It Ain't Easy Being Pinkie
“And then I was like, ‘woo woo woo’ and she was all ‘eeek, oh no, help’ and I was all ‘whoops, that’s not a cake, that’s a bear trap!’” Pinkie Pie bounced around Twilight’s library, eyes rolling wildly as she recounted her slightly terrifying story.
Twilight just laughed and shook her head. “Oh Pinkie, you’re so random!” She settled back down on her sofa, sipping the drink Pinkie had brought round. It seemed to be mostly sugar, with a bit of sugar sprinkled on top. She politely spat the mouthful that she’d taken back into her glass and put it down.
“Oooh, Twilight!” Pinkie’s eyes bulged and she gave a scream, leaping into the air, her legs peddling wildly for a few moments before hitting the ground. “Twilight, Twlight, Twlight!”
Twilight looked guiltily at the drink. “Me, me, me?” she replied hesitantly.
“You, you, you! I just remembered!” Pinkie clapped her hooves together happily. “I’m having a party tonight, do you want to come? There’ll be no bear traps this time, I promise!” She stroked her chin. “I think.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Of course! You know, Pinkie, sometimes I wonder just how many little voices you have in that head of yours!”
“ALERT ALERT ALERT, SHE’S ONTO US!” Inside the relatively high-tech interior of Pinkie Pie’s head, klaxons started to urgently blare out, and strobing red warning lights kicked in. Sunny Breeze, commander of the Breezie Expeditionary Force Vessel ‘Pinkie Pie’ gripped the arms of her captain’s chair, leaning forwards and speaking into the hazelnut shell on a string that hung to her side. “Keep calm, everyone!”
All faces in the head turned to her. The sides of the head had been constructed out of fabric, wood and plant matter, all carefully woven together. There were little gantries made from toothpicks and matchsticks where breezies could move about their pony-shaped craft with ease. Sunny Breeze’s chair was situated in the ‘Brain Station’ where she could oversee the successful running of their ship.
“Okay, this is Brain Station to Tongue Station!” Sunny Breeze rasped into her nut-shell, little heart pounding furiously. “Say, ‘Ha-ha, you’re so silly Twilight. Woo. Woo.” She punctuated the words with deliberate precision. The sound of her voice travelled down the hessian string and towards the mouth, where the breezie on tongue duty picked it up on her own nut shell.
“Ha ha, you’re so silly Twilight. Woo, woo!” Pinkie Pie leapt into the air and did a little jig. “I don’t have little voices in my head, what a thing to say!” She then deliberately winked.
“NO, right eye, NO! What are you doing! Don’t go off script!” Sunny Breeze rose from her chair, her tiny stick-like arms waving frantically in the direction of Right Eye Station, where Ocean Breeze had just pulled down the shutter over the tinted glass window that served as Pinkie Pie’s eye.
“Oh.” Ocean Breeze wrung her feelers together, beads of sweat dripping down her forehead. “Sorry ma’am, I thought we were doing a ‘thing’. Because like, it’s ironic as we really are in here.”
“No, no!” Sunny Breeze sank back into her chair, head in her hands. “We’re not doing a ‘thing’! The ponies must not suspect anything, at any cost!”
Through the tinted windows, the breezies on duty in the head could see Twilight just shrug and laugh. “I’ll never understand you, Pinkie Pie!” came the voice, filtered through loudspeakers in the ears.
“And I hope you don’t try!” Sunny Breeze muttered in relief.
“And I hope you d-” Pinkie Pie began.
“NO, NO!” Sunny Breeze picked up the nut shell in her nearest appendage, screaming into it. “TONGUE STATION, STOP! ALL LEG STATIONS, RETREAT IMMEDIATELY! RETREAT!”
Twilight shook her head as Pinkie Pie just stopped talking and started to bounce merrily away. “Oh Pinkie!” she said again. “You odd pony!”
***
The Breezie Expeditionary Force had set out from the safety of Breezil over fifteen years ago. Using the most advanced breezie science, they had researched and built a gigantic pony-shaped craft out of string and paper and other objects they had lying about, to infiltrate ponykind and pass undetected.
It had been a long, arduous mission. Sunny Breeze was older now, wiser and with less of the enthusiasm of youth, but she had replaced this with a gritty determination to complete their mission. It had not been smooth sailing – despite the assurances of their top pony behaviour specialists, the Pinkie Pie still attracted undue attention from the ponies. Added to this was the fact the leg crews never could get the walk correct, electing instead to just bounce the craft about.
“It’s left, right, left, right,” Sunny Breeze muttered to herself as the Pinkie Pie bounded across Ponyville. She took a sip from a nearby acorn cap that contained a delicious sugar solution. “We’re making good time,” she mumbled to herself, making a mental note to ensure that Lung Station was ready with the bellows to inflate all the balloons for the party later. The breezies had found that parties were an excellent opportunity to gather intelligence, as ponies were at their most relaxed. Also, it enabled them to harvest as much sugary cakes and sweets as possible without suspicion.
“You’re a fool, Sunny Breeze!”
Sunny Breeze looked up from her quick meal with a start. Blustery Breeze was hovering over her command chair, features fixed in a snarl.
“What are you doing, Blustery Breeze!” Sunny Breeze rose from her chair, brandishing a safety pin that she kept near herself at all times in case of emergencies. “This is insubordination! Get back to Heart Station and your job!”
“Heart Station’s a joke!” Blustery Breeze scowled, folding his arms in a sign of defiance, not worried one bit if he should be pricked by the deadly pin. “We just keep beating on a big drum in case someone tries to measure the Pinkie Pie’s heartbeat. And how likely is that?”
Sunny Breeze shook her head sadly. Blustery Breeze was a relatively new recruit, having served only three summers on board the Pinkie Pie after it docked back at Breezil for a crew refresh. He still had the ideals of youth and vigour that service on a pony ship would soon shake out of him. “Orders is orders, and I’m the boss.” Sunny Breeze thumped back down into her chair, denoting the end of the matter.
“But…” Blustery Breeze pointed a stalk-like appendage at his commander, seemingly uncaring about the scene he was making. “Why don’t we just go home! We can live in peace and –”
He was cut off mid-sentence as Sunny Breeze slapped him about the face. “That’s traitor talk!” she squeaked angrily. “It’s been an endless, bitter war and we’re not giving up yet! You’re on waste disposal unit for the next five shifts!”
“Fine!” Blustery Breeze knew when he was beaten, and began to slink off down towards the neck ladder. “But I’m not the only one who thinks like that! If you’re not careful, you’ll have a mutiny on your feelers!”
“Any more talk like that and it’s the web for you!” Sunny Breeze shook with anger, barely containing herself as she buried back into her chair for comfort. She searched through a pile of scraps and picked out a tattered stamp that showed a map of Ponyville as the picture, studying it in her appendages. Careful little crosses had been drawn all over it. She stabbed a feeler down on one. “That’s it! I’ll show Blustery, we’ll step up the next scheduled assault!” Picking up her nut shell again, she barked her orders. “Alert! Alert! All breezies to battle stations! The next attack is to be brought forwards; proceed to grid reference Arcainum Alpha-five!”
Red spinning lights switched on, and the control cabin was bathed in an eerie glow. Through the eye-windows, Sunny Breeze could see the craft start to make its way to its goal.
Outside, Pinkie Pie started to bounce along happily in the direction of Fluttershy’s cottage. “Woo! Woo! Woo!”
***
“Lovely day, Pinkie! Where are you off to?”
Pinkie Pie smiled a big, winning grin at Colgate. “Oh, I’m just off to see Fluttershy!” She hefted a large baseball bat in her forehooves. “We’re gonna play with a piñata!”
“That’s nice, Pinkie!” Colgate gave a little wave and wandered back towards town.
“Phew! That was a close one!” Sunny Breeze flopped back in her chair. She knew she was taking a risk, making such a bold move. Usually attacks would take months of careful planning, but she knew she had to show Blustery Breeze what being a true breezie was like, and remind the crew of their dangerous mission in Ponyville. What if Blustery was right, what if the crew did want to mutiny?
She shivered, feeling the fearsome feelers of fate closing in around her abdomen.
“Gusty Breeze, status?” she barked towards the breezie at Left Eye Station. “Is there any sign of the one they call Fluttershy?”
“No ma’am!” Gusty snapped back, giving a quick salute as she did so. “It’s all clear!” From outside the eye windows, Fluttershy’s cottage came bouncing into view.
“Excellent!” Sunny Breeze smiled, rubbing her stubby arms together in anticipation. She snatched up her nut: “All Leg Stations, bounce towards target!” She watched grimly as their quarry came into view, the chatter in the Head Station dying down as all eyes turned towards the Eye Windows, and what they showed.
“The ancient enemy,” Sunny Breeze muttered under her breath.
***
Pinkie Pie bounded happily into the trees near Fluttershy’s cottage. Then, after looking about to make sure there was no-one around to watch, she withdrew her baseball bat, raised it, and started to swing with all her might at the beehive that had been innocently hanging on a tree branch.
The beehive swung furiously, drones pouring out of it in great swaths to defend their home. Wave after wave of them struck at Pinkie, pushing their stingers in hard, but to their astonishment, their stings just bounced off the pony’s hide.
Drone commander Zippy realised what was going on, but too late. “It’s a trap!” he screeched to his fellow bee-soldiers, as they darted in and about the pink pony. “That’s no pony, it’s a battle station!”
As he spoke, Pinkie Pie’s mouth opened up slightly too wide, and a large metal nozzle slowly emerged. It began to spit flames, and within seconds the bee army and their hive were decimated by a fireball.
Cheers went up inside the breezie command centre as the breezies on duty in Head Station watched the devastation. Sunny Breeze stood up to review high-fives (or high-ones as the breezies called them) from all her subordinates. Heart swelling with pride, she picked up the nut shell: “Victory! Another victory in this mighty struggle against the enemy! They fall to our flames! They fall to our smoke! This day is our day! The breezie day!”
Throughout the craft, breezies at all stations stopped to hear the announcement and cheered. All that is, apart from Blustery Breeze who sat in the waste disposal section, gently punching the wall in frustration.
Outside, Pinkie Pie continued to belch smoke and fire from her mouth. The blackened remains of the hive crashed to the ground amongst the bodies of the defenders. The bees who had not been knocked out by the smoke had fled. They had all gone.
All apart from one.
Lieutenant Junior-Grade Buzzy struggled to regain his powers of flight as he crashed to the ground. He had been trying a low strafing run under the pony’s tail, when it whipped round and smacked him square in the face. He had found himself tumbling helplessly through the air, into a tiny exhaust hole in the pony’s behind. Picking himself up with four of his legs, he used his other two to cradle his head.
“Ooh,” he moaned. “What a world! What a worl- ” He broke off in shock. Looming over him was an angry-looking breezie holding a deadly shovel made from half a drinking straw. “Don’t come any closer!” he buzzed. “I’ve got a stinger and I’m prepared to use it!”
“Wait!” Blustery Breeze put down his spade, raising his feelers in a gesture of peace. “I’m a friend. I think we can help each other!”
***
The party at Sugarcube Corner was in full swing. Pretty much everyone from Ponyville had somehow squeezed into the voluminous house, and every surface was covered in sugary confectionary of all shapes and sizes.
“Nice party, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash shouted over the music as she did a sweet move that in her head was amazingly cool but to everyone else looked like she was having a fit.
“Yeah, I know!” Pinkie opened her mouth wide and pushed a sugar-loaf sprinkled with sugar into her mouth. “Say, Rainbow Dash, do you have any important secrets?”
“Um…” Rainbow Dash screwed up her face in concentration. “I guess there was that time I was in Canterlot and saw where Princess Celestia stored her magic scrolls, it was in the…”
“Excellent, excellent” Sunny Breeze gave a grin as Rainbow Dash spilled all of ponykind’s secrets. Parties really were excellent for this sort of thing. Below her, she could feel the thrum of the conveyor belts as the sugarloaf was drawn into Pinkie Pie’s Stomach Station, where the breezies on duty would carefully sift out the life-giving sugar, and push the remainder into the waste disposal section. Her grin widened as she thought of Blustery Breeze alone in the waste disposal section on party night, frantically shovelling through the refuse before it swamped him. Sometimes, command was good.
She reached for her nut again. “Okay, Tongue Station, say this: ‘Boy, Rainbow Dash, that sure is exciting, also where do you keep all of your mon-”
The nut flew out of her appendage, spinning onto the floor receiver-side up as her chair was violently twisted round. Sunny Breeze’s expression turned to one of thunder as she saw Blustery Breeze in front of her, brandishing some large sack.
“What is the meaning of this!” she squeaked in furry. “This is party night! Get back to your station this instant or it’s the web for you!”
Blustery Breeze just smirked, shaking his head. “Oh no, Sunny Breeze. Not this time. You’re finished! I’m in command now!”
“Oh yeah? You and whose army?” Sunny Breeze rolled her eyes and was about to give the order to have Blustery Breeze arrested, when Blustery threw open his sack with a cry of triumph.
“Me and this army!” Blustery shouted as from the sack, Buzzy the bee roared out, wings going into overdrive.
Sunny punched the bee in the face with her tiny matchstick arms, but it kept on coming. She fell to the ground, shouting curses in frustration as Blustery Breeze joined in the attack, everyone else too stunned to intervene. “You race-traitor!” she squealed in frustration, wrapping her appendages around Blustery’s neck. “Die! Die!”
Her voice echoed into the nut shell. And the breezie posted at tongue station diligently followed orders and continued to relay the captain’s words.
“Die! Die!” Pinkie Pie shouted at Rainbow Dash. “Filthy spy! I bet you love the bees! Did they pay you in honey?”
The music at the party stopped with a scratch. All eyes turned to Pinkie.
“Uh, Pinkie, are you all right?” Rainbow Dash leaned in with a degree of concern.
“I’ll wrap you in a spider’s web!” Pinkie Pie screamed in the general direction of Rainbow Dash. “Argh my face! I’ll pull your wings off for this!”
Rainbow Dash backed away from Pinkie at this threat. She liked her wings after all. “Pinkie…” she began again, but was interrupted as Pinkie Pie’s head began to shake, and her right eye shattered like glass, spilling out shards over the floor, and the tumbling form of two tiny little butterfly-like creatures, who crashed to the ground and continued to fight.
“It’s over! Finished!” Sunny Breeze straddled Blustery Breeze, punching him in the face again and again and again and… She stopped and looked up.
A room full of ponies looked down at her.
“Oh. Ah. Hah.” Sunny Breeze climbed upright, brushing herself down, and looking back up at the Pinkie Pie. Gusty Breeze and Ocean Breeze were peering out of the shattered eye window with concern. “Look, I can explain everything!” she announced with a squeak to the assembled ponies. “It’s really simple, you see…”
“The ancient enemy!” Rainbow Dash suddenly shouted in alarm. With a clicking noise, her wings started to rotate, revealing portholes through which bees started to emerge, all waving tiny little needles menacingly. A stubbly metal cylinder slowly emerged from her mouth, pointing at Sunny Breeze.
“Oh heck, I hate bees!” Rarity shrieked, leaping into the air, the shock momentarily breaking her concentration and causing her to change back into her native changeling form.
“Pinkie Pie! Rainbow Dash! Rarity!” Twilight looked between her friends in shock and confusion. “What’s going on? I don’t…” At this moment, the mental duress on her caused the ancient binding spell to fail, and she turned back into a pea.
“Baaaawk! Baaaawk!” Scootaloo screeched, running about the room, her beak poking out of her ill-fitting pony costume.
“What the heck is all this!” Fluttershy poked her head around the door, but too late forgot she wasn’t wearing her mask, and was revealed to all as a 300 pound hairy biker-cow in a fairy suit. "Oh moo!" she exclaimed, realising her mistake.
Sunny Breeze’s mouth gaped open in shock as the room was filled with various pops, whistles and crashes signifying the unveiling of another non-pony. After a while, it stopped. She raised an uncertain feeler, looking about at the sea of very, very odd faces. “Uh, is there anyone in Ponyville who is actually a pony?”
An awkward silence reigned.
She tilted her head back at the Pinkie Pie. “Do you guys, uh, all want to just pretend the last ten minutes didn’t happen?”
There was a babble of agreement and a ‘bawwk’ from Scootaloo.
Sunny Breeze hoisted Blustery Breeze onto her back, and started the long climb back up Pinkie Pie. She would be back to fight another day in the pony town of Ponyville. Or whatever the hell it was. She sighed to herself. “This isn’t the war I remember.”
A few moments later, the party resumed. And no-one mentioned that night’s events ever again.
Author's Note
The plot is totally stolen - sorry, HOMAGED - from the Doctor Who episode 'Let's Kill Hitler'. Only with less Hitler and more breezies.THANKS MOFFAT!
The breezie names were stolen off Maskedferret, with kind permission. Also, thanks to Maskedferret and Midnightshadow for editing help.
