw a needle at him.

Dovahkiin blocked, just barely, breaking the needle in half, but still taking damage and getting Bleeding x1.

The O.R.A. then pulled out a Homeostasis Potion, removing his de-buffs and giving him Stability, which blocks all statuses, both bad and good.

The O.G.A. pulled out a bottle with a coating of frost on it.

Deep Freeze

He threw it at the group, watching the nitroglycerin and liquid nitrogen mixture explode violently between the four targets, inflicting Bleeding x1, Slowness, and major frost damage.

Dovahkiin’s turn again, he pulled out a bucket of water and a car battery, dragging both over to the O.G.A.

The agent didn’t need long to put two and two together, and he had the Just Human passive.

Lightning Volt

*SPLASH*

*bzzt, bzzt, BZZT, BZZT, BZZZZZZZHOCK* Dovahkiin excited the current, then pulled off a more practiced move by smashing the O.G.A.’s toes with the hard metal clamps, then dropping them into the water.

The O.G.A. was stunned, his muscles overloaded with electricity and needing time to recover.

Cartman looked at the two agents, walked up to the center of the battlefield, placed down a lit lighter, turned around, pulled down his pants, and unleashed his inner power.

Burning Cloud

Both agents were shocked by the immense power of the ignited fart.

‘Oh man, that’s gross.’ David made a disgusted look. He was still in a passive mode thanks to the classical music, so Michael’s turn was next instead.

Michael started with another...

Rules Lawyer

“Technically, by the mechanics and workings of conventional flamethrowers, and the possibilities of such mechanics being applied in a more rudimentary sense-”

“Oh my God, shut up you fucking dictionary!” Cartman yelled out.

“YOU TWO SHOULD BE ON FIRE!” Michael summed up the rest of his statement in the presence of this rushing.

“I’m wearing Guerilla armor smartass, it protects me from your bullshit statuses.” The O.G.A. pointed out in a snarky tone.

Michael looked the man in the eye, walking up to him with an angry frown.

“It’s the rules, dictionary dude, ya can't break'em just 'cause you don't like that his armor blocks de-buffs.” Cartman explained simply, trying to stop Michael from cheating.

Michael had a divine wrath burning in his eyes.

Crystal Storm

He yelled incomprehensibly as he launched a shower of sharp crystal shards at the O.G.A., tearing his armor and his flesh to shreds.

“I ENFORCE THE RULES OF REALITY, BITCH!” He spat on the quivering, almost-dead body, kicking it in the side and walking back to his spot.

The O.R.A. was shocked by this development, and used his minor action.

Actually Doing My Job

“HQ, report, the smart one is developing a more solid grasp on active knowledge and the utilization of emotions, report over.”

“This is not good. You may need to regroup. Fall back!”

“Copy that.” The O.R.A. pulled out a small remote, pressing a series of buttons and phasing away with a small conflagration of blue light.

“Get the fudge out!” Cartman cheered.

“We won? G-Good.” David said as he sheathed his sword.

“Yes, the battle is over.” Michael

The Dude walked up to the group, who had just finished the battle, and found himself impressed.

“Wow... that was the most awesome thing that I’ve never done in my life. Here kid, I wanna try and do a battle like that sometime, it was… cool.” He said as he gave Dovahkiin a ‘Bad Touch Krotchy’ doll with voice box action. Dovahkiin pressed the (awkwardly placed) button.

“Don’t touch me there! I’m calling my lawyer.” It spoke one of three phrases it had.

“If you press that button, I’ll come here and sic my dog on some dude’s balls. I can only do this once a day. Why? There’re cops, no matter what world we’re in and because Champ already has a taste for blood as it is. Also, some dudes may have cups, so it’s better to not bother at that point anyway. Later kid.” The Dude walked away, confident that he’ll have his dog make some unlucky douchetard sterile.

Dovahkiin nodded and put the doll away, right before his phone rang again. He picked it up.

It was Vince.

“Hey kid, I got a job for you, The Dude owes us money, and you’re the only guy we know who’s in the same world he’s in. I want you to beat him up. We’d send Mike J, but he’s been roughed up thanks to becoming a Mad Cow Tourettes Zombie, and The Dude beating the living shit out of him enough times to cure his Mad Cow disease, which doesn’t make much damn sense now that I think about it, but fuck it... beat the shit out of Dude, and I’ll wire you with some money. Got it?”

Dovahkiin had a thoughtful look, but ultimately denied the request.

“Smart kid, I like that. I might just hire you one day as a real hit-err... diplomat for my company. I got one up on hold for you though, he’s the Easter Bunny, fucker’s killing the consumer base. Come to South Park, where we’re now headquartered, and help us kick his ass, when you come back of course. Later bitch.”

Vince hung up, and Dovahkiin put the phone away.

“So, Michael, who’re these jackasses?” David asked the infinite knowledge carrier.

“I’m getting to that right... Wait... This cannot be!”

“What is it?”

“These people... they’re... blanks.”

“Blanks?”

“Blank pages. Nothing on them or their world, no location of origin, nothing on who they work for, what their cause is... they’re basically...” Michael found himself silent. For all his years of working for various players, there was one thing he was good at, having information. For there to be nothing to get on what were actual people that were actually fighting his group, was blasphemy, it was a blasphemy against the Elder Gods themselves.

“Am I missing something here?” Cartman asked.

Dovahkiin motioned for Cartman to go back home.

“Alright, I am being seriously right now, I’m not sure what the fuck is going on here, so.... Screw you guys, I’m goin’ home!” Cartman walked off, leaving an indifferent Dovahkiin, a catatonic Michael, and a concerned David.

“So, we don’t know who’s been trying to KILL ME!?”

“No... No... NO!” Michael was about to freak out, but David slapped him.

“Get a hold of yourself, we’ll just kidnap one of them and have Trevor rough him up. Got it.” David said, thinking about other ways to get information.

“You mean torture?”

“As long as it isn’t me doing it, and I’m fine with doing it to a murderer. Alright?” David was sweating profusely, clearly scared.

“You are not thinking clearly David.”

“Fuck yeah, I’m not... there is a person dead by my hands, all in self-defence. I can’t take much more Mike, you have to help me!”

“Okay, give me a second, I must contact the Elder Gods.”

“AGAIN WITH THESE ELDER GODS?” David was freaking out.

Michael pushed him away, pulling out a small white cellphone with a black circle marking its brand, which was no brand at all.

“Hello?”

“Hello?”

“Which one is this?”

“Redigit, you sound familiar.”

“Ah, Redigit, yes, thank you that it’s you, this is Michael.”

“Ah, the guide, why are you calling?”

“There’s a problem, I found some blanks.”

“Oh shit, I’ll contact the great Google the Wise, see what’s up, hold on, my divine connection is a bit slow right now.”

“I can wait for a minute, maybe two, it depends on if someone else tries to come and kill us.”

“Okay, so… um, it seems that the only blanks there are, are The End beings and some group called The Organization, we have no further information than those two names, but I think they might have something in common.”

“What’s that?”

“I know from the reports that The End exists in The Void, and I think The Organization may be using The Void as cover, if they have access to it, then they have pretty much infinite reach.”

“The Void, I… does anyone here know of The Void?”

Steve: dont dig 2 deep, o & yeah I do

“Okay, Redigit, patch me through to Mojang, Steve? is here.”

“Alright… *beep boop bop* Helloo?”

“Hello, this is Michael, the guide, collector of all knowledge.”

“Ah, yes, this is personality Jeb, how may I help you?”

“What can you tell me about The End and The Void?”

“...Let me get the notes.”

-The Next Day-

After a hectic first day with a slightly less hectic first night, Michael was still awake, having no physical need for sleep, and playing the recording the instructions on how to get to The End.

Steve? stayed up with him, wondering and having his questions about why the night lasted so long answered during the brainstorming process.

“So, we need to select a group of mentally stable individuals, they will have to go to the Canterlot Mountain and find the Stronghold of The End, then travel to The End itself and gather information from the natives."

Steve: or we can hitch a ride on an Enderman

“I considered that, but how will we get them to come here again?”

Steve: they hate the endermites, little bugs dat result from gliches in reality wen som1 ender teleports

“Alright, we’ll need to perform an Ender Teleport, do you have any of those pearls?”

Steve: 4

Michael nodded.

“So, we’ll need to get the others. Trevor will not join the party for sure, mainly, and by mainly I mean solely, because of his... explosive personality.”

Steve: how explosive?

“Well... Johnny Klebitz is lucky to have a relatively intact face.” Michael cringed at the info of the dead biker’s autopsy report, and some memories of the people work for Trevor.

Steve: oh... AHHH... looked at Youtube vid... not pretty

“Not at all. Albert’s been arrested apparently. Not one hour into this world, and he’s been imprisoned for murder and cannibalism... he might be less than sane too.”

Steve: pass?

“Yes. The Postal Dude is a sociopath, and rather psychotic at times. He’s out. Lee has some issues, but for the most part, he’s stable. Coach is the same, but with less issues. Dovahkiin has a surprising amount of power for a child, so he's coming. You and I are the constituent parts of the plan. Stryker is capable, as is Nikolai, even if both are a bit odd. Spyro may not desire to deal with these very... both literally and figuratively dark arts. So that's that then.”

Steve: Trevor, Weasel, Postal Dude, Spyro arnt comin, bring the rest.

“Yes, alright, we’ve got our plan.”

Steve: Wat bout David?

Michael paused, right before speaking.

“David’s a special case so far. His sanity is starting to falter thanks to the events of the past twenty four hours. But his reactions are genuine, and realistic. I believe he’s stable enough to come with us. I still wonder why these men want him dead so desperately? Nikolai’s a trained killer, Lee has powers from the infected of Coach’s world, I’m nigh infinitely intelligent, Stryker’s a highly capable fighter and Trevor is... well... but David has practically no credentials, no combat experience, he has the bare minimum of weapons knowledge...”

“And to top it all off, I’m unhealthy and physically weak.” David added, not amused by Michael’s rather insulting rant.

“Oh... hello David.” Michael awkwardly replied.

“Hey guys. So, any luck?”

“Well... the Elder Gods did some cross-referencing, and found out that there are two potential threats to us, one of them is a woman, who, may I add, is highly unknown, even to all but one her employers, that is code-named Agent 4.”

“Agent 4?”

“Yes, she decided to take some Asian ideology for that codename, and a man that is codenamed ‘Condition One’, or CO for short.”

“Like, ‘Hammer cocked, safety on’ as an image?”

Steve: ya. these guys want u ded 4 sum reason

“Yes...” Michael paused. “I also came to some rather disturbing knowledge.”

“What?”

“The land where the Elder Gods reside, AKA The Great Above, those two and the Organization have direct access to the only area connected to it, The Void, the space between universes.”

“So, what does that mean?” David asked, shrugging.

“It means, they may know everything about everyone here!” Michael yelled out, seemingly frightened.

Steve: even the dude?

“Yes, even him.” Michael shook his head.

“Jesus...” David found himself breathless.

“With any luck, however, we may just find a way to stop them.” The light-brown-haired man said, hope and fear prominent in his words.

“I hope you’re right...” David began, feeling a bit hopeless.

“...I really do.” David's words came from the speaker loud and clear.

Condition One turned off the bug he'd planted on David, and turned towards Agent 4.

“That damn Blue Comet.” She muttered.

“Relax, I’ll go to that world, and personally speak to him on my behalf, maybe take out the assassin too.” He said, working the slide of his Five-seveN pistol.

“They now know of...”

“Earth Alpha, yes I know... luckily, we’re zeroing in on two potential subjects that’ll help us get to these idiots.” CO pulled up a screen with a map of the U.S.A. on it.

“Who?”

“A man who resides in the state of California, and another in the state of Texas.”

“Oh, two of the biggest states in the USA, brilliant work so far.” Agent 4 snarked.

“We’ve eliminated Northern California and the Mountains so far for one of them, but we’re having trouble finding the other one, as we can gather no real traces of a specific location for the Texan, he appears to shift to Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana often, so it may be that he doesn’t have a permanent residence or we’ve overlooked something, and I doubt someone with either of these two guys’ power would not have a settled house.”

“So, who should I kill?” She asked, taking out the balisong knife she kept.

“Michael, he’s the one who knows everything. Be glad that every agent we got has a special implant that makes tracking impossible, and be thankful its hidden inside your left kidney, 4.”

“Hmm... any strings attached? Last time we went against Damon’s wishes, he threw me through 7 walls, several cubicles, and a coffee table made of mahogany, right before he tossed me into my version of the Ca-.”

“What the leader doesn’t know, won’t hurt us.” CO interrupted, smirking under his mask. “As for Michael, once you’ve killed him, a monster will be released, so run, fast. Also, watch out for David, he’s actually very good with guns, very lucky with them too, extremely lucky.”

“And what makes you think that?”

CO chuckled, and took off his mask, revealing curly brown hair and a pair of blue eyes that seemed to be overflowing with malice and insanity.

“It takes one to know one.” The alternate dimension man replied, snarling as his blue eyes locked with the hazel eyes of the original David in the picture.

He brought the handle of his S&W500 down on the keyboard, shutting off the image, then turned around and walked towards the teleporter room, his dual MP5s in his hands and ready to spray Blue Comet the Traitor to death.

Author's Note

so, after I forget how long, and a shitty save, it's out

on that shitty save, I was halfway done with the format-replacing, then my tabs crashed and re-opened, so I was kicked back from 1/2 done to 1/10 done, FUUUUUCK MEEEEE

so... TWIST ENDING!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yeah, alt David? yep

if you want more details on Earth Alpha, want to know who Blue Comet is, or just want more words to read, check out Hexed Lives for all those things

The Lady in White, the Villain in Red

-Crystal Kingdom, northwest field-

Trevor watched as Michael took the Ender Pearl in hand, throwing it far, far away, towards the others in the ‘Going to The End’ group.

“So remember Trevor, help the other three hold down the fort while we’re gone, and we may put back two from our group to help, do you understand? Also, there is a chance that, like the first three, this pearl may fail to summon an Endermite, so be prepared for that.” Michael asked.

“Yeah yeah, get out of here ya fuckin’ walking encyclopedia.” Trevor replied, waving a hand as he spun his Heavy Revolver around on his finger.

Michael disappeared in a puff of purple particles right as a wave of blue light appeared and a black-clad figure stabbed the air that had Michael in it a few seconds prior.

Agent 4 yelped in pain as Trevor’s baseball hit her in the head, knocking her unconscious.

The balding man stood over the fallen agent, picking her up, binding her arms and legs with ropes, putting her in the back of his truck, and driving back to the castle.

Michael appeared in front of the others in a burst of purple particles.

A few tense seconds passed as the group shared a collective bated breath.

A giant purple worm appeared near Michael’s feet, and he jumped thirteen feet into the air to avoid it, landing several feet away.

The others nearly screamed at how huge the worm-like insect was, it was easily a foot thick and a good foot and a half long.

*VORP*

Suddenly, a lanky, black-skinned figure appeared in a cloud of purple sparkles.

The Enderman had detected a glitch in this area, and immediately came to sort it out.

Michael began receiving information on the Enderman, and he pulled out his White Phasesaber, which had been upgraded from the Phaseblade that Steve? had given him with about fifty shards of crystals. He raised it in a defensive stance.

The others finally got a chance to examine the black figure a bit more closely.

The Enderman was tall, really tall, almost 10 feet tall, with slim, speedy limbs, a thinly muscled torso, purple flames wisping out of its shoulders, piercing purple eyes, and a slightly glowing mouth.

The Enderman turned to the others after crushing the wretched Endermite into mush.

*growak, kalf, kay-yak.* it raspily informed.

“Michael? Translation?” Stryker requested.

“It’s assuring us he came not to harm us, but to destroy this glitch. My own gains tell me that the Endermen are a sort of... police force for all of existence, and they have a knowledge power similar to mine, but rather than learning everything about everything, they learn only a list of your physical, lawful, and moral crimes, and most people are too bad to let live.”

Steve: wow, I feel terible now, theyv been ataking me 4 yrs

“Yes, it can only do this when locking eyes, however. I will now communicate with him.” Michael cleared his throat.

*grahka-lahk, coo-ahk, jivah?* Michael asked in a inflection that most would injure their throat attempting to perform.

*dreeyahg, garble, gurrrgg.* The Enderman answered.

“So, Eduardo here is willing to bring six of us to The End. However, Lee and Dovahkiin, you two must stay behind.”

“Why?” Lee asked, coughing up some more bile.

*kiek, grack, fffeejjjjarook.* Eduardo explained.

“You are tainted, and Dovahkiin is an enemy.”

“How the hell am I an enemy?” Dovahkiin charaded.

“The End is led by the Ender Queen, the great Ender Dragon, she is enemies with all other dragons, for she is the lady of beginnings.”

“I thought it was The End, not The Beginning.” Coach remembered hearing ‘The End’.

“The End is as The Beginning. In the beginning, there was nothing, and in the end, there too, will be nothing, we are technically in The Middle.”

“Enough of this storytime bullshit, are we going or not?” David snapped the metaphorical train back on track.

“Dovahkiin’s dragon powers make him an enemy of the Ender Dragon, and Lee is tainted, so you two won’t be joining us.” Michael commanded, looking to Eduardo again.

*jeeee, kark ikirge, gizheeeek.* Eduardo opened his wide, soul-consuming maw, looking to the sky.

His shoulder flames flared up, and he teleported away.

“He is checking to make sure if it is okay that we may receive some Ender Flames, which would allow us to go to The End at will without any other devices.” Michael translated.

David took a few steps back, thinking the situation over and holding the paper to his face for Maxwell to read.

‘So, potatoes, the opposite of a potato is… a patata, potato patata, poe-tay-toe, oh-toe-tap, toe tap? Tapped, toes, toes that are tapped, tapping practices get sap from trees, sap, sweet like honey, on toast, like butter and jelly, jellies and jams.’

‘Shut up, shut up, SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WITH ADD OR SOME SHIT!’

‘We need toejam-'

'And Earl?' David internally smirked at that well-timed joke.

'No... shut up, I need to concentrate to abstractly construct the possibilities of opposites, but I think I know… HOLY SHIT THIS IS A CODED PART OF THE LUSAR CODEX!’

‘The what?’

‘The Lusar Codex is the light counterpart of the dark arts manual that is Umbra Codex, and this is part of it, if I’m not mistaken, that number in the corner reads Page 48 of 1000, which is the page of the Mind Fragment spell in the Umbra Codex, so this is a Mind Defragment spell, or Mind Reconstruction, this would useful, if only you had a fragmented being.’

‘Last time I checked, I’m me, so… it’s useless.’

‘Not entirely, it may turn out that something is missing, I have noticed a large hole in your mental faculties, a hole where things pertaining to malice and insanity would go. You have been doubting your own sanity, but from what I’ve been able to gather, you have this world’s most stable mind. Even with all of my power over nightmares and terrors bearing down on you, you would still be fine.’

‘I doubt that, you’re driving me crazy right now.’

‘No, I’m making you mad, and I apologize, I’ll just keep that spell ready, if you ever need to cast it, merely shout Luces Crueshes Replueces the Puces.’

‘That sounded like you just made up a really forced rhyme.’

‘It’s just the spell, don’t question the spell, it will do exactly as intended, bring the fragments of your being back into your control.’

‘Cool, oh hey look, you’ve translated it, now shut up, and never speak again.’

‘As you wish, because I am a man of my honor.’

‘Good.’

‘One last thing.’

‘What?’

‘Dont you dare play any more of that... ‘dubstep’ again. It’s loud, annoying, and makes me want to listen to that horrid ragtime song again just to drown it out.’

‘Everyone’s a critic.’ David noted to himself as he grabbed Eduardo's hand in order to be teleported to

“Uhhh....” Agent 4 stirred

“Wakey wakey, spy girl...” A voice called out.

The woman soon found herself waking up to two men, eight ponies, and two dragons.

“Oh... this is fantastic.” Agent 4 said, looking at Trevor.

“Yep, I sorta saw you try to stab my friend after he left, and I knocked you out.” Trevor informed, recreating the swing with his baseball bat.

“Hmm... the last human still behind bars?” The gray-clad agent asked, referring to Albert.

“He killed one of my subjects in cold blood, and then started eating the remains.” Cadence said with a strong trace of anger and disgust.

“To be honest, I never expected him to snap like that. I was expecting the other two humans here to do exactly that.” Shining said, looking at Trevor and The Dude.

“Not that huge of a stretch.” Spyro said, looking at the methhead.

“Yeah, onto bidness. Why the hell were you stalking us?” Trevor said as he took out a knife.

“I don’t know? Why are you so insane? Was it because of ‘Mr. Townley’.” Agent 4 mocked.

Trevor took his knife to her throat and snarled.

“Don’t you dare mention that name.”

“What about Mr. Clinton? The Union Depository?”

“YOU... got a deathwish!”

“Trevor, that’s enough!” Twilight yelled out.

“You stay out of this!” Trevor snapped back.

“Don’t ya dare talk ta Twilight like that, ya crazy man!” Applejack stood in between the two.

“Yeah, you really want to throw down, Trevor? We’ll throw down.” Rainbow Dash put up her dukes.

“Please do, it’ll be amusing.” Agent 4 said, subtly taking her balisong out from her wrist sheath.

“Be quiet, you... you...” Rarity shouted back, her expression saying what her mouth wouldn't, which was the word 'bitch'.

“Manners ma’am, you have an image to keep up.” Agent 4 mocked, doing a good impression of the white mare.

“Why you...” Rarity grit her teeth, but stayed calm.

“Hold on, tell me, who are you?” Shining demanded.

“Confidential.”

“Well then... I suppose we need to make you talk then.” Trevor walked out of the room.

“What does he mean by that?” Shining asked.

“I don’t know.” Pinkie asked.

“Well, I guess you seven have to leave now.” The Dude said.

“Why?” Spike asked.

“Just a hunch. Leave.”

With no reason to argue, the six ponies and dragon left, just as Trevor came in with a full sack.

“Oh, what’s in the sack?” Cadence asked.

“Just some needed supplies.” Trevor said as he placed some of the stuff down on a nearby table.

There was a car battery, a canister of gasoline, a pair of pliers, and a large monkey wrench.

‘Oh no, it’s this.’ Agent 4 thought with only a tiny amount of dread.

“And what’s this?” Shining asked.

“Oh... I know what all of this is for.” The Dude mused as he leaned against the wall.

Trevor raised his hands and walked towards Shining, Cadence and Spyro. The three backed up from him, all the way out of the room, which gave Trevor room to close the door and lock the trio out.

“You do realize that my mask isn’t attached to my face, right?” Agent 4 said, clearly annoyed at this scene happening again.

Trevor slapped her, hard, and triple locked the room, ensuring that this process would go uninterrupted.

The Dude suppressed a chuckle, watching from the far corner of the room.

Trevor pulled an scalpel from the sack, bringing it up and making an incision across 4’s cheek, then he ripped off her mask, making sure the edges of the cut in the mask scraped at the wound.

A white face met his own, with angry blue eyes and the very short remains of an indigo mane that had faced a buzz-cut in order to fit it into a concealing suit.

“Holy shit... another Rarity, one that looks like a human!” Trevor shouted, informing those who hadn’t caught on as he found himself amused by this turn of events.

“Anthropomorphic, you idiot, get it right.” Rarity snapped, snarling and baring her teeth at him.

“How am I supposed to know that word?” Trevor said, moving up from a scalpel to a switchblade and making another incision across her forehead. Rarity winced, but still snarled.

“So, who hired you?” The torturer asked again

“I’d rather die than give away secrets like that.”

“Alrighty then... fine by me. Get the rag Dude.”

The Dude smirked as he took out a dirty towel, then reached for the gasoline.

“Mr. K is still angry at you Trevor.”

“Not as much as he’s pissed at Mr. Haines, who I killed.“ Trevor said with pride.

Trevor replaced the switchblade with a bowie knife, cutting a large T in Rarity’s stomach.

“Y’know, this is really nothin’ personal… well actually that’s the only reason… it’s not because yer you, it’s because you were trying to kill my friend.”

“I just came here, so you have little basis for this.” Rarity tried to logic Trevor into confusion.

Too bad that, just as you can't break an already broken mind, you can't logic a crazy man, “Where’s the fun in makin’ sense?” Trevor pushed the mare backwards, flattening her out into a laying position, then let the Dude laid the towel on her face.

“Alright, this is gonna be very wet!” Trevor took the gas canister and poured the gasoline on her rag-covered face.

By instinctual reflex, Agent 4 felt like she was drowning, and so she struggled against her bonds, getting his wrists scratched up by the rough leather bonds. Her limbs went cold as she continued to struggle and her body felt numb in a response to the supposed lack of air.

Trevor decided to give her a break... for about 5 seconds, right before repeating the process again.

Trying to stop herself from freaking out, Agent 4 tried to wrench her foot loose.

That only resulted in her getting a wrench to the foot.

“GAAHH” she screamed, muffled by the soaked towel.

“Ah ah, no tricks.” The Dude chastised the mare, hefting the wrench up again.

Trevor decided that this part of the torture was coming to the end of its entertainment value, and lit the towel on fire.

“GRAH... YOU... AHH...” Agent 4 yelped through the flames.

“I’m sorry... NOT!” Trevor began to stomp on her face to put the fire out, laughing in his grating, offensive laugh, and repeatedly causing blunt force trauma to her face.

The laughing man removed the charred towel from her face, and found that her eyes didn’t seem to be damaged at all.

Trevor decided to fix that.

Out came a pair of brass knuckles.

“You have to give those back later.” The Dude said to Trevor.

“In another world, Rarity, we’re married, and this is classified as domestic abuse.” Trevor said as he punched her in the side of the face, causing a sick *CRUNCH* and making blood leak from the corner of her eye.

“Of course... hehehe. There are infinite universes... hehe... and there’s especially one where Franklin and Michael stab you in the back, and kill you to appease Haines!”

Trevor pulled out a pair of spiked handcuffs.

“YOU FUCKING...” Trevor couldn’t even make words correctly.

He took her arms out of the binds, then cuffed them, making sure the spikes dug into her flesh as deeply and painfully as possible.

“AHHHHhhhhhhh.... yep, never seen that before... You know... *pant* *pant* you try too hard.” Rarity mocked, however she knew that this excessive force would soon end her life if she didn’t act fast.

He forced her to sit up and brought his broken bottle down into her back several times.

Rarity moaned in pain, feeling a nauseating shock to her lower back.

“Are you actually enjoying this? Fucking masochist.”

“Not really darling, just used to the pain.” She corrected, feeling indignant at being called something so unprofessional a masochist.

“Wow... that’s unbelievably hot.” The Dude found himself aroused slightly.

Trevor, on the other hand, vowed to make her scream in pain, and laid several used needles on the back of the table, setting her down onto them.

“Okay... so... we’ll do this the hard way... Get the battery, and the jumper cables.”

Rarity grit her teeth, “In some places, one might think this is some sort of gateway from torture to rape, it all depends on where you put the clamps.”

“In some places, you SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I GIVE UP AND BLOW YOUR GODDAMN HEAD OFF!” Trevor pulled out a pair of knife blades, the handles having been removed, and stabbed them into her legs.

“*URG* P-please, jumper ca-cables and... and a car battery... y-you have little originality.” Rarity snarked, but with her blood loss, she was starting to feel weak.

The balding man attached one set of the cables to the battery, then the other set to the tangs of the asian blades.

*click-BZZZZZRRRT BUZZZZZZZZ-click* The shock was intense, however it had cauterized her wounds.

“Okay... that’s... a new one. *Cough cough*” She hadn’t been expecting such an intense shock, but with a metal catalyst like he had, and a vantage point that sent the current directly into her muscles and nerves, it was nearly fatal.

“Now... who ordered you to spy on us?” Trevor said.

“Nobody did, I came to this Equus on my own free will, but if you must know, my boss is named Damon... *snicker*... Good luck, there are millions of people named Damon across the multiverse.”

“Damon... well... is he...”

“He has lieutenants... one of them is codenamed ‘Condition One’, and he’s going to kill a traitor to our little group.” Rarity smirked as she felt the effects of blood loss set in.

“What did the traitor do? I might make a temporary peace pact with you to help you get rid of him, because I just hate traitors that much.”

“He’s helping you, in a way, actually, but not your little… ragtag bunch of misfits… another ragtag bunch of misfits.”

“Who are they?”

“Well, there are wizards and scientists and assassins and warriors and soldiers and mercenaries and all sorts of humans out there, why don’t you take a guess?”

“Uh… Machete.” Trevor gave up and began ruffling through the bag again.

“No, the man known as Machete is working for a bastardization of Earth known as Earth Macho49.”

“No… machete.” Trevor pulled out a large machete worthy of Jason Voorhees, or the eponymous Machete.

“What do you plan on doing with that? It’s not a cutting tool.” Rarity knew exactly what Trevor might be planning to do with it, and wished that he wasn’t thinking of that.

“Well, ya got some purty hands, I might want to keep them, so I think I’ll take one, maybe both, chop chop chop, right through them wrists.” Trevor pulled a katana out of the bag as well, “And you need some more flesh wounds too.”

Agent 4 gulped down her anxiety and slid her balisong against the rough leather binding, slowly cutting it open.

Trevor swung the katana first, cutting into her stomach area at an angle from the right side.

Agent 4’s hand was almost free, “GAH...”

“And now, for the hand!”

The binding broke, and Agent 4 suddenly lashed her hand out, catching the blade and throwing it away from herself.

Then she punched Trevor in his groin. Without hesitation, she took his Micro SMG and fired into his face.

Trevor collapsed to the floor after a few seconds.

WASTED

The Dude took out a M@D Colt Revolver and begun to fire. Agent 4 kicked him into the wall, then walked and grabbed a health pipe off of him.

She smoked it, and felt new energy come back to her.

“This will hurt me later, but it is necessary. Sorry darling.” Agent 4 put her mask back on. “It’s nothing personal, just needed to know you, is all.”

The Dude groaned, his head slumping to the side as he fell unconscious.

“Ahh... stupid head wound, making me hallucinate again... Not the Colemans... I hate them...”

Agent 4 reached into her pocket, finding nothing.

“No, no no no NOOO! Of all the things to happen… this is THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!” her teleportation device was missing.

Trevor must have had it.

She looked to where he lay, only to find him gone.

She sighed, and sneaked out of the castle, taking out any alert guards as she went.

‘Great... just perfect.’

Rarity couldn’t believe that she’d gone through all of that dreadful and boring torture only to be stranded afterwards.

“It’s like Budapest again, only this time, David’s not around to save me after I already broke out.”

Going into hiding would be her only option until either they noticed she wasn’t responding or she got her teleportation remote back.

Trevor walked out of the hospital, 500 bits gone from his wallet.

“That... fuck...” He managed to groan out, angry at the sudden attack on his person from the one he was torturing.

At least he took all of her weapons and gadgets off of her person before the sequence began. He now had a ‘Light Pistol’ with a 20 round magazine and Suppressor, a Kukri knife, and Flashbang grenades.

“I wonder if Ammu-Nation now sells these?”

Twilight was trotting through the street, and found Trevor standing outside of the hospital, talking to himself.

“Uh, Trevor, shouldn’t you be, oh I don't know, back at the castle, interrogating the agent?”

“I was, but that fucking Michael-Jackson-bleached-skin bitch with her stupid purple hair-do sent me to this shitty place, and made me look like a fucking moron!”

Twilight recoiled, cringing, and found herself kinda scared by Trevor again.

“Well, do you at least...” She tried to think of a question.

“Know her? Yeah, get the others, we got a surprise to tell you.” Trevor said in a mock-serious tone.

“Okay, but the other eight humans are already gone on their End mission.” Twilight recalled the other half of the group’s mission.

“We can wait for them, I was talking about you horse-faced candy ponies. MOVE!”

Twilight was half-offended, half-scared at Trevor’s outburst, and began to run towards the locations of her friends.

“When I get my fucking hands on her...” Trevor growled, pulling out his Carbine Rifle and walking back to the castle.

-The End, infinity time units after the inception of existence-

To their collective surprise, The End wasn’t some desolate wasteland as most of them had thought.

It was a bustling place of commerce and enjoyment.

Sure the stone was white and the sky was black, but the grass was a nice cheery purply-pink and there were many friendly-looking Endermen walking about, lots of humans too.

“Yeah, I-I-I’d like this Defliberitic Shock Gun atta*URRP*chment please.” A Doc Brown looking man said as he placed the money down on the counter and took a drink from his flask.

“Holy crap... that’s Rick Sanchez.” David noted as the group passed the man by.

“Indeed... The End is a strange, but wonderful place, with equally wonderful people too.” Eduardo said, his voice not distorted by the air of The End.

“How come there are normal people here?” Coach asked.

“Some normal people here are very intelligent people, or come from very advanced civilizations. That person, Rick Sanchez, often comes here, usually to drink and get sciencey objects.” Eduardo said.

“How’d they get here?” Stryker asked.

“Usually through teleporters, often made by the hands of the Endermen, we carve strongholds leading to our wonderful place deep beneath the planet’s surface, one for each universe, inside lays a portal to The End, if one is wise and accepting, they can befriend an Enderman and earn access to the portal, or access directly to The End itself.” Eduardo explained, pointing to the Center Portal in the middle of the town. While it was only a model, it was an example of the beautiful framework of their long-time-in-the-making constructs.

“Yes, it is very breathtaking.” Michael said as he took in the sights. “I wish I could visit the entrance in my world, just to see what it is like.”

“You can get there from here, you know, it is in the Central Teleportation Operations and Management Building, or C-TOMB for short.”

“Where did Endermans come from?” Nikolai asked, having already gone to a liquor store and acquired some more vodka.

“Our origins lie in the womb of the Ender Dragon, she is the mother to all Endermen. Without her, we would not exist to keep order throughout reality, to eliminate the glitches and bugs that occur often in the many universes.”

“Ah... so this world is because of a benevolent dragon. Nice.” Stryker said, smiling.

“Yes, she is benevolent, but cruel. However her cruelty only falls upon evil beings.”

“So, I bet she’ll make Trevor burn if she sees him?” David thought out loud.

“I do not know who this Trevor is.”

“Imagine: Walter White mixed with Jack the Ripper.” Michael summed Trevor up in only seven words.

“With a little Hunter S. Thompson mixed in.” David added

“I see, then he would be disintegrated by her righteous and acidic wrath.” Eduardo led the group to a more elevated area of the city, far fewer houses and buildings were here.

“So, do you know who this Organization is?

“They have stayed away from us thus far, but they are undoubtedly evil by all comparisons, at best they are Chaotic Neutral, which is evil all in itself.” Eduardo gave a bow to the heavily armored guards at the Ender Castle gates, the guards moved their halberds aside and allowed the group entrance.

The inside of the castle was made up of breathtakingly beautiful architecture, made with the trillions of years of time that The End existed, each square inch of it all seemed to be made with the care of a thousand angels' hands.

“Really?” Stryker raised an eyebrow, misunderstanding the alignment spectrum.

“Are you sure? They said some Latin Phrase or something.”

“What is it?”

“Ermmm... let me...” David tried to remember.

“I think it was Pontice calumnia caelum libertatem.” Michael recited, having copied the memory from David's mind.

The group suddenly stopped when Eduardo stopped.

“To Hell with oppression, to Heaven with Freedom? There is only one person I know who would say something like that.” a female voice said.

“Who?” Stryker asked.

“A powerful demon, so powerful, he managed to fight our queen to a standstill with his bare hands alone, a demon named... Damon...” the female voice continued.

“Damon?” Michael inquired, not sure what that named meant.

“He usually uses that name as an alias, usually with the surname ‘Hells’.” the female voice clarified.

“Subtle.” Stryker noted sarcastically.

“Yes, now then, let me introduce myself, I am the Ender Queen.” the female voice was revealed to come from a huge black dragon.

The group noted how her voice was smooth, gentle and sweet, like that of a mother.

“Whatchu know ‘bout...” Coach was silenced by the tip of a wing on his lips.

“Damon... if he’s not against you, is a master at charm and persuasion. Charming, handsome, very deep baritone, well-versed... he’s basically the epitome of human beauty, in and out.” The Queen explained, her voice sounding sad.

“Sounds like you might have had thing for him.” Nikolai said.

“Alas, no, I am no chaser of love or lust, I exist purely as the main protector of all there is.”

“So, this Damon... when was the last you heard of him?” Michael asked.

“Last I heard of him, he had managed to take over a planet in the year of 2017 in this version of Earth, ‘Earth 216-17’ with a magnificent plan that even the most tactically efficient person would look in shock at.”

“What was the plan?” David asked.

“He basically forcefully killed off the American congress during a major televised event, kidnapped the president, then took over America. The global economy took a turn for the worse as a result, and NATO retaliated. Damon was more than willing to use nuclear warfare to EMP the ships however, then he took over France, England, eventually the Middle East... often from the inside agents he snuck in years before.”

“Jesus...”

“Damon was a very smart individual, and because of that, he managed to overtake the planet. He considered North Korea the cherry on top, as the saying goes.” The Ender Dragon sighed. “That was 10 years ago. To think, he was assassinating major businessmen before this.”

“Okay, so… how do we beat him? That’s the important thing.”

“There is one place where he has no influence, no real physical power, a place where, while his limits are greater than the average being, he is still limited… Earth Alpha, home of the Alpha humans and the center of creation.”

“This Earth Alpha... anything unique about it?”

“All other universes originate from it, all except The Void, The End, and The Great Above. While Earth Alpha creates space, The Great Above guides the Alpha humans to fill the space with life, The Void keeps the truth from escaping, and The End is where all things go to… well.”

“End?” David guessed, grimacing at the thought.

“Yes, now then, Damon’s Organization, he made it with very little creativity, specialists in many types of operations with charts organizing agents. While not creative, it was organized and efficient, Damon was known for simply copying other plans and hashing them together, calling it his own.”

“So... he takes the best of all plans...” Nikolai mused.

“Indeed. He may not be creative, but he’s no idiot. He knows what works and what doesn’t. He remembered to pack plenty of supplies and attack Russia during the end of Winter.”

“Boize Moi, Mother Russia...” Nikolai said breathlessly.

“Not anywhere near your Russia, I would think. Do not worry, I know his one weakness, he told me on the night he visited me, the only night he ever visited me.”

“What was it?” Michael said.

“His weakness… is blue.”

“So… like… THAT’S NOT VERY HELPFUL! THERE ARE A LOT OF BLUE THINGS!” David rebuked.

“Besides, don’t you think that he could’ve... you know, lied?” Stryker said, thinking it was a trick.

“No, what I mean is, his weakness is the color blue, even his teleporters cannot affect him without using blue light.”

“Wait, he needs blue? That’s fucking stupid.”

“His power comes from red, as part of his demonic biology, blue weakens him, as well as all of his immunities, without blue light, his teleporters would not teleport him, as he would be immune to being teleported.”

“Well... I’ll give that the benefit of the doubt, because it’s equally likely that he lied to you so that if you told... well...” David said, somewhat cynical at this point.

“He left when my Endermen detected the real impact of his sinful acts, while I cannot be sure that he was truthful, I can be sure that he intended to take upon himself a seed of power tuned to the Ender powers by courting me. He will not stop until he has everything. I can grant you something to help you on your way, a set of locations where his Chaos powers have permeated matter, through these areas, you may access another Equestria, where help will be waiting.”

“Sounds good.”

“Yes, thank you, My Liege.” Michael bowed.

“You are welcome, great Guide. One last thing.”

“What is it?” Nikolai asked.

“If and when you go to war on Damon, I will provide for you, my ten best swordsman.”

“WOOOWWWWW, THAT’S TOTALLY NOT USELESS AND OUTDATED!“ Stryker, David, and Nikolai all snarked in unison.

“Indeed it is not." She said with a chuckle, "You know... I think I met three others like you.”

“Wait, what?” David asked.

“Yes... they were... very serious, the fat one was younger and skinnier, and the soldier had a scar across his chest, the red shirted one seemed to be the leader, and had a magician, another swordsman and a mercenary in their party, asking me to set up a base in this city.”

“Wait, why?” Stryker asked.

“I do not know… but you three also seem to doubt the power of my ten best swordsman, let me show you the least of them, he will spar with… HEROBRINE!” The Ender Queen summoned the white-eyed demon-lord.

Herobrine looked at Steve?

Herobrine: hey bro, whasup?

Steve: bro, I haven’t seen you in, like, forever

“You know him?” Michael asked, gesturing to both Minecraftians

Herobrine: ya, he’s my brother, and I’m… well I kinda got blinded as a kid, but I got better, I can see stuff clearly, even with white eyes

“Now that’s kinda... good for you then.” Coach said, not sure what to think.

Steve: he can be kinda creepy, but he’s a gud guy, wile he’s not much of a survivor, he’s slain the entirety of 14 different Hells by himself.

“WOAH!” David stepped back in awe.

Herobrine pulled out an Obsidian Sword, the purple crystals of the flat glimmering in the light of the castle.

“Obsidian, fragile, but sharp.” Nikolai noted.

“You know what that is?”

“Da... I took lessons.”

An Enderman teleported into the room, clad in gleaming off-white stone armor with a turquoise sword at his waist.

“My Queen!” The swordsman bowed.

“Yes, my subject?”

“There is a report in the Equestria of these six, it seems that one of Damon’s agents is stranded there.”

“Who?”

“One formerly known as Rarity, code-named Agent 4.” The swordsman revealed.

“Wait... what... I am...” David 404ed and fell backwards.

“Wait, ain’t she some sort of seamstress? Why is she with those agent assholes?” Coach readied his Combat Shotgun, just in case.

“Wait, Agent 4… that name… the Elder Gods found references to that name… wait…” Michael stuttered, recalling the memories through his shock.

“Yes, what is it?” David asked.

Whatever lock had been keeping her a blank had been broken, because new information came through, “Agent 4, Rarity, trained when she accidentally discovered one of the old Assassins of the hidden society in her Equestria at the age of 6. She managed to become one of the best Assassins, while also managing to keep a normal cover life too. She was to attack Damon’s organization... but then his version of... this cannot be!”

“What? What is it?”

“It is...”

*BOOM*

“What the...”

The group ran outside, where The Ender Queen looked in anger.

“They have come.” She angrily revealed as she immediately took flight and let out beastly growl.

“Talk about that later, we need to find out what’s happening!”

“But David, it’s very important, I refuse to have this one line of information go unsaid before the big fight.”

“Listen, you can tell us on the wa-”

“IT’S AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION DAVID!” Michael shouted as they left the castle from the east gate.

“Wait, wha...” David suddenly found himself tackled off the cliff about thirty feet from the west gate, and soon landed on a bale of hay, completely unharmed.

“David, we finally meet.” the newcomer said in a crazy voice.

“What, who are you?”

The blue eyes of the man with the mask looked down upon the human, and he grabbed him by the throat.

“You killed not just one, but two of my agents, and now, you must die.”

David had one last snark before he was crushed, “It was either that, or die by his hands, dude.” The other man tightened his grip on David’s throat, causing him to start choking.

‘David, the words!’

‘Fine Maxwell... feeling pain now.’

“Luces Crueshes Replueces the Puces!” David chanted as steadily as he could.

The larger, stronger man stopped, his arm going limp and letting David go.

White light surrounded him, his mask disintegrating.

‘There we go.’

David stared at his own face, at eyes overflowing with malice and insanity.

‘Ah, so that’s where that part went. Would you like me to introduce you to your new mental roommate then?’

‘What the hell have you done?’ David thought-asked, taking a step back from this alternate him.

“Fuck you… fuck me… fuck you…” David said to the original him, his body burning up in yellow light.

“David, are you-... okay...” Michael found himself stopping at the scene before him.

“No, I’m not… fuck him... fuck me… fuck him…” the alternate David began saying those four words in mantra.

“What the hell?” David muttered quietly.

“Fuck you… fuck me… fuck you… fuck me…” The alternate David’s armor and weapons fell from his body as he was reduced to a floating head, his essence flowing into the original David.

“Oh my God... I think I fucked up...” David said as he felt the essence get closer.

“Fuck David… fuck us…” Condition One said finally as his voice was ripped away from him forever, and his entire being entered the other him.

David grunted and convulsed in pain, his whole body feeling like it was on fire.

‘Hello, my...’

‘GRRRRR!’

‘He’s too stupid to try to take control, he’s literally just malice and insanity… wow…’

‘Fuck you!’

‘If only I could, sadly I don’t have a body.’

‘Hold on, I have you, and me? But… me me?’

‘No, you are you you, he’s just a part of you you, if he’d used the spell, then you would be in his head, and slowly becoming more and more passive as you were assimilated.’

‘My everything hurts, but my brain hurts the most.’

‘Well I don’t have an anything anymore, FUCK, and I’m losing power too… FUCK YOU, ME!’

David convulsed again, finding that his muscles burned like he’d just been spending hours working out.

“Oh... that does not look good at all... And Nikolai seen some nasty shit.” Nikolai grimaced as he saw the man convulse again.

David felt empty, like all of his stomach and midsection was being sucked into a black hole.

‘Soooo… alternate you worked out religiously.’

‘Is that why this hurts so goddamn much?’

‘Partly, the fact is that your muscles are growing stronger and your reflexes are getting sharper, but this is at a pace much quicker than your body can adjust to.’

‘Grahhh...paaain.’

‘Just be glad that your mental state will become even more stable as a result. Do not ask.’

David looked at his hand, which flexed and relaxed about twenty times in three seconds.

“That shit looks painful.” Coach noted.

The holy flames finally finished there fusion, leaving David looking like the end result of the Captain America Super Soldier transformation.

I.E. noticeably bigger, a lot more muscular, shining with sweat, and labored of breath.

He’d grown a mighty height of one inch taller, making him 6’2”.

However, his portly body had melted away into a brassy and muscled form befitting of a Greek god…

...Then of course his skin faded back to a more normal caucasian tone.

“Woah, you are ripped... Nikolai does not like you as much anymore.”

“Wh... what?” David’s ability to speak was still recuperating.

“It seems to be a mental fusion spell. Whatever you did, must have fused your soul with another.” Michael noted.

“I feel… tired, and hungry.”

Steve: here, i got sum porkchop 4 u 2 et

David accepted the pork chops, and began to eat them ravenously, feeling much better.

‘All that muscle makes you hungrier, after all, muscle burns more calories.’

‘And it… needs…. more fuel...I’m tired…. fuck you guysh... I’m going to bed.’ The angry and hateful voice had degraded into a tired and frustrated drunken-sounding one.

‘Geez, now he’s... pathetic.’

‘It seems that the shock of this transformation as awoken him like a bullet to the brain, in the sense that it will put him to bed forever.’

‘That would be sad, but he tried to kill me, so I’m not really up for feeling bad for him.’

‘Yes, the only way to break free would be strong emotion, and even then, he can never control you directly, just try to influence you.’

‘I see… I can deal with that… hopefully.’

The Ender Dragon landed next to David, sniffing him for evil.

“You are okay, the only evil inside of you is the innate evil that all humans have, which is nothing more than a sustained form of chaos, really. You will be well after a bath and a change of clothes.” the caring Queen evaluated.

Eduardo appeared next to David, grabbing him and holding out his long, thin-fingered hand for the others to grab.

Stryker, Nikolai, Michael, Coach, and Steve? grabbed his fingers, teleporting with him back up to the castle.

*BAMF*

--

*VORP*

Michael kept his eyes open, and saw that, for a few moments, they were on a dirty road.

He locked eyes with a messy-haired man in glasses for a second, one second was all it took for information to come in.

Harry Potter

*BAMF*

--

*VORP*

Suddenly his eyes saw the interior of the Ender Castle again.

The Queen appeared in a miniature tornado of purple sparkles, spinning around and landing gracefully on the ground, curling around the large rock that made up her throne.

“Take him to the cleansing rooms, I suppose he may take the armor and weapons of that human he destroyed.” The Queen commanded.

Eduardo nodded, motioning to Timothy, a nearby servant, to come with him.

Together, the two quickly moved David to another part of the castle.

“As for the rest of you, you may stay here as long as necessary, and I still plan on demonstrating the skills of the least of our swordsman, so that you will have no doubt of their power.” The Queen hummed and looked to the white-clad swordsman, “Drake, you are to spar with Herobrine here.”

Herobrine: 41 hells yeah, oh and by the way, Steve?, 41*

Steve: oh ya, 41*, he’s slain 41 hells

Stryker thought of Scorpion, then of the white-eyed man decapitating him in a second.

That thought alone both gave him chills down his spine and an accurate image of how powerful Herobrine was.

Drake drew his Terminite sword, looking at Herobrine.

Herobrine drew his Obsidian sword, looking at Drake.

The two clashed at high speed, Drake’s armor clattering on itself as he swung at Herobrine head-spinningly fast.

The smiling demon lord swung back with equal force, his muscles were immune to strain, and therefore were able to apply the maximum force they were capable of applying at all times of usage.

After thirty seconds, Herobrine’s advantage of strength wore Drake out, and he landed a hit.

Drake coughed in pain as the Obsidian sword effortlessly sliced through his flesh.

“Now then, you did not struggle or get worn out by any measure, correct Herobrine?” Drake asked, standing up lightning fast.

Herobrine: no

“Now watch the best of us, Zhakal, spar.” Drake disappeared, and another Enderman, this one noticeably thicker than Drake, appeared on the other end of the throne room

Zhakal bowed and pulled out a black sword that gleamed in the light, it was forged from the shedded scales of his queen.

Herobrine took stance again

In a flash, it was over, Herobrine bowed to one knee with Zhakal’s sword in his back, Zhakal himself standing a few feet behind his opponent.

Stryker clapped for Zhakal.

Herobrine: beter get bak 2 Minecraftia now, cya bro

Steve: cya

Herobrine disappeared in a burst of black smoke.

Herobrine has left the game

Zhakal wordlessly disappeared for a second, reappearing with his sword in hand.

“As you can see, you will have the power to stop his minions, but every loss for us is a loss we cannot make up for, whereas Damon can raise a dozen more troops in a week.” The Queen explained, making wide, sweeping gestures to make her point seem clearer.

The five nodded.

“Well, Queen Enderia MCMXCIX, or 1999 for short, we can stay for a short period of time, but we must return soon.” Michael accepted, bowing.

“You have the powers of knowledge gain, you must be Michael the Guide, it is a pleasure to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine, so… fellows, I guess… do whatever you want, but we have to go home when we get David back.”

“Nikolai has vodka, can go home now.” The drunk man said while drinking from a fresh, cold bottle of vodka, the liquid going down his throat smoothly and warming his gut in the pleasantly cool air of the palace.

“I can take you to your own world, Nikolai, but I would not think you desiring to return there.” a servant informed, stepping over from the side of the room.

“Nikolai wants his friends, and not Nazi Zombies, Nikolai will go back to Equestria.” Nikolai followed the servant to the C-TOMB.

Stryker looked at Drake, “Hey, mind if we have a little Kombat?”

“It is no problem, grab my hand, we will spar in the arena, it is enchanted to prevent death, but only if the death occurs in the room, it is safe, blessed by the Elder Gods themselves.” by the time Drake had finished his statement, he and Stryker were already in the room and in positions.

“So… can I get, like, a burger or something, some nice meat food, all I’ve had for the past six months is ration bars, some crackers, and some pie yesterday.” Coach asked, fixing his glove on his hand and putting away his Combat Shotgun.

Another servant collected him, leading him to a restaurant in the city.

Steve? pulled out his Diamond sword and made a blocking motion.

Steve: armory?

A guard led him to the armory, making sure he didn’t try any funny business.

Michael led himself to the library, taking it the sight of countless great minds’ faces upon the ceiling, the floor covered in an infinitely ornate ritual circle.

The Guide took out his four spellbooks, Golden Flames, Crystal Storm, Necrotic Magic Missile, Demon Scythe, and laid them on the floor.

He collected the half’n’half opposites of them.

Tainted Flames, toxic-green in color and burning things in a tainting inferno, as opposed to the cleansing inferno of the Golden Flames.

Arrow Storm, a natural wonder countered by a manufactured horror.

Radiant Magic Missile, a bright yellow bolt of energy rather than a dark gray one.

Angel’s Axe, a bouncing axe that rains down from the sky, its broad, double-headed blades are sure to cut open even the hardiest of those undead fools.

He thought about David as the information of the rest of the books in the library flowed into his head.

“So the alternate David is now only a part of our David’s mind, and now he has double the armaments… but what good does this do us if our enemy still attacks from the shadows? They all can appear out of nowhere, and we have no way of taking the fight to them. Our cause is lost without a truer knowledge, knowledge more exact and accurate.” He looked at the ceiling.

The great minds’ faces were, as it turned out, the faces of the Elder Gods.

Michael laid on the floor and said a prayer, folding his hands over his heart.

“Our great watchers, who art in The Great Above, hallowed be thy names, thy kingdoms come, thy wills be done, in universe, as they are in The Void.” His breathing got ragged, his chest pounding, “Deliver us this day, our daily life, and forgive our cheats, as we forgive those who cheat against us.” he paused, barely able to breathe under the weight of the air, “Lead us not into foolishness, and deliver us from Evil. For all is thine kingdom, befit for your power, and your glory… forever and ever… press-start.”

And then Michael had a heart attack.

-The Great Above, infinity time units relative to the inception of existence-

Michael’s eyes adjusted instantly to the holy light that illuminated both The End as well as The Great Above.

His eyes locked with the infinitely wise blue eyes of a man with long red hair that draped over the right side of his head, he was clad in a green and yellow toga.

This was Google the Wise, in his ‘Chrome’ outfit.

“The great Google the Wise, it is an honor to meet the only one with more knowledge capabilities than myself.” Michael bowed before the honorable monk-figure.

“Indeed, I am Google, and I know one thing that is exactly what you search for, young guide, there are two who will give you what you search for, the answer.” Google pulled up two images.

A pair of facial-photos taken of two young-looking men.

One looked like David, but slightly slimmer, clad in a worker’s uniform, with darker hazel eyes, darker brown hair, and slightly tanner skin.

The other had short brownish-blond hair, sharp green eyes, silvery-rimmed glasses, and was wearing a business suit. Poking up from his left shoulder was the top half of a feminine face, the young woman had curious and playful bright green eyes and long, smooth, rich brown hair, this was most-likely the man’s girlfriend.

“These two… they are Alpha Humans.” Michael’s information gathering stopped there.

“Indeed, and they have the power to help you, for they can unlock great power that you would not think possible.” Google informed, “But beware, your enemy, Damon, will wish to turn them to his side. If they turn on you, then you will stand no chance against him.”

“But I was informed that Alpha humans were ‘Always Neutral’ beings, that they didn’t really take sides, only make them and fight for them.”

“But is fighting for a side not also taking up that side, accepting it into one’s being as it accepts one?”

“I suppose it is… thank you Google, I shall keep my eyes open.” Michael vowed.

“And sometimes… keep your mouth shut.” Google added, pointing at Michael’s mouth and giving him a boop on the lips.

Michael felt weightless at the monk’s touch, and his vision went white.

-The End, infinity time units after the inception of existence-

David slowly awoke to the smell of flowers and fruit, feeling soft, supple hands washing his face, chest, hair, and back.

He opened his eyes, wondering if he’d awoken in some sort of anime-style spa with giggly spa ladies scrubbing him clean.

Rather, he found a quartet of black-skinned faces with piercing purple eyes towering above him, staring down scrutinizingly.

“AH! I DIDN’T WANT ALIEN ABDUCTION! SOMEONE WAKE ME UP!!!” he was convinced that he was dreaming.

‘Calm down David, you went out cold in a puddle of your own sweat, the Endermen are cleaning you up so that you don’t get any sort of nasty hygiene ill-effects, like irritated skin, rashes, or acne.

‘Maxwell? I guess that wasn’t just an extended dream after all, shit…’

'No, it was not, you jointed a piece of yourself back into your main self, both putting it under your control and giving your body an upgrade, you’re now very muscular, but maintaining this musculature will require more fuel and lots of exercise, which you will find to be a lot easier than you previously would have thought.’

'Yeah yeah yeah, don’t lecture me, what’s up with these alien things?’

‘Endermen.’

‘Oh yeah, right, that whole process.’

“David, are you alright?” The Enderman washing his face and chest asked.

“Uh… yeah, yeah, I’m alright, just sorta… forgot where I was for a minute.”

“Ah, a common trauma response, to think that something was a dream, it is alright David, the Endermen are above the act of judging others.” The Enderman washing his back explained.

David sighed irritatedly, rolling his eyes and smelling the flowers and fruit scent of the soap.

Lavender and grapes, no wonder the castle seemed to smell so nice, if this was its scent.

His whole body felt clean, his senses were sharper, he could hear someone walking in from the hall.

“David, you’re awake, good.” Michael greeted, humming at the delectable smell of the bathhouse.

“Yeah, so… anything new?”

“I have, in my repertoire, four new spells, Tainted Flames, Arrow Storm, Radiant Magic Missile, and Angel’s Axe. Coach has acquired his food. Stryker is sparring with Drake, the tenth of the ten best swordsman. Nikolai is drinking in the park, Steve? is building tools and repairing the armor of the alternate you for you to wear. You… well I’m sure you know of your state, you were filthy in your own body’s secretions, you even uncontrolledly pissed and shit your pants out of shock.”

“Wow, thanks, nice to know.” David snarked, sitting up and shooing the Enderman bathers away.

“I am merely recalling things in their entirety, and the armor seems to have some sort of transformative properties as well, I will need to examine it further, but it’s name is the ‘Divine Avenger’ armor, it is infused with both magic and technology… like I said, more information will be given to you when it is available.” Michael stepped out of the room, allowing David some time to dry off and get dressed.

The athletic-bodied man stretched out, feeling his joints pop and crack and his veins open up, warming his body.

He stretched out one leg, and almost slipped and fell, but caught himself with speed that he didn’t have before.

He felt more alive, better as a person, more wholesome.

Drying off with a large, warm, soft towel, he wrapped it around his waist and stepped out into the hall.

One of the bathers was standing outside, and led him a dozen feet down the hall to a dressing room, where his cleaned-up clothes were waiting.

With his (now slightly oversized) red shirt, khaki pants, and underclothes replaced, he found himself being led to the armory.

The room had cold water pipes lining the walls and making up the stands on which most weapons and armor were held, the cold metal absorbing most of the air’s heat, leaving the area cool and comfortable.

Steve? was in the corner, standing in front of a large wooden cube, completely solid and about three feet in all dimensions, on the top was a small field of gray particles that Steve? seemed to be manipulating.

“Uh, hey Steve?, Michael said you have something for me?”

Steve: ah, David, ya I do, here, beter thn leth nd iron armr

Steve? tossed the suit, which had had a single pair of holes, one in the front, one in the back, in it, but was now perfectly fine.

David tentatively opened it and put it on.

It fit perfectly, no-doubt because it was made special for the other him, who had the exact same figure as he had now.

A parchment-colored underarmor was first, the shirt and pants were both made of a material that was soft and smooth on the inside, tough and rough on the outside.

Then came an armor shirt with elbow-length sleeves and armor pants with calf-length legs, made of a laminate of carbon fiber weave and pressurized nano-carbon plates, offering him the hardness of diamonds and the cushion of leather.

A pair of MP5s, fully loaded with subspace magazines that apparently held thousands of rounds, was the ‘heavy’ weapon of the arsenal extension.

The ‘light’ weapon of the extension was a S&W 500, which would be unbelievably powerful when used in the right hands.

No melee weapon, but then again, he had his bastard sword, and the other him had armor, so that made sense in a 'balancing' sort of way.

On his wrists and ankles were a pair of muscle-numbing bracelets and anklets, which Steve? informed him numbed him because they were injecting him with non-biotoxic antiseptics and anti-toxins, preventing disease and poisoning.

Then came metal-plated dark-gray-dyed leather gloves, with red runes on the backs of the palms, Michael identified the runes as light spells.

“So now I have flashlight hands?”

“Only when turning your fist to where the back of it faces outwards.” Michael explained.

“Cool, is it red light?”

“Unfortunately, yes, yes it is.”

Then came the boots, which were the same dark-gray-dyed leather as his gloves, but these had pale green runes on the soles.

“A sort of asian-influenced magical coloration, this is wind magic, it allows for a double jump with a flick of the ankles, and they can maintain fifteen seconds of flight with another flick, they also slow your falling by half the speed.” Michael explained.

“Good thing I have some super-reflexes now.” David said, feeling more and more like some sort of video game character.

Finally, the mask, which had dissolved into tiny squares and was put back together again by Steve?.

Of course, Steve? had put it back together a bit oddly.

“An Anonymous mask?” David asked, confused, as he was sure that this wasn’t what he’d seen on the other him’s face.

Steve: it semed like it was sposd to be dat, dont juge me

“I am not judging you, Steve?, but I must question your thought process with this.” Michael said, as he looked at the moustache of the face.

Steve: fine, I’ll remake it

Steve? grabbed the mask out of David’s hand and put it back in the crafting table.

It came out as a simple, black mask in the shape of a smooth, flawless face, lacking features such as cheek bones, the depressions where the eye sockets were, or even a chin, it was hauntingly sleek and emotionless.

The only detail on the face was a pale blue rune in the shape of a cross with a yellow set of letters, a D on the left arm, a V on the right arm, an A in the center, an O on the top, and a C on the bottom. Now this was almost the exact same mask that the alternate David had been wearing, the only difference was that the positioning of the O and the C were switched on the original.

David then thought about what the other him might have actually been.

“Is there anything to turn my eyes blue?”

“You’re eyes are… well they’re brown right now.” Michael informed.

“Hazel, but I need them to be blue, undercover stuff might be a good idea at this point.”

Steve? went into sneaking stance and got really close to David’s face.

Steve: nah dude ur eyes r brown

“We need a man on the inside though, looking up what our enemies might have.” Michael proposed, looking at his friend-dressed-as-enemy.

David pushed Steve away, “Can I get a mirror?”

Michael held up a Magic Mirror he’d found in the Crystal Castle in a secret storage room, positioning it in front of David’s face.

David found that, indeed, his eyes were brown, with a hint of blue and a hint of hazel in them, a mix of his own eye color and the other him’s eye color.

“Cool and all, but I need them to be all blue.”

“I can fix that, with a little… PAH!” Michael grabbed Steve? and gave him a pinch on the arm.

Steve? winced, then felt like someone was invading his internet connection.

Michael pulled out a gray screen, showing an image of David with several characteristics listed and slots with things in them.

He jumped up and selected a tab labeled Physical Appearance.

He selected Eyes and changed the color swatch from brown to blue.

David looked at himself and found that his eyes were the same cold blue color as his other self’s were.

“Easy as an inventory editor.” Michael smiled, putting away the screen.

“Uh… nice… now can we get back to the Crystal Kingdom?”

“Alright, but first we must gather the others, and your armor has a contingency spell, which has been cursed to be unidentifiable, but it still must be applied.”

“You can take that contingency then, Michael, I trust you, and plus: if the agent me was using the contingency thing, then it can’t have been bad..” David said, not knowing that he was actually applying a powerful holy spell to his ally without even considering the consequences.

-In the Ender Valley Public Park-

Nikolai looked at the beautiful nature around him, loving the lack of gray and brown of boring, dull Earth.

Purplish-pink grass, a bright rainbowy-black sky, rich dark-turquoise trees with magenta leaves.

And of course, vodka.

Michael Hermes-Boots-rushed into the walled-off area of the park, quickly locating Nikolai.

“Nikolai, comrade, we must go back to the Crystal Kingdom, time is of the essence!” he called out.

“Okay… Nikolai will go back to shiny crystal pony place then… can Nikolai catch up with you in a bit? This place is pretty.”

“As long as you aren’t late, that will be fine.” Michael turned and ran to the C-TOMB.

Nikolai watched as the all-knowing man left, then sighed, stood up, cracked his joints, and began walking out of the park.

-At the All-you-can-eat-Eats restaurant-

“This man is a black hole!” One of the Enderman said in a mix of surprise and panic.

Coach was on his fifth hamburger when the strange man from earlier burst into the restaurant.

“Coach, time to go, Organization stuff or whatever!” David called out.

Coach cleaned his face with the rest of his hamburger, stuffed it in his mouth, then stood up and followed David out.

“Alright, let’s go man.” he said, pulling out his Combat Shotgun.

“Yeah, by the way, this is a cover, I’m going undercover.” David motioned to his new armor.

“Oh, alright then… uh… you... scumbag... Organization... agent guy... eh, I got nothin'.” Coach wasn’t really sure how to ‘act natural’ in this situation.

“For me, I suppose I’ll go attack Trevor, never really found the guy to be... well...”

“Nope, he’s not well at all.” Coach knew what David was talking about, half a conversation with Trevor told him all he needed to know.

“So it’s only natural that I’d go on his ass to make a good cover. He won’t suspect a thing.” David smirked at the thought.

“He also might blow your ass sky-high though, so make sure to dodge.”

“I’m now a muscly, nimble, and reflexive soldier with three guns that have bottomless magazines, I’ll manage.”

“Okay, I’ll be at that C-TOMB place when ya need me.” The portly man assured, following one of the Enderman guides to the building.

“Well, that might be soon enough.” The formerly-portly man replied to nobody, testing out his new athletic and acrobatic capabilities by climbing up the restaurant’s outer wall and making his way across the city via the rooftops.

-In the Royal Enderia Training Room: Sparring Section-

Stryker brought up his arm, finally managing to block three consecutive hits from Drake.

“Impressive for a normal human, most cannot block one, let alone three strikes from poor little me.” Drake commended, joking on himself.

“I’ll say it’s impressive when I get four.” Stryker spat back, flexing and preparing for another volley.

“It is nice to see a human’s capacity for greed put to a more noble use, now EN GARDE!” Drake shot forward.

*PLAP, PLEP* The fleshy sound was the sound of Drake being knocked out of the arena by Steve?’s Diamond sword, which was enchanted with Sharpness III and Knockback II.

Steve: tym 2 go.

“Hold on, just let me get to four, okay?”

Steve: alryt, u get 4, then we go

Drake nodded swung hard, slashing several times in only a few seconds.

Stryker blocked the blade four consecutive times, then was struck in the chest by the fifth hit.

Steve: alryt, tym 2 go

“Hold on, just let me get to five, okay?”

Steve: u said 4 last time, not 5, cmon

“Can you just let me get to five? I know I can do this.” Stryker insisted.

Steve: & i can do dis

Steve? pulled out a lead, attaching it to Stryker by craftily wrapping it around his waist, then he pulled on it.

The officer was tugged backwards, and looked at the larger man.

Steve: no mor tranin tym 4 u, tym 2 go

“Fine, I can walk on my own, by the way.” Stryker pointed out matter-of-factly.

Steve: y u bein an ass alluva sudden?

“I just… *sigh* I just want to get better, for one, it’s like everyone keeps leaving me behind, first Lee, then Trevor, then Michael, then you, and I’m sure that David can probably outrun me now, and Nikolai… well okay Nikolai is fine there.”

Steve: Maybe, but u have somethin teh others dont hav

“And what is that?”

Steve: the law, u hav the law on ur syd, imagine havng comands 4 urself… do u kno wat comands do?

“Um… what?” Stryker was confused by this half-minded sounding explanation.

Steve: try turning yourself to creative mode

“Uh… what?”

Steve: type /gamemode creative

“Uh….” Stryker thought on this...

Kurtis_Stryker: /gamemode creative

Steve: no luk… try sumthin els

Kurtis_Stryker: /gamemode kombat

Steve: nutin, try agin

Kurtis_Stryker: uh… well shit… um

Kurtis_Stryker: /gamemode crystalpony?

Suddenly, Kurtis felt like his bones were breaking, and his skin stretched out, then in.

When the feelings faded away, he found himself standing on all fours and looking at Steve’s legs.

Steve: Mojang, we hav a problem

Stryker was now a light blue pegasus pony, where a coat of fur would normally be, he instead had a stiff, crystalline hide, and a swept-back brown mane like Ryan Gosling, his SWAT armor had been replaced with sapphire-carved heavy-duty Riot Police armor, complete with newer, better weapons.

Overall, he looked fancier and more powerful than before.

Kurtis_Stryker: um….

Kurtis_Stryker: /gamemode kombat?

His body broke and resized itself, turning back into human form with his normal SWAT gear and everything.

Kurtis_Stryker: /gamemode pony

He turned back into a pony shape, but was normal this time, with a light police-blue coat, brown mane, his hat and SWAT gear unchanged except in shape in order to fit his pony body.

He was still a pegasus, however.

Steve: I guess u can fly around?

“Seems like it, this is… wow… I’d never get left behind with these puppies.” Stryker wiggled his wings, ruffling the feathers.

Experimentally, he jumped into the air and began flapping them, finding that they started flapping at a hovering pace automatically.

Steve: graphic avansd, but the animtn’s just a justification 4 creative mode flyn

Stryker noted that, indeed, he didn’t seem to need to learn how to fly, just how to jump and flap his wings right after.

Steve? pulled him down and climbed on his back.

Steve: 2 the C-TOMB place now

Stryker felt slightly heavier, and was quite surprised by Steve?’s odd lack of weight when riding him.

Still, he followed an Enderman guide below to the C-TOMB.

-In the C-TOMB-

“Yes, welcome to the Central Teleportation Operations and Management Building, I’ll get you to your Equestria world again.” Eduardo explained, straightening his ‘Bugs and Glitches Police’ badge and holding out his hands.

Michael, David, Nikolai, Coach, Stryker, and Steve? grabbed onto his hands, ready to teleport.

“Okay, here we go.” Eduardo prepared to teleport.

*BAMF*

-Universe: Equestria Iota-2, Location: The Crystal Kingdom, Time: Day 1 of the PSR (post-Sombra-return) era, Weather: kinda warm-

*VORP* Eduardo and the group appeared in a less active area of the city, luckily this area was quite close to the castle.

“Wait, that’s it?” Coach asked, unsure of this.

*grackle, layak, hoowup.* Eduardo’s speech was once again distorted by the air of the Crystal Kingdom.

“Yes, thats it, no catch, no strings attached.” Michael translated, glad to be back.

“I expected more, like a whole ‘we can’t go back until we flip the power switches’ or whatever sort of bullshit sidequest thingy.” David said, looking around.

“Yeah.” Stryker agreed.

“The Ender teleport is both simple and effective, the Endermen perform it perfectly and are absolutely consistent with their perfection of it, there is never flaw nor mishap. In short, there was nothing to worry about.” Michael assured.

“Comrade is right.” Nikolai confirmed.

“Alright, I’mma go look for Trevor, keep away.” David said as he began to climb up the building wall.

“Damn, he gonna fuck something up, that’s for sho’.” Coach said.

“Hey, you guys are back!” Lee yelled out as he walked up to the group, having spotted them while trying to find that Diamond Bottle place. “Where’s David?”

“Oh, he’s... missing. He might have not made it through on the way back.” Michael lied, needing to plant the seeds of the illusion.

“Oh… damn… well I hope you guys find him, he's a good guy.” Lee frowned in sadness, walking away from the group.

Stryker decided to regroup with Dovahkiin and see what else had been going on while they were gone.

“Nikolai will look for Albert. I will check police station.” Nikolai decided to walk back.

Michael nodded and looked at the other humans in the group.

Steve: u tink David wil be ok?

“I hope so, Steve?, I hope so.” Michael said, knowing that the question was actually about David’s ruse, not his ‘lost on the way back’ status.

David hopped from rooftop to rooftop, looking for any sign that Trevor was in the near-by area.

And then he noticed a woman, trying to stop some minor bleeding from multiple wounds in her body.

‘Wha... is that...’

‘David, he’s reacting. Whoever that person is, he knows her. Maybe you can help her?’

‘Thanks Maxwell.’ David slowly walked up to the woman, and then noticed that she had some sort of pure white skin, or fur.

“Agent 4?” David spoke, hoping he was right.

“CO? What took you so long, did you get Blue Comet?” Agent 4 asked, remembering her partner's mission in Iota 1.

‘Umm, guess?’

“Eh~... no, I was ambushed by the others.”

“All six of them? Really?”

“He’s an impressive fighter, and even I couldn’t have taken on… thirteen enemies all at once.” David guessed, factoring in the alternate Equestria’s Mane 6 and the other group as he began to examine her injuries.

“My God, you look like shit.”

“So did Trevor.”

“Wait, he actually beat you up?” David feigned surprise very well.

“Tortured.”

“Not again.” David improvised.

“Geez, thanks for the words of encouragement.”

“Maybe you should stop being cocky, and start actually paying attention.” David took a random syringe and jammed it into her leg, hoping that it was a healing serum and not a deadly poison, as killing his partner didn’t seem like something the other him would do.

“I think I’m starting to gain an immunity to this stuff.” Rarity snarked as she felt the relieving chemicals of the healing serum flow through her body.

“Stop whining and get up, we’re kidnapping Trevor.”

“Wait, what abo-”

“I saw David and the others, but then the Ender Dragon came. I had to run. Luckily I took his weapons and I may have managed to kill him while I ran away, I also stopped to steal this thing.” David showed the mare the purple torch he’d received from one of the Enderman Monks, then he put it away and slung her over his arm, carrying her around.

“Gee, you’re quite a professional.” Agent 4 sarcastically snarked from behind his shoulder.

“Those humans are easy. The Ender Dragon is a death sentence. Damon barely survived his battle with it.” He guessed, getting angry at the thought of Damon and his asshole ways.

“Tell me about it. Why are you so angry at me?”

“Because I care for you.” David tried to cover up his internal anger, and found that his lie was surprisingly easy to say, as though it wasn’t even a lie at all...

“I know that, but why do you care for me?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” He asked, hoping that she’d either get shocked into not talking, or get completely distracted by his response.

‘Don’t you dare steal her from me, you bitch!’

‘Oh my, love is in the air. I wish Charlie was here.’

‘FUCK YOU!’

‘Both of you, shut it!’

“Y-you...” Rarity blushed, thankful that David couldn’t see her face right now.

“Come on, we got work to do, we’ll talk later, in private.” David ran across the street, finding himself near the Crystal Castle.

“It’s where I escaped.” Agent 4 remarked, rubbing her stomach where the T-shaped incision had been made.

David saw the other humans, two dragons, and eight ponies gather around, then walk into the castle doors.

“I think we should wait until dark.” David said.

“Good idea, you always played it safe during these moments.” Agent 4 replied, feeling completely healed by now due to the highly advanced healing serum.

‘CRRK’ His radio crackled to life as someone tried to contact him.

“Yes?” David spoke into the comm, hoping that this wasn’t a trick.

“Boss, this is O.R.A. #4. It seems that Group 935 is involved in this, Wilson has a Wunderwaffe DG-2.” A deep male voice, obviously disguised to keep the identity a secret, spoke suddenly.

David paused for several seconds, thinking of how to respond to that.

“Erm... care to remind me which one that was?” He covered, hoping that his request wouldn’t raise suspicion.

“It’s the lightning gun. The shorter englishman built it himself, crazy as a bat.”

“Keep an eye on him, he’s likely dangerous and insane.”

“Yeah, like Deadpool.”

“Copy, over and out.” David hung up on the comm.

“Who was that?” Agent 4 asked.

“One of the recon agents, Wilson has a Wunderwaffe.” David relayed, not sure what that report had to do with his own group’s problems.

“Great, First Nikolai has one, now the insane one.” Rarity was, of course, referring to Wilson, not Deadpool, because if Deadpool had it, then

“*Sigh* Nothing’s easy for us anymore, right?”

“Yeah, Wayzer gets killed by a rookie, I get caught by an Assassin, Blue Comet turns on me, a Reconnaissance agent and a Guerilla agent died, the latter from shredding, the former from suffering...”

“You got tortured by a meth addict with potential mommy issues...”

“And those idiots failed to get the Dovahkiin to turn to our side.”

“At least our plan B’s in effect.”

“Yes, we’ve located the first Alpha in Studio City, and other is in a border town in the four-state area, I can’t believe his location wasn’t obvious from the start.”

“Perfect, tell them to send extraction teams at nightfall.”

“Sounds like a plan. Also... David.”

“Yes Rarity?” David asked.

“Thank you.”

David felt a warm and fuzzy feeling in his gut, “You’re welcome.” He said with a smile.

‘She’s mine, you will not steal her from me.’

‘He’s posing as you. He might even make love to her. Does tha...’

‘SHUT UP, YOU 19TH CENTURY CUNT!’

‘Maxwell, I’ll play dubstep if you don’t stop teasing the prisoner.’

‘You wouldn’t dare!’

‘I got Datsik, Skrillex, and Alvin Risk ready to blast out loud, maybe some Knife Party too, and I can always set it to shuffle on the Electronic music genre.’

'Don't you DARE, electronic ain't got nothin' on rock, country, and metal!'

'Wow, you really are my opposite, BUT I'LL STILL PLAY IT TO PISS BOTH OF YOU OFF!'

‘Alright, you win!'

‘Much better.’ David leaned against Rarity, and sighed.

‘What am I doing?' David thought as he felt something new inside him grow warm and strong.

‘What am I doing?’ Lee thought as he nearly stumbled off of the edge of a three-story building.

His vision was getting hazy, his stomach was empty, sending out hunger pangs, he needed something to eat, and soon.

He managed to leap to the castle, climbing up through a window that had some bars on it, which he was able to squeeze through.

Inside was Albert’s cell, the inmate had been stripped of his weapons, but luckily not of his clothes, and had been sitting on the bed writing on the wall.

“Albert?”

“Lee? Oh… hey, how’d you get in?” Albert asked, feeling uncomfortable with the grayish-brown-skinned man standing over him.

“I slipped through the bars on the window, if you’ll excuse me, I need some food, I’ll see you later.” Lee turned sideways and slipped through the main cell bars with ease.

“Hey, I’m hungry too, I only got about down to that crystal pony’s neck before they cuffed and stuffed me.” The ex-ex-convict pointed out.

“Is that why you were arrested? Because you got hungry and killed someone to eat them?” Lee was instantly reminded of walkers.

“Yeah, I mean, wouldn’t you, if it came down to it?”

“I… that’s… listen, how about I tell you what happened to me? I went through a zombie apocalypse. Everyone was infected, so no matter how you died, if you didn’t destroy the head, you would turn and come back. Eating people was the big crazy thing there, and I got bitten, I think the virus’s influence gets stronger if I don’t eat, so if you’ll excuse me...” Lee turned and walked down the hall to punctuate his sentence.

“Hey, can you help me break out of here?” Albert requested, grabbing the bars.

“Just do what I did if you want to!” Lee called back, walking to the kitchen.

Weasel looked at the bars, then turned sideways and slipped through them.

“I’ve been in here all night! The fuck?! I could’ve done that the whole fucking time?” He angrily exclaimed, kicking the bar, then grabbing his foot in pain and hopping around.

He slipped and crashed against the bars of the cell opposite his, making a loud *CRACK* sound as the bars snapped out of the wall.

“OH COME ON! THIS PRISON IS SHIT!” Albert frustratedly yelled as he groaned and sat up.

His head finally hit something, something stiff and muscly.

He looked up to see the muzzle of Shining Armor frowning down at him.

Within a second, Albert was lifted up in a magenta bubble and levitated beside Shining.

“You’ve gotten out of your cell just in time for your interrogation.” The white stallion snapped.

“You can just ask me here, y’know…”

“Well then, Question 1: why did you do it?”

“I was hungry and frustrated at going through hell and back, I was hungry enough to eat a horse… or crystal pony in this case.”

“Pleading desperation, while earning you some sympathy, will not hold up in court, neither will insanity.”

“Well, just do some maaaagiiiiiic and see what happened from my perspective.” Albert sneered, spitting on the barrier.

The wad of spit bounced back and splattered onto his pants.

Shining’s horn brightened, and the spell was cast.

Albert felt electricity arc down his spine, then he blacked out.

Shining Armor collapsed, the spell taking effect as he was told everything about Albert that had happened over the past year.

It was a lot.

-The Next Day, in District: Codename ‘Crystal Crush’-

With the crystal ponies made aware again and now focusing on rebuilding their city, there was a large area, about an eighth of the whole kingdom, that was decrepit and unusable.

Either shattered to shit or overgrown with more crystals, several hundred houses and buildings were in need to repairs.

In one of the many abandoned buildings, David and Agent 4 had taken residence after a long, cold night.

David awoke with a groan as his eyes were flooded with light, the crystal walls reflecting the sun’s rays perfectly towards his eyes.

He took a second to recall that yesterday actually happened, then looked to his side.

To his surprise, Agent 4 was quite beautiful when asleep, her expression peaceful and even a bit happy, as opposed to the hard, snarky, super-focused expression she wore when awake.

Standing and stretching, the brown-haired man yawned, removed his mask and looked at it again.

It was just a smooth, textureless black face, the yellow and blue rune on the forehead was the only thing that broke the smoothness of the surface.

Putting it on again, he looked back at Agent 4, it would be too suspicious if he left her alone.

Getting down on his knees, he shook her gently.

Agent 4 was awake in an instant, looking at her ally.

“*yawn* So, how many miles did you run before you decided to wake me up?” She asked mockingly.

“Uh… waking you up was… well... the first thing I did.” He clarified, helping her up.

“Oh… well… thank you.” Rarity turned away from him, blushing slightly at sentimental thoughts, but then pushing them away and turning back to him, “Well come on, we need to get the brutish Trevor and get my weapons back, while my hands are quite efficient at killing things, they can be quite loud when my target hits something, or they scream, and this Micro-SMG isn’t suppressed at all.”

“Yeah… I know, come on, I think I might know where he is.” David led the way to the roof.

“Shouldn’t we at least nourish ourselves first?” Rarity asked, a ration pack in her hand.

“Alright, chew it, gulp it, chug it, come on.” David nommed down the mostly-dry food and drank the hydrating blue fluids provided in the pack, then led the way by taking a running start and jumping across the street, landing in the second story of the broken building, where a surprise lay.

“What the fuck?” Trevor had come out here to smoke in peace, and now some agent-looking guy was in his face.

“Target Blazed Hair, both a pleasure and a misfortune to meet you.” David improvised, having not expected this so soon.

Agent 4 jumped into the room, punching Trevor hard, knocking him into the wall.

“Oh FUCK YOU, YOU’RE THAT ESCAPEE BITCH!” Trevor pulled out a machete.

Agent 4 lashed out the Micro-SMG, but it was immediately knocked out of her hands by Trevor’s wild swing.

David gave Trevor a jab to the side, knocking him away from 4.

Trevor pulled out his Carbine Rifle and started firing randomly at the two, hitting Rarity a few times and David several more.

The heavy-set man grunted in pain and pulled out his bastard sword, swinging it hard down on Trevor’s right shoulder and hitting bone.

“Oh YOU KILLED MY FRIEND! FUCK YOU!” Trevor pulled out Dual Combat Pistols and fired at both of them.

David dodged the aiming zone and came back with a S&W500 to the side.

Trevor was blown back by the shot, collapsing onto the wall.

He wasn’t dead yet, and used his Combat Shotgun to shoot Agent 4 again.

Agent 4 jumped high into the air and brought her foot down with a fatal stomp to Trevor’s head as payback for yesterday, cracking his skull and killing him yet again.

WASTED

David looked at the cracked walls, and noticed something very, very bad.

C4 packets were stuck to the floor, walls, and ceiling.

“OUT! NOW!” He jumped out of the front of the building.

“What? OH SHI-”

*BOOM*

The building exploded into a shower of crystal shards and ashes.

David and Agent 4 kicked off some debris and quickly ran off.

“Why’d you kill him?” David half-yelled.

“He’ll be fine, he’s died before.” Rarity replied, clearly annoyed.

“Interrogation?”

“Yep.”

David sighed and found himself face to face with The Dude.

“Hi there.” The Dude had a sawed-off double barrel pointing towards his chest.

“Oh, you must be target Postal.” David said, quickly slapping the gun away before The Dude fired.

Agent 4 then kicked him away, and he then took out a Machine Gun.

He fired, but the duo quickly jumped into an abandoned warehouse and ran off.

“Great, he’s here.” Agent 4 complained.

“He helped Trevor?”

“What do you think?”

“Sounds like you had a fun afternoon without me.” David snarked.

“Cheeky bastard.”

David stopped, and looked at Agent 4 in the eyes.

“Listen, there is a psycho after us, and Trevor might end up telling the others after his run in. Compound that to what he learned from your ‘fun-time’ with him, and we may need to bail, so shut-up, move quietly, and keep an eye out for any more assholes like him. Got it?”

Agent 4 kept quiet, then spoke.

“Loud and clear.”

“Good, move!”

The two ran off, and it was clear that their cover was blown, again.

Applejack just couldn’t believe it.

“Trevor just cannot be right, but he’s done no lyin’. Maybe Ah should talk ta Rares, maybe she’s...”

*sob sob sob*

Applejack had heard that, and went to go look at it.

It was Rarity, in her guest room, crying her eyes out, a half-empty bottle of what appeared to be absinthe right next to her.

“Rarity?”

Rarity gasped, and tried to hide the bottle, but fumbled around, and the bottle soon broke all over the floor.

“Oh, dammit.” Rarity sniffled at the spilt liquor, tears still pouring from her eyes, and trotted back to the bed.

“Rarity, what was that?”

“That is something to keep the edge off, you want to know why?"

“Well-”

“Because that person, whom Trevor interrogated, was MEEE~! My own flesh and blood, from another universe, ready to murder somepony here, and she... she... I just refuse to believe that she could even be me!”

“Rarity, are ya drunk?” Applejack noted that Rarity was a bit wobbly.

“Oh Applejack, wouldn’t you get drunk if you learnt something like this?”

Applejack scratched the back of her neck and got a bemused look.

“Ah suppose.”

“Yes.”

“Still, I wouldn’t’ve guessed that y’all would choose, oh, Ah dunno, absinthe, of all drinks, ‘stead of, ya know, wine or mixed drinks or somethin’.”

Rarity perked up, and glared at the mare.

“Applejack, please get out, now. I vant to be alOOOne!” Rarity’s posh accent switched to half Germane, half Stedish for that second sentence.

Applejack nodded, left the room, and closed the door. Rainbow Dash then came up to the mare.

“Hey AJ, how’s Rarity?”

“‘Part from the fact that she might have a drinkin’ problem that we don’ know ‘bout, she’s pretty beat up from that pony-human gal Trevor told us 'bout.”

“Yeah, she just screamed, ‘I cannot believe it!’, literally.”

“Yeah, Ah suppose...”

*CRASH*

“Motherfucking cunts!”

The two mares turned to see Trevor, who seemed so pissed off, that just being near him would be suicide. The two quietly walked away, right before Trevor punched a hole in the quartz wall.

Lee moved over to walk beside the methhead, and noted his outburst.

“You know, you must really be angry. You said the MF word.”

Trevor grabbed Lee by the neck, and slammed him against the wall with a loud *WHAM*.

“That fucking BITCH!... and her new boyfriend, THEY FUCKING... they killed David.”

“Wait, David... he’s...”

“Yes, fucking...” Trevor let Lee go and let him plop to the ground.

“Dead?” Lee didn’t want it to be true.

“Yeah, I may not have liked the guy, but he pulled his own weight and didn't back down, and that's respectable. Lee, you and I got work to do.” Trevor picked Lee up and dusted off his shoulders.

“What kind?” Lee rubbed his neck.

“You know what kind!” Trevor tried to look like he knew what he was doing, but truthfully, he just needed a direction to point his gun in.

(Your answer will influence what you do next. Trevor will remember this.)

-> Revenge? <-

Stopping others from dying?

Find out who sent them?

(Stay Silent.)

“You want revenge?” Lee guessed.

Trevor was thankful for Lee thinking of an actual plan, “YES! You coming?”

(Think carefully on your response, Trevor will remember this)

Yes. They’ve gone too far.

Hell yeah, David was my friend.

-> No, I refuse to believe you. <-

No, we’d just die again.

(Stay silent)

“No, I… I can’t believe that something this important… I mean… how can… how can you prove it?” Lee hoped against hope that Trevor was mistaken.

“That asshole had his sword, YOU DON’T TAKE SOMEONE’S SWORD WITHOUT WRENCHING IT FROM THEIR COLD, DEAD, HANDS, LEE!”

“Oh Jesus… that’s… well you know more about those methods than me… holy shit…” Lee couldn’t deny it anymore.

(Try again, and remember, Trevor will remember this)

Yes. They’ve gone too far.

-> Hell yeah, David was my friend. <-

No, we’d just die again.

(Stay silent)

“Well then… HELL YEAH I want revenge, David was my friend, man.” Lee felt a fire of anger ignite in his soul.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Am I not your friend? You never called me friend!” Trevor was thinking even less clearly than usual.

“Well no, I mean yes, I mean-... that’s not what I meant…” Lee tried to dodge around this little metaphorical bullet he’d gotten himself almost shot with.

“Then WHAT DID YOU MEAN?!” Trevor screamed at him.

(Trevor won’t let you ride the fence this time, and he WILL remember this)

Yes. They’ve gone too far.

No, we’d just die again.

-> (Stay silent) <-

“...” Lee was lost for words.

“ANSWER ME LEE!” The balding man pulled out his Automatic Shotgun and aimed it at Lee’s chest.

(You have to pick NOW, and Trevor will remember this)

Yes. They’ve gone too far.

-> No, we’d just die again. <-

...

“No… they can’t be forgiven for this, but we’d just die again if we tried to get them.”

“I had ‘em on the ropes, Lee, if there were two of us, they wouldn’t stand a chance.”

“I…” Lee was trapped.

(You might not have really had any choice in the first place, Trevor will remember your hesitance, however.)

Yes. They’ve gone too far. (This choice fills you with the desire to smash them)

Yes. We have to stop them. (This choice makes you want to disintegrate them)

Yes. David can’t have died for nothing. (This choice gives you with a righteous vendetta)

-> Yes. You’re right Trevor. (This choice burns you up inside, but Trevor deserves his dues) <-

“Yes, alright- YES! Okay?... You were right Trevor, I was wrong to have hesitated and thought that I shouldn’t try to take revenge, even though I’m the one that suggested it! Come on, we have to-*COUGH-HACK-WHEEZE*” Lee had turned from Trevor and was about to lead the way, when he fell to his knees with a vicious cough.

He coughed up bile, feeling nauseous as it dripped down his tongue and onto the floor.

His throat was clear for all of two seconds before his lungs felt like they collapsed, and his tongue lolled out of his mouth, the tip landing in the black bile on the floor.

“EUGH!” Lee retracted his tongue and wiped it off with the backs of his hands.

“Whoa, Gene Simmons tongue.” Trevor said in awe, leaning back away from Lee.

Lee coughed violently again, green smoke coming from his mouth.

You got: Smoker’s Tongue, it seems that being affiliated with Trevor automatically makes you more druggy, and thus you now occasionally (and uncontrollably) cough up green smoke. On the bright side, the smell of death has been reduced to the smell of cooked meat, and you can now shoot your tongue out like a sticky rope, the maximum distance is 50 feet.

“Okay, let’s go, this is gonna be easier with that boa constrictor snake thingy fer a tongue ya have now.” Trevor handed Lee the Heavy Revolver and ammo, then led the way down to the street.

Lee sighed in relief, equipped the gun to the front of his pants, pocketed the ammo, and followed his fellow avenger towards the agents.

What Lee didn’t know, was that he might end up killing David in order to avenge David.

-The Ender Castle, infinity time units after the inception of existence-

“Very well, Michael the Guide, if you wish to talk to this person, so be it.” The Ender Dragon said as she walked towards her throne.

Michael sighed, took a deep breath, and walked through the doors to the interrogation room.

There he was.

“Hello Mr. Harry James Potter, I believe it’s time we discuss our current situation.”

“Yes, Michael, we should.” Harry replied, ready to speak to the other person.

“Just a heads up, one of our own is undercover in the Organization.”

“We have an Assassin in their base, looking for info too.” Harry lied, hoping to outdo this person’s boast.

Michael smiled, and spoke.

“Good, by the way...the Assassin vs Templar endless war? It rages on even in the Equestrian lands?”

“It’s bloody everywhere Michael, same with the Wizards and the Firsts, they are everywhere, and while we aren’t exactly actively seeking out fights against each other, if we meet, we will clash.”

“Yes, I suppose that’s also something to note. But in this dire time, we may need to work together to stop this threat.”

“In the end though, is the villain not destroyed by one final hit?” Harry philosophized.

“Yes, yes he is, but the two important questions are: When will that hit be? And who will deliver it?” Michael asked the hard question, shaking his head with thought.

“Only time will tell... that’s something my good friend Ron once said to me, of course he used it as an excuse to not attend a test back in Hogwarts, but the weight of the situation is still distributed the same.”

“Hehe... Well, most of the Weasley’s aren’t exactly the most... well... um… BUT they do have wise words, nonetheless.”

“Are you thinking of proactive? And I agree.”

“Yes, proactive… there is another group that may help or hurt us… two men from Earth Alpha.”

“I’ve heard of the Alphas, we can only hope that their better nature takes hold, and that their haste does not. Else this Organization will surely kill them, and our only lifelines will be cut.”

“Correct, I can only hope that they are safe…”

“...For as long as possible.”

-Earth Alpha, Studio City, CA-

The person who goes by Awesomedude17, known as David in the real world, wrote as he began to look away from the screen.

“Whelp, that’s done. Time for some GTA.” The man said as he set up a game of Grand Theft Auto V.

Outside on the street, a blue wave of light passed over a figure that wasn’t there before.

WASTED

“Doh.” David sighed as Franklin got wasted by the cops.

The screen suddenly went black.

“Great, power outage. Oh well, I guess I’ll...”

*BANG BANG BANG*

Vari, an Extraction agent, busted the door down from its shot-off hinges, a pair of UMP45s in his hands.

David looked at the sight, and saw his step-dad run towards the man, ready to beat the shit out of the attacker to defend his his home.

Vari knocked him out in one punch, and David went wide-eyed.

“Shit.” David ran from his chair.

Vari looked at David running, and aimed his guns at him.

“Don’t move.” Of course, David did the exact opposite of what he was told to do, and managed to dance past Vari and out the door.

David was soon out of the apartment, and ran down the street, calling 911 and putting it on speakerphone.

"911, please state the nature of your emergency."

"Yes, my name is David V-" *BANG* "KAH! A man shot his way into my apartment on 8th street and most-likely wants to either-" *BANG* "-kidnap or kill me!"

"I know this is difficult, David, but I need you to calm down so I can send you help."

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT-" *BANG* "-IT'S DIFFICULT! SEND SOME POLICE QUICK!" *BANG* "I'm on the corner of 8th and Wesley, my step-dad is unconscious and probably dead, AND I WILL BE DEFINITELY BE DEAD SOON!"

"I want you to be safe, David, can you get somewhere where you can stay safe?"

"I CAN TRY MY DAMNEDEST!" David turned the corner and ran left.

"I have police stationed on Wesley and Lockhead, just a few blocks west, and there is ambulance on the way to help your stepfather. Don't worry David, just stay calm and everything's going to be just fi-" *BANG-CRACK*

A shot broke his smartphone, and David grimaced.

Soon enough, he was tackled, and Vari cuffed him.

“Oh... crapbaskets.”

“You’re coming with me, Alpha.”

“I prefer the term: follower.” David said in a very snarky tone, right before he was punched in the face.

“Shut it!”

David spit out some blood, and sighed.

'I am fucked. I guess the world finally found out my secret socialist views and wants me dead now.' He thought, desperately hoping that this was just some big misunderstanding.

“You’re going to help us find someone, a bunch of people actually, and your ‘buddy’ is going to help you help us too.”

David gulped, he knew of only one person who called him ‘buddy’...

“So come on, and-” Vari was cut off by a sudden loud, high-pitched noise.

*BWORRREEEEOOOOOORRRROOOOO* the sirens of a police car came in from the distance.

“Fuck you, the cops are here!” David elbowed the groin of the man and tried to get free.

Vari took the shot, thankful he was wearing a cup, and threw David to the ground.

He took out a small device and rolled it down the street like a bowling ball towards the cops’ car.

*clatter-takka-takka-takka-BOOM* the device blew the police car, as well as the officers inside it, to pieces.

David looked on in shock, and decided it wasn’t worth it anymore, this wasn't a misunderstanding, this was real.

Vari roughly grabbed David by the collar and hoisted him up.

“Fine, you win.” David said as he stopped struggling.

“The battle is over, but the war wages on.” Vari pulled out his teleporter remote and punched in the code for the mothership.

“The hell you talking about, and what the hell is-” The two teleported away, leaving nothing but sirens.

-Earth Alpha, Texarkana TX-

The man known in his little ‘company’ as P1, known as Evan in real life, sat in his room, a tab on his computer opened up to some hentai.

This was routine by this point, come home from the office, watch some Youtube, jerk off, maybe see Grace, and the second and third steps were sometimes switched.

It all depended on what day it was.

Outside, Evan’s girlfriend, Grace Starlight, was about to enter the house, when suddenly she was overcome by a sense of fear.

“HQ, I have the other one’s girlfriend, she’ll get us inside quietly.”

“Alright, keep it quiet, nearly the whole damn city got on our asses for David, let’s just hope that she knows how to shut up.”

“Hey, who’s ther- MPHM MPH...” Grace soon felt a wet rag on her mouth as she was grabbed from behind.

“Shhh... just take the chloroform, and relax.” Binner knew it wasn’t chloroform, but this woman probably didn’t know what a ‘deci-capacity-p/s-neurotoxin’ was, so he used a more common term.

Half conscious after about five seconds, Grace prayed to whatever god might listen to her right now for safety, or at least mercy.

Maybe Evan would burst out the door with his machete in hand, or maybe that background check was done, and he’d gotten that Five-seveN pistol.

Fate didn’t give her safety, but it had mercy on her, and the rag was removed right when she was on the border of blacking out.

“Open the door, quietly, go through whatever little routine or whatever you have, and keep quiet.” Binner commanded.

Grace hazily turned to the door and nodded lazily, fearing for her life and pulling out the key to the door.

*click* the door opened without a sound and she stepped inside softly.

Binner followed a few feet behind, watching as she walked over to an unmarked box on a table against one of the walls of the living room and opened it, putting on a cute little pair of cat ears.

“What the fuck are you doing?” The Collection agent asked.

“This is… normal for... us.” Grace tiredly answered, her energy sapped from the malignant chemicals in the anasthetic.

Putting on a cute face with a lazy smile, she led the way to Evan’s bedroom, opening the door softly.

Evan was busy watching a Minecraft video with his headphones on, sitting in his big fancy chair in a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt, completely unaware of his girlfriend walking in, or the presence of the other-dimensional agent behind her.

Satisfied from his daily wank, Evan laughed as the players did something funny, and froze for half a second when a pair of caring arms gently fell onto his shoulders.

“Hey babe, kawaii cat burglar’s here.” Grace greeted her man softly, nuzzling the top of his head.

“HOOOOHHHHHH! Kawaii desu, neko on'nanoko moshi moshi! Sono airashi!” Evan hammily acted out, making several wide, sweeping gestures and leaning his head all the way back.

Graced leaned forward and the two kissed, and Binner almost felt sympathy for them for a second.

Almost felt sympathy...

Almost.

"Teeheeheehee, I love you baby." Grace giggled softly.

"Ahehehe, I love you too-" Evan took a sharp intake of air as Grace was suddenly ripped away from him and thrown aside like trash.

A second later, Evan found himself being lifted by the shoulders and turned around.

“WHOA! SHIT! JE-JE-JE-JE-JESUS! JESUS NO! JESUS WHY?! JESUS HELP ME!” He could have sworn that he nearly became catholic in these times of panic.

A sharp slap to the face snapped him out of it, and he felt a lot more like talking business.

“AHHH! Okay, okay… *huff* I’m… *gulp* I’m good… *puff* What do you want from me?”

“We want the power that lays within you, Alpha, the power to create.”

“Well, I took one art course in high school, and I’m working as a manager, so… um… I’m creative?”

“That sounds like a stupid attempt at fixing this situation into your favor.”

“Well if the roles were reversed, wouldn’t you do the same?” Evan snapped back, the question hitting Binner hard.

The O.C.A. kept his cool, and held Evan up by one shoulder, turning his Desert Eagle .44 on Grace.

“NO! DON’T HURT HER!... I love her, I really do… Gray-gray, this might be the last time I talk to you.” Evan was panicking, and he always tended to let his emotions loose when panicking.

“Please, just… what do you want from us?” Grace demanded desperately.

“Not you, girl, him. You are a story-teller, is this not correct?” Binner demanded the blond man's answer.

“Well I DM for my friend’s D&D games, yeah, I make campaigns a lot, I improvise almost literally all the time… do you need me to write you a story?”

“Sort of… I will explain later… for now.” Binner put away his Desert Eagle and pulled out a can of Amnesia Spray, spraying Grace with it to make sure she forgot this whole event and didn’t cause a ruckus with any police reports.

Evan looked at his girlfriend, maybe for the last time, as well as snuck the Desert Eagle .44 to his pants, tucking it into the crotch area.

“I love you, Grace… I just thought I should let you know that.” he said, sounding hopeless and sad, but completely honest.

Binner punched in the code for the mothership, and the two disappeared.

Grace shook her head, trying to clear the fog in her thoughts.

She looked at Evan’s empty computer chair, his computer screen stuck on a paused Minecraft video.

“I guess he had to take a call… aww.” She stood up, wondering how she’d managed to stumble enough to fall in the first place, and left the house without any further question, putting the cat ears back in the box.

‘Oh well, maybe I can catch him tomorrow… yeah!’ she thought hopefully, smiling as she walked down the street, pretending to brush the plastic mane of her Rainbow Dash figurine with a finger as she was comforted by the fact that Evan honestly loved her.

-The Void, no time ever-

Damon looked at the two unconscious men sitting in the chairs across the table.

“Grr... This has David written all over it. I told him not to look for those ‘special’ people.” Damon said as he turned around, angry.

The sound of his voice roused the two men from their chemical-induced sleep.

“Wha...” David moaned.

“Nyam nyam nyam… *yawn* Oh shit… where the fuck am I?” Evan yawned.

“Wake up you two, I need your help.” Damon commanded, his baritone making him sound almost demonic.

“WHOA! DEMON DUDE! SHITSHITSHITSHIT SHIT SHIT SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT SHITSHIT!” Evan stood up and tried to run out of the room.

David on the other hand just stared as Damon suddenly found himself in between Evan and freedom.

“What the... OHGAW-*COUGH*!” Evan crashed into Damon’s larger form.

“Sit... DOWN!”

“Uh... yes… uh… name?” Evan asked.

“I am Damon, and you shall sit.”

Evan, for once, did as he was told, and sat in the chair.

David blew air, and looked at the demon.

“Well, looks like my fanfiction just came to life.” David said as he glared at the demon.

“Wait… wait what? I’m scared and confused right now… I was just watching some Youtube vids after jackin’ off, and then my girlfriend came in…”

“Too much info bro, but Damon here, he’s from my mind, and he’s kinda my dark side on world issues.” David explained.

“Huh, my other side is P1, the great Godfather creator of many, I have, like… over two dozen people from him, from a mage and knight, to an alchemist, to a soldier and a drone operator, to a barbarian and a master of war... and each have cool powers that I load them up with.” Evan remembered all of those stories, especially the more memorable ones.

“In my realm, however, you both are mere mortals who are nothing more than pawns in my chess game of faith. As for why I gathered you, an associate of mine has gone against my wishes, and now 24 individuals are now ready to try and kill me. You both are needed.”

“Huh… a miniature army… cooooooool.” Evan laughed.

“Not if they are after me.” Damon said, keeping calm.

“Well… I’m a gamer… sort of… who are they? I could give you some tips.” Evan said calmly, folding his hands over each other and leaning over the table.

“Same here.” David replied, tone rather calm for this situation.

“We have one named Michael the Guide.

“Duuuuude, Terraria, haven’t played that one in a little while… I always wondered how he got so smart, I guess he had like a knowledge-gaining power or something.” Evan gushed

“I never played that.” David informed.

“Steve?.”

“Block dude, deadmau5 loves Minecraft.” David replied.

“I play Minecraft plenty too, I’ve pretty much memorized all the crafting recipes.” Evan motioned for Damon to continue.

“Trevor Phillips.” Damon continued

“We’re fucked.” David said, now scared.

“AH! The… the other white guy from GTA V? Yeah, he’s pretty fuckin’ awesome.”

“Michael De Santa is the other guy, he’s a good gunner.” David conversed.

“The Postal Dude.”

“I played his game, he is quite... off.” David put airquotes around 'off'

“Never played dat… ain’t no idea mayun.” Evan imitated an african-american voice.

“Lee Everett.”

”OH SHIT! MAH BOIIIII!” Evan whooped and cheered, “Shame he done got bit though.”

“Don’t know him.” David sighed. “Bit?”

“Zombie stuff bruh.” Evan explained simply.

“Coach.”

“VAAAaaague. That’s like saying Doctor, or Priest, or Guy for crying out loud.” Evan replied.

“He fought infected.”

“Left 4 Dead 2, I like Nick.” David said.

“My buddy P2 likes Ellis, he and I play Coach and Ellis like a… ‘highschool all over again’ sorta game.”

“Who plays Rochelle though in a 4P game?

“Nobody likes Rochelle… nobody, not even the people that do.”

“What about after Francis had good lines with her?”

“Uh… Francis is pretty fuckin’ cool too, ‘I hate trains’...” Evan laughed again.

“Enough, Kurtis Stryker.”

“Mortal Kombat 9?” David asked.

“OOH! Dat SWAT boooiiiiiii, got dat gat gat with tha GLACK GLACK!” Evan mocked, making a handgun gesture.

“You’re weird, and I’m fucking crazy man.”

Evan wiggled his fingers at David, confusing him long enough for Damon to continue.

“The one known as ‘King Douchebag’.”

“SOOOOUUUUUTHHHH PAAAAAARRRRRRRKKK... *frrt*” Evan made a fart sound with his mouth.

“I wonder if Kenny was killed by your troops again.” David sighed.

“Nikolai Belinski.”

“Oh, that drunk Russian who fought zombies.”

“Nazi Zombies… yaaawwwwn.” Evan made a ‘go on’ gesture, resting his head on his hand.

“A man like David here.”

“Wait, what?” David raised an eyebrow.

“David~… David~~… WHO~?” Evan sarcastically joked with the ‘you don’t say’ face on.

“Spyro the Dragon.”

“Never played that game, but he’s cool like Spike… but without the ‘young’ part… sorta… I mean-” Evan just decided to stop for a second.

“I played his first three, and one of the reboot games.” David noted.

“Harry Potter.”

“YOU’RE A WIZARD HARRY!” Evan said in a Hagrid voice, "Wingadium LeviosAAAAAAAAHHHH~." He recited, doing a nearly perfect impression of that meme.

“A wizard against us. Brilliant.” David snarked.

“A man known as Soldier, or Jane Doe.”

“BLU or RED? They are similar, but different.”

“A man? Oh right, Soldier is fucking stupid, but in a smart way… not a… bad… way… I like TF2” Evan tried.

“Wade ‘Deadpool’ Wilson.”

“Also known as Dr. Professor Carlos Winston Lazarus McBatman, but he can’t spell that one.” Evan giggled, “My bro-ham P6 loves him, ‘cuz he’s got guns and katanas and stuff.”

“He’s my favorite, and also hard to control in writing him. He’s mine.” David cracked his knuckles.

“Master Chief Petty Officer John-’The Demon’-117.”

“I only played Halo 2.” David said. “Never liked XBox’s pay to play online thing.”

“Surprisingly, never played any of the games, but I know pretty much what it’s all about.”

“Steve the Lion-heart.”

“The one that goes Heyoo?” Evan asked.

“Yes.”

“Well, he’s... different.” David replied.

“Doomguy.”

“Oh, he’s a killer of demons, so you’re screwed if we don’t help” David said

“He literally has a gun called ‘The Unmaker’... that’s downright BADASS!” Evan whooped, “And you can’t forget the BFG-9000.”

“OH GOD YES!” David cheered.

“Wait… no… he was destroyed by a random asteroid attack… Arbiter.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.” David said.

“Arbiter is Chief’s BFF, and he’s got… like… he’s just fucking awesome, okay?” Evan didn't need REASON!

“Yes, but that’s not the point! Doomguy was killed off by... something th-”

“ENOUGH! Next is Link.” Damon snapped.

“HAAAAAH! HAAAYIH!” Evan imitated.

“Which one? There are many Links.” David said in a business-like tone.

“The one from the realm of Twilight Princess.”

“Twilight Princess, yeah, we can manage that.” David replied.

“Me and P2 have played that game through over fifty times.” Evan said proudly.

“Midna herself.”

“I think you will find that to be of little problem, if I was P1 right now… ooohoohoo… but I am most decidedly not, so we may be fucked.” Evan said in his own business tone.

“Ezio Auditore de Firenze.”

“Correction, we are, indeed, fucked.” Evan corrected, if Ezio ‘Motherfucking’ Auditore was in this… damn...

“Assassin’s Creed?” David raised an eyebrow.

“One of my own agents, Eye-scraper.”

“Lame!” David said.

“That sounds like a pun I would make… waitasec- does he have another name?”

“His name before I inducted him into the Organization was Blue Comet.” Dammnealed.

“OH SHIT! That's one of my characters, I thought he was just make-believe.” Evan recalled the dragon-ninja-assassin-soldier with metal wings perfectly, he was awesome in that adventure.

“So did I when I made this guy, don’t be surprised.”

“Yeah, he had this whole thing with a guy named Tenkage, and his weapon was like the Halo Spartan Laser combined with the Sniper Rifle, it was keeeewwwwllll.”

“Wilson Percival Higgsbury.”

“I played Don’t Starve before, was pretty fuckin’ great, got all the way to… like… fuckin’~... fuckin’~... Day 64.” Evan noted.

“I know a few things.”

“A man by the name of Adam Corleone.”

“That’s... a member of the mafia, they’re everywhere dude, you’re screwed.” Evan's definition of the mafia's presence was equivalent to 'you kill one, and they start pouring out of the goddamn walls.'

“I’d be more worried with the Cartel.” David replied, thinking about their less than subtle methods.

“Cartel’s too angry… Mafia’s just got a nice tangy twist.”

“Yakuza’s tougher though.”

“I don’t fucking care dude.” Evan was in favor of the mafia due to how awesome the movies were.

“As I was saying... Hmm...” Damon looked at the list, having lost track of who he’d said and who he hadn’t.

“What’s up? That all?”

“No. One named Albert ‘The Weasel’ Arlington.”

“I know him, if he has a Ray Gun, run. If he has a Blundergat, run. If he has a minigun, run.”

“Run very fast.” Evan knew much better than to mess with a minigun, much less a ‘blundergat’, and he didn’t need long to get an idea of what that was, and a ‘Ray Gun’?, “Yeah, run and juke.”

“And that’s not getting into the version of the Elements of Harmony that they befriended.”

“Equestria?” David and Evan replied in unison.

“You know what it is?” Damon was a bit surprised.

“Uh… pssh... brony for life, dude.” Evan pulled out a Fluttershy figurine, “Ya don’t just… not… it… you don’t not… okay?” Evan said as he gave Fluttershy a boop on the nose, grinned and chuckled, then put her back in his pocket.

“Er... well... I’m more covert about it. But I prefer Rarity.” David replied.

“I told my parents and all my friends, they know that -in comparison to the other shit I do- it’s a dwarf of a thing to judge me on.”

“My stepdad’s really scary, I won’t tell him.” David said.

“Dat’s cool, I ain’t judgin’.” Evan said in a bro tone.

“Enough, you know of Discord? Sombra?”

“Discord’s a crazy fuck who loves chaos.” David said.

“Sombra’s a surprisingly deep villain, if you’re willing to pick up a shovel and dig a little to find his character.”

“You don’t like him?” David asked.

“I do… he’s pretty cool, and it’s... it’s like… what I meant was that it’s not that obvious how deep his character runs, but it’s on the first and second layers of ‘taking the implications into consideration’, AKA… THINK ABOUT IT MOFO! Oh yeah, Discord… I like to think that Discord’s actually pretty young, like… less than ten thousand years old.” Evan said as though that was not a long time.

“Tirek is just plain badass though.”

“Hell yeah... WHERE, IS YOUR MAGIC?!” Evan did a good Tirek impression.

“Enough! The Endermen have decided to aid these people in their quest against me. You two will use whatever powers you have, and stop them.”

“Oh fuck man, Endermans can go toe-to-toe with Herobrine…” Evan remembered an awesome video that he’d partially taken into his head-canon.

“Herobrine? You made some people?”

“I made plenty, but not Herobrine, he’s the big scary myth that almost everyone who plays Minecraft knows about… but I digress, I make a lot of OCs, I even made a couple OCs for my girlfriend.”

“Yes, as for the protection, I have asked two others from other worlds that I befriended on some random occasion.” He snapped his fingers, and in came a Victorian looking man with some kind of copper bat on his back, and a cowboy looking person with a steampunk arm replacing his right arm.

“So, Victorian-era and steampunk.” David thought, looking closer.

“Victorian, AKA Steampunk, and Cowboys? Actually, funny enough, those two periods were at the same time period, in the late 1800s, early 1900s.”

“When I think about it... Alex and Gerald, more OCs of mine.”

“Dude, your OCs are real? Oh shit… if Shane is real… FUUUUCK!” Evan recalled that creation, he was a cruel and wicked rapist with a S&W 29 .44 revolver that he could summon at will.

“What?” Gerald asked. “What is he blabbering about?”

“He’s a fool who has power, and we need him.” Damon explained.

Alex sighed, and grabbed Evan by the arm.

“She’s not good with conversation, she’s mute.”

“She’s a she?” Evan asked, looking at the not-very-feminine-looking form of Alex, “Huh, I couldn’t see the face all that well, but now that I do… shit man.” Evan stood up on his own.

“Hey, tall and skinny chicks with flat chests exist too.”

Alex pulled a revolver and had it aimed at David in half a second.

“Do not.” Damon warned, raising a hand.

“Hows we’s sposed to helps iffins we’s gets our headses blown off?” Evan asked in an imitation of Satan from Leo & Satan, keeping the mood afloat.

“We could reanimate, I worked with Victor Frankenstein, actually, more like roommated with him.” Gerald proposed.

“I do not accept this guy anymore, my headcanon dictates that Steampunks are the enemies of Necromancers, i’s nawt RIGHT!” Evan went dumb for a second.

“Well, they’re not your headcanon, and they’re from different worlds.”

“Yes, I met them during an improbable event.” Damon explained. “They are odd, but friendly.”

“Well how awfully convenient of you sir, have you perchance met an alchemist wielding thor’s hammer?”

“No.”

“Well damn… Shaun would be really good to have, especially after that matter-conversion segway to Captain America transformation scene.”

“Enough, take these two to their holding rooms.” Alex and Gerald nodded and took their respective human out of the room.

“I’ll need to work on Africa now, though... some whites are uprising and being angry at the apartheid being decimated, repeatedly.” Damon smirked.

--

Evan sang as he was dragged down the hall.

“I’M NOT AFRAID~, NOT AFRAID~... YOU GOTTA LOSE yourself, in the moment, you own it, you gotta never ever let GO!” He hashed together some Eminem raps.

“You’re not this annoying online.” David found himself annoyed, surprised at the inversion of personalities.

“This is just WHO I AM, ONCE AGAIN, I THINK I reallymessedupthis sooong~... IhavenoideawhatI’mdoingohgodhelpme.” Evan trailed off, getting tossed into his cell.

“Shush.” An Interrogation Agent commanded.

“OH YEAH? ALPHA POWA!” Evan fruitlessly flexed his hands to cast a spell.

“P1, shut the fuck up! I want to sleep before I get yelled at.” David said from the cell across the five-feet wide hallway.

“P1… if I was him... you’d see that this place be gone in a blast of holy green flames.” Evan made an explosion sound and burning sounds with his mouth.

“And If I was AD17, I’d summon the powers of Sam and Max, Rick Sanchez, and CJ of San Andreas.”

“Who’s to say we aren’t? RED VERSUS BLUE! Alpha made dat AI sheeit, because the real him wanted one… orsomethingokayIfuckedupthestory. But we got stuff… so the wibbly wobbly timey wimey detector goes ding, then he finds out the ‘stuff’ is actually new power of himself and stuff.”

“My God, what have I done when I made this fanfiction?” David realized what was happening, and slumped over.

“You… FUCKED UP! YA FUCKED RIGHT UP! You fucked in the up direction, and now shit is going in the down direction. You have undoubtedly fucked-” He stopped when the door opened.

Alex suddenly came into the cell and punched out Evan.

“Thank you!” David yelled out in exasperation.

Alex nodded, and went out of the cell.

Evan awoke from his brief unconsciousness with a start, “I don’t like Alex, she’s a bitch, or is the other one the girl… I don’t know, I’m lost... and cold… and a bit hungry…*realistic fake sob*” Evan put his head in his hands.

“Well, the West is a tough place to live in, she’s all alone, and being an nonromantic asexual, she didn’t go around a lot. And I know that’s fake.”

“Yeah, but it sounded real, didn’t it?” Evan did the realistic sobbing again.

“Real, alright.”

Evan gave a goofy smile.

“Real fake.”

“HAHAHA... this guy is my new second idol!” Gerald laughed.

“WOOWWWWWW!... DIIIIIIIIIICK!” Evan made an explosion gesture.

“I suppose Deadpool would have a field day with you.” David snarked.

“I’m famous amongst the elderly… no seriously, they all love me.”

“Maybe it’s your youthful energy,” Gerald prepared the joke.

“Or my gewd lewks.” Evan said in a cutesy voice.

“Good... for a gorilla maybe.” Gerald laughed.

“Yep... Gerald Ivo, the crazy electrophile with a complex against mad scientists who do nothing with their inventions.”

“OH YEAH! WELL FUCK YOU! Hesitate… and you lose.” Evan motivated himself.

He opened the door to his cell, which had been left unlocked and ran in the opposite direction of Gerald and Alex.

The two just stood there.

“Blocked off exits?” David asked.

“Yes.”

“Guarded heavily?”

“Indeed.”

“I have no chance of going home.” Evan asked, having stopped for a second.

“No.” Gerald informed matter-of-factly

“... Alright then… and I’m willing to drop to my knees and beg acceptance from whoever I meet at the pearly gates… so~, therefore, have absolutely, positively...NOTHING TO LOSE, RIGHT?” Evan ran sideways away.

“Transfer me, please.” David said in an almost desperate tone.

Gerald and Alex walked into the cell, cuffing David and moving him to the cell across the hall, AKA the cell that Evan had been in ten seconds ago.

“Thank you, with all my love, but do it farther away.”

Then David smelled Evan’s little surprise.

“Did… *sniff* ugh, did he fart in here?”

“Maybe... wait, yeah, he did.”

“Take me to another wing! NOW!!!”

David was dragged by both Gerald and Alex to another wing of the mothership, confident that Evan would be caught.

“Doon, doon-doon, doon-doon, doon, doon--doon...” Evan quietly sang the Mission Impossible theme as he snuck by a couple of guards, thankful that he was only wearing his soft pajama pants and a form-fitting dark-gray t-shirt, "Luckilythissonggivesplus600tosneaking-doodoodoo~, doodoodoo~."

His feet made quiet padding sounds, and the humming of various machines throughout the facility easily drowned it out.

He made his way to the armory, which was conveniently labeled Armory.

Inside, he found many weapons, and selected a few.

A hammer that was obviously Mjolnir, which he picked up with ease, due to the conflicting auras of goodness and badness inside his head.

‘Good work Creator.’

‘Thanks P1, hey… can you come out of my head, and maybe help me get my buddy outta jail so we can bail to Equestria?’

‘I will do all in my limited power.’

‘Sweetness bruh.'

The lights went out as a lot of the ship’s magical power supply was drained suddenly, leaving Evan feeling ever-so-slightly woozy as he changed.

‘It is done, as I shan’t harm you, Creator.’

‘Or poke my butt, thanks mang.’

Evan felt lighter and stronger, knowing the power of embodiment powers from his D&D monk character experiences.

Putting the Mjolnir down, he summoned up two of his hard-made characters.

Blue Comet and Mogar Ragom.

“What the? Who are you?” Blue had been in a sparring match with Ezio, and now he was here.

“I made you, Blue, I am Lord P1.”

“Holy shit… and him?” Blue knew the origins of his existence, he had been in an Equestria that accepted pegasus OC ponies instead of copies.

“Mooooogaaaaaarrrr!” Mogar whisper-yelled his name, putting on a spring-camo shirt and pulling out a pair of tomahawks.

“Yeah, find out whatcha can and I’ll get my buddy Davy up in this… go go go.” P1 pulled out his silenced Desert Eagle .44.

The gun he’d taken from the agent who’d taken him away from his girlfriend, the silencer was just an added touch.

Luckily nobody had desired to check the bulge in his pants, for obvious reasons.

“Ahh~... just make it a penis, and they will not touch it… fucking prude-ass bitches…” He used his limited magic to change himself back down from 6’6” to his normal 5’8” and began making his way through the halls.

Soon enough, he came upon the cell blocks again, and merely looked for David’s OCs, which he knew would be standing outside of his cell.

Summoning up Isaac Memoar, a bio-tech Terminator-style robot that was dressed much like the members of the ship’s crew, he had himself pretendingly led back to his cell.

“Back to ya cell, NAOW!” Isaac ordered in his baritone voice with a strong southern accent, making him sound like a western town sheriff.

“Alright, alright, gawsh, stop pushing, GEEZ I’M GOIN’ GEEZ!” Evan was prodded in the back several times as he was forced back into his cell.

“What’s up with that new shirt?” Gerald noticed Evan’s change in attire.

Rather than dark red pajama pants, the blond man was now wearing dark gray jeans, and his shirt now had a picture of an angel’s wings on the back

“You’re hallucinating, I was always wearing this.” Evan lied, hiding his now-sand-colored eyes from view.

“He’s right, I was watching him during that little meeting these two had with Damon.” Isaac assured, pushing his glasses up and walking away, “This matter is closed.” he called back to them after a few seconds.

P1 smirked, “Hey David?”

“Whaaat?” David replied.

“Are you sitting on your bed?” The small man stepped over to the door, ducked low with his Desert Eagle .44 suppressed in hand.

“Yeah, just on my bed, laying back against the wall, looking at the door, no… I won’t be able to see you sticking your tongue out at me from here, the door is, like, five feet in front of me and to the left.” David informed, trying to get his surprisingly-annoying friend to stop whatever he was doing.

“Aw… well… MOOOOOOGAAAAAAARRR!” The glasses-wearing man barbarian shouted.

Alex was about to shoot him, just for sanity’s sake, but both she and Gerald found themselves chopped in the back by tomahawks, then bashed in the temples with the blunt ends, knocked out.

Evan used the limited-right-now power he had from P1 to summon a copy of his Deagle .44 suppressed, then fired both and blew out the locks on the door.

He shot the locks off of David’s door and walked inside.

“Come on, mount bayonets and prep ‘nades, we’re getting out of here, just absorb the ship’s magic, and while you do, I’ll keep watch, Mogar on the right, Blue Comet on the left.”

“Wait what? How did you… where did Blue Comet come from?” David asked as he pondered how, exactly, one ‘absorbs the ship’s magic’

“He’s my OC, so technically he exists completely because of my will. However he’s gone meta, so I can’t destroy him at will anymore, unfortunately the same goes for the Damon guy, so we can’t just droffa our way out of this.”

“Droffa?” David tried to focus on ‘magic’.

“It’s the opposite of afford, the way it works is basically... it’s like if in the season four finale, Twilight just magic-nuked the fuck out of Tirek, and that just, like, killed him. A cheap-ass ending. Basically droffa is where you can’t do something because you have too much money, and doing it with too much makes you a super fuckin’... douchebag mofo son of a bitch.” Evan noticed David’s struggle with the magic.

He lent a helping hand, that hand Matrix-surgeried the method of it into David’s head, and David simply went from there, becoming Awesomedude17.

“Some might call that droffa too, but it was just too… shut up, come on, I have intel, Isaac.” P1 summoned his android again.

“I have hacked into the surveillance systems and found the shortest path to the teleporter room.”

“Awesome bro-ham, lead the way.” P1 commanded.

Isaac led the way, with P1 following him, Awesomedude17 following P1, and Mogar and Blue taking up the rear and watching everyone’s six o'clock.

“How has Damon not found out about us escaping yet?” Awesomedude asked with the hope that he didn’t jinx them.

“Isaac hacks into a profile and then legit-accesses files, so we didn’t trip any firewall alarms, my pistols are suppressed, so nobody heard that I gunned us out, I play stealth games, I know what some people will and won’t think is normal.” P1 explained as the group came upon a large room with dozens of sterile-white pods filled with blue lights, so many pods that they lined the walls.

“Alright... maybe if you can summon others… then maybe...”

David snapped his fingers, and a wormhole ripped open, revealing a battlefield, and a two men knife fighting. The two looked towards the rip in space and time, and AD looked through.

“I am the god of your world, and you two are coming with me, got it?” AD didn’t even give the two a chance to answer as he hopped in, grabbed the two just as the oil-refinery they were in that was about to explode, then hopped back to the other reality.

“Boize... who the hell are...”

“Dmitri Vulakh, Romero Lopez, you two are from a world that I aided in shaping.”

“Is that why’s the world’s so horrible?” Romero asked.

“No, that would be assholes. Dmitri, you help Isaac there, and I’ll use my godmode powers to finally relax.” David snapped his fingers to reveal a floating lounge chair, and swapped his old outfit for a beach outfit.

“Lazy prick.” Romero took aim with a silenced rifle.

“Hmm... this seems to be rather advanced technology. I do not know if I can hack this.” Dmitri looked on.

“I can.” Isaac replied, ripping the skin off his hand, revealing robotic fingers.

“I’ll summon a distraction, or two.” David snapped his fingers, and the alarms went off.

"Breach Detected in Mess Hall, ALL PERSONNEL REPORT!!!" the intercom blared.

“I wonder how They will fuck this place up.”

“Who’re they?” Dmitri asked.

“Sam and Max, Freelance Police.”

“You know, the way you’re doing things, you’re actin’ like an AYUSS.” P1 remarked as David switched outfits to business attire.

“Maybe, but hey, these are the powers I chose to have, you could’ve gone God of Insanity like me.” AD said, smirking.

“I very well could have, and I could have this place flooded with lava and semen, if I wanted, but I need some time to charge to full power, I cannaet du-et laddie.” P1 said as his fists clenched and a neon liquid squirted from his grip.

“Well, at least the guards are passing us by.” Romero said.

“Isaac, are you done?” Dmitri asked.

“Yeah, and soon P1 can copy more’a them powers he does, that’s m’lawd, he’s a sponge.” Isaac noted in his deep voice and strong southern drawl, saluting to his creator.

“Good,” AD said. “Here is the plan, Dmitri, Romero and I will go to the Equestria where Harry is, and the rest go to Michael.”

“I got the code.” P1 cracked his knuckles and began entering the code.

“♩My little pony~, friendship is magic~, season 2 time, let’s see, VAARRIIIIIAAANNNNTS!” P1 sang as he entered in ‘Equestria, time: season 2.’

“Wait...” Dmitri trailed off.

“Different Equestria, period, guys. Your world is grim, but at least you didn’t see the sequel.” AD said.

“Sequel?” Romero asked, confused.

“It was fucking crazy bros. Two men smoked catnip and well... shit happened.”

“I do not want to know.” Dmitri replied, kinda confused.

In a few seconds, a teleporter pod slid from its position on the wall to the activator slot on the floor-level.

“Alright, head on through, I’m getting the codes, so I’ll go second.” P1 said as he pulled out his Deagle .44 S and aimed it down the hallway.

AD and his guards stepped into the pod, and in a wave of blue light, was gone.

P1 looked down the hall, hoping that nobody came to him while he was putting in the codes to find the other Equestria.

Selecting the correct Equestria, he waited the few seconds it took for the pod to slide into position.

A loud *THUD THUD THUD* came rushing down the hall.

“Sand?!” He called out, knowing that his ‘p-awns’ would answer correctly.

“I’LL CRUSH YOU TO SAND!” It was Damon, and he was pissed.

The teleporter activated.

“OH SHIT NYUGA! TACTICAL DIIIIIIIIIIIIVE-HNNG-BEHHHHHH” P1 shouted as he dove towards the pod, barely going under a punch from Damon that would have broken his head off his neck.

The light flashed, and he was gone, but not before shooting Damon in the foot with his DE.44S.

“THAT’S FOR MY KITTY!” he angrily shouted as his body was transported elsewhere.

Damon merely shrugged off the attack, and snarled at the escape.

“*sigh* Those humans are insufferable.”

“Cheer up...”

“Quiet you.” Damon interrupted the Hyperkinetic Rabbity Thingy that had been terrorizing the kitchen staff.

“Sir, this changes nothing, those two cain’t do anything comparable to your power.” Isaac informed, pretending to be on Damon’s side.

“Yes... who are you?” Damon asked.

“Mah name is Director Isaac Memoar, former leader of the Mother of Invention, at your service.”

“Ah... how could I forget?” Damon walked up to the cyborg.

“You sound like the Director from RvB.” Mogar said as he disappeared into pixels.

“Yes, that is an amusing series.” Damon continued his walk.

“I was based on him, yes, entirely so, and I am willing to serve you, sir.” Isaac said, saluting and putting his other hand on the button that activated his Lightscythe

“Yes, I know.” Damon then took out a massive handmade revolver and shot Isaac in the face.

“After all, I know only my own troops. Never do that again.” Damon said, looking at Issac’s body as it slowly fell.

However, the main processors weren’t completely destroyed, so he weakly swung his Lightscythe at Damon, cutting into his arm before being knocked back.

“Alphas... bah.” Damon sighed, supported his half-severed arm, and walked out of the room, letting the troops clean up.

-Universe: Equestria Iota-2, Location: The Crystal Kingdom, Time: Day 2 of the PSR (post-Sombra-return) era, Weather: still kinda warm-

P1 appeared in a large room underground, reading the location stamp in the corner of his vision.

"Alright then... sweet, so I need to find some hoo-mans... juss lahk me."

The chamber seemed to be a huge sort of storage room, filled almost shoulder-to-shoulder with zombies.

A huge painted sign on the wall read Red Power Base 99, Experiments Lab, B1

“Fuck.” P1 used his powers to awaken the sand-colored wings upon his back, flying across the room to the elevator.

He opened fire with Dual DE.44S, his divinely reinforced structure easily supporting the akimbo fire, killing about a couple dozen zombies as the doors shut, then the elevator raised him one floor higher.

Casting a light spell, he made his way outside, and into the bright light of the Crystal Kingdom.

“Cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo*breathe*ooooooooooooolllllllllllll.” He said as he began making his way towards the Crystal Castle.

He only hoped that he would get a chance to hug Fluttershy before hell broke loose.

Author's Note

So, here it is, chapter 5.

Whew, we got a lot done here, didn't we?

[If you're wondering how CO's fight with Blue Comet went, and just how accurate David was in his guessing, then check out Hexed Lives.

If you aren't, then check it out anyway, the link's right there, it's like you don't even have to do anything to get more stuff to read, it's even on this line too!](https://www.fimfiction.net/story/180817/hexed-lives)

P1: Remember: do drugs, stay out of school, don't eat vegetables, and don't take my advice, now the fellow Ps who helped AD17 with this chapter while I was sick will now give their own messages.

P3: Take care, URL safe, don't drink and drive, and remember: I'm watching you.

P4: a picture's worth a thousand words, and yours might be worth a million, and remember: Create more, destroy less.

P5: Remember: if coconuts can grow in Los Angeles, then you can accomplish your dreams.

P1: alright, coooooooooooooool, now if you'll excuse me, I need to find more tissu-*ACHOO*

The Silver Tragedy

-Crystal Kingdom, Day 2 of the PSR era-

P1 kept walking down the street with his empty hands resting behind his head, ready to magically draw his modified Dual Deagle.44s.

“Alright dudio, disciprine, conserve power for later usage, luckily yonder source is about half a mile away.” He said to himself as he focused more energy.

A pulse of yellow energy was emitted from his body, and he sighed, “Alright, hunter hoodie, GO!” His black shirt was suddenly covered by a large winter-camo jacket.

He cracked his neck, earning some satisfying *pop* sounds, then his head snapped towards a presence, and he saw Lee standing on a rooftop.

“Hey there bro-seph!” He called out in his slight southern drawl.

“Uh… hi… who are you?” Lee said as he dropped down, staying several feet away.

The godly man thought for a few moments.

(Lee will remember this)

Player 1 of the Player Company

Lord P1, god extraordinaire

-> Just call me Evan <-

It’s none of your goddamn business.

“Just call me Evan… I’m a… I work in business. You look like a man who’d be named Lee.”

“As a matter of fact, I am a man named Lee, that’s some good guessing you got there… so what brings you here?”

“Um… well… fuck it YOLO, I was taken in by a guy named Damon, but he wanted me to kill peoples, and I basically said ‘FUCK YOU MAN, I AIN’T DOIN’ DAT SHIT’, and so I came here and I’m going to help your group… Lee, Coach, Steve?, Michael, Trevor, Nikolai, Postal Dude, Albert Weasel guy, Stryker, Dovahkiin, Spyro, and David.”

“Uh… David ain’t here anymore.” Lee lamented.

“LOL wut?” P1 prayed that Lee was wrong.

“He uh… he was killed, by-”

“BY THAT BITCH AGENT 4 AND HER ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND!” Trevor revealed as he ran up to the two.

“Okay… so you look like you are Trevor, hi, I’m Evan… if you can be a dear and point me in the direction of the six mares that aren’t crystal ponies, then that I’d really appreciate it.”

“Castle, it’s the giant-ass tower thing in the middle of town, yer blind if ya miss it.”

“I can see it just fine, thanks… alright BYEEE!” P1 spread his wings and flew to the castle.

“Well that was weird.” Lee said as he watched the flying man depart.

“It’s perfectly fine, all things considered… c’mon, we have to find those agent cunts.” Trevor shrugged as he pulled out his flamethrower and motioned for Lee to take to the air.

The half-zombie nodded and leapt onto a nearby rooftop, then resumed his roof-hopping.

Shining Armor was awoken by a kick to the side, he looked up and found an extremely large and imposing black figure standing over him.

An equally tall, but much skinnier figure came up beside him.

“Alright, Dark Duo, ya done good, kids, ya done good.” P1 said as the two figures stepped back.

Shining was lifted to his hooves by P1’s telekinesis.

“Alright, Name: Evan, Rank: Psychotic God of Goodness and Le Epics, Intention: Help you out in the most cray-cray and badass way possible.”

“Um… thanks?” The knight said as he looked at the Dark Duo

“This is Prins Terminator den Första, Swedish for Prince Terminator the First… he’s epic… and this is Saint Lackluster the Evanescent… he’s hardcore. Okay ORDERS: both of you, establish a perimeter around the castle and prepare your Shield Walls and Magic Missiles.”

The two nodded and made their way down the castle, both spreading wings of their own, black dragon wings for Terminator, midnight blue for Lackluster.

“Okay, I am here to help, so first, Albert Arlington I presume?” P1 nudged the inmate in the side, “Hey, you’re officially acquitted of all charges.” He informed.

Albert shot upright and gave P1 his undivided attention, “Really?” He was hopeful that this imprisonment would end swiftly.

“Yeah really, now c’mon, up, let’s go, this is serious business.” The blonde said as he gestured with a thumb to the stairs.

“Hold on, you don’t have legal authority here, and plus, HE’S A MURDE-” The white stallion stopped when P1’s influential magic struck his mind.

“He’s a murder-preventer, he’s a good guy, and you and everyone else will see him this way, that is all.” P1’s hand was covered in golden light.

Shining nodded ‘yes’ and shook his head clear, “What happened?”

“You stumbled and hit your head, I was just coming to get Albert here.” P1 said with a smile as he put his hands in his pockets and walked away.

“Yeah… stumbled.” Albert confirmed, following the guy who had so generously busted him out.

The two were gone before Shining could think properly.

“I need to be more careful then… oh damn my head hurts.” The unicorn groaned as he trudged to the medical bay to get some painkillers.

P1 and Albert stood under the castle, P1 was practically touching the Crystal Heart with how close he was to it, and he was quickly building up his power levels so that he could sustain himself.

“Okee, so, moving on… Albert, I’m going to get the others… stay here.”

The Weasel nodded and leaned against one of the three support struts, looking at the Crystal Heart as it floated there between the crystal spikes.

“Ah, Albert comrade, did you break out of jail?” Nikolai greeted, taking a gulp of vodka.

“No, a new guy showed up, some ‘Psychotic God of Goodness and Lepers’ or something.”

“Leprosy not good, comrade. He not sound good, but surely he did not say lepers? Where is he now?”

“Going to get the others, I was told to wait here.”

“I am one of others, so I wait with you, comrade.”

Nikolai leaned against the support strut next to Albert, then found himself attempting to copy Albert’s pose, but failing to do so due to being drunk.

“So… we talk about things?” The drunk russian tried to start a conversation.

“Okay… um… so do you have a family?”

“Da, but is not good, especially cousin, fifth marriage did not last long, her fault.”

“She was married 5 times? Damn…” Albert couldn’t even imagine getting married twice.

“No, I was… at the time… we married.”

“Oh I see-...” Albert clamped his mouth shut as the sentence actually registered in his head.

“Da, and wife number 3 was fat bitch, let me tell you…” Nikolai’s words were drowned out by Albert’s sole thought.

‘This is going to be a loooooong conversation.’ And Nikolai was still talking!

David and Agent 4 continued their roof-hopping, and eventually found a newcomer in town, walking down the street below.

“Get a load of this guy.” Agent 4 snarked, “Winter was so… literally last season.”

“He doesn’t look like much, but looks can be deceiving.” David said as he scrutinized P1.

‘He seems to possess a powerful source of dark magic… I will test this out.’

‘Good riddance… asshole cunt.’

P1 walked down the street, his black Vans sneakers making rubbery padding sounds on the crystal road as he stepped, looking for other humans.

‘Dammit dammit dammit, fuckin’ shit, WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE!?!?!’

‘No need for such harsh language, dear sir.’

‘Maxwell of Maxworld, I know that voice anywhere, and I can picture you in my mind.’

‘Yes, it’s very well organized in here, do you have an organization disorder?’

‘Sort of… I can’t stand things being out of place… anyways… whaddya want? I’m kinda busy right now.’

‘Well, my friend David has been following you, and I noticed that you have great power with dark magic.’

‘I knew about them following me, I have a radar… and tell David that lying like he is isn’t going to work out in the end. ALSOOOO I have power with dark sorcery too, but sorcery is like evil magic, dark is an element, like fire or water, I have power with all elements… anyways NO, you can’t have any of my dark magic, it’s MY dark magic!’

Maxwell found himself barricaded away from P1’s thoughts, and decided to go back to David.

‘Aw shit, he’s back… FUCK OFF!’

‘I already fucked off, and when I got to the place I fucked off to, I fucked off from there, and I kept fucking off until I got back here… by the way David, that guy knows that you’ve been following him, he has a radar, whatever that is.’

‘Oh shit.’

“Oh shit.”

“What?” Agent 4 asked.

“I think he knows we’re following him, so he’s probably leading us away from the others.” David informed, trying to sound like he was guessing.

“Then we can take him out no problem.” Rarity silently dropped down behind P1 and activated her silent steps and invisibility cloak.

‘Yeah, come on, FIGHT LIKE A DAVID!’

David was conflicted, he wasn’t supposed to actually be evil, just pretend for a while, but if he didn’t follow, then Agent 4 would know that something was up.

He lowered himself onto the ground and quietly followed behind P1.

P1 suddenly stopped walking, shaking slightly.

Rarity walked up and stood a few feet to his side, ready to attack.

“.....*breathe in*” P1 readied for something.

“♪Oh…

♪Let me tell you a secret:
Even the devils have rejects.
Comin’ for me? Best believe it.
Divine for good, but I’ll send you to heaven or hell in pieces.
Chaotic Good, do what I have to save the peoples

♪I got a brain of sand.
So yeah, I’m quite insane

♪Oh I might use for face, to wipe my ass,
or stuff your mouth, with my sack.
It’s funny when I break yo’ bones, and I like to LAUGH
Try to fuck with my head, I bet you can’t.
‘Cuz you can’t break the mind of a PSYCHOPATH!

BEEYITCH!” P1 instantly turned to the side and shot Rarity in the leg with one Deagle.

Rarity cried out in pain from the sudden attack.

Another shot from the other Deagle hit David in the side of the arm, though it was barely a grazing shot.

He saw P1 give him a knowing wink.

“What the-” David pulled out his Dual MP5s and began spraying bullets at P1.

Or at least, at the space that P1 occupied a few seconds ago.

He was flying away, raining bullets down all around the two, far more and far faster than what normal Deagles could manage.

“He’s really bad at aiming.” Rarity said as she mended the hole in her leg and watched the bullets hit everywhere but her and/or Condition One.

‘No, darling, he’s missing us on purpose.’

“No, darling, he’s missing us on purpose.” David repeated Condition One’s words.

“Right now is not the time for pleasantries, right now is the time to evade.”

“Right, on it.” David pulled out his own teleportation remote and began entering the code for the Mothership.

Suddenly, what seemed to be another shot hit the Enter button mid-code, teleporting him somewhere completely different.

“Well shit.” Agent 4 said as she looked up at P1...

...Who happened to be right above her, then he back flipped several times and landed several feet away, telekinetically lifting the many bullets that had been lodged into the crystal street up and at attack level with Agent 4.

“You should know that Condition One will avenge me with unstoppable fury, right?” She warned, not scared of the man in front of her.

“He may have the balls to face me, but he doesn’t have the hitpoints, and plus… Sectumsempra, motherfucker!”

Rarity cried out in pain as dozens of small 7-shaped wounds opened up on her body with the burning pain of magic.

“Alright, if you live to get it, there’s a medkit with a single-use healing spell on that roof there, that one, that one there, see it? That one. Got it? Here’s a big neon sign to point it out for you.” P1 summoned a huge green neon sign that was pointing to one rooftop, “Okee bai.” He said, waving at her and teleporting away.

Rarity easily parkoured her way up, despite her wounds, and used the healing spell, which also restored her blood-count and cleaned up the burn wounds on her legs from the electrocution she’d faced yesterday.

“Great, now I need to find David… I wonder where he is?” The white anthro-unicorn thought aloud as she made her way across the city.

Stryker and Dovahkiin were eating some donuts while the latter charaded the rest of what had happened while the former, and the other five, were gone.

“I see… well, that’s not really much, any other kombat?”

The young boy nodded ‘no’.

“Well that’s good… anyways… is that Albert and Nikolai over there?”

Dovahkiin wondered why Albert was out of prison.

Of course, stupid adult Stryker was affected by the mind-altering magic of P1, and thus was not aware that Albert should have been locked up.

However, Dovahkiin was too young to be affected by the poorly-cast mind magic, and thus he knew the truth.

“Hm? Oh hello… Stryker komrade.” Nikolai greeted, at least acting civil.

“Must you make fun of me like that?”

“Da, Nikolai must demean your capitalist ways somehow, komrade.”

“Um… I don’t get it.” Albert said, confused as to how saying comrade was offensive or demeaning.

‘Just read the subtitles.’ Dovahkiin instructed, being at eye-level with said subtitles.

Stryker heard the flapping of wings and looked around, seeing P1 flying towards the group from the left, and Rainbow Dash flying in from the right.

“AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!” P1 laughed cheerfully as he caught Rainbow Dash midair and spun himself and her around as they descended to the ground.

“What in the name of Celestia was that?” The spectrum-maned mare asked, not knowing this new human and just being really, really confused.

“I was just having fun… okay… Fluttershy, where is she?” P1 asked, flexing his arms.

“She’s at the petting zoo, cleaning up and letting the animals back into the fields.” Rainbow informed, watching the man raise a hand and snap his fingers.

P1 disappeared.

Fluttershy hummed a quiet little song as she let all the cute little critters go, watching them start to frolic in the fields.

“Beautiful.” A gentle voice said behind her.

“Yes they are.”

“I wasn’t talking about the animals, Fluttershy, I was talking about you.” P1 said as he picked Fluttershy up and hugged her, nuzzling her and generally being as cuddly and personal-space-invading as Pinkie Pie.

Fluttershy started off scared, but was quickly comforted by the magic-enhanced hug, and soon started hugging back with a little smile on her face.

P1 was smiling wide, his life significantly more complete.

He teleported back to the castle while giving Fluttershy a piggy-back ride.

“Okay, I got her, and I need all the others too, otay? Otay, chop chop like the block block of the ayuxe with the ayuss.” P1 switched out his casual wear for a lion-fur robe, no shirt, gray dress-pants, no shoes, and Fluttershy laying on his chest.

He floated while laying face-up horizontally on a cloud bed.

“Get back here as soon as possible, I could gather all of them up… but I don’t have the knowledge of where they are.”

Lee landed in front of the small group, shortly followed by Trevor in his truck, the flamethrower’s nozzle held out the window.

“Okay, who’s the guy with the pony on him?” Trevor asked, looking at P1’s relaxed position, his hands behind his head as he chilled out.

“Name’s Evan, or P1 if you will, I would actually prefer you calling me P1, it’s easier to say… anyways, find the others, bring them here, and then we’ll talk, because this is serious business we’re dealing with here.” He said, sighing in contentedness.

All but Trevor nodded and went to find the others.

Trevor turned off his truck and walked up to P1, looking at him with a scrutinizing glare.

“So, ya think yer tough huh? Just cuz you can do yer weirdo floaty thing and change clothes by snappin’ yer fingers?” The balding man inquired.

“I don’t think, I drink… and act… mainly act, actually I’m nine years sober… JK I never drank in the first place… anyways… don’t you have someone to find?” P1 inquired back.

“Yeah, David, but he’s dead, that bitch Agent 4 and her new boyfriend killed him, we went over this already.”

“Oh yeah, right… so… yah, wanna hear about the cowboy who lived under raids?”

“No.”

“Well then… TOO DAMN BAD!” P1 said, clearing his throat and telling the tale he’d made up.

-Somewhere in the Northern Frozen Wasteland, west of the Crystal Kingdom-

David appeared at the mouth of a cave, right on the edge of a slope.

“Oh shit!” He gasped as he lost his balance and fell down the slippery, snowy slope, feeling something fly off of his person as he hit the bottom.

His iPod was lost in the snow, and the button had been hit to play a song.

The crystalline walls of the cave reverberated the sound all around, making it sound like the music was coming from everywhere at once.

David scrambled around to find his lost iPod.

Wilson scrambled around to find his lost Light Sword.

‘Well, that could have gone better, dipshit.’

‘Hello? Anozzer blue voice? Vhat are joo doing here?’

‘What? Who the hell are you, sauerkraut?’

‘As Deadpool vould say, RACIST!’

‘Wait, Deadpool? Who am I even hearing?’

‘Hello fruend, my name iz Wilson Higgsbury, I can hear jour thoughts at this level of insanity… how are joo doing today?’

‘Um, not so good.’

‘HELP! I’M TRAPPED IN MY OWN HEAD! MY NAME IS DAVID AND HE’S HOLDING ME CAPTIVE!’

‘Shut the fuck up Condition One, I’m David, and you’re just a part of me, the crazy part.’

‘I vish I could have a separate crazy part, zadly I do not.’

There was a few seconds of pause, then the volume of the song got louder.

‘Vilson, vhat do joo zink zis music-playing device is?’

‘Deadpool called his an ‘iPod’, so I vill call it that as vell.’

David suddenly felt something warm and metallic on his hand under the snow.

He pulled it out, revealing it to be a glowing shape that looked like a sword.

‘Hey, I think I found a sword.’

‘Hold on just a second David...*ahem* Hey Wilson, my pal.’

‘OH CHRIST NO! NONONONONNONONONONONONONONOOO, NEIN NEIN NEIN! ABORT ABORT ABORT MAXVELL NOT VELCOME!’

‘What’s wrong pal? Aren’t we friends? I would have thought that you’d have been more happy to see me?’

‘Happy to zee joo six veet under!’

‘Maxwell, what the fuck did you do to this guy?’

‘I sent him camping… forever… and his only objective was to not starve, anyways, Wilson, we have your pretty little sword, if you’d like to make a trade, then we can trade.’

David smiled, the deal seemed quite fair.

Wilson didn’t care about the sword anymore, he liked this iPod.

‘Fünf, vier, drei, zwei, eins, null… he’s at zero sanity.’

Wilson’s pupils dilated to pinpricks as the Light Sword’s holy glow illuminated his face, and he began to find a new song to play.

“Keep that bullshit! Richtofen is all I need, if you have anything extra though, I’ll take it off your hands.”

‘Hey asshole, this glowy sword is better than your stupid Jackass sword.’

‘It’s Bastard sword, CO.’

“Zat perfectly describes me, chap, give it here.” Wilson held out his hand.

David handed over the bastard sword, and held out his hand for the scabbard to the Light Sword.

Wilson nodded, handing it over.

“Vell, eet’s nice to zee zat ve can settle zis peacefully, now if you’ll excuse me… YOLOLOLO!” Wilson shouted as he ran out of the cave from the way he came, a new song playing on the iPod.

David took several seconds to realize that he’d been screwed out of what was arguably his most prized possession.

By the time he looked at where Wilson had been, the insane man was gone.

“Well shit.”

‘You didn’t need it anyway, especially if you planned on playing more horrid dubstep.’

‘Or anything that isn’t rock or metal.’

‘Okay, both of you, SHUT THE FUCK UP! I can’t play ANYTHING now because now my iPod’s gone.’

Suddenly, a red creature with a fat, furry body, a goat head, goat hooves for feet, a chain around its waist, and steel bracers popped up out of the snow.

He reached down into the snow and pulled out a large, heavy-looking bag and slung it over his shoulder.

“I’m looking for someone named Wilson, he’s been veeeeery naughty lately, and needs to have some niceness beat into him.” Krampus said, looking up to David’s masked face, “Have you see him?”

“Uh, he went that way.” David pointed to the direction Wilson had run off in.

“Thank you kindly, nice sir.” Krampus said, giving a small salute and running off.

‘Ah, Krampus!’

‘That was weird, but anyways, C’MON DON’T WASTE YOUR BODY!’

‘So, Krampus, the monster that steals and kills bad children... Yep...’

‘HEY, LISTEN TO ME! YOU’RE OUT IN THE COLD WITHOUT A FIRE! GO BACK TO THE CRYSTAL KINGDOM DIPSHIT!’

‘I like the cold, but you have a point... but there’s a problem… I don’t know where it is relative to here.’

‘We’re in a cave to the west and a bit north of it. The storm has stopped, so you should be able to see for miles upon miles on end.’

David nodded, walked deeper into the cave until he found an exit, and looked to the left.

A small town was towards that direction.

‘Well that’s odd… we should be directly west of the Crystal Kingdom, wait, you didn’t go back the way you came, the teleporter device in your hand reads Iota-1.’

‘Wait, Iota-1? Dammit, you’re in the other dimension!’

‘Iota-1?'

‘We’re in an alternate Equestria, before the Crystal Empire was revealed! You’re stuck in a place where everyone knows you as me.’

‘So what the fuck is that town there?’

‘Unimaginative, but that town’s name is Ponyville.’

‘Hmm... perhaps we can try to make it so we’re not overly obvious.’

‘Wait a second, you’re facing the wrong way… that’s southwest… we’re in the Canterlot mountain range.’

‘If that’s a Monty Python reference, then I’m the Black Knight in this case. Let’s go.”

‘Surprisingly, it’s not… Canterlot is the capital of Equestria, the country to the south of the Crystal Kingdom.’

‘Well ol’ Maxwell’s out of the loop here, we’re in another dimension, in another location, and little Wilson is somewhere nearby.’

‘Fucking Evan and his guns, broke the teleporter.’

‘Why are you helping me all of a sudden? Weren’t you killing me before we fused or whatever we did?’

‘Oh trust me, you’re still an asshole cunt with a motherfucking sorry-ass face, but you’re still me, and I want my body to live, being alive is one of the few things I like.’

‘Thanks, I guess...’

‘So shall we go to Ponyville then? I want to hear the rest of that interesting song.’

‘Bad idea, Blue Comet might be there, and then there are the others in his group, it’d be suicide.’

‘Like, how many others?’

‘Total, twelve, maybe thirteen if he’s with those guys.’

‘He?’

‘The other person we got to take care of those people, also, in this place, it’s been over six months in the same time it’s been one day where we are.’

‘So, is this a bad time to talk to you guys?’

David turned around and saw a man jab his face with a long pole, and then he got whacked with it, and was out cold.

Awesomedude17 slammed the tip of his cane on the ground, and sighed.

“Great, he’s gone rogue, and now he’s out cold. Damon will be pissed.”

P1’s eyes snapped open, he felt a- “Disturbance in the force… SHIT! Someone just left the universe, okay… fuck me, but not really because now is not the time for such things… sheeeeeeit.”

“Your influence powers seem to be great, but they only barely match what Damon does with skill alone.” Michael said as he stood in front of the laying man.

“Alright… so since I’m a lazy bastard and I have a Fluttershy cuddling me, my fave p-awn, Blue Comet, will now inform you of your goals.”

A gray-clad man with blue and silver hair appeared, slung over his back was a hi-tech sniper rifle. Aviator glasses covered his eyes.

“*Sigh* What do you want now?” Blue asked, wanting to get back to learning about the Renaissance from Ezio.

“Ah, Blue Comet, I am Michael the Guide, and I am here to receive whatever instructions you might have for us in our quest against Damon.”

“Okay, so… P1 just telepathied me ‘the deets’, so to speak… so I’ll tell you what I know: Damon is strong, unbelievably so. He once sent Agent 4, who is a lightweight, so she has a small mass, through the equivalent of 35 brick walls, that’s hard to do… and even worse: it’s not his best. While his strength is unmeasured, his toughness is evidently limited, I once saw him shrug off a shotgun blast to the shoulder like it was a throwing needle, but a laser cut through his skin like butter.”

“Hmm, that shotgun thing is quite difficult. From what my relay is telling me, the 35 brick walls equivalent also includes a mahogany table at the end, mahogany is a very dense wood. Regardless, he seems to be very capable in close-combat. Any discernible weaknesses?”

“He seems to use the color blue a lot when he needs something done on himself.”

“Yes, the Ender Queen mentioned something like that, but it’s an unsure fact. It could be a lie.”

“Well, he’s a demon, so anything could be true.”

“True. I have learnt from your presence about some more top secret operations they are doing.”

“And have done in the past, you probably know about the Templar fight that forced me to fail Operation No Deuces for 9/11.”

“Yes... it was at that moment that Damon started building up his army to take over the world... But that is the least of our worries.”

“One thing is sure though, a few things really: One, he’s not a good teacher, so he has people for that, Two, he’s not afraid to hire people to do things for him, Three, he isn’t creative, and probably hasn’t thought of a back-up plan.”

“Yes, of course he’d do that. He wants to give the illusion of weakness for the first two, and last fact is an easily exploitable flaw, however. We can outsmart him in that way.”

“I think he just needs to be cut off.” P1 said as he sipped a glass of soda.

“Unfortunately, he does have a failsafe should he fall victim to death.” Michael countered, frowning.

“Failsafe?” This was the first Blue had heard of this detail.

“Project Zed, it’s so secret, only he and a few select members are allowed to know.”

“Zeds are Zombies, I know this.” P1 piped up.

“Of course you do, P1, you are an Alpha human, the most powerful beings capable of creation, if you weren’t here to be a beacon of ‘behind the scenes’ knowledge, then only by pure luck would we be able to figure out the nature of the project was geared towards zombies.” Michael extrapolated.

“So, wait, zombies?” Lee asked, not liking this.

“More like several different types, all together to make a mixed army that can potentially wipe out our crew if they are released.”

“Is it anything like the shit I saw?” Coach asked, cocking his shotgun.

“The Infected are amongst the Zed project, along with Nikolai’s zombies-”

“Nazi Zombies.” Nikolai recalled.

“- Lee’s zombies-”

“The Walkers.”

“-... And for some strange reason, Mad Cow... Tourette Zombies?” Michael looked in confusion.

“Aww… I wanted Mad Cow Coprolalia Zombies.” The Dude complained.

“Wait, Mad Cow...”

“It was the weirdest weekend I ever had. Don’t ask.”

“And let me guess… undead Zombies?” P1 added.

“If by ‘undead’, you mean reanimated with necrotic magic, then yes.”

Steve: my zombs?

“Yes, Steve?, and yours are probably the worst, one hit and it’s instant death for any one of us besides me or Steve?.”

“Why?” Stryker asked.

“Let’s just say, they are the most intelligent of the zombies we see, because they know how to use weapons.”

“Yeah, swords, axes, shovels… OH SHIT I JUST REALIZED! Steve?, your zombies’ hits take off one and a half hearts, which is taken literally, so the reason they’re so deadly is the fact that they’ll destroy your heart one and a half times over.” P1 added, much to the disturbance of the others.

“And I just received a piece of info that there is a Doctor Ned amongst the scientists.”

“Doctor Ned?” Coach raised an eyebrow.

“Doctor Ned is mad scientist who created zombies on a planet known as Pandora... my knowledge of that event is iffy however...”

“Pandora is the world in Borderlands… did you go there once?” P1 asked.

“Borderlands… by Gearbox... am I correct?” Michael guessed.

“♪Oh when I hear that Gearbox,
are releasing a sequel, my teardrops
are uncontrollable
I’m inconsolable

BUT FEAR NOT!

They’re tears of joy
Like me as a boy
On Christmas Eve when I see a box
I open it up and say ‘Whoa’ at the view
IT’S ONLY OVERFLOWING WITH LOOT!” P1 sang, enjoying himself.

“Yes, if I can contact Gearbox, I can relay info based on him.

“Anyways, ♪Stop chatting Claptrap, before I grab your nad-sack, and yank it so your nads are dropping LIKE THE STOCK IS, ON THE NASDAQ!” P1 finished.

“So, we got those zombies... any more, just in case?” Trevor asked.

“Just some info, for the Mad Cow zombies, you need to obliterate the head, decapitation is not enough.”

“Yeah, I remember that fact. Shotguns and sledgehammer work well enough.” The Dude chimed in.

“Well, funny enough, my smartphone has a video saved on it, watch this.” P1 showed the group a questionably-titled video that revealed a lot about some handgun cartridges.

“Da, Russian man knows what is what.” Nikolai commented.

“He has the same shirt that David had.” Lee noted.

“Had?” Albert asked.

“Oh, yeah, he’s... well...”

(This will be a hard choice. Everyone will remember this.)

Tell them about David’s death.

Tell them David got a wardrobe change.

Tell them David went missing.

-> Let Trevor tell them. <-

“Well... Trevor... you’re the one who saw it happen right? Or at least you saw the results. You tell them.”

“Tell us what?” Coach asked, feigning ignorance.

“So y’know that bitch that I ‘interrogated’? Well she and her asshole boyfriend killed David, I know, because her boyfriend had David’s sword.”

Dovahkiin, who was normally stoic, did end up getting shocked at the very least.

“What!” Most of the others yelled out.

“Eh, it’s an honor thing.” P1 replied in an unamused tone, “Sorry that I’m not sorry, but I think that’s what I’m thinking of… hold on let me look it up.” He pulled up Google on his phone.

“So... he’s... gone?” Spyro asked with dread.

“All that potential, down the drain, a pair of hands cut off from us.” Stryker summed it up pretty well, despite knowing the truth.

“Yes... he must have been ambushed before we left.” Michael lied, knowing fully well what David was actually doing.

Steve: & dat cud hav bin b4 we left to th End…

Steve: or b4 we came bak...

“It is sad day, comrades, for we lose a fellow red.” Nikolai said as he drank out of ‘sadness over a lost friend’ and not ‘addiction cleverly disguised as an excuse’.

“So, we have to avenge him?” Lee asked.

“FUCK YEAH WE DO!” Trevor said, “I may not have liked him all that much, BUT I’LL BE DAMNED BEFORE I STAB HIM IN HIS ALREADY-STABBED BACK!”

“Might as well, I got nothing better to do.” The Dude shrugged, right before looking at the blade of his balisong that he brought along.

“Mr. The Dude, are you really that apathetic to his demise?” Michael asked with a hint of anger, it may have all been a big lie, but if this was how The Dude would react to the real thing...

“You’re the ‘know everything’ guy, you find the answer.” Dude replied.

“I only know the solid facts.” It was a lie, he could also learn all of someone's memories, and if he stayed with them long enough, he could hear their thoughts/read their mind, however there was an illusion to maintain.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I pretty much hate you all, except the kid.”

Dovahkiin blinked and looked at the Dude.

“The kid’s pretty kewl.” Dude added.

“Well, the kid’s ‘kewlness’ aside; if we’re in a group, then that’s so much more we can do in the time it takes them to do what two people can do.” Coach evaluated, using his past knowledge of (you guessed it) coaching to his advantage.

“Alright, so it’s settled soldiers, we-” Blue was immediately interrupted.

“None of us are actually in any sort of military, Nikolai was, but the key word is was.” Michael pointed out.

“I’m a Colonel, because P1 said so. Also, you all are now part of the 1st Player Army, so LISTEN UP! From here on out, there is no such thing as a ‘non-combatant’, we will do whatever we can to prepare for the storm, the storm that will wipe our sorry asses off the face of the planet if we don’t prepare.”

Stryker stepped forward to Blue Comet, and saluted.

“Sir, Yes, Sir!”

“Stryker, you are hereby promoted to Lieutenant, you will relay my orders to the others when the time comes, NIKOLAI! You have previous military experience, so you are hereby promoted to Sergeant, you will stay on the others’ asses to make sure no time is wasted.”

“DA! I will do my duty for the motherland, and our group!” Nikolai saluted as well.

“Alright… now then… I hope you all like training… because me… I love it.” Blue smiled the type of evil smile that only military leaders could conjure.

“Oh... ummm... I got a knee injury, I cain’t go an’ aggravate it now, ya hear?” Coach raised his hand up, hoping to get out of this.

“Permission to speak, m’lord?” Blue requested from P1.

“Shoot.” P1 replied, smiling at the hilariousness he was feeling from this.

“Heal his leg, please.” Blue requested.

“I’ll get Terminator on that.” P1 said as he snapped his fingers.

Coach felt a sense of dread from that name alone, and soon enough, a being appeared in front of him out of a cloud of purple sparkles.

Terminator, as he was called, was actually a seven foot tall half-Enderman, he was skinny and had the skin-color and eyes of a human, but the mouth, stature, and powers of an Enderman.

“Ho-ly shit.” Coach said in awe.

“Alright, let me just’a focus my power here.” Also, he had a Swedish accent and a ghostly voice.

“Hmm, reminds me of Ikea.” The Dude said as he thought about the Swedish.

“Or meatballs.” Terminator joked as he conjured a ball of bright red energy.

“I know I said. I’m sure some people remember a certain... incident, right?”

“Well I wasn’t there at the time, I’m not even legitimately from Sweden, but my father is, you know him, or at least some of you do.” Terminator looked at Stryker, Coach, Michael, Steve?, and Nikolai.

“Herobrine is your father, and your mother is Queen Enderia MCMXCVIII, or 1998.” Michael revealed the knowledge from his gains on the subject.

“Wait, so they did... OHH, I need lot of vodka now!” Nikolai fumbled around in his bag, looking for the precious bottle.

“It was a magical ritual in order to create the perfect being for killing good guys, however, Herobrine was reformed, and I killed my mother, so, I’m a good guy, and that’s how we’re on Queen Enderia MCMCIX, or 1999.”

“That’s a mouthful.” Trevor noted, grimacing at the amount of syllables in that name.

"Anyways, Coach, your leg is healed to the state it was in when you were in your prime.”

“Oh... really?” Coach hesitantly raised his leg.

“Yes, really.” A low, powerfully present voice said, and the group turned to see a huge black-armored knight with moon symbols on his tabard and shield. He appeared to lack a sword.

He was also seven feet tall, and his armor looked like it made him weigh another six hundred pounds.

“600 pounds of body, 400 of armor, nothing is going to physically hurt me.”

“Except for any amount of electricity.” Stryker countered.

“My paladin powers prevent damage from electricity, ice, necrotic energies, void energies, or holy powers.” The huge knight said, “While I will be fine, the same cannot be said for anything hit by the Dark Judgment.” His hands lit up with navy-blue magic

He summoned a sword that was 12 feet long, 18 inches wide, and 4 inches thick at thickest, it was black with a dark blue edge, had 2 foot long blade-catcher lugs, and was covered in divine silver runes.

“Saint Lackluster is a half-orc, who originally thought himself a rape child from an orc dad and a human mom, when it was actually a wimpy human dad and an exuberant orc mom, and that was right before he died… this conversation isn’t about the Dark Duo, it’s about Blue commanding all y’all mofos.”

“I minorly resent that, only minorly because you didn’t say the full word.” Trevor half-protested.

“Alright, Coach, knee?” Blue got the metaphorical train back on track.

“It’s… it’s good.” Coach found that his healed knee worked better than his not-bummed one.

“Good, because tomorrow, you will all start your intense training.” Blue said with a shit-eating grin.

“How intense?” Trevor asked, fearing for his stamina.

“Well, I wouldn’t surprised if your lungs spontaneously catch on fire.” Blue said, smiling wider

“Oh... fuck.” Coach just realized the implications of that sentence.

“And Lee, we might see if you can just sweat the infection out.” Blue smiled so wide it hurt.

“Oh shit.” Lee knew the weight of this situation.

“Stryker, all that acrobatics will come in handy, but you might want to get another parachute from Trevor.” Blue’s grin should have split his face open already.

“Oh lordy the possibilities.”

“And you expect me to run a lot?” Trevor asked.

“Yep, from here, to here.” Blue pointed to two spots an arm’s length apart.

“Well that doesn’t seem too far.” Trevor said with hope.

“Except you’re taking the long way around, I.E. around the city.” Blue added, smiling in such a way that you might expect him to just pick up the whole toilet and start chowing down.

“God...fucking-dammit.” Trevor said under his breath. Years of meth use had caused major damage to his lungs, and because of that, his cardio was something that could be outdone by many.

“Let’s see who else I can crush the hopes of… Dovahkiin, don’t expect me to go soft on you just because you’re young.”

Dovahkiin merely looked at the soldier with a ‘you’re a dick’ look.

“Let’s see… Spyro, I’m going to show you the true power that dragons like you should have”

“And how will you do that, bro?” Spyro asked smugly, finding that Blue finally came up short.

“Simple… *ahe-he-hem* FUS RO DAH!!!” Blue summoned up his own dragon power and let out the might of the Unrelenting Force.

Spyro was blown back, and crashed into the wall. A yellow dragonfly that had been flying around the purple dragon suddenly turned blue.

“Ow.” Spyro groaned out.

“Alright… hmm… Dude… you will be testing things… in a controlled environment.”

“ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!” Dude hated things that were ‘controlled’, because ‘controlled’ usually meant ‘not fun.’

“Weasel, you’re going to take a test with actual live rounds flying at you, so stay low.”

“Well, when you’ve been me, that won’t be that much of a problem.” Weasel remembered when bullets flew by him during some robberies he pulled in 1925.

“Also, you will have to maneuver around with shackles on your arms and legs, the chains are about three feet long… also you’ll learn to pick locks of all kinds.” Blue could have emptied a septic tank at this point with the shit-eating-ness of his never-ending smile.

“Oh, you fucking prick.” Weasel muttered, but did seem interested at the lockpicking.

“Let’s see… Steve?, guess what you get to do?” Blue asked like he was addressing a child.

Steve: wat?

“PARKOUR!!!” He said cheerily, “YAAAY!!!” He clapped his hands overdramatically.

Steve: how do i parkor?

“I’ll show you, you can practice in the city, Parkour is the sport of running away, made by the French, included are such abilities as climbing houses using the parts of the door.”

Steve: sounds good. might be useful bak in home

Blue turned towards Nikolai.

“Nikolai, I need you to train sober.” He said simply, his grin gone for the moment.

“What!”

“You need to be at the top of your game, so after tonight, no more alcohol.”

“But Nikolai functions just fine while drunk!” The alcoholic protested,

“Then you’ll function better when sober.”

“If you want, Blue and Nikolai, I can make Nikolai a dwarf, and he’ll function better drunk than sober.”

“Nikolai will take dwarf… wait… what you mean by dwarf?”

“About 4 foot yea-high, glorious beard, uncontrollable desire for gold, can’t control your love of partying, and you function about three times better when drunk.” P1 informed, readying the spell.

“Oh, sounds like fun!” Nikolai smiled.

“However, you’ll have to switch to ale instead of vodka.” The downside was surprisingly simple, but horrifyingly impactful.

“Fucking extra strings attached... Nikolai either goes to ale, or goes cold turkey. Fuck me.”

“Yep, fuck you.” Blue said, grinning in a way that could practically deodorize Detroit from all the shit, and anything else nasty, that he would be eating.

“Finally… Michael…”

“Yes?”

“Some mages spend their whole lives unlocking the secrets of the universe, rather than, say: jogging, I want you to jog with Trevor around the city, and make sure he doesn’t slack.”

“If it will help us stand a better chance of fighting Damon, then I shall do it.”

“Good to hear. I’ve also made friends with someone who’ll aid me in making this journey a success.”

“Also, I’ll let you finish Blue, but I want to say that: you all need to remember, true power comes from great Strength and a powerful Constitution, not just from weapon skills and magic spells.”

“So, we need a bill of rights?” Trevor asked, not sure what he meant by 'constitution'.

“He means we need to stand our ground, and fight to our last breath, Trevor.” Michael explained.

“Actually, by ‘Constitution’, I meant the substance of your body, we need to be very strong and very tough, and we need to… well Michael already said the rest.”

Trevor grinned evilly, knowing that his inner power was a force to be reckoned with.

“Alright… so, yeah, Nikolai, your final verdict?” Blue said with enough shit and stuff eaten to purify all the water in Africa.

“Nikolai drinks vodka because vodka not hurt Nikolai like rest of world, ale will hurt Nikolai, so Nikolai would rather go sober.”

“Alright then… Dark Duo… get the fuck out of here and train in the place I told you to.” P1 commanded, and the two vanished

“So, mind telling us who this guy is?” Coach asked.

“No, I’d like it to be a surprise.” Blue said with so much shit and stuff eaten, he’d probably sort out the worldwide cleanliness systems for several months.

“Okay, okay, as much as I like this joke with the ascending level of shit-eating, GET ON WITH IT!” The godly blonde insisted, floating above the heads of the group as they all proceeded with their tasks with varying amounts of willingness.

Shining Armor, who had been watching from the side, was stunned.

“How’d you do that?” Shining asked the floating man.

“Simple, if Charisma was really such a useless stat, then why are charm and attraction such powerful forces? You should know that, stud, after all: YOU’RE MARRIED TO THE PRINCESS OF THAT SHIT!” P1 explained, barely explaining anything at all.

Shining figured that he wasn’t going to get any real explanation, and merely trotted away.

P1 smiled as he looked down at Fluttershy, running a hand through her mane as she snoozed on his chest.

“Don’t tell me you want to fuck her, do you?” Trevor asked with a snarl.

“This is not the time, nor the place, for anything of the sort, Trevor. This is serious business, and you KNOW it’s serious business when even I will take it seriously.” P1 may have been depraved, psychotic, and willing to do almost anything, but he wasn’t flippant.

“...You’re talkin’ about the Organization, right?”

“Yes, the Organization is surriyas bisnes, man, SERIOUS BUSINESS!”

“Then how come you’re taking a nap?”

“Because all I need to do is charge up my power levels and make up more powers, because I’m a gaaahhhd.” The robed man replied.

“You’re a fuckin’ lazy prick!”

“And you’re not running.” P1 and Michael said in unison, “Jinx, refill my soda.” P1 said, tossing the empty glass to Michael.

“Soda is not healthy for you, P1.” Michael informed.

“I’m a gaaaahhhhd, refill my me-damned drink, ency-bro-pedia.” P1 waved off Michael.

“I suppose… fucking gods.” Michael swore under his breath, starting his run with a detour to the kitchen.

“And Bro-ker Smoker, RUN!” P1 used a bolt of influence to make Trevor at least start his assigned training exercise.

Trevor continued his running when laser beams started coming down from the sky.

“So… sir, you said that you’d teach me that shout that you do when you bring us up here?” Spyro asked, looking at the ground 37000 feet below.

-2 days later-

“Yeah, it’s the Hurricane one, no wait… the Whirlwind Sprint, Wuld Nah Kest, yeah. Okay, now do that and don’t get in the line of fire.” Blue informed as he watched Trevor running along the street about 7 miles below.

“Alright… by the way, how do you do that?” Spyro inquired, right as Blue took a shot that hit a few feet behind Trevor.

“The seeing thing? I was one of Damon’s agents as well, I received many modifications, one of which was this extremely powerful vision, 666/20 to be exact, so I can see 33.3 times better than normal.”

“You sound like a pretty epic guy.”

“I would be, but I’m only twice as tough as a normal human, a price to pay for investing too much in the shiny stuff… and the flight stuff… and the fiery stuff.” Blue realized just how much potential he’d wasted, “Hey… I don’t hear a Wuld Nah Kest.” He said, looking back at Spyro.

”WULD NAH KEST!!” Spyro shouted, feeling himself fill up with speed like the wind.

He flew out of the gazebo structure, and found that the air in front of him moved out of the way, and the air behind him pushed him forward.

Meanwhile, down on the ground, Trevor was still evading the every-so-often laser from the SBC-SR.

“*HUFF HUFF* FUCK!” Trevor tripped over himself, and was nearly shot by a nearby laser.

“Col. Comet is a crack-shot, he purposefully misses you to keep you on your toes and keep your legs moving.” Michael informed as he stopped to help Trevor up.

“Yeah well, if he really wanted to help, he could get me some new lungs.”

“I have a complete and unrestricted knowledge of surgery, I can fix you.”

“I ain’t letting you cut…*cough* oh god *cough*... my chest open...”

*FRRR-ZZHHH* An SBC shot hit a few inches in front of his feet.

“SHIT!!!” Trevor began to run again while holding his chest.

“TREVOR, ARE YOU HAVING A HEART ATTACK?” Michael shouted as the two raced off again.

“IT FEELS LIKE IT, BUT IN MY LUNGS TOO!” Trevor shouted back as he took a turn.

Michael followed quickly behind as ‘took a turn’ for Trevor meant ‘took a tumble’, he crashed into a nearby wall and an audible *CRACK* was heard.

“Oh dear Redigit… come on Trevor, if you can stand, then I can get you to the hospital.” Michael assured, trying to help Trevor to his feet.

“I ain’t wasted, you asshole... this is fucking bullshit!” Trevor decided just to run again, hoping that the lasers didn’t come back again.

They did, but at regular intervals, as Trevor realized. He then figured that the lasers were just there to simulate something that he might need to run away from.

“I can run normal just fine!” He shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth to make it slightly less improbable that Blue would hear him.

Of course, the slight difference didn’t do shit across about 8 miles of air.

P1 looked at the Crystal Heart, then at Fluttershy, who had returned to his little perch on the cloud couch.

He gently picked her up and laid her on his chest, smiling as she snuggled into him with an adorable expression on her face.

“Why do you always do that?” Stryker asked, having been walking by on the way to the teleportation rune to do another 'shock jump'.

“I have a deep-seated affection for dear little Flutters here, it cannot be changed, as I shall deny any attempts made to change it… just don’t worry about it, I haven’t done any mind magic to make her do something that she doesn’t want to do.”

“I can see, but why her in particular?” Stryker asked.

“Pony hugs are just one of those things, you know? And you can’t really explain love, it’s an abstract and subjective concept.”

“You… I mean… you have to be aware that most of the group would think that that’s really weird, right?.”

“I know, and I don’t give a shit, it’s a pretty insignificant thing to judge me on. I say that: if it is the mutual love between two consenting peoples, then it’s okay.”

“... Who said anything about... love?” Stryker backed away slightly, creeped out of his mind.

“I did, LISTEN, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, I HAVE BODY-CHANGING MAGIC TOO, OKAY?!” P1’s hands flared up with energy, and suddenly Fluttershy was levitated into the air and transformed.

Fluttershy transformed into a 6’4” tall human woman with a thin frame and smooth, practically flawless skin. She had a beautiful face framed by her long flowing locks of pink hair, which also trailed far down past her large, yellow, bird-like wings. In place of a butter-yellow coat of fur, she was wearing a yellow sweater, a long, dark green skirt, and brightly-colored ugg boots, all of which hid her lithe body well.

“EEP!!!” was her reaction to her new form, and she stumbled around trying to stand up.

“Don’t worry about it, Flutters, I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you.” P1 said as he came down from his cloud for the first time in two days, having changed into what looked like a young Hulk Hogan.

Stryker left the two alone, changing from a fast walk to a run after P1 said, “Here, let me show you how to work the human body.”

From previous experiences over the last two days, and several conversations with the lazy god-figure, the officer-now-lieutenant knew that nothing decent would come of P1 doing this.

Dovahkiin looked back at the crystal filly standing on his back as he did push-ups, she smiled and pet him like an animal.

He was up to about ten pushups with an added weight, forty without.

“Alright, that’s not really good enough… hmm…” Blue took a peek out of the room and found Stryker about to do another one of his ‘shock jumps’.

“Hey Stryker!” He called out to his second-in-command.

“Yeah?” Stryker called back, taking a few steps towards his superior.

“C‘mere, I have this device that I need to test out.” The blue-haired man instructed as he pulled out a ‘Wand of Switching’ that P1 had made for the purpose of ‘Fucking with their minds’.

Stryker walked into the room and stood next to Dovahkiin.

“Okay, I need to see how this thing actually works, not even m’lord knows, and he made the damn thing.” With a flick and swish, an arc of energy flew towards the two.

Suddenly, both of them were encompassed in golden light, and Stryker’s body shrank in size, while Dovahkiin’s grew in size.

When the light was dismissed, there stood the two SWAT officers.

Except Stryker was now 10 years old, and Dovahkiin was now 29, instead of the other way around.

“What the...” The young Stryker blurted out as he looked at his hands.

Dovahkiin looked at his older body.

He was pretty buff, but was 5’6” tall, so that didn’t really do much for mass or momentum.

‘What the fuck did you just do to us?’ He charaded, glaring at his Commanding Officer.

“Well… it switches ages… interesting...alright, so… Kurtis Stryker, the 10 year old, and Dovahkiin, the 29 year old… y’know, I myself am 34 years old… just thought I’d throw that out there.” Blue said as he raised the wand again.

“You immature freak.” Stryker said, crossing his arms in annoyance.

“I’m not even being a freak, soldier, and yes, I am still your superior despite this temporary hiccup. Listen, alright, I just needed to see what this thing actually did… so now let me just change you back, aaaaannn-” He gave the wand a swish and flick.

Nothing.

“-Nnnnd… oh shit, P1 isn’t going to like this.” Blue said with dread, fearing the wrath of his creator.

“I don’t like this.” Coach said as he spotted Lee on a barbell bench.

“You said it yourself Coach, the more you sweat in training, the less you bleed in battle.” Lee replied, completing his 30-rep set.

“Well what if I don’t got anymore sweat to sweat?” Coach said as he looked at his gut, which already looked a tiny bit smaller.

“Then you need to drink some water, dehydration’s dangerous.”

“I know that Lee, I was the one who told you that… and I'm not dehydratin', I’m just trying to keep the mood light…”

“It has been a while since that incident on the field.”

“Yeah, I know... Still, might as well do this, and since it’s so worth doing, we need to do it right.”

“You said it, mah nigga.” Lee agreed, now spotting Coach for his own lifting set.

“Y’see, that’s the kinda talkin’ that got some athletes in trouble… speakin’ a trouble… wanna hear a story I heard from Ellis?” Coach had a plethora of stories from the scatterbrained young man.

“Hmm… sure.” Lee accepted.

“Alright, well Ellis and his buddy Keith once made homemade bumper cars in Keith’s backyard…” Coach went on to tell the story that he now regretted not hearing all of.

Albert ducked behind cover as several bullets went all around his head.

Nikolai cleared his throat of some phlegm as he fired at his ‘sparring partner’.

A warehouse in the city had been cleared out and enchanted with the ‘training room enchantment’ that the Ender Castle training room had, and so whenever they were to ‘die’, they simply revived ten seconds later.

They both had major disadvantages.

Firstly, Albert had his arms and legs shackled with three foot long chains.

Secondly, Nikolai was sober, and his head felt like an over ripened watermelon for a brain, with a layer of tortilla chips for a skull and some paper for skin.

“Nikolai is-*BLARGH*...*labored breathing* still going strong, comrade, it is 5-4 in Nikolai’s favor.”

“Yeah yeah yeah… GET OUTTA HE’E!” Albert said as he quickly jumped out from cover, fired his Ray Gun in Nikolai’s direction, then stumbled as he tried to get back behind cover.

Nikolai felt a searing pain in his left shoulder, and found that his whole left arm had been lasered off.

“Well shit…” He muttered as he switched to a pistol and kept shooting, not bothering to stay safe, as he needed his arm back.

Albert jumped out quick, fired his Ray Gun, and half-ducked just in time to have a bullet go through one ear and out the other.

Nikolai fell to the ground as the laser blasted through his head.

Ten seconds later, the two revived, fully formed and ready to go again.

“Alright, new plan…” They both said at the same time.

“Time to go full gangster on this bitch.” Albert pulled out a switchblade.

“Time to go Red Army on this сука.” Nikolai pulled out his NR-40 army knife.

Albert snuck around under the cover of the many crates in the warehouse, sneaking around to where he last saw Nikolai.

Nikolai simply vaulted out from behind his cover, shouting like a barbarian and running to where he last saw Albert.

The two went on a knifing rampage.

The Dude looked in dismay at the targets on the shooting range.

Non-living targets.

No explosions.

Frangible ammunition!

“The fuck does ‘frangible’ even mean!?” He shouted in frustration, wishing to kill something.

“Fragile or brittle. Your bullets are basically high-velocity saltine crackers. Listen, Postal Dude, freedom is a good thing, and order is a good thing, but one without the other is a disaster, but both together is great. Just as some of us need to learn passion, some of us need to learn control.” Blue said from the side, using a Beretta 92FS.

“Yeah, well there’s also corruption everywhere. Have you seen my life? My world’s full of bigots, idiots, corrupt people, and some other combination, and I’m in the middle of it, just looking like I don’t care. My world was falling apart, even if I didn’t murder people.”

“Well… now you’re not, listen… I don’t care if you don’t like being here, this is your new home, and as long as you’re in it, it’s your duty to help defend it.” Blue said, landing several shots in deadly zones.

“Whatever.” The Dude took out a glock, and aimed for half a second. A single shot hit the dead center of the target.

“Impressive.” Blue said, that level of target-locking skill was remarkable.

The Dude switched to burst fire, and took another shot. Three rounds hit some areas where significant damage would occur, but not as impressive as the single shot.

“Gun control of the best kind… this is my gun, and I’m going to control it.” Blue recited, chuckling as he emptied his Beretta into the target.

The Dude sighed, and took out an M16.

“And this is my gun.”

He fired at several targets, hitting mostly in the 8-9 zones of center mass.

“And I control it.”

“Well my gun can only be controlled by me, so…” Blue fired the SBC SR and cut a target in half with a sweeping motion, “... Yeah… firing your heart out is fun as hell.”

“I know, but I gotta do this ‘in controlled environments’... sonuvabitch.” Dude mocked.

“Well, would you rather be getting shot at while training?”

“It would be more fun, and make me have more happy feelings in my heart and pants, but apparently I’m not allowed to train under fire.”

“Tell you what, if you really aren’t enjoying the boring-but-safe firing range, then take yourself to the warehouse marked 1st Player Army Training Grounds, that’s where Nikolai and Albert are doing there own thing.”

“Hmm, sounds good.” The Dude nodded in approval.

The red-headed man put his rifle into his coat and walked away immediately.

“Well, no need to hesitate in your decision.” The commander snarked, deciding to simply start tearing shit up.

It was fun.

Steve? looked at the street below, then at the soldier beside him.

“Okay… now then, have you been practicing your 45 degree angles?”

Steve: ya, I tink I got it

Steve? sprinted to the edge of the roof and jumped off at a perfect 45 degree angle, pushing himself forwards and upwards equally and landing on the rooftop across the 5-meter-wide street.

Blue propelled himself with a jump and a flap of his wings, landing a few feet further than Steve? had.

“Alright, now jump ten more times.”

Steve? did the jump ten more times, each was just as successful as the first.

Steve: ok, now wat?

“Sweet, you’ve got that down, now for some other movement stuff, Wall Jumping.” Blue led the way to the ground.

Steve? landed hard, taking half a heart of damage.

“Alright, so just run to the wall, then jump and turn, and jump off the wall, repeat after me.” The winged soldier jumped between the alleyway walls several times, building enough height to land on the roof.

Steve: ok, now me then

Steve? tried everal times, but just couldn’t seem to get more than two or three jumps linked together.

“Hmm...” Blue mused, “...Maybe… maybe we can combine lessons early, here’s the next lesson, the Reach Extending Tools, do you have anything that could hook onto or into the crystal walls?”

Steve? pulled out his diamond pickaxe and used it to hook onto the walls.

The improvement was instantaneous, as Steve? easily linked together over a dozen jumps.

“Good, you’re learning quickly.”

Steve: yes, jumping is so easy wit a pick 2 help

“Yes, but you will eventually have to learn not to rely on that… okay, next lesson, so you may have not noticed how the first lesson involved one wall, and this one added two more, so what’s next? The fourth wall of course!”

-Suddenly, a few minutes later-

“Of course by wall, I mean ceiling, and by first wall, I meant ground… so this is the Missile Jump, combine the Roof Jump and the Wall Jump along these four walls to launch yourself down this tunnel, I’ll stand on the other end and try to track you with a kinetic weapon.” The soldier did the Missile Jump down the hall, then pulled out an M-16 and aimed it down the hall.

Steve? did his best, as he never did any less, and managed to avoid every shot and end the jump by tackling Blue to the ground.

“Okay… awesome, that was practically perfect, it wasn’t actually perfect because perfection is impossible… so let’s check the marks on the wall and see some possible collateral damage you might have made your opponent dish out.” Blue pulled out a mapping device and aimed it down the hall.

Several possible scenarios came up, a sandstone tunnel that would end up collapsing, busted pipes in a factory setting, a house that ends up getting some of the electricity cut off due to the wires getting shot out.

“As you can see, the Missile Jump can be deadly if done right, and the only way to do it wrong is to fall down.”

Steve: cool, so wat now?

“As for right now, your time is done, until I think of more things to teach you.”

Steve: okay, ill help the builder ponies wit the town repairs.

The blocky miner walked out to the street, then sprinted down the road towards the ‘Crystal Crush’ section of town.

"Alright… now then… all that’s left is…” He pulled out a list.

Training Schedule for the 1st Player Army:

Michael

Steve?

Spyro

Stryker

Dovahkiin

Lee

Coach

Trevor

The Dude

Nikolai

Weasel

Blue Comet

“Well then… Col. Blue Comet, get to training… yes sir, me sir.” He said to himself, getting into a hover.

“YES!!!” A blue clad man come out of nowhere in particular.

“I’m wondering, who or what brought you here?” Blue wasn’t phased by the sudden appearance of the crazy American soldier, as he knew that this man would be spastic.

“Who brought me? Why ME! OF COURSE! WHAT’S THE ORDERS SIR?!” The man asked, saluting the Colonel.

“Alright Soldier... keep an eye out for any suspicious people, if you catch someone, just attack them, or something.”

“OKAY!... So what about that dirty red-headed guy who showed up a minute before I fell over the Dispenser?”

“No, not him. Although if he goes psycho-”

“ALRIGHT! ALSO, SIR, PERMISSION TO ASK A QUESTION?”

“Permission granted.”

“Where are we? I don’t recognize this map.”

“... Hold on just a fucking second… okay… where did you even come from?” Blue recalled Soldier being in the other universe.

“Sir, I am the Soldier, a proud all-American man and veteran of World War 2, though nobody ever acknowledges my ten-year enemy-killing campaign.”

“World War 2 lasted from 1939 to 1945, that was six years… you were killing people for four years after that? How did this not come up befo- wait, when were you deployed?"

“I was deployed in ‘44… is that a problem sir?”

“My god... literally my god... is the only one who could deal with this fuckery… follow me soldier.”

“It’s ‘Soldier’, sir, with a capital ‘S’.”

“Of course it is… anyways, your Commanding Officer, Col. Blue Comet, will now lead you to P1.”

“Sir… permission to speak freely?” Soldier asked with a hopeful voice.

“Permission hesitantly granted.” Blue winced and braced himself for whatever would come out of this crazy man’s mouth.

“I like you a thousand times more than before in the Equestria place, I was never informed that even your name is Blue.”

“... Which Equestria, did any of you figure it out?"

“Um… I heard it being called Iota-1.”

“Oh… then we need to double-time to P1, now.” Blue led the way in the air.

Soldier dutifully followed, his Direct Hit aimed at anything and everything that moved.

-Several minutes later-

“...Okay…… so… we’re going to have to talk to P1 tomorrow, he’s busy right now.” Blue said, failing to open the door due to it being locked.

“Okay then… so do you have any wizards that I can bunk with?”

“Michael might count, he does magic.”

“A mage is like a wizard, only not as cool… IT MAKES ME LOOK BETTER BY COMPARISON!”

Dovahkiin, who had been approaching the soldiers, instantly stopped walking towards the two and turned around, walking away.

“So… did Blue get a fix for this?” Stryker asked, looking up at the still-older officer.

Dovahkiin shrugged, having not had the patience to ask Blue past that loud-talking guy.

“Well goddammit, this is serious, Dovahkiin, and we need to get this fixed, QUICK!” The brown-haired boy insisted, stomping his foot for emphasis.

Dovahkiin facepalmed, he was already feeling conflicted.

When he was a kid, adults were just so fucking stupid.

Now he was an adult, and this kid was just so fucking annoying.

‘When will my despisal of others end?’ he thought grimly, dragging his hand down his face and walking to his room.

Stryker looked at Dovahkiin leaving, then to the side, only to find an overweight boy dressed up like a wizard standing there.

“Hey there dude, you look new around these parts… what’s your name?” Cartman asked.

Stryker was handed a card to write his name on.

Kurtis Stryker he wrote.

He looked back at Cartman, who held out a ballot-box looking container.

The de-aged boy put the paper into the slot.

Cartman shook it up for a few seconds, then pulled off the top and looked at it.

“You have entered ‘Douchebag’, is this correct?” He asked.

Stryker nodded ‘no’ very hard.

“Alright, but you chose ‘Douchebag’, right?”

Stryker nodded ‘no’ very hard and made a ‘hold up a second’ gesture.

“You have confirmed your name to be ‘Douchebag’, welcome aboard, new kid.” Cartman finalized, leading the way to the room he’d taken over as the ‘Crystal Division of the KKK’.

Stryker facepalmed, and looked at Dovahkiin, who was in the hallway, for help.

He merely shrugged and gave Stryker a ‘Been there, done that’ expression.

“Well this is going to be shitty.” Stryker said through his hand.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT! HE TALKS!” Cartman exclaimed in surprise, “WOW! THE LAST GUY DIDN’T SAY A FUCKING THING, except for that one time he stole my line.”

Cartman was about to continue walking, but found Dovahkiin standing in the way.

“Out of the way you dumbass grown-up.” The fat ‘wizard’ commanded impatiently.

The blond man sighed and sidestepped the staff-shot to the nuts that Cartman almost delivered to him.

“That right, respect mah authoratah!” Cartman said in a ‘take that!’ tone, right before he led Stryker to the new KKK area.

Stryker only groaned in frustration.

“Okay… so before you can become a full member of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep, you have to pick your class.” The wizard handed him a few cards with crude drawings on them.

Stryker looked at each one.

Fighter: The fighter has courage, honor, and the ability to kick fucking ass

Mage: A mage is like a wizard, only not as kewl

Thief: A white thief huh? Never heard of one, but interesting.

Jew: Jew eh? Guess we’ll never be friends then.

“Um… I’m a Kombatant.” Stryker informed.

“Oh-ho-ho, a veteran of the arena? Alright, show your moves to this Craig zombie.” Cartman looked at the portal that had opened up in the room, and motioned for Craig to be pushed through.

“Deutsche Schulen!” Craig said in a strange voice that sounded like an audio clip rather than a real voice.

Stryker entered his Kombat stance

CONFLICTING BATTLE STYLES!

WIN OUT IN COOPERATIVE BACKUP BATTLE!

A green portal in space opened up, and Shao Khan stepped through, looking at Stryker.

“Not quite a Babality, but I suppose it’s close enough.” The lord emperor said as he pulled out his Wrath Hammer, “For the moment, I am tasked with enforcing the rule of the Elder Gods.”

“Um, Shao Kahn? The Elder Gods aren’t exactly who you’d think.” Stryker replied, pulling out his baton.

Craig Zombie watched the opening of a brown portal, which was textured to look like a circle of shit.

Trey Parker stepped through, armed with a tablet and a pen.

“I have to defend RPG mechanics, for some reason.” The creator said, putting his pen to the tablet.

Stryker moved first, running up to Trey Parker.

“SPREAD ‘EM!” He shouted, shining his flashlight in the man’s eyes.

Trey yelped in pain and covered his eyes with his hands.

Stryker took this chance to…

Wait… he was no longer at eye-level.

So taking his new height into account, he smashed his flashlight into Trey’s crotch.

“GAH-FUUUUUU~!” Trey screamed, his voice about four octaves higher than it was before.

The brown-haired boy smashed his baton into Parker’s wrists, breaking them and exposing his crotch once again.

Then came the taser to the balls.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZHHH* The creator seized up and fell backwards.

“BUSTED!” Stryker said in an almost mocking tone.

Shao Kahn walked towards Nazi Zombie Craig with his hands alight with his soul magic.

"I AM SHAO KAHN, KONQUEROR OF WORLDS! You will taste no victory

His Wrath Hammer appeared in his hands, and in one fell swing, he crushed Zombie Craig into the Mortal Kombat version of a pancake.

STRYKER AND SHAO KAHN WIN

FLAWLESS VICTORY

“Dudes, that was the MOST BADASS THING I’VE EVER SEEN!” Cartman whooped, hollered, and cheered.

“The law has been enforced, my duty is done, if you ever need my help again, Stryker, take this card.” Kahn handed the boy a business card.

Elder Gods’ Laws Enforcer

Shao Kahn (The Fallen Konquerer)

Delivering Divine Wrath and Outworldly Judgment at the same time.

By the time the little SWAT officer looked up again, the giant beast of a warrior was gone.

“Soooo ALRIGHT, yeah, that was sweet, okay Douchebag, you can be a Kombatant, and you are officially named the Champion of the KKK.” Cartman decreed.

A brief montage later, Stryker was decked out in Riot Police Armor.

You got: Riot Police Armor Set

Armor: This armor set gives you a total armor rating of 210

Search and Destroy: The helmet lets you lock onto enemies.
Crest of Danger: The helmet is a sign of danger, enemies will attack you before anyone else

Crowd Control: The gloves give you a damage multiplier, damage X # of enemies.
Riot Shield: The gloves give you bonus armor, # of enemies x 5

Civilian-Proof: The body armor prevents low-level enemies from damaging you.
Heavy Duty: The body armor is heavy duty, emphasis on heavy, you are automatically slowed when wearing it.

“Hm, those are actually some pretty good net gains, I suppose.” Stryker noted, looking at himself in the mirror.

“Yeah, now come on Douchebag, we have work to d-” Cartman frowned when Blue Comet poked his head into the room.

“Who the hell are you?” Cartman asked Blue Comet.

“I’m Col. Blue Comet of the 1st Player Army, and you might be?”

“Grand Wizard Cartman of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep, and this here is KKK Champion Douchebag.” Cartman motioned towards Stryker.

“Right… anyways, Stryker, sorry to cut your second childhood short, but Soldier got this great idea.” Blue recalled it.

-About ten minutes ago-

“Alright sir, I made this wand do more of its magic stuff.” Soldier said, holding up the wand.

“What? How? It was out of power.”

“Turns out, all we needed to do was tap it on this glass heart thingy here, watch.” Soldier tapped the Wand of Age Switching on the Crystal Heart.

The Crystal Heart let out a small pulse of energy, and the words +1 Charge appeared out of the wand.

“Okay then… if that actually works, I’ll be amazed that you actually did something right.”

“Understood, sir, with a great amount of disgruntlement.” Soldier said, muttering curses under his breath.

“Good.” Blue Comet took the wand from Soldier, and went to find Dovahkiin and Stryker.

-Now-

“So yeah, and now if we find Dovahkiin, then we can get you two switched back.”

“KKK Champion Douchbag, what is that stupid adult talking about?” Cartman asked, looking at Blue like he was crazy.

“Um, I’m actually an adult, I’m that SWAT guy you see around sometimes.”

“But then that means that the blond SWAT guy is... King Dovahkiin… OH FUCKING SHIT!” Cartman cursed, slamming his staff on the ground in frustration.

Stryker left the Grand Wizard to his own devices as he and Blue went out to find Dovahkiin.

“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!” Cartman shouted in anger.

“Jesus, how’d a kid like that get a mouth like that?” Stryker asked Blue.

“How the fuck am I supposed to know? He swears like a sailor though, or even a soldier… no no no he’s angry, so a sailor.” Blue replied, looking for the other SWAT officer.

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Anyways, any idea as to where Dovahkiin might be?”

“No idea really, we can check the donut shop, and if he’s not there, then I’m out of ideas.”

“How did that stereotype even get started?” Blue asked, curious.

“You know... I have no idea.” Stryker blinked.

“It’s because donuts are cheap, easily stored in bulk, and have a burst of sugar for some energy that cops may need in case of an emergency. That, aaayand donut shops are usually open at really early and late hours” P1 revealed, walking alongside the pair in a military officer’s outfit.

“... That’s actually good logic there.”

“Thanks, I may have gotten it from the internet, but it’s the most probable explanation.” P1 replied, smiling as his jade-colored eyes glowed slightly with power.

“You have any idea where Dovahkiin is?” Blue asked the godlike Alpha.

“Like as like, so as is with people… um… dragons, he’s with Spyro, and they’re at a cafe.” P1 said as he mentally accessed the satellite that he’d launched.

“How’d you know that?” Stryker asked.

“I used my summoning powers to make a satellite, and I launched it, so I basically have a GPS in my head, because I can access it with my mind… my power is growing stronger, but it will be limited again if we change universes.” The Alpha explained, looking out the window, “By the why: they’re at a café, only a few blocks awa-... a few blocks from here.”

“What was that?” The brown-haired boy asked.

“M’lord hates rhyming when he isn’t singing, and will do what he can to avoid it… if one slips and it's noticed, he usually shoots himself.”

“Jesus motherloving Christ, that’s horrible.”

“Eh, I only pretended to do it before my ascension, now I could actually do it and simply heal myself… but I digress, to save time, I’ll just teleport you two to them, okay? Okay.” P1 blinked his eyes and both soldiers vanished in a flash of golden light.

Looking at the café below, he noted something, "This is the longest, vividest, and best dream that I've ever had."

Lee dropped down in front of the café, wishing to get some food after a long day of work.

Dovahkiin blinked in surprise at the sudden entrance.

“Wow dude, you looked tired.” Spyro said, chomping up another egg whole.

“Well, I’ve been working out and sweating up a storm all day, I need some refueling, and maybe an ice bath.”

“Alright, so how’d it go?” Spyro asked, not sure what an 'ice bath' was.

“I’m just tired, but luckily my nerve endings don’t really work all that much anymore, so I don’t feel sore.”

Dovahkiin was about to point out that non-working nerves was a bad thing, when suddenly a flash of golden light exploded from off to the side.

Blue Comet and Stryker appeared.

“Alright, SHAZAM!” Blue did the flick and swish motion, and the two SWAT officers switched their ages again.

Stryker looked at his hands, and smiled when he saw that they were now their aged selves.

Dovahkiin merely looked at the two adults, and decided that this was just another adventure caused by stupidity, again.

Seems like moving to South Park made things like that happen about 5 times more often.

“Alright, so, Private Lee, have you done you-”

“I’m refueling because it was hell, several hours of lifting and running, I know it’s probably straining me, but I can’t feel it. I’m just going to get something to eat and go take an ice bath.”

“Alright soldier, that sounds like a good plan, one that would be worthy of taking the credit for… but I’m not that kind of dickface, so how about we all just have a sit-down and enjoy some dinner.”

Dovahkiin started to note that Blue Comet might be a bit of a narcissist, but decided against calling him out for it at the moment.

“Alrighty, so what do they have here? Where’s the menu?” Lee asked as he looked around.

Suddenly...

The spell worked, and the whole kingdom took on the gray hue of the spell rather than the blue of the night.

-A few thousand feet above the café-

Mage #6 looked down at the town, wondering where Agent 4 was.

She spotted a familiar shape, kneeling down on the edge of a rooftop, and hovered down to it.

“Report, name?” She asked in her wizened tone.

“Mage #6? I’m surprised they’d send you, of all agents, to recover me and Condition One.”

“It was a bit of a problem front, Damon decided he needed to... downsize.” Mage #6 replied.

“Downsize? Well, I’d figured he’d just decided to bring in the big guns already.”

“Well, after some pretty pathetic deaths, he did, that’s why I’m here… I’ve already cast the Silence of Fear spell on the whole kingdom, so that ought to leave these idiots fumbling around for a few days.” The witch revealed, closing her wings and landing next to her ally.

“You’re fucking kidding me... Well, if you need to know, I’ll just say it, Evan just made CO disappear, gone from this world.”

“They’ve already tracked him, he, as well as The Postal Dude, are in Iota-1, while Soldier and Blue Comet are here.”

“Soldier we can outsmart, it’s Blue who I’m worried about.”

“I know, it seems that his ‘creator’ Evan has unlocked some new powers for him, so he’s a bit more dangerous.”

“Powers? First he betrays us, then he trains our enemies, and now... this is starting to become too much for its worth.”

“I just hope that they don’t realize the potential they have.”

“Unlike you, dearie.” Rarity said, removing her mask and blinking in the sudden darkness.

“Exactly, unlike me.” Mage #6 removed her hood and mask, which was white with blue outlines, and talked to Rarity face-to-face.

The moonlight barely illuminated her purple face, but her amethyst eyes, brimming with magical power, shone clearly through the darkness.

… everything turned grayscale, and very, very quiet.

“What the hell?” Lee said, his voice barely above a whisper under the veil of this curse.

“Where’d the crystal ponies go?” Blue asked, looking around where the few handfuls of ponies had been, now gone without a trace.

“I’m just going to go take that ice bath, okay?” Lee dismissed himself, leaping to the castle.

“Hmm...”

“Hey, why is everything black and white?” Nikolai, who was passing the group by, asked.

“We see it too… shit.” Blue flew up into the air and looked around, seeing nothing.

“Ehh, is like cosmodrome all over again.”

“I thought you said you were from 1945.” Stryker noted.

“I time traveled a lot, it is confusing, so I just drink.”

“Everyone, I think a spell has been cast on us… notice something?” Blue clapped his hands.

Everyone looked around, and noticed that the sound echoed very hollowly and emptily, probably being heard for miles.

They all knew that it should not have sounded like that.

‘What is this?’ Dovahkiin charaded.

The wind was silent, the only sounds around were breathing, not even Nikolai’s footsteps or Blue’s wingbeats made any noise.

“Okay… this is freaky, I’m outta here” Spyro said, flying back to the castle.

Stryker noticed something while watching Spyro fly away.

He and his fellows were the only things with color.

“This is creepy.” Lee said, noting the muted (in both sound and color) world they were in.

Spyro landed in the room, seeing Lee laying in a metal bathtub filled with ice.

So that’s what an ‘ice bath’ was, it was literally just a bath in ice cubes.

“Hey Lee, what’s up?”

“Well, the world’s quiet, and gray. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the Walkers warped reality into a George Romero movie, and are now coming for us.”

“I don’t know, it feels like magic… I just hope that something doesn’t happen on top of this.”

“Magic or not, this isn’t natural, so something might happen. I just know it.” Lee said.

A silhouette appeared before them, a man-shaped figure, who quickly faded into an ethereal image of a blond-haired man wearing a strange set of green clothing.

Link was playing the ocarina in his sleep.

. . > . . >

V . . V . .

. A . . A .

You played: The Song of Time.

Just as suddenly as the first, a second set of notes came from the ocarina.

. . . > . .

. V . . V .

A . A . . A

You played: Requiem of Spirit

The ethereal image faded, and there was a low, watery groan in the hallway.

“That can’t be good.” Spyro said, ready to charge at the beast that might attack.

Lee got out of the bathtub, and prepared to leap and claw the monster within these halls.

The door opened slowly, and Albert walked in.

“Um… guys… there’s a huge, imposing, heavily armed thing out in the hall… I came in here to hide…” He said, his voice also muffled by the magical veil.

“OH... I had to say it, didn’t I?” Spyro said with slight fear.

“I had to affirm it too.” Lee dreadfully replied.

The infected man looked out in the hall to see what the thing was.

Right then, the slight blue tint to the air turned red, and the thing awoke.

It took every fiber of Lee’s being to not scream as the soulless-looking-thing turned to him.

He ducked back inside the room as the clattering of the Silent Guardian’s footsteps came down the hall.

Lee scrambled to get his pants and shirt back on, and the collar of his t-shirt was pulled below his head right as the door shattered inwards.

Spyro flew out of the room with Lee in tow.

Albert shot the thing with his Ray Gun, only for the beam to reflect off its face and fire out the window.

“Oh shit.” Albert looked at his gun, then at the monster, and promptly danced past it and ran away.

The monster followed, moving like it was lumbering after the former gangster, but going much faster than it should have.

Unlike Albert, it’s footsteps made noise.

Loud, hollow, metallic clanking noises echoed throughout the halls of the Crystal Kingdom Castle.

Michael left the Aquamarine Storage Room, thinking to himself.

“So this spell has been cast over the Crystal Empire, a curse, shrouding it in silence… should we survive the night here, then the day will greet us with more of a gritty, hardcore horror, rather than a terror-filled nightmare of a silent death…” He mused, looking down the hall.

Instantly the situation turned around, as a large figure stood there, wielding a massive sword and wearing a large metal device on its head.

“Pyramid Head, one of the deadliest creatures of the realm of Silent Hill, not impossible to defeat, but very improbable.” Michael narrowed his eyes, readying a spell.

Suddenly, a flash of midnight-blue light appeared in the hall, and a dark blue shape appeared, a large sword clashing with Pyramid Head’s as the latter reacted much faster than it should have.

“Stay back, Sage Michael, for this abomination cannot be allowed to roam the night.” Luna said, levitating her chosen weapon, the True Night’s Edge, up for another stalemate.

Michael looked at the ethereal being, and smiled.

“Thank you princess, it would be a pleasure to meet you, but right now, I should run.” Michael began to run for it as Luna began to clash with the monster.

“Do not flee, for you can defeat this beast whilst I distract it.” Luna informed, slashing several times in one second, but the attacks barely did anything to harm the foul boss.

Michael stopped in his tracks, and nodded. The info based on this monstrous beast that used to be a man would still be coming, but he thought he’d have enough power to fight this beast, even if only with some help.

Snapping his fingers in a powerful burst of mana, he teleported behind Pyramid Head and unleashed a stream of Holy Flames, burning its exposed backside and revealing a pentagram carved into its back, glowing with infernal energies.

“Let us see if taint can develop into decay, shall we?” The wise man said with a murderous smile as he launched a stream of Tainted Flames at his foe.

The pentagram shone a toxic green, getting brighter and brighter and giving Pyramid Head more power, until...

Luna backed away as the negative energies reached critical charge, and the pale-skinned beast’s skin peeled away with great force, snapping off at the hands, its muscles broke off of its bones like snapped rubber bands, blood spraying everywhere.

Its massive sword fell to the ground, and Michael picked it up.

Demonic Anubis Cleaver
127 melee damage
95% critical strike chance
Snail speed
Insane Knockback
Material
+15% damage
+5% critical strike chance

“Material… there is something greater along this path, should I choose to take it… Princess Luna, you are here because tonight is a-”

“New Moon, correct, many nocturnal beasts think that they can get away with committing their travesties under the shroud of the night, but they are fatally mistaken.” The considerably-more-badass princess explained, sheathing the True Night’s Edge on her back.

“Yes, alright then, shan’t you provide a further explanation to this madness around us?”

“I shall, this is a curse that I know, for I have witnessed it being cast long ago, though under a different caster, and thus a slightly different effect, this is the Silence of Fear curse, it will make most normal sounds-” she paused to slam her hoof on the floor and flap her wings hard several times, neither act producing any noise, “-cease to occur, speech is muffled, and color fades from all that is not sentient, another curse, the Silent Realm, has been placed on top of the original one, and now both curses have become unbalanced, but this is a good thing. The Silent Realm can be dismissed upon the activation of a relic, and while the Silent Guardians and the Fear Guardians both strive to slay the cursed, both can be dismissed with the relic… now we simply must find the relic.” Luna explained, thinking of the layout of the castle.

One flash of midnight-blue magic later, and the two stood under the castle, where Nikolai and The Dude were fighting a pair of floating bedframes with mutilated people strapped to them.

“Those are Fear Guardians, they can be slain, the Silent Guardians cannot.” Michael said as the information came in.

Luna launched a few sword-beams at the two things, causing them to twist up into springy, bloody balls of metal and flesh.

“Oh shit, oh look, another princess pony.” Nikolai said, turning to the other pair.

“Another dark pony, Nikolai, can’t be comfortable after that Sombra incident.” The Dude said, aiming his M@D Ingrams at Luna.

“I am the eternal alicorn known as Luna Nightstone, Princess of the Night. I can assure you with the wisdom of centuries that the dark is not inherently evil, Postal Dude. The dark is as easily used for good as the light is. It is sorcery that you must be wary of. Dark is as all elements are, either terrible or terrific, all depending on the hoof that guides them.” Luna explained, settling The Dude’s nerves a bit.

“Okay… so no Al Qaeda?” It was a very effective way to judge someone’s character in The Dude’s book.

“I was not aware that something called ‘Al Qaeda’ existed until just now.” Luna answered sincerely.

“Now that the introductions are out of the way, mayhaps we can proceed to activating the relic that shall dispel this curse, shall we use the Crystal Heart?”

“Nikolai sees it plain as day, or rather doesn’t, as it is not here.” The surprisingly-still-sober Russian pointed out, pointing to the empty space where the Crystal Heart should have been.

Michael turned towards the south road, “Alright, we’ll split up, Luna, look for the others from the sky, I will look for the Crystal Heart on the south road, Nikolai and Dude, look out for anyone else along the way on the northwest road.” He instructed.

Luna nodded and took off, only to be immediately intercepted by P1 flying in and hugging her.

The psychopathic god giggled in delight as he got another life-accomplishing hug in.

“Alright, Michael, I’ll help look for the others, I hope Blue and Fluttershy and the rest of the Mane 6 and all them are alright.” He said, flying off in another direction.

Luna flew off as well, Nikolai and The Dude left to the northwest, and Michael travelled to the south.

Saint Lackluster and Prince Terminator made their way along the northeast road, looking for the others.

“So where do you think they are?”

“I am not precisely sure, but someone is bound to be along this path.”

Soldier burst out from a nearby window, aiming at the two.

“Oh, nevermind, it’s you two, Steve?, come on out.”

Steve: ok, whos th

Steve: …….

Steve: o shit u gys r big

“We need to regroup, come swiftly.” Lack said as he seemed to skate along the ground on a trail of water.

Terminator ninja-ran, making sure the other two were following close behind.

The crackling of fire roared in the distance, and a huge red dragon landed on the road, letting out an unheard roar and spilling grayed-out fire onto the street.

Terminator didn’t skip a beat as he jumped 50 feet into the air, making a square-shaped motion with his arms and launching exactly 100 Icy Magic Missiles at the dragon.

Lackluster didn’t skip a beat either as he did a small hop, summoning a wave of water that extinguished the flames and carried him sword-first into the dragon’s mouth, puncturing its brain.

Steve: wow… jus wow

“That was amazingly impressive.” Soldier said with a hand on his chin.

Resuming the search, the four encountered no problems as they travelled through the silent streets.

Stryker checked another house, and yet again, it was empty.

“Dammit, what happened now? As if Sombra wasn’t bad enough, now we have a town that doesn’t even have mindless residents, it doesn’t have residents at all.”

Dovahkiin heard a groan from several feet away, and he saw a centaur.

Not wanting to fight this thing, he simply lit a match, threw it a few feet forward, and unleashed a Dragonshout.

*prrr-ROOMPH* The centaur collapsed into a burnt, dead heap.

Stryker whipped around at the noise, only to see a burst of flames destroy a centaur.

“Thanks man.” The brown-haired man thanked, moving onto the next house.

“EY BLUE COMRADES!” Nikolai called out to the law-enforcing-duo.

“Nikolai, hey, good to see someone at all, besides Dovahkiin here of course.” Stryker greeted, looking up and down the almost-empty street.

“Alright, come on, I want to find something to fuck up.” Postal Dude pushed, looking for something, anything, to shoot at.

Stryker led the way.

Kurtis_Stryker: /gamemode crystalpony

He turned into a crystal pony, his aquamarine hide reflecting the streetlamps’ light as he galloped ahead, scouting out the many alleyways.

The darkness-filled alleyways danced with potential danger.

Gulping down his fear, he kept on the path and stayed with his fellows.

Luna checked the castle, as it seemed like the place where most would go for safety.

Landing inside, she immediately found Albert running away from a Silent Guardian.

Parrying the huge mace with her large sword, she looked at Albert and nodded towards the stairs.

The ex-convict took the hint and fled down the stairs.

Luna looked at the unkillable Silent Guardian, and decided to simply create a phantom copy of herself to keep it busy.

Resuming the search, the lunar diarch began to charge up whatever battle spells she might need in this dire time.

P1 soared through the sky, reveling in the feeling of flying in open air.

‘It’s hard to believe that just three days ago, I was just a bidness dude workin’ towards a steady life, maybe marry Grace after a little while longer, do some lovin’, have a couple kids… damn it’s depressing to think of this shit right now… I need to stay focused! Until this dream ends, I have to stay alive, if I die in the dream, I die in real life.’

A single tear and a sniffle escaped from his usually calm and casual face, the tear dripping off his face and turning into a diamond in midair.

“I should give Michael a Hunter’s Potion to help him find some peeps…” He thought aloud as his hands glowed, summoning the potion in Michael’s hands.

Michael had been rushing through the street, when suddenly a small object fell on his head, he stopped and grabbed it out of the air.

A miniscule diamond, with the clarity of polished glass and the size of a teardrop, had fallen from the sky.

Suddenly, an bottle filled with an orange potion appeared in his hands, a Hunter’s Potion.

“This highlights living things, allies and enemies…” He drank it, looking around with enhanced vision.

About a block away, there were two reddish silhouettes on a rooftop. High above, there was a bluish silhouette shaped like Blue Comet passing by.

“I see… alright then.” He quickly and silently moved up to the two enemies.

Agent 4, AKA Rarity, and Mage #6, AKA Twilight, had spent the past ten minutes catching up on each other’s lives, sharing a few secrets here and there, the usual kind of thing.

The Crystal Heart had appeared a few feet away from them, however neither cared to question why it had done so.

*SHOOP* The blue glow of the crystal heart disappeared into Michael’s inventory, and he looked at the two agents.

“Well, this is unexpected.” He said in only a small amount of surprise.

“You! Prepare to die, wretched smartass.” Rarity said, pulling out her Five-seveN and shooting Michael in the head.

His form went ethereal for a few seconds, and he looked no worse for wear.

“Right then… MY TURN!” He called out, firing the Arrow Storm out of one hand, the Crystal Storm out of the other.

Twilight flared up her magic and blocked each and every projectile before it could hit either her or Agent 4.

The barrier was dismissed just in time for Michael to come in with a punch, which was caught by both of Mage #6’s hands.

He reared back his other fist.

“Oh come now, your honor code would prevent you from physically striking a woman, and you know it.” Twilight said in a mocking tone.

“Honor code? I’M A PLAYER NOW, I DO WHAT I WANT, BEEYOTCH!” Half a second later, Mage #6 felt a blinding pain in her lower face as Michael punched her hard enough to knock out half of her teeth, including the tooth that doubled as her Tracker-Jacker implant.

“Oh yes, and dear Rarity, your Tracker-Jacker implant was destroyed during Trevor’s torture session… I’m getting all the information I could ask for about the Organization, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!” He informed in a loud ‘fuck you’ tone.

Agent 4 simply shot him in the head again, producing the same ethereal-for-a-few-seconds effect. While contemplating the strange effect, she realized the horrible implications

“Go ahead... kill me… I’ve stopped caring about my own life.” Michael said, knowing the truth about his death.

Mage #6 used her alicorn strength to wrestle herself away from Michael and shoot him with a powerful fireball, watching as it exploded around him.

Michael stood there, looking strangely tired, he reached into his inventory, activated the Crystal Heart, and then pulled out a plush of himself.

“A voodoo doll? Well, that will make this all the easier.” Twilight launched a Fiery Magic Missile at the doll.

“Wait, Twilight, STOP!” Rarity shouted, slashing the altered spell out of the air and grabbing the doll, “Be careful, Condition One told me that this little fucker has a contingency, and it involves this doll.”

“Little fucker? I’m literally twice your mass, I am 5’11” and 260 pounds, you’re 5’5” and 130 pounds, but might can be light, and I know how strong you are… so I made sure to get a Cobalt Shield.” He flashed the accessory for a brief second, “It’s a shame I couldn’t scrounge together enough obsidian to make that skull…” He said, sounding regretful for a second.

“Well then, that’s too bad… say hi to the devil for me, he owes me five bits.” Twilight said, taking several seconds to prepare a large, complex, and powerful spell.

“One trope in question is one called-” He quickly cast a much smaller and simpler spell on Twilight, causing her magic to go rampant, “Why don’t you just shoot her?”

The anthropomorphic alicorn grabbed the sides of her head in pain, her magical reserves being exhausted against her will.

Explosions of color left her body, her eyes lit up with heat-vision lasers, hitting Michael, then Agent 4, then the Guide Voodoo Doll.

Michael the Guide was slain.

Finally, a shockwave blasted through the roof, shattering a far-off section of it and knocking around the coins Michael had dropped upon death as the force was distributed throughout the structure.

Blue Comet dropped down from the air and smashed the stock of his SBC SR against Rarity’s head, then turned it on her and stood just outside of her reach.

“The reinforcements are here, you bleached bitch.” He said, keeping her back under the threat of a hole through her body as she stumbled and nearly fell over.

Twilight was groggy from the spell-casting spree she’d just done against her will, and looked at Blue, raising her hand for a spell.

Only a small spark left one of her fingers, a sign that all of her magical power had been used up, leaving her defenseless.

“WATCH OOOOOOUUUUUUT!” A new voice shouted, getting closer.

“That voice… what?” Twilight turned to where the voice was coming from when suddenly...

The Wall of Flesh has awoken.

“Ohhhhh that can’t be good, first Michael gets slain, now whatever this is comes up.” Spyro said as he carried Lee through the sky, watching the space where the moon should have been.

All too suddenly, it was daytime, and everything was covered in a gritty grayscale filter, rather than a creepy black-and-white filter.

This made it all the worse, as now, they could see their enemy.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!” Trevor yelled out as he pointed at the monster that came out of the ground.

“I’d rather have Kosher Mad Cow Zombie Gods than this.” The Dude said with a hint of annoyance.

“Whoa.” Stryker was struck speechless.

It started with a fountain of blood, that fountain grew more and more intense until it seems like a 500-foot tall crimson volcano eruption.

Dovahkiin then thought that this thing might not follow the rules as well as the Nazi Zombies he fought.

Then, the blood congealed, and magenta-pink flesh started forming around it, creating a large sheet-like shape, easily forty feet wide and ten feet thick, reaching up about 500 feet tall.

“Uhh... anyone got a plan?” Stryker muttered out.

“Nikolai has nothing but a need to change underwear now.”

“I… I can’t even comprehend how in the hell this thing exists.” Lee said, stunned in awe.

“So, we gonna try and kill it, or run? Not that I’m not sure that we can kill this thing, but... it’s not what I dealt with.” Spyro said, bewildered beyond comprehension.

“I’ve killed hundred of zombies, but that don’t even hold a candle to that oversized bacon strip.” Coach said, looking at how small his Combat Shotgun looked right now.

The Dude sighed, and decided to just do what he usually did.

He took out an orange-camouflage variant of his rocket launcher, and fired at the beast.

With a massive explosion, the mini-nuke exploded in the beast’s mouth, causing massive damage.

“Good job pal, you done pissed it off!” Trevor yelled at the Dude.

The Wall of Flesh looked at the tiny things on the ground, it was not interested in them, except for the one that attacked it.

It slid forward on a slick sheet of blood.

“I regret nothing.” The Dude said as Spyro grabbed him, and let the Dude ride him like a animal.

This fight was going to be interesting.

Suddenly… Specter Rider swooped down, picked Mage #6 up, and lifted her high into the air, looking her in the eyes.

“What was that?! How could you let that guy get you like that.” Specter asked Mage #6.

“Specter? Wait a second… R-ra-”

“Yeah, it’s me. Don’t worry about 4, she’s fine, I think, she managed to escape through the sewers.” Specter said, looking for the white mare.

She was still being held at gunpoint by Blue Comet.

“Oh... Well that’s not very good for either of them.” Specter grimaced behind her light purple and gold mask.

“Blue Comet? Why is he still…” Twilight was confused, he should have been back in Iota-1 by now.

“I don’t know, but we’ll get to them first.”

“Thanks Specter.”

“No problem, but you need control over that power you have, you have to take control of it, or it’ll take control of you.”

“That’s… surprisingly insightful.”

“Shut up, I’m not actually here to help you at all, but I still have hope that you’ll come back to the side of good.”

“Wait what? But… how’d you resist the mind-alte-”

“Element of Loyalty, DUH!”

Rainbow Dash proceeded to gut punch Mage #6 hard and drop her on a rooftop nearby, then flew over to the duo of Blue and 4 on another rooftop.

“Ah, Specter, if you would be so kind as to help out here.” Agent 4 asked, unaware of the fact that her fellow agent was no longer a fellow.

“Alright.” Rainbow pulled out her WDG8 'Storm Blaster', aiming it at her corrupted friend.

At that moment, Spyro and the Dude came flying by the group.

“RUN, there’s a monster after us!”

“And I still regret nothing.” The Dude fired another rocket into the beast’s mouth.

“Specter, you’re here to help me?” Blue asked, taking a second to look back to see the Wall of Flesh sliding towards him, “Huh.” he turned back.

“Uh...” Agent 4 sighed.

“WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?” Blue did a double take and stared at the Wall, “OH SHIT! RUN!”

The trio of agents promptly ran, managing to catch up to the dragon-human duo.

“Buttsauce!” The Dude cheered out as the nuke hit the monster’s mouth again.

“Yeah, what he said, but in a more dreading way!” Spyro shouted in an 'oh shit' voice.

“POSTAL DUDE! STOP FUCKING ATTACKING IT! IT WANTS THE AGENTS!” P1 said as he quickly caught up to man.

“Oh... How the hell was I suppose to know that?”

“It didn’t start attacking you until you attacked it?”

“... Hmm, maybe I should rethink my policies about giant monsters attacking the city. That thing’s like Mothra, right?”

“Look, look there, it has Agent 4 and some other girl… damn both of them are pretty hot… NO TIME RIGHT NOW! Those two probably killed Michael and summoned this thing!”

“Wait, so Michael’s dead?” The Dude asked.

“Do you not know what ‘slain’ means?”

“Yes, but I thought that was just the real authors trolling us.” The Dude replied in a ‘fuck you’ tone.

“Technically, I am the real author, well one of them, don’t question it, that’ll come in the epilogue.”

“Guys, monster!” Spyro yelled out.

“I got it, I got it, I know this shit because muddafuggin ALPHA, so that thing is actually Michael inside, and it wants to kill the one who killed him, so that would be those two.” P1 pointed to the two agents getting flung around like ragdolls.

“Oh...”

“We can’t let that happen!” Spyro cried out at the injustice.

“I can.” The Dude replied.

“Actually, it would be beneficial to us if we let it happen, because those two are our enemies, and THEY KILLED MICHAEL!”

At that point, another magical blast hit the tentacles that carried the two agents.

“Let them go!” Twilight yelled out, friends following close behind.

“MOTHERFUCKER!!! Stop saving those bitches!” P1 yelled out in annoyance.

“Bad or not, they can still be redeemed!”

“Twilight… I think that’s you.” P1 said in a strange tone, looking up at Mage #6.

“I don’t want to know what you’re talking about, until after this thing’s stopped.” Twilight ignored P1’s statement.

“No… that looks exactly how I imagine you as a human… but it’s an anthro… shit mayn.”

“You’re being your usual ridicul-OAAAAAHHH!!!”

The monster grabbed Twilight and glared at her.

“MEEP!” She yelped when put at eye-level with it.

“HOLD ON, BEST UNICORN, I SHALL SAVE THEE!” P1 said in the way that most usually do right before they epically fail.

The rest of the group came just as P1 did his epic fail, being slapped to the side like a piece of trash.

However, in a burst of gold and brown magic, he embodied one of his OCs.

In the form of his first humanized pegasus, Lyan, he flapped his wings once, sending him hurtling towards the Wall of Flesh at half the speed of light.

“Okay, so anyone got a plan?” Coach asked, looking around at the others.

“You know what? FUCK THIS THING!!!” Trevor took out a minigun.

Then he got angry, really angry.

Bringing out the fire within, he spun up the massive weapon, and fired!

“COCKSUCKER!!!” Trevor yelled out at the top of his lungs, the bullets hitting the broad side of the barn easily, creating massive spurts of blood that sprayed everywhere..

“That… I don’t even anymore.” Stryker just threw his hands into the air and pulled out his Auto-9.

He emptied the magazine into the massive thing, each bullet hitting, as it was harder to not hit it.

Coach brought out a box of explosive bullets, and set it to the ground.

“Layin’ down some frag rounds.” He announced, loading up his Combat Shotgun with some.

Trevor sidestepped, and his already-enhanced bullets began detonating on contact.

Stryker did the same, as did Dovahkiin with the Blacker Glacker 1143, and The Dude with his Mini-Nuke Launcher, making the mini-nukes into not-so-mini-nukes.

Spyro flew around the beast and breathed extremely hot bursts of fire at the beast, and Lee went berserk as he pounced, clawed, jumped away from tentacles, and repeat.

Steve? shot it with his bow, dealing significant damage with the maxed enchantments of Power V, Flame I, Punch II, and Infinity.

Soldier use his Direct Hit, and managed to fire a Critical Hit against the beast. He saw the Green Letters float about the beast’s head, and smiled.

“Booyah!”

“Nice one Soldier!” Blue congratulated the BLU man and fired his energy rifle at Wall of Flesh several times, showing that it was actually semi-automatic.

Nikolai and Albert began to fire at the abomination repeatedly, Albert with his Ray Gun and Nikolai with his Microwave Gun.

P1, in the form of his second oldest character, Lyan, flew around the Wall at half the speed of light, punching himself through it several times in order to lose momentum.

When he was slow enough, he snapped the tentacle holding Twilight and delivered her to safety.

“Alright, Twi, watch this, you’re about to learn the power of a strategically placed Natural 20.” P1 said as he took off in his normal form.

The ground shook slightly.

“Err, that’s not the roll though.” P1 rolled his D20 on top of the Wall of Flesh.

Natural 20.

“ISAAC CLAAAAAAARK!!!” He shouted, remembering a dream he’d once had.

He slammed his fist down onto the Wall.

This attack, combined with everything else finally killed it.

Huge arcs of electricity danced over its surface, making cracks in it.

And then the flesh blew up, sending gore flying for miles.

The Wall of Flesh has been defeated.

-The Great Above, infinity time units relative to the inception of existence-

Michael looked at the fluffy white cloud he was standing on.

He’d managed to get an audience with Gearbox during his relatively brief time in The Great Above.

“So Steve, not Steve? like Mojang made, but Steve the Lion-heart, is in Iota-1, along with the others, including David and -albeit temporarily- The Dude, though the returned?”

“Yes Michael, and there’s also some info based on these Agents you’re facing, they’re mostly corrupted.”

“Yes, after destroying their Tracker-Jacker implants, I was able to learn about them, Damon’s little ‘downsizing’ movement created a group of six, six different iterations of the Bearers of Harmony, all anthropomorphic.”

“And for the most part, they gave in to power, all except...”

“Rainbow Dash, codenamed Specter Rider, and Fluttershy, codenamed The Druid Mistress."

“Pegasi are very strong, in spite of their avian skeletons and more animalistic ways.”

“Their history in society is based a lot more on an insect-like coordination instinct and territorial predator-like violence in the early years, that is why they have such an extensive military nowadays.”

“And with military backgrounds come tenacity. These two are your way into Damon’s base, and defeating him for good.”

“As I could figure, but even with my intelligence, I still have to figure out how they could help further… it was by the indirect influence of the Elements of Harmony that they retained their sense of good, Fluttershy couldn’t bear to be cruel, and Rainbow Dash couldn’t abandon being a heroine.”

“Yes, Applejack and Pinkie Pie were strong-willed too, but gave in when they were threatened with their families being killed off.

“And then there are ponies like Rarity and Twilight... the former gave in first, she had self-esteem issues, but seems to deeply regret it.”

“And Twilight lost hope when she saw that ‘all’ of her closest friends had been corrupted, but she quickly forgot her hopelessness…”

“...And gotten drunk with power.” Michael grimaced.

“And without those elements, the respective Equestrias they came from, they all went...”

“From a nation of power, to a fallen world, with the Princesses becoming the highest grade of fighters, Damon’s personal guard... this is one of the toughest tasks any of us will have to perform.”

“It is strange, really, when Harmony lost its focus, only with Twilight and Rarity’s worlds did the princesses even survive… it is a sad thought, that Neverending Nightmare and Forever Flames had been… once such good beings.”

“Quite... so we have a mission now, stop Damon, save the multiverse.” Michael planned.

“And then what?”

“Maybe fix as much damage he made to the worlds we can reach as possible.”

“Like the broken Elements? Side mission: Bring sensibility to the Elements of Harmony, and the princesses. Fix the six worlds they come from. Sound reasonable? Because I think it’s a huge task.”

“But being a Player, I am supposed to do huge tasks that no normal person would be able to accomplish.

“So is Trevor, as he’s a player character too, of Rockstar, am I not right?”

“You are right... but he’s...”

“Meant to be as such. You must remember, these Alphas have created many things in their time, AD17 had created Damon himself, as well as a member of his group, and David.”

“And P1 made Blue Comet, and many other characters as well, each made with the care of a father.” Michael mused.

“Exactly, you must know that, inspired by the Elder Gods, the Alphas have even made the universe where all the Players in your group are from… while it may be hard to-”

“Excuse me for interrupting, but being a Player is the greatest liberty I have ever felt, I do not care if I was made by inspiration through a ‘real world creator’, I am real where it counts.”

“As it should be. Ta-ta Michael, it is time for you to go, but I must warn you, the beast may have been slain, but another has come.”

“What do you mean?”

“You may not want to cast Radiant Magic Missile with your left hand anymore.”

Michael looked at his left hand, barely having a second to examine it, when he suddenly fell through the clouds and back into the universe below.

Equestria Iota 2-

Michael the Guide has arrived.

Luckily, he had a Lucky Horseshoe, so he didn’t die again upon hitting the ground.

“Michael! You’re alive! Good, some fucking robot came and grabbed those bitches!” Trevor greeted, pointing down the road.

Michael shook his head as he saw Trevor look towards a giant mech-suit, which holding Mage #6 in one hand and Agent 4 in the other.

“That’s a Titan, an Atlas model!” Michael got up and began to run towards the machine.

It turned to him, then turned away, charging down the street, away from the group.

“Who’re you!” Agent 4 yelled at the machine.

“It’s me, now let’s get the hell out of here before we DIE!” David yelled out, letting the mares ride on the machine's back as he took out a giant grenade launcher type weapon, and fired three grenades at the same time at the group chasing them.

One blew Coach, Lee, Stryker, and Dovahkiin off to the side, nearly killing the latter.

The next blew Trevor, The Dude, Albert, and Nikolai away, ripping off one of Albert's fingers.

The third launched Michael, Steve?, Spyro, and Blue up into the air, the latter two taking flight, Steve? falling to his death, and Michael landing safely thanks to his Lucky Horseshoe.

“Where’d you get this, CO?” Mage #6 asked in a raised voice.

“I found a remote off of David’s body, decided to find out what it was, AD17 is a dick, and the other three saved me, now let’s go!” David lied, he'd only been saved by two agents, but he'd been told about a third.

“Other three? OH RIGHT, Crushed Sauce, Crimson Gravel, and The Druid Mistress.” Rarity said.

“I still think the former name’s retarded.” David said snarkily.

“You always said that.” Twilight yelled out.

“It’s true.”

“Like Thunder Thighs is a better name?” Rarity snarked out, remembering the name that CO had given her in the past.

“Hey, she has legs to kick out bones, why not?”

“Whatever, just get us back to the mothership!”

“You got a teleporter, mine’s shot out from earlier.”

“ACTUALLY NOT!” P1 said as he flew backwards in front of the mech.

David aimed at the Alpha.

“I just dropped a metal ball on it, interrupting the code, you can teleport at any time you want, David.”

“You shot at it with a bullet! And how’d you know my name?”

“No, you just thought I did… and don’t worry about it.” P1 smiled, one of his catchphrases coming into play.

He used the Atlas’ metal fist to punch the maniac away, then proceeded to enter the code while running away.

‘Remember, it’s 1, 2, 3, 4, 6.’

‘Thanks… that’s not really a good code.’

‘Shut the fuck up.’

‘Sometimes, the simple things are the best David.’

‘For once, I agree with Waxmell.’

‘Yeah.”

‘Maxwell, actually.’

‘I know, I just said it like that to piss you off, did it work?’

‘I hate you more than that stupid mime.’

‘You got a thing against France?’

‘I wasn’t even being racist, I was talking about Wes…’

‘It’s only racist if you’re talking about people with different skin color than you, that’s prejudiced.’

‘I think I pissed him off.’

‘When I get out of this body, I’m going to split you two up so I CAN CHOKE CONDITION ONE TO DEATH!’

‘Oh, hey, we’re teleporting now, we’ll carry this conversation out again, never.’

P1 watched as the mech disappeared, much to his chagrin.

“Hey~, I wanted to make some more fun before he left.”

“Where’d it go, where is it?” Trevor growled out as he came to the area with the others.”

“It’s… not… RRRRRRIGHT UP YOUR ASS, rather… it’s in The Void, if they went to the Organization Mothership.” P1 said, laughing at first, but then seriousing the fuck up.

“So we fuckin’ missed it? FUCK!!!” Trevor kicked Spyro in the side in frustration, much to the latter’s chargrin.

“Not really, I learned where the ship is from Agent 4 and Mage #6’s Tracker-Jacker implants being removed, we have a target.”

“Really, show them to me.” Twilight asked, trotting up to the group.

“They are… well shit… they’re about 3 clicks from the universe of Earth Alpha, apparently they’re getting information on what best universes to get new, already-deadly recruits from.”

“Three Kilometers away from the edge of the universe, which expands.” Stryker threw his arms up in frustration.

“Stryker, universes don’t expand, they just seem like they are.”

“In your world, yes, in my world, it does.”

“Stryker, I know more about the multiverse than you could study about in the whole of your lifetime, I know that universes don’t expand, the insides just shift around.” Michael stated matter-of-factly.

“Like a pudding.” P1 offered.

“Does it become donut?” Nikolai asked.

“No, it stays the shape of a sort of… slightly flattened sphere.” Michael clarified.

“Donuts can be shaped like that.” The Dude replied.

“Well maybe if it doesn’t have a hole, if it did, it would be more of a torus shape…” Michael stopped for a few seconds.

P1 snapped his fingers.

“We’re getting off track!” Michael yelled out in frustration, just realizing what they actually need to do.

P1 reached over, grabbing a whole train that had suddenly appeared, flipping it over his side and placing it onto a floating train track.

“HNNNNGHA-BEHH! Okay, the train is back on track, and so are we.”

“Alright, aside from that dramatization, we now just have to figure out how to get to the ship.”

“Well, it’s a good thing that I stole dis here thing from that bitch.” Trevor said as he took out the teleporter he had taken from Agent 4 three days prior.

“That’s the teleporter that Agent 4 had, we can use that...”

“I know, because I took it from her.”

“Umm, when?” Twilight asked.

“Before the torture session.”

“Torture!”

“You what!” Stryker turned towards the methhead.

“Hey, the FIB did it, why can’t I help?” Trevor said with a smug smile, knowing that he could twist the law towards his favor on this matter.

“I helped.” The Dude replied.

“Then you’re no better than him!”

“You... you are two of the worst beings that ever lived! To talk so openly about such an evil, unethical, and immoral act as though it were a badge of virtue is downright psychotic!” Twilight screamed out, infuriated by this blatant defiance of... just about every moral code she held dear.

“Whatever.” The Dude said.

“Fuck off.” Trevor replied.

"We can go into detail later. That gasoline and rag combo was a good twist to a usual...” Trevor trailed off as Twilight lit her horn up with a very evil-looking magical spell that would put quite a wound on his wallet in hospital fees.

“No talking about torture!” Michael chastised the duo. “Right now, we have to figure out the codes needed for the device.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Lee said.

“Split up?” Albert suggested.

“Yes. It’ll be a while before we even find out what the code is. In the meantime, we’ll need the Princesses to come.”

“What, that dream bitch and the sunbutted one?” Trevor asked angrily.

“Luna, Celestia?” Lee clarified.

“How’d...” Michael trailed off, deciding that it probably wasn’t worth it.

“It was a portal thing.” Lee explained to the rest of the group..

“Fucker called me... don’t even want to say, and don’t say it Lee.”

“Yeah, that guy’s skull didn’t stand a chance. No way I’m saying that.”

“But it just CAME BACK! That fucker heal-kinda-rebuilt his fucking SKULL!” Trevor shouted, angry that his kill didn’t stay killed.

“Wait, describe the man for me.” P1 knew of two superheroes that had that kind of healing factor.

“Well, he had a stupid red an-”

“DEADPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL!” P1 sang at the top of his lungs.

“Wade ‘Deadpool’ Wilson, yes, he’s in Iota-1, and we’re in Iota-2.” Michael extrapolated.

“AW YEEEEEAAAAAH! But dammit though, I want to share a beer with that guy, maybe a bullet to the head too.”

“Wait, there’s another Equestria?” Twilight asked.

“Yes, although currently, it’s set a few months before this event.”

“If I’m not mistaken, which I half-n-half am and am not, then… OOH BOIII! WEDDING BELLS BE A RINGIN’ THEN!”

“Shining’s and Cadence’s Wedding!”

“Yes, and the subsequent reveal of the Changelings.”

“Yep! and all the glorious, glorious changeling bloodshed that will follow, due to Master Chief and Deadpool being heavyweight badasses, Harreh bein’ a WIZ-AH-RD, Wilson being cray-cray, and don’t forget the rockets and shit, and shit like that… damn I’d pay to see that massacre.”

“The changelings are-”

“Unorganized heathens, well… maybe organized, the point is, they’re insects in more than the literal sense, and they're the size of ponies.” Rarity shuddered at the thought of them.

“That really creepy, Nikolai no like bugs.”

“Rarity did sucker punch ‘em good though.“ Applejack said.

“Hey~, you're all here… C’MERE FOR HUGS!” P1 said as he hugged each of the rest of the Mane 6 in succession.

“Oh, no hugs, please.” The Dude’s request was ignored at the rest of the group gathered for a group hug, with The Dude at the center.

Pinkie Pie didn’t let go of P1, and giggled as she hung from his shoulders.

“You’re really fun, mister.”

“I know I am… anyways… what brings you all here?”

Twilight looked sheepish, “Well… I mean, it was a really terrible and unfriendly mistake… but...” She trailed off, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof.

“We accidentally left ‘Shy here when we left after the whole Sombra thang was done with.” AJ explained.

“Oh… that would explain why I only saw her… I’ll go get her... I’ll be back in ten minutes.” P1 assured, flying off to the castle.

There was an awkward silence.

“We should just go to where these ponies live, we have reason to stay, right?” Albert suggested.

“Well… I mean, we know that there’s an Organization base here… and…” Michael trailed off right as he was pointing in the direction of the base.

“Wait, really?” Spyro looked towards the location.

Michael didn’t respond, he stared at his hand.

“Da, but it underground though.” Nikolai informed.

“Michael, pal, what’s wrong?” Stryker asked, getting closer.

Steve: yeah, u look sik

Michael showed his hand to the others.

The skin was a sickly green, the fingernails shone like gold, he pulled back his sleeve, revealing that it trailed all the way up his forearm, ending with a gradient back to his normal skin-tone.

“Oh shit!” Lee dreaded this.

“You are...” Coach trailed off.

“This…” Michael trailed off again.

“Infected!” Lee ran towards Michael.

“I… I don’t even… it wasn’t like this before the… before I died.”

“What does it even mean then?”

“I don’t know… it feels… strong and under control... but at the same time, unnatural… I think… I know what this does.” His voice lowered for that last part, and he turned around, walking towards the Organization base.

“Should we just leave him alone for a while?” Albert asked.

“I don’t know...” Lee said.

“We could cuff him to something bolted to the ground, and wait.” Coach suggested.

“Coach, that would never work.” Lee chastised.

“It may.”

Lee sighed.

He had a choice, this would affect the entire party.

“Well Lee, you have the most personal experience with the undead, so we're asking you: what do?” P1 put the responsibility for the actions solely on Lee’s shoulders.

Take Coach’s suggestion.

Keep an eye on Michael.

-> Amputate the arm. <-

Look in the base, maybe there’s a cure.

(Say Nothing.)

“Maybe we could… I mean… it could have… no… no that won’t work.” Lee knew that if it couldn’t have saved him, it wouldn’t have saved Michael.

Try again.

-> Take Coach’s suggestion. <-

Keep an eye on Michael.

Look at the base, maybe there’s a cure.

(Say Nothing.)

“Maybe we could just… cuff him, like Coach said, he doesn’t look all that strong anyways, and-”

“I saw him break out half of Mage #6’s teeth… but that was a punch… maybe if we get a strong chain…” Blue thought hard.

“He is right. But I need you think, is this the way you want to go?”

-> Yes. <-

No. (This will put you at the previous selection scene)

(Say nothing)

“Yes, I’m sure.” Lee said.

“Alright then, you’re the expert Lee, we’ll do it.” P1 summoned a length of thick, heavy chain.

“I’m an expert in knots and tying stuff, let me handle that.” Trevor said, remembering the times he did the cliche ‘tie the guy to a sawmill log and send him down to his death’ thing, except he made it work.

It was more fun when the groin was first for him.

“Alright then, here ya go.” P1 tossed the chain, which now had shackles on either end, to the balding man.

Trevor took it and began his trek to the base.

“Weren’t you getting Fluttershy?” Twilight asked the godly man.

“And why are y’all in a bathrobe?” Applejack asked.

“Don’t worry about it… AWAAAAAAY!” He disappeared in a flash of sand-colored magic.

“I do not wish to know what he is doing with our friend.” Rarity said.

“Yeah, me too.” Pinkie began to think of some of the implications that might be.

“When he gets back with her, she better not be hurt.” Rainbow Dash cracked her neck in readiness.

Blue Comet facepalmed, knowing what his creator was like.

Fluttershy would never be hurt on his watch.

Michael looked at all of the tables in the Experiments Lab in Base 99.

That ball of dark matter that he’d found, it was still in his inventory.

He pulled it out, staring at it.

It was so solidly black and without color or shadow that it looked like it had been put in his hand by MS Paint.

“It is also a material… I think there is some connection here.”

Michael looked towards the elevator, and walked towards it.

The groans became louder, and more agonized.

“What’re you doing?”

“Ah, The Postal Dude, do you wish to join me?”

“Nah, but I felt that doing this would be a huge FU to the author here, so I’m going down here.” The Dude motioned towards the elevator.

“Hmm, sounds like we’re doing the same thing.” Michael replied.

The two entered the elevator and descended, the door opening up to reveal a room packed tight with zombies of all types.

“Alright then…” Michael raised his green hand, the golden fingernails shone with power.

The zombies all stopped their mindless shuffling and looked at the one who called upon them.

All of the zombies attempted salutes of respect, some losing their hands, some not even having arms.

A cacophony of “SIEG HEIL!” from the Nazi Zombies rang throughout the room.

A Minecraft Zombie walked through the crowd, holding a sword out to its master.

Deadly Necro-King’s Rapier
33% of total health
5% critical strike chance
Insanely Fast speed
No Knockback
Material
+10% damage
+10% speed

“Holy shit, Nazi Zombies from Space.” The Dude recognized.

“I may have knowledge of your world, but I do not recall you ever having dealt with creatures like that.”

“Yeah, but I have a mysterious past thanks to this guy, AD.”

“AD... The other Alpha?”

“Yes.” The Dude replied, looking at the Nazi Zombies.

Michael thought for a few moments on the fact that there were two Alpha humans on their side.

“So, you can control any zombie?” Dude asked, noticing how absolutely all of the zombies had assumed an attentive and respecting stance.

“I think so... I don’t know that much besides the stats of the weapon.

“But it’s cool, huh?”

“Yes, indeed. Let’s explore this place…” Michael made the elevator descend to B2.

“There might be something here of value.”

“Like this battery thing?” The Dude said, holding a massive circular battery object in his arms.

“Hmm, that belongs to a weapon.”

“Bitchin’, how does it work?” The Dude pocketed the battery.

“The weapon in question should be somewhere here, it is from a universe known as Star Wars, but it is compatible with many, many other types of weapons.”

“Alright, hey, it’s that Han Solo gun.” The Dude said as he picked up the Blaster.

“Hmm, well, it is indeed a DL-44 Heavy Blaster Pistol, but how it got here-”

“Sugar-showered asskicking, that’s how, and the sugar just makes it more sweet.”

“Perhaps, or a more logical explanation, like a simple raid on one of the Star Wars universes.”

“Logic isn’t fun.”

“Is that all you care about? Having fun?”

“Well, hear this, I can throw a machete like a boomerang, and catch it by the handle. That is fucking awesome, and that’s what I’m saying, period.”

“That doesn’t… explain… my brain is on meltdown right now… I feel as though I’m entering the Theta state.”

“I have no idea what that is, but let’s just go anyway. I just hope Vince didn’t find his way here, I owe him some money.”

“The Theta state is where the mind becomes highly reactive to information input, and side-effects include: heightened receptivity, flashes of dreamlike imagery, inspiration, and your long-forgotten memories resurfacing. Enough of my mind, this sword is not of the usual shape of a rapier, but upon close examination, thrusting is all it can be effectively used for.”

“It looks cool, though, and that’s really all that matters.” The Dude said, wanting one of his own badass Dead King Sword thingies.

“Function is far more important than form. Take, for example, this axe here.”

“It may look, as you would say, ‘badass’, but the edge is practically non-existent.”

“Hmm... makes sense, I mean, the blade looks like it’s r jagged and blunt, like my hateful wife.”

“Or that axe there, that is an example of a good weapon that has only some minor aesthetic flaws.” Michael pointed to an axe hanging low on a nearby free-standing wall.

He picked it up.

Wonderful Nightmare Execution Axe
4 melee damage
40% critical strike chance
Slow Speed
Strong Knockback
Material
“Decapitates foes on critical strikes.”

“Nothing says ‘I love to kill you’ like having a heart-shaped axe.” The Dude said in a flat tone.

Michael put it in his inventory, then moved on.

“Sometimes though, the perfect weapon comes along, and you have something that both looks, and is, badass. Let’s see if we can find one.” Michael began pilfering through the shelves, walls, and tables of the room.

The Dude was drawn to a weapon that looked like it would make many things go boom.

The BFG-9000.

“I HAVE THE ORIGINAL BIG FUCKING GUN!” He yelled, lifting it over his head like a trophy.

“Hmm... wow, the BFG-9000. Oh, it seems like the person who last used it is dead.” Michael said as he looked at the skeleton that The Dude was standing on top of.

“I know I don’t like video games, but there’re always some exception.” The Dude said as he hefted the gun.

Michael used his five-finger discount took another weapon that was laying on a nearby table.

“Hmm...” Michael mused as the information came through.

“Hey, check this out.” The Dude said, holding a new weapon in his hands.

“Oh, it’s a Ray Gun MK. II.”

“How is this different than the one Nikolai has?” The Dude aimed it, finding it to be a bit difficult thanks to the unusual sights.

“I do not know, but what I have here it the fabled hammer, Mjolnir.”

“Moaner, Fhat the wuck?”

“Thor’s hammer.”

“Oh, yeah... I thought it was Thor’s hammer because… well, Thor has dibs on using it, forever.”

“Well, if you are pure of soul, strong of heart, courageous of action, and wise of mind, you can carry it. If you were to try and hold it, you’d pull your back before you’d budge it, and the same for most others as well.”

“So then you can hold it?”

“As can a few others, such as Captain America, or even our Iota-1 ally Link.”

“Hmm... I suppose we can only pass it around to you and this Link fellow then.”

“Yes, but the good news is that you have a blaster, and a Ray Gun, and I have a hammer.”

“So we can go all Sword and Soldier on agents’ candy asses?”

“Almost, we have to find the Iota-1 counterparts, make a plan, and hear back from our inside double agent.”

“Wait, we have someone on the inside?”

“Yes, I didn’t tell most of the others because I want to give a sense of secrecy and make the plan more believable.“

“Well, who’s the double?”

“You mustn’t speak a word of this to anyone… and…” Michael whipped out his Necrotic Magic Missile and shot out all of the still-functioning technology in the room.

“Yeah yeah, scout’s honor.” The Dude held his hand up.

“It’s David, AKA Condition One.”

“Oh, how’d you convince him to work for us?”

“No, our David, he and Condition One were alternate-dimension copies, and David used a spell from the Lusar Codex to assimilate Condition One under his control, as well as make himself physically super-charged.”

“Oh, that explains why Trevor said he’s dead. You know, if things go south for all of us, I think I’ll do my two last dick moves of telling them about David, then blowing my brains out.”

“That would be very unwise Mr. The Dude.”

“I would regret nothing. I’ve made it clear about my hate for a lot of things here.”

“Yes, yes you have… so let me just check this tooltip.” Michael pulled out the Mjolnir again.

Legendary Mjolnir
460 melee damage
105% critical strike chance
Very Slow Speed
Insane Knockback
Material
+15% damage
+10% speed
+5% critical strike chance
+10% size
+15% knockback
Destroyed the Bifrost Bridge, killed Raiden, can shatter continents, and makes a damn good paperweight.

“So, when do we have to stop our little shopping spree? Because I’d like to try out some of these new toys.” The Dude asked, picking up something called ‘Acid Rounds’.

“I think we can pick up one more thing each, then leave.”

Postal Dude looked at all of the various cool things strewn about the room, and found a pair of sunglasses.

“Michael, check these out.” He put them on.

*YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!*

Michael waited until the ringing in his ears stopped, “That is a pair of heavily enchanted glasses, not only can you cast that Epic Cantrip of Sound an infinite number of times with only a verbal command, but you can use a Time Slow spell, however you have to do a backflip to activate it, and it only lasts for fifteen seconds.”

“Seems impractical.”

“It says a lot that I am surprised that you know what ‘impractical’ means.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, Michael, why are you being a giant dickface?”

“I’m sorry… but my doubts have been on the rise… while we may be outnumbered, we are not outgunned, but we are evenly classed… so the match will be hard to decide.”

“We just need to keep cool and we’ll get through this.” The Dude said, smiling slightly.

“Thank you for your hopefulness.”

“Eh, who knows, maybe my willpower is getting tired and I’m starting to accept that I have to help you guys… or maybe I’ve reached a new low in fuck-giving, so that I don’t even give a fuck about hating you guys… I don’t even know.”

“I think this place is driving us mad, but I have found what I need.” Michael pulled a broken sword filled with magic from a pile, “It may not look like much alone, but when combined with other weapons, it will become extremely powerful.” He said, putting away the broken sword.

The two left the base, and went a couple of blocks into the city, when suddenly...

“SURPRISE, YA SICK FUCK!” Trevor popped up out of nowhere and shackled Michael to a building’s side.

“TREVOR! WHAT THE FUCK?!” Michael uncharacteristically shouted in surprise and anger.

“We’re going to keep you here until we’re sure that this infection isn-WHOA!” Trevor backed away as Michael lashed at him like a wild animal.

“THE INFECTION HAS NOT MADE ME A ZOMBIE, IT HAS MADE ME A ZOMBIE CONTROLLER, I CAN COMMAND THEM!” Michael loudly explained, still struggling against his shackle.

“Oh, WELL YA COULDA EXPLAINED THAT EARLIER!” Trevor rebuked.

Michael pulled out his pickaxe, used it to break the shackle, and then, without anything to keep him from tipping over, he immediately fell on his face.

“GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Okay… *huff* I’m better… dear Redigit that was a stupid incident we just had there.”

“Yeah, alright, that was my fault… c’mon, we’re still leaving the Crystal Kingdom to go to not-crystal-pony pony land.”

“Equestria.” Michael informed.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.” Trevor said with a shit-eating grin.

Michael just laughed and shook his head, following Trevor back to the group.

-One Hour Later, on the train ride-

P1 looked at everyone on the train, first at Fluttershy sleeping in his lap, then at The Dude, who was sitting next to Lee and repeatedly unloading and reloading his Colt M@D.

“Well, it seems like everything’s going to be a lot more interesting from now on.” The blond god said, chuckling at his obvious understatement.

Michael laughed with him, “And there’s going to be a lot of surprises… like- ohhh SHIT SHIT SHI- STOP THE TRAIN! STOP THE TRAAAAAIIINNN!!!” He shouted, detecting a presence coming directly towards them.

From the velocities, both speed and direction, it was too late to avoid a head-on collision

Lee shot up and leapt towards the door to go to the engine.

Twilight was curious and scared, “Why? What is so bad that we need t-?”

Suddenly, the train collided with another train, and all went dark.

Author's Note

Me and AD really, REALLY, REALLY need to downsize these chapters, holy shit, I mean, Lag City up in here.

And so again, many disasters strike our hapless heroes, first they find out they have to do hard work, then they're caught by a deadly spell in the dark, and finally the train they're in crashes.

But who did they crash into?

Well... take a wild guess, fans, take a wild guess

As always though, check out Hexed Lives, the other half of this collab, posted on AD17's profile, show both stories some love

P1: And as always; Remember fans: do drugs, stay out of school, don't eat vegetables, and don't take my advice

P2: But do take my advice, and keep on rockin'