Seriously! Who!?
It had been a very long and tiring day for Daring Do. She had just returned from an expedition and had to explain why she had come home empty hoofed. The responses she had gotten from the sponsoring committee were less than charitable to say the least. But, that was all behind her now as she sat comfortably in her favourite armchair and dropped her pith helmet to the floor. The room was a mess, papers, books and clothes tossed lazily around, but she really could not have cared less how the room looked. It was good to be home.
The tan Pegasus laid back in the chair, closing her eyes for the first time all day. For some reason, though, she just couldn't relax. It wasn't that she was uncomfortable, she just wasn't tired. Her eyes drifted around the room, looking for something to do.
Suddenly, she saw them. A pile of envelopes of all shapes and sizes resting on the floor. It was a pile she had let grow for a while due to her busy schedule. Considering her options were rather limited, and she was pretty bored, Daring Do decided to pull herself from the chair and give a few pieces of the fan-mail a read.
“I've got nothing better to do.” Daring Do sighed, moving slowly across the messy room to the pile.
When she reached it, she took an envelope off of the top and tore it open with her teeth. Daring Do dumped the paper within into her hoof and began reading.
“Dear Daring Do.” She read aloud, for no reason other than to make it easier on the poor narrator. “I just read your most recent book. It was totally wicked! Thanks for being awesome!” From the look of the writing, the letter was from a filly. Daring Smiled to herself as she reread the letter, setting it aside to respond to later. Reading something like that was a great pick-me-up after the grilling she had gotten from the committee that day.
“Maybe this won't be so bad.” Daring considered as she reached for another letter.
“Dear DD. I was wondering if you would like to go to prom with me this year. I'm a handsome stallion from Canterlot, and think it would be awesome if my hero would go dancing with me.” Daring cocked an eyebrow. “I think someone needs to find a marefriend.” She chuckled and slid the letter off to the side. “Teenagers...” She sighed as she picked up another envelope and began reading it's contents. “Dear Daring Do/A.K. Yearling, I want to be just like you when I grow up! How do you become an archaeologist? It seems like a pretty cool job!” Daring Do slid that one into the same spot as the letter from the filly. Then something caught her eye.
“What's that?” Daring Do asked as she dug into the pile of letters and pulled out a manilla envelope. Suddenly, she noticed there were several manilla envelopes. Each contained more than a few pieces of paper. “From my editor?” Daring looked at the addresses on the envelopes. “Nope. Real ponies.”
Looking over to a desk on the other side of the room, Daring held the envelopes in her teeth as she stepped over the clutter of the floor. Plopping the stack of manilla onto the desk, she pulled open a drawer on the desk and pulled out a glass and bottle of some beverage which was definitely not alcoholic in the least. She poured herself a glass and considered putting the bottle back in the drawer for only a moment before slamming it down on the desk next to the glass.
“I might need this.” Daring decided, pulling out the chair and hopping in. “Okay. What are you?” She asked the envelopes.
Unfortunately, they did not answer. That would have been convenient, and lazy on the part of the author, unless she had been consuming alcohol, in which case it might have made sense. But alcohol would make her a bad role model, and we can't have that, right? The only way for her to find out what was withing the large envelopes would be to open them.
So she did. Pulling the top of a thinner one open with her teeth, she tore into the contents literally and figuratively. Daring Do poured the pages within into her hoof and laid them flat on the desk. This one was definitely from a filly. There were written words under crayon drawings labelled “Daring Do and Me” Again, reading aloud for my sake and yours, Daring Do started into the few pages.
“One day, ~~Derring~~ ~~Daing~~ ~~During~~ Daring Do went on an adventure. She had lots of fun, even though she almost died a bunch. She picked up the golden cup of awesome and walked back home. Then she wrote a book and my mommy read it to me. The End.”
Daring couldn't help but smile as she looked over the adorable story again and again. Fillies and colts always had a way of playing her heart strings. She didn't really know why for sure, but she didn't really care why.
“Maybe this won't be so bad.” Daring assured herself. “Okay, let's read another.”
She picked up another envelope, this one was a bit thicker, but Daring Do was up to the challenge. Tearing it as she had before, Daring slid out the small stack of paper onto the desk and read the cover page.
“Daring Do and the Curse of the Lunar Pharaoh. What a silly idea!” Daring smirked as she turned the page. “The passage was like a furnace. The hot sun and lack of air circulation had made the dark tomb almost unbearable. Using only a small flashlight to show her the way, a tan-coloured Pegasus moved her way through the passage...”
“... Daring Do walked down the road with her head held high. She moved forward to the future, and the secrets it held. As she walked towards the rising sun, the sun she had helped put back into the sky, she could feel it in her bones. She was on her way towards something incredible.” Daring Do turned the last page of the short story and smiled, mildly contented. “Y'know. It wasn't really that bad. Sure, they made the whole thing up, but it's cool to know that someone put effort into writing this. It's stuff like this that makes me love writing!”
As she slipped the story back into the envelope, she looked down at the others on the desk. “Who's next?” Daring Do surveyed them. None of them seemed to scream out 'pick me!', so she picked one of the thinner ones and decided to give it a read. This one had been fastened with tape instead of the glue, and she opened it with ease.
“Daring Do and the... Passions of the Desert?” Daring wasn't sure what to make of the title, but decided to bravely read on. Carefully turning the page, she took a deep breath and delved into the story.
“It's actually not so bad...” Daring Do stated, relieved that it hadn't been one of those fictions. By the end of the first page, there had been a legitimate set up, and indication of an exciting adventure.
It was about page four when it all went sour. Daring stared in horror at the text on the page. She could not believe what she was reading. She should not have been so quick to judge, it was one of those fictions.
“Daring Do licked her lips as she stared into the face of her companion with what could only be described as pure lust in her eyes...” Daring Do coughed. She needed the good stuff. Reaching down, Daring Do pulled open another drawer to grab a bottle which definitely was alcohol. She tore the cork out of the top and poured a large glass. She downed it in ten seconds flat and shook her head to clear her thoughts before turning back to the text.
“Why am I still reading this!?” Daring exclaimed as she came to a particularly... Explicit part of the story. “Why am I... No... No no... No no no! Ew! Gross! Who does that!?” Daring poured another glass and knocked it back, being a poor role model, but a funny one at least. “I've never turned down a challenge before, and I will not be beaten by a fan fiction!”
Bravely reading on, Daring Do gagged and sputtered on several occasions at the beyond R-rated content of the story.
“What is he doing? What is he doing!? WHAT IS HE DOING!?” Daring Do's face contorted into disgust. “EW! Nasty! Why there?” She read on. “It was like a what biting what!? GROSS!” Then she stopped, confused, and reread the last paragraph. “Wait-there's two of him now?”
The nasty details assaulted even Daring Do's mind, unable to keep herself from picturing the gross scenes unfolding before her. She would normally have just dropped the story and said enough was enough, but she would not be defeated by a fan fiction, and besides, if she did that there would be no point in writing story about it. Finally, one gratuitous scene would end, and she would relax, just to have another one start right up again. The process repeated itself for several chapters, until Daring Do felt violated just by reading the story. From what she could tell, the story had her paired with every possible companion and side character, and most of the villains.
“I would never do that with him, or her, or them, or that! Well... Maybe him, he was kind of cute.” Daring mused before shaking her head madly to destroy the thought and downing the rest of the alcohol she had become so well acquainted with. “Alright, let's finish this...”
Finally, she reached the end of the story. It was almost a struggle, but she got through it. The gratuitous hanky-panky that had just assaulted her mind still rattled around in her skull as she looked for more alcohol in the desk, but to no avail. All her mind could think of was what she had just read. How many times in that story had she done the nasty? She couldn't count them, and the narrator could give a number, but it would be completely pointless to, because the number would boggle the minds of any reader.
As she closed the back cover of the transcript, Daring Do sighed, finally relieved. “You know.” She thought aloud, much to the narrator's approval. “It really wasn't so bad. Sure, all the canoodling was a bit much, but the story was pretty well written. There were some good sequences, even though they always ended in me doing the nasty with some strange pony. I could have done without that, but the other three pages were good.”
Daring flipped the transcript over and looked back to the pile of manilla envelopes on her desk. She considered stopping for the night, but one more story couldn't hurt, right? Daring Do pulled a moderately thick one close and tore the top off with her teeth, dumping the work on the desk in a sloppy pile.
“Daring Do and the Passions of the Desert Part 2 of 3. NOPE!” Daring shook her head madly as she hopped down from the chair and wobbled her intoxicated legs in what was supposed to be walking but looked more like a drunk chicken trying to cross the road.
She wanted what little un-violated dignity she had left to remain in tact, so she hauled herself up into the armchair she had been sitting in at the beginning of the night. Closing her eyes, Daring Do tried to think happy thoughts, and not let her night be riddled with dreams like the story she had just spent hours of her life reading. Hours she would never get back.
“Well, at least I know ponies are... Passionate about their work.” Daring sighed as she settled into the arm chair for a good night's sleep.
