The Bender

by chief maximus

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 3926

Celestia does something only seen once in around 500 years (or so they think). The rest of the kingdom runs for cover.

Princess Luna has a problem. Her elder sister is nowhere to be found, and it's almost time to raise the sun! The clues in her room point to one obvious conclusion, but in her sister's absence, Luna must assume her duties. The night princess can think of but one pony perfect for the task of tracking down her sister: her most faithful student.

(I know some folks have been wanting a Celestia chapter of my fic 'A Pony Walks into a Bar', so think of this as kind of a spiritual successor to that hypothetical chapter.)

Published 2016-02-18 12:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-18 12:00:03 UTC

Princess Blackout

Princess Luna yawned, stretching her legs as she rose from the violet pillow in her chambers. The balcony beckoned her as she trotted towards the open door. The moon was at its lowest point on the horizon. In a scant hour, she would be able to sleep before having to hold night court the next day. Overall, the once scorned princess had settled comfortably back into the royal lifestyle she had left so many years ago.

Though she appreciated the comfort of an established routine, she recognized that tedium could certainly drive even the wisest of ponies up the walls. This tedium was already starting to wear on her nerves, and she'd only been at this for a little over a year! She couldn't imagine how her sister has been dealing with it all this time. Which gave her an idea.

I shall visit Celestia! Perhaps bring her the morning herald with her mead, er, coffee. Luna thought, smiling happily as she left her room. The bat pony guards beside her doors saluted as she exited, as did every royal guard she passed. The castle was always the pinnacle of cleanliness, an army of maids and butlers worked around the clock to clean nearly every square inch of the palace, and it showed. The floors were nearly mirrors and the carpets emitted a burst of fresh, flowery scent with every step. Luna certainly enjoyed her current surroundings far more than the dusty lunar prison she'd spent a thousand years inhabiting.

In no time, she found herself in the kitchen, an elegant breakfast tray inlaid with gold and images of the sun caught her eye. Surely this must be bound for my sister's chambers. Luna thought, noticing the sunflower in the vase, as well as a small cup of coffee and the morning paper resting on the tray.

"Chef, I shall be delivering my sister's morning breakfast ritual personally, give the breakfast slave—er, servant, the morning off." Even after assimilating into modern society, sometimes the princess found herself using old words and titles, much to her embarrassment. Thankfully, no pony had ever made light of this habit. If they had, she'd have them thrown in the dungeons. If Canterlot still had dungeons... she'd have to check on that.

"Very good, Your Majesty." he bowed, before returning to his work. Luna hoisted the tray in her magic and trotted down the hallway toward her sisters room. The doors to her room were just as elegant as the breakfast tray she carried. Gold inlays, solar imagery, and marble and pearl accents gave it an air of importance by itself. The two royal guards outside her room saluted as Luna drew near.

"As you were," she commanded. "Has my sister stirred?"

"No, Princess, we have not heard anything from her all morning."

Luna smiled. "Very well, I shall wake her." She pushed on the door, only to find it locked. "Most unusual..." she commented, pushing a little harder. "It appears to be locked! No matter." With a flash of dark blue light, Luna teleported herself into her sisters room.

It was a mess. Cans and bottles littered the floor, her bed looked as though someone had held a wrestling contest on it, and the room itself reeked of something Luna had not smelled since she and her sister formally renounced their 'wild years'.

"Gin," Luna whispered to herself. She set the tray down on the nightstand after clearing away the empty bottles. Her sister was nowhere to be seen. However, her balcony was standing wide open and her curtains billowed in the morning breeze. Luna could connect the dots from there.

She stepped out onto the balcony and looked out over the capital city. Somewhere out there, a drunk princess stumbled, and Princess Luna was determined to find her. But, since Celestia wasn't here, she would need to fill her roles. She knew that would require two things: a large stein of mead, and Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight awoke with a start as Spike belched out a jet of green fire, which formed into a scroll in mid air, landing on Twilight's bed. Her assistant groaned, looking over at the clock.

"Ugh, it's hardly even sunup, what could the Princesses want this early?" Spike complained.

"I don't know, but I bet it's important!" Twilight replied, opening the scroll and scanning it. She gasped. "Spike! Get my travel bag, I'm going to Canterlot!"

The young dragon sat up in his basket and rubbed his eyes. "Right now? Why?"

"Princess Celestia is missing!"

In an instant, Twilight teleported to the palace. She blasted through the ornate doors to the throne room and shouted "Princess Luna!"

The lunar princess turned her head from the throne and sighed. She'd hoped Twilight wouldn't react this way, but as the old saying goes, defecate in one hoof and hope in the other, and see which one fills up faster. Her sister's pupil raced before the throne and bowed.

"Arise, Princess of Friendship," Luna commanded. "As you know, I've called you here for a very important purpose."

"I read your letter, We need to find Princess Celestia right away!"

Luna held up a hoof, silencing the jittery princess. "And that purpose, is as you might expect. To find my wayward sister."

Twilight paused. "Wayward? Y-you mean she wasn't kidnapped?"

Luna's eyes leveled at Twilight at the suggestion. "My sister is many things, but kidnap-able, she is not."

"Oh, well, that is a relief. But... are you saying she ran away?"

Luna rubbed her hooves on her temples. "Well... in a sense, yes. However, I am not able to aid you in this quest. I must stay here and assume her duties until you find her."

Twilight scratched her head. "Uhm... okay, are there any clues as to where she might have gone?"

With a nod, Luna beckoned her forth. "Come with me to her chambers." In a flash, they disappeared, and found themselves waist deep in crumpled beer cans and empty glass bottles.

"Wha... what is this?" Twilight asked, the foul odor of stale alcohol invading her nose as she scrunched it.

"This, is the result of over one thousand years of sobriety," Luna replied.

"Sobriety? Princess, I don't understand."

Luna waded through the empties and brushed the cans off of two chairs. "Come and sit, and I shall tell you a tale of two sisters that pony society has long since forgotten."

Twilight followed and took her seat as Luna began.

"Long ago, though you may find it hard to believe, Princess Celestia and I were young. And as such, we were a bit... reckless with our newfound powers. In fact, once we had asserted ourselves as rulers of all of ponykind, we got used to the royal lifestyle. Unfortunately, our dear, dear mother raised us in the middle of the wilderness, in a simple cabin, so we had no experience with what civilized society calls alcohol. So, once we were introduced to it, unfortunately... well... we went what some might classify as 'overboard'.

Twilight sat in awe of Luna's revelation. "So... the two of you were... alcoholics?"

Luna laughed. "Alcoholics? There wasn't a word for what we were. We drank the entire kingdom dry, and then ordered more from far across the ocean. We weren't sober for at least fifty years. In fact, ever wonder why our rivals have yet to even utter a cross word to us?"

"No..." Twilight replied.

"Because we personally threatened every rival ruler with banishment to a dimension of pure torment until the end of time. Or, so we're told."

Twilight's expression dropped. "But... what about your policy of fostering global friendship and universal harmony?"

"It's as I said." Luna sighed, "Alcohol is not a friend of the alicorn. However, it seems as though my sister has been seduced by its siren song once again. Which is why you," she added, pointing a hoof at Twilight "Must go out into Canterlot, find her, and bring her back so I can restrict her to her room until she sobers up."

Luna glanced at the floor, raising an empty bottle of high-proof grain alcohol to her face. "My godness, Celestia, this could take the rust off of iron!" she said to herself, dropping the bottle back amongst the others. "At any rate, that is your mission. I will remain here, highly caffeinated, until you retrieve her."

A look of determination fell over the young Princess of Friendship. "I won't let you down, Princess Luna!"

"Twilight?" Luna asked, stopping her. "No one must know of this. Celestia's reputation is at stake."

She nodded. Summoning a hooded sweater from thin air, she put it on. Avoiding the paparazzi would only make this mission easier. With a flash of light, Twilight disappeared. Luna smiled as a knock on her sister's bedchamber drew her attention.

"Princess Luna?" A guard called from beyond the door. "The royal court is meeting in ten minutes."

"Stars help me to control my anger..." she groaned. "Very well, but bring me coffee at once!"

Twilight found herself outside the palace, in the middle of a bustling street. She dodged and darted around the taxi cabs and busy ponies until she finally made it to the sidewalk. Breathing a sigh of relief, she scanned the signs of the local business. The first establishment that caught her eye was the Elegant Pony, Canterlot's premiere eatery and wine cellar. If there was one place she would expect to find a princess, it would be there. Legend had it that it was so exclusive, that you had to hire a talented unicorn to go back in time and make reservations for your party, or there was no chance of getting a table.

Using her clout, she managed to get permission to scout the bar and dining area. Seeing no hint of the princess, she headed to the bar. Upon taking a seat on a very fancy, minimalist bar stool, the bartender approached her. "Your Highness, what may I have the pleasure of serving you?"

"Information." Twilight replied.

"Very good, one shot of information coming right up."

The unicorn bartender levitated a few different bottles above his head as he poured them into a tumbler.

"No, I need real information!" she exclaimed. "I need to know if Princess Celestia was in this bar."

The bartender's face soured. "Yes, Her Grace was here..." He glanced around suspiciously before leaning in close. "Please, Your Highness, I had to cut her off! She was going to drink us dry! Please don't throw me in the dungeons!" he pled mournfully.

Unsure of how to reply, Twilight simply stammered. "Um... okay, I won't throw you in the... did you say dungeons?"

"Oh, merci, My Liege, merci!"

Gathering herself, Twilight resumed her line of questioning. "Can you tell me where she went?"

"Of course, Princess. After she threatened my family and accused me of being an impotent lover, she mumbled something about heading to a bar where real ponies drank."

Twilight hung her head in her hooves. "Any idea where that might be?"

"The only bar frequented by the working class that I'm aware of is the Horn and Wings tavern." The bartender slid her the shot he'd made her. The glowing blue drink did look enticing. Well, he did go through the trouble of making it she thought. She threw it back, retching only slightly as it passed her tonsils.

"Sweet Celestia! Maybe not such a heavy hoof next time," she coughed, paying him and heading for the door. After traveling down the sidewalk toward a seedier section of town. After a bit of a walk, she found herself outside the tavern in question. It was certainly far less upscale than the one she'd left, but this was her only lead.

She pushed open the door just as another patron stumbled out into the street and promptly vomited. Twilight shuttered before heading inside. The interior was just as grim as the exterior. Tacky signs and aged, wooden paneling gave the place a much darker feel to it than the wagon wheel chandeliers might suggest. Twilight made her way to the bar through the smoky poker games and passed out drunks. The griffon behind the bar looked up from the mug he was polishing. He smoked a fat cigar and had tattoos down his arms, stopping at his talons. He seemed like an older gentlegriffon, and also as though he'd seen his fair share of craziness working behind the pine.

"Ah, a fresh face!" he said, switching his cigar from one side of his beak to the other. "Not too many of those in here lately. Name's Frosty Mug."

"Hello, I'm looking for a certain mare that I was told came in here." Twilight smiled.

"Well, I might be able to help. But first, can I get you something to drink?"

Twilight shook him off. "No thanks, I'm just after my mare."

"Okay then, what does this mare look like, exactly?" Frosty asked.

"Uhm... well... she's got a white coat, regal features, ethereal mane, a horn about twelve inches long, god-like powers, is this sounding like any who came in here?"

Frosty's eyes cut to his right. "You mean her?" Sure enough, at the end of the bar, a rather large pony in a black sweater and visor sat with a pyramid of overturned shot glasses. "She's been amazing for business! Bought my whole stock of bourbon!"

Twilight couldn't believe her eyes. The visor was upside down, and the sweater was only halfway zipped. It was as though Celestia had attempted to disguise herself, and given up halfway through. She rushed over to her mentor. "Princess Celestia! What in... your name are you doing here?!"

She turned her bleary eyes to her student and squinted at her for a few seconds. "Hey! I know you! Swilight Parkle, my most *hic* favorite s-student." The sun princess threw a hoof over Twilight's shoulder and locked her in a death grip of a hug. "You're like... the most rad student I ever *hic* had, like... ever," she whispered in her ear, the massive amount of alcohol the leader of their nation had drank wafting up Twilight's nose, nearly getting her drunk off fumes alone.

Twilight recoiled and managed to break her mentor's grasp. "Princess! You can't be seen drunk in public! You're a hero to millions!"

"Pfft..." she said "I don't want any of that mess. I jus wanna go live with Luna like we did back in the day. We used to raaaage like, super hard, you don't even know."

Twilight ignored her ramblings and charged a teleportation spell. "Princess, you'll thank me when you're sober, I'm taking you back to the palace." She fired the spell only to have it reflected back at her as she caught it in the chest and flew backwards into a few tables and chairs. Celestia busted out laughing, falling off her barstool as she rolled on the floor.

"Princess!" Twilight coughed, brushing herself off. "I'm trying to help you!" She shouted, her anger starting to show in her tone.

"Okay, okay..." Celestia wheezed, once she finally stopped laughing. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew?"

Twilight took a deep breath and calmed herself. "Knew what?"

"How quickly I can throw a reflection spell!" she laughed "Fastest horn in Equestria!" she said, tapping her horn. She studied her pupils face, finally realizing that she might have been acting like a bit of a jerk. "Okay, I apologize, Twilight. I'll take us back to the palace. Hang on." She closed one eye, charged a teleportation spell, and in a flash, they disappeared.

Celestia opened her eyes. This was not the palace. Not the palace at all. "Whoops, sorry about that Twilight, I forgot how hard this can be when you're not sober... Twilight?" She looked to her right to see Twilight gasping noiselessly, both hooves on her throat as she turned an even deeper shade of purple. Celestia paused, the gears in her mind turning just a tad bit slower than normal. "What are you... oh yeah, oxygen. Demi-alicorns need that don't they?" Celestia looked back towards the planet of equis as she kicked a moon rock. "Overshot just a bit."

In another flash, Celestia and Twilight were back on their planet, in the middle of the palace courtyard.

After Twilight caught her breath, she got to her hooves. "Princess, can we please just go see your sister?!"

Celestia couldn't help but feel for her student. It wasn't her fault her sister sent Twilight to find her. "Okay... let's go."

Twilight finally escorted her intoxicated ruler into the throne room where her sister waited, an expression of sheer boredom plastered across her face as a noble droned on and on about how his neighbors trees were too tall and obstructed his view of the mountains.

"Hey, hey, Luna!" Celestia called from the long end of the room. "Having fun with all these boring sods?"

Luna frowned. In the blink of an eye, a flash of magic struck Celestia square in the forehead. She fell to a heap on the red carpet and began snoring loudly. Luna stepped forward from the throne and parted the crowd of locals that began to murmur over the scene they'd just witnessed.

"My subjects, as you can see, my sister is not feeling well, and as such, all royal audiences have been cancelled for today." The guards began ushering the subjects out of the throne room as Luna stood over her sleeping sister and smiled. "I always let her think she was a faster mage than I." She looked to Twilight. "You've done a most admirable job. I trust you were able to keep her out of the public eye in this condition?"

Twilight exhaled sharply. "You could say that."

Luna smiled. "I knew you could be trusted. Come, let us take her chambers." In a flash, they found themselves tucking the solar princess into bed, but not before banishing all the empty cans and bottles in her chamber to another dimension.

"How long will she be asleep?" Twilight asked.

"The spell only lasts a few hours, but as long as she isn't disturbed, she should sleep until she is sober."

Twilight nodded slowly. "Okay, how long will that take?"

"I'd say anywhere from two to three days."

She gasped. "What? How, how is that even possible?"

Luna raised an eyebrow. "You witnessed how many empty bottles and flagons were in this chamber? Alicorn metabolism processes ale and mead much slower than a normal pony. Now, if you wish, you may take your leave."

Twilight sighed. "Well, wrangling the controller of the sun was pretty stressful, I think I need to relax a bit. I'm going to head to the library."

Luna nodded. "Very well, I'm going to take a nap until it is time for me to raise the moon. Hopefully the kingdom can run autonomously for a few hours."

A few hours later...

"Princess Celestia!" A series of bangs roused the still sauced princess from her bed.

She rose, bleary eyed from her sheets. "Wha...?

"Princess Luna is nowhere to be found, and the sun is still out!" the guard said from behind the door.

"So?" Celestia said after a lengthy pause.

"The city is panicking!"

"UGH!" She groaned, removing herself from bed and stumbling a bit into her nightstand. She threw the door open and growled at the guard before slamming it. She summoned a magical tap of beer and filled a red cup with it as she opened her balcony door. Below her, the city was in chaos.

"STOP!" She shouted, her voiced bringing every panicked pony to a halt. She refilled her beer and took a sip. "You ponies are completely insane! What'd I say? I said—said all I needed you to do was have friendship, and magic, or whatever, and now look! The sun's left up for like, an hour extra and you ponies freak out! Well, maybe I should take away the sun for a while! Huh? What do you nerds think of that? and another thing..."

Meanwhile, in the library...

Twilight awoke with a start, her face stuck to the worn out old page of a book in the musty Canterlot library to the distinctive sound of Celestia shouting. Looking down at her notes, she gathered herself and teleported to Celestia's balcony as she was mid-rant.

"And that was the first time I killed a hydra because I liked his hat, and then there was the time Luna and I snuck into what was then known as the Sea Pony capital, and—" A flash of magic washed over Celestia as she paused. Twilight stood behind her, concentrating as hard as she could, before releasing her.

Celestia blinked. She looked at the upside down visor on her head, and the beer in her magic. Her regal features flushed crimson as Luna teleported next to her.

"What the... what happened?" Celestia asked as the crowd of stunned ponies continued to stare at their rulers in silence.

Twilight stepped forward, beaming with pride. "I was in the Canterlot library creating a sobriety spell! Glad to see it worked."

Luna and Celestia turned to her. "Thank you so much for bringing my sister's... indiscretion to a close," Luna said. "I knew you were the right mare for the job."

Celestia turned to Luna and nodded. "Okay, I'll do it," Luna said. "But this is the last time, Celestia!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Last time for what?" A bright light washed over her, and she awoke with a start in her own bed as Spike belched out a scroll.

"Ugh, it's hardly even sunup, what could the Princesses want this early?" Spike complained.

Twilight paused. This seemed awfully familiar. "Spike, what does it say?"

The sleepy dragon broke the seal and unrolled the scroll.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Shining Armor and I are having a baby!

Love,

Princess Cadence

"What?!" Twilight shouted.

Back at the palace...

Luna sat across from Celestia, sipping tea, a disproving look across her face. "That's the third time in as many months one of us had had to erase the memories of the citizens."

Celestia sipped her tea. "I am aware. That simply cannot be good for them..."

"Well, what do you propose we do?" Luna asked. "We can't keep subjecting our kingdom to our drunken selves."

She nodded. "This is true. At least we've stopped drinking together." Celestia grinned. "Remember the last time we drank together?"

Luna stifled a giggle as well. "Indeed, but the world would be far less interesting without Discord, would it not?."

"What were we thinking?" Celestia laughed.

"Ah, those were the days..." Luna sighed. "But we didn't have a kingdom then, we didn't rule over anypony. We're admired, revered, and worshipped now. We simply can't continue like this. Are you ready for a life of sobriety for the foreseeable future? At least until the apocalypse?"

Celestia nodded. "It is for the best."

After a long pause, Luna spoke up. "So, what did you end up sending to Twilight in that letter after we sent her back to Ponyville?"

"Oh, just some news I received a few days ago. Cadence and Shining Armor are going to have a baby alicorn."

Luna spit out her tea. "A baby what? You mean, there are going to be five of us now?"

Celestia nodded. "I'm afraid so."

Luna rubbed her temples. "Ugh... I need a drink."