Ornstein and Smough Go On an Epic Quest of Infinite Discovery for Groceries

by Uberdeathninja

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Crossover, Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 19607

Ornstein and Smough, supposedly the former guardians of Gwynivere, and now full-time Buttheads, have been assigned by their new liege, Princess Celestia, their most daunting challenge yet.

Dragonslayer Ornstein and Executioner Smough, the ultimate force in all Equestria, and the two best friends in the entire multiverse, have faced many challenges in their time in Equestria, from staving off the relentless forces of boredom, to undergoing several dangerous, life-and-limb-risking night time raids on the kingdom of Celestia's Kitchen (it's more well-protected than you think). Now, these two brave warriors must undergo a daunting task, presented by the Princess of the sun herself, a journey of which they have never taken before, and many would not dare take:

These two are now on a great, perilous journey... to the grocery store. What perils await our party-crashing, trash-talking Dynamic Duo of Doom? Let's find out!

Rated mature for Sunbro-tastic Language and themes. Viewer discretion is advised.

Published 2014-07-31 07:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-05 20:40:05 UTC

The Assignment

Ah... another day in sunny Canterlot: the birds singing, skies clear and blue, and... of course, Smough and Ornstein terrorizing another shopkeeper for skimping on the weekly 'Keep Ornstein and Smough from fucking all your shit up' tax, implemented by none other than Ornstein and Smough themselves. Alas, Celestia just couldn't figure out what to do with these two. About a week after ruining the royal wedding by dumping a cake five times her size on the bride, they had returned from their not-quite-long-enough 'disappearance'. Now, Shining Armour was elsewhere, with his bride, Cadence, on their honeymoon, leaving Celestia and Luna alone with the dynamic duo of death. So, with no way to stop these two but to keep them distracted, what was the princess of the sun to do? Send them to get groceries, of course. So, that chore in mind, as well as the fading hope that they wouldn't screw this up like they did when she sent the two to protect one of her ambassadors on a trip to the dragon lands (which, thanks to Ornstein, ended in utter, almost irreversible disaster), Celestia called the two sunbros forth to her chambers, eager to be rid of the two for as long as it took them. So, with utmost attentiveness and itchy buttocks, the two now stood before Celestia herself, ready to argue with anything the sun princess said. And finally, after a while of standing and silence, Celestia spoke.

"Alright, I know you two will find some way to make me regret it, but... I need you for a task of great, near-immeasurable importance." Celestia said at last, sighing mentally at the horror she was probably going to unleash upon the world.

"Of course, O gigantic sun-butt! What wouldst thy most many of chins request of us, your roundness?" Ornstein said excitedly, streaming off fat jokes without a pause between. Celestia, understandably, almost exploded on them for that, but maintained her calm, for she would soon not have to see these two for a while, if all went well.

"Yesss... I require you two... to pick up the royal groceries for today." Celestia spoke, and Ornstein and Smough simply looked at her, heads cocked to the side in confusion, and then to each other, before turning back to her.
"I want you to pick up some groceries, and come back. Not go to some kindom to slay some tyrant, not start a war with the dragons again. Just. Get. Groceries." She said In an unintentionally menacing tone, not that it scared the bros.

"Groceries? You're... sending us... to get groceries?" Ornstein asked finally, his voice full of confusion. Then, he and Smough looked at each other for a good while, seeming to just stare at one another, to the untrained eye, but in fact, they were commuting telepathically to each other, using their long-established, bros-only mental link.

"Waddaya think, Smogles? Think she's finally lost her marbles?" Ornstein asked his eternal sunbro.

"Hard to say, bro. I don't think she's hollow yet, but it's hard to know until we act. I say we go for it." Smough telepathically replied, and Ornstein scrunched up his face in thought, and 'spoke' to Smough again:

"Are you sure? It could be a convoluted, overly-complicated plot to get rid of us!" Ornstein exclaimed through the bro-link, but this did not frighten Smough the Stoic.

"We must try, Ornstein. Otherwise, what is our word but empty speech? Besides, She's been trying to get rid of us for a year now. What makes you think it'll work this time?" Smough asked, and Ornstein made no gesture, but both understood Smough's words to be true. And now, they had finished their silent discussion, and Smough was the first to speak:

"Very well, O largest of royalty. It will be done!" Smough said, and the two set out, not very eager to complete their quest, but whatever.

Meanwhile, though, Celestia stared at the two as they left, still wondering if she had made the right decision by setting these two loose, without her to keep what little of a leash she had on them.

But then again, how bad could it be? With such simple task at hand, even these two couldn't POSSIBLY screw it up...

...Right?

LATER

"I'm tellin' you Smough, she's crazy. I'd know. If we went on a journey though the multiverse, and we will, it HAS happened before, It's undoubtedly gonna be her fault. This simply HAS to be a trap." Ornstein said surely, looking over his shoulders for possible assassins that should have been there, but unfortunately weren't.

"Hey. First of all, She's likely just a little stressed. Second, There IS no trap, you're just being paranoid. Besides, I'm big enough to squash anyone stupid enough to gank us." Smough retorted.

"With or without the armor?" Ornstein asked flatly, invoking the Executioner's ire.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean? I'm a good-lookin' guy, Certainly not fat." Smough commented meekly, and Ornstein retorted swiftly, further heckling his Solar-guarding brother.

"Under all five tones of that armor maybe. But let's face it; that armor makes Santa Claus look like a Slim-Jim." Ornstein countered, but Smough stood silent for a moment, and shrugged.

"Eh, at least I'm not Havel." Smough said, and both burst into light mirth at the mention of the over-popularized bishop of Gwyn. However, their laughter was short-lived as the duo looked around and, with great horror, realized something truly unsettling: They weren't in Equestria any more.

Celestia watched the two lunatics leave, and watched them walk out the castle door, into town to complete their task. But still, a feeling most unpleasant still befell her, and she knew they were going to find some way to fuck this up, because that's what they do: Screw everything up so epicly, no living thing could ever rival them in the sheer concept of fail they exude when attempting any given task. And lo, just as they neared the store, to Celestia's horror and expectations, a portal had suddenly opened up In front of the idiots and swallowed them whole, made worse by the fact that they just walk right into it as if it were the most casual thing in the world.

"What... have I done..." Celestia asked rhetorically, a face of sheer terror etched onto her face as the thought of what horrible repercussions would come of this grandiose farce. This couldn't be happening, she thought, but the more she stared at where the two warriors once stood, the more it dawned on her: They were gone, left to do any number of unspeakable horrors to whomever they pleased, without her to keep a chain on them. Without those two restrained by here strict rules, who knows how many lives were at stake. Never before was Celestia so terrified for the untold numbers of lives now at stake, and she promptly ran off to inform her sister of this, hoping to at least find the two sunbros, wherever they may be, so that the situation would have even the slightest chance of salvation.

Later

Smough and Ornstein looked around their new surroundings, pondering: Where was this place? How did they get here from the road leading to the store? And, most importantly of all...

"Where... the fuck... is the sun!?" Ornstein asked, looking to the dark, star-filled sky in as much dismay as he could possibly muster, tears filling his eyes as he gazed upon the void where his most beloved, beautiful of stars used to dwell.

"Ornstein, please, be calm! There has to be a logical answer to all this!" Smough pleaded, ever being the more rational of the two. But Ornstein did not listen, and continued to wail his anguish to the heavens, letting all in an exactly 28-mile radius know of his pain and loss as he gripped Smough, shaking him violently.

"Nooooo!!! The sun is GONE, Smough! GONE!!! And not even NEAR the time it is supposed to rest! This isn't possible! There is no logic in this place, Smough! ONLY DARKNESS AND EVIL!!!" Ornstein cried, and then the proud knight of the sun proceeded to curl into a fetal position and place his thumb against his helmet, as if sucking it. Thus, with much futility, Smough tried to retrieve his maddened friend from the clutches of madness, but to little avail; Ornstein was simply beyond help, and Smough was so very close to giving up himself. But then, out of nowhere, a rustling in the dead vegetation was heard by the two, and they bolted upright, wary of an impending ambush of whatever horrors lurked in this land of perpetual darkness.

"Ornstein, did you hear that?" Asked Smough, nerves shot and adrenaline pumping, as Ornstein replied:

"Of course. It is no doubt the abominations that dwell within this abysmal, lightless land come to feast upon us, the last true believers of the most sacred star in the sky!" Ornstein exclaimed accusingly, and the rustling occurred again, but with greater intensity. And then, the two brandished weapons, eager to destroy whatever opposed them.

"Smough... when we're done here, I hope to find the one who has taken my beloved sun, and destroy them!" Ornstein exclaimed at last as the sounds of movement drew near, and Smough promptly responded:

"We will, Ser Ornstein, we will! You will not go un-avenged, O beloved sun!" Smough yelled, but as he did, the movement stopped, causing the two warriors to look around, hearts pounding, and heads confused as to the reason of the sudden silence.

"What... It stopped..?" Smough asked, and Ornstein opened his mouth to speak, when an unseen mouth opened before his, and spoke before he had a chance:

"You speak of the sun as if you have seen it before, strangers... Just from where do you hail?" The voice asked, and a faint rustling was heard, getting closer, but the two sunbros answered it without fear or thought, eager to meet the treacherous speaker in combat.

"We are the true adherents of the sun, the warriors from the land of Sunlight, Ornstein and Smough!" Ornstein answered. And as if on cue, Smough spoke next to the odd voice that dare ask of their names:

"We hail from the land of Equestria, a land you doubtlessly have never heard of, judging by the inherent and all-consuming darkness here. Now, where are we, and who are you to challenge us so? Speak now!" Smough ordered, and the invisible creatures stopped moving, and all became deathly silent as an oppressive wave of judgement washed across the field. This silence lasted for a good while, but was eventually broken by the voice of one of the unseen stalkers; a question, in fact.

"... You say... you are from Equestria?" The voice asked, and the knight and the executioner both looked at each other, and thus replied:

"Yes... have you heard of it, by chance? We would desperately like to return there." Smough calmly asked, but the voices hesitated, whispering amongst themselves in tones uncaught by either Fatty or Beanpole, and soon replied something that chilled them both to their bones, more so than the already-frigid night air:

"... Impossible... This is Equestria, and the sun has not shone here for thousands of years." A small voice replied, and Smough and Ornstein immediately reeled back in an exaggerated expression of their surprise.

"What!?!? This is BLASPHEMY! THIS IS MADNESS!! THIS IS SPARTA!!!" Ornstein shouted in anger, stomping his boots and raising his spear in a bout of righteous anger. It was all Smough could do to hold him back from the disembodied voices, but he succeeded eventually, and Ornstein (reluctantly) calmed down in time for the voices to speak again.

"It is true, I'm afraid. Ever since that fateful summer festival many years ago, the sun has not risen since, and the night sky pervades all. In fact... it is odd to such brightly-dressed individuals as yourselves, as Mistress Nightmare Moon has banned all other shades of color but those worn by her night sky." A voice says, and Smough and Ornstein, in their infinite foresight, felt a terrible, sinking feeling of dread enter their respective guts, and the unseen creatures that had spoken to the two finally revealed themselves to the two, revealing themselves to be, well, ponies, as expected. But Ornstein and Smough still looked in horror at them, for their colors were nothing short of blasphemous: Dark fur, bright, cat-like eyes, dark armor and bat wings adorned the 'ponies', and though stunned, Ornstein still mustered all his senses and courage, and finally spoke.

"What... the actual... fuck..." Ornstein muttered loudly, not afraid to express his understandable confusion.

"This land... even the ponies have become twisted and dark!" Smough immediately replied, and the odd creatures looked at each other in confusion, the at the warriors, and replied themselves:

"I... I'm not sure what you're talking about. Ponies had all died out years ago, due to the Eternal Night Edict. We are thestrals, not ponies." The tallest of the bat-ponies said, and Ornstein, having had enough of this foolishness, raised his spear in front of him, and stood ready.

"Enough of this heresy! Stay back, horrid creatures of the abyss! Keep away from me, or I will be forced... to use FORCE!" Ornstein shouted, and the thestrals all jumped back as his spearhead lit up with streams of electricity, causing the area to glow with a bright, virtuous light. However, the thestrals did not appreciate this sudden burst of light, and proceeded to avert their eyes, pained expressions on their faces.

"Please... turn it off!" Cried one.

"My eyes! Make it stop!" Exclaimed another.

"It burns!!!" whimpered a third, and when all had backed up sufficiently, the Knight lowered his spear, stopping the flow of holy electricity through it. And, at last, Smough intervened, seeking to calm both parties.

"Please, everyone, just stop. Listen, we don't want any trouble, we just want to go back to OUR Equestria, so we can finish our job! Look, can any of you help us?" Smough asked, and after some blinking and eye-rubbing, a single bat-pony answered, still cowed by Ornstein's totally called-for display of power.

"Uh... I'm sorry, but... we don't even know how you got here, or what you even are! I'm sorry, but we..." the young thestral mare was quickly cut off as Ornstein jabbed his spear forward, pressing the tip against her neck. Then, the enraged Knight of Gwyn spoke, his voice full of anger and conviction:

"I swear to Gwyn, if you say 'We can't help you', I'm going to turn you into one deep-fried thestral! Understand?" Orstein asked, and the bat-pony quickly nodded, whimpering, and the others backed away, all officially afraid of the super-sized knight before them, and began to edge toward Smough. Not to ambush him, mind you, but simply for the hope that the massive executioner would get between them and the unreasonably angry Knight that just threatened to kill the youngest of their patrol If he ever decided to enact on that threat.

"Ornstein, stop being an ass. As far as I can tell, There's no way home, and torturing the little bat-pony-things isn't going to help us." Smough said valiantly, and the thestrals proceeded to go back out into the open, thankful that the more reasonable Executioner Smough had defended them so.

"It always worked in our Equestria..." Ornstein replied sullenly, but he still lowered his spear, his will to lift it slowly fading with his will to live.

"Well, this isn't our Equestria. But as far as I'm concerned, we can still make the most of it." Smough said, attempting to cheer up Ornstein. Indeed, it seemed to work, for as soon as those words left Smough's mouth, Ornstein looked up at his cheerful companion.

"Oh yeah? And how do we do that? The Nightmare bitch has taken my lord's beloved star from its rightful place in the sky! How do we make this situation better?" Ornstein sullenly asked, but Smough simply swung his hammer over his shoulder, frightening the thestrals briefly, and replied with a tone as bright as day:

"Simple, Orny ol' pal! We just do what we've been doing since we got to our original Equestria; drive the royalty nuts!" Smough exclaimed, and Ornstein, at last, straightened up, smiling beneath his lion-esque helmet, and lifted his spear again, eager to bash the skull of some royalty.

"So, Snorlax... you proposing a crusade?" Ornstein asked, hope and eagerness in his voice, and Smough nodded, smiling.

"Why, I was insinuating just that. Shall we topple the monarchy as we know it, Ornstein old chum?" Smough asked, and Ornstein grasped Smough's hand, and the two pulled into a bro-bump, setting their new goal in stone.

"Let's avenge the sun, bro." Ornstein replied simply, and then the massive knight turned to walk away, when the the thestrals stopped the two, shuffling awkwardly as if wanting something.

"Um, excuse me, sirs?" The leader asked nervously, and Ornstein was first to respond.

"Whatcha want, mutant?" Ornstein asked, and the thestrals backed away again, fearing the knight's wrath, but when it did not come, they stepped forward again, and hesitantly begged their audience:

"Well... you see, I'm glad you two have found purpose, but... I'm afraid we have to arrest you now." the little bat-pony said, and Ornstein and Smough looked at each other for a moment, and then at the thestral, before laughing as hard as they could possibly manage. And as they laughed, the self-esteem of every thestral in the immediate area dropped quite considerably, their ears and tails drooping lower with each 'guffaw!' from the two massive beings of sunlight. Finally, when there were no more laughs to be had from the joke (which took a while to manage, understandably), Ornstein stood upright, and addressed his would-be captor with as much brutal condescension as he could muster.

"You're joking right?" The lion knight asked simply, and the bat-pony guard trembled a bit, fearing another violent outburst from the knight, but even though she was a mare, she had such grandiose brass balls, she confronted the knight a second time anyway, despite the fact that he was literally four times her height.

"I... I'm afraid not. You see, we have to kill any who would oppose Nightmare Moon, but seeing as... we're feeling reasonable, per say, we will just take you to a cell, try you, and hopefully put all this sun-avenging nonsense behind us, if you'd be so kind?" The little thestral offered meekly, and Ornstein and Smough looked at each other for a moment, just a moment, and Ornstein returned his gaze to the leader, and returned his answer: He ran up to the thestral guard, raised his foot back, and before the poor guard could even wet herself, Ornstein swung his foot forward, and punted the bat-pony so hard, she sailed through the clouds, ended up in low orbit of the planet, and crash-landed behind Ornstein before he even set his foot back down. Needless to say, the bat-ponies were all cowed by this, and all but the youngest backed away, the youngest being too scared shitless to even move. And with that, Sir Ornstein doth reply:

"That's a 'no', in case the rest of you were wondering." Quoth sir Ornstein, and the guards all fainted right there, except the youngest, who then broke down sobbing and peed herself in sheer terror of the massive, angry knight of the lord of sunlight. And thus, the business concluded with their would be assailants, the massive warriors marched off, eager to destroy whoever had stolen their sun away, and hopefully return the wondrous body back to its rightful place in the sky.

And thus, began the first of many adventures of Brave sir Ornstein and his trusted Bro, Executioner Smough.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Episode. 1: Ornstein and Smough save the mother-fucking world, bitch.

Chapter 1:
Ornstein and Smough save the mother-fucking world, bitch.

The ever-present night air was still and motionless in the decrepit city of Nightmaria, the capital city of Nightmare Moon's Equestria. None left their homes but to work or get food, and all lived in fear of the tyrant queen, as it should be. And in the throne room of the tall, spire-like castle, Nightmare moon sat, gazing upon a crystal orb of sorts, as if expecting something from it. But alas, nothing happened, and so she sat, bored out of her skull.

See, it had been too long since a revolution started, and now that all was under her control, what was she to do? The world was hers, and all bowed to her might, and even the mightiest warriors dare never to oppose her... or so she thought. Just as the queen of darkness herself began to slip into a boredom-induced nap, the crystal sphere before her lit up, brighter than a star, and emitted a loud, shrill scream, causing Nightmare Moon to jump, almost out of her skin.

"What is this... What's going on?" Nighmare Moon asked rhetorically, and she tried to look at the crystal before her, but no sooner had she put her gaze on it, did the artifact explode, causing the queen to scream and duck for cover. After the event, a moment of silence passed, then another, and Nightmare moon, no longer afraid for her life, raised herself from the floor, and examined the remains of her scrying crystal with extreme intensity. Then, finally, she spoke, to no-one in particular.

"Mmm... this is unfortunate. What in the world could be so powerful as to resist my scrying?" Nightmare pondered, but the more she thought, the grimmer her thoughts turned, always pointing to the one possible answer.

"Ngh... It can't be her... could it?..." Nightmare Moon wondered, suddenly becoming very restless. "It couldn't... no, I made sure that sister dear stayed on that cursed sun of hers... so what could this be? Where could all this light be coming from!?" Nightmare Moon cried at last, but as she stood, the answer never came. One thing was certain, however: Whatever this new power was, it wasn't from this world, and it wasn't very far away. This, of all things, would not stand for the queen of Equestria. And so, without another thought or word, she summoned many of her guards to her throne room, and waited.

And lo, she did not wait long. Soon, her most elite of Thestral guards stood before her, and knelt, knowing well that their lady did not like to be kept waiting. And then, without further ceremony, Nightmare moon addressed her elite guard with harshness and urgency in her tone.

"My guard... I suppose you wonder why I've brought you to my inner sanctum on such short notice?" Nightmare Moon asked, but the elite guard remained silent, save for one: A younger, but clearly ambitious and mean-spirited thestral mare with light blue eyes, a single white streak in her mane, and with courage and a temper that could scare most dragons. This mare, obviously undaunted by her liege, answered with due haste and respect for her matron of the night:

"None of us question your decisions, Matron of the Eternal Night. We eagerly await your command." The mare replied simply, bowing her head, and the rest followed suit, causing Nightmare Moon to smile evilly. And after a moment of silence to soak in the feeling of subservience from her elite minions, finally spoke, and issued forth her decree.

"Indeed. Listen, and listen well my elite. A force has made itself known to me, deep in the Everfree wastes, and it feels particularly bothersome. My orders are that you find this force, incapacitate it however you deem fit, and bring it to me. Heed this, though, you are NOT to kill or otherwise destroy this threat under any circumstances: I wish to do that myself. Are we clear?" Nightmare Moon asked, and the lower elite nodded, but the young, brash leader stood tall, and spoke again:

"It will be done, your highness." The thestral mare spoke, and she, too, lowered her head in a bow. And at that, without another word spoken, the small-but-deadly force left the throne room, and soon left for the castle. Before they made way for what was once the Everfree forest, the leader stopped the troupe, and began to issue orders.

"Alright, here's how we go about this, soldiers. Once we reach the forest, the group will devide into two groups. One group will patrol around a specific area in the wastes, and the other group, which I will be in, will go in and investigate inside the determined area. Am I understood?" The young, mean-tempered thestral asked, and all of the other guards acknowledged and agreed, except for one, who immediately made himself heard:

"Um... Don't you think that plan's a bit risky, Malentia?" the guard asked, and the young leader, apparently named 'Malentia', turned to him, an angry expression on her face.

"Pardon?" Malentia asked, and oblivious to her ever-present anger, the guard continued.

"I mean, why devide into any groups? We know where they are, and they probably don't know that we're coming. Why not just strike with full force while we have the chance?" The obviously mentally-challenged guard asked, and Malentia glared at him, causing all the others of the small group to start breaking out into a fear-induced sweat.

"You questioning orders, private?" Malentia asked, metaphorical venom dripping from her voice, and metaphorical fire burning in her eyes (because if either of those were literal, this story wouldn't be half as serious as it already is). But, upon hearing these words, the private began to feel doubt, and under the dominant Malentia's scrutiny, the guard buckled at last.

"... N-no, ma'am." The guard reluctantly replied, and Malentia's gaze finally moved off of him, and to the rest of her squad.

"Alright, you all know the drill! Let's get moving, now!" Malentia finally yelled, and the other thestral elite spread their wings, and flew. However, at the same time, at their destination, other things were afoot... other, more terrible things...

Ornstein and Smough meandered aimlessly through the dead forest, not a care in the world as they marched forward, both singing the Space Jam theme aloud, for all to hear, as their combined amount of fucks to give simply could not reach higher than zero. But as they did, Ornstein's knighty-senses began to tingle, and he quickly turned his gaze to the sky, still singing the catchy tune that accompanied the two warriors on their journey. But though he looked to the sky and behind him, Ornstein still could see nothing but a heretical lack of sunlight, and it was not long before Smough detected his friend's unease, and saw him looking around, as if suspecting a trap.

"Yo, Beanpole, you okay?" Smough asked his companion, and Ornstein quickly turned to him and replied.

"Hm? Oh, It's nothing, Smough. I just have the weirdest feeling that... I'm... being watched! Aha... damn it!" Ornstein shouted as he quickly turned around, as if to catch someone, but the disheartened knight only found dead trees and brush, and Smough quickly became confused at the sudden change in behavior of his fellow sunbro.

"Ornstein... you sure you're okay? You're acting weird again." Smough noted, remembering the time Ornstein got lost in the Everfree, almost starved, and only managed to survive by eating odd berries for a week. Needless to say, he did not get out all right, and needed his stomach pumped immediately after.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. It's just that there might be... somethingoverthere! Gwyn damn it all!" Ornstein fumed again, looking around with renewed vigor. And thus, needless to say, Smough began to suspect something was amiss.

"Ornstein, you're not really acting 'okay'. What the heck's going on? Are those ninjas following you again?" Smough asked, and Ornstein lowered his head in defeat, and sighed.

"No, I don't think it's the ninjas, Smough. I just can't help but feel like we're being... watched." Ornstein explained, putting an ominous emphasis on the last word, 'watched'. At this, Smough's attitude took an immediate change, and he, too, began to look around, and neither uttered a single 'come on and slam' or 'welcome to the jam' the whole time. The two simply walked, deathly silent, and constantly vigilant. And as they walked, the feeling of being watched only grew, further angering the two warriors of Gwyn.

Meanwhile, in the brush nearby, the two warriors were indeed being watched, and by a very formidable adversary. One of the elite thestral guard, during their patrol of the dead forest, found the knight and the executioner as they sung their odd, basketball-themed anthem to the heavens, and this attracted his attention immediately. But though he had the element of surprise, even after the large knight searched for him, something still ate away at him: the thestral had never in his life seen such odd creatures before, and could have never imagined them in his wildest dreams: both creatures were clad in the brightest, shiniest gold armor he could imagine, and then some, but their appearances otherwise were so vastly different, it became a chore to think about how they stood by each other like brothers. Suddenly, though, the guard's thoughts were put on hold as the thin, leonine creature turned its head to his location, causing him to freeze in place, for fear of being caught. Then, in a voice like thunder, the knight spoke:

"Hey, Smough, I think I saw something." It said, glaring at where the guard stood, causing his heart to race; he had seen the armaments that the odd creatures carried, mostly the lion-like one's spear, and he was quite loathe to find out just how effective that the weapon was at actual combat. But neither being moved, even after the first one spoke, and the giant, fat one soon replied after his knightly companion:

"... Are you sure, Ornstein? I just see bushes." The giant replied, quickly followed by the being apparently named 'Ornstein'.

"Yeah, see? that one, it just moved. Hell, I think I hear it breathing." Ornstein noted, and the warrior pointed his spear at where the thestral hid, and the guard, upon hearing this, promptly stopped breathing, and willed his whole body to be still. How they found him so fast was a mystery to the guard, but he had to hide from them, or it was more than his life that was at stake, but the whole mission... not that his life was any less important. And then the two simply stood there, staring at the bush where he hid, as if they could see right through it. And the thestral guard, finally accepting this to be the end, began to compose his excuse for spying on the two dreadful warriors. But, thankfully, it never came to that; Just as the thestral was planning his surrender speech, the building-sized giant Smough turned about, and spoke to his friend.

"Hmm, might just be the wind. Let's get moving, Ornstein." The giant finally said, and the two finally left, letting the terrified guard breath a sigh of relief.

However, all was not as it seemed; for as the two seemingly had stared at the bush where the guard hid, they secretly were conspiring using their mental link, and had soon reached a conclusion: There was, indeed, a spy creepin' 'round here, and he wasn't one of their's. More importantly, though, they didn't need this one reporting back to H.Q. So, nodding their heads at each other, the two dunderheads secretly equipped their friendship slumbering dragon crest rings, and walked off, only to slip around behind the bush they suspected hid the lone enemy. And as they did, they saw just what Ornstein had said there'd be: a single thestral guard, like the ones they harrassed, er, fended off, earlier. However, this one was male, and had quite ornate-looking armor for a mere guard.

After seeing the two giants leave his field of vision, the lone elite guard of the night queen breathed a heavy sigh of relief, happy that the two did not catch him, for fear of what horrible things they would do to him. Especially the fat one. So, with that done, the guard turned around,and began to trot away from the bushes, eyes closed and smile wide.

"Alright, now to bring this report in to the boss..." The guard said to himself, his mood unspoilable... that is, until his face impacted into something tall and hard, like a tree. A tree that was made of metal. And was growling at him. But, suspecting he had indeed bumped into the remains of a dead tree, the thestral shook his head briefly, and glared at the malformed, yellow...

"Wait... trees aren't... yellow..." The guard trailed off as he looked up at the golden, growling 'tree' before him, only to find that it was segmented, and had a foot. Then, as the thestral gulped in absolute, heart-sinking terror, he looked up more, and saw just what he only could have in his worst nightmares: the 'tree' was a giant leg, there were two of them, and they both belonged to... to...

"Hey, Ornstein, look what just bumped into me." the colossal, obese giant bellowed, and the guard's tail, ears, and chances of survival were dropped like they were hot. Then, as if to make the day worse for the already-doomed thestral guard, another tall, gilded creature dropped from the treetops, brandishing its feared spear with ease and speed.

"This one's got issues, bumpin' into us like that... I think he needs to be taught a lesson." The tall, leonine one growled, cracking its armored knuckles as it spoke, and the other one popped its neck in response.

"I agree, Sir Ornstein. I'm lookin' forward to makin' this one squeal like a piglet..." The giant replied, and the guard, now surrounded with no escape, gulped, and tried to talk his way out of the imminent gang rape about to occur.

"C-come on, guys, can't we be civil? I wasn't going to say anything, I swear! Look, I can even tell you what you want!" The guard pleaded, but his pre-gank cries fell on deaf, armored ears. But out of sheer courtesy, the two giants did respond:

"That's right: You AIN'T gonna say nuthin', pipsqueak." The tall knight growled, further intimidating the guard, and the giant spoke next, cementing the guards fate with his words.

"And you ARE gonna tell us what we want... after some good old-fashioned coercion, of course." The giant finally said, and the trembling, sweating guard began to back away as the two drew nearer to him, arms outstretched like hungry zombies... or horny hillbilly inbreeds. Either way, neither scenario appealed to the guard, and his desperate pleas rang out once more, for the last time:

"W-what are you gonna do!?" The terrified, now empty-bowelled guard asked, and the two stopped, stared, and finally laughed, their response pretty obvious from the start. But just for the sake of milking this scene for all it was worth, the two looked at the little guard, and the knight replied first:

"Let's just say, kid... You'd better prepare for trouble..." Said the knight, followed by his round cohort:

"And you'd sure as HELL better make sure it's double." The giant executioner growled at last. "Ornstein... do you have the 'device'?" The executioner finally asked, and the Knight of the Sun laughed, an evil, throaty laugh, as he pulled something from his chest pocket, and moments later, all across the dead forest, the lone guard's scream rang out, making all who heard it cringe at the sheer pain and anguish it exuded.

Meanwhile, in an entirely different part of the wastes, another team, led by Malentia herself, was searching high and low for the two armored miscreants that dared invade their land. It wasn't long, though, before one of them found tracks: a small thestral mare, obviously a newbie (or n00b, for you more internet-savvy folks), had soon found a gigantic crater in the earth, almost bigger than she was, and it definitely looked... different.

"Um, guys? you might want to see this..." the guard called, ushering her comrades in soon enough, including the ever-cocky team leader, Malentia.

"I swear, private, this had better be worth my ti... woah!" Malentia stared at the gargantuan crater in the ground, big enough for her to fit inside, and then some. And as they stared, they all began taking notes on its appearance, most notably Malentia, who gazed over the thing like a kid at a whole rack of action figures, or dolls, or One Direction C.D.s, or whatever kids like these days.

"Obviously a foot... five protrusions each, like some kind of paw... and this is huge, almost five hooves wide! No wonder Nightmare Moon wants this thing gone!" Malentia noted, and she almost continued to terrify her subordinates with more facts on how this thing could kill them, until a loud, pain-filled scream echoed from deeper in the forest, and all but Malentia shuddered at the coincidence alone. And as soon as it stopped, almost every guard in the forest had fled, all but those in Malentia's group, those poor, damned fools. But lo, she merely stood defiantly in the direction of the scream, and gave her fateful order.

"Alright, troops, let's move out!" Malentia ordered, but many of her troops shuddered, and ultimately didn't move, invoking the leader's ill-tempered ire.

"... Well? I said move, that means that way, NOW!" Malentia tried again, but no guard stepped forward, and one even protested:

"Um, can we not, and say we did? I like that plan better." One guard said, and all muttered in agreement, all afraid for their lives, for what they were worth.

"Yeah, that scream kinda sounded like imminent death."

"I ain't going towards that. No way in hell."

"I think I'll need a psychiatrist after this..."

Thus came the varied and many replies to her order, but Malentia, ever the typical femme fatale, shot those hopes down with extreme and unreasonable prejudice.

"NO! You're all going, that way, NOW, before I have an aneurysm and COURT MARSHAL YOU ALL! Do you understand, or do I have to start disciplining?" Malentia yelled, and all the guards trembled, weighing what they were more afraid of at the time; A giant, monstrous, very possibly aggressive and carnivorous beast of untold strength and destruction... or their boss. After a brief chewing-out by said boss, however, the decision was made very clear and obvious, and the remaining guards reluctantly (and I use the term loosely) marched forward, possibly towards imminent death, unimaginable terror, or worse...

Meanwhile, horrible screaming came from the place where Ornstein and Smough captured their prey, and it was quickly obvious what the two were doing to entice such screams of unbridled terror and pain:

Smough was sitting on the poor guard so as to pin him to the earth, and Ornstein held up a strange, rectangular device that could fit in the guard's hoof, but emitted a horrible, terrible, ear-destroying noise so vile, it makes me, the narrator, cringe to describe it. And as the noise played, the poor guard cried and begged, but the two did not listen, and merely sang along to the horrible song, tripling its already-unbearable painfulness.

"Please, stop, for the love of Nightmare Moon, please stop! I'll do anything! ANYTHING!!!" The guard sobbed, his ears already bleeding from the sheer volume at which the music was playing. And finally, Ornstein paused his noise-making torture device, and addressed the guard in a tone most disdainful:

"Renounce your false religion, sinner, and give me my sun back!" Ornstein demanded, causing the damaged guard to cringe. But still, the guard spoke, though what he said only deepened the trouble he was in:

"I don't know what you are talking about, you psychopath! The sun is gone, and it's not coming back! Just let me go, please!" The guard said, and Ornstein grunted once in annoyance, and tapped a button on his little machine, causing the appalling noise to return to the air, completely drowning out the guard's cries of anguish.

"It's such a shame, Ornstein, this perpetual darkness has gone and withered their brains! They just don't know how to not get tortured, it seems." Smough noted over the music, and Ornstein nodded in agreement, his thoughts now solely focused on making this guard suffer as much as possible. However, the song finally ended soon enough, and the guard's head dropped, relief overwhelming him as the horrible noise finally ceased. Then, at last, Ornstein and Smough spoke again, hoping to glean the required information from the prisoner this time.

"Now, you blasphemous inbred, tell us where your leader is! Or do you want another taste of Rick Astley's most famous hit?" Ornstein demanded, but the half-dead guard merely groaned, and looked back up at the massive, angry knight before replying.

"I... told you already... for the fifth time... she's in... Nightmaria!" The guard exhaperatedly said, but Ornstein just shook his head solemnly, and aimed his finger at the play button.

"Never heard of it. Maybe a sixth round will make you start talking sense!" Ornstein growled, but before he could hit the button, Smough turned about, almost grinding the poor, damned guard into the ground, and stopped him.

"Hold, sir Ornstein! Mayhaps this lowly guard speaks true! Maybe Nightmaria is a real place here, and the ruler of this evil, dark land resides there!" The gargantuan executioner exclaimed, and Ornstein took his finger away from the dreaded 'play' button, apparently focused on what Smough just said. Then, the guard breathed another sigh of relief, and glared at the belligerent Kight of Gwyn.

'Just as I've been saying for the past hour... idiots.' the guard thought to himself, but the two captors paid him no mind, and instead focused their combined efforts on finding out where this 'Nightmaria' was.

"Hmm... it's obviously a seat of power, if this 'Nightmare Moon' character presides there... but where can we find it?" Ornstein asked, his head puzzled and his brain irritated at the abnormally low amounts of sunshine it was receiving. (It was a little-known fact, but Ornstein's brain had become so attuned to ever-present sunshine, that when it did not receive any for prolonged periods of time, it simply stopped working.) But, before long, Smough managed to get a thought in his mind, although just just might have saved our almost-heroes:

"Wait, Ornstein... Maybe... maybe Nightmaria... is where Canterlot was!" Smough exclaimed, followed by Ornstein himself.

"What? that can't be right, why would Nightmare Whats-her-face bother setting up base in her enemy's old home?" Ornstein asked, and Smough quickly responded, sure that his hunch was as correct as they come.

"Think about it, Sunbro! Nightmare hates Celestia, right? So what better way to mock her than to take her own home for herself?" Smough reasoned, and Ornstein's brain-gears finally started to turn as realization filled him due to Smough's sudden burst of genius.

"Besides, the castle is on a cliff, on freakin' mountain. What other reason does she need to be there?" Smough finally asked, and Ornstein pondered this new information.

"... Yes, I see now... Very well then, my solar compatriot! If this is where you suspect it to be, then I will follow you to the ends of the earth! Now, let us come up with a plan, as to surprise the lowly usurper of the sun!" Ornstein decreed with hope in his voice and fire in his belly. Now, Ornstein's hopes, thanks to his level-headed half-giant friend, were at their peaks, and nothing could bring them down as he beamed and exuded valor and new-found courage. However, lying beneath Smough's armored buttocks, one of the party did NOT feel particularly happy about this breakthrough, due to the infinite amounts of unbearable pain he was being subjected to, pressured beneath the executioner's hefty hindquarters. And lo, unable to bear it any longer, the poor guard did cry out his anguish, to the bewilderment of the knight and the executioner:

"Yeah, it's good to see you two have finally got your plans all figured out and all, but could you kindly GET THE HECK OFF ME!?" The guard yelled, struggling briefly, when the the two armored figures leered at him in absolute anger and wrath, and the guard immediately regretted his course of action, almost seeming to actually diminish is size as he shied away from the two gilded monstrosities. Then, after a thorough glaring, Ornstein jumped up from his rocky seat, and pointed a righteous finger at the now-doomed guard, causing him to flinch, and proceeded to calmly ask the guard on his thoughts:

"Did you just raise your voice at us!?" Ornstein calmly asked, quickly followed by a brief lecture from Smough:

"Yeah, bitch! Respect!" Smough snapped, making a 'W' with his right hand. Cowed, the guard grew silent, lowering his eyes to the ground.

"N-no..." The guard answered, but he was soon interrupted by a belligerent Ornstein and Smough before he could even finish.

"Stop talking shit!" Roared the Knight, and the Executioner beside him raised his fists, and followed up with a verbal lashing of his own:

"We're gonna beat your ass, motherfucker! Do you WANT to be suffocated between my hot, sweaty titties!?" Smough lashed, grabbing the moobs on his armor for emphasis. And, at last, the guard snapped, closing his tear-filled eyes in hopes that it would be over, and pleading forgiveness of his extremely violent captors.

"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry!" The guard briefly cried out, his will and soul now broken like so many mortals before him by the trash-talking duo of doom. But even so, the two looked as though they were going to beat the ever-loving shit out of the guard anyway, until something made Smough perk up like a rabbit on cocaine, and a small, shrill, but commanding voice yelled out at the two sunbros, causing them to freeze in their tracks.

"Stop right there, dirtbags!" The voice commanded to little avail, and the assailant, or rather, assailants, all appeared at once, surrounding the two, and filling the poor, broken guard with enough relief to keep him from hollowing right there. However, the two massive warriors seemed undaunted by this turn of events, and just stood there, dumbfounded that the ragtag group even managed to find them.

"Shit, how'd they find us so fast?" Asked Ornstein, his brain still running on vapors.

"Dammit, I knew we should've taped the fuckin' hostage's mouth shut." Smough groaned, raising his hammer over his shoulder as he stood up, releasing the ecstatic prisoner from his rather uncomfortable 'prison'. At that, Ornstein, too, brandished his own weapon, and they stood to meet the challengers that dared to show themselves to the dynamic duo.

"Well, Smough, old pal, it looks like we're drastically outskilled and outnumbered. Eight on two, not including the meat shield you stopped sitting on, and none of 'em look particularly scrub-ish..." Ornstein sighed, his spear flaring with a sudden surge of holy lightning, and Smough looked back at him, a mischievous twinkle in his unseen eyes.

"Just like old times, huh Beanpole?" Smough laughed, and Ornstein nodded once, his knightly disposition finally kicking in.

"As long as none of them use sun spear or magic arrow, I can handle it." Ornstein finally noted, and the group of thestrals, now confident in their chances, converged a bit, before one of them spoke out, the leader by the look of her.

"Alright, bozos. For some reason, our orders are to take you back to Queen Nightmare Moon alive. But if either of you freaks try anything, the only thing she'll be getting are your individual heads. Got it?" The little leader yelled, but Smough just chuckled his signature creepy laugh while Ornstein made a talking motion with his hand, confusing the other guards, but surprising Malentia, and ultimately drawing her ire.

"Are... are you two mocking me?" Malentia angrily questioned, and Smough's laugh deepened while Ornstein stopped gesturing, and made an attempt to answer her question:

"Who, Me? Naw, I'd never mock sumthin' as little and adorable as you!" Ornstein lied, and every guard in the immediate area turned their gaze to Malentia, who then proceeded to blush furiously whilst wearing an expression of sheer surprise and rage upon her bite-sized face.

"Eh... I... I'll show you freaks 'adorable'! GET THEM!!!" Malentia cried, blushing madly and her vision obscured with red. Still, as Smough and Ornstein laughed at the diminutive thestral, the small contingent still leaped forward with power and zeal, each one hoping to get at least one hit in on the Knight and the Executioner, and all of them closing in fast on the two giants, victory assured this night...

Until Smough brought his hammer down, turning half the guards present into red, furry paste in a fraction of a second. At that moment, the other half of the contingent wisely stopped mid-charge, and leaped away from the two as the Knight swung his spear to the side in a deadly arc, missing many thestrals by mere inches, and nicking one, who then fainted on the spot. As for the others, they all just backed up as the Knight laughed, calling them all out as he did.

"Ha! You're right, THIS is adorable! I bet you midnight freaks are wishing you never stepped through this fog wall, huh?" Ornstein called, and before any of the guards could ask what he meant by that, Ornstein swung his spear again, forcing the guards back even further, coupled by Smough's slow, but steady advancement on their position.

"Heh heh... Hey, Ornstein? When this is over, can you leave the leader alive? I got something fun planned for her, huh huh, yeah!" Smough laughed, and Ornstein paused his assault to look at him, the Knight's gaze one of confusion and unease at his partner's words.

"... What?" Ornstein asked, and Smough shook his head, and spoke again, his tone accusing and hurt.

"What? I just wanted to interrogate her is all! Why do you have to put innuendo on everything?" Smough asked, glaring at his leonine friend.

"Why'd you have to end that creepy sentence with 'huh huh, yeah'?" Ornstein retorted, and Smough looked at him a while, and turned back around, seeing no point in further argument. Thanks to Ornstein, the readers now viewed poor Smough as a raging pedophile. Way to go, Ornstein. Nonetheless, the proud knight of Gwyn still held the thestral forces at bay, his spear crackling with sparks of divine light, and his quick slashes promising death for whoever got too close. And so, none of the cowed guards tried for the enraged knight, and many even seemed ready to flee, if Malentia hadn't been there to stop them.

"What are you fillies doing!? Get in there and fight them!" Malentia shouted, but the puny guards that accompanied her were far too afraid for their lives to even hear the orders given past their own echoing heartbeats, and as she screamed at them to attack, Ornstein roared louder, his commanding aura overpowering Malentia's, and the guards that once sought only to obey Nightmare Moon, now fled for their lives from the forest, away from the Knight and the Executioner as fast as their wings and hooves could carry them. And then, at last, only little Malentia was left, after such a short, humiliating fight between her eight, best-trained guards in the whole entire army of Nightmare Moon, and two obnoxious golden giants. Needless to say; she was not happy. But it was not her who delivered the next taunt, but the giants, and they did not lay it down nicely.

"Well, look at that, Smough. Only one left. Think this one will run away too?" Ornstein asked, looming over the lone, slightly quivering thestral with as much of a leer as he could muster. And at that, Smough did reply, as was his role.

"She will if she's smart. But seeing as how she attacked us in the first place without thinking her own troops would bail, I'd say that intelligence isn't a factor here, Slim." Smough taunted, and though Malentia trembled slightly, she still held her ground, refusing to accept that she'd been beaten at all, let alone by two complete morons like these two.

"You... You think you can scare me? I'm the leader of the damned Elite Guard for a reason! I'm..." Malentia tried to monologue, until Ornstein quickly jabbed his spear into the ground right in front of her, sending the thestral leaping backward with a sharp yelp, and ending her little speech before it even took off.

"You're what? Strong? Skilled? Well let me tell ya somethin' princess: you ain't got SHIT on me and Smough here. Isn't that right, big guy?" Ornstein addressed his gargantuan companion, who nodded in agreement.

"You got it, Ornstein." Smough replied at last, giving his bro a complementary thumbs-up as he spoke. And then, Ornstein turned around, and spoke to the thestral once more, further asserting himself over heras much as he could.

"Now, If you value your souls, I suggest you turn around, follow your companions back to their homes, and don't EVER let me catch you in my sight again. Understand?" Ornstein asked the little bat pony, but the trembling, angry little creature before them just stood there, growling.

"You... don't scare me..." she tried to say, but Smough and Ornstein looked at each other, blinked, and did what they did best: laughed at the little pony in her face, causing her self-image to drop further and further. Still, even so, Malentia tried her best to silence the hysterical giants who dared mock her, but to little avail, if any.

"S-stop laughing! Stop right now!" Malentia cried, but, alas, they did not stop. In fact, they did the exact opposite of stopping: they laughed even harder.

"S-stop! I can't breathe!" Ornstein wheezed between fits of laughter, and Smough wiped a tear from his eye beneath his oddly-shaped helmet.

"Wah ha ha! This little scrub... she thinks she can take us!? Oh, oh, wha-what are ya gonna do? Call your mommy!? Wah ha haaaah!!!!" Smough taunted, and the little thestral, her self image and pride now completely crushed, began whimpering and trembling as the two giants laughed.

"N... no...I'm... I'm not a filly! I am Malentia, C-captain of the elite lunar guard, and I command your respect!" Malentia vainly cried, but the two finally stopped laughing, and after a moment of silence, Ornstein spoke, his voice calm, but commanding.

"Fite me then scrub lol." Ornstein demanded, and he immediately put his armored fists up, challenging the thestral guard. Malentia, however, only stared in confusion at the knight's odd challenge, her head tilted in a gesture of utmost confusion.

"... Huh?" Was all Malentia could say, before the massive executioner also put up his fists, and made a similar taunt at the thestral, unnerving her even further.

"Yeah 1v1 me bitch ill knoc ur scrub ass out." Smough said, and Malentia stared in a perfect blend of horror and confusion as the two converged on her, both uttering strange, nonsensical taunts at her all the while.

"Lol wat r u, casul?"

"get gud scrub lol."

"fite me 1v1 punk ass nigger lol."

"Ill fuk u lik i fuked ur mom rofl." Malentia couldn't understand the strange words that flew from the giants' mouths, but she could feel their malice and pressure, and she quickly backed away from the two warriors, terrified for her life as the two still approached her like zombies, arms stretched to their sides as if beckoning her to attack them. But Malentia did not attack. In fact, the moment she was sure her path was clear, Malentia turned about and broke into a run. She sprinted as fast as she could... but she didn't make it but a few feet before a mysterious force stopped her, and she looked up to see... white. There, standing in her way, was a thick, impenetrable wall of fog that simply hung there, suspended between the trees.

"W-what... what sorcery is this...!?" Malentia stammered, her voice shaky as the little thestral guard stood there, shaking in massive amounts of understandable fear. She looked around for some kind of exit or another, but as she feared, it was as if every tree in the area had converged on her location, and no escape could be seen through the impregnable wall of dead trunks and branches. Malentia then turned around again, only to see Smough and Ornstein close in on her, weapons ready, and bloodlust emanating off of their very beings.

"It's no use!" Shouted Ornstein, and Smough leaped into the air, aiming his hammer down at Malentia, and forcing her to roll to the side. But though she rolled, the hammer missed only by mere centimeters, forcing Malentia to feel the sharp gust of wind as the air was expelled from beneath Smough's massive hammer.

"L-let me go, now! I don't have time for this! If you so much as touch me, I can assure you that the whole lunar army will come raining down on your heads!" Malentia threatened, but the two did not relent in any way, and Ornstein merely responded as he thrust his spear at Malentia, forcing her to dodge again.

"That's cool, we have umbrellas." Ornstein replied, and before Malentia could speak again, Smough swung his mighty hammer to the side, causing Malentia to duck. However, in order to duck fully, Malentia had to spread her wings out from her body, as she had to lay completely flat to avoid becoming a fine pink mist. But, unfortunately, that left both wings right in the path of Ornstein's downward-pointing spear. And with a single thrust, Ornstein plunged his weapon down, and with a loud, pain-and-tear-filled scream from Malentia, her right wing was impaled, the blade cutting wing, muscle, and bone alike. In fact, it was a miracle that the knight didn't outright cut the thing off altogether.

"Bullseye!" Ornstein shouted over the pained sobs of the formerly-proud Malentia, and at last, both Smough and Ornstein converged around the trapped, crippled bat pony.

"Well, Smough, I think that's dinner for tonight, what say you?" Ornstein asked, and Malentia looked up at him, fear and pain filling her eyes and face.

"you... you're going to EAT me!?" Malentia cried, but Smough just glared at her, no jovial tone in his voice.

"Bitch, we're hungry. And you're meat. What do you think?" Smough asked, and Malentia looked about ready to break down into tears again. But despite her overwhelming fear and pain, she still loked the two warriors in the eyes, and pleaded for her life.

"Y-you can't! Please! I... I don't want to die!" Malentia pleaded, but Smough and Ornstein looked pitilessly upon the broken, fearful mare, seeing not a sentient being, but just another mass of protein and fat with which to stuff their bellies... Or so she thought.

"Sorry kid, but you should've thought of that before you stepped through that fog wall. Now hurry up and tenderize, so's I can digest you easier." Ornstein dully commanded, followed quickly by a comment from Smough:

"Get in ma belleh!" Smough exclaimed, patting his armor's giant gut for emphasis. And then, at last, Malentia, unable to handle any more of the scenario playing out before her, consisting of being stabbed, trapped with two giant weirdos, and potentially getting EATEN by said weirdos, snapped. Her eyes teared up, her whole body quivered, and she broke down sobbing right there, unable to cope with the stress Ornstein and Smough presented to her. Alas, she cried and cried, pleading that they let her go between sobs of pain and fear. But as the two stood silent, she too grew silent, her face hardened, and through the tears, Malentia glared her fiercest at the two and bared her teeth, her feelings of fear quickly being replaced with agitation and raw anger at their silence.

"Well!? Do it then! FUCKING DO IT! I dare you, you giant, sick, twisted fucks! Eat me! I SAID EAT ME, DAMN YOU, just GET IT OVER WITH!!!" Malentia screamed at last, spittle flying from her mouth as she bellowed her fury at the two silent giants, and her eyes wild with rage and hate for them as they stood. Then, as all fell silent, Malentia calmed down, accepting her fate, but it never came. Instead, what the mare heard next shocked her to no end, comparable only to their actions prior to almost killing her:

"She totally cried first. Pay up, beanpole." Smough said calmly, extending his hand toward Ornstein as if expecting something from him, but the knight refused the demand, voicing his concerns as he looked at his colossal friend.

"What!? No way, man. Check under her for urine! I know she had to pee herself first!" Ornstein exclaimed, reeling back from his friend, and the confusion of the poor thestral deepened even further. Alas, though, no answers came, only more insane arguing.

"No man, she cried first, now pony up, so to speak." Smough finally said, moving his hand closer to Ornstein, and with a disgruntled sigh, the knight reached into his pocket behind his armored skirt, and pulled out several gold and silver coins, handing them to the half-giant sunbro.

"Gwyn damn it, of all the times for the natural order to screw up..." Ornstein muttered angrily, but before the two's ranting could continue, Malentia finally racked up the courage, and voiced her concerns to the warriors of the sun lord:

"Wh... What in the name of Tartarus was THAT!?" Malentia demanded, and finally, as if they just now saw her for the first time, they acknowledged the little bat pony's presence with a calm and collected air about them, quite unusual for these two particular individuals.

"Oh, Orny and I secretly made a bet to see whether you'd cry or pee yourself first. I said you'd start crying first, and it looks like I won." Smough at last said, and Malentia stared in bewilderment at the two as they looked pitilessly at her, as if she was just some kind of toy.

"You... You made a..?... You... two... are... DEMENTED!!!" Malentia screamed, thrashing on the ground despite the spear that pinned her wing. In fact, that was the LAST thing she was worried about now. However, due to prolonged sun deprivation, Ornstein's brain had further shut down, and he quickly scratched his helmet in place of his head in a gesture of confusion and deep thought.

"Did that little pubic hair just call us 'dementors'? I most certainly am NOT a soul-sucking aberration of nature, you little accident!" Ornstein quickly snapped, but before he could crush Malentia's head with his fist, Smough stopped the confused knight, and proceeded to explain the situation.

"No, Ornstein, she called us DEMENTED, not dementors. Calm down now, we'll get your sun back soon." Smough comforted his gilded wingman, and Ornstein tiredly nodded, finally calmed from his rage. Malentia, however, was not calm. In fact, she was the exact opposite of calm, and she was not afraid to show it anymore.

"Yeah, that's great. BUT WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK!? You guys think you can just attack me, and then forget about me!? UNPIN ME THIS INSTANT, OR SO HELP ME, I'LL FUCKING RIP YOUR RESPECTIVE SCROTUMS IN HALF LIKE WET NEWSPAPER!!!" Malentia screamed as loud as she possibly could, struggling against the spear that held her down. All the while, the two chucklefucks simply held their heads, and groaned in annoyance.

"By Gwynnevere's great, milky tits, the chosen undead never complained this much!" Ornstein moaned, and Smough nodded in agreement, voicing his own complaint soon after.

"I know! That dude kept on dying over and over and just kept coming back, but this one isn't even dead yet and she's pissing me off!" Smough cried.

"Gah, what do we do with it!? I feel like my head's going to explode from the sheer amount of vitamin nagging bitch she's producing!" Ornstein cried as the diminutive thestral ranted at them, and as if unable to stand it anymore, Smough quickly grabbed the spear, ripping it out of the ground, and Ornstein ran up to the now-silent bat pony, and before she could blink, he punted her clear over the dead trees, out of sight, and thankfully out of mind.

"Goooaaal!" Smough cried, throwing his hands into the air, and Ornstein fell to his knees, thankful that that potential headache was finally gone. And so, the two sat, their challengers now destroyed by the awesome power of Ornstein's sunny D. However, though the threat at hand was destroyed, the true threat still yet loomed above them, blotting the sun they strived to protect.

"Smough... we must find Nightmare Moon and end this. I can't take this perpetual darkness anymore." Ornstein said, his will fading each moment, and Smough nodded, understanding his friend's plight.

"I understand, sir Ornstein. I will carry you, and we will smite this evil together." Smough said, and Ornstein smiled, his hope rearing again as he imagined his sun, back in the sky where it belonged, and the head of this 'Nightmare Moon' character on a pike. However, he had never seen Nightmare Moon's face before, so he just imagined Nicholas Cage's grinning head in its place. And so, Ornstein upon his back, and hope in their hearts, The legendary adventure of Ornstein and Smough continued, as they trudged through the wastes of the Everfree.

Many hours passed, and the two were making decent headway through the land, and soon found themselves at the mountain's base... the mountain, upon which, a castle sat, and within it, sat their target: Nightmare Moon.

Meanwhile, in the throne room, the very same Nightmare Moon was glaring in disappointment at a broken and downtrodden Malentia, all alone, and covered in the scars of a half-assed, but quite tolling battle. You see, after the two had punted her, she coincidentally landed in none other than Nighmaria, right in front of the castle itself. However, the treatment she got was far different than what she'd imagined: there were no medals, no commemorations, just a scowling queen that knew of her defeat, and was not happy about it. And now, after her brief review of the crushing defeat of her whole elite guard, Nightmare moon spoke to Malentia, her voice harsh and disconcerting.

"So, let me get this straight... two armored giants, neither of which were particularly consistent OR intelligent, managed to just up and kill half your squad, and then forced the rest to retreat?" Nightmare Moon asked, her blue, snake-like eyes glowing with an internal fire that betrayed her anger at this colossal disaster. And, given no other choice, Malentia, poor, broken Malentia, spoke:

"y-yes... ma'am..." The crestfallen guard sighed, and after shuffling her hooves, she continued her report, hoping her queen would spare her if she only knew what had happened.

"You... you see, Mistress... they were just so strong... and I tried to stay and fight, but... but they just pinned me to the earth, and just... toyed with me! There was nothing I could do... I'm so sorry..." Malentia pleaded, but Nightmare moon, like the heartless bitch she was, cut her off, and voiced her own concerns.

"I care not for your little agonies, Malentia. I sent you to bring me the source of all that power back alive. Yet even with close to an army at your disposal, you have failed me. This simply cannot do, Malentia." Nightmare scolded, and Malentia lowered her head, the sense of disappointment and oppression filling the room and weighing heavily upon her.

"I... I understand, Mistress..." Malentia sighed, her feeling of dread growing with each passing moment, with nothing to be done about it, and no one to save her now. That is, until...

" I don't think you do, Malentia. But perhaps you will truly understand my disappointment in you after a few years in the... wait... what's that noise?" Nightmare Moon trailed off, suddenly perking up at the unquestionable sound of music that rapidly grew louder as time passed.

"What..? I-I don't hear any..." Malentia whimpered, but she was quickly cut off by the main door to the throne room exploding outward, and several guards flying into the back wall with a delightful combination of 'aaaugh!'s, 'oof!'s, and 'splat's.

"Huzzah!" Cried a deep, familar voice from behind the exploded door, and a colossal, fat, armored giant jumped into the room, landing on a guard that tried to crawl away from the entrance. And then, as if on que, an tall, gold-armored knight stepped into the room, holding a golden, rectangular device that was undoubtedly the source of the semi-jovial music. Nightmare Moon, stunned by this rather sudden development, could only stare at the unusual pair of warriors, and could only guess at their intent.

"Who... are you two?" Nighmare asked, her usual malice replaced by absolute and total confusion. And thus, the giant executioner responded, swiping his oddly-shaped hammer in front of him.

"Prepare for trouble!" Smough announced to the staring Queen, quickly followed up by the knight, who seemed to have teleported onto the inconspicuous balcony overlooking the room for some reason, and made his speech as he jumped off.

"And make it double... ah, dammit." Ornstein said casually as he crashed into the ground, his feet breaking two large holes in the floor, as if this happened on a regular basis. But despite this, the two continued on, uncaring of the stares Nighmare Moon and Malentia were giving them.

"To protect the princess from unwanted invasion!" exclaimed Ornstein.

"To slay all dragons within our nation!" quoted Smough.

"To stop all who come at us, and make them eat shit!"

"To never show mercy, not even for a bit!"

"Ornstein!"

"Smough!"

"Team douchebag, recking u at teh speed of light!"

"Homeward bone now, or prepare to fight!" The two finally ended their entry speech, but though the two now stood there, assured of their victory, Nightmare Moon, Malentia, and every guard they didn't kill now stared at them, expressions of 'WTF!?' plastered upon their faces. but after a moment, Nightmare Moon shook her head, and glared at the two who dared intrude upon her throne.

"So, I guess you two were responsible for laying waste to my elite guard, I take it?" Nightmare Moon asked, unsure of how to respond to this situation.

"Yep. We totally destroyed your guards, bitch." Ornstein blurted, his sense of pride swelling as he revisited the horrific slaughter and retreat of the queen's guards naught but an hour or so ago.

"Yes, and now we're here to destroy you!" Smough declared, and the two giants took a single step forward, and Malentia practically jumped away from the two, terrified out of her mind. But Nightmare Moon, on the other hand, saw no reason to be afraid. In fact, much to the giant warriors' confusion, she started... laughing!

"Heh... heh heh... Ha HA HA HA HAAA! This is brilliant! You two are the ones responsible for all this carnage?! Pray tell, how did you even get in here?" The queen of the eternal night asked mockingly, and the two warriors merely looked at each other, then at Nightmare Moon before replying.

"We walked." Ornstein answered flatly, and Smough simply nodded, unable to think of a better answer himself.

"Yep. Then we smashed all the guards. And your door. And all the furniture and pottery. and then we tilted every painting and picture in the halls on our way here." Smough finally replied, just as Ornstein swung his spear into another vase, obliterating it.

"I see. So, you two are what my most elite guard, Malentia, is deathly afraid of?" Nightmare Moon asked, raising an eyebrow at the two.

"Yep." both giants claimed at the same time. And so, with nothing more in the way of dialogue, Nightmare Moon began her dreaded monologue, just like every other villain ever.

"Well, even if that's the case, I must still thank you, for you have single-handedly delivered yourselves to me, and can now be disposed of with ease! So again, I thank you for coming, but must apologize for the end of your little journey. Goodbye, Ornstein and Smough." Nightmare moon ended her speech at last and then looked at the two, magic ready, only to find that they'd fallen asleep. So, with a solid glare and an involuntary twitch in her eye, Nightmare moon coughed once, getting the two's attention.

"Zz-uh? Wha? Oh, it's just you. Hey, Smough, wake up! She finished her speech." Ornstein called out to his giant friend, and the obese executioner awoke with a start, looking around in bewilderment.

"Huh, what? It's over? Oh, thank Gwyn, I thought it'd never stop." Smough complained, and soon, both warriors brandished their weapons, and glared back at the oppressive queen of eternal night.

"You two are truly the oddest heroes I've ever met..." Nightmare noted flatly, but Ornstein quickly pointed at Nightmare Moon, and objected to her note.

"Objection! We ain't heroes, toots." Ornstein said grimly, and Smough stepped up afterwards, finishing his friend's sentence.

"We are fuck-mothering undead, bitch." Smough growled, and the two raised their weapons, finally ready to combat Nightmare Moon in her own Citadel. Nightmare, however, was having none of it.

"You two... you two honestly think you have a chance against ME!? I defeated Celestia, and her champions! I blotted the sun from the sky myself! I defeated every hero to ever invade these halls myself, with my own power! You think you can beat me? Do you truly think you two stand a chance!?" Nightmare Moon ranted, but Ornstein and Smough simply glared back at her, and answered curtly:

"We don't think, bitch. We DO." Ornstein declared, and the two, finally tired of exchanging words with the moon tyrant, shot forward, to instead exchange blows with her.

However, as they moved forward, Nightmare Moon simply raised a single hoof, and both warriors stopped dead in their tracks as a shield of magic surrounded the moon queen, and she simply laughed as they continued to smash their weapons against her shield furiously, and it wasn't long before they simply got tired and gave up.

"Gwyn damn it! how do we break that thing?" Smough asked. But thankfully, Ornstein's last bout of leader-like genius shone through, and he answered.

"Wait, she's using dark magic... so naturally, I just have to counter it. Watch." Ornstein said, and he then calmly walked up to the queen, who then laughed at his presence, taunting him from behind a magic shield.

"Well well, sir Ornstein! Finally given up? Feeling like kneeling now?" Nightmare Moon taunted, but Ornstein merely glared at her, electrocuted his spear, and prodded the bubble with his weapon, resulting in a loud popping noise as the shield was destroyed. And thus, seeing her only defense from the two countered, Nightmare looked in surprise at the knight, who saw fit for one last insult before he killed her.

"Git gud, scrub." Ornstein said, and he jabbed his still electrified spear forward, impaling the lunar tyrant by her neck, and watched as she convulsed and writhed as thousands of volts of electricity coursed through her body, and one generic flash of light later, she was gone. Breathing heavily, Ornstein looked around, and finding no sign of the tyrant anywhere, he sighed, and spoke once more:

"Well, that was fucking anticlimactic. What the fuck was she, an illusion? I've gotten better fights from those hellkite drakes, and those bastards' heads decorate my wall." Ornstein complained, but Smough then walked up, and put a hand on his shoulder, comforting his disappointed comrade.

"Eh, don't get down. She wasn't a very good villain to begin with: She almost lost to the 'power of friendship' for Gwyn's sake." Smough said, and Ornstein sighed once, mourning the lameness of that particular fight.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Let's get out of he-HOLY FUCK!!!" Ornstein exclaimed, looking down at his feet, and Smough followed suit, his reaction pretty much the same:

" By Gwyndolin's faggotry! What the hell is that!?" Smough cried, for at the warriors' feet, lay a little blue alicorn mare, similar to nightmare moon, but a brighter shade of blue, and way smaller.

"Gwyn's beard... is... is that Luna!?" Ornstein asked, and Smough quickly looked up, a realization forming in his mind.

"Christ, man... this is like Manus! Nightmare Moon Must've ate Luna, and when we killed her, Luna came back out!" Smough exclaimed, and the two were left pondering as little Luna slept, unaware of the two yelling giants above her. But before the two could decide what to do with her, the windows began to brighten, and both warriors looked outside, and what they saw made them almost jump for joy, especially Ornstein.

"By Gwyn... could... could it be..?" Smough asked, and Ornstein only stared, dumbfounded at the sight being played out before him: upon the horizon, rising for the first time in over a thousand years, was none other than the sun, in all of it's bright, golden, eye-burning glory.

"Finally... The sun has returned to this lightless hellhole! Praise Gwyn!" Ornstein shouted, and the two sunbros then proceeded to raise their arms into the air, forming a Y shape with their bodies, and they stood there, confusing everybody in the room, except Luna, who was still knocked the fuck out. Suddenly, a bright light filled the room, and as the two turned back around, there, in the center of the room, floated a bright, iridescent ball of warm, golden light, which then began to shrink and shift until it became the form of a pony, and the light disappeared, leaving a tall, white, rainbow-maned alicorn in its wake, her eyes closed, and her head bowed, as if asleep standing up. Ornstein and Smough stared at this spectacle for only a moment, and then shook their heads, finally grasping the reality of the situation.

"S-Smough... did... did we just save the world?" Ornstein shakily asked, his brain hurting from the sheer amount of sudden sunlight it was receiving, as well as the surreal nature of the scene rolling out before him. And lo, Smough simply nodded as he stared forward, just as amazed as his friend was.

"Yeah... I guess we did." Smough said, and at that moment, Celestia opened her eyes, and looked all around her; at the room, at her still-K.O.ed sister, and finally, at thing one and thing two, still standing around like a couple of stoners.

"... H-hello... did... did you two free me, by any chance?" Celestia asked, but neither one of the warriors moved for a while, until, at last, Ornstein shook his head, and managed to stutter out an answer:

"Y-yeah, I... I guess we did..." Ornstein answered, his mind finally returning to reality as his mind adjusted from a world of darkness, back to one of light.

"Well... I suppose I must thank you, then. You two brave souls have gone forward and defeated Nightmare Moon, and in the process freed both me and my sister. Brave knights, I humbly thank you, from the bottom of my heart. But... by any chance... may I ask your names?" Celestia asked, looking inquisitively at the two massive warriors, and after a moment, Ornstein finally answered:

"M'lady, I am sir Ornstein, of Anor Londo, and this is my best friend, Smough." Ornstein explained, and Smough raised his hand, and commented:

"I'm actually an executioner." Smough said, and Celestia looked at the two, and smiled.

"Well, I owe you many thanks, Knight Ornstein and Executioner Smough. Now, thanks to you two, light has returned to the world, and the evil Nightmare Moon has been vanquished!" Celestia thanked the two, who responded in kind:

"Meh, it wasn't that hard. She was a pretty crappy villain." Said Ornstein.

"Yeah, she was a total scrub. But no matter, you're still welcome." Smough said, and with that, Celestia spoke again,beginning the discussion of their reward.

"Well, it will take some time, but I will return Equestria to its former glory, and restore it from the evil Nightmare Moon has done. In the meantime, if there is any reward you desire, feel free to ask for it, I am certain I can give it to you." Celestia decreed with a smile, and the sunbros, in response, looked at each other for a moment and nodded, knowing what needed to be done. Then, Ornstein looked back at Celestia, and spoke.

"Well, you see, Celestia, as it turns out... we really are not from this world." Ornstein began, and Celestia's face turned quickly into one of shock as his words sank in, and after a quick moment, she replied.

"Not from this world? What could you mean? Surely you did not fall from the sun itself... right?" Celestia asked, but Ornstein shook his head, and began to explain:

"No, Celestia. See, we are not just from this world... we suspect that we are not from this timeline!" Ornstein began, and without hindrance, he continued. "See, the flow of time itself seems to have become convoluted, with heroes centuries old, some not even of the same timeline as others, appearing and vanishing at random intervals. In fact, I do not know how long your world and ours will remain in contact. But since we haven't phased out of here in the five whole hours we've been here, I suspect that the convoluted timeframe has fucked me and my friend over and stranded us here." Ornstein finished, and Celestia gave them each a confused look before voicing her response to the... uncanny... explanation.

"So... you two are from... another time..?" Celestia tried to piece together the information she was given, but she simply couldn't wrap her head around the idea of other timelines existing, much less being visited by beings from said timeline.

"That is the only logical answer, yes. And unfortunately for you, this means one of three things: A timelord fucked up and blew up his tardis, someone divided by zero, or the age of light is coming to an end. Even worse, all evidence seems to support the latter." Smough replied, his voice grim and serious, and Celestia then proceeded to break out in a sweat, fearful of the dire prophecy these two beings had bestowed upon her.

"That's... that's horrible! What can be done to stop this?! Surely such wise and powerful beings as yourself could stop this travesty, right?" Celestia asked, afraid of the world of hers being enveloped in darkness again, and thankfully, the glorious warriors of the sun did, in fact, have a solution, and the Knight announced it as quickly as they could, to calm the princess.

"Fear not, Celestia, for there is a way! Though... it will be difficult, and we will need your help." Ornstein led on, and the princess of the sun smiled brightly, and almost jumped for joy at the thought of a way to stave off the coming age of darkness. And for that end, she was willing to do anything.

"Of course! What is it that you would require of me, sirs Ornstein and Smough?" Celestia excitedly asked, and Ornstein looked at her, his aura grim and serious, betraying the difficulties to come, and he at last spoke, giving Celestia the instructions to save the multiverse.

"Under normal circumstances, the only feasible solution to halt this threat would be to show to us your boobs. But seeing as you have none, we must ask you to teleport us back to our time, so we may fight the evil that now plagues all of existence. Can you do this?" Ornstein asked, and Celestia nodded quickly, stepping back from the two giants.

"I... I can try. But I'll have you know, I just returned from a thousand-year banishment, and my casting skills are a bit rusty..." Celestia warned, but Ornstein quickly cut her off with a wave of his hand.

"It matters little! Time is short, and the darkness now looms over all possible timelines! Make with the hocus-pocus, woman! Quickly!" Ornstein demanded hastily, snapping his fingers for emphasis, and Celestia nodded in understanding, and began the spell. With a look of mild strain upon her face, her horn began to glow, and a soft light enveloped the two warriors of Gwyn, preparing to send them off. Soon, the portal was complete, and the two felt themselves slipping away as the light engulfed them, and Celestia stood there, seeing her heroes off.

"Thank you again for all your help! I will never forget you, Sir Ornstein and Smough!" Celestia called to them, and the two both waved back, eager to return to their time. And finally, with one last, bright flash of light, the two vanished, on their way back to their own timeline... hopefully. But as the two flew through the tunnels of time, Smough spoke to Ornstein, voicing one single question he had:

"Hey, Slim?" He asked.

"Yeah, Big guy?" Ornstein answered, looking over to his hammer-wielding companion.

"Say, why did we have to do that whole speech about 'the age of darkness' and needing to fight the evil' and whatnot? Couldn't we just have used our favor to make her take us back anyway?" Smough asked, more out of curiosity than concern, but nonetheless, Ornstein answered, confidence in his voice:

"Because, Smough ol' pal, I was mostly bored and wanted to scare the ever-loving shit out of her." He replied, facing forward once more.

"Oh." Smough then retorted, not exactly surprised by Ornstein's answer. But before he could forget about it, Ornstein turned to Smough again, and began speaking:

"However, that is not the only reason." Ornstein continued, earning a confused glance from his giant friend.

"Huh?" Smough asked, and Ornstein faced forward once more, and explained.

"You see, Smough, a true knight always has to make plans, and he also has to always make backup plans. You see, Smough, this portal is really almost certain to take us back to our universe, but not entirely. So, in the off chance that this portal DID screw up and send us to another alternate universe, I wanted to be sure that the princess would actually be fooled by all that nonsense, so we have a trump card just in case worse comes to worse." Ornstein explained, and Smough stared off for a while, but soon understood the knight's ways.

"Ohhhh, I get it! So, like, if we DON'T end up saving the world when this portal fails, and the one in charge owes us nothing, we can just use that to get whatever we want?" Smough noted excitedly, and Ornstein snapped his fingers, and nodded at the executioner.

"Excactly!" Ornstein replied, and Smough looked forward, eager to see where this portal took them. And after a while had passed, the two finally felt something stop, and a bright, white light enveloped them, and the two felt themselves finally slip back into reality...

Though which reality they slipped into, was uncertain.

To be continued...

Author's Note

The song on Ornstein's I-pod (which he calls his 'I-sun') was supposed to be Justin Beiber's 'Baby', but I didn't have the patience or the want to actually look that song up. Plus, like hell he'd have that on his I-sun, even if it was for torture purposes.

As usual, feedback is appreciated, and if this chapter sucked in any way, feel free to take it up with H.R.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

Episode 2: Ornstein and Smough (Might) Accidentally the Abyss

Episode 2:Ornstein and Smough Accidentally the Abyss

Ornstein and Smough Groaned as they regained their bearings, after just recovering from being teleported to Gwyn-knows-where. The dynamic duo looked around in confusion at their odd surroundings as they finally recovered their senses, the air feeling familiar but... distorted. They looked about for an answer to where they where at present time, but alas, not a landmark to be seen was around them, and their terrain was quite green, and flat... ish. All around them, the sun shone brightly, and rolling hills caressed the landscape... but there was no city to be seen, not even a village. Ornstein and Smough looked around, but, to their dismay, could find nothing. But still, the two pondered, and at last, eager to break the silence, Smough spoke.

"Hey, Ornstein... you think it worked? Are we... back in our Equestria?" Smough asked, doubt filling his heart, and Ornstein looked around, hesitating before at last replying, his tone dark and serious, but hopeful.

"It has to be, Smough; my gut tells me it is so, and my Celestia-senses are tingling. That means that either we did something wrong that she knows about, or Celestia is nearby." Ornstein said surely, but as the two looked around, the Smough scratched his helmeted head, and turned to his vigilant sun-bro, questions churning in his head.

"... Are you sure, Ornstein? Maybe, just this once, your Celestia-senses are..." Smough slowly proposed, but he was quickly cut off by Ornstein, who interrupted him with a vengeance.

"Smough, I swear to Gwyn, if you say 'my Celestia-senses are wrong', I will disown you!" Ornstein threatened, and Smough quickly fell silent, and lowered his head.

"I... I'm sorry, my master. I had overstepped my boundaries." Smough replied with much apology in his voice. And with that, Ornstein turned about to continue his search, before answering his friend.

"You are forgiven, minion. Do not anger me again." Ornstein joked, and the two smiled at the minor joke between the two; it was obvious that, in their relationship, neither was the superior.

"Even so..." Interrupted Ornstein suddenly, causing Smough to look back at the knight in surprise. "... My senses are never wrong. This place may be alien, but Celestia is close... but where..." Ornstein muttered, when suddenly, a rustling was heard from the nearby bushes, inciting a defensive reaction by Ornstein and Smough as they turned to face their attacker. Unfortunately... the 'attacker' they faced was... disappointing. And so, stunned, Ornstein finally spoke first, finally not knowing what the hell he was seeing, for the first time since they first arrived in their Equestria.

"Smough... my words have gone and jumped off that cliff o'er yonder. Could you, ehm, explain to me what that is?" Ornstein said, pointing at the small, white unicorn filly that peered at them from the bushes, her eyes wide with a mixture a mild fear and wonder. Smough, however, simply sat there, just as dumbfounded as his friend.

"I... I don't know. It's a filly, but... it's an alicorn." Smough analyzed, and Ornstein immediately snapped his leonine head toward the little filly, causing her to gasp and slightly retreat into the bushes. However, Ornstein simply sat there, and when he made no further moves, the small alicorn exited the bushes again, and stared at the two, eyes wide with curiosity. Finally, Ornstein spoke, breaking the silence once more.

"An... alicorn..? Like... Celestia?" Ornstein asked and Smough nodded quickly, turning toward his solar compatriot.

"Yeah... but, that's just it... alicorns are almost nonexistent in our Equestria... so... that means..." Smough trailed off, and Ornstein, catching his friend's drift, lowered and shook his head, understanding at long last the dire situation that the two now had landed in.

"I see... so the spell failed... we are still not in our Equestria." Ornstein somberly groaned, saddened at the outcome, but not surprised.

"Indeed. So... shall we find this world's Celestia and force her into sending us back to our own Equestria?" Smough said hopefully, but Ornstein still moped, saddened by something, and he soon pointed at the white filly, making the cause of his sadness clear.

"That is impossible, Smough. For Celestia is... right there." Ornstein stated, and Smough looked at the small alicorn filly in shock and surprise, and stood silent, confused at his partner's odd accusation.

"S-she..!? But... she is but a filly! How can that be her!?" Smough asked, but Ornstein merely shook his head sadly, and gripped his pal's shoulder, explaining their situation as it stood.

"Smough, I really, really hate to say it, but... we're fucked." Ornstein bluntly stated, and quickly, the two turned as they heard the sound of tiny hooves approaching them, and they quickly looked down to see the small filly timidly approaching them, and though it seemed quite terrified of the twin warriors of sunshine, she finally spoke, her small voice shaking with fear of the two as they stared down at her.

"U-um... e-excuse me, misters... but... h-how do you know my name?" the young Celestia asked, shaking like a leaf, and the two warriors looked at each other worriedly, and finally used their mental link, and discussed their situation.

"Ornstein, this Celestia is too young to know how to throw us across time! what do we do? What do we say!?" Smough mentally asked his contemplative sunbro. And with much thoughtful posing, Dragonslayer Ornstein replied, his delayed reaction full of thought and foresight.

"Hmmm... It seems that there is no other option. In order to return to our world, we must wait for her to learn how to cast us through time." Ornstein said, and Smough recoiled mentally at the thought, and retorted with a solution of his own.

"But Ornstein-senpai, that could take years of ceaseless waiting! We would surely go hollow by then! Could we not teach this world's Celestia ourselves?" Smough asked, and Ornstein quickly turned to face his solar brother, and hastily replied.

"Baka! We agreed that I was the only one allowed to use the language of the weeaboos! Also, I think you used Senpai in the wrong context. And furthermore, we know nothing of either time travel or magic! How are we to teach this child of an art we know nothing about?" Ornstein snapped at his colossal companion, who then replied again, thoughtfully as ever.

"It cannot be that hard, Sir Ornstein! After all, 99% of magic is focusing as intensely on an outcome as possible, the rest is actual intelligence." Smough mentally noted, and Ornstein rubbed the chin on his helmet in thought, contemplating the advice of his giant friend, and after a moment of hesitation, he replied.

"Ahhhh... Oh, very well. But if this fails, I'm going to kill you." quoth ser Ornstein vengefully.

"Believe in me, O captain of the four knights, it will succeed, for my faith in thee is strong!" Smough at last said, and Ornstein raised his head in pride at the praise. But before either of them could say anything more, the young white alicorn spoke again, interrupting their conversation.

"Hey, are you two listening to me? Why are you just standing there?" Past-Celestia asked, and suddenly snapped back to reality, the two then stared at the tiny filly, both shaking and sweating as they thought their hardest to come up with an answer for the small future world ruler. Thankfully, though, Ornstein's mind was so sly and so slick, he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick:

"Young Celestia," the gold dragonslayer began, "I am Dragonslayer Ornstein, and this is my best friend Smough. We know your name because... we are from the future!" Ornstein half-truthed, striking a dramatic pose for effect, but he failed to account the young alicorn's age and knowledge this time, and the young Celestia simply tilted her head in confusion, and spoke at last.

"The... future..? What's that?" young Celestia asked, and Smough chuckled as Ornstein's pose faltered, and his mood quickly dropped. So, deciding to take over the situation for his bro, Smough spoke to the young Celestia himself.

"What my friend means to say, little one, is that we aren't from here." Smough explained, and Celestia's face lit up with realization.

"Oh. So... where ARE you from, then?" Celestia asked, and Smough thought on how to answer her, and after a while of thought, he perked up, and answered her as simply as he could.

"From another place, little one, a place you aren't ready to hear about yet." Smough said, rubbing the young Celestia's head gently and causing the filly to giggle at the playful gesture.

"So... you two are from another place..? Then what are you doing here?" Celestia asked, and this time, Ornstein stepped back into the conversation, and explained the complex situation in his own special way.

"We came here to save the fuckin' world, bitch!" Ornstein blurted out, and Smough turned to his solar comanion, scolding him.

"Ornstein!!! There is a child here! Watch your mouth!" Smough chided, but Ornstein merely groaned in annoyance,and waved his hand at Smough in a gesture of dismissal.

"Oh please, it's just a word, Smough, it's not like it means anything to the kid." Ornstein retorted, and Celestia giggled again, drawing the attention of the leonine knight and the deceptively obese executioner.

"Hee hee! Bitch bitch bitch, what a funny word!" Celestia sang, causing Ornstein to chuckle, and Smough to facepalm.

"Wonderful..." Smough groaned through his armored palm, and Ornstein merely elbowed his hammer-wielding friend, urging him to stop being such a stick in the mud.

"Ah, come on, Smough! It's just a word! Besides, Celestia doesn't look offended in the slightest!" Ornstein noted, pointing at the prancing alicorn filly, still chanting the word 'bitch' to her little heart's content. Still, Smough growled irritably at his rather child-minded friend, but ultimately dropped the subject, seeing as, even though children were present, Ornstein's ever-present frat boy aura continued to pervade the very air around the two, affecting all touched by it, just as poor young Celestia here was. And so, with no way to stop his friend's shenanigans, Smough simply sighed in defeat, and could only watch as Ornstein crouched down to the little white filly, and proceeded to continue in the endeavor of corrupting her young, squishy mind.

"Hey, little 'Tia, you wanna help me an' Smough save the world here?" Ornstein suddenly asked the prancing filly, who then stopped prancing and chanting right there, to turn her head and look at the esteemed knight of Gwyn with wide, sparkling eyes, full of wonder and the want to help save the world, as Ornstein promised.

"Save... the world? Like an adventure!?" The young, gullible Celestia asked, her voice full of awe and anticipation. And in response, Ornstein replied to young Celestia with an answer she almost fainted on the spot from hearing.

"That's right! Like we said, Me an' Smough here are from the future, and we're here to teach you and your sister how to rule the whole fuckin' world, to prevent the Abyss from coming and wrecking everything! What say you, kid? You wanna learn how rule the world?" Ornstein asked the ecstatic and over-energized little princess. But before any more could be said, Smough finally dared to question his bro's decisions, and hastily pulled the gilded knight of sunlight away from the bouncing filly, to both of their confusion, and questioned his sibling of sunshine up front, demanding an answer for his sudden and erratic behavior.

"Ornstein, what are you doing? She's just a kid, we already established that she can't help us! Why are you acting like you ate more of those poison joke berries?!" Smough asked, and it is to be noted that poison joke in fact has no adverse effect on the two, except for the dulling of their common sense, and a burst of adrenaline equivalent to over 400 standard cups of coffee, followed by an expected and sudden energy crash. However, Ornstein merely shook his head, grabbed his friend by his shoulders, and began to whisper excitedly to his friend of his plan, and the reason for the sudden, not-at-all caffeine or hollowing-related behavior.

"No, bro, listen! You know that we're in a time when Celestia and Luna are still babies, right?" Ornstein asked finally, piquing Smough's attention ever so slightly, but just enough to cause him pause, and to urge his friend to get to his point.

"Yeah... go on..." Smough finally muttered, his attention caught, if only by a small amount. And with that, Ornstein released his friend's shoulders, and continued to explain his vicious, deceptive, ultimately, bro-tastically dickish plot to his number-one most trusted sunbro in all existence.

"Well, you know how Celestia hates us in the future, right?" Ornstein continued, followed by another bout of interest from Smough, and another quiet reply.

"Yeah..?" Smough asked again, his curiosity and understanding growing exponentially as an idea of the plan's direction was taking form in his head, and with that, Ornstein shifted into full throttle of his explanation, and dropped his plan on Smough with great haste and excitement.

"Well, this is our chance to fix that! Think about it Smough, and think hard! There's a reason stuff happens, right? Last time, it was to save the world. This time, though, our only clue is Baby 'Tia over here, and her little, malleable brain! So, I got to thinking... Maybe... maybe this is OUR timeline, but IN THE PAST, and we have been given the rare and precious chance to mold the world in OUR image!" Ornstein explained, great excitement in his voice as he explained his pernicious plot to his solar comrade, and under normal circumstances, Smough would have been terrified of such a plan. But indeed, the rare opportunity was presented to them, and a world ruled secretly by Ornstein and Smough DID seem appealing to the gargantuan executioner. So, after some hefty thought on the heavy subject of playing god for once, Smough replied in a whisper, accepting the job now laid before the two.

"Okay, I'm in. But we end up somehow ruining all of space and time, I'm telling God on you." Smough finally replied, and Ornstein offered a brofist in response, which Smough gladly took, as a seal to their new-found agreement, which may or may not end in total, irreversible disaster, like actually bringing about the abyss or something like that.

"Fuck yeah! This is gonna be the shit!" Ornstein finally exclaimed, pumping his fist in a gesture of his palpable anticipation, and he finally turned to Celestia the kid, who looked back at him with excited eyes, awaiting his reply. And finally, after collecting himself, Orstein kneeled down, looking the young princess-to-be in the eyes, cleared his throat, and, at last, spoke, asking the little alicorn the question she had been waiting to hear.

"So, little princess... are you ready to learn... how to rule the world?" Ornstein asked the little Celestia, and without a moment of hesitation, the little alicorn leaped into the air, and screamed her reply to the heavens:

"Fuck yeah!" The little filly practically screamed, and Ornstein then got up, and without further delay, the knight patted the filly on the head, ever so proud of her loud response, and he spoke once more, finalizing their contract, and beginning the quest on that spot.

"Very well then, my student! From this day foreward, you will be my pupil in world-ruling and butt-kicking, and together we shall smite the dark, wherever it may rise! Huzzah!" Ornstein cried, and Celestia jumped into the air as well, crying a little battle-cry of her own:

"Yeah! Huzzah!" Tiny Celestia cried as well, and despite Smough's sinking feelings that this was going to end in disaster, the three began to set off to find Luna, eager to begin their quest with the whole party present.

"Now, my young student in the way of Sunlight, let us go forth to find your sister!" Ornstein bellowed, and Celestia laughed as their quest began, and began to trot off ahead, leading the way as the search for the final (they thought) party member began.

"This way! Luna was napping this way when I found you two! Come on!" Celestia announced, and with haste, the three set off, their fake quest, officially, begun.

However...

As Smough and Ornstein left the clearing, the two sunbros failed to account a presence nearby, in the foliage beyond the trees through which they could not see... or, rather, TWO presences, each watching Ornstein and Smough attentively as they left, and soon, after the two warriors of the sun had left the clearing behind, so too did the watchers, trailing behind them, though as to their motives...

That had yet to be seen.

To Be Continued

Author's Note

The premise is clear: Ornstein and Smough are now about to play god, and mold an entire world, nay, an entire UNIVERSE to their respective images, causing untold horror for any with the misfortune to be born in it! But what of the watchers!?

Who are they!?

What do they want?

Well, that's for the next chapter, not this one. Sorry!

Episode 3: Smough and Ornstein continue to be awful people.

Ornstein and his friend, Smough, crashed happily through the woods with their new friends in tow, skipping through the forest and smashing any creatures that dared attack them, slowly corrupting the young princess's minds with their bro-tastic influence. However, even as they and the royal sisters frolicked among the entrails of manticores and hydras on their way to the site of the world's soon-to-be capital, another force was waiting, watching the two massive chucklefucks from the darkness, their intentions unknown, but their focus on Smough and Ornstein to great too be ignored. Suddenly, when the two gilded warriors of sunlight and Space jam finally passed them by, one of the watchers finally rose from their hiding spot: A knight, by his look, as tall as Ornstein, but clad in the darkest, edgiest coloration of armor ever seen by man or mer, with a great, dark-blue plume flowing from the back of his helmet, his magnificent, also-blue cloak blowing in the forest breeze, and his very being seeming to emit enough edge to cut the whole forest down in one tip of his nonexistent fedora, if he willed it to be so. Drawing his greatsword, the massive knight rose from behind the brush he'd concealed himself with, and at last, revealed himself to the waiting fangirls that watched from behind their computer screens: This knight, was none other than... Knight Artorias, Walker of the Abyss, and edgiest of the four knights of Gwyn! And, by his side, Artorias's faithful companion, Sif!

Together, the two watched their counterparts, Douchestein and Brough, crash through the forest loudly and obnoxiously, well on their way to the future site of Canterlot, where the two young princesses would surely rise to power. However, these two figures had a mission... a mission, to stop that from happening, and to retrieve the princesses of the sun and moon before they ended up as copies of these versions of Ornstein and Smough, something that their employer expressed greatly that such a thing was to never occur. Finally, as Artorias stepped out from behind the shrubbery at last, Sif cautiously followed him, and after looking around, to the swooning of fangirls everywhere, Artorias spoke to Sif, urging that they continue their quest, post-haste.

"Alright, they didn't see us. Come on, Sif, we have to catch them before they get to the mountains! This way." Artorias ordered, pointing ahead and making to follow the knight and the executioner, but before a single step of his could grace the waiting ground beneath him, Sif stopped the dark, Abyss-hating knight, and spoke in turn to him, shocking everyone now reading this who has never watched Scooby-Doo.

"Wait, Arty, just refresh my memory; Why are we out here, following fatty and beanpole, again? I thought we were looking for the baby princesses, or something." Sif asked, her (yes, it's a 'her') voice full of confusion.

"I thought I made it clear that the two HAD the princesses!" Artorias spoke, clear agitation in his voice as is quarry surely bounded away.

"yeah, but do we really have to KILL those two for them? I mean, they don't seem THAT bad..." Sif asked, as in the distance, Smough golf-clubbed a poor deer into the next country over.

"Yes, Sif. Look, I don't like it any more than you do, but if we don't do this, the whole multiverse will end, and not just the Equestria ones! We're talking about a TOTAL SUTDOWN here!" Artorias explained, to Sif's Chagrin.

"Yeah, yeah, the Abyss will consume the worlds, and they're going to spearhead it starting now, starting with those two. I know what she said, I just have a bad feeling about it all. I mean, do those two REALLY look like they have the mental fortitude to do ANYTHING on a scale that doesn't affect them directly?" Sif replied, eyeing Ornstein and Smough warily, as they and their pupils bounded happily through the dark, spooky woods.

"Mrrr... You're right on that, they do look pretty far up their own asses... But we have a job to do. Do you REALLY want to go crawling back to her empty-handed, your only excuse being that you 'felt sorry for them'?" Artorias asked, and Sif lowered her head in thought, heavily weighing the price of failure with the lives of those two armored klutz's. And soon, she found her answer, and she looked back to Artorias, newfound determination in her eyes.

"Okay, let's get them." she sighed, and with that, the dark pair darted back into the shadows, trailing their prey with renewed vigor. They caught up soon enough, lagging only mere feet between our 'heroes', without either their knowledge or consent. But before a move of aggression could be made, the two sunlit warriors exited the last of the thick trees, and entered a sunlit plains, with clear sight of the mountain that was their destination.

"Ah, there it is! Just as tall and foreboding as I remember it!" Smough said, his hands upon his sides in a pose of satisfaction.

"Indeed, my thicc friend! Now let us make haste, we've not a day to lose!" Ornstein exclaimed, pointing to the destined point of their journey, and the four quickly picked up their pace, renewed excitement coursing through them like electricity.

"Mr. Ornstein, are we going to live on that mountain?" Filly-Celestia asked, her eyes wide and full of wonder.

"Hell yeah, little dude! You're gonna build an awesome castle up there, rule over some peasants, and eat cake FOREVER!" Ornstein exclaimed, causing Celestia's eyes to inflate further, before being interjected by Smough.

"No, as a growing girl, she needs a balanced diet. There will be NO cake until all veggies are eaten." Smough declared matter-of factly, causing Celestia and Ornstein to slouch in disappointment.

"Aww, you're no fun, Mr. Smough." Celestia said, eyes, to the ground.

"Mr. Ornstein, what's a 'peasant'? Luna then asked in turn, her head tilted in confusion. Ornstein was quick to answer, as he had the most experience on the subject.

"Well, my little blue ball of fluff and wonder, a peasant is a person, or pony, that you have to lord over, so they don't live in huts and teepees like savages. See also; subjects." Ornstein explained, and Celestia was quick to become involved in their little lesson:

"Oh, like those ponies over there?" Celestia asked, pointing to a pillar of smoke in the distance, surrounded by a group of Teepees. Primitive-looking Ponies wandered the small camp, most happily going about their soon-to-be-disrupted personal lives.

"Yes, Celestia, exactly like that." Ornstein said, a sinister tone in his voice as he and Smough grinned beneath their helmets.

"Oh! So, do we rule them now?" Luna asked excitedly, and Smough petted her soft, innocent head, and replied, his voice soft and scholarly.

"Not yet, little moon. First, you must complete the first step in being a queen; You must first crush your enemies! See them quiver before you, and hear the lamentation of their women!! Smough lectured, and Celestia and Luna nodded as they soaked in the wonderful knowledge Smough bestowed upon them.

"But Mr. Smough, we're only five! We can't crush anyone yet! Besides, Mommy said that crushing people is bad, before she and daddy disappeared.

"Disappeared?" Ornstein asked, confused.

"Mommy and daddy?" Smough asked in turn, having at first believed that the two simply spawned into existence from starstuff or something.

"Yeah, mommy and daddy said they were going to do something, and they left and never came back! and then you two showed up!" Celestia said, causing Ornstein and Smough to break into a cold sweat and turn to each other, not suspiciously at all.

"Uh, Smough? Did you, uh, land on anything SOFT when we arrived?" Ornstein asked Smough, utilizing their intricate bro- link.

"Uhhhhh... Maybe..?" Smough answered, remembering his landing including a loud crash, and a very quiet 'splat'. He assumed it had just been him crapping himself from the G-force of the landing, but it seems that was unfortunately not the case. But whatever the case happened to be, it did not matter now.

"Well, I suppose it does not matter now, Smough. Thanks to us, these poor princesses-to-be are now Orphans, and we must now take responsibility for our actions." Ornstein said, followed by a curt nod from Smough.

"Indeed. It is only the right thing to do, after all." Smough replied solemnly, turning his attention to the princesses.

"Well, my sweet little princess, your parents aren't here. Besides, were THEY gonna teach you how to RULE the WORLD?" Ornstein asked excitedly, causing the fillies before them to shake their heads excitedly.

"No!" Luna and Celestia said in unison, jumping up and down in excitement.

"But how are we going to rule them, Mr. Ornstein? We're just little fillies, and they're big strong adults!" Luna noted worriedly, causing Ornstein to heighten his posture, and puff out his chest inspiringly.

"You forget, little Luna, we're BIGGER, STRONGER adults!" Ornstein replied, ignorant of the implication of the word 'adult', and how it did not apply to him or Smough.

"Yeah! Don't worry, Princesses, WE'LL fight for you! We'll be... your Royal Guard!" Smough valiantly exclaimed, puffing his chest out as well.

"Oh yeah!!" Said Ornstein.

"Oh wow!" Said the princesses-to-be.

"Oh crap." Said two hidden surveyors in the distance.

And so, filled with determination, the four made their way to their first victims, preparing to go full conquistador on their asses. And within the hour, the two had made their way to the small camp of natives, little princesses in tow, and all was silent as the awestruck, fearful primitives looked to the approaching, gilded giants, each carrying a filly in one arm and a big, deadly weapon in the other. Not even a murmer from anyone broke the silence, until the stomping of the two Giants became audible, as they majestically strode toward the humble camp, all of them desperately resisting the urge to wet themselves.

And soon, as the giants finally entered the center of the camp, they stopped, dead silent, save for the foreboding sound of the wind, which whispered only doom for the small camp of tribals. And soon, after only a moment of silence, the two giants, shifted into odd, but strangely menacing poses, and Celestia stood up in Ornstein's arms as she spoke out, heralding her own queenship over the camp of primitive plebeians.

"Um, Attention, peasants! I am Princess Celestia, and this is my sister Luna!" Celestia said, prompting Luna to wave shyly, before continuing. "And as of right now, I am hereby asserting myself as your Princess!" Celestia shouted, causing a wave of murmurs to erupt from the gathered crowd, before being silenced by Ornstein and Smough, who shouted as they entered another menacing pose. And soon, the Crowd was silent as Celestia continued her very first speech of conquest. "Anyway, Luna and I are now your rulers, and if you say no, Ornstein and Smough are gonna beat you up! Now all of you bow to us and give us your shiny things and stuff!" Celestia declared, and almost immediately, the poor, cowed tribal natives rushed to do their new rulers' bidding, not really scared of the princesses, but rather of their two giant, golden guards, both of whom could stomp them in an instant.

"Well said, Princess Celestia." Ornstein said, ruffling the little Alicorn's mane and causing her to giggle in childish delight.

"No, Mr. Ornstein... Call me... QUEEN Celestia!" Celestia exclaimed, smiling in delight at what she was about to accomplish.

"And I'll be Queen Luna!" Luna declared in turn, and at that moment, Ornstein and Smough collectively shed a manly tear of joy at the little monsters they brought into the world.

"Now, let's go conquer more people and build our kingdom!" Celestia declared, and with that, Ornstein and Smough saluted the little princesses to be, and proceeded to gather up the natives, further building up their new army. And with that, they were of to the next camp, to wreak even more glorious havoc.

Author's Note

To be continued...