Get That crap outta here.
I Just don't know what went wrong.
Princess Twilight Sparkle silently worked on her next project. She was dissecting a frog, she carefully and skillfully moved the scalpel in her hoof as the heart monitor idly beeped. It was the only noise in the otherwise empty room.
All of a sudden the door burst open. Its was her faithful assistant Spike rudely interrupting her.
“Hey Twilight! hows your hammer hang-*BUURRPP!” Spike was interrupted when a letter from Princess Celestia shot out from Spike’s mouth and hit Twilight in the back of the head.
The letter caused Twilight to slip with the scalpel, a slew of blood flew from the frog and the heart monitor started to quicken.
Twilight gasped, she quickly grabbed a nearby syringe and shoved it forcefully into the frogs head.
The heart monitor slowed back to its normal pace, then the frog started to glow.
“Hmmm, interesting,” Twilight said, intrigued.
“Aaaa, Twilight? this is a letter for you, and it looks important.” Spike warned.
“Oh fine,” Twilight removed the facemask and rubber sterile hoof covers to read the letter.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.
It is with much regret that i forbid you of your friends to learn any lessons, or go on any adventures this week. A pet shop has demanded that they be the center of attention this week.
Normal studies and adventure having will continue next week.
-Princess Celestia.
“Are you BUCKING KIDDING ME!” Twilight roared.
“What?” Spike asked.
“Where being replaced this week!”
“By who?”
“SOME BUCKING PET SHOP! I DON'T EVEN BUCKING KNOW!”
“Well, what are we going to do?”
“Grab your coat Spike, we gotta go visit someone who knows a little something about getting revenge’
“But i don’t have a coat”
Twilight gritted her teeth, walked to a nearby closet, opened it and took out a large fur coat and threw it at Spike.
“YOU DO NOW SPIKE! WHEN I SAY SOMETHING COOL YOU BETTER BUCKING GO ALONG WITH IT!” Twilight roared at Spike.
“Okay! Okay!” Spike grumbled.
As Twilight and Spike walked out the front door, Twilight looked back to the table at see if her frog was still okay.
The table was completely empty and the heart monitor was turned off.
Twilight bit her lip nervously “Maybe i should have sedated that thing.”
“Oh Rainbow DaaAAaaAaash” Twilight chimed to the trees of Sweet Apple Acres.
A Tree behind them rustled, the turned to see Rainbow Dash floating out of the branch rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
“Enjoying your nap?” Twilight asked.
“Not anymore” Rainbow Dash grumbled with annoyance.
“Rainbow, we got a situation” Twilight said sternly, “Lots of vengeance need to happen.”
“What happened?” Rainbow asked.
“Celestia wrote me and said a pet shop has replaced us this week” Twilight explained.
“WHAT!? How does that even work!?” Rainbow shouted in confusion.
“I haven’t the slightest clue, the main thing is we need to show this “pet shop” that we don’t buck around” Twilight said.
“I got i idea, a crazy one, a stupid one, but it’ll show them whos boss.”
Rainbow motioned for Twilight and Spike to Follow them, Then Rainbow did a double take on Spike.
“Aaaa, nice coat Spike”
“Thanks i got it today” Spike said.
“Umm, sure you want to be wearing that? its like 60 out here.”
Twilight scowled at Spike.
“No thanks! I’m, fine.”
After a few minutes of walking, the trio came upon a old brick house.
“Who lives here?” Twilight asked.
“You’ll see” Rainbow mused.
Rainbow then performed “Shave and a Haircut” on the door and the “Two Bits” part on the doorbell, then put her fore hooves behind her back and floated in the air, waiting.
The door opened to reveal a grey blonde maned pony with weird wal-eyes.
“Rainbow Dash!” The mare said excitedly.
“DERPY!” Rainbow returned Derpys enthusiasm, “It’s been a while!”
“C’mon inside! i'm baking muffins!”
“Sounds good, Twilight, Spike, lets go.”
The trio followed Derpy into her house, and into the kitchen.
“Listen Derpy, I gotto go to the bathroom but these are my two friends Twilight and Spike, how about you get to know them while I freshen up?” Rainbow suggested.
“Okay!” Derpy returned.
Rainbow trotted off while Derpy turned to Twilight.
“I Think you’re gonna like these muffins, chocolate chip banana is my favorite, Hey? aren’t you boiling in that coat?”
*PANG!
Derpy fell to the ground unconscious and Rainbow Dash stood above her with a dented frying pan in her teeth.
“RAINBOW WHAT THE HEY!?” Twilight yelled in confusion.
“Just Wait” Rainbow said simply.
“Just what the hay are you guys doing in the Derps summer home?” Derpy demanded, in a very gruff and masculine tone.
Derpy stood up, She had changed.
Her long flowing mane had been cropped to a short flat-top, dark sunglasses hid her wal-eyes, in her mouth hung a half smoked cigar, she now wore a red tank top, and two ammo belts were strapped to her chest.
“Derpester! It’s been awhile!” Rainbow chuckled and wraped a hoof around Derpy.
Derp Nukem let out a pained breath of cigar smoke “It’s Derp Nukem to you! and hoofs off the bucking goods!” Derp Nukem slapped Rainbows Hoof away.
“Okay! anyway we got a job for you, some pet shop is trying to muscle in on our airtime” Rainbow explained.
“Airtime?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, we wait a week before we can go on any adventure, soon we’ll have to wait a week just to fly!” Rainbow Answered.
“Those MotherBuckers” Derp Nukem stated causing the Cigar in her mouth to drop to the floor.
“And now they made me drop my cigar, now Im pissed,” Derp stated, another cigar magically appearing in her mouth.
“There visiting the Princess right? so they got to be in Canterlot” Rainbow reasoned.
Derp’s eyes narrowed, she shot up through her own roof proclaiming, “I’ve got stuff to dooooo!!”
“And, Shes off, we won't be seeing much of that pet shop anymore,” Rainbow Said with a smile.
The roar of a huge engine erupted from behind Derpy’s house, Twilight looked out a window to see a gray and red monster truck popping a wheelie in Derpy’s front lawn, then heading in the direction on Canterlot.
“Why does a pegasus who can fly need a monster truck?” Twilight asked.
“Because its cool,” Rainbow explained.
Spike then hit the floor, he had passed out from heat exhaustion.
Derp Nukem drove her Monster truck (Named mommy’s little mailmare) through the streets of canterlot.
*Beep*Beep! “Out the way! I have no insurance!” Derp Yelled out the window, as She smashed through street vendors and taxi carts chuckling to herself.
Derp then rounded a corner.
“YOU!” Derp said in a furious tone.
At the end of the street stood a building named “Canterlots Finest Pet Shop and Boutique.”
Derp Slammed on the gas, the engine roared as she charged down the street and smashed into the front of the store.
*CRASH!
The monster truck smashed through the store like it was wet tissue paper.
“Hehehe” Derp chuckled. But her party was cut short when the engine to her monster truck died.
“WHAT!?” Derp looked down at the gas gauge, the needle pointed to the E as in “Enough derping around CAN A TRUCK GET SOME GAS UP IN HERE?”
Derp smashed the gas gauge with her hoof, Oh well Derp had at least six more of these hidden in the everfree. Derp slipped out of the monster truck and flew to the bed in the back, Derp pulled out a massive machine gun in case there was any pet shop resistance.
As soon as Derp left the pet shop, boutique and monster truck wreckage she saw something that made her gasp.
“*Gasp! YOU!” Derp said in a tone much like the one she said before.
At the end of the next street stood a building with a sign that read “Hoity Toity’s pet shop.”
Derp narrowed her eyes and growled. She angrily flew up to the pet shop and pointed her machine gun at it. Derp's machine gun erupted high caliber fire, ripping the pet shop apart.
Ponies inside screamed and ran out of the store, as soon as the last pony ran out of the store it exploded in a ball of fire for no rational reason.
“BUCK YEAH! Eat it Michael bay! you amoeba brained childhood destroying flankhole!” Derp roared with laughter.
*Click*click*click*click
Derp Looked down to see her ammo belt had run dry, rather sacrificing one of the ones on her chest that looked really cool, she dropped the weapon and looked over to a new store that interested her.
It was called “Berry punches and more!” it was a liquor store.
Derp let out another breath of cigar smoke, “I need a drink.” Derp walked up to the store to find it locked and closed due to injury in the family.
“Oh yeah i remember! heh that was a crazy saturday” Derp punched down the door.
The security bell started to ring.
“Shut up!” Derp yelled at the bell.
Fearing for its life the bell stopped ringing.
“Thats more like it” Derp stated, loading her bottomless tank top with enormous amounts of liquor.
Satisfied, Derp left the store chugging down a bottle of Lunawiser (It will send you to the moon!) when she saw something that made her spit half the bottle up.
“WH-hu-* cough *sputter-*cough-*cough-yoU!” Derp struggled through a throatful of beer.
At the end of the NEXT street stood a building named “Pets-n-stuff.”
“Ugggh, how many of you buckers are out here?” Derp asked the pet shop, who didn’t have the nerve to answer.
Derp walked into the pet shop, finding the owner sleeping behind the counter, the door chimed as she walked in, jarring him awake.
“Wa? OH Hello and welcome to pet-n- stuf- wait what are you doing!?” The owner yelled as Derp picked him up and threw him out of the shop and into the street.
“I’m showing you what happens when you mess with the ponies of ponyville, and/or eat all my muffins” Derp explained, then searched her coat and pulled out several bottles of “Berry punch’s mommy wake up medicine, 180 proof.”
The stallion ran off to contact the guards while Derp started pouring generous amounts of liquor around the shop, after three bottles, Derp took a large drink of the last one and held it in her cheeks. Derp took out her lighter and flicked it, Then spit the liquor through the flame, igniting it and spreading fire to the booze soaked walls.
Within minutes the entire shop with in flames, Derp chuckled to herself as she walked into the street and threw the empty bottles of booze into a public trash can, because littering was for Wussies.
As Derp celebrated her victory with another bottle of Lunawiser, then a lanky Stallion with a slick black mane dressed in a gray suit and a bright red bow tie rounded the corner, he noticed the pet shop was burning and ran in to save all the animals.
Derp chuckled, “At this rate, he’ll never find his bike.”
Derp continued chuckling until she saw something else that made her waste another bottle of Lunawiser.
A large sign reading “You have now entered Canterlot’s pet shop district.”
The cigar fell out of Derps mouth, then regenerated. She let out a blue smoky breath.
“I’m going to need more muffins” Derp stated, turning her attention to a nearby bakery.
“Where did you even learn derpy had a split personality?” Twilight asked Rainbow Dash, as both trotted around Ponyville all day talking about stuff irrelevant to the fic’s shotty plot.
“Back at flight camp, her psychiatrist said it’s the half of her thats got tired of being pushed around for being different” Rainbow Dash explained.
“Oh, so picking on ponies for being different is really wrong?” Twilight reasoned.
“Wrong!? it can get you killed!” Rainbow shouted.
“Oh no! WE JUST LEARNED SOMETHING!! CELESTIA FORBID THAT!” Twilight yelled hysterically.
“OH CRAP FORGET IT! FORGET IT!” Rainbow yelled matching Twilights hysteria.
“DIFFERENT PONIES SUCK!” Twilight yelled loud enough for Celestia to hear.
“I HEARD THAT!” Rainbow agreed with the same amount of volume.
The both of them noticed a gigantic plume of smoke and fire.
“What's that?” Twilight asked.
“I Think thats Derpy’s house,
“Oh yeah, she said she was making muffins, and we didn’t turn off the oven,” Twilight explained.
Both “Hmm”ed at the same time.
“And where’s Spike?” Twilight asked.
“Last I remember he was with us at Derpy’s house” Rainbow said.
“He must of passed out from heat exhaustion,” Twilight explained, “In Derpy’s house.”
“I thought dragons were fireproof?” Rainbow wondered.
“They are, but not temperature proof, their cold blooded, and they constantly have fire with in them, so they have to be careful on hot days” Twilight responded.
“That still doesn’t-”
“IM THE SMART ONE AND WHAT I SAY IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE!!!!” Twilight shouted.
“Okay Okay, so, see you tomorrow?” Rainbow asked, noticing that it was getting late.
“Yeah, goodnight”
“Goodnight”
And both friends parted ways for the night.
Spike awoke early the next morning, his head pounded from the heat sickness and dehydration.
He observed his surroundings and found that he was in a bed of ashes and burning coals.
“Did i do this?” Spike asked, wondering if her becomes some sort of weredragon at night, Then he noticed it was Derpy’s house and the smoldering oven.
“UUGggh why did Twilight make me where that stupid coat?” Spike asked sadly.
Then he burped up a message, having little respect for the Princess who gave him heat stroke, he opened it and read it.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Took care of the pet shop.
You don’t wanna know, it involved bananas.
Too late to save this week, but they will never bother us again.
Normal services will continue next week.
-Princess Molestia
PS. this message will self destruct so my true identity can never be discovered.
“Wait! what was the name on the letter?” Spike questioned, but before he could read it again the paper spontaneously combusted in his claws.
Spike shook it off, picked himself up and started walking home.
Derpy Hooves woke up close to the same time as spike, but her surroundings were much different.
Derpy woke up in a alley on a pile of empty liquor bottles. Sirens howled through the sky amplifying her hangover, She was also surrounded by knocked out guards covered in bruises, and teeth littered the ground. beside her was some graffiti stating “HAIL TO THE KING!”
Derpy picked herself up, she looked herself over and found her flank was covered in lipstick kiss marks. Confused she looked around, she saw that all the knocked out guards had lipstick on their lips.
Derpy sighed, “Rainbow Dash let her out again,” Derp looked sadly at the ground and began looking for something to tell her where she was.
Author's Note
NO regrets, i did it for the lolz.
Edit, you like? press the like button!
if this gets popular enough (or even gets featured) i will most definatly make a seires starring everyones new favorite pony freak (Like fortress freak, yes im making that a thing)
Derp Nukem!
