Land of Fried Meat and Tears
…And that’s why Applejack doesn’t have a McDonalds Toy-ooooooo-
Twilight sniffed as she walked into the bright restaurant. The air was greasy and heavily interlaced with the smell of fried meat. Twilight smiled. The smell always reminded her of two things: hamburgers and money, and she loved both. Behind her walked her normal entourage of friends, Spike, Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna.
“So good to have you girls back,” a blond haired, smartly dressed woman said as she ushered the group of ponies into the McDonalds. “I know the kids are just going to adore the new Rainbow Power figures.”
Twilight smiled. “It’s good to be back. Always a pleasure to do business with McDonalds. Right girls?” Twilight asked as she looked back to her group of friends.
“I LOVE places that are run by a clown!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Yeah! Totally awesome!” Rainbow Dash said.
Rarity teetered. “Honestly, this place is a tad pedestrian for my taste, but I adore any company that wants to spread my image far and wide.”
Celestia smiled. “I just love these little trips to the human world.”
Luna beamed. “I’m exuberant that I was considered for such a prestigious honor!”
Spike also wore a happy countenance. “I’m just happy I cried long and hard enough that Twilight caved in and brought me along.”
Rarity nodded. “That was some impressive tantrum throwing. Even I’m impressed!”
“Thanks!” Spike said proudly.
Fluttershy looked around the restaurant in a panicked expression as she took short, labored breaths from her mouth. “Erm… huff… puff… I was actually kidnapped in my sleep and brought here by force to this… huff… house of death.”
Pinkie bounded up to her terrified friend and smiled wide. “Well of course we kidnapped you in your sleep, silly-Billy! You hate coming to McDonalds.”
“Um… well… if you all know that… then erm… why even bring me in the first place?”
Rainbow Dash approached the timid mare. “’Cause we need you to sign all the paperwork to use your image in a toy, d’uh!”
“Erm, well… the thing is… I’m not sure I want to sign anything… Erm… especially here. I’m not sure how you even got me to do it the last couple times…”
Twilight spoke up, “Yeah, we all ate meat in front of you until you passed out and worked you like a puppet.”
Fluttershy’s eyes went wide as her lips began to quiver. “Oh…”
“Yer all horrible sell outs!” Applejack cried.
Fluttershy smiled. “Thanks, Appleja—”
“Ah can’t believe you’d all lend yer image to a place that sells such low-quality apple pies!”
Fluttershy’s features sank once again. “Nevermind…” she squeaked out.
The McDonalds representative spoke up. “Uh… is there a problem?”
Twilight looked up at her and smiled. “I’ll handle this.” She turned to Applejack. “Applejack, why do you have to be such a stick in the mud? Can’t you just enjoy fat sacks of money like the rest of us?”
Pinkie leaned in close to Twilight and whispered. “I think you meant to say, ‘making children happy’.”
“Right!” Twilight said. “Wait… isn’t that what I said?”
All the ponies present shook their heads.
“You said ‘fat sacks of money’, Twi,” Rainbow Dash informed. “Which… let’s face it… are actually pretty cool.”
“Oh shoot!” Twilight exclaimed. “I always mix those two up!”
Celestia smiled. “It’s alright Twilight. Part of becoming a princess is realizing they’re often one and the same.”
Applejack sighed. “Even Princess Celestia is against me…”
“Sister is actually paid in pies,” Luna informed.
“What?!” Applejack exclaimed as she stared at Celestia.
Celestia stared back at Applejack with an embarrassed look on her face as crumbs adorned her face and a half eaten apple pie floated inches away from her muzzle. She quickly brought the rest of the pie into her mouth and chomped down on it.
Applejack shook her head and turned to Luna. “Well ye’re upset about the quality of pies here, right?!”
“Honestly, I am just happy to be included for once,” Luna said.
Spike gave a heavy sigh, “I hear that…”
Twilight smiled down at Spike. “Cheer up Spike, I’m sure they’ll make a toy of you next time.”
Spike’s face lit up. “Really?”
“No,” Twilight replied while maintaining the same smile on her face.
Most the ponies present broke out into small fits of laughter.
Pinkie giggled. “Hehe… he’s going to develop a self-esteem complex for sure!”
Spike gave a heavy sigh as he walked up to the pile of burgers. He grabbed an arm full and walked towards a booth, setting the pile down and setting in front of it. He began to morosely unwrap his first burger. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be right her quietly sobbing to myself while I fill the deep, empty void in my life with food.”
Twilight nodded. “Good thinking Spike! The burgers should help muffle your pitiful sobs so the rest of us won’t have to hear them!”
Spike said nothing as tears began to pour from his eyes and he sorrowfully chomped down on the burger in his claws.
“Oh, that is it!” Applejack cried. “Ah’m gonna start my own pie stand! With blackjack! And hookers!”
Pinkie giggled. “Silly Applejack! This story is rated for ‘everyone!’”
Applejack frowned. “Fine! Just the pie stand then!” With that, Applejack stormed out of the restaurant out into the bright, afternoon day.
“Oh no!” Pinkie cried. “What are we going to do?! We’re a pony short!”
“Don’t worry!” Twilight said. “I have it all under control…”
-oooooo-
“Get’cher fresh, delicious Apple Pies here!” Applejack shouted out happily from behind her pie stand.
“Gasp!” A man wearing a dark shirt adorned with Berry Punch drinking from a punch bowl over the words ‘GO HOME BERRY PUNCH!’ said from the street. “A talking pony!”
“Double gasp!” Another man in a dark blue Twilight Sparkle shirt said. “It’s one of the ponies from Friendship is Magic! This is the best day ever!”
Applejack grinned wide as the two men approached. “Yep! Sure is! Would you two like to purchase some delicious, home cooked apple pies?”
The man in the Berry Punch shirt frowned. “Aww, it’s just worst pony…”
“WHAT?!” Applejack cried.
The man in the Twilight shirt hung his head. “I thought it was going to be my waifu…”
“Dude, you know Flash Sentry stole your waifu.”
“EQUESTRIA GIRLS WAS NOT CANON!”
Applejack shot an annoyed glance to the two men in front of her stand. “Uh… excuse me? If ya two aren’t gonna buy anything, can ya please move along?”
“Man, Flash was in season 4!” the man in the Berry Punch shirt insisted. “You really just need to let this whole Flash thing go…”
“NEVER!” the man in the Twilight shirt cried as he threw a surprise left hook into the face of the other man.
The two quickly began to exchange blows in front of Applejack’s pie stand.
Applejack sighed. “Ferget this! I’m just gonna have my own episode while everyone else is at McDonalds…”
-oooooo-
“WHOA!” A white unicorn mare with electric blue colored hair exclaimed as she took off her purple tinted goggles and stared out at the restaurant full of happy children. “This is sweet!” She turned to Twilight. “…And you say all I have to do to get to drop some phat beats at the next Grand Galloping Gala is sign some papers and hang out with some human kids?”
Twilight nodded. “Yep! Just one thing, though. The kids get to put stickers on you.”
The white unicorn knitted her brow and frowned. “Wait, what?”
Twilight brought her forehoof up to her mouth and made a sharp whistle. “Alright kids! Play time!” she said happily as she motioned to the white unicorn.
The children all cried out in excitement as they stampeded through the restaurant and mobbed the surprised pony.
The white unicorn flailed her forehooves in the air as a sea of tiny hands dragged her down and started plastering her white coat with a number of colorful rainbow stickers. “Not cool! NOT COOL!”
“Hurray!” Pinkie cried. “We solved our missing pony problem and ruined the next Grand Galloping Gala, again! Happy day!”
Spike rolled his eyes as he unwrapped another hamburger wrapper, adding it to the mountain of wrappers in front of him. “Yay,” he uttered sarcastically before taking a bite of his hamburger.
“Uh, Twi?” Rainbow Dash said as she approached Twilight, dragging an unconscious looking Fluttershy who was foaming at the mouth. “I know it’s good that we helped children and all, but don’t you feel a little bad about what happened to AJ?”
“I’m sorry,” Twilight replied from a pile of crisp dollar bills as she spread her legs and wings out wide and waved them up and down, allowing the bills to wash over her. “I couldn’t hear you over the sound of how awesome money is!”
The End
