This Is All I Have To Give You.
Good evening, mares and gentlecolts, today we follow the journey of two princesses. Celestia is the larger of the two and the elder; Luna is the younger and the smaller. Today they are on a very important journey into the depths of Ponyville. The have left their castle for one reason and one reason only. To hunt The Derpy.
Let us tune in to their complex, deep, meaningful reasoning for wanting to imprison such a beautiful creature.
“Luna—”
“The Derpy hath broke our tower!”
“I’m sure it was an accident.”
“She flew into our tower and knocked it over! This is unacceptable!”
“If you will just relax for a moment, I’m sure we can work this out.”
“No! We loved that tower! It was our home for a millenium!”
“. . . Luna, we can build another.”
“Thus sayith thee! Thy tower was not demolished!”
“Why do you even want to catch her?”
“A debt must be paid. And she will pay.”
Watch as Luna seethes in anger. See the hate in her wild eyes? Watch as she hoists her bear traps and poisoned blow darts over her shoulder and flies into the sky, her sister in reluctant tow with a net over her shoulder. Their majestic wings carry them swiftly to their target: Ponyville, a land of dangers and shadows.
Let’s hear them stealthily and inconspicuously ask questions of the natives.
“Where is The Derpy! Where is she! Tell us now!”
“Luna! Stop! She’s not supposed to be blue!”
“Can’t . . . brea . . . nee . . . air. . . .”
Listen to their investigative prowess.
“But she has muffins, sister! She must know something!”
“That’s a bagel.”
“And her coat is grey! The wretched color of vile wickedness. . . .”
“Luna, put down the rock; you’re starting to scare her. And take off your grey sunglasses. She’s beige, not grey.”
“. . .”
“. . .”
“. . .”
“. . .”
“Lies. . . .”
After a long day of careful investigation, it looks like they finally found a lead.
“Thou have seen the fiend?”
“Unh, no? But I know Derpy. She lives over that way.”
“Where, peasant? We must know longitude and latitude!”
“Wha . . . ?”
“She means her address.”
“Oh, well, you just follow the road until you come to the house that . . . um. You can’t miss it. You’ll know it when you see it.”
“Thank thee for thy help! Come, sister, we go!”
Our two intrepid ponies creep down the road—well, Luna creeps. Celestia majestically strolls, the sun bouncing off her voluminous mane, her glowing locks billowing in the breeze, her dainty hoofsteps leaving barely a trace along the road that dares not dirty her coat. Take a moment to admire her. She not only has beauty without, but also within. The intelligence glimmers in her ruby eyes, the—
You heard none of that.
Back to the story.
“Sister. What is that.”
“I think that’s a . . . house?”
Indeed it is, or was, a house. I’m so confused: past or present tense? As the narrator, I should have some sort of consistency. What if it’s future tense? That could be interesting. . . .
They will walk up to the house and the house will amaze and astonish them. They will be confused because the house looks like a two story tall muffin. In fact, if one of them were to try a bite, they would find that that is completely not the case at all, and it will be tasting like wood because it has been wood and will always be wood. It just will look like it isn't.
I’m done. I feel sick, and I’m pretty sure there’s an error in there somewhere. Future tense is stupid. Don’t do it.
“That house is most definitely not a muffin. Another crime committed by the evil one.”
“It’s not her fault you ate her house, Luna. In fact, you should apolo—”
“We will place this bear trap directly on her doorstep. And when she steps out of her house . . .”
“Luuunaaa.”
“Don’t talk to us like that. We’re a grown mare!”
“Look, I’m not going to let you hurt her. That’s the whole reason I came along. Let’s just talk to her, okay? I’m sure she’s sorry.”
“. . . Fine! But we do it my way.”
And so they waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And Luna got really bored.
So she set the trap: a plate of muffins, a sign specifying that they were free, and a net. Though, it should be noted that anypony who wasn’t The Derpy didn’t get free muffins. They got a straw broom to the face and ran away hissing.
All through the night they waited.
Celestia fell asleep because she had been up since the last morning.
But Luna never took her bloodshot eyes off of the door.
Eventually, she got even more bored and raised the sun five hours ahead of schedule—it’s fine, nopony’s going to notice.
There she is—was? I don’t even know anymore.
There she is: the target of so much hatred. The Derpy. Look at the way she smiles—pure evil. See how she cutely rubs her eyes in the “morning” sun—truly vile. See her smother her daughter in kisses and hugs and send her to school—oh, the four-legged humanity!
“Thee are ours. . . .”
See her skip along the path, humming a merry tune—it makes me sick.
“Closer . . . closer . . . see the muffins.”
The Derpy pauses, her crooked eyes catching sight of the plate of untouched muffins.
“Oh, boy! Free muffins!”
“Yes . . . yes!—closer, you hideous abomination. We will deal with thee without mercy.”
As The Derpy bends down to eat the muffins, Luna jumps out of the bush she was hiding in that I haven’t mentioned until now because it wasn’t relevant until now. Except, as she is jumping, her net catches on the extremely convenient tree that was planted in the ground behind her some eighty years ago, causing her to fall flat on her face.
The Derpy turns around to see Luna sprawled across the road. She wipes the muffin crumbs off of her lips—she’s just positively dripping with evil now.
“Oh! Hi, Princess Luna! I’m so glad I ran into you!”
“What dost thou mean?”
Luna gets up slowly, groaning. And I never noticed this before, but damn is she cute. I mean, have you ever really taken a close look at her? Ten outta ten—would snuggle for days.
“I broke your tower yesterday, and I wanted to apologize.”
The Derpy looks slightly less evil while she is blushing but is—who am I kidding, really? Absolutely amazing amounts of aneurysm-causing adorable abound from her appendages.
“Thou . . . thou wanted to apologize?”
“Of course! I made these special muffins just for you to say I’m sorry.”
The Derpy pulls some muffins out of her saddlebag and gives them to Luna, who eats them. Her eyes widen. The Derpy smiles and holds out her forelegs.
“I’m really sorry. Can I have a hug?”
Ever so slowly—so very, very, very slowly—like, slower than a frying pan stuck to a counter with super glue—Luna reaches forward and embraces The Derpy.
A massive cutesplosion erupts outward, coating the entire land in warm fuzzies and diabetes. The cutesplosion then implodes inward, forming a shining beacon of cute directly around The Derpy and Luna.
The bright white light disappears, and when the d’awwws clear, there is a third entity in between the two cutest beings on the face of Equestria.
And that’s how Fluttershy was born.
Author's Note
A birthday present for a great guy. This is nowhere as good a present as he should have received, but it's the best I could do on such short notice. I literally wrote this in an hour.
I think I remember him saying that Fluttershy was his favorite pony. I think. I hope so. Otherwise this has no relevance at all.
Happy birthday, Cerulean Voice!
