That one strange story about a donkey.
It just goes downhill from there.
Thunder crashed across the sky, sending jagged forks of lightning dancing among the dark clouds. Eugene sniffed the air.
The unmistakable smell of ponies drifted in on the growing evening breeze. Good. His vampire instincts flared. Food.
He rushed across the rolling hills of the landscape, dodging trees that were no more than small bushes to him. His three hooves pounded into the ground, nearly as loud as the thunder, and his tree trunk of a peg-leg beat out a staccato rhythm.
Before long, he reached the edge of a little town full of thatched-roof cottages. Thatched roofed cottages. His bad eye twitched behind its patch. Burninate the peasants! He shook his head. He wasn't an autistic pirate anymore. Just autistic. There was no need to burn, just to feed.
This late at night, nopony was outside. He'd have to go looking inside the houses to find any victims. It was a shame, really, having never seen the sun ever since he was bitten by that vampire-fruit-bat-pegasus hybrid. He snarled at the thought of that pegasus, with her dastardly fangs hidden behind a veil of lovely pink mane.
Slowly, as quietly as he could (which was still very loudly), he crept into the village, staying to the main streets because the smaller alleys wouldn't be able to accommodate his girth. Which house would he raid tonight?
The wind picked up, moaning around the eaves of the houses, and a delectable hint of floral perfume caught his scarred nose. That one!
He shook his head. His vampire instincts could be so insistent some times. What about all the other, closer houses? He could just lean over and suck a pony dry right now if he chose, but no the vampire in him wanted the one that smelled nice. He sighed. It would have to be done.
Rushing through the main street of the town, he abandoned stealth for no reason. It grew dull, after all, raiding villages in the night. Somewhere, not so deep inside, he longed for a little excitement and adventure... something like back in his old pirating days. Sadly, those days were no more.
Lights flickered on in the town. He was drawing attention. He didn't care.
Finally, the source of the aroma presented itself, a strange, round tent with a carousel at the top. He skidded to a stop right next to it, digging big trenches in the soft sod under his hooves. He lowered his nose to the second story windows, sniffing for the source. Not here. Slowly making his way around the building, he kept at it, until one slightly cracked window tickled his vampiric senses.
He lowered his head a little so he could peek inside.
A pale unicorn laid on a pink and red bed inside, snoring delicately. No lights or sounds disturbed the room at all. The intoxicating scent, though, that was definitely coming from her.
He grinned. This would be easy. Lightning quick, he shoved his head into the window, cracking through the glass and smashing through the wall as he bared his fangs.
A horrible screech sounded from inside. Something sharp dug into his nose.
Eugene reared back, stumbling and falling onto his rump. His eyes crossed, staring at the tip of his nose.
A little white cat stared back at him, latched onto the soft, sensitive skin of his nose with its claws. As he watched, it leaned down and bit him again.
He howled flinging his head all around, but the feline remained stubbornly in place, causing him pain far out of proportion to its size.
Finally, he was able to regain his senses, despite the attacking cat on his nose. He smirked, knowing just what to do.
His big pink tongue stuck out from his mouth, curled upward, and swept the cat down.
He swallowed it in one gulp.
An ear-splitting shriek rang out from the ruined tent. "OPAL! What has that thing done to you?"
The cat didn't reply. It was busy clawing at Eugene's esophagus most uncomfortably.
The white unicorn shrieked again. "Friendship team, ASSEMBLE!"
He just stared at her, one eyebrow rising behind his eyepatch.
With a rainbow blur, a blue pegasus landed in front of him. "Power of Awesome! ..."
An orange blur sped in, leaving an earth pony in its wake. "Power of Fruit! ..."
The white unicorn hopped down from the hole in her wall and joined the two below. "Power of Sparkly Rocks! ..."
A pink earth pony hopped in. "Power of Fun! ..."
A purple alicorn touched down behind them. "Power of Books! ..."
A yellow pegasus dropped in. "Power of Cute! ..."
"By our powers combined," the six chanted, "we are TEAM FRIENDSHIP!"
His eyes locked onto the yellow pegasus. "You!"
She just cringed away, but the orange pony stepped up. "You've got a lot of explainin' to do, missy!"
He stomped a hoof down, making them all bounce of the ground slightly. "Aargh! Who be ye callin' 'missy'?"
They all glanced at each other.
"I be a stallion now! Ever since me operation!"
The alicorn tilted her head to the side. "But... you're a donkey. That makes you a jack, not a stallion."
He rolled his eyes. "Fine. What have ye. But ye be callin' me Captain jack, savvy?"
"What have you done with my cat?" the white one snarled.
He burped. The little white cat came flying out. It sailed over the carousel tent, screaming the whole way.
"All better?"
The white unicorn's magic brought the cat sailing over to her. "Not all better! All soggy!"
"Come on, team!" The purple one stepped to the front. "Let's take care of this quick and get back to bed!"
"Yeah!" The rainbow-maned one shot into the air. "Let's kick this giant ass's ass!"
"Thankfully, I've learned a new spell that should handle this just perfectly." A smug grin crept across the alicorn's face.
"Ooh, ooh!" The pink one bounced. "What's it do?"
Her grin grew even smugger. "It summons a defender from another dimension to vanquish our foes!" She smiled. "Let's give it a shot!"
"Oh no you don't!" He rushed toward them, but it was too late. The purple one's horn was already glowing.
With a crack that everypony present felt in their bones, a strange creature appeared in front of Eugene. It was tiny. It was orange. It stood on two legs. Only a tiny bit of face was visible inside the hood of its puffy orange coat.
"What is that thing?" The pink pony stared at it.
"Mhe? Imm Kmmy."
The purple alicorn grinned. "Well, Kenny, go and vanquish our foe!"
"Whmm?" The little thing turned to look at Eugene. It turned back toward the ponies and pointed a finger at itself. "Mme?" Its eyes went wide.
Without warning, Eugene swept down and bit into it, sinking his fangs deep. Within seconds, he sucked all the life out of the little thing.
"Oh my Invisible Pink Unicorn!" the purple one shouted. "He killed Kenny!"
"That bastard!" the rainbow one replied. "Try again!"
Eugene laughed, letting the drained child drop from his jaws. "Bring it on. I could use a few more snacks!"
The purple glow from the alicorn's horn shot out again.
Along the moaning wind, a melody seemed to pick up. Fell voices played at Eugene's ears as they drifted in and out of the wind.
The second time the eerie voices came, he was able to catch the words. "Go go Power Rangers!"
As another series of notes floated through the breeze, he cocked his head to the side. "What?"
It came again. "Go go Power Rangers!" The music played again. "Mighty Morhphin' Power Rang-eeers!"
With a blinding flash and huge fireball in the background, five figures in colored pajamas and helmets leapt onto the scene, flailing their arms and legs all over the place in a staggering variety of karate-like poses.
In just moments, they were upon him, flailing at his legs, each with a different kind of weapon.
"Ow! Hey, quit it!" He swung back at them with his peg leg, knocking them back one by one. "Those things sting!"
Shaking their heads, they picked themselves up off the ground. A big glowing blue face appeared in front of them, booming out "It's just as I feared" in a deep voice.
The red one turned to the blue one. "We need Megazord!"
Eugene (very politely) sat and waited for several minutes while their huge mechanical dinosaurs rolled up and assembled themselves into an even huger mechanical man. Frankly, he couldn't help but stare at the spectacle before him.
Finally the mechanical monstrosity stepped up to him. He barely came up to its knee. "Aye... That'll do it," he muttered.
An enormous metal boot rose up and then arced toward him.
He darted away, but he couldn't move fast enough, it was bearing down on him from above, and there was nothing he could do about it but watch his imminent demise on the way.
The huge metal shoe descended, blocking out his last glimpse of the sky. It made contact. He was crushed down impossibly hard. He stumbled and his face hit the road. Immense crushing pain filled his world--
* * *
Epilogue
Rarity wiped a smear of red goo from her face. "Ew! Gross gross gross!"
Twilight grimaced at the mess all over the street. It had splattered over half of Ponyville, and it coated the walls of all the nearby buildings. She dismissed her summoned defenders back to the universes they'd come from, whispering an apology to wherever that little orange kid had come from. "Well," she said, turning to her friends, "I guess we need to get this cleaned up."
(finally)
The End
Author's Note
Yeah. This story is terrible.
If you'd like to read a good one instead, try The Dark Side Of The Sun instead.
