What Am I Doing Right?

by OC Beats

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Dark, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 2130

He wants to be evil, he tries to be evil and bad, but for some reason he can't. Things just get better and it makes him even madder than before. He tries to kidnap Celestia, but it seems like he can't even do that right.

A stallion who tries to be the bad guy, spends all his time trying and failing to succeed. He tries to do bad deeds but when he does, it makes things better than before and it drives him crazy and mad! He goes as far as to kidnap Princess Celestia, but somehow he messes that up. See how this stallion struggles through his pitiful life.

A big thank you and shout out to the author who helped me and gave me the idea, Follow Focus.. Thank you Follow Focus!

Published 2014-04-11 16:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-20 01:37:04 UTC

How Could This Have Happened?

"Let's hear it for Equestria's newest hero!" Celestia said, pointing a hoof to the stallion next to her. The unicorn just stood there, ashamed of himself for letting this happen. He never wanted this. How could this have happened? He thought he did everything right this time. He frowned and looked down. Celestia continued, "I would like to personally thank him for his bravery and heroism." She looked to him. "That's why I here by dedicate this statue in your honor!" She pulled the curtain off the large statue behind them. All the ponies in the crowd cheered and stomped their hooves. He felt sick, and seeing the statue only made him worse. He wanted to vomit. He wanted to leave and pretend this all never happened.The only thing that was running through his mind, was how this could have happened. How?

He looked around, trying to find something to either ruin or steal. He spotted an apple cart near him with no pony guarding it. "Perfect." he said to himself. He took one more look around and made his move. He walked up to the apple cart and took an apple. He kept looking around to make sure no pony saw him. He let out a slight chuckle knowing he had gotten away with his deed. Out of nowhere, his hoof fell into a hole and he fell to the ground. The apple flew out of his hoof and hit a sign hanging on the building next to him. He quickly ran to grab the apple before anyone could see him. When he got the apple, he heard a slight snapping sound. He looked up, and the chain holding the sign broke. He quickly used his magic to catch it and set it aside. If no one knew he was there before, they knew now. He looked at the crowd, trying to think of an explanation. Before he could speak, they started to cheer.

"He's a hero!" One mare called out.

"He totally saved her." Another said.

"That was pretty brave dude!" A stallion said to him. Confused, he looked next to him to see a little filly with wide eyes. He then realized what he did. Not only did he just draw attention to him, he saved a life. The exact opposite of what he wanted to do today. With the crowd moving in closer, he freaked out and teleported to the nearest park. He took a look around to see if the coast was clear. He slumped down on the tree he was next to and groaned in anger.

"Dammit!" he yelled. "Why is it that every bad deed I try to do, somehow ends up being good?" He looked down and sighed. "I guess my parents were right. No matter what I do, things will turn out better than planned." He looked at his cutie mark and frowned. His cutie mark was a yin yang symbol representing good vs. evil. So no matter what bad deed he does, the symbol turns it around and makes it better. He thought of all the failed attempts to beat this unknown magic. "Damn thing!" he said in frustration. He sighed and got up. He looked around before making his way back into town.

He made his way to the local bar. When he walked in, the bartender greeted him with a friendly nod. He came in here often, so the bartender knew what he wanted. He gave him his drink and walked away. The unicorn looked around the bar at all of the drunken ponies who had wasted their weeks pay on their drinks. He looked down and sighed.

"You seem down buddy. You alright?" said a voice next to him. He looked over and was greeted by a smile from the purple and magenta pony.

"Yeah, so what if I am? Who cares?" he said taking a sip of his drink.

"Well, maybe I care." she said narrowing her eyes at him. She moved a seat closer to him. "Now tell me, what's got you so down?" He told her everything and when he finished, she looked at him with wide eyes. She thought for a moment before saying something. "So, wait... Your cutie mark stops you from doing bad things?"

"Yep."

"And you still do bad deeds any way so you can see if you can beat the magic?"

"Yep."

"And anything you do doesn't make things worse, but better?" He took a long sip of his drink before answering.

"Yep." She thought for a moment.

"Why don't you kidnap a filly or something?" He nearly choked on his drink after hearing that.

"Because I'm not some kind of fucking sick pedo! Geez lady, what's wrong with you?" She began laughing. His anger soon diminished and he started laughing too. While laughing, he saw her fall off her stool. "Oh my god! You OK?"

"Yeah, I'm just a little tipsy. That's all. I don't think I can make it home." she said holding her head. "If you don't mind... If you can help back home?" She gave him a devious grin. He knew what she was saying and agreed without hesitation.

"Sure... uh, what's your name?"

"Berry. Berry Punch." she said, struggling to stand. She put an arm around his shoulder and they made their way to Berry's house. She opened the door and guided him inside. She sat him down on the couch and wobbled over to a cupboard. He couldn't help but stare at the mare's flank. Watching it bounce and sway, while she hummed a tune. She turned around and set a plate on the coffee table in front of them. On the plate were two shot glasses and some very strong vodka. She poured him a drink, as well as one for her. This process went on for several hours until the bottle was empty. She leaned over to him and whispered in a seductive tone, "You wanna take this party to my room?" Without hesitation, the drunken pony got up and pulled her off the couch. The two fell on top of eachother and landed with a thud. They laughed and looked into each other's eyes. Berry grew impatient and went in for the kiss. Slowly, but surly, the sweet, slow and smooth kisses became more rough and violent, with her nibbling on his neck every so often. Without leaving each other's lips, they made their way to her room, bumping the table and hitting the walls. He placed her on her bed and turned to close the door. After the door was closed and locked, he put on a dominating smile and walked to the drunk mare who was waiting for him.

A Simple Plan With A Bad Outcome

His eyes started to open. The bright light from the window blinding him as he opened his eyes. He sat up holding his head.

"Ow! My head. What happened last night?" he asked himself. He looked around the unfamiliar surroundings and noticed he was in a bed. Alone. It then hit him. "Oh yeah! The one night stand with Berry!" he said with a chuckle. "Say, where is she?" He looked to the small table next to him and found a note. "Gone to work. I left you some food in the kitchen. -Berry." he said, reading the note out loud. "Huh, she was the first one to leave. Wait... that means I was the one night stand!?" He hung his head in shame. "You see, this is what I was talking about Berry!" he said to no one. He got out of bed and headed to the kitchen. He found the plate of muffins with a single note saying 'Here's your food.' "Wow Berry. You sure do know how to make someone feel at home." he said sarcastically. He ate his muffins and walked out of the house, locking the door behind him.

On his way to town, a royal guard pushed him aside. "Hey! What the hell man?" The guard said nothing as he passed. A second later, there was a carriage pulled by two guards. In the carriage was non other than Princess Celestia. She made the guards stop in front of him and looked down.

"Oh my, I'm am sorry for the rudeness. I saw him push you down. Here why don't you get on and take a ride with me." she said holding a hoof out to the stallion. He gave her a raised eyebrow.

"Really?"

"Why yes! Are you coming or not?" she said with a smile.Her smile seemed off, but he ignored that and gladly came aboard. While sitting next to her, the strangest thought popped into his head. What if Celestia was gone? What if she were kidnapped and couldn't be found? He smiled and agreed with his sick brain to do the nasty deed. He looked at Celestia with a smile and asked a question that caught her off guard.

"Hey Princess, can I get a royal tour of the castle?" he asked nervously. He thought that if he were alone with her, it would make his plan easier. She looked to him and smiled.

"Why of course!" She then turned to the guards who were pulling the cart. "To the castle please." They nodded in agreement and did as they were told.

The castle was bigger than it looked. His mouth was hung open from shock. Celestia guided him to the first room. He kept walking as she gave a lecture about the castle, but he couldn't care less. He wanted to kidnap her and make her suffer. He looked around to see if he could use anything, but all he saw was a bunch of old antiques. He finally spotted a big sack lying near the kitchen. He used his magic and quickly ran behind her.

"And here you can see... Huh, what are you... NO!" She screamed as he tied her up and put the large Alicorn in the bag. He bounced with excitement, knowing that he had beaten his curse.

"YES! I did it! I fucking did it! I beat the stupid curse!I finally did a bad deed!" He quickly noticed what he had done and realized the guards will be there soon to get him. "Better get out of here, and fast!" He ran out the door of the castle with the now bagged Celestia behind him.

He threw the bag into an abandoned room and slammed the door shut.He walked over to the bag and was untying it with his magic.

"OK, Princess. I left a note saying where they can find you so they will be here soon. Just answer my one question and I'll let you go. Got it?" Before he could take off the bag, the door slammed open and the elements of harmony ran in. Shocked and scared, he moved aside. Twilight flew next to him and said something he never expected.

"He did it! He stopped the invasion! He caught Queen Chrysalis!" Confused he took the magic off the princess and saw that he had not stolen Celestia, but stole Queen Chrysalis! His mind was at a blank. Then, to make things worse, the REAL Princess Celestia walked in. She walked over to the confused and angry unicorn and thanked him.

"Thank you so much. You have saved Equestria from another take over from this nasty villain. Your bravery will not go unrewarded."

"No, no, no! Please, no rewards!" he yelled, waving his hooves to testify. Celestia simply smiled.

"Nonsense. You need to be rewarded! Meet us in town hall tomorrow evening for a special announcement." With that, she walked out. Three guards picked up the nabbed Chrysalis and carried her away. Before leaving she turned to the mad unicorn and gave him a chuckle.

"Nice work, moron."

"That's why I here by dedicate this statue in your honor!" She pulled the curtain off the large statue behind them. All the ponies in the crowd cheered and stomped their hooves. He felt sick, and seeing the statue only made him worse. He wanted to vomit. He wanted to leave and pretend this all never happened.The only thing that was running through his mind, was how this could have happened. How? "So my brave new hero, what is your name?" He really didn't want to answer it, but after dealing with his pathetic life so far, he gave up. He decided to just give in and let what ever happens happen. She started to grow impatient. "So, what's your name? We need to put it on the plaque." He took a deep breathe and looked her in the eyes.

"Dumbfound. Dumbfound Luck." he said, hating himself.