Twilight Sparkle had always considered herself a mature, rational young mare. She had given up all her toys but Smarty Pants years ago. At the age of ten, dolls and colt-bands no longer covered her wall; yes it was true, Twilight did go through a small boy-band obsession at the age of nine. But again, she gave it all up to focus on her main goal in life: Magic; or more specifically the mastering of magic. Yet even though she had grown into a beautiful young mare and became a waifu alicorn princess, Twilight found herself staring into a toy shop window, a puddle of water at her feet from her excessive drooling. In the window stood none other than a LIMITED EDITION GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ZECORA. (NOW AVAILABLE AT YOUR LOCAL WELFARE-MART FOR $19.99!) This was wrong; Twilight Sparkle was a grown mare, not a filly! She shouldn't be staring at that Zecora toy with love to rival a brony and his waifu. The newest alicorn princess shook her head and turned away from the window. She had better things to do, like pick up groceries or eat three pints of cherry ice cream. Giving one glance behind her, Twilight walked off towards the setting sun.
Why was she here? After deciding to ignore the toy in the shop window and walk away, the purple mare found herself back at the store. Though instead of looking at the shop window, she was inside browsing the isles; Twilight hoped no one she knew saw her…well anypony she really, really knew. It was kind of hard to not at least recognize ponies from around town, or them to recognize her. After all there was only four Super-Kawaii-Desu-Alicorn-Princess-Waifus in existence….not counting the alicorns created with General Zoi’s Pony Generator, which totaled in the hundreds. As she looked at toys, Twilight tried to avoid the strange glances of her subjects. ‘WHY AM I STILL HERE? PONIES ARE LOOKING AT ME!!’ screamed Twilight internally, wringing her hooves.
“Here for the sale?” Twilight screamed, and turned around rapidly, turning to face her “attacker”. Before her stood an old unicorn stallion with a George Costanza hairdo and a faded blue ascot tied around his neck. His yellow eyes were bright with life. “You okay miss?” asked the stallion, frowning and silently berating himself for startling the young mare. Twilight gave a small nod.
"Sorry, you scared me….Uh you said something about a sale?” The old unicorn nodded and pointed his leathery mauve hoof towards a sign behind the alicorn. As she turned her head to be the stallion was pointing, Twilights breath hitched. The sign was above a giant isle of neatly stacked My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic toys; It read the one thing that would make any pony or person lose control: 60% OFF ALL MLP:FIM TOYS DUE TO EXTREME OVERSTOCK! Twilights was almost completely numb. No air filled her lungs, no sound of foals screaming rang in her ear, no sense of pain screamed at her as she bit her tongue and drew blood. She stood that way for a moment before the desire for air became too much. She gasped and fell to the floor; the unicorn tried to help her up but she just pushed his hooves away.
“HEY MOMMY LOOK, IT’S A RAINBOW FLUTTERSHY TOY!” The alicorn whipped her head towards the sound of the voice. In front of one of MLP:FIM shelves a little Pegasus filly stood with her mom, holding a RAINBOW POWER FLUTTERSHY (NOW $23.99!) toy. Looking around, the purple mare saw that more little fillies and a few older stallions and mares were looking at the toys. No, they were more than toys, they were her toys; Red filled her vision as her animal instincts kicked into high gear. It was time to defend what was hers.
Twilight's back ached with intense pain, caused by both defending her precious toys from those little hooligans and their parents and by carrying a large, overfilled sack on her back. Normally she would use her magic to carry things like this, but she had pretty much drained herself dry by shooting balls of fire at the little fillies. Though each step hurt, she kept going until finally she came to her destination. Home. Pushing the door to the library open with her hoof, she quickly disappeared inside and preceded to deadbolt the door. The library was nearly completely pitch black, with only the light of the recently risen moon, visible through giving Twilight the ability to see her surroundings.
“Twilight?” Suddenly the lights came on, blinding the mare. At the top of the stairs to the upper level of the library stood a small purple dragon who was rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Before he could process his next words he found himself sailing. Twilight grabbed him in her magical hold, aware that she was nearing magic exhaustion and quickly opened the door to the basement. She threw him in, trying not to wince at the sound of his pained yelps as he hit each step while he fell, and like the front door, locked the door to the basement. While she loved Spike, she needed to be alone with her toys. Ignoring his pleas and whys Twilight, quickly ascended the stairs and headed to her room. Once again, she locked the door behind her, as well as her bedroom window.
Pulling the heavy bag from her back, she sighed in both relief and excitement. The mare tipped over the bag and watched the toys come tumbling out in to a pile of disarray. For the second time that day, a puddle of drool began to pool at her feet. She grabbed the first toy she could see and gently held it in her hooves, too afraid to hold it. She sat there for a good ten minutes before her excitement became too much. It was time to play with her new friends.
~
Being awoken from her nap in the kitchen by her fat, annoying steward was not exactly on her list of things to do today. And yet, Celestia found herself doing it anyway, rubbing sleep from her eyes and trying to curl up back to sleep on one of the kitchen prep tables. “Your highness I have urgent news!” The steward bowed before her Princess, and shook her head in an attempt to both calm her nerves and to remove her obviously dyed red curls from her eyes.
"What do you want Hostess Twinkie?” mumbled Celestia as she pulled a jar of cookies towards herself.
“There has been an attack at a toy store in the small rural community of Ponyville!” exclaimed Twinkie as she thought venomous thoughts about her parents and their obsession with naming kids after junk food products. Celestia slammed a hoof down on the table below her, causing her steward to jump in freight.
“WHY THE FUCK IS I AWAKE? THIS IS OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING FOR THE FUCKING LOCAL POLICE YOU TWO BITE WHORE!” screamed Celestia, getting up from her nap table, ready to bitch slap the other mare.
“FIRST, THAT IS NOT A CORRECT SENTENCE GRAMMAR WISE! SECOND, ALICORN-WAIFU- TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS THE ATTACKER!” The eldest alicorn swore underneath her breath. Of course, she always suspected it was a matter of time before the awesomeness went to Twilight’s head. Grabbing a donut from her hair with her magic, she motioned the nearby guards to come forward.
“We’re going to Ponyville, but first wake up my little sister from her sleep, as it is nearly time for her to hold court” Saluting their fair ruler, the guards ran off. Turning around Celestia made her way back to her table and lay back down. She could probably get a few more moments of rest. Within seconds the white alicorn was fast asleep on her kitchen prep table again.
~
Bob Newman was a happy, simple stallion who loved his work and his fair rulers. He would do anything to make sure Princess Luna and Celestia were happy and safe. But there was one part of his job he hated, and cursed both alicorns for. Chariot Rides. Celestia was not light in terms of weight; in fact she was the opposite. So her being on a gold hundred pound chariot with only two Pegasus guards flying it? Yeah, no. It was only five minutes into the air and already he wanted to turn around and start hacking off his own wings. They ached from the strain of having to keep a obese-cupcake eating-princess and her fast ass in the air. “Faster! We must make haste!” cried Celestia over the sound of her guards painful pleas and moans.
“YOUR….TOO…FAT….!” cried Bob as he tried his best not to scream as pain ripped through his whole body. Celestia merely rolled her eyes.
“I’m not fat, you're just lazy….that being said pick up the pace or I’ll burn your whole house down with your family in it” Once Celestia was satisfied with their increased effort in keeping the chariot in the sky she smiled and snuggled up on her seat before pulling out a box of Danishes.
~
And so this is how Celestia came to this next scene. After arriving in Ponyville and ditching her half dead guards, she made her way to the Golden Oak Library and then calming a mob, she made her way inside. The first thing she did was release Spike from his ‘cage’ and then navigated the small narrow steps to the upper floor where both she and Spike suspected she was. And they were right. They found her playing with a giant pile of various MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC and MY LITTLE PONY: EQUESTRIA GIRLS toys. “Oh no, I have been defeated! Whatever shall I do? Curse you super-sexy-alicorn-waifu Princess Twilight Sparkle, most brilliant and talented magic wielder in this universe. She who is above all and all worship! I shall get you next time you, super sexy princess AND WE WILL HAVE SNUU-SNUU!”
To say Celestia was disgusted would be an understatement. She found herself puking on Spike, who in turn gagged and proceed to wipe himself off on the carpet. “It’s like Pinkie Pie’s intervention party all over again!” he said, trying not to cry. Celestia gave him a small comforting pat on the back and then walked over to a cowering Twilight Sparkle. For a moment they just stared at each other, before Celestia spoke.
“Twilight, eat a peach.” She said, pulling a peach out of her hair.
“What…why are you not…why?” Twilight asked confused.
“Because you turn into a rabid brony when you don’t eat peaches.” Stated the elder alicorn.
“And why specifically peaches?” asked Twilight in which Celestia shrugged in reply.
“Fuck if I know, it’s some meme.” she said while eating a donut yet again.
The end? I don’t know.
