The Strange Life (And Tragic Death) of Sophie Osmo
Sophie Osmo was a weird unicorn. While others learned through tactile endeavors, musical memorization, or flash cards, all you had to do was place any printed work on Sophie's head before she slept, and she would wake up knowing all that was to be found in whatever the work had been. She had a hard time learning any other way. Her mother knew she was special, and that's why her name was so weird. Sophie was an alteration of soph, the root for knowledge, and Osmo was short for osmosis. How her mom had known, she knew not. No text could tell her that. It wasn't like looking at her gave it away. She looked normal: tan coat, short auburn mane and tail, a lightbulb above an open book as her cutie mark. Only if you knew her did you really know what she could do.
And that was the thing, not many knew her. She had always struggled in school, until she had found her ability. After that, she had no need to attend school. She just asked to borrow a copy of each of the curricular textbooks and spent a week or two sleeping with each one atop her head. It was her lack of school, as well her seemingly seamless knowledge that kept her seperate from others. One of the first books she had absorbed was a dictionary, making her diction far too eloquent for most others to comprehend. So, she would sit in her apartment in Detrot and draw or write, just do something to preoccupy her intelligent self...
Until the day the letter came. That day would urge her fate closer, give it a chance to grab her and drag her down to her demise. The letter stated that scholars in Canterlot had taken an interest in Sophie's ability and wished to briefly study her in order to add her to a record of ponies with strange abilities that was being compiled. Sophie, albeit extremely nervous about leaving home, decided to go. Even though Sophie was strange, she still took the normal means of transportation: the train. Sophie was met at the station by the study team, who escorted her to the castle and placed her in a room. They told her that they would be back shortly, and suggested she take a nap. She listened to what they said and indeed, took a nap.
She woke up with a book on her head, and surrounded by unicorns in lab coats and strange devices. Her head buzzed with information about the architectural history of Canterlot. She pulled the book off of her head, and indeed, that was the title: "The Architectural History of Canterlot." She would have asked what was going on, but she already knew. They had begun testing her while she was napping.
"She's awake," one of the labponies said, stating the obvious.
"That is perfectly fine. We have all of the info we need," the mare who seemed to be running the observation stated. She turned to Sophie and invited her to come to that night's dinner party before leaving. Sophie couldn't really refuse, now could she?
The exquisite dining at the party was wonderful. Sure, Sophie felt a little out of place, lacking a dress and all, but the food made up for it. Really, it was the wine that made everything splendiferous to her. It was tangy, and it made her head buzz like it did when she woke up with literature having been absorbed. After downing her fifth glass, she asked to be excused.
The bathroom has to be here somewhere. Ah! There we go!
After relieving herself, Sophie found the the alcohol had impaired her sense of navigation and had caused her to become lost. Of course two rights, a left, five more rights, three more lefts, a light, and two refts put her in front of the great library in the castle. Asking the guard for directions didn't help. She stumbled into him and the awkward scuffle that ensued somehow resulted in the guard being knocked out cold on the floor. Only drunkenness allowed Sophie to shrug it off and walk into the library that held mystical books found nowhere else in Equestria. There were no sources of light, so Sophie really just fumbled around in attempts to find the nonexistent shortcut to the dining hall. Oof! Sophie tripped over a stool and stumbled headfirst into one of the shelves in the far corner of the library. The combination of liquor and concussion caused Sophie to pass out, while the rocking shelf deposited an open tome onto her head.
The morning was spent looking for Sophie, who had missed her morning train back to Detrot. One of the labponies from the day prior was first to find her. Upon seeing her passed out in the corner with a book marked only with strange runes and a pentagram covering her head, he dashed out in fear to alert the others. Of course, him tripping over half of the library in his retreat didn't help to keep Sophie asleep.
Upon seeing the mare who had led the research, he stopped and began to rapidly inform her of the predicament. Upon his finishing, and after he stopped panting, she replied, "That might explain why your tail is on fire."
The panicked pony looked back, saw the small blaze that was his tail, and fell to the floor screaming, "STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!"
The mare rolled her eyes and the stallion that had been accompanying her the whole time doused the panicked fool with the bucket of water he carried with him at all times. No one knew why he always carried a bucket of water, and if you asked him, he would gaze off into space and say he'd rather not talk about it, then mumble something about family and hot dogs.
As the soaked, blubbering idiot stood up to thank the bucket-wielding hero who had an unknown backstory, a Sophie Osmo with flaming eyes tore through the hall, leaving everything in her wake ablaze. As she flew past, the screaming that had been silenced by the bucket rose to heights anew. "STOPDROPANDROLLSTOPDROPANDROLLSTOPDROPANDROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A fiery explosion shook Canterlot as a small, flaming projectile could be seen flying out from the source of the blast. Survivors could see the tail of the blazing comet make an arching trail that pointed towards Ponyville. Celestia watched the spectacle and decided that she would write a letter to Twilight about the predicament they were about to face.
The Mane 6 sat in the town square, eating lunch. Pinkie, of course, would be first to spot the hellish missile, and of course tell everyone to make a wish.
"Duck and cover!!!" Dashie screamed as the heat became apparent. The square burst into flames. Standing in the middle of a flaming pentagram stood the demonized Sophie Osmo.
Twilight stared at the flaming symbol. "My cutie mark!" she gasped. Applejack then took the liberty of pulling her aside, slapping her across the face a few times, and explaining to her how wrong she was.
As AJ told Twilight like it was, Spike tapped her on the shoulder, and he was promptly told not to interrupt. Grumbling, Spike decided to share what he had intended to give to Twilight with the others.
Fluttershy sat cowering under the table, Rarity had run off to who knows where, and Spike was pretty sure that the ball of fire that was diving away from the demon and screaming, "STOP DROP AND ROLL!" was Rainbow Dash. That meant that Pinkie was his only option.
Pinkie was just standing there, rubbing her head. When Spike walked up to her, she turned and asked him, "If the star crashes into us, do we get extra wishes?"
Spike then had to show her the letter that AJ had not let him give to Twilight and explain that it was not a shooting star, but rather a unicorn who had become a demon because a book fell on her head. After getting over the fact that it was not a shooting star, Pinkie and Spike read the letter in full and found out exactly how things had gone down. After completely reading Celestia's brief dissertation, Pinkie gasped, said she had an idea, an ran off into the Everfree forest. Spike sighed. It was now his job to hold down the fort, which for now was a few picnic tables propped up on their sides.
After 10 minutes, it was clear that unless this Sophie person rocketed off to another town and they managed to survive the blast, there was no hope. Flutters had joined Dashie in the process of stopping, dropping, and rolling. Rarity had returned wearing a fireproof suit, and had joined Twi and AJ. Those two had finished up their talk about how not everything was Twi's cutie mark, and were now cowering behind one of the tables. AJ stuck her head over the table, and had her hat set ablaze by a fireball. She quickly ducked down and pounded her hat against the ground to snuff the fire before it could destroy her beloved hat. Rarity shuffled over to Spike and asked what they were going to do. Spike was comforted by her presence and while she sat he told her that Pinkie had run off with an idea and would return soon.
It was then that Pinkie Pie could be seen bouncing into the square carrying only two things: a worn book and a white rag. Spike and Rarity had little to no understanding of how those two things were supposed to help in the removal of their current threat. As soon as Pinkie saw Rarity, she ran down and ducked under the table. "Oh yes! That will make this a lot easier! Rarity, can I borrow your suit?"
"Why whatever for?" Rarity asked.
"I'm going to need to get close to her for this to work, and the fire suit would help."
"But the fire is no good for my hair! If I take the suit off..."
"If you take the suit off, I can make this stop, Pinkie promise," Pinkie assured her with the hoof motions.
"Oh alright! But any split ends are your fault."
Pinkie donned the flame-retardant apparel and bounded toward Sophie. Fireballs were dodged and Pinkie jumped at the now floating Sophie and somehow ended up on her back. There was a brief struggle, but the rag Pinkie held eventually went over Sophie's snout. Her flaming eyes closed and she passed out. This of course meant that she stopped demonically floating and that she and Pinkie plummeted two feet to the ground. As soon as Sophie hit the ground, Pinkie yelled at the tables, "Spike! Bring me the book!"
Spike ran with the book Pinkie had brought, what appeared to be a notebook with a leather cover that had no visible title, and handed it to Pinkie, who hastily opened it and placed it on Sophie's head.
"Well, what now?" Spike asked.
"We wait," Pinkie replied with what vaguely sounded like a subtly somber tone.
"Should we clean up this mess?" Spike asked, gesturing to the many small fires and piles of debris.
With that same reminiscently upset tone, Pinkie replied saying, "We might want to wait until after she wakes up."
Anesthetics, such as the chloroform Pinkie had used, aren't very effective on demons, so Sophie woke up shortly after. Having woken up and realizing the things she had learned from the notebook, Sophie's head exploded.
While most of them had watched the spectacle with severe looks of dumbfoundedness on their faces, Pinkie had watched it with a tear rolling down her cheek. She had hoped she would never have to use the things in that book for malevolent purposes. Well, it had been the only way.
Spike was the first to question Pinkie about the contents of the book. Pinkie's response was to walk out into the cranial blast zone to recover the book. Fortunately, when Sophie had woken up, the book had fallen off of her head and landed closed on the ground, protecting the inner pages from being covered in brain matter. Wiping off the cover, Pinkie opened the book to the first page, which was the title page, to show Spike. The title read "Pinkie Pie's Handwritten Guide to the 4th Wall and Similar Matters." Spike nodded. All he really knew was that the Fourth Wall was something Pinkie understood and everyone else was baffled by. He suddenly understood. "She couldn't handle it." he softly said. Pinkie nodded.
"Well what are we going to do?"
"Cheer up of course!"
"But Sophie just died!"
"Honestly Spike, it is sorta one of those fourth wall things, but she will be alive and well soon. I think that she is wanted alive by somepony important."
Spike shook his head and went to go get a mop. She was right. It was one of those things he couldn't really understand.
