It Gets Better

After storming away from the cafe and flying back to the cloud that had become my home for the time being, I sat on the edge, feet dangling off as I continued to seethe with rage. This showed that my only friends from Earth didn’t even understand me, and if they didn’t, then no one truly did. They didn’t understand the plight I endured back home, and how wonderful being here is: just how amazing a prospect coming here and staying is to me. In this moment, I despised my old friends. But even as much as I wanted to hate them, a part of me resisted.

She’s right, you know.

Not now. I’m not in the mood.

No, definitely now. Now is when you need me the most.

No, I don’t. I’m fine on my own. I’ve pretty much been alone for years now, and I’ve handled it just fine.

You’ve never been alone. I’ve always been here, and I will always be with you: you can’t get rid of me. I’ll always be here to help you.

I sighed to myself, eventually relenting and delving into my own mind, readying myself for a confrontation with my own psyche. We stood in an empty space, two identical figures standing across from each other in the vastness of blank emptiness. It was now that I was finally able to get a look at myself since coming here. My skin had tanned and darkened, leaving me a light tan that replaced my previously semi-pale skin tone. A red beanie sat atop my head, concealing my hair beneath it. A leather jacket studded with pins over a black hoodie and plaid shirt, torn jeans and running shoes. And finally, a chain, wrapped around my right wrist. I looked...well, to be quite honest, more than a bit rebellious.

“Now, listen here, you son-of-a-bitch. You’re gonna shut your goddamn trap and listen to your own fucking head, got it?” the other me said, taking me off guard with his sudden outburst. “You’re being your own worst enemy here. You’re driving your friends away with what you’re doing: those two care about you, dammit. They want to be there for you and support you, but you’re not letting them. Sure, Lindsey isn’t agreeing with you. Big fucking deal. She just wants you to make the right decisions. She really does care about you, and she doesn’t want you fucking up your life just because you think no one cares about you back on Earth. That’s a total load of shit and you know it. Everyone you know would miss you if you just suddenly disappeared. Their lives wouldn’t be the same as they are now. And, as much as you think to the contrary, they do enjoy your company. You may think they hate you, but you’re just a bit too much for them every now and then. They do honestly care about you, you dense motherfucker.”

I was too shocked to respond, never thinking that I had this knowledge locked away inside of myself. To think that I had actually known this all along, even though I had been wallowing in my own unhappiness for years now...it only made me angrier. My mind had been keeping this from myself, and my brows furrowed in anger as I finally spoke up to my inner self.

“You never thought that there was a good time to bring this the fuck up? I’ve despised myself for every breath that I’ve taken for the past three and a half years, and you never thought to tell me this? And don’t give me the whole spiel about how I ‘knew it all along deep down inside’. If I’d known it, I wouldn’t have fucking hated myself and thought I was a burden to everyone, now would I?!” I yelled, beginning to step toward my mind’s representation of itself, fists clenched in rage. “You say you were fucking there for me, but you never fucking helped me! I was reaching up through the water, grasping for anything to pull me up, and you just fucking sat there and watched me drown, you son of a bitch! If you weren’t my own goddamn head, I’d fucking kill you, you worthless piece-of-shit!” I finished, letting out an almost-bestial scream as I fired a powerful blast at my other self. It simply passed through his body, proving me unable to do any damage to myself in my primal rage.

“Alec...you and I need to work together. I am your rationality, your reason. I see the truth. I make my decisions based upon calculations and intuition. But you? You are emotion. You are compassion and empathy, and your decisions are based upon how your actions will affect others. If we can finally work together, we can solve the issues that were created when you took over. Ever since you took more control, he’s been in a rut: he can’t get out of the hole that you’ve dug with just you helping him. You’re trying to claw your way out of the dirt, and I’m standing here holding out my hand to pull you up. I can help you to help him. He needs both of us. He needs someone to make decisions based on what is best for him, but he also needs an emotional influence on everything he does: but not to the degree that you have been doing. He’s unstable as he is now, teetering on the edge of a proverbial cliff, about to fall off if we don’t something about it. So, please...let me help.” His voice was soft, reassuring and calm: everything that it shouldn’t be. If he was reason and logic, cold calculations and decisions made based on nothing but data, then shouldn’t he be the same way? Instead, he seemed to be taking what was best for me, for us, into account. But maybe that’s what logic truly was: doing what’s best for the situation as a whole, not what was best for oneself.

“You...you’re right. He is a broken, and battered, and about ready to take a dive off the deep end. But when you were in control, he wasn’t happy either: he didn’t have friends, he didn’t have a social life. The gains that I’ve made, however small they may seem to you, are monumental in comparison to the things that you did. When he was more like you, he was smart, sure, but he wasn’t happy, either. But...we do need to work together. You and I...we need to be more in tune, so that we can help him. You can help keep me under control, and I can help you make better decisions: decisions based on what he feels, not what he thinks.” I responded, smiling slightly. “You know what? You’re not so bad, after all.”

When I was finally back in my body after the experience inside my head, I felt...different. Changed, but...better. I felt more in tune myself, as if something that had been wrong for so long had finally been fixed; as if some sort of conflict that had been roiling inside me had finally been resolved. I’m not sure how I didn’t notice it immediately, but I quickly realized that Dash was staring at me strangely, wings flapping to keep her at a steady altitude as she studied me.

“Alec?” she asked, eyebrow raised in a mix of worry and intrigue. “You okay? Ya seem...really out of it.”

“I’m...fine, actually.” I answered, my thoughts seeming faster and more focused than they had in years. “I actually feel really good, to be honest. Like...I just feel right, ya know?” I asked, looking at her for validation. My response seemed to reassure her, as she alighted next to me, feet dangling off the edge of the cloud as she sat next to me. “You know...I love this time of day.” I said, a small smile on my face. “I love sunset. It’s just so...beautiful. Sunset is really the only time of day I feel truly at peace. You wanna know why?” I asked, turning my head to look down at her. She didn’t respond verbally, settling for a nod as she stretched her arms and wings. “Because it reminds me of the people I care about, and how important they are to me. To me, it makes me realize just how beautiful some things can be, even when you least expect them to be so...amazing.” As I spoke, I couldn’t help but glance towards her, silently directing my words at her. “I makes me feel...at home here. Makes me feel...loved.”

Dash yawned quietly, starting to rise to her feet before I reached out, taking her by the wrist and looking up at her. “Stay here, will ya? I just...wanna watch a little longer.” She paused at first, staring at me before smiling slightly, settling back down next to me, looking out at the horizon along with me. We sat in silence for a long while as the sun continued to dip below the edge of the landscape, with Dash eventually leaning her head against my shoulder before falling asleep soon after. And in was in that moment, with Dash beside me, leaning against me at sunset that I realized something.

You're in love again.