Short Change Hero

by JoeBobWhitney

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 3452

Pandora. A desolate planet filled with hostility. Many people are brought to Pandora by the tales of the mystical Vault. A cache of alien tech. Those who seek out the Vault are known as Vault Hunters. This is the tale of six Vault Hunters.

Pandora. A desolate planet filled with many dangerous creatures. Alongside those creatures are the humans, the occasional alien and the rare Siren. The landscape of said planet is also…unwelcoming. However, what interests many to the hellhole that is Pandora is the tales of the Vault. A mythical cache of alien weaponry and technology greatly hidden on the planet. Those who seek out these legendary Vaults are known Vault Hunters. This is a tale of six Vault Hunters as they transcend beyond Pandora to another planet, very much different than their own.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-02 05:58:27 UTC

Act I - Intro

"Short Change Hero"

Prolouge: Act I - Pandora

    "BIENVENIDOS A LA FIESTA, AMIGOS!" The sound of two guns firing and blood splattering ringed throughout the canyon as a maniacal laugh came afterwards.

Welcome to Pandora.

    A wasteland filled to the brim with many things considered by normal standards - absolutely chaotic. Many creatures of this planet have been deemed extremely dangerous, more-so than Earth. Any other beings on the planet are in the form of humans, friendly or not. Now you're probably saying to yourself, "who in their right mind would live on this this planet?".

Well, I'll tell ya.

   People from across the stars come for the mystical "Vault" hidden on Pandora. Fabled to contain alien technology, many people have tried to find the Vault. Those who do are called Vault Hunters. But - enough about Pandora, our story is about six very special Vault Hunters. Hilarity ensues as you may guess.

    Our tale begins with the six Vault Hunters approaching the mountainous Terramorphous Peak. Rumors tell of a powerful and leviathan-sized thresher yet to be killed. Many people have tried to vanquish it, all have failed.

  "So...dibs on his drops." The short man in front stated nonchalantly. In his hands a red, rusted Bandit shotgun. This was Salvador, the Gunzerker. Two guns are better than one for this guy.

"Oh the hell you don't, you freakish midget." The taller man behind him angrily replied, loading his Vladof rifle. This was Axton, the Commando. A ex-soldier who can commandeer a Sabre-class Turret produced by Dahl.

"What did you just call me, pendejo?" He stopped and turned around.

"Oh, it's on!"

"ENOUGH!" A woman stopped them both by stepping in their way as they raised their guns at each other. This was Maya, the Siren. Sirens were powerful women who had these strange blue markings similar to tattoos along their body and could use mystical powers unknown to simple humans.

"Maya, move! This dick of a 'teammate' needs to learn a lesson and I'm going to give him one!" Salvador growled, reaching for one of his grenades.

"The same goes to you!" Axton replied, trying to push Maya out of the way.

"ARGH! YOU TWO, SHUT UP! YOU'RE MAKING THE VOICES SPEAK LOUDER AND THEY HURT SO MUCH!" The second tallest man yelled, clutching his head tightly. This was Krieg, the Psycho. This guy is absolutely bat-shit insane, also he was filled with mania. Tons of it.

"Uh...fine. Just for now." The two were slightly scared of Krieg, so they shut up. But not before, they shot a glare at the each other.

"Thank you, Krieg." Maya replied.

"YOU'RE WELCOME, BLUE-HAIRED LADY."

"So, we jump down there, eh?" Salvador asked, rubbing his beard as they stared at an large, metal trapdoor-like device.

"I guess so. I mean, we've fallen higher heights, haven't we?" Axton commented.

"I've always wondered that. How the hell do we not break our legs? Like when I was a kid, falling from a large height used to crack my knee. Now, nothing happens as I fall one thousand miles or more. This technology shit confuses the hell outta me."

"You can say that again."

"I SMELL BLOOD!" Krieg yelled as the four looked down at the gory mess that the last fool left. Chunks of flesh, organs and gore were strewn across the grass at the bottom. Maya grimaced at the sight.

"I think they didn't have a fun time." Gaige commented. That was Gaige, the Mechromancer. She was a young girl who could create a powerful killing machine known as Deathtrap. Deathtrap was pretty badass.

"It's STRANGLING time!" Krieg pushed the five out of the way and jumped down.

"LET'S DO THIS!" Salvador yelled as he followed, the four right behind him.

   As they landed on the ground, a loud rumbling shook the ground beneath them. They saw the maniac, Krieg, over by a horn, Buzz Axe at the ready as he was hunched over, ready to charge. Then, a monstrous creature rose from the earth.

  "Holy shit." Axton backed up in surprise as the size of the creature and whipped out his Sabre Turret, boosted with Gemini and Double Up, causing the turret to fire two large guns and and the same time, another turret appeared, firing all the same. "Let's go, you bitch!"

  Maya instantly brought up her hand and activated her Phaselock ability, boosted with Ruin and Wreck, slagging Terramorphous and hitting him Corrosion and Shock, constantly damaging him as she unloaded many bullets into him. With her Wreck skill, her gun's fire rate was boosted greatly.

  Salvador equipped two guns, dual-wielding them with his Gunzerking ability, boosted with Come At Me Bro. Salvador put away his guns and gave Terramorphous two middle fingers, causing the next set of attacks to be directed at him which the other appreciated greatly.

Gaige activated her powerful machine, Deathtrap, boosted with Make It Sparkle. She shot Deathtrap with a Fire Elemental Handgun, charging the robot with the Element of Fire. She smiled smugly at her death robot, tearing through Terramorphous with some ease.

  Now, I'm sure you expected Krieg to activate Buzz Axe Rampage but instead, we get this. Terramorphous had attacked Krieg many times, since Krieg charged him with his Axe. His health was low but a rising urge overtook him.

"RAMPAGE TIME! MY AXE IS *THIRSTY***!" The others gazed at Krieg as his body morphed and grew grotesque.

   His body became larger and much more stocky as right arm began elongated and muscular, veins bulging at the intense pressure while his left arm shrunk and became nearly miniscule. The size of his Buzz Axe nearly quadrupled in size, ready to be used by the new(but temporary)Krieg. He was now a monster, a Badass Psycho Mutant. With a enraged war-cry, he charged at the seemingly invincible Thresher.

"Holy...fucking...shit" Axton quickly jumped out of the way of the Mutant, charging head on at Terramorphous. Each swing of his axe tore at Terra's flesh as the five joined him in battle, slowly but surely killing the gigantic thresher.

The five were tired and drained as their ammo began to run out, leaving them with barely any ammunition. Seemingly, he was un-phased by all the damage they earlier dealt. He began finishing off the five with brutal, devastating attacks with his Rock and Beam Tentacles.

"Hey, we are down a teammate! Where the hell is the weird dude with the blade?' Axton yelled to everyone.

"That dude? Actually, I have no clue." Gaige replied over the gunfire.

"HE BETTER HAD NOT OF BAILED ON US! IF HE DID, I SWEAR TO GOD I'll-" Salvador yelled.

"Shit, outta ammo!" Axton interrupted Salvador.

"Me too!" Maya added.

"All of us are!" Gaige noted.

"See, this is why guys need to regenerate ammo like Salvador does." He laughed as he pressed the triggers on his guns once more. They made a empty, heart-stopping "click" noise.

"...Fuck."

As they gazed onwards towards their inevitable death in the form of a Thresher, a figure appeared atop the Beast. A tall, dark figure with a sword in hand. As they stared, they saw something appear on his black onyx faceplate before the figure attacked.

">:]"

The beast screeched as a sharp sword entered it's skull, cutting through it's flesh like butter. With that, the figure hopped off of Terramorphous as he began descending towards the ground. As the legendary beast fell, a literal shower of colored loot poured down on the Vault Hunters.

"You fought well beast / But I fought so much better / I'll pick your corpse now." Zero claimed as his sword vanished back to it's sheathe.

"Aw yeah, more loot and guns!" Gaige pumped her fist as the tech of all sorts flew down upon the ground.

"YES! MORE GUNS!" Salvador yelled in victory, pumping her fist alongside Gaige.

"I like my treasure like I like my baby steaks, rare!" Krieg claimed, running over to the loot.

"Excellent." Zero proclaimed as he picked up a powerful, Blue-Tier rarity Hyperion sniper rifle called the Fremington's Edge. He admired the extreme and unusual zoom of the scope.

"So, that's where you went. Nice plan." Axton commented as he equipped his new Purple-Tier rarity Dahl Assault Rifle.

"Of course. You know that / Sniping is my thing / Not head-on attacks." Zero stated

"I've always wondered, why do you speak in haiku? I mean, there's nothing wrong with that but why?" Axton pondered.

"That is a secret / You will probably never know / Do not worry about it."

"Alright, then. C'mon, let's get out of here, the stench of death is starting to get to me."

"Agreed."

"Alright, so, I got a new Shotgun, a new Rocket Launcher and a Handgun. What about you guys?" Salvador smugly claimed

"I found a orange soul-stabber!" Krieg laughed.

"What the hell? Why do you get that?" Salvador questioned.

"YOU WANNA FIGHT FOR IT, TINY MAN?" Krieg responded as he faced him.

"You bet I do!" He replied.

"LET US DANCE THEN!"

"No! You two, enough!" Maya stopped them.

"Why should I? Why the hell does he get the legendary weapon?"

"Because he did the most work outta all of us. Jeez, you're acting like a spoiled child." Maya stated, causing Salvador to give her a glare but turn away.

"Fine." Salvador grumbled to himself as they all left Terramorphous Peak, knowing well that battle was freaking awesome. And I agree.

About a week later, Lilith contacted the six and asked them to meet her, Mordecai and Brick in Sanctuary. A few moments, the six pulled up at the floating city through the Quick Travel Station. The six made their way through the city to the Crimson Raiders HQ in town. Brick greeted them at the entrance and led them upstairs.

"Hey, Lil'." Maya gave her a friendly nod as the rest walked upstairs.

"There you guys are. Alright, so get ready. Apparently, there are Vaults scattered through space on planets. Whether these vaults have gigantic Eridian Superweapons in them is up to debate. With the help of some Hyperion tech that Brick and Mordecai fetched for us, we created a Hyperion Teleporter powered by Jack's Moon-base. You guys get suited up and get ready to head out." Lilith explained.

"Sweet." Axton stated.

"Are you kidding? This is awesome!" Gaige added.

"This could be cool." Maya admitted, shrugging her shoulders.

"Yeah! If it's full of guns, more loot for us! I couldn't give a shit if it had another big monster thing. The 'Warrior' literally exploded in loot! It was AMAZING. I'd never seen more guns in my entire life. It was like I died and went to Gun Heaven." Salvador stated, drooling slightly at the memory.

"I don't think that exists, you fool." Zero ruined Salvador's reminiscing. The Gunzerker shot him a annoyed glare. "Still, though. It sounds amazing / I wish it existed / Guns are a man's best friend...besides dogs."

"WHATEVER. MORE KILLING FOR ME!" Krieg yelled, causing each of them of jump. "LET'S GO!"

  About thirty minutes later, the six were all ready to head out. They spent their many Eridium ingots, got some guns, shields, class mods and grenades and met at the Hyperion Teleporter. After being all prepped for the teleportation, Lilith activated the device. Blue energy began to circle the Vault Hunters. Within a brief moment, the six were blinded as they were being flung through the familiar blue void.

  Within a minute, they felt ground underneath them once again. The sounds of nature was the first thing they heard, unlike wind blowing along dust. The land they were currently in was more alien than one would ever expect. Fields of green grass blew in the wind as butterflies, squirrels, deer and other day creatures were out and about. It was so weird seeing so much...friendly nature unlike Pandora.

"Are we in...hell?" Axton asked as scratched his head, utterly confused at the sight before him.

"No. I thought Hell was really red and fiery." Salvador replied, confused as much as Axton.

"Yeah, if we were good guys. But people like us who kill get sent to the opposite. A place filled with adorable bunnies and shit." Axton stated.

"Fuck the bunnies." Salvador spat as he chucked one of his Inflammatory Sticky Singularity grenades. In a split second, the grenade exploded. The explosive pulled in nearby creatures as it stuck to a gray bunny, incinerating everything around it. "OH MIERDA!" Salvador jumped back as the grass ignited. Axton grimaced at the sight of what was left of those creatures remained before trying to put out the fire.

"Maybe we should find a town?" Gaige asked.

"Good idea, Gaige." Maya added after giving Salvador a cold look.

  They began walking in no particular direction, noticing no difference in the land as they continued. Within time however, they began to notice a town in the distance. Particulary large, the village seemed to be built out of wood and hay which confused the six Vault Hunters since most houses on Pandora were built out of metal and wood. Shrugging their shoulders, the V. Hunters headed towards the town.

  In no time, they arrived at the town and their faces were expressionless at the local residents of the town. Small, technicolor horses. The most prominent feature of them was the marks located on the side of their butts. After the six rolled into town, eyes were on them like flies to honey.

"What are they?" Gaige whispered to the five.

"No idea." Axton scratched his head in confusion.

"MAYBE THEY'RE ENEMIES!" Salvador yelled, activating his Gunzerker mode and charging at the "horses". As he charged, they screamed and ran away. The short man laughed hysterically at that. "THAT WAS HILARANTE! THEY WERE LIKE ROACHES IN THE LIGHT!" He nearly dropped to his knees laughing.

"You may of just ruined our chances of talking with them, you idiot!" Axton slapped him on the back of the head.

"Yeah, right. They were too cute-sy to not forgive and forget." Salvador wiped away a tear of mirth. "And why do we even need to talk to them anyway?"

"To learn where the hell we are, you stupid!" Gaige stated.

"Whoops." Salvador smiled sheepishly and shrugged. Maya face-palmed and sighed disappointingly. As they continued arguing and yelling at each other, they forgot about one particular man who was quite the...chaotic one.

"Krieg?" Gaige asked as they all turned to the man who was just staring into space. Maya then waved her hand in his face, trying to alert him. Nothing.

"There was so many." He spoke. "Now they're all gone. Amongst the colors, there was one I saw who was so pretty. I can't see her anymore. She was so clear and bright, but the blood is in my eyes and now I can only watch the ocean of blood. It's waves crash against my forehead again and again AND I JUST NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SURF!" He yelled before taking off, blazing into town like a bat out of hell.

"The fuck was that?" Axton asked.

"No clue, bro." Salvador scratched the back of his head in confusion.

"Well, let's look around town, I guess. Maybe we'll find someone who isn't afraid of us." Maya sighed.

"Probably not." They heard Zero say from the back of the group.

  They each nodded to each other and took a different path through the town, splitting up to hopefully save time of going through the entire town. As they walked through the town, they noticed all the "horses" that they saw hid instantly. Trying to make friends with them was not exactly an option anymore. t took a good few minutes but they met back up near the center of town, next to some tall tree.

"So, Salvador fucked us." Axton blurted.

"What? How?" He replied.

"For one, we could've found out where the hell are we and what the hell they are. Maybe we could've found a way back home? But no." Maya explained.

"HEY, I'M NOT PERFECT SO FUCK OFF."

  "Hello?" A soft voice was heard amongst the yelling which made the three there freeze dead in their tracks. They slowly turned their heads towards the location of the voice. A pony was there, amazement in her violet eyes. Her mane was flat and long, running along her back and coming down beside her neck. Her mane was a dark indigo with one pink streak in it, similar to a highlight. Her fur was colored a pale purple, lavender if you will. The most interesting trait was her wings on her body and fur colored-horn atop her head.

"Whoa. Did you just talk?" Salvador asked, confused.

"Why yes I did. All ponies can talk. It seems you can too." She replied with a hint of snark in her voice.

"Oh, so we got a listillo, huh?"

"Listillo? Is that a word of your language?" She then pulled a notepad out of nowhere. She held it aloft with her "powers" and jotted down some notes before looking up at the three again. "So, who are you guys?"

"I'm Axton. This is Salvador and that's Maya. We came here from another planet, seeking a hidden - let's just say - treasure. We were hoping you - uh - ponies knew where it was."

"What kind of treasure?" She asked, scribbling down more notes.

"It's some sort of a cache, containing - well - we aren't sure but it's very important that we do find it. Um, sorry about scaring everyone by the way." Maya stated.

"It's okay and it's everypony. Anyways, a cache? Interesting. Do you know where?"

"Underground, we assume or hidden away from civilization." Salvador added. "Also, how in the hell are you doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Holding that notepad in the air like that, like a bruja?" Salvador stared at the floating notepad with a sense of wonder. The other two then noticed that as well, staring at with the same sense of wonder.

"Oh. That's my magic." She tapped her horn which they then was engulfed in a magenta aura. "With my magic, I can hold things with telepathy. I can also cast spells and such."

"Like...magic spells?" Axton asked.

"Duh. What other kind of spells are there?"

"I'm... not sure." Maya shrugged her shoulders as did the other two.

"Anyways, where are you all from?" She quickly shook her head before continuing.

"Pandora. It sucks, that's all that needs to be said. It's full of pendejos and that's it."

"Pen-de-ho? What's that mean?"

"Asshole."

"Oh." She then jotted that down as well.

"That's spelled with a 'J' by the way." Salvador noted.

"Really? Interesting." They heard the scribble of her covering a word with more ink and re-writ the word. "So, are there more of you?"

"Thousands. But with us, just three others. They're somewhere around here."

"I am here / Like a shadow, I appear / Unknown to my enemies and allies." A tall figure in black armor appeared from nowhere, causing Twilight to jump back. "Who are you?" Zero asked the pony.

"Oh excuse my manners!" She blushed in embarrassment. "My name is Twilight Sparkle. And you are?"

"I go many names / The 'Unseen Killer', the 'Ninja' / But you may call me Zero." He answered.

"Haiku? How mysterious." She then writ down more words before looking back up. "I think I see another of on your friends and uh...my friend." They turned around and saw Krieg standing there, carrying a Rainbow-maned cyan pony with wings. "Rainbow Dash? What happened?" She asked him.

"I DON'T KNOW. YOU DON'T CONTROL ME." He then put her down and whipped out his axe. The four were about to stop until he sliced open his own upper chest with his Buzz Axe. He gave himself a deep gash that bled quickly. "IT'S A FLESH-RIP THAT LEAVES ME SCREAMING!" He then fell backwards, knocked out to loss of blood.

"What a fucking maniac." Axton face-palmed.

"Is he going to be okay?" Twilight rushed over to him. She watched in utter amazement as his deep, should-of-been lethal wound began healing. Within seconds, the wound closed up and he was good as new. "What was that?"

"Regeneration. All of us have it, thanks to some highly questionable stuff. Don't worry, we're nearly indestructible."Salvador stated, in a as-a-matter-of-fact tone.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Gaige then walked up, hands in her pockets. "Is that a pony?" She then rushed over to Twilight, hugging her tightly. Twilight choked at her grip. "OHMYGODOHMYGOD. I LOVE MLP! MY STUFF IS NAMED AFTER YOU GUYS!"

"Aw shit."