Pessimism and Sarcasm

by Jerec the Ascendant

Rating: everyone
Tags: Self Insert, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 50399

It's a self insert where I end up in Equestria around the beginning of Season 4 and accompany the Main Six in their adventures.

A terrible self-insert, Human in Equestria, where I end up in the fore mentioned world, and go on adventures with Twilight and the gang, while dealing with such problems as depression, home sickness, etc.

Takes place starting after the Season 4 premier.

Original Cover art by Blackshadow of Abys
Updated cover art by Tennis Match Fan
Editing done by molly wormdirt

The story is rated E, as there is no use of language or heavy sexual themes. The only things that will be used are things that have been in the show itself, such as mild suggestive themes and mild violence.

Story has been finished, but because I suck as an author, enter at your own risk. Now it serves as a warning on how not to write stories.

Published 2014-04-15 03:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-23 20:37:19 UTC

Chapter 1: Waking up

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 1

Waking up

"This can't be good." A line that has quite a use in many a circumstance - like this one.

I'm staring at a non-human shape hidden under a white hospital sheet. The mystery figure doesn't remain such for long though, for as soon as I say that, the figure pops its head out. Greeting my vision are giant eyes, cyan fur, rainbow colored hair, a miniscule snout or maybe a muzzle, and long ears. My mind's gears start turning, trying to figure out why this creature looks so familiar. The head looks in my direction, pinpointing me as the source of the voice it heard, and suddenly exclaims, "IT TALKS!"

The gears in my head freeze at that; realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

This can't be happening. This - this has to be a dream. I can't be stuck HERE! It's impossible! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

I pull my left arm out of the sheet and pinch my right arm as hard as I can. "Ow." I look back up. Nope, still there. Okay, time for drastic measures. I slap my face, once again as hard as I can. Looking over, I still see her. Her. This is impossible. This doesn't happen. How could this happen? Why did this happen?

I look back at Rainbow Dash, her face frozen with a look of confusion and a hint of curiosity. She seems to be having just as hard a time figuring out why I’m here slapping myself as I’m having figuring out how I got here at all. I don't dare get out of the bed, as my right arm has not only the monitor attached to it, but also an IV. I look back to my belongings, and see that the shoes are on top of a bag: the bag for my Alienware laptop. Well, as long as the lightning didn't destroy it, at least it'll provide a distraction. That's when I realize I had things stashed in the pockets of my cargo pants. The pockets still feel full. Time to check. Reaching into the right knee pocket I find my PS Vita, its charger, and a pair of headphones. Was I thinking ahead or something? Well, I may as well check to see if it's fried.

I press the power button on the top and the console silently awakens. Thank goodness for that; my luck seems to be changing a bit. Okay, next pocket. My other pocket contains my 3DS XL, a case of DS and 3DS games, and its charger as well. This is definitely more than just a coincidence that I packed these. Did I subconsciously see into the future and prepare myself or something? Odd. Too bad I couldn't have subconsciously avoided this situation entirely. I check the DS's condition, and find it to be just like the Vita - halfway charged and running fine. I don't bother checking the other pockets; I know their contents and that they are either useless, or way too far out of area to have service.

Looking out the window, I discover that it’s likely still the middle of the night. The room is lit, however, by the light of the full moon and the flashlight Dash was using to read. Well, first things first: they have devices that run on electricity it seems. Hopefully they have outlets just like ours. I mean, everything else in that show is just like Earth, pretty much. Pulling out my now almost useless cell phone, I turn it on and use it as a light. I follow the cord on the monitor all the way to its power source and make a good discovery: the outlets here are exactly just like ours, size included. Thank goodness. Well, I guess since I have time I might as well cope the only way I know how.

Booting up the Vita once again, I select a game that can easily take my mind off of the place: Yugioh GX Tag Force 2. I don't know why it's such an all-consuming game to me - it just is. As usual, I skip past the intro and start the game. In game, I make my way around the island academy and find one of my favorite characters to duel. As the duel starts, though, I hear the clop of hooved feet getting closer to my bed. It seems that the game caused some intrigue, and Dash gets closer to investigate the electronic noises and flashing lights. I decide that it would be better just to let her watch rather than to ignore her, so we end up lying and standing respectively, watching pixelated cards and life point meters on the screen.

Author's Note

Once again I ask for hints, tips, positive criticism, and possibly nacho's, also I'm looking for an artist for cover art.

The next chapter will involve a meeting between "myself" and several others, ponies appearing will definitely be the rest of the main six, and Celestia, but if there should be others there as well, I don't mind suggestions.

Chapter 2: First Impressions

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 2

First Impressions

Rainbow Dash continues to stare at the screen, and I win another duel. I move the character around some more - looking for another victim. I wonder how long she's going to stand there. It can't be much longer; this game must seem pretty dull to those who aren’t playing it. I find my next victim, Syrus Truesdale, and start up another duel. Rainbow Dash sighs as the now all too familiar duel music sets in. This must be it. Now the question: Is she going to leave or talk?

"Is that all that's ever gonna happen? Geez, boring." Talk it is.

"Oh, and I suppose you could find something more entertaining." Please do.

"Yeah! The Daring Do book I was reading is way better than this!"

The duel with Syrus ended with my victory, as usual. I save and go to the Vita's menu. "Really now, and I suppose you're book can do...THIS!" I load up the game Playstation All-Stars and let the intro play. Whatever expression was on RD's face must have changed, as she doesn't respond or move away. She’s probably entranced by the elaborate intro.

I decide to take advantage of her vulnerability. "So, what exactly happened to me? How did I get here?"

"Somepony found you in a field and brought you in,” she answers quickly and monotone, without taking her giant eyes off my screen. From what I could see, you weren't doin' too hot."

Now I sigh. "Could you be more specific?"

"You were all gray and purple when you came in." A mass of bruises, grand.

"So, do you know who brought me in?"

"A pony named Applejack." She mumbles this as she sets her forehooves on the edge of my bed, stepping forward and pushing me over to make room for her to lie down. Her right wing fluttered gently, the feathers tickling my face.

"Gaah!" I nearly fall out of the bed as I recoil, brushing the feathers away and trying not to sneeze. "Holy crap, it's called personal space!"

"Hey, I couldn't see what was going on in your doohickey from just the side of your bed."

"Right." I press the power button on the Vita, putting it in sleep mode, and slip it back into my pocket, prompting her to back up. "So what landed you in here, then?"

"Tch. I broke my wing. Again.” She blushes slightly as she slides off the bed, showing me her bandaged right wing. "But I should be outta here today. You too, I think."

I lean my head back onto my pillow and look up at the ceiling. Let's see if I've got this straight: I'm stuck in Equestria. When I came in here, I was all bruised up, but those bruises seem to have healed. I don’t know the difference between time flow here and back home, so asking how long I’ve been unconscious wouldn’t help much. I have no way home, but somehow I have my gaming devices for comfort.

Both our heads turn as the door opens. Another familiar pony walks in - all purple with a horn, wings larger than Rainbow’s, and a dark purple mane with a pink stripe running through it. I prepare myself to play Twenty Questions, but when Twilight sees that I’m awake she turns and leaves immediately, with a cheerful smile on her face.

"Uhm, wh-?"

I’m cut off by the sudden arrival of seven more ponies: the other five "Elements", Celestia, and Luna. The sound of their hooves clopping against the linoleum floor echoes throughout the room. I recognize them all instantly, but don't show it. Bronies dream of this moment, don't they? How jealous they would be if they knew. I groan inwardly at the thought, but I stifle my groan when I look at Celestia, the only pony in the room whose face is unreadable, except this slight gleam in her eye.

All the others look at me excitedly and with fierce curiosity. Even Fluttershy, though the nervous pony is hiding, crouched down behind her friends, looking up at me from between their legs.

Celestia finally smiles at me. "I am Princess Celestia. This is my younger sister Luna, and this is my star student and the newest princess of Equestria, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight cheeks blush and she waves to me as Applejack takes a step forward. "Howdy, I’m-"

"Hi! My name’s Pinkie Pie. What's your name?" The energetic pony gasps and continues without giving me a chance to answer, “Oh my gosh you're new here that means I need to throw you a Welcome to Ponyville party!" There’s a slight pause as she gasps again, remembering that I wasn't even from Equestria. "But I also need to throw you a Welcome to Equestria party! Two parties in one! This needs to be an extra special super spectacular-" Pinkie’s interrupted by Applejack shoving a hoof in her mouth.

A party. That's not something I need right now. What I need is to wake up from this crazy dream...or is it a nightmare?

"Well as I tried to say before, I’m Applejack. That,” she says with a deliberate stare at the party pony, “was Pinkie Pie."

"Hello there, darling. I'm Rarity, Ponyville's most fashionable Unicorn.” She tosses her mane dramatically over her shoulder, holding her chin high and a hoof to her chest. “Now, I couldn't help but notice that when you were found you were wearing the oddest garments. You simply must come to my boutique and tell me all about them. I want to know everything there is to know about the fashion of this ‘other world’ from which you came."

Grand - just grand.

Rainbow punches her hoof into my shoulder, accidentally knocking the wind out of me. Stupid bruises! She doesn’t apologize. "The name’s Rainbow Dash! I'm the fastest flyer in Equestria!"

I nearly roll my eyes. Lastly, Fluttershy is practically shoved into view, hiding her entire face except her left eye behind her long pink mane. "I'm Fluttershy."

At least someone feels about the same as I do. Maybe they’ll all leave soon, and I’ll be able to play some more.

Celestia rejoins the conversation. "So now you know us all,” she says with a soft laugh. “As for how you got here however-" She pauses, both her smile and that gleam in her eye disappearing.

No! Go Back, Be Cheery! I'm looking for good news! GOOD NEWS!

"Unfortunately, even I am not quite sure. Applejack explained to us that her younger sister and her friends found you near their treehouse, unconscious and bruised over. They called Applejack, and then together with her older brother Big Macintosh, they brought you to Ponyville's hospital. That was almost two days ago."

Again. Whatever that means.

"I should probably tell you who and what I am then. I'm Jacob. I'm a human. So, it was nice to meet you all. I do think I should be getting home now, though," I say with a meaningful look at Celestia.

Please let there be a way home.

"That is going to be a problem, as not only do I not know how you got here, but I also have no way to send you back to wherever it is you came from." Her face is somber. She's not lying. Not good. This is definitely not good.

Then her face lights up slightly. "Do not be discouraged, though. Luna, Twilight, and I will search for a way to send you back to your home. In the mean time, however, you will have to stay here in Ponyville. Of course you’ll be staying with Twilight or one of her friends."

The others suddenly straighten, their ears perking up. Apparently they weren’t thinking of this. Poor Fluttershy’s eyes seem to be about to fall out of her head.

I’m excited too, Fluttershy. Don’t worry.

Celestia and Luna nod to me and step out of the room, while the other ponies convene to discuss my living arrangements. Pinkie Pie hops around them, simply repeating the word “discuss”, in her high and bubbly voice.

I roll my eyes again, and interrupt their meeting. "Okay, one thing before you all go nuts about this, I'm deathly allergic to cats-"

"Wait, what do you mean by "deathly allergic"?" Rarity looks at me with confusion.

"I mean that when I'm exposed to a cat I get itchy eyes, stuffy nose, it’s hard to breathe - you know. Allergy stuff."

"Oh."

"Anyway, I'm allergic to cats. Pollen too, though it isn't as bad as cats. I just get the itchy eyes and stuffed up nose."

"Well, that seems to rule out Rarity’s and Fluttershy’s,” Rainbow Dash says, acting like the chief justice in the matter, folding her forearms across her chest and leaning back on her bed.

"The pollen thing may be a mite of a problem back at the farm," Applejack shifts her eyes back and forth as she says. Her eyes finally land on Twilight, as everypony else also looks at her.

"Okay, well. That leaves my place. I hope that’s okay with you, Jacob." Though she says this modestly Twilight isn't really hide her excitement too well, what with a massive smile on her face while she bounces back and forth on her hooves. I can just tell that I’m in for a lot of experimenting.

Can this nightmare end please? I don't want to be stuck here. I couldn't handle being away from my family for three days, and the nine and a half months in Virginia a couple of years ago were just awful. This is going to be much worse. Oh, I can already feel my depression setting in.

I decide it’s time to get out of the bed. As I slowly sit up and get ready to stand I practically feel Twilight's gaze focusing on my every single movement. This is probably the most uncomfortable I've ever felt in my life as I shift the blankets and stand up, crossing to the chair with my other clothes and my laptop bag. I first put on my shirt; it's a black T-shirt with a large logo of the Systems Alliance on the back and small one up front, and under it the red 'N' and white '7'. Next I pick up the laptop bag by the strap, pulling the strap over my head and placing it over my left shoulder so the bag landed next to my right thigh. The bag itself is also black with the word 'Alienware' printed along the front.

Then I sit down in the chair, and put on my socks and shoes. My shoes were yet more Mass Effect paraphernalia, made to match the paragon and renegade ratings. If only they knew about Mass Effect, then I wouldn't have to answer the likely coming questions about each of these. That, and at least I’d have something comforting to talk about. Looking outside once again, I see that it is still rather dark, which confuses me. The sun should have come up by now.

Rainbow Dash trots over and looks out the window with me. “Oh good,” she says, exhaling on her bangs to get them out of her eyes. “The weather ponies remembered we scheduled a storm for today.” She struts back to her friends. “I was worried. Those guys can hardly do anything without me.”

Well, at least it's raining. One good thing in this nightmare - at least I hope it's a nightmare.

"Alright then,” I turn to Twilight. “I'm ready when you are."

Author's Note

Once again, please leave comments on how I'm doing and how I could improve.

Also, Once again, I'm looking for an artist to do cover art, and maybe also in chapter pics. I can't pay, but I can offer my own advice, my services as an editor for any fics you may do, and/or permission to use characters I create so long as they stay within character of course.

Chapter 3: Optimism meets Pessimism

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 3

Optimism meets Pessimism

Another morning I wake up in Equestria and not at home in my bed. Can I just say, I've never really liked sleep-overs, and this is worse because I'm not even with my friends. I’m stuck in a room with several extra-dimensional creatures, almost all of them asking questions, staring in curiosity, and in general not helping me adapt to this environment. The most fun I’ve had here was when they decided to tell scary stories. We watched “Jurassic Park” on my laptop and it scared the proverbial pants off them.

Otherwise, my depression seems to love the seat it's taken in my mind. Time to go stop it in its tracks with some video games.

Slowly and silently, I crawl over to my possessions, where I grab my laptop and put on my glasses. Stepping carefully around the snoring ponies, I reach the stairs and tiptoe down into the main room of the library. I settle myself onto the floor and hit the power button. What game should I play? Maybe Mass Effect would be best - for some nostalgia. It gets to the start screen, and I just decide to let it continue playing Vigil's theme, while I wait for that cool short video to play.

"Many decisions lie ahead - none of them easy." You've no idea how right you are. Let the game begin. Making what’s likely my fourth or fifth character on the PC alone, I decide to go with a FemShep Infiltrator, who was born a spacer but became a war hero. My favorite combination for Shepard's back story. I travel through the first level and get to the point where Jenkins gets killed by Geth Drones.

I hear a gasp behind me and a small “Oh my!" I immediately pause the game. Can I ever get a moment to just relax? I turn my head and find myself staring at a wall of white fur. Above me is Princess Celestia, looking down at the screen of my laptop. How did I not notice her coming in? She has hooves - she's not exactly quiet. Do I really shut out the world around me this much when I play games?

"Uh, hi." Her great eyes fall from the Mass Effect pause menu to me. Her face is contorted with either a feeling of worry or disdain - disdain for what my entertainment seems to be made up of.

"He just died didn't he? Are all the things you entertain yourself with this violent?"

"Not all of them,” I feel my cheeks redden and I fiddle with the buttons on my controller. “Just, heh, just most of them. Look if you knew about human history you probably wouldn't be surprised. And besides, some of these violent games have a lot of thought put into the storyline. Take this one for example: it's actually rated more for the overall storyline and not actually the violence."

Come to think of it, if she knew human history I might not even be allowed to stay here - or at least allowed to roam free.

"So I take it the history of your people is filled with violence." Her voice trembles slightly, each word stumbling out of her mouth.

"Yeah. We humans have a long, rather bloody past. Not all of it is bloody, but a large portion is. Many of us don't like war, but sometimes the violence is, unfortunately, necessary.” War...war never changes. Ah, Fallout. Maybe I should have played Fallout instead. "So, uh, how long have you been up?"

"I awoke just after you had stood up. I was going to raise the sun when I heard voices coming from your...’laptop’, was it?" I nod in response. "In any case, I heard voices coming from your laptop so I decided to investigate, and then I saw that."

Her quivering voice is making me uncomfortable. May as well make her happy. “Well, since this is too violent, I guess I’ll turn it off."

"Oh no, that’s not necessary. I'm actually quite curious about it." I look at her skeptically. When she sees the Geth impale someone on a Dragon's Tooth, she'll lose her lunch, and I’ll lose my computer.

"No, I'm gonna turn it off. There’s a part coming up that you'd definitely not like." I start toward the save button, but she places a giant hoof over my controller.

"I've ruled this kingdom for more than a thousand years. I doubt there's..." As she says this, my skeptical face returns, and she receives the message quickly. She was greatly disturbed by the movie last night after all - and this game easily puts the horror in “Jurassic Park” to shame. But just as I expect her to remove her hoof and let me quit the game, she giggles. "I simply wasn't prepared for that last night; ghost stories and movies here aren't nearly as violent as that, but now that I know what to expect I'm sure I can handle it."

"You sure you’re sure?"

She takes on a determined look. Oh no, looks like she's accepted the challenge!

I smirk and turn back to my computer. When she’s settled herself onto the floor next to me, I press “continue”.

Within minutes, a metallic sliding sound is heard, accompanied by the sickeningly wet sound of flesh being rent and torn.

Celestia is staring at the screen, her hoof over her mouth. "May-maybe I wasn't as prepared as I thought I'd be." Her face has turned slightly green, and I can hear her body trying to disgorge anything that might be in her stomach. I twitch a little with each gag she makes. Her face is rather close to my own. Do none of these ponies know about personal space? I’m close to just saving and quitting.

I turn to face her and I can’t help but let out a small chuckle. She’s somewhat hunched forward now with both of her wings curled over her mouth. Her pupils have shrunk to the size of a needle’s head, but she continues to stare at a Dragon’s Tooth that has a recently impaled victim on it.

“Are you satisfied?” I ask smugly.

She shuts her eyes. "N-no, continue. I'm still intrigued by this, but I have to wonder just how you consider this entertainment." Her eyes open again and start returning to normal, and she seems to be getting control of herself again.

"Alright, but just so you know it's only going to get worse." Her pupils shrink once again.

"Y-you mean that the impalement isn’t the worst of it?!" She looks at me in near shock, wondering how exactly it could get worse. I am actually impressed that Celestia has made it this far. I mean, in the show they'd mentioned war and they've gotten into some combat scenarios but none of it was anywhere near as bad as this.

I shrug and look at her blankly. "Not even close. You sure you want to continue watching? I'm fine with turning it off. As much as I'd like to continue playing, I realize that you can't handle this much violence." She seems to consider my offer, but as I say the last part of that sentence her face shifts to that determined look again. Pony “challenge accepted” face.

I'm doomed. She's going to confiscate all of my gaming supplies and my depression will be left unchecked.

“No,” she commands. “You may continue.”

Half an hour later, I save after Shepard awakens on the Normandy. Celestia decides that now is as good a time as any to raise the sun. I try to work it out in my head. If the sun is rising now, then it’s probably about five o’clock back home. Then I woke up at what was likely about four o’clock Earth time. Maybe.

Shortly after the Celestia raises the sun, the rest of the group wakes up and gets ready for the day. We go to Twilight’s kitchen for breakfast: pancakes and eggs. I watch carefully as the pancakes are made, making sure no inedible oddity is added. I’m very hungry after all; it’s been I don't know how long since I’ve eaten, and I don’t want any digestion issues to arise because there was hay in my pancakes. As we sit around the table eating, I start to feel like someone is missing. But then I look over at Pinkie Pie.

"HOLY CRAP!!" I stare wide-eyed as she engulfs four stacks of pancakes in one go. These stacks are taller than me. She just swallowed the weight and height of probably me and an entire pony in pancakes. Of course, though, her meal has almost no effect on her appearance. All that happens after she swallows the pancakes is a quick inflation of her body to almost three times her size, then a return to normal.

Note to self: never trip into a large cake. You will never be found. The others just shrug it off. I’m sure it’s normal for them, but I can’t stop staring wide-eyed.

"Time for seconds!" Pinkie skips back to the stove to make another batch of pancakes. Seconds. I don't even know what happened to her firsts; they were there and then they were gone. Almost seconds later she returns to the table with even larger stacks of pancakes, and they vanished all the same.

"Pinkie Pie, I don't mean to be rude or anything but...where do you put it all?"

Pinkie Pie puts a hoof under her chin and appears to ponder. With a glance at Twilight I see that she, along with all the others, has stopped eating to focus, as if they were about to hear the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Pinkie’s pondering comes to an end with a shrug. She then bounces excitedly in place, giggling. "I've always wanted to find out though. Wanna help?" She bounces up to me and then places her front legs on my knees, staring me in the face while simultaneously sending a flashlight out of her mane, and into the grasp of that front lock of hair.

Immediately I grab her muzzle to keep it closed. "No thanks. That's better left to your doctor." I let go after she gives me a nod.

"I would but he vanished one day." Her face turned from her normal extremely cheery face to a somewhat serious, slightly worried face. "I asked everypony in town, but they don't know where he went."

For a half a moment I swear I hear muffled yelling.

After seeing Pinkie Pie's method of eating first-hand, breakfast ends quickly for me. I am too disturbed by the physical absurdities of this pony to have any appetite. Especially now that she’s having her fifth helping, and still as skinny as usual. She's like a freaking TARDIS!

Making my way back to the main room of the library I find myself in the company of Rarity. My shoulders fall. All last night she was bothering me about my clothes. I ignore her gaze and go to the corner I’ve basically decided to claim as my own and sit down. She trots over and quietly inspects me, however, looking at my clothes at an uncomfortably close distance. "Does anyone here understand personal space, or am I the only one?"

At that she jumps and blushes, retreating a bit further away. "Oh my. Excuse me darling, I just got caught up looking at those odd but fashionable symbols on your clothing. They look simply amazing." She’s fawning over the Mass Effect icons, but I notice her modest aversion to my clothes in general. Finally she comes clean. "Though I must admit, the rest of your ensemble needs quite the touch up. Those pants are hideous." Maybe a little too clean...

"They're cargo pants. I wear them because they're comfy and can fit a lot in their pockets."

"Oh, but I could make them look so much better,” she exclaims. “You could really stand out and, even better, you'd be the talk of fashion everywhere!"

"No thanks."

"What?!"

"As I said, I wear clothes because they're comfortable. Not to make some fashion statement."

“Well I could still take your measurements and make some new clothes for you,” she says desperately. “It may just give me some new inspiration."

I roll my eyes, but so that she can’t see. "Uh, kinda short on finances at the moment, and I doubt you'd accept the little bit of money I have anyway."

"Nonsense, darling! The inspiration this task will provide me with will be payment enough. We'll just have to get you to the boutique first."

"That will have to come after Twilight presents him to Ponyville.” Celestia’s interruption came as a relief, but after I hear the end of it, I’m even more anxious. “Luna and I would, but we must return to Canterlot for our duties - though I must admit this short break was welcome. Goodbye and good luck, Jacob." She smiles at me, then exits the room.

"Do not worry,” Luna says to me. “As was said before, Celestia and I will continue to search for a possible way for you to return home. We will also assign others to search the library at the Crystal Empire, and I’m sure Princess Twilight will be working hard to help you as well.” The two princesses smile at each other. “With luck we shall find something." Luna then leaves too.

"Well this should be nice and awkward."

Twilight turns to me, confused. “What makes you say that?"

"Just a hunch, Twilight. Just a hunch."

It doesn’t take long to prove that my hunch was accurate. Once everypony’s ready, they decide to take me on a tour of Ponyville. Immediately as we head out of the library, I notice that as the residents see me, their eyes nearly pop out of their heads and they become pretty eager to shut themselves in their houses. The only thing that seems to be keeping them from panicking is my entourage. But I can't say I blame them for being nervous around some new tall, gangly creature. We keep wandering, Pinkie Pie bouncing around and pointing out all the fascinating aspects of town - like that pebble. And that blade of grass.

We’re making our way to the town square, so I can be introduced to Mayor Mare.

"So, is Mayor Mare her full name, or is her name just Mare, and the Mayor part is just a title?"

"You know, after all this time, I've never actually thought about that." Twilight looks up, pondering. The others do so as well. It seems nopony thought of that before.

I close my eyes and try to crack my neck when I smash into something. The dirt road that I land on hurts plenty, and the weight of the object crashes down onto my sternum, knocking me onto my back. I look up angrily for whatever hit me, but when I figure it out, all the pain I’m feeling goes into my head.

On top of me is a blonde Pegasus with a grey body lying on my chest, her head swaying back and forth, eyes rolling in her head. I have to look away - her dizziness is making me dizzy. Then I feel as she shakes her head, and almost hear her brain rattling. I look back at her to notice that her eyes had settled in an odd cross-eyed look. My eyebrows fall over my own eyes. "Excuse me. But could you, you know, get off?"

"Oops, sor-" She pauses mid sentence and tilts her head quizzically. "Whoa!" She jumps off, and backs away a bit.

I take that moment to sit up at least, rubbing the back of my head from where it collided with the ground.

She still looks confused, but then she tries to look apologetic. "Uhm, I'm sorry for crashing into you." She gives me this cheesy little smile that I swear makes her cheeks squeak.

"Don't worry about it. I just hope this doesn't become some regular thing with the rest of the town." I could end up in the hospital...again.

As I stand up however, the Pegasus moves a little behind Twilight and the gang.

"Derpy, don't be scared of him; he's not so tough. He's kinda cool actually.” Wow. Thanks, Rainbow Dash. Sure means a lot.

"Whoa, cool dude! Hey, RD what's that thing you're walkin' with?!"

'Thing’. That's new. I look toward the new voice's source and see a white Unicorn mare with electric blue hair and metallic purple shades. She was sitting at a turn table and had a large smile on her face.

Rainbow flies over and hoof bumps the Unicorn. "Yo Vinyl. This is Jacob. He's something called a hue-man. He's gonna be hangin' out here for a while."

"Sweeet."

Twilight decides to break in at that moment, pushing Derpy out from under her legs, where she had hidden herself, unconvinced by Dash’s claims. "Yes, and we need to get to the Mayor's office. We need to introduce him to the rest of Ponyville."

“Okay then! Hey RD, catch ya later dude!" She scratched at her discs and waved goodbye, while Derpy stood by, dizzily watching us go.

We head on toward the Mayor’s office. I hope this goes better than the reactions I’ve seen so far.

As soon as I enter the office, I know it'll be somewhat awkward. Even though Twilight entered first, explaining the situation, once she saw me, Mayor Mare simply stared with disbelief and an open mouth at my presence. If I made a bet on the reactions of the towns folk, I'd be rich. As I sit there, letting the others talk, the Mayor keeps adjusting her glasses, probably hoping that I'm just some kind of hallucination due to them. I feel just as uncomfortable as you, ma’am, but we're stuck here. Accept it. She squints at me a little, then removes her glasses completely and starts cleaning them on her tie. I roll my eyes. "Your glasses work fine. I'm not going to be disappearing anytime soon. Unfortunately."

"Oh,” she says as she laughs nervously. “Sorry about that." She finally takes her eyes off of me. "Princess Twilight, I'm just not sure how well this will go. Are you certain this is the best way to deal with the situation?"

"As long as we stay with him for the first few days, I'm sure everypony will get used to him."

"Okay, as long as you're sure," the Mayor says, hesitantly, but assenting.

"Of course I'm sure. We’ve handled tons of crazy situations. This will be easy in comparison. What could possibly go wrong?"

I can’t help myself, and I spit out, "Famous last words!"

Twilight simply looks at me, shaking her head.

When we’re all outside again, Twilight says "How about to start, we head to the train station? The train from Canterlot should be pulling in soon, and we need to pick up Spike." Oh, that’s it. That’s who we’ve been missing.

"So, who is Spike exactly?” Of course I know who he is. I just want to hear her say the phrase.

"Spike is a young dragon, and my number one assistant!”

As we continue on, we pass by more ponies, who stare at me with intrigued but fearful eyes. Then our path is crossed by a light brown stallion with a dark brown mane and an image of an hourglass on his hindquarters. Somehow he's supposed to resemble The Doctor, but I don't see it. His eyes were closed until he passed our group, and that's when he stops. His eyes open, showing his confusion. He hears me walking, hears that I don’t have hooves. Looking in our direction, he sees first the group, but then me as well. His eyes widen, while his pupils reduce in size. Then Fluttershy smiles at him, and he seems to relax. He falls into a trot beside her.

"Uhm,” he whispers, though I can still hear him. “Wh-what exactly is that thing?" Really? Again with calling me a ‘thing’?

"He's a human,” Fluttershy whispers back. “He's going to be staying in Ponyville for a while." At the moment the word ‘human’ was mentioned I feel suddenly like someone is watching me. Of course, almost everyone on the street is watching me, but this feels more like a intense stare. I glance around and catch an aquamarine Unicorn staring at me from behind a nearby bush. As soon as we make eye contact, though, she vanishes into the leaves.

I look forward again, and try to ignore that.

Dr. Whooves, apparently satisfied, continues on his way, though at a much faster pace than before. The rest of the way to the train station was full of more stares. It was actually rather unnerving, all these odd-looking Technicolor creatures just staring at me as if I’m the freak. I just had to end up here, didn't I?

Finally we make it to the train station, and just in time for me to catch more stares from everypony getting off the train. ‘Everypony’. That word is just so easy to adapt to your vocabulary, yet I feel myself wince each time I think it. Most of the ponies trying to dismount the train stop dead in their tracks, slowing progress. However, others decide they're better off hightailing it out of here, so it isn’t too long before a certain young dragon steps off the train.

Twilight and the group gallop over to greet him, while I decide to sit down on a nearby bench. I hope that meeting Spike isn’t as annoying as meeting Mayor Mare, though I know the “Number One Assistant” already has some points counted against him.

"Okay Spike, I know he looks different but don't be scared. Just go introduce yourself." Looking over I see Twilight trying to encourage an obviously nervous and very scared Spike.

What's he nervous about? He's the one with the fire breath.

Spike gathers his courage and approaches me, his little claws curled into determined fists, though he’s still clearly nervous. He waddles over to my bench and says, "H-Hi, I'm Spike." How is he a dragon? He has no wings and yet he's clearly meant to be a European Dragon.

"Hello Spike. I'm Jacob." He seems to loosen up just by hearing my tone.

We then continue the tour of the town. This time, Twilight takes over leading it and is sure to take the time to point out the different shops and such. Each pony also shows me around their homes. Though Rainbow offered to fly me up, I happily observed her house from the ground. The final stop on the way back to Twilight's library was the Carousel Boutique, where Rarity forcibly took my measurements. Finally heading toward the library, I notice something very off about the surrounding area, and the size of our current group.

"Uhm, where'd Pinkie Pie go? More importantly, why is the town devoid of life?"

Author's Note

Comments, questions, and concerns accepted.

Chapter 4: The Difference is as Plain as Day....

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 4

The Difference is as Plain as Day...

Ponyville around us is now totally devoid of its citizens. To make this complete, a tumbleweed even drifts by. I can hear the wind whistling through the streets. The only ones left it seems are Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Spike, myself, and that aquamarine Unicorn that I saw on the way to the train station. She stood where I last saw Pinkie, making Fluttershy seem like an extrovert. None of these ponies were confused, though.

After a quick look around, Twilight just gives me a small smile, which leads to an odd squeak, and she finally lets out a nervous chuckle. Why am I the only one confused by the town’s sudden disappearance? I turn to the new arrival and say, "Uhm, hello there."

She squeals and ducks behind Applejack, peering up at me from behind her.

"Okay then. Twilight, care to explain to me what's going on?"

She’s still grinning at me, with wide darting eyes. “How about we go into the library? I'll explain everything in there!" She starts heading to the door, letting out another nervous laugh. I raise one of my eyebrows. She opened the door revealing a pitch black room.

Oh, this isn't happening. Twilight motioned with one foreleg for me to enter. No no no.

I reluctantly walk through the door, and all Tartarus breaks loose.

The lights blaze, revealing the entire town and Pinkie Pie, none of them as nervous as earlier. Balloons, streamers, and confetti burst out of every corner. In the center of the room was a large banner, the text on which everypony shouts.

"Welcome to Ponyville!!" How did I not see this coming? Curse you, hindsight.

Pinkie Pie comes bouncing up, her face brimming with excitement. She stops right in front of me, still bouncing. How does she do this?

"So how do you like the party? I've been planning it since Chapter Two!"

I roll my eyes. "It's really great Pinkie- Whoa, wait. What do you mean by Chapter Two?"

She shrugs. "Oh, you know!" Her face falls blank for a half a moment, before returning to its original glee. "Come on, I've got to introduce you to everypony!" She starts pulling me around the room with strength that’s impossible to fight, and she points and names all the ponies in the room.

It takes an entire hour to introduce me to everyone. Being pulled around the room combined with her rapid-fire speech takes its toll. Just how does she keep going? She's like the pony version of the Energizer bunny! Which I just realized is pink, and carries a bass drum.

None of the ponies she introduced me to, including the ones that had seen me before and reacted with a nervous curiosity and fear, had any signs of that anxiety. In fact, some were quite the opposite, smiling widely, saying gleeful “hello”s, and even giving me a hand/hoof shake. Only in Ponyville. When in doubt, throw a party.

As the party goes on into the night, ponies eventually start filing out. However, it felt like it was never going to end. Vinyl Scratch was in one corner of the room, blasting music on her turntable. There was also a dance floor in that area, where ponies were getting down. In the other corner there were tables of snacks and drinks.

It was probably another good two or three hours before the last ponies were leaving. The mane six and Spike remained, but the last two ponies were just leaving. It was the aquamarine one and a tan earth pony with a purple and pink mane. What were their names again? Oh right, Lyra and Bonbon. When Pinkie introduced me to Lyra, the Unicorn hid behind her mane and peeked out at me. Bonbon nudged her shoulder, and smiled at me awkwardly when Lyra refused to stop hiding.

She just looks at me with the same strange interest as she leaves, and Bonbon just shakes her head at her shy friend.

The clean-up doesn't take long; between magic and Pinkie’s inexhaustible energy, it’s done in about five minutes. After that, we call it a night, and everypony leaves, worn out from the crazy party.

Meanwhile, in the real world:

"Another chapter down." I scroll up, and am just about to click the save button when I notice a speck of pink on the screen, slowly getting larger. "What the heck?"

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie fills the screen. "Hey, why does walking around the town get almost five thousand words and my party only gets a little over a thousand?!"

I fall back in my chair with a yelp. She crosses her forelegs and stares at me.

"Why, huh? WHY?!"

"Uh, how about I just make it up to you when I get to the Cheese Sandwich episode? I'll go off on things that may have happened during RD's party. How's that sound?"

"YAY!"

Author's Note

Yay, fourth wall!

Once again comments, questions, concerns, odd ball thoughts.

As usual looking for an artist or group of artists. More info on my blog post.

Chapter 5: .... And Night

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 5

....And Night

Now that it’s just me, Spike, and Twilight, things calm down quite a bit. I walk down to Twilight's basement to grab my stuff, which I stashed there during the party.

"Well, since I'm stuck here, and you offered, I guess I should take this time to set up whatever quarters you decide I should stay in." Hopefully I'm not bunking in your room.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Uhm, follow me." Her horn lights up with her bright purple aura and an extra bed in the corner is illuminated and raised. She trots back up the basement stairs with it floating behind her. I cross my fingers, but she still opens the door to her room and heads in. Crap.

"You're not having me stay in your room, are you?"

"Yeah, why not?" She carefully sets the bed onto the floor and turns to me. She has confusion on her face, accompanied by a slight annoyance. I saw this coming; she's not exactly knowledgeable about things like social protocol. Though I suppose it could be different here, somehow I doubt that.

"Because I'd kind of like some privacy." Even if I got that though, I'd still probably change in the bathroom. No need to get caught changing by a pony - that'd be a new low.

"Oh." She blushes for a moment, realizing what I mean. But then she stares off in thought. After a moment she looks down, sighs, and turns back to me with an apologetic look. "Sorry, but I really don't have room anywhere else." Crap baskets. I cringe when I realize that this means I'm going to miss a lot of DBZ Abridged.

"Fine then, I suppose I can deal with it. I'd still feel better if we each had our privacy, though." She moves the bed across from her own. Then she leaves to retrieve extra sheets and another pillow. As long as she doesn't think of this as one big slumber party. Why must I be living some brony's odd fantasy? WHY?

Twilight returns with some plain white bed sheets and a violet quilt. Ah, purple: the theme of the place. She sets the blankets down own bed and starts unfolding each one and tucking it over the mattress.

“I can do that myself, Twilight,” I sigh, defeated.

“Oh, I was just being a good host." She starts clapping excitedly. “Isn’t this exciting? It’ll be like having a slumber party every night!" There it is.

"How about this instead: I'm your first roommate." I then look at Spike, who’s actually already fast asleep in his basket. "Or maybe second."

"Second roommate?” Twilight looks at me and sees what I mean. “Oh, Spike’s actually more like my little brother than a roommate." She glances up, lost in thought again. She rushes back through her door, stopping to pop her head back into the room. "I'll be right back.” As she skips down the stairs, I can hear her ask herself, “Do I have a roommate guide?" I facepalm. Here we go.

I walk over to my bed and stoop to untie my shoes. Too bad I don't have my pajamas; it’ll be uncomfortable sleeping in my clothes. But I’m sure not taking them off if I’m sharing a room with Twilight. I do take off my socks and shoes, however. I place the socks inside the shoes and slide them under the bed, then move to the other side, where there happens to be a small desk with a lamp on it. I follow the lamp's cord to the outlet. Thank you, whoever invented the power strip. I retrieve mine from my laptop bag and plug it into the outlet, then plug in the chargers for all my devices. I'm still just glad that I had randomly decided to take all this with me - or was it random? Did I see this coming without realizing it?

After plugging it all in, I decide to turn on my laptop and take a moment to unwind with an old anime. I turn the volume down so as not to wake Spike, and then go into my folders and open up the one labeled “The Big O”. Nothing like the classics. I double-click on the first episode and pause it to set it to fullscreen. Then I press play. I sense awkward moments in my future. Then again, I’ve been sensing that since I got here.

A mass of yellow-orange lava appears and starts to roil and form a face as a piece of classical music is played. "Cast in the name of God ye not guilty." I love this show! It cuts to a shiny black car driving down a road in a dreary looking city, while in the background a 1920s-30s jazz theme plays. "My name is Roger Smith. I perform a much needed job here in the city of amnesia." Steve Blum, this is probably one of your best roles, besides Tom or Grunt. The music continues as he heads to an old warehouse and parks the car.

"What's this one?" I jump slightly, and look behind me to see Twilight sitting on the bed, looking over my shoulder, a book floating nearby. Seriously, they have hooves. How are they this stealthy? She continues to watch, clearly curious as to what is occurring.

"This is an old show I used to watch called ‘The Big O’." I pause it. "So, you found a book on roommates I see." It'd be hilarious if it were titled “Roommates for Dummies”.

"Yup, it's called ‘Roommates 101’." Too bad. She offers me the book and I accept it. I flip to the table of contents and look through the chapter headings.

Chapter 12: Romance. I cock my eyebrow. Seriously? I look to her with an expression that screamed 'I am not amused'. "Skip that one."

"Which one?" I point to the chapter heading, shaking my head. I know they probably have some knowledge of those things, but this is NOT going to happen. Or do they have more knowledge of it than I think? Oh crap, I forgot about the episode where Pound and Pumpkin Cake are born. I scoot a little farther away from Twilight.

"Oh, don't worry about that, I'm definitely not going to follow this one to the letter." Right, five bucks says you will. I've seen the show, I know it's only a matter of time before your OCD kicks in. That's when I run fast, and far.

"Well, how about we forget about the book, and I just let this play?" The episode goes its course, ending with the familiar 'to be continued'.

"Ooh there's more, can we watch more?"

"Sure, why not?" I set up the next episode and let it roll. I figured that she'd got used to death at least a little bit, since she didn't seem too freaked out about the part in the last episode with Wainwright, and then of course there was the bit of violence just afterward. But then she saw the older man claiming to be Dorothy's grandfather get shot and killed.

"How could someone just do something like that, with no second thoughts?!" She almost looked like she was crying.

"Don't worry, Twilight, this isn't real. It's just a T.V. show. Besides they'll get what’s coming to them." I keep my eyes on the screen so she can't see me cringe.

Episode two comes to its end and Twilight calms down a bit, glad that Beck and his men were arrested. Then I notice another file in my videos folder. I wonder how she'd react to my little bro's school video. "Hey Twilight, want to see my little brother and his friend? My brother shot a short film he called ‘Drake and Re's epic adventure’ in high school for a class. I'm even in it."

"Ooh, really?" Her face has an eager look to it. Hook, line, and sinker.

"Okay, rolling the film." I double-click the video and let it play.

"Agh, really?!" She sees the film’s introduction shot, where my brother and his friend look like they’re going to have a sword clash, but then my bro pulls a gun and just shoots him. Yeah, really. "So which one is your little brother?”

"The one who drew the gun. His friend is the one who dropped to the ground. That person there is his teacher. Oh, and there I am: the world's worst film pickpocket." The video keeps going, and Twilight screams when the person in the skull jacket shoots himself just as the scene cuts. "Don't worry, the guy's still alive. By the way, Spike is probably the heaviest sleeper I've ever seen, or is it just that he's got earplugs?"

Twilight just lets out a deep exhale and flies over to her bed. "Well, I think that's enough of that for today. Good night." As she gets under her covers and goes to sleep, I shut down my laptop and decide to do the same. Good thing I'm kind of used to sleeping in the same room as a stranger.

"Good night, then." I tuck myself in under my own covers and try to fall asleep.

Author's Note

For any who want to see what I've shown the ponies, here are links to the Youtube videos:
Zoids: New Century Zero - episode 1

The Big O: Episode 1 part 1

The Big O: Episode 1 part 2

The Big O: Episode 2 part 1

The Big O: Episode 2 part 2

Ha, can't find out who I am anymore, my younger brother deleted that google account so the video is no longer up.

As usual all questions, comments, concerns, feedback, etcetera are welcome, heck wanted.

Chapter 6: An Odd Dream

Sarcasm and Pessimism

Chapter 6

An Odd Dream

"Why subconscious, just why?" I find myself on the main floor of Twilight's library, but there’s one itty-bitty problem. I'm only about a couple inches tall. "Okay, this is obviously a dream. Worse, it's one of those dreams. Just grand." I start to wander through the newly towering and actually oddly accurate depiction of the library. As I ponder at this, I walk over to one of the tables and flick the nearest leg. That's when I discover another problem with the dream.

"Oh great, not only can I control my actions in this dream - thank goodness for that - but it's one of those dreams where you'd almost swear it's real because you can feel along with sight and sound. Brain you are evil. I hate you." I continue my minute tour of the first floor, and finally find evidence that this is in fact a dream, which is assurance that I was beginning to really need.

Unlike most of the library, which is well-defined and accurate to a T, the undersides of the bookcases are rather undefined. I’m able to see underneath about an inch or two before a thick grey fog blocks my view. Another assurance was that, besides the few books I had seen, the other books in the library were replaced with books from my world, such as Eragon or Webster's Dictionary or Garfield comics.

"Welp, time to end this dream and try for a different one." I slam my fist into a wall, only to receive the pain I'd expect from punching wood, with no end to the dream. "Oh crap, it’s one of those dreams, too!” I decide to make myself scarce before the dream can get any worse. I take off at a sprint, heading to the safety underneath a bookcase, only to find that the thick fog also acted as a barrier. "Video Game physics! No! Why am I not able to have an inner monologue?!” I take a deep breath. “Okay, calm down. Yelling like crazy will only attract unwanted attention. Time to find somewhere else to hide."

Turning away from the fog, I’m immediately greeted by two extremely large purple eyes, staring down at me with extreme curiosity. I press myself against the fog barrier as much as possible, but to no avail. The aura of her purple magic surrounds me and levitates me out to eye level.

"Hmm, what is this thing?" After she calls me that, she turns and starts walking - just a casual movement for her, but to me it’s worse than anything a rollercoaster could attempt to pull off. My ride ends with me being put on the floor, and Twilight sitting down. Looking around I notice we aren't alone. It seems to be part two of last night’s slumber party, now featuring a tiny human.

"Hey everypony, look what I just found by one of the bookcases!”

"Oh what is it?! Does it like cookies?! No wait, do you think it likes cake?!?!" No, no! Keep the cake away from me! The cake is a lie!

"I ain’t never seen a bug like that before."

"Icky! Keep it away from me!"

"It would be about 20% cooler if it could fly."

"Ahh, look at the precious little thing. Hello, there."

Brain, you've gone from evil to absolutely diabolical.

As I watch the gargantuan ponies all start talking about "this tiny new creature", Luna's horn lights up and I’m grasped by her aura. Oh, not this again! She gently sets me down on her muzzle, the aura around me dissipating, though her horn is still lit up. The color in my face drains faster than water in a kitchen sink. I'm doomed.

Then the rest of the dream vanishes, changing to a different landscape entirely. This one I haven't seen before; it’s a room with large stone walls, crescent moon banners, a desk with some quills and ink, some packed bookcases, a lit fireplace, and lastly a large bed on which Luna is positioned.

Oh, this can't be good. This dream's going into its final stage, isn't it? Sweat starts to bead up on my forehead. I keep my focus on Luna, quivering in fear at what might be going through my subconscious, particularly since this dream had decided to go on the full five sense tour. Luna's huge eyes gaze at my tiny dream form. Seriously, can't I be dreaming about Mass Effect, Gundam Wing, or something that isn't this? As her gaze continues I decide to just sit down. Whatever’s going to happen will take a while, from the looks of it. As I sit, she keeps her curious look.

Luna clears her throat, which startles me especially since I’m still on top of her muzzle. Oh no! Is it about to start? She lets out a giggle that shakes me slightly.

"Well, little Jacob, you really don't have to worry anymore. Your dream is over." As she speaks I brace myself against the earthquake of her moving mouth.

"Why don't I have to worry anymore exactly? The only real change is the amount of ponies and the scenery. Otherwise, this is still a dream - one that I'm still worried may continue to get worse in these circumstances."

"You don't have to worry any longer because you are no longer actually in your dream. I have brought you to mine. I, being the Princess of the Night look after all of my subjects during their dreams, just as Celestia looks after them while they’re awake."

"Then why am I still tiny?!" She only stares at me, strangely. Then I realize that she’s got a smug look on her face. I roll my eyes and stare back at her. "This is revenge for ‘Jurassic Park’, isn't it?"

Her eyes close completely and her head tilts a little further toward the ceiling, causing me to clutch onto her fur. She hums a prideful affirmative. Afterward, she repositions so I don't need to hold on to her. I look off to the side and twiddle my thumbs. "So, you know about my, uh-" She interrupts with another hum of affirmation. "Do you know about the other-" She hums again. "Two things. Firstly, thank you for preventing this dream from being like my others. I really didn’t want to involve any ponies in any of that.” I can see Luna’s cheeks blush. “Secondly, how did you find out about my other dreams?"

She relaxes and giggles again. “I wouldn't thank me yet, Jacob. My vengeance still has not been fully exacted!” Oh, well isn’t that nice. “But as for your question, in order to aid with a pony’s nightmare, I have to see why they are having it. This often means that I have to look through their memories. These...feelings of yours were actually difficult to find the root of. Your mind is so different from those of my subjects that it was much harder to get in, let alone glean that information. But don't worry, I only obtained the information I needed. Your memories are still private."

"So, if my mind was 'blocking you' then how are we-"

"I'm not exactly sure, maybe your subconscious was able to discern my entering your dream as an attempt to aid and allowed me through. Just so you know, I will be entering your dreams as often as I can partially to keep in touch and partially to get used to the subtle differences between your mind and a pony's."

I let out an exasperated breath. "I thought you were respecting the privacy of my memories.” She just shrugs. “Great, so I can look forward to similar visits then?" My eyes were half-lidded in annoyance.

"Don't worry, I promise you won't be in this position every time."

I groan. Our conversation continues on for a while before she leaves to see to other dreams. She allows me to go into a much more peaceful dream until the morning, but only after gaining the rest of her vengeance, much to my dismay.

"I never want to see that again..."

Author's Note

One more day, then my character will start going through the episodes of season 4, episode 3+ as I said, with some chapters actually being an alternative to the episode as I won't be involved in all of them, or some episodes just being mentioned.

Okay people, please, I'd like to find an artist, can any of you help me in this endeavor, whether it be that you are an artist or know an artist?
Thank you.

Chapter 7: Discoveries Both Malignant and Benign

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 7

Discoveries Both Malignant and Benign

Stupid habits. Why do I always wake up early, even if I want to sleep in? I open my eyes to be greeted by a dark room. My body says it's around six o’clock. It’s an evil thing, not allowing me to sleep. I get up, grab my laptop, and head out once again to the spot that I've basically claimed on the main floor.

With a yawn and a stretch, I set my laptop on the table and sit down. Flipping it open and turning it on I wait for my desktop to load, and as soon as it’s finished I decide it’s time to wake my brain up with a little bit of strategy. So with a quick double-click on Age of Empires 2: The Conquerors, away I go. About fifteen minutes into the game I notice the sunrise, and only a few minutes after that I hear the telltale clip-clop of Twilight getting up. Finally, I'm able to know what's going on both in-game and in real life. Well, real life, relatively speaking. Though, I don't mind if she sees this game; at least it's not like yesterday with Mass Effect. Sure enough, between the music and the sounds of the game, I find Twilight peering over my shoulder quite quickly.

"Ooh, what's this one?"

"This is called Age of Empires; it's a strategy game about controlling, well, an Empire. You’re given resources to conquer the opposing empires but you also have to defend the allied empires. It's all based on the medieval ages of my world." I’m playing on the map 'Arena' as the Chinese, because the Chu-Ko-Nu are awesome. Deal with it. At the moment, I’m at the village, constructing more buildings and getting more villagers to gather resources, but then comes the minor mistake of going back to my scout and giving him a new area to explore.

"Wow, this is amazing. Hey, what is that pony doing there?" She gestures to a cavalry unit, her face confused and clearly not pleased.

"It's not a pony, that's a horse. We have horses in my world, along with ponies, but they aren't...uhm, how should I explain this? Well, where I'm from humans are the only sapient species on the planet." She seems okay with that explanation, but looks at me like she has more questions. "You aren't taking this quite as badly as I thought, given your being a pony."

Her expression goes from questioning to stern. "Actually, no, I don't like that your species has done that to horses and ponies, but-" She suddenly becomes very excited. "I never thought I'd be able to learn about these game things and your history at the same time! Hold on, I need to go get some parchment, some ink, and a quill!" With that, she zips off. If she thinks this is good, maybe I should introduce her to Civilization IV. Wait, bad idea. I wouldn't get my PC back until she finished copying every word down. That would take forever.

So I keep going, creating additional units, exploring, and expanding the reaches of my empire. She gets back and immediately there are more questions. "What does that one do? What are the weapons they are using? What materials are the buildings constructed with?"

After a few more questions, I can't take it anymore.

"Here, how about instead of asking me about this stuff, I let you find out from the section meant just for that in the game." I resign from that game and go to the history section of the game. Twilight is more than thrilled, though she looks at me sheepishly, embarrassed that she had caused me some minor irritation. I let her know that it’s okay, and tell her to go ahead and explore the history that Ensemble had gathered and summarized.

I take to looking at some of the library’s books as Twilight goes into study mode looking at the AoE history section. Having to read pony books instead of playing games...this is not helping my depression! I don't find anything really interesting to me at the moment, though I do manage to find the book that Twilight read in the first episode, but I skip over it. I walk back over to my spot. Twilight’s still sitting there, eyes locked on the screen. Every so often the mouse moves to scroll the page or change the topic. I circle behind her and look at the topic she's just moved to. Cavalry; oh, this can only end so well.

As she reads, Twilight raises her hind leg and starts to scratch her ear. Doing that, she reminds me of my dog back at home, and before I know what’s going on I’m already scratching the back of her head.

"Hey, what are you...oh my…” She sighs, stretching out her ears and curling her neck under my fingers. “That feels so good." She lets out a shiver of delight.

Wait, what am I doing?! Immediately I pull my hand away. As soon as I do, though, Twilight looks up at me, her lip pouted and her eyes screaming for more.

Oh no! What have I done?!

Chapter 8: Yet More Issues

Pessimism and Sarcams

Chapter 8

Yet More Issues

"Twilight, please don't tell anyone else about that! I didn't mean to do that, you just reminded me of my dog, and well - just don't tell anyone please!"

"So, you think of me like some animal!" Twilight switches from wanting more scratching to simply angry, and I can't blame her.

"No, I didn't mean to say it like that. I don't only scratch my dog!” I have no idea what I’m saying. “Sometimes I scratch my mom’s back when she's feeling down or whatever. Look, I'm sorry, but the way you scratched yourself just reminded me of my dog. I wasn’t comparing you two."

She smiles and I relax. "I get what you mean, don't worry. I forgive you." She then gives me a mischievous grin and winks. "About not telling anypony though, I don't know if I can keep that a secret.” A giggle slips from her muzzle and she continues, “I mean, that felt really good - much better than it does with hooves - and I'm certain my friends would love to know about it." Blackmail is illegal, you know.

"You wouldn't."

She winks again. "Or would I?” Then she gasps, her pupils quickly shrinking, then growing again. “You should talk to Aloe and Lotus. I bet they'd give you a job if you gave them a scratch behind the ears too! You'd definitely increase the number of visitors to the Ponyville spa!"

"No way! I am not going to be massaging ponies!"

She huffs in frustration. "Ooh, why not?"

I shudder while I explain. "Well I don't want a job which can basically be described as being paid to feel up ponies."

"’Feel up’?" Her face is confused again as she contemplates just what the phrase could mean.

"Never mind. But a job does sound like a good idea. Know of any places currently looking to hire a human?"

After prying Twilight away from my laptop, we spend the afternoon job-hunting through Ponyville.

"Really, I said I didn't want to get a job at the spa.” As it turns out, a massage pony is not just one of the only available jobs around here, but the employers are also the only ponies willing to hire me. I let out a groan as Twilight and I leave the spa. At least the hiring process was simple: walk in, talk for a moment, give a demonstration, hired. They also gave me a very flexible schedule. But still, did it have to be there?

"I think they were especially willing to hire you after you scratched just under their withers. I loved that part too. How did you know that they would like that?"

"My dog really likes being scratched just under her shoulder blades, too."

"So all your experience is based off your dog?"

"Pretty much. She also likes it when someone scratches her back above where her tail starts, and she loves belly rubs. However, I will avoid those as much as possible."

"Why?" She looks so disappointed.

"Based on my dog’s reaction to the back scratch, I'd half expect to receive marriage proposals. The belly rubs on the other hand will expose me to certain things I just don't want to see." We get back to her library and go inside.

Twilight rolls her eyes, turning to me. "I doubt it feels that good. I wouldn't ask you to marry me just over a scratch."

"Well, I’m glad you feel that way, because I'm not going to demonstrate."

"Oh, come on, please."

"No."

"I promise I won't react like you said."

"No."

"What if I promised not to peek over your shoulder as you use your laptop tonight or tomorrow?"

"Make it a Pinkie promise and you have yourself a deal."

"Okay..." With a sigh, she recites the mantra and performs the ritualistic actions.

"Alright, the deal has been sealed. You ready then?" I ask, cracking my knuckles.

She twitches at the sound, then giggles and says, "Ready."

I come around to her side and put my hand on top of her flank, just above her tail and started to scratch - just like I’d do to my dog. As soon as I start, Twilight’s eyes widen. She gasps out an “Oh my!" Almost as soon as I start, I stop, and when I do she looks at me with one of the saddest faces I've ever seen.

"More, please."

Author's Note

I'm going to be doing a Q/A chapter in this story soon, please see my blog entry for details.

I've been having more and more writers block lately, that's why I've been posting less often. It also doesn't help that I try to write this while watching my favorite old animes.

I'm going to be starting a new story up, on the planet Zi of the Zoids universe, eventually. So comments, questions, concerns, any Zoids you may want to see, yada yada. Please don't keep quiet, tell me what's going on.

Chapter 9: An Afternoon of Puzzlemint

Author's Note

It feels to me that the Author's notes I make are being ignored, so from now on, they'll be at the top.

In no way is this a depiction of the way Josh Scorcher acts in public as I have no idea. This is just more or less a depiction of how, at least in my view, most of my attempts to converse with him on Steam go.

As I said before I'm going to be doing a Q/A chapter, and eventually start working on a Zoids: NCZ crossover. For more details on either look to the blog posts.

After the chapter feel free to comment, actually please comment, I need feedback on how I'm doing. Also, if anyone wishes to do some form of spin-off, or different POV of the story, please contact me before doing so, just on the slight chance that someone feels like doing that.

Chapter 9: An Afternoon of Puzzlemint

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 9

An Afternoon of Puzzlemint

I make my way around the town, acclimating myself to my new home. The weather, being controlled by Pegasi, is too perfect. There’s not a single grey cloud in the sky to brighten my mood. I decided to take this moment to get away from Twilight after the second scratching incident, to let her clear her head. The town however seems to still be as unnerved by my presence as I am about being here. The ponies around the town practically go out of there way to avoid me. My ninja skills don't mean anything here, I stick out like a sore thumb. I can't disappear in crowds of ponies.

Every so often I glance behind me - I keep getting this feeling that I’m being followed. As colorful as all of them are, their numbers conceal individuals, and one of them keeps pulling off my own ninja skills against me. The feeling is making me anxious, almost sickeningly so. Though every now and then I catch a glimpse of the possible suspect, a bit of mint green fur disappears from view every time. Still, I continue on my less-than-merry way through the town.

As I wander along, I notice a familiar pony, despite never being in the show. He’s a red unicorn with a bright blond mane and a fiery tiki mask cutie mark. Where have I seen him before? Wait a second, JoshScorcher's reviews of the show end with art featuring this unicorn. So this is the pony version of Josh. Wonder if he's as talkative here as he is on Earth. Then again, I never actually met Josh on Earth, just through Steam. Well, may as well see. I politely wave to him as we pass by each other.

“Yo,” I say. There isn't much of a reaction, just a short glance and he slightly picks up his pace. Seems about right.

I keep going, until I come to a small park bench. I sit down, and try to relax, though the bench is rather uncomfortable. I lean my head back and stare into the sky.

Some time passes before I’m roused by a creak from the other side of the bench. I look over and recognize Lyra. Why is it she seems to show up wherever I am? She looks startled, like she was trying to sneak onto the bench and would have succeeded were it not for the creak. She sits there, refusing to look at me, fidgeting and trying to focus on the ground in front of her. A bright blush spread across her cheeks.

I look at the sky again, watching the birds and pegasi fly around, while pondering all the oddities around me. Every so often Lyra shifts around in her seat; I glance at her each time. Eventually she starts twiddling her hooves. If she's so nervous around me, why doesn't she just leave? Is she the one that's been following me all day? Never mind, I think I'll just head back to Twilight's now. As I get up to leave, Lyra grunts softly, lifting a hoof in protest. I turn to her and give her a chance to speak. However, she just stares at me with her mouth open. I turn and continue on my way.

As I leave, I glance back over my shoulder and notice her friend walking up to her, her hoof to her forehead. Lyra says something to her, but Bonbon just shakes her head. I’m a little curious to know what they’re saying, but the sun is beginning to set, so I just keep going.

I get back to the Library and immediately set to watching a favorite old anime. I put in my headphones, as it isn't exactly an appropriate show for young ears. Ah, Outlaw Star. Good times. If only I could get the censored Toonami dub. Well, considering Twilight "Pinkie-promised” not to watch, I should be fine. However, I make sure to pay attention to my surroundings, to keep a certain young dragon from this definitely not child appropriate anime.

Though the rest of the day went off without a hitch, I go to bed with some concern for the next day. Starting tomorrow I'm Ponyville's newest masseur, and that's definitely going present some awkward moments. Oh well. At least in a few days Twilight will be taking me to that old castle to look for a way home. She mentioned something else, too, about searching for some information regarding some lockbox.

Chapter 10: Games With a Shadow

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 10

A Game With Shadows

It's Saturday morning and I'm thumbing through a book. Leaned up against one of the walls of the library, I’m scanning page after page trying to help Twilight find information on this lockbox. She had insisted that it might help in my return to Earth, so I agreed to help read through her books, thinking one time was enough. But after we finished the last book, she started looking through the first again. I think we’re on the sixth read-through, now.

I started working at the Spa on Wednesday. Aloe and Lotus figured out the schedule they wanted me to work and started teaching me the ins and outs of the job. They taught me all the body’s pressure points and gave me tips on massaging each of them. The job pays well, I think. I’m not exactly familiar with their monetary system, yet, but I don’t think they’re ripping me off. I earn about five or six "bits" an hour, and my schedule is six to seven hours a day: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

The issue for me is the awkwardness of it all. Some ponies really love massages, and I guess I’m good at giving them. I can't tell you how many times ponies have asked for time extensions. The most awkward experience of the week though actually ended up with me not having to give the pony a massage at all. It was Lyra, she'd come into the spa and ordered a massage. The first moment she walked through the door she had some confident look, but then as soon as she saw me that confidence disappeared and she froze in place. We spent the thirty minutes in a staring contest, and when her time was up, Aloe showed her to the door.

Twilight groans loudly and throws the book she was reading, knocking to the floor and killing the feather duster Spike was holding.

"What's wrong Twilight?" Spike asks, his voice trembling.

“I've gone through every book in Ponyville, Spike!” Six times. “And there isn't a single mention of the mysterious chest that came from the Tree of Harmony, not to mention anything about keys to unlock it! But something tells me that opening it is pretty important. I hope Princess Celestia has some ideas. If the library in Canterlot doesn't have anything, I don't know where else to look!" She stretches out her wings and zooms to the top of a large stack of books, clenching her teeth striking the top book with her hoof before flying off again.

The stack totters and collapses, and I watch as poor Spike gets caught under the falling books. As Spike claws his way out from under the wreckage, he belches up some green fire which materializes a scroll. He'll celebrate the day they create e-mail.

His short legs wobble as he finds his balance on the pile. Then he reads, "My dearest Twilight, while it would be perfectly lovely to have you in Canterlot once more, I have another option in mind, much closer to Ponyville. As you know, the ancient castle that Princess Luna and I once shared lies mostly in ruins, deep in the Everfree Forest. But if you look carefully, you may find a book that could prove helpful to your research, hidden somewhere in what's left of the castle library. Sincerely, Princess-”

Twilight dive bombs Spike before he can finish, and the little dragon drops the scroll as she lifts him into the air. “Why are we still here?” she cries. “Let’s go!”

We set off, after I grab some supplies for myself - namely, my PS Vita, a zippo lighter, and my smartphone.

We make our way to the castle and then up the crumbling steps to the library, where Twilight basically goes to heaven. With an otherworldly gasp, she exclaims, "Wow! Look at all these ancient books! It's a veritable goldmine of information! I can't believe it! Woo-hoo!" She flies around the entire library eagerly, looking at all the dusty tomes.

Spike wanders carefully into the library, and still manages to trip, ending up under a spider web covered bust of a horse. "So, uh, Twilight,” he stutters. “Uh, ready to head home?"

Twilight was meanwhile swimming in a pile of books. "Are you kidding? This place is perfect!" Spike shudders and curls up on the floor, eyes wide as spiders crawl around him. I’m tempted to pull out my phone and play the theme from Psycho.

Even with the new material, two hours into reading, I’m getting incredibly bored. "Hey Twilight, I'm going to go wandering around for a bit. I'll be back."

"Aren't you going to help look? What if that chest is the key to getting you back home?"

"Somehow I think that would be all too convenient.” I kick one of the broken bricks at my feet. “Besides, we've been looking for a couple of hours already, and I need a break. See ya later."

Out in the hallway, I take one of the torches off the wall and use my lighter to set it on fire, then I head down one of the dark corridors. "I am Gulstaff, the sorcerer of light!" To make sure I don’t get lost, I pick up a rock and begin scraping it against the wall as I walk, leaving a white line on it. I feel cool, exploring like this. It’s not too often one gets to wander castle ruins back home. I almost feel like I'm in D&D.

As I come to a turn in the hall I notice something in the torchlight on one of the walls in front of me. A large shadow crosses the wall, stopping to look at me with glowing yellow eyes. I quickly pull out my phone and blind the shadow with the flashlight app. It lets out a slight scream and rushes down the hallway. I turn in the same direction and see it again, this time on the floor, still staring at me. I flash the light in its eyes again, and again it takes off. This time I rush after it; not my brightest idea.

As I chase the shadow, I hear a childish giggle. Is it enjoying this? The shadow turns a corner and I follow it, suddenly being confronted by a wall. It’s a dead end. The doors at the end of the hallway slam shut, and the shadow stands on the wall next to the door. This time however, it steps off of the wall, taking on a three dimensional form. In this form, I recognize the shadow as an alicorn mare. It looks just like Nightmare Moon, especially with its glowing eyes. It looks like I’m too low a level for this dungeon.

It approaches me, crossing the floor in an eerie silence. I decide that maybe if I can get it distracted for just a moment, I can escape. I swing the torch, attempting to hit its face. However, the torch only passes through the shadow-flesh, with no effect. It lets out a chuckle, sounding exactly like Nightmare Moon had in the first two episodes.

She continues her slow approach, and I begin backpedaling to lengthen the distance. Suddenly, though she leaps forward and pins me to the ground, putting her front hooves on my chest and sneering down at me. I close my eyes and wait for whatever is coming next. I hear her evil chuckle once again, though it quickly changes into more maniacal laughter, and then surprisingly into the giggles of a young filly. I open my eyes to witness the shadow Nightmare Moon consumed by giggles. Then the shadow starts to morph, changing in size and shape until she becomes a much smaller version of herself. As she keeps laughing, I sit up. She begins prancing around me, squealing, "I win, I win!” Then, stopping in front of me, "Let's play another game!" I just sit there, growing angry with myself for fearing for my life.

"Come on, let's play another! I have a chess board, or we could play checkers! Or we could play tag, or hide and go seek..." I stop listening, mostly because I can’t understand her rapid fire speech. The shadow filly can barely contain her excitement and darts around the room grabbing different games or toys. I realize that what I thought was another hallway is actually her room. She must have led me here for the specific purpose of playing games with her. She runs right up to me, teeth grasping the end of a rope. "Res ‘ave a ‘ug oh ‘ar!”

"I'm sorry, what was that?" As annoyed as I was, she was still rather cute. She reminded me of Sassami from Tenchi Muyo in general age, the sound of her voice, the happy enthusiasm, along with a little bit of Ayama and Sussume from Rurouni Kenshin regarding her sheer playfulness and innocence.

At the question, she spits out the rope and giggles. "I said let's have a tug of war!" She hums joyfully as she draws a line in the dusty floor and grabs the rope again.

“Why not?” I pick up the other end of the rope and stand. "Weddy, het, ‘OH!" I brace myself for her tug. It’s a little startling how much strength she has, and I stumble forward, though far from crossing the line. Regaining my balance, I pull back, making her trip over her forelegs. I tug again, and she falls across the line. She has to spread her wings to keep herself from landing on her face.

Fluttering above me, she laughs. “I was taking it easy on you. Best two out of three, okay?"

"Fine by me." She flies back to her position, picking up the rope. As she lowers herself to the ground, she begins her countdown again. She gets to the “go”, and suddenly transforms into an older version of herself, resembling Luna. Her much larger feet crash to the ground, creating clouds of dust around her. The increase in her strength catches me completely off-guard, and it only takes her one large tug to pull me right over the line.

"Yay! It’s tied!” Her voice is deeper, and she glares at me with her teeth bared in an evil grin as she says, “Last round."

I gulp and stand up again. Back in position, I tighten my grip on the rope and look her in her glowing eyes. I nod, and she counts down. “Go!” Though she’s much bigger, I’m strong enough to stay in place. The rope burns my hands as it slips through them, though, and I look back at her. She notices that I’m failing, and a deep laugh echoes through the room. But she’s lowered her guard, and I quickly reposition my hands and pull the rope past my body.

Her eyes grow wide, and she trips over her feet once again, crashing onto the floor in a tangle. I pull a little more to drag her over the line. Defeated, she returns to her filly size, and giggles again. “Now you get to pick the next game!"

A little worn out from that match, I suggest chess. A nice, calm game. Maybe I can get her to relax enough to tell me more about herself, and maybe even get out of here.

"Yes! Wait a minute.” She bites her lip and rubs at her hoof. “I might not be good. I've never played it with anyone else - just by myself."

"By yourself? Why?"

"No pony has ever stayed here after the first game, and they usually win that one."

"You mean tug-of-war?"

"No, we always play run-from-the-pony-of-shadows first. At least, that's what they call it. The rules are that they run from me as I try to catch them. They win if they get away from me, I win if I catch them." Her ears fold back and her eyes dim. "They never come back for any more rounds though, or other games at all."

"So you usually lose?" I definitely shouldn’t have been afraid of this thing.

"Well, most players don’t chase after me. Actually, you’re the only one who ever has. Usually, as soon as they see me, ponies run away. Then I chase them. Pegasi can get away quickly, because of their wings. Earth ponies are a little slower, but they’re still fast enough. And unicorns-” she shudders. "They just teleport away. Which is fine with me! I don’t want to play with them, anyway!” She spits on an imaginary unicorn and flicks it away with her hoof.

“So, you don’t like unicorns?"

"No! Well..." she trots over to the chessboard and levitates it, encircling it with a dark blue aura. “I guess you can say I’m afraid of them. Other unicorns.”

She comes back and we sit down to play. From an old box in the corner of the room, she pulls the chess pieces, setting them into place with her magic.

"See, I'm...I'm a spell created by Nightmare Moon a thousand years ago. She needed me to continue to battle Celestia if she was banished, but she didn’t have time to use a more complex spell. Any unicorn could destroy me if they knew even simple dispelling magic." She cringes, and continues, “That's why I had to wait until you were separated from that alicorn before I appeared."

"I see. No wonder you were so excited when you caught me.” The filly looks down and bites her lip again, her eyes growing increasingly dark. Quickly, I say, “How about we start playing then?"

She looks up and her eyes glow a little brighter. “Okay!” As we played, she perked little by little until she returned to her normal self. Whenever she'd finish her turn she'd start prancing in a circle around the board, giggling ecstatically. She really wasn't very good at chess, but I was glad she was having fun.

During the game, she explained that she was created with a memory spell, making her a copy of Princess Luna as a filly. All of the other memories this copy had of being Luna were those written about in an ancient diary she had found in the castle. The rest were her own; she was her own self, capable of her own thoughts.

Just as I’m about to declare checkmate, we hear screams. She perks her ears and looks toward her door. "There's more ponies here. They sound familiar too."

"Do you want to go see who it is?"

"Uh-huh."

We leave the room and head in the direction of the screams. Eventually we make it a hallway that looks out onto a courtyard. And there is the scene of chaos. Rarity is crying under some torn cloth, Applejack and Rainbow Dash are running around, and Fluttershy is desperately removing a fallen column from a pile rocks. A little chuckle reminds me of the shadow alicorn at my side. She continues to laugh until she sees Twilight, who suddenly appeared to straighten things out. Quickly, she shrinks in size and leaps into my pocket.

The ponies talk amongst each other, and then the whole castle is shaken by the deep chords of an organ. They all rush together and anxiously start toward the source of the music. We follow behind them, only to discover that it was Pinkie Pie playing the organ. I rejoin them, and Twilight sighs in relief. Apparently something interesting went on while I was gone. We all returned to the library, ready to discuss Twilight’s findings.

"So, what have you been doing all this time?" Twilight asked me.

"Well, you know that ‘shadow pony’ you were all talking about? I met her. She's definitely something I didn't expect."

I feel a tiny horn stab into my thigh, but I grit my teeth and slap my pocket. The others look at me with raised eyebrows as a tiny squeal comes from my pocket.

"Yeah,” I continue. “She's not threatening at all. She's just a filly that likes to play."

Rarity set down her embroidery needle and asked, "So, where is she now?"

"She's hiding,” I answer. I point at her horn and say, “She scares easily whenever someone is around that can use magic."

“Oh, that’s too bad,” Rarity pout.

“I agree,” Twilight says. “Why is she afraid?”

"Well, she can explain it herself." I feel another jab, and I pat my pocket again. “It might take some work, though.”

After a little coaxing, we did get her to come out of my pocket, and the shadow filly shyly told them all about herself.

Thus ended yet another day in Equestria.

Chapter 11: If You're Not Indy, Eff You!

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 11

If You're Not Indie, Eff You!

Another Saturday is being spent sitting in Twilight's library doing something I'd rather not be doing. This time, Pinkie Pie has thrown a party, calling it the "National Random Holiday Party Day".

The job’s been about the same as usual - just as awkward as ever. I’ve encountered a few of the dreaded musical numbers so popular in Ponyville, and so I’ve learned to keep my earbuds and Vita with me. I’ll go deaf soon, with how loudly I have to play my music. I think I may have missed something the other day, though. Lyra and a group of others popped in while I was giving a massage, and they started singing, possibly about me. All I know is Lyra’s been looking at me disappointedly ever since then.

I also had another encounter with Firebrand. I didn't have time to talk to him though, as he was running from a crowd of possibly possessed ponies chasing after him, carrying some dark red Pegasus. He seemed quite panicked and I didn’t want to bother him, so I just stayed out of it.

In other news, the Pony of Shadows is the newest resident at the library. Everypony took to her rather easily, and soon the only problem we had with her was what to call her. We couldn't just keep calling her the Pony of Shadows, after all. We eventually decided on Joyous Shadow, but I like calling her Shade. Twilight’s put her research into the lockbox on hold; now she's looking for a spell that will make Shade permanent, as it were. That way she would no longer need to be afraid of a third of the population. Maybe it’d also help the population not to be afraid of her; so far, we’ve been keeping the shadow pony a secret from the town.

"Heya, Twilight! Aren't you excited that—" Pinkie interrupts Rainbow Dash with a loud party horn and tosses confetti in her face.

As Rainbow glares at Pinkie and brushes the confetti off her muzzle, Twilight smiles and responds, "So glad you've finally made it!"

"What's everypony doing here?"

Pinkie leaps into the air and squeals, "We're having a holiday party!" She once again blows the party horn.

Still confused, Dash asks, "So what holiday would today be?"

"National Random Holiday Party Day! Woo-hoo!"

Rarity walks over with a tea cup. "I've never heard of it either, but the punch is quite tasty."

Pinkie leans in close to Dash, and makes a squeaky smile. "You might say the secret ingredient is... a secret!"

Pushing Pinkie away, Rainbow asks, "How come nopony bothered to invite me?"

"I came to invite you personally, but it seems you were a speck too busy reading the last Daring Do book - for the twelfth time." Applejack's eyebrow lifts as she looks accusingly at Rainbow.

"Yeah, well, in three months and twenty-six more days, I'll be able to read the next one." Dash beams, then tries the punch. I'm a huge Mass Effect fan, but I didn't act like this over Mass Effect 3.

Twilight looks up from her book. "Oh, haven't you heard? The release of the next book got pushed another two months." I raise my Vita toward the interaction and ready the camera.

Dash spits out her punch right in Twilight's face. *Click* Got it. "Two more months?! I've been waiting so long already! I don't think I can take another two months! I'll never make it!"

Fluttershy pipes up, "Yeah. I can vouch for that..."

Dash quickly turns back to Twilight, "Did they give a reason?"

Calmly cleaning off her face, she responds, "The publisher just said author A.K. Yearling won't be able to finish the book for another two months. Cupcakes?" Pinkie accepts her offer immediately and horks one down. That's right, desserts - beware. There's a wild Pinkie nearby.

Rainbow crosses her forelegs and pouts. "How could you possibly know that before me? I'm the series' biggest fan!"

Twilight pouts back. "I'm just as big a fan as you! In fact, I'm the one who first introduced you to the books, remember?"

At that, Rainbow switches from frustrated to embarrassed. "Oh. Right."

Forgiving her friend, Twilight begins, "A.K. Yearling just might be my favorite author. I know everything about her. Where she grew up, where she studied literature, where she wrote the first Daring Do book..." I don’t know. That just screams creepy stalker.

Rainbow’s eyes light up. "Where she lives?"

"Uh... no, though I could probably find out somehow. Why?" Because she wants to be a creepy stalker, too. Isn’t it obvious?

Dash can't contain her excitement. "Don't you get it? The new book is obviously delayed because she needs help dealing with whatever everyday nonsense is distracting her from spending her every living, breathing second writing! So I - I mean - fans like me can get to read the new book ASAP! Think about it! We could help her with her laundry, buy her groceries, cook her meals, whatever! Now, who wouldn't appreciate that?"

"Hmm, I don't know... What she probably wants most of all is respect for her privacy." Sounds like a dream come true.

"She can always just say no." Gee, wouldn't that be nice?

"Mmm...I suppose you're right..." Twilight appears apprehensive to take her stalking to the next level.

"Of course I am. So... how's about getting that address?" Can I please wake up from this nightmare?

Just an hour later and we’re starting our journey across Equestria to find A.K. Yearling's cabin.

"Yay, I finally get to leave the library!" Shade squeals at my side. She does go outside, but only to attend school. She’s been sneaking in with the help of Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo by hitching a ride in their shadows.

"Well, I figured you deserve to have some fun. Besides, I couldn't just leave you behind, li’l sis." As I look down at her, I spot something that makes me cock my eyebrow. "Pinkie, why are you painting that red line on the ground?”

The party pony suddenly drops everything and jumps at me, wrapping her limbs around me in a hug. I recoil and tried to squirm out of it, but Pinkie seems to all of a sudden possess an indomitable strength. "Don't tell anypony else, but it's part of the script." She leaps off and returns to her work.

Still frozen from the hug from out of the blue, or in this case pink, I try to piece together what she just whispered.

Meanwhile, Twilight seems to be rather annoyed. "You see what I mean? Why would she live in this remote part of Equestria except to keep folks from intruding on her privacy? We should respec—"

"I think I spotted the house!” Dash squeals. “We're super close! This way!"

“Wait!” Twilight warns, but Dash is already flying off ahead, and soon we spot a rundown cottage. “Oh no. What happened?"

Dash walks to the door. "Apparently somepony has intruded on her privacy pretty hard already..." After she knocks on it, the splintered door just falls.

We decide to crawl in and take a look around. The cottage looks like a tornado’s run through it. "Hoo-wee, somepony really trashed this place."

I glance over at AJ. "Thanks, Captain Obvious." She shoots me an annoyed look.

"Hmm...maybe. Or maybe A.K. Yearling's just a terrible, horrible, unbelievable slob!" Pinkie Pie hops through the wreckage, splashing wooden remnants and books everywhere.

"I hope A.K. Yearling's alright!" Rarity cried.

"Oh no! What if something terrible happened to her?"

"I know! There might be no more books!” We all turn to Rainbow, and I almost let out a snicker. “Uh...but, of course, I'd be worried about her, too. Heh." Nice save, genius.

"What are you all doing here?"

Shade hides in my shadow and we turn toward the broken door and the mysterious voice. "A.K. Yearling?"

Suddenly Twilight is insisting that we found the house in its current state. Well, that’s mostly true. Pinkie did help a bit, though. I’m surprised that this great author apparently hasn’t even noticed me yet. Then again, she is rushing like she’s on a mission.

"What have you done to my house?" She asks, though seems not to really care.

"We didn't do this, Ms. Yearling - whoa!" I watch Applejack go flying as A.K. Yearling tugs a carpet right out from under her, and I can’t help but look down at her with a smirk.

She continues to search the wreckage of her house, tearing it further asunder. I ask her what she’s looking for, but she goes on like she didn’t hear me.

“You’re too timid, big bro,” Shade whispers to me. I scowl at her and we step into a dark corner, where she climbs onto my back.

"Okay, clearly this isn't the best time, but…” Come on, Rainbow. “...I've just gotta say how much we all really love your books." She lets out a nervous laugh, as we all roll our eyes. Then A.K pulls a book out from under her, and Rainbow tumbles to the ground next to Applejack. Shade and I smile.

Then A.K Yearling catches sight of me, and she stares hard, clearly trying to figure out what I am.

"...Hi." I wave, still smiling, though I feel my cheeks growing warm. "I'm with them." Her eyes flit to my shoulder, from behind which Shade is peering, her gleaming yellow eyes focused on the cloaked pony.

She looks from Shade back to me, then from me to Shade again. I feel sweat break out on my forehead; it is pretty stuffy in here. I twitch my shoulder and bounce Shade. She stutters, but then spits out, "Oh, hi! I'm with them too!"

Her red eyes are open wide, but she just shakes her head and begins fiddling with the book. "I don't have time for this." Between its pages, we discover a large golden ring, which she tucks under her cloak with a sigh of relief. “It's safe."

“Big brother,” Shade whispers to me.

“Yeah, what?”

“What’s that pretty thing?”

“Beats me.” I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand. “I have no clue what’s going on here, but isn’t it weird how this writer looks just like the character in her books?”

“Maybe they’re autobiographical.”

“That’s a big word.”

"Rainbow Dash, a minute please!" Suddenly Twilight has her magic cast over Dash, and she’s pulling her outside. Not wanting to miss something hilarious, I head out after them, only to see Twilight unceremoniously drop Dash onto the ground. "A.K. Yearling has made it pretty clear that she wants to be left alone. We need to respect her wishes!" Darn, nothing funny.

Just then, Pinkie pops up. "You should tell that to those guys."

These guys had just entered the cottage through a window on the roof. We race to the window, and I feel Shade shivering on my back. The intruders had surrounded A.K., and were growling as they closed in. But then, she throws off her cloak and large red glasses, revealing herself to be none other than Daring Do.

Twilight and Rainbow gasp. "A.K. Yearling is Daring Do!"

"Called it," Shade smirk.

Then the fight commence.

"Amazing!"

"Incredible!"

"Wow! So much action! Whee!"

"How long ago was it that I showed you Jurassic Park?” I ask Pinkie. “Seriously, this is rather tame."

Things start to look bad for Daring, and soon enough the ring is in the hooves of a fourth guy. And none of you ponies think to help. Good job. It’s not until the bad guys leave that Fluttershy finally suggests we go help. Everypony rushes back into the cottage, but as I follow, I realize that the weight on my back is gone.

"Shade? Sis, where are you?" I decide to search the nearby trees for the shadow filly. Still unsuccessful, I suddenly hear Twilight shouting.

"That's not a plan!" I turn around to see Rainbow fly off, leaving the others to run after her - at a much slower pace. Rolling my eyes, I turn back to the trees. I finally find her behind the cottage, watching a brightly colored butterfly.

"So there you are." At my voice, Shade jumps and looks up at me with a crooked smile and scared eyes. "Calm down, I’m not mad."

Her face relaxes and she looks back to the butterfly. "Isn’t this thing cool?"

"Those are some interesting colors, that’s for sure.” We watch it flutter around for a while longer before it disappears behind the big leaves of the forest. “Well, come on Shade. We should get going - otherwise, we'll probably get lost."

With a giggle, she leaps onto my shoulders once more, wrapping her forelegs around as much of my head as she can.

We make our way through the forest, heading in the direction Dash flew off in. We eventually catch up with the mane six, and in time to hear Twilight shouting again.

"-she's in the fortress, and we're here, and we wouldn't be who we are if we didn't go in after her! And neither would you! So, are you with us, or not?" Wait, we’re going where?

After navigating various traps in this curiously nearby fortress, we make it to an open area where there are many ponies with their hooves wrapped around spears. The noodle-like flexibility of these creatures’ limbs astounds me. In the center of these ponies was a giant stack of golden rings just like Daring’s. Then I see Daring’s ring - in the hands of this giant blue monster! No wonder she wasn’t thrown off at the sight of me and Shade.

Everypony charges onto the scene, and the monster and his goons are confused, allowing Pinkie to capture the ring and send it flying to somepony else. We play this game of back and forth, and eventually the ring makes its way into my possession, and some spear-wielding pony stampedes up and attempts to use his spear to catch the ring and pull it out of my hand. I instead rip the spear out of his grip; it isn’t difficult, considering he has no hands.

"Careful with that! You could have poked my eye out, idiot." I hear Shade’s laughter behind me and I throw the ring to Rarity. The stallion I took the spear from turns around and tries to charge at her. Just as he takes off, though, I jab him where the sun don't shine with the haft of the spear. He rolls forward and curls into a little, whimpering ball. "Yeah, you'll feel that for a while."

Shade hops off my back and starts running around among the havoc. As I watch her, she grows in form until she’s twice the size of any of the ponies here. The two she starts chasing are screaming bloody murder, but she’s still just giggling. She stops when she hears Rainbow Dash, though.

"Ponies! Run! This place is goin' down!”

Immediately, she scurries back to me and I catch her as she shrinks down, placing her much smaller body into my pocket.

Daring and Dash fly over us as we rush to get away from the collapsing temple. We make it just in time.

Our little adventure over, we headed back to Ponyville.

Chapter 11.5: Unwelcome Discoveries

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 11.5

Unwelcome Discoveries

It's been two days since the adventure with Daring Do. I just got through a day of work and now I’m back at the library, surprisingly enjoying a hamburger. As it turns out, the ponies are omnivorous. They don't eat meat very often, though. Now, I have some theories on that. The first theory is that when a cow dies naturally, they just take its meat, but that sounds rather morbid. The other is that the beef cows here aren't sentient like dairy cows, some of which I’ve even seen in town.

In any case, I’m enjoying my burger and then Twilight comes in, looking a little more than perturbed. She has my laptop with her, which is no surprise to me as I let her study some of its contents. I made a separate account for her use and put a password on mine so she couldn't snoop through anything personal.

She trots right up to me, takes a seat in a chair and places my laptop on the table. She flips it around so I can see the screen: it’s black and the media player is open, though paused.

"Care to explain this?" Before I can even ask what she’s going on about, she presses the play button. Immediately, I hear a very familiar voice, and I know exactly what’s going on. I set down my burger.

“How the heck did that get on my laptop!?" I really am shocked - I never put the show on my computer. I didn’t want it there! This show is for little girls and bronies, and even though I do watch it, I am neither! "Hold on, let me see this for a second."

"No, tell me first,” Twilight’s brow is furrowed and her eyes are fiery. “How much of my life is in your laptop? Why would you know about it? Why didn't you tell me about this?!"

With that last question, she slammed her hoof onto the table, shaking my laptop. The thing is, I have been keeping my previous knowledge of this place hidden from them, but not intentionally. It really just didn’t occur to me to tell them.

“All right,” I take a deep breath. “I have no idea how much is on there - I didn't put it there. Probably more than you'd like and at the same time less than you'd think. Your last question is best answered by your reaction to this predicament. Now then, I'll have my laptop back so I can figure out how the heck this show got on here in the first place!"

I grab the laptop and exit the playing movie - luckily our little discussion drowned out the volume for the most part so I didn't have to hear that annoying intro.

Upon investigating, I quickly find an unfamiliar video folder. I scroll through it, and find that every episode is downloaded up to the season four premier. I’m prepared to delete the folder completely, but then I spot a Microsoft Word file titled: BeforeYouDeleteThis.docx. I roll my eyes and open the file to discover a short letter from a pegasister friend of mine. I had allowed her to borrow my laptop for a school project a couple months ago. She must have downloaded the show and placed it in a folder where I would find it, with one of my favorite T.V shows. Unfortunately, it was one of the shows I had allowed Twilight to watch.

The folder containing the document was labeled A Gift From Kathy. This is how her note read:

I felt I had to thank you for the help and even though I know you don't like the show that much, I thought that maybe sometime you'd like to rejoin Twilight and her friends on their adventures.

Kathy, you've no idea. I bet you'd love to switch places with me if you did. I sit rubbing my temples for a while after I close the document. Then I turn back to Twilight.

"Okay, I've got the answer now, but first I have a question to ask you. So, did you think that Daring Do was a real pony before meeting her, or did you think she was just a fictional character?"

"I thought she was a storybook character, but why is that relevant?" She was still fuming, and clearly not in the mood for my questions.

"In my world, you and your friends are in the show you found. Just as you had thought Daring Do was fictional, I thought you and everyone else here was fictional. But then I arrived here, and...well…” Can I say that they’re real? “If you want, I can go ahead and delete these-"

"No, don't!” She stood up and looked at the screen. “I want to watch through these and see just what you know about us, and I'll definitely need to tell Celestia about this." Twilight left taking the laptop with her. Before she left the room, I could hear the first episode playing again.

Oh, this could come back to bite me later, I do believe. I pick up my burger once more, and take a consoling bite.

Chapter 12: A Shady Day.

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 12

A Shady Day.

The day started rather normally; Jake got up early and left the room to watch something on his laptop without disturbing Twilight or Spike. So, I followed him. It's really easy to do that when you're a shadow as no one can hear you unless you want them to. You don’t even have to open doors - I just sneak under the crack at the bottom. I made my way up to him as he sat down in his favorite spot and placed the computer on the table in front of him.

"Hey, big brother, what'cha gonna watch?" I asked as he started clicking his way through folders.

"I dunno, how about some more Avatar?" he replied.

“Yay!” I squealed as I hopped over to his side. Avatar is my favorite of the cartoons he watches. My favorite character is the Avatar himself. He reminds me a lot of myself: he’s mischievous, funny, and all around just a kid wanting to have fun. I jumped onto his shoulder and assumed piggyback riding position while he set up the video. He started the episode and I heard the now familiar "Water, Earth, Fire, Air."

We watch shows every day, and even more when he doesn’t have to work, but this wasn't one of those days. Today, just like normal, we watched an episode before he got ready to go to the spa. Then Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Bell stopped by to help me walk to school.

What was special about today was that we only had a half day at school, so I spent the afternoon with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, wandering around Ponyville in search of our Cutie Marks. I don’t actually know if I can earn a Cutie Mark - I probably can’t. So I mostly just watched the three have fun, from the safety of Applebloom’s shadow.

We were close to the train station, watching ponies get on a train headed to Canterlot. As I watched, something caught my eye and made my stomach start to hurt. A mint green unicorn mare was stomping toward my shadow, and seemed to be glowering straight at me. I didn’t understand how she could see me, and now it seems like I just overreacted, but my knees began to knock against each other, and soon I was dashing blindly from shadow to shadow! I guess I was getting closer and closer to the train as I ran, and once that unicorn was out of sight, I was actually in one of the train cars. I looked around hoping to find some nearby shadows that I could sneak to without causing alarm, but the car was well lit and the sun shined brightly all around; getting off unnoticed was impossible.

I started breathing heavily, as more and more ponies boarded the train. In front of my shadow was a patch of sunlight that leaked through a window across the car. If I wanted to leave, I would’ve had to bear that light. Slowly, I reached a hoof out of the shadow. Just like usual, my leg began sizzling, and I instantly felt this sleepy heaviness fall over me. With a grimace, I retracted my hoof and crouched down into the shadow.

It's okay, I kept telling myself. You'll get to Canterlot, transfer to the shadow of somepony who's taking the train back, and everything will be fine. I looked up and saw a stallion with dark red coat of fur, a bright yellow mane, and a black jacket. I stood in this kind and unknowing pony’s shadow. Then I saw his unicorn horn. I felt the scream well up in my throat, but I couldn’t give myself away, so I swallowed it and sat there paralyzed with fear. This was going to be a long trip.

To help pass the time and keep my mind off of his magic, I paid close attention to the stallion’s conversations. I found out a lot about him, like that his name is Firebrand, and that he was headed to Canterlot for some kind of convention. The mare sitting next to him, a red Pegasus with muddy hair was accompanying him. Her name was Ink Rose. I heard other ponies around the car keep saying the two made a cute couple or that they should get married, to which the pair would blush and shake their heads. Other times though, Ink Rose - much to Firebrand's dismay - would joke and start describing their future together. I couldn't see his face during the rest of the trip, as he kept it buried behind his foreleg, and every time it would be brought up again, he'd let out a groan.

As they stepped off the train, I attempted to leave his shadow, only to find out that the sun was shining even brighter in Canterlot. Now I had two options: stay hidden in his shadow or pop out of it and reveal my own shadowy form. The first option sounded better, so all three of us set off into the city. The good news is I got a great view of its sights. The bad news, of course, is that this was going to be an even longer trip.

We finally got to the convention, and I was still stuck hiding in his shadow. When I first saw where we were, I got really excited. The thing was being held in the Canterlot castle, after all! But it didn’t take long for me to realize what that meant, or to remember who lives there.

Well, this isn't good, I muttered sullenly to myself. What was worse was that the inside of the castle was just as bright as the outside. Does everypony have something against darkness or something? My moment came, though, as Firebrand passed by an unlit hallway. I didn't care where it went, just that it had plenty of shadows. I leaped out of his as we passed, and bounded silently into the dark.

"It's a good thing he went on that tour." I giggled with relief. I decided to explore this portion of the castle, wondering why it would be dark during the day.

As I made my way down the hallway, I encountered several intersections where the dark hallway and other lit hallways met. "Okay, so it's just this one hallway. Why though?" I whispered to myself. The answer came in the form of a large, ornate door that seemed to be decorated itself with night.

"That's a big door. What's on the other side?" I whispered. "Only one way to find out!" I gritted my teeth and flattened myself against the shadowy floor. Then, quietly snuck under the door.

I found myself in a huge bedroom with the same motif as the door. Stars and the moon - they were everywhere. I wandered around, feeling simply wonderful. “I guess that answers my ques-” I stopped, eyes bursting. I could hear light breathing, from somepony in the bed. Slowly, I unstuck my legs, which had frozen in terror. I crept toward the bed, and silently stretched my body upward. I peeked down onto the bed, only to see the Princess of the Night herself. Choking back a gasp, I tripped backward over my long legs. The sight of her horn was more than I could bear. I shrank down again and rushed back toward the door, only to be stopped by a sudden dark blue glow around it.

My thoughts had become a tangled mess as I attempted to get through the door any way I could. But the blue glow of Luna's magic made it impossible for me to open the door, or even to slide under it or between the door and its frame. There was only one thing I could do, and so I slowly turned around and sat, staring down at the floor. My ears flattened against my head and I struggled to keep tears back, though my body shivered uncontrollably as I thought about the life I had lived and now was about to lose.

Years seemed to pass as I waited for the end. Eventually, I opened my eyes and looked up. Standing not two feet from me was Luna. She was staring right at me, looking me over with a curious eye. My stomach turned and I shut my eyes again, hoping she'd make it quick. Still nothing occurred. But then came the unexpected.

"Hello Shade, it's nice to finally meet you."

I awoke in the familiar and comforting surroundings of Twilight's library. I got out of my little bed and looked around the room, finding Jake talking to somepony...two someponies...two rather large, familiar someponies.

"Are you all right Shade?" Twilight suddenly asked from beside me.

I squealed and hopped around to face her. "Oh, hi Twilight. Y-yeah I guess so..." I stuttered as I tried to regain my composure. "So, what happened?"

"You fainted the moment I spoke to you." Luna said as she walked up. My chest grew tighter with each step she took. "Now I have a question: how did you make your way from Ponyville to my room in Canterlot?"

"It's a f-funny story actually,” I laughed like a mania, unable to make eye contact. “See, I never even meant to go to Canterlot.”

Luna urged me to continue, and soon I found that I was calming down. Near the end of my story, Jake sat down next to me. I noticed that I could breathe much more easily having him close.

"-And then I found myself in your room, and well now we're here." I finished up the story, feeling much more comfortable as I sat on my big bro's lap.

"I see. So it was your fear of unicorns that drove you to Canterlot. It saddens me that it was my doing that left you fearful of those with magic." Luna said.

Celestia turned to her sister. “Luna, that wasn’t you. Do not feel responsible for something you could not control.”

“But I could control it, sister,” Luna looked down suddenly, and her crown slipped forward on her head. “Now is not the time to discuss this, however.” She looked at me again. "I am glad to have met you. Twilight has written to me and Celestia about you. We too are searching for a spell to give you form." Her voice became cheerier, and she cast a mischievous grin. "And it seems my little ‘daughter’ has adopted a brother, and it's good to see that you two get along so well, and care for each other."

Celestia started to giggle softly.

"What?" Jake said, rubbing his eyes.

Celestia composed herself, then said, with a little smile, "From now on you can call me Auntie Tia."

Then it was Jake's turn to faint. Or did he collapse on purpose?

Chapter 14: She Lives!

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 15: Shape Shifting and its Source

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 15

Shape Shifting and its Source

This morning isn't like most mornings.

I wake up feeling odd. My limbs are stiff and I have trouble getting out of bed. Then I see one of my hands. Two fingers and a thumb and metallic looking plates on each of them. I take a single step forward and everything goes topsy turvy. My legs are bending the wrong way! I stumble to the bathroom as quickly as my new body allows, turn on the lights, and look in the mirror. My jaw drops - or rather my jaw and a couple of mandibles.

I'm a Turian. How am I a Turian? Wait a minute, male Turians have a crest. Not only am I a Turian...I’m a female.

I try to call Twilight, but my voice catches me off guard. I sound like a woman speaking into an electronic synthesizer.

"Oh, this isn't happening, This can’t be happening. This is impossible! TWILIGHT!" I hear her hooves as she rushes to the bathroom. I watch through the mirror and see her purple horn enter through the open doorway. Before she’s completely in the bathroom, she freezes, staring at me. "Either you've been performing some kind of experiment on me or something is-"

Suddenly I double over in pain, and feel a tingling sensation all through my body. When the pain subsides, I begin to feel more like myself, and I stand straight. Why does everything look so much taller? I look into the mirror again.

I'm human and male, but now I’m eleven year old Daniel Radcliffe! Well this is definitely weird. I'll have to get used to being this short again, but hey, I'm British!

Twilight gapes at me with wide eyes. “I'll go set up my equipment in the lab. Meet me in the basement in about an hour.” With that, she slowly backs out of the bathroom, then turns and bursts toward the basement. “Try not to panic!"

"Too late!" I cry back.

About an hour later, I walk into the basement. Since I last saw Twilight, I’ve changed from a Yuan Ti from D&D to Malcolm Reed complete with phase pistol, and I’m currently in the form of a young Twi'lek boy, probably no older than seven or eight years old. Each shift seems to bring more pain along with it.

Fortunately, today is one of my days off. Even more fortunately, Shade has already left for school. I can’t imagine how much she’d tease me if she knew what I’m going through.

"Twilight, are you sure these machines will help you figure out what's going on? I'm just saying, they didn't seem to do anything before."

"Don't worry, we'll figure this out," Twilight says, while glancing to the side and giving a little chuckle.

"Yeah, okay," I respond, slowly.

She places a helmet on my head and has me stand still. She starts running the test, and it isn't too long before the paper starts coming out with zigzagging lines drawn onto it.

She looks at the paper and mutters to herself. Then, that pain courses through me again. When I opened my eyes, I look down at myself and determine that I’ve transformed into an Argonian from The Elder Scrolls.

The paper keeps printing, but Twilight’s muttering quickly becomes anxious. She looks up at me, more deterred, it seems, by her findings than my new form.

"Slight problem!” she squeaks. “When you shifted, there was no change detected by the machine. No magic seemed to be produced." She leaves me with this useless information and wanders off, resuming her muttering at an increased speed.

I sigh and close my eyes. Then, once my vision disappears, so do all my other senses. They just seem to shut off! However, before I can call Twilight back, they restart - though now I have no control over them, or my body at all! My hands remove the helmet from my head. I feel the pain again, and I watch as my body disappears into smoke, which floats up and out of the basement window. Once outside, I shift again and then rush into the Everfree Forest.

All the while, I hear Twilight calling out to me, but there’s nothing I can do.

Twilight bursts through the front door, in time to see the grey fog transform back into the strange lizard-like creature. Out of breath, she quickly teleports in front of the creature, but it simply steps over her. "JACOB! COME BACK!"

The creature ignores her, though. It continues tearing down the road, with Twilight gasping after it, until it dives into the Everfree Forest.

“Oh no, this is bad. This is really, really bad!" Twilight whimpers as she skids to a stop in front of the forest. "I better go get the others!"

"Jake is a what now?" Rainbow Dash asks Twilight as they fly above the winding trails of the Everfree, following the changing foot prints of what was once Jacob.

"Somehow, he's become a shapeshifter. I don't think he can control it, and now he can't control his actions either!" Twilight replied, her voice wavering.

"So ya mean that we're lookin' for Jacob, but we don’t know what he looks like?" Applejack shouts as she leaps over a large boulder and resumes her gallop.

"Yes, that means we must be extra careful," Twilight replies again. "He could be anything, anyone, and anywhere."

"Oh dear, I hope he's not hurt." Fluttershy cries.

"He's probably alright, darling. I think we're the ones in trouble in this-” Rarity grunts unattractively as she trips over a branch. “Hmph! This drab forest!" She runs her hoof through her mane and rushes on.

"Uh, guys. I think I found him." Rainbow Dash calls out to the rest while pointing a hoof toward a golden badger the size of a full grown pony. As the ponies approach, they realize that the creature has eight legs, each decorated with thick, sharp claws.

"Oh my, that creature's coat is so shiny! Oh, I can already imagine a new fashion line! I MUST HAVE IT!" Rarity squeals at seeing Jacob’s sparkling fur. She charges at the creature, horn glowing.

"Rarity wait!" Twilight shouts, but it’s too late, and the creature turns and lets out a snarl, ears back and teeth bared.

Rarity screams as she stops and begins to backpedal. She giggles with wide open eyes and stutters, "Good Jake, nice Jake. We're friends remember? You don't want to hurt a friend right?" The creature continues to advance, seemingly not hearing her words. "Uh, Fluttershy? A little help please!"

Fluttershy flies toward Rarity, slowly, so as not to threaten the massive badger. "Don't worry Jake, we're here to help you," she says in her small voice, trying to comfort him.

She’s unsuccessful though, and with a hiss, Jacob takes a swipe at Rarity. She jumps back, but just a split second too late. Gasping in pain, two red lines appear in the white fur on her side, and a third, thicker one begins gushing blood. The girls all look at her, terrified, and Rainbow Dash swoops down and carries her back. Everypony watches as Fluttershy stands her ground.

"Hey! There was no need for that!" she yells out, focusing her gaze right into the creatures eyes. Suddenly, her eyes turn sharp as she attempts "The Stare".

For a moment, it seems to work. The creature stops, its eyes twitching. It looks at Fluttershy, almost at peace, and the ponies let out a sigh of relief. Then, it shakes its head and bares its fangs once more as it takes another step forward. Fluttershy squeaks and stumbles over her tail as she turns and scurries back to the group.

Finally, Dash and Applejack step forward, striking combative poses. Dash flies around the creature’s head, distracting it while Applejack readies her lasso. Just as she’s about to throw it, though, a great howl comes from behind some nearby foliage, and all seven turn their heads toward it.

"Oh no!” Twilight cries, well aware of what’s coming. “Jake, please come with us. We need to get out of here!" But the creature still seems not even able to recognize its own name.

As the ponies stand trembling, a timberwolf reveals itself from the bushes, its long, sharp claws glistening in the sparse sunlight. With a snarl, it approaches the badger. Just as it closes in, raising its paw to attack, Jacob’s fur begins to melt away. The skin underneath glows bright as his form changes. The timberwolf freezes, watching the transformation with wide eyes.

Jacob grows tall, passing the lower branches of the trees, causing them to snap and fall to the ground, around the awestruck ponies. What was once a short, tufted tail changes into a slender and winding one, with a sharp hook on its tip. From his back burst two massive wings, each with a similar hook at their ends. The badger became a dragon, and its effulgent skin dims to reveal sleek, silvery scales. Jacob bends his neck down below the trees to glare at the timberwolf with brilliantly blue eyes.

Now the tables have turned, and the timberwolf slowly retreats, snarling a warning. The dragon, not threatened in the least, roars at it then inhales deeply and opens its maw wide. The timberwolf turns and hurries to the bushes, fearing fire breath.

However, from deep within the dragon’s throat comes a burst of sparkling white light that disintegrates everything in its path: grass, trees, the ground itself, and finally the retreating timberwolf.

The dragon turns to the ponies, who still stand shivering, stuck in place by fear. It widens its jaws again, and the ponies prepare themselves for the end. Instead of light breath, however, out of its mouth comes a great yawn, which seems to shake the entire forest. The dragon collapses onto the ground, shifting once again. When the transformation is complete, the ponies are relieved to finally find a normal, but unconscious, Jacob.

"Quick, we need to get him back to the library!" Twilight exclaims, dashing forward with her magic at the ready.

I pace back and forth in a large hole in the ground - lost in the middle of the vast Everfree Forest. Worse still, I’m the size of a mouse. As if this place wasn’t big enough. The absolute worst, though, is that I've spent the past few hours running from this strange creature. It's fur is dark grey and dotted with leopard spots except along its belly and chest, where the fur is snow white. It has a wolf’s, but the jaws are slightly broader - all the better to eat me with. Its body is sleek like a fox’s and its legs are thick and muscular, ending in large paws with retractable claws. As it bounded after me, its long fox tail swished back and forth behind it, excited for a new kill, I’m sure.

For now, though, the chase is over. I peek through the hole once more to see the creature staring angrily at me - too big to fit even a paw in. Then, suddenly, the creature throws back its head and cries, "Out my head!"

"What do you mean your head? You're in my head! You get out!"

"No, you...you're in my head! You... you get out!" Its broken English is improving quickly.

"What are you talking about?!" Arguing with something that can gulp me down like a multivitamin - I wonder how this is going to go.

"You take my body and claim it yours! Use it to change into different shapes!" It ceases talking and instead growls maliciously.

"Calm down; I don't even know what you are!"

"Lies! How you not know? You make me hold shapes not natural! Odd things you focus on, to make sure healing slowed! Then bring here, to strange place! Full of weakness, slow prey that you don't even hunt!"

"Hold on, hold on! How did you get here?"

"How should I know, you bring me here!"

My head is starting to hurt. I pace some more in the safety of my hole, then look back out. "What do you remember happening to you before you got here!"

"You know what happened!"

"Just tell me!"

"Alright cruel one,” the creature growls, bowing its head and closing its eyes tight. “I'll show you!"

The air in front of the creature begins to ripple, then a vertical puddle forms, within which shines an image. I squint to see clearly. It’s the creature’s view as it chases some prey of sorts. It runs into an open plain, then suddenly I feel a burning pain in my side. I hiss at the familiar agony, and keep focused on the memory. In the puddle, the creature looks down at its own side. Colorful lightning is jolting along its coat, the same rainbow lightning that brought me to Equestria. I hear a trembling roar, and the creature’s body begins to disintegrate.

Then the image changes. A brilliant flash of light slowly clears to reveal a sparkling room, some kind of laboratory. Test tubes full of technicolor liquids stand on desks next to complicated machinery. In the center of the room, I gasp when I recognize myself, suspended in a large jar. I’m looking around the laboratory in a panic, and then a burst of light surrounds my body, and in my hole I can feel total agony as my own blood sears my veins.

Suddenly, my view changes and I can see the creature, floating in a similar jar. It holds a paw to the glass as it looks around with wide eyes. It clutches its jaws, then releases a cry that shakes the whole image.

The next thing I see is Twilight's lab, and then the transformations seem to start. I see the ponies under the glittering claws of an aurumvorax, and even the glowing breath of a blue-eyes white dragon.

The puddle disappears, and I stand paralyzed by the pain and shock. The Shape Shifter stares at me. “You not steal my body. We are the same.”

I look back at it, and try my best to nod.

A quiet snarl escapes through its fangs. "I am sorry about your friends. Almost ate them."

"If you let me take control again, I can attempt to explain things."

The creature claws at the dirt and closes its eyes. "I'll have to. Used up all my energy in my attempt to escape. I need to rest now.” Its body suddenly begins to glow, and at the same time I feel incredible warmth as my vision begins to fade. “Good luck."

I’m back in Twilight’s library and now I'm embarrassed. The Mane Six and the Princesses can’t take their eyes off me. Oh boy, this is going to be a doozy to explain.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Fluttershy warbles.

I open my mouth to respond, but then Pinkie Pie leaps onto Fluttershy’s back and rests her hooves in her mane. "You started shape-shifting uncontrollably, and you had no idea why, but then you found yourself in a weird place which was actually the inside of your mind, but it wasn't your mind, because it turns out you and a shape-shifting wolf-fox-leopard thing have been fused together by some alien scientists and now you and the Shape Shifter are friends, and I've got to get another Welcome to Ponyville party together for it, but first the Princesses and Twilight are going to have to find a way to unfuse you two?"

She squeaks a smile while everypony else’s jaws drop.

"Uhm, what she said?" Well, that was easy.

Meanwhile, in a science station in geosynchronous orbit over Equestria, a hologram appears. It is the form of a humanoid alien, covered in jet black bony plates in some areas and scales where it needs more flexibility. It has thin jaws that can open wide to reveal sharp teeth, and a short crest extends from the back of its head, under which hangs small tendrils. In one of its clawed hands it holds a datapad which seems to be holding its attention - the other is tucked into one of the pockets on its uniform, fidgeting with an antique coin. "This had better be important, Assilryn,” it growls. “You just interrupted one of my higher priority projects."

"Sir, I have news about the fused specimens,” a similar alien responds from within the laboratory.

"What, has he accidentally adopted another one of those pathetic primitives?"

"No sir, the Shape Shifter's mind woke up. They've interacted and accepted each other's presence-” The hologram looks up, and the other alien grits its teeth. “Not only that but his mind allowed the Shape Shifter to attain sapience."

The holographic alien leans forward, intrigue starting to peak. "Interesting. She didn't devour him. That definitely went against my expectations." He returns to his datapad. "I shall have to obtain more of each specimen then. Send over the psyche profile of the originals, I'll need another control for this experiment, considering he is already in use for the current one."

"Yes, sir. Sending now."

"Is the Human female ready to be released on the planet?"

"Yes, sir. The DNA we infused her with is taking, and the probes have found a perfect location for her to arrive. The location will allow for maximum exposure to her after the resequencing."

"Excellent, you may proceed when ready." He cuts the transmission and takes the coin out of his pocket, flipping it in the air. “I wonder how accepting those primitives will matter when the human becomes a creature far larger than even the largest creatures on their planet, and with capabilities that are far above them as well. Those humans can certainly come up with interesting creatures, even if nuclear radiation wouldn't ever actually do that to a marine iguana egg.” The coin slips from his claws and falls to the floor. The alien looks at it disappointedly. “Or at least it shouldn't, but the DNA I received from the creature and its dead and alive offspring certainly proved too interesting not to be experimented with.” He stretches down and recovers the coin.

Sticking it back into his pocket, he turns around. "Well, crew, what are you waiting for? Activate the Dimension-Shift; I've experiments to check!"

Meanwhile, Assilryn starts the process, preparing the young human female. "Good thing their governments tend to look away when its the abduction of the more unimportant members of society." She looks at the newly adolescent human, floating in a small stasis capsule.

"I'm sorry young one, but if I don't do this job I'll probably become an experiment myself. All I can do is hope that you'll adapt to your upcoming form quickly, that the process will go as painlessly as possible for you, and that you'll at least find one of them willing to accept you." She strokes the jar with one of her clawed hands.

"Please forgive me."

Author's Note

So yeah some new characters, a plot twist, shape shifting , and another set of possible stories.

So the alien species I've introduced are called the Thyxhalix (Th-ih-shall-ix), a hyper intelligent race who've discovered technology that allows them to cross dimensions, space, and time. I'll have more on them in a later blog post, maybe. First I'll have to get the Shade bio done.

This also show cases another project I'll begin after I finish either Pessimism and Sarcasm or The Other Sunset Shimmer. It's going to be a Godzilla: The Series crossover. The main character being the girl depicted at the end of the chapter. She will in fact originate from the America depicted in the Godzilla: The Series.

Chapter 16: Vampire Fruitbats and Vam...Ponies?

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 16

Vampire Fruitbats and Vam...Ponies?

Today I find myself in a restaurant, one that strangely resembles a McDonald's from back home. I sit down and begin to savor a bit of breakfast before starting what will probably be yet another very slow day at the spa. You see, ever since I turned out to be fused with a giant shape shifting predator from another world, most ponies have been giving me a lot more space. It's too bad though, considering that for a giant shape shifting predator from another world, she's pretty nice - at least now that she can think about more than just eating, sleeping, and mating.

Still, there are a few ponies that don't give me too wide a berth now that this discovery has been made. Take Cheerilee, for example. When I dropped Shade off at school this morning, the very pink teacher took an extremely defensive stance in front of the class, which actually seemed rather inquisitive about the shape shifter, instead of scared like the adults, except the two snobs.

The mane six stick around because they know me, and have been the only ones around to see the shape shifter actually assume a form. I still encounter Lyra all over town, too. I swear it's like she's following me. She's even here now; she just walked in and ordered some food for herself. Could she be the one that's...nah, couldn't be.

I am also glad to report that, once again, they have meat here. Which means that I could make my more typical breakfast order, a sausage and egg biscuit with bacon. They even make the hash brown patties the way I like them - nice and crispy. Additionally, it seems that Pinkie Pie works at almost every food business in town. She turns up, in uniform, wherever I go. Maybe she used the Mirror Pool again, without telling anypony. Wait, anypony, I've been here too long.

As I continue eating I notice Lyra heading toward my table, but Rainbow Dash suddenly swoops into the chair across from me, and the unicorn pauses before sitting at a table next to us, fixing a stark glare to the back of Dash’s head. I glance at Lyra, but decide to ignore it. Instead, I turn my attention to Rainbow Dash, and prepare myself for whatever it is she wants to talk about. I’m not too excited, to tell the truth. I’m sure the self-centered pegasus just wants to tell me about herself. It could be worse, though. For example, instead of Dash it could be-

“Yooooooo-hooooo!” a high-pitched voice croons from across the restaurant. I discreetly roll my eyes as Rarity joins us at the table as well, levitating her own tray of food along with a handkerchief (or would that be hoofkerchief?) and some sanitizer. She takes the seat on my left and pulls out some shiny, fancy silverware. While she daintily eats her food, Dash devours her own as if it were trying to run away from her. Does it go too far to say that I sort of feel like Charles Emerson Winchester the Third - after he got stuck in the Mash 4077 unit? Though not as pompous or as absorbed with fleecing people.

"Bacon and sausage. Really Jake? All that fat will not be good for your figure." Rarity looks at me with a critical eye.

"Wait he got bacon and sausage on that?! That. Sounds. Awesome!" Rainbow Dash begins staring hungrily at my sandwich, then suddenly lunges across the table, nearly biting my hand as she snatches the rest of my breakfast sandwich. Left sitting there in a sort of shock, it takes a while before I return to reality. "Dude, that IS awesome!” Dash says, spewing chunks of my sandwich with each word. “I've got to start ordering that."

I sit, glaring at her. In my peripheral, I notice that Lyra’s mouth is open and her eyes are wide, pupils shrunk in horror. Is she really more upset about the loss of my breakfast than I am?

"Why Rainbow Dash, I had no idea Jacob and you were an item." Rarity gives Dash a sly look, the kind a matchmaker would have. Upon hearing this, though, Dash suddenly freezes, eyes wide in her own horror. I see that Lyra looks ready to burst into tears, and as for myself, I sit there wondering whether or not my heart had stopped.

"Say wha-" Am I getting enough oxygen? Did I hear that right?

"No way! How could we be a couple? I mean, I hardly talk to the guy-"

"But Rainbow, you know what they say about a mare when she shares a stallion’s food." Rarity gives her a wink.

"What...but...I...he..." Dash looks at me, then nearly crashes into a wall as she takes flight and flees the restaurant.

"Oh, don't worry Jake, I'm sure she doesn't really have feelings for you. This was just a little bit of vengeance for her prank last year. You know, the one she and Pinkie Pie played on me." She giggles mischievously to herself. "Though, she may start to examine her feelings for you now."

"I sure hope not. So, how did you prank Pinkie-" Suddenly, Rarity's horn starts to glow, and my mouth becomes impossible to open.

"Shh!” she hisses, eyes frantic. “She'll hear you, and then she'll begin preparing a counter prank for something I'm not even planning."

"Don't be silly, Rarity! I'm always planning pranks." Pinkie says, bursting out from under the table and taking Dash's seat. She giggles back, as Rarity sits with her own mouth zipped. "Nice prank on Dashie by the way! I mean really, Dashie and Jake, together!"

She laughs some more, then suddenly she gasps. Rubbing her hooves together, she begins smiling evilly. "Oh, I can't wait for the next time Dashie and Jake are together!" Then she drops to the floor, rolling onto her back and kicking her legs in the air, her rib cage exposing itself as the air repeatedly leaves her lungs and the restaurant fills with her ringing laughter.

I peek down at Pinkie as she continues, trying very hard to keep from rolling my eyes.

The party pony looks up to see me watching her, then smirks. "See anything you like?"

My head meets the table with a solid thunk. "No, Pinkie. I don't."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asks, standing up. She’s clearly straining to keep her face straight, her lip quivers as she forces it into a pout. "What's Rainbow got that I don't?"

With my face still to the table, I respond, "Neither of you have anything that I personally would find attractive." I groan and rub my temples. “Maybe come back when you’re older - and more humanoid.”

Pinkie gives up her charade and returns to her seat. “Why don’t you just turn yourself into a pony?” she squeaks.

I glance up at her from the table, eyebrow lifted. “No, thank you.”

Rarity huffs. "And what would be so bad about being a pony?"

"I didn't mean to say it like that,” I flinch under her glare. “I just like myself the way I am."

"Okie dokie lokie," Pinkie giggles, saluting me and skipping out of the restaurant.

I sit up and look at Rarity. “Could you explain to me why it feels like there’s about to be some species bending?”

"Well, she is Pinkie Pie after all," she responds, rubbing her hooves with the sanitizer, preparing to dig in. “She very well could be planning something.”

Suddenly, a great ringing echoes around us. Somewhere, giant bells are being sounded.

Rarity’s ears perk up and she drops a shimmering fork. “Those are the alarm bells at Sweet Apple Acres. We must go assist the farm!”

With my stomach still grumbling, I roll my eyes once more before following her out.

~~~~~

"Attention! This is a Sweet Apple Acres code red! I need all hooves – and claws – on deck!"

I amble up to the group, bent forward, clutching my sides, and catching my breath. I'm not built for sprinting.

Rarity is the first to comment. "Calm down, Applejack."

"Calm down?! How can I calm down at a time like this?! Vampire fruit bats are attackin' Sweet Apple Acres!"

Vampire fruit bats?

"But I thought the fruit bats usually stayed put in the west orchard,” Twilight says, confused and concerned.

"The fruit bats do,” AJ responds, pacing back and forth. “But these aren't just your everyday ordinary fruit bats. They're vampire fruit bats!" Still not understanding, I look to Rarity. But her pouted lips and crinkled brow suggest she has no idea what Applejack's talking about either.

Even so, the farm pony continues. "I'll be darned if they think they're gonna sink their fangs into my blue ribbon apple!” With pride, she shows us to a gigantic red apple, so big that it bends the trunk of the tree it hangs from, and so shiny we have to shield our eyes, well I don't I'm focusing on the Window's logo shining on its side, holding back laughter at the irony. "This here's our entry into the Appleloosa State Fair's produce competition. You know how much TLC goes into getting an apple to grow like this?"

While the other ponies admire the enormous fruit, Fluttershy steps forward, timid as usual.

"Oh, I'm sure if we just let them know how special that particular apple is to you, they'll leave it alone."

Applejack and I share a look before she says what's on both our minds. "Yeah, right. Be my guest." However, Fluttershy smiles, so confident in herself. She flies into a nearby infested tree. This can only go so well.

Before long, she returns, brushing apple seeds out of her mane.

"Well? What'd he say?"

"Um...yes." AJ gasped at the good news, a grin spreading across her cheeks. "But...it could've been a no." Her smile disappears just as quickly. Fluttershy frowns too, apologetic. "This is the first vampire fruit bat I've ever met and, well, it might take some time for me to really understand their language."

"Uh-huh. And in the meantime, this pest and his vermin friends are gonna go after my prized apple and, while they're at it, every other apple in the orchard!" Fluttershy listens quietly, an argument on her mind but unable to be spoken. "These vampire bats are nothin' but a bunch of monsters!"

"Monsters?!" she finally responds. "Oh, that's a bit harsh, don't you think?" My mind goes to the shape shifter, and even to Shade, and suddenly I start to see Fluttershy's side of things.

"No, I do not," Applejack responds, however.

They start up some musical number, then, so I allow myself to drift off in my own thoughts. It was by the end of their song that I had a sudden realization.

"Lyra's the one that's in love with me!" After I say it, I search around me frantically, all too aware of her stalking tendencies.

Rainbow Dash breaks out in hysterics over my seemingly random outburst. I look at her with contempt for a moment, before I smirk. "Clearly someone's forgotten her actions this morning."

She stands straight, mouth open, ready to argue with me. Unable to find a defense, though, she blows her hair out of her face and says, "Fine, I'll drop it."

We refocus on the Applejack issue.

"-Granny says we lost a huge section of orchard that year. They had to ration out apples all winter!"

Dash's face fills with worry. "What about the cider? There was still cider, right?"

"Not...a...drop."

Suddenly the activist of the group, Dash jumps into the air, a scowl on her face. "We need to round up these monsters, and we need to do it now!"

Applejack nods, eager to begin. I'll have to keep this in mind: don't get between Applejack and her apples. And if I'm ever the reason for a decrease in cider, I'd better watch out for Rainbow Dash, who still hovers angrily above us, glaring into the trees. Fluttershy hides behind her mane, defeated.

"Alright everypony, let's go to the library!"

"You serious?" my attention turns to Twilight, and I contort my face in misery. "I just recovered from the sprint to get here!"

"Well I need to go look up the spell first," she says. But the real question is...what spell?

I turn and start to walk away, not really interested. "Well, have fun. It seems you've got this well in hoof. I'll just go wander around town."

"Keep an eye out for Lyra!" Dash cries, snapping out of her vengeful state.

I scowl at her. "I thought you were going to drop it!"

Without responding, she and four of the others charge past, blanketing me in a cloud of dust. I stand there coughing for a moment, then open my eyes to see Rarity waiting.

"Be at the boutique at seven o'clock sharp tonight. I need you to help me with the second part of my prank on Dash." Her serious face tells me that this rendezvous is not optional.

"What if I don't show up?" I start walking off, rolling my eyes.

She trots in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. "Then I'll be sending a certain unicorn some love letters from a certain human." She gives me a devious smile.

"You wouldn't." Her face doesn't change.

"You couldn't!" Still no change. I slap my hand over my eyes. "You are evil! Fine, I'll show up for your stupid prank."

On my walk back into town, I can’t help but notice how the residents watch me a little closer than usual, hoping that the shape shifter side of me doesn't wake up and try to assert control. At least that's what I can assume they're thinking. Maybe they think of me as a new bad luck charm or something.

I cut through the market, looking at the shops. Not much catches my eye: there's food, novelty items, and other things for sale. I see a few familiar ponies, and one pony who, I'm utterly convinced, has a familiar looking cutie mark. It reminds me of a mish mash of video game symbols from back home; it has a circular green power symbol surrounded by blue and orange squares and there are two wings coming off of it, one red and one blue. I wonder for a moment at what the mark could symbolize, but then I decide just to continue on my merry way.

Not really in any particular hurry, I stop at one of the wooden benches strewn throughout the town and take a seat. What could Rarity be up to for tonight? I look around and see Lyra and Bon Bon standing nearby, talking and occasionally glancing over at me. Lyra seems rather depressed - maybe that prank did more good than I thought. I mean, it's not good that she's depressed. But at least I might not have to deal with her stalking me anymore. I look over there again to see Bon Bon’s eyes dart between Lyra and myself. Suddenly, she gets a smug look on her face, and Lyra starts begging at her feet. I can't hear what’s going on between them, but with the way Bon Bon is looking at me, it can't be good for my well-being.

I've got to get out of here. Not wasting any time, I get up and start toward the library.

~~~~~

Precisely at seven o’clock, I stand at the entrance to the Carousel Boutique, hands tucked into my pockets. I really don't want to be here. I reach out one hand out and knock on the door. It opens to reveal Rarity standing with her sewing glasses on the tip of her nose, and the crusaders and Shade all dressed up like little waitresses behind her. If I didn't have even the slightest idea of what was going on, I'd probably have smiled at the admittedly adorable sight. But this is a prank, and something is surely up. Is that spaghetti I smell? Garlic bread, too?

Well, maybe it won’t be all that bad. "Hello Jake,” Rarity purrs. “I'm glad to see you could make it - and so punctually. Good, that means you have time."

"Time for what?" I look at her somewhat confused.

"Why, for you to slip into this." She opens a curtain in the back of the room, showing a mannequin dressed in an elaborate tuxedo. My jaw hangs open as I watch it sparkle. No way, no effing way.

"Hurry up, hurry up, Dash will be here soon, and I need you prepared."

"Prepared for what?!" I cry, eyes still stuck on the suit.

She gives me a sly smile. "Oh, you'll see at seven thirty."

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"

Her smile grows even larger. "As I said, you'll see at seven thirty."

I've entered the home of either a madpony or an evil genius.

Either way, at seven thirty, I’m sitting at a small table, in front of a plate of spaghetti, garlic bread, two forks, and Rainbow Dash. Like me and my tux, Rarity forced her into a tight dress with slits down the thighs. She also has her mane styled up, in a clear attempt by Rarity to make her look flirtatious. However, her face looks very similar to mine: shocked, embarrassed...I’m sure we’re both wishing we were anywhere but here. I think I'd even take a dream with giant Luna right now.

Rarity and the crusaders sit at their own table with their own plates. The rule is, Dash and I are only allowed to eat from our shared plate at the same time, in Rarity’s hopes of slurping the same noodle, like in that Disney movie, Lady and the Tramp. My stomach growls, but I won’t give in. I swear Shade even has a camera.

I hear Dash’s stomach groan, too, and to my dismay, she rolls her eyes.

“Look, I’m hungry,” she states. She picks up her fork and glances at me, tentatively.

I sigh and grab my fork. Together, we start toward the spaghetti. The forks plunge into the pasta and we pull the noodles to our mouths. We start slurping them down, and our luck seems to be holding. Then we notice one particular noodle, and that's when we start sweating, looking up at each other with our faces full of terror, embarrassment, and apology.

~~~~~

I find myself panting once again as I run up to the group. Seems something is still going on even after yesterday’s solution. I look around the frustrated ponies, and find Dash standing behind Pinkie Pie. When our eyes meet, her cheeks redden and she turns away.

Twilight looks at the mushy remains of a shriveled apple. "The spell didn't work!"

"You're darn tootin' the spell didn't work!” Applejack replies. “I think we're gonna have to take more extreme measures!"

Snapping out of her embarrassment, Rainbow Dash bursts into the air. "I hear ya, Applejack! C'mon, everypony! Let's track down those vampire bats!"

I follow the angry ponies to a part of the orchard where giant, furry bats are fluttering around.

"Wait a minute... I don't think these bats are the ones that sucked my apples dry," Applejack says, watching the placid bats incredulously.

Rainbow holds a bright red apple up to the creatures, and everypony gasps as one simply slaps it out of her hoof, impaling it on Rarity’s horn.

Strangely, she doesn’t seem upset at all by the sudden splash of apple juice on her mane. "But if the vampire bats aren't eating your apples..." she starts.

The ponies look at each other, confused. Meanwhile, uninterested, I begin plotting a little revenge.

“We’ll have to catch whoever it is in the act,” Twilight says, while I rub my knuckles.

“And how do you propose we do that?” the unsuspecting unicorn asks.

"A stakeout!" Twilight grins in reply. I let out the tiniest evil laugh. Oh yes. This is going to be good.

~~~~~

Dash is either really excited about our upcoming vengeance or actually a bit spooked. “The witching hour,” she wails, trying to scare us. But then a wolf howls in the distance, and even her fur stands on end.

"Maybe we should just call this off,” Fluttershy whispers. “Not sure about the rest of you guys, but I'm really hungry..."

She begins staring at a nearby apple, and I laugh. “Sure, Fluttershy. You’re not even a little scared?” She doesn’t seem to hear me, though. Just keeps her eyes on the apple.

"Oh, Fluttershy, it'll be okay,” Rarity steps up, knocking her out of her strange stupor. “Don't forget, darling, we're all in this together."

"But she didn't say she was scared, just hungry. Surprisingly." The look on Rarity's face assures me that she is also starting to ponder Fluttershy's sentence.

"Does everypony have their pony signals?” Applejack asks. In reponse, Pinkie pulls a flashlight out of her mane and shines it, cheerily. “Now remember, Pinkie Pie, only use the signal if you see somethin' suspicious."

With an absent smile, Pinkie shines the flashlight in AJ’s eyes, and as she winces, I can’t help but laugh.

"Alright,” Applejack says, rubbing her eyes, “now everypony split up. We'll each patrol our own row of the orchard. Whoever or whatever's destroyin' my apples has gotta be here somewhere."

We all start to head out, when a small movement catches my eye. Hey, I completely forgot Spike was here!

I continue to wander, starting to drift off in thought. "How am I gonna scare Rarity? Ooh, maybe I should shift into a..." Something rustles in the bushes and then something swift and shadowy flies by. "Or maybe I have more important things to worry about!"

I go to ready my own flashlight only to find it gone. Did I really leave it at the treehouse? Looking up, I glimpse a three apple signal. "So Applejack found something. That’s comforting, I suppose." I rush off in the direction of the light, leaving behind whatever creature I had just encountered.

In a small clearing in the orchard, I reconvene with the other ponies. With an open mouth, Applejack stares up into a tree. When I follow her gaze, I see - hanging from a branch - Pinkie Pie and a mutated Fluttershy.

"Yoo-hoo! Fluttershy!" Pinkie squeals, shining her flashlight on her friend. The new and somewhat improved Fluttershy hisses at Pinkie, causing her to leap out of the tree.

"That's not Fluttershy... That's Flutterbat!" Rarity cries, seemingly horrified and repulsed by Fluttershy's condition.

“I'd still scratch her ears." Everypony gives me a deadpan look. "What? She's still kinda adorable."

“I thought you only liked humans,” Rarity teases.

I furrow my brow. “Are we really going to talk about that right now?”

“You brought it up!”

"No I didn't, I just said she looked kind of adorable!"

Twilight interrupts our argument. "We've got to get her down from there!"

"Are you kidding? Fangs that size could go straight through one of my fingers."

"Uh... Fluttershy, sweetness, please come down,” Rarity pleads. “And... do stop being a vampire bat."

The ponies all try different tactics to get her down, but Pinkie Pie has something else in mind. She starts digging herself into a hole, telling us to run for our lives.

“You know she’s only interested in fruit, right?” I say, kneeling down to look at her.

"For now she is,” the frightened pony replies. “What if she wants a different kind of juice later, though?"

I stare at her for a moment. “Yeah, I can’t argue with you on that.”

As she digs further into the ground, Twilight begins to explain what happened to Fluttershy. I glance up at the vampire pony, who’s sucking on another apple.

Suddenly, though, she lifts into the air and charges at us. "Hit the deck!" Rainbow cries. We watch as she takes off in another direction.

Pinkie Pie points a hoof at the shrinking Fluttershy. "Follow that bat!"

We run after her, only to lose her in the trees. Soon enough, though, she begins her aerial assault again, leaving hoards of dried apples as casualties.

She swoops down on us again and again, until finally Twilight comes up with a plan.

Standing in front of Applejack’s blue ribbon apple, holding mirrors, we wait for the bat to arrive.

At last, it does. As it swoops at the apple, Applejack waits for the last moment, then kicks to reveal Spike’s only contribution to this entire adventure. As poor Fluttershy scurries from mirror to mirror, Twilight takes her chance to hit her with a beam of light, which shrouds her in a swirling magic curtain. Once it disappears, everypony is delighted to find that Fluttershy is finally back to normal.

"Oh... where am I?" Pinkie Pie hops up to the confused pony, and as she tries to explain what just happened, Fluttershy only ends up more and more lost.

"I tried to eat ponies?!"

"Of course not!"

"So I wasn't a vampire?"

"Yes!"

"Yes I was, or yes I wasn't?"

I turn away from them, my head starting to hurt. Then Dash flies over to me. "We completely forgot about getting revenge on Rarity!"

I facepalm once again. I’m going to get a bruise on my forehead one day.

Author's Note

Does anyone else get a slight anime/manga vibe when they read this? If I could draw that well, there'd be some great chapter art, but I suck at drawing so, yeah... Hehe, ahhhh...

Chapter 17: Silhouette

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 17

Silhouette

It's been a few days since the "Flutterbat" incident. During that time Rainbow Dash has been keeping her distance from me, while Lyra on the other hoof has overcome some of her shyness, leaving less and less distance between us everyday. Rarity in her "oh so generous" nature saw it fit to share with the rest of the group exactly what went down the night before the incident, causing me to attempt to keep my distance as well. I say attempt because it would take a true master of stealth to avoid Pinkie Pie.

Today I've decided to stay in the library, considering Twilight’s one of the only ponies who hasn’t been teasing me. She’s been too busy studying me and my new abilities. She spent the last couple days trying to compare my shapeshifting to that of a Changeling’s.

It’s morning now, before Celestia has even raised the sun. I’m in the library, getting some early gaming in, when Shade appears.

"Hey Bro!" she says, jumping onto my lap to look at the screen of my handheld device. "What game are you playing?"

I relax, realizing that she isn’t here to tease me. "Today I figured I'd do a bit of monster hunting." She snuggles up to me, making herself comfortable while watching me game. I have my character make his way through the village doing checks at some of the shops before heading to the village chief for a quest. I'm just about to start when Twilight teleports into the room. Her sudden entrance has my heart racing - it’s surprising to even see her up this early.

"Oh Jacob, there you are,” she says, sighing. “Thank goodness I've found you."

“Twilight, we've been over this,” I say. “I'm not going to run away because of some teasing, and Silhouette isn't going to take over again and send me running through the Everfree Forest. All you had to do was check your own house."

That’s the name she’s been using, by the way. Silhouette. The shapeshifting side of me. She’s been testing out names for a while now: Amorpha, Sophie, Sophia, Melissa Grey, Unanswered Question, Shifting Shape, Sue. I think she's sticking with Silhouette though; it’s lasted longer than any of the others.

"It's not that,” Twilight says, her eyes darting around the room. “I just received a letter from Celestia. She's called me to an urgent meeting."

"Okay..."

"And she wants to make sure that nopony in Ponyville knows I'm gone."

"Uh-huh..."

She rubbed a hoof behind her ear and looked at me. "So she and I thought that you could disguise yourself as me for a while, and make everypony think I'm still here." She gives me a cheesy smile, just praying that I’ll say yes.

"No."

"What? Why not?!"

"I'm not going to be you for the day."

"But Jake, I need your help."

"Asking the wrong guy."

Her lip pouted and her forehead crinkled. "What is it this time?"

"This time?" I ask, back to playing.

"Rarity informed me all about your little chat in the restaurant a few days ago.”

I exhale so strongly that Shade covers the back of her head and turns to glare at me.

"In this case, it isn't that I'd be changing into a pony,” I say. “It's the fact that I'd be changing my gender." Twilight raises a hoof in protest, but I continue. “In any case, I have a better idea. Silhouette can do it.”

Twilight’s mouth drops open. “Are you crazy? She’s been terrorizing the townsponies since she got here!”

“They’re just little pranks!” The last couple days, Pinkie Pie and Silhouette have been hanging out, and the two naturally started having some fun - innocent fun - with a couple ponies. To be fair, it hasn’t been helping with her reputation. “Listen, if she gets to do this, think of how much she’d learn about normal pony interaction.”

Twilight sighs. "You have a good point..."

"Alright, it's settled, Silhouette gets to play the role of Twilight for the day.” I pause, hearing a voice in the back of my head. “Though, she does have one condition."

"What's that?" Twilight asks, rolling her eyes.

"That you ask her."

Her mouth drops open again, eyes wide. I set Shade on the ground. “Have fun at school,” I say. “Sorry we couldn’t hang out much this morning.”

(Twilight's PoV)

Jacob's skin and clothing begin to ripple, changing shape and size. They grow and lengthen out into the form that Silhouette has chosen to take for now. He’s really doing this to me?

I watch the shapeshifter take her final form. She's a tall creature, burgeoning at almost seven feet tall. She’s trim and fit, covered from head to toe in a grayish fur. Her fingers and toes end in small claws, her head and face resemble Jacob’s more than any pony’s, but they also don't hide her primal origins. Her ears, much like a wolf's, are located further up on her head. Her mouth though humanlike in appearance sticks out slightly more than Jacob’s. Her silvery grey eyes almost seem to have a predatory nature, and I can see myself reflected in their large black pupils. Behind her wags a fox-like tail.

She’s decided to wear clothing, and stands in front of me adorned in a pair of loose shorts and a t-shirt. Despite her impressive size, she’s like a filly trapped in a mare’s body. She still has much to learn about social protocol and such, and Pinkie Pie isn't helping. Am I really supposed to trust her?

I groan. Pull yourself together. She's a friend, and if Jacob trusts her, I can too. I mean, she's only a shape shifting predator from another dimension who up until five days, thirteen hours, and twenty seven minutes ago was completely feral and wanted to eat us.

Silhouette smiles at me, revealing glimmering fangs beneath her human lips.

I feel my knees quaking. Come on, Twilight. Just put your best hoof forward...

(Silhouette's PoV)

How nice it is to be awake! I’ve spent too much time studying these ponies from the back of Jake’s subconscious. I look down at Twilight and wait. I sense her anger and fear. I smile to calm her down, but the little pony only starts shaking.

Finally, she takes a large breath and speaks. "Hello Silhouette, I assume you have heard our plan, yes?" After a second, I nod. She is speaking almost too quickly for me to understand. "Good! Then if it is no trouble for you, would you please take my form now?" She smiles broadly. Ooh, squeaky toy! Where? Where?! Stay focused, Silhouette.

With another nod, I transform. Before Twilight can blink, she’s staring into a mirror. I decide to have some fun to help loosen her up. Her eyes are wide when they see me, and I open mine up to match her. She lifts a hoof, and I mirror her.

"Wow," she says, and I move my own mouth with hers.

"What do you think Twilight? Will I do for the job?" My voice startles me; it’s just as squeaky as hers.

"Yes, you should do fine.” She rubs her chin and watches me with her face squinched up. “I just need to be sure you have my personality down, and then I'll be on my way." She seems to be more comfortable now that I have no claws and my teeth are just as dull as hers.

She starts poking me, fixing my posture and the fall of my mane. "Twilight?” I ask as she licks her hoof and brushes my tail.

“Mmhm?” she mutters.

“When you get back, can we talk about your problem with me?"

"Problem?!” She leaps back, tucking her hoof in. “What makes you think I have a problem with you?!"

"You're afraid and angry. I understand why you’d be afraid of me, but why are you so angry?"

"I'm not angry!" she shouted. Then her horn glowed and a giant clock appeared in front of my face. "Oh, would you look at the time? I have to go!” She dashed to her room, then came back with saddlebags and a scarf. “I'll be back soon!" She’s grinding those flat teeth of her. She’s so angry. She swallows something hard. “Remember, nopony’s supposed to know!"

And then she’s standing at the front door, only to disappear in a bright violet flash.

Five hours later, no one has stopped by the library at all. Even Spike is gone, out getting another claw massage. I stretch myself out and yawn. I've even checked Twilight’s to-do list just to see if there's anything happening today. I wish Shade didn’t have to go to school.

“There just has to be something to do!" I let out a groan that shakes the library. Some books tumble off the shelves.

Then the door crashes open and Pinkie Pie hops in. "Hi Silhouette!"

"Pinkie!” I stretch my purple legs out and stand up. “Wait, how'd you know it was me?"

She laughs so hard she snorts. “Oh, that was easy. Twilight would never be bored in a library, silly!" She skips over to me and nuzzles her poofy mane against my cheek. "So, you wanna go have some fun in town again?"

I smile wide. "Sure! I'll just-” Then I remember how Twilight trusted me. How I was trying to make a good impression. I groan again. “On second thought Pinkie, I better stay here."

"Okay, we'll just have some fun here!"

"Like what? There’s nothing to do here."

She smiles and steps toward Jake’s room. "Well, we could watch something on Jake's lappy...compy...thingy."

I think for a second, then reply, "Pinkie Pie, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Then together we cry, "MOVIE TIME!"

We rush over to the laptop, and I open it and turn it on using my version of Twilight’s magic. We start scanning through the different movie files, looking for something interesting.

"Hey, Silhouette,” Pinkie says, “How are you so good at magic? I mean, you've never used it before, right?"

"It's simple,” I tell her. “Twilight is good at magic, and right now I'm Twilight."

Pinkie squints her blue eyes. "But Twilight's good at magic through practice right?"

I keep scrolling through the files, my chin resting on a hoof. "You see, when my species shape shifts into something we don’t only gain their form, but everything about them. This includes their memories, quirks, and talents. If I tried, I could almost be a perfect clone."

"Why just almost?"

I stop scrolling, staring at the screen. “I have her memories, but I can only look at them from my own perspective. Like, I can remember a prank you played on her with invisible ink and I can remember her reaction to it, but I can’t tell exactly how she felt about it." I sigh and look around the library. "It was so much easier when what I turned into thought as much as I did."

Pinkie’s big grin bounces into my view. I smile back at her. "It’s just more challenging. Everything I turn into now has plans for the future, odd thoughts and emotions, thoughts on right and wrong, things that I never really used to encounter. It's all so complicated. The good thing is when I change back I lose all of these memories."

"Really? Well, that doesn’t sound fun."

"It can’t be helped. I won’t be Twilight anymore, so I won’t be able to access any more of her memories. But I will remember that sweet prank you pulled on her.” I nudge Pinkie with my elbow. “And I’ll remember this moment right now, looking for a movie and talking with you.”

"Awww." Noodley limbs wrap themselves around me and we sit there smiling. Then Pinkie bursts into laughter.

“What is it?” I ask, startled.

She snorts as she tries to speak. "You really are Twilight! You explained shapeshifting just like she would have!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"You know, all lecturey! As if I’m in school and you’re the teacher," she says before falling over giggling.

I start laughing, too. "I guess you're right!"

As we settle down, we go back to the laptop. “Ooh, that one!” Pinkie cries, stepping on my mane in her excitement. “Do that one?”

"Magic School Bus, huh?"

We watch a good amount of episodes before Twilight returns, teleporting right in front of us. The bright flash has me choking on a piece of popcorn.

I wave goodbye to Pinkie Pie as she hops out of the library, still singing the theme song.

"Ride On The Magic School Bus!"

Twilight smiles after her, then glances at me and hurries toward her room.

“Oh no, you don’t,” I say, stamping my hoof. “It’s time to talk about your issue with me.”

"Issue? Silhouette, we discussed this. I don’t have an issue with you." She laughs, her eyes darting around the room.

"I can smell it on you, Twilight. Anger and fear." She backs away from me. "I just want to know why. Please."

I step closer and she gulps under my shadow. She backs up again, into a bookcase. The old books above wobble as we watch, but only dust falls from the shelves. With a sigh, Twilight looks into my eyes - her eyes.

“So, what’s eating you?” I ask.

Finally, she spoke. "It's not what is eating me, but what could be."

My ears flatten, and I step back. She’s afraid I’ll eat her? Suddenly, she seems taller, and I feel a swirling fear in my own stomach.

She turns away from me. "You may not have done anything since then, but I don’t think you understand what we felt the first time we met you." She turns back and her eyes widen before she grins and looks down at me. I retreat as she advances, towering over me. "First you run off in my friend’s body. Then when we find you, this strange creature, the first thing you do is attack us!"

We’ve crossed the room and now I’m the one backed against a wall. Her cheeks are growing red, and tears come to her eyes. “The worst part is you put the lives of my friends in danger! And how have you made it up to us? Even more, I don't really know you! I've never even seen what you actually look like! How am I supposed to know if you’re really a friend or just playing as one?! Why shouldn't I be angry at you?!”

I’m crying too, cowering in the corner. “Now change into something other than me as a filly,” she snarls. “It’s weird yelling at myself!"

"Huh?" I look down at myself and see tiny purple legs and hooves. I stand up straight, the fear in my stomach turning to bricks of guilt. "Twilight, I'm sorry. But you have to realize,” I stretch out my legs out, and as I do they grow thicker, more muscular, “I wasn't even capable of thought back then."

She still glares at me, so I close my purple eyes and let my fur change. I feel it grow darker, black and grey. I stretch taller. “Back then, I was a simple-minded predator, trapped in a strange world and forced to take on a strange shape.” Claws poke through where I once had hooves, and my flat teeth sharpen and hang over my bottom jaw. “I suddenly had a mind full of thoughts that overwhelmed me, that I had never imagined could be thought. I was scared, hungry.” My stomach turns as I think about eating the pony in front of me. About how I almost hurt a friend.

“Then there was this spark,” I continue, growing still larger. “Things started making more sense and less sense at the same time. I could think, feel emotions and put a name to them. The more I looked through Jake's mind, the more things started to make sense. Then we learned about the thing who did this to us, this experiment. That thing with no ethics, and to us, no face or name.”

I open my silver grey eyes, hoping they look gentle to the tiny pony below me.

Her mouth is open, and I’m worried she didn’t hear a word I said. “So, th-that’s your tr-true f-form?” she asks.

I drop my head. “Well, I’m smaller than usual. My true form is simply too big for your library.”

She lifts my chin with a hoof, and smiles at me. “Oh, Silhouette. I understand. And I’m sorry for doubting you. Jake trusts you, and that should have been enough for me.“

My tail wags behind me, and I grin at her before I can remember that I have my fangs once again. But she only winces, and asks, “So, how big should you be?”

I put a claw to my chin and think. “Oh, I know!” I kneel down to her level and open my mouth wide. Twilight leaps back at first, but steps closer when she sees what I’m trying to show her. In my mouth, two forms take shape. One is Jake, and the other is another version of herself.

I watch as the little pony’s ears drop. "Is that really an accurate size comparison?"

With a chuckle I reach into my mouth and hold the tiny figures in my paw. "Yup!"

Twilight begins breathing heavily, and before I know what I’ve done, she passes out.

"Oops..."

Author's Note

Pessimism and Sarcasm is officially back and alive again. Let's hope that it is better than it was before. For all those who followed this before, you'll want to go back and re-read the chapters as they have changed quite a bit.

I also finished the next chapter of The Other Sunset Shimmer.

Chapter 18: Adoptive Family Quality Time

Author's Note

Spoiler alert, there will be a similar moment in a future chapter from Sunset Shimmer's perspective in The Other Sunset Shimmer as I plan for them to crossover.

This chapter is the alternate of the episode Rarity Takes Manehatten, so the next episode on the list is, well instead of Pinkie Apple Pie, I think I'll do another Shade chapter.

Chapter 18: Adoptive Family Quality Time

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 18

Adoptive Family Quality Time

Today Shade and I find ourselves on a train to Canterlot. We received a letter from Princess Celestia summoning us to the castle. The royal guard will escort us there from the train station. Shade is excited to see the castle again, a warm and bright palace compared to the one she lived in before. Newspapers around Ponyville have been printing articles calling her and myself new royalty, and when I think about it, since Shade was born from Princess Luna’s magic, she could be considered as royal.

I suppose Silhouette and I are royalty by adoption. I wonder how she feels about that - I know I’m not exactly excited. Back home, if someone told me I’d be a prince, I’d just laugh and show them my empty wallet. And if someone told me I’d be a prince in Equestria, I’d probably have to call 911.

This summons from the Princess is the only thing that’s seemed to have come from this whole new royalty thing. I’m hoping we’re not going to be given any royal duties. This life is complicated enough just trying to stay sane in this nonsensical world.

I try not to stress about this on the train. Shade is sitting in my lap and half the train car is squeezed behind me, all watching me play Pokémon. I have a small personal bubble, at least, created by the ponies’ fear of the Shape Shifter.

Eventually the train pulls into Canterlot station and all the ponies groan as I save and turn off the game. I’ve seen arcade games in Ponyville, but I guess ponies don’t have the thumbs to make much use of anything beyond that.

Shade and I walk out onto the platform, and I get to take my first real look at Canterlot. It's an interesting blend of modern era, Renaissance, and practically every era in between - if you turned it into a sentient pony fantasy world. There are carriages going by on the cobblestone streets, yet ponies are walking on concrete sidewalk. The buildings are definitely reminiscent of the Renaissance in the materials, but modern in appearance. The area also does nothing to hide the fact that all the ponies here are well-to-do. Fancy speech, fancy dress, fancy everything.

I notice ponies in the station standing around and staring at us, whispering. I really miss my ninja skills. Shade feels awkward as well, and seems to be wishing she still had the ability to fuse with my shadow.

"Greetings, Princess Shade and Prince Jacob.” A small group of royal guards walk up to us, scattering the onlookers. “We are to escort you to the castle.”

Prince. Gah, I'm not going to get used to that. "Alright, the sooner we get to the castle, the better,” I mumble to the guard who spoke. “Lead on, sir,"

“Please follow me." He takes the front of the group, while the three others form the rest of a diamond shape formation. We head out toward the castle, with a small procession of the more curious ponies tagging along. Shade sits on my shoulders, enjoying the view. She still has her fear of unicorns, she dips her head and hides behind her mane whenever we pass one - but it seems to be lessening.

The closer we get to the castle, the larger the procession becomes, and it’s only when we finally reach the courtyard that our entourage disbands, leaving only the most curious loitering about. The castle itself is quite a sight, I have to admit. The guards take us through the gates and into the castle proper.

The back guards leave in separate ways. "This is as far as we take you,” the lead guard told us. “From this point forward, Celestia has appointed a special guide for you. She'll be here shortly." And with that, he leaves as well.

"Interesting. Well, that could have gone worse."

"How, big brother?"

"Plenty of ways, sis. Plenty of ways."

A voice sounds from down the hall. "Hello! Welcome to Castle Canterlot. I'm your guide-" The voice cuts short and I look to see a very familiar pony. Her cyan eyes are wide, her jaw gaping - she seems frozen in place. A scroll previously covered in her magic aura falls to the floor.

But then I’m on the floor, the pony constricting me with all four of her limbs. She nuzzles me profusely. "You're human! Another human! I'm not alone anymore!"

"Say what...?"

"Oh!" She leaps off me, and I sit up to see her blushing, kneading the floor with one of her hooves. "Right, you don't know.” She giggled and looked away. “See, I may look like a pony, but I'm really a human."

Shade stands like she’s ready to fight, confused and annoyed with this pony who just tackled her brother.

"Well, that is certainly something I wasn't expecting," I say, standing up. "I'm Jacob, pleased to meet you."

"Sunset Shimmer. Sorry about that, really. I just never expected to see another human again."

Sunset Shimmer, hold on, isn't that the name of the villain in that My Little Pony movie? The high school one? The Sunset Shimmer in that movie remained banished at the end, so this must be the other Sunset Shimmer. She really is human! A human unfortunate enough to have transformed upon entering Equestria. I guess things could be worse for me.

Sunset lets out a nervous laugh. "Well, we might as well get on with the tour."

"Sorry, but I thought I was here to see the Princesses about something."

"You are, but they are currently busy. They planned this tour so they can finish their meetings, and so you can see the castle."

"I see.” I glance down at Shade. She hasn’t let her guard down. “Well, shall we get going?"

"And finally, here is where you'll be staying for the next few days." We come to a stop in front of a set of doors, in the Royal wing of the castle. We’re near Luna's own room, which sits just opposite of Celestia's. The hall is lined with several other sets of doors, all of which seem unowned. My theory is they’re rooms designed for the royal family when they visit.

Sunset Shimmer’s magic illuminates a door handle, and she opens our suite. We walk into the main room, and it feels as though Shade and I have already been here. The room is heavily decorated - pictures and portraits dot the walls, there’s a human-sized couch against one of the walls, next to a similarly sized coffee table. Various odd knickknacks are placed around the room.

I wander through the suite and find three bedrooms, clearly decorated with Shade, Silhouette, and myself in mind. Shade's room is full of toys and games, and she hurries past me to start playing with them. There are a lot of books in my room, and random pieces of technology, too. Silhouette’s room also contains a fair amount of books, along with other study material.

All three rooms have a large desk in them, and on each desk is a note explaining the function of things around the suite. For instance, each desk also holds a candle whose flame is enchanted to send letters, the way Spike’s dragon breath works.

I walk back into the main room to meet Sunset Shimmer, and Shade runs out of her room.

“This place looks like it’s meant for a lifetime stay instead of just a few days!” she cries with glee. Glad to see she’s feeling more relaxed.

Sunset smiles at her. “We just want to make sure you’re comfortable here.”

We sit on the couch, and I can confirm that I am quite comfortable. Shade and I listen as Sunset explains how she came live in Equestria.

"So, now you're just as stuck here as the pony you is stuck in your world?" I ask.

"Yes, I’m afraid it’s too late to switch back. She's already revealed where she came from, and apparently Princess Twilight has banished her to my world. At least, that’s what I heard. So we're stuck in each others lives. That's nothing compared to you, though. I mean, abducted and stuck here as an alien experiment?"

I see Celestia has been talking about me. "Don't even know who, what, or why. Just stuck here, from a somewhat different Earth than yours. I'm just glad that my shape shifting host didn't kill me. Technically, I'm the parasite."

"A situation we believe we’ve found the remedy to," Celestia says, entering the suite with Luna behind her.

“A remedy?” I ask. “What do you mean?”

Princess Luna smiles. “We’ve been researching a spell that physically duplicates a pony, a very useful spell if somepony suffers from having a split personality. We should be able to use this spell to remove Jake from Silhouette, giving them both a physical form of their own.”

Shade jumps onto the coffee table. "Does this mean I get a big sister?!" Luna nods, her smile growing bigger. “Then let’s do it!”

Celestia pouts. “I wonder when I'll get any otherworldly adoptive children."

"Only time will tell, sister. I certainly hope you receive some - I can't keep adopting them all." The sisters giggle together. Then Celestia looks down at me.

“Jacob. Stand and move to the center of the room.” Slowly, I do as they ask. I wasn’t expecting this when we were invited to Canterlot. My palms are clammy.

"Be aware,” Celestia continues, “that there will be some pain when we cast the spell. After all, we are separating the two of you who are so tightly bound together." I nod and clench my teeth. The princesses horns glow as they channel their magic.

Perhaps this is how Shade felt when she was receiving her permanent form. My heart is racing, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I can hear Silhouette’s pulse too. Then it happens. I am blinded by a white light, and I feel a searing pain throughout my entire body. I’m reminded of my entrance into Equestria, though instead of falling through a black void, I’m swimming in blinding light.

It doesn’t last long, and I soon find myself on the ground, my vision slowly returning to me. I sit up, and I don’t feel much different. But then I look to my left, and I see Silhouette, examining herself.

Her anthropomorphic form has my cheeks reddening quickly. Her paws trail along her curvaceous torso and down her long, slender legs. When she stands, we all step back. She must be seven feet tall, at least, and I know that this isn’t even her true form. The princesses smile at her, though I can see they’re intimidated. Sunset Shimmer nearly cowers on the couch, but Shade bounds about the room with delight, even running between Silhouette’s legs. Japan, what have you done to me?

Silhouette looks toward me, then scoops me up in a hug. "We're separate, Jake! I can move of my own will! You're not eating up my energy reserves! I'm free to learn and grow at my own pace!” My feet dangle above the ground, and my arms go numb where she’s squeezing them. “Our minds are separate! We’re free."

Suddenly her grip on me loosens. I understand what she’s thinking. As two separate beings, I won’t be around to guide her whenever she needs my help. She’ll be forced to coexist with everypony, rather than hide in the back of my mind, or look to me for an answer. Her arms hold me tighter again, like she’s afraid she’ll lose me if she lets go.

"This is going to take some getting used too," she muttered.

“No kidding,” I respond. I wait respectfully for Miss Hourglass to release me, but my cheeks only grow redder. The awkward barrier can-nay take any more captain!

I’m standing on our balcony, peering into the courtyard where Luna is giving Shade a flying lesson. Silhouette has gone off with Sunset Shimmer, who had a lot of questions for the shape shifter, after she got over her initial fear. To make things easier for her, Silhouette attempted to change into a pony, but it’s not nearly as good as her anthropomorphic form.

My mind is wandering. The princesses were so quick to come up with spells to bring Shade to life and to separate Silhouette and me, but why haven't they come up with a spell to get me home? Are they even working on it? Are they trying to keep me here?

"Ah, here you are,” Celestia says, coming to stand next to me. “What's wrong my newest nephew? You seem down."

I sigh. "It's just you found those spells so quickly, but it feels like I'll never get home."

"I see.” She watches her sister and Shade, but doesn’t seem to know what else to say. So I speak again.

"It's not just that either. I've been adopted into your family, and that scares me. It makes me feel more and more like I'm trapped here. It almost seems as if...you're keeping me here on purpose."

Celestia closes her eyes. "It may seem that way to you, but Luna, Twilight, and I are still looking. Opening dimensions is something only Starswirl the Bearded ever accomplished. Perhaps Discord is capable, but I would sooner trust a dragon to give up his treasure than Discord to safely send you home.” I rest my elbows on the railing and press my forehead into my palm. “Come along,” Celestia says, turning to go back inside. “It is time for dinner. Perhaps you can show us more of your entertainment on your laptop later."

"Sure."

So ends yet another day in Equestria.

Chapter 19: The Moon's Shadow

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 20: Finding a Reason

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 20

Finding a Reason

We make our way down the castle halls and toward my personal study. It will be much easier to explain there. I glance over at them. They walk behind me, chatting idly and even laughing. This won’t be easy.

I certainly wasn’t expecting him to become a part of the family when he first arrived. And then to receive two more family members because of him. As much as this news will pain him, I must admit that I find it to be a relief. I’m glad he’s stranded with us, though that must be terrible of me. It hurts too much to be separated from family. Even Blueblood, as uptight as he is, would devastate me if anything happened to him.

However, being trapped here means he will have to bear that burden himself. Even more than he already has been. I know it’s been gnawing away at him since his arrival.

My magic opens the door and I usher them inside, laying out cushions on the floor. I’ve always thought it strange how Jake is so tall, even taller than myself. Yet when he sits, he becomes so small. It’s the same with Silhouette, massive as she is. According to Twilight, in fact, she is too big in reality.

His laughter brings me back to the situation at hoof. It’s time to tell him, and I must not put it off any longer.

“Jake,” I start, the two of them looking toward me. My heart pounds. I close my eyes. Pretend he’s not there. “As promised, we searched as hard as we could to find a way to get you home. But as you feared, we've found that there simply isn’t a way.” I breathe in, breathe out.

“I'm sorry."

I open my eyes. He sits there, staring back. He may not be saying anything, but I can see what's happening. His eyes dull, his fingers twitch.

"I understand,” he says. I was expecting some crying, maybe some shouting. It would be better than this. He stands up and leaves the room.

Silhouette looks at the tiled floor in front of us. Her ears are folded back and her wolf-like snout quivers. "Silhouette, you're not leaving with him?” I ask. “I thought you were having separation anxiety."

She looks up at me, tears trapped in the fur around her eyes. She pulls her knees to her chest. "I can stay with others. It's not easy but..." She puts her head on her knees, tears streaming all the faster. “Just now...even before he left, it felt as though he wasn’t there.”

My eyes widen. I spread my wings and rush into the hall. I can still see him, though he’s made some distance.

“Jake!”

He doesn’t respond, he just keeps moving.

I gallop after him, reaching him as soon as possible. The sound of padded feet tells me that Silhouette is following.

“Jake, listen to me. I know that it’s hard, but you must not give up. You still have a life to live, even if it’s here with us, instead of at home with the ones you love.” He just continues walking, so I step in front of him and rear up, grabbing him with my forelegs, wrapping him in a hug. He stops walking, but he doesn't do anything else. I look into his eyes and see what Silhouette meant. He’s in a daze, I can barely hear him breathing.

I let him go and move out of his way. We follow him into their suite, watching as he goes to his room and sits in the desk chair, staring off into space. Silhouette and I lie on his bed, waiting for him to come back to us.

Perhaps now is a good time to learn more about my newest niece.

I look over at her. She's resting her head on her forearms now, looking straight at Jake, her ears still flat, tears still slowly coming.

"Silhouette?" She looks at me for a moment, then her skin and clothing start to change. Her form ripples and converges in on itself. She gets smaller, until she's only slightly larger than a foal. Her form is a feral version of her usual one. I wonder what she'd refer to herself as in this form, a pup or a cub? Silhouette sidles up to me, weeping softly.

I rest one of my wings over her, drawing her closer. Come back, Jake. There's plenty who need you here.

Over the next few hours, Silhouette and I learn much about each other. For instance, at her true size, even as a cub or pup, she would be the one holding me to her chest. I taught her about Equestria, its history and its denizens. The whole time, Jake sat in the same spot, in the same position, not moving except to breathe or blink. It was truly as if his mind shut down.

Sunset Shimmer and Shade walk into the room at last, their eyes as red as ours. Shade runs to Jake immediately, making to jump onto his lap, which finally elicits a response from him. His arms move, allowing her up, and he swivels the chair to give her more room. His eyes find some of their color again as his sister wraps her forelegs around his neck, nuzzling him.

You see Jake? There are reasons for you to be here.

Author's Note

Sorry for the short length of the chapter.

If anyone wants to do chapter art, please feel free to do so. Oh, and PM it to me if you do so I can place it within the chapter, and put your profile name in the author's notes to give you the credit you deserve if you do so. I mean, if you want to that is, it's good advertisement, I think.

Chapter 21: Return to Ponyville

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 21

Return to Ponyville

Sunlight pours through the train window and into my tired eyes. I barely notice, though, as I think about all that has happened.

Though we had all become accustomed to our suite in Canterlot, Princess Celestia thought it better for us to return to Ponyville. I don’t see how trading a private bedroom for a cramped library is an improvement, but who am I to argue with a pony princess... who's also my aunt.

Shade wasn’t happy to leave - surprisingly, as she was so against going to Canterlot in the first place. We were walking to the train station when we noticed that the filly wasn’t with us, and so we backtracked to the castle and found her nuzzling her mother, soaking Luna’s coat in tears.

Silhouette, on the other hoof, is excited to return. She wants to see Twilight and the others and show off her independent body. On the train, she sits next to me in her newly developed pony form. Her body is a light grey, while her mane is a darker grey with white and black streaks. Her cutie mark is a silhouette, of course, but it changes depending on her mood. I’ve seen it depict a singing bird when she was happy, and a growling wolf when she was mad. I try not to stare at her flank, but I can’t help but admire her creativity.

She also seems to have trouble deciding on a single pony type. Sometimes she’ll grow wings to become a pegasus, other times she’ll have a horn, and she’ll even go as an alicorn - though that tends to draw more attention than desired.

The train finally comes to a stop in Ponyville, and when we exit onto the platform we are greeted by Twilight and friends. Shade runs up to the Cutie Mark Crusaders and the four go off to hop around the station. The Mane Six glance awkwardly at Sil, and I realize Celestia must not have told them about what happened.

Silhouette grins at everypony and puffs out her chest. “You guys, it’s me,” she says, full of pride.

Jaws drop, and Pinkie Pie lets out a huge gasp. She jumps onto Sil and wraps her forelegs around her neck. “Silhouette, Silhouette!”

“You’re independent now?” Twilight asks, a smile growing on her face.

“Now we can go pranking together whenever we want!” Pinkie squeals, tightening her grip on Sil.

“Totally, Pinkie!” she replies, hugging her back.

I smile at the two, but then something occurs to me. If they didn’t know about me and Sil, then I’m sure Celestia didn’t tell them about our other piece of news either. Fluttershy notices me standing silently, now staring at my shoes.

“Is something wrong, Jake?” she asks, drawing the others’ attention.

Silhouette glances at me as I grow pale. She puts a hoof around me and says, “Oh, he’s just a little lonely now that we’re apart. You know - separation anxiety.”

The others nod, and step closer.

“Don’t you fret, my dear,” Rarity croons. “We’re here for you.”

“That’s right,” Applejack says. “You’re never alone, sugar cube.”

They continue to comfort me, and I try to smile, but my thoughts keep drifting to my future. All my plans dashed to pieces. I look around the train station and see my new life. New friends, new family, new job.

“Come on, everypony,” Twilight says. “We can talk more at the library.”

I’ll have to tell them eventually. They’re the only ones who could help me put the pieces of my future back in place.

However, it's still a rather typical day in Ponyville. Ponies wandering about, doing their jobs and going on with their daily lives. I spot Lyra who seems rather down, at least until she sees me, and it almost looks like she's going to come talk to me, instead she looks to Bon Bon, who shakes her head and says something to her that freaks her out, and Bonbon stands smirking. She's planning something, obviously it has to do with Lyra and I. The implications can only be bad.

Back at the library, the ponies sit around the little table, sharing details about our respective adventures. I lean against some books in the corner and watch them, listlessly. Rainbow Dash is surprisingly and excessively gushing over this musical they saw in Manehattan, when Silhouette looks over at me.

She bites her lip. “Jake, maybe you should just tell them.”

The others look at her, then at me. I sigh and step forward, trying to find the words.

“Come on, Jake, just spill the beans!” Pinkie Pie says. She dashes to the kitchen and runs back with a big, open can of beans, placing it in my hands.

I look down at it, then say, “Oh, what the heck.” The beans slop out of the can and onto the floor, much to Twilight’s dismay.

Pinkie Pie looks deep into the pile of beans. “Oh. Those beans are sad,” she whispers. Twilight rolls her eyes and uses her magic to make the beans disappear.

“Well, now that Pinkie Pie knows what’s going on, Jake,” Rarity says, “why don’t you share with the rest of us?”

I take a deep breath, deciding to just get it over with. “Princess Celestia hasn’t found a way to send me back home.” I look at Sil, but her eyes are on the ground. “And she doesn’t think she’s going to find a way. So, I’m...stuck here.”

Everypony is silent; I can’t even tell if they’re upset or relieved by my news.

"Does this mean you'll start dating ponies?" Sweetie Belle asks from across the room.

"Sweetie Belle, I’ve already stipulated my rules to your sister and Pinkie Pie, you can ask one of them," I shout back.

I’m sitting on a park bench. Everypony is adjusting to the news, I suppose, giving me the chance to sit in peace. I tried earlier to distract myself from the truth by playing video games, but they couldn’t help. Watching the ponies around me isn't helping though, yet another reminder of being trapped here.

I hear hoof steps and look in their direction. Lyra and BonBon are trotting in my direction. Lyra and I make eye contact, and she halts and turns her tail toward me. Bon Bon’s face contorts grotesquely as she glares at her friend. Then she glares at me. I turn my head in the opposite direction.

But when I glance back, Bon Bon is sitting next to me on the bench, the same look on her face. I peek past her and see Lyra sitting in the middle of the street, her eyes full of tears and her mouth wide open. I look back at Bon Bon.

"Okay, human,” she says. “I'm gonna make this quick. Lyra's got a huge crush on you and she isn't doing anything about it, so I've decided to force her hoof." She looks at me with a sly smirk.

"I'm not liking where this is going."

"Hey, I've tried everything else,” she groans. “I want her to come out of her shell, so I’m not going to ask you out for her.”

I sigh in relief.

“Instead, I thought I’d play the rival.” My mind goes blank. “At least then she’d stop telling me about her midnight fantasies."

"Midnight what?" I repeat.

"But I suppose it won’t make her take down her shrine to you." I feel the blood drain from my face.

"So, tomorrow night,” Bon Bon orders. “At the fancy restaurant by the spa.” She stands up and sings, “See you at eight, and don't be late!" Then she’s inches from my face, her teeth clenched. "Or else!"

Everypony’s still at the library when I burst through the front door. I close the door just as quickly and press myself against it. Slowly, I check out the window to make sure I wasn’t followed.

"Jake? What is it, darling?” Rarity asks, dropping a hoof file. “You act as though somepony's out to get you."

"They are!" I reply, looking around for a good hiding place. I run over to the table and dive behind it.

"Who's they?" Dash asks from above me.

Applejack walks around the table. “What in tarnation has got you all worked up, Jake?”

"Lyra and Bon Bon!” I say. “Lyra has this huge crush on me or something, and earlier Bon Bon-”

"Lyra and Jakie sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Pinkie Pie hops around us. I glare at her.

Twilight clears her throat. “That’s all this is about? A simple crush?”

Pinkie stops in front of her. “Oh, it’s more than just a crush,” she says. “I hear the two of them talking all the time at Sugarcube Corner. You should hear about Lyra’s dirty dreams!”

I put my hands over my ears, but their voices still break through.

“Oh, Rarity!” Pinkie gasps. “I should tell you about them so you can write them down in that notebook you have!”

Rarity blushes and tries not to look at me. “Ahahaha, Pinkie Pie, darling. Whatever are you talking about?”

“Come on, tell him about it!”

Now everypony has their eyes on her. “There’s nothing to tell, really!” she says. “Just a little...romance novel I’m working on. There’s certainly nothing obscene in it, though, Pinkie!”

Pinkie snorts in response, and I can tell I didn’t get the whole story. But I got the picture. I wish I knew where Twilight kept the bleach.

“As I was saying,” I mutter, “Bon Bon just straight up threatened to do something awful to me if I don’t show up tomorrow!”

“Show up to what?” Twilight asks.

I look around at the confused ponies, and I sigh again before forcing myself to admit it.

“To...a date.” I hang my head, defeated.

Amidst the expected laughter is an unexpected gasp, and I look up to see Rainbow Dash, whose cyan fur has turned rather red around her face.

“What is it, Rainbow?” Applejack asks.

The pegasus looks away from us, then turns back with a crooked smile. She laughs strangely. “Oh, nothing! I was just...so surprised! About the date. With Bon Bon.”

Rarity smirks at Rainbow. “Well, now, Miss Dash. There’s no hiding from us - or at least not from me.” Rarity looks around at all of us, but nopony seems to understand what’s happening. “Isn’t it obvious? Rainbow Dash has developed intimate feelings for Equestria’s only human!”

I groan, though luckily quiet enough for nopony to hear.

“What?!” Pinkie Pie cries, jumping in front of Rainbow and pushing her muzzle up to hers. “I didn’t know about this, Dashie! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know either,” Fluttershy says. “I always thought you liked somepony in the Wonderbolts. I’m sorry for assuming.”

Rainbow Dash’s smile skews even more. “Hey now, I never said-”

“Oh, come now, Rainbow,” Rarity says. “This is clearly all a result of that false date I put you two on.” She lets out a squeal. “Who knew I was such a successful matchmaker pony?”

“Now, wait a second!” I say. Who decided that Rainbow and I were a match?!

Applejack comes around to my side and speaks up. “I sure wasn’t expecting this, neither. Honestly, I figured Twilight would have some feelings for Jake, considering he’s been living with her for so long now.”

I groan again, and we all turn to Twilight, who’s twiddling her forehooves.

“Well, it may be possible that I have...certain emotions…regarding Jacob,” she mumbles. Suddenly she turns bright red and summons a large book from the shelf behind me. “I’ll have to do some research on my symptoms before I come to any conclusions.” She turns her back on us and hides her face in the book.

Why was I the one chosen to live all these brony dreams?

Rarity turns to me. “Anyway, it seems that Bon Bon isn’t going to let you skip your date tomorrow. I shall start planning your outfit immediately!” As I’m facepalming, she squeals again. “Oh, this is all giving me wonderful ideas for a real romance novel! One stallion, four mares. Three are already interested in him, and how long will it take the fourth to follow suit?” She leans onto Fluttershy, putting a hoof to her forehead. “Which mare will get the stallion? And how long before his barriers break down and he succumbs to his soul mare?”

"Instead of all that, can’t one of you think of a way out of all this?" I finally ask, my own cheeks blushing. “Please!”

“Oh, I know a way!” Pinkie says, bouncing up between Rarity and Fluttershy.

I sigh, but it seems like my best bet. “Okay, Pinkie. What’s your plan?”

"Well, it involves this!" From her mane she pulls a huge cake, in perfect condition - not even a hair in the frosting. ”And this waterproof flashlight!” she continues, pulling a flashlight out of a hole in Twilight’s wall.

“One of these days, you’re going to have to explain how you do these things, Pinkie Pie,” I whisper, in awe of her strange feats.

“You may just find out today, Jake!”

“What do you mean? What…” I look her in the eye, “...is your plan, exactly?”

She grins and sings, “Haven’t you always wondered where I fit all the food I eat?”

Suddenly Twilight drops her book and runs to me. “If you’re going, then I’m going with you! A scientific expedition inside a Pinkius Pieicus?! How can I pass that up?!”

I see Rarity wink at Applejack. Twi sees it, too. “This is not a date,” she says, her forehead creasing. “It’s for science! Finally a chance to learn how Pinkie works!”

Author's Note

Anyone want to do a Lyra's Pov version of this?

Hmm, date night with Bon Bon or finding out how Pinkie Pie works from the inside? Decisions, decisions.

Chapter 22: Not Quite a Scientific Expedition

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 22

Not Quite a Scientific Expedition

I feel rapid poking on my cheek, and through sleep-filled eyes I see Twilight’s hoof. Then I see her face, most of which is covered with a grin.

“Today’s the day!” she squeals. “Only a few more hours before departure,” she adds, materializing a clock in front of my face. I notice that the hands of the clock are quickly turning toward an image of Pinkie Pie, about to swallow an enormous cake in one bite.

Twilight rubs her hooves together, giggling in excitement. “Pinkie Pie has always been a mystery to me, but today we finally discover her secrets. Woohoo!” She gallops away, that grin high in the air.

“Come on, sleepyhead!” she calls over her shoulder. “You’ve still got to get ready!”

“All I have to do is shower,” I call back, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. “You packed everything we’d need for a month-long stay last night.”

She returns to my side in a flash. “Two months, actually. I’ve waited so long for an opportunity like this, we can’t possibly leave until I learn SOMETHING about her.”

“I’m only going to stay as long as I have to, Twilight.”

She crouches down and pouts her lip. “Oh, there’s no way it would take longer than that, Jake. I’m sure I’ll find at least something. Even a few minor discoveries would be enough…” I raise an eyebrow. She lets out a huge groan before saying, “Okay, I get it! As long as we need to, then discovery or no, we leave.”

"Pinkie Promise?"

She sighs and goes through the motions. "Can you get ready now?"

"One question, Twilight,” I say. “how long is a while too you?"

She smiles up at me slyly. "Long enough."

"We're going to be in there until the supplies run out, aren't we?"

She simply smirks at me and canters off.

The time has arrived, and Twilight and I walk through the doors at Sugarcube Corner. I see Bon Bon at the counter, and Twilight nudges my side. I look down at her and she winks at me.

“Oh please,” I groan. She laughs, and then points past the counter, where Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are waiting, next to a very large cake. Then I notice a red X on the floor, a couple feet in front of us. I look at Twilight again, and she gives me that grin.

We step forward onto the X. Fluttershy taps Rainbow’s shoulder and she looks over to see that we’re ready. The two pegasi lift the cake off the ground and fly toward the door.

“Oh, hi Jake!” Rainbow says loudly, attracting Bon Bon’s attention. She waves at me when she sees me, and I swear I see her blow me a kiss before I’m blinded by cake.

“Woops!” I hear Rainbow’s muffled voice. “Fluttershy, you butterhooves!”

“Don’t worry, you two,” Fluttershy says. “We’ll get you out of there.”

I feel Twilight shaking beside me. “Can you hear it?” she asks.

I’m about to ask her what she means, but then I do hear it. The tell-tale squeak of Pinkie’s hops.

"Oooh, cake! Yummy!"

Suddenly we’re airborne. The cake splits apart as it falls again, just in time for us to see Pinkie’s ridiculously stretched mouth - and then we’re inside.

Pinkie Pie’s tongue rolls us toward the back of her mouth, and I finally realize something. We might not survive this adventure.

I face Twilight, seeing her in the dark pink light of Pinkie’s throat, cringing in the same fear. “Twi, listen. We might not make it out of this, so I just want you to know...as much as I wanted to get back home, I’m glad I ended up here.” I feel my eyes tearing up. “I’m glad I got stuck in a world with friends like you!”

I turn back to our destination, and I feel her hoof on my arm. When I look at her again, she presses her furry lips against mine. My heart leaps, and I want to pull away - but I figure if we’re going to die anyway…

I return the kiss and hold her closely, until we drop onto cushiony ground area. The cake is crumbled around us, and a strange pink glow fills the air as Pinkie’s stomach grows - or we shrink. Then the surroundings start to tremble, and a roaring sound echoes across the area, passing over us. Twilight and I sit there, awaiting the end.

Then Pinkie burps. As she lets out a sigh of contentment, it’s apparent that nothing bad is going to happen to us. A deep blush comes to my cheeks.

“Uhm,” Twilight says, similarly blushing. “About what just happened…”

"Say no more, we both thought we were gonna die."

"I know. I just hope this doesn’t change anything."

"Twilight, people do strange things when they think they’re going to die.” I scratch my neck, hoping she’ll let the topic go. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really,” she giggles, nervously. “I mean, it's not like it would get me anywhere."

I sit in silence for a second, then cover my eyes with my hand. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?"

“Look,” she says, facing me. “All of us have some amount of feelings for you. I know about your position on this, but it’s just a fact."

I sigh. "Yeah, I know. Eventually I’m sure I’ll get used to it, since I'm stuck here and all. I guess it'll just take time."

"Some of us just wish time would go faster."

I feel my blush returning. "We'd better get our stuff set up, since it seems we're going to be okay after all."

We wander about looking for a place to set up camp; Pinkie Pie’s stomach gently pulses and moves under our feet. This living world around us is filled with noise, from Pinkie's heartbeat and her breathing, to her giggles and small talk.

As we go, Twilight collects samples of Pinkie, and I think she only decides on a spot to pitch our tents because she soon has too many samples to carry. We’re putting up our tents when something from the outside presses against the wall of Pinkie’s stomach. Soon it’s clear that it’s Pinkie’s own face.

"Hi Jake! Hi Twilight! I found you!"

"Hey Pinkie,” I say. “How did things go on your end?"

She giggles. "Besides you guys and the cake being super delicious? You guys really missed out. Bon Bon was shocked when I ate you guys. She nearly fainted! How are you guys doing?"

"About as well as could be expected inside a stomach," Twilight says.

"How are you enjoying your date with Jake?"

Twilight freezes with a blush on her face. "It's not a date Pinkie! It’s a scientific expedition!”

"Jakie and Twilight sitting in me, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Pinkie giggles gleefully. I groan and rub the back of my head. “Don’t worry, Jake! I’m sure we’ll find a way to make you a pony. Then it’ll be okay, right? What kind of pony do you think you’d be? I hope you’re an Earth pony like me! Ooh, but a pegasus would be really cool, too! I know Rainbow would like that! What kind do you think-”

I finish setting up my tent and zip myself up inside it, trying to drown her out.

Twilight and I sit together, watching the pink light swirl around the lining of Pinkie’s stomach.

"Looks like it's going to be a while before I find out anything new besides the whole stomach shrink magic thing,” she says.

"I hope we grow back to normal when we leave."

"If we don't, I have a spell I could use."

"Hopefully you mean to use it on both of us."

"Why would I - oh!” She turns to me. “I wouldn't do that to you! You're my friend! Even if you weren’t, that’d be horrible."

I sigh. "You said all of you have feelings for me?"

She looks back up into the light. "To varying degrees, yes. Applejack won’t act on her feelings unless you turn into a pony. She’s like you in that regard.” I suppose that’s a relief. “As for Pinkie Pie and Rarity, they tease you about it a lot, I've noticed, so they probably like you a lot. You already know about Rainbow and myself. I’m not sure about Fluttershy, though. She could like you as a friend, or she could feel about you like Lyra does. You know how Fluttershy is.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Just know, Jake, that we still all want to be your friends, whether or not you return our feelings."

I nod slowly. "Thanks, Twilight."

Author's Note

Anyone who was looking forward to the Bon Bon date thing, well, this action only really delayed it so...

Chapter 23: A Quite Chaotic Day

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 23

A Quite Chaotic Day

It's been a few days since Twilight and I exited the anomaly Pinkie Pie. It took six showers to wash off the smell of cake frosting, and the harsh light stung my eyes - having spent so much time in the soft, pink glow of Pinkie’s stomach. Not surprisingly, Twilight kept us in there for two months. Two whole months spent examining Pinkie’s digestive system. The fact that we survived is proof that her stomach has an IFF feature. Twilight jokingly named the phenomenon “Identify Friend or Food.”

The group talked with us while we were inside Pinkie, like someone talking to an unborn child through its mother’s belly. Life wasn’t difficult to readjust to because of this. One thing that bothered me, though, was finding out about Pinkie’s demeanor while we were inside her. Apparently, Rainbow Dash walked into her room to find her on her back, seemingly in a trance. With a strange smile on her face, she was rubbing her belly.

When she saw Rainbow, she bounced up and laughed it off, but now it seems she really wants to eat me again. Worse yet, she must have told Silhouette about whatever pleasure she received from having us in her stomach, and now both of them stare at me, gesturing to their bellies while chomping their teeth. When I tell them to knock it off, the two just giggle and run away.

Fortunately, Princess Cadence is coming to Ponyville today. She and Twilight will be going to some kind of magic convention, and Shade and Sil are spending time with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, leaving me peacefully at home.

At the train station, we say goodbye to Fluttershy, who’s going to observe these rare creatures called Breezies. As her train leaves, Princess Cadence’s arrives. Twilight squeals beside me, but I can’t bring myself to be excited about meeting more royalty, not with the fact that I'll never be able to get home still running through my mind.

The pink princess exits her train and bows to Twilight. The two start chatting immediately, and so I decide to postpone my introduction and head for the library to catch up on some well-earned gaming.

As I cross the street, something catches my eye. A lamp post canters past me. I turn and watch it leave, scratching my head. “What on Earth?” I say, before remembering that I’m not on Earth. Even so, though, lamp posts don’t just get up and walk in Equestria either. Not without a spell, anyway.

The lamp swings a foot around and starts back toward me. The pieces fall into place.

“Hello, Discord,” I say with a groan.

The lamp grows a mouth as it bends toward me. “Why, Jacob. Here we haven’t even met, and yet you recognize little old me? How delightful.”

“Back off, Discord,” I say, shoving his lamp lips away and turning back to the library. “I’m not in the mood today.” I literally have a million better things that I could be doing.

The lamp disappears and Discord reappears in front of me, completely blue. “Oh, I’m hurt! How could you think so ill of me when you haven’t even met me?” Suddenly, he’s lying on a hospital gurney, an iv hooked up to his lion arm. “Actually, maybe this will help me.”

“How could I help you?” I mutter.

“Not you, you strange little creature. Going to the hospital. Clearly I am very, very ill.” He puts a claw to his forehead and passes out on the ground. I walk around him and continue on.

“Now that I think about it,” he says, appearing in front of me again, “there is a way you could help me, dear Jacob.”

“How delightful,” I groan. He smiles down at me.

“My good friend Fluttershy has been writing to me about you. I recall her using words like, “terrifying” and “cruel” and “torture.” Any ideas what would make her say that?”

I think back and the only thing that comes to mind is the first night I spent with the ponies. When we all watched...Jurassic Park…

“There you go, I think you remember.” Discord wraps an arm around my shoulders, and a lengthy piece of parchment appears in his paw. “Sorry to say this, but you’re on my hit list.”

“I’m on the hit list of a Q ripoff. Great.”

“Excuse me?!” Discord recoils, his list disappearing. “Looks like someone’s just made it to the top of the list! If anyone is a ripoff, it must be this Q person you speak of. One letter? How juvenile.”

The clouds above us rumble, and I feel the skin on the back of my neck prickle. “Interesting,” a voice murmurs around us. “I hear my name uttered in some backwater dimension that should have no knowledge of the Q, and this is what I find. A late twentieth century human and a pseudo-omnipotent being who looks like he was constructed out of last night’s leftovers.”

Discord stands up straight. “Leftovers?! I beg your pardon, but I am Discord, Master of Chaos!”

“Of course you are,” the voice continues. “Now, it seems a more appropriate setting is in order. A place so colorful and childish is hardly fitting for the upcoming discussion."

Light rains down from the clouds above us, and Ponyville disappears. We find ourselves in Q’s judgment hall, with none other than Q sitting on his throne. Luckily for us, the usual audience is missing.

“First order of business: Discord. You have claimed that I, the all-powerful Q, am nothing more than your ripoff. For this heinous act of blasphemy, how do you plead?”

"Plead?" Discord prods me with one of his talons. "What’s going on?"

"Apparently he didn't like your insults just as much as you didn't like mine. Now he's the judge, and you're on trial."

"Oh, is that all?” he says, facing Q. “Well, Mr. Q, I’ve had a wonderful time. But I’m afraid I have some business to attend to back in Ponyville, so we’ll just have to sort this out later.”

Discord snaps his paw, but nothing happens. Q and I watch quietly. He tries again, with the same results. “Hm, well, that should’ve worked.”

Q clears his throat. “It’s settled then. Be thankful I find you to be nothing more than an infinitesimal speck, not worthy of the effort it would take to punish. You may return to your dimension.” A jolly grin appears on Discord’s face. “However, if this incident occurs again, you’ll find yourself as a brick in the wall of that dreary castle ruin in that silly little forest.” Discord’s smile vanishes. “Oh, and I’ll be taking over your revenge case regarding this human here. Whatever you come up with will surely be nothing more than a paltry joke.”

Discord opens his mouth to protest, but Q snaps his fingers and he disappears in a flash of light.

I feel sweat beading up on my forehead. Q turns to me. “Your fears are justified, Jake. Fortunately, I will find this quite entertaining.”

Another flash of light and Q and I are in a vast room, overlooking a rich, tropical jungle.

“Recognize this place?” I look at him, my throat dry. “You should, but maybe a different standpoint would help.”

Another flash, and we’re in a decrepit hotel room. I spot a dusty pamphlet on an end table and my heart stops. The pamphlet displays the Jurassic Park logo - the real Jurassic Park is out there. The failed Dinosaur theme park. I collapse against a crackling wall and grasp my chest.

“There’s the response I wanted. Don’t worry, this is just a little pocket plane I’ve created. If I had dropped you in the real Jurassic Park, you’d be raptor chow already. Now, I’ve brought another here too. A certain yellow pegasus. She’s already out in the jungle. I’d go out to find her, if I were you. Don’t want the poor, scared thing out in a place like this all on her own, do we?”

Dust and dirt are kicked up as I run out of the room and down the hall.

“She’s closer than you think,” Q’s voice echoes around me. “Take a left, then a right, and go on into the room at the end of the hall.

In my panic, I follow his instructions, ending up in a dining room. Busted tables and chairs are strewn about, and against one wall is a line of vending machines.

“Oh, uhm,” a soft voice says from somewhere in the room. “Hellooooo, Jake. Welcome to my spooooooky paaaaarty!”

My heartbeat slowly returns to normal. I should have expected something like this.

“Oh no! It looks like nopony else is heeeere. What could have happened to all the guests? So spooooooky.”

Since this is all my punishment seems to be, I decide to get a drink to relieve my dry throat. I walk over to the vending machines.

“It looks like the powers out! You can't get the soda you waaaaaant! Ooooooh!"

"Fluttershy, remind me to never let you DM," I call out. I hear Q chuckle a bit.

“Jake, you must be tired from running,” Fluttershy continues. “Why don’t you take a seeeeat?”

I look around at the broken furniture. "Oh dear,” Fluttershy says. “All the tables and chairs - how will you ever sit dooooown?"

“That’s it,” Q’s voice echoes. “I’m taking matters into my own hands.”

Fluttershy squeals, her sweet, high voice lowering, turning into a growl at the end. At the same time, one of the doors begins to shudder as something bashes against it, making very familiar calls, raptor calls.

“Oh my!”

“Fluttershy, where are you?” I call out.

“Over here, Jake! The window!”

I look over to the window, but I don’t see her. Sweat returns to my forehead, and the only action that seems rational to me is to continue running through the window. I bust through the glass, falling into a dark and slimy pit.

“What is this?! Fluttershy?” She doesn’t respond, but I feel myself moving, though I’m sitting on a moist and bumpy kind of ground.

After a while, the moving stops and I fall from the pit onto grass. In the daylight I can see what I was just sitting in. Above me is a pale yellow Tyrannosaurus Rex with pink markings on its head and tail.

“Fluttershy?” I whisper.

The T. Rex nods at me, lowering her head to my level. “Can you help me with this, please?” she asks, sticking her tongue out. I see a few shards of glass stuck in her tongue, little red puddles around them. This must have happened when I jumped through the window.

“Sorry,” I say, gently tugging the pieces out. She flinches softly, little gasps escaping her massive throat.

“Oh, thank you, Jake,” she says after I remove the last shard. She nuzzles me carefully, in gratitude.

“Please, can we dispense with the affection?” Q says from somewhere in the treetops. “Surely, Jacob, you’ve figured out that Fluttershy here is supposed to scare you. Myself, I’ve figured out that such a task is nearly impossible for such a creature. However, in order to be properly punished, it is necessary that Fluttershy take her revenge. She must scare you intentionally, to the point that you may void your bladder in fear.”

I let out a groan as Fluttershy glances at me, already more afraid than I am.

“I just wanted to see the Breezies,” she whispers to me.

“There will be time for that later,” Q says. “You will not be leaving this park until you successfully terrify this human. Now, I have my own business to attend to. Maybe this time Janeway will finally give in to my desires…” His voice trails off, and we can tell that he’s left us.

I look at Fluttershy. “I think we’re in trouble.

She hums in agreement. Then her stomach rumbles, shaking the ground beneath me. Before I realize it, I’m standing thirty feet away from her.

She blushes. “Sorry. I am kind of hungry.” She takes a two steps toward me, closing the gap easily. “Don’t worry, Jake! I would never eat you. Well, unless I knew you’d be safe. Like, if I had Pinkie Pie’s magic stomach. Jake, do you think I have a magic stomach like Pink-”

“Let’s test it later,” I say quickly. “But Fluttershy, you are a carnivore now. If you want to eat, you’re going to have to hunt something down.”

“Oh no!” she cries. “I could never! I’d rather starve! Oh, Jake, I don’t like it here. It’s scary and I’m scary!”

“There’s only one way to solve this,” I say. “You have to scare me.”

“But I can’t do that! You heard me back at the hotel. I was pathetic.”

“You’re a T. Rex now, Fluttershy.” A yellow one, but scary nonetheless. “I don’t think it will be that hard.”

“Oh...alright,” she concedes. “But let’s find somewhere safe, first. I don’t like this jungle at all, and it looks like it’s going to be night soon.”

She lowers her body to the ground, and I climb up her scales onto her back. “If you don’t want to camp here, you could always just do something to scare me,” I tell her.

I feel her body shiver under my suggestion. “I’m too scared to be scary!”

We find a dry cave, big enough to fit both of us. In the light of our campfire, Fluttershy looks at me with a frown.

“Did that Q person tell you if there are other dinosaurs here besides me?”

My heart stops again. “Well, he didn’t not say that.”

“Where are you going to sleep?” she asks, her eyes widening. “I know I’ll be fine, but what about you?”

“Maybe if I just lean up against you, I’ll be safe.”

“But what if something still comes for you? I just couldn’t let you get eaten all because of this silly revenge business.” She gasps then, but stifles her excitement with a blush.

“What is it?”

“Well, you know about crocodilians, right?” I nod slowly. “See, the mothers keep their babies safe by...well, I mean. I could...if you want.”

“You could what, Fluttershy?” I ask, not liking where this is going. The shy T. Rex looks at me, opening her mouth. Of course.

Yet, where safer than on the inside?

“Fine, Fluttershy. But only so you don’t wake up alone tomorrow if a hungry dino comes by.”

She smiles, baring her fangs. I climb over her jagged teeth and lie down on her tongue. Despite the humid smell and slimy bedding, I do feel a bit safer inside her gaping maw. I position my head close to the front of her mouth, feeling her gullet wrap around my feet.

“Eddy?” she asks.

“Eddy? Yeah, let's hope I don't end up like him...” I respond. Then I facepalm as I realize what she meant. “Yes, lower her down.”

Slowly and carefully, she closes her mouth. I watch her top teeth approach, then disappear over my head as the light fades.

"Just try not to swallow, okay?"

She hums a laugh in response, but I still can’t help but be tense. After a while, though, I finally succumb to fatigue.

I awaken to a tug at my ankles. Fluttershy opens her mouth, but tilts her head back, preventing me from escaping. She inhales deeply, yawning. I slip from my spot on the floor of her mouth toward her throat. Heart palpitations. Eyes watering.

"Fluttershy, let me out!"

Her head drops again, and I reach out and slap her gums. I hit her repeatedly, trying to wake her up. I feel her throat widen around my feet, and her tongue rolls back toward it, pushing me along with it. My vocal chords fail me, and I grasp her tongue tightly.

Soon I’m chest deep in her esophagus, but my hold on her tongue is saving me. Wind rises from her throat and she opens her mouth again, coughing. Trying to dislodge me. I release her tongue and tumble out onto the cold cave floor.

“Oh, Jake! I’m so sorry!” Her snout presses me against the ground, shoving my head into the stone. “Are you okay?” she cries, trying to hug me with her stubby arms.

“I’m fine, Fluttershy,” I wheeze, as I attempt to push her away, it didn't work but she got the message and backs off a bit. I sit up, holding my throbbing head.

“I forgot you were in there!” she says, dinosaur tears in her eyes. "Oh, I'm so sorry!"

I try to wipe some of her saliva off of me. How was that not scary enough, Q? Why are we still here?

“Fluttershy, you need to scare me,” I say, standing up.

“But Jake, I can’t.” She looks down, her tears falling.

“Who’s going to take care of Angel Bunny?” I ask, reaching for anything that will provoke her.

She looks up at me, a fiery glint in her eye. “You’re right. I’m sorry about this.”

“About what?” I ask. Fluttershy stands up, arching her back. Her growl echoes through the cave, then she opens her mouth again and roars deeply. "Oh. I understand now."

My eyes widen, and I bolt out of the cave. “Q, I’m going to have a heart attack!”

He laughs as I weave through the trees, Fluttershy in pursuit. The ground quakes under her stomps. I run straight past a pack of raptors, not even giving them time to react.

The jungle is a green blur to me, and I can barely see enough to tell that a fallen tree blocks my path ahead. I hear another roar behind me, and suddenly my legs swing out under me and I’m tumbling off a cliffside.

I close my eyes, bracing myself for impact, only to land on something soft and wet. I open my eyes to see once again the wrong side of a set of jaws. My ears are ringing, and the jaws clamp shut. Gravity shifts and I slip down toward the throat. No escape this time.

As I’m smothered by the slick esophagus, there’s a flash of light. I’m back in Ponyville. The sun shines brightly above me, and I’m no longer covered in saliva. A bird is chirping on the sign in front of the library, and I think about my video games. "I'm safe. Certainly not eaten."

“For now,” Q’s voice echoes, followed by the iconic noise of him teleporting away.

With a deep sigh of relief, I start toward the library, only to find myself flat on my back once again.

“Oh, thank Celestia you're okay!" I look up into sea of minty green fur.

"I see somepony is out of her shell! Good for you, Lyra!" The pony on top of me suddenly freezes, then leaps away. I sit up and find Lyra sheepishly rubbing her forelegs and blushing profusely.

Bonbon groans and walks up to her. "Well, that lasted about as long as I expected." She looks at me, however, with a cheerful grin. "Good news Jake. Your date with me is off."

Lyra and I sigh together. One less thing to worry about. "You wouldn't be able to make it,” Bonbon continues, “seeing as your date with Lyra is scheduled for the same time."

Now Lyra and I both go rigid. "And, frankly, you're not my type. I have my eyes on a different stallion."

Lyra begins to faint, and Bonbon nonchalantly catches her, carrying her off on her back. “Same place, next Friday!” she calls to me.

I turn to finally go home, only to find myself face to face with Bonbon again. “Be there, or I will personally force feed you both to Pinkie Pie, and I will keep you in there for another two months.” She points a hoof at me. “This time, you two. Are. Dating!”

She smiles and canters off, Lyra in tow.

I watch them leave, then sink to the ground, too tired to get inside the library.

“Not my day,” I mutter.

Chapter 23.5: A Not Quite so Chaotic Day

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 23.5

A Quite Chaotic Day, Silhouette's PoV

“So, this catapult...what does it do exactly?” I ask the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who run around their clubhouse building their contraption eagerly, certain it’ll give them their cutie marks.

Scootaloo looks up at me, wiping the sweat off her forehead. “Well, you see…” She dashes past me to the wide, flat part of the catapult, and climbs onto it. Shade climbs onto my back, a wide grin on her face.

Sweetie Belle appears in front of me, gesturing to Scootaloo. “You stand here on the big X.”

“And then you pull this doohicky,” Applebloom says, pointing to a large lever on the side of the catapult.

“And if we did all the complex mathematical calculations right, it’ll launch us right into the pond waaaaaaay over there!” Scootaloo grins at me, the other two joining her on the launch pad. I look out the window to where Scootaloo pointed, but I don’t see any pond. It must be way, way over there.

Shade shrieks excitedly, right in my ear. I hold up a hoof. “But what if you don’t land in the pond? Won’t you get hurt?”

“That’s what these are for!” Applebloom says, bouncing the large pack that all four fillies have strapped to their backs. “Ready to earn our parachuting cutie marks, girls?”

The girls squeal and hop on the pad, and Shade flutters off my shoulder and takes her place beside them, apparently convinced this is a good idea. I suppose if they’ve done all the calculations, though…

“Silhouette, can you pull the lever for us?” Sweetie Belle asks.

My eyes widen, and I try to imagine what Jake would do. I wish he was here - he’d know exactly what’s going on. But, I decide that since helping is what a friend does, it would be okay for me to launch these little ponies out the window of their clubhouse and into a pond several miles away.

As I stand up, the girls’ eyes watch me, brimming with excitement. I turn and wrap my tail around the lever. “Good luck, everypony.”

“We don’t need luck,” Scootaloo says with confidence. “This is our destiny!”

“Okay, then. Here we go.” I pull the lever, jumping back as the launch pad flies forward.

I try to find the CMC, but they’re already in the sky. Faintly, I can hear them screaming the word “destiny.”

I watch them until they disappear completely. “That doesn’t seem too bad.” I look back at the contraption, suddenly realizing how big it is - and how small I am in my pony form. The walls of the Crusaders’ clubhouse tower around me, the room suddenly so empty without its usual tenants. Everything is spinning, but I see the door, seemingly miles away.

Sweat gathers under my mane, and in my panic I burst through the door, returning to my true form.

The plowing’s going slowly today, that blue sky above distracting me over and over. I yawn deeply, totally relaxed, the straw between my teeth hanging lazily out of my mouth. Then I hear the screams.

Cutting through the clear sky are the Crusaders. They soar over my head and disappear beyond the apple trees. I yawn again, returning to my work. I’m so used to these cutie mark schemes, the only thing that matters at this point is that those fillies had the good sense to use parachutes this time.

As I tug the plow through the field, a nice rhythm plays. The crumbling of the soil provides the bass line as a pair of birds far off sing a melody. Cicadas drone in the background, and the heavy sound of hoofsteps falling behind me initiate a hair-raising key change. I slow down as the hoofsteps draw closer, realizing that they sound rather too soft to actually be hooves.

I turn toward the source of the noise and the straw falls out of my mouth. A monster is running toward me - bigger than a timberwolf, bigger than any creature I’ve seen before.

“Eeeenope!” My shoulders press tightly against my harness, and I can’t understand why my legs aren’t carrying me as far as their speed would imply. My chest burns from my harness and I finally remember that I’m still attached to the plow. That’s when a massive paw crushes the dirt beside me, showering me in loose soil and pebbles.

This could be it, Big Mac. My eyes peel away from the creature’s long claws and move up its leg, to its gaping mouth with its glistening fangs. Memories of my sisters and Granny Smith flash through my mind. What will they do without me? How will they handle the whole farm themselves?

The creature lowers its body to the ground, I assume so it can reach me more easily. Applejack, wherever you are, remove your hat out of respect for the dead. I close my eyes and wait for the end.

“Talk to me,” the monster whimpers. I open my eyes again. Its ears are flat against its head, its eyes looking straight at me - each one as big as my head. “Can you talk?”

It looks like Winona when she’s begging for scraps. My heart pounds wildly and I look around for help.

“Please talk to me!” it says louder, tears forming below its eyes.

I open my mouth, but my throat is suddenly hoarse. “Ee-yup,” I wheeze.

The creature’s ears perk up and it sits back on its hindlegs. “You can talk! Oh, I’m so relieved!”

“Eeyup,” I repeat, looking around again. Applejack should be coming home soon, shouldn’t she?

“Oh, but you can’t speak well. I mean, you have a hard time talking to others.”

I look back and see its ears are lowering again. I kick at the dirt on the ground, focusing on my hooves. Then I feel something cold and wet press against my ears. I glance up and see the dark fur on its chest.

“It’s okay,” it says as it nuzzles me. “I just need someone to be with. I’m afraid of being alone.”

The tall trees of Sweet Apple Acres peek out at me from over the hill like the pigs from over their feeding trough. Finally I’m home - and I think that blue flu has worn off, too. I knew that Discord was fooling us again.

I look up from my once-again orange hooves and glance over the fields. The sunlight weaves through the freshly plowed soil, glistening off...what is that?

A few steps closer and I can see Big Macintosh. My heart skips a beat as I see the figure beside him - some sort of monster. A humongous monster, with humongous teeth.

The adrenaline shoots straight into my legs and I set off faster than a blue ribbon pole bender at an Appleoosa rodeo. “No monster’s making a meal of my big brother, you hear?” I cry, storming down to the field.

As I get closer, the monster gets bigger, and it becomes clear to me that if Big Mac and I are going to make it out of this one, I’ll have to use my brains as well as my strength. Instead of running straight up to it and bucking its giant muzzle, I pull out my two trusty good-luck apples from inside my mane. A quick kiss to each of them and I throw them to the air, turning around to kick them right at the behemoth.

Direct hit! The monster brushes applesauce from its coat, then turns to look at me. As I look back at it, I suddenly can’t feel my legs. It’s not coming after me, just staring - and it’s big, dark eyes look familiar.

It takes advantage of my momentary distraction, and before I know it I’m up in the air, between its claws. Then I’m dropped into a dark world, and it’s wet and cramped.

“Oh no, you don’t!” I yell, but I feel the moist walls squeezing around me. I’m slipping deeper into the darkness, then a floor appears below me. A burst of air pushes me up and the world is bright again. I tumble onto a padded ground, my soaked mane falling over my eyes. With a shaky hoof, I lift my mane to find myself face to face with the monster and its dark grey eyes.

Great, Silhouette! You nearly ate a friend! I remember exactly how she felt, barely a lump in my throat, hooves pressing desperately against my esophagus. It’s not like I’d let her get hurt! I could easily transform my stomach to keep her safe.

Now she’s on her back in my paw, looking up at me with her terrified eyes. My throat is sore from all the coughing. Applejack’s mouth slowly opens and she lets out a tiny squeak.

“Ah’m alive!” she cries, shivering in my paw.

“Of course,” I say, laughing awkwardly. “I’m sorry, Applejack. Just got a little excited.”

She tilts her head, perking up her ears. “Wait, Silhouette?”

I try to smile without showing my teeth, and lowering her to the ground, I begin to change back to my anthropomorphic form.

“It is you!” she says. “What in tarnation? What is going on? Ah thought you were with the Crusaders!"

“Well, it’s a funny story,” I start, looking at Big Mac.

Back at the library, I sit by Jake, listening to Cadance and Twilight talk about their day. Seems this Discord fellow was causing trouble for everypony today. I try to remember seeing a draconequus, hoping I could blame accidentally swallowing Applejack on somepony else.

“Guess we’ve all had pretty rough days,” Jake says, distracting himself with some game on his little machine.

The front door opens and we look over to see Shade, mane and tail soaked and riddled with twigs. She stumbles over to us, her eyes spinning.

Jake sets down his game and picks the little filly up. “Please explain,” he says.

More Discoveries Both Malevolent and Benign

Pessimism and Sarcasm
Chapter 24
More Discoveries Both Malevolent and Benign

The afternoon sun disappears as the Crusaders and I enter the Everfree Forest. Shade, the newest crusader, flies in peppy circles around us. We’re on our way to Zecora’s hut to see if she shows any promise in potion making.

Seeing how excited she is makes me worry - we still have no idea if she can earn a Cutie Mark. Hopefully she’ll have fun, at least. One of us should. I groan, dragging my feet, tired from my first day back to work at the spa.

We walk along the all too familiar path to the hut, clambering over fallen tree trunks and splashing through mud. Soon the large patch of poison joke comes into view, and Applebloom shivers as we sidle past it.

“Be careful,” she says, “Those plants play odd pranks.”

“Oh, I know,” I say. “I remember ‘Hairity’ and ‘Spitty Pie.’”

“And they flipped Rainbow Dash’s wings upside down!” Scootaloo chimes in.

“And they shrunk my sister down to the size of a cupcake!”

Shade’s belly grumbles. “I want cupcakes.”

“We can stop by Sugarcube Corner on the way home,” I say.

“I wonder what prank the poison joke would pull on you two,” Sweetie Belle muses. “Maybe it’d turn you into a pony, Jake!”

I smile at the idea, but still try to keep away from the blue flowers.

Soon enough, the trees part and Zecora’s hut comes into view.

“Zecora!” Applebloom hollers. “Are you home?”

The door slowly opens and the zebra’s head appears. “Ah, Applebloom, my sweet. A surprise visit - what a treat!” Her eyes widen as they land upon me and Shade. “Hmm. Though Twilight had informed me of her guests so new, I never could have imagined you two! A young alicorn and a creature so tall...please, warn me now if these surprises are not all!”

“Well, you don’t have too much more to worry about,” I answer. “There’s still Silhouette, but she’s with Pinkie Pie today. I’m sure all three of us at once would be too much of a shock.”

Zecora looks confused. “She is the young mare whom this morning I met - but there was nothing strange about this Silhouette.”

“She’s a shapeshifter, and as alien to this world as I am,” I say. “Just ask Applebloom. The other day Sil almost had Applejack as an Apple-snack.”

“It’s true!” Applebloom cries. “She told us all about it - Silhouette became this giant wolf monster and nearly ate Applejack by accident. Applejack said Sil was huge, larger than anything she’d ever seen!”

Shade nods her head. “She must’ve been in her pony form so she didn’t scare you,” she says to Zecora. “At the library, she usually goes around in a...Jake form?” I squint my eyes at her, smiling.

“Mixed with a wolf,” I add.

“Right.”

Zecora looks between us, still confused. But she shakes her head and turns away. “When next I see her, I will request to see. However, I have yet to offer you all tea.”

As she begins brewing the tea, the Cutie Mark Crusaders shuffle awkwardly. Finally, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle shove Applebloom forward.

“Uh, say, Zecora,” she says, “We were wondering if you could teach Shade here some potion making. She’s trying to earn her Cutie Mark too.”

Zecora looks up from her cauldron. “Ah yes, another flank that is blank...but Applebloom, tell me this is not a prank.”

Shade flutters onto my shoulder, and I feel her tiny body shake. Applebloom asks, “What do you mean?”

“I think she’s saying that she isn’t sure Shade has the ability to earn a Cutie Mark,” I respond.

Zecora nods, closing her eyes. “I understand from Twilight that Shade here is unique. It is her origins about which I speak.” Shade digs her hooves into my shoulder. “I do not wish to be unhelpful, though - so we may try. Just be aware that your destiny, we may not find.”

Shade flies down to the ground again and stands up straight. “I want to see, Ms. Zecora. Please.”

Zecora smiles sweetly at her. “Then let us cease with these commotions, and find a Cutie Mark in potions.”

“Well, somepony has to explain what’s going on,” I say.

A projector screen has been set up in the library, and upon it is the commercial break image for Gundam Wing. The video is paused and Shade and I look around at the mane six, all surprised by our presence; the anime was playing too loudly for them to hear us enter.

I cross my arms and look at Twilight, who blushes deeply, then vanishes in a flash of purple light.

Rainbow Dash shrugs. “Twilight showed us this show she found on your box thing,” she says, gesturing to my laptop, which seems to be magically projecting the anime onto the screen. “I don’t know, I guess it’s pretty cool.”

“Pretty cool?” Applejack says. “You know you’re crazier for those mobile suits than a prize pig is for slop.”

Rarity lets out a whine. “Can we cease with the pig talk and go back to that high society party scene? I didn’t have the time to finish sketching my inspiration from those marvelous costumes.”

“Actually, I feel like we should cease with Gundam Wing completely,” I say, a little hoarsely. I clear my throat and close my laptop. I have to step over Fluttershy to do so, as she’s curled up on the ground, shivering with her hooves over her eyes. I don’t know if she’s afraid of me or the anime, but I don’t bother asking.

Instead, I cough again and ask where a certain purple alicorn went.

“Oh, she’s right behind you, trying to sneak out the door!” Pinkie says.

I turn and see Twilight. She laughs nervously. “Well, see. I kind of memorized your password, since I’ve seen you type it so many times.”

“But why are you watching this partic-” I’m interrupted by my own coughing. My throat is suddenly burning, and as I notice this, I also realize my vision is blurring and my arms feel itchy.

“Jake?” Twilight asks, no longer nervous. “Are you all right? What’s happening to your face?”

“My face?” I say, with a sort of lisp. My tongue seems to have swollen up.

Pinkie Pie jumps in front of me. “You sound just like I did when we ran into that poison joke!”

Shade gasps. “Do you think that’s why your arms and cheeks are getting all red and puffy?”

“Oh no,” Fluttershy says, looking up. “You didn’t walk through any of those horrible flowers, did you?”

“No, we made sure to stay out of them,” I manage to say. “But maybe this is just an allergic reaction to something we passed in the forest.”

“I can take a few scans of you to try to solve this,” Twilight says. “I’ve been meaning to work on my medical magic.

She steps closer to me and lights up her horn. But before she can do anything else, her magic flickers out and her horn slumps against her forehead like it’s made of rubber.

“Huh? What’s going on?” she asks.

“Ith juth ly wen we wan indo da poithin ‘oke!”

“What was that, Pinkie Pie? I couldn’t understand you,” Fluttershy says, her voice suddenly much, much deeper.

“Oh goodness no!” Rarity shrieks, running to the other end of the room. “Jake, how dare you try to infect us all again! I will not let my beautiful coat be ruined!”

“It’s okay, everypony!” Twilight shouts. “The spa ponies have Zecora’s remedy now, remember? Why don’t we just go there to take care of this?”

“What if Jake infects anypony else on the way there?” Applejack asks.

The ponies continue discussing what to do with me, but I drag my feet up to my bed. I’m suddenly very tired.

I dream about the town ponies and how the poison joke would affect them. Vinyl Scratch suddenly can’t stop talking, while prim and proper Octavia is horrified to find that she’s become a magnet for mud. Lyra, instead of stalking me like usual, is unable to even see me, and BonBon reacts like Appletini, only she grows larger. Before long, she towers over Ponyville, and everypony runs from her gigantic hooves.

I wake up the next morning to Shade’s soft feather wings brushing against my face.

“Are you feeling any better, Big Bro?” she asks.

I stretch out and then check my arms. They look normal again, to my relief.

“Yeah, a lot better,” I say, with perfect enunciation. “I’m sorry we didn’t find your cutie mark yesterday.”

She shakes her head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m pretty confident that I know who I am already.”

I smile and pull her into a hug, and then we get up to check on Twilight.

RD’s Birthday Bash and Epilogue

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Prologue: Don't you hate convoluted magical interference?

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Prologue

Don't you hate convoluted magical interference?

By: Jerec the Ascendant

"Ahh, so good to be home.” I walk through the front door, letting it shut behind me. It was a long day of work. Well, it feels that way to me. 8:00 am to 2:00 pm isn't exactly long, but it sure feels like it when you work at a thrift store.

I'm Jacob, by the way. I'm twenty-two years old and 5' 10" tall. I have short brown hair and a penchant to play video games, particularly those by Bioware.

I make my way through the house to my room; I still live with my parents and younger sibling. I turn on the TV while readying my 360, planning to finish Mass Effect 3 for the second time. The initial click and hum of electricity sounds through my room as the TV screen comes to life. I press the Xbox Guide button on my controller to turn on the console, expecting to hear that welcoming crescendo that I’m so used to. The universe, however, seems to have something else in mind.

TZZZTT!!!

"What the...." I begin in astonishment as the TV suddenly courses with sparks of electricity. My mind goes blank for a second as the impossible occurs in front of me, streaks of lightning lancing up and down the TV. The electricity has an odd appearance though: each lance seems to have a different color, covering the color spectrum.

"Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!" Charging out of the room, I immediately head into the garage toward the power switches, thinking to throw the one to my room and effectively stopping the surge, and hopefully a fire. I get to the box, open it, and see the switches. Quickly, I read the diagram on the side to see which one of the switches is for my room. I reach out to grab it when suddenly a lance of the prismatic lightning occurring in my room bursts out of the switch and into my hand.

A searing pain courses through my body as the prismatic lightning dances across my skin. Everywhere the rainbow lightning went, it left horrid burns. The last thing I see before blacking out is my hands turning to ash, and the ash speeding off in a sudden gust of wind.

My eyes jolt open only to find that there’s nothing but an empty void around me.

"What happened? Where am I? Ugh..." My head swims as I look around, and nausea overtakes me. This empty, pitch black void is not only leaving me without sight, but without a sense of direction or even balance. The only thing I feel are the clothes I have on; there seems to be nothing else to feel. I’m not lying on the ground - I’m suspended in the air. This is adding to the nausea.

"Well, guess I'm gonna be seeing lunch again." My body attempts to make me puke, but it can only manage some dry heaves. The pain is dreadful and escalates quickly, as my entire body suddenly finds itself wracked with an intense pain.

"CRAP, WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME!!!" I scream before blacking out, once again.

My mind returns to consciousness after what must have been hours. Slowly, I regain first my sense of touch. I feel a soft sheet covering me, and a mattress beneath me. It isn't my mattress though - it feels odd, unfamiliar. I still have the cargo pants I had been wearing but my shirt is gone, along with my socks and shoes. I feel strange things attached along my right arm, which is placed over the sheet.

The next sense to return is smell. The room really has nothing much to note, other than a pervasive odor of sterility. I must be in a hospital. It could be worse, I suppose.

Next, my hearing returns. I hear the rhythmic pulse of a heart monitor beeping in my left ear, while in my right ear I can hear some quiet whispering. The voice sounds eerily familiar - a feminine voice, slightly raspy, that sounds almost like whomever it belongs to is reading to itself.

My sense of taste still evades me, but I finally decide to work my eyes open. The room around me is, unsurprisingly, how you'd expect a hospital room to look, except one thing: it seems to be smaller than a typical hospital room. It’s shorter and thinner, as well. To my left there’s a small chair with my shirt, socks, and shoes neatly placed in a pile on the seat. I look to my right. About five feet away is another bed, but what’s hidden under the sheets doesn't look human.

"This can't be good."

Author's Note

Alright, as this is my first story. I'd like to take the time to more fully introduce myself.

I'm Jerec, a new writer on this site, and probably the only real Non-brony here. Yes, you read me correct, I'm not a brony. Why, you must be thinking, are you doing pony related fanfictions? Answer: Cause I can. You could also be thinking, "How are you not a brony if you're on here?" Well I'll tell you, I found this place from watching the Fiery Jokers reviews. You know the one, where his fanfic is mentioned. So I was curious and checked it out, then after reading through that, I decided to check out other fanfics to see more of what was going on. I'll tell you right now that what I'm doing is trying to find out why you guys like the show as much as you do. So I've watched to date all the canon episodes of the show, and that movie that came out and I'm still wondering, what it is you guys see in the show. I mean, it's not bad, but it's not the greatest thing I've ever seen either. In any case I've decided randomly to start writing. As I write my stories, here are some things you can expect to see, or not see: Anything non-canon (Unless I so decide for comedic reasons), the Ponies being larger than they should be, overpowered ponies, ponies out of personality, ponies attempting to become involved in "Adult" situations, ponies swearing, ponies drinking alcohol, smoking, or doing drugs, and especially no shipping.

A quick bit of information, when my character thinks is marked in apostraphes versus speech being the obvious quotation marks.

Please tell me how I'm doing thus far, and how I can improve.

Also, the stuff involved belong to their respective owners.

Chapter 13: Holy Pocket Plane Comic Batman!

Pessimism and Sarcasm

Chapter 13

Holy Pocket Plane Comic Batman!

So it's officially been two weeks since my first big adventure in Equestria - two weeks since Shade adopted me as a sibling. Turns out even though she's the product of a spell she is still classified as a real child, the child of none other than the Princess of Night herself, and now either as a joke or out of some ironic scenario, Luna is my "adoptive parent". Thrilling.

Here's hoping all of it is just some elaborate joke. Yet another brony dream I'm living out. It doesn't help that whenever Twilight receives a letter there's usually a second one for me, and it's always signed either Love, Aunt Tia or Love, "Mom". I have a big red mark across my forehead from all the times I’ve smacked my face against the table.

In any case, it's Friday night and I'm going on a little gaming binge to help calm my nerves after the most recent letter from "Mom". Since Shade is going to be watching me, I decided to binge on more kid friendly fare. So Pokémon it is.

Twilight isn’t joining us tonight because she’s trying to get some sleep for tomorrow. Regarding Spike, he’s been entranced by some comic book all day, so he won’t be in the way. I should probably put the game away though, since I've been invited to help some more with the renovation of the sisters' old castle. I'll probably just end up helping Shade pack up more of her inherited possessions. I finish the battle I'm in and save the game, much to Shade's chagrin. She knows by now what happens when I save in Pokémon and I'm not standing in front of a legendary.

“I wanted to see another battle!" Shade whines, looking at me with large pleading eyes.

"Sorry, sis, but we’ve got work to do tomorrow. We gotta sleep."

"Okay," she concedes, though reluctantly.

I plug the 3DS into its charger and settle into my bed, trying to ignore the even more reluctant Spike and Twilight’s desperate pleas.

Luna and I sit across from each other in a small grassy clearing in the middle of a forest. Past the trees there isn't anything but black. This one is my favorite of the dreamworlds Luna has brought me to. Since that first night, she’s made it a habit to interrupt my dreams every now and then in order to talk. Tonight, I’m my normal size, which is quite the relief.

"... I don't know, I just always get this feeling when I’m walking around town that somepony is following me. Do you know of anypony that might be stalking me or something?"

"I do know of one, but I'm going to let you figure out who she is."

I groan and drop my face into my hand. "She. Great, am I assuming correctly that she may have...feelings for me?"

"Maybe," Luna says before breaking into giggles.

"Thank you. You've just been the most help." It seems she’s too busy laughing to hear my sarcasm.

She calms down and sighs. “You're too worried about this, Jake. As you know, in Equestria there are all sorts of creatures that are intelligent, and as often happens, they become infatuated with each other, regardless of species. You know this, you've played many games and watched many shows where this kind of thing happens."

"Yes, I realize. But they tend to stay in the humanoid range. That's about as far as I'm willing to go."

With another quick giggle, she says, “You said tend, so some have gone out of that range."

"Very few. Very, very few! Most of those few though are already confirmed womanizers anyway." I'm looking at you, Kirk.

Our conversation continues on, but every time I try to pry an answer about who the pony is, she avoids discussing it.

“Okay, fine,” I say. “Answer this, then. The whole ‘mom’ thing. That’s a joke, right?”

Luna covers her mouth with her hoof to hide her laughter, and suddenly the trees around me start to waver. The darkness closes in, the grass beneath me gives way, and I fall back into consciousness.

We split up, the mane six going about their renovations while Shade and I go to her room to collect her toys. We all meet up at lunchtime for a break, though. The problem is that Spike hasn’t come back from wherever he went. We end up looking for him, and fortunately find him rather easily. Unfortunately, we don't get there in time to prevent what happens.

"Help!" Spike cries as he’s sucked into the comic book. Twilight charges over and tries to pull him out, only to start getting sucked in herself. Then it all goes the way you'd expect it to. They all follow each other over there to pull out the last one - up until Pinkie Pie, who literally bounces right in.

"Don't look at me, I'm not going on another odd adventure," I say, crossing my arms.

Shade rolls her eyes and then smiles mischievously. "Fine. Suit yourself." She jumps in after them.

"No, Shade! Don't you....darn it!" I run over to the comic book. Why am I doing this? I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. Then, I leap into the portal, shouting, "Geronimo!"

I land on cold concrete. "Hey, Jake, is that you?"

"Yeah, of course it is." I keep my eyes closed, and lie back on the ground. Normally I don't nap during the day, but I’d rather sleep than go through another Daring Do kind of incident.

"You just...kind of don't look like you."

"Shade, now is not the time for jokes."

"No really, you're all grey and weird looking."

I sit up, but keep my eyes closed. "Weird how?"

"Well, you're in strange clothing. And you’re bald! And look at how long your fingers and ears are.”

"Ha ha, very funny." I stand up and open my eyes to glare at Shade. She’s in draped in a huge bedsheet looking thing, and it ruins my glare. "You should see yourself, though. I mean, it looks like you tried to put on something made for someone about three times your size." She rolls her eyes and gives me a look that makes me afraid to look in a mirror. I start to search for one anyway, curious specifically about her claim regarding my baldness.

Suddenly, I hear something clatter against the ground. I look down to see that I’m wearing a black belt, attached to which are the sheaths of two oriental swords somewhere between the length of a dagger and a Wakizashi or short sword. Drawing one of them, I hold it the blade up to see my reflection in it. Then I drop it onto the ground again.

"Told you," Shade mutters.

I bend down and pick up the sword again, this time paying more attention. I see my hand, the fingers are easily a half longer than they should be, yet handle with even more precision than my normal ones. Grasping the sword's hilt, they wrap around the whole of it and press it against my palm. Looking back at my reflection, it once again confirms what Shade said. "I'm...I'm a Doppelganger." That’s the only thing I can think of - the only thing I resemble. A Dungeons and Dragons doppelganger. Then I look through my equipment, and realize exactly who I am.

"You're a what now?" Shade asks, her face twisting up.

"A doppelganger: a creature that can change shape and size at will to disguise itself as other intelligent beings, humanoid anyway - between four and eight feet tall. With about 90% accuracy, basically not much is off besides personality and knowledge."

"So you're the human version of a changeling?" Twilight suddenly appears.

I look at her and can't hold in my laughter. "What on earth are you supposed to be?"

Twilight scowls at me. "I don't know. I don't read Spike's comics."

"Is this... Maretropolis?" Spike finally rises from his own unconsciousness.

"Somepony wanna tell me what the hay is goin' on?" Good question.

"Holy new personas, ponies! You're the... Masked Matter-Horn! Fili-Second! Zapp! R-Radiance! Mistress Mare-velous! Saddle Rager! You're the... Power Ponies!" At that my forehead meets my palm, again.

"So who am I?!" Shade can't contain her excitement.

Spike stands for a moment looking at Shade trying to think of who she could possibly be, but there’s a little problem. In the end, he just laughs. "I can't tell! Your costume is too big. Oh I know-"

Spike is ready to throw out some insulting joke name for her, when she suddenly grows to her adult size, perfectly filling the costume. The group’s jaws drop.

"Can you tell now?” she asks, her voice booming. “Oh, tell me! Who am I, who am I, who am I?!" It never fails to amuse me to hear what looks and sounds like a full grown adult speak with the voice of a child.

Spike's composure returns after a moment. "Whoa, you're Misstery. She tends to either help the Power Ponies or harm them. She's got power over shadows and ca-"

"Power over shadows? But I already have that! This comic book is stupid." Shade pouts as I burst into laughter.

That's when we hear a bunch of odd sounds, then out of one of the buildings in the city below burst forth one of the most hilariously stupid looking things I've ever seen. I may have been laughing before, but this thing is too much. It has hair flailing everywhere, this strange jumpsuit, completely overused insanity role. I can't even stand anymore I’m laughing so hard. Then comes the voice. After hearing it the first time, there is no way I can take it seriously.

"Power Ponies! How kind of you to join us!" Okay, Jake, okay. Try to pull yourself together.

"Did she just call us... Power Ponies?" Well, yeah. Spike called you that about ten seconds ago.

"You're the superheroes from my comic book! It somehow zapped us all in here!"

"So somepony zap us back out!" Great idea.

"My comic book! It said the way to get back to where we started was to defeat the Mane-iac! Your arch-nemesis!"

"Time for the mane event!" One bad pun and the situation becomes too stupid to even consider funny.

I stand up just in time to see Pinkie Pie running off screaming with delight. That gives me an idea. I may as well try out my new powers.

"She could be miles away from here by now! Pinkie is Fili-Second, the fastest pony in all of Maretropolis!"

I gaze at the roof of a different building. Maybe if I focus, I can use this character's Psionic ability to dimension door to escape to somewhere quiet.

"Twilight! Freeze her mane!"

"Do what?"

"You're the Masked Matter-Horn! You can shoot all kinds of crazy power beams from your horn!"

"You know, I'm beginning to enjoy this." You ponies are not helping my focus.

"Dash! Quick! You're Zapp, and your superpower is controlling the mighty forces of nature! Unholster the lightning bolt!"

A great tornado forms and begins to suck up the ponies one by one. I quickly grab hold of Shade and finally use dimension door. A circle of energy appears around us for a moment and then quickly contracts. For a moment we see nothing, and then the circle of energy appears again and expands, dropping me and Shade onto another rooftop. "Hey, I did it. Sweet."

"You did what?"

"Something called a dimension door. It's from a game I play every so often.” She cocks her head to the side. “Basically teleportation," I explain.

"Well, we need to get back and help the others."

"Actually, I think we should practice with our newfound pow-” She looks at me with a growl. “Okay, I should practice with my newfound powers. I'll be more useful if I know how to do things."

"Well we should at least figure out where they-" I point my thumb at the tornado. "Oh."

"We'll head back to them as soon as the tornado is gone. In the meantime, I'm going to practice."

I didn't end up having too long, but I did get much better. My new mental abilities helped me to focus and speed up the learning process.

A scary thought kept going through my mind as I practiced, though. The spirit or something of this character might now be attached to me, and it may just decide to take over at some point. This character may have been a "good" guy, but considering what game it was made for, it wouldn't hold back if it came to combat, and it is deadly.

My full arsenal of weapons included two oriental daggers, a an oriental whip with two sharp hooks at the end, a hand scythe with a hidden ball and chain, a repeating crossbow, several shuriken, smoke and explosive egg-shell grenades, and finally toxic darts. Besides the more obvious dangers there's also the Doppelganger's ability to shape change almost perfectly and with my knowledge of gaming, comics, movies, and other fictional characters, if this guy took over, it could become anyone humanoid from any of those along with their equipment. I don’t think that needs any explanation on how that could go.

The other not quite so obvious dangers include the Psionic abilities. For example: invisibility, telekinesis, Dimension Door, and Levitation, along with knowing all mental attack and defense forms, a particular danger being the Mind Blast. I also found myself with AD&D style magic; Doppelganger speed, dexterity, and extra strength; and finally martial form and ki abilities, such as ninjutsu, walking through walls, and stealth like none other.

Shade didn’t need to practice. She just lied down on the cold roof and watched me, bored.

"Hey, the tornado is gone. We'd better get back there."

"Alright Shade. Let’s go."

This time it only takes a quick moment of focus to use dimension door and we’re back. The main six aren't too thrilled about our sudden departure during a time when our help was a little more necessary than I'd thought.

"Where in tarnation did y'all go? We could have used y'all’s help." AJ glares at me, but I just roll my eyes.

“I left to practice these new powers. How successful were you with yours?" She backs off rather quickly at that, looking at her shuffling hooves. "I thought so."

"Well, we aren't getting out of here any sooner if we just stand here arguing. Spike, where is the Mane-iac building her doomsday device?"

"Her top-secret headquarters! But you'd better get there quick. That glowing orb she just stole is what she's going to use to power it up!"

So off we go, through the dark streets of Maretropolis.

"There it is!" Spike shouts, pointing to a giant building.

"Is that a... shampoo factory?"

"All right, Power Ponies, here's the plan. Rarity, you, me and—" Three, two, one, cue Leroy Jenkins moment.

"Come on out, Mane-iac! Or the Power Ponies are comin' in!" Rainbow uses her new ability to summon a lightning bolt that takes out the neon sign of the factory.

"So much for ‘element of surprise’."

“Should we go in with them, big brother?” Shade whispers to me. She yawns, clearly uninterested in putting her power to use. I slip into the shadows next to her and shake my head.

Time to scope out the enemy.

"Oh, I don't think she's home,” Fluttershy says. “Maybe we should just come back later."

Evil laughter can be heard through the hideout's intercom.

"She's home."

A door opens to reveal the henchponies, who all just stand there like idiots. The “Power Ponies” did some horrible fight pose thing as well. I can't believe this.

"Time to Power Pony up!"

"Ooh! Nice catch phrase!" I think my nose is bleeding. So this is what Abridged Vegeta was talking about when he said an aneurism from sheer stupidity.

"Freeze ray!" Then Twilight threw a snowball into one of the henchy’s face, which surprised him, but nothing much else. There's our prodigy, ladies and gentlemen.

"It's an improvement, darling." Really?

Pinkie starts running around and tapping one of the henchies. Then she hits him in the face with a cake.

Rarity sews up one of the henchies, then deflects a falling sign with effortless ease. And Twilight - the element of magic - can’t get a hang of her powers? I guess I shouldn’t be criticizing, though, since I'm hanging back.

One of the henchies charges at Fluttershy, and I feel my heartbeat speed up. I draw a shuriken and am about to throw it, but Rainbow gets there first.

Shade decides to have some fun, and steps out of the shadows to reveal herself. Two henchponies run after her then, and just as they approach, she rolls her eyes and steps back into the shadow, losing form. The two crash into the wall and fall back onto the floor, where I tie them up. She tries to hide it, but I can hear Shade giggling.

"Nice work, Power Ponies! Now let's take care of the Mane-iac and get ourselves home!"

"I don't think so! I have a city to destroy, and I'm not about to let the Power Ponies stop me! Not this time!" Cliché villain is cliché.

"Just watch us!" Rainbow charges at the Mane-iac, as usual without a thought.

The Mane-iac calmly presses a button that activates an apparent Hairspray Ray of Doom. I feel another aneurism coming on as Dash falls to the ground, stiff as a board.

In no time, everypony has been frozen by the ray, except myself, Spike, and Fluttershy. Having escaped to an upper level of the factory, I shake my head disappointedly at Shade, far below me.

I watch Spike talking to Fluttershy, probably trying to convince her to use her powers. But the Mane-iac interrupts by freezing Fluttershy. Hey. That right there, that was uncalled for.

The Mane-iac says something to Spike before rushing off with the Mane Six plus Shade in tow. Soon after, Spike takes off after her only to get his foot caught in a bucket.

Well, guess it's my time to shine.

Using dimension door again, I position myself outside one of the windows looking in at the room, taking in the positions and planning out my strategy. Then I see Spike enter through an air vent. I shake my head at the little guy, but figure that he'll make things a bit easier. Moving into position, I phase through the ceiling just above one of the upper walkways. I silently make my way over to one of the henchies and hit the necessary pressure points to knock him unconscious. Who'd have thought that massage gig would actually be of some help?

I watch as Spike sets off a trap he set up, capturing some henchies and then freezing a few more. Not wanting to be upstaged, I jump in front of a few henchies, and they start to charge me, which I use to my advantage, pulling out one of my Ninja-to and immediately slicing through each one’s hair. They all start screaming and run off. I turn as a few more started attacking, and I throw two eggshell grenades, and the explosion flings them through the air, knocking them out.

I vault over one henchy and grab one of his rear legs, swinging him into one of the other henchies that charged my way. Another I trip with a swift kick, then I get his buddy with two quick jabs that have him paralyzed from the neck down. I turn just in time to see another jump at me, but I throw him back with Psionics.

All of a sudden, though, a portal opens up and sucks us all in. And I was just getting started!

Back in Ponyville, Shade isn’t as impressed by my fighting as I expected her to be. "You didn't have to abandon us like that!" She glared at me from her position on my shoulders.

"Hey, it's strategy. I needed to know exactly what I was up against!"

"You still should've helped. We could've gotten out sooner!"

"Okay, I'm sorry. I should've helped out earlier, you’re right- whoa, hey!" I nearly trip over Twilight, who suddenly stops in front of me as we come up the street to her Library. "A warning would have been nice!"

Twilight looks at me with panic on her face. "Oh no, they didn't tell me they'd be coming! I wish I would have known, I'd have cleaned up the library!"

"Who's they?"

"Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!"

Sure enough, their chariots are parked outside the library and a small contingent of the royal guard can be seen standing outside the door.

"What could they be here for?"