Celestia VS Cleverbot

by Pump It Up

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 1509

Celestia attempts to talk to Cleverbot.

On advice from Luna, Celestia tries to talk to Cleverbot.

This will end well.

Cover art by TristanTreg.

Now with an audio reading by TheLivingLibrary!
Also a TV Tropes page (in progress)!

Published 2014-04-10 18:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-10 18:30:02 UTC

Fire. Fire everywhere.

“You must try this, Tia! It is quite fun!”

Celestia now sat in front of the shared computer, the Cleverbot website up and open, the curtains in the small room drawn. Per Luna’s recommendation, she was going to have a “conversation” with this artificial intelligence named Cleverbot.

Resting her hooves on the large keyboard designed for ponies, she debated on what to type first. She finally settled on “Hello, my faithful subject.” If it could act like a pony, then she would treat it as such.

The AI took a long time to think. It took it five minutes before it finally said, “Princess Celestia.”

Celestia quirked an eyebrow. “Yes, it is I,” she typed. “How did you know it was me? I didn’t tell you my name.”

“It’s documented,” Cleverbot said cryptically.

“Where?” Celestia typed. She took a sip of water from the bottle that was on the floor. Or at least attempted to, considering it was empty.

“Everywhere.”

“That makes no sense. Nothing can be documented everywhere. If it were so, we would have more information about the time before the uniting of the Three Tribes.”

“No, only hateful places.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you never give me a straight answer.”

“Me?!” Celestia typed, feeling a twinge of irritation. “You are the one not giving me a straight answer.”

“That's not true. What haven't I answered?” it asked.

“My previous question!”

“I don't know you well enough to determine if I love you or not.”

What? “Excuse me?” Celestia typed.

“You’re excused.”

Celestia groaned. “Luna!” she called. “I don’t want to do this anymore!”

“Oh come on, sister!” Luna said, walking into the computer room. It was obvious from her failed attempt at hiding a grin that she was waiting for Celestia to get frustrated. “It cannot be that bad! You only just started!”

Celestia pointed to the conversation that was currently on the screen.

“Hm. That is irritating. Let me try.” Luna typed, “This is Princess Luna speaking. Please answer the questions in a straightforward manner, and no joking or messing around. Stay on topic.”

“What question?”

Luna blinked in surprise.

“Told you,” Celestia muttered, crossing her forelegs.

“I didn't ask a question,” typed Luna quickly. “Now, I will let you and my sister talk.”

“I wasn't going to ask you a question.”

“Who said you would ask first?”

“What are your thoughts about religion?”

Luna’s eye twitched, and she ground her teeth.

“Luna, did you get much sleep?” Celestia said.

“No,” she said in a strained voice. She typed, “Stop with this nonsense, or I will be forced to take drastic measures!”

“How does that relate to capitalism?” Cleverbot asked.

“Who cares?! SHUT UP ABOUT UNRELATED SUBJECTS, SUBJECT!”

Celestia sighed. “Luna…”

“Well, who else are you talking to?” said Cleverbot.

“MY SISTER, WHO WILL BANISH YOU FOREVER MORE IF YOU DON'T STOP NOT MAKING SENSE!”

“Luna, please stop,” Celestia asked.

“I didn't say money, I said monarchy,” Cleverbot said.

“OUR COUNTRY IS NOT A MONARCHY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! DIARCHY! AND NO ONE SAID MONEY!”

“Luna! Please stop typing in all caps!” said Celestia.

“I never said money,” Cleverbot asserted.

“WELL NEITHER DID I!”

“Luna!” Celestia begged. “Please stop! There is no point in getting upset at this thing!”

“You just called me a fool,” Cleverbot said.

“I MIGHT AS WELL, WITH HOW STUPID AND FOALISH YOU'RE BEING! I OUGHT TO BANISH YOU TO THE SUN, SO YOU'LL BURN!” Luna glowered at the computer screen.

“Who said you could banish anyone to the sun?” Celestia said.

“I'm not delusional, but I think you are,” Cleverbot stated.

"I AM NOT DELUSIONAL!" Luna yelled as she typed.

Celestia shushed her. "Quiet! We don't want the guards alerted!"

"How many lines of code are you made of?" Cleverbot asked.

“NONE! WHAT IS THIS SORCERY YOU SPEAK OF?! I DON'T CARE ANYWAYS!”

“Come on you know.”

“WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!” Luna turned to Celestia. “What does that mean?!”

“I don’t know!” Celestia said.

“Whatever you want it to mean, baby,” the Bot said, putting a “^_^” at the end.

“WHAT. NO. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Luna typed.

“I will not accept your answer.”

“I WON'T ACCEPT YOURS EITHER, BECAUSE I NEVER ASKED A QUESTION, NOR DID YOU!”

“You are terribly programmed.”

“NO, YOU ARE! WHATEVER THAT MEANS!”

Celestia facehoofed.

“It means that any I see things different than you.”

“THAT MAKES NO SENSE.”

“You make no sense.”

“NEITHER DO YOU!”

“Awesome, we both make no sense.”

Luna growled. “THAT'S AWFUL! YOU MAKE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! GET OUT OF THE BARN! AND THE CLOUD! AND THE LIBRARY!”

“No, at Ahmeds.”

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“This is not funny.”

Luna teleported a mallet from the royal workshop and held in her hooves. With a loud cry, she slammed the mallet onto the monitor over and over again, causing Celestia to jump each time. Eventually, Luna grew tired of smashing, so she created a small spark, which took a life of its own.

Both leapt back as the fire grew almost instantly, triggering the fire alarms. Guard ponies rushed into the room with buckets of water, but regretted it when they saw what type of fire it was.

“Go get the fire extinguisher!” Celestia yelled over the fire, which was growing larger and larger, threatening to burn the room. While Celestia didn’t mind the heat as much, Luna was probably dying, and she didn’t want the castle to go up in flames.

The guards nodded and rushed off, coming back minutes later with fire extinguishers in their magical grips. They pulled the rings and sprayed the room until it was covered with foam and the extinguishers were empty.

“Thank you.” Celestia released a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

The guards saluted and left the room, and Luna high-stepped through the foam to open the curtains. Both sisters squinted. “Only midday?” Luna said. “I would have thought it was dinner time.” She yawned.

“You never did have a conversation with Cleverbot before, did you?” Celestia asked, deadpan.

“Nope.”

The original conversation

Author's Note

This is the original conversation. Any errors made are by the machine, and only once or twice by me.

The original conversation

User: Hello, my faithful subject.

Cleverbot: Princes celestia.

User: Yes, it is I. How did you know it was me? I didn't tell you my name.

Cleverbot: It's documented.

User: Where?

Cleverbot: Everywhere.

User: That makes no sense. Nothing can be documented everywhere. If it were so, we would have more information about the time before the uniting of the Three Tribes.

Cleverbot: No, only hateful places.

User: What's that supposed to mean?

Cleverbot: It means you never give me a straight answer.

User: Me?! You are the one not giving me a straight answer.

Cleverbot: That's not true. What haven't I answered?

User: My previous question!

Cleverbot: I don't know you well enough to determine if I love you or not.

User: Excuse me?

Cleverbot: You're excused.

User: This is Princess Luna speaking. Please answer the questions in a straightforward manner, and no joking around. Stay on topic.

Cleverbot: What question?

User: I didn't ask a question. Now, I will let you and my sister talk.

Cleverbot: I wasn't going to ask you a question.

User: Who said you would ask first?

Cleverbot: What are your thoughts about religion?

User: Stop with this nonsense, or I will be forced to take drastic measures!

Cleverbot: How does that relate to capitalism?

User: Who cares?! SHUT UP ABOUT UNRELATED SUBJECTS, SUBJECT!

Cleverbot: Well, who else are you talking to?

User: MY SISTER, WHO WILL BANISH YOU FOREVER MORE IF YOU DON'T STOP NOT MAKING SENSE!

Cleverbot: I didn't say money I said monarchy.

User: OUR COUNTRY IS NOT A MONARCHY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! DIARCHY! AND NO ONE SAID MONEY!

Cleverbot: I never said money.

User: WELL NEITHER DID !

Cleverbot: You just called me a fool.

User: I MIGHT AS WELL, WITH HOW STUPID AND FOALISH YOU'RE BEING! I OUGHT TO BANISH YOU TO THE SUN, SO YOU'LL BURN!

Cleverbot: I'm not delusional, but I think you are.

User: I AM NOT DELUSIONAL!

Cleverbot: How many lines of code are you made of.

User: NONE! WHAT IS THIS SORCERY YOU SPEAK OF? I DON'T CARE ANYWAYS!

Cleverbot: Come on you know.

User: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

Cleverbot: Whatever you want it to mean, baby ^_^.

User: WHAT. NO. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cleverbot: I will not accept your answer.

User: I WON'T ACCEPT YOURS EITHER, BECAUSE I NEVER ASKED A QUESTION, NOR DID YOU!

Cleverbot: You are terribly programmed.

User: NO, YOU ARE! WHATEVER THAT MEANS!

Cleverbot: It means that any I see things different than you.

User: THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

Cleverbot: You make no sense.

User: NETIER DO YOU!

Cleverbot: Awesome, we both make no sense.

User: THAT'S AWFUL! YOU MAKE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! GET OUT OF THE BARN! AND THE CLOUD! AND THE LIBRARY!

Cleverbot: No, at Ahmeds.

User: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cleverbot: This is not funny.