Twilight Discovers Cookie Clicker

by Vengeful Spirit

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 3079

When a mysterious flash drive is given to Twilight by her dear friend Pinkie Pie, she can't help but investigate. Unfortunately, that quickly leads to an addiction that almost manages to dominate her life.

When a mysterious flash drive is given to Twilight by her dear friend Pinkie Pie, she can't help but investigate. Unfortunately, that quickly leads to an addiction that almost manages to dominate her life.

Cover art by Twily Daily.

Now with a youtube reading by the glorious Mixer.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-09 18:40:02 UTC

This Is Totally Not a PC Infomercial

Nope.

Ducking her head back behind an edition of Shadow Magic and You, Twilight tried her best to ignore the pink flashdrive Pinkie had given her earlier that day. Why she hadn't already thrown it away was lost to her. Maybe it was because it was a gift from a friend or perhaps that she simply couldn't convince her to destroy such a valuable piece of hardware. Regardless, the purple unicorn knew that she was merely putting off using said tool as long as possible. Just thinking about it made her glance over at it again.

Nope.

Twilight ducked back behind her pages yet again. Still, the little piece of computer stuff was beckoning to her. It spoke to her, calling her name aloud. It just wanted to play, and that might make sense given how lonely it must be to-

Nope.

She peeled her eyes away from the USB device, trying her hardest not to look at it. Maybe reading aloud might help? "And then Lord Night Sparkler begat Lord Star Sparkle who begat Magus Star Swisher who begat Archmagus Starswirl..." Twilight trailed off, finding her gaze drawn back to the mesmerising hunk of plastic.

"Why do you have to do this to me!" she shouted at the inanimate object.

"..." it responded.

"..." the purple mare said back.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Fine."

Their converstation over, Twilight let out a long, hard sigh. She got to her hooves and trotted over to the nearby computer. A casual flick of the tail hit the power switch, turning the device on. The USB found itself immersed in her lavender magic, floating itself over to its destination.

"I bet this is going to be downright stupid."

The Mac OSX let out its traditional 'dong' sound as the monitor booted itself. There were thankfully no updates required as it prepared itself for her to log on, something that those crummy PC's couldn't say for themselves. Twilight wasn't the sort to waste her bits on something like that after all, right? Right?

"Come on and load already you stupid thing!"

After an unnecessary 'Two Hours Later' screenshot, the obviously superior in every way Mac finished loading. Twilight clopped her hooves together with an audible squee as she entered her username and password. Once the boring book wallpaper finished loading, she stuck the flashdrive into one of the USB ports conveniently located at the back of the computer screen. She idly watched the grass grow outside her window as the Mac finished loading her USB drive.

"There we go!" Twilight exclaimed, double clicking the program that popped up on her screen. The screen went dark for a moment as the program started to run. And stayed dark. And...stayed dark. The young mare banged the side of her monitor with a huff before it started running again.

"Rainbow's totally wrong, Mac's the best! Really!" Twilight pouted. The computer froze in agreement. "It's not like I need a computer for anything fun like games, or internet, or..."

The dark screen finally re-booted itself, a giant chocolate chip cookie popping up on the screen. Twilight stared for a moment, wondering what was up with that. There were some side bars and a couple shadowed images, but mostly it was just a cookie. With a nervous chuckle, she clicked it.

Click.

"Uh..."

Click.

Click.

Twilight stared at it for a moment, wondering what it was supposed to be doing. A few more clicks and one of the icons on the sidebar started to glow. It just looked like a small cursor itself and Twilight clicked it. A small cursor appeared right next to the cookie, sitting there patiently before idly tapping the cookie.

"Well this is dumb."

Click.

Click.

Click.

Click.

Click. Click. Clickityclick. Click.

"Huh?" she thought, finding herself starting to click it a little more avidly.

Clickclickclickclickclick. Click. Clicketyclickclick. Clickclickclickclick. Clickclickclickclickclick. Click. Clicketyclickclick. Clickclickclickclick. Click. Clickclickclickclickclick. Click. Clicketyclickclick. Click. Click. Clickclickclickclick. Clickclickclickclickclick. Click. Clicketyclickclick. Click. Clickclickclickclick. Clickinglyclickerclick. Clickclickclickclickclick. Click. Clicketyclickclick. Clickclickclickclick. Clickclickclickclickclick. Click. Clicketyclickclick. Clickclickclickclick. Clickclickclickclickclick. Click. Clicketyclickclick. Clickclickclickclick.

"Oh Sweet Celestia!"

"Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked through the door. "Are you there?"

Said mare sighed, still a little annoyed that ponies seemed to ignore the fact that she was living in a public library before calling out a distinct "Come in!" The prismatic pegasus paraded pompously into the local repository of knowledge, absolutely ecstatic.

"Guess what, Twi?! I just got accepted into the Wonderbolts!"

"That's nice."

Click. Click. Click. Clickclickclick.

"Well aren't you happy for me?"

"Sure," responded the lavender mare, never taking her eyes of the computer screen for a moment. Rainbow waited calmly for her to congratulate her before realizing her friend wasn't even paying attention.

"Do you mind if I pour some pond water on that obnoxiously thick dictionary over there?"

"Sure."

"Really?!"

"Uh huh."

Well it was obvious by that point that the local librarian wasn't really paying attention, so Rainbow decided to perform her cure-all method of egghead revival. With a wicked grin, she trotted over to the dictionary, picking it up.

"Well if you don't mind me pouring pond scum all over it, then I guess you'd have no objections to me tearing out a few pages, would you?"

"Yeah, uh huh."

"Geeze, you really have been zombified."

"Yup."

Rainbow knew that tearing pages of text was risky, she'd seen its aftereffects before after all. Still, the sound of tearing paper had been her last ditch resort to pull Twilight out a funk in the past, so if there was any way to pull her out of her zone, this was it. With a trembling hoof, Rainbow started to tear a knick in the side of the introduction page. She calmly waited for her friend to start freaking out.

And waited.

And waited.

And....waited...

With a groan, the cyan mare ripped the whole page out as obnoxiously as she possibly could, crumbling the page repeatedly until it was nothing but a small wad. Twilight didn't even seem to notice.

Click. Click. Click. Clickclickclick.

"Twilight, seriously?"

Click. Click. Click. Clickclickclick.

"I thought you'd be, you know, happy for me. I mean I guess getting accepted into the Wonderbolts isn't really that big of a deal..."

Click. Click. Click. Clickclickclick.

"Maybe I just figured that you'd possibly say something like, I don't know, 'Wow Rainbow, that's awesome!' No? I guess not then."

Click. Click. Click. Clickclickclick.

"Fine, I'll go then!" Rainbow shouted before running out of the building. She slammed the door behind her, not even caring as she flew off. "Stupid mare," she muttered darkly, still upset that her friend hadn't even given her the time of day to congratulate her. She totally wasn't crying right then, that was just a bug in her eye. "Stupid, stupid, stupid..."

"When I get that mare in my hooves..." Applejack snarled.

"Oh my," Fluttershy said. "Please don't hurt her!"

"I ain't gonna hurt her, Fluttershy. Still, she's going to get a piece of my mind. The nerve of that mare, making Rainbow cry like that! Well I'll be darned if I'd ever thought to see that mare in tears."

"It sure does take a lot to do that," Fluttershy muttered.

"Have you ever seen her like that before?" Aj inquired, her curiousity piqued. "As I said, I ain't never seen her like that before."

"Well...once. It was right after her mom died," Fluttershy stated.

"Land sakes girl! Why didn't she ever tell me her mother died?" the orange mare asked. "I mean I didn't try to hide the fact that I lost mine from you guys."

"Rainbow's a strong mare, Applejack. She sometimes thinks that she can take on the world," Fluttershy answered, a whimsical smile playing on her lips. "Sometimes I find myself thinking she can too." Applejack didn't try to respond to that. Was Fluttershy...blushing?

"Well it looks like we're here," the buttery pegasus stated as they neared the door. "Oh, I hope she's okay!"

"Relax, sugarcube, there's nothing here to worry about. She's probably just stressed out or something," Applejack reassured her before gently knocking. When no answer came out she just shrugged and opened the door. What she found was a mess.

Twilight sat slumped over in front of her computer, idly sipping from an energy drink before throwing the empty can on top of the already massive pile of used junk in the corner. She took another moment to rub some curing cream into her hooves before going back to clicking away on her mouse.

"Land sakes, Twilight!"

Click. Click. Click. Clickclickclick.

The purple mare just sat there, idly clicking away with her hooves. She didn't even seem to notice them despite their best attempts. After spotting the torn book nearby, it was obvious that nothing could pull that bookish mare away from her newest obsession.

"Alright Fluttershy," Applejack muttered. "I think we're just going to have to leave her be."

"B-but what about Rainbow?!"

"She's a big girl."

"But w-what about-"

"C'mon, Sugarcube. Speaking to the dead ain't gonna make them hear you," the orange mare stated before trotting out the door. Fluttershy followed right behind her, gently closing the door behind them.

"What should we do, Applejack?"

"Our last resort."

"What's that?" Fluttershy inquired.

"I can think of a certain young dragon who's probably over at Rarity's right about now..."

"Call me..."

-Grandma

An hour and seven antimatter condensers later found Twilight patiently clicking in anticipation of the coming light prism. She continuously clicked the cookie button, enjoying every time it rang up fifty thousand cookies per click. She didn't even notice the front door opening behind her.

"Twilight, you really need to get off," Spike said, looking at her fairly concerned. The young mare's mane was a tattered mess of misplaced hairs and broken strands. "That really isn't good for your health."

"It's perfectly fine, Spike! Don't worry, I'll get off in a few minutes."

"You said that eight hours ago..." the young drake trailed off, knowing fullwell that nothing could stop that mare or her new addictions.

Clickclickclickclickclick. Click. Clicketyclickclick. Clickclickclickclick.

"Go away Spike, stop crushing my dreams!"

Clickclickclickclickclick. Click. Clicketyclickclick. Clickclickclickclick.

"So your dreams of being a great mage have been replaced with being a no-life cookie clicking addict?"

"Yes! I mean no! But this is just a way of...relaxing..."

Spike looked over at her skeptically. "Yes, relaxing in front of a computer is so much more important than maybe acknowledging that Rainbow Dash was just accepted as a Wonderbolt, right?"

"Wait, what?!"

"Or that she dropped by earlier to tell you and you completely ignored her," the young drake continued. "Or maybe that she ended up heartbroken when you of all ponies wouldn't even give her the time of day to say 'congratulations'. You know, I thought you'd be a better friend than that."

"B-but I'm just-"

"Just what? Wasting all your days sitting here clicking away at this stupid game?"

Twilight grimaced. "But I'm about to get my first prism! Do you know how many hours it's taken me to get there?" she asked, her face bearing an ear splitting grin.

"Oh yes, I'm quite familiar with how long it's taken you to get there. I know you're enjoying those wonderful 'achievements' this thing is giving you. Tell me, are you getting anything by winning them?"

"Well no, but-"

"But what, Twilight?"

"It's...fun. And it's great at increasing my focus!"

"I'm sure it is," Spike said, walking closer. "I also bet it's great at completing that report the Princess wanted you to fill out. You know, just that three thousand word report summerizing everything you've learned about friendship in the last few months?"

"Oh no, did I really forget that?!"

"Um, yes?"

"Oh my gosh! Spike, take a letter!"

"Shouldn't you apologize to Rainbow Dash first?" Spike asked.

Twilight didn't even bother asking where she was at before a purple bubble engulfed the two of them. Spike saw his rather short life pass before his eyes before they popped back into reality. A small sizzling sound rose up from one of his charred scales.

"T-tell me next time you're going to do that...please."

"Sorry Spike, but it's imperative that I apologize posthaste!" Twilight exclaimed. She quickly darted to the front of what was obviously Sugarcube Corner and burst through the door. "Rainbow!"

Spike really didn't get how his mother/sister/friend somehow knew that the cyan mare would be there, but she was. Rainbow Dash looked up from her comfort food before dropping her gaze back down at her plate. "Oh hey Twilight," she said unenthusiastically.

"Congratulations at becoming a Wonderbolt!"

"Huh?"

"Y-you became a Wonderbolt, right?"

"Well yeah," Rainbow answered, still looking fairly listless. "Not that you really cared though."

"Rainbow, I'm sorry I didn't give you the time of day. I know that this means a lot to you and I should've been there cheering for you. I was being..." Twilight paused, looking for a word that fit her. "I guess I was being pretty stupid."

"Hehe, yeah you were," Rainbow chuckled, a little bit more life coming back to her eyes. Twilight smiled before sitting down across from her.

"Tell you what," Twilight said. "How about I pay the tab and you tell me all about how you passed."

Rainbow smiled for the first time since getting the cold shoulder. Her eyes lit up as she started on her favorite topic. "Well, I was just heading up to Cloudsdale for the tryouts when..."

Late afternoon found a unicorn and a young drake walking tiredly to the front of the Golden Oaks Library. The two of them entered quietly, smiling brightly at the long afternoon they just had. The two of them contendedly sat down before Twilight turned to her companion.

"Spike, take a letter!"

The young drake needed not be asked twice. A small quill and parchment pulled itself out of reality and found its way into his claws, giving him ample time to dip the quill-tip into a conveniently located ink bottle.

"Ahem."

"Ready when you are, Twilight!"

"Okay then!" the purple unicorned started. "Dear Princess Celestia, finding ways to enjoy yourself are perfectly reasonable way to relax. What somepony wishes to do to spend their spare time is up to their discretion and something to be lauded, not trivialized. However, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. I learned today that you shouldn't ignore your friends just because you find a new and engaging way to spend your time. You should instead find a balance, enjoying yourself when you can and spending time with the ponies you care about as well. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

Spike finished blotting down the last of the script before immersing the scroll in fire. The draconic magic engulfed the parchment, wreathing it in a simple teleportation spell before it disappeared. He let out a soft sigh before turning to see Twilight calmly unplugging the computer.

"Twilight?"

"Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope..."

He watched her pick the entire thing up with her face twisted into a scowl. She levitated the whole pile of equipment over to the nearby trashbin and threw the whole set down into it with a gentle slam.

"Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope..."

Spike almost said decided to say that they should re-sell it, but then he remembered that it was a Mac and not a PC and had practically no resale value since they never really update anyways. Besides, who in their right mind would actually spend money on  that piece of junk?

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click...

"Um, Tia?"

"Not now, Lulu!"

"I think your student just sent you a friendship report," Luna stated, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Look, I can understand that you need a vacation sometimes. We all do! Still, you've been playing that game for two weeks straight and I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the court politics in your absense."

"I handled it fine for a thousand years. Surely you can at least last a little bit longer?" Celestia replied without even looking up. She had to stop for a moment to rub some more soothing cream into her hoof. Carpal tunnel was not a fun master.

"Well..."

"Yes, Sister?"

"Maybe it's more about the fact that you've, I don't know, been sitting there for so long that they had to install a portible lavatory for you. Sister, you can't keep this up!"

"Bite me."

Luna just scowled, throwing the friendship report at her sibling. She turned to leave before pausing at the door. "Just read the stupid letter for a minute, okay?"

"Fine," Celestia conceded, watching her displeased sister leave the room. A gentle tug of her golden hued magic and the scroll opened up. The white alicorn just nodded for a moment before reading the text.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Finding ways to enjoy yourself are perfectly reasonable way to relax. What somepony wishes to do to spend their spare time is up to their discretion and something to be lauded, not trivialized. However, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. I learned today that you shouldn't ignore your friends just because you find a new and engaging way to spend your time. You should instead find a balance, enjoying yourself when you can and spending time with the ponies you care about as well.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle.

Celestia stared at the letter for a few minutes, scanning the page several times. "Such a fitting letter..." she muttered before gently wrapping it shut. With a despondent sigh, she looked over at her computer.

"I really should've bought a PC."

Bonus Scene:

"Whoohoo! That's more than eight trillion cookies!"

"Yay, we now have one hundred and three prisms!"

"New acheivement for that?"

"Wait, we're about to-"

"Girls, I got my cutie mark!"

"Me too!"

"Oh this is so awesome!"

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER COOKIE CLICKERS NO LIFES, YAY!!!"