Good Clop, Bad Clop

Several months passed and I was adapting nicely to my new role as Princess Celestia’s concubine. Two, sometimes three sessions a day where I would be drained and then service her as she liked, followed by the inevitable magic runout, which I learned to endure. Only once more had she had to "put me on the treadmill,” when I claimed to be too tired for sex. I don’t know what I was thinking; I should never be too tired to do what my Princess wants.

From reports and rumors I gleaned that the transition to a pony-ruled society was going well. There were still a few holdouts, pockets of human civilization, but they had been reduced to stone-age levels and quite frequently the people, individually or en masse, would give up and return to the ponies begging to be let back in and given modern comforts. The requests were always granted of course. The ponies were nothing if not kind.

Then one day Princess Celestia spoke to me after I came down from the magical runout. “I’m afraid that was the last time I’ll be having you.”

I was devastated. “Have I failed to give good service in any way, your highness? I’ll try harder, I’ll work out to be more attractive, I’ll—“

“No, it’s none of that. The fact is that there are still some recalcitrant humans who insist on rabble-rousing, and who need to be trained as you were. I don’t want to give that job to just any unicorn.”

“I’ll help with them! I’ll break them, just don’t leave me, please, your majesty.”

“No, no. Not only am I better skilled than you for the job,” Of course that was true. She was better skilled at me for everything. “but I find I enjoy breaking your spirits. However, I don’t intend to cast you aside. In fact, I plan to make a present of you to my niece, Princess Cadence. She will be along in an hour or so to meet you, so make yourself presentable.”

I scrubbed down harder than I ever had and made sure I looked my best. The clothing I was permitted to have was minimal, a tank-top and a breechcloth, designed for easy removal. But I wore them like a uniform as I prepared to be given to my new mistress. I was quite excited to find out what she’d be like.

When she came in, my first impression was how different she was from Princess Celestia. While Princess Celestia’s allure came from her power and mastery, Princess Cadence was simply smoking hot. (I vaguely recalled that at one point earlier in my life I would have been creeped out by thinking of ponies as hot. How silly I used to be.) She greeted her aunt.

“So where’s this gift you’re giving me?” Her voice was high and lilting.

“There he stands. . . or kneels, anyway,” said Celestia, as I had gone to my knees in proper obsequiousness.

“A human? Oh, thank you.” It was the kind of thank-you that you said while looking for a gift receipt.

“I’ll just leave you two to get to know each other.”

After Princess Celestia left the room I waited patiently for Princess Cadence to address me. She did so quite informally—“So. . . hi!”—but I took the opportunity to give the speech I’d been preparing for the past half-hour.

“Greetings, Princess Cadence. I hope I’ll be able to satisfy all your needs. If I fail to give perfect satisfaction to Your Grace in any way, I welcome your swift and just correction. I hope to provide you with many long years of service, Your Grace. Please use me as you like.” And I bowed my head all the way to the ground.

I heard her going back to the door. “Aunt Tia!” she called.

Celestia came back in the room. “Yes, dear?”

“What in Equestria did you do to him?!”

“I had my way with him and taught him his place. He was a very nasty little human who tried to escape and struck a brony who stopped him.”

“And that was wrong, but, I mean look at him groveling! You know what? Never mind, thank you for the gift.”

“You’re quite welcome, Cadence.”

I heard Princess Celestia leave again and my new mistress return to me. “OK, come on, stand up. We’re going home” she said. She waved her horn and we teleported. It was a room decorated in a more feminine style, with lots of pink cushions and lace. It was quite large and still opulent, as befit a princess of the pony-masters. Out the window I could see that we were on the ground floor and there were no other buildings around. From the trees and gardens I guessed we were in a kind of country estate.

I was still kneeling at Princess Cadence’s hooves. “All right, come on, stand up. The trip’s over,” she said. I got to my feet and kept my eyes down. “What’s your name?”

“I have none, Your Grace. Princess Celestia saw fit to take it from me and refer to me strictly as ‘human.’”

“She blocked your memory of your name, you mean. OK, first thing, cut out that ‘Your Grace’ stuff. My name is Cadence, OK?”

“Yes, Princess Cadence.”

“No! Just Cadence, unless we’re at a formal affair or some such.”

“I deeply apologize, Your—I mean, Cadence.”

“Ugh. I’m going to have to train you all over. Listen, I don’t want you to be afraid of me, got that? I want to be your friend.”

Error, does not compute. Ponies aren’t our friends, they’re our masters. “Perhaps you would like it if I serviced you now and helped clear your horn?” I said, trying to be helpful.

“Oh, you’re that kind of servant. All right, go lie down and I’ll whinny.”

“Whinny? I hope to make you do more than that.”

“Tee hee, you’re funny! Not whinny, WINI. You know, the spell?”

I was confused, and she saw it.

“It’s an acronym for ‘want it, need it.’ The spell we put on our horns when we clop together so that your reluctance is overcome?”

I still didn’t know what she was talking about.

“Do you mean to tell me that Aunt Tia never enchanted her horn before she had you suck it?”

“Ah, Princess Celestia never had me suck her horn.”

“But you said that she. . . Oh, you have got to be kidding me! Come here, look at me, look me in the eye.” I raised my head for the first time and got to see once again how beautiful Princess Cadence was. I could get lost in her big, purple eyes. “Nopony’s ever going to do that to you again, do you understand? You’re not going to be hurt like that anymore.”

“It doesn’t hurt, Prin—Cadence. Not after the first few times.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s a position of dominance instead of acknowledging you as someone helping out the unicorn. That’s why we always try to make you feel as good as we do. All right, why don’t you go ahead and disrobe.”

I removed the breechcloth I was wearing and presented myself to Cadence naked. I saw more shock and disappointment cross her face. I looked back down at my feet. “I’m sorry. I know I’m quite insignificant. I will work hard to satisfy you nonetheless in any way you like.”

“But she never. . . OK, you know what? We’re not going to do this now. Put your clothes back on until I can find something else for you to wear.”

Once more I was mortified at my failure. “I’m. . . not satisfactory?”

“It’s not that,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “You’re ill. You need to be made better before we can do it.”

“I’m not! I’m healthy, let me show you!”

“Mentally ill. So much so, you can’t know it, so you’re going to have to trust me. You’ll trust me, right?”

“Of course, anything you say!”

“OK, then go lie down for a while and relax. Your life is going to get better, I promise.”

A few hours later Cadence came back with a pony who had with him a long measuring tape. He directed me to stand still and took measurements, then brought out a new suit of clothes. Cadence told me to put it on. It was the first time in months that I had worn traditional human clothing, but if that was what Cadence wanted, I would certainly accede. When I had it on, she brought me to a mirror.

“There, now, do you remember wearing something like that? That’s how you’re supposed to look.”

I still had my duties on my mind. “You want to enjoy taking it off?”

“No! I want you to wear it because you want to! Ugh, let’s move on. When was the last time you had your hair cut?”

“I can’t remember.” I had grown quite a long and shaggy head of hair, but I liked it because it was more like the manes of the pony-masters.

“Well, I’m a fairly good jack-leg stylist, so come and sit down.” She brought over a high-backed white chair and slid a large bath towel underneath it, then went into the bathroom and emerged with a pair of scissors floating next to her.

“But you shouldn’t have to do this for me,” I said. “Give me the scissors and I’ll cut my hair, if short is how you like it.”

“No, that’s the point. You need to learn to start accepting favors. Take a seat.”

I sat down, but I felt awkward the whole time as Cadence bobbed and cut my hair down to a simpler style. Her time was just too valuable to be taken up by attending to me. When it was all over, I asked if I now met her standards.

“It’s not about that, I keep trying to tell you. You really have been sheltered and have no idea of how human-pony relations have been developing, do you?”

“I have heard from Princess Celestia that the humans’ resistance has crumbled and we are accepting you as our masters, as it should be.”

“It’s nothing like that, and Aunt Tia’s cruel for letting you think so. Let’s go out and I’ll show you what’s been going on.”

She walked to the door and spread her wings. I followed after but was surprised when she knelt. I thought it might be a gesture of devotion of some sort, but then she looked at me impatiently. “Come on,” she said, “climb on my back.”

“WHAT? I could never! Ride a pony? Oh, Your Grace, I would sooner carry you than have you carry me!”

“I’m not your grace, and I’ve had about enough of your sniveling. If you want to be so submissive, then learn to take orders. Mount me!”

As carefully as I could I put one leg over her body. She stood up and I felt sure that she would come to her senses and buck me off, but instead she kept me on with perfect balance as she flew out the door.

We flew over an arid mesa that showed little sign of civilization. To the east a river ran, cutting a channel. Nestled between the two were scattered square patches of farmland, an occasional scrub pine, and a small grouping of houses and stores. Cadence started to talk like a tour guide.

“All this was wasted land that humans couldn’t use on their own. We’re still planning a migration out of the old cities as they become less hospitable. There are a thousand people working on this town, but soon enough it will be the bustling capital of a new principality. The work progresses exponentially, and within a month we will have ten thousand people, and then a hundred thousand.”

“How many ponies will be needed to rule all those people?”

“’People’ is a catchall term to mean both humans and ponies. We are all people, deep down.” She glided down to one of the patchy farms. When we landed I saw earth ponies plowing and humans right behind them planting seeds. A human and a pony stopped the work and came toward us.

“Morning, Cadence!” said the man. “Come to watch the work?”

“Just stopping by. How goes it?”

“Nice and easy. These ponies can each till a field better than a dozen tractors, and the air’s a lot fresher. Plus we can plan out our jobs without having to worry about not knowing when it’s going to rain and when it’s going to be too hot.”

The pony chimed in. “Yeah, but with the hardy seed grain the humans have, we don’t have to worry about blight or insects or nothing! We pretty much just plant them and let the sun and the rain do the rest. And they produce so much food per acre. Cadence, the hybrids they’ve got, it’s like they were designed just for eating.”

“Great!” said Cadence. “What news about that irrigation problem?”

“I think there’s a detail that’s got that sorted. They’re working down by the river. Who’s your friend, by the way?”

“He’s new in town and a little shy. I want to show him around before I introduce him. I’ll take him down to see that detail you mentioned. Thanks!”

“No problem!” said the man, with a familiarity that I envied. He must be a high-ranking servant, probably a brony from before the conquest. We took back to the sky.

“Do you see how ponies and humans can work together?” she asked.

“Yes, but with the ponies telling the humans how to plant. The ponies do all the important stuff.”

“You’ll learn.”

We landed again along the bank of the river where a unicorn and a human woman were poring over some blueprints.

“How’s it coming?” asked Cadence.

“Oh, hi!” said the unicorn. “Jenny was just showing me how the valve she built will regulate the water flow into the farms. It’s really a genius concept.”

“Hey, I didn’t build it,” said Jenny. “I just came up with the design. It was Saffron Lace here who conjured it from hunks of metal.”

“Yeah, well, who did all the research on metallurgy to find the ore?”

“Yeah, well, who spent all night magically turning the ore pebbles into boulders?”

They broke up laughing, and Cadence joined in. Even I couldn’t help smiling. Maybe Cadence had a point that humans could be useful.

“Well, good to know everything’s coming along. I don’t want to bother you too much, just showing my friend the village,” she said as she took off once more.

“You know, Cadence. You’re right that humans and ponies can work together. I just still think it’s important for us to know our place. We’re not equals, no matter how you slice it.”

She said nothing, but swooped down to where all the houses were. In the center of them was a kind of church or town hall with a large golden bell that was clanging. Both ponies and humans were gathered and some sort of celebration was going on. I couldn’t tell what it was for until the doors opened and out stepped a red pegasus stallion in a black suit, wing-in-arm with a woman in a white dress and a veil holding a bouquet.

Cadence and I stood at the end of the receiving line and waited until the couple reached us. Both wore smiles of bliss.

“Thank you for coming, your highness,” said the pegasus. “May I present my wife to you?”

“Congratulations to both of you, Mr. and Mrs. Chaser.”

“Oh, Princess Cadence!” said the bride. “I’m so glad you could make it! Now everything’s just perfect.”

“Thank you, Erin. A wedding day is always perfect if the home the couple enters is a happy one, and I’m sure that you and Cirrus will build the happiest of homes.”

I was speechless throughout the affair. Though I did like that Princess Cadence was getting the respect that she deserved, and I admired how she knew everyone’s name, the idea of a pony-human marriage was just so foreign to me, I was spending all my brain-power on integrating it. As they left for their honeymoon, Cadence gestured for me to mount up again, and we flew home.

Once there she addressed me. “Now, do you see how it is? That pony took a human for a wife and she accepted willingly. You could not have thought that her happiness was in any way false or effected."

I had to admit she was right. But one thing was bothering me. “Cadence, will their marriage be complete if they can’t consummate it? I mean, if he tried, he’d kill her.”

“That’s the other thing that Celestia deprived you of. Ever since human-pony relationships have sprung up, unicorns have learned to magically enhance your endowments, so that women can handle the stallions and men can satisfy the mares.”

“But, then why did Celestia treat me the way she did? Why didn’t she show me how we’re working together and why was she so dominant in bed?”

“I’m afraid it’s because you were a test case. There were people—both humans and ponies—who were against comingling of our two species. Ponies, who are used to trusting everything Celestia says, will go along even if they don’t like it. But humans might become violent if they’re made to understand that their lives have got to change. Not many humans, just a few bad apples, but ones that we couldn’t let spoil everything for the rest of us. Were you that bad? Probably not, but we had to know that we had a method to deal with them and eventually make them see that comingling was good for everyone.”

“I. . . I think I hate her for that.”

“If you can say that, then your cure is complete. And feel free to hate Celestia. She’s tough and she can take it. Just don’t let your hate fester into hatred for everypony. For instance. . . I really wouldn’t want you to hate me.”

“Oh, Cadence, I could never hate you!” I threw my arms around her neck in an embrace, and saw her smile. “I wish it hadn’t happened this way, I wish I could have been yours from the start, but I’m glad I ended up here at least. And I still want to be your concubine. May I please give myself to you?”

“No,” she said. “You can’t. But we can give ourselves to each other.”