I don't even know anymore...
This is supposed to be sad
The sun was only an hour from rising. The land would soon be bathed in the warm and comforting embrace the light brought with it. The ponies of ponyville were all tucked away in their beds, sleeping softly. Soon, they would all awake from their dreams to enjoy the new day. They would all continue with their lives, and they would all live on with joy in their hearts and laughter in their bellies...
But not for one mare... not for this one who stood alone, in the wee hours before the dawn... she stood alone, because she was always alone. She never had anywhere to go anyway. They way she saw it, she was doing everypony a favor. She would rid them of herself, she would get out of their way... she would be gone, to never hurt or get in the way of anyone again. They would all be happy.
She took a deep breath, standing at the base of the tree. This tree, the same one she had once spent so many years of her life under, both in her childhood and adult hood... this tree had given her so many fond memories...
And now it would mark her last...
She took a deep, shaky breath as she pulled the rope out of her sack. She eyed the rope, taking in each fiber... something that would soon end her last memory. All the better, of course... this way it was easy and she couldn't back out.
Her head still swam with the many thoughts that filled her mind. Pain... loneliness... rejection... fear... and above all... failure.
A single tear streaked her cheeks as she silently tied the rope into a noose. The tear curved slowly down her cheek, leaving it's trail of sorrow before dropping down and landing on the rope. She threw the rope over the tree's lowest branch, which was still pretty high up. It flew over the branch and landed again next to the mare. She tied the open end of the rope to a root and tested it to make sure it was sturdy.
She remembered when her brother had taught her how to do that... tie that kind of knot so she could climb down the small cliffs, and make a rope ladder up into the trees... her big brother... one she would have never, ever thought of losing... somepony she had assumed would always be there for her. Somepony who would never abandon her.
She dragged a nearby log and laid it down underneath the hanging noose. She stared at the log. Funny, how something so lowly like a log would be aiding in her death tonight. Maybe it was like a metaphor or something... like... even the lowest can take down the highest... ah, buck it. She was going to die, no need to waste her time in pondering useless thoughts.
Though it was true... she had been the most dependable pony around... if anypony needed anything from her, she would be there to help them, no matter what, and she never let anypony down.
Then she did.
She remembered it like it was yesterday, though in reality, it had been about two or three weeks ago... she had lost track of time. She had been working the farm, like always. Things started to get stressful. The farm was running out of money somehow... she didn't know why but they didn't even have enough bits to make it through winter. Her friend Rainbow Dash had introduced her to a new way to deal with stress.
Drinking.
It started off a s one per week... then one per day, then soon she was hooked and frequently visited Berry Punch's establishment. She was a drunkard. She had gotten addicted to the sweet taste of the beer, whiskey, vodka, you name it... all these drinks here were way stronger than her apple cider. She couldn't get enough. Soon enough, she had started smoking.
Her family had gotten worried for her, but she shrugged them off. She was a big girl, she could make her own decisions... she didn't need somepony else telling her what was good and bad.
Then came that one fateful day.
Big Mac had gone away for the night for some well earned respite with his few buddies. Applejack had been tasked with watching Apple Bloom and Granny Smith, though they were both asleep now. She just had to make sure they both stayed safe tonight. She had done this a million times before, she could do it again.
She sat in the living room for what seemed like hours. She was getting bored, and since she couldn't have her daily dose of vodka at Berry Punch's place, she had brought some with her. She went into the kitchen, retrieved her hidden stash, and plopped back down on the couch.
She took a swig and gulped it down. She loved the burning feeling she got when drinking alcohol. The warm feeling, it helped ease her mind. She lost herself in her drinking and soon enough smoking as well. She lit up her cigar and blew a ring of smoke out of her snout. A few more drinks and she was out cold.
Applejack awoke with a burning sensation across most of her body. her opened to reveal she was in a... a hospital. She looked around. Her body was hooked up to an IV, and her throat was filled with a feeding tube. She resisted the urge to choke and spotted a nurse. it was nurse Red Heart.
The nurse pony removed the tube from Applejack's throat and looked at her with caring eyes.
"How do you feel?"
Applejack mumbled some words but they didn't form anything coherent. She tried again, this time managing the words, "Ah feel like... like s-shit..."
The nurse smiled. "Mmm hmm, you were in a terrible accident."
"Ah... Ah was?"
"Yes. I'll tell you later, but for now, you must rest."
Applejack looked at her own body. What she could see, her legs and chest... were all burnt. Red, black, burnt and mangled. What had happened to her?
"Nurse?"
The nurse turned around, having been ready to leave for now. "Yes?"
"What happened?
Red Heart's eyes darkened, and a certain cloud passed over here, like she was sad about something. "Not now... I'll tell you when you're feeling better."
Applejack growled. "What happened?"
The nurse didn't move.
"TELL ME!"
Applejack attempted to sit up, but the pain from her burns caused her to fall back in pain and agony. She felt tears slip down her cheeks as the pain washed through her. She managed to whimper out, "P-Please..."
Red Heart looked down to the ground, then back up to Applejack, with tears in here eyes.
Applejack was still crying from pain as she spoke again. "A-Ah need ta know..."
"Okay."
Red Heart sat down on a stool. "You were in a fire accident."
"A fire?"
Red Heart nodded. "Yes. Your brother Big Mac got home a few nights ago and..."
"A few nights? How long 'av Ah been out?"
"Three."
Applejack shook her head. Nurse Red Heart continued. "Your brother came home to find the whole place had gone up in flames. Your barn, your home, all gone."
"WHAT?!"
"He dashed inside to make sure you were all okay. "He found you, lying in the kitchen, partially on fire. He put you out then carried you outside. By this time, the Ponyville Fire Department had arrived, but he ran back inside, to find your sister and Granny..."
The nurse paused, leaving Applejack hanging "Well? What happened?!"
"He... uh... he found them... d-dead."
Applejack felt like her lungs had exploded. She tried to breath, but couldn't find any air. Her head swam, and her vision blurred. "D-dead?" She shook her head. "No... n-no, ya can't be s-serious..."
"He found them... both crushed and b-burned... I'm so sorry..."
"B-But..." she struggled for words. There was no way this could be true... they couldn't be dead... "You lie..."
"Applejack..."
Applejack lunged up again, ignoring the pain in her body. "YOU LIE!!!" She screamed. She slumped back down, crying from the pain of her own wounds, both flesh and heart. She had lost her family... she...
"I'm sorry..."
Applejack sniffed back the tears. "H-How did the... the fire start?"
"Officials say it... it started from a match."
"A match?"
"Yes. They found it, along with a whole pack of matches, a cigar, and a burned out bottle of vodka."
Applejack's heart sank below rock bottom. It crashed, burned, and shriveled away, then was lost into nothingness. So... her own... her own smoking? She had caused the fire? No, no there was no way that was possible... she hadn't been the cause of her families death.
"Ah... Ah caused the fire..." She said, barely above a whisper.
"Applejack..."
"No." She had a look of grimness on her face. "No... I did. It was me."
"Applejack, you..."
"Go away."
Red Heart got up. "Are you sure I..."
"GO AWAY!" Applejack screamed again. "Go away!"
The nurse left the room, but the cries of anguish of the farm pony could be heard echoing through the halls of the hospital, until they were silenced by exhaustion.
The next week had been spent in recovery. She didn't speak, she didn't move, she didn't do anything. She was alone, save the nurse who took care of her. Her friends didn't even visit her. She had never felt more alone.
Then the day came when her brother visited her. She remembered the day very well. She would never forget, ever. She shed another tear as she climbed up onto the log. The picked up her mane and played with it, casting into her yes, her mouth, or even just the open air. It felt good. Even after a long recover, the cool air on her charred skin felt good. She closed her eyes and took a deep, strained breath.
The door to the hospital room opened up, with a soft squeak and the sound of heavy hoof steps. Applejack looked over from her resting position to see her brother, Big Mac. He had a look of sorrow and despair on his face. She'd never seen him this sad before, like his very heart and soul had been torn away from him. He looked at her with... with anger? Sadness? Hate? She couldn't tell. He had always been hard to read, but now it was as if he was deliberately stopping her from reading him.
He didn't sit. he didn't even come close to her. He stood away from her, as if he didn't even want to be in here in the first place. An awkward silence hung in the air, neither pony speaking. Applejack decided to try and break the tension.
"Mac... I'm so sorry..."
He held up a hoof. "Eenope, Ah don't wanna hear it."
Her heart began to break. "W-Whaddaya mean?"
Mac took a deep breath before going on. "Ah said, Ah don't wanaa hear it. This is all yer fault." His eyes brimemd with tears, and Applejacks followed suit. "You and yer drikin' and smokin'. I know how the fire started, and if you hadn't been smokin', or hadn't been drinkin', mah sister would still be alive! So would Granny!" He took a breath, his voice getting shaky and tears beginning to streak his face.
Applejack tried to find words, something to say, to make him see this wasn't really her fault. But it was. And she had nothing to say. She could only sit in silence and accept her guilt.
"You... you caused this... it's all yer fault." He turned away from her. "Ah told ya ta stop, but ya didn't listen." He walked out the door. "Ah don't ever wanna see you again." He let the door close softly, shutting Applejack in the room with her pain.
Her heart fell apart. She had lost him. She had lost her big brother... she was now alone, for real. Her own brother turned on her... her friends would follow suit. And they should. She deserved it. Big Mac was right. She should have listened to him... she should have stopped... but she didn't. Now her family was gone.
Applejack cried, but nopony came to help her.
Applejack slipped the noose around her neck. She took a deep breath of the crisp morning air. She looked up at the tree above her. Her very first tree she ever planted, back when she was a filly. She looked towards her barn... towards her home. It still lay in a pile of rubble... a charred, burnt out shell... where all of her memories and love had died. She cried.
She let her tears fall... she didn't even bother to hold them in... she was alone now, and she deserved to die. So she was going to die. Her tears stained the log and the dirt below. They sunk into the earth, never to be seen by anypony... nopony would know her sorrow... nopony would know of her complete and agonizing despair.
She sniffed back anymore tears. This was it. She looked once to the horizon, to see the rising sun. She saw the light it gave off, and the warmth t brought. For a second, she had hope. She had a small spark of hope that maybe this would all turn out okay.
But then the thought of her brother leaving her, her own problems causing her family's death... and her loneliness all crushed that hope. Nopony would want to be around her. She had failed, she had failed so badly... and nopony cared. She should have had a friend, a brother, somepony to lean on... but it just wasn't so.
She broke down again, tears falling and causing her vision to blur to the point where she couldn't see anything. She waited no longer.
With one swift kick from her strong fore legs, she knocked the log out from beneath her. Her neck was pulled tight as the rope closed in on her, strangling the life out of her. Amidst the tears, her body fought involuntarily, but she had given up. She accepted her fate. She was a terrible pony, and she would die.
Plain and simple.
Her breath was almost out, and she managed to choke out one, small, strangled cry. A cry to her lost loved ones, and to her brother. She knew nopony would care, but she cried out anyway. She had too... it was on her heart... she could never say it in person... so she said it here, at the threshold of death's door, alone.
"Forgive me."