The Closet Is a Cold Place
Rainbow, pent up with post-teenage angst, sat on the lakeshore and dramatically watched the sun set over the lake. The waves dramatically lapped up onto the beach, and the birds dramatically flitted about overhead, flying off to somewhere other than here.
How she wished she could be like those birds. She desperately wanted to be able to fly away from her problems like they could. Granted, she was a pegasus, so she could technically fly away from her problems, but still. Element of Loyalty and all that business.
What she could do, however, was sit on the beach and dramatically mope about this week's existential crisis. Which, coincidentally, was exactly what she was doing right now:
Sitting on a beach. Moping. Dramatically.
There were no two ways around it. She was having the crisis of a lifetime, and it was for real this time. It was much more serious than last week when she dyed her mane, or the week before that when she went goth. This was super-duper-ultra-mega-super serious. Seriously.
After some dramatically serious self-reflection, she decided that there might be a minuscule chance that she was a teensy-weensy little bit gay.
Sure, she often daydreamed of holding Fluttershy's hoof in her own, or of cuddling Rarity while watching the sunset, or of vigorously frenching Twilight on the library floor with Spike watching. But that didn't mean she was gay, right?
Even if she was gay—which she definitely wasn't—it wouldn't be a big deal. So what if her eyes lingered on Pinkie's flank for a little too long? So what if the only reason she liked the Wonderbolts was because of Spitfire's skin-tight uniform? So what if she wanted to invite Applejack over for a totally platonic, non-sexual sleepover?
Honestly, thinking about these things was normal, especially since they were about her best friends. They were all close. Was she really at fault for wanting to be even closer with them?
Just then, Lyra and Bon-Bon came trotting by on their weekly walk in the park.
Lyra beamed at her. "Hiya, Rainbow! What's wrong this week?"
Rainbow nervously eyed the two ponies. "You guys are gay, right?"
Bon-Bon laughed. "Gayer than Richard Simmons singing a duet with Elton John in a bath house."
"Alright, then can I ask you guys a question?"
"Shoot," said Lyra.
"If I have romantic fantasies about my friends, who are mares, does that make me gay?"
Lyra and Bon-Bon looked at Rainbow, then at each other, and finally back at Rainbow again. With a cheeky half-smile, Bon-Bon said, "No, Rainbow, not at all."
Rainbow scrunched her face up contemplatively. "Hmmm..."
"Sorry to leave so soon, Rainbow, but we've gotta bounce," said Bon-Bon.
"Alright, thanks for your help, guys," said Rainbow.
"By the way, tomorrow night Bonnie and I are having a huge gay orgy with all of the mares from town. You in?" Lyra asked.
Rainbow smiled. "Heck yeah!"
"Cool. See you then! Have a gay day, Rainbow!" Lyra said with a wave goodbye.
After both of them gave Rainbow a hug and a kiss on the lips goodbye, they headed on their way. With a hazy smile, Rainbow watched their swaying hips slowly fade into the distance.
After a moment, the gears finally started turning in Rainbow's head. "...Huh. Y'know, I think I just might be gay after all."
Rainbow frantically paced outside the library. She knew her five friends and Spike were gathered right inside the library, patiently awaiting her arrival. If only they knew what was about to come.
She could just barely make out their voices through the thick mahogany door:
Applejack rubbed her temple with a hoof. "What in Equestria is that feather-brained pegasus doin' now? It's three in the mornin' for Luna's sake! Couldn't it wait 'til mornin'?"
"What I don't understand is why she insisted upon leaving the library," said Rarity. "It makes no sense."
"I think she said that she wanted to re-enter for dramatic effect," said Fluttershy.
"Oh! Oh! Whatever she has to tell us, I hope it's about a party!" Pinkie cheered.
"I really hope she's coming out of the closet this time," said Twilight. "I really, really want to vigorously french her on the library floor with Spike watching."
Spike repeatedly smashed his head into the wall. "Sweet Celestia, I hate all of you so much."
Wanting to capitalize on the dramatic-ness of the moment, Rainbow bucked down the library door and stormed inside. "Everypony, I've got something to tell you... I'm gay."
Silence reigned. Nopony said anything, aside from Pinkie making cricket noises in the corner of the room.
It was Rarity that broke the silence. "Good for you, darling. Though if I'm being honest, I always thought Applejack would be the first to come out of the closet."
Applejack spun around, pointing an accusatory hoof at Rarity. "What's that supposed t'mean?"
"Please, Applejack, everypony already knows that you like mares. I've seen you turn down more stallions than I can count on one hoof," said Rarity.
"Uh, wouldn't that mean she's only turned down two stallions?" Twilight asked.
"And it was that Pokey Pierce fella both times!" cried Applejack. "Just 'cause I turned down one stallion doesn't mean I like mares!"
Rarity stamped a hoof in protest. "But Applejack, you would make the most adorable butch!"
"Why you little..." Applejack seethed. She lunged at Rarity, tackling her to the ground. Rarity let out a shriek and swatted at Applejack's head. The two began to cat-fight, yelling unintelligible obscenities at each other.
Spike folded his arms over his chest and smirked, watching the two ponies viciously tug at each other's manes. "That's pretty hot."
Fluttershy turned to face Rainbow. "I just want you to know that I'll support you no matter what, Rainbow. Thank you for trusting us with your secret. And remember, if you ever need somepony to talk to, I'll always be here for you."
Rainbow frowned. "Fluttershy, I always thought you'd be the most accepting of all our friends. I guess I was wrong."
"But... I... what?" Fluttershy said.
Pinkie gasped. "Fluttershy, how could you! Calling Rainbow a fag is one thing, but that was just too far! That was... it was just plain rude of you."
Fluttershy blinked twice. "But I didn't... I mean, I don't... what?! I only said I would support Rainbow no matter what—"
Rainbow visibly flinched. "I... I can't take any more of your hurtful words, Fluttershy. Please, please just stop."
Twilight shook her head in disappointment. "Fluttershy, that really is just way too far. I'm going to have to politely ask you leave the library."
"But I didn't even do anything!" Fluttershy yelled. "C'mon, Spike, help me out here!"
Spike shrugged. "Sorry, Flutters, but I've learned that it's best to stay uninvolved with these things. Plus, you'll probably all forgive each other in five minutes anyway."
"Spike, escort her out please," said Twilight.
"Wait, you can't kick me out! The library is a public facility!" Fluttershy cried.
Spike shrugged apologetically before pushing a baffled Fluttershy out the front door.
Pinkie flung one hoof around Rainbow. "Congrats on coming out, Dashie! I'll have a party for you tomorrow, but for now, I've gotta start making invitations. See ya!"
Once Pinkie was out the door, Twilight pushed Applejack and Rarity, both beaten and bruised from their little tussle, out after her. "Sorry girls, but it's getting late. If you've gotta fight, do it somewhere else."
After closing the door behind them, Twilight smiled seductively at Rainbow Dash. She strutted across the room, getting up close and personal. "So... you're gay, Dashie?"
Rainbow's face flushed. "Y-yeah."
Twilight gently nibbled on Rainbow's ear, causing her to purr. "Well you're not alone, Rainbow."
Rainbow took a step back to look Twilight in the eyes. "You wanna vigorously french on the library floor while Spike watches?"
Twilight smirked. "I thought you'd never ask."
Spike sighed. "I hate my life so much right now."
Twilight tackled Rainbow to the ground, not wanting to waste any precious time. Lips and bodies pressed together, two became one. Rainbow pushed her tongue deeper and deeper into Twilight's mouth, eliciting a gasp of surprise. Moaning into the pegasus' mouth, Twilight pushed back with her own tongue. The slimy appendages wrestled for dominance, slipping and sliding past each other like crazy.
After what seemed like forever, they finally broke the kiss for a breath of air.
Between panting breaths, Twilight said, "Hey, Rainbow... do you... want to... get married?"
Out of breath and unable to speak, Rainbow nodded her head enthusiastically before diving back in for another passionate kiss.
Spike threw his hands in the air in exasperation. "Fuck it, I'm done." The dragon scurried upstairs to his basket to catch some much-needed sleep.
Lyra galloped full-speed back toward the library, stopping just outside the window where Bon-Bon was currently sitting.
Placing the popcorn down between them, she said, "Sorry it took so long, the store ran out and had to make some more. Did I miss anything good?"
Without taking her eyes off the window, Bon-Bon said, "Nah, Twilight just kicked out all the others. It's just about to get good."
"Really?" Lyra asked. "Move over so I can see!"
Bon-Bon begrudgingly slid over so her marefriend could get a better look. They dug into the popcorn, getting ready for the show of a lifetime.
They watched in silence as Twilight tackled Rainbow to the ground. The two ponies inside the library began to furiously tongue-wrestle.
Bon-Bon nodded appreciatively. "Wow, I don't think I've ever seen anypony french so vigorously before. And the fact that Spike is watching makes it so much better."
"I agree, but shut up. I don't want to miss anything," Lyra said.
Just then, the two ponies inside the library broke their kiss. Though they couldn't hear her, it was easy to read Twilight's lips:
"Hey, Rainbow... do you... want to... get married?"
Bon-Bon let out a foalish squeal. "D'awww, that's so adorable! How come you haven't proposed to me like that, Lyra?"
With a shrug, Lyra said, "Bon-Bon, will you marry me?"
Letting out yet another foalish squeal, Bon-Bon tackled Lyra to the ground. "Yes, yes, a million times yes! You know what? Let's do it. Right here, right now."
Lyra's eyes widened. "Out here in the open?"
Bon-Bon nodded, causing Lyra to smile. "I like the way you think, Candybutt."
And then they had sex.
Princess Celestia pulled herself out of bed, reluctant to start the day. It was just before five in the morning—way too early for anypony to be awake.
Just as she was about to begin the long trek to the palace gardens, a letter appeared in a familiar puff of green fire.
"A letter from Twilight? At this hour?" she wondered.
With a yawn, she unfurled the letter and began to read.
Dear Princess Sunbutt,
Celestia had to stop to make sure she had read that right. "Sunbutt?"
Shaking her head, she continued reading.
Dear Princess Sunbutt,
Rainbow Dash and I have decided to run away to Las Pegasus to get married. We don't care what anybody else says; our love will make it work. But really, that's not why I'm writing you. I just wanted to let you know that I won't be writing any more of your stupid friendship reports.
Seriously, get out there and make some friends of your own. You don't need to live vicariously through a nerdy unicorn mare who is a fraction of your age. There are plenty of ponies who would gladly be your friend.
Later,
~Twi
P.S. Hi, Princess!
P.P.S. Sorry, that was Rainbow.
Celestia had to reread the letter several times to make sure her mind wasn't playing tricks on her.
Once everything had finally settled, she sighed. "Twilight's taken? Dang, now I've gotta find somepony else. I suppose there's always that Trixie mare..."
Author's Note
I am so sorry.
Also, thanks to TBS AlexDK and CelestialKnight for giving the story a look through before I posted it!
