Not Really a Point

by dekkonot

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 1521

In which the author completely loses their mind and writes about something that is borderline meta.

In which the author completely loses their mind and writes about something that is borderline meta. Don't worry, it doesn't hurt too much.

I regret nothing and everything.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-11 14:40:01 UTC

In which everything goes wrong

Once in the magical land of Equestria, there was an author. The author's name does not matter, only that it was in fact an author, of whom wrote this story. This author, who shall henceforth be called 'The Author', was having trouble coming up with ideas. It therefore decided to let the characters write themselves, and things got very, very out of ha—er...hoof.

So that was how Twilight Sparkle got to be staring at a book that was writing itself, currently on the topic of how Twilight was watching a book write itself. She was slightly disturbed by this fact, as is natural when seeing things writing about you without any external influence. Twilight looked directly up at the camera, now that you, the reader, have seen her, and her jaw dropped. Well, I assume that's what happened. I didn't really see it happen, as I wa—I mean the author was writing this down. I was off...er...getting hugs from the alicorns up in Canterlot. Sure! That's it! As such, I was also not a witness to these events. Twilight Sparkle stood up and ran for the door, banging her shins on the forth wall on her way over there.

One Twilight got over to the door, the author, being someone who tries to find an easy way out, decided that her getting out of this horribly wonderfully written story would be too nice, and too boring to read, simply wrote the following lines:

Twilight, suddenly deciding that she was just tired and needed some sleep, did the only sensible thing. She turned around, banged her shins again, and went to go pour coffee on her head in the hopes that the burning sensation on her scalp, of which was inside of Equestria and was also that of an equine, would either cause her so much pain she would wake up fully, or cause her magic to drop the cup on her, giving her some much needed sleep.

Those lines, being the unbendable will of the author, worked like a charm and Twilight shortly got several severe burns on her head, causing Spike to have to escort her to the hospital. This set in place several plot points, that because the author was having such trouble writing out an actual story, played themselves out in a terribly written and unoriginal way. Twilight, once exiting the library with Spike (and hitting her shins again. Man, those are going to be bruised!), ordered Spike to use his magic green floo powder-esque fire to burn down the entire Ponyville Library, permanently ruining all the colts and fillies' of the town's education forever. Somewhere, Cheerilee cried and went on a crazy rampage and weeded her garden.

Spike, of course, being the loyal number one servant that he was, accidentally fell into the fire face first. That was the end of Spike, of whom the author didn't want to have to write about later on. Somewhere, the Spike fanclub booed. At the same moment in time, somewhere someone left an angry comment about this using too many “somewhere”s in the same story.

Anyways, Spike was dead and the Golden Oaks Library, along with the self-writing book, was burned. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash flew by right in time to see Twilight Sparkle crying for a few moments, then sitting down from the intense pain in her shins. If you have ever hit your shins 3 times in one day, you will know this feeling. And, yes, the author has had this happen to them before. It really does suck. Moving on. Rainbow was, understandably, stricken by seeing the leaves of Twilight's house, and the location of all her favorite novels, burn. She flew down to Twilight to see what had happened, and Twilight told her to take a minute, just sit right there. She told Rainbow how she became to be sitting in front her house.

Apparently it had started in West Fillydelphia, which Twilight had never actually been to, so I doubt the story. Rainbow just sort of looked at her with a “you don't say?” look on her face while Twilight sang about how she became homeless. After that whole thing was done, Pinkie Pie popped out of nowhere, slapped everyone who ever spelled her name Pinky, then noticed the burning leaves nearby. She was very, very saddened by the poor leaves not being able to experience any more of her parties. She was so saddened about this particular fact that she decided to go over to Twilight and comfort her over the loss of her leaves.

Twilight, still in excruciating pain from her shins (also her burns, but those have been conveniently forgotten about), did what anyone would do in that position. She facehoofed so hard that she had to conjure a giant hoof in the air along with a large face to make sure that everypony around her knew that she was facehooving THAT hard. Twilight doesn't mess around. Rainbow and Pinkie both flinched away, Rainbow in a terrified way, and Pinkie in an over-exaggerated way as comic relief for the writers of the show. (Seriously. How do you fall flat on your face like that?)

On a whim, the author of this magnificent story decided to make rainbows rain from the heavens whilst Flash Sentry des—Oh wait. That was written early. Let's change that... make apples rain from the heavens whilst Big Macintosh the benevolent princess of Narnia descended directly towards Twilight Sparkle, who suddenly was confused, looked up from her demeaning position on the ground towards the almighty Princess Macintosh. This almost seemed like something that would happen in a poorly written crackfic that was written to make way for a larger idea! But she instantly dismissed the idea. Crackfics weren't even a thing in the world of Equestria.

As apples were raining from the heavens, several ponies were struck, including Pipsqueak, Luna (Stalker Luna is stalking you), and Rarity. Don't worry, out of all of them only Pip wasn't asking for it, and that's only because he was inside and someone tossed an apple at him. Completely unrelated, Snips was found dead later that day with multiple, mysterious apple-sized lumps on his head and an apple stuck on his horn. Detectives are still working on that one.

Applejack, being a southern farmer in 'Murica 'Questria, got up on the roof of her barn to start firing shots into the air and instead found that her dreams had come true. She screamed for her family, only to realize that Big Mac was off being a princess somewhere, Granny Smith was being a hypersomniac, and Apple Bloom was busy inside designing Stables, as you never knew when you might need a fallout shelter. That meant that Applejack, bless her soul, was stuck outside on the barn roof being pelted by apples and no one was there to see her. It was sad, really, but the world is a sad place.

Twilight, who was completely unaware of the events involving her friends (and Rarity), stared dumfounded at the newest princess of Equestria. She muttered something in Latin, and offered to give him a make-over for one small fee, and that fee was giving his princess-hood to me her. Big Mac was not amused, and sentenced her to a life in prison in a remote country, of which she was also banished to. Keep in mind, that at this point Twilight had hit the fourth wall, shattered it (luckily it was laminated so she couldn't get out), lost her precious leaves, was burned pretty bad by that coffee (yeah, that happened. Bet you'd though I'd forgotten), had been sitting outside near a fire for a good 10 minutes, AND had been hit on her burns several times by the apples. Yeah. She was having a bad day.

Deciding that his rule of no dialog was overrated, the author, who did not represent the fandom he was writing about's skills, wrote: Twilight looked up at Princess Macintosh, her eyes shiny with tears as she said, “Please don't banish me. I've had a rough day, and I can make it up to you later somehow.”

Princess Macintosh responded by naming her his concubine. Somewhere, the author changed the story's upload page to be rated teen for some slightly more adult themes, apparently. I don't know how this happened, honestly. Twilight the Concubine was like “Ah hellz no,” and stabbed Macintosh to death with her horn, completely ignoring Pinkie and Rainbow's looks of exultation and revulsion respectively. Pinkie suddenly got a good idea, so she invited Rainbow over that night to help her bake Cupcakes. No, really. She thought that gay pride cupcakes would sell very well in a place where 90% of fillies were lesbians. Of course, Pinkie was also a Republican, so I can't really tell you what she does for fun.

And that my friends, is what would happen if Twilight shared Pinkie Pie's fourth wall awareness. I'm so sorry for what the author has done, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive  me the author.