The Not So Great and PowerfulTrixie Lulamoon
The Blue Mares hooves trudged through the remainder of the town, utterly embarrassed and sad. She walked into the forest taking the familiar path to her home. ‘I’m never going to live this one down, they all already hated me, now I don’t think there’ll a lower standard they could think of to put me in’ was all she could think. When Trixie got to the small hut near the river, she sat down on the outside, her back against the cold, wet mud wall. She looked down at her hoof, the self-harm scars deep red and welting.
The silver-maned-mare took her small starred cloak off, pulling a knife out of a concealed pocket. Trixie took the knife to the middle of her hoof, putting pressure against the course blue fur. She cut shallow at first, getting deeper and deeper, and it felt good. It took the pain away. The endless sadness she always seemed to possess shrank away, the cruel world floating away.
When her small minutes of what she called ‘pleasure’ were over, she walked over to the river, the purple sea monster sleeping at the bottom. Trixie stuck her hoof in, the cold of the water soothing her burning skin. She watched the stream of blood float away in the lazy current.
Later that night Trixie was writing in her diary:
Dear Diary,
I did it again today. I know I should stop but it just feels so good, like the world just closes out and gets dark and leaves me here in this blissful state of red. The ponies of Ponyville hate me even more now after my little tricks. That wretched amulet, I thought it would make me more powerful, but it made me look weak and helpless. That Twilight Sparkle had bested me again; it hurts to admit, but I have too. She's too good, but if I make it through, I'll be better.
Oh I just feel so bad, especially for those two young colts…what were their names? Slugs and Clips was it? Anyway, I just hurt; the aching blackness in my chest won’t go away, it sits there, taunting me. I just feel so sad and depressed. I’ve contemplated taking my own life. I’m worthless and nopony likes me. I’ve seen the way they stare at me when I pick up food, when I even walk through town. Even that old zebra Zecora hates me.
I think I’ll do it. I just need a place and some things. I don’t know if I’ll hang myself or somehow drown myself in that dreadful river though…
until next time; The Great and Powerful Trixie
She lay down and went to sleep, thinking of only the next day
When Trixie woke up the next day, all she could think of was suicide, the dreadful thought pressing down on her; her one escape merely hours away. She ate a meager breakfast of oats and some foreign forest roots. Then she started off on her journey.
The forest was still a little dark, the dawn net yet reaching through the thick trees. Trixie finally arrived at the tree of Zecora, the zebra’s design choice disgusting; masks and stripes? Horrible really, I mean, at least I have flowers...
“What do you want you pony folk, this hour in the morning is no joke,” was the reply Trixie got after knocking on the wooden door. Great, the zebra really does hate me… She thought. The door opened and Zecora was wearing a peculiar night cap, pink with green zebra stripes on it, she still hadn’t put on all the bangles she wore in the day yet, so she looked very strange to any pony eye that could get a glimpse at her. “Oh Trixie Lulamoon, what brings you to my home you croon,” The zebra asked, openly insulting Trixie.
“Hello, I was just wondering if...if..I could borrow some things from you?” The blue pony asked, putting on a brave face. Trixie knew that she had to get this stuff.
“Well of course my Ever Free neighbor, what do you wish for your tools of labour?” Zecora rhymed.
Why does she do that anyway? It must be a religious thing… Trixie wondering before snapping back into reality. “Oh yes, thank you. Um, I would need a rope and a small stool, just for today, thank you, I’ll get them right back.” The pony lied.
“Yes, let us not sit in the cold, come inside, there is no mold,” Zecora rhymed yet again.
“Oh no thank you, but I’m really busy, I’m sorry, I would love to stay but I’m really…really..busy…” Trixie couldn’t think of an excuse to as what she was doing later.
“As you wish Trixie dear, but I warn you; creatures aren’t as nice around here. I’ll retrieve the things you wished for, but you don’t have to step through the door.”
‘Oh whatever, please, I live next to a sea monster who gets upset my fashion choices; the idiot doesn’t know style when it swims right above him.’ Zucora walked back out, carrying a basket with a long hoof woven rope and a three-legged milking stool in it.
“Thank you, I’ll get them back later…So, um goodbye…” Why am I so awkward? Oh whatever, you are the Great and Powerful Trixie, well, not anymore really...
“Be on your way coat of blue, as I do bid farewell to you.” The zebra’s voice faded as Trixie hastily walked away, not looking back in both shame and fear.
Trixie dropped the small basket off at her hut and then made her way towards Pony Ville. The quaint little town was quit in the morning, ponies still sleeping before the sun stretched its tendrils of light over the mountains surrounding it. One store was open already, the quills and sofa shop; just what she was looking for.
Trixie approached the small store and walked in, there she saw a horde of couches on one side and millions of shelves of quills on the other. “Um, excuse me; I was hoping to purchase a quill and some parchment..? You do sell parchment right?” The blue mare asked at the colossal l service counter.
“Why yes of course, you can go pick out a quill, and I’ll fetch some paper from the back,” said the clerk apprehensively, utterly hating the blue mare on the inside, but business was slow, he had to take in any customer he could get; even if it was this despicable pony that ruined his town.
Trixie went over and took the first quill she could find, cheap and flimsy, but it would work. She walked over to the sales desk just as the clerk was walking back from the back of the store. He was carrying three pieces of parchment in his hoof. The clerk rang Trixie up and the mare paid the last three bits she had. You can’t take it with you anyway...
Trixie walked back towards the familiar opening in of the forest, her silver mane bouncing sadly behind her, her head sunk down and the starred blue cloak she donned looking utterly depressed itself. The mare sulked past the river and into her mud hut; there she sat at a hoof-fashioned desk pushed up against the back wall. She took out the parchment and the quill and started writing.
Hello everypony who reads this,
First I just want to apologize, I’m so sorry for what I did. I don’t care what hooey you spout about forgiving me and helping me find more friends; everyone hates me. I hate me too, so I guess there is one thing that we agree on.
I tried, I really did, I wanted to be good, I wanted to make friends, but after all the pain I put the town through, locking people out and torturing foals with my words. I’m sorry. That amulet killed me on the inside. I’m corrupted and evil and nopony likes me. I am loathed by all.
I self-harm daily, I try to take the pain away, I try to forgive myself after words, but I can’t. I can’t forgive myself for what I did to all of you. I don't know if anybody will read this, they probably won’t no one cares. They’ll all be happy I’m gone. I won’t have a funeral, and if I did nopony would show up; they’ll just be relieved.
I don't know any other way of getting out of the corner of dread I boxed myself into; all of my confidence faded, the crowds thinned, and I gave up. It's just so hard to try and leave. The scars on my hooves, the tears constantly in my eyes. I inflicted it on myself I know, but I can't do this anymore.
Thank you, everypony, thank you for trying; but nopony can help me now. I'm in to deep with this.
Thank you for reading, even if you didn’t, thank you for letting me escape
The not-so Great and not-so Powerful Trixie…
Trixie had the rope already tied to the high tree where it would happen, where, if anypony looked, they would find her; sitting there in the air lifeless and gone. Trixie pounded a nail in the trunk of the same tree and stuck the note on there for all to see. The echos of the hammer fading away. It would be the last sound she ever heard.
She stood on the stool and draped the rope around her neck, “Goodbye,” she whispered, tears in her eyes. With one swift movement her hind leg kicked the stool out from under her. Trixie didn’t struggle, she didn’t cry out. She sat there swaying from the impact of the rope tightening, but she didn’t move; she knew that escape was soon.
The funeral was held the day after. Trixie had been hanging there for a whole day before Zecora came to look for her borrowed stool and rope when she found the note and body. Twilight spoke at the funeral, the dark casket sitting right behind her.
“Trixie was a pony who didn’t think she could escape. She found no joy left in the world. She thought that everypony hated her and that she was worthless to all. What she didn’t know was that this many ponies actually cared enough to see her off to the other side.” Twilight started crying and her friends had to come and join her, finishing the speech for the crying mare.
“It’s a sad day for us all, but especially for the loved ones of this mare; the family she had, and the friends she could have had. We wish we could have known her feelings, to try and save her from the fate she inflicted on herself, but Trixie talked to no one, we just assumed she was doing fine, living out there by herself. It’s horrible this kind of thing.” Fluttershy said, the six friends all crying up there next to the deep hole. “It’s so sad that she couldn’t think of a different solution for her problems, if only she’d talked to someone…” The yellow mare couldn’t take it anymore; she put her hoof up to the casket and cried. Her and her friends all walked back after saying their goodbyes to the open casket.
"Farewell to The Great and Powerful Trixie, you'll always be great…” was all Rainbow Dash could muster before sinking back into her chair
The ceremony ended with the casket being closed and lowered into the hole in the ground. She was buried peacefully and quietly, everpony came and put dirt and flowers into the hole. It was beautiful really. The ponies mourned for a few days, their hearts still heavy. No pony actually moved on from the traumatic event; but they didn’t speak of her because they knew they would feel sad and weighed down with the pain of the loss of somepony close to their hearts. The town lost not just a member, but a pony who they considered their friend that day.
Author's Note
I don't have any experience with depression, self harming, or suicide myself (obviously), but I just wanted to write this because I do have a friend that was depressed and she had considered it. Luckily she told someone and we convinced her not too and got her happy again, but it's a hard thing to deal with, for everyone involved.
Please if you are dealing with any of these feelings, call someone, tell someone, just talk. It will be alright, but please don't do what Trixie and many others did/do everyday. There is a different way of escape.
To those who have given up, remember; the hole is never to deep
