The Casket of Apple Cider
Pinkie Pie’s jokes had a way of getting under my skin, but when her fun became far to personal, I knew that I had to pay her back. On the outside, nopony would have even thought that I had any ill will towards the rosy earth pony but I knew that someday soon I would have my revenge.
I wouldn’t only avenge my self. No, I would make sure that she would never pay me, or anypony for that matter, insult ever again. An insult is only revealed when the wrong doer is brought to justice and rest assured, she would soon recognize the error of her ways.
I, being the incredibly awesome and self-contained pony that I am, never spoke a word to Pinkie about what I was planning. That salmon colored, happy-go-lucky pony never suspected a thing. Ha! I acted like I always did around her, super smooth and chill. She never would have thought that I was acting that way because she’d soon be gone.
Pinkie had one vice. Apple cider. She was nuts for the stuff and could have told anypony about the type of orchard that it came from, the year, and the apples that were used to make it. She was a self-claimed “official cider tester”. Not very many ponies enjoyed apple cider as much as Pinkie did. Nah, most only acted like it to look cool around their colt/mare friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice, tall mug of cider myself and got some whenever I could get it.
It was close to sundown during cider season and Ponyville put on a huge party to celebrate. You can imagine how psycho Pinkie was acting because of it. She popped up out of nowhere and nearly snapped my neck with one of her obnoxious hugs. It was obvious she was nearly plastered from all of the cider. She was dressed like a clown for some reason. I guess that’s just Pinkie being Pinkie though.
I played it cool.
“Pinkie what’s up? Looking good.”
“Thanks Rainbow” she returned.
It was time to put my plan into action. I leaned in close and whispered in her ear.
“Hey Pinkie” I said. “I just got a huge barrel full to the brim with some apple cider from Canterlot, but I’m not sure that it’s the real deal, y’know”.
“A whole barrel!” she yelled.
I pulled her back down with a ‘shhhh’.
“Yeah, a whole barrel. But like I said. I’m not sure that it’s legit.”
“Apple cider” Pinkie whispered with a giggle and a hiccup.
“I need to know that it’s bona fide stuff”.
“Apple cider!” she whispered again.
“Yeah” I answered coolly. “I’m on my way to see Applejack right now to get her opinion”.
“Applejack!” Pinkie objected, rearing up on her hind legs. “Applejack can’t tell a good cup of cider from a bucket of water!”
“But she makes the stuff” I said, slightly confused.
“Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please…” she said as she wrapped her forehooves around my neck.
“Please what” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“Please take me to the cider. I’m dying to taste it!”
Her hug was getting stronger and started to crush my windpipe.
“Alright! Alright!” I said, shoving her off of me. “Let’s go. But don’t tell anyone. Pinkie promise”.
Pinkie went through the oath and soon we were off. This was almost too easy.
In no time, we were standing at the edge of the Everfree forest.
“What are we doing here” she asked.
“I hid the cider in here in case somepony tried looking for it”.
She gave me a weird look at first, but soon replaced it with a huge smile. “Okie dokie Rainbow. Let’s get to that cider”.
The two of us stepped into the thick fog and walked deep past the bushes and trees until we reached an old, abandoned shed. I opened the door and the two of us walked to the wall on the other side.
“What now?” she asked.
Without a word, I turned and bucked my super fast, athletic legs into the wall, revealing a secret stairwell that winded downwards. Pinkie’s eyes lit up as she followed me in. We descended until we reached a long hallway were torches lined the cobblestone catacombs.
Pinkie sneezed and sneezed again. She sneezed a total of four times in a row before finally being able to inhale.
“Everything alright Pinks?” I asked her, not actually caring.
“ACHOO! I think there might be mold in this hallway.”
“And?”
“I’m allergic to mold”.
Pinkie was allergic to something? This was getting better by the minute.
“We can turn back if you want. I’ll just get Applejack and…”
“NO! ATCHOO!” She yelled. “I’m fine. Let’s just get to that cider”. She trotted past me with a huge smile on her face. I devilishly followed her in.
We walked for a while and I could clearly see that she was still really buzzed from the cider. She brushed up against the walls and the mildew built up on her coat. It obviously didn’t help her at all because her sneezes grew more and more violent. I hurried up to her and kept her off of the walls. I needed her to be able to walk by herself for just a little while longer.
We reached a room that was almost as large as Twilight’s library. The corners were filled up to the ceiling with the bones of old ponies that must have been led here almost a hundred years ago. At the far end of the room was another, this one no bigger than a closet.
“Come on Pinkie” I said, picking up the pace. “The cider isn’t much farther”.
Pinkie followed as best she could, sneezing and stumbling over old stallion skulls all the while.
I stopped at the entrance of the “closet” and gestured Pinkie inside. The dumb filly had no idea. She happily skipped inside before beginning another fit of sneezing. I took the opportunity to fasten her midsection to the wall with an old, rusty shackle.
“Is this some kind of game?” she giggled. I didn’t say anything but only grinned to myself. “How do you play” her annoying nasally voice continued.
I locked her in place and walked over to one of the large piles in the corner, just out of eyesight.
“Oooh, is this like hide and seek?”
She started to count as I swiped away the old pony bones, revealing a buckload of bricks and mortar, and a trowel. I crammed some under my wings and walked back over to Pinkie just as she was approaching 30. She opened her eyes as I began laying the first layer of bricks.
“That’s a good idea, Rainbow,” she giggled as I moved onto the second tier. “But I think that you’ll have to lay them a bit faster than that if you want to use them to hide before I finish counting”.
I didn’t say anything but continued to lay the bricks down.
“Okay” she said. “I’ll start over. 1…2….3…” she reached thirty again and opened her eyes. “Oooh, that’s good”. I was now about halfway up the opening of the doorway with bricks.
Pinkie sneezed and sent a billow of dirt out towards the large, empty chamber. I rested for a moment.
“Moldy in there, ain’t it Pinkie?” I called out.
“Yeah, and dusty” she returned naively. “I’d better head home before I get really sick”.
The cider’s effects were beginning to wear off.
“Can you let me out Rainbow?”
I got back to work.
“Rainbow?” she called out in a singsong voice.
“Rainbow” her voice was getting more worried with each passing moment.
“This was fun Rainbow, but I don’t want to play anymore”.
I said nothing. The wall was high enough now that I had to fly to reach the top.
“I’m done playing this game Rainbow” she called out frantically. “I want to go home now!” Still I remained silent.
After I was about four or five rows away from the top, I decided to stop and take a break. It was probably around midnight now and Pinkie had become starkly silent. I enjoyed the silence, especially since it was (or rather wasn’t) coming from Pinkie. The stillness only lasted for a few seconds before a soft sobbing penetrated the stagnant air of the catacombs.
“There was never any cider was there, Rainbow?”
“Cider, sure” I snickered. “It’s coming, just wait for it”.
I resumed my work, relishing the fact that this would be the last time I’d ever have to hear her stupid, annoying, “I’m so much funnier than Rainbow Dash” voice.
There was one row left. I smiled to myself until a horrible noise stopped me dead in my tracks. It started low, but slowly increased in pitch. It was Pinkie, laughing.
“Ha! Ha! He! He! Ha! Ha! This was a really funny joke Rainbow. We’ll be laughing about this one back home over some warm drinks”.
“Apple cider!” I said.
“Ha! Ha! Ha! The apple cider! But isn’t it getting a little late. They’ll be wondering where we went back at the party. I can’t wait to tell them about this. Let’s get going”.
“Yeah Pinkie” I said. “Let’s get going”.
There was silence for a moment as my trowel scraped across the top of another brick with the mortar.
“For the love of Celestia, Rainbow!” Pinkie yelled.
“For the love of Celestia” I yelled back at her.
I stood silent for a moment, waiting for her comeback. Maybe she was just thinking. Minutes passed and my breaths grew short.
“Pinkie!” I called in after her. No answer.
“Pinkie!” I called again.
Still, my cries were greeted only by the cold stilly silence.
The mold was finally getting to me as well. I forced the last brick into place and sealed it with the mortar. In the corner, I rearranged the bones to their former position. I exited the catacombs and never spoke of them again.
"Nemo me impune lacessit."