Trixie Lulamoon: Defender of Equestria

Hi, my name is Trixie Lulamoon, and I am the leader of the Defenders of Equestria, or the DoE.

You must have heard of us sometime. You know, we’re the misfits. The ones that failed at leading a good life and one that wasn’t frowned upon by Princess Celestia or that stupid Twilight Sparkle. Everypony should know about us, I mean, we’ve been in the Canterlot Daily newspaper a couple of times, mainly just to write about how we messed up again.

Each one of us has a story. My story mainly revolves around Ponyville and that stupid purple elephant they call Twilight Sparkle. Seriously, purple sucks. She may as well be a giant booger. (What, you’ve never seen a purple booger? You haven’t lived, man.) Anyway, after that stupid Great and Powerful Trixie fiasco, in which she messed up my life and just proved to everypony that just because I couldn’t stop a bucking ten ton bear cub, I was no longer relevant to their lives. Woop-de-doo.

Next is Sunset Shimmer, who shares my hatred of purple. (She was the one who came up with that purple booger analogy, but don’t tell her I stole it.) Twilight messed up her life too after becoming a hanky-panky alicorn princess and stole her boyfriend. I mean, what sort of bitch do you have to be to do that? Anyway, she went through a magical mirror, bla bla bla, popped back into Equestria and became one of us.

Then we have Lightning Dust, who was a college dropout or something, I don’t really know. We haven’t really spoken too much, unless it was to fight about which one of our races was better (Which, of course, are the unicorns. The unicorns are the master race, and no pegasus can tell me otherwise.). But I do know that Twilight Booger’s friend, Rainbow Crash, practically threw her out of Wonderbolt training or something just because she was jealous that Lightning was faster than her or something.

We also have a griffon, Gilda, whose life was also ruined by Rainbow Crash after she betrayed her. Like, they were best friends or something before, but now they like hate each other. They were friends all throughout flight school or something until they graduated and Rainbow became a grade-A bitch.

Last, we have Mr. Fancy-Schmancy Face Prince Blueblood. . Forgive me if I withhold my enthusiasm. Seriously, that guy is a pain in the flank. Princess Celestia just dumped him on us and hoped his asshole-ness would be cured. Yeah, no. Time to rethink your entire life, Princess.

Yup, that’s all of us. Five misfits that nopony wants to give the time of day anymore, all brought together by Princess-motherbucking-Celestia and her entourage, Princess Twilight Booger.

But this isn’t the story where we just narrate to you our lives and tell you what we would change like some idiotic documentary they would show at the movie theater. No, this is the story of when we didn’t mess up. Yeah, I know, shocker, right? But yeah. Because Equestria is about to know our names.

We are the Defenders of Equestria, and we’re about to lay down the motherbucking law!

*cue first chapter*