MMMisery on the Friendship Express

by Shakespearicles

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2811

On the crowded Friendship Express, everything goes wrong.

(Not to be taken serious) Based entirely on comments from an idea blog:
This story is ALL of the ideas suggested. AT ONCE.
Twilight takes the Friendship express from Canterlot to Ponyville. But in trying to get from one end of the train to the other, she is beset on all sides by everypony's problems. Time for Twilight to save the day! *sigh* Again.

Published 2014-04-09 20:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-09 20:00:05 UTC

I Think I Can!

Thomas was a train.

Thomas was a boy train. He didn't care that the ponies he carried had painted him girly pink, and called him the 'Friendship Express'. He didn't care what the other trains thought of him. He decided that he was decidedly masculine. And that was that! In fact, he was going to show them, all of them, just how much of a boy, no, A MAN he was! He wasn't going to just sit around and wait to be told when it was okay to leave the station. He was just going to do it whenever he wanted. And that time was now!

Twilight arrived at the Canterlot Station train platform slightly early, as was her modus operandi. But she was just in time to see the train start to pull away from the station. Inside the locomotive, the conductor scrambled to figure out why the train had started moving. That was when he heard it. A voice coming from the powerful train engine.

"I think I can. I think I can." It kept repeating.

"AW SHIT! This train is haunted!" He screamed and jumped out of the window. Twilight watched the conductor abandon his post for reasons unbeknownst to her. She sprinted to the end of the platform, making it just in time to jump onto the last car of the train. She needed to get up to the front of the now-runaway train and gain control of it before anything else went wrong.

But little did she know, how could she know, that everything would go wrong.

Twilight put her hoof to the rear entrance of the train and entered the caboose.

Giggity
__________

Inside, Twilight came face to face with a familiar pony.

"Coco Pomelle?" She asked.

"Oh, hello again Twilight." She said.

"Where are you headed?" Twilight asked.

"We were just heading back to Ponyville. I'm going to be helping Rarity in her shop. Plus I need to get my niece, Silver Spoon, back home to her folks. We had a nice week though didn't we?" Silver Spoon nodded. "I get the feeling that they dumped her on me for me to try to figure out what made her tick. But I think I figured her out."

"Well that's lovely." Twilight said. "But unfortunately, there is a situation up at the front of the train that I have to see to. So if you'll excuse me." She exited the car into the next. Coco looked back at her niece, motioning for her to move onto the bed of the sleeper car.

"It was all that pent up sexual frustration from Diamond, wasn't it?" She said, as she climbed on top of her.
________________________________________________________________________

Twilight blundered into the next car, which, to her astonishment, was filled with Changelings! They were not disguised, thinking that they would be alone. They all turned and looked at the intruder, moving to attack her en masse. Just as they were about to pounce, the far door was kicked open. A trio of white ponies moved in a blur, punching and kicking, sending changelings reeling across the room and out through the broken glass windows. As quickly as it started, the fight was over and the changeling invasion was thwarted.

It turned out it was her brother, Shining Armor! He saved her life, and the day! He was there with Fancy Pants and stranger still, Prince Blueblood of all ponies. But for some reason, the three of them were still punching and spinning and kicking the air.

"Um guys?"

The three of them stopped and looked at her.

"So who won?" He asked her.

"Um, you did." She said.

"YES!" He shouted, hoof pumping in the faces of the other two as they gave him a sour look. "I RULE!"

"Well, you all won." She amended. He stopped his victory hoof pumping and gave her a weird look.

"What? How can we all win?" He asked.

"Fighting the changelings." She said. The three stallions all looked at eachother, confused.

"Changelings? We were having a dance-off, getting ready for the Mr. Universe Pageant in Ponyville." Shining Armor said.

"And I get to be a judge!" Scootaloo said, finally entering the room.

"But, but there were changelings in here! And you three all punched and kicked them out of the windows of the train! They must be hundreds of meters behind us by now!"

"Knock it off with that 'meters' crap Twi! Nopony wants to switch to your weird measuring system!" Shining said.

"But it's so much more efficient, you guys!" Twilight pleaded.

"Eenope." Big Macintosh said as he walked in.

"Big Mac? What are you doing here?"

"He's a late entry into the Mr. Universe pageant." Scootaloo explained.

"I don't think we're going to have enough tiaras." Blueblood said. Twilight gave him a weird look. "For the formal wear segment! God, get a clue Twilight." He scoffed.
_________________________________________________________________

The kitchen was a couple cars forward. Inside, Spike quietly put together a tofu sandwich, warming it with his toasting fire breath. It was soft and warm and moist. Just as he imagined Rarity would be. He looked around quickly to make sure he was alone. It was just him, Opalescence and Winnona, whom he had agreed to watch. And they wouldn't tell anypony. They were too busy licking each other's privates to an obscene degree. He followed suit as he started to hump the innards of the sandwich, bringing himself to a quick, and mildly satisfying climax, filling it with his 'mayonnaise'. It would never be as good as he fantasied the real thing would be. Just as he finished putting 'himself' away, Twilight barged in, followed by her 'Mr. Universe' entourage.

"Oh, Spike, you made a sandwich!" She said, grabbing it quickly before he could stop her. "Can you make yourself another? I'm kind of in a hurry and I haven't eaten yet."

"Hey, at least give me half." Shining said. She split it in half and gave him one. "Hmm, it's good!"

"Yeah." She agreed. "It's spicy!"
______________________________________________________________________

The next car was a long hall with sleeper rooms on either side. "You guys go on ahead." Twilight said. "I need to see if somepony around her knows how to operate a train."

"Why?"

"No reason." She lied. "No reason to panic." The others left as she opened the first door, praying for somepony with engineering experience. Nope. Just Pinkie Pie sitting on Fluttershy's lap while she read 'League of Humans Acting Heroically' to her. They both turned to look at her.

"Oh, hello girls. Sorry to interrupt, I was just looking for somepony."

"Well, you found two." Pinkie said with a smile.

"Somepony else. Sorry."

"That's okay Twilight." Fluttershy said. Twilight closed the door and let them be. Alone again, Pinkie Pie resumed bouncing up and down on Futashy's... appendage. Futashy, meanwhile continued to read her book. Because really, one can only take so much of Pinkie Pie. While Pinkie Pie tried to take as much as she could of Futashy.
______________________________________________________________________

In the next room was Rarity with, predictably, her fashion line. On the couch opposite her was Time Turner.

"Oh, hello Twilight darling. Could you give me a moment? I'm helping my friend here. It seems that things between him and his marefriend have grown a bit... stale as it were. I'm helping her try on some role-playing costumes to see what gets his... engine revving." She winked. He blushed. The door to the changing room opened. Derpy Hooves stepped out in a blue dress with white squares on it. It looked like a Canterlot Police call box.

"It's... nice." Turner said dully. She went back in the changing room. She came out again. This time in her mailmare work uniform. Turner's wings immediately pomfed open.

"It looks like we have a winner." Rarity practically sang. She didn't notice the blue Pegasus flying alongside the train outside her cab window spying on her. Rainbow Dash flew away before Twilight could point her out.

Twilight went down the hall to Rainbow Dash's room and opened the door. She got there just in time to see her closing the window behind her.

"What were you doing?" Twilight asked.

"What do you mean? I was here the whole time." Dash lied.

"Why are you stalking Rarity?" Twilight asked more seriously.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Dash feigned.

"Well then, you should have no problem with this then." Twilight said as she pulled a small stack of paperwork from her bag.

"What is it?" Dash asked as she plopped the papers in her lap.

"Oh it's just a contract for your friendship, with benefits, with me." She purred the last two word. Rainbow Dash's eyes strained as she skimmed over the pages.

"These are double sided!" She complained. Twilight watched on, eagerly.

"Be sure you initial each page." Twilight said in a very sultry tone. Dash complied, marking each page with the pen she was given. "Ooh yes, just like that. Now- now sign the last page. But do it slowly." Dash signed her name on the last page. Twilight was practically drooling.

"What? It was just paperwork!" She said.

"No, Rainbow Dash. That was the foreplay!" Twilight's wings splayed open as she prepared to pounce the prismatic Pegasus.

A knock came from the door. Dash walked past Twilight and opened it. It was Big Mac.

"Come on in." Dash said. Mac looked at Twilight nervously. "Don't worry about her. She was just leaving." He walked in and closed the door, sitting in the seat beside Dash. "Now if you'll excuse us Twi, we're getting hooficures." Twilight looked at Mac skeptically as Dash produced a box of hoof polish.

"Really?"

"Eeyup."

Twilight shrugged, smitten, and turned to leave. She opened the door to find Rarity with her ear pressed to it, spying on Rainbow Dash. She ran off back to her room, and locked the door before Twilight could stop her. Twilight needed to take care of saving the train. Then she would figure up what was going on with those two.

Back inside, Big Mac prepared to paint her hooves. "Oh Mac, you're the only pony who will ever truly understand my hoof fetish. Uh uh ah! Clean them first!" She commanded. He obediently stuck out his tongue. Like a good boy.
_____________________________________________________________________

Twilight was beginning to lose hope. She opened the next door. Inside she recognized Fleur De-Lis. She was sitting on top of a large cage, holding a mostly-empty pitcher of water. Inside the cage was a gryphon.

"Oh, it's one of Fluttershy's friends." Gilda said from inside the cage.

"Be silent!" Fleur barked at her captive. "Ah yes, Twilight. I know you. We met through our mutual friends, Rarity and Fancy Pants. He's going to be in the Ponyville Mr. Universe pageant this year. Isn't that wonderful?" She asked as she finished drinking her pitcher of water.

"Um... yes?" Twilight said nervously.

"Don't mind Gilda. I'm just putting her in her place after what she'd done to my good friend Fluttershy. Gilda dear, are you thirsty?"

"Of course I am! You haven't given me any water in two days!"

"Hmm, that's good. Because I've been drinking gallons, and I'm about ready to burst. Open wide!"

Twilight backed out of the room awkwardly and closed the door, trying to mentally erase what she'd just seen.
_______________________________________________________________________

Twilight moved to the next car. It was the seldom used Royal Suite. It was usually unoccupied, but Twilight wanted to be thorough. She opened the door with her new key that she'd been issued now that she was a Princess. Inside, her brother was tied to the bed. Above him was Princess Celestia!

"WhatWhatWHAT!" Twilight felt her mind breaking. "B- but you're married!"

"Oh, yeah, um, about that..." Shining started to explain.

"You see," Celestia cut in, "Before I can give my blessing for your brother to, *ahem* consummate their marriage, I have to take him for a... test ride, to make sure that he will be a good enough lover for my niece."

"Don't worry, he is." Twilight said, before embarrassingly covering her own mouth with her hoof, blushing. She couldn't believe she had just said that. Shining turned a whiter shade of pale. The three of them looked at eachother in shocked silence.

"Uh, Princess? Do you know how to drive a train?" Twilight asked at last.

"No dear. But I'm about to see if Shining can drive his." She said as she lowered herself onto him. "So, if you don't mind, this is already kinky enough without his sister watching too."

"Right." She backed out. That was it. She was just going to make a bee line for the locomotive and figure it out herself. Who knows, maybe there will be a user manual she could read. She was a smart mare after all. She could figure it out. She was close now. She could hear the huff of the engine. 'I think I can. I think I can.' It was only one more car away.

She opened the door to the last car before the engine. The room had a cold, dark chill to it. Inside stood four imposing figures. One wore heavy armor, with crimson fur. Another was a pale grey, gaunt and skinny as a rail. The third was a sickly looking thing with blisters all over his fur-less, olive-green skin. The last wore a black cloak that covered his whole body and shrouded his face.

"We are the four horses of the Apocalypse." The shrouded one said in a raspy voice. "We are Equestria's reckoning. War, Famine, Pestilence..." He lowered his hood, revealing that he was but a skeleton of a pony. "and Death."

"Oookay." Twilight said. "Yeah, if I could just go ahead and... squeeze past you guys and get to the engine? That'd be great. M'kay?"

"You shall not pass." War said in a commanding tone.

"Nothing shall prevent our arrival to Ponyville." Pestilence said.

"All of Equestria shall be... consumed!" Famine wheezed."

Twilight thought quickly. There had to be something she could do! She had to stop the End Times from bringing oblivion to her world. She was a Princess now! She had to do whatever it took to save Equestria. She came to the best possible solution.

"If I fuck you guys, would you not destroy the world?" Twilight asked, hopeful. The four of them looked at her, and then each other. They turned away from her and went into a huddle, quietly murmuring among themselves. Occasionally one of them would turn to look up at her. Pestilence spoke to her from the group as the rest looked on.

"Um, could you maybe, turn around a couple times?" He asked. Twilight nervously turned in a circle, showing off her body as best she could. The others didn't seem too impressed. There was a rouse of indecisive grumbles from the onlookers.

"Come on." She whined. "I'm a Priiiiincess." She said melodically as she flourished her wings. It seemed to be enough to sway the group. They advanced on her quickly. War held her down, putting her mouth to work on his artillery cannon. Under her, Famine began to eat her out with gusto, as though he hadn't eaten in... well, ever. Behind her, Pestilence licked her plot hole, because it was a disgusting thing to do and he was a disgusting pony. Death just watched. Twilight motioned to him.

"Don't mind him." War said. "He's just emo because he doesn't have any genitalia." It was true. He didn't. So he just watched and stroked his bone. War was about to finish so he picked Twilight up and turned her around, repeatedly slamming his battering ram into her marehood as hard as he could before he let his million man army invade her motherland.

"Uh death? I may need you to take care of me in a second." Twilight said. He looked at her strangely. Which was impressive for him to express an emotion at all without eyes, or facial muscles. "That was a lot of cum. I'll probably need a Ponybortion."
And that was the single worst sentence I ever wrote.

Death moved to kill everything inside her ladybits. Twilight yelled at the last second, "Wait!" Twilight squatted and flexed her muscles. A gush of semen poured out of her along with a tiny, dazed Appletini. "I completely forgot she was in there!" On the floor, Applejack made her first appearance in this fic.

Author's Note

Shining Armor flipped the table in the squadron. Papers, game pieces and dice flew everywhere. He yelled at the other guards that he was playing with. "What the fuck! Why does every game we play of Ogres and Oubliettes have to end with my sister getting gangbanged!"