Why didn't you read this before?
Scootaloo strained and strained, but nothing, no matter how hard, fast, rhythmically, or any combination of the three, she flapped her wings, she couldn't get more than an inch off the ground.
*THOCK* Rainbow Dash facehoofed, "Alright, give it a rest squirt, it just isn't working."
"But Rainbow Dash, I can feel that I'm so close, that I'm right there at the door, but I just can't open it," Scootaloo complained, brushing her foreleg through her mane to straighten it a bit.
They had been at this for hours, Rainbow had done over a thousand tricks, Scootaloo had spent five minutes hovering no more than half a foot off the ground.
"Well, you must be getting tired, come on, I'll take you home," the cyan mare offered, hovering a few feet away from her honorary little sister.
"Don't worry Rainbow, I'll be fine getting home on my own," Scootaloo assured half-heartedly, mounting her scooter and blasting off at sub-sonic speed.
Dash just blinked, already the bright orange filly was now a bright orange dot on the horizon.
"Damn, she's good, but I just don't get how she isn't flying with that kind of wing-power." Lazily flying from the training site, the daredevil sought out a cloud.
It had to be of sufficient quality, Rainbow accepted no less than four star sleeping material, dammit!
--
"Ah, Lady Scootaloo, you're home early, is everything alright?" the stallion at the door greeted, smiling brightly as he held the door open for the little filly.
"I'm done for a few hours, thanks for your concern Grate Press." Scootaloo greeted back, trotting inside the lavish household.
It was known as the Leaves Manor, a two-story house on the outskirts of Ponyville, it could be called a miniature mansion for its size and design.
This was where Scootaloo lived, she was one of the only two proprietors of the house, the other ponies here were servants.
"So, Lady Scoots, need a toke?" the guardsmare asked, levitating a bong out of her pale-maroon mane.
"Eh, sure Frost, I could use a pick-me-up."
"Alright! Come on, I've already got it loaded with: dat herb."
"Awesome, sounds good."
--
Taking a seat in the tea-room, Scootaloo watched as Cyanide Frost, the only guardsmare of the small manor, lit up the bong.
"So, you seem-t' haved a rough day, first hit for you." The pale-cyan unicorn offered, levitating the device into Scootaloo's hooves.
Nodding and taking in a deep breath from the tube, the orange filly sighed, filling up with a warm, fuzzy feeling.
Cyanide, leaving the filly to her herb, brought out a hypodermic needle filled with some other drug that had been liquefied, then injected it into her veins.
"OOOOOOoooooh yeeeeeaaaah, that's the stuff." The addict moaned, her blood feeling like a bubble-bath.
"So I still can't fly." Scootaloo's voice cut through the haze.
"Don' worreh, i's fine, bro's be back, backin' dat ass up, righ' there, hammmmmmmm." The armored mare hummed as she cuddled with the couch cushion.
Gliding off of her seat, the little lady of the house exited the room to go get something to eat, the effects of the marijuana making her already fierce hunger even more evident.
--
Hearing her crunching down on another bit of rock candy, Emerald Embrace, the crystal pony chef of the Leaves Manor, prepared for the inevitable request for help getting the bits out of his pint-sized patron's teeth.
"Mmnnn, hngh, can you help me get these bits out of my teeth?" Scootaloo asked, tonguing at her pearly whites.
Emerald sighed, using his crystal affinity to magically make his hooves fish out tiny specks of spit-softened candy.
*SLUUUUUUURRRRRRRP* In one go, Scootaloo downed the whole bowl of soup, followed by crispy bites of the perfectly-toasted sandwich, a string of cheese connecting her muzzle to her food.
About a dozen bites later, she was finished, using a napkin to clean her muzzle and sliding the plate to the chef.
Seeing the happy smile he received, he gave his own happy smile.
"*BURP*, eh-heh, 'scuse me." She sheepishly smiled, causing Emerald to have an inward 'dawwwww'
Quirky as she was, Scootaloo was just outright adorable sometimes.
--
"YEAH! FEEL THE BURN!" Dust Stir shouted, pumping his hoof in a cheer.
Scootaloo was doing it, she was speeding along the wall completely horizontally on her scooter.
Even now, she didn't feel any exertion, after months upon months of exercising, she'd built up an incredible physical stamina.
Going faster, the violet-maned pegasus was upside down on the ceiling, then began looping all the way around and rolling to a stop right in front of Dust.
"AMAZING! Yer gonna kick that sky's ass when you get up there!" He cheered, flailing his hooves around.
Scootaloo smiled, she felt ready for this.
--
"There you go, all patched up, like always." Ice Patch, the manor's medic, informed.
"Thanks Ice, what I would do without you..." She smiled appreciatively.
"Not much, you'd be stuck in the hospital."
"Yeah, I guess trying to fly from the roof wasn't the safest thing in the world."
"Yeah, I know, I saw you, just try to keep safe until it actually works, and thank snow that you're okay."
"Thanks, Ice."
"No problem, Scoots."
--
*CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK* Went the M16A4, unloading another few rounds
"Lady Scootaloo! Come quick! A letter for you!" Grate held the letter in his hoof, waiting for the orange pegasus to acknowledge him.
*CRACK, CRACK, CRACK* Scootaloo set the rifle down, removed the magazine, then turned to the butler.
"Alright, give it here." She commanded, keeping her Gunnar Optics on.
He hoofed over the letter, Scootaloo wasting no time in tearing off the top and pulling out the paper.
Leave Notice
The violet-maned filly didn't even need to read any further, she knew what this would say.
Her brother was coming home.
He always forwarded his leave notices to the Leaves Manor when he was taking a break, being an awesome royal guard was a stressful job, because any incident could compromise national security.
--
Wearing a cool looking black hoodie with turquoise tribal designs on the shoulders and tail, Scootaloo stood out on the front lawn, the letter sitting in front of her.
"I's al-red be two minnus, maybeh somethin's hold up?" Cyanide said, looking up into the sky.
"Well I just put the letter down forty seconds ago, be patient, Frost." Scootaloo commanded, her voice wavering slightly.
Where was he?
*FWASH* Went a burst of dark-blue light, accompanied by an orange unicorn with a white mane and tail, clad in a pair of white-lensed tinted glasses and a dark blue Haywaiian shirt.
"I'm HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!" It was an impressive note-hold.
Scootaloo rushed forward and hugged her big brother, "Star Spark, you're back!" she cheered, holding on tight.
"Of course I am, if I wasn't then I wouldn't be, silly." He said with a chuckle, his deep voice resonating throughout Scootaloo's ears.
"Starry, i's nice ta see you 'gain, big ol' fucker." Cyanide said with a lazy giggle, nuzzling her employer.
"Hey now, language around Scoots, I'm not big." True, but what about the word 'fucker'?
Giggles and chuckles were had all around, the rich soldier leading his sister and servant into the house.
--
"Wow, you actually got it?"
"Yep Scoots, a book on how to fly, after you penned me saying how you couldn't fly, I was thinking; my sister is a badass, she can fly, but I think she just doesn't know how. I got the book afterwards."
"That's nice master, you're such a noble stallion." Cyanide piped up, giving the weary soldier a head-massage.
"I know it, you know it, Scoots, go read that book and Imma see iffin' you fly." the unicorn stallion instructed, earning several enthusiastic nods and the clatter of galloping.
"So, what now?" Cyanide asked, reveling in the feeling of Star's mane.
"Now... we love." Star revealed, teleporting himself and his lover upstairs.
--
Scootaloo had a badass dream where she was flying all 'swag swag swag swag swag', then she did a loop-de-loop and shot off like a rocket, then did an awesome sonic boom that was just as cool as Rainbow Dash's
Then she woke up, and realized that today was probably the big day.
The day she would fly.
--
"You can't learn how to read, wait... fly from a book!" Rainbow slapped the book away from Scootaloo.
*THOCK* Star facehoofed as he came into earshot of the speedster's statement.
"Huh? Who're you?"
"I'm Scootaloo's big brother, so I'm morally obligated to kick the ass of anypony who trifles with her, you're Rainbow Dash, and I must say that you are not a good teacher." he greeted, keeping his hoof to his face.
"I'm not triffing her, and what do you mean I'm not a good teacher? I'm the best flier in Equestria!"
"Yes, which is why you won't get in the Wonderbolts, because they suck compared to you. That's not the point, the point is, do you know how to fly, Rainbow Dash?"
"Hells yeah I do!"
"No, I mean, do you know all of the steps and procedures on how to fly?"
"I... I don't know any steps or prosecutions, or whatever you just said." Rainbow stared at him with her head tilted in confusion.
"Exactly, you don't know how to fly. You can fly amazingly well, but it comes naturally to you, you were able to fly without learning how. Meanwhile, Scootaloo doesn't get it naturally, so she's going to have to learn." He deduced, years of interrogative work coming to use finally.
"That... that seems like a flimsy excuse."
"Listen, if it's really that flimsy, then humor me, let her read the book, and if she can't fly afterwards, then I'll let you teach her how you want."
"Deal." Rainbow sealed the deal with a spit-bump.
Meanwhile, twenty feet away, Scootaloo just finished looking over the diagram and comparing it to her own body.
"Oooooooohhhhhh~, THAT'S what I've been doing wrong." Really, it was all just a small mis-positioning of her wings.
Star and Rainbow were ripped from their hoof-bump by the sound of Scootaloo jetting off.
*VWOOOOOOOOOOOOOWMMM* Already, she was going half the speed of sound, how much could she do already?
Rainbow watched as the little filly dropped her hoodie and flew up so high that she was almost invisible.
Down...
Down fast...
Speed...
SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!...
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
She did a sonic boom HOLY SHIT!
YEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!
SCOOTABADASS!
SCOOTAWESOME!
And of course, it was amazing.
A huge ring of bright, vibrant violet flames blasted out from the her as she broke the sound barrier.
The Sonic Fireboom, badass.
Bad- to the -ass
B-A-D-A-S-S
That's kinda what it looks like, AWESOMENESS!
Star Spark stood there with his jaw agape.
Rainbow Dash hovered there with her jaw agape.
*BAAAMMMMMMM*
--
Scootaloo woke up, much to her disappointment.
"I knew it, I'm never going to be able to fly." She complained, about to get up when suddenly Ice Patch walked in.
"Ah, you're up, wonderful, I had to work extra hard with my ice-based healing spells to heal the slight burns accompanied by several bone breakages." The blue stallion informed, levitating the filly onto his back and walking out, "Everypony's been waiting for you to wake up, we found something out."
Out in the living room, Rainbow Dash, the servants, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle, and Star Spark were patiently waiting for Ice's message.
When that message came in the form of Scootaloo awake, healthy, and unhurt, Star breathed a huge sigh of relief, followed by much quieter ones from everypony else.
"I'm fine, everypony, why are you all staring at me like that?" the orange filly asked, feeling slightly uncomfortable under the assault of nine pairs of eyes staring at her.
"Vous êtes la pouliche en feu." Star said, pointing at her with a knowing smile.
"Je suis la pouliche en feu?" Scootaloo asked, looking at herself.
She had her cutie mark.
And it looked SWAGSWAGSWAGSWAGSWAGSWAGAWESOME!
A pair of purple flames shaped like wings, with a golden star between them.
"Ah cain't believe it! Ya got yer cutie mark!" Applebloom stated the obvious.
"So does this mean you've, like, been promoted to a new, super cutie mark crusader?" Sweetie asked, trying to think of what such a position would be called.
"I'll call myself 'Achieved Cutie Mark Crusader', and leave it at that. I can't leave you girls hanging, so I'll help you out, because I'm an awesome friend like that."
"Hehe, squirt's just like me."
Scootaloo smiled.
Today had been the best day ever.
All thanks to her brother being an major bro and giving her that book.
Who knew reading could be so awesome?
--
Princess Twilight Sparkle looked at the Leaves Manor from her perch on a cloud.
"Glad to see that I've converted another pony to the way of books." She whispered to herself, shedding a single tear of joy.
--
Diamond Titties and Silver Sperm were shocked still when they saw Scootaloo flying, having been so stupid and close-minded that they could never imagine the possibility that the orange pegasus would ever fly at all.
Scootaloo started her day off right with a healthy serving of bitch-slapping bullies in their stupid faces.
Cheerilee saw this assault, but she didn't care because she was drunk.
Scootaloo didn't notice as she trotted into the classroom like an awesome.
And there was much rejoicing and words of praise for her swagtastic cutie mark and ability to fly.
Author's Note
Why? I've given up on being sane, so fuck it.
Why not, y'know? Full on Discord up in he'e
I guess it's a bit like a crackfic, but I'm seriously not serious about...
Shit... I just can't bring myself to try to justify this.
Hope you liked it, hope it was kinda funny, or whatever.
*breathe IIIIIIIIIIIIIN* Trollolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol
swagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswag
LOL EDIT FUCK ME: read through it, didn't notice that I put "You can't learn how to read from a book." instead of "...fly from a book." SHIT! wow, I roughed, all on me.
