Ponies, Please

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Dark, Human, Comedy
Length: 5233

Deny and approve, that's my job. I go through each day hoping to survive the next. And now, the only one who seems to be genuinely happy is some human by the name of Jorji. He's probably an idiot. Glory to Stalliongrad.

Even after most of Equestria had been populated by the new human visitors from another world, the city-state of Stalliongrad had closed its borders for years, in fear of a human revolution. Now the independent nation has finally opened its borders to Equestria, where both ponies and humans are eager to enter through the city gates.

My job as an immigration inspector is to control the tide of applicants entering into Stalliongrad, either denying or approving their entry with a mere stamp. Among the throngs of immigrants trying to enter the city, such as visitors and people looking for work, there are also hidden smugglers, spies and terrorists.

However, one of them is different. A human by the name of Jorji. Even while surrounded by such despair and misery, he is the only one who seems to be genuinely happy. Maybe there's something more to this human than just a stupid grin?

I 'm not keeping my hopes up, that's for sure.

Collaberation with the greatly talented Xl9, so go check him out for even more fun!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-29 21:25:17 UTC

Chapter 1: Day 3

When the humans had first appeared in Equestria, most ponies were curious of their presence. This curiosity soon turned into fear, as the vastly different humans and their culture soon began to spread across all corners of Equestria. Cheaply made goods, addicting media, and worst of all, democracy, spilled like a broken dam and drowned the Equestria population beneath its waves.

The Princesses’ reign soon ended, as a growing human population helped the ponies revamp their government into a republic to elect President Twilight Sparkle to lead the fair nation of Equestria.

However, one city wished to distance themselves from the capitalistic humans as much as possible, having been influenced by a different sect amongst the humans who agreed with their ideals more. Stalliongrad broke away from Equestria, becoming a small city-state of their own. Plenty of humans saw job opportunities in this new nation, but the strict border guards wouldn’t let them in for years, and even then not without very expensive and rare papers of admission. Even regular pony folks entering the city were strictly regulated, to make sure any pro-democracy pony defectors wouldn’t rebel against the city’s leaders. Therefore, Stalliongrad became one of the last pony dominated city-states in Equestria, and by far its strictest. Without the right papers, getting in was next to impossible.

But now, for the first time in years, Stalliongrad was allowing easier admittance into the city, for humans and ponies alike. The iron curtain was taking its first steps into allowing a peek into its walls.

Which is where my job came in. I would approve ponies’—along with the occasional human’s—admittance into the city. It wasn’t the best of jobs, and sometimes it even grew dangerous when an overzealous rebel decided to stir up trouble, but it was the only way to keep bread on the table, so I bore through it.

The line to the admittance booth was horribly crowded that day, with a swarm of ponies and the occasional human lined up to the horizon. The guards were a bit edgy, the afternoon prior having been a huge mess when a rebel decided to throw a grenade at the blockade. An orange unicorn approached the gate, papers at the ready. Her name checked out fine, nothing wrong with the gender, and the weight was—

I slammed down on the buzzer, closing the entrance gate. “There appears to be a discrepancy in your weight, ma’am.”

“What? You can’t be serious! Are you calling me fat?” the unicorn asked, slamming her hoof on my booth’s counter. “So what if I’ve gained a couple of pounds, that’s no reason to insult me!”

I wasn’t buying that shit today. “Sorry ma’am, come back tomorrow with your corrected papers.” I didn’t like turning ponies away from a new life, but a job’s a job, and I’m not going to risk losing any pay to a citation today. The unicorn mare was about to argue, but I just closed the shutters on the window, a sure-fire way to get even the most disgruntled pony to leave. I could only pray that it was really as bulletproof as the guards assured me.

“Next!” I screamed into my microphone, waiting for the guards to send the newest applicant. Finally, the next would-be immigrant arrived to the window, their dark shadow behind the shutters altering me they definitely weren’t a pony this time.

“Hello friend!” a hearty voice called out of the shadows as the human approached closer to the light. With the shutters now gone, I had a clear view of him… or at least as clear a view through a never-washed since it was made window would allow me. And even then, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

A balding man stood before me, a puffy beard covering his mouth. While he didn’t look too well kept, he still managed to have an aurora of friendliness to him. It was almost creepy to see such good cheer, when I’ve usually been surrounded by misery or dread. “Papers, please,” I ordered. While humans were a rare sight, that didn’t mean they weren’t scrutinized as much as ponies were.

The human chuckled. “Papers? No papers needed. Back in Artstotzka, we never need papers!”

“Sir, I have no idea what Artstotzka is, but this isn’t there.” I pointed a hoof to the large line of ponies. “To enter Stalliongrad, you need the right papers. Do you or do you not have them?”

The man seemed to pause for a second. “I not need papers. Very famous, people know me. Let me in.”

“I’ve never seen you, much less heard of you, in my entire life. Now, do you have papers, or no?”

The human laughed again. What did he find so funny? “Okay, I see. This big joke. I come back tomorrow, bring papers this time. Glory to Stalliongrad, greatest country!”

I didn’t bother to correct him that Stalliongrad was a city-state, not a country. Like people cared about that anyhow.

I nodded, glad that at least he wasn’t threatening my life like the usual denied applicant. “Please, that’ll make everything easier for all of us.”

The man shuffled away, waving at me over his shoulder. “Goodbye, friend!”

Huh… didn’t catch his name. Hopefully he doesn’t return so I won’t have to find out. Turning my microphone on, I shouted, “Next!”

This was going to be a long day.

Chapter 2: Day 4

I had hardly gotten any sleep last night, the howling winds and cries of my son constantly preventing me from getting enough shut-eye. What didn’t help at all was who was standing third in line. That human actually came back. Why did he have to come back? Hell, he even had on that oblivious smile from before. I lazily trotted over to my booth, and turned my microphone on with a quick button press. “Next!”

The first pony entered through easily enough, offering me a ticket to a brothel with a sly wink.

Bastard.

The next was an obviously overweight women, human in fact. How they managed to gain so much weight while still maintaining the ability to walk was still a mystery to me. However, turned out all that weight was a fake, the bugles of her fat just a disguise to smuggle drugs into the city. What happened next was the usual brush-in with the guards, with her being dragged away and cursing my name. Just another typical day, I guess. Didn’t even bother to look her way, only yelling for the next in line to arrive. That strange human fellow from before, of course, was the next one at my booth.

“Good morning to you, friend!” The man laughed, but I was too awestruck with what he had on his head. Was that an ice cream cone? Taped to his forehead? And vanilla? Whatever… just gotta get through the day. I groaned and asked for his papers.

“Here!” He smiled, handing me an Equestrian passport. I took one look and it and my jaw went slack. “Stalliongrad still best country for sure!”

“Uh… Sir…” My eye twitched with annoyance. “It says here that your name is… Rarity? And you’re a tailor unicorn from Ponyville?”

“Yes!” he replied, nodding his head. “That is me.”

“Well, for starters, this isn’t even the right papers for a pony from Ponyville,” I said, checking my registry book. “Along with the fact that you’re not even a pony, never mind a female.”

“No,” he denied, calmly shaking his head. “I am pony. My name Rarity. Let me in, please.”

“Sir, even if you were Rarity, which you aren’t, I couldn’t let you in. This passport has expired.” I returned it back to him, with a newly-added red stamp of denial. “If you’re going to fake a passport, at least get the expiration date right next time, sir.”

The man just laughed again. Dammit, what’s so funny? “Okay, you caught me. Jorji told a little lie. I’ll see you again soon, okay?”

“Hopefully with the correct papers,” I replied, already losing interest and preparing to press the microphone button. Sadly, it didn’t seem like the next entrant was willing to wait. A pegasus ran through and jumped into a short flight over the border before I could even lower the gates, holding a grenade in her mouth.

Well, shit.

The unicorn guards at the end of the border readied their rifles, and there were three loud bangs as they took their shots. The pegasus slumped to the ground, lying in pool of her own blood before the grenade went off. I closed the shutters. No matter how many times it happened, seeing a pony explode just wasn’t something I wanted to deal with.

The line scattered, my job coming to a close faster than I expected that day, people and ponies alike running back to Equestria. Looks like those new security measures would be coming in sooner than I thought.

As I was jostled by the guards to evacuate the area, I thought back to that human fellow. Jorji. How could he be so optimistic and cheerful, when in this world everything was so bleak? Were us ponies always like this, or did the humans change things? I guess in the end, it didn’t matter.

What did matter was that I couldn’t get the image of that dead pony out of my head.

Chapter 3: Day 6

It just so happens I was right about the beefed up security, as the guards handed me my very own rifle yesterday. While I’ve never been too handy with these odd human devices, I know that the threat of these repeated terrorist attacks was enough to warrant them giving me some form of protection. Strange how Stalliongrad was the place where ponies first received weapons and training from those odd humans from before the borders were closed.

Things were heating up between the totalitarian regime of Stalliongrad and the rest of the outside world of Equestria, so more and more rebels were jumping into the folds. Though more often than not, it was smugglers or ponies involved it other illegal activities trying to strike it rich within the city walls.

Not that it mattered much to me, I was just an inspector, after all.

The line looked normal as usual, but one pony was out of place. Her rainbow-hued mane and cyan wings was enough to give it away, but I still doubted it was really the Rainbow Dash. Anypony could dye their mane and even coat with the right amount of bits and a good stylist. Stalliongrad didn’t trust those connected to the newly reformed Equestrian government, so having a member of their highest-ranking military unit trying to get in wouldn’t be good for either of us.

I got to my desk, and with more dread than usual, turned on my microphone. “Next!”

The pegasus mare got up to the window, sweat clearly on her forehead. Not saying a word, she handed me her passport, the document impeccably clean and without a creased line on a single page.

Shit. It’s really her. Her name printed clear as the day blue sky right there, in big bold words at that. Proper citizenry and everything. Hell, even if this was a fake, it made real passports seem fake in comparison.

“What is your business in Stalliongrad?” I normally didn’t have to ask this question, but it was more than a bit suspicious to see an Equestrian hero try to enter the city.

“I’m just paying a visit, an old friend of mine moved here a while back.” Bullshit. A while back was over six years ago, with now being the only time Stalliongrad opened its borders freely to immigrants. There’s no way she could just be visiting, she must be a spy or something… right? Not that it mattered much to me, I was already inching my hoof to the button to alert the guards. No way in hell I could let her get in and expect to get off without a warning that could lead to my death.

“Sorry, ma’am, but the border is closed for today,” I said, pressing the button for the guards multiple times.

“What?! My papers are perfect! You can’t do this!” She flared her nostrils, seemingly ready to attack me. I shut the gates and closed my shutters, while the guards surrounded the co-captain of the Wonderbolts in an instant. Realizing it wasn’t worth it, she hung her head low and was escorted back to her country, unharmed most likely. The guards weren’t stupid enough to wound one of Equestria’s greatest heroes and instigate a major conflict between our two countries. Though it seemed Rainbow Dash was stupid enough to tempt it.

Glad that little bit of celebrity intervention was over, I opened my window back up for the next in line, screaming for them to come over into my microphone. “Next!”

A skinny man came up to me, lacking his identification card. I turned him away before he even got the chance to call me an idiot. A few muttered curses could still be heard, but I was over that. I had a quota to fill. My wife had fallen ill earlier, and I feared my parents will as well. I needed to pay for heating soon if I didn’t want us all to die of the bitter cold.

As if my day wasn’t stressful enough, the man who came right after was none other than Jorji. At least he wasn’t wearing that stupid ‘disguise’ of his. Though, that oblivious smile, as always, was plastered on his bearded cheeks. I swear, his face was probably stuck like that permanently from grinning for so long.

“Hello, friend! You shaken up, is something the matter?”

I stifled a groan, willing myself not to snap at him. “Papers, please.”

For once, he actually had the correct looking papers. His height matched, his name was… Jorji Costava Huh? Heard weirder in my life. His weight looked fine, but I stopped reading when I got to his birthday. “Uh, sir?” I asked him. “Why is your birthdate August 8th, 2013? It’s only 1982. You would have me believe you’re some sort of time traveler?” Well, actually, time travel was possible with the right type of magic, but like hell a human knew how to do that.

“What? Counterfeit man must’ve made a mistake. I’ll see new one. Make better fake.” Wait, what?

“Counterfeit? Sir, you do realize that’s incredibly illegal in both Equestria and Stalliongrad, correct?”

He nodded, still grinning like an idiot. “Don’t worry. I bribe my way out. Everything fine.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but thought better of it. Calling the guards in here would just lead to more time being taken off, and less opportunity for me to make some bits and keep my family fed. So I just waved my hoof passively at him, saying, “Look, whatever, just don’t come back without proper papers, okay?” I stamped his passport red, and the strange man cheerily took his papers and left.

Of course, not before shouting over his shoulder, “Stalliongrad is still best country! For sure! Glory to Stalliongrad!”

I really hoped he wouldn’t come back, because I did not want to waste the energy to correct him. But I probably will. It irked me to high hell.

“Next!” I shouted into my microphone.

Chapter 4: Day 8

I knew Rainbow Dash’s attempt to enter Stalliongrad wouldn’t spell good news. The next day, she tried returning and was placed under arrest. President Twilight Sparkle had called for her to be released, but the government of Stalliongrad wasn’t budging. Tensions were high, and the immigrations booth had a new note on it today.

Deny all Equestrians.

This, of course, still left ample wiggle room for any other applicant. The Crystal Empire wasn’t on the ban list, and neither were the divided states of the gryphon homelands. Likewise, the minotaur’s Taurian Kingdom was allowed clearance, though I was still unsure about the diamond dogs. Usually they were considered smugglers made up of disbanded tribes, but I had never seen one of their kind here before, so I didn’t think I’d have to worry about it.

The line this time was much more colorful in terms of race than actual color. Minotaurs, gryphons, ponies, the odd human and or two, all were vying to get into the city with the new opportunity now that Equestrians were denied. And it was my job as usual to approve or deny them entry.

The first entrant walked up with an Equestrian passport, earning an instant red stamp from me. Before she could protest, I turned on the microphone, calling for the next in line.

This time it was a rather large minotaur, him having to squat down for me to see him eye to eye. His passport checked out alright, and overall he didn’t seem too odd. Although, when he made his leave, he deposited another one of those brothel cards into my slot, telling me to come over for a good time if I wanted to.

Bastard.

And next there was a human, who, surprise, surprise, was Jorji. Great, just what I needed in the morning, another potential security breach. Like the guards weren’t tying a noose around my neck tight enough as it is.

“Hello, friend! Today is crazy day! Are you okay? Plenty of guards and guns. I think I even see president!” She must be here to retrieve Rainbow Dash. If there’s trouble today, things could go very sour very quickly.

“Papers, please,” I asked, crossing my hooves together on my booth’s desk.

Jorji handed me his papers, which looked legitimate enough, which was surprising. Probably more so than a rebel throwing themselves at the border guards in a suicide attack. At least that one I expected as a daily occurrence. I double checked my registry book and even my ledger, taking extra time out of my busy schedule to make doubly sure, but it was all there.

I stamped his passport green, then handed it back over to him. “Here you go, sir.”

“Thank you, friend! Now I can know for sure that Stalliongrad is greatest countr—” He was cut off with a deafening bang. Somebody had fired off a gun in mere yards away from my booth. I closed the shutters and reached for my own rifle, opening up the back door of my booth, and then looking down the scope on the other side to see an odd sight.

Near the edge of the border, President Twilight and her guards were escorting Rainbow Dash out of the city. However, the strange thing was a pony—from Equestria most likely— was running towards them and… attacking her own president?

Thankfully, Twilight raised a magical shield over herself and the newly released Rainbow Dash. I shot the attacking earth pony in the leg, causing her pistol to clatter to the ground out of her mouth.

“Good shot,” Jorji complimented as I lowered my rifle.

“I’ll probably get a citation for it,” I remarked. Not like he would care any which way, now that he could go inside the city. Returning to my booth, I opened up my shutters, Jorji still present. “You know, you can go in now, right?”

“Of course, friend! I’m sure plenty of ponies will love my wares!”

“Your wares? Wait, are you some sort of smuggler?” I asked, my hoof wavering over the security button.

Jorji laughed again, walking out of the booth and into the city-state. “Nothing bad. Is drugs!” I don’t know where Jorji got the idea that drugs were suddenly legal in either country, but before I could stop him he had waltzed into the city’s borders. “Stalliongrad still best country! The best!”

“It’s a city-sta—ah, forget it,” I muttered, at this point not caring whatever the hell he was bringing into the city. With that recent shooting, the guards were busy as it is.

Stepping out of my booth, I watched the security guards getting the attacker restrained to drag her away, while Princess Twilight was trying to lead Rainbow Dash back to her home country. Well, I guess it was official. My job was never going to be easy ever again.

Not like it was in the first place.

Chapter 5: Day 11

Since the actions committed by the unknown, would-be assassin three days ago, Equestria has changed. President Twilight Sparkle’s castle was attacked, and a civil war was declared yesterday.

I didn’t know all the information about it, not like we were allowed to know everything anyhow, but from what it looks like humans are involved, as usual. The best description I’ve heard of it thus far is that Red and Blue are spilling in the streets, something about tensions from the human world turning up in ours. As long as the fighting didn’t enter into our city-state, Stalliongrad would remain uninvolved.

The ban on Equestrians was lifted today, and as expected, there was a very long line of humans and ponies alike attempting to escape their warring country. I don’t blame them. Didn’t make my job easier, though.

First up was a shifty eyed unicorn stallion, a few scratches and bruises covering his face as good an indicator as any that the civil war was getting ugly. I caught him trying to smuggle in a gun, the idiot thinking a coat could help conceal it. That isn’t flying here. I called security in instantly, and the stallion was brought back to his own chaotic country. Honestly, a part of me felt bad to bring him back to that hellhole. Yet, that feeling was buried within me, just like the bodies of my wife’s parents two days ago.

Survival of the fittest, as it’s usually said.

Jorji was next, and I was honestly happy to see him again, which was surprising. Even if he was an idiot, his smile was the only one I’ve seen in weeks. He had the same grin on his face, almost as if he didn’t know Equestrians were slaughtering each other. If anyone could be that happy during such hellish times, then they were either the biggest idiot in the world, or one of the most wicked.

Actually, now that I think about it, why the hell was he back? He had already gotten in, what was the point in getting out just to return? Unless… oh yeah, the drug smuggling.

“Papers, please,” I asked, as per our usual conversation whenever he arrived.

“Sure, friend! I come back to Stalliongrad, still best country! The very best!” He handed me his passport from three days ago, and everything seemed to check out fine. Sans his weight. Right away I noticed there was no way someone could gain that much in such a short amount of time when he stepped on the scale.

“Sir, would you mind telling me how you managed to gain over ten pounds from what it says your weight is?”

“Ah!” He seemed ecstatic. “Is drugs! You want?”

“Sir, drugs are illegal in Stalliongrad,” I told him, my hoof already hovering over the security button. “Just like everywhere else in this world.”

“No problem. I understand.” He said as I slammed down on the security button. “It’s okay. You do job. Maybe have some next time, right?”

“I don’t think so, sir.” I contemplated pressing the button. He had obviously admitted to wanting to bring illicit drugs into the city, yet at the same time, it would be like kicking a puppy while its down. Plus, the time for the guards to come and arrest him would cut into my time for inspecting those trying to enter the city. I had a quota to meet after all.

And I definitely didn’t want to bury anymore members of my family for not meeting that quota.

He left in his usual jolly demeanor, calling out over his shoulder, “Goodbye, friend, Stalliongrad still best country, the very best! So long, glory to Stalliongrad!”

And speaking of quotas not being filled, my boss came to meet me at work. Joy oh joy, what a pleasant surprise.

“Hello there, inspector,” my boss said, his bushy mustache covering his upper lip. “We have received a troublesome report from the East. The civil war in Equestria has been getting closer to the borders, as such we’re afraid we will have to cut your work short today.”

“But sir, I need to feed my family,” I said in protest.

“I’m sorry, you will receive pay for the two you submitted. I cannot give you anymore money.” He handed me my pay. A measly four bits. Barely enough afford tonight’s heating, much less food or medicine. “Glory to Stalliongrad.”

I had little food, a dying family, and now only a little pocket change.

“Glory to Stalliongrad,” I replied, saluting. Yes, glory to Stalliongrad indeed.

Chapter 6: Day 19

Last night my mother died. She had not passed away peacefully in her sleep, like I had hoped. Rather, it was through a racking, hideous cough that consumed her every waking breath until she was left a mere shell of a pony. After that, I contemplated ending her life out of mercy, but knew I had neither the guts nor morals to pull it off. At least she was with father.

As for myself, I wasn’t allowed the simple pleasure of a day off to attend her funeral. Not like she had a funeral anyhow. Just a hole in the ground with some dirt covering up her fresh corpse.

So, with dimmer spirits than usual, I returned to my booth, my attention returning to the fresh lineup of immigrants. More so than usual, in fact. Word back from the civil war was still unclear, but the only news that was available wasn’t good. The town of Ponyville had fallen under the resistance, which has now been named ‘The Original Equestria Reformation.’ Their exact motives are unclear, but their sheer power was quickly overtaking Equestria. It was amazing, like out of thin air hundreds upon thousands of ponies began rebelling against their government, with the humans caught in the crosshairs…

Still, I had a job to do. Pressing the microphone button, I shouted, “Next!” Time to get the already horrible day started.

The first entrant was a unicorn wearing what looked to be a military-grade chestplate. From the looks of the blood on his hind leg, he appeared to be injured. Before I could ask for his papers, he slammed his hooves on the desk, a wrinkled passport in his hands. “I need to get in, now. I’ll pay whatever you want, just let me in!” He reached to his side, pulling out a hefty bag of bits. “Take it all, I don’t care, just get me out of there!”

“Sir, I cannot in good conscience take a bribe.”

“W-what? No! You need to let me in, I can’t go back there! You need money, correct? Take it! Take everything! I just need to get away!” He reached his hooves at my throat a second too late, the iron shutters landing on his hooves. Security promptly took him away, kicking and screaming back into Equestria. I almost felt bad for the poor guy.

Almost.

Not like I was going to risk a bullet for some bits. Only a fool and the desperate do that. And while I was desperate, I sure was no fool.

“Next!” I called out, the line moving up.

The next mare handed me her passports, and although they were a bit stained in water, everything seemed to check out. I gave her the green stamp and called for the next entrant.

Once again, the next entrant wasn’t Jorji. Over the past couple of days, I had been waiting for that human’s return. I kept on expecting him to pop up, big grin on his face, calling me his friend, then trying to get into the city through some conceived way, most likely to smuggle drugs. Sure, he was a criminal, but he was the only one I had seen in such a long time to be… I don’t know how to describe it, happy? If you can call an idiot living out his life being happy, that is.

The human man standing in front of me wore a blue sweatshirt with a single star covering his eye. In a seemingly robotic voice, he handed me a card with a simple star drawn on it. Before I could ask for his papers, he whispered a message to me.

“Check the back of the card. The OER knows.”

I slowly turned the card over before calling the next entrant, and carefully read the message.

IN THREE DAYS, EQUESTRIAN AMBASSADOR PLANS TO ENTER CITY.

EARTH PONY STALLION, HAS A BANJO CUTIE MARK.

THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES IF YOU LET HIM THROUGH.

THE OER KNOWS.

What a load of bullshit.

Looking back up, the human was gone, no indication he had been there at all. Looking back to the card, I shrugged, but slipped it in my coat nonetheless. You never know when it might be handy.

“Next!”

Finally, the man of the hour had arrived. Jorji was still wearing his red coat, and the smile was still plastered onto his face. However, something seemed off about him. “Hello, friend.” He spoke with less enthusiasm. “Bad times are coming in Equestria. Future is looking not so good. Might want to leave, go back to Artstotzka.” He smiled at me again, handing over his papers. “You can come too! I get you Artstotzkan papers, you live in our glorious country!”

Huh. The first real act of kindness I’ve seen from somebody when working the job. Kind of weird, honestly. “Thanks for the invitation, Jorji. I’ll…” I thought about it for a second. Was life in Equestria worth living? Things didn’t look too good, and with a civil war waging, it was only a matter of time until gunfire spread into Stalliongrad. “I’ll consider it.”

“Excellent! Friend will have good time in Artstozka, Jorji knows it!” There was that enthusiasm again, along with his passport that he slid through the slot on my desk. Unsurprising, just like every other time, it was a brand new one, never the same twice.

Except this time, something was… strange. I flipped through my record book, double-checked everything concerning the passport, and even filed through everything related to Jorji’s papers. Something wasn’t adding up, and before too long, it became quite clear why.

“Jorji, it says here that these papers belonged to a… a… dead man.” I groaned, wiping a hoof across my face. “Don’t tell me you really though forging papers from the recently dead would get you inside, would it? How many times have you forged a passport at this rate?”

“Jorji does not know, he just gets them for drugs.” Jorji grinned. “You want drugs?”

“No, Jorji,” I pressed down on the alarm, detaining my friend on the other side of the law.

“Oh, okay!” He smiled. “You very professional, do job well!”

“Get an actual passport next time, Jorji,” I remarked, before the guards escorted Jorji away. Sighing deeply, I waited a few seconds after that, willing myself to press the microphone button and continue my day.

“Next!”