Chapters Cross my Heart and Hope to Fly
I've never written in a journal before. I haven't really needed to before this. I know other ponies keep journals every day, but I've always thought that would be boring. No, I'm starting a journal because I need to write about a problem I ran into today. To be honest, it's a really silly problem. I can't understand why it's weighing so heavily upon me right now. I know my friends are always there for me, but I can't tell them. I don't want to worry them with this petty issue. It'll probably blow over soon anyway.
The worst thing is that I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. You're supposed to be able to know what's causing a problem and fix it. If a cake comes out of the oven burnt, it's because it was baked too long. Next time, you'd set the timer for less. Yet, I don't know why I've been feeling so sad today. It's like the cake is coming out burnt no matter how long I put it in for. It doesn't make any sense, and I have no idea what to do.
If only I hadn't gone to Rainbow Dash's aerial show today. Maybe I wouldn't be feeling this down. Perhaps the random thought that struck me never would have showed up. But why wouldn't I have gone? Rainbow is one of my best friends. There was no reason to think anything would happen to me there.
So here I am, starting this journal. It's the only thing that's helping right now. Hopefully I won't need to keep it past tonight.
"WOOO! Look at Dashie GO!" Pinkie Pie shouted, hopping up and down as she watched the daring pegasus soar above. She and the rest of her friends were sitting in a grandstand in the park, along with dozens of other ponies. In the sky, several pegasi were sitting on the clouds, watching from above.
"It sure was a good idea for Rainbow to hold this fundraiser for the Ponyville Elementary School!" Twilight exclaimed, her eyes fixed on the skies.
"Oh, please. If you ask me, she's just doing this for another chance to show off." Rarity rolled her eyes, giving a disinterested glance above.
"Oh, Rarity...I'm sure Rainbow is also doing it for the school. You know how she loves to help the young ponies." Fluttershy said. Rainbow began to go into a dive with legs fully extended, her body spinning like a top, until it became a rainbow colored blur hurtling towards the ground.
"Whoa, nelly! We ain't seen that trick before! Just lookin' at it is makin' me wanna lose my lunch!" Applejack cheered as Rainbow corkscrewed through several clouds.
As the show went on and her other friends casually chatted to one another, Pinkie Pie was speechless for once in her life. She stopped hopping, eyes glued on Dashie's every move: how she flew through the sky as if it were water, the pegasus effortlessly conquering all three dimensions. Pinkie could practically feel the wind roaring off her wings with each powerful thrust. She had seen Dash fly before, but she had never noticed just how much passion, how much purpose was expressed through the loops and twists. Rainbow had an expression of pure joy on her face, her body soaring with all the ferocity she could muster.
Wow...I wish I could do that...
"Let's hear it for our extremely talented flier, Rainbow Dash! " the mayor announced as Rainbow landed on the stage, an eruption of cheers echoing throughout the park.
"Hey, no problem! I figured I would help out the school by doing what I do best!" Rainbow said, flexing her wings for the crowd. "Besides, that was nothing!" More cheering ensued as she grinned widely, before zipping over towards her friends in the grandstand. "Hey, did you see me up there? How'd you like 'The Corkscrew'?"
"Please Rainbow, you give us shows every time we go out whether we like it or not!" Twilight laughed, her friends joining in. Pinkie just chuckled.
"Still, that corkscrew was somethin' else! I'm surprised it didn't make you heave all over the place!" Applejack said, before glancing over at Pinkie. "Hey, what's wrong with you, sugar cube? You're being awful quiet."
"Oh!" Pinkie exclaimed, jerking out of her gaze. "Sorry! I just spaced out a little there. You did a great job, Dash! I bet you're REALLY hungry after that. Everypony, dinner at the Daily Hay, on me!"
"My, that sounds delicious!" Rarity said, her face lighting up as the six ponies began descending from the grandstand. "But Pinkie, darling, you don't have to pay for us!"
"It's okay! The Cakes just paid me, and I'm making extra now from watching Pumpkin and Pound!" Pinkie beamed, bounding down the dirt road that lead into town. However, she couldn't get Rainbow's performance out of her head.
It's like the sky is another playground for her. I've never seen Dash so joyful as when she's flying. She's so talented up in the sky. She peered down at the ground as she hopped, before coiling up her legs and springing off with all her might, but of course, she landed back on the road. Pinkie looked back, seeing Rainbow casually hovering above the rest of them. The pink pony sighed, the smile momentarily vanishing from her face as she slowed to a trot.
"Pinkie? Are you okay?" Fluttershy said softly. "You just seemed to slow down a lot."
"Fluttershy, I'm fine!" Pinkie managed to dig up one of her signature grins. "I'm just a little tired! I don't have to bounce EVERYWHERE, do I?" she giggled, but the laughter couldn't cut through the chilling feeling that was creeping up on her like high tide.
Shortly afterwards, they arrived at the Daily Hay, a cozy little shack with a pointed straw roof .
"Whew! I'm famished!" Applejack said as the six took their seats around a circular, wooden table. "Good thing we got here before the rush." She glanced around the restaurant, seeing only a few tables filled. "They'll probably all be stampedin' in here now that the show is over!"
A light blue unicorn walked over to the table while levitating six menus, which he set down in front of the ponies. "Good evening. Welcome to the Daily Hay. Might I grab you all something to drink?"
As the waiter walked away to fill their drink orders, Rarity said, "Girls, I forgot to tell you earlier at the show! You know the full spectrum-fashion line I've been working on? It's going to be featured in Canterlot Fashion Monthly!" she squealed, brimming with pride. "In a couple weeks I get to go visit and present my work personally!"
"Oh Rarity, that's wonderful!" Fluttershy said, smiling gently. "You'll be a famous fashion designer in no time!"
"Yeah, that's really super great! Too bad you probably won't have any time to party when you're a big shot!" Pinkie exclaimed, but this news only accelerated the cold feeling itching at her consciousness. She was beaming, but it took her more energy than usual.
How am I special?
She shook her head wildly at this thought, as if to dislodge it physically from her brain. The other ponies gave her a brief, awkward glance, but just chalked it up to her being Pinkie Pie. Shortly afterwards, the waiter returned with their drinks.
"Don't forget, girls! PARTY at Sugarcube Corner tomorrow night! You're all invited!" Pinkie squealed, practically jumping out of her seat. It seemed a bit over the top, even for her.
"Really? What's the occasion?" Rarity asked, taking a sip of tea.
"Just because?" Rainbow snickered.
"Yep! Just because! Who says you need a reason? Come on, you all know me better than that!" Pinkie giggled, throwing her head back and chugging down her entire glass of lemonade.
"Of course, we'll all be there." Twilight smiled.
It's funny. I had seen Rainbow fly how many times? Hundreds? I never gave it a second thought before. It was just one of those things I accepted, like the color of the sky or the taste of an apple. But then, to be jealous for some reason? To want it for myself? There's just no explanation for it. Was my mind slightly weaker that day? Did my 'silly thoughts filter' fail? It makes no sense. All that matters is that it's stuck in my head now, burrowed in my mind like a parasprite. It left me vulnerable to what happened next: when Rarity said her dresses were going to be featured in some magazine. I should have been ecstatic for her...but I wasn't. It was a just a reminder of how she's doing really important, special things and I'm not.
I tried to shake these thoughts at the restaurant. I tried to be my overly hyper, excited self. I hoped this would submerge these gnawing feelings forever, but they kept resurfacing. We continued to talk and laugh, but this longing to be something more was a force field that let only the hollowest sense of joy in.
But this is all just a phase. It'll all be gone tomorrow. A nice party will cheer me up!
-Pinkie Pie
Cross my Heart and Hope to Fly
Pinkie shifted about in her bed as the sun's rays flooded the room. Her eyes slowly opened, not a trace of a smile on her face.
Oh no.
Normally she would be bouncing out of bed, but she just laid there, staring blankly at the ceiling.
I'm still just a boring old earth pony.
The sleep had done nothing to help this feeling. If anything, the thought had only festered in her mind overnight.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
Pinkie closed her eyes and rolled over, stuffing a pillow over her head. She wanted nothing more but to go back to sleep. At least she wouldn't have to feel anything that way.
Suddenly, she rolled back over and hopped out of bed, mustering every ounce of willpower to do a normally effortless task. "Pinkie Pie! Stop it right now! Stop moping! You have absolutely no reason to be sad!" She commanded. "You have a party to plan for! Now go downstairs and make some cupcakes! Have some fun!" Pinkie burst through the door and forced herself to bound down the stairs into the kitchen, where Mr. and Mrs. Cake were sitting at the table.
"Good morning, Pinkie!" Mrs. Cake said, taking a bite of a blueberry muffin. "You're up a bit later than normal."
"Sorry, Mrs. Cake." Pinkie said. "I just was a little more tired than usual this morning." She hopped into the kitchen, but her bounding lacked its normal gusto. "Mind if I make some cupcakes for a party tonight? You can just take the bits out of my next payment."
"Nonsense! Making cupcakes doesn't cost much. It's on us!" Mr. Cake said, before he and his wife stood up and pushed in their chairs. "But Mrs. Cake and I have to run for a catering event. Just don't burn the kitchen down while we're gone!" He chuckled as the two of them left, wheeling a large cart of food.
As the door shut, Pinkie began gathering the ingredients from the cupboard: butter, flour, salt, sugar...and gently set it all down on the counter next to the mixing bowl. She stopped to stare at the setup.
Cupcakes. Again. What about a regular cake? No, I've made tons of cakes too.
Pinkie sighed, beginning to measure and mix the ingredients. No spoons flew through the air. She didn't dump nonsensical amounts of flour or sugar in the bowl, nor did she spin cupcake sheets on her muzzle. There was no spring in her step as she worked, no eager twinkle in her eye. When the first batch was done, Pinkie opened the oven door and placed the cupcakes inside. She then closed the door gently before working on mixing up another batch.
Is this my true talent? Making cupcakes? There's nothing special about that. It's the same thing every time. Mix the ingredients. Bake. Decorate. Serve at a party. Pinkie stopped and momentarily hung her head.
You've done it hundreds of times before. So why feel so sad about it?
Suddenly, she grabbed a dishrag off the counter and flung it at the ground, a gutteral scream erupting from her throat. "STOP IT! You have NO REASON to feel down right now! You LOVE making cupcakes! And you're going to KEEP making cupcakes! You promised your friends a party, so don't let them down!" The oven dinged and she flung the door open, slamming the tray down on the counter. She dashed to grab a spatula and a tub of frosting, slapping the icing on liberally, smearing it all over the cupcakes and pan in typical Pinkie Pie fashion. She couldn't delude herself, though. After getting done with the first batch, she had exerted all her energy and was back to shuffling around the kitchen. She put in another pan and slumped down in front of the oven, staring blankly at the coils as they began to glow bright red. She didn't want to think about anything. To think would only invite unwelcome feelings. She lost herself in the oven, letting it fill her mind so nothing else could enter. But then she forced herself to hop up.
"I know! I'll invite Twilight to come help set up with the decorations! A little company will cheer me right up!" She exclaimed, desperately hoping she was right.
"Thanks for coming to help me decorate for the party, Twilight!" Pinkie said as they walked into Sugar Cube corner. "I WAYYYY overslept this morning. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to set everything up in time! Sorry to tear you away from that book you were reading! What was it again?"
"Oh, I was just reading an introduction to linear and multiple regression." Twilight said matter-of-factly, activating her horn to close the door behind her. "Nothing too fancy. Anyways, I'm surprised you want help with the decorations. Usually you like to do all the preparations yourself!"
"Well, first time for everything, right?" Pinkie chuckled. "I've already got everything out that we need. Balloons, streamers, confetti, kazoos...we just need to set it all up!" She said, opening a box of balloons and letting them float to the ceiling. "Oh, and we need to tie strings on the balloons too! Maybe you start setting up while I make the punch?" Pinkie asked, bouncing over to the fridge.
"No problem! It shouldn't take long at all." Twilight said. As Pinkie opened the fridge, a familiar hum buzzed in her ears. The earth pony turned to see Twilight's horn glowing in a mystical purple aura, supplies beginning to float about the room. Pinkie's eyes widened as she watched a folding table float and stand up in the center of the room. Ribbon coiled through the air and tied itself around the balloons. Kazoos of every color buoyed about before being landing on the table in a neat row. Pinkie was unable to look away from the sight: objects floating through the air, enveloped in a purple glow as Twilight tilted her head this way and that, effortlessly directing the decorations like an air traffic controller.
"Pinkie? What's wrong?" Twilight asked upon noticing Pinkie's glazed expression, the decorations freezing in midair.
"Oh...nothing. It's just your magic. It's really neat. It would have taken me at least an hour to get this all set up." Pinkie said, forcing a smile. "But you just whisked it all into the air, and now we're almost done!"
"Well, it's nothing you haven't seen before!" Twilight chuckled, before resuming her work. "It's just a simple levitation spell. It's one of the first things unicorns learn!"
"Makes sense! I mean, I've seen all unicorns levitate stuff!" Pinkie Pie said, before tearing her gaze away and opening the fridge to grab some soda and fruit juice.
I have to grab all this stuff with my boring old hooves
She set the drinks on the table and walked over to the cabinet to grab a punch bowl.
Look at Twilight. She can do anything with her magic. She could probably turn this whole house into a balloon. Hay, she's Celestia's personal student! She'll probably be some important adviser in Canterlot one day. Pinkie stared down at the bowl in front of her.
I make punch.
"All done, Pinkie!" Twilight called, causing Pinkie to look up. Bundles of balloons were strung everywhere. Confetti cannons were set up right outside the door, ready to blast when the party began. Cupcakes and kazoos were stacked on the table, which was covered in a bright pink tablecloth. The record player was set up in the corner, and colorful streamers billowed down from the ceiling. Pinkie stared agape at the scene.
"Wow, Twilight. You're not trying to steal my cutie mark, are you?" Pinkie Pie managed a giggle, but there was no smile in her eyes.
"Oh please, Pinkie, I'm just following what you normally do!" Twilight laughed, strolling towards the exit. "Is there anything else you need? Because I should go read some more before the party."
"I should be fine, Twilight." She nodded, beginning to pour some orange soda into the bowl. "I'll see you later! I'm just going to wrap up a few more things here."
Twilight nodded, before turning to trot out the door. Pinkie cringed as it became enveloped in a purple glow and slammed shut. She turned her attention to the decorations Twilight had prepared. She did this all in fifteen minutes. It wasn't even hard for her.
Pinkie stared at a cupcake and furled up her brow, straining and focusing all her attention on the dessert. She envisioned it flying through the air, but it just sat there.
I'll never be able to lift it. I'll never be able to lift anything, or do anything cool like Twilight can.
Pinkie dropped to the ground, placing her head between her front legs. The decorations, the cupcakes, the imminent party...it meant nothing to her right now.
No, Pinkie...you have to get up. You can't let your friends see you like this. You don't want to make them worry about you. You'll have fun once the party starts. Just be positive! She pulled herself up and walked over to the counter to continue mixing the punch.
"Well hey there, Pinkie!" Applejack said as she and the other four ponies walked into the room, all of them stopping to gaze at the colorful setup. "Wow..you did one heck of a job decoratin'!"
Pinkie Pie struggled against the lead weights in her cheeks, straining out a beam. "Oh, thank Twilight. She did all the work. I invited her over to help, and she just took over!" Pinkie Pie greeted her friends...and felt a cold shiver go down her spine as she saw Rainbow, hovering casually above the rest, each flap of her wings pounding the bleak sensation deeper and deeper into her head.
Twilight blushed slightly. "Heheh...perhaps I got a little carried away. Sorry I didn't leave you anything to do, Pinkie."
"Oh no, you were a big help. It gave me time to focus on other things!" In reality, Pinkie had spent the last hour slumped on the floor, staring lifelessly at the wall. She had only stood up right before her friends arrived.
"Well, what are we waiting for then? Let's have some FUN!" Rainbow Dash cheered, yanking one of the cannon strings, a large BANG ringing in their ears. A thick blast of confetti rained down on the ponies, causing them all to laugh and giggl loudly. However, Pinkie's laughs were forced. She didn't feel any joy from seeing her friends in such a happy mood, nor did she feel anything from the jaunty rock tune that began blasting from the record player. They all started dancing about, and Pinkie joined only because she had to. She felt as if her body was a heavy sack she was being forced to push around. Her motions were driven by obligation, not true desire.
They're having such a good time. I'm not going to spoil that for them. I'll party if it kills me.
She grabbed a cupcake and scarfed it down, even though she wasn't feeling very hungry. The punch tasted like sludgey water to her, although the other ponies remarked on how delicious and refreshing it was. She smiled through the whole thing, but nothing could penetrate the bleak feeling that clouded her mind.
"Um...Pinkie Pie? Are you having fun?" Fluttershy asked as Pinkie was changing the record.
"What?" Pinkie Pie said, her attention focused on the record player. "What a silly question! Why wouldn't I be having fun? This is a party, isn't it?"
"Oh-I'm so sorry." Fluttershy whispered, taking a small step backwards. "It's just-you seem a little tense, that's all."
"Come on, Fluttershy. You're being silly! I'm always happy!" The smile on Pinkie's face didn't spread as high as it normally did, and her eyes were flat and lifeless.
Fluttershy stared at her for a couple moments. "Well...if you say so..." she turned away, glancing back at Pinkie once more before joining the rest of the ponies in some more dancing. Pinkie forced herself to hop in after her.
"Wow, I'm beat!" Rainbow Dash said, flapping outside the door, panting heavily.
"Indeed, I worked up quite a sweat tonight. I'm afraid I'm going to turn in for the night. Thank you so much for the lovely party, Pinkie." Rarity said with a small bow of her head
"Bye, you guys." Pinkie managed to say as her friends left. Then she turned, hanging her head down, sighing heavily as she began to walk upstairs. Her mane deflated, hanging loosely down over her body, tail dragging behind her.
I never thought there would be a party I didn't enjoy. It was awful. I just wanted to go upstairs and turn off all the lights and lie in my bed. Once again, I tried to act normal. I tried to command myself to stop feeling down. But the mind doesn't work like that, I guess.
If only I didn't invite Twilight over to help. That was a huge mistake. She's so special. So smart. So talented. She's probably the most magical pony next to Celestia and Luna. And linear and multiple regression? What the buck are those things? But she acted like she was just doing some light reading.
I wish I could do magic. I would do so many amazing tricks, make life so much more lively. Right now, though, all I can do is throw parties. The same party over and over again, with the same balloons, same cupcakes, same streamers. It all seems so pointless and empty now. Is this really my true talent?
Seeing Rainbow again didn't help either. She flies around like it's nothing. I'd be ecstatic if I had wings. I would soar EVERYWHERE. I wouldn't be stuck here on the ground. It would be like a rollercoaster I could ride all the time. But no. I'm just a stupid old earth pony. I wasn't even given a choice. I was born this way.
I'm still not going to tell my friends about it. It's silly. I've never heard of another pony not being satisfied with life "just because." They wouldn't understand anyway. They don't know what it's like to feel worthless. I don't want to make them worry.
The worst part is that I still don't know why this is happening. I've spent the last two years with my friends. We've had the best times together. Why can't I be happy all of a sudden? Why can't I focus on the great life I have, rather than the things I lack?
I don't know. All I know is that I want so much more from life. But I'll always just be boring old me. I'll never fly. I'll never do magic. I'll never be important.
-Pinkamena Diane Pie
Cross my Heart and Hope to Fly
It's morning again, isn't it?
Pinkie rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She could hear the muffled buzz of activity from the streets outside her window.
Or is it the afternoon? How long have I slept? She glanced over at clock. One PM. She should have hopped instantly out of bed, but she just laid there, limp and motionless.
If only I had something meaningful to do. But nothing will make any difference. Pinkie could have laid there forever. She didn't want to get up and face the world. She knew she'd only come across more reasons to feel worthless.
But I have to get up. Life goes on.
Pinkie trudged out of bed, her mane still drooping.
Good thing The Cakes haven't need me much recently. I'd barely get anything done. But what should I do with my time? There was so much to do in Ponyville, but nothing seemed appealing to her.
I'll go talk to Applejack. She's an earth pony too. Maybe she also feels down about that sometimes.
She shuffled out of her room and down the stairs one slow step at a time. She then walked into the kitchen and poured herself a bowl of corn flakes. Her chews were slow and lifeless. The cereal just tasted like mush to her. When she was finished she brought the bowl up to her lips to slowly slurp the milk, rather than dumping it all down her throat at once. With a sigh, she pulled herself out of her seat and set the dishes in the sink before turning to walk out the door.
Pinkie immediately felt the sun's hot rays on her face as she stepped outside. It was supposed to be sunny all week. She struggled to keep her head up as she slowly limped down the wide stone cobbled road that ran through Ponyville. She passed ponies chatting and laughing; ponies enjoying meals; ponies with carts set up, selling their wares.
"Come on, look at them, Pinkie." She muttered to herself. "They're all having a good time. They're all smiling. You can smile too." She didn't, though. Her cheeks were cold and numb. She continued to walk, not noticing the stray glances cast her way as ponies wondered why Pinkie was wearing her mane down.
"Oh, hi there Pinkie!" Fluttershy said, gently swooping down beside her. The sound of those wings caused Pinkie to droop her head momentarily, before jerking it back up. She turned towards Fluttershy as the faintest smile tugged at her lips.
"Hello. What are you doing?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"I'm just going to market to pick up some delicious veggies for all my animals. They go through it all so fast." Fluttershy said, before glancing at Pinkie with a look of concern. "Are you okay? You don't look so happy. Your mane is drooping."
"Fluttershy...I'm fine. I'm just wearing my mane down today. I know, it's not a style I do often. Pinkie said flatly, facing forward, refusing to look at those wings.
"But Pinkie...your mane is only down when you're sad." Fluttershy said, dropping to the ground, folding her wings in and trotting next to Pinkie.
"No, that's only sometimes. Right now it's down on purpose." Pinkie stated. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine."
Fluttershy stopped walking, hoping to get Pinkie to do the same. "Pinkie...I'm your friend. You can talk to me if you want. You don't have to hide anything.
However, Pinkie kept moving forward, her pace accelerating slightly, not even turning back to glance at her friend. She sighed, knowing she wasn't fooling anypony. "It's nothing. I don't want you to worry about it. It'll all blow over soon anyway."
Fluttershy just stood there, watching as Pinkie shuffled away. No words came to the yellow pegasus's mind. She turned and slowly walked in the opposite direction, hanging her head.
Meanwhile, Pinkie was reaching the edge of Ponyville city limits. Buildings became more spread out as she walked, and the stone road gave way to an old dirt path. Soon there was no other pony in sight, just Pinkie as she dragged herself onward. The path stretched over rolling emerald hills towards Sweet Apple Acres, an earthy scent wafting into her nostrils. Apple trees dotted the grassy landscape, the fruit glistening in the sun. However, the beautiful scene was lost on Pinkie. Her eyes remained drooped towards the ground below, and she had to search for motivation with every step.
"Pinkie Pie? What in tarnation are you doing here?" Applejack called over from the orchard, too far away to notice Pinkie's mood. She was in the middle of applebucking, and several baskets were set up under nearby trees.
Pinkie's head snapped up. She didn't expect to run into Applejack this far out in the field. "Oh, hey Applejack. Just coming to visit, I guess. Nothing else to do today." Pinkie slowly stepped over the fence and walked the short distance towards Applejack.
A worried expression graced the farmer's eyes as Pinkie approached. "Sugarcube? What seems to be the matter?" She said softly as Pinkie trudged towards her.
"It's nothing, Applejack. Feeling a little down, I guess." Pinkie said, trying to downplay her feelings. "Just been thinking a little too much lately. It'll pass. I am Pinkie Pie, afterall." She managed a smile. "I just wanted to come and ask: have you...ever... wondered what it would be like if you weren't an earth pony?" She stammered, specifically avoiding using the word "wished."
"What? You mean, if I were a unicorn or pegasus?" Applejack said, glancing inquisitively at Pinkie. "I've never given it a thought before. Would be neat flying I s'pose, and magic is alright, but real ponies work with their hooves." She said, bucking back and giving a forceful kick to a nearby tree, a cluster of apples raining down. "To be honest, I don't have time to think about those things. I have an apple farm to run. Gotta keep the town fed, ya' know. Plus, fact of the matter is, I'm an earth pony. No use in thinking otherwise." Applejack trotted over closer to Pinkie, studying her expression. "Why do you ask? Is that what's on yer mind? You look a little glum."
"Yeah, a little. Just a thought exercise. I'm not really worried about it." An empty chuckle escaped Pinkie. "I was just curious if you'd ever thought about it."
"Nah, like I said...Pinkie, are you sure you're okay? Your mane is all wonky." Applejack said, giving Pinkie a concerned glance.
"That's what Fluttershy said. Don't worry about it. It's not your problem." Pinkie sighed and hung her head. "Why don't I help you bring the apples in? It'll help me get my mind off things."
"Well..." Applejack scratched her head. "If you think you're up for it, then sure. I'd appreciate the help. Here, just lift up the apple buckets and carry them back to the barn."
Pinkie nodded, trotting over to one of the containers. She concentrated at the task at hand; with a surge of strength, she lifted the heavy bucket onto her back and slowly made her way towards the barn, a good quarter mile away. Her muscles ached and she panted heavily, but she pressed on. The hard work distracted her as she worked with a purpose, moving from the orchard to the barn and back again, hauling the heavy apple buckets. The thick cloud hanging over her head gradually evaporated as Pinkie sweated, too tired to think about anything except the work she was doing.
Several trips and two hours later, Pinkie Pie and Applejack had wrapped things up, the two staring proudly at twenty buckets of apples in the middle of the barn. "Whew! That was a workout!" Pinkie panted. "Thanks for letting me help, Applejack." A genuine beam was spread across her face; she had completely forgotten about her sulking.
"Of course! And thank YOU for the help! Why, I'd still be bustin' my hooves out there if you hadn't come along!" Applejack grinned. "But I'd best be gettin' to supper. I'll see you tomorrow, sugarcube."
"Yeah, me too. I'm REALLY hungry after all that work! I'm gonna go home and grab something good to eat. Bye, Applejack!" Pinkie giggled, turning to hop down the dirt road back to Ponyville.
Suddenly, all the thoughts that had been pushed out of Pinkie's mind during the exercise came flooding back. Her bounding became less and less exaggerated, like a top losing its spin. It felt as if some pony had filled her muscles with lead. She slowed down to a crawl, drooping her head down.
This all occurred not thirty feet from the barn. Applejack had forgotten about Pinkie's sad state, but it struck her once again as she watched Pinkie suddenly begin trudging up the hill. "Oh Pinkie...what in the hay is keeping you so glum?" She sighed, turning to slump towards her house.
Applejack thinks she's so special with her apple farm. Well, she isn't. Anypony could grow an apple orchard. It's not even hard.
And Rarity, you and those dresses...don't you have anything more important to do?
The words echoed in her mind, empty and meaningless.
Pinkie slumped up the steps of Sugarcube corner as the sun sank beneath the horizon. It's getting late. The Cakes must have gone to bed already. She opened the door and stepped inside, a gasp escaping her. "Fluttershy? What are you doing here?"
Fluttershy was sitting in the kitchen, sipping a glass of milk. "Oh, hello Pinkie. I just thought I would come over to try and help you cheer up a little." She smiled.
Pinkie closed the door. "Fluttershy, I told you, I'm fine." She said flatly. She began to walk up the stairs, freezing as Fluttershy suddenly flew out of her chair and landed in front of her.
"No, Pinkie. You're not fine. Your mane is drooping. You slump when you walk. Your voice is flat and dull. Please, don't lie to me. I'm your friend. I can't stand to see you like this. Talk to me. Please ." Fluttershy said, her voice cracking slightly.
As Pinkie stared into Fluttershy's watering eyes, she drooped to the ground, fighting back tears herself. "Fluttershy...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to worry about me." She buried her head between her legs, sniffing.
"I told you, Pinkie. I'm your friend. Friends help each other with their problems." Fluttershy cooed, sitting down next to Pinkie and stroking her head.
"But-I have a stupid problem. You wouldn't understand. Nopony can understand."
"Pinkie...didn't you learn from our ordeal with Twilight? You always listen to a friend's problems, no matter how insignificant they may seem." Fluttershy smiled softly.
The words rang true in Pinkie's brain as she was struck by this display of compassion, digging up a sense of joy that she thought was lost forever. However, only a small smile graced her face. "You're right. I won't hide my problems from you." She sighed, before forcing the lump of thoughts out of her throat. "I feel worthless."
"What? Pinkie Pie, you're not worthless! Not at all!" Fluttershy gasped. "How could you think such a thing?"
"But I am ." Pinkie began to sob, tears leaking steadily down her cheeks. "I can't do anything neat, and I'm not special. You and Rainbow can fly. Twilight can do awesome magic. Rarity is a high class dress maker. Applejack has an apple farm that feeds all of Ponyville. You're all important! What makes me important?"
"Pinkie..."
"Nothing. I hop around. I make desserts. I throw parties. That's it ." Pinkie cried. "I just wish for so much more. I wish I could've been born differently. But I'm just boring old Pinkie Pie.
"But you're not boring! You're the most lively, energetic pony I know! You make me smile every time I see you!"
The words were lost on her. Pinkie just sat there, weeping silently.
Fluttershy sighed, slumping down and sitting on a step next to Pinkie. "Pinkie...I know what you're going through."
Pinkie sniffed and looked up at Fluttershy. The pegasus had a sad, forlorn look in her eyes "Y-you do?"
"Yes. I do. I went through this sort of phase for a few days a couple years ago." Fluttershy said. "I thought I was worthless too. Look at me. I can hardly fly, and I plummet to ground when I get scared. The smallest thing makes me jump. I don't really do anything important, either. I hang around animals all day. Does that sound like a glamorous life?"
Pinkie got up, sitting on the step next to Fluttershy. "Well..." she trailed off, not wanting to offend her friend.
"It's not. But life doesn't have to be glamorous in order to be worth living. It's all about what makes you happy. I love animals. They're my passion, afterall. But sometimes it can be easy to lose sight of what we have, and instead focus on what we lack. I know the feeling. It felt as if nothing else mattered; that no matter what I did, life wouldn't be any more significant. That's what I'm seeing in you right now." Fluttershy spoke in a wise, serene tone that caused Pinkie's sense of desolation to slowly fade.
"Wow, Fluttershy...I had no idea." Pinkie said softly. "How did you get over it, though?"
Fluttershy smiled. "I can't remember exactly, but I know it was something really simple. It only takes a simple spark to shine through your doubts. In that one instant, all my sorrow melted away and joy flooded in. I accepted who I was without reservation. It'll happen eventually. You just have to keep your hopes up."
Pinkie sniffed, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Thank you, Fluttershy. You're such a good friend. I promise I'll try to get better soon."
Fluttershy beamed, giving Pinkie a quick hug. "Do you Pinkie Promise?"
Inexplicably, the numb sensation began to return to Pinkie's face, and her optimistic expression faded.
I want to believe she's right. That everything will be okay eventually. But right now...I still feel hopeless. She got over it. I have no idea if I ever will. Even if she thinks her life is bland, mine is still worse.
Pinkie sighed, her head drooping down.
"No. I can't Pinkie Promise. Not until I know for sure I'll be okay."
I feel awful. Fluttershy came over to try to cheer me up. She almost cried, seeing me like this. Apparently she's been through the same thing. Her words were so true: I'm focusing on what I don't have. Like I've said though, I can't just tell my mind how to behave. I can think about all the ways I'm supposed to be happy, but that won't necessarily make a difference.
I learned that Applejack doesn't worry about these sorts of things. She has her farm to worry about. She has a clear purpose in life. That's what I need to do. I need to rediscover my purpose and recapture happy feelings. Fluttershy said it would be a simple thing that brings back joy. I just need to watch out for it.
At least my friends will be involved now. Applejack or Fluttershy is bound to tell them. They'll help. They can provide the spark. Whether or not I'll be with them to grab it, I do not know.
-Pinkameena Diane Pie
Cross my Heart and Hope to Fly
Where is that pony? It's almost three in the afternoon! Fluttershy thought to herself as she strolled down the main road. She couldn't put her hoof on it, but the atmosphere seemed different. The chatter was slightly quieter than normal, that much was certain.
"Cheerilee? Have you seen Pinkie Pie?" Fluttershy asked upon passing the teacher.
"No, I haven't. I didn't see her yesterday, either." Cheerilee shook her head. "Did she go somewhere?"
Fluttershy sighed. "I'm afraid not. Pinkie has been feeling a bit...down recently."
"What?" Cheerilee stopped and gasped. "Pinkie? Feeling down? How is that possible?"
"I don't know. It's just one of those things that happens, I suppose. The mind is a tricky thing."
"That's so sad to hear. Of course, I feel sad occasionally too...but then I see Pinkie hopping around the street with her antics, and I can't help but smile." Cheerilee grinned. "If you run into her, tell her I hope she feels better soon." She nodded as she resumed walking.
As Fluttershy continued towards Sugarcube Corner, Applebloom sprung over from the sidewalk. "Hey Fluttershy! Have you seen Pinkie Pie around? I wanna jumprope with her!" The filly cheered, swinging the rope around in her mouth.
"Applebloom..." Fluttershy almost didn't have the heart to tell her. "Pinkie Pie isn't in the mood to play right now. She's feeling a little sad."
Applebloom's jaw dropped, the jumprope slipping from her mouth. "Pinkie Pie isn't sad! Why, if she's sad, what about all the other ponies that she cheers up? What will happen to them?"
"I hope they'll be fine." Fluttershy uttered. "I'm going to go find her right now. She'll be better soon, don't you worry."
"I sure hope so..." Applebloom sighed, trudging off, jumprope dragging on behind her.
Meanwhile, more and more ponies asked Fluttershy about Pinkie. Where was she? Why wasn't she bouncing everywhere or shouting random things in the streets? Every time she had to tell them what was wrong, and they all sighed or hung their head upon hearing the news.
That's what's wrong. Pinkie isn't here, and every pony has noticed. They need her so they can smile a little more. Fluttershy broke into a moderate gallop.
Pinkie Pie...I hope you're okay.
She burst through the door of Sugarcube Corner and bounded up the stairs past a very confused Mr. and Mrs. Cake. She yanked on the door to Pinkie's room, the doorknob rattling in her hooves. "Pinkie? Are you in there?"
No answer.
The pegasus dashed outside and hovered up to Pinkie's window, and her heart sank. Pinkie was inside lying on her bed, facing away from Fluttershy; the only movement was her steady breathing. "Pinkie!" Fluttershy shouted, knocking on the window.
Pinkie rolled over, her dull, lifeless eyes meeting Fluttershy's. She smiled weakly, before her gaze drifted over towards the wall. Fluttershy banged on the window a few more times, but Pinkie just stared into space.
Oh Pinkie.. .Fluttershy floated away, fighting tears. With heavy flaps of her wings, she drifted towards Twilight's library.
How did this happen to you? What happened to the pony of infinite happiness I loved? I need you. Every pony needs you.
Fluttershy sniffed. Don't worry. If you can't find your spark, we will.
About an hour later, Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Twilight were gathered at the library. They stood amongst the bookshelves with worried and confused looks in their eyes. Except for Rainbow Dash, who just hovered with an annoyed expression on her face. Fluttershy had dashed around town to round to find all of them, only saying that there was a big problem before zipping off.
"Thank you for coming, every pony. There's something we need to talk about." Fluttershy sighed.
"Oh no...is this about Pinkie Pie?" Applejack said, shaking her head. "Yesterday, she came 'round my farm all droopy and all. Asked me whether I had ever wondered what it'd be like to be a pegasus or unicorn. Really odd question, if you ask me. But the way she walked home...she looked as if she would never be cheerful again."
"Pinkie Pie is...sad?" Rarity gasped in disbelief, staring at the ground. "It can't be!"
"Yes. It's awful. I went to talk to her yesterday." Fluttershy said. "She's worse than sad. She doesn't know who she is. She told me she felt useless. She said she only makes cupcakes and throws parties; that she wants to be able to fly or do magic or do important things that matter."
"Nonsense! Pinkie Pie bakes the most delicious goodies I have ever tasted! And her parties brighten every pony's day!" Rarity scoffed. "She doesn't need magic or wings to be special!"
"Yeah...that girl is somethin' else. I don't know how she manages to know just how every pony ticks. She can cheer up any pony quick as lightning." Applejack said.
Twilight sighed, hanging her head. "Pinkie...how could she feel this way? Doesn't she know we all love her? That she's special in our eyes and that nopony can replace her? Come to think of it, she did seem hypnotized by my magic when I was helping set up for the party...oh dear."
"So what's the big deal?" Rainbow said with disinterest. "Pinkie's feeling a little sad. She'll get over it. She's Pinkie Pie."
"Rainbow Dash !" Fluttershy leaped up and hovered over Dash, getting right in her face. "How can you say such a thing? How would you feel if you couldn't fly? What if you felt so useless that you couldn't even drag yourself out of bed in the morning? Would you just 'get over it'?" she snarled.
Rainbow jumped back, slinking into the wall as Fluttershy pounced on her.
"Pinkie has lost her place in the world! She feels as if absolutely nothing in life matters! When I tried to go see her today, she was lying in hed bed, staring at the wall! She wouldn't even look at me! So do not tell me she'll just get over it!"
The other ponies sat in stunned silence, staring as the color drained from Rainbow's face. Fluttershy landed on the ground and gave Rainbow a quick glare before flicking her head away.
"I...I'm sorry. I didn't know she felt that bad." Rainbow choked. "But what can we do to help her, if she doesn't think anything matters?"
"If only I had more books on psychology..." Twilight said, books flying through the air as she glanced through them. "It doesn't make any sense. She was happy before, right? Did anything in her life change at all?"
"It's not that simple, Twilight." Fluttershy shook her head. "The mind doesn't work like that. We could march up to Pinkie and tell her a thousand reasons why she's special and why we love her, but it probably wouldn't make a difference. I...went through the same thing before." She said darkly. "She needs to rediscover her purpose on her own. I told her it would be the simplest thing that would get her back on track. All we can do is give her a gentle push in the right direction."
"If only we knew how..." Rarity sighed. "Poor darling. I won't be able to focus on anything while she's like this." A murmur of agreement followed. They sat there, feeling almost as hopeless as Pinkie did. Their best friend had lost her place, and they had no idea how to show her back to her happy world.
Suddenly, a wide beam slowly spread across Fluttershy's face, a bolt of inspiration having struck her. "I think I know what we can do." She hovered over to Twilight's desk and grabbed a quill, dipping it in ink. She began to write on a sheet of parchment. Just a minute later she was done, not even half a page written. "Here." She said, holding up the sheet. As every pony read it, smiles slowly graced their faces as well.
"Fluttershy, that's so perfect!" Twilight squeed. "Oh please, let this work. Let this bring our friend back."
Maybe I don't have to get up...maybe I can just sleep all day...
Pinkie remained slumped in her bed, still staring at the wall. Her mind and body were both completely numb.
I could read a book...no, I'd just come across characters with lives more interesting than mine. Bake? No. Play piano? I can't play the piano! Tennis? Golf? Boring games. Visit the spa? Learn a new talent? It'd take too long to even bother. Go out and impact the world? How? I have nothing to offer. Absolutely nothing.
Pinkie wasn't tired in the slightest; she was completely alert, which made everything that much worse for her.
No wings. No magic. Nothing special about me at all. I'll never soar in the clouds, or hurl objects through the air with just my mind. So many wonderful spells, but I'll never cast them. I'll never know that joy. Never, ever, ever.
Ever.
Ever.
Ever.
The word droned on in Pinkie's head. It was a desolate feeling: she felt a deep longing for something more, yet she couldn't deal with the fact that the wonderful gifts of flight and magic would never come. She could wait an eternity, but she'd still be the same boring pony.
Stupid Twilight. You just had to come over and show off your fancy magic to make me jealous. And Rarity just had to bring up her dresses and rub her success in every pony's face. You all think you're so special. Rainbow, walk on the ground for once. Do you really have to fly everywhere we go? Your apples taste awful, Applejack. You aren't the only one running a farm around here. Ponyville would be fine without you. We could get some better fruit, like pears. Pears are way better than apples.
Suddenly, a letter slid under the bedroom door. Pinkie blinked a couple times, before pulling herself out of bed and shuffling towards the parchment. She unwrapped the scroll of paper and began to read. She recognized Fluttershy's neat handwriting.
Pinkie Pie:
It's true, some days are dark and lonely. Maybe you feel sad, but we'll always be there to show you it isn't that bad.
Pinkie stared at the words, running them through her head several times. They seemed so familiar to her, but she couldn't quite recall where the they came from.
There is one thing that makes us happy, and makes our whole life worthwhile. That's when we get Pinkie to smile.
Smile. It was all coming back to Pinkie. A wide grin began creeping across her face
Just remember:
Come on every pony, smile smile smile.
Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine.
All I really need's a smile smile smile-
"From these happy friends of mine." Pinkie spoke along with the last line. Tears of joy began to stream down her cheeks as the song struck her very soul, carrying with it her purpose in life. Images of happy, smiling ponies gushed into her mind; ponies of every color and size, all smiling just after a brief time with Pinkie. She was jumping with them, playing with them, or simply talking to them. No matter what she did, they were all beaming afterwards. Pinkie could feel the joy of every pony surge into her.
I make my friends smile. I make every pony smile. No matter how sad they may be, I can always brighten up their day. No other pony can say that. That's my gift. How I do that-the parties, the cupcakes, the bouncing and hopping and cheering, my antics-it's all a part of me. No other pony can claim to be me.
But if I'm sulking up here...they can't count on me to cheer them up.
Every doubt, every longing, every insecurity she had before melted away, leaving a pure, joyful sensation of relief that she had never felt before. How could I have ever forgotten who I was? Just minutes ago I was numb. I was hopeless.
Now I'm Pinkie Pie again.
Pinkie Pie dropped the letter and bounded out her room and down the stairs, beaming down at her friends, wing and horns and all, their expressions lighting up as they saw Pinkie's bright, shining face and poofy mane.
"PINKIE!" They all pounced and cuddled up against her, rolling on the floor.
"You guys...I'm so sorry!" Pinkie sobbed. "I didn't mean to get so sad! It's just-I don't know! I don't know why it happened! But I'm back now! You can smile again! I promise, I won't ever make you all sad again! Never ever ever! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!"
"Pinkie, it wasn't your fault! We're just so glad to have you back!" Rarity exclaimed. They all stood up, beaming at each other with wide, happy eyes. "And I'm sorry I didn't notice how sad you were feeling!"
She giggled. "Don't be silly! I barely even saw you the last couple days!"
"Hey Pinkie, you know what this calls for?" Rainbow grinned, zipping over and tackling Pinkie.
"Of course! A PARTY! "
Dear Journal:
I don't need you anymore. I promise never to write silly thoughts in you ever again. Cross my heart and hope to fly.
-Pinkie Pie
