Lord Reference

by Isaac3924

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure, Crossover, Gore, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 36773

Man shows up in Equestria and has the power to reference different sources of media, but can't fully control it. Just sit back and watch as things go crazy. IT'LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Probably not.

Man shows up in Equestria.

Blah, blah, blah.

Finds out he has the powers of references, which allows him to do several things, but doesn't have direct control over it (DO NOT WANT MARY SUE).

Blah, blah, blah.

Shenanigans.

Blah, blah, blah.

Celestia and Luna use elements, turns him into a statue.

Blah, blah, blah.

Breaks free, a little less stable.

Blah, blah, blah.

PROFIT.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joining the Humans are villians hype train..... or rocket not really sure which, also first story, so some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism would be appreciated.

Also while not to be taken too seriously at times, there will be some serious parts in it. Seriously. I'm being super serial.

Also, also, Mature for language.

Published 2014-04-11 14:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-09 01:32:54 UTC

Chapter 1- After Ten Thousand years...

Chapter 1- After Ten Thousand years...

The ponies are an evil that must be annoyed it's true. Though not as evil as the birds... damnable feathered fiends, I thought to myself. I only read that on a wiki, I'm not even sure if that was a movie or a game.... damn, this power can be annoying at times. But it's sure as hell entertaining.

I 'looked' out to see if today was the day, for what felt like the one millionth time.... that day. But I didn't see a certain group of fillies or colts patrolling the statue gardens just yet, so I just 'sighed' to myself lamenting that I lost count on day 35,984.

Until I heard some arguing to my left.

"-ou a dictionary?"

Ah, that'd be the chicken.

For some reason or another I missed the group of fillies being led about by a single pinkish purple mare. They had been able to get to Discord's statue without my noticing their progression. I suppose that after a thousand years or so of imprisonment could dull a sharp mind.

Still, even though my mind might be little more than a measly shiv, it's quite effective when applied to the jugular.

"Confusion!"

"Evil!"

"Chaos!"

"It's not chaos you dodo!"

Ooh, ouch Sweetie, I mean you know your friend can't fly. What the hell's wrong with you?

I let them continue with their argument, paying more attention to the statue, knowing what was going to come next. Discord's statue began to glow purple in the center as the ponies moved on followed by a crack forming. But then the ponies came in front of my pedestal.

"So, my little ponies, can anyone tell me what they think this is a statue of?" Cheerilee asked her gathered class, "With no arguing this time?" she added, staring pointedly at the crusaders.

"It looks silly."

"Pretty weird."

"Why's it look like it's dancing?"

"I just don't get it...."

"Whatever it is, it's ugly, so it really doesn't matter does it?" Hmphed the small pale pink filly in towards the middle of the crowd.

Bitch, I'll cut you.

Cheerilee sighed at Diamond Tiara's remark but continued, "Well you're all right in a way, this statue here is a representation of an old legend in Equestria. A menace that went around spreading confusion and havoc. Most called it King Folly or Manic."

I groaned internally.

That's not even the name I chose for myself, why does Celestia feel the need to name things..... And lie. No wonder she lost the elements, honesty is NOT her forte.

When the group was done gawking and proceeded deeper into the garden a good distance a resounding crack was heard, bringing my gaze back to the now former statue of Discord.

The draconequus stretched, moaning snapping his claws, rearranging the statues near him into more comedic poses.

"Ahh, good to stretch the old bones." He begins to shake one of his mismatched legs, followed by it falling off and hopping about.

Hey! Q! Heeey!

One of his ears perks up and he turns to face me "What's this?"

He presses his face closer to my own stony visage.

"Well, well, well. I heard about you!" He said somewhat amused, "Imprisoned by the princesses a bit after my falling through on the whole," he rotated his paw around his wrist, literally, in a full three hundred sixty degree circle, "reign of chaos thing I had going."

Yeah, yeah. Whatever, just lemme outta here before you get imprisoned again, I said trying to get him to hurry it up.

Discord leaned back his eyes widening a bit, feigning shock.

"Me? Back in that stone prison?" He snorted, "I think not. I, my petrified friend, have a plan."

Which won't amount to bupkiss, I deadpanned.

Discord was about to retort, but I cut him off before he could. Listen, I've got a proposition, and it's a win-win for you. Put a spell on the statue to release me if you get caught again. I'm pretty chaotic myself and I could maybe break you out again. Otherwise, keep me as a statue forever, if you do succeed. Hell, feel free to gloat in front of me for decades for winning.

Discord stroked his long gangly goatee, mulling it over.

"Hmmmm, very well!" He snapped his fingers.

I sighed internally. Finally! I'm almost home free.

"Unlikely, my avian feces coated friend! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some beautiful chaos to wreak! I'll come back for you later, you'll make a wonderful lawn gnome."

He snapped his fingers and disappeared in a flash, the leg that had been removed from his body earlier, and had been hopping about disappeared as well after a few seconds.

Well, nothing to do now but sing old cartoon themes songs.

Life is like a hurricane, here in duckburg.

-His brain's overloading, it has a chocolate coating. Textbook case for Sigmund Freud, Freakazoid, Freakazoid.

Really, cartoon theme songs for hours in my head. One would think that they'd get bored of that after centuries of the same-old shpiel. But hey, different strokes for different folks, right?

He's here to save the nation, so stay tuned to this station. If not, we'll be unemployed, Freakazoid, Freakazoid. Freakazoid!

As if almost on cue a bright light shown somewhere in the distance, a blinding white flash expanded towards the garden, overtaking all of Canterlot.

Finally, now I can.... move....... again....... Oh, LUNA'S TIDAL MAREHEAT! REALLY?!

For whatever reason I still couldn't break out of my stony prison. Maybe it was because Discord's magic was nullified by a blast of the orbital friendship cannon, or it could have been due to Discord wishing to fuck around with me, really any of the two were likely.

What I wouldn't give for a branch of yore right now.

Sighing internally I resigned myself to never be set free again, or to the more likely event, at the most inopportune time possible.

.........Sonic, he can really move. Sonic, he's got an attitude.

Stay shisou na imeeji wo someta gikochinai tsubasa demo. Kitto toberu sa on my love.

Yes, even Japanese songs. When you've spent as long as I have in a single space without moving you tend to go through every tid-bit of knowledge you know to stave off the boredom.

About a day and half had passed already, by now the mane six had most likely went through their episode IV routine and were probably heading back to Ponyville via train soon. I, meanwhile, had a few guards and staff standing in front of me cleaning up after the bit of the celebration that had happened outside.

When, as was predictable, my prison began to crack, drawing the attention of the ponies in front of me.

Welp. Better make a good first impression.

As the stone blasted off of me, I got into a crouching position as soon as I could while the dust from the resulting explosion still covered me.

When the dust finally cleared I rose up waving my arms as a kick-ass electric guitar started playing from nowhere. I was now decked out in a weird orange poofy dress, with the Madona spike bra over my torso. My hair was now gray and shaped into two separate horns coming off of either side of my head, held together by some brown cloth. I was holding a staff in my left hand that had a crescent moon with a red gem lodged towards the middle of the moon. My face hadn't changed of course, it was still that same blank green of the skin suit I had fashioned and donned for myself after the ponies pissed me off to no end. But that's a story for another chapter.

"Ahh!" I sighed out in a corny raspy woman's voice. "After ten thousand years I'm free!" Yes, I was taking liberties, so sue me. "It's time to conquer Equestria!" I pointed towards the moon, making all the ponies stare at me confusedly. I held the pose for maybe another fifteen seconds before I tilt my body a bit pointing at the castle.

Don't know why, but this causes all the ponies to flee, including the guards, which I'm hoping were just fresh recruits, otherwise things would get boring.

Jumping off my pedestal, my clothes shift back to normal, the staff disappearing. As I hit the ground I'm back to my standard black-and-white checkered suit with a red tie hanging down over my white button up shirt. Atop my head sat my wonderful piece of headgear that was so fine that Gaben himself could only dream to create a mere facsimile of it in his hat simulator. That, and count to three......... Okay it was a fedora, but hey it completed the look, and when done right can actually work with an outfit.

Spotting the guards heading into the castle, as I brushed off some of the gravel on my shoulder, I suspected that they were most likely headed to the oh so royal Sun-butt to report my my escape.

"Meh, let's see what the mane six are doing," I shrugged nonchalantly.

One way or another an encounter with Celestia and Luna would happen, might as well make them work for it instead of rushing things along.

I curled up my right hand into a familiar gesture, webbing shot out my wrist and hit one of the towers and attached itself while I leaped off the ground and used the newly formed pseudo rope/vine to swing towards the train station as a tune began to play.

"Dat animation."

Author's Note

Right, first chapter's done. Not sure where I'm going with this but we'll see the general response. Also updates will most likely NOT be regular. Due to life, school, and me being a grade-A lazy fuck.

Chapter 2- I am Known as...

Chapter 2- I am Known as...

Swinging around the buildings, I took in the sight of Canterlot below me. Things had changed drastically over the years.

The ponies were going about their tasks in the evening, some of the shops closing and putting away their wares. Others were lounging about in restaurants chatting, talking about whatever they wished, not particularly listening to what the other had to say. I swear, all the snobs in this place! You'd think the town would be covered in smug. Practically all the ponies walked with their snouts held in the air. Like at a ninety degree angle! It was a mystery that they didn't run into each other while they walked.

As for the city itself, the glittering white and gold buildings shone in the evening dusk. Maybe a little too much, I was blinded at several points and had numerous close calls with vendors due to the glint coming off most of the buildings, and trying to work back some of the feeling of my body.

I did unfortunately knock a pile of produce off of one cart after an especially close call, it was followed by a rather loud, "My cabbages!" To which I shrugged while continuing forward on my quest.

Though I was sorely tempted to stop at donut Joe's for some deliciously fried goodness, I continued on. Knowing that I could fulfill my bodily desires later in my endeavors.

Before I knew it, I had already arrived at the station. The train to Ponyville, the pink saccharine (though not as much as Sugar Cube Corner, but at least that was forgivable) travesty was beginning to chug, seeming ready to go at any moment.

Angling myself, I slung the last line of web as I moved my body sideways to get through one of the windows, knowing that with my luck it would probably contain the ponies I was looking for.

I hummed a little tune.

"George, George, George of the jungle! Watch out for that train!"

I then let loose a wailing cry as I sped forward to imminent pain.

Ugh, my head.

I know it was spur of the moment, but really, not one of my best decisions in life.

"What in tarnation?!" a Southern voice cried out as my vision cleared.

Well it looks like I was right about my luck.

Looking down are six pairs of eyes wide with confusion, staring at me lying on the floor with glass shards all scattered about. My body is splayed on the floor, due to going rag-doll because of the whole window stunt. But for generations to come these mares will tell stories to their grand-foals of how I showed that window what-for.

But I digress.

Rarity was looking at me with an aghast expression on her face, seemingly horrified by my sudden appearance. However knowing her she was probably more horrified with my actual appearance. She probably wanted to sequin my suit and glitter-glue diamonds and rubies all over it. Pinkie Pie just seemed to be holding back a laugh, her cheeks puffed up and a little red with a hoof to her mouth, her bright blue eyes filled with glee. Applejack was looking at me with mostly an expression of surprise mixed with a dash of confusion. However, knowing her she'd probably attack me immediately if things went south, and I do not want to experience an Apple family brand buck to the face. So I resolved to stay away from her for a bit, in the very likely instance that shit would hit the fan. Fluttershy was getting out from under the seat, most likely hiding under it due to my DASHING entrance. She seemed to be torn between helping me and being afraid of me. Bless her little pony heart. Note to self, don't make her cry, or else I might just have to commit seppuku. Rainbow was giving me a glare while she was hovering in the air, obviously more wary of me of the others. She probably thinks I'm sort of spy or something, still, the more realistic response to the situation out of any of the six mares. Also, I'd have to be doubly careful with her, what with her speed and crashing into me equaling not fun. As for Twilight, she was also holding an expression of shock similar to Applejack's, but instead of a hint of confusion, Twilight had more of a dash of curiosity in her face, looking like she wanted to poke and prod me with whatever she could get her hooves on. Or maybe she wanted to cut me open and measure my entrails.... that expression was a little creepy.

I decided to just lay there for a bit, playing dead, while staring up at them. They wouldn't be able to tell that I was actually looking at them due to my skin-suit covering my entire face. I would also let the now moving train, which shook below me (also jostling my body, making it easier to hide my shallow breathing) carry me to Ponyville for as long as possible. It was probably just about to leave Canterlot's borders.

The mares slowly crowded around my body moving a bit warily, aside from Pinkie who of course was hopping around.

"Is it alive?" Rarity asked no one in particular, while prodding my arm with a hoof daintily.

Fluttershy leaned in her head, one of her ears perked up to listen for breathing coming from my mouth, but at the last moment, Applejack pulled back her tail with her mouth, which caused Fluttershy to let out an adorable "eep" that almost made me grip my heart from diabeetus.

"Be careful, sugar cube!" Applejack said, while she spat out Fluttershy's tail. "Ya probably don' want to mess with that there uh... um..." She scrunched up her face while she continued to look at me. "Twi? Any idea what this thing here is?"

Before Twilight could postulate on my species, origin, or maybe my intentions, I decided to just go ahead and introduce myself.

Sort of.

I rose straight up from the ground, causing the six to scramble back on their hooves in surprise. I was now wearing a red trench coat with a large collar completely surrounding my neck. The coat itself had red buttons all along the front of it, my right arm was covered by one long sleeve of the coat while my left arm was completely bound up by a brown leather like material along with belts that held the leather tightly to my arm. There was now blonde spiky hair atop my head that gave me an extra four inches in height.

I continued rising to my full height not looking at any pony in particular, just staring straight ahead out one of the windows right in front of me.

With my chin sticking out a little, I then said, "I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidaboherez."

I pause.

"Um, Mr. Vale-" Twilight says, before I begin again.

"Gambigobella Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andre Charton-Haymoss Ivanovicci Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser the Third." I lean down with my hand extended to whichever pony who is currently in front of me, who turns out to be Twilight staring up at me a little gob-smacked. "Don't hesitate to call-"

A blinding white flash suddenly illuminates the whole carriage, coming a little ways down the aisle. By the time I and the mane six blink the spots out of our eyes, the origin of the teleport flash is revealed. And to be honest it's not all that surprising.

"Ah! I see ye royal whitey has decided to grace us with her presence." I bow sarcastically to her, twirling my hand from my face to my side. My clothes already back to normal.

Celestia stands about a good seven feet away from me staring me down, giving me that there evil eye. Really, just the one eye, as if I'm not worth a full-on glare. I suppose that I should remind her that I am deserving of such an honor. It will probably take a while. Seems most of the mane six have already decided I'm their enemy. Probably has something to do with what Celestia's talking about right now. She gets so butt-hurt, it's really quite funny. I suppose now's as good as time as any to listen though.

"-ass destruction of property, psychological trauma on no less of forty two thousand seven hundred and fifty six accounts-"

"Did you really go and count them all?" I ask a little wide eyed. Seriously, you'd thinking guiding the sun around would be a full-time job.

She continues regardless, "And hundreds of thousands of accounts of physical trauma. What do you have to say for yourself?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I plead the fifth."

Whoah. Full on death glare of doom from Celestia, so easy to push her buttons.

The white bitch stamps her hoof into the ground. "This isn't a game, Manic you will be-"

A strip of silver slaps across her snout cutting off her dumb tirade.

I stand there twirling a roll of said material in one of my fingers, smirking at her, the lines of my smile showing on my mask. "Man I love duct tape." I lean towards Rarity on my left who leans away from me, "I love how it tapes." I lean towards Twilight on my right who tries standing a little more firm than her friend, but still sweats at my proximity, "I love the sound it makes." I then lean down to Pinkie Pie at my front who was grinning from ear-to-ear enjoying my shenanigans. At least she can take a joke. "I love saying it. Duct tape. Duct tape. Duct tape." Pinkie then picks up on what I'm doing and joins in.

"Duct tape."

"Duct tape."

"Duct tape."

"Duct tape."

"Duct tape."

"Duct ta-"

A burning wad of former duct tape then whizzes towards me, to which I lean a little to my left to dodge. I look up to see Celestia giving me the same glare as before, but with noticeably less fur on her lips.

"Love the new style Celly." I pop out a pair of shades that causes Rainbow to do a double-take. "Much grace, so trend, such poise." I lean the sunglasses down a bit, "You probably don't even need Havel's armor."

"Enough." Ooh, a bit of the royal equestrian voice was in that, might want to tread a little more lightly now.

"Manic, you will be coming with me back to your cell."

I stop. My whole body freezing at the implication. The glasses disappearing.

A full fifteen seconds pass before I say, "Hold on," while raising my hand, fingers splayed. "You want me, to come with you willingly, so you can just re-petrify and put me back in the garden?"

"But of course." She replies simply.

I look around me to see the mane six's reaction, all of them are in battle stances ready to tackle me at any moment. Aside from Pinkie and Fluttershy of course, they being more hesitant in their reaction, but nonetheless guarded.

I hang my head in despair, hoping that at least I'd get something a bit better from them, but still, realistically I was expecting this much. "And here, I thought that friendship was magic." I say, causing at least Twilight to buckle at my statement.

I begin to chuckle a bit, then rise into a cackle, until I'm at full blown Mark Hammill laugh. All of the mares move back as far as they can from me, their flanks hitting seats and the walls of the train car in progress. Even Celestia seems to be disturbed by my outburst, her stoic face showing a crack of nervousness for a split second which she quickly hides.

I'm pounding my fist on the top of one of the seats, my laughter dying down until I'm slumping against it. Sighing, I push myself up and look dead on at Celestia "I'm never going back to that hell-hole." The seriousness in my voice actually surprises Celestia a lot more than that outburst I had earlier, "Being stuck in the same place for over a thousand years? Do you know what that does to the mind?" I step towards her, even though she is frightened of how serious I'm acting instead of the regular silliness I tend to pull, she stays where she is. "You try to bide your time with what you can, watching ponies go by, reminiscing, but it all gets boring over time. Eventually, I went mad, of course. But after a few centuries, I got bored of that too, and went sane. Very sane." Celestia still holds her ground as I advance another step. "So I'm afraid anymore time I spend in that accursed state could end quite badly if I were to escape again." I hold up my hands plaintively. "You might as well just let me roam about for no- Hey, is that a demonic duck of some sort!" Celestia turns her head around her to see where I'm pointing, only to gawk at the red feathered pony sized duck with black curved horns sticking out of its head. "Everywhere I go, I get used as a distraction..." The duck grumbles to itself.

I press my advantage and jump out another window.

Wait, hold on.

.........

Oh, come on!

We already went over how much this hurt the first time! Now I've got to do it again?!

Fine! Pain and more pain.

Really, I crash through it, and then land outside at terminal train velocity. I of course form up into a ball, to mitigate some of the force, and land a little more safely. Rolling down a hill, I eventually hit some plains and lose my forward momentum.

Groaning, I stand up and shake my fist at the sky/author.

And then proceed to wipe shards of glass and dirt from my suit.

Looking around, I remember where I am, a good few miles north of the Everfree, meaning that Ponyville should be close by as well. I look towards the train tracks and see that the engineers designed them to weave around forest areas so as to cause as a little damage as possible to the environment. Good for the environment, but making trips much longer. Grinning to myself, I realize I can probably make it to Ponyville about the same time as the train arrives.

I take my first step forward noting a caravan of ponies a little farther ahead of me, I decide that I may as well be cordial to them and was about to call to them, before a black box appears at the bottom of my vision.

You have been invaded by the Nudist Invader.

A song starts playing in the air. I know what is coming.

Quickly, my outfit changes to a hooded outfit, a curvy sword in both of my hands, resting on my shoulder.

A red and black figure with a strange horned helmet starts running towards me from the trees his bows flailing upon his backside, making quite audible slaps.

However he stops when he reaches me, a red exclamation mark appearing over his head. Along with the Metal gear sound playing, stopping the music. Dramatic, dark and disturbing music starts playing, until he drops a burlap bag in front of me. I pick it up and quickly change.

I now wear the same helmet as he, along with a loin cloth over my green skin suit. Two giant bows in both of my hands, as peppy music begins to pick up. I begin running forward slapping my ass, my newly acquired friend following me.

We run through the caravan as ponies either hide in wagons, or just stare dumbly at the scene in front of them. One colt bursts out laughing and rolls around on the floor. Ignoring their reactions I orient myself in the direction I believe Ponyville would be, and continue forward in my quest.

Author's Note

Right people, I made another one o' these things. Some more comments of what you think would be appreciated, ACTUALLY, any comments at all would be great. Hell, tell your friends about the story, tell your family, tell that one awkward kid in class who sits in the corner and stares at you the whole class period because you took pity on him and gave him a baloney sandwich one day when some of your peers ruined his lunch, and OH G-D WHY DID I GIVE HIM THAT BALONEY SANDWICH!?! Now he won't stop staring at me and breathing heavily down my neck when he's behind me!!!!!

Yeah, tell that guy too (shameless plug is shameless).

Aside from that, don't expect a new chapter from me for awhile. Got Passover coming up, meaning eight days of dietary suffering, a test in Calc, going home to get to talk to managers of stores to get a job during the summer.

Yeah. This week's going to SUCK for me.

Chapter 3- Got any Cookies...

Chapter 3- Got any Cookies...

It was a beautiful day out. The sun was shining, birds singing, ponies hiding.

Really, you think running through the middle of the town square slapping your ass with a pair of giant bows for all to see would cause at least a little bit of laughter instead of mass panic. Maybe even confusion, but it seems a thousand years didn't overly change pony nature. The moment something mysterious and unknown came into town all the ponies began screaming and ranting about the monster and rushed into their houses dropping their things to lay strewn about the road.

It's probably the whole herd mentality thing.

At least the invader left after jumping off a cliff without estusing, so that probably was to my benefit.

By the time I reached the deserted market my ass-slapping had apparently run its course as the bows dissipated and my clothes changed back to normal.

Staring around, the stalls were vacant, no one attending to the various produce and trinkets that were left for the taking. Shrugging, I began searching for one stall in particular. I stood upon what I assumed was Carrot Top's stand munching on a carrot a la Bugs Bunny, scanning the market.

After about a minute of panning back and forth I spotted what I had been searching for.

In the leftmost corner of the gathered stalls was a stand that held a bounty of brightly shining apples.

Smiling from ear to ear I hopped from stand to stand using some of the fabric roofs as pseudo trampolines to gain more air and ground.

I landed hard in front of my prize. The Apple family stall seemed to glisten even more now that it was so close, the sun reflecting off of the perfectly crisp skin of the apples.

I slowly reached my hand down and grasped a big firm apple in my fist. Raising it to my mouth I pulled the lower portion of the mask up so I could take a humongous bite of the succulent fruit.

My teeth dug into it and savored the juice running down my throat. This was worth waiting a thousand years for. Now I've just got to figure out how to get my hands on some zap apple pie and cider.

Grabbing a few more apples for the road, which I slipped into my pockets, I pivoted on the point, my foot pointed outwards to walk about the town.

Until I pivoted back around to the stand, dug through my jacket and produced several old kingdom bits upon the stall. Following that, I then head off to see if any ponies around the town had not heard about my arrival yet, so I could make a somewhat good impression with somepony.

[3rd Person: Button]

Button Smash's head was sticking out from the side of a building as he peered down an alleyway.

"You see, Sweetie Belle, it doesn't matter what you do, you'll always be a good for nothing blank flank."

Diamond Tiara's voice echoed out from the alley. She had cornered Sweetie Belle at one point along with Silver Spoon and a third bigger pony that was wearing a disheveled bow tie, that was haphazardly tied around the stallion's neck.

"It doesn't matter who you go to, we can do whatever we want to you because we're just better than a useless pony like you."

Silver nodded along.

"But if you keep tattling like this, Skull here might just resort back to his violent tendencies. He was part of a gang."

She tapped her hoof to the ground and the servant pony with his ridiculous mohawk stepped forward and leaned down over the trembling white filly.

"Hey you!" Spittle was flung into Sweetie's face from Skull's exclamation, "I'll call over some of my homies if you don' stop bothering the lil' princess o'er here Ya'knowwha'Imean?!" He was making rapid motions with his wings while doing so, trying to appear like a real gangster, but in actuality looking like a moron. Which is what he was.

Button wanted to help Sweetie out of course, but he knew he couldn't just go in there, telling them to stop, he'd probably get beaten up.

He began to form the idea that if he just acted like he ran into her and they needed to get somewhere together he could probably save her. Right before he entered the alley a voice spoke up behind him.

"Bullies?"

Button turned to the voice.

"You're going to stop them?"

It turned out the voice was coming from a rather large creature that was standing on its hind legs for some reason.

It was wearing a black coat with a fluffy trim laying around the shoulders and hood that was hanging off the back, the trim was also along the cuffs and bottom of the coat. It had on black pants and a shirt. And atop of its green faceless head was a short mane of black hair.

Even though Button couldn't see a face on the creature he had a feeling that it was looking down at him, considering him.

It eventually gained a sort of smirk like outline on its face and began walking into the alley, pushing Button along with its bottom hoof thing, while Button skid across the ground.

"U-umm... Huh? What? Wh-what? Huh?" The whole way through, Button stuttered out his confusion, while the group they were heading towards began to take notice. "W- Wait a sec!"

The thing then shoved Button forward causing him to stumble, regaining his balance between Sweetie and Diamond's entourage.

Diamond glared down at Button, her attention focused on him.

"What do you want?"

"W-well..." Button began.

"Bullying is lame." The thing interrupted, causing everypony to look at it.

It continued walking towards them, its front hoof things in the coat's pockets. "It's not good."

"What's this got to do with you, freak?" Silver Spoon asked.

It stopped about two feet away from the ponies and bowed its head a bit before responding, "Yeah, whether you guys get beaten to a pulp right here and end up dying on the roadside doesn't have anything to do with me. Even if I punch you, and even if you call me a freak even though I'm more beautiful than you'll ever be... Still means we have nothing to do with each other."

"Huh?" Diamond says looking upset with the rambling nonsensical creature.

It lifted its head a bit looking down at Tiara, "Ponies are really weak, aren't they?" A smile was apparent in its voice.

"Well, hurting fillies isn't one of my hobbies." It said nonchalantly as it moved its right arm a bit.

A whistling sound was heard from Button as his ear twitched. While nopony else took notice, instead focusing on the creature.

Slowly, Diamond's tiara fell from her head hitting the ground, causing her to look at it confusedly.

The creature then stepped forward closer to Diamond causing her to sweat, while he leaned down and pick up the glittery headwear.

As it picked up the crown it said, "That's why I'll make it my hobby..." It now held the crown within its grasp and was dangling it in front of Diamond's face "... to stomp on their..." It then dropped the tiara back on the ground, "hats."

As it clattered to the ground the thing then immediately lowered its appendage upon it, actually causing a dent.

Everyone let out a gasp as the creature began to stomp on the crown repeatedly as it let loose a maniacal laugh.

The ponies moved their eyes and heads up and down watching the motion of where its hoof should be, continuing to dent the headpiece.

After what felt like a minute, its foot abruptly stopped an inch away from the now heavily dented crown.

"And now I'm bored." It looked directly at Diamond Tiara a smile creasing its face. "It's no longer my hobby to stomp on hats."

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon huddled together, letting out another gasp in fright.

Tiara looked behind her at her dumbstruck lackey.

"S-Skull!" She called, out trembling.

The moron immediately puffed out his wings and ran up to the creature, standing in front of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. "Yo! Yo! Yo!! Hey, dawg!!!" He then began making strange movements with his wings again.

"You're gonna get violent? Wow, I'm so scared!" The thing said sarcastically as it leaned back a bit.

"Y-You bastard!" Skull lunged forward with a hoof to strike the thing, but it spun on its side letting out a, "Whoa!", as it quickly moved its front arms above its head, while skull stumbled into a fall missing the thing. An arc flashed through the air close to Skull's head along with a loud slashing noise. While the creature moved its arms.

With its arms still raised in the sky, it proclaimed "I surrender!" with a sort of playfulness.

As Skull lifted up his head a sudden breeze began to blow, causing his mohawk along with parts of his fur on his scalp to slowly blow away. Leaving a shiny dome atop his head.

Skull quickly got to his hooves and began stuttering while turning around for Diamond Tiara to see his new mane style. The two fillies, now very afraid that their muscle was harmed in such a way, even superficially, caused them to scream and run out of the alley, while Skull yelled, "Wait! Wait for me!" as he quickly ran after them. Leaving Button and Sweetie to stare up at the stallion as he tripped over his own hooves in fright.

A laugh caused them to look back up to their strange savior, "That was a good one." It said aloud as its clothes changed into a suit and tie.

The being then turned to go back in the other direction of the alley where Button was originally watching. Only for Sweetie to run up to it before Button could stop her.

Sweetie caught up and tugged on its pants leg with her mouth. Causing the creature to stop and look down at the filly.

Button gulped afraid of what the creature would do to Sweetie.

"Th-thanks for helping me out mister." Sweetie stuttered out, shaking a little, despite her gratitude.

The thing stared at her for five seconds before it slowly crouched down to her level.

It then quickly shot its hand to the top of her head, causing Sweetie to flinch, and button to yell in fright. Only for Sweetie to let out a humming noise as it began to scratch her behind the ear.

It continued to do so for about ten seconds, muttering "I always wanted to do that," before it stopped and moved its hand to its knee, causing Sweetie to pout. "There's no need to thank me little lady," it said. "In fact, if it weren't for your knight in shining armor over there," it gestured over to Button causing him to blush. "I'd never have known what was happening in the first place. Besides," it moved its front claw in a circular motion, "he'd probably would have taken care of it anyways." It then leaned into Sweetie's ear, mock loud whispering, "Don't let a catch like that get away." Causing both of the young ponies to blush.

"Now if you'll excuse me my fair maiden," it said as it rose back up to its full height. "I have places to be."

"Hold on!" squeaked out Sweetie Belle, her voice hitting an octave, still recovering from the previous embarrassment. "It's only proper for a lady to reimbu- reim- to give back to a gentlestallion who has helped her." She raised her snout up a bit, channeling Rarity.

"Really, its fine." The creature said. "Helping you two was reward enough. Now I'll just be on my-"

"No!" Sweetie Belle squeaked even louder. "Rarity always taught me to help other ponies who helped you. And even though you're not a pony..." She stared up at the strange faceless figure, "We need to help you equally!" She asserted with a hoof stomp.

"Hmmmm..... equivalent exchange eh?" the thing tapped one of its stubby claws against its chin as Button began to sweat nervously. He played enough video games to know that this thing could just be lulling them into a false sense of security so it could do something to them. Maybe it was a demon that wanted their souls?

A loud snapping sound echoed through the alley causing both foals to flinch, remembering the recent antics of a certain draconequus. "How about some information?" Button began to ready himself to charge out of the alley with Sweetie if it asked for things like the location for the elements of harmony, or Celestia's weakness, or something.

"Where's the library?" Button visibly deflated. He was really expecting an evil cackle of some kind.

Sweetie merely raised her hoof pointing in the direction of the library.

She opened her mouth to give instructions but the thing interrupted her.

"No, no. Direction's good enough for me." It then pulled out a weird L-shaped black object with what looked like a three pronged hook attached to the end.

It then pointed the hook portion straight up, followed by the hook launching in the direction it was pointed with a rope attaching it to the object.

The hook lodged itself into an overhanging roof of a building, followed by the figure holding the launcher to then be lifted up by the rope, while knocking over a trash can. Halfway up, the figure stopped ascending and hung there with its lower appendages bent and raised.

It looked down at Button and Sweetie Belle, yelled, "Grappling hook!" and then was carried the rest of the way up to the roof to which it promptly climbed over and began running across.

The two foals just stared where the strange creature was previously, followed by them both shrugging and walking towards Sugar Cube Corner for milkshakes, already quite used to the strangeness that is Ponyville.

[3rd Person: Twilight]

Twilight was upset. Manic was of course the main cause, but she wasn't upset with the strange being.

Nor was she upset with the fact that just after dealing with Discord another enemy from Equestria's past decided to pop up. Leaving her and her friends to deal with its antics. That wasn't much of an issue after overcoming the brainwashing Discord had placed upon the group. In fact, it had made their friendship grow stronger for it.

Rather, she was upset with herself. Manic had appeared in front of her and her friends and proceeded to ramble and make a fool of himself, without even bothering to defend itself. If she had subdued him then and there, things would have been much easier. And she could have saved face with the Princess.

Still, Celestia, being as wonderful as ever, assured her not to worry and calmed her down before Twilight gave herself a magical aneurysm.

Celestia had assured Twilight that she would send the guard out for now, allowing Twilight and her friends much needed respite. Nonetheless, Twilight still held herself responsible for Manic's escape.

Her friends had noticed her disappointment and had decided to cheer her up with a slumber party, preferably one with less tension than the one she had with Applejack and Rarity.

Already deciding to hold it in Twilight's house, the Golden Oak Library, due to the amount of room it held, they immediately set off for their destination when the train pulled into the station.

Walking from the station to the library however, the six immediately took notice of the lack of ponies around town.

"Whadda ya'll think happened here?" Applejack asked no one in particular as she surveyed the saddle bags and other belongings that seemed to have just been dropped and left without a care.

"I'm not sure," Twilight said, "but we best stick together, girls. We don't know what could have caused this..." Though Twilight already had a hunch.

"Psh, it doesn't matter Twi." Rainbow Dash spoke up. "I could probably take whatever scared everypony with one hoof behind my back!" She then began to jab a hoof in the air while hovering in place.

"Rainbow Dash, darling," Rarity said, "need we remind you that as soon as we split up in that horrid Discord's maze, you were ousted just like the rest of us?"

"Eheh," Rainbow rubbed a hoof behind her head, "good point Rares."

"Look, girls our best course of action is to head to the library to see if Spike knows anything." Twilight said. "If it's nothing major, then we'll let it blow over. But, if it's something dangerous," Twilight gained a determined look in her eye, "then we'll deal with it."

All the mares nodded in affirmation, aside from Fluttershy who was still cowering a bit behind Pinkie.

Together, the six trotted slowly down the cobbled road towards Twilight's domicile.

However, by the time they were within 10 feet of the house, they heard a voice that sounded somewhat familiar.

Getting closer, they were then able to make out what the voice was saying.

"-on an afterschool special."

Twilight's right eye twitched.

She KNEW that voice.

Moving as quickly and quietly as she could, she sped ahead of the group and approached the nearest window the voice was emanating from.

Leaning over the edge, along with the rest of her friends who had caught up, she peered into her kitchen.

Only to find Manic sitting on a chair, across from Spike, both of them drinking tea. Manic's hat had been replaced with crazy black hair with a white stripe that looked like a lightning bolt running through it.

Not understanding the situation and a little shocked, she sat there and listened to Manic converse with Spike.

"Mary and Sally. Best friends, they did absolutely everything together. Then one day, Mary fell in with the *wrong* crowd. And Mary didn't have time for Sally anymore. Sally'd say, 'wanna go play a game or pretend we're kitties?' And Mary would say, 'uh-uh, I'm in with the wrong crowd.' Sally was so sad she ran home, climbed up a tree and started eating cookies. A ton of cookies. She got huge. Huuuuge. Huuuuuuuge. Huuuuuuge!" Manic's head was resting in one of its.... hands, if Twilight remembered minotaur physiology correctly. "Got any cookies Spike?"

Spike stared for a bit at Manic before slowly saying, "Suuure, lemme just look in the cupboard."

Not taking any more of this, Twilight immediately charged up a teleportation spell, and popped right on the table in front of Manic.

"Manic, you're coming with us to Canterlot to pay for yo-"

A clenched fist quickly entered Twilight's mouth, interrupting her. "Yeah, no. I'm not going back there, at least not yet. By the way," he brought her closer and sniffed her breath on his arm. His nose crinkled and he said, "I think you need a breath mint. Also, sorry in adavance."

"Mrrph?"

Twilight was lifted up by the arm that her mouth was still attached to and then promptly tossed across the kitchen.

"What the buuuuuuu- Oof!" she then impacted against the charging Rainbow Dash, causing them to land hard on the ground, their legs tangled.

The two mares shook their heads to better get their bearings, to see Manic, still stitting there, shaking the hand that was formerly in Twilight's mouth. "Yuch! I do not see how you ponies can stick hooves into each other's mouths. Especially Pinkie Pie's you'd think that you'd get diabetes with coming into contact with that mare's saliva."

While Rainbow and Twilight began to untangle themselves, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy all galloped their way into the kitchen. Applejack made for the only other exit of the room, while getting the other three to surround Manic.

He just sat there in the chair, not bothering to get up, wiping off Twilight's spittle against her table.

Eventually, with Twilight and Rainbow now standing in the circle around Manic, the mares all glared at him.

Taking note of the prolonged silence, Manic's green head looked up at the rather irate mares.

".......Was it something I said?"

"You threw Twilight at me." Rainbow growled out through clenched teeth.

"That was self defense." Manic's arms crossed in front of his torso. "You were going to brain me at terminal velocity."

"What! No I was-"

"How fast were you going?"

Rainbow was about to answer, her mouth opened up, she thought about it, and then slowly closed her mouth, muttering a "Whoops." And then looked to the side.

"It doesn't matter," Twilight interjected. "Manic, or whoever you-"

"They call me," somehow, Manic was now standing on the edge of the table, hunched over, with his hands in front of his feet. He was now wearing a green wing and had a humongous red boa on his back. For some reason even though the six mares had been watching him the whole time, they hadn't even seen him move to a different position nor the appearance of the additional accessories. He then stood to his full height atop the table, struck a pose and finished, "Green-skinned wacky man!" His shout echoed a bit, followed by him jumping to the ground, resuming the same strange couching pose, "But I prefer, Lord Reference."

"As I was saying," Twilight continued undaunted. "You're coming with us to pay for your crimes."

"And what would those be?" Reference was nonchalantly twisting finger into an ear.

"What?" Twilight seemed a bit taken aback.

"My crimes. What am I being charged with?"

"Those would be-" Twilight blinked and stopped.

"Ah, ol' Sunbutt never told you did she?" Reference flicked a piece of earwax from his finger. "How very typical."

"Besides," he continued. "You're horrible officers! You didn't even read me my rights! You know, 'you have the right to remain silent anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law' that shtick. Although, I doubt Celestia would have even given me a trial in the first place."

"Of course she would!" Fluttershy timidly responded. "She's the kindest and most benevolent pony in the land!"

"Two things," Referenc raised his fingers. "First of all that's you." He pointed to Fluttershy who gained an embarrassed look on her face. "Second of all, Discord didn't get a trial now did he?"

"Why that's ridiculous!" Rarity said. "That horrid brute was undeserving of a trial. And the proof for his punishment was plain for all to see."

"Yeesh, Rarity, talk about a major infringement of rights." Twilight was picking up on something, but wasn't quite sure what it was. "I thought everyone had a right to a fair trial by jury, in fact Discord could have had a very good reason to do what he did, but you'll never know now will you? In fact," he swept his hands around the room. "As far as I can see, you're all just Celestia's hit squad. She just points a hoof and then you get rid of the offending party, with your elements which you shouldn't even have."

"What are you talkin' bout? The elements chose us." Applejack snorted.

"No, Applejack. The elements just went to the closest thing. Which you six just happen to embody." Twilight was sure of it, something Reference was saying was strange. "They're not tools, and using them as such is-"

Twilight had it.

"How do you know our names?"

Reference stopped and stared at the purple pony. He stood there for a full five seconds.

He then reared back, with a clenched hand held above him, and brought it down ,creating a small puff of pink smoke, that barely obscured his body.

As the mares coughed and waved their hooves of the smoke Reference dashed to the nearest window and jumped out. The six immediately took notice and rushed for the front door. As they slammed the door open, Reference ran past, got a few feet away, tripped, face planted, and then got back up again running back down the street.

The six mares, after gaining their bearings, dashed after him.

A chase promptly broke out. Twilight and her friends galloped after him down the street. Reference, taking notice tore down alleyways. While the ponies, over long stretches, could catch up to him, Reference was much quicker at making turns and dodging around debris. He'd also double back, whenever Rainbow would fly ahead and would take a different side alley.

After about five minutes of this, Reference was almost out of the main alley, close to the main street on the outskirts of Ponyville.

Twilight, having had enough, grit her teeth, and casted a teleport spell a little bit in front of Reference. As soon as she popped in front of him, she cast a barrier which caused Reference to slam into it. Followed by sliding down its side, his face plastered to it all the while.

The elements then once again surrounded Reference and stood their ground. "No more games, Manic," Twilight said. "You're coming with us."

As Reference stood up and shook his head he sighed, "Really didn't want to play my trump card so soon, but I don't really see a way out of this."

"What trump card?" Twilight asked warily, already prepping a knock-out spell.

"It's every single ponies' weakness. Your kryptonite if you will." He then raised his hand up into the sky. "The power of music."

A loud snapping sound was heard from his hand, much like Discord, causing everypony to freeze up waiting for something horrible to happen. Suddenly, drums began to play. Nopony knew what direction they were coming from though.

Reference just stood there, bobbing his head along to the beat. When the guitar came in, he began to move his upper body around more, making his head rotate to the rhythm, along with making a few gestures. When it picked up he started on some footwork.

Then, he began to sing.

"Been playing so hard, I'm strutting around," he began to dance around the ponies. "Got caught for what?" He raised both his hands up. "Oh tell me what I done. I've got this feeling, that time's just holding you down." He pointed at the group. Dancing in place he then said, "I'll hit the ceiling, Or else I'll tear up pony-town!" He then spun around in place gesturing to Ponyville causing the mares to gasp at his supposed threat.

Until the music paused for a second, picking back up at, "Now I gotta cut loose, hoofloose, kick off your Sunday shoes." Reference was doing amazing footwork in front of the ponies."Please, Louise," he then slid on his knees. "Pull me off my knees." After which he hopped back up. "Jack," he reared a foot back, "get Mac. C'mon before we crack!" He then kicked Applejack in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres, sending her sailing. "Lose, your blues." He said as he spun around facing the wide-eyed mares. "Everybody cut hoofloose!"

He did a few dance moves to the guitar, flailing his arms in a wavy motion. As he began singing again, he pointed and walked towards Twilight, "You're playing so cool." He pointed a book in his hand with a title, 'Da Rules'. "Obeying every rule." He was now wearing black and red robes with a horned helmet, and now had a beating heart in his hand. "Dig a way down in your heart." Twilight's mane suddenly caught fire, making her look up in surprise "You're burning, yearning for some," Everything then changed back to normal. "Somepony to tell you." Reference was now right in front of Twilight's face. "That life ain't passing you by." He jumped back and danced around a bit. "I'm trying to tell you, it will if you don't even tryyyyyy-yyyyyy!" He then appeared next to Rainbow in midair laying on arm atop her, "You can fly if you'd only,"

"Cut loose, hoofloose, kick off your Sunday shoes." Pinkie was shaking her flank back and forth, laughing. "Oowhee, Pinkie," Reference got next to her and started shaking along with her, "Shake it, shake it for me." Rainbow charged at him, "Whoa, Rainbow," he dodged her and grabbed her tail. "C'mon, c'mon let's go." He twirled her around and then tossed her away. "Lose your blues, everybody cut hoofloose!"

Suddenly, it got pitch black and the ponies could hear a "Yeah, ooooh-oh-oh." Followed by Reference whispering, "Cut hoofloose." The mares looked around hearing the same thing again. By the third time, they couldn't figure out which direction Reference was in. There was an "Ooooooh." Followed by a spotlight illuminating Reference and the townsponies of Ponyville who had been singing earlier.

"You got to turn me around." Reference spun in place, as Big Mac stepped into the spotlight and sang, "And put your hooves on the ground." Applejack, having returned with Big Mac just stared at what was happening, her mouth open. "Now take a hold of all," they both sang.

Reference raised his hands in the air. " Aaaaah" He was wearing an orange and blue outfit with spiky black hair. "-Aaaaaah" He rose up into the air a sudden pressure was felt by everypony. "-Aaaaaaaaah" Images were flashing behind Reference as he levitated in air, the pressure building. "-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"

A blast of energy was released that buffeted everypony, and Reference's hair turned gold, "I'M TURNING IT LOOSE!"

"Hoofloose," he then fell to the ground, back to normal. "Kick off your Sunday shoes." Everypony was now dancing along with Reference. "Please, Louise," He was hopping around with his knees bent. "Pull me off my knees." Applejack started charging at him, "Jack," He raised an elbow. "Get back," And then hit Applejack with it. "C'mon before we crack. Lose your blues, everybody cut hoofloose."

"Hoofloose, hoofloose, hoofloose!" The ponies and Reference sang. "Kick off your Sunday shoes. Please, Louise, pull me off of my knees." Applejack threw her lasso at Reference. "Jack," Applejack's eyes widened as he caught it. "Get back," he then began to twirl her around with her own lasso. "C'mon, before we crack." He then let go, sending her tumbling into a wall. "Lose, your blues."

"Everybody cut, everybody cut," Reference motioned side to side at the crowd. "Everybody cut, everybody cut," he motioned to his front and back. "Everybody cut, everybody cut." Finally up and down.

The townsponies all shouted "Everypony!" Followed by Reference, "Everybody cut hoofloose!"

Reference made a few last dance moves, to the song, before darting into the Everfree.

Twilight gaped, looking around her. While the song began at the outskirts of Ponyville, at some point, Reference had moved out, towards the forest.

The purple mare ground her teeth together and let out an indignant shout that echoed out for miles, startling some of the creatures in the forest.

[1st Person: Reference (Duh)]

I continued running through the forest, jumping over a root or a log here and there, stopping every now and then to obscure my foot prints, looping around, making nonsensical tracks just in case the ponies might decided to follow me in.

Eventually, I couldn't take much more and fell on my ass, exhausted.

Using the power of music was always entertaining, but the fact of the matter was that it really drained me to use it. The sheer power to manipulate the ponies intrinsic nature like that was just hard on a person. It was like trying to bend certain parts of a soul or souls to fit your need. While I could save a lot of power doing it haphazardly, it'd kill or really screw up a pony, and that was a big no-no in my book. Besides, a dead or damaged pony wasn't as fun to mess with as a normal one.

But I digress, I lay on the ground and just let myself bask in the sunlight. I was laying in one of the few clearings the Everfree had, I presumed, when suddenly something hit my head.

"One cheeseburger, hold the onions." I let out dazedly. Shaking my head I looked down to see two armored gauntlets, now resting on my lap. Looking up, I spotted their origin.

"Awp!" I quickly dug through my suit and pulled out a paper, pen, and a certain stamp, that I had stolen from the Princesses at one point.

Pressing the paper against a decently good tree, I wrote out a message. It read: "For help and/or a good time, please read from sheet: 'I Am Sofa King We Todd Ed.' FAST. But not too fast. Loses meaning."

I then slapped the stamp onto the paper, folded it up into a plane and chucked it as hard as I could.

The hole to the rift was almost closed, but the plane managed to slip in right before it closed up.

"Yes!" I pumped my arm in victory.

Now as for explanations, the stamp was a little something the sisters had come up with together in their rule, it would allow them to make an exact copy, paper and all, by pumping magic into it. So with the natural magics of the void, I'd have numerous, no, an infinite number of paper airplanes sailing through. And, using monkey-typewriter logic, there was bound to be one, or hopefully several, that would make it into another's dimension. That, and author fiat of course. As for everything else, let's just say I'd been waiting for this moment.

Looking down, I inspected the gauntlets further. They were white, along with a black steel atop the back of the hand that ran through a blue wrist guard and bulked up more at the forearm. A yellow metal lined the edges of the gauntlet giving it a refined look.

On the back of the left hand, the word GILGA was scratched out. Similarly, on the back of the right MESH was as well.

My eyes sparkled thinking of the shenanigans we could pull if summoned. But nonetheless, I had a job/journey/quest for myself to undertake.

Stowing the gauntlets in the much too small pocket of my suit, which didn't even bulge nor show a sign of carrying anything within, I set out to the castle of the pony sisters.

After all, if they were going to take residence in my castle, why couldn't I take residence in theirs?

Author's Note

Sorry about how long this took. College and what-not. I hope I did well with the song portion please, please, PLEASE tell me what you think. Or something funny in the comments would be appreciated. I like banter. Now, I've just got to figure out how to appear in other peoples' stories...... Aside from that, How 'bout dat last sentence, hmmmm?

Also, I'm thinking of adding an alternate universe tag on here, with some of the things I'm planning. Now, going to bed at 5:19, so I can wake up at 10:30 to get ready for RPG club tomorrow...... today.

Chapter 4- Shut Your...

Chapter 4- Shut Your.....

*Warning: This chapter has cursing in it.... sort of, this is one of the reasons I chose to have a Mature tag, but this is just for those who do not wish to be subjected to foul language...... um.... thank you for your patronage?*

"Gaaaaaaagrblrg! My back, my feet, my everything!" I slumped to the stone floor of the castle of the two sisters. "It feels like I've been walking through that forest for...... five months and nineteen days!" I halfheartedly pull up my head and wink towards the door, which really just makes my mask scrunch up a lot before my head thuds back to the ground, eliciting a groan.

I lay there for a bit, catching my breath, my stomach rising and falling before I assume a fetal position and somersault forward. "Well, might as well find a place to crash before I don't have a choice in the matter."

Moving forward into the ruins, I followed the ragged carpet towards the throne room, admiring the many decaying, but rather fine pieces of culture Celestia had left for whatever reason.

I finally arrived at my destination, seeing the two thrones both rather in a decrepit state, but still serviceable enough as a place to rest, the cushions at the bottom and on the backs, somewhat still holding together.

I sighed as I eased my tired and aching body into Luna's throne, lord knows I'm not going to sit in Celestia's. The crazy mare probably booby trapped it.

Leaning back, I let my eyelids slowly droop, allowing myself to slip deeper into the embrace of unconsciousness.

[A long time ago, in a ~~galaxy~~ dimension far, far away...]

People. People everywhere. Wonderfully dressed people, but still. Too many and too close.

I gasp for air as I take advantage of a break in the crowd. "COMIC CON, YOU SUCK!" I yell at the top of my lungs, which really doesn't amount to much due to all the noise created by the con-goers.

Of course, I don't really mean it. I'm really having a blast, but I can only handle so much of all the personal space invasions, weirdly staring con-goers, and not to mention the constant pervasive smell of sweat from a multitude of guys (and girls, see, I'm not sexist) who haven't taken showers in days, sometimes weeks, and Axe body spray does NOT help.

Nevertheless, I push through the crowd heading to a stand, really any stand. The current of the people traveling, push me along. I don't know where I'll end up, but I do know something, I. WILL. BUY.

Probably not much though. I ended up losing a good deal of money yesterday, due to a pickpocket. That Nightcrawler cosplayer sure did book it. Still, twenty dollars in hand, I resolved to at least buy myself something for my experience.

Finally reaching the end of the other side of the crowd, I clutched the table with my hands, my knuckle turning white.

"Hello sir!" A cheerful voice greeted me. "I see you're not wearing a costume...."

Assuming I arrived at a prop stall or something, I didn't bother looking up, still catching my breath. Instead, I dug into my pocket and thrust out my measly twenty bucks.

"........." Silence hung in the air between me and the vendor. "......Eh, whatever, I can work with this."

I heard the sounds of rummaging about, but before I could look up, a clear plastic bin was presented to me.

"Just grab some things, and then I'll send you on your way." The vendor said curtly.

Nodding, I reached in and dug around letting my hands feel around for something interesting. It was a little strange, both of my arms wound up completely inside the container despite it not being nearly deep enough to hold the length of them. Ignoring this, I continued searching blindly through the bin until I felt some clothes of rather fine material.

Latching onto them, I dramatically pulled back my arms, clutching whatever articles of clothing I had latched onto.

With a flourish I pulled them out, and whipped whatever I was holding back a bit, luckily not hitting any of the crowd somehow.

Bringing the items forward I examined them.

"Wat."

In my right hand, I held a finely made suit, that was still one of the tackiest things I'd ever seen. By finely made, I mean that whatever material this thing had been crafted from was of high quality, but it was almost a dead ringer for Benny's suit from New Vegas, aside from the pants being black and the accompanying tie being red.

In my left hand, was another item of good make, but still made me cringe. I held a black fedora with thin white stripes running diagonally along it, a gray band atop the rim.

Groaning, I turned back to the vendor, "Can I pleeeeeaaaase try again?"

"Sorry, no refunds." He moved his arms into an X, as my shoulders slumped. "Although, I think you'll find them quite useful." He said, giving me a somewhat creepy grin.

Raising an eyebrow, I just nodded, deciding to just be happy I got something. Turning quickly I stepped forward-

-and promptly fell on my face.

I lay there, staring at the wooden floor which my face decided to land on for some reason or another, eventually letting out a strained "Owwwwwwww."

Keeping my position for a few more seconds, I finally decide enough is enough and begin to stand, when I catch sight of my body. More specifically, the clothes I'm wearing.

"What the-" the suit I had grabbed was now snugly wrapped around me, along with the fedora placed atop my head.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" I reach down to unbutton the pants but for whatever reason my fingers kept sliding off the button, I wasn't able to gain purchase at all. I reach up to rip the hat from my head, but it wouldn't budge. Moving both my palms towards the brim I tried to push the hat off, but no dice, the thing was lodged there.

I eventually ended up on the floor wiggling about trying to rip my clothes off. This went on for about five or so minutes before I conceded defeat to these articles of imprisonment. Sighing, I stood back up and looked out to the single shaft of light coming from a circular window in the room I was in.

Dusting myself off I looked around the room to try and ascertain where I was. There were suitcases and trunks scattered around along with various knick-knacks and whatnots. I could plainly see the rafters above me, along with cobwebs strung hither and thither. The room itself had slanted in walls, giving it a triangular shape.

I was definitely in an attic.

Turning about, I headed to the window to get an even better idea of what my location was. Although it was a little high, so I grabbed a trunk and placed it against the wall. Standing atop it, I peered over and out at my surroundings.

All around were houses made of wood, some with hay on the roofs, others with wooden shingles. They looked quite archaic, seeming to belong to the medieval era. There seemed to be a castle further back, rising above the rest of the abodes, and the streets seemed to be cobbled, bustling with activity. It was what was in the streets that caught most of my attention though.

Moving about, hustling and bustling was a crowd of technicolor things. Seriously, it was like a toddler had grabbed three bags of family sized skittles, somehow fit each individual piece into his mouth, chewed for a solid minute, swallowed, then immediately puked the contents of his or her stomach all over the street. But the vomit was moving. I thought I'd have a seizure.

Shaking my head, I tried to focus on one creature in the crowd. As far as I could tell it had four legs ending in hooves, long hair that went down its neck, so a mane. A tail, a butt marking..... "Hold up." I said. "Butt marking......." realization struck.

I was going to say 'Holy fucking shit, it's My Little Pony!' what came out was, "Holy f*BEEP*ing sh*BEEP*- Ow! What the f*BEEP*- OW!" I held my hands to my ears surprised at the apparent censoring of my words. My eyes widened, as I realized, I couldn't say what I wanted to.

Now, if you want to piss me right off, the fastest way to do that is to blatantly tell me not to do something for no good reason. As far as I was concerned, this qualified. "Oh, you've got to be f*BEEP*ing kidding me you wh*BEEP*s."

Being in Equestria suddenly took second place to the censoring dilemma I was in, don't get me wrong, I knew I should have been more worried about being stranded in a world filled with sentient miniature horses, and other things. But, my mind just couldn't seem to stay focused on that fact. For all intents and purposes it felt like the censoring had to be rectified immediately.

So I proceeded to sit in the middle of the somewhat dusty attic contemplating how I could get around it. Which really amounted to jack squat. After about thirty minutes my mind began to drift, and then I thought of something I had always wanted to do in a situation like this.

Smiling, I took a deep breath before I let loose with my inner middle schooler, " Your mother is a *BEEP BEEP BEEP*ing*BEEP* Lorem Ipsum *BEEP BEEP BEEP*admiumvenium*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*turolagulio*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* hippopotamus*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* Republican *BEEP BEEP BEEP* Daniel Radcliffe *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* with a bucket of *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* in a castle far away where no one can hear you *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* soup *BEEP BEEP BEEP* with a bucket of *BEEP BEEP* Mickey Mouse *BEEP BEEP* with a stick of dynamite *BEEEEEEEEP* magical *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* ALAKAZAM!!!! "

By the end of it, I was panting for breath, having not stopped the whole way through, but there was a smile plastered on my face. For whatever reason, doing that just made me feel more... powerful. I felt some of the stiffness from earlier vanishing, replaced with a sort of confidence inside of me, I felt like I could arm wrestle a bear while simultaneously breaking its arm.

That was when I heard a clatter from downstairs, there was shuffling and a few worried voices coming through the floorboards. I figured my little outburst had alerted the occupants of the house of my location, so deciding to nip the problem in the bud, I made up my mind to meet my current hosts.

Looking around the floor I spotted a trap door. Grabbing the handle, I promptly threw it open, jumped down, slipped and tumbled down a set of nearby stairs continuously letting out a slur of still censored curses as I fell.

Eventually I reached the bottom, with pain as my companion. Raising my head up a bit, I said as eloquently as possible, "Gerflegen-harfenscmerttz," before my head promptly fell, impacting on the wooden floor. To this day, my face tends to have regular meetings with the ground.

Groaning, I got my arms underneath me and pushed myself up to my feet. Shaking my head a bit, I stumbled before catching myself against a wall, as I looked up at my surroundings.

I was in a relatively well off house as far as I could tell, the wood floor seemed to be a polished oak, there were a few artifacts about the room and weirdly enough a sort of classical looking sofa.

However, once again, it was the inhabitants of the house that caught my attention like the throngs I'd witnessed from outside. Before me stood, a purple furred unicorn with a brown mane and tail, who was currently glaring at me intently, his horn pointed directly at me while he was in a sort of battle position, his legs spread and taut. His butt-tat had a picture of a partially sealed scroll on it. There was an Aquamarine mare with her blonde mane done up in a bun, small crow's feet off the side of her enormous eyes denoting that she was entering her mid years. She was staring at me terrified, one of her hooves raised defensively across her front. Her ass had a picture of a quill on it. As for the final occupant, a small light green colt was leaning over the arm(foreleg?) rest of the couch, his front hooves propping him up. He had a light brown mane that was curled in some places and dangling in front of him sometimes. He was looking at me with a childlike glee and curiosity, also his gluteus maximus appeared to be bereft of any images.

We just sort of stared at each other for about a minute, none of us refusing to budge for a multitude of reasons I would imagine. Eventually though, my arms got tired from holding me up against the wall, so I pushed myself off, brushed off my horribly garish suit, cleared my throat, waved my hand and said, "Hello."

Shit then proceeded to hit the fan.

Everyone was yelling, the father threatening me, the mother shrieking terrified for herself and her family, while the colt was shooting out questions about a mile a minute. I, of course, was yelling along with them.

"Look if you'd jus-"

"Get thee out, thy foul smelling- "

"It shalt grind up our bones and peel our pelts-"

"Look I shower every day, and horses are NOT nutri-"

"Canst thou soar through the skies? Ooh, canst thou fire searing flames from thou-"

It was getting really old, really fast. And I decided that I had had enough of it.

"I shalt skewer thee with my horn!"

"You're such a pig f*BEEP*er, you idiot!" I yelled at the stallion, in response.

The room went completely silent, the father and mother's eyes shrinking dramatically, while the colt's just seemed to grow bigger in fascination.

Eventually, though the father regained his voice. "What didst thou say?! Why wouldst thou dare call me this?!"

I was going to stammer out an apology, but instead, "Well, let's see, first of all, you f*BEEP* pigs." My eyes widened as I seemed to lose control of my voice and mouth. It was almost like the feeling from before in the attic, but somehow holding influence over me.

"What!?!?" The stallion yelled, his pupils practically pinpricks now.

"Well, f*BEEP* my a*BEEP* and call me a b*BEEP*!" I continued on, my arms refusing to move to cover my lips.

A book flew at me which I was able to dodge, thankfully. I turned to see that the mare was the one who had thrown the bound piece of literature and was now breathing heavily and decidedly more angry than scared.

"Oh, you sh*BEEP*-faced c*BEEP*-master!" I said to her, this time meaning it a little. Seriously, the book was freaking huge, I'd probably had gotten a concussion.

"Thou shalt not speak thy curses in my abode with my child so close!" She shrieked at me, the colt meanwhile looked like he was having the time of his life, while I still seemed to gain more and more power the more I talked.

"Listen, you donkey r*BEEP*ing," 'seriously, rape?' I thought '"sh*BEEP*-eater!" Not paying her warnings any mind. Really, at that point I couldn't stop if I wanted to, the energy was building to a torrent that I felt was pushing against my body, seeking release.

I pointed to the stallion, "You'd f*BEEP* your uncle!" I turned and pointed to the mare, "You'd f*BEEP* your uncle!" I yelled at them both.

That's when I felt the energy break loose from inside me and take form into something else. seeping into the world around me, bending it, changing it, fitting a certain will that I couldn't completely control.

It made music.

My body jumped up on the couch and pointed at the mare and stallion, while a fast paced orchestra started up, followed by me quickly joining in with lyrics.

"Shut your f*BEEP*ing face uncle f*BEEP*er!" I was moving my arms back and forth, bouncing with the rhythm. I leaned in closer to the stallion's face, "You're a c*BEEP*-sucking, a*BEEP*-licking uncle f*BEEP*er."

"You're an uncle f*BEEP*er , yes it's true! Nobody f*BEEP*s uncles quite like you." My eyes moving back and forth frantically, the only part of my body I could move, while my mouth was stuck in a perpetual grin.

"Why, I never!" The mare tried to yell over the music.

I then turned to her, pointing, and continued, "Shut your f*BEEP*ing face, uncle f*BEEP*er." I ran in place a bit before back-flipping off the couch. "You're the one that f*BEEP*ed your uncle, uncle f*BEEP*er." My body added in a pelvic thrust to emphasize my point.

"You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn, you just f*BEEP* your uncle all day long!" I yelled/sang at the two adult ponies while the younger laughed the whole way through on the couch.

I did a side cartwheel through the room when the music picked up for a little, when I landed though, my butt was sticking out. That's when that part began.

Flatulence began to release from my butt, but in a musical quality, going along with the invisible orchestra.

"Hmm!" I said, as the gas began to pick up more and more, moving my entire body with its power at points. Inside, of course I felt mortified, and yet a small part of me was enjoying this greatly.

The adults continued to watch me, with their wide eyes, seemingly jaded, while the colt just laughed and laughed.

The farts took me to their front door, right outside onto the street. Where they stopped intermittently, as I spotted a guard pony in armor directing foot, or rather hoof traffic.

I ran up laughing the whole way, making a scene in public, as all the ponies including the guard stopped what they were doing to stare at the strange bipedal rushing at them.

When I got closer, the guard automatically, said, "What's going on here?!"

I responded by farting right into his snout, I then let loose a barrage of farts at him, some powerful enough to lift up his helmet from his head.

That's when the flatulence seemed to transfer over to the guard, who was being lifted up and down by the force of his own gas, his eyes as frantic as mine as he was caught up in whatever was going on.

That's when the crowd of ponies began to join in, "F*BEEP*er, f*BEEP*er. Uncle f*BEEP*er , uncle f*BEEP*er. Uncle f*BEEP*er." They were doing choreographed dance moves as if they had trained on the routine for months, the guard and I were both dancing together still powered by our own farts.

When the percussion starting up the guard and the ponies all took up the background again, the farting finally over. "Shut your f*BEEP*ing face, uncle f*BEEP*er!" I was singing at the forefront again, moving across the street, doing more dance moves as I went. "You're a b*BEEP*er biting bastard uncle f*BEEP*er!"

The family at the house seemed to have followed me out onto the street, unwillingly dragged along to watch the spectacle.

"You're an uncle f*BEEP*er, I must say!" I said to the stallion, whose face just seemed to get absolutely scarlet with anger, "You f*BEEP*ed your uncle yesterday!" I finished with the mare who just fainted on the spot.

I then let loose a laugh along with the colt and the rest of the crowd, before continuing.

"Uncle f*BEEP*er!" I yelled out, spinning to the crowd my arms outstretched.

The rest of them joined in, singing with me, "That's U-N-C-L-E," I turned back to the red-faced stallion, pointed at him, said, "f*BEEP* you!"

I then turned back to the crowd again and we all sang, "Uncle f*BEEP*er !" As loud as we could into the sky, my arms outstretched, as the music hit a crescendo.

"You rock!" I said at the end, before quickly following with, "Suck my b*BEEP*s."

After that last bit, the world seemed to fall dead silent, the ponies holding their positions, until a sort of cracking sound rang out, soon followed by another sound that was akin to glass being smashed all around me. The other ponies, as far as I could tell took note of it as well, with how their ears moved back at the loud noise.

I decided to just take that as my cue to book it.

I sprinted straight along the street, dodging around the inhabitants of the town I was in. Strangely enough though, none of them bothered to stop me, this didn't quite register to me as I just assumed I had an angry mob on my tail.

There was something wrong though, my stomach felt like it was twisted into knots. My bones felt as easy to snap as peanut brittle, and my head, my head was pounding harder and harder as if my brain was growing and thumping its squishy tissue against my cranium. The strength I felt within me was absent, leaving me empty, tired, and hungry for some reason.

I eventually made my way to more ramshackle houses, the cobbled street having turned into a dirt road. Still, I kept going. Even though my sprint was turning more into a zombie's shamble, I still pushed myself forward.

The road had eventually dwindled into a trail, trees at some point surrounded me. I couldn't remember when I had entered into a forest, my mind was struggling for balance upon a precarious edge of consciousness. My vision was blurring and the pain had grown within me.

I stopped, feeling something coming up from my throat.

I couldn't hold it back. I brought my hand up, which I saw was shaking uncontrollably, wracked with spasms, to catch whatever was coming out.

I coughed and hacked into my hands, falling to my knees, my other arm wrapped around my torso. The taste of iron filled my mouth, as a liquid rushed out into my quavering palm and flowed around it, dribbling down my chin.

As my coughs subsided, I took my hand away from my mouth to see it washed in crimson. Drops fell from my hand and palm onto the ground, as I slowly tried to regain my balance.

But, I couldn't find purchase. Instead, I flopped to the dirt, my arm outstretched dragging at the gravel and mud.

"Anyone....." I called out weakly, my voice obscured by the rustling of leaves.

".....please..." My vision swam even more and dimmed, as darker shadows played over what little I could see.

I felt a tap at my shoulder, and then, nothing.

Stretching, I woke up with a yawn, my arms raised above me, my fists clenched.

I brought my hands to the center of my back, and pushed out, cracking my spine, making me let out a satisfied grunt.

"Welp," I hopped up from the throne. "That should provide enough back-story for now. I should probably wait another week or two before Twily goes ca-ca-ca-ca-razy, with the friendship reports and what not." I stilted my fingers together. "So, let the waiting game begin."

Author's Note

I'm SO sorry this took so long to come out! To all..... 92 of you tracking this, have a happy surprise. And if you all (or just one of you) decide to track me down just to stab me repeatedly with a rusty shiv in my trachea followed by cutting out my squeedly-spooch to devour it and gain my ideas/go bat-shit insane and start smearing feces all over the walls, then I'd be okay with that.

I'd also like to thank Shinigamisparda for unknowingly pushing me to get this done, by continuously releasing chapters................................ is there a joke I can fit in here....?

Yeah.
Let's go with that.
Anyways, I'm outtie 5000.
See ya'll whenever.

COMMENT. MAKE IT FUNNY.

Chapter 5- Where's the Leak Ma'am..... (Also Known as: What's With All the Poo?)

Chapter 5- Where's the Leak Ma'am..... (Also Known as: What's With All the Poo?)

"..........."

All was quiet in the castle of the two sisters -coo- only the occasional gust of wind through the -coo- castle would elicit a noise. The banners would -coo- shift with the breeze, flapping -coo- about. The suits -coo- of armor -coo- would creak but -coo- held strong, along with the -coo- supports of the castle.

".............................."

Well, while most of the castle was -coo-

While most of the castle was -coo-

Most of the -coo-

Mos -coo-

"I HATE THESE FUCKING PIGEONS AND IMMA STRANGLE WHOEVER THOUGHT UP THE 'WAITING GAME' WITH A RUSTY SPORK."

My voice traveled throughout the castle disturbing what peace there had been originally, buffeting the ragged banners and rattling the suits of equine armor.

As for the source of my current frustration, to make it painfully obvious, I found myself once again surrounded by pigeons. It seems that attempting to enter a meditative state to try and draw in some mana from the environment was equivalent to being rendered a statue in the eyes of avian creatures..... at least the stupid ones.

"I swear I will eradicate each and every one of you."

-coo-

Realizing that enough was enough, I began to flail and scream wildly, because that always makes things better. Always.

The blasted fiends took the hint and flew off to their coops, but not before dousing me in a deluge of shit. Fun fact boys and girls, birds actually don't urinate, no sirree, it all comes out in one package, that's why bird poo's all liquidy and crap, literally on the crap part.

I let loose a primal scream of frustration, which I'm quite sure can be heard at least as far as Ponyville.

Speaking of which, I bet a scene transi-

[Meanwhile in Ponyville. 3rd Person, by the way.]

Everypony immediately drops what they're doing as a wail of pure torment echoes throughout the town.

Some seek shelter in the stalls on the streets, others grab their foals and run into their homes before proceeding to barricade said doors along with their windows.

As for six specific mares.....

Well, Applejack had been atop the roof replacing the shingles when the vibrations of the scream shook her house causing her to lose her footing (hoofing? Whatever.). She desperately tried to grab hold of whatever she could. Luckily enough, she was able to grasp the drain pipe with her hoof, stopping her fall, she let out a sigh of relief. Until she began to question exactly how that was physically possible and then promptly fell on her rump.

Rainbow had been sleeping quite comfortably although precariously on a cloud. When the shout caused her to shuffle and kick out reflexively, she ended up bucking the cloud, causing it to disperse. She fell, still asleep, down to the local cafe where she promptly bounced off one of the umbrellas, towards a new stand set up by a rather disgruntled stallion from Canterlot. She ended up waking up to, "My cabbages!"

Fluttershy had just finished fixing breakfast for the critters she took care of when her little hut shook with the pain of another. Fluttershy could only flatten her ears and whimper, her heart going out to whoever it was that was suffering so.

Quickly followed by all of the previously mentioned critters to vacate their bowels. Fluttershy sighed and hung her head as she went to go don her hazmat suit and strap on the tank of disinfectant. Due to living in proximity to a town like Ponyville and a forest like the Everfree, this was actually more common than one would think.

Twilight was reading (big surprise). When her tree shook all about. After said shaking had died down, the mare looked up nonchalantly from her piece of literature and surveyed the chaos of the library. She took note of the mountains of books now upon her floor. She slowly moved her head back down to her current selection and turned the page with her magic. "Spike!" "Aw, hell noooo-ooo-whooaa!"

Pinkie was being Pinkie. (Yeah, that's it. What more do you want from me? What do you mean you want descriptions? Look it's my story and I'll write it how I- Wait, what are you doing with that cattle prod? Wait, wait, nonononononroifjaeoit4u93qghlirknjeq.ou301 r Oww! You are so lucky that I'm a coward.)

Pinkie was busy stuffing even more candy down her gullet having no concept of the disease known as diabeetus (really, I give it, what? Two, three years tops?). When all of Sugarcube corner began to shake and the sound of a pained soul swept through the town. Pinkie just shrugged and went back to her candy gorging wondering why exactly the author had already devoted four hundred and eighty seven words to this tripe.

Rarity had been struck with inspiration and was designing the most glamorous dress in all of existence, words would do no justice to it. Merely trying to think of the design has awed the author into a vegetative state and a new one was found that was as equally mentally unbalanced as he was. Unfortunately a monkey with rabies rather prefers to gnash its teeth together, attempt to bite people, and fling its feces about instead of writing hamlet. We even got it the typewriter and everything. So the author decided enough was enough and promptly said 'bugger it all, I'm better'. Followed by marching out to his assigned physician's desk, dumping the contents of his bedpan upon it, turning his provided gown around backwards, and then strutting out of the hospital and deciding to take the long route home. The one that cut through the all-female catholic boarding school.

Rarity merely had one more stitch left until her creation was complete. Her needle was inches away from her mark, nay centimeters, merely millimeters away, when the carousel boutique shook from the noise of some thrice damned beast. Rarity's supplies clattered to the ground. Bolts of fabric unraveled, spools fell and clattered about, their strings catching wherever they could creating a multi-colored spider web over at least half the room.

Rarity stood there stock still, her telekinesis occasionally shaking as she held steady with all of her will.

Eventually, the shaking stopped and Rarity let loose a breath she didn't know she had been holding. She slowly and oh so carefully threaded the needle until she was sure the final piece of the ensemble was properly stitched.

Moving back, she marveled at her work and could barely hold back a sob in her throat as she beheld its magnificence. Surely this was her magnum opus, her Mare-o Lisa if you will.

A single tear fell from her eye and fell to the floor.

Then her dress caught aflame.

Rarity could only stare horrified as the sob she had withheld was let loose. She turned a complete 180 degrees only to stare at the culprits responsible.

They sat there with bandoliers and multiple bottles stuffed with napkins.

She stared as they took a deep breath.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER ANARCHISTS, YAY!!!!!"

Many would wonder which of the two raucous laments was truly the worse that momentous day.

As for a certain town official. A one, Mayor Mare, found herself cooped up in her office whittling away at the paperwork of the day, only to stop when she heard a rather loud and continuous scream through her window. She placed her quill down and glared off into the town. "So, it's a shouting match you want, eh?" She leaned a little closer to the window, "Well, game on, Ponyville!" She then jumped on top of her desk and began to scream, "Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaa-I'm beating you!"

[1st Person: Reference]

-tion should be happening right now.

I shut my yap after about thirty continuous seconds of announcing my pain to the universe. Deciding enough is enough and to get rid of this stank.

I head through the halls, marking my way with the imprint of my soles via the white shit-piss that is thoroughly covering my body.

I take note of the multitudes of collapsed suits of pony armor now that I'm passing through the halls, wondering how after centuries of stalwart vigilance, it was my shout that actually caused a good amount of these to topple over.

I shrug, not really caring in the end and head off towards the entrance, only to smack my face right into the doors, followed by me sliding along its length to the floor.

Really, all this head trauma cannot be healthy for me.

Sighing, I shake my head and get up, pushing against the door, slowly moving it forward until there is a wide enough crack for me to slip through.

I step outside, only for the sun to flare up and blind me temporarily. I blink my eyes trying to disperse my temporary sightlessness, bringing my balled fists to rub up against my masked face.

"Now, is that normal, or did Celestia enchant it to do that..." shrugging, not caring either way if I was right or wrong, I make my way across the rickety bridge towards the river.

The bridge sways to and fro as I cross, the boards creaking with my weight, and I come to ponder how exactly making a rope and plank bridge was the best decision for a quadruped species.

Once I finish traversing the precarious pit I was hanging over, I move towards the nearby trees in the general direction that I had arrived from. I push past brambles and bushes, being extra careful not to trip on any roots this time, listening for the sounds of running water.

A little bit more rummaging and a few close calls with packs of timber-wolves later, I find myself at the river that I had swam across earlier. I was a little disappointed that while crossing I didn't encounter a certain magnificently mustachioed serpent, but now as I was about to dive head-first into the water I really hoped he wasn't there.

Ingested bird feces/urine is not the best way to go about a first impression.

I take a few steps back and take a running jump into the cold stream. Best to just dive in and get used to the temperature, right?

I hold myself in the fetal position letting the water run over me, and wash away whatever excess white droppings that are clinging to me. I know I'm going to have to scrub to get rid of some of the other stains, but it's practical to get the current to do most of the work for me.

I eventually can't hold my breath much longer and let myself float back up towards the surface.

I breach the water, letting the majestic long strands of golden blonde hair that have appeared on my scalp, flow back in the now apparent breeze and my temporary abs to flex, showing through my suit. I imagine the sun has intensified while doing this, most likely causing the errant spray of water my showboating has caused to sparkle around me.

Fabio, eat your heart out.

Now, the natural thing to do while posing so sexily is to close your eyes. I mean, it just completes the picture. You can't have a rippling heavily muscled man pose without closing his eyes, ya just can't!

So, when the boomerang clonked me right in the head, it was only fair that I had not indeed noticed it.

Even if I held the pose for a good twenty seconds.

Shut up.

"Aw...! Mother-fucking ass-wipe!" I let out, as I cling to the bump forming on the afflicted area. "Why's it always my cranium!?"

I had turned around and was holding my head in the opposite direction hoping that another strike would not hit me directly in the head again, but that might have been a mistake.

A sharp whistling noise had caught my attention and I turned my head halfway, in time to watch a blow dart sink itself directly into my left butt cheek.

Now, imagine having a sewing needle, no, a syringe, but a little larger, apparently just 'cause, being thrown directly at, and hitting your backside. Now, imagine a wasp sting. But worse. It felt like my whole ass was on fire.

So I ended up waving and dancing around like I was a magikarp using splash

I moved my gaze to where the dart had originated from, to see a hooded figure quickly dash into the brush away from me.

Growling, I clutched the dart and yanked it out quickly, letting out a "Ffffffffffffff," from the pain and general discomfort of removing such an object from my tuchus.

"Oh, ho, ho, no. Ya ain't getting away after messing with a man's backdoor." I growled darkly as I proceede to wade through the river at a steady pace. "You didn't even buy me dinner, that's just rude."

I stomp onto the other side of the bank and trudge through the shrubbery, pushing past brambles and branches.

"I mean, really, I woulda preferred a nice steak or some caviar- hell some Mc-D's would have been fine." I wade through the greenery while going over the proper etiquette one must carry out before the touching of the buttocks, really just getting mad that I can't eat beef anymore.

I'm no tracker, but I can easily spot some hoof prints in the mud, leading me to my victim. Whoever it is they're really sloppy about covering their trail if even I can.....

Hold on a tick.

I stop for a minute and begin to think. Boomerang, check. Robe, check. Dart, that I'm going to assume came out of a blowpipe, considering distance.... yeah, I'm being played.

Whoever it was that was doing this was obviously prepared, they knew their shit, probably thrived out here in the woods, knew the terrain most likely. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I'd rather be nervous and aware of my surroundings rather than angry and blind to a machete in the back.

Well, probably not a machete, story hasn't really progressed far enough to where I'd be likely to die.

Taking a deep breath and steadying myself, I think about my situation. I can continue following the tracks deeper into the dark unknown of rustling leaves and branches where my prey most likely knows the terrain even better and probably had a few more tricks up its sleeve.

Or, I could just turn around, go back to the river, finish cleaning myself, and wash my hands of this whole affair. Get it? Wash my hands?..... Shut up. It's funny.

But, what would that get me? A potentially dangerous who's-it-what's-it knowing my general location where it could choose to assault me again, or even lead a mob of ponies to attack me in my own abode. Can't have that quite yet. We're only at chapter five.

However, the more important question is what did I have to do back at the castle to keep me preoccupied?

"Chasing a mysterious hooded figure out of sheer boredom?" I say, tapping a finger to my chin. "Sure! Why not?"

I place my foot forward over a suspicious pile of leaves until I make note that, that indeed is a suspicious pile of leaves.

Stopping my foot just inches from coming down on said pile, I slowly retract it and move it to the side. With a quick motion I brush the pile off with my foot, to find a crudely fashioned rope made of vines lying in wait.

I crouch down, balancing on the balls of my feet as I inspect the trap and let out a low whistle. "Well crikey mate, if I stepped in that there didgeridoo, I woulda been nothing but vegemite!" I say in a ridiculous Aussie accent with an accompanied hat atop my head. I know what I spouted was rubbish, but hey, my assailant doesn't know that.

Standing back at my full height I move around the vine and towards the right.

Only to feel something tighten around my ankle.

I look down and see another of the vines ensnaring my foot, having been concealed much more expertly in the dirt, tugging at my leg with more and more force.

I look up in a general direction and say, "Mother," before I'm pulled forward onto my back as my head collides directly with the ground.

I let out a groan of pain before the rope picks up the slack again dragging me forward quite quickly while the back of my skull bangs against several rocks lying along on the ground. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

Before I know it, I'm being lifted off the ground, the rope leaving me swaying from momentum, to impact directly into a tree trunk.

"Where's the leak, ma'am?" I say dazedly as I begin to black out.

I wake up later to a pounding in my head, letting loose a groan to announce my hatred of the assumed hilarity of head trauma to the author.

I creak my eyes open to see that it's now, at the earliest, dusk, while I sway back and forth.

My arms are hanging a few inches off the ground, my left leg dangling off to the side in a weird angle and severely cramped. My suit is crumpled and scuffed with dirt and dust, bits of foliage are sticking out here and there. My body suit as well, is in similar straits, overall my appearance is not at its finest.

My hat's still perched on my head though. Upside-down. You know, 'cause why not.

I look around expecting to be confronted any second now by my assailant, but all that I can really hear are the swaying of branches, the cries of crickets serenading the night, the occasional howl or call of some animal in the distance. All good signs, no predators.

I wait a good five minutes expecting an entrance of some sort. Until I decide that enough of my blood has traveled to my head and try to start to move my upper body in a position that I can finagle with the knot holding my ankle trapped.

Which is when said intruder finally decides to make itself known.

I sigh, as I hear the ominous rustling of bushes all around me in an attempt to intimidate my green ass.

I let myself fall back down, letting whoever it is get their kicks.... at least to a point.

Several seconds later, everything is still, all is silent. I move my arms to my chest and fold them, while tapping a finger.

I hear the sound of several glass containers crashing against the dirt behind the foliage as multi-colored gasses seep forward. Little pinpoints of light float lazily in the gas giving a sort of mystic vibe to it.

At least the special effects were well done.

A voice finally announced itself from behind the shrubbery, "Creature of features most horrid, what are you doing in this forest?" The decidedly feminine voice booms out making the hovering lights shudder and the gasses to twist and curl.

Oh, great.

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" I retort, snapping at the voice.

"......" There is a pause, the speaker doesn't really know how to respond to that, which is good, flabbergasted is always a sweet expression, even if I can't really see it. One can merely taste it in the air.

It isn't long before she picks back up again, "Your ill tongue speaks nothing but du-"

"Okay, no. That's enough rhyming, you don't have to do that, especially since you were about to mention fecal matter. I've had enough of that today." I say as I continue to sway back and forth.

"I'm not telling you to stop, I know it's not an accent, man, I knew I set it up as a joke, but I can't believe that y'all decided to keep going at it." In reality, it was to preserve, or at least force this place to follow more along the lines of the continuity of the show, but little secrets.

"Just get out here, you obviously didn't get a good look at me."

The clearing stays still, until my hooded assailant clops into view through a nearby bush.

The brown cloak shadows her face aside from her muzzle sticking out a bit and her glowing yellow eyes staring at me menacingly.

"Cut it out with the enchanted hood, I know it can probably help you spot incoming predators in the woods, but it probably doesn't help much with details." Man, you'd figure the blood would be leaking out of my ears by now.

She brings a hoof up and waves to dissipate the gas, and what I find to be fireflies buzzing around. That's actually a nice touch there.

After most of the gas has spread thin, she pushes back her hood with the already raised hoof to reveal a zebra mare with a large striped mohawk. Gold rings clink along her neck, along with her dangling earrings, which are of a similar make.

And I mean, c'mon, most of you have already known, not guessed, but known, that it's Zecora.

She takes one look at me without her forest visionTM, and her eyes quickly shrink to pinpricks.

She drops down, one foreleg on the ground, the other forward, her body at an angle and her eyes closed in supplication. Basically, a bow.

I wince at this, even though I expected as much, it comes with the territory.

Although it's probably a little funny to see a zebra bowing down to a biped in my current positio-

"All hail, the great Uniter!" She says while seeming to dip lower.

Now I just groan. You can even hear the capital letter.

"Right, stop that," she opens an eye and looks up at me, "up you go. Does it look like I can metal-ben-" Wait, I can do that if I want, "Does it look like I have a giant mec-" No, that's also feasible.

I put a fist under my chin and think of something that may apply.

I snap my fingers with realization, "Does it look like this series is going to end with an ambiguous lesbian romance?" I ask her with both arms folded assertively and a smug look that can't be seen through my mask upon my face.

"At least I hope not." I say, turning to stare off in a general direction.

"What?" she asks, staring at me with a stupefied expression. At least she's stopped with the worship.

"Never mind, too much head trauma." I bluntly state. "Now, would you kindly..." I gesture to my current predicament. The vine rope creaking a bit as if to emphasize my point.

Zecora's eyes widen again and she hastily moves to somewhere behind the trunk and fiddle with whatever counterweight or mechanism is holding me up.

When I feel myself lurch to the ground, I realize my mistake.

I wave my arms around to futilely grab her attention "Oh, no, no, no, wai-" Of course, it's too late.

The crown of my head lands on the ground, followed quickly by the rest of my body crumpling to the side.

"So much hate." I groan out as what little dirt I have lifted from my impact settles around and on me, further dirtying my suit.

Zecora trots over and looks at me as if she had just set fire to a nativity scene in front of a church, fearful of divine retribution of some sort.

Ignoring her, I begin to pick myself up, dusting off what I can to make myself somewhat presentable, still finding a glob of bird excrement here and there, that I hadn't quite had the chance to wash off.

After doing as well as a job as I can I look to Zecora to see her bowing, again.

"Stop that." I say letting some actual anger bleed through.

"Wha-?" She doesn't quit with the worship and continues to bow, her head raised and still terrified.

"You stop that right now, or I swear I will punt you all the way across this forest back to Zebrica at speeds unheard of by you, your kin, or any other being on this planet." She looks confused as well, expecting gratitude maybe?

"But it is only proper-"

"No." I quickly cut in moving to her and picking her up and holding her at arm's length to stare directly at her. She looks like she's about to piss herself, but this needs to be ingrained, also, it might be unfair, but I need to vent.

"You do not bow to me." I say, the edge in my voice hopefully apparent. "Bowing indicates inferiority. You are not lesser, but my equal as a person, to lower yourself to such a standard is a disgrace upon you and your family as well as my own principles." I know I'm squeezing her a little hard, but at least the message will get across.

She looks like she's going to protest my past, but I quickly cut it off. "I only allowed it in the courts seeing as explaining to each and every citizen would have been tedious and most likely ignored regardless. But you," I lift one of my arms away from her and jab her with a finger "are not in a court, and I was never a king nor divine." I'm staring at her, my mask scrunched up to give me an angry face, as she seems to be hyperventilating. "So cut that shit out, mm'kay?" I ask with a smile, letting my anger dissolve instantaneously.

She's trembling by the end of it as I drop her and let her crumple to the ground. I step back and rock on my heels to let her gather her bearings and catch her breath. I know that I don't want people to think of me as a demigod or whatever, but it is apparent that despite Celestia's meddling my name still holds some weight in at least some corners of the world.

"Right," I say letting the zebra stare at me in a somewhat calmer manner, "there's obviously been some changes while I've been gone, as is to be expected." I turn to face the mare more directly. "All I ask is three things," I hold up three fingers. "What are the statuses of the other nations?" I tick off the fingers as I go, "What has Celestia hidden? And most importantly," I lean down over Zecora again, intimidating her a bit more.

"You wouldn't happen to have a bar of soap would you?"

Author's Note

Right, have a merry Christmas to everyone watching this story, have this as a present. Or happy holidays, Imma stuff my face with more latkes and chocolate coins, have fun with your fruit cakes.

Also, I hate to say it, but I really don't like this chapter, didn't flow too well for me. Let's see what anyone else thinks.

Chapter 6- It's My Special Treat......

WARNING THIS CHAPTER IS LESS FUNNY AND MORE SERIOUS. ALSO GORE. I THINK. GORE IN STORIES NEVER BOTHERED ME, SO I AM A BAD JUDGE AS TO WHETHER PEOPLE WILL BE SQUEAMISH ABOUT THIS OR NOT. SO I'M GIVING A HEADS-UP JUST IN CASE.

Chapter 6- It's My Special Treat......

After giving myself an especially thorough scrubbing via a chunk of solidified and treated animal fat, I felt refreshed. Although, Zecora watching me as I bathed didn't really help matters.

I know that most species on this world had no qualms traipsing about buck naked, so effectively, privacy of the body wasn't as thoroughly respected as human standards.

There was some degree of it of course, such as bathrooms, but really, almost non-existent. A good deal of anime peeping-tom jokes would fly over Ponies' heads.

But I digress.

After I was sure that every crevice of my body was cleansed of bird scat, I headed towards the bank to dry off, Zecora waiting nearby.

I flopped on the ground and let the last rays of the sun dry me off as an errant breeze blew through the trees rustling the leaves above. It was all quite Zen actually. I even got a few drops of mana out of it.

A cough broke me out of my trance, I craned my head up to see Zecora standing a little ways in front of me scuffing her hoof along the ground, still looking nervous.

I moved my hands behind me and used them to propel myself into an upright position, while crossing my legs so I was sitting Indian style as I gave her my full attention.

She quirked an eyebrow at my newly assumed position and began to stare at my legs. I waited a few seconds before coughing to gain her attention. She gathered herself before looking at my crossed legs again and hesitantly asked, "Are- are they supposed to bend that way?"

"Don't worry about it," I waved it off, literally, "it's really quite comfortable." She didn't seem to buy it, but I didn't really care either way. "So," I said in an attempt to get the conversation back on track, "where were we, exactly?"

Zecora blinked again, her face reddening at realizing that she been wasting time by her staring at my anatomy. Jeez, that sounds dirtier than it is.

"You wished to know the status of the other kingdoms and what the usurper has hidden from the public ser Manic."

"Ah, yes!" I say, clapping my hands together. "That! Let's hear the damage report!"

Zecora seems a little bewildered with my joyous tone and gives a bit of a wince at my using 'damage report' but continues nonetheless.

"The Gryphons have returned to a feudalistic society, several kingdoms all vying for power in a game of politics and intrigue to gain the title of high-king." Zecora explains, "However, one hasn't been chosen in over five centuries seeing as the nobles wish to only rule their serfs and don't want a higher authority to govern them, leading to much of the lands suffering and the people going hungry as the nobles stuff their beaks."

"Excellent," I interrupt, Zecora once again perturbed by my ecstatic response, "An unhappy people make for an easily swayed people. They would be more than willing to at least try a new form of government." I contemplate aloud, stroking my hand under my chin as I look off in the distance thinking of what angle I could play to garner the Gryphons' favor.

I wait for Zecora to continue, but she doesn't as she stares at me. I sigh and motion with my hand, as Zecora once again jumps to it.

"The Minotaurs are still mostly tribal in culture, although a good amount have taken to adopting more modern ways, and a great number still honor your teachings to them and continue to travel as minstrels and bards. Sadly, a great number of songs that you have taught them have been lost to history."

"Well, that will be easy enough to rectify," I shrug, "I'm glad that some listened to what I had to say and took it to heart, though." I smile wistfully thinking of the past.

"My people," Zecora says, with a hint of pride in her voice. "Continue to train in the arts of nature and spirits, we remain your ever loyal scouts and shamans, unaffected by the usurper's hoof seeing as she can't effectively reach our lands. We did make sure to hide our nature when necessary of course." She says looking smug.

"Good, good. And tell me," I lean forward with interest, "What of the Fae?" Although, I already expect a certain answer after I had dealt with them.

"They are no longer comparable to their full strength, but are a still a threat," Zecora admits as she thinks on the subject. "They are no longer beasts, but now known as a species dubbed Changelings, although they now lack in their sheer ferocity they are cunning and are excellent infiltrators and spies, presenting a much different danger than in ages past. They do keep mostly to themselves, though."

I nod, glad that I was indeed correct in my assumption.

"Now, tell me of the Saddle Arabians," I continue.

Zecora, smiles and begins. "They have prospered almost as much as Equestria has," my eyes lift in surprise at that fact, remembering the arid desert that they resided in, "they have subjugated their former masters and used them to build a grand sprawling empire in the san-"

"WHAT!?" I yell out, my voice echoing in the trees, as Zecora's ears fold back.

I don't care though.

I grab her face and put her directly in front of mine.

"You tell me that again, right now." I growl out, my mask twisted in a snarl.

"The- the Saddle Arabians ha- have enslaved the A- Apes, their for- former masters." Zecora's trembling in my grasp, fearful of my response.

"Son. Of. A. Bitch." I grate through my teeth, letting go of the Zebra's muzzle as she backpedals away from me as I rise. "Haven't they learned? What is this, a tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye?" I'm pacing back and forth raging at this folly. "I free them from bondage, let them live their own lives, make their own choices, and they choose to spit. In. My. FACE?!" I stomp on the ground, making a small crater as what little mana I have bleeds off of me. I need to fix this. I need to go there right now, and- no.

I sigh, as I reel myself in. No, charging in blindly will not do. I must gather my strength, look to every outcome and prepare. I hope Celly had something to do with the Arabians' current society, but even so, it will most likely not stay my hand.

I look at Zecora again who is towards the edge of the river. I suppose her people remember my person most of all. Raving mad one minute, peaceful and tranquil the next.

I trudge over to her, and she backs up, until one of her back hooves splashes in the water. She looks back and then forward at me again, only to see me sitting once more before her.

"There is no need to worry," I tell her, as some of her stiffness lets up. Somewhat. "I will try to hold in my anger where I can."

She looks into my blank mask trying to discern what she cannot, until deciding to continue on.

What little else she has to tell me is of no real import, or is already knowledge I hold. The Breezies have retreated back to their homeland, no longer able to float upon the wind due to the unnatural weather of Sun-Butt's rule. The Diamond Dogs have all but shunned Pony contact, Unicorn nobles taking what captives they can as their own personal gem excavator had not endeared Ponies in their eyes. Their own response early after my.... imposed vacation, brought the wrath of the then formidable guard on their heads forcing them into deep exile underground... and inbreeding.

I sigh as my mind wanders into the fogs of the past.

I can hear voices.

Faint and wavering, but definitely voices.

But at the same time yelling, frantic. Something was happening.

Something bad.

I don't know what's going on though. I'm at that moment when you are just waking up and you feel like you're at the border of life and death. Alive yet nonexistent at the same time.

I wait for it to pass as the voices warble in and out. I can catch pieces of what they're saying. "Falling", "should not be", "mana", "crystals", and "now" seem to be popping up a lot, but I can't assign meaning to them. So I lay there waiting for my state of limbo to taper off and let myself gain enough strength to address the world around me.

But nothing happens.

The commotion is still going on around me, but I can't seem to be able to wake myself.

I try to move a part of my body, to focus on touch to provide a stimulus in a more concentrated attempt to spur myself onwards to full consciousness. But I can't.

I find that I actually cannot feel my body, that I'm just floating in black with the voices echoing around me.

For whatever reason I'm not panicking even though I know I should. Instead I find myself trying to find something else for my mind to grasp. I release my focus from my musculature and begin to effectively stumble about in whatever dark I'm surrounded by within my mind.

I don't have a sense of time at the moment of my bungling about of whatever mindscape I am in, so I wouldn't be able to tell you how long I'd been mucking about for, with my only link to the outside world being the nondescript voices that continue to echo around me.

Eventually though, I come across something. I am unsure as to what exactly it is but it feels like a structure of some sort. I feel along it and I have the vaguest sense of something hastily and haphazardly constructed, yet at the same time intricate and ingenious in its design.

It seems to stretch down indefinitely, anchoring something to whatever lies at the bottom of this abyss around me, providing an outlying support. At the same time though, it's barring something from me. This construct, aside from providing support is doubling as a barrier, a wall to something that I can feel reaching out to me, trying to slither through absent cracks. And I can feel myself reaching back, reciprocating.

Whatever it is that's calling to me, it's integral, a part of me.

And I need it.

I reach through, pressing through the wall in front of me forcing myself between it and pushing forward getting closer and closer to the source within.

I can feel it responding and worming its way to me in kind, the noises outside are getting more frantic but they are merely murmurs, I'm so focused on what's in front of me, what I'm so close to.

I'm reaching the final stretch and give a final push against this unknown framework, finally meeting the thing calling to me as I feel whatever was surrounding it crumble and collapse around me.

Then I wake.

My eyes pop open and there's silence around what I recognize as a ramshackle, well, shack. At least from what I can tell of the warped and -in places- rotten wood paneling of the ceiling above me I believe I'm in a wooden hut of some sort.

I push myself up from the moldy tattered mattress below me and spot shifting movement in front of me. I take notice of a group of creatures staring at me both worriedly and warily. Ponies, Zebras, a Gryphon and Diamond Dog as well, although somewhat cramped in the confines of the room.

It's then that I almost regain the sensation of my body. My stomach feels strangely empty, and not food-wise, almost as if...

My head tilts down towards my middle almost achingly slow.

My gut does not look normal, my skin is almost stretched taut over my ribs, giving me a more emaciated look, which doesn't help with my now caved-in stomach. Really, my flesh is sloping too far in, curved at too deep an angle, as if there is nothing inside.

That's when I cough up phlegm and a disturbing amount of blood on the sweat-drenched sheets blanketing me that I know that my organs are missing.

Not just removed, but gone.

And then my senses fully return.

I'm not completely sure what happened next due to the utter wrongness and blinding pain of my body trying to function without whatever parts I am currently missing along with the fact that I am devoid of the benefit of anesthetic nor unconsciousness. But I know that I'm screaming, as more blood flows from my mouth gargling the pain I'm expressing. I've been pushed down back against the bed by a multitude of limbs and appendages holding me as I thrash about. My body moving in some confusing manner, acting on instinct unable to decide whether to fight or fly, instead leading to physical hysteria as I contort against the firm grips on my body.

"We need more," something yells next to my ear somehow able to raise itself over the death shriek that is tearing through my bloodied throat.

There's scrambling and clattering about as my body wracks itself in even more pain, spasms running through me as I feel the utter wrongness inside, fluids entering places they should not within my body, their normal containers absent in directing them through my system, my inner walls burning.

My restrained limbs are pushing more and more against the bodies above me, actually succeeding in battering and knocking the people holding me as my abdomen begins to shrink more, and I feel a piece of me just fade away, just slowly and surely voiding itself almost as if it was never there in the first place and even more dark crimson stains my chin and chest, the sheets having been torn off in the confusion most likely.

"It will not hold still," another voice lets out as a light hovers near me, "it shan't channel into it unless it ceases its moving!"

At this point I don't even know how I'm still conscious, I'm convulsing on the bed as my insides mix together in the cavity that originally held most of my digestive tract and the fading begins to crawl up to my chest.

I feel a resurgence of force pinning me down as more bodies rush at me along with several glowing auras surrounding me. They're able to hold me as still as possible although I'm still shaking and a mix of saliva and blood is still frothing and dribbling from my mouth.

The light from before is moved above me as I am held flat, revealing a large glittering yellow crystal, about the length of my forearm, glowing and humming with power. It's placed directly in front of my forehead, the tip almost piercing my skin as my body jumps and fidgets.

A red glow surrounds the crystal and begins to pulse in time with its yellow energy. The red aura then moves to my head followed by a trail of yellow leaking from the gem, traveling along the path.

I begin to feel.... different. The pain is still present, but receding and dulling as more energy flows into me. My senses grow more weary as well, as the adrenaline I felt tapers off with the oncoming drowsiness spreading through my limbs.

My eyelids grow heavy and close as a multitude of heads stare down at me.

I bolt up immediately as I wake, catapulting the replaced sheets over my body across the room.

I'm drenched in my sweat and finding myself panting heavily, my eyes pinned straight ahead, unseeing.

My diaphragm is rising and falling in a quick pace, I'm almost at the verge of hyperventilating.

I stay like this as my mind continues to replay what I've gone through in the past day.

Honestly, it has to be a fever dream.

I must have caught something from the 'con and was probably transported to the hospital, and through a combination of drugs, and whatever illness that I have now recovered from, (probably Ebola, Ebola makes you hallucinate, totally true) had imagined the whole thing within my disease and chemically muddled mind.

If I had paid more attention as I began to shakily move my legs towards the floor, I would have noticed that the environs from my supposed fantasy hadn't changed. I might have debunked the supposed fact that I was now contained within a fictional realm of wildest fantasies, but alas, the mind is a stubborn thing, what-have-you. Perhaps my subconscious was merely obstructing my view, narrowing it so I could deny the fantastical truth.

Or it could have been my recent trauma.

I'm still stumbling, tottering as I move forwards, my left gripping the splintered posting of the bed as I reeled and curled in on myself as I felt bile rise. I stopped myself from wrenching and forced the acid back down my throat. Still not a pleasant experience.

Catching my breath, I pushed off the post and moved towards the door standing within the confines of my vision.

I reach the handle as I gasp for more air, resting my weight upon it. Building my reserves back up.

I stop my heaving more quickly this time and straighten myself up as I gain more strength. Despite recovering from an illness I should at least be somewhat presentable, right?

I push the door open and my eyes immediately squint from direct contact of the sun's rays. I had moved my hand up in response, providing a visor as I hissed at the light piercing my gaze.

I began scrunching my eyes tightly and blinking them as I balled my fists and rubbed at my tearing lids.

Blinking more owlishly, adjusting to the daylight, I decided to survey the hospital wing that I had just entered into, the sunlight not having fully registered in my mind.

I found instead in front of me, a number of huts, tents, smoldering fire-pits and other such like-minded things, situated over packed, trodden dirt, with a multitude of creatures stopping and staring at me.

Zebras, Diamond Dogs, Ponies, Gryphons, a couple of Minotaurs, and even an adolescent Dragon had seemed to stop whatever it was they were doing to return my wide-eyed gaze.

I continued to stare at them unblinkingly, not quite sure what expression was painted upon my face, they returning me in kind with a range of emotions played out in a rainbow of.... well some sort of word, diversity maybe?

Deciding to act, I closed the door, clenched my eyes shut, breathed in and out while counting to ten, and then opened my eyes along with the door.

The same scene as before greeted me, although now with a dash more of confusion added into the mix of expressions.

I stood there in the entry as the mass mirrored me.

I raised a cupped fist to my mouth and rasped a dry cough making a few in the crowd stir and jump.

"Sorry," my voice scratched against my throat, "...... wrong number." I slowly closed the door and rested my back against it as I stared back at the wooden single room and bed.

I pushed myself off the door and stumped towards the far left corner, grabbing at the sullied sheets and dragging them as I passed the hay-stuffed mattress that originally held me.

I reached the corner with the sheets following me along the floor.

I stooped down, folded my knees to my chest and dragged the blanket over my body, covering me as I clasped my arms around my legs and held them tightly against my torso.

"It's just Ebola, it's just Ebola." I began to mutter to myself repeatedly.

I couldn't accept this, it just isn't possible. Sentient, talking, mythological animals? It's absurd, a different world filled with magicians and manticores and giant star bears and so many other horrible abominations that could tear my throat out, or just as easily flatten me into paste? No, I was in a hospital just having an extremely lucid dream, and a heart monitor is right next to me beeping rhythmically as I lie unconscious.

I began to try to hear the imagined monitor whilst in my perceived illusion.

I even made some beeping noises to sort of simulate what I believed my heart-rate sounded like currently.

While I was still trying to convince myself of the possibility of an Ebola-coma.

I imagine it didn't sound pretty.

I stopped as the door creaked open behind me and shut itself.

I continued to stare forward at the wall in front of me with the sheets draped over my body as whatever had entered the room stayed silent as well, unmoving and most likely staring at my form.

This lasted for an awkwardly-silent thirty seconds before a single clop echoes in the tiny cottage.

I promptly revert to my Ebola-beeping mutterings/ravings as I now add a rocking motion to my fetal position.

I mean it can't be real, right? If it was, then that would mean-

"Ser, I am asking thee to stop in thy murmurs and return to thy cot."

I don't bother responding to the masculine voice and as if in retaliation my ranting grows higher and louder.

A sigh is let loose and a red shimmering surrounds me, lifting my sheet enwreathed body into the air.

I proceed to freak the fuck out.

Whoever is in the room with me is yelling at me presumably, but I don't care.

I need to leave. To go. Be anywhere, but where I am now.

I'm twisting and turning my body in the thoroughly tangled sheets while my person is being swung wildly about in the air, I almost feel like a gyroscope as I let loose an inarticulate scream of fear along with a pinch of determination.

It doesn't last long, though.

"Silence thyself!" The voice yelled out as the top of my skull landed with a quite audible crack against the floor.

I groaned as I raised my crumpled form to a sitting position, the crack having resonated from the floorboards rather than my cranium, it sure as hell felt as if my brain-pan was cracked open, though.

I wasn't able to struggle against the magical grip as I was levitated over and onto the mattress and the sheets were wrapped and knotted around my wrists and the legs of the bed.

I was panting heavily at this point, my chest heaving up and down animatedly as I tried to catch my breath, slowly but surely stilling itself and returning to a more even and relaxed pace.

I stared at my visitor who stared right back.

The voice belonged to a gray furred young looking stallion, with a short black mane filled with errant sticks and bramble poking out here and there adding to the overall disheveled style he currently had his mane in along with his tail. His gray colored horn spiraled out of his head denoting his inherent ability with magic, and his large burgundy eyes began to trail over me, looking me up and down, studying my body.

If I wasn't so busy trying to convince myself that this current reality was false, I might have admonished him for not buying me dinner first.

The unicorn stopped undressing me with its eyes after a minute and returned my quivering stare as I sat/lay on the bed, the sheets still holding taut.

"What are thee, creature?" The unicorn glared at me, his eyes narrowing.

I honestly was not sure how to respond, I needed this to be a dream, an illusion, a fantasy of my mind, like I'd thought before. But more and more, the signs were pointing to the conclusion that I did not want to reach.

I held my gaze to him, hardening it in defense, returning his glare but not quite as effectively, my fear assuredly showing through my stare.

The unicorn seemed to take challenge to that.

His eyes widening slightly as he smirked.

He moved towards the bed and climbed atop the mattress, pinning me with his hooves on my arms and legs, his muzzle almost touching my nose.

"If thou will not speak," a hoof began to grind and twist on my arm, eliciting a hiss of pain from my mouth. "We shalt make thee."

The pressure was building more and more as the unicorn twisted, and pushed his weight down upon my limb, a slight leer forming on his muzzle.

I bit my lip as the stallion continued to torture me, not really sure why I was resisting. Perhaps the fact that I didn't want to give the sick bastard the satisfaction.

A threshold was reached however, as the pain began to spike and almost prickle at my bone.

"Stop!" I gasp out, tears that were forming in my eyes already trailing down my cheeks.

The unicorn loosened his grip, but only a little. "Art we more willing to discuss, hmmm?"

I nodded through my grit teeth and closed eyes as the hoof let up more and more slowly, to a still noticeable but not as painful pressure.

"Now, I ask thee again," the unicorn began, "what art thee?"

"Human." I stutter, my tongue almost tripping over itself.

The unicorn raised a brow as if unsure what use that information would have.

"And, tell me, hyoo-mon," he said, emphasizing the word, rolling it around with his tongue. "What is thy business?"

"My- what?"

"Thy business, knave!" The unicorn bellowed, his malodorous breath warming my face.

"I don't have any," I practically screech back, hoping the stallion won't get more creative and try to stab my eye out with his horn.

"Dost thou take me for a fool?" The unicorn twists with both hooves as I flinch from the beginning pressure.

"We find thy body inert on the path leading towards the Royals," he spits the title, saliva now thinly coating my face. "A strange unheard-of creature appearing in our midsts, holding to the string of life but barely, begging our assistance. Mayhap it be outlandish, but the Royals' spies have tried more ludicrous schemes, of this I am aware."

Again, I am left confounded as to how to respond to this irate equine. No matter what I may tell him he might account to a poorly trained rogue.

He eventually eases up again and cools his anger to a more icy rage, glaring at me intently.

"What is thy name, cur?"

I move to reply so as to prevent more trauma, but bite my tongue. Even in my frightened state I'm reluctant to give my name. Magic and names often have disastrous results, at least for one individual.

My hesitation is noticed and the pony applies more force to my arms as I cry out.

"I don't have one!"

It goes without saying that he didn't buy it.

The unicorn reared back to slam his front hooves down on my arms as I scrunch my eyes shut and turned my head away in anticipation of the impact, until a shriek causes him to stumble and miss his mark.

"Manticore pack!" A voice sounded through the feeble walls as a louder commotion could be heard growing outside.

The unicorn moved to regain his balance, leapt off the bed and slammed the door open as he dashed into the growing ruckus.

Myself, having been promptly forgotten, at least for the time being, tried to calm my thumping chest and still my ragged breath.

Roars sounded off a good distance away as the bustling about outside tapered off, to a lighter sense of urgency.

Finding myself free of interference I looked to my bindings, with the quite reasonable goal of getting the fuck outta dodge.

The sheets still held my wrists bound to the legs of the bed, which while this left my legs and feet free, the bindings were tied taut leaving me no real room to maneuver. Looking towards the knots I can see that the sheets are still a tad damp from my recovery. My sweat and blots of dried blood coating it.

I began to wriggle my fingers and try to force my hand through the knotted sheets, folding my thumb in. After much finagling and a quite sore right wrist, I got my hand through. Now using my liberated appendage, I undid the knot on my left, freeing myself from my confines.

I moved swiftly for the door, my hand resting on the handle once again, about to push it open to get anywhere else but here, when I think better of myself. I restrain my motion so as to not barge right into another unwelcome situation.

I creak the door open a smidge to peer outside.

For all intents and purposes this dilapidated hamlet was practically deserted as far as my gaze could confer. There were a few tracks heading to the right, down a dirt-packed road where the sounds of conflict could be heard.

I peek my head out to look around some more.

A few more of the tracks seemed to go off in their own separate directions, heading to other shacks and tents, what windows that could be seen in a couple shacks were covered by anything ranging from hastily placed rotted bark, seemingly stripped from trees, to curtains of rags interspersed by vines. As for the tents, a few of them were actually shivering or shuffling a bit, threatening to topple over their inhabitants.

Seeing that no one was keeping watch or lookout for me, at least as far as I could tell, I fully stepped out onto the road and promptly made my way in the opposite direction of the yelling and snarls.

I needed to leave. This community where I had been tortured, but more importantly, leave in general. I'm not supposed to be here. I could just feel it. I wasn't supposed to be here, and I didn't want to be. I needed to be home, where things felt... natural, right, with my friends, family, the life I had built up.

That driving thought moved me down the street, my own caution preventing me from belting out in a sprint, not fully trusting every single one of the inhabitants to stifle their curiosity due to a pack of ravenous carnivores bearing down on them.

I had made it towards the edge of the village, the forest separated from the town via a clearing about twenty feet across.

Until I heard fast-paced thudding moving in my direction.

Acting quickly, I dove for one of the shacks, hiding behind a wall, and peeking my head out a small angle so as to see what was making its way towards me.

As the sound approached and grew louder, I could hear the thudding becoming more inconsistent, as if emanating from more than one source.

Soon, three continuous shrieks could be made out. Squinting my eyes, approaching me were three fillies. I assumed they were female by the sound of their voices. Bearing down on them, huffing and snarling, was a manticore of medium size, meaning fucking huge.

This thing had a mouth wide enough to swallow up my whole arm.

It seems that Fluffy here was smarter than the rest of the pack at least and had broken away from the skirmish, or perhaps was waiting in the forest for it to happen. Choosing the perfect moment to pounce.

The three were soon screeching by my intended path, as the manticore picked up the pace, making a little headway.

I was already moving by the time the manticore was clear, heading for the forest. I was almost free from of this hell-hole, that is until a louder shriek made me pause, watching the four gain ground.

..........It wasn't my problem, really, what sort of parent lets their kids wander about in this situation?

.............They had nothing to do with me, I didn't owe them anything, especially after the lot I had so far been dealt here.

.......Someone would probably be brave enough to help them...... right...?

"........ Fuck it!"

This was not Stainless's brightest moment.

To be honest, he's had a long list of not-bright moments in his so far short life. Ironic really when the second half of your name was Flare. But that is neither of here or now.

What was now was that he and his two friends were running from an animal that all they cared to know of it, was that it ate. They'd spend nights at times, staying up huddled together listening to the roars of these beasts in the distance. Shaking under their blankets at the ones that sounded off too close for comfort.

They'd whisper to each other stories of how the monsters would run about, their jaws always open, a maw of razor teeth beckoning, shoveling whatever was in their path down their gullet to feed their perpetual hunger.

And Stainless decided he wanted one as a pet.

Surely, the older residents of the town would be impressed with such a feat, along with the facts that a pet manticore would perhaps do more to deter bad ponies and creatures, even though the town already had a resident dragon and two, although famished, hard-as-rock minotaurs. The child did not take that into account.

He was mostly motivated by, gaining his mark if successful in his endeavor. This was how he was able to motivate his two (usually more level-headed) friends into this foolhardy venture.

And it was a mistake. But that's already been established.

The three were quite tired now, on the verge of collapse really. Blossom, the filly on his left was lagging behind him and their Zebra friend, Itri.

Stainless urged her to run faster, the filly crying in response, tears streaming down her face.

She was either going to stumble or fall from exhaustion soon.

Stainless wouldn't let her though, he'd throw himself at the beast to buy his friends time.

At least that's what he told himself.

Looking back at the monster, he knew deep down that he couldn't. Its eyes burning with a raging fire, jagged teeth dripping with drool, claws that would rend and tear his flesh, a stinger filled to the brim with deadly poison. It would rip him to shreds. Except it wouldn't be him. It would be Blossom.

And it would be all his fault.

Stainless choked back a sob, or a wail, he wasn't really sure which, his throat feeling as if scabbed over from yelling.

He looked back to Blossom, tears still streaming, but now with a look on her face. A look that made the pit in his stomach drop even more. It was peaceful, accepting, she knew what would happen, a sad smile adorning her muzzle.

Stainless was about to yell despite his throat, the manticore mere inches away from Blossom's tail.

That is, until the manticore jolted, a thudding impact resounding at least a little loud enough to be heard over their sprinting.

Not knowing why, Stainless skid to a stop, bewildered as to what halted the abomination. His friends mirroring him, trying to convince him to keep running until they took note of the manticore as well.

The beast had turned and was now crouching to pounce while letting out a snarl towards a tall skinny-legged thing, that looked somewhat winded from running, and yet had a look of glee and bewilderment on its face.

"I can't believe that actually worked!" It was carrying a pile of rocks in one of its hands, a few spilling out onto the ground.

Having a clear view at the beast's back, Stainless could see blood flowing from the back of its skull. A light gash, had opened up, a soft wet glistening matting a portion of its mane in the sunlight.

The new thing, which Stainless recognized as the mysterious what's-it the adults had been talking about being dragged into town after finding it on the side of the road. It had piqued his interest to begin with, but not enough to actually steal a glance while it was resting, and he had only heard the few mutterings about town as he was more preoccupied with the priority of manticore taming.

The oversized feline let out a louder snarl and steadily moved to the thing. This actually prompted the whatever-it-was to actually start moving, its previous surprised smile now replaced with one of more panicked urgency.

Almost tripping over itself from jumping at the manticore's advance, it spun around and began to sprint off, the manticore responding in kind, pushing off after it, not willing to let this interloper escape, while conveniently forgetting its earlier goals.

Stainless sat there for about three more seconds before rushing off after the two, his friends too winded to notice his departure.

'Why?'

Having gained the manticore's attention -much to my own surprise- I was now regretting my actions, although I had suspected I would anyways.

'Why? Why? Why?'

The thing was after me, following my late start, I'm not sure as to what its reasoning was for not charging straight towards me after I had hit its head. Maybe because it recognized me as an unknown element?

'Why did I do something so stupid?'

I could hear it getting closer, growling and snorting out of its nostrils the whole way through. Its claws digging away at the dirt as it rushed at me.

'Why were there a bunch of kids out?'

I could almost feel it on me now, its breath against my back.

I moved before I knew what I was doing.

I made a sharp turn, angling my body with my legs, to keep balance, as I felt something rush behind me, claws scraping against dirt.

Looking back, the manticore had kept moving forward as I made my turn, its momentum carrying it along. While this thing's body was faster than mine, what with four legs to run with, I could perform tighter turns and juke it, my bipedal stance allowing tighter control and precision. It had skid a good distance away as I surveyed my environment.

We had moved a ways away from the village, now closer to the tree-line, a good amount of open land between the two of us.

I moved for the trees as the bounding thumps of the manticore began again. I made it past the greenery, the manticore having caught up, bearing down on me.

I thrust my arm out, grasping a tree and swung myself around, letting the manticore skid forward again as I bolted along the tree line, jumping over an errant root and shrub here and there, weaving around the trees.

I twisted my head around as I ran, to see my pursuer's progress. The beast was struggling to keep with my pace, its body was too wide to move quickly through the trees. It roared in frustration as I continued to gain ground, and I sighed in relief, turning my head back in time to catch a little gray and red blur run by me, along the border of the forest in the clearing.

My eyes widened as I slowed.

'No, they cannot be that stupid.'

I stopped and stared at the tiny foal running past me.

Closer to the manticore.

"God fucking dammit!"

I sprinted after this child that was most likely touched in the head. I moved out of the forest's edge, hoping that the manticore wouldn't notice the free meal that was practically running straight into its mouth.

The kid and I were not so lucky.

The hybrid beast leapt from the trees and swatted at the mini horse sending it sailing further into the clearing, landing in the middle of the dirt.

I was skidding to stop, having run towards the two, my mind finally catching up with my body, yelling at my stupidity. All too late however, as the creature leapt towards me, flapped it wings to gain more momentum and pinned me against a tree with a meaty paw.

The trunk of the tree splintered at my impact, the manticore's paw holding me pinned as it glared at me, a look of gleeful triumph plastered on its face as it licked its chops.

I was gasping for breath, as the paw held my upper-body and throat against the tree, the claws retracted for now, my legs futilely flailing as they dangled beneath me, unable to reach the ground, my hands clenching the manticore's trunk of a leg, trying to push myself away from the paw, or push the paw away from me. Neither of which happened of course as I struggled for breath, gasping from the pressure on my throat, as the manticore stared in delight.

Playing with me.

"Let...... go...."

The thing narrowed its eyes at me.

It moved its paw away from me, letting me fall, providing me with a breath of air to my lungs.

Only for its stinger to move swiftly and stab through my stomach.

My body lay across from the tip, my legs still against the tree, my torso hanging over the tail.

My eyes widened in shock as blood filled my mouth, my cheeks inflating to hold it within, only to cough and sputter, the blood launching from my mouth with a spurt to then flow down my chin, painting my lips and teeth red.

I continued to hack and gasp for breath as more of my own gore oozed down from my new cavity, down the tail and tree, streaming along my my legs, pooling below my feet.

The thing finally withdrew its stinger, letting me fall to my side. I lay on the ground, my own blood painting my body, as the monster moved away from me, an ever constant smile on its face.

To the unconscious foal.

It stopped, hanging over it, staring down, as I somehow pushed myself up.

Unsure of how I was still standing, a hand pressed to my stomach holding in what little of my ichor I could.

It raised its head from the foal and turned towards me, slamming a paw on the child's face.

Flicking its tail, letting out a growl that sounded too much like laughter, it slammed its paw twice more on the foal's face.

Flapping its wings a few times it slammed its paw thrice more, as I strived to remain standing, using the tree to support myself, the third strike opening a cut on the foal's head, red dripping down his gray muzzle.

I leaned my body on the tree, my voice coming out as a haggard whisper, as I tried to regain some stamina. "No, he isn't something to eat, not after all of this."

The beast's Cheshire grin just widened, its maw glistening.

I knew what this thing wanted, it wanted to play with its food, and if I turned and ran, it would get started on its meal, specifically me. I was now incapacitated by its stinger, I wouldn't be getting far, there was no other choice but to indulge the thing.

I let out a scream of adrenaline, rushing for the monster, my fist held back as I lunged and swept at it.

It easily dodged, moving back a step to avoid my swipe, then moving forward again, its paw slapping me back, sending me arcing past the trees, landing further in the forest my body rolling on the ground until losing momentum.

I coughed up a spurt of red as I lay further in the forest, not too far, but a distance away than before.

I could hear the padding footsteps of the cat moving towards me, its nose sniffing at me once, before placing a clawed digit in my wound, twisting as I grunted in pain, unable to scream.

It moved the claw away after only a few seconds of grinding, before I felt its teeth grasping at my hair, lifting me up by my scalp, until tossing me at a nearby tree.

I slumped down, the blood on my back splattering against the trunk, falling to my knees.

The thing let out another chuckle-like growl as I stood, knowing I needed to do something against this demon before his hunger got the better of him.

I stood and lunged a few more times, my arms swinging feebly, barely able to stand, if I turned my back and ran it would surely strike me down. I had no choice but to fight.

It easily dodged my flailing, its tail looped under me as my upper body was hunched over from my previous attempts, trying to put as much force as I could in my fists.

It flung me back out of the forest towards the first tree.

I let out another pained cry as I landed in the dirt. The manticore waltzed out of the forest and passed me, proceeding towards the child.

'There's no way I can beat that thing....' I lay there in the dirt my eyes and teeth clenched, until the padding stopped as I opened one eye to look.

The beast had paused right over the youngling, poised to stare right at me, its stinger just above the prone form of the youth.

It was bored with us.

'It's going to the eat the kid,...... after that... me......'

A pressure began to build, railing against me.

Noticing my gaze, the manticore raised its stinger. A gleeful glint in its eye.

'No...... no......!'

It frothed within, slamming like waves against a wall.

Coyishly, it moved its stinger closer, caressing the foal's muzzle, straightening the tip to a point.

'No....' I began to push myself up from the ground, my arms shaking from the strain.

It began to crack.

'I don't want....'

And burst.

"To die!"

I felt something strain and burst from my tailbone, flailing about as I stood, my left eye twitching, scratchy. My head tilted and my body leaning back, as I stared.

"That's something I won't allow!" As the things waved and swung about me, red and black.

One lashed out at the feline twisting and turning towards it. The amalgamation flapped its wings to dodge the attack of my new limb. It soared towards me, letting loose a roar as it struck out with its stinger.

I stuttered forward in a run, one of the limbs lashing out and knocking the stinger away, as my hands grabbed hold of the tail, and my arms, along with the limbs hugged it, as it pulled itself back to the beast, carrying me along with it.

It let loose another growl as it tried to swipe at me with its claw, one of the limbs moving to block it.

It moved its tail below and in front of it, as it landed to better strike at me. Seeing my chance, I let go, and moved under its belly, my new limbs following me.

Followed by all three of them slamming into the creature right through the middle, launching it out into the air with a pain-filled roar.

It didn't stop there.

They continued to stab in and out of the manticore swiftly, almost too quick to see, blurring together, propelling the beast upwards against gravity, a torrent of blood raining down, splattering and coating the ground, my already bloodied self, and the foal.

Stabbing with all three once more, I swung the appendages around, the manticore stuck to the end, and slammed it with a resounding thud against the dirt, retracting them and leaving it lying there.

The thing's chest heaved a bit and let out a few sorry growls before it let out a pitiful hack of blood and lay still, bits of it falling off.

I turned to the foal, the limbs disappearing as I stared at the small pony, while I tried to gasp for breath and steady myself.

My eye was still twitchy, though.

And I was hungry.

So hungry.

I hadn't noticed before.

It hurt.

Bur I could smell it.

Delicious.

Scrumptious.

Filling.

Coming from the child.

Drool trickling down.

Mouth widening.

Teeth flared.

Down my chin.

Dripping.

Wait.

No!

Stop!

I can't!

My body was twisting, trembling, fighting me.

I needed to eat.

I slammed my fists to the ground, along with my head soon after, to clear it.

He's all alone...

But he's all mine..

All of him!

I raised myself, giggling.

Drool.

Laughing.

"It's my special treat."

Shuffling steps.

"Right?"

Closer.

"I- I have..."

Closer.

"Have to...."

Closer!

"Eat him!"

Scent.

Strong.

So close.

Drool.

Hunger.

Food.

Here.

Mouth.

Wide.

Eat.

Eat.

Eat.

EAT.

EAT.

EAT.

EAT!

Blossom panted as she ran.

Faster.

She needed to move faster. She couldn't let Stainless fight, or rather, attempt, to fight the manticore by himself. She needed to help, do something, anything to protect her friend.

Itri was a distance away, running after her and along with her to catch Stainless.

Still, the exhaustion from earlier was present. But she pushed through it, she needed to.

Stainless was hopeless without her. He would be lost and cold and alone without her insight, her knowledge, and forbearance. Although sometimes his stupidity would get the best of her, much to her own chagrin. But that in a way was where Stainless really shown through at times, believe it or not.

She yipped when she felt a tug on her tail, breaking her from her thoughts. Turning swiftly to see that Itri had caught up and now held the end of her tail in his mouth.

She was about to tell him off about how rude it was to touch another pony's tail, until he pointed to their right with his hoof.

Looking in the direction of the proffered appendage, she gasped at what she assumed was once the manticore.

Assuming due to most of the corpse having taken the shape of meaty chunks, giblets splayed here and there, along with tufts of fur upon the red and white gore surrounding the carcass, the only discernible piece of the ex-manticore was its tail, twitching and stabbing at the main body on occasion, sometimes with such force as to splatter more meat and blood about.

The thing's spine looked like it had caved in, the ribs and skin no longer able to support it. The head, or what little remained of it appeared to be peppered into a pinkish mush, white flakes of cranium sprinkled here and there, the tail stabbing down into it at the moment.

Blossom's face turned green, her cheeks filling with bile, before she swallowed the acid back down. Itri said some sort of Zebrican prayer as he closed his eyes and made a few hoof gestures.

Blossom was no stranger to meat, violence, and death. But this.... this was overkill, plain and simple. With an emphasis on over and kill.

Turning away from the ghastly sight, she saw something maybe even worse.

There, laying on the ground, was Stainless, eyes closed, blood across his face, but still breathing.

Hunched over him, was the thing she had caught a glimpse of running away from the manticore.

Drooling over Stainless, coating him, the thing's mouth wide, teeth glistening.

Blossom moved for a nearby rock, picked it up, charged forward to lessen the distance and then threw it at the thing.

Really, overall not too smart in retrospect some voice chastised her inside as the rock sailed toward the thing. But if her friends were allowed to act exceedingly stupid, then she was entitled to that at times, right?

The rock let out an audible thwack as it hit the side of the gangly thing's head.

It let out a surprised grunt of pain as it brought a hand up to the side of its skull and rubbed at the sight of the impact, as it clambered to its full height.

With it standing, Blossom could see the large splotch of blood centered in the middle of the torso, its whole body covered in swathes of dried red, some of it still dripping off of it onto the ground.

But what stood out the most were its eyes, specifically the left.

While the one on the right was of normal colors, white, with a blue iris, although beady, compared to Pony eyes.

The left was just wrong.

It's sclera, was black, blacker than anything she'd seen, while its iris was of a glowing vibrant red, staring out at her, piercing, reading, analyzing her.

She locked up, her legs refused to bulge as she stared and the thing stared back, for how long, she didn't know.

Until, the thing let out a moan as the black and red began to fade away from the left, blood trickling out its nose as both eyes rolled up and the thing fell to its knees and then to its face.

She still stood there, fearful that the thing was faking, acting so as to draw her into a trap.

This was forgotten as a moan from Stainless spurred her to action, jumping a bit before moving to the colt, Itri beside her.

Itri looked him over, "He seems to be alright, wounded, but not fatally."

Blossom let out a sigh of relief as she turned her attentions to the other being in their midst.

"What should we do with the creature?"

Itri brought a hoof to his chin, scratching it contemplatively, "The grown-ups are probably running around looking for it...." He continued to think.

He let out a sigh, "I think we're going to have to drag it back."

"But all its blood will get on my coat!"

Itri gave an annoyed glare. "Do you want to deal with a bath or angry grown-ups?"

Blossom let out an indignant moan, but moved to the thing nonetheless.

Itri grabbed Stainless by the tail, and dumped him on top of the blood splotch, Blossom found herself happy at the thought that she wouldn't be the only one with a dirty coat.

The two grabbed the fabric of the clothing it wore in what Blossom presumed to be its shoulder area and began to move backwards towards town, dragging the thing along in the dirt, working as a makeshift sled, carrying their friend. Blossom also found herself glad in the fact that she wouldn't need to deal with the taste of dirt in her mouth for at least three days, which she knew the creature would have to deal with.

Schadenfreude worked as one hell of a catharsis.

Author's Note

Hey.

I see you~~~~~

Now, I seriously need some feedback here. Please tell me some of you are reading this.

Anyways, I have a sort of set plan as to where I want this story to go, and at certain points it will be darker/gorier, more specifically in the past sections. It'll be the general zaniness in the present times, but there will be some screwed up moments then as well.

What I need to know is, well, yay or nay?

And if I should add in the dark/gore tag to this?

It would be nice to know what ya'll think, and such.

Seriously. Gimme some comments.

I wanna see a flame war down there.

Chapter 7- I am an......

Chapter 7- I am an......

"Guuuh."

She wouldn't stop.

"Guuuuuuuuuugh."

Why won't she stop?

"Guuuuuuuuuuuaaaarrrblaaaaaaar."

Or maybe she couldn't.

"Guuuuu- OW!"

A thwack resounded throughout the halls. I raised my hand to rub at my temple where the now irate Zebra mare had smacked me with her staff.

I thought corporal punishment didn't work? Apparently she thought differently.

I grumbled as I slumped back into the throne and pretended to listen to Zecora's prattling. Here I thought I'd have to worry about Twilight's lectures, turns out, when I asked Zecora for the lowdown around town, she thought I meant everything. So she proceeded to tell me. Everything.

I'm talking taxation percentages, subsections of laws, who was having sex with who, countries' philosophical positions on bubblegum ('cause apparently that's a thing), etc. Everything.

Oh, believe me, at the beginning the information was useful, it was the more general shit, the things that I needed to know, a good glossing over of the facts to allow me to gain a bigger picture. But. She. Kept. Going.

And she picked up by the end of the first day that I wasn't going to lay a hand against that mohawk-y (totally a word) mane of hers. That and the fact that I'm an idiot. An idiot in the sense that..... well, y'know that little voice in your head that tells you to do something exceedingly stupid, and you're all like, 'Where the fuck did that come from!?' Yeah, listen to the voice. Your life will certainly become a lot more entertaining, that's for sure.

So, knowing she was dealing with a moron who just so happened to be afflicted with super ADD, and the ability to perform feats considered impossible by the laws of magic and physics. She decided to sit me down and drone on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, am I emphasizing this enough here? One can only ctrl+c ctrl+v so many times.

I mean, how could it not be a recipe for disaster? When the crazy man want to do crazy, you let him do crazy! And then hope for a more rational attitude after the crazy. It's a completely viable strategy. Her making me sit there and listen to her droning, was not going to end well. And I, believe it or not, I strive for the happier endings in life..... Okay, more the entertaining ones.... For me.

There had to be something I could say to make her stop prattling, she'd already spent about a week or so-

Wait! A full fucking week! I groaned more audibly while placing a palm to my masked face. Which was swiftly followed by another thwack to the head.

"Ow! Quit it!"

Zecora glared at me, "You may wish to stay ignorant of the world around you, but it is my duty to make sure you are properly prepared, to strike back at the Usurper!" Her voice carried a biting caustic tone to it. She was obviously getting aggravated with my lackluster behavior.

Wait. Hold on a minute. My eyes widened behind my mask. Lightbulb.

"No, it's not." I said, a smug expression creasing my 'face'.

The stick lashed out again.

"Sonuvabitch!" I rubbed at one of the now countless sore spots located upon my skull. "Just listen to me!" I demanded...... okay it was more of a pleading-like tone. Semantics.

Zecora gave me a deadpan look before seating herself and motioned for me to continue, humoring me.

Letting out a sigh of relief, "Look, you were originally sent here to spy on the village, right?" Zecora nodded slowly. "So your duty would be to keep tabs on that town. To monitor it and keep with the original objective. Not focus on me." I said, desperation tingeing my voice.

Zecora merely raised a single eyebrow. "That was before. Now it's more important to get you caught up and keep you informed. You are more of a priority." The last part sounded almost like it was a question.

"But- agh!" Not working, c'mon turn it around on her! "Alright, but, you've made ties in that town, right?" She nodded her head in affirmation. "Friends, acquaintances, people who come to visit you and expect to see you about every now and then?" She could see where I was going with this, and she didn't seem to like it. "So if you keep occupying your time with me, eventually someone's going to wonder what the hell you're up to, probably follow you into the forest, scream at the sight of me, run back to town, inform the guard, leading her royal cake-butt straight to me! And then," I dragged a finger across my neck, "Gck!"

Zecora looked towards the ground, her muzzle scrunched in thought, and a slight glare. She knew I was right, she just didn't want to admit it.

After a period of time passed, she sighed, "Very well, it is true that I must now.... keep up appearances." I pumped my arm in victory, eliciting a small, 'yes', accompanied by Zecora giving me another flat look.

"I suppose I shall head into town to see as to what I can do to keep up my charade within Ponyville." My mask was plastered with a grin, until her face bumped up against my nose, her eyes simmering with a more subdued rage. "But you will remain here. You will not follow me. If you do, then I feel you might need a refresher of the great goat-cheese famine of 682." Not going into details about that. All I'm saying is that it was both disturbing and boring, which is a very strange combination but it somehow happened.

I gulped, and nodded my head rapidly. Zecora, believing I was sufficiently cowed by her threat, smiled sweetly before turning around and trotting out of the castle.

I think I sat still for about thirty minutes before I got up and proceeded out the forest.

Yeah. Always listen to the voice.

I had been walking along the road for an hour or so, whistling a jolly tune that you will never know, when the sound of a scuffle caught my attention.

Moving towards the bushes on the outer edge of the forest, I could make out a green clearing as I approached, the sun shining unobstructed, providing a sort of beacon. As well as the sounds growing louder.

As I reached the edge, I crouched and parted the bushes to see what all the commotion was about.

And there was Fluttershy, wailing on a bear.

The thuds of her hooves elicited cracks and snaps as the giant of a mammal seemed to almost beg for mercy. A little ways off, I spotted a certain purple blob in the distance by a certain- *crack* Holy shit how did that not break his neck?! Uh, a certain homely cottage.

It moved away quite soon after I had spotted it, Fluttershy was now tenderly rubbing the bear's fur, massaging it with her hooves.

"Oh-ho-ho-ho!" I rubbed at my chin with a thumb and index finger. "Looks like I showed up right on time."

I army-crawled my way around through the bushes until I reached the road leading out of the Everfree.

I'd need to be careful so as to not get spotted by Zec- I mean- the town, and not cause a ruckus. If attention was drawn towards me, I might change how the events of this particular day would play out. At least change them prior to when I wish to. And I couldn't have that.

I needed to make my way to the park without any of the townsponies spotting me, so I needed to be..... inconspicuous.

Granny Smith was trotting along the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres, she'd do so from time to time when she felt that her body was up for what little exercise she could handle at her....... wise age. She was in luck that the rest of her family were in town for the day. Her kin just worried for her a smidge too much, bless their hearts, always keeping an eye out for her. It could be so suffocating at times though, a constant reminder that she wasn't the young mare she used to be.

She continued along the picket fence, enjoying the view of the orchard to her left, as she traveled along. Until one of her floppy ears perked up at a peculiar sound. She stopped moving and concentrated on the strange noise, to better determine what and where the sound was coming from.

Straining her aged hearing, she was able to make out that whatever it was making the noise seemed to be dragging itself against well-packed dirt, scuffing itself as it went along. Looking to the right where the road leading into Ponyville and the Everfree was situated she looked back and forth along the road. The sound stopped abruptly as she glanced about, trying to discern where the noise had originated from.

Squinted eyes scanning the road, the elderly mare couldn't spot a thing that seemed too out of place. The road itself was well-worn and packed due to her family's travels along it, and the general success of the farm drawing ponies to them. The ground alongside the road was a verdant green, the grass growing on the road's edges, staying at a minimal length. The white picket fence of the farm was a nice contrast against the green and brown of the environment. The road closer to the gates of the farm had a few knickknacks strewn about. Possessions that her younger kin would leave about from time to time. Specifically Apple Bloom more so than the other two.

The young filly would leave objects scattered about the entrance of the farm as well as along the road from time to time, the objects themselves varying wildly. From something as plain as butterfly nets, to the more outlandish oddity, such as bagpipes. Whatever the Crusaders had decided to invest their time in on their quest, would usually wind up on the front lawn of the orchard, due to it being the fillies' base of operations. Granny Smith would wonder at times how these three fillies were able to get their hooves on half of the doodads and thingamajigs they would tote around the village. How could they have possibly nabbed that hang-glider?

So the mare didn't think anything was too out of the norm what with the randomly assorted junk on the trail. An inflatable beach ball, an accordion, a miniature trampoline, a cardboard box, a trio of dowsing rods, a hammer with an accompanying box of nails, and other similarly random objects were looked over by her scrutinizing eye. Staring out at the assorted mish-mash of..... artifacts, the mare eventually turned back to continue along her walk. Well, she would've, if the same noise from earlier hadn't begun again.

Whipping her head around, she eyed the road once more. Staring along its length, looking for something out of place, but all seemed the same as before. The detritus still spread about, not a creature nor pony within sight. Granny Smith gave the road the stink-eye, if she had been but a year older she might have racked it up to her just going senile and the onset of mild dementia, but she wasn't that far gone, at least not yet.

The mare continued to stare as an idea formed within her head. Raising her hoof, she brought it back down, harshly, trotting in place, only for each following hoof to land a little lighter upon the ground.

The plan worked, as the cardboard box scooted forwards along the trail, revealing the source of the enigmatic scraping noise that Granny Smith had sought to uncover. For what reason now, she truly did not know. Curiosity, perhaps? Apple family stubbornness? Or to confirm to herself that she still had some years of lucidity left in her? Again, Granny could not point to a particular reason, as she watched the box push itself towards Ponyville.

As the box passed by the picket fence she cleared her throat.

She wasn't really sure why she did that, either.

The box stopped immediately and sat in place, an awkward silence having fallen. Only the occasional rustling of leaves was heard as Granny Smith continued to stare at the box.

The box remained innate for who knows how long as Granny Smith still gazed at it, the mare was actually beginning to doubt herself until the box began to slowly rotate before her, grinding against the dirt. Eventually one of the thinner sides was now facing her.

Granny continued to watch as an oval-shaped cutting upon the cardboard flapped downwards, the elderly mare realizing that the hole worked as a handle to carry the box. From within the hole the mare could make out...... green, some sort of green wrinkled material that gazed out at her as she stared right back.

The two stayed like this for yet another awkward pause of an indeterminate period of time, until the box slowly rotated itself back so that the hole was now facing along the road as the elder of the Apple kin looked on passively.

Yet again there was a third pause, until suddenly two long legs sprung up from the bottom of the box, yet the rest of whatever lay within stayed hidden, giving the mare the sight of a box with a particularly dapper yet tacky pair of suit clad legs. Even Granny Smith knew that you do not wear a checkered pattern on a suit.

The legs promptly dashed along the road, trailing a cloud of dust as it moved onwards.

Granny Smith continued to watch the whatever it was travel along the road until she could only barely make out a speck of the brown dirt it was kicking up. She then shrugged her shoulders, gave a non-committal, "Eh." And continued along with her workout.

The mare had lived long enough in Ponyville -having practically founded the place- to know that when the weirdness the town usually tended to attract was running away from you, you sure as heck do not follow it.

However, before she began her mild trot to complete her circuit, she found herself begin to wonder aloud, "What in the plum heck is a 'handle'?"

That was too close..... at least I think it was, maybe Granny will forget about it, her memory's probably not the best......

I was now hiding within some bushes, having snuck my way through town à la cardboard box and somehow avoiding anymore incidents along the way. I was able to reach some reasonably well-cultivated shrubbery which I now resided in. I was lucky enough to find that the greenery circled the exterior border of Ponyville's park, near as I could tell. Channeling what Monty Python had taught me on how not to be seen, I moved along the circuit of branches and foliage, only for a sudden outburst of, "Snap out of it!" to draw my attention.

Parting the greenery before me, I peered out to see Spike confronting a quite disheveled-looking Twilight.

"-you completely forgot about the picnic. Why don't you just relax and go hang out with-"

"The picnic!"

Gah! Pinkie, you can smile as large as that any time you want, I never want to see Twilight do that again!

Purple pone rushed off with the box that Spike had been carrying, now levitating behind her.

"I'm glad you've come to your senses."

Spike, even you don't look too sure about that.

Well, I've still got some time before Twiley completely self-destructs, I suppose I should tail her and wait for the big moment. Good thing Celestia shows up and........ Celestia shows up. Oh, shit-biscuits.

Voice, why hath thou betrayed me?!

Okay, think, she has to come here for a reason..... well, okay I know what the reason is, but how does she find- SPIKE!

A certain purple reptile was beginning to worry about a similarly colored quadruped, one Twilight Sparkle. And by 'beginning to', I mean 'was still', followed by an 'I', 'N', and 'G' after the 'worry'. He had a feeling that things weren't going to end very well, having seen similar fits prior.

As the mare galloped out of sight he turned around and began to head back to the library, planning to send a letter to the Princess, just in case things might spin out of control.

At least he was, until he ran into a suited leg as he looked back one more time, as if to make sure the park hadn't blown up yet. The impact knocked him onto his rump as a voice from above said, "Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

Looking up, Spike gulped as his head continued to trace the body much longer than he should for a pony, realizing that before him stood the maniac he had unknowingly hosted in the library. After Twilight and her friends explained to him just who the strange creature was, he had a bit of a panic attack, realizing that he had been alone with the thing.

Although he admittedly didn't know what exactly Manic had done wrong, he knew that he was most assuredly dangerous. Besides, that tone didn't really assuage Spike of most of his fears. Neither did the smile creasing its mask.

"He- hello, uh, sir." Spike managed to stutter out.

"So," Manic said as he leaned over, the plastered smirk widening, "what're you doing here?"

"Oh, you know, just, walking around." Spike supplied.

"Walking around?"

"Walking around." The drake quickly confirmed.

"Thwarting my plans?" Manic asked, leaning in a little closer.

"Thwarting your plans?" Spike asked in confusion.

"Are you?"

"No."

"Good, 'cause that'd be bad," Manic leaned back a bit, taking some of the pressure off the drake, as he began to sweat a little less.

"How bad?" he asked, letting curiosity get the better of him.

"I'd have to kill you," Manic let out softly.

"That's bad." The sweat was now back in full force.

"Indeed."

It was silent after that, the two just standing there, staring at each other, as the sounds of Ponies drifted in and out from distances away. Nowhere near close enough for Spike to call out to them, though.

Pushing his luck, Spike cleared his throat, gaining Manic's more direct attention..... yeah, this already seemed like a bad idea, but the young dragon moved forward, "So, uh, can I help you?"

"No," Manic crouched down, bending his knees, putting himself even closer to Spike than he had been before, "but maybe I can help you," he said as he put a hand to the dragon's cheek.

Spike was panicking within, he didn't know why, but just the way Manic had said that made his whole spine tingle, all the way down to his tail. Not to mention, the hand now caressing his face wasn't making him anymore comfortable. Manic's mask was also somehow projecting a face, it was still the blank green it had ever been, while at the same time held some sort of smile that just screamed at Spike to run. Which he would've if he just wasn't so freaking terrified at the moment.

"Uh," the dragon sputtered, "I need an adult."

"I am an adult," Manic quickly replied before kneeing him directly in the gut, using the hand that was formerly palming his cheek, which was now located behind his head as leverage, lifting the dragon up, and forcing the knee even harder into the dragon's stomach.

Spike fell to the ground with a grunt, feeling his consciousness begin to fade.

"By the way, I only hit you because I have pent-up aggression against your pseudo-mother/sister."

Spike was awake for a few more seconds of silence, only to completely fade into the void with one last quip from Manic, "Take that."

Well, that was one way to take care of things. I grabbed hold of Spike's ankle and slung him across my shoulder, with him draped against my back.

I began to whistle a tune as I moved back towards the bushes, really, I was lucky that none of the townsponies were around to see my little performance, chalk that up to lazy writing.

I proceeded towards the bush, waving to the two dumbstruck colts standing a good five feet away as I passed.

Continuing forwards, I-

......Hold on a tick.

Walking back to the colts, and by back, I mean backwards in the same motions with a smidge of a quicker pace. Reaching them, I turned a sharp ninety degree angle while simultaneously crouching down. Looking at the two, I found they were both Unicorns, the lanky one colored a dirty-orange, the other chubby lookin' tyke a palish-blue...... oh, it's these two bozos, great. One of my hands was already sliding down my face as I let loose a sigh.

"....... You're going to report me, aren't you?" The two nodded their heads, I swear I could hear something rattling. Honestly, I had a million different ways I could deal with tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee right here, but I didn't want to push it. "How about," I reached into my suit pocket and pulled out two bits, one held between my pinkie and ring finger, the other, in my index and middle finger. "We say you didn't see nothin', capisce?"

The two looked at each other for a second before mirroring two grins and turning to me, nodding once again.

"Good, good, we have an accord then." I moved my hand forward towards Snips to stuff the coin within a pocket, only to realize my faux pas as the coin pressed against his breast, as he raised an eyebrow. Rolling with it, I moved my hand upwards to nestle said coin within his mane, patting it down, getting an even stranger look. Moving on, I presented the other coin to Snails who grabbed ahold with his teeth.... slobbering on me at the same time.

"Eugh!" I shook my hand of the spittle as the two ran off.

.......Well, that was completely pointless. Why did I even encounter those two?

Shrugging and deciding to move the plot forward, since it was obvious that the author was some sort of incompetent buffoon, I moved back to the bushes. Spike dangling here and there, my hand still wrapped around one of his ankles.

Looking over my shoulder, I contemplated aloud, "Now what to do with you?"

Later, a certain mauve-hued reptilian youth would find himself buried up to his neck in dirt. It wouldn't take long for the young dragon to claw his way out, after regaining his wits. He'd still have to deal with soil lodged in rather uncomfortable areas for about a week though.

"Or does he? I mean, I'm narrating right now, do I really know what's going to happen to him?" But I digress.

I crouched down into the bushes once again, stalking my prey, seeking her out, and interfering with the natural progression of things, intent on spicing things up a bit. Although, I suppose my interference is part of the natural order, now. Honestly, I don't care, and neither do most of you, I assume. Fun times are approaching, that's all that matters.

Moving within the shrubbery, I keep my head on a swivel and my ears and eyes open for purple-pone as I stalk about. There's no way she's going to catch me off-guard, it's only a matter of time until I find her, or at least the mess she crea-

The sound of a rubber ball being tossed back and forth along with joyful giggles grabs my attention. Looking outwards, I see a trio of tiny ponies with a familiar color to them. Peering out, I spy a white Unicorn filly along with a yellow Earth pony and an orange Pegasus tossing a ball back and forth to each other, enjoying their afternoon, not a care in the world.

Excellent, ground zero has been located, I rub my hands together, now I just need to-

"Hu-huhuuuu."

Sweet Jesus. That's creepy.

Twilight just popped up almost a foot away from me, looking for all intents and purposes like the Cheshire Cat. Guh.

Thankfully, she ducks back into the bushes, disappearing from sight, too wrapped up in her own paranoia to notice me.... I think.

I direct my attention back to the fillies as Scootaloo knocks the ball onto the ground. Only for Twilight to somehow teleport into it.... and burst out of it. That probably wasn't too comfortable, but she isn't displaying any signs of being spliced with an inflatable ball, so we can rule out any "The Fly" scenarios.

"-ust great." Twilight's eye twitches as she now moves towards the three worried looking fillies. "You three look like you're doing great too!" Arriving in the center of the group, "Looks like three good friends who don't need the help of another good friend!" Scootaloo, that pose is adorable.

Right, Twi's going to try and create that friendship problem now, by introducing that ratty-looking doll, without much success. Yep, there it is, patched up, floating in a purple aura, the material fraying, a button eye hanging loose. Needless to say the others aren't buying what she's selling.

"I... really like her.... mane?"

And thus, a running gag was born, at least in the fandom.

"-notebook! And quill!" How do they move their limbs like that? "For when you want to pretend she's doing her homework!"

"That's.... um... great." Scootaloo let out, looking like she was getting tired of the cray-cray goin' on down here.

"Yeah.... great." Apple Bloom added in, seeming to want to leave just as much as Scoots, letting out a nervous laugh.

The two gave a quick tap to Sweetie Belle, who seemed at a loss for words, spurring her into action. "I really like her... mane?"

Good save.

Yeah, okay Twilight, now you're just embarrassing yoursel- Ahh! Creepy face! Creepy face! The fuck is with her teeth positioning right now?!

Scootaloo points out the obvious, moving her hoof in a circular motion by her head, until the doll is thrust into the three's midsts, startling them.

"So, who wants to play with her first?" Twilight questions impatiently.

The three quickly begin to try to make one of the others play the part of sacrificial lamb, hustling and bustling over each other, as to avoid the cruel, cruel fate of playing with a sub-par toy. First world problems, amIrite?

Twilight's beginning to look more nervous than crazy though, seeming to come to the realization that her precious Smarty Pants isn't all that it's chalked up to be. Clacking her hooves together, then positioning herself, "Ooh you are going to like Smarty Pants. And you're going to like her more than anything."

And that's my cue to leave, seeing as nothing else has yet to deviate yet, I figure I'll be home free. I crawl along the bushes as purple pone proceeds to make the situation worse. All for my benefit.......

Oh, fuck no. We're not cutting here at some lame-cliché-bullshit-vaudeville-style villain rubbing his hands together after saying some line about taking advantage of the situa-

I'm getting me an agent. Which I will most likely choose to ignore. Because it will probably be a goat, and goats as far as I was concerned are engines of pure destruction. Whether it be defying physics with their flailing bodies while wreaking havoc and mayhem upon their current environment and its locals, to flinging objects at high speeds with their freakishly elongated tongues towards passerby and gas stations. Yes, nothing good comes from a goat. Just ruin and cheese. Strange, strange, goat cheese. Moving on.

Shaking myself out of my goat-fueled stupor I peek out from, you guessed it, more shrubbery, to scan the park for five specific mares. I'm glad I headed out when I did, trying to stay hidden in the middle of the soon-to-be approaching commotion would've been a tad distracting. Not to mention finding the elements might've been more difficult.

Panning my eyes left and right, whilst shuffling along the hedges, I finally spy my quarry. The ladies seemed to be enjoying themselves even while they packed away their things. Rarity and Fluttershy were finishing with folding up a quilt and were beginning to talk about something or other, most likely their next trip to the spa. Rainbow, having finished carrying the last of the leftovers to a weave basket trotted a bit away, popped out some sunglasses, flipped them up into the air and flopped down onto her back, taking in some rays. The glasses promptly fell in place as gravity pulled them back down to the earth, and consequently her eyes. Pinkie carried the remaining foodstuffs that Rainbow had most likely missed and began to place them within the basket, folding it all over with a smaller blanket. Applejack had just been laying against a nearby tree while all the others went about their business. The lazy cunt. Meh, she probably brought the food or something. Apple fritters, apple strudel, caramel apples, apple pie, I'm surprised these ponies haven't sworn off apples. A straw of hay swayed in her muzzle as she dozed, her hat shading the upper half of her face.

All here and accounted for, and just in time too. AJ looked up from her dozing and tilted her head to the side, an ear perked. Paying attention myself, I could hear the sounds of arguments, stampedes, and metal clanking.

Well, I guess it's showti- wait a minute, metal clanking?

I pivoted about-face only to meet the pointy, glinting end of a spear directly between my eyes, an aura of blue surrounding it. This was quickly followed by the sounds of other blades being drawn, and more weapons to be directed at me, whether floating or held. My eyes trailed along the spear and finally rested upon a nearby guard stallion, a quite pompous smirk upon his face.

Well. That certainly throws a wrench in things.

"You're under arrest!" said the guard who I shall now dub Chauncey. Because I feel like it. He twirled out some cuffs, allowing me a retort, I assume.

"No, it wasn't me!" I let out, my voice pleading, "it was the one-armed man!"

I stand from my cover staring down at the now slightly surprised looking ponies, exclaiming, "Alright, I confess! I did it ya hear? And I'm glad. Glad I tell ya!"

I then fall back to my knees, in front of Chauncey, hands held together, pleadingly, "What are they going to do to me sarge?" I then move forward, my hands now clinging to Chauncey's white coat, "What are they gonna do?!"

The cuffs are promptly slapped on, leaving me to wonder as to why they have handcuffs. Really, these things fit me around the wrist, they were designed for a build like mine.... whatever.

"I don't get to make that call-" Chauncey begins, before I cut in with a groan. "No! No! No! You messed it up! And you were doing so well too." I raise a hand to my face and dragged it down my mask, letting out a sigh, as Chauncey stares at me perplexed and then surprised at seeing that I was no longer bound. Probably due to the cuff's inexplicable disappearance.

"Where did-"

"You had one job!" I was now shaking the stallion by his shoulders. "One job, Chauncey!"

"Wha- wha-?!" The guard let out as I continued to shake, his eyes wide. A few of the other guards shifted a bit, not really sure how to deal with the situation. Having had enough of that, I shoved Chauncey aside, and peered back through the foliage. It seems that the party had already begun. All about the mane six were clouds of dust and dirt being kicked up by groups of ponies, all vying for the prized doll which was being tossed back and forth between said groups like a hacky-sack.

It was all quite comical, really. Berry Punch sure has a hell of a right hook. Bon-Bon's gonna be sporting that black eye for a while.

The edging in of the still held pointy bits, drew my attention back to the guards, who seemed to be utterly focused on me. That or they were just choosing to ignore the kerfuffle going on within throwing distance of us. Chauncey, having recovered, was giving me a particularly seething glare.

Raising my hands, "Right, well you caught me, might I ask how? I was quite careful with my infiltration."

"That is classifie-"

"Two young colts inform-"

The two guards that had spoken up stopped quite quickly, with one glaring intently at another, who looked quite sheepish.

God damn mother fucking gun atop the fireplace. If you get that, kudos. Turning to Chauncey, I deadpanned, "I see the guard's standards are still as fabulous today as they were a thousand-some-odd years ago."

Promptly followed by the grinding of teeth. Yep, that was one hell of a zinger right there, eh, Chauncey?

My own inner contemplation ended up being my downfall though. The shaft of a spear lunged out, striking me in the gut, forcing me back down to my knees with a grunt. Least it wasn't my man-berries. Groaning, I lifted my head, only for the shaft to jab itself into my stomach, pinning me, while applying much more pressure than needed. "I'd rather not have my kidneys punctured, thank you very much."

Chauncey leaned in, eyes narrowed, his breath smelling of oats. Eugh. "No more funny business, you're coming with us."

"......Funny business?...... Funny business. Sir, do you not know who I am?" I ask, my voice carrying a tone of bewilderment with a dash of chastising mixed in. "It is my business to be funny. Not for you," I jab a finger directly into his snout, to his own credit, he didn't flinch. "Not for your cronies," the earlier finger moves to the other guards, who are watching intently. "But for me," my hand returns to my chest, thumb outstretched, pointing at myself.

I'm about to continue, when something fuzzy and soft lands a little above my hand. My gaze moves downward, spotting a certain ratty looking doll resting quite comfortably upon my chest, radiating pink hearts.

"Uh-oh." Throwing distance.

Looking back to the guards, their pupils replaced, the pink beating hearts at the forefront of their white pools. Their shiny, decorative, HEAVY, armor glinting as rays of the sun shine down, as they stand locked, muscles taut.

I gulp. "Mother." Before I'm promptly engulfed into a brawl.

So, you think hooves by themselves would be a bitch and a half to deal with.... and they are, believe me. Five pounds of raw keratin's going to break some bones with the right amount of force. Now add some hoof-slippers (shut up that's what they're called) made out of metal or some shit, and you've just added more mass to the equation. And remember kiddies, force equals mass times speed squared, or better known as acceleration. And man, were these ponies accelerating. Oh, don't forget, force directly equals pain. Lots and lots of pain.

But it's not like I didn't respond in kind. For every hoof thrown my way, I lashed out, my fist slamming into ponies, feet kicking against snouts. Probably not the best move, though. I just kept getting more and more entangled in the fight, limbs intertwining, being pushed down slowly but surely. Until finally, I was at the literal bottom of the pile, bodies writhing, squirming above me. I was being crushed, trampled. I could feel one of my fingers had already broken from hitting one guard's armored barding. Things weren't looking too good. Not going according to plan.

Hooves were slamming into my back. Every lungful of air I could grab was promptly being forced out. I could feel my ribs creaking, as I rolled up into a fetal position to mitigate some damage.

Until it abruptly stopped.

Looking up woozily, I saw that the fight was beginning to migrate towards the others, leaving me behind, bloodied, but not too worse for wear. Aside from the finger, god that smarts. And leaving me wondering how freakishly strong pony bones were.

Shakily getting to my feet, I began to brush off some of the dirt and dust that had accumulated on my suit, before looking up and taking better stock of the situation. Not much had changed, thankfully, most of the fights seemed to be gravitating about the tree Applejack had been resting against, the doll still being tossed back and forth. A mare or stallion would occasionally break from the fold, Smarty held in their teeth or magic aura only to eventually be sucked back in, or to run headlong into another brawl, having not paid enough attention to their surroundings.

As for the mane six, they were attempting to do some form of damage control whilst not looking at the cause of the commotion. Yeah, that's probably not going to work. Well, things weren't too off the rails yet, Celestia probably would have swept in to save the day a few minutes ago, so I wasn't too far behind schedule.

"Showtime."

Twilight wanted to crawl into a corner and cry. She had messed up, no, screwed up. Bad.

In her attempt to prevent her regression/banishment back to magic kindergarten, she strived to create a problem that she could solve and learn from. Instead, she had generated a catastrophe that had quickly spun out of control. Twilight couldn't tell how many ponies her spell had affected. Chaos ran amok as ponies fought and tumbled about. Even if she was able to get ahold of Smarty Pants and dispel the enchantment, the effects would still be present in her.... victims. She'd have to recast the spell individually, for what was now looking to be over half the town. That, or move the ponies far enough away to where the spell's effects would fade. But she knew she didn't have the magical reserves to cancel the spell, or teleport everypony away.

Along with the fact that she just couldn't seem to muster up the resolve. Her own guilt had paralyzed her to the spot after she explained herself to her friends, who were all currently attempting to do something about the situation, their eyes clenched shut so as to not succumb to the spell and further add to the chaos. Not much could be done without their sight, though.

Twilight let out a whimper and moved downwards, laying against the grass, forehooves pressed over her eyes. "This is all my fault."

"You're God damn right it is!" Twilight's ears perked up along with her head, turning towards the source of that quite familiar and aggravating voice.

Ten feet away, Manic stood proudly, his suit replaced with a white and striped buttoned sleeveless vest with a yellow shirt underneath it along with jeans and white rimmed sunglasses perched on a raised portion of his otherwise green-smooth face, red gloves of some sort that only covered the body of his hands. More notably however, was the shining saxophone lying against his torso, one hand holding the body, while a strap attached to the instrument added more support and kept the woodwind in place.

Twilight stared, as Manic raised the mouthpiece towards his face and set his fingers on the appropriate keys, not quite sure what to do at the moment.

Then, he played.

All eyes and ears immediately swiveled towards Manic as the first note sounded out, a beat thumping in the background with the simple, yet enthralling rhythm he was belting out. Manic himself was moving along with the song, although minimally. His legs spread, his arms pumping the saxophone up and down, while he moved his hips and crotch back and forth in a mesmerizing fashion. He would occasionally switch from side-to-side, but continued the same basic movements.

Soon, Twilight found herself nodding along with the song, but quickly realized what she was doing and shook herself out of it. Taking stock of her surroundings, she looked at the ponies around her to find that all of the townsponies affected by her spell were now nodding along with the music and staring intently at Manic. She spotted her friends as well within the crowd, most just staring slack-jawed at the biped, others enjoying the song as well.

When the ponies around her began to move, she brought her attention back to the strange being before her, who was beginning to move away from the area. The townsponies were following him and the fading music as he headed towards the town, Manic still humping the air, and the ponies still caught in their trance.

As the sax began to fade further away, Twilight shakily got to her hooves to follow, sort of as an after-thought. Until a certain voice stopped her.

"You!" Twilight twirled around to find a normally (at least relatively) dressed Manic stomping towards her. "You- but- I just saw-" Twilight stuttered out as he approached, her head swerving back and forth between the direction Manic had danced off to and the Manic closing in on her. If he even heard her, he gave no outward sign as he continued forward. He stalked over to her as she tried to back away, her hooves dragging in spite of herself. Once he was within reach, he grabbed hold of her chin, forcing her to stare into his blank green face. "Bitch, calm down and take a step back next time! Your friends don't always got some sort of problem that you need to fix for 'em, that ain't how friendship works!" Twilight just stood there wide eyed, not really quite sure what to do.

"In fact," Manic let go of her chin as he twirled around and pointed an accusing figure at the rest of her friends, who had quickly gathered together. "This bitch is the one who had a problem, where the fuck were the rest of you?!" They in turn lowered their heads and ears and let out apologies to Twilight, not quite sure what to do in the situation. Getting admonished by this... this fool was a tad absurd.... even for the usual fare. "Jesus mother-fucking H. Christ," Manic breathed out, a hand kneading his face, "the shit I put up with. How is this friendship?"

Manic stood there for another thirty seconds still rubbing his face, as the six mares sat there awkwardly, before he let out a more explosive sigh and began moving away from them. "Whatever. I helped youse bitches out. That's all that matters," Manic continued as he moved away from them. Turning to face more towards Twilight, "The spell should wear off soon," he stopped and crouched down, scooping up a brown and battered object with one hand, while the other dug around in his pants pocket, withdrawing a silver rectangle of some sort. With a flick of the wrist, the metal object's lid flipped open, and a flame quickly shot out.

Manic brought over the ragged thing he had collected towards the fire, which Twilight soon realized, "Smarty Pants!" a hoof raised towards the doll all too late as what was left of the doll caught aflame. Manic turned more towards Twilight, a look of disbelief emanating from his blank face. "Really? After all that, you don't think there should be some sort of consequence?" He turned back to watching the doll burn, "Besides, how else was I supposed to stop the damn thing?" Before the flames began to lick at Manic's hand, followed by him quickly letting out a squawk of alarm, promptly followed by him throwing the ball of flames to the ground and the stomping of his foot upon it.

"I could have just canceled the spell!" Twilight let out mournfully as the flames quickly died out from Manic's stamping. Turning to her, his foot raised for another stomp, Manic said, "Oh," before one last kick to the ground spread the doll's ashes to the air. Manic stared at the black soot around him, as the mares watched on. Turning back to Twilight, he raised a hand behind his head, "Heh, sorry." Manic and the mares just stared at each other for another ten seconds before the biped pivoted around, and began to swiftly walk away. "K'thanksbye-" before a rainbow dashed forward, catching him in the shoulder.

Manic let out a grunt of pain as the force of the blow made him twist and fall on his side, landing on the ground. Rainbow Dash had used his shoulder as a springboard, using the impact point as a push to gain further air. Looping around, she landed with a thud in front of Manic.

"You didn't think we were going to let you escape agai-" Whatever Rainbow was about to say died on her lips as Manic let out a scream. Backing up in surprise, her eyes wide, she watched as Manic curled up his legs and gripped at his left arm. The mere touch of his right hand to his left, caused him to scream again and thrash about, turning over in the direction of the mares.

Giving the six a full view of his left side, along with his arm, bent in all the wrong kinds of ways. The middle of his forearm was twisted into an almost ninety degree angle backwards, enough to wear the bone from the fracture was poking out, blood dripping down. His hand was splayed as most of his fingers were bent too far backwards, his upper arm curved about like an s, and had a sickening impression of where his right hand had gripped it.

Rainbow gaped at the arm, unbelieving she had caused this much damage, Applejack and Twilight were both in a similar state of shock as well. Rarity fainted on the spot, while Pinkie turned green, and Fluttershy quivered away behind her mane. The mares didn't know what to do, some not being able to stomach such an injury, others too shocked that they had caused so much damage, as Manic twisted and moaned in pain, breath ragged, wet spots marking his mask with what was most likely tears.

Twilight began to move forward towards Manic, not quite sure what to do. She was a good five feet away, when a glass sphere flew out from the edges of the park, impacted at her hooves, and shattered. A thick pink gas erupted from the orb and quickly engulfed the area, leaving the mares coughing and sputtering, eyes stinging, only able to make out silhouettes. A hurried gallop sounded from the distance, quickly approaching Manic. Twilight forced open a teary eye to a measly squint, watching as somepony grabbed Manic and proceeded to drag him away full tilt. Her magic lit up in order to catch the two, but quickly imploded on itself, being unable to focus with the gas impeding her, along with the stress of the whole day getting to her.

Shutting her eye in pain, Twilight listened as the pony galloped further and further away. Daring to open her eyes again, she found the gas had dissipated leaving behind six mares, a pile of ash, and an otherwise empty park, minus one biped. Twilight made to move forward, but found she was exhausted, the day weighing upon her, what with the near psychotic break, stress from the riot, and the shock of Manic's injury, she couldn't take anymore. Flopping down, she curled up into a ball and cried, a good long cry, letting all of her frustrations take their toll, her friends moving towards her, comforting her, and apologizing for not taking her worries seriously.

All-in-all, after she was done, she felt much better.

Oh God, does this fucking hurt.

At least the parts where I'm conscious hurts. The rest is just black. Conscious is used very loosely here, though. It's more like, oh hey, here I am in a place as a thing. And pain, so much pain. I don't know where I am, when I am, or who I am, all I can focus on is the pressure in my arm, and the wrongness of it. Although, certain moments stand out. Hitting a log with my arm was particularly memorable, as well as the swaying of a rope bridge. Other than that, just pieces and bits of information.

Well, now I feel a bit more lucid. Groggily looking about, I spot Zecora standing to my left, looking down at me. How'd she get so big? I smile at her, and mumble what I think is a coherent sentence. The pain is still there but dulled, besides, it doesn't matter, I'm floating so high right now.

Zecora doesn't look too happy, I don't know why, life is pretty. She seems to want me for something, nudging my arm, causing me to wince. I focus my gaze on her, as groggily as I can. She's saying something but I can't understand, it makes me giggle.

She sighs and gestures to my arm. I look to where she's pointing and see someone's made my arm into a hot wheels track. Look at all those turns, I smile a little wider, making what I think are vrooming noises with my mouth. I hear a noise and look back to see Zecora eyeing me. She probably wants to race or something. I nod my head, everyone loves hot wheels.

Zecora moves her hooves to the track, and I wonder where her cars are, maybe the wheels fell off. She places her hooves gently, around this one sharp turn. This track wasn't designed too well, hot wheels can't-

Whatever I was thinking doesn't matter anymore as Zecora quickly snaps my arm back into place, as all I can see turns white. Such a hot, burning white. I think I'm screaming, I can't tell, everything is focused on the snapping. More pain emanated from my left as I feel the pops and cracks in my head. Every finger, bone and joint that is out of place is shoved back into its original position, even as I feel my throat burn.

Eventually the snapping stops and all that's left is a pulsing, a pounding of pain. I crack my eyes open once more to stare at Zecora as blackness takes me again.

Author's Note

I wanted to get this done during the summer. I didn't. :derpytongue2:

Aside from that, I highly doubt I'll have much time for writing this semester. Taking a law class, an intense math class and three programming classes. My life is shot..... and why did it have to be when Fallout 4 is coming out?!?!?! :raritydespair::raritycry:

Whatever. Next chapter will be out when next chapter will be out. Peace, make me laugh in the comments.